7 Surprising Reasons Why You’re Still Feeling Lonely
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 6, 2023
by Andrea M. Darcy
By: Mick C
The number of people reporting feeling lonely has doubled in the last 30 years. It’s now being called a “loneliness pandemic”.
What if I like being alone?
Of course there is nothing wrong with being alone. The introverts amongst us of us are predisposed to enjoy their own company over being in a crowd, and this is perfectly healthy. And time alone has many health benefits.
But feeling lonely is different than being alone. It’s not about about whether you are with other people or by yourself at all.
It’s about how connected to others you want to be versus how much you actually are. That’s why you can feel lonely with a partner or in a crowd.
It’s a myth to think that having many friends means you aren’t lonely. Loneliness is less about quantity and more about a lack of quality interaction, of the sort that leaves us feeling connected, valued and able to value.
But is loneliness a big deal?
Yes it certainly can be. Overcoming loneliness is important because left unchecked it can lead to anxiety, addictions like alcoholism, and poor sleep patterns. A study at the University of Chicago, looking at how loneliness affects the immune system, found it also increased risk of cancer and stroke.
Not that loneliness is all bad. Sometimes exploring our own need for others can lead to a deeper understanding of what our life means to us. At the very least it helps us be grateful for and respect the relationships we do have. So dealing with loneliness now and then can be healthy.
7 Surprising Reasons Why You Can’t Stop Feeling Lonely
But if you are still feeling lonely no matter how many wonderful people you connect with, it could be you are overlooking the real reason for your inability to feel connected.
By: NoirKitsuné
1. You are afraid of intimacy.
Sometimes the most seemingly outgoing person is the one who is hiding a deep fear of rejection and keeps others from getting too close.
To connect with others and stop feeling lonely you need to take the risk of allowing people to see who you truly are, and be brave enough to seek out the relationships you really want, even if sometimes it doesn’t work out. If you suspect you are holding back from real connections, you might want to read about the signs that you fear intimacy.
2. You are stuck in the past.
Sometimes you can have a lingering sense of being alone you don’t understand because it’s actually a hangover from your past. Perhaps you were an only child, shy, or ostracised at school, and even though you are now an outgoing adult you are holding on to that sense of feeling lonely you once had. Or perhaps it’s a past hurt that is stopping you from developing the connections you now need to feel good.
If this sounds a possibility, talk therapy would be a good fit for you, creating a safe environment to identify and work through the old beliefs and emotions that no longer suit you.
3. You are struggling with codependency.
Codependency involves using others for your sense of self worth. But it’s asking too much of someone else to put the weight of your happiness around their neck. Inevitably rejection will come, you will feel misunderstood, and that leads straight to feeling lonely. A codependent also tends to put their own life aside in order to do what their partner wants, which can mean you are hanging out with your partner’s friends who might not be people you have enough in common with to feel connected to.
Worried you are codependent? Read more about codependency here.
By: Jaume Escofet
4. You don’t know yourself well enough.
If you have never taken the time to truly learn what makes you happy and inspired, you’ll end up like a leaf in a stream, at the whims of other people’s ideas of what you should be doing and who you should be hanging out with. You might be in a career that doesn’t suit you, surrounded by people that you can’t connect with because on a deeper level they don’t match you.
If this sounds like you, and you have an active successful life but are still feeling lonely, it might be time to do some self development work. Think about reading some self-help books, talking to a coach, or trying a talk therapy like person-centred counselling or psychodynamic psychotherapy.
5. You aren’t acknowledging how much you have changed.
Life is a journey, and we are all on our own unique path. What this means is that you can’t ensure that everyone you know and once loved will always be on converging pathways. Sometimes we just outgrow relationships, and holding on to friendships that are no longer in line with who are leaves us misunderstood and feeling lonely. Let go of outdated relationships with love and create room to meet the people who understand who you are today.
6. You are secretly attached to the idea that you are a lonely sort.
If you choose to keep something in your life it is inevitably because in some way you are benefitting from it. Identifying those benefits allows you to choose to let them go. If you can’t stop feeling lonely no matter how you try to change your life, it could be that you are attached to the way it makes you feels special and untouchable, or like you are ‘too complicated’ for others to understand, i.e., smarter than them! Spend time making a list of all the benefits feeling loved and accepted can bring you instead.
7. You are actually just suffering from depression.
Depression makes the best of us feel flawed and useless.
It’s impossible to connect with others if you are feeling that you aren’t worthwhile, so loneliness and depression are interlinked. If you can’t shake your feelings of being totally alone in the world, and also constantly feel lethargic and uninspired, consider these signs that you might be depressed.
Can Therapy Help Loneliness?
Absolutely. As the above list clearly demonstrates, feeling lonely is often connected to needing a clearer idea of who we are and what we truly want from other people, then having enough self-esteem to seek that out.
