Were you Sexually Abused as a Child? How to Tell
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 8, 2023
By: Wade Harris
by Andrea M. Darcy
Suspect you were sexually abused as a child? You are far from alone. The Office for National Statistics (ONS) estimates that 7.5% of British adults experienced some form of sexual abuse before the age of 16.
And real rates might be higher, given that it’s also thought around a third of children abused by an adult tell no one.
What is sexual abuse?
It’s important to understand what qualifies as sexual abuse before dismissing an experience you might have had as ‘not a big deal’. In fact definitions of child sexual abuse have recently been updated.
First of all, sexual abuse does not have to be between a child and a ‘grownup’. It can be an older sibling or another child who abuses you.
Abuse doesn’t even need to involve touch
It is now recognised that sexual abuse does not even have to involve physicality to be extraordinarily damaging to a child and the future adult they will become. Sexual abuse can can be any situation where a child is exploited for the sexual pleasure of another.
Called ‘non contact’ or ‘covert’ sexual abuse, this can look like someone who constantly exposed their body to you, forced you to expose your body, showed you pornography, or constantly talked about sexual things to you.
Examples of covert abuse are a father who always talks about a daughter’s body ‘being too sexual’ when she is going through puberty. Or a mother who strips a child and makes them stand naked in their room for hours as ‘punishment’ for ‘being bad’. Again, such examples can both result in the same long-term symptoms as other forms of sexual abuse.
Wouldn’t I remember if I was sexually abused as a child?
Victims of sexual abuse often do not remember the experience. A wiped out memory for certain parts of your childhood can be an indicator trauma of some form took place.
Children can’t just walk away if they find themselves in a difficult or terrifying situation. So ‘forgetting’ becomes your brain’s way of surviving and coping. And we carry this coping mechanism into adulthood.
So have I been sexually abused? Knowing the signs
Sexual abuse can cause long-term issues in your behaviours, relationships, and sex life, as well as in the ways you treat yourself. It can even effect your physical wellbeing.
Trauma symptoms
Being sexually abused as a child can cause long-term symptoms of trauma, now called ‘complex post-traumatic stress disorder‘ or ‘c-PTSD’. This can look like:
- foggy thinking
- restlessness
- memory loss around the trauma
- vigilance – more jumpy with noises and surprises than others are
- emotional outbursts
- not liking certain places/situations/smells/sounds without knowing why
- deep feelings of shame and guilt.
Relationship symptoms
Healthy relationships tend to be very challenging if you experienced sexual abuse as a child. Do you experience some of the following?
- trust issues
- fear of intimacy
- trouble setting boundaries and saying no
- easily stressed by relationships
- often overwhelmed by emotions
- resentment and anger issues.
You might also constantly attract relationships which ‘re-enact’ abuse. This can look like:
- codependency
- emotional abuse
- attracting those with traits of narcissism or NPD
- always playing the victim.
Sex symptoms
Sexual abuse as a child can also really affect the way you approach sex. Do you recognise yourself in the following?
- promiscuity
- or fear or dislike of sex
- being a ‘pleaser’ sexually and not knowing what you really want
- confusion around your sexual identity
- dissociation during sex (like you ‘leave your body’ and watch from above)
- needing to escape into fantasy in order to enjoy sex
- having sexual fantasies where you are abused or raped
- constantly using innuendo in conversation.
By: Rie H
Physical symptoms from being abuse as a child
Being sexually abused as a child or adolescent can lead to physical symptoms such as:
- obesity
- constantly having small injuries
- constant low grade illnesses like cold and flu
- unexplained medical symptoms
- feeling totally disconnected from your body
- high pain tolerance
- feeling oddly dirty or itchy all the time
- or that you can’t trust your body.
Related psychological conditions
The trauma of sexual abuse leads to many other psychological issues. Do you feel you might also suffer from some of the following?
- depression
- anxiety and social anxiety
- sleep disorders
- eating disorders
- self-harm
- suicidal thinking
- low self-esteem
- identity crisis
- addictions
- sexual problems
- panic attacks
- OCD.
And finally, sexual abuse is linked to the manifestation of certain personality disorders, in particular borderline personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder.
The connection is so high that some psychologists debate if these disorders exist at all or are really just manifestations of trauma, with some calling to rebrand BPD as complex trauma.
I think I was abused as a child. What do I do now?
If you do suspect you were sexually abused as a child, you might find yourself suddenly experiencing overwhelming waves of anger and fury. It is highly advised you don’t react by immediately contacting and accusing all the people who might have abused you.
You will be doing this from a vulnerable place, and can put yourself at risk of attack and manipulation. You might even in the process alienate yourself from other family and friends whose support you count on, right when you need them most. It’s better to first seek support to help you process what you are dealing with, and then make big decisions from a stable and secure place.
[Our article on ‘What to do if you think you were abused‘ goes into more detail].
Seek support first
The symptoms above are comprehensive, but note that it’s not just sexual abuse which leads to these sign of trauma. Many difficult childhood experiences can result in similar symptoms. Support can help you get clearer on what the root cause really is.
Reach out to good friends you trust. Then do try to find professional support as soon as possible, whether that is a counsellor or psychotherapist with expertise around sexual abuse, or a local support group.
If money is an issue, you can speak to your GP, or read our guide to low-cost counselling for helpful tips. Don’t forget that if you are feeling very down there are support lines like the Good Samaritans you can call, along with other free an confidential dedicated help lines.
Worried this is you? We connect you with some of London’s most experienced and highly regarded therapists for childhood sexual abuse. Not in London, or on a budget? Try our sister site of UK-wide therapy listings, where you can find an affordable therapist or online counsellor based on unbiased reviews.
Andrea M. Darcy is a health and wellbeing expert, trained in person-centred counselling and coaching. She often writes about trauma, relationships, and ADHD, and advises people on how to plan their therapy journey. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
What if a person has clear memories but doubts them because the person who did it now seems ‘so nice’ and innocent? And what if someone feels their experiences weren’t ‘bad enough’ because things weren’t forced, or the worst kinds of abuse and the person who did this didn’t say anything at the time. I’d be very grateful if you could offer advice about those questions or point me to resources that may do so.
Hi Beth, we’d advice you use the search bar to read our other piece on abuse, “Why your definition of child sexual abuse might need updating’. Nowadays it’s accepted the psychological affects of abuse are present even if if was just mental abuse around sexual issues, such as ongoing sexual comments directed at a child. And it’s not about ‘what actually happened’, it’s about what the results of your personal memories and perspective is having on your capacity to manage in life. And it sounds like there is more than enough upset and confusion there for you to seek counselling over. Hope that helps.
I’m thirteen. I’ve dealt with lots of physical and emotional abuse as a child. But I’m starting to realize that I have an intense sexual drive. I’ve been doing some research and came upon several comments that talk about how sexual abuse might be related to an overactive sex drive. I do remember being grasped and rubbed in certain areas by my neighbor when I was younger. But all I remember is him touching my back and hugging me close when no one was around. I received.. little treats when I let him hug me. Candy. I don’t know if anything else happened because I’ve forgotten. I’m searching for tests I can take, or maybe even people to talk to so I can confirm or deny my suspicions. I just really want to know.
Do find our other article on the new definition of sexual abuse. All these kinds of things are abuse. This sort of rubbing then giving treats is psychologically very hard on children. It is a really good idea to find someone to talk to. It’s less about what exactly happened then how you feel, and if you are looking it up on the internet, it means a part of you is upset by the experience. Is there a counsellor at school? Or someone you trust? Otherwise, there are free helplines for young people in both the UK and the US if you feel you really want to just have a chat. They put you in touch with trained and kind listeners. In the UK you can call Childline at 0800 1111. We hope you find some support with this, and thank you for your brave sharing.
I’m in a loving committed relationship with a man, yet find myself very grossed out/afraid of/revolted by his genetalia, especially the thought of putting it in my mouth. I’m otherwise very attracted to him, so it’s not like I’m a lesbian (although sometimes I am scared/grossed out by penesis enough to think I might be gay) Also, I’ve had dreams of childhood sexual abuse (specifically oral), and I have a really big dental phobia and strong gag reflex. I struggle with anxiety/mental health issues, and I have a really hard time trusting men, and I feel really protective of small children. But i don’t have any memories of abuse. I have a picture in my head of something that might have happened, but it’s not a memory. And I’m scared of going to therapy because I m scared of develping a false memory. Is there a way to know for sure if I was molested without risking a false memory? Thanks for any advice.
I am more than sure I was sexually abused as a kid, not on many occasions, but I remember the two times, which I will write here, just because I want to write it somewhere where I won’t be recognized, since I come from a very small country. Writing on our country-forums seems too risky and I really need to leave it somewhere, even if no one ever reads it.
My family was very Christian, especially my mom, who did talk to me about sex, but in a very Christian way (it’s for moms and dads, it’s pleasant once it happens and it should happen in marriage and in marriage only). In comparison to other Christian kids, I was educated, but not as nearly as much as I should have been.
Aside from encountering porn magazines in parks, while hanging out with other kids, I remember being shamed for playing with other kids as well (kissing a boy in the kindergarten) and, which is what I want to write about, being exposed to a man masturbating while me and my friend were accidentally there and ended up watching. She was 4 years older and curious and insosted that we stay and watch, while I really just wanted to go home, since I got terribly scared.
When I finally came home, hours later, and told that to my mom, she was upset and I know she wanted to help somehow, but she didn’t. I was, more or less, “shushed”, get over it and not go to the same place again. Which I obeyed, never quite processed, tucked deep inside of my memory and went on with my life. I felt horrible for a couple of days (actively horroble, all the time for a couple of days, which I think is way too long for a 6 year-old child).
A year or some later, the same firend and I were on the beach, where we were jumping in the water and playing. A man (some other man) was standing on the shore, quite close to us, watching us all the time. At some point, he was swimming behind me and I felt my panties slipping down, him watching me directly into my eyes. I ran away and told my mom the same evening what’s happened, she talked to my dad (in front of me) and he pretended he didn’t hear her. Nothing was ever mentioned again. I spent my entire childhood, until puberty, thinking it was all an accident and I was overreacting, feeling incredibly dumb and needy for even mentioning it to my parents.
At the same time, a lot of attention was being paid, by my mother, to the never ending story of how “our society is sex-crazed”, how “young girls dress too provocatively”, how “it’s wrong to even French-kiss someone before marriage”, how “sex is overrated” etc., but really, not much was said about child abuse.
First I developed an enormous fear of sex, then porn addiction, then the need to please my partners more than myself…and it’s only now, in my 30s that I’m finally learning to surrender to my loving, sex-positive and respectful husband, who not only thinks sex is a beautiful and natural thing, but he is very attentive to both mine and his needs. First time in my life, I feel like I MIGHT ACTUALLY let go of shame, guilt and need to be sexually what others expect – be it my crazy parents, or my chauvinist, abusing former partners.
Recently I tried to talk to my mom, but she doesn’t really remember it all very well. Although I did feel the need to hurt her and my dad, badly, I decided it is better to forgive, for they themselves were very poorly educated about it all. Plus, at the time, we were war refugees, didn’t even live in our home town for five years and they were probably worried sick about everything and anything, besides me being abused, so the proper reaction was missinng due to that – not due to the lack of their love (they really loved me and they still do).
What I’m still battling with is Christianity which makes my relationship to my mom very hard to nurture, since I blame the dogma for my mom’s wrong behaviour. I battle every day and hope to find the forgiveness in my heart, because I myself am about to become a mom and I think the only honest love I can give to my child is the one where there is no trauma, resentment and holding grudges.
Here’s the thing. If the memory is real or not, you have symptoms. Going to a therapist can help you work through those symptoms. What is scarier, going to therapy and feeling uncomfortable and looking at all these issues, or spending the rest of your life dealing with all these fears and worries? A good therapist will not focus on whether or not the memory is ‘real’ but what is real to you, how you can process what you feel, and how you can move forward into a life you feel comfortable and yourself in. And therapy is completely confidential. It’s between you and your therapist, unless you decide otherwise.
Thank you for sharing your story. Yes, these two experiences were sexual abuse, we’re sorry this happened. You sound like you have done a lot of work on it, and you have a depth of understanding of others that truly helps you, such as being able to understand how your parents did the best they can with the tools they then had. The anger you feel might seem to be about Christianity, and perhaps part of it is (Christianity can make it feel like we can never reach our parents, which can add to any repressed childhood feeling that we were abandoned by them when we needed them). But the thing about abuse is, even as our adult mind makes sense of it, the little child inside of us doesn’t, and her rage and despair still lives on. It’s those feelings that need to be processed, for us to truly find the peace so many of us seek after both abuse and feeling abandoned by our parents. If you could afford to talk to a counsellor or therapist, it would actually be a good idea (yes, we are a therapy site, we are bound to say that on one hand, but on the other hand abuse and feelings of abandonment are deep-rooted, big things that are simply too hard to navigate alone). Seek a therapist who has experience with abuse, and read our articles on how to choose the right therapist for you. We hope that helps. If there are not good therapists in your country, you might be able to find someone in another country willing to work over online.We applaud your courage, your resilience, and your desire to do the best you can for your child and wish you all the best with this.
I had a very strong attachment to my father , he would take me into our front room wen I was upset and I would sit on his knee . My mother never came in , if I was naughty he would put me on my bed and spank my bare bottom , my mother has never liked me we have a stained relationship , she has never showed me affection or empathy or hugged me , is it because of my dad ?
Hi there, recently I allowed myself to think about the possibility that I was abused in some way as a young child of maybe 6 or 7. The more I thought about it the more other things slipped into place. For e.g. I think it was a teenage boy and I’ve always been and I still am, afraid of teenage boys; I prefer to be by myself than with other people especially groups, but at the same time I crave company…I’m sort of afraid of it and I want it. I have certain memories of being in the top floor of our then very big house with this boy and something not nice happening and my sister leaving the room in distaste just before this thing happened, but she doesn’t recall this at all, although she didn’t discuss it with me when I saw her, even after I brought it up.
I recall sitting in our toilet shredding paper, for what felt like ages, while I wondered why no one came to find me, it was sunny. I think I remember showing this boy my dads porn collection, I suppose I wanted to impress him and it was the most grown up thing I had access to. I know that I actively avoided boys until I was a late teen
/early twenties and that I always thought people would find me disgusting if they really knew me. I remember a teacher at my secondary school worrying that all was not well with me aged 18 and me thinking, well it’s too effing late to worry about me now….without really knowing why it was too late.
I suppose my questions are related to whether it’s ok to say, ‘I’m pretty sure I was abused’, when I really have no clear memory? My partner was surprised when I told him I was wondering if the abuse had been physical and penetrative; he had assumed it was from the start, because of how I am…..which was curious to me. I am pretty much estranged from my immediate family, mother, father, sister, as I find I am treated like the crazy person who found our home life perverse, it was,while they were fine, they’re not. I don’t know where to turn for help. I have a lovely therapist who helps me to focus on me and feeling better rather than delving for what may or may not be in my mind but I feel like I need validation somehow for my feelings. Can you help at all do you think?
Thanks for sharing. We can’t say why your mother has a strained relationship with you as families and our lives are much more complex than we can share over internet comments, and it might take quite some time in therapy to understand what has happened to leave you or your mother with a complicated relationship. But what we can say is that your memories with your father are obviously traumatic for you and have deeply affected you, enough that you are researching on the net. We would suggest you do seek support and someone to talk to about it. These sorts of situations can leave us struggling against hidden shame and confusion, and they are hard to figure out alone. If you can’t afford counselling at this time, look for our piece on low cost counselling which suggests how to find something affordable. We wish you courage!
Reading this article and seeing symptoms of victims to child abuse made me want to share this with you…. I think I was sexually abused as a child but I have very little to no memory from ages 3-9 yrs old. I’m 27 now. A few years ago I was a little drunk, talking to one of my friends and I told her that I thought I’d been molested by my uncle in my grandmothers basement. I don’t know why I said that but I cried and started having visions of walking into the basement. Nothing else. I doubt myself because I was drunk and sometimes your mind can make things up (I’m also an artist with a vivid imagination)… My uncle is very caring and loving but he was also a drug addict and maybe did something when he wasn’t sober but I don’t want to blame anything on anyone because I don’t know for sure. I do have symptoms when having sex… I’ll do it not wanting to, or let someone do things and I’m thinking to say NO but it never comes out if they’ve already started to touch me. Also when I lost my virginity, my first told me that he didn’t think I was a virgin. I questioned him and he couldn’t explain why and I question that a lot as well…. that was 10 years ago…..Today I still think back to that day when I told my friend I thought I was molested but I honestly don’t have any memory, could I have been making it up?
Hi. I’m 37 and I am not sure if I was sexually abused as a child. I know I was constantly smacked and told off, but there is one thing I remember, and I don’t know of that was/is the only thing or if I imagined it. IS there any way of telling if I was, or if it’s in my mind because I think I was, but not necessarily was.Sorry if this sounds too confusing and has always been in the back of my forehand, telling my husband which didn’t go down to well as he wouldn’t let my father look after my children at times.
Looking forward to your advice.
Many thanks
A Confused 37 year old.
This happen when 8 or 9 i dont know if i was sexaully abuse or not but i know i went to sleep at night with my covers were over my whole bodyand i woke up the next day with my covers to my stomach or my waist i cant remember i felt weird and i looked under my covers and my under wear also my pants were not on me they were on the ground i ended up telling my mom that day and she never said anything so i decieded to forget about it and its just coming back to me that this happened and really that night i was sleep i didnt feel anything that would wake me up and i never sleep walked or anything ever in my life to wake up without under wear and pants without remembering i also all ways wear pjs when im sleep can someone plz tell im not crazy???
Hi there Amy, thanks for sharing all this. We can’t validate anything in this context, of comments, we’d have to work long-term with a client and even then validation must come from within, not from someone else, not even a therapist. Your therapist sounds like she is committed to your wellbeing, and she has a point, that the important thing is focussing on what makes you feel you can get by in life. And what matters about abuse is not exactly what did or didn’t happen, but that if you feel you were abused, you get help with the symptoms it has left in your life and find ways to manage despite them. So the question here is, what is it you are after really? Permission to say you were abused? We can all say anything and believe anything we want, that is our right. If you are looking for permission to blame your family, that’s a bit trickier, and worth looking at how that will help you or hinder you before engaging in. Abuse is a very sad, tragic thing that happens to far to many of us. But when it’s happened, we can’t change it. All the anger (even rage_ and vulnerability we feel after being abused has to be processed, and of course we’ll feel angry at many people, but learning how to process our emotions in safe useful ways is generally better than engaging in blame, even if it is deserved. All good stuff to discuss with your therapist.
We can’t tell you if it real or not, we are not able to know that anymore than you, unfortunately, but what we can say is real is that you are obviously suffering. You feel worried, you struggle to set boundaries, and you are hard on yourself, too, possibly showing low self-esteem. While trying to figure out what did or didn’t happen can be maddening, and who wouldn’t like to be able to just know for sure… the truth is that surprisingly high numbers of us just never know. And the other truth is that our energy is better spent looking at how to help and change symptoms. You very wisely can see that acting on a need to blame, even if we feel it inside, isn’t going to really help our daily lives (although it is important to look at in the safe space of a therapy room where blame can be expressed without being destructive). In summary, if this is really bothering you, it’s worth taking seriously. We would actually recommend some sessions with a therapist or counsellor trained in abuse counselling. It’s an investment, yes, but it’s better than spending years torturing yourself over this. A good therapist can help you come to terms to what you feel happened and then can help you learn those boundaries and good self-care so that the future can be more of what you want and less of just a sense of always ‘putting up with things’. Hope that helps.
It’s always super hard to not be certain. We deeply understand that it can be very ‘crazy making’, something we think about non stop, and then there is the way we can stop trusting our own selves. It’s hard. This topic is indeed something we are asked about often. And unfortunately the answer is no, there is no way to know for sure. But our approach is that if you have symptoms of abuse, what is important is that you deal with those. Because the thing is, the brain takes in trauma in ways that don’t align with any sort of facts or logic anyway. This is why two people can experience the same trauma and one has PTSD and the other is fine. If your brain felt there was a threat, and you now suffer symptoms, then for you, there was, and it’s very important to take care of yourself. And in any case, being smacked and constantly told off is its own form of abuse and can cause all sorts of symptoms as an adult. So yes, we’d advise seeking the support of a counsellor or therapist on this one. It’s an investment, but it can put and end to the constant questioning and help you move forward, plus you might find it helps with all sorts of things you didn’t even realise you could see improvement on. As for your husband, oh dear! And yet how wonderful he believes you and cares so much about your family. That’s important, that you have someone close who believes you. We wish you courage with it all!
Nobody is ‘crazy’ for what they remembered or worry happened to them. What’s sad here is regardless of what happened, you have had an experience that was frightening and confusing, but when you reached out from support you were not given any. If as an adult this memory haunts or upsets you, it is worth going to see a counsellor or therapist and talking about it. It’s not about ‘what happened exactly’, as we can make ourselves FEEL crazy trying to remember the past. It’s about not feeling good about something, and suffering stress and anxiety. These are things that need to be dealt with, and if you can’t stop the worry yourself, it’s a good idea to reach out for support.
Here’s the thing….back in kindergarten I remember playing outside in the playground all the time; however, I remember this guy or boy( I can’t tell the difference of age that young) approach me and said his name was Juan( I think he was offered then me…idk) he wanted to play so I played with him…I remember the trees we played behind and the giggles I laughed….but then I don’t remember much after that…it’s a fog. I think he came to play with me a few more times after that but I can’t remember because it’s hard to differentiate days. But after some time I never saw him again. Then I adopted this behavior very peculiar for kids to do. I thought of it as a game but I would then take advantage of the other kids around me…making them feel smaller then me…even tried to “play” with them like Juan did with me. I felt very guilty playing like that with them…like I was abusing them as I was. I even used my stuffed animals as a child to abuse each other…every time I played with stuffed animals I’d have a “snake” insert himself into them and it would be totally against their will and it’d torment them…neglect and physically abuse them. I feel very uncomfortable sharing this but it’s kinda anonymous so f*** it. I’ve always been scared to step out of my house and I feel very uncomfortable with men. When it comes to sex…. well I tend to bury myself in it…let boys do what they want when I’m feeling down and stressed..saying f*** it and letting them use me. I suffer from an anxiety disorder, I have major anger issues, and I’ve abused alcohol and marijuana. I’m very interested in sex like I can’t stop. I think I’ve been sexually abused as a young child but I’m not so certain because my memory is not all there. I’ve kinda told my mom about this and she thinks I’m making it all up in my head but I don’t think I am….all these unusual effects I’ve been through growing up afterwards couldn’t be because of nothing….Right?
We are really sorry to hear that you were brave enough to reach out for support have been told it’s ‘all in your head’. It’s so hard, trying to sort out what happened, and we can drive ourselves crazy with it, but what matters is symptoms. You are suffering. There is low self-esteem in here, you are struggling to take care of yourself and set boundaries with others. It would be a very good idea to reach out for support with this, professional support. A counsellor or therapist WILL take you seriously. They know how to ask the right questions to help what needs to come out come out, whether that is a memory or just repressed emotional pain that is holding you back.You are young, it seems, and if your mother has said you are making it up that sounds like she is not going to help you find support. If you are at university or college yet, there might be free or very low-cost counselling on campus. Otherwise, there is the option of the school counsellor which, however, can seem intimidating. We aren’t sure if you are in the UK or in the USA. In the UK, there are charities and free support groups, this is a good resource https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/sexual-abuse. Hope this helps!
I am 17 years old and have been struggling with severe anxiety and depression. It all started when I was 8, after sleeping over at my uncles house that was about an hour away. My mom has said when I came home I was never the same as I used to be. I began having severe separation anxiety and insomnia. As I got older my anxiety has gotten worse, and I often get panic attacks. I have very low self esteem, and have dealt with an eating disorder in the past. I can’t help but think something happened while I stayed there. I remember falling asleep on the bed in the guest rom and waking up on the couch in the middle of the night, having no idea when I got there. Then in the morning I woke up in the bedroom. I have had a boyfriend for 2 years, and he loves me very much. We have fooled around like teenagers do, but never had sex. Whenever we are messing around and he touches my boobs or butt I get very angry and I don’t know why. Or sometimes when we are on the middle of doing something I get upset for no reason, it’s not like I don’t want to, the feelings just come out of no where. The idea of sex doesn’t sound pleasing to me at all, and I actually sometimes think I would be ok without ever doing it. Is it a possibility something happened that night I don’t remember? Or am I just thinking it over too much.
Thank you for your honest and brave sharing. What we’d say here is that it is obvious that you are struggling with very real issues. You have low self-esteem, panic attacks, eating issues, and repressed anger. So regardless of what happened that night, those symptoms are a lot for one person to deal with and you need help. Is there any way you could find professional support with all this? As you are only 17, it would require a parent being on board with helping you find a counsellor. There might alternately be a counsellor at school, which you could look into, but you would need to feel comfortable talking to them. Otherwise, if you are at college yet, most colleges have very low cost counsellors for their students and it’s confidential. We’d also say that if it ever gets too much, there are free hotlines you can call, some geared just to teens, with trained listeners on the other end (the Good Samaritans, for example, works in both the UK and the USA). Now. As for those memories. It’s as impossible for us to say as much as you, we’re afraid. You might find in therapy that clear memories come out, you might find that the symptoms even come from another buried experience, you might find that you never learn the exact details of what has caused your symptoms or what happened that night. It is frustrating for many of us to not be able to know exactly what happened in our past, but it’s sadly the nature of the human brain to often block out or rewrite things that it finds too difficult. On a good note, we can tell you that your symptoms are highly treatable, and a good counsellor or psychotherapist could help you manage them and feel more confident. One final thing – it’s okay to not want to do something physically with someone and always say no. You are only 17, and it’s important to listen to your feelings on this front It’s your body, and there is no rule or timeline to anything, beyond what feels right for you. And if at this point you can’t imagine sex at all, that’s ok. Hope that helps.
I was abused by boys in high school and groomed and trafficked. My first bf raped me when I came out of hospital after having abortion he told me to get. I remember when about 7 going in the bathroom and someone in the bath telling me to do stuff to him in think was my dad but I’m not 100 percent sure and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Hi start from last I was raped 4 years ago which resulted in my son.
I was groomed and trafficked when 21.
My first proper bf at 21 raped me the day I came out of hospital after having abortion he told me to get. And then started the grooming.
Boys in high school would be doing things I always said no but they never listened.
When was 7 I walked into the bathroom when he was in the bath and told to do things I think was my dad but in doubting myself alot.
I do self harm and wanting to kill myself and I am on anti depressants but not taken for 2 or 3 weeks.
The First memory I remember ever having was of me being molested by two of my cousins which were both girls and older than me. From that point I don’t remember much of my childhood but I do remember a few little snippets of being molested here and there but I do know for a fact that it went on for years and years and years. They would mentally abuse me and make me feel left out all the time and the only way I could feel accepted was if I did these things with them and after a while I started to feel like this was normal and this was my way of fitting in. At the time I didn’t know I was being sexually or mentally abused so I accepted the fact that life was going to be that way. Eventually my mom and sometimes even my aunt would catch us doing these things and tell us how bad it was but never did they take real actions to make It stop. My mom would still let me stay the night and the molesting would happen again and again and again. So, naturally I thought it was okay because my mom wasn’t helping or making it stop completely. My mom wouldn’t even talk to me really about it . She would just make me feel like I was dirty and shun me for pretty much all my life. So I took comfort in being molested and used that as my place of “belonging.” My mom would also make me feel like it was my fault and that I was a sinner (given we were Christian. Which I forgot to mention lol) So pretty much all my life till about the time i turned 18 (which was this year 2017) I realized that I was molested and that it wasn’t my fault. All on my own I was able to see the bigger picture and realize that it was in fact NOT my fault
And that the dread and shame and guilt I have been feeling all my life was because of
This trauma. Unfortunately, Due to the fact that I am barely realizing that I was molested, I have a ton of issues I need to deal with. I am uncomfortable with sex and I can’t get turned on by a man. I am socially detached and don’t know how To cope with these issues because I worked so hard looking for forgiveness and acceptance that i Barely gave myself time to realize that I was molested and that it wasn’t me who was the issue. At this point though I have become very numb and find it hard to cry over the situation because i just don’t know how to deal with it like at all. I mean, I do cry occasionally but I feel like it’s all useless. Like I’m
Not being heard. So I just shut it away and try to live life . I’m lost honestly and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried suicide before but since I grew up with a fervent Christian background, I’m scared I’m going to go to hell if I killed my self. So believe me when I say, if I were atheist I would’nt be here to tell this story. The fact that I might go to hell, If there is a hell, scares me and so i can’t kill myself. Like I said though, I’m just numb.
We’re sorry you’ve had such a tough time. If you haven’t already had the support of a therapist or counsellor, we’d highly recommend you seek support. The fallout of sexual abuse is hard for anyone to navigate alone. If you don’t have the budget look for a free support group in your area for those who have experienced abuse, or see if there is low cost counselling nearby. Hope that helps.
Hi, so does sound like you’ve spoken to someone then, but we hope that it wasn’t a case of just putting you on medication without support. If so, gather up your courage and go elsewhere. You need sustained support from a counsellor or therapist you can trust. And if you are in the USA or UK and have a crisis, the Good Samaritans operates free hotlines in both countries.
Thank you for sharing all this. You are incredibly self aware for someone who is only 18, and it’s wonderful you can realise this is not your fault and that you need support. What we hear here is that it’s not only the abuse which is hard, but that you feel completely unsupported and indeed betrayed by your own mother. These are all very big, very serious issues that might take some time to sort out. But they are issues that therapy is proven to help with, so there is a lot of hope you can work through all this and feel better in the future. The numbness is to be expected after going through all this, as would be the sexual confusion, but you are 18, so even if you had no trauma it’s actually normal to be uncomfortable with sex. So try not to worry about things like that right now and use what energy you can muster to seek support. Of course asking your mother would not be helpful it seems, she’d likely recommend going to see someone in the church which won’t help but could make things worse, so see what you can find outside of such circles. The counsellor at school might be able to help you find someone, or, if you are at college yet, most colleges and universities now provide low-cost counselling for students. If you are in crisis again, call a hotline. If you are in the UK there is Childline for young people, but we don’t know the USA versions. We do know that the Good Samaritans offers free support there so that’s a start.
I’m a girl, and I just recently turned 18. A little more than a year ago, when I was 16, I started having dreams that there was someone on top of me, someone in my bed, or someone choking me. I would wake up from these dreams terrified and crying, and I lost a lot of sleep. Soon after the dreams started, memories from my childhood that I’d forgotten surged back like a tidal wave. I remembered as a child around age six I did things that were provocative, even explicit, and I wondered where I learned them. I was definitely overly sexual for my age and very flirtatious from a young age. These memories caused me a lot of stress and I started to wonder if I’d been abused. My parents would have very loud sex nearly every night, and I’d be exposed to this against my will. That’s the only sexual thing that I can remember that made me uncomfortable though, and I don’t even think it counts as abuse. I know that they emotionally abused me, and that’s what caused me to brush off the idea of sexual abuse. I figured all my symptoms were because of that until the memories came back.
At age seventeen I started dating my first ever boyfriend (before that I was very scared of guys and thought maybe I was gay because of this fear). After a few months, things started to get more sexual between us, and I realized once again that I had some issues with sexuality. We never had penetrative sex, but during other activities I noticed that I would dissociate out of intense fear. I would often let him do whatever he wanted or do whatever he wanted me to do, even if I didn’t really want to. If he asked, even sometimes when he wouldn’t ask and would just start touching me, I’d let him because I figured that’s just what I was supposed to do. I sort of objectified myself and said “I’m his girlfriend; he’s allowed to touch me however he wants, whenever he wants”, even though I know this isn’t true. After our first sexual encounter, I actually went home and cried because first of all, he didn’t really ask me if he could do it, secondly it sort of hurt, and thirdly I felt extremely guilty. But I didn’t feel like I was entitled to those feelings and I guess that’s why I’m writing this. I can’t remember any actual abuse, but I remember my behavior as a kid (and now in sexual situations) reflecting warning signs of abuse.
I am 16 and feel as if I was molested around age 7-10. I hardly remember anything from my childhood up until age 10, but I have this memory of my uncle playing with me and tickling my thighs. I don’t remember if he touched my crotch or not but I feel as if he did. Now, whenever anyone tries to tickle me or touch my legs I get extremely uncomfortable and angry. I remember him touching my butt and back of my thighs a few times. During the ages 7-10 I would grab/touch my crotch all the time and remember feeling uncomfortable around him all the time.Now, I get uncomfortable when around him and avoid being alone with him or being close to him as much as I can.I don’t know if i’m just making these memories up or if if this really happened??
Around age six I think I was sexually abused. I have recurring nightmares of someone being in my bed next to me or on top of me, ripping the covers off. They laugh at me as they molest me and I always wake up feeling disgusting and used, usually in tears or heart racing. I also have another recurring nightmare of running through my grandfather’s house, terrified. I think it happened around age six because of the personality flip I had. I started to hurt myself intentionally out of anger (scratching/skin picking and eventually cutting). I also had sleep problems/fear of the dark. Until recently I could never see a face in my nightmares, but now I’ve had dreams where it was my grandfather (not blood related, but my father’s stepdad)… I’ve noticed that my memories surrounding him are also very foggy. I was at his house almost every weekend at that age, but I only have a handful of memories of him. I do remember that we used to do push-ups together, it was our thing, just he and I. I only remember doing push-ups one or two times though. All the other times we were just sort of alone and I can’t remember what we were doing. I also remember that he was really nice to me and I was very fond of him until I got a little older. I stopped wanting to do push-ups with him and he started to treat me less specially. At age 11 my family moved in with him and my grandma for a few months when we were trying to buy our own house and I felt so uncomfortable around him. I felt unsafe just sitting on the couch with him and would avoid/hide from him… And when he got kicked out for hitting my grandma (and then went to jail for drug charges) I felt happy. I was glad he was gone and I felt safe.
Now as a young adult (18) I realize that I have some issues, but because of my memory I can’t tell if it’s sexual abuse related. I broke up with my first boyfriend about a month ago because every time we were intimate I’d just zone out or even start to feel this numb sadness. I’d feel dirty and used, even though I knew he was a caring guy who loved me and wanted nothing but to please me. The first time he and I did something sexual together I went home and cried and I was deeply depressed for a couple days after. I even had a panic attack when he tried to tickle me once… I noticed that I wouldn’t tell him to stop when I wanted him to and that was a problem. It’s like I don’t know how to say no. If I find out someone wants me I will most likely say yes. He was my first boyfriend because he was honestly the first person to ask. I didn’t even like him that much, but he said he loved me so I had sex with him, mostly because I felt like I was supposed to… I’m afraid of that becoming a pattern and it’s why I know I need to heal somehow. But how do I heal when I’m only 99% sure something happened? Until I find that 1% I’m going to doubt anything ever happened at all and I hate that.
Thank you so much for all this brave sharing. Yes, it can be completely maddening to not know. We can drive ourselves crazy with trying to know. But until they invent a time machine, we just can’t. And spending all our energy trying to know exactly what happened actually backfires, as it takes away the energy we could be using to instead reach out and seek support. Because the truth regardless of what did or didn’t happen, you are having many issues that are really holding you back and leaving you unhappy. Knowing exactly what happened won’t change that, only seeking support and dealing with it will. And believe it or not, you can heal without knowing what happened exactly. We would highly recommend, if you can, seeking some support. If you are student your high school or counsellor should have a counsellor you can talk to. As for zoning out with all sexual experiences, it is a sign of sexual abuse. But it’s also a sign that you simply, as you say, don’t want to but still do. We hear this from so many young people today, and we do feel it’s also due to the tremendous pressure placed on young people today to be sexually active. Intimacy is a big thing. Some people just aren’t ready until their 20s. We have articles on here about boundaries and saying no, do give them a read if you have a chance. Anyway. We do hope you find some support. You deserve it, and you’d be surprised at how useful it can be to talk this over with someone trained to help you deal with it.
As you’ll see in the other comments, sadly, when trauma happens, we all tend to have spotty memories. We just can never know exactly what happened unless we had time machines. Even a professional hypnotherapist will not help someone go back and find abuse memories, as the mind is unreliable when trauma has happened. And then fear comes into play as well, how can we remember what happened if it will upset others close to us, etcetera. It’s very normal to go crazy with desire to want to know, and that’s okay. But ultimately we can’t let that stop us from accepting we have issues and symptoms and upset that need our attention and care. We can’t let obsessing over the details stop us from dealing with the symptom and seeking support. If this is really bothering you, and it’s causing you problems in certain areas of your life, then do seek support. At 16 it can be hard. Your school will have a counsellor, but you’d need to feel safe talking to them. If you ever feel really upset, and live in the UK, there is a great free hotline, Childline, where you can talk to someone. Otherwise the Good Samaritans run free hotlines in the US (by text) and UK (by phone).
Thank you for all this kind sharing. It does sound like you have all the symptoms of someone who experienced abuse. You might want to also read our article on the new definition of sexual abuse. If your parents had loud sex and knew you could hear, that is quite borderline and could be seen as abusive. It could definitely leave someone with a lot of issues around sex. The thing is, as you’ll see in other comments, until time machines are invented many of us just have to accept we’ll never know what happened exactly. But what we do know is that we have real issues. That we are suffering. That something isn’t right. That we let others take advantage of us in ways that leave us feeling truly awful afterwards, and that we have anxiety. And the best thing you can do is to take these symptoms seriously, and look at reaching out for support. You could really benefit from talking to a trained professional and processing in a safe space these feelings of anxiety, stress, and low self-esteem. Is there free counselling at your high school or university? Is there a support group for teens anywhere nearby? Read our article on finding low cost counselling as well, it might give you some ideas. If you ever feel really lost, do get in touch with the Good Samaritans, who provide free hotlines in both the UK and USA. We hope you find the support you need, and that you take yourself seriously, you deserve to feel better!
A family member was emotionally abusive for 15 years of my life. When I super young (can’t rememver ages) everytime he would get mad he’d pull my pants down and spank me a lot of times. That went on until I was 13 (I think, I can’t really remember that either) and I always have this flashback to one day when he was in my room and all the lights were off and he whispered something and I felt terrified and that’s all I remememver. Every time I get scared in the dark. He also used to lock me in my room with the lights off knowing I was too terrified to go turn them back on. I also was inserting things into me when I was only 10, and I’m not sure where I got that idea. Was addicted to matrubating at 10 and never stopped being addicted. I have fantasies about rape/child sexual abuse and I think that’s so sick but they won’t stop. I don’t want to have sex because I hate myself. I have BPD and Social Anxiety along wit paranoia and Generalized anxiety disorder. The family member also used to pop pills and drink so if something happened he probably wouldn’t remember it either. I really don’t remember my life before I was 15 and it’s scary. I remember my teachers and Classmates but that’s basically it. Do you think it’s worth bringing up to my therapist?
I was watching a film where two boys were raped by the same man, one remembers but the other forgets. It was during that film I broke down in tears believing I was probably raped as a child but forgotten.
I have suffered from severe depression since I was six years old. A lot of it was because of my teacher, he was very emotionally abusive to me. That I remember. I seem to have a strange memory of him being with me in the girl’s toilet cubicle. Although, I’m unsure if this even happened.
During a therapy session I had last year I wanted to tell my counsellor what I believed could have happened. But I had a panic attack. I just couldn’t say anything. I was terrified of even saying it’s a possibility. I later ran to the toilet to vomit.
Now I’m 21 years old. I don’t trust men. I don’t understand why. I have never had a boyfriend. I’ve never had sex. I’m terrified of the thought of doing it and I wish I understood it. I’m 100% heterosexual and I’m attracted to men emotionally and sexually.
The way I feel is affecting my life in the most depressing ways. Not knowing what happened and the confusion of why I feel this way is destroying me.
I came to this article because I saw a video on Facebook about Disassociation in children. The comments on there led to my google search of something, and then I came here and read this article. I’m a 24 year old female and I suffere from so many of the things listed above. I’ve only recently come to accept very few things that (I can remember) happened in my childhood. When I have flashbacks, or memories, I force them back down and think of something happy. These memories come in waves. Sometimes once a day, sometimes once a year. I can’t, and never will tell anyone, until now. When I was about 7, I was forced to do ‘acts’ on someone a little bit older than me. I didn’t know why or what I was doing, but I did it because they wanted me too. And now when I think about it, I feel disgusting and shameful. I also remember having a very high sex drive, before then, and after then. I thought it was normal. I started masterbating when I was 6 years old, I can remember the first time I touched myself. And I’ve never told anyone. I couldn’t bare for my mother to think I was a freak, I still can’t. I first had sex with my boyfriend at 16, and I haven’t been without since. I thought I was addicted, but sometimes I do get an overwhelming feeling of guilt for no reason. I thought all of this was in my head, until I came across this article. Maybe I do need therapy, maybe I’ll keep shoving all of these feelings deep down. but this article sheds light on something I didn’t think was real, so thank you all for that.
Thank you Jane, for taking the time to share all this. And we are really glad it helped. We do hope you consider therapy, as we do know the great difference it can make on these fronts. If you do decide to take the plunge, look at our articles on how to find a therapist so you find someone you can trust and who can help you see real differences. We wish you courage!
Hi im not sure if this is abuse or not and if it is whether it is neglect or falls into any other category. Its going to be really hard to write out but i needed to know what it is or if im just over reacting before i look into counselling. I started my periods when i was 11 i told my mum. She came into my room with a pack of towels and told me i can have these but then i need to buy my own. She would quite often refuse to give pocket money and i was to young to have a job i would tell her i needed towels but she would smile and tell me it wasnt her problem and i should have thought of that before. I remember taking money from her purse to get some and she threatened to report me to the police. I used one of hers once from a new pack went to replace them and she got home before i got back and she got really angry at me so i ended up giving her my pack and having to use toilet roll again. This went on til i was 13 and got a paper round. I was also self harming and taking tableta trying to kill myself and my mum knew and never did anything apart from getting rid of the empty boxes.
Hello, I have very early childhood memories, however I loose the memories from 3 until about 10 . I have not idea what happen during that time. I have always since I can remember being extremely interested in sex I also knew how to satisfy myself early in life. I have always felt as if I was touched as a child. I once asked my mother if I was sexually abused she said no. I never felt comfortable around men when I was younger. I was sexually assaulted when I was 13 and did not even realize it was wrong until much later. I was very sexually active and very numb to the emotional connection. I thought I was crazy for feeling like something happened but my gut tells me otherwise. I am not sure how a 10 year know so much about sex without being told about it. I have anxiety and depression and have had it for 30 yrs however I self medicated with alcohol. Until I had a light bulb moment and decided to stop drinking and start medication and self evaluate.. I realized I am not crazy, I am not a victim I AM A SURVIVOR.
Gosh Ash, this is some powerful and brave sharing, thank you. It’s wonderful to hear you are in therapy. But on the other hand, what has stopped you bringing this up with your therapist? Is there a trust issue with your therapist? It’s all very useful stuff. Please don’t judge yourself over the fantasies, they are actually a normal side effect of abuse. We would recommend that you look at our other article on updated definitions of abuse. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-child-sexual-abuse-why-your-definition-might-need-updating.htm.
Spanking with pants down alone is enough to give you abuse-like symptoms. How long have you worked with your therapist? Do you feel you trust him or her, or could grow to? As a good therapist-client relationship should involve feeling you can be yourself and share anything. If you don’t feel that you can, then perhaps discuss your trust issues with him or her and see what happens between you. We hope that helps. Thanks again for the brave sharing, and we wish you courage.
Jade, thank you for this courageous sharing. And how wonderful you have found some support in your life in the form of counselling. First of all, let’s take a little bit of the stress off here. There is absolutely nothing wrong or strange with being terrified of sex and not wanting to have it or not having had it at 21. We get so many comments and messages like this, and it makes us really sad that so many young women feel pressured to fit some norm where you are supposed to have and enjoy sex by some very young age. It’s all created by the media. Many women don’t feel comfortable with sex until later, many people don’t have sex until later, and it’s your body and your timeline. Try not to compare yourself to others and to listen to and respect what you feel on this. 21 is actually very young. There is no rush. Moving on to the rest…. it sounds like you have had some childhood trauma. Trauma is hard to process. It’s okay to have a panic attack trying with your counsellor. What might be helpful here is to talk just about the panic. Talk with your counsellor just about the fact that you feel sheer panic thinking about things and wanting to talk about them, and ask to just explore the panic for now. And also, it’s important to work with a therapist you can trust. When we have issues, this can take time, so again, if that feels hard, talk about that. Tell your therapist you find it hard to trust him or her and see what you can explore there. In summary, trauma is hard, it can leave us terrified of intimacy. But you are on the right track, seeking therapy. give yourself time to work through it, it’s a process. It doesn’t need to come out all in one day. Work at raising your self-compassion and self-esteem, and let things unfold in a way your mind and spirit can handle. Things will improve. We wish your courage!
Gosh we are sorry to hear this was your experience Lisa. How difficult it must have been for you. This must have left you feeling so horribly ashamed and abandoned right at a time you needed to be reassured and supported. This would fall under neglect and mental/emotional abuse. And it might be in therapy there are many other ways your mother punished and mentally tortured you, but this is the one you remember the most as it left you the most ashamed because she shamed you over your very body. It would affect your sense of worth very deeply, which can lead to the self harm, and also cause trust issues, where you have deep rooted beliefs that people will hurt you if you love them or reach out to them. We are very, very glad you are considering counselling. A good counsellor will create a very space for you to express all the grief you must feel over this, as well as learn how to trust others and value yourself again. You are valuable, and you can start to feel better, so do please find that support. We wish you courage!
You are, Kirsten. And thank you for sharing. And being sexually assaulted at 13 is itself hugely damaging. Despite how modern society pushes young teens to be adults, at 13 we are still really children, very vulnerable. We deserve care and protection, not assault, or to feel that we ‘have to’ be sexual. It’s great to hear you are trying medication, are you also being supported? Medication pauses the symptoms, anxiety and depression, and is wonderful for helping us cope, but to change the roots of the problem talk therapy is recommended. In the USA, sadly, doctors just put people on medication and leave them to it, which is very hard for us to hear about, as we know that a good therapist can create a safe space for those who have experienced abuse to process their hurt, pain and rage, rebuild their self-esteem, and learn to trust again – all things medication alone can not provide. Thanks again for sharing, and we wish you courage!
I have always felt that I was probably sexually abused. I have little to no memory of my childhood. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. From ages 6 onward, I knew how to satisfy myself, and would do so by rubbing myself an any furniture around the house. I had to do it in secret and I didn’t know why. My parents would tell me it was very bad if they caught me but never explain why. I grew up in an extremely Christian household and sex was never discussed let alone allowed to be a topic. I remember always holding my crotch at night or during nap time, and not knowing why I felt like I needed to. I was spanked with a belt by my father numerous times. My church has had 3 major sex abuse of minors scandals, all of the men and young girls involved being my friends and the same timeframe I was a kid at that church. I remember once going across the street to our pastors mothers house who was our neighbor. I was about 12. I remember my parents saying the pastor wanted to talk to me and I walked over there by myself. I don’t remember anything after that except feeling really guilty or strange. I remember feeling very crazy and sexual overdrive. Also high sex drove. I’ve been wanting to ask my parents if I was abused but I already feel they would so no, and also think I’m making everything up. I don’t know, maybe I am making everything up. I just feel that satisfying oneselve starting at age 6 is not normal, how would I have known how to rub myself on furniture? And why always protecting my crotch when sleeping? I’ll never get a straight answer I’m sure from my parents and even if I could, they play not have even known themselves….I see a therapist every other week for anxiety and panic attacks, and I take medication. I’m 35 years old and finally willing to deal with all of this.
When I was little, maybe 6-7, my family would go camping with some family friends who had a son three years older than me. We would play ‘the game’ with my sister who was a year older also. The game was just him touching us or exposing himself to us but I was curious at that age and I feel like it’s not valid abuse because I didn’t say no. My sister could feel abused also, but I don’t feel comfortable talking to her about it because if she doesn’t remember I’ll feel even less valid. In another instance I was with a female friend and we watched a film with erotic scenes in it, and we were touching eachother under the covers. She also showed me her eczema cream which she put on her vulva, and told me she masturbated with a banana. I would have been 6-7, but I don’t remember protesting to this happening and feel invalid in the trauma. I still know and am close with both of these people today and I don’t know how to handle this.
I do have very poor memory in general especially my childhood and have self harmed aged 15(ish) for about a year after my auntie died. I’m 17 now, and I feel like I’m starting to get ‘bad’ again and my mum has asked me if I wanted to see a therapist (Ive been to one before but didn’t talk much so I stopped going) and I think I do this time but it’s hard to tell her, I feel like it would hurt her to understand what I did when I was younger, can I have a second opinion?
Heidi, thank you so much for this brave honest sharing. It’s very hard when abuse is linked to the Church or other forms of authority, and it’s deeply sad when power is abused in such ways, we are sorry to hear about it all. We are so glad to hear you are getting the support you need on this. We do hope this is something you feel comfortable discussing with your therapist.
Lucy, thank you for this honest sharing. Your mum sounds like she really cares about you, asking if you wanted to see a therapist. It’s hard for us to hear that your last therapist wasn’t a good fit. It can take time to find someone we feel comfortable with, and quite a few sessions are needed for the trust to develop, but when it does start to work, it is incredibly helpful. Would you consider trying again? If your mother is worried and concerned enough to suggest therapy for you, then one would imagine she would be more concerned you are ok then hurt by your childhood experiences, but we are simply unable to say as we don’t know her or you and how you communicate. What we do know, reading this comment, is that you are unhappy, you are suffering, and whether that comes from just these experiences or is more complex and involves other things, this is more than enough to make therapy a good idea. If you are not comfortable talking to your mother about your experiences (and many, many clients find sharing their past trauma with parents incredibly difficult), would it be an idea to get comfortable with your therapist first, share this with a therapist and work it through in the therapy room, and share with your mother if/when in the future that feels comfortable for you? The important thing here is to work on getting the support you need to feel better. We wish you courage!
Hello all. I was researching this topic and came upon this thread after so many years. Where do I begin? I have some memories of being abused as a child, but they’re not very clear so I don’t know what to make of them. I remember being sexually stimulated and having a hand over my mouth to keep me from making noise. But I’m not sure if this is even a real memory or something I may have dreamed up. From a very young age I remember being very sexually aware. I knew what oral sex was even before kindergarten. But I don’t know how I knew, I just did. As a small child I would constantly try to rub up on different objects, pillows, furniture, etc to stimulate my private area. Aside from that, I have no real memories before age 13. Everything is kind of a haze. I have a handful of memories but it’s almost as if the first 13 years of my life were completely wiped from my memory hard drive. I got into porn at around age 14 and I remember the first two times I masterbated and orgasmed, this intense feeling of “Ive felt this before” washed over me. It was not a good feeling at all. I had had an orgasm before. I could not remember from where or when, but I knew I had. It was a completely surreal and scary feeling. My late teens and early twenties I was incredibly promiscuous and loose. I would put myself in sexual situations with men even when I didn’t necessarily want sex. But I did crave sexual attention. There were things that I did that I didn’t even want. I could never say no. And even the few times where I did say no or tried to stop it, I wasn’t very adamant about it and he’d always get his way with me in the end. Sex is not very pleasurable for me. It’s almost like I feel numb with penetration. The only way I can achieve orgasm is through manual stimulation or oral. I was never able to achieve orgasm with another person until I married and had sex with my husband. It was always about pleasing the other person before I got married. Never pleasing myself. There are other things. I can’t stand water on my face. I remember even when I was in my early twenties, showering was difficult because I’d never allow my face to get wet. My whole life I’ve always gotten bruises without knowing where they came from. I startle very easily. Any noise makes me jump. I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety but haven’t been on meds for years. In that aspect I feel I’m ok and coping well. Sometimes I get overwhelmingly sad because I’m my heart I know something happened, I just cant remember what or by whom. But I can usually get over that sadness until the next wave hits me. Another thing I’ve never been able to explain is throughout my lifetime, there have been a few moments where a sudden wave of uneasiness, homesickness, uncomfortableness hits me out of nowhere. Even when at home. It’s like a warm feeling in my body, but it’s incredibly uncomfortable and gives me great anxiety and almost a feeling of desperation. I haven’t been able to pinpoint exactly what sets off these episodes seeing as it’s been almost my whole life and different places, times, settings, ages, etc. Just something weird.
Hey I wanted to ask about a memory I have. The thing is I’m not even sure it is a memory, I was listening to dramatic music at the time (when I thought I saw this) and a sort of image appeared in front of me, I laughed it off initially but then I started to panic about wether it be real. As my mind began spiralling with fear a voice in the back of my head said, ‘this isn’t true’. I do suffer really badly from OCD and I’m known to overthink everything, so I’m not sure as to if this ever happened. All I can say is that it involved my father and it has been seriously bothering me. However my father has never showed any signs of being abusive, and I remember being bathed by him when I was young, and he never touched me sexually or in a threatening way. I used to go on walks with my dad and we’d go fishing, shooting in the forest, he’d build dams with me across rivers, and he’d make swings from trees for me. He has always been a kind and loving dad, and has never hurt me. This is why this violent image of a man I saw seems completely out of place on my timeline of childhood, i was never ill as a child, and I was happy for the most part. Also the place this ‘memory’ took place in is pretty public and there are CCTV cameras there so I really don’t understand how it could’ve happened. In the summer I gave my friend a blowjob and I didn’t get any kind of negative reaction to that, which people with childhood trauma talk about. I Also don’t struggle with kissing, and intimacy doesn’t weird me out .I did ask my parents about this image, just like I’ve asked them if I have cancer, illnesses, and various other things my OCD dwells on, and they were really concerned and just said it wasn’t true. My dad, (the supposed rapist) said that it wasn’t real and that I could get some medical and mental help if I wanted help dealing with thoughts like these. Surely a rapist wouldn’t want you to talk about it with people of power. I love my dad so much and he’s always been an amazing father, so to have to confront him about this has been horrible. The only reason I started panicking was when I turned to the internet and read about repressed memories. I understand that these are very real but I don’t have any of the symptoms of being abused. I became so paranoid that this was a flashback and in a way it was but I’m not sure it’s accurate. Besides it has been a year since I first started panicking about this and I haven’t experienced any other ‘flashbacks’. On the contrary I had a ‘positive flashback’, which sounds odd and hard to explain, but it was just a sense of happiness which came flooding back from my childhood. I feel deep down in my heart that this isn’t real, however I am very prone to panicking. what are your opinions on this situation?
Its strange to find myself looking this up on the internet but the last couple of years I’ve been giving more and more thoughts about myself as a person, I’ve always felt distanced from others but can’t put my finger on what caused me to be like this.
I had from what I can remember a normal childhood, didn’t have any significant traumatic experiences from what I can actually recall. I grew up in the 80s and like many kids growing up in that time period I was spanked but so was other kids, so I can’t think it was necessarily that.
All I know as an adult I feel like there’s something mentally wrong with me like I have these permanent walls put up, I dont know why but I can’t be close to people, the idea of hugging someone makes me feel uncomfortable but again I dont know why, I attach normal things like hugging, or tickling or even holding my child and bouncing her on my lap like its a sexual thing, when I do it, I immediately look around wondering if people are looking at me as if I’m doing something wrong or something I shouldn’t be doing even though it could me the most normal of things.
I struggle trusting anyone, feelijng that eventually they are going to let me down, doesn’t matter if its my wife, my parents, friends, I have difficulty letting anyone in. Sexual encounters I can have lustful thoughts but after finishing I have a sense of being ashamed with what I did. I’ve been told that having sex I perform almost methodically or robotic not putting any real sense of emotional attachment into it, again afterwards feeling ashamed like I need to leave right away from it.
I worry too much what people think of me, constantly thinking that people are speaking about me behind my back, I’m too willing to please, always wanting to make people happy and overly apologetic even if the fault isn’t my own. I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me, I feel disconnected with the world, with friends, with family, I can avoid hanging out with friends if invited out as I feel I can’t offer anything of interest to a group of people, feeling frequently that I bring so little to the table and often feeling intimidated by others primarily with other men feeling almost inferior to them.
My dating history I’ve seemed to attract verbally or emotionally abusive individuals where I’ve been constantly berated or treated poorly, never wanting to end the relationship because I didn’t want to be alone, relationships that have ended I’ve begged for second chances and slipped into depression where I’ve stayed alone in my apt choosing not to go out and get my mind off of things, instead opting to wrap myself in my depression like a blanket and cut people further out my life.
If I anger and yell at someone, I begin to well up and cry, like I can’t control which emotions I’m expressing at the moment. Now the problem is that I don’t know why I’m like this, I have had homosexual relatives in my life growing up, uncles but it wouldn’t be fair for me to think that because of that I have blocked away memories of things being done to me, but something must have happened to me when I was younger to be acting like this? the fact that hugging someone or normal things I have to put a sexual spin on it or feel ashamed by it leads me to think that there must be more rooted things in my head that I’ve either forgot or buried away
I just want some answers or atleast a direction to where I should be looking, I dont think I could likely reach out to family and be told oh well we didn’t want to tell you this, for all they know I’ve just always been like this a distanced child growing up to be an even more distanced adult
Aaron, thank you for all this brave sharing. As you’ll notice in a lot of other comments, the natural tendency is to focus on ‘what happened to me’. Unfortunately, until a time machine is created, we simply cannot know. And the best thing we can possibly do when we are suffering (and obviously, you are suffering here) is to do whatever we can to shift our focus from ‘what happened’ to ‘what can I do to help myself manage’. Because while the facts of what happened in our childhoods can be questioned, our suffering can’t. And even if we did know, it wouldn’t change the suffering and the symptoms. The only thing that can change that will be a deep willingness to say this is enough, I deserve to feel better, and then to reach out and seek support to start to move forward. It does sound like some sort of trauma has happened, and it could be one of many things, including lack of attachment or an experience that even if your adult brain sees as non-traumatic your unique child brain processed as trauma. We become the adults we are because of a strange collision of the personality we are born with and our unique reactions to the experiences and traumas we faced. You might discover all sorts of things in the process of therapy, both bad but also good. But yes, we would highly suggest counselling or therapy here, not because we are a therapy site, but because navigating trauma and it’s results alone is a hard road made much longer than if done with support. And it’s an idea to talk to a counsellor or therapist and feel stronger within yourself and discuss with your therapist when and if talking to your family helps – otherwise, if we do that from a space of feeling vulnerable, it can push us to places of pain and rejection. We wish you courage!
Hi. I’m 17, and for the past year the worry that I was abused as a kid has been stuck in my brain. My Dad was arrested when I was almost 7 for inciting child abuse, although he did not abuse children himself. He was basically the ring leader of a massive online community for paedophiles. I only have one memory of him. I remember falling asleep in my bed, but waking up downstairs, curled up on the sofa. It was very dark (it must have been late as my Mum had gone to bed). I leave the lounge into the office in order to go back to my room and my Dad is sat at the computer. Only recently have I remembered this and realised he was probably committing his crime at that point. I dont know whether that memory has any relevance. Even when he was arrested, the only thing I remember about that day was my Mum crying at the dining table surrounded by police officers.
I have a lot of the symptoms above. Like I said before the age of about 7 I have one memory. I’ve always been a quiet kid. My Mum says I was very sad when Dad was arrested but I don’t remember how I reacted to it. I do remember as a child having habits the other kids didnt have. I remember asking a boy I used to play out with to hit my bare bottom with a cricket bat. I liked to be the victim if we ever played in stories and although I didn’t masturbate as a very young child I liked to be hurt e.g. wedgies. Nowadays I am a very submissive person. Its quite common for me to be sad and have no idea why, but also to not be able to connect myself with my emotions. I have a very strong fear of being alone. I became depressed last year when my Dad applied for release even though before that my Dad being in prison hadn’t bothered me as such. I have found an audio clip of my Mum saying he photographed one of his own children but Im unsure whether it was me or my sister. I feel very uncomfortable approaching her about it. I was in a close friendship (not relationship as he claimed we weren’t physically close enough but now is in a long distance relationship) which was emotionally abusive. I am overweight and I hate people touching the back of my neck or my hair, and the only person I can stand hugs from is my Mum. I also hate things like ASMR. It makes me cringe a lot, it really goes through me. When my Dad was arrested I started getting nightmares where he is abusing me but I’m not sure if these are my imagination which is very vivid. I am still afraid of the dark. Its also worth noting I was my Dad’s favourite – my sister would apparently cry whenever she wasnt with Mum, whether with my grandparents, strangers, even my Dad. It worries me this might suggest she was abused. If he photographed one of us, I don’t see how he wouldnt have abused the other, and that thought is worse than if it was just me. However my Mum makes it very clear to us I was my Dad’s favourite, and the stronger interest in me also worries me.
Sorry this is such a long post. I’m just confused. There are a lot of things that I don’t know the answer to. If he didnt, then why is it still stuck in my head? Thanks for reading.
Katrina, what is clear here is that you know you are suffering. That you don’t know precisely what caused what, but that you know there has been some sort of trauma that has caused your adulthood to be a difficult one. As you say, you are coping, and that’s great. We are glad, and we are sure that takes tremendous strength and perseverance that others can’t even understand. But when is it time to go beyond coping? In our opinion, and we are in the UK which is less ‘just take pills’ than the USA, you can go beyond coping. It’s not going to come from going over and over the question of ‘what happened’ but by deciding, enough. I am going to do whatever it takes to start to move beyond this. In cases of trauma, support is highly advisable. People can and do make progress through determined self help, but it’s slow, and hard. Working with a counsellor or therapist who understands trauma can be a much more powerful way to move forward. Other options are group therapy or a support group. Start with what feels right for you. In summary, we feel you are brave and courageous. But we also feel you deserve to not live a life of quiet desperation. And we do feel that change is absolutely possible. We wish you courage.
We would say be very very careful about jumping to conclusions here. As you say, you have OCD and overthink, perhaps also some paranoia? If you aren’t already getting psychological support at the moment, we would advise it, as it sounds like your overthinking is causing you extreme anxiety and making your life hard.
HI I’m Carina and I was abused when I was a child the time past and I’m married with two kids. my husband is older than me. My concern is the fear that I have with my daughters when a men, another boy or their own father are too close to them, it’s so hard for me. I think too much about it.I’m scared that some will hurt them like someone did so many times with me and my mom don’t even notice.I don’t want that to happened to them and raised them so weak like my mom did with me .My first daughter is 8 and my second is 4 months.my husband and I let a 13 years old kid stay in our house .he is his bestfriend son I know that is just for a few months but I can even sleep thinking that he will come to my daughters’ room and hurt my babies.I used to take therapy but I missed one so I never call again.but it was a couple therapy.Honesly I don’t know how to protect or let raise my daughters knowing that I have a trauma.Do you think I can cure my self? for my babies I’ll do anything
I don’t remember how old I was but I think it was around 5 years old. I remember wanting to play a board game with someone who was supposed to be like an older brother to me. He said he would if I would play a game with him first. I remember him making me do things to him but I feel like I may not remember the whole thing. Something in my brain makes me think something else happened. I do remember his mom came into the room but knocked first and we got dressed really fast. So I supposed we were naked? I know it sounds weird but I remember getting dressed but I don’t remember being naked? I am 28 and still haven’t had sex because every time I try to have a relationship I pull away and then always feel like they are too clingy. There was also a time when my mom brought up some other girl who was in my grade saying that the kid who did something to me did something to her and my mom called her a “little liar” so I have never told my mom. And because of that I don’t trust my mom I can’t tell her anything. She’s the kind of mom who would tell me that I’m fine if I said I didn’t feel well (not if I was actually puking though). I just feel so crazy and I have anxiety, depression and paranoia.
I’m worried that I may have been abused by my dad. I have been experiencing most of the symptoms listed. I would always feel ashamed and afraid of sex and especially men. I feel so vulnerable and alone. Me and my dad aren’t close. I remember a possible memory of my mom telling me to show her how someone touched me using a big plushy dog as a demonstration. Recently, my mom told me how my dad was molested and how he tried to rape her twice. I am uncertain and I’m afraid of asking my mom about it. I don’t want to look like I’m accusing my dad.
Carina, what an awful lot of trauma for one child and one person to go through. To lose a father, to have a mother to not be emotionally present afterwards, to know that your father supported hurting other children, and to be left with the possibility he hurt you, these are all huge traumas each by themselves, and together would be overwhelming for anyone to navigate. For starters, congratulate yourself for getting by at all, and for being brave enough to be here sharing. The next thing is the same thing you’ll hear us emphasising in the other comments. You can drive yourself around the bend trying to figure out exactly what happened to you. The sad thing is, unless we all had a time machine, we can never quite know. But what you do know, with full clarity, is that you are suffering. A lot. You sound like you are really lonely, like you have no real support, that you can’t get real answers from your family and are trying to navigate this all alone. And while you can’t change the past, you can do your best to heal and have a future. This is a high level of trauma. You need real support. We’d highly recommend you do what you can to find some. It’s hard if you are only 17. Would your mother understand if you asked her to help you find counselling? If not, is there a counsellor at school you’d be comfortable talking to? There are also some great charities here in the UK that provide great resources for teens as well as have free hotlines, not sure if you are in the UK or US though. Mind UK has good articles for teens, and then there is Childline (0800 1111) – the number won’t show up on the phone bill, so nobody in your family needs to know. You can also go to their site to have a online chat. Until then, be kind to yourself. You have been through an awful lot. We wish you courage and really hope you find some support. You deserve it.
Carina, it is totally understandable if you were abused as a child that you are terrified about your daughters being hurt. You love them, and you want the best for them. You are doing the best you can. So give yourself some credit. But you are also suffering from a lot of anxiety, which is affecting you and your parenting. It would be a good idea to get some support on this by yourself, not in couples therapy. Abuse when we are a child is a deep issue, and you’d benefit more from full attention and the privacy of one-on-one counselling. An abusive childhood leaves many of us with a sort of long-term PTSD, where we constantly feel jumpy, afraid, and paranoid. This can then leave our kids feeling anxious as well, as they can sense we are not okay. A counsellor or therapist will help you process old, repressed feelings and help you learn tools for managing the anxiety. And if you ever miss a session again, don’t let shame stop you. Call your counsellor and have a chat (child abuse also leaves many of us so anxious as adults that we are disorganised and with time issues, and therapists know this, and can understand). As for can you be ‘cured’, you are not sick. You simply have experienced trauma. You are a remarkable person doing the best she can. But yes, therapy can definitely make real change for those who suffered trauma. Look for a therapist who already has experience with victims of abuse, and you might want to find a therapist who integrates EMDR into his or her practice http://bit.ly/emdrtherapy. Hope that helps!
I remember when I was in year 2/3 I had a female best friend of the same age, and everytime I went round her house, she made me dance for her, kissed me etc and was constantly touchy. Similar situations happened everytime I went round, and yet I have such strong memories of it all, it makes me feel physically sick. I was told it was just kids being kids but the effect still lives with me today
If it was upsetting for you, then that is what matters. It does not matter what anyone else thinks or says about it. You are the one living your life. And your brain processes experiences in its own unique way. If this experience was traumatic for you, then it was. And the best thing to do now is seek support around that. Anything that makes you feel physically sick is important to process, and preferably with professional support.
Hi Aisha. It must have been really hard to hear your mother tell you something so shocking about your father as well, that alone must have been traumatic. It sounds like you are balancing your mother’s strong opinions on one side and a father you don’t know on the other, so then where is Aisha, and her own experiences, memories, and feelings? Where is her truth? We’d suggest not jumping to conclusions and speaking to someone outside of the situation so you can start to figure out your own feelings, thoughts, and experiences for yourself without having to fear any repercussions. Is there a school counsellor you can talk to? Or another person you trust who could help you contact a counsellor? If you are in the UK, and feel really overwhelmed, consider calling Childline, a 24-hour hotline for young people 0800 1111.
Hi Lauren, gosh it sounds hard to feel so unsupported on this. As you’ll see in other comments in this thread, it’s not about what actually happened, it’s about if you are suffering or not. Each person processes trauma in their own unique way. In fact they have now found that emotional neglect can cause the same long-term symptoms as sexual trauma, so you might even find that the lack of trust between your mother and yourself has also contributed to your anxiety, depression, and paranoia. We’d highly recommend you reach out for support. If you can’t afford counselling, you’ll find an article on our site on low cost counselling that can help you find ways to find support on a lower budget. bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Hope that helps, and we wish you courage!
Hi im 24 years old and I’ve been to therapy for PTSD and manic depression.I Don’t want to go to therapy for something like this I’m not even sure if anything happened. But I have dreams of this person hurting me sexually and my feelings towards this person are hateful and he makes me feel unconterbel. I’m overly protective of my children and wont let them around certain people without me. I tried talking to my mom about it and she didn’t seem to want to believe me about. So I never brought it up ever again.
Hi I was told as a teenager that when I was 3 almost 4 years old, my brother 3 years older than me came back home after a week end visit with out dad and we were both behaving off and out of character. I was going potty in underwear and crying a lot and just having issues and my brother was having angry outbursts and his teacher even noticed and has to call my mom about his behavior so she took us to a councelor and she showed me a book about places to not touch. I pointed to a page where the girl was covering her privates below and I said… dad was touching me there when I was trying 2 sleep! My mom showed me her notes she wrote down of our behavior back then and the hospital report cuz mom took me to hospital to have doc look at area to see if there was signs of being molested, but I would not allow anybody to get close to that area I wouldn’t let them take pants and underwear off and was crying so no exam done.
I have no memory of childhood. No memories til round 10 years old. My dad abused my mom all the time physically mentally and sexually in front of us. I have read police reports of him wrapping phone cord round mom’s neck and chasing her round with a bat round inside then outside of house. So a lot of trauma was witnessed as well as myself being sexually abused.
I have been diagnosed with bipolar1 depression and PTSD. Was in hospital last February for 2 weeks and the February before that for a month due to meds not working and needing a change quickly and with round the clock doc care.
I’m just really needing to know what actually happened and if I was molested more than 1 time or what was going on. Cuz I need to know if my dad actually did something to me. If I know what happened then I feel I can start to process it and work on the issue and begin to move on from it. I also just want my other memories of just being a kid and the relationship me and my brother had cuz we not really that close.
I am torn. I feel that I know a 3 year old doesn’t really say what I said unless it happened cuz it’s hard for a 3 year old to come up with something like that. And my brother obviously witnessed something or Idk cuz he was acting out also. So I know something terrible happened just don’t know what and it’s making life difficult not knowing. But I think cuz it’s my dad, I don’t want to truly believe my dad did anything to me. I just wanna remember being a kid but no memory.
Is there something I can do to help release these hidden memories? I really feel I’m not gonna be able to move on in life until I release memories and continue going to counceling and work out my issues. I need to know what happened. What can be done to help???
Oh and my mom is an alcoholic so was raised by an alcoholic mom and a woman beater dad who prob molested his own daughter. I just wonder if I really was sexually abused…if it happened multiple times over period of time which is why I don’t remember 1st 10 years of my life, or if that’s cuz there’s a mix of being molested and then witnessing the violence which made me loose those memories also for so long.
Plz help! If anything I can do at home or tell my councelor I Will do. Thank you for your time
We are sorry you had the experience of reaching out to a family member and feeling let down. That’s hard. As we’ve said in many of the comments above, we don’t go to therapy to look at exactly what did or did not happen, but to find ways to manage better and take better care of ourselves and feel better. You say you have been to therapy. Did you continue with it long enough to see results? Was it the right kind of therapy for you? Did you feel you could trust your therapist? Simply as it sounds like you feel unhappy and unsupported. Therapy can be a tough road. But if you find a good fit, a therapist you can grow to trust, these feelings of sadness, feeling unsupported and unheard, and feeling so anxious you are on protective overdrive around your kids can start to shift. So we do hope you would consider therapy again.
I have a very foggy memory when i was younger of lying on a white sheet of paper or bed sheets in some place that looked like a doctors office. I remember specifically someone touching, and maybe cutting my clitoris and labia when i was a very young child. It was not a dream, i know that for certain, and i have no memories around that. I have all the symptoms of sexual abuse, including panic attacks, constant anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, low self esteem, intense mood swings and opinion changes, little sense of identity and HORRIBLE distrust of my parents, especially of my mother. I am not sure why and sex, though easy and comfortable for me, has now turned into something fear based and with low sex drive. I have an overly heightened sense of grossness, shame, and feelings of sexual dirtiness in my body almost all the time. I am 18 now and all the signs are now beginning to add up. What do you think?
Hi Diane, thanks for this brave sharing. As you’ll read in all the other posts, unless we have a time machine, we can’t know what happened. All we can do is accept what is real – the symptoms. And then seek support. We do hope you reach out for some counselling. If you are student, it can be hard, but many high schools, colleges and universities have counsellors nowadays there to help. We wish you courage!
Hi, I’m in my 50’s and recent events and revelations have made me question whether I may have been sexually abused when I was a child. I have a memory of my father saying inappropriate things to me aged around 12 but nothing else. However I have recently been made aware he has also done this to other female family members and was once questioned by the police about sexual abuse at a boys school he worked at. My question is… what , if any, are the physical (gynochological) signs that someone has been abused at a young age. I ask this due to having sexual problems throughout my life. Thank you
I have always had this faint memory (I think), in the back of my mind, I remember it now and again and wonder if I really experienced it… so… Anyway when I was a little girl five maybe six I went to one of the giant get to get hers we had at my aunts house, and I say giant because my family is the size of a small army. In the possible memory, my cousin who would have been around 14 at the time, asked me if I wanted to play a really cool game. He said I could play but it was a secret so I couldn’t even tell my two favorite cousins Peanut and Coda bear(childhood nicknames). I agreed, and he took me up to my aunt and uncles room, after I told my favorite cousin we Peanut bye. He showed me their mirrored closet, and took me in there. I don’t remember much else other that my cousin Peanut coming in to me having my under wear at my ankles, I had been wearing a dress. My mom says I use to love dresses but suddenly stopped, but to be completely honest, ever since I can remember I felt afraid of wearing dresses, resentful toward them, i’ve Been uncomfortable around that cousin, and in that house. As a child I had major anger issues up to 5th grade, and I’ve always felt alone, and had self doubt lurking around my head. I remember when I was 7 bursting in to tears at a step cousin’s wedding because I had to wear a dress and change in front of the bridesmaids because I was the flower girl, my mom hadn’t under stood why I was crying, and reassured me that i’d be okay because we were all girls, and we all were wearing dresses, so I eventually got changed but ever sense that I have always been awkward in intimate situations, even if I like a guy and I’m trying to convey that I just keep a certain distance away from him, I know myself to display a wide majority of the bullet points the article displayed so I feel the memory is true but i don’t know… Also I’ve never been given ‘the talk’ but I’ve always… know, and that frightens me. I have an extremely hard time falling asleep and still have my child hood fear of the dark. I don’t know how clear I’ve been, but if you have any advice for me… i’d really appreciate it.
Hi Jessie, thanks for all this brave sharing. It sounds like you have come through a lot to get to where you are today. And it’s great that you are working with a counsellor. As we say in all the other comments, which you might want to read through, unless someone designed a foolproof time machine, there is no way to know what happened. Any kind of ‘special technique’ is not reliable or even dangerous as it can cause false memories and a whole set of other symptoms. The brain itself is not a storage unit, it is a flexible machine highly susceptible to suggestion, so if anyone did tell you they can retrieve false memories is really unethical. The best we can do is accept that what is important is to take care of ourselves and deal with the symptoms. It’s normal to wish we could know what happened in our lives, but it does not help. What helps is accepting the symptoms, and spending our energy on healing the symptoms over obsessing over the past. It’s a very good idea to be honest with your therapist that you can’t stop obsessing over what happened. Other than that, keep going with the counselling. It’s not a magic wand, but if you commit to the process you really will feel relief with time. We wish you courage!
I’ve experienced depression since I was about 9 years old, but I never knew why. Now I’m wondering whether it was caused by sexual abuse.
I have no memory of any sexual abuse and I feel like I had a pretty happy childhood up til age 9. But I’ve realized that I have a strange curiosity about abuse and part of me feels like I may have been abused at some point around about age 9.
I also associate children with sex more than is deemed acceptable and this has led me to wonder about it too.
I also have a strong desire to help sexually abused children – could this be rooted in my own experience of abuse?
Please help me to understand.
So the only reason why I think I was sexually abused when I was a kid is because I knew what a guy’s junk looks like before I watched porn for the first time. I didn’t think anything of it then but now I do. I’m afraid of my dad whenever he walks in the house it’s like a weight is on my shoulders and I get sad. I suspect my some of my uncles too for being apart of it. Also I read all of the symptoms and I have all of them… I don’t know what to do without my parents finding out.
i am 13 years old and watched my father die a year ago but i realized that i had trama before then i dont remember being sexually abused .. not really but there was this old friend of my parents and he lived on a farm so i would help him get eggs at night he would hold my lower back and sometimes his hand would slide down.. i dont remember anything else and i wouldnt think much of it but later after we left their farm he was put in prison for molesting his grand daughter and i was looking at this to see if my friend had been molested but instead in your list above i found a lot of things that fit me.. actually most of the things i havent told my mom about this she was sexually abused as a child and i dont want to bring bad memories to her please help
im sorry i wasted your time .. i think my next idea will cure the pain heh i was probably being dramatic anyway or it was a dream… i dont know it doesnt matter its funny though the first time i tell someone no one cares.. oh well like i said its probably a dream
Hi Donna, this is just a blog, not a monitored help place. Sorry about that. Your comments did not get deleted, we monitor all comments before posting due to the sensitive nature of the content and because sometimes people post things like threats when they aren’t feeling good, so we have to protect other readers. We’d suggest that you call Childline (assuming you are in the UK) it’s a free hotline for children where there are lovely people happy to help you when you need it. 0800 1111. If you aren’t in the UK, google for a helpline for children, most countries have several. This is because many people care, actually! They volunteer their time for free just to help people. Do call. They are very nice and friendly. In fact if you go to the Childline site you can even use their webchat if that is more comfortable for you.
Hi Donna, that sounds really hard. As the article says, and situation that puts a child in a position where they are being sexualised is a form of abuse. So sliding hands onto your bottom alone would be considered abusive and could cause these symptoms. Watching your father die when you are only 13 is it’s own kind of horror and trauma, and you are bound to be experiencing all sorts of emotions right now. Which would mean that old traumas might be coming back into your mind too, because everything is being stirred up. You need to find someone to talk to. If your mother is fragile, this might make it hard for her to support you. Is there a counsellor in school you can talk to? If you asked your mother to see a counsellor, would she understand? We have an article on how to ask your parents if you can see a counsellor here http://bit.ly/talktoparents. We don’t know where you are, but if you are in the UK we’d also recommend you call Childline, a wonderful charity that supports young people, we put the details in our other response to your set of messages.
Hello, there are unfortunately no long-term effects of abuse. A gynaecological exam would be useful only directly following the event. On the other hand, sexual problems can be related to psychological trauma. As we’ve said throughout this comment stream, putting our focus on exactly what did and didn’t happen is not only futile it’s an act of self-torture. The only thing we have control of is managing the symptoms and taking care of ourselves, which means making the effort to seek support. We do hope you consider it. It would be very useful for you to discuss these concerns with a therapist experienced in sexual problems and abuse. We wish you courage!
Hi Paige, it’s hard if we think we have been abused but we just don’t know. We’re sorry to hear that you are struggling. As we say in all the other responses, until someone builds a time machine, we can’t know. It could be that you saw a man naked on a beach and forgot it, it could be you were abused, you just can’t be sure at this point, and you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out! The only thing to do is focus on getting help with the symptoms. Which are the one thing that is certain. Which are also the same symptoms of all other forms of trauma too, so it’s not a good idea to accuse others if we are not sure. Starting to accuse others without being sure can sadly cause us more problems as people we are close to an turn against us or disappoint us by not defending us leaving us even feeling more sad and alone. It’s best to leave that sort of conversation until you have proper support in your life. Take actions that keep you safe and help you feel better. Reach out for support to someone you can really trust and who is not invested in the situation. is there a school counsellor? Could you tell your mum that you feel depressed and want to see counsellor without getting into details? Might she be open to help you with that? If so, we’ve written an article just for teens on how to ask your parents to let you see a counsellor, you can read it here bit.ly/talktoparents
Noah, we can’t say. As we say in all the other responses, unless we find a time machine, nobody can ‘know’ if they have been abused. The signs that signify abuse are also the same signs that arise from all other forms of trauma, so it might be you were abused. It might be you experienced another trauma like neglect, or a parent suddenly leaving. But what we’d suggest is that if you have the symptoms of abuse you seek support. As it’s not about what did or didn’t happen that helps here, it’s about how you help yourself manage, this is the only thing you can now control. Prioritise your wellbeing and seek support, ideally with a counsellor with experience of trauma.
Thank you for sharing Norea. It sounds like you are really struggling with anxiety and self-esteem issues. Unforunately, as we say to all the people in this thread with the same question, we can’t help you find out exactly what happened. Most of us never know, and until a time machine is created, the best thing we can do is accept that we won’t ever know for sure. What we do know for sure is that we are suffering. That we have symptoms that are upsetting us and making life hard. While we can’t change the past, we can change our present and future by reaching out for support. We would suggest you find a counsellor or therapist who deals with sexual abuse and trauma, and possibly uses EMDR as well. With time and commitment, it’s possible to feel a lot better about yourself and have less of these symptoms.
Hi,
I recently got curious, wondering if it’s possible to repress childhood traumas, memories of abuse, specifically sexual. I come from a past of physical abuse but not of the sexual nature. My father was a drug addict who used to beat the shit out of me just for looking at him the wrong way, he kidnapped us when my mother finally left him. We moved to another country with her after that. She was depressed and absent so I suffered neglect, living with my grandfather and her. He was a drunk who verbally abused me for years and of course, the bullying at school ensued.
I guess in some ways I’m really just textbook, fear of intimacy etc.
But I have no self-esteem issue whatsoever. I rebuilt myself from scratch and am a confident independent, 20 years old woman. I went to counseling but never addressed these issues, in particular, dismissing them as inconsequential.
It only ticked now, that I’m suffering from severe, debilitating anxiety issues that it is not normal for me to have dismissed traumatic events in such a way and it might be part of the problem.
The thing is, my memories of my childhood are foggy. My younger brother remembers much more than me, I barely remember snippets, fragments of things. I always assumed it was natural for a child to forget, but I’ve come to realize my own memory is way too fragmented.
Until two years ago, I could not handle physical contact, I felt violated and dirty every time someone, particularly a man, touched me. I spent years in physical isolation and struggle to this day, sometimes. I often talk about sex in a very dirty way, for fun and constantly make innuendos. After I broke up with my girlfriend (with whom I lost my virginity) I went on a crusade of promiscuity and often find myself kissing or otherwise touching boys I have no interest in, and I want to say no to. I’m always disconnected from my body during sex, practice masturbation, am a feminist yet can never reach an orgasm. I actually once passed out, and another time cried when I was on the brink of orgasming. I don’t know what I want or like sexually even though I’m rather liberal and yes, I do have fantasies of being raped, and constantly berate myself for it.
But that is not what pushed me to this point. I once told a friend I had been molested as a kid, and once recalled perfectly an accident during my teenage years. The tears I cried where real, yet I knew those things had never happened. They just felt real. Incredibly so. Not the circumstance, the feelings. I can recall feeling dirty, the apprehension, fear, powerlessness. Once, one of my friends talked about being molested and I just froze, to the point where she stopped talking and asked me if I was okay and I had ever experienced anything like it. I said no of course. A friend who got raped did the same thing. Seeing my expression asked me if I had ever been raped.
To my recollection, I haven’t, and yes I have nightmares, sensorial. I can’t see anything but I feel, just repulsion, disgust, dirty, someone touching me inappropriately and me wanting to say no but not daring. The first time a boy kissed me I cried and took three shower, even though it had been consensual. I have trouble with sex, I’m aware of it, I just don’t know why.
I’m also certain that it wasn’t my father, his speciality is beating up not molesting.
Thank you for all this honest, brave sharing Joanna. You have been through so much! What an awful lot of trauma. Physical abuse, a mother who was not mentally or emotionally present to give you the support and love any child needs, moving country….you are absolutely right that it’s not right to dismiss any of this, and it makes us sad you saw a counsellor who didn’t seem able to see you were suffering so much, possibly even from trauma-induced PTSD if you are always anxious and jumpy. Having no memory is common with trauma. It’s as if the brain just shuts it out as one of its survival tactics. We can’t say what happened to you re sexual abuse. It’s possible there was abuse, but it’s equally possible that it comes from being physically beaten, which can can cause fear of being touched too, it’s also a violation of the body, yes? And someone else talking about trauma would trigger your fight/flight stress response, complete with lots of fear, it doesn’t necessarily mean you shared the same experience as your friend, just that your body is wired to panic when it hears of trauma. What we can say is that having to deal with this is way too much for anyone to navigate alone. A good therapist can help you work through it, and you might find over time memories arise and you get more clarity. Read our articles on here on finding a good therapist. Look for someone who deals with young people and trauma if you can.Hope that helps. We wish you courage. You are brave, and you’ve got this far. These issues absolutely can be worked through, and you can see improvement, please do find the support you need.
Hi. I have been suffering from self worth and self esteem issues aswell as suicidal thoughts and self harm. Recently I saw this sort of viral video in which a boy has his arms tied to a pole and in a horrible joke or prank his pants are taken off and his private parts are left exposed and he’s crying. The video made me feel really weird and I can’t sleep because I keep thinking someone is looking over me. I also remember that whenever I would watch movies with my family and a naked women would appear, I would get really hot and I’d get furious at my brother who is two years younger than me. I remember walking in on my parents having sex when I was like 5 although I don’t know how relevant that is. Although I have a very perverted mind I can never imagine myself having sex with anyone, I make up fictional characters that I picture in my place. I remember being taught how to kiss a boy in my class who would also touch my bum sometimes when I was 8 or 7 and watching porn with a family friend who was a year older than me. I don’t know if I’m being a drama queen or not.
Hi, I’m a guy I’m 28 years old and I was abused 21 years ago when I was just 7 years old. I can still remember the acts I was forced to do, it was an older sibling who did this to me, and he was just 15 years old.
For a long time I thought I forgot what happened and that I succeeded dealing with all the negative feeling I passed through, but unfortunately, in the last 5 years I occasionally feel so depressed and so angry, I feel emptiness and guilt and start having flashback from that day. My life has not been so good on the social level and relationships with women, even thought at some point I had so many friends who loved me and looked up to me, but I have never been with a girl in bed, and sometimes I doubt people for no reason, even people that I supposably trust the most, and whenever I wanna discuss a sexual issue or topic with a friend I become so stressed and ashamed, like someone like me should not talk about sex or I don’t know. I simply wanna know why these feelings keep coming back after these years of neglecting them and after I thought I was stronger than falling into that trap.
I need help because suddenly I feel so lonesome and so vulnerable.
Hi Sonia, you know that you have self esteem issues and you mention self-harm. Self-harm is serious. It means you need help. So the real issue here isn’t ‘why’ or ‘what happened’ it’s ‘how can I get support’. The mind will spend hours making up stories or possibilities, some might be true, some not. But all this overthinking is just the mind’s way to distract itself from deep emotional pain. Yes, it can be a survival tactic. But obviously it’s not working so well as you feel low. So the only way to stop your mind spinning is to deal with the repressed emotions causing the pain. And that’s best done with the support of a professional as it can be overwhelming. If you are young, there might be a school counsellor you can talk to. You might also find our article on how to talk to your parents about mental health and getting help a useful read bit.ly/talktoparents
I think I’ve been abused, but I’m not sure. I’ve always been afraid of sex till I started having sex with a good partner. I’ve always hated sex, talking about it and such. I do remember fooling around with a friend of mine when we were young and kissing my sister. But I don’t think that’s what caused it. I do watch Law and Order: Special Victims Unit so maybe I’m making it up but I just don’t think so. My mom did tell me that I saw a man’s penis when I was a baby but I don’t know how that could have affected me. I just want some answers about how I feel.
Jay, there are no exact answers to what happened or didn’t happen as none of us have time machines. What there are, however, are answers to are how you are feeling, which is evidently anxious around sex. For starters, if you are young, then it’s normal. We get so many young people commenting on how anxious and afraid of sex they are, and a lot of it is down to media that encourages young people to think they are supposed to be really into sex and like it and want to have it. In fact many people are not naturally ready to be involved sexually until their twenties – or even late twenties!! So many young people rush in because of social pressure, and then develop insecurities and anxiety. That is not to say something did or didn’t happen. But the answer here is to seek support, someone to talk to, instead of torturing yourself about this topic. Is there a school counsellor, would your mother help you find a counsellor, or, if you are already working, does your workplace provide insurance for sessions with a therapist? They can help you unpack all this anxiety, as well as support anything bigger if anything does come up. As for seeing body parts as a child, many children see their parents naked at some point, bodies themselves are not bad or dangerous, but it of course depends on the situation that you were in, did your mother not explain that clearly? Finally, listen to your instincts. If you feel fearful around having sex with someone, could it be as you don’t know them enough? Don’t trust them? And. dare we say it, perhaps don’t really like them? The body can sometimes be more honest than the mind. Remember, you don’t have to do what you don’t want to do. It’s your life.
Thank you for your brave sharing. Look, abuse is a really hard thing to handle by yourself. It is hugely traumatic, and trauma even affects the way the brain works. It’s nothing to do with being ‘strong’. We don’t know a single person who has experienced sexual abuse, not sought help, and has a perfect life. Trauma is too powerful. It leaves every person who experiences it mired in shame, guilt, fear and anxiety. We need support and a strong commitment to ourselves to process it. So stop the self-judgement. Be proud that you have got to where you are and are brave enough to be here researching and leaving a comment. Then gather up that courage and do whatever you can to seek some support. Look for a counsellor or psychotherapist with experience with sexual abuse, and try to find someone you feel you can eventually trust and that you feel a click with. You can start to feel better. You can gain back your self-esteem and learn how to be in a relationship that makes you happy. It will take time. But it can happen. You can also look on forums to see how other people are managing, find a local support group, and/or read self-help books on dealing with sexual abuse. It might help you feel less lonely to know that others know what you are going through, and others have gotten through it to a better place. We wish you courage.
What if you think you might have been sexually abused by someone you love very much but you can’t remember so you don’t know for sure? I really love this person even though they’ve physically and emotionally abused me I understand why and they’re trying to get better so they don’t hurt me or anyone else anymore. I’m just worried they or someone else might have molested me as a child and that scares me more than anything. But since I don’t know for sure I don’t want to accuse them of anything since they’re all I have. I don’t know if I can tell anyone else either because they might hate me, or not believe me, or tell that person. What do I do?
Hi Ellie, that is a lot of pressure for one person. It’s not a good idea to accuse someone of something if it puts your wellbeing at risk. And it sounds like your life is pretty precarious right now. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to those around you, we’d suggest you reach out for impartial support. As it sounds like you really need some support right now. This could be talking to a counsellor, or if that feels too hard you might want to start by calling a hotline where a trained listener will be waiting to help and will believe what you share. You can read about the free UK helplines here bit.ly/mentalhelplines. Don’t be afraid to call a helpline. They are there for a reason. And they are confidential.
I was abused sexually when I was around 4-5 years old. This neighbor of mine; he was a teenager, around 15 or 16, touched me inappropriately and I remember feeling confused why he insisted to touch me in this certain place. He did touch me, and I remember telling my mom right away. I didn’t know what happened next but all I can remember is that I never went to his house to play again and I never see him again when I play outside.
I honestly don’t think my experience scarred me. But it did bother me a bit when I think about it. I feel ashamed and this is actually the first time I ever share this. I’m 25 yo now.
Is it bad that I don’t want people to ever know my experience? I don’t have a boyfriend now and my last one, we didn’t really went over the 2nd base. I’ve never been intimate to someone and somehow, I’m kind of nervous now. I keep thinking about, “what if he didn’t like my appearance?”, or “what if I don’t do great or less than what he expect me to do?”
Do my bad experience when I was 5 have any effect on me now without me knowing?
I’m grateful that I have loving family and friends, but most of all, grateful that I have a strong heart and mind. But I just need an opinion. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s not ‘bad’ to not want everyone to know your experience. Your life is your life, and who you choose to share it with is up to you. And there is nothing wrong with not rushing into a physical relationship.The media feeds us with all sorts of fairytale myths about romance and love and sex and pressures young people to be sexual early, but we all have our own rhythms and inner clocks and it’s not abnormal to not have intimacy until later on. It’s very normal to feel nervous. Sex is a big step in life and it involves being vulnerable. What is of concern, however, is that you seem to have low self-esteem and shame. This could come from this experience, but it’s likely a mix of other things, too, all working together. It’s wonderful that you have a loving family, but it can be hard to share our deepest thoughts with friends and family as they are invested in what we think and feel. Sometimes it can be a great relief to talk to a counsellor who is impartial, where we can say anything without repercussion. So something to consider. We feel finding a counsellor you feel comfortable with and discussing how you feel might help you.
[Edited for brevity…] I have very little memory of my childhood, right up into my teens. It’s all very hazy. I also started taking drugs and drinking around the age of 11 which didn’t help. When I did remember this about my dad it was such a small memory with so little detail and I felt that it didn’t distress me and I didn’t feel mad at him about it, which I thought was a good thing and that’s how it should stay so I just put it out of my mind. I think I also felt shame because I liked it.
I was more interested in sex than I think I should have been at a young age. Stashing pornography when I found some somewhere once, stealing my dads porn tape to watch back at my mums, I crept into my mums bedroom when I was small to listen to her having sex with someone (I can’t remember who), I was always touching myself, rubbing myself down there. I vaguely recall a social worker coming to the house to talk to me. I thought it was about my dads violence but was later told by my aunt it was because I was too precocious, playing mums and dads with my step brother.I would play sexual games with female friends too.
I have had several long term relationships which would always start off with us having a lot of sex but I think this almost always involved alcohol, was mostly to please them and it never lasted.
When I am drunk I can be very sexual and am much more likely to enjoy the sex. I used to regularly have very sexual dreams where I really want to have sex but can’t (usually due to being interrupted by others). In between relationships I would have drunken sex with people.
My life has changed a lot in the last few years. I am a mother now to a 2 year old girl and I got baptised last year. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has quite a lot of experience with these things (he is a therapist and has encountered many people, both professionally and personally, who have experienced abuse as a child). He has a very high sex drive and believes that I do too. He may well be right… It kind of makes sense from reading all this right? We are in a loving relationship and I can talk to him about anything at all. But I still seem to have issues surrounding having sex. I go through stages where I kind of want to but mostly I don’t and I just go through with it to please him. Then I can feel angry and pressurised and used and like the relationship is damned and I just want to be by myself.
I think my dad raped my mum and my older sister has been very vocal about him molesting her (he is not her dad) when she was a young teenager (touching her boobs, trying to put his tongue in her mouth, walking in on her in the bath). A friend of hers the same age felt uncomfortable around him too.
So I know he is capable of such things. And if he was able to do those things and to rub himself up against me the way he did and especially if he could tell that I liked it.. what was to stop him from doing more than that? Why can I never remember how it ended? Maybe there is a reason I can’t remember what happened. But maybe now I am really to remember and make some sense of everything. I am thinking hypnosis may be the way to go. Any suggestions or advice?
I have a lot of memory loss, i cant remember much of my childhood apart from a few snapshots, ive always been really skiddish and anxious in almost any situation and whenever something comes up in media about sexual abuse i get really anxious and more uncomfortable than the other people around me. The more ive researched the more likely it seems i was abused in some way and its been really eating away at me. is there anyway i can get into this and try and figure out what happened? Or should i just try to ignore it and get passed it?
Im 15 years old and i am pretty sure i have been sexually abused as a child i have memories of the guy making me give him a bj and him going down on me also he would touch me im so confused i have thise memories but i dont know if they are true the guy disappeared because he was physically abusive to my mother its been a long time but i have been experiencing symptoms like i have fantasies of being raped i think of horrific things and have severe trust issues i stoped feeling emotions such as love and empathy and replaced them for hate i used to self harm but stoped half a year ago i have kept this secret my entire life and finally told a guy friend about it he was supportive but since i told him ive been feeling bad like when i was telling him i was shaking like crazy and when i went to school the next day i felt like i was having a panic attack my heart was racing all day i was shaking like crazy I couldn’t stop hyperventilating and was all day fidgeting my class room is mostly full of boys there are just three girls including myself I don’t know if thats the reason but i felt like i was going crazy i just wanted to cry but I can’t cry now everything just keeps playing in my head over and over and i hate it not only was I sexually abused but i was also severely bullied and i had to go to psychologists ive had a lot of problems at school and changed school 8 times
Silas, as you’ll see in other comments, unless we develop time machines we can never know ‘what happened’. But what we do know is that we are not thriving, that we are suffering, that we have symptoms. So the question is not really figuring out what happened. It’s figuring out how to take care of yourself and sort out those symptoms so you can thrive. So definitely don’t ignore! Seek support. A counsellor or therapist who has experience with childhood trauma. What you talk about could arise from any sort of childhood trauma, not just abuse, and a therapist can help you start to unravel what you are experiencing. We wish you courage.
Hi Blake. You are under a lot of stress. Try to take a deep breath and focus on what is around you right now. what is the colour of your sweater? The floor? Notice present details. Notice that in this moment, you are not in imminent danger. That it is only your thoughts that are scary, not what is around you. (this is mindfulness, a great free technique for stress and panic bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout). Now. you need support. Is there someone to talk to? Do you feel supported by a parent? It sounds like a no. Is there a school counsellor you can talk to? You say you have gone to a psychologist, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve had anyone to create a trusting relationship with. If you have been to a psychologist we would imagine that your mother is aware you need support. Could you talk to her again and ask her to help you find support? We have an article here on how to ask parents for support. bit.ly/talktoparents Otherwise we’d advise you call a free hotline. It feels like you might be in America, so we aren’t sure of hotlines there, you’d have to google ‘teen help line’. If you are in the UK, which is where we are, we have an article that covers all the free places to call. bit.ly/mentalhelplines
First of all, their is a lot of self-blame here. A lot of, “I must have wanted it”, the unspoken thing coming across being “so therefore it is my fault”. You later say “it wasn’t real abuse”. Legally, it was well above and beyond real abuse! Penetration is not at all the only form of abuse (read our other article on new definitions of sexual abuse). Here’s the thing. Children are sexual. We are born with sexual organs. But when adults introduce sexual activity to children too early, it can be very confusing to a child. The body responds, and the child feels they must want it. But it is not right for an adult to pull a child into sexual activity. It is manipulative and illegal. An adult is supposed to protect and care for a child, not use them for pleasure. As to your current relationship. It is never a nice feeling to have someone else to tell us what we are thinking/feeling/experiencing. A therapist is a job, but he is not your therapist. He is your partner. And if you don’t want to have sex, no should be enough. So boundary issues need to be seriously looked at. That said, you need to take responsibility for yourself so that he is not left to feel he must be taking care of you, yes? And you are aware of that or you would not be posting here. Hypnosis will not help you deal with all your issues with boundaries, anger, and confusion. In fact a professional hypnotist will not ever hypnotise someone to remember abuse memories, as the brain does not work like that and false memories can come into play that upset a client more than heal them. As we’ve said again and again in these comments, we can’t ever ‘know exactly what happened’ until someone creates a time machine. It’s an act of self-torture to obsess on that. Use your energy to deal with reaching out for support on your symptoms. We’d recommend therapy with someone who is well versed with working with abuse issues. Perhaps schema therapy. But finding a therapist you like and trust might be more important than the type of therapy, as evidently abuse leads to trust issues.
Actually I went to a psychologist when i was in 4th and 5th grade because i was having trouble at school but for a whole different reason my mother is not aware of this
I told her once because i woke up to him touching me she just brushed it off and Im completely sure she doesn’t remember that . I can’t go to a psychologist because my mother won’t take me if i asked she would just start to ask questions and id have to tell her and I don’t trust the school counselor enough since im new at that school
It does sound hard to trust nobody around you. We would advise again you call a free hotline. Do read our article on talking to parents we mentioned, even if you feel you can’t talk to your mother, sometimes if we approach it right it can work out. As for the school counsellor, if you don’t trust anyone, then maybe it’s not a question of trust but of putting yourself first here and getting help without caring what people think. Good to keep in mind if you start feeling worse.
I really believe that my son was abused by his mother’s boyfriend. I know for sure that he physically abused him while he was young in elementary school. His mother’s boyfriend always pinched or pulled his ear when he got upset with my son ,i only found this out when i went up to his school to see how he was doing., his teacher and i frequently discussed my son’s mother and my sons attendance ,her drug addiction(pills) and why she may have put my son on medication . one day i came to his school and noticed that my son had a purple red and black bruising on his ear as i looked closer it also had a hole the exact shape of a thumb nail all the way through the skin and Cartledge of the ear. No one would help me and i don’t know why i didn’t just call the police. I think that it was because i wanted to handle this person myself because in all of the crazy situations with my son and his mother, she always seemed to “get away with murder”, i felt that his sister (my daughter) maybe a victim as well. Later on i talked with my son and daughter about these thungs and some were confirmed. But they have a fear of there mother because the story always gets destroyed when she is involved. The kids are both adults now and are on drugs and very sexually promiscuous ,they are very angry and seem to be out of touch with reality. Is it to late to get them some help? The mother did everything in her power to keep me out of reach and made sure till this day that the kids and I had no relationship.
We are sorry to hear all this Donovan. It must have been terribly hard on you to feel so powerless. The problem is that now they are adults, their lives are up to them. You can’t make anyone seek therapy. You can of course suggest they consider it, but this must be done in a very tactful way, or you can push the person further away from ever seeking help and sabotage any connection you do have. See our article on how to do this http://bit.ly/lovedonetherapy. Finally, one of the best ways to help our loved ones is to help ourselves first and inspire by example. Have you ever gone to therapy? There certainly seems enough issues here to warrant some time working on yourself. Just a thought.
Recently and at a snail’s pace, a curiosity or question of “I wonder if I was abused popped up”. Im feeling like I could completely be making this up, or mistaking memories as I am a highly sensitive person. And I truly truly don’t know if it’s real. How or what do I do next to figure out if I’ve even actually been sexually abused. Read through the symptoms and I have a majority of them, but they also seem broad strokes enough to be applicable for any other reason. My concern is even talking to a therapist could start swaying me towards assuming I was when I may not have been abused. It seems like the assumption is always that abuse probably happened. What do you recommend? Any trusted therapists in Los Angeles? Specifically one that is not biased for any reason, including working in sexual abuse. (I’ve found that if people walk into a convo wanting to find something then they’ll find it even when it’s not there)
When i was no more than maybe 13, i told my sister that as a very young child, our family friend had abused me. She told my mum but not my dad and i’m pretty sure she spoke with the family friend and his wife. My memories of this are so foggy and I don’t remember the consequences or any action that followed. My mum is still friends with the couple and now, almost 16 years after initially telling my sister, i find myself wondering if i made it all up or if that really happened? I so want to ask my sister, but i’m very nervous to go digging in a place that i feel my brain is trying to help me forget. But as an adult, i can’t help but wonder what happened to make my ordinarily over protective mother, not take action? Was it that i was so young and unsure of what i was telling her or did she just not want to deal with that?
I really wish this wasn’t on my mind at the moment, but i don’t know how to make it go back to the bottom of my mind where it belongs.
Okay so let me start off by saying that ive always been really sensitive when ppl discuss rape and such like I know no one is comfortable but like I’m really sensitive about it. I’ve also developed this thing where I really hate when my stepdad touches me. It makes me really uncomfortable and for some reason I’ve always been scared that’d he’d do something to me. Sometimes he’ll make comments about my body or something and I get really uncomfortable but idk if I’m reading too much into it. The fact that he used to be verbally and occasionally physically abusive probably contributes to that and that’s all I’ve chalked it up to. But also, when I was 8 or 9, my stepbrother used to touch me in a way that was extremely inappropriate. He’s about 3 years older than me and I never said no. I would sometimes touch him too because I felt like I had to? I don’t know. It never moved beyond groping or anything. Now I’m 16 and I have issues. I haven’t been diagnosed with anything since my mom refuses to bring me in, she thinks I’m attention seeking and just want to be able to say that I have a mental illness. I think I have social anxiety or maybe just regular anxiety. But I mean idk. This is really embarrassing to say but I have a masturbation problem. Like there isn’t a day I don’t do it, really. And I’m still a virgin (I think) so I can’t really relate to any of the sexual symptoms beyond that. And I don’t know what to do. Is what my stepbrother did considered sexual abuse? My memory During those years is kinda foggy sometimes but I don’t know if it’s just general bad memory or what. I’m scared maybe my stepdad did something to me. I’ve just always had this irrational fear that he would burn idk maybe I’m being paranoid.
This is hitting way too close to home! For a while I have assumed that I was molested or abused as an infant. I have no memories of abuse, but do know that I was very sexually aware from a young age. (Probably about 5yrs). I masturbated a lot from that age and always felt pent up sexual frustration. I was sexually active (touching/fondling /kissing) with our neighbours’ son from about 8. I have quite a few symptoms listed in this article, but as I never had any recollection of abuse, always thought I was a tad crazy.
I have this idea that I am adopted, which my whole family denies. I just don’t feel “part of the family” and have a very poor relationship with them. I am now 30 years old and would like to ascertain whether I was actually abused, so I can deal with the emotional fall out and heal. It feels like I can’t move on until I know for sure.
Hi Tara, it might be helpful to read through all the other comments in this stream. You’ll see that what we always say is the question ‘was I or wasn’t I abused’ is rarely helpful as unless we have a time machine we can’t know. A better question is ‘what can I do to work at healing my symptoms and feel better about myself and my life’. Unwanted sexual experiences happen to about 1 in 4 children minimum. It’s a high statistic. But so too do many other traumas happen. And as sexual trauma is the ‘taboo’ one it can indeed be the one jumped too without exploring other possibilities. Finding a good counsellor helps you explore all sorts, and you might find it’s a blend of traumatic experiences behind your issues. A good therapist isn’t there to sway you towards anything they let you make your own decisions. Look for someone you feel comfortable around and like you could grow to trust over time. As for therapists in LA we are a UK company so you’d have to do your own due diligence there. Good luck.
Hi Toni, if traumatic thoughts are rising up it’s because they need to be dealt with, not pushed to a ‘bottom’. There is a lot going on here. Not only might you have experienced abuse, you were then betrayed by the mother you obviously very much respect and love, and a sister you don’t seem to trust enough to talk to about it. We would highly suggest you reach out for support with this in the form of a counsellor or psychotherapist you feel comfortable with. At the very least some counselling could help you with your esteem and your sense of trust. It might also uncover other issues with your mother that need looking at that this scenario is currently keeping you from seeing clearly.
Mon, please do read our responses to others above. You’ll see we always say the same thing – we don’t have time machines. It’s never about knowing what exactly happened. It’s about getting help for the symptoms. Obviously you are suffering from extreme trust issues. We would advise you seek support.
Jenny, it sounds like you are really suffering here. It’s not, by the way, a ‘mental illness’ to be depressed, anxious, or worry you were abused. Many if not most of us will suffer anxiety or depression at some point in our lives, for example. What happened with your stepbrother isn’t great and if you feel uncomfortable about it and like you need to talk to someone about it then that is what matters. And it’s also not great that your step father would make comments about your body, that is inappropriate. It’s not about what did or didn’t happen so much as it’s about the fact that you feel unheard and unhappy. It also seems like you’ve had a fairly unstable childhood with nobody you can trust to be there for you, which alone is damaging. Could you talk to a school counsellor? Or insist that you be allowed to see a counsellor? We have an article on how to talk to parents about mental health that you might find helpful here bit.ly/talktoparents. Point out to them that many teens seek counselling, it’s pretty normal, and you are going to feel better, not to try to blame anyone. We wish you good luck!
Hi….i’m 16 and have many of the symptoms listed above and i’m terrified…i have one or two memories of my older brother playing a ‘game’ in his room, including him making me lick his below area and him doing that to me…i feel guilty, validated and started self-harming around 10(started not from this from him being physically violent), progressing to worse Self-harm – cutting- at 13. I get nightmares, disturbed sleep, sudden mood & personality changes, panic attacks and anxiety attacks. Spoke to a older friend and she has spoken to the people that deal with stuff..those people will be talking to my parents and i guess my brother too..but i don’t want to get him in trouble..i mean i know what he did wasn’t right one bit but he’s still my brother..
Hi, I’m 18 years old and recently I have been having suspicions of being molested as a child. I don’t remember much of my childhood, however I am experiencing a lot of the signs. I am dating a guy who is very narcissistic and my sexual drive is not normal. I panic whenever my boyfriend and i are getting intimate, especially when he fingers me. I hate being fingered but sex is fine, so this makes me think my molester fingered me. I usually never say no to my boyfriend when it comes to sex, even if i dont want to have it. I feel an obligation to please him. I have had OCD most of my life, and I have trichotillomania, which in some cases indicates abuse. Also, I began rubbing myself down there when I was in kindergarten. I don’t know how I began doing it but I do know that my girl cousin used to do it too at that age. We sometimes used to do it together. We were both really provocative at a young age, we would play games that had to do with having boyfriends and having sex with them. I asked her today if she remembers anything about her childhood and she suspects of being molested too. I don’t really know who could have raped me but i do remember a dream I had when I was 5 or 6. I dreamed that I was in bed and I couldn’t move. and I had a feeling my uncle was coming and there was nothing I could do. I don’t really know how i remember a dream from when i was 5, but it seemed to be significant. Also, the other thing that i clearly remember is i used to have a lot of urine infections as a child. I remember my vagina would burn whenever I got home from somewhere (I can’t remember where) and when my mom would check it, it would be red. I was a really quiet kid most of my life and I used to latch on to my mom a lot, I was very scared of people. In kindergarten through third grade, I remember having very violent thoughts towards other kids. I would imagine hurting them physically. I just want to know if these experiences indicate sexual abuse and if so, what can i do to be sure?
Hi Steph, thanks for all this sharing. if you read through the comments, you’ll see that we talk about this issue of ‘being sure’ a lot. Unfortunately, you can’t be ‘sure’. And obsessing on figuring out exactly what happened can be even more upsetting. The best thing to do, if you are feeling unable to cope, is to seek support. Is there someone you can talk to? A school counsellor? Or would your parents be open to helping you get counselling? (Read our article on how to navigate such a conversation here bit.ly/talktoparents.) And we’d just also say that all these things can be a result of other trauma. Neglect, a stressful experience, a family member dying, moving, parents divorcing, there are many things a child’s brain can process as hugely traumatic that can lead to OCD, urinary tract infections, and hair pulling. As for masturbation kids are sexual, some more than others, and exploration does happen, many children masturbate, that is not unusual but very normal (but parents are there to protect children from any adult acting sexually towards them, of course). As for your sexual drive ‘not being normal’ we do not know what a ‘normal sex drive’ is for 18 so not sure how you do… ;). What we do know is that each person is individual with their sex drive and the things you see in films and movies and media that encourage young people to think they are supposed to want sex young, and all the time, is complete rubbish. It forces far too many teens into sexual behaviour they are not ready for and don’t even want. A normal sex drive is whatever and whenever you want to have sex, there is no ‘measure’ except what you feel comfortable with. In fact many people don’t have sex until well into their twenties and in our books that is normal too. In summary, please do not jump to conclusions, but please do seek support. Hope that helps.
Hi April, we are really glad to hear you have reached out for support. We hope it’s working out. Try not to think of it as getting into trouble, as it might result in him getting the help he needs, too. And just to say it’s okay to feel angry and confused and to also still love him. These situations are really confusing.
I worry what will happen to the grown children of my abuser … if i tell now about my abuse as a child, they are my family too.
I seem to have most of the symptoms but I’m not really sure because I don’t remember anything. My mother was bipolar so I wasn’t raised in a nice environment and I might have PTSD due to this. My childhood memories are close to zero and they are all bad. But, although I don’t have any sexual abusing memories, I feel completely disconnected from my body, I don’t like sex, I hate talking sexually or hitting on a man, I’m disgusted by porn and always feel the need to be clean. I have one memory of an old person giving candies to other kids to bring me to his store. I also remember one kid from my neighborhood pretending he was having sex with me and I was trying to escape. But nothing more. Is it possible that I’ve been abused and not remember? How can I know for sure? I’m seeing a psychologist, but every time I try to mention anything, he says that simply not everyone has the same sex drive. He doesn’t even talk to me about PTSD. I live in a small society and can’t find another therapist. Is it possible that it’s just my PTSD causing this and not related to any sexual abuse?
Yes, it’s a hard one. It’s something you have to decide on yourself, but we’d suggest that you do work through the trauma with a counsellor first, so you are in a more solid place with it all and feel that you have the tools to communicate your experience effectively. Otherwise bringing the abuse out into the open can end up being totally overwhelming and re-traumatising.
Hi Sandy, yes it is possible it is a build up of various traumas causing it, not abuse. Feeling disconnected from the body or always wanting to be clean can be the result of a childhood that was so out of control, for example, that the body becomes the only thing we can control, for example. It doesn’t have to be sexual abuse. Because sexual abuse is very talked about in our society, many people assume they were abused. But again, it can be all sorts of different trauma. Another one could be that your mother hated her body and you internalised the attitude. There are many possibilities. What becomes important here is not obsessing on over whether you were or weren’t abused, which changes nothing, as we cannot know the past. But focussing on the symptoms of PTSD and what can be done to help you with them. If your counsellor won’t even talk about PTSD, do think about online therapy. Nowadays therapist all over the world can work with you. Google for one who deals with long-term PTSD and see what you find… and not to ‘toot our own horn’ (as we want you to find the person who is right for you regardless) but our new sister site offers phone and online therapy worldwide, http://www.harleytherapy.com.
After I turned 13 I knew something happened to me but blew it off. I hated men and I blacked out for 2 weeks after the event. It was honestly just like I knew, I told when I was 14 and they said that they I guess knew but did not know who it was.. I went to my doctor to get looked at and she said my hymen was barely on. I had recurring nightmares of the same topic, I had very bad traumatic reactions if seeing or hearing about it on TV. I am going to be 24 next month and I have substance abuse issues, I started taking painkillers when I was 13 and also self harm. I don’t remember anything but I don’t have to because I just knew it happened. Just wanted to share that.
Thank you for sharing, Mila. We hope you have found support on this.
Hi, I’m 17 and I’ve thought this so much about this happening to me but I put it aside because I just can’t think of someone who would have done that to me. I hardly have memories since I was 3-6 years old. I do remember some parts of when I was in kindergarten and so. I also remember being really aggressive, I used to get really mad and just hit my sisters in a really bad way. I can say that I did/do have anger issues. I also started masturbating around that same age and plenty times a day. Sometimes my mom or sisters would be in the same room and I still would do it. Maybe I was just exploring myself. But I’m concerned because I did it many times a day and afterwards I felt dirty or ashamed. I always do remember myself as a very aggressive person when I get really mad and sometimes out of the no where I used and still do get mad. I don’t like affection from any of other people sometimes I just let them hug me because I feel like I have to, to show that I’m nice and care for them. But normally when I’m being hugged I feel grossed out or like if I can’t breathe. I also have been told that I’m very mature for my age and that I’m too closed up. Maybe it’s because I’m a teen and that’s part of growing up. I never have talked about this with anybody because I don’t want them to think I’m doing it for attention or to be seen as the victim. Also when I was younger I was really scared of going anywhere by myself, I always had someone come with me. I do remember having nightmares and waking up being scared. Also I used to wet my bed till the age of 13 maybe that’s a normal thing. I have low self esteem and sometimes think poorly of myself, like I dont deserve to be alive. I also have suicidal thoughts. I have tried harm self. I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster sometimes I’m very creative and sometimes I just want to be alone. In general I’m a weird person with a weird personality and maybe nothing happened to me. I just dont know its bothering me and I just want know. I don’t know if there is a possibility that this could have happened to me or all of this is normal or I just might have another issue. I’m writing here because I don’t want to talk about this with anybody I know because it’s just weird and probably nothing happened to me. Yeah, well I guess that’s it.
Hey,
I feel crazy writing this, maybe it´s all in my head? I don´t know, but I need to get it out.
From a very young age, I´ve been interested in sex and known more than I should have. I used to make my toys perform inapropriate acts. I used to be addicted to satisfying myself, inserting things inside myself, when I really should not have had such knowledge.
As a preteen I was terrified of getting pregnant. I was physically, emotionally and verbally abused by my sperm donor, and have never expexted anything less of him but to have raped me.
I remember laying awake in my bed, stiff, terrified as he came to forcefully kiss me goodnight.
Being near him was repulsive. I feel physically ill just thinking about him or sex. Yet, I´m also very interested in it. I´m terrified or darkness, of men and letting people too close. I much prefer being by myself.
Anytime a man takes an interest in being with me, I´m flattered, but also scared stiff and want to run away and hide. When I go outside, I feel constantly as if I am going to be caught and raped- any passing vehicle, any look from a male.
Once, I recall, I was getting changed in my bedroom and my father tried to get in. I pleaded him not to, he knew what I was doing. He was laughing, trying to force the door open. He would barge into the bathroom as I was bathing, apparently to use the loo.
My uncle also lived with from the time he was a child, him being also bused by my father. I always felt uncomfortable arounbd him as well.
I have depression, dyslexia, PTSD and ADHD.
As a child I always have a foggy memory about being abused … I mean how could a child know about these kinds of things at the time … Growing up I started fetishizing submissive and rape relationships and I even build caracters in my brain who are in a submissive relationship… I HATE sex and i dont want to think of being held but as a child I remember often doing things to myself … I dont have any traumatic feelings when I see that person in real life now and I dont remember it hurting or anyhting back then… Im so confused .. how do I know if I was abused or if it was nothing ? Please helpcme
Hi there, thank you for sharing. If you read through the other comments you’ll see that you are not alone in feeling really confused as you want to know if something happened in your past. But the problem is unless someone creates a time machine we can just never know. And also, there are many different types of trauma that can cause the same symptoms, not just sexual abuse. The most important thing here is to recognise that you are struggling, not obsess on why. And then reach out for some support wherever you can find it. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety and feel really alone. Is there a school counsellor you’d feel okay talking to? Or a friend you trust? And if you live in UK, know that there are free helplines you can call when you feel really alone. (They will exist in the USA too but we don’t know about them as we are UK based). Just in case you are in the UK, here’s the list of where to call bit.ly/mentalhelplines. Please do reach out, you deserve the support.
Ellie we are sorry you are suffering. As we say in all the other comments, unless we have a time machine we can’t ‘know’. What we do know is that we are not coping and have symptoms. So the best thing you can do is put your focus on that instead. On finding support to help you with the symptoms. It seems like you have anxiety and struggle to trust others, so talking to a counsellor or therapist would be a great idea. If you are only a teenager, is there a counsellor at school you’d feel comfortable talking to? Is there a family member you trust? If you are in the UK, do call Childline if you ever feel very upset, it’s a free service for young people.
here is nothing ‘crazy’ about any of this. It sounds like you didn’t feel safe growing up and your boundaries were not respected. It also sounds like you didn’t feel loved or cared for. All of this is trauma in and of itself. No wonder you feel lost and sad. What is important here is that you seek some support. Do you have someone to talk to? Is there a family member you can trust? A counsellor at school you could try talking to? Are you already seeing a counsellor for PTSD and ADHD or is that self diagnosed? If you are seeing a counsellor, do open up to them about all this. that is what they are there for.
First, I just wanted to say thank you for this article. It will really be a stepping stone for me to make sense of my life and for me to get the help I need. Unfortunately, in my case, I don’t have all of the answers, and it definitely hasn’t helped that I lost someone who could have helped me the most with finding those answers. Two years ago, when that person was talking to me and still in my life, and I was starting to have a mental breakdown and went to an abuse shelter, I started realizing that I might have been sexually abused primarily by my father. While I was at the shelter, things were starting to come back to me from my past that I had long forgotten. I remember weird things that could have meant I had a sexual relationship with my dad. For instance, I remember my sister and I playing a card game where you would have to lose a piece of clothing for each round you lost, and I lost, and somehow, I ended up in a closet naked, and my father found me in there. Past that point, I don’t remember a thing. I remember sleeping with my dad in the same bedroom when I was young. I remember flirting with my dad as I would see him naked in the bathtub at times. I remember my sister convincing me to take the bottom part of this Ariel mermaid costume and “show myself to daddy” or something like that. I remember pretty weird things, but I don’t know past that point what it means. Also, when I was at the shelter, I experienced some things that would easily make a person I was sexually abused. When I was on the swing outside, I was looking at this rideable dinosaur, and it triggered me to hear noises outside of my mind. I kept hearing the noises of me humping this Scooby Doo pillow-like thing I humped when I was younger. In addition to this, in the room I was staying in, when I was trying to sleep one night, there was this imprint on the ceiling that looked like a monstrous version of my father, and soon after that, I started rocking back and forth as if I was being distraught by a hidden memory, and I kept saying, “Please daddy don’t hurt me.” I’ve had it so bad that I’ve had to go to the mental hospital several times, and while I was there, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I have so many dark, demented secrets and thoughts that they could fill over 1,000 pages if I were to write them all down, and even that wouldn’t cover all of it. I remember another time, I was a gas station getting gas, and as the gas was pumping, I was freaking out big time because the pumping sound reminded me of sex or rape. Even in my numbed, more “normal” states, I don’t function very well. I have a foggy mind constantly, I don’t remember things, I am very depressed (especially these days since I lost the man I am still in love with). An important thing to note is that while I am not attracted to guys with NPD or who are emotionally abusive, but the people who I tend to fall for the most have very messed up childhoods. I’m thinking this may all mean something, but as you suggested in your replies to many comments that I read here, it’s best to focus on how to deal with the symptoms of what you’re dealing with instead of focusing too much on trying to find what exactly happened. So the question I have for you guys is should I get a therapist that specializes in sexual abuse recovery even though I don’t know for sure if I was sexually abused? What is the best therapy to deal with my darkness?
i am turning 13 and,i think i was abused i remember sleeping and waking up with no pants i would have had pants on because it was winter and my mom was always afraid of my uncle and he would give me things when we were together he would let me watch movies late at night and they weren’t kid friendly i was 7-9. i don’t know if i was i have anger issues and i think about ending it i have been having nightmares and they feel real.
Hi Izzy, we are sorry to hear you are feeling overwhelmed. It’s hard turning 13, and it’s even harder to feel that maybe something scary happened in the past. Is there someone you can talk to about this? Is there a friend or family member you trust, or does your school have a counsellor who seems nice? Also, did you know there are free helplines you can call or chat online with, and they won’t leave any trace on phone bills, for example? We are in the UK but see you are in Canada and found this one for you https://kidshelpphone.ca/what-is-kids-help-phone. And finally just to say, growing up can be really hard, especially if you don’t feel safe and taken care of. We can feel trapped an life will never change. But it really truly does. There are many things ahead of you you can’t even imagine, but you do have to stick around to see them… and we want you to.
Gosh Angel that sounds truly overwhelming and a lot for anyone to deal with. Thanks for sharing all this. It definitely sounds like you have experienced trauma. The most important thing of all when finding a therapist is that you feel that you can grow to trust them and can be comfortable around them. Of course when we have experienced trauma we tend to trust nobody, so really do look for that ‘grow to’ over expecting an instant click with a therapist, and give it about 4 sessions before deciding. It would be an idea to look for someone who does have experience working with abuse. This doesn’t have to mean they only offer sexual abuse recovery. We’d suggest you also consider the type of therapy they offer. The thing is, when we are heavily traumatised to the point everything triggers us, like you evidently are, some therapies can backfire. Ones like psychodynamic therapy or psychoanalysis, or anything that focuses on going over the past, can make us feel re-traumatised. First you need to get stable. So you might want to try a few shorter types of therapy first that focus on that, on getting you stable and able to handle day to day life. CBT is very useful here as it focuses on helping you get control of your thoughts and bringing them to a neutral space instead of black and white thinking that triggers us. It makes you much more aware of your thinking, too, so that when are triggered you can go into self care mode before you find yourself in pieces. And it’s clinically proven to help with anxiety and depression. If you did have memories, the tool many trauma therapists use is EMDR, it’s designed to reprogram reactive brain responses. But it might not work so well if all your memories are only fragments, but worth chatting to a therapist who offers EMDR about. There are other therapies those with trauma report useful, but they aren’t licensed by psychotherapeutic bodies and we don’t know enough about them to suggest them so you’d have to do your own research there (body therapy, BWRT etc). In the long term, when you are more stable, you might want to look into schema therapy, which is very good for those who experienced parental abuse and grew up unable to trust a parent. The therapist will use a technique called ‘reparenting’ where they are warmer and more connected than a usual therapist so you can learn to trust someone. In summary, again, most important is a therapist you feel comfortable with, therapy is a relationship at its heart. We wish you luck!
When I was 11 and 12, many men over social media convinced me to send them very explicit pictures of myself over the course of many months as well as send very inappropriate messages. Since then I’ve felt incredibly guilty as I wasn’t physically coerced or threatened and I feel like because I chose to do it, I don’t have the right to say that I was abused despite experiencing severe depression, social anxiety, and having extreme difficulties in relationships, especially when they become sexual. As I get older, the memories bother me more and I think of them more frequently to the point where the thought of what I did temporarily consumes me with feelings of disgust and intense guilt. I don’t know if what I experienced was abuse or adolescent stupidity, but if it was abuse, I don’t know how to get past it while having this experience remain completely anonymous to people I know.
Hi V, thanks for sharing. This would qualify as a type of sexual abuse under new laws and regulations here in the UK, see our other article http://bit.ly/abusedefined. It is what is referred to as ‘non contact’ sexual abuse. You were a child who was manipulated and exploited. This is not your fault, you experienced something men can now be legally charged for. And now you are rather understandably experiencing shame and anxiety and want to blame yourself. This is not your fault. We’d suggest that you seek support over this with a counsellor or therapist or even local support group. A counsellor or psychotherapist creates a safe, supportive, and entirely private environment for you to explore your feelings in, and a support group creates a circle of trust. You can explore how you feel without involving people you know, and it’s up to you to decide if one day you share with people you know or not.
I’m 20, in college (well not rn bc its summer). but i just recently started seeing a counselor towards the end of the of the year and i wish i went earlier. we talked about many things but one of the things we talked about was any sort of abuse. emotionally i had been yes.. but she asked sexually. and i paused. for a while. i said i had been. because i can feel it.. I’ve known for years bits and pieces as a child, but never entirely. i felt guilty for saying yes because i felt like a liar because i can’t remember. recently my ‘alleged’ abuser (because I cannot remember) has been in my life alot lately. coming around my mother, sleeping over… and i have a temper i will admit. but it’s gotten worse, and my sister has told me ‘idk why your temper has gotten so bad lately’. because i haven’t told her. i told her last night i saw him two summers ago bc he does construction and i haven’t seen him in awhile he called my name while i was walking down a hill and i froze.. honestly truly i looked at him and i was stuck. my heart dropped and it felt like i couldn’t move. i have NEVER felt that before. my heart dropped to my gut with fear.. yet i couldn’t figure out why. then it’s always “hey baby, babygirl, sweetie’ with a creepy ass smirk. im not sure if my mother and him are back together but.. idk i need some advice or comfort. for someone to tell me i’m not crazy. my temper has been out of control, i’ve had random outbursts crying my heart out in the middle of day, tried to kill myself several times in middle school. fifth grade. who thinks of doing that in fifth grade? i thought about it in high school and i couldn’t understand why i tried to end my life. later on bit by bit i’ll remember a touch, a nickname and then i was still. too many of these symptoms are relateable.. can someone help me?
my name is Dorcas i am 17 i was rape between 4-5 of age but the age is what is giving me problem. i was rape by a cousin of mine it was really painful and i was also rape at the age of 10 this time i was rape by an older man we had mutual relationship with my family. his is in his late 40s i couldnt walk after he rape me so i blame my mom for not taking notice of the way i work. i was also made to hold a penis i was also fingered twice at the age of 12 or 13 for this reason i sometime have hatred for my mom blaming her for her carelesnes i feel unwanted and rejected and i have low self esteem i dont mingle among with people for the fear of by laugh at for not being a virgin and lastly i dont like people talking about sex virginity near me or make metion of someone by raped i over react when my siblings do something wrong i think i over react pls help me and sacred that my future husband will dislike me for not being a virgin pls help i havent told anyone a thing about this
Hi Ana. First of all congrats on being brave enough to see the counsellor! It’s unfortunate your counsellor at school pushed you to uncover this at a time when she knew you would not be able to access her as really that is super hard, to not have support when you need it. Is there anywhere else you could seek some support? Do you have a budget to hire a counsellor? There are many who offer low cost counselling if you are on a budget, google it in your area. And read our article for tips on how to find counselling you can afford http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy.Otherwise look for support groups for young people, and get to know mental health hotlines where you can talk to trained listeners for free if you ever feel really low. If you are in the UK you can learn about them here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. Finally, as we say to others in this comment stream, try to obsess on exactly what happened, and try to obsess on taking care of yourself and getting help for your symptoms. As those are real no matter what happened are didn’t. And it’s obvious you are feeling anxious and depressed. Finally, try to go easy on yourself. Don’t judge yourself for feeling angry and moody. Take time alone to journal, to do things that you enjoy, be as kind to yourself as you can.
Dorcas this is all really sad for us to hear. We are truly sorry you have experienced such trauma and have been treated in this way. You didn’t deserve it. And we are sorry that you don’t feel that your family cares enough to notice and take care of you. If your future husband doesn’t like you for not being a virgin then he is really not a good person. He should have empathy for what you have experienced and love you for your inner qualities. That said we are guessing you come from a different culture where it is still expected a woman be a virgin which is such a hard situation we can imagine it’s causing you tremendous anxiety. Do you have anyone you can trust to talk to? A trusted friend or family member? If not, do you have the budget to hire a counsellor? Nowadays you can even speak to counsellors over the internet or by phone so if you feel nervous to talk to someone in your community because you can talk to a counsellor who even lives in a different country. It’s a lot to deal with alone, so we do hope you seek someone to support you!If you really have no money and nobody to turn to do a google to see if there are any charities in your country helping women who experienced abuse. Don’t be afraid to call, that is what these sorts of charities are there for.
My niece came to me when she was around 5 years old. Told me she wanted to tell me a secret and I could not tell anyone or I would die. Her words: “My daddy takes a shower and then puts his pee pee in my mouth, and it taste bad.”. Yeah I reported it and the first session the professional were convinced it was happening. Then the cocaine mom took her away for 10 day missing the next day confirmation evale. When she returned she told authority’s it was a monster under her bed. Fourteen years later the family home was sold and I had stuff shipped to me. Low and behold it was a radio shake recorder and the 5 year olds confession. OMG I hated hearing that again. But, I placed in the box and put it on a shelf for her mom to deal with after I die. Yeah well things change. Mercury moved into retrograde yesterday and my sister posted asking for prayers for this man because he has a clot in his lung. My comment under his Thank you was: are you save?, no reply all day. So I inboxed him word for word what she told me from the recording and asked him for a death bed confession. OH my if was a FB page in his name that was interacting with my sister and that his now 18 year daughter had control over. Not sure if he even knows he has a FB page. So I got threats that were said are not threats but promise’s that my life will be miserable after my dad dies. I’m caring for him, 7 years now. Familiar words and behavior of her mother towards out other sister, who passed at 40 and they were quit vicious with her. I moved decades ago to put distance between me and the druggies. I just hope she will eventually go find the files and start to heal. My intentions were not to hurt but to start the healing no matter how painful. I was better after I remembered my childhood.
Hi Teri, it all sounds very difficult and painful, sorry you have had to go through all that.
I was 5 year old boy I got raped buy a guy and that was 1995 I recently found him on Facebook who did that to me I’ve never told anyone cos I was ashamed of it ,it has damage me as guy left me with to much anger it’s really hard to trust anyone but now I want my justice I’ve contacted to police
But I’m quite nervous about it could someone give me some advice pls
Thanks
Hi Arman, we are sorry to hear about this. And we are also sorry to hear that you have gone from telling nobody, not working through any of your fury, and having no support on this and now facing your accuser. As that is a hard space to be. We’d recommend you seek support as soon as possible. A counsellor who has experience of abuse. As this experience is going to bring all your rage to the surface and also your vulnerability, which is why it’s usually advisable to work on your emotions and have support first, so you are in a stable place before a legal process which is difficult as it is. You might also want to read our article on what to do if you feel you have been abused http://bit.ly/2zmdGQT. And try to find a healthy way to vent your anger so that is doesn’t push away those you love, as you need their support now, not to push them away. This could be exercise, journalling, putting a punch bag up and giving it a good hit every day to get out those emotions! Hope that helps. We wish you strength and hope you find the support you need.
HI,
I have vivid memories of a man named Hank with an orange truck, a small dog, and a old lady wife/mother…. all present in the house hold. I was made to give him oral sex on more than a couple occasions. However when i ask the adult people that were in my life if they remember this man with the orange pick up truck (possible a ford old school)… not one of them know him. I feel like what i believe has happened is not valid because i have no one to verify that this man exist. This is a very clear memory and i never see it any different. I remember the dog not being a nice dog. The man was seemingly nice… and the woman seemed to always leave the room as if she knew what was about to happen. I am so hurt and confused by this memory…..
I am 65 years old, a mental health professional and had a wonderful 37 years with my beautiful husband until he passed away. I just want a name put to what I experienced from ages 9 to 14. My dad would get angry with my mom and would call me to get in the car and go with him. He never called my other three siblings – one older and two younger. I can remember leaving the house and returning to the house but nothing in between. There have been other minor indications that my dad could have molested me in some way. I know this is going to sound crazy, but I need a name for what I could do. During those years I developed the ability to completely turn our house and neighborhood around. Nothing inside the house or in the neighborhood changed, but it was as if my neighborhood, instead of running South to North was running from East to West. I could change it back and forth at whim. It just gave everything a different look. No one else could see it but me.
If a child has no memory of ever being molested and are being told that they were do you think they have been abused. The kid have been convinced that he was molested and that his father did it to him. What long term effect does it have the child mind and what can be done to prevent any further damage. The mother refuses to take him to counseling are get him any help. I need some advice on how to handle the situation properly. The child have been saying he doesn’t know his father and that nothing happened to him. The mother continues to ask over and over again after being told no 100 plus times now he’s saying something did happen to shut them up from asking. What do we do?
I faced mild molestations as a child which scared me to hell. I never spoke about them to anyone. I tried to persuade myself that they never happened and It’s all in my head. I used to get recurring dreams of a man chasing me and I lose my voice when I cry for help in those dreams. I thought I’ve moved on. I’m a young adult now. I’m getting those same dreams again and they still petrify me the same. How do I overcome this? I want those dreams to go away.
Hello. I’ve been physically and especially emotionally abused by my mother (who I’m almost certain has NPD) my whole life.
Now that I’m an adult, I’m understanding in more depth the abusive things she used to do to me, and how that affected me until today. However, there are a few things that I can’t quite understand, and since i have very little memory of my childhood, I’m wondering id sexual abuse is on the table as well. I cringe every time she’s around and want to throw up when she touches me. When she walks around the house on her panties, I feel this uncontrollable anger and disgust, and for as long as i can remember, this feeling comes when she sees me naked as well (like, when she walked into my room acciddentally when I was changing as a teenager). She has upskirted me to see if I’m wearing shorts underneath my skirt, which made me really furious and disgusted too. I can’t afford therapy, so I’m trying to find some answers…
Also, depending on the way my partner plays with my nipples, i feel sick and instantly think of my mom. I get really anxious about touching my female friends, and when my boyfriend looks or acts slightly feminine I cringe.
When I was a kid (less than 9 or 8 yrs old) I’d make my barbies have sex, but only oral sex. I didn’t know what sex was (like, penetration and such), so I’m wondering how I got that idea in the first place, Because when I had sex ED in school, I remember thinking “oh, so sex isn’t only mouth to genital”, but how in the world did I know that? Mind that my family is very Christian and very conservative, so there’s no way I could have seen that anywhere. I remember just knowing what to do, and I’m really scared. Just being around my mother makes me panic. It could be from the emotional abuse, of course, but I’m wondering if sexual abuse wasn’t part of it.
Wow, thank you all for all the comments and replies. I am in my thirties, married, mom to several children. I grew up very religious, completely segregated from boys. My husband was the first guy I ever touched and sex was gross and painful. I just always wanted to be held. After about two years of marriage and getting crazy anxiety, I got into therapy with a female therapist who took complete advantage of me by holding and hugging me for ages at a time, claiming she was “reparenting” me. Anyway, long story short, I’m at the other end of a huge recovery process. But now there is this niggling feeling that SOMETHING happened to me as a little girl. I don’t know what. My parents say they have no idea (and I trust them, no reason to think they’re lying to me). I’m about to get back with my husband after a long period of abstinence and I’m terrified of that forlorn and sad little girl emerging again, like she does when sex is involved. I’ve been through so much therapy and have learned to deal with my symptoms. Is it necessary for me to try to discover the source of my trauma? I feel like this is the only thing left that I can possibly do, because I’ve seriously tried everything therapy has to offer, but I’m so afraid of the process.
I am 49. For the last 4 or 5 months I have been getting snippets of flashbacks of sexual abuse, perpetrated by an older female family member, my maternal grandmother. She died over 10 years ago. Our relationship was a very odd one. She would bully and berate me one minute, we’d be best friends the next. I have written lots of ‘jigsaw’ pieces down and now they are starting to make a picture. My maternal grandparents NEVER had me alone, never babysat etc. It was always my dad’s side of the family. (Both sets of grandparents had cars and lived around the same distance from us, so it wasn’t a travel issue). The thought of having never been alone with them, gives me an uncomfortable feeling, though I don’t know why.
I was highly sexualised from a young age. My earliest memory would be around 4 years old, exposing my vagina in the window to cars as they went past. They could actually see me, but it felt exciting and dirty. I played sexual games from a young age, with every female friend I had, starting in primary school and continuing into my mid teens. I was promiscuous with male friends in my early teens, though I didn’t have full penetrative sex until I was 18, I did everything else. I was around 7 when I was playing with my best friend and neighbour Richard, who was a year younger than me. I initiated the game in his shed. I told him to be the photographer and I would be the model. I sat on the floor, with my knickers down and legs open and inserted the handle of a small trowel in my vagina. I then pretended to pose while he pretended to photograph me. He had an erection and kept touching it, but we never touched each other. I should not have known any of this at that age. It really frightens me to recall it.
I remember looking, close up, at an old womans vagina. This must have been my early teens. She was holding it open and I remember the inside lips being puffy and veiny. There was a certain smell, which I catch every now and again since and it disgusts me.
I suffer with weight issues, self neglