Psychological Projection – Are You Making Everyone Else Responsible?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 8, 2023
by Andrea M. Darcy
Often have issues in relationships? Where everyone else ‘does you wrong’? You need to learn about psychological projection.
What is psychological projection?
Psychological projection involves attributing the feelings and thoughts we don’t like in ourselves to those around us instead, without even realising we are doing so. And it’s a common habit we all tend to indulge in.
But psychological projection is also something that we can learn to stop doing, and by so doing we can improve our relationships both with others and ourselves.
What does psychological projection look like?
Psychological projection is in the way we decide to see others. It’s there when deep down we find a work colleague annoying, but rather than admitting this to ourselves and feeling a bad person we instead decide they don’t like us.
It’s often present in times of conflict. When you act calm in an argument with a partner, telling them they are the angry one, not acknowledging that beneath your controlled surface you are actually pretty vexed, too? You are projecting.
It is behind things like bullying, where the bully secretly feels vulnerable so then makes others vulnerable to his or her actions.
And psychological projection is very common in parenting. It’s present when a parent who secretly feels a failure demands their child be perfect, or a mother with many hidden psychological challenges ends up with an anxious child she drags from therapist to therapist.
Forms of psychological projection you might overlook
Most often psychological projection is something we put onto another person, but it is possible to project onto an inanimate object or even situation. For example, ‘this car is so embarrassing it’s why no woman wants to date me’ or ‘I wasn’t stressed at all, it was just that we had to go to that funeral’ could both be forms of projection.
Psychological projection can be about positive attributes too, not just ones you perceive as negative. If you constantly think other people are very powerful and focussed, it could be that you are too insecure to see that you are these things yourself.
By: ItzaFineDay
And it’s not just individuals who practise psychological projection. It can also be something we do as a group or as a society. For example, when a workplace starts to fall, the very managers who were not pulling their weight will blame the higher boss as lazy.
It could even be said there is projection in the way we now make terrorists the source of all evil in society without ever looking at the ways we are cruel and unkind to others ourselves, or don’t pull our own weight within communities and globally.
Why do we project our feelings onto others?
Projection can be learned behaviour. If as children our parents or guardians projected their feelings onto others we can assume this is just what one does.
Most often we project onto others because we have such a backlog of repressed emotions we are ashamed of, we are unconsciously driven to unload them elsewhere in an attempt to feel better.
But how does one end up with so many repressed emotions? You might have had a parent who was not fully available to you in your important early years, so you learned that it was best to hide certain emotions that made your parent or guardian even less likely to give you the attention you needed (for more on this read about attachment theory).
Or it might be a childhood trauma you experienced that left you sure that that certain feelings like sadness, anger, or sexual feelings are unacceptable.
Schools of thought about psychological projection
Freud labelled the way we unconsciously react in certain ways to protect ourselves from what we feel a threat as ‘ego defenses’, now commonly referred to as ‘defense mechanisms’. Psychological projection was seen by Freud as a defense mechanism designed to help us feel safe from feeling judged for having apparently ‘unacceptable’ thoughts or feelings.
Jung connected psychological projection to his concept of ‘the shadow’. The shadow is the part of ourselves we refuse to identify with because we deem it as unacceptable and not ‘positive’. This includes things like anger, sadness, and vulnerability. Of course all these aspects are necessary parts that also give us useful things. For example, anger helps us set boundaries, and sadness helps us understand what happiness is.
For Jung, projection happens when we are not able to accept our shadow and its gifts but would rather thing we are only comprised of ‘positive’ things, imposing a judgement system on ourselves we must maintain by forcing others to be the scapegoat for parts of ourselves.
Melanie Klein, one of the founding figures of psychoanalytic theory who furthered Freud’s theories, pointed out that projection can also be not just about denying parts of ourselves but also about connecting ourselves to others in a way that allows us to feel we can acquire parts of what they have.
This makes most sense when looking at positive projection. For example, if you project your ability to be powerful onto another who happens to be very successful then it might be that you are unconsciously trying to attach yourself to their success.
Worried you are projecting but don’t know how to stop?
A lifetime spent making others responsible for any feeling you have that you aren’t comfortable with is not something that stops overnight. It is a process that involves becoming more honest about who you are, and more at home with yourself and your emotions.
If you worry you are projecting but find it overwhelming to figure out how it all began or how to stop, it might be helpful to talk to a counsellor or psychotherapist who is trained at helping you recognise your patterns and find new ways of approaching your relationships and life.
Andrea M. Darcy is a health and wellbeing expert, who has done some training in person-centred counselling and coaching. She often writes about trauma, relationships, and ADHD, and advises people on how to plan their therapy journey. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
I found was projecting my hate of lying on to others. I hate other people lying to me and would rather them tell the truth. This is because it had felt to me from my traumatic past that I had to lie or stay silent to protect myself and others but I hated doing it, as underneath I wanted to be able to say how it actually was for me.
Hi Joyce, thanks for Sharing. That is very self-aware! And shows a very good understanding of how projection works. But we hope you don’t judge yourself for not sharing your traumatic past. Trauma is difficult, and we all respond differently in our attempts to manage and continue. If you feel the trauma of your past is constantly ruining things in your present day life, do consider reaching out for support. A professional counsellor or therapist can help you work through the trauma and manage the symptoms.
I’m constantly projecting my rage towards other woman who I see as mother figures. Who can’t meet my needs. I know it’s the inner child projecting the hurt and pain of having an abusive mother and dysfunctional broken family. I can’t stop doing it in owing it but struggle with it.
Do you know a LOT of us have rage towards mothers. And it’s not talked about half as much as it should be. Thanks for sharing this. We must get an article up about it. It’s okay to be angry and have rage. Accepting the rage can actually make it more controllable than always denying it, so you are on the right track. Sometimes it can be hard to get the rage out because we don’t want to ruin what relationship we now have with the person who we feel wronged by in the past. It can help to remember the rage is toward the mother you had then, not the person today. To see that your mother too has grown and changed, as you have and to focus the rage on the past person who no longer exists any more than that little girl, with journalling… writing letters to that mother she was then from the voice of the girl you were then can help, make them as angry as you like then rip them up afterward. And of course therapy is wonderful for mother issues if it’s in the budget! It’s a very good investment seeing as our mother relationship tends to affect all our other relationships. We wish you courage.
My boyfriend projects his frustrations regarding his own daughters terrible behavior, onto my daughter! I really don’t think he even knows he’s doing it. He loves my daughter and we have zero issues when it’s just us. But i’ve noticed a pattern now. After a visit from his daughter where she has been repeatedly corrected and encouraged to be respectful and kind, he will then find a very small insignificant detail to complain about my daughter. I know he is frustrated with his own daughters behavior. But unfortunately she spends the majority of her time at her other home where it is allowed to act this way. I just don’t know how to bring this to his attention without this becoming a defensive argument and ultimately breaking us up. I’m sure he’ll accuse me of thinking my daughter is perfect. But I’m not blind. My daughter is not perfect, however, she is kind and respectful. Unfortunately this is something his daughter has never been required on a consistent basis. I’m in the process of looking for a therapist to help but I am afraid he may see that as us “ganging up on him “.
Hi Ericka, yes, you can’t make someone else go to therapy, that has to be his choice. We’d suggest couples counselling, which would create a safe space for you to discuss this in a constructive over destructive way. As the fact that you can’t communicate without being worried means there is not an open channel of communication between you both and that could also be something to address at the same time. It sounds like this is more than just about your two daughters.
He keeps telling me that I am being judgmental and critical of him when I am not. Very innocent things are often twisted and distorted. For example, i said I feel like he doesnt care when he doesnt ask after my family to him meant that I was telling him he didnt care at all and he shouted at me. Me saying to him that I was really sad and I kept hoping he would call to him meant I was telling him he was wrong for not calling and I had ignored everything else.
I tried to show him that I wasnt being critical and tried to explain my intent, but ultimately he couldnt see it and still accuses me of it to day. These are just a few of many times I’ve been told I’m being critical and judgement and I’m hurting him and whilst he acknowledges I do good things it doesnt erase all this bad – which I’m not doing. I just wish I could help him see who I am and not the version he seems to be projecting onto me. I’m going to lose him because I cant cope with it anymore 🙁
Hi Lucy, sounds like a breakdown of communication. And we’d say relationships are 50/50. We do see a tendency in your comment to blame him. “It’s not him, it’s me”. We’d imagine that it is possible you are constantly monitoring and judging him, perhaps out of insecurity. And that he feels judged and so then gets angry and misinterprets. So you both have stuff to work on.
My partner has made me aware that I project onto him in our relationship – my anxieties, insecurities, worries and general negative feelings. He says I project them onto him, telling him he feels a certain way, when actually it’s me. However, at the time, I say that I am simply expressing how I feel.
It has taken me a while to just about see where he is coming from. I think I have been/am a bit in denial, and have even thought he might be gaslighting me in the past.
I want to understand why I do it and how to stop / become a better person and partner.
Hi Lucie, we don’t know you or him, so we can’t give you exact answers based on a comment. If you have issues with relating and communication, it would be a much better idea to seek some counselling and run through all this in the safety of the therapy room with a therapist who could really get to know you and your situation and issues. Relating issues run deep, right back to childhood and parenting, you can’t solve them in a day or over a comment box. But we’ll give you a tip in the mean time. What you start with is to listen to your language. Do you start sentences with ‘you’? “You make me feel…” “I know you think/feel this”…..? Or do your sentences start with “I”? A good format when communicating how we feel is “I feel __ when you __.” The point is that nobody can make you feel anything, you are in charge of how you feel, and this format is about being responsible for your feelings instead of blaming the other, and opening a conversation about their actions without starting from a point of blame. Another tip is to learn proper listening skills – both of the other, and of your own thoughts and feelings. We have articles on it, use our search bar to find them. Best, HT.
I am working in a work-from-home setup. We have a team and sometimes when we are working I can’t help but peek at our chat group to see who is making mistakes on their task. I have low self-esteem, and I often make mistakes and sometimes wish others would have to in their tasks. I have read that when someone has anxiety, they notice mistakes because they think of themselves as a mistake as well.