A psychotherapist or counsellor can help you with dealing with loneliness as they’ll guide you to get clear on your identity and strengths as well as help you let go of any past issues that are encouraging you to shy away from connecting with others.
If you found this article useful, do share it! Harley Therapy is on a mission to make emotional health something we can all talk about, so every share counts.
Hi ,I kinder relates to the facts stated here !
I am lonely course I believe I am fight becouse I think differently and I’ m always right .
And they always wrong ,well I’m not sure anymore am I the problem here and what should.
Help I tend to look things deeper than every one around me ,and that’s the really problem I don’t know what to do that’s make me a lonely
And I hate to be surrounded by people help why I funtion like this
Pumza, that sounds hard. And we are sorry to hear you feel so lonely. Some people think in completely different ways than others which means they feel misunderstood and feel exhausted trying to understand others. We can’t diagnose you over the internet. It could be many things, from low self-esteem to trust issues or even what might be labelled a personality disorder. Your best bet here, as it seems this is really affecting your life in every way, and you can’t seem to get better alone, is to speak to a professionally trained counsellor or psychotherapist. We wish you courage!
I can relate to your writing about feeling loneliness. It happens to me like once in a month which is really hard to deal with. Whenever it is happening, i can cry without any hurt feeling from deep down heart. I dont know why I’m like that and nowadays i feel like i fed up living in this world thinking that it would be better if i die soon (it ain’t suicidal thought 😊). Is it some kind of depression? I’m a student in a new country. I find it difficult to study here since the education system is totally different from my country. But i know that no pain no gain, plus I’m studying my fav subjects but still stressful. I don’t really think that it is the reason because this feeling loneliness happened to me even before i came here. I sometimes think that it could probably be because of my childhood as i didn’t grow up with my parents, lived with my grandparents because my parents passed away when i was only 4. Whenever i feel lonely, i try to find a solution to fix it like watching tv, listening to music and sermon on YouTube. Sometimes it helps but sometimes it did not. What should i do? Do i have depression?
Hi Destiny, it’s interesting, some of your choice of phrases. “No pain no gain’, ‘cry without hurt feeling’. It feels like you judge yourself for your emotions. Is that possible? Losing your parents when you are 4 is definitely a very hard thing. Have you ever had a proper chance to explore your emotions about that? Sometimes we are able to repress our sadness and grief for a very long time, we hide it away inside and tell ourselves we are fine. But we are always numb, what some people call ‘walking depression’. And then a new trauma arrives, and it triggers that old trauma. We’d imagine the stress of moving to a new country could do that. Watching TV is not a solution, it’s an escape, a way to numb out. We would highly advise, particularly as you have suicidal thinking, to reach out for support. Most colleges and universities have free or very low cost counselling. Could you look into it?
My brother suffers with anxiety anger issues, depression, and bipolar. he has had a hard past life and i think he is stuck in the past witch is making him relive through the things that caused these. Right now he is going though his first heart break and these symptoms are coming though. it has been really rough at home and we are tying to find him help. Any ideas hat would be best for him. Mental hospital? Therapy?
We are quite surprised you’d jump to the conclusion ‘mental hospital’ particularly as you then say ‘therapy’, so we assumed you haven’t even tried to get him help yet. If this is the case how do you know he has bipolar disorder? Is this a guess, or a proper diagnosis? In families where one person is struggling, particularly the child, it’s often a sign that the family itself has hidden unspoken issues. So while of course therapy would be wonderful for your brother, if he wants it, it is likely the case that family therapy is the best step of all.
Your article has been extremely helpful as it has allowed me to look deeper into my depression. A few months back I had depression and I think it was because of my loneliness. Even though I am cured-for lack of better word-of my depression I don’t have many close friends which just plunges me into this deep sense of loneliness. This loneliness spell can last for days, even weeks, which can distracts me from my work. It’s not unbearable but I’m just slightly concerned. Even though this website may be really old if you stumble upon this I could really use your advice.
Leah, loneliness and depression are often really interlinked. In fact you could say we have created a society where it’s hard for a sensitive person to NOT be depressed. Do take loneliness seriously. Connection has now been shown as so important they even think it affects our physical health and our lifespan… you might find our article on connecting with others useful https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/connecting-with-people.htm. We fully believe everyone has a ‘tribe’ out there, it’s just that sometimes we have created a life that leads us away from people we share values with and who could understand us, and we need to take stock. “What are my values? What really matters to me down here, despite what anyone else says? What things and hobbies make me feel totally alive? How can I do more of them, and meet other people who share this passion?” Best, HT
I don’t knw that waht happened to me always i feel loneliness i have everyone but feels like no one else there for me . The thing that i always want to share my pain and open up my heart with someone but i didn’t get that right one to do. I think if i share my feelings everything will be fine. I’m a student! Last year’s i got some worst past in my life . I really hard to comeback for my life my friends who encourage me to get back. Last year’s i really suffered from depression. But i do forget everything but still something on my mind but i dnt knw what was it? I want to know the reason what is my problem. And nowadays I’m being too anger. And talking my self sometimes i think my self that I’m mental.
I can’t be happy i share my feelings with my self with talking to me. And i started to write a dairy but nothing works. And I’m really afraid of intimacy. If i want to do anything i think it will be like my past and then i stop. Just i think everything will be like my past ! Can you give some suggestions. And i hope you understand what said and I’m not good at English. Thank you
Hi Anna, if we understand correctly, last year something difficult happened to you and now you want to just move on? The problem is when upsetting experiences happen we have to process the emotions around them, and if they trigger older, unresolved issues, like things from childhood, we can have a very big emotional response that can be overwhelming. And we can’t just choose to forget. That doesn’t work. It’s like trying to keep a beach ball under water – exhausting and ineffective. We need to process our experiences and feelings. If you have had depression, and now have mood swings, and what seems like is still depression, then it’s worth seeking support. Does your school offer counselling? We’d say gather up your courage and see if you can go work with a counsellor. As you say, you’ve been trying, but it’s not working. that’s a sign it’s time to get some help. Finally, there is nothing wrong with talking to yourself or feeling upset or angry. The idea we are all supposed to be happy and perfect all the time not only isn’t true, it’s unhealthy. You don’t at all sound ‘mental’ to us, you sound like a young girl who is struggling, like many other young people, who needs a bit of support. As for writing in a diary, you have to keep going, it can take time to work, it can help to promise yourself to rip up the pages immediately after, to write really fast without judging yourself for what you write, then rip things up, this way you can really feel safe and let your emotions out. Best, HT.
The world is full of lonely people and will become worse. Texts replace a phone call. Facebook replaces visits. I see my family on Facebook a lot. I call one sister. The rest seems like some masquerade.
Who posts their feelings , real on Facebook.
I can remember before Facebook people got together a lot more. I visited someone new over the week end just to feel a real human and not a computer or iPhone.
It was ok. I did not know anyone there.
Who really laughs alone and with social media.
It s fun to do things together at times. Sometimes not.
I like shopping alone or with someone. I get it and gone.
Just enjoying time spent together is meaningful to me.
My children grown and live a distance away.
My husband never feels well. Our intimacy died.
I can see how people have affairs. Sexual cause if your spouse been sick for years, not a lot left.
He not into much at all. Reading way too much fiction. I like to read, but not for 8 hours.
Signed
The world will become lonely
Hello.
Presently I am studying and I have a kind of busy lifestyle, but even when I am busy I feel lonely most of the times. And I think this is affecting my efficiency level also, I feel exhausted and uninspired. Sometimes I just think I want to talk. I call my mother or sister but sometimes the conversation with them just bores me out. I don’t know exactly what I want to listen. I have friends but of course I cannot be with someone for the whole 24 hours. Currently I am living in a different country for a study programme and I live here alone. Yes I have made a few friends here and I talk to them during class hours generally. I live alone, I cook food for myself and eat alone. Feels like I always keep on missing someone but do not know what exactly I am seeking for. My parents are not that interactive they just ask how I am and general things like my health and weather and that all, I also do not like to share what I feel actually because they do not understand. I am more open to my elder sister, sometimes she helps but I do not share more with her also as she gets bored while listening to my stories. And I share my feelings with my friends but not in depth. Apart from friends and family, I am currently single. I had two situationships which did not worked well and I was the one who left.
In short, I feel I am seeking for something or someone and that’s why I am feeling lonely I think, but I don’t know exactly what I am seeking for. And I don’t know how to deal with this, and now Its affecting me and my efficiency.
Hi. I am 35yrs old and have been single for 20 yrs. I struggle to consistently connect with people. I often question if what I am saying is the right thing, because my memory isn’t the best. Currently I exercise everyday and practice gratitude to help me through uncomfortable feelings. But what can I do to help me find love? It seems impossible, but obviously it’s not
#8 – You just can’t find people to connect with. Sometimes it’s circumstantial, and we weren’t meant to be alone, so not having connection will hurt.
I frequently get this feeling that I am all alone in this world and nobody really cares, eventhough that’s clearly not the case. I have someone who listens to me, truly cares for me, and they are the only person I feel free to share my sorrows. But somehow, this feeling tends to comeback for the simplest reasons. I am also scared of drawing this person away by sharing too much. I can’t seem to be completely contended because of this fear. Maybe I think too much, idk.
Looking back, I have always felt like this since primary school. One minute I am all good and the next one, I feel this immense loneliness.