The Pain of Rejection – Why Does it Keep Happening To You?

Lauren we have never told you what to do. We want to be very very clear about that. We have suggested you seek some support after you posted over forty comments on our site about what you were going through, which made it seem like very big situation for you. But we absolutely feel you should do what you want. It’s your life and we truly wish you all the best.

Hi Lauren, unfortunately we are only an information site and not a help line or outreach service. So we really can’t comment further as you are in a complicated situation and need proper support we are unable to provide. But we do hope you find the help you need and just to remind you we have given you contact details in the past about places to contact that are more equipped to help. Good luck.

Hi Susmita, the problem with growing up with parents who are unkind to each other and always fighting is that we can internalise a belief that ‘love is pain’. We then unconsciously choose partners who will cause us pain. It’s what we are comfortable with. Often, if someone is kind to us, we’ll overlook them, or think they are ‘creepy’ because we are simply that uncomfortable with someone being nice. It’s fantastic you are aware there is a pattern going on. That’s the first step. We’d highly, highly recommend you seek proper support. Counselling or psychotherapy can do wonders for these kinds of patterns. A therapist can help us recognise and change our core beliefs. And each week we can check in with someone who can help us see how our decisions are working for or against us.

Hi Paul, sounds like a whole lot of 3) and 4) from the article. Really powerful negative core beliefs, seriously big assumptions, and low self-esteem. Have you ever met anyone who said no to everything you asked? And had a negative comment to make about everything you said? How did that make you feel? Was it a good feeling, did you want to spend more time with that person? Or did you just want to get away? One of the most attractive things to all of us is warmth, an open mind, and confidence. These are things that anyone can develop. If your childhood has left you with strong feelings of worthlessness, and we can imagine with such a strong negative perspective on yourself, others, and the world that this all comes from childhood, you will need support. But finding a counsellor or even coach you think you could grow to trust (with this kind of belief system you won’t trust anyone at first) you might see yourself really moving forward. We wish you courage.

Hi Ethan, we can’t really tell you what’s going wrong as we don’t know you and what exactly is going on. But if the women never talk to you again and you can’t get any feedback that is sure to be confusing. We also don’t know how old you are. If you are a teenager, it might just be a case of learning more about relating with time and growing up. It’s pretty normal when a teenager for everyone to be confusing. If you are older, then it might be worth doing some counselling. A counsellor can help you troubleshoot how you relate to others and help you figure out what isn’t working and learn new ways of relating that help you connect better with others. Good luck!

Hi there, you’ve misread. Lauren was rejected and her response was to then make friends in order to reject them in return, ‘platonic rejection’ as she called it. Which is not the best scenario. It’s manipulative and focused on punishing the other for rejection, which really just ends up punishing ourselves. Deciding not to be friends and clearly communicating that and walking away in order to focus on yourself is, we agree, a smart move. Obsessing on the other and scheming how to reject them in return, not so much.

Hi Paul, would you be willing to take the big step of talking to a counsellor about this? We say this as you seem to really struggle understanding social cues. Which can be connected to various things that a counsellor or psychotherapist could explain and look at with you….. best of luck.

Hi Kaitlyn, that sure is a lot of anger going on, and it seems very heavy loneliness. The problem with this sort of rage, where we throw out huge assumptions that block conversations, make things a right/wrong dichotomy, and insult others even if we start with the false premise ‘with all due respect’ (when obviously we feel nothing of the sort) is that we tend to, well…. drive people away. Because we throw out a ton of rejecting energy ourselves. The first step to not being rejected is not rejecting others first. And the second step is to have an open instead of shut down with the door locked energy. But that is all a choice we have to make. If our rage is our comfort zone, then it can take some doing to want to let it go, and a whole lot of courage where we must let ourselves be vulnerable and admit that maybe we are not right all the time. Or, yes, we can choose to believe we deserve to be miserable and alone and ‘that is the way it is’ and then with our own beliefs make choices that create this reality again and again and again….. all the while telling ourselves we are a victim with no say in the matter. The choice is yours. Good luck.

Hi Allen, here’s the thing -do you think finding a woman will make your life magically better? There is this idea in our society that relationships are the answer, that someone else will make it all better. It absolutely won’t. It’s a media perpetuated myth. If you aren’t happy alone, you won’t be happy with someone. You don’t seem happy. So we wouldn’t give you dating advice, or tell you to be confident. If anything when we overfocus on something we tend to get bitter and unhappy and victimised. Others sense it. What makes you feel alive, what makes you feel you have purpose, what makes you feel connected to others? Do that. If you don’t know what that is, then get into therapy and get focussed on figuring that out.

Sorry if we misunderstood. We’d recommend you find a counsellor who can get the time to get to know you and your unique issues and work with you one-on-one.As for this relationship you describe, where two people perfectly understand each other on all sorts of levels, it sounds very idealistic. Real relationships are rewarding but tend to involve a lot of compromise and we rarely (if ever?) come across couples who connect on every level, barring in the movies. Most couples connect intellectually but have physical issues, or connect physically but have very different life interests, or get along but don’t quite understand each other, or have different communication styles…. Note that seeking perfection is another way to keep ourselves lonely. Relationships are far from perfect and when we realise that it’s much easier to get involved with someone. If other people sense you are seeking perfection it can be intimidating as nobody wants to be put on a pedestal.

Hi Mark, this is an extremely rigid perspective. And when we have deeply ingrained core beliefs and ingrained perspectives, we unconsciously, or in your case even consciously, make decisions to prove these beliefs and perspectives true. We absolutely think change is possible in your situation, but there is no point in saying much more as it sounds like you aren’t interested in change, just leaving a comment. Change can only happen if we are willing to give up our rage, question our perspectives, admit we might not have all the answers, and decide we want to change.

Hi Kevin, rejection is hard. But we hope you take the time to also see how courageous you are for consistently putting yourself out there and give yourself some credit. We can’t really say much else as we don’t know you, or who these women were. But if we are constantly chasing people who reject us there are usually reasons. Either deep seated beliefs we aren’t worthy that has us chasing unavailable others, or problems with approach and communicating. You might find this article interesting https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/why-dont-people-like-me.htm

Hi Marshall, thanks for sharing. For starters, give yourself some credit for the fact that you keep trying. Courage and resilience are powerful traits. Our perspective – yes, it’s worth trying, but no, it’s not worth doing the same thing again and again when it’s proven not to work. So unlike dating sites, we don’t offer the advice to just approach again and again. We’d say that behind all of this are much deeper issues that need to be resolved. You assume that it’s introversion that is the problem. We don’t know you, but we’d suspect there is a lot more to it. As there are are many introverts who are quite happily in relationships. We’d guess, particularly from the tone of some of what you say, that you have had experiences that have lowered your self-esteem and left you feeling victimised. And believe it or not, if we feel resentful or like a victim or have a chip on our shoulder, or repressed issues and emotions, no matter how well we think we are hiding it, we aren’t. Others sense it and veer away. So we’d say the very best thing you could do here is stop putting all your focus on finding a partner as the cure to all. Put the focus on looking at what isn’t working within that is affecting, whether you realise it or not, the way you relate to others. The more you work on that, the more confidence you’ll have, the more you’ll be able to enjoy the process of living, the more others will feel comfortable around you. And fyi there are specific types of therapy that focus exclusively at looking at your patterns of relating. Read more here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/find-a-relationship-what-therapy-helps.htm

Hi Roger, there seems an edge of anger here. Understandable, if you feel constantly rejected and overlooked. But that anger probably shows to others a lot more than you realise, despite the good sense of humour. We’d suggest you read the response to Brett. In our humble experience, of studying and working with thousands of clients, we do not find that all the exterior stuff you talk of is what attracts connection. Hence people who don’t fit any sort of ‘good looking’ or ‘success’ markers have great, healthy relationships. Instead it’s things like being a safe environment for others, exhibiting compassion for self and others, having a genuine over ‘appearing’ genuine but actually self involved interest in others, accepting yourself and others, etc. If you are not attracting others, then there is something on the interior that is reflecting on the exterior. You can either refuse to believe that is so, and continue being angry and holding on to the belief that the entire world is geared against you, or you can drop the victim act, accept that maybe there is some inner work to do, and finally get support to explore how deep rooted issues within are causing you relating problems. Good luck.

Hi John, first of all give yourself some credit for bravery. Putting ourselves out there is hard, and internet dating, by it’s very nature, can be a horrible game of chance and rejection. It’s hard to say what people are really after. But on the other hand, there’s a good chance something is going wrong with your approach, if you are managing to get the first dates. It doesn’t seem, based on this small comment, to be about lack of confidence or an inability to relate well. So things to watch for can include letting your nerves mean you talk to much about yourself on a first date, instead of asking the other person about herself, or the big first date faux pas of going on about your ex partners or spouses. Have you ever had the courage to ask for constructive feedback? “I appreciate your honesty, I’m looking to improve my dating skills, did you have any constructive feedback for me?” It takes a lot of courage, yes, but if done politely and calmly, perhaps after the sting of rejection has faded, you might get very useful information that can save years of misguided effort. Also, are your photos very recent and very honest? That’s important too. Finally, if you are trying to find a woman ‘half your age’, as you say, then it can depend on what they are looking for. As it might not be what you are looking for. Each person has their own unique agenda. They might be looking for you to provide for them, for example, and if they realise you won’t that alone could be the issue. As for it getting costly, a good first date is about bringing your authentic self to the table, and that can be done (and is even better done) over a coffee. If there is a click, then you can save the wining and dining for later. Hope that helps.

Hi Chris. This is a very strong story. And after reading it several times, we want to just share with you that it comes across as a strong pushing energy, pushing others away, pushing possibility away, pushing life itself away. So you say you are always rejected, but in what way are you not rejecting others and the world? And life itself? Worth thinking about.

Hi TK, 30 years is a long time. And it sounds as if you are having a communication breakdown. Did you have good communication before? Or is it more that you never asked questions and suddenly you are and it’s such a change of your typical pattern she’s backing away? There are certain things a couples counsellor would tell you here. First of all, if you both have different communication styles, you need to learn and respect each others styles. Second, asking questions with anger or aggression, even if its subtle will always lead to shut down. Communication only ever comes easily in an environment that feels safe. Would she be willing to go to couples therapy with you? A couples therapist doesn’t tell you what to do or think. They just create a very safe environment then help you communicate in ways that work and are productive instead of destructive. Best, HT

In cases like these, it’s usually that there is a dissonance between how we think we come across, how we think we behave and are, and what we actually behave like and come across as. Often, the smarter we are, the more we can kid ourselves on these fronts, create strong, perfectly formed personas that we deeply believe in.There seems a strong need to seem ‘together, sorted, strong’, for example. In summary, you can’t find an answer to this over a comment box. You are an intelligent guy, we are sure if it was that simple you would have sorted it long ago. It will take gathering your courage, being willing to take a different perspective. Maybe it’s in the way you are communicating, or maybe you’ll need to take a deep dive — usually (if not always) there will be some interior issues that are driving this problem, that you can recognise and then work on to see different results. Attracting love is generally an interior, not exterior, job. We’d highly recommend working with a counsellor, coach, or therapist on this, as if it hasn’t changed yet then it’s time for help. As for if it was about sexual attraction or looks, usually not. A quick look around any train or indeed newspaper proves people of all shapes and sizes find partners if we have a capacity to be realistic and open to others. Best, HT.

Hi Albert, please do scroll through the comments to this article, you’ll find many men have posted almost the exact same thing and we’ve answered in detail that will also apply to you. You are trapped in a very rigid perspective here, which in itself would send off a huge signal you don’t want to be approached. If you have this sort of black/white thinking in all areas of your life, it would be another reason to speak to a counsellor, it could be a sign of disordered thinking that they could help you with.

We are a therapy company, not a dating or internet dating company, so we can only advise on the psychological side here. We don’t think issues with connection are ever about rules about dating or signals or any of the rest of that sort of thing that makes people millions and leaves other people frustrated, even more lonely, and at wits end. In our experience it always goes back to being an inside job. The way we present to the world is a result of the way we think and behave. And the ways we think and behave are the result of our experiences, often our unresolved difficult childhood experiences. Or because we naturally think and behave in ways that are outside the norm, such as being autistic or having a personality disorder (a terrible sounding term, but it simply means someone sees the world and themselves in a unique way). We are seeing a lot of things here that show you think in rigid, black and white ways, with a tendency to make strong assumptions.So while it would be great to blame everyone else, or to decide it must to be something to do with whether or not you use a photo on an internet profile, we’d suggest that it’s a much bigger issue going on. We’d guess that it’s not just women you have relating issues with, yes? In summary, if you want to attract others, then you need to understand yourself and your own issues, and you need to understand if the way you think is very different than how others think, and how you can function if that is the case, in ways that help you feel connected instead of disconnected. If you have the courage, and you must if you’ve put all the effort in that you obviously have, then we’d highly suggest you take the step and seek professional support in the form of a psychotherapist or counselling psychologist. Note that therapy is itself a relationship, between you and your therapist, and it also works as a way to troubleshoot they ways you relate and try new ways of relating in a safe space. Good luck.

Hi Carina, first of all, every girl does not have a boyfriend but you. Many people are single. Of course many people are happily single, leading their life, following their dreams and ambitions, and leaving meeting someone as a possibility. But it sounds like you are not happy. So we’d say, are YOU interested in you? Do you like yourself and what you are doing with your life? If not, how do you expect others to? And if you see things on terms of problems and bad luck, what kind of energy are you living in and sending out? If you meet someone convinced they are unlucky, a problem, and a failure, who is obviously miserable, is that an energy you want to be around? Sorry to be so blunt. But what we are pointing out here is that obsessing on having a partner tends to create an energy that drives away future partners. The problem here isn’t finding a partner. It’s about finding YOU. Being sure and confident in who you are, identifying the hobbies and goals that make you feel great, figuring out how to raise your self esteem regardless of if you have a partner or not.Of course if our low self-esteem comes from a difficult childhood or past, it’s very hard to figure out alone. We’d suggest you seek some counselling, which creates a safe, supportive space to start to see your self worth and share it with others. best, HT

Hi Angelo, we wouldn’t say you are ‘crazy’. We would say that you are caught in heavy loops of negative overthinking and what are called ‘cognitive distortions’, http://bit.ly/cognitivedistortionlist, all of which is keeping your moods low and driving you into further cycles of negativity. We also see very low self-esteem. We’d imagine behind all this are unconscious negative core beliefs that somehow you don’t deserve good things or love. All of these things – negative thinking, distorted thinking, low self-esteem, negative core beliefs – are not ‘crazy’. They are just unfortunate thinking errors that can dictate our reality. But can ALL be worked on and changed. What we see most of all is loneliness, and a man who is using thinking and overthinking to avoid feelings of loneliness. You might want to look into CBT therapy, a short term therapy that doesn’t delve into your past but focuses on helping you recognise and troubleshoot your thinking. When we change the way we think, it also helps us relate better with others. Best, HT.

Hi Jones, 23 is really young. The idea that we are all madly in love by 16 or 17 or even 20 is just a myth created by people who create films and books. We’d say stop overthinking this and even stop over focussing on being in love and having a partner. Focus on yourself. On being the sort of person you’d want to know, on doing the things that make you feel alive and good. It’s when we are living from our values and feeling good that we become attractive to others, not when we are walking about feeling like others owe us attention. If you do often feel full of resentment and anger towards others, then that might stem from childhood, and we’d advise seeking counselling, which can also help you troubleshoot the ways you communicate and relate, which might also be part of the problem,. Best, HT.

John, thanks for this share. You’ve hit on something very important here. That awareness is wonderful, and the first step, but that entrenched patterns anchored by unconscious core beliefs don’t change just with intellectual awareness. We are stuck on a merry-go-round, we know we should get off, we want off, but we do the same thing again and again and again. And the more we are aware and can’t seem to break the pattern, the worse we feel and the more we beat ourselves up. Awareness can be a proverbial double-edged sword. So first of all, give yourself some credit for making it this far, for your searing self honesty, desire to change, and courage to post here. And know that patterns like this, particularly involving rejection, are bigger than any of us, and overcoming them is a journey not a quick destination. But you are ON that journey already by being here.You might be interested in reading about schema therapy, a fascinating type of therapy that focuses on recognising and changing the ‘themes’ and patterns we get entrenched in – one of those being the abandonment /rejection one. http://bit.ly/schematherapy. We would say therapy would be an excellent idea, not just because we are a therapy company, but because rejection/abandonment patterns have some of the deepest tentacles, and because when we are intelligent, as you evidently are, we can so easily convince ourselves we aren’t in the pattern again when we are. And we can also convince ourselves we ‘know’ where the trauma comes from. But the brain actually digests trauma in very unique, not always explainable ways, not always logical… someone might, for example, find that in therapy they have way more unexpressed rage and emotion over a kid in class not sitting next to them once then not seeing one parent for a year. Trauma goes in according to the child’s perspective then, not our adult perspective and understanding now…. And a therapist not only gives us fresh perspective but keeps us accountable. And yes, we would say you absolutely are setting yourself up to prove a belief true, that’s the way it works. Long distance relationships are picking someone unavailable. Who we can idealise as we don’t see them enough to have to accept all their very human quirks. As for him wanting to suddenly be friends, people are so complicated. Notice your mind making assumptions here, and thinking it is about you, when really it could be anything at all, he could, for example, have met someone else nearby and not have the courage to say. This is not to say that the rejection isn’t very real and very painful and needing your attention. In summary, all of this is ‘normal’, considering! And you are on the right track with your awareness. You just need some good help here. In the meantime, things like journalling and self help are useful. Also know that if you meet someone and feel totally ‘lit up’, it’s often that ‘plug to socket’ of the pattern again, not love. Aim for a manageable buzz that can be slowly nurtured and developed. And also know that when it comes to pattern busting, it requires a lot of saying no to the pattern that feels uncomfortable and difficult. But each time we say no we are resetting our program, so to speak…. Best, HT

Hi Toby, we aren’t God or psychic, so we can’t tell your future. But we can say that you are in charge of your future, so you can decide if therapy will or won’t work for you. You are in charge of your therapy journey. If a therapist is not working for you, it’s up to you to say so and then decide to find another one. Therapy is at heart a relationship, and, a bit like dating, it’s not uncommon to have to try a few different therapists before finding a ‘click’. And also note that therapists are people, there is no ‘perfect therapist’, it’s about finding the right match. We’d suggest you consider a therapy that works for rejection and abandonment issues, as outlined in this article http://bit.ly/BPDtreatment . If you sense of rejection arises from childhood trauma, you might want to also look at therapies that work for trauma http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. And also use the search bar here to find all our articles on how to look for a therapist and questions to ask in your first session. Best, HT.

Hi Aaron, if you go through the thread you’ll find we’ve answered this question for others, you will find our responses useful. What we see here is a lot of cognitive distortions. http://bit.ly/cognitivedistortionlist. Black and white thinking, assumptions, rigid thinking, etc. We wouldn’t tell you not to let fear stop you. We’d say you need to sort out yourself and your thinking. Because sounds like the issue is nothing to do with women or fear. Most relating issues never are. They are far deeper. We’d suggest you consider therapy, such as a round of CBT, a short-term therapy that focuses on helping you recognise unhealthy thinking and develop a habit of balanced thinking, and take it from there. Best, HT.

Hi Rachana, it can be hard to be a sensitive person. And very hard to be rejected. But this is a chance to realise that you can’t depend entirely on another person for your happiness. Not only is it unhealthy, it’s not good for your mental health and it tends to leave the other person feeling suffocated. It’s important to have your own life, your own friends, even when in love. This is an opportunity to focus on you for a change. Who are you, without other people? What do YOU like, beyond what you have learned to like from your family? What makes you feel passionate and alive? Do more of that. Focus on growing yourself as a person and raising your self esteem so that in the future, if another relationship comes along, you don’t lose sight of yourself again. We advise you read our guide to healthy relationships http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide here. If you can’t after one year get out and socialise it sounds like severely low self-esteem and depression and we would advise counselling or psychotherapy as well. Best, HT.

Hi Velissia. This sounds hard. But here’s the thing. There are many people who are short who are very happy, successful, and adored for being short. Or who become famous because of being short even. We aren’t saying discrimination isn’t real. But we are saying if your theory held true, if the only problem here is that you are short….then everyone who was short would be suffering. So then what is the problem? We recommend you read the part of the article about core beliefs. Here’s the thing. People actually respond to what we emanate. Whether you know it or not, the way you present yourself and interact tells people what you believe to be true and they respond to that. If we are angry, don’t like ourselves…. well people are not going to want to bask in that vibe. Perhaps you can mask your anger at first, you have a developed exterior that lasts enough to make the connection….but eventually, the anger starts to show, even if you don’t realise it. It’s definitely in this comment. When you meet angry, secretly miserable people, do you want to spend all your time with them? We aren’t saying being angry or miserable is bad. They are useful, good things to work with. Most people appreciate honest anger that clears the air and sets boundaries. Anger and misery become an issue only when we repress them and pretend they aren’t there then blame everyone else for things, it creates another dynamic others are understandably wary of. So where does this anger come from? Is it really about being short? We’d suspect it’s much, much deeper. In summary, this is more than enough to seek support over. We’d suggest you find a counsellor or psychotherapist you think you could grow to trust and start looking at the root of your low self esteem, anger, and relating issues. Best, HT.

Hi Jay, like anyone, you are more complicated and worthy of understanding than a quick diagnosis based on a comment. So we can’t tell you what is the root of all this based on just this info. We do think there are some core beliefs at play here. Core beliefs are unconscious assumptions we mistake as fact and then actually make decisions to ‘prove’ true whether we realise it or not. You might unconsciously always choose unavailable people as deep down you believe you aren’t worthy of love so are making that happen again and again but then feel that it is happening ‘out there’ beyond your control when really it starts ‘in there’ and you can unravel and change it. You might find our article on chasing the unavailable interesting https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/emotionally-unavailable.htm. We’d say this is not a simple thing but is likely complex and from experiences starting in childhood. So we are are going to say, it’s absolutely a good idea to seek help. Relating issues are serious as they affect all areas of our life, so take this seriously. But this issue can absolutely be helped. Relating is a skill, and some of us simply didn’t get good guidance on kids around it and have to learn it as adults. Here is a list of therapies that focus just on relating http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy Best, HT.

Hi there Julia. Here’s the thing. You say you don’t understand why people hate you. But in another breath, you say you ‘hate people and the human race’. People are not stupid. No matter how nice you might try to act, if deep down you hate people and don’t trust them….they will sense it. And now ask yourself, how does it feel when you feel hated by someone? And know they don’t trust you? Do you want to be around them? Be their friend? We aren’t saying ‘you have to like people’, we are just showing you how this is not not what it seems, that there is a different perspective here, and that you are more involved with this than you might realise. And here’s the next big question. Do you like yourself? And trust yourself? Honestly? Or is there any chance that deep down you have a voice that tells you you are not likeable or worthy? Because it’s that voice that is creating all this, and no other person is going to come along and make that better, that has to come from you. This level of fear of rejection is not going to just go away unless you gather up all your courage and face all these fears and this fury and negative self beliefs that were created from a very difficult and at times traumatic childhood. But you are adult now, and no matter how terrible that childhood, you can choose to change those beliefs and heal those experiences. The best thing you can do here is seek support. If you are on a low income, use our article on finding free to low cost therapy for inspiration http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Best, HT.

Hi Robert, the article is written by a Canadian. Countries don’t change much about human relating. Your comment might be spam by the incel movement, we get the almost the exact same comment all the time, but just to say that we see nothing here but big assumptions, which are things assumed to be fact that absolutely aren’t. If you actually want to change all this, then we’d suggest you find a therapist or counsellor to work with. This kind of thing can absolutely be changed in therapy. Finding a partner and love have nothing to do with looks or success and everything to do with openness, a good mindset, lack of judgement, and esteem. Best, HT.

Hi Arthur, it’s never just about sex, it’s about relating. Sex is just a by product of good relating and if we struggle to have sexual relationships we inevitably have relating, connection, and intimacy issues. Relating is a skillset we learn as children. If we grew up in an environment or with adults who did not model relating, we don’t learn it. You aren’t going to learn it from ‘friends’. If you want to change, you have to do things differently and for starters we’d say seek support. Relating issues run deep. A therapist will help you learn how to relate, as well as look at psychological patterns that leave you lonely, such as always going after those who are unavailable or unconsciously choosing those you know will reject you. In other words, all this business about flirting and sexual tension is nonsense. That’s like saying some pretty icing makes a cake. That’s a tactic. Tactics don’t work. Relating is learning about how to be your authentic self and how to be an available and safe space for another person, for starters, and tactics are manipulation and not safe. Don’t become what other people think you should be, seek support to become your authentic self, the most attractive thing there is in a society where so many are false. Finally, a therapist can also look at whether you have a relating disorder, several personality disorders mean we see sex and relating differently. In summary, of course there’s a point in trying, if you didn’t deep down want change and want to try you wouldn’t be doing this research. Keep going. These issues are changeable. Best, HT.

Hi Gordon, we invite you re read our article on cognitive distortions, which your comment is full of (assumptions, black and white thinking, fortune telling, doom and gloom….). http://bit.ly/cognitivedistortionlist When our mind is trapped in false thinking we create a rigid version of reality we are convinced is true, and we can need help to see how much of our thinking is simply not realistic or true and to realise how we are choosing and creating the life we think we are the victim of. A therapist can also help you learn to raise your self confidence and relate to others in constructive over destructive ways. Best, HT.

Hi Daniel, we can’t tell you based over a comment, you are a unique complex person, and this is only your perspective. What we do see here are several interesting things we’ll just point out. First of all you are trying to please women. Pleasing is actually something many adults see through. We know you have good intentions but it’s actually a form of manipulation. You are acting a certain way only to get a result you want.It’s not your job to always be there or always be ‘good’. What people actually want is someone who is authentic. Who knows who they are, who is honest about how they are feeling, for better or for worse, who is relatable, and comfortable in their skin. How much do you really know yourself? I mean who are you really, beneath all this pleasing behaviour to ‘win’ attention? Do you even know? We’d go so far as to guess you come from a family where you were praised for being ‘good’ and ‘smart’ and punished or rejected otherwise. this leads to growing up into an adult with a weak sense of self who tries to manipulate others for attention as the only identity they have is what others think of them.But by a certain age, most other people see through this and aren’t interested. Note how you also judge others mostly on appearance. This happens when we ourselves are all surface. We judge others on surface things as we don’t know ourselves so can’t get to know someone else. So the conclusion here is, this isn’t about the girls. This is about you. You need to figure out who you really are, learn to be totally comfortable being yourself, to follow your passions, to develop personal values and live by them. Love doesn’t come when we are trying to be what others want. Love comes when we are so busy living our best life we forget to look for a partner, but attract someone who shares our values and interests because we are living out those values and interests. Best, HT.

Hi there Erica. First of all, we can’t give you any answers here, we don’t know you and can’t offer counselling based on a comment. But what we’d say is there are bigger issues at play here. It would be well worth looking at what your ideas of love and a relationship are in the first place, ideally with a therapist, as well as looking at the ways you get into relationships and relate once you are in them. Are you already working with a therapist? If so have you raised all these issues with them? We can imagine it’s exhausting and scary to keep going with the same cycle that leads to short relationships. Unless you look at that pattern and work to change it, it will repeat. Schema therapy might be something to look into you if you are not already with a therapist, it’s recommended for BPD and very good at helping break dysfunctional relating patterns. Best, HT.

Hi Richard, it’s concerning to us that you seem to have been offered medication without any support. We are guessing you are in America? This sort of thing is infiltrating our country, the UK, but in general we still offer a treatment plan in the form of talk therapy. Medication just masks the symptoms, it doesn’t get to the root of the issue and heal that, the point of meds is to take them to create a window where you can work on your issues, not to just use them without other help, although that is the American model. In this case if you are now suffering depression we’d say the meds are not terribly effective. Are you open to seeking proper support? Talk therapy? We think it would be highly beneficial. If you are nervous, you could always start with CBT, a short-term form of therapy that focuses on the present day and not your past but helps you learn how to question and change your thinking. What we see here is what’s called ‘cognitive distortions’, where our mind is addicted to negative thought loops. Also note that music and sadness can very much be addictive. If you know it makes you sad but you are still listening to it, there is an issue. These are very deep rooted issues with rejection from the sounds of it, so after a round of CBT to stabilise you we’d suggest a deeper therapy like schema therapy or one of the therapies in this article http://bit.ly/BPDtreatment. Note by referring you to this article we are not diagnosing you with BPD, it’s just that these therapies help people with abandonment issues.Best, HT.

Hi there Allen. There is certainly a lot going on here, not things that a comment response can deal with. First of all this sense that women are some ‘other’ that you have to approach scientifically is very interesting. Does this touch your other relating as well? Such as with colleagues? We imagine that with women this could lead to awkward interactions or even situations where a woman felt things were inappropriate and were upset with you, which then would be terribly upsetting for you too. But you say you have women friends. What is the difference between the women you are friends with and the ones you don’t know, do you separate the two in your head? Are these friends you’ve had for a long time? We only ask that as there is something to your comment, if you don’t mind us saying, that brings to mind Asperger’s and the autism spectrum. Of course it’s just a comment, but we’d recommend you have a peek at our articles on these and see if they sound familiar. You see if you were on the spectrum you would find relating very strange like some mathematic puzzle you had to solve whereas everyone else just seems to naturally ‘get’ it. So you are left always confused and frustrated. It’s just that those on the spectrum aren’t born with the same brain wiring around relating and have to consciously learn it. The problem with learning it from internet articles, there are far too many by male dating ‘gurus’ these days who just teach you how to manipulate someone. And trust us, no woman wants to be manipulated like that. Real attraction starts because two people share values and interest and become more and more comfortable in each others company and also find each other physically attractive. We are also curious about ‘talking’ to CBT therapists. What CBT therapy could help you with would be the cognitive assumptions you make, the black and white thinking and the generalisations and the assumptions. It’s very good at that. It won’t focus on your dating, it will focus on your thinking, which is actually the real problem, so dating would get better just by default. And it’s going to require a lot of hard work and commitment, it’s not a magic wand. If you were by chance on the spectrum, you’d find CBT very frustrating at first as ASD makes thinking very rigid, it can be a real shift at first to even consider other ways of thinking. But it is one of the recommended therapies. Otherwise there are several therapies nowadays that focus just on relating. You might find them interesting, we have an article on them here http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy.Hope that helps. Best, HT.

Hi Tom, this is a very brave share, and you seem a very brave person in general. We suspect it’s more common than you might think to have no sexual experience in your 40s. But as you say, mainstream society creates no safe space to discuss this let alone celebrate the unique and interesting path it presents (but note the mainstream society you speak of is hardly all of society, although your mind seems to see it as so). But, as you seem to have a sense of, we don’t actually think this lack of sexual experience is the real problem but a symptom. The problem lies in extremely low self esteem that is connected to intimacy and relating issues and a tendency towards cognitive distortions, such as assumptions and black and white thinking, which you are using, fair enough, as a coping mechanism. For example, even if you did suddenly have a sexual experience, we don’t feel it would magically fix your sense of shame, disconnection, unworthiness, and loneliness, and what feels like depression, a depression that for you is normal, and could very well be tinged with grief, given you have no living family members. And inversely, if you were to work on these issues, we feel your sexual confidence and relating skills would naturally improve. So if we were to work with you as a client we’d be curious about where these beliefs about yourself came from, this way of thinking, this lack of confidence, as we don’t feel the answer would be girls not liking you in school, we imagine that it far more complex. And that this complex way you have formed your way of relating to others means you are unconsciously choosing a life where you are the rejected misfit so that you can constantly reconfirm this unconscious belief about yourself and make it your reality. As there are many communities out there who have no relation to the mainstream and aren’t judgemental and don’t aspire to or respect any of these clichéd ways of being you are carefully focussed on. Finally, is there a reason you haven’t sought therapy over this? A therapist wouldn’t at all judge but would create an open, safe space If you did want someone who deals with sexual issues, might want to consider looking for a psychosexual therapist with CBT training, a practical therapy that helps you realign your thinking and perspective. Although we suspect a therapy created to particularly help with relating issues might be more useful, as, again, we don’t see the lack of sex as the issue http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy. In summary, we don’t see this situation as the hopeless one you do, not at all .We see a brave man navigating a ton of grief and sadness who is controlled by deeply rooted, very negative, and likely largely unconscious core beliefs that consistently hold him back in life and that can be changed. Best, HT.

Hi there. So there’s a lot going on here in your comment! And by extension your mind, your emotions, and your life. What we notice is that you admit you don’t focus on your needs. That’s very interesting. It’s as if you are expecting someone else to come along and save you from yourself, does that sound true? You see love does not really change anything. That’s a myth from films. We might for a few months feel a high from all the neurotransmitters and hormones involved, but we will still essentially be who we are, with all our issues and problems and all our low self-esteem and anger issues. And our hopelessness. The hope you seek, needs to be sourced, as we think deep down you know, from YOU. The problem is people are pretty smart. If deep down we are angry, frustrated, feel the world owes us… and this is out of balance with our other emotions, well people sense it. And it’s not really an attractive energy, unfortunately. Think of the people you have a crush on. What energy is it about them that attracts you? You will find it is usually as they seem confident of themselves, engaged in life, etc. Not that we shouldn’t be angry or frustrated, we should, in a balanced amount, these are healthy emotions. But if your balance is way out, others will know and be wary. And then we end up lonely, and even angrier and more frustrated and with even lower self-esteem, and on the cycle goes. Next thing we notice – you seem to think that taking care of you needs equates to selfishness. This is very interesting. Where did you learn this, from who? What makes you think this is true? What if it wasn’t? And then we notice that you are angry at people you’ve never even really had contact on but are obsessing on. So we sense addiction at play. You are using them for a high, then comes a crash, yes? Romance addiction happens when we are trying to escape deep emotional pain. And you talk about this lonely childhood, of feeling different. We’d imagine that plays a part, but we’d suggest or guess family might also, as you seem to have maladaptive relating skills which tends to come from how we grew up at home. In summary, after saying all this, do we think you are hopeless, absolutely not. We don’t think there is anything ‘wrong’ with you. You’ve lived through difficult experiences that you need to process and you didn’t learn good relating or self belief so need to learn it all as an adult. We look at all this, all of it, and we don’t see a single thing that couldn’t shift. Change. Will it be easy or happen overnight, no. But it can all change. You are very young. You’d be surprised how many people are sexually inexperienced and have never loved at your age. You are far from alone. The first thing that has to happen here is you have to decide you really want to change, no matter what. And then we’d say do what it takes to get help. There are a lot of self help books on relating etc, but we sense a lot of past difficulties to process, and we’d suggest proper support in the form of counselling or therapy would be the safe space you need. You won’t trust any therapist at first with this background, so don’t expect to ‘like’ a therapist at first, just look for someone you think you might grow to trust over time. If you are on a low budget, use our guide to finding free to low cost counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. In the meantime, start taking care of your needs. Work at figuring out what your personal values are, what you actually find interesting, what gives you a sense of meaning, commit yourself to hobbies that make you feel good, decide on a career that lights you up, follow what feels good to you no matter what others think or say. Stop the self sabotage and the endless seeking of pain and every time you make a decision, ask, does this actually make me feel good? Or am I just trying to hurt myself or make myself feel bad again? This isn’t selfish. It’s smart. Best, HT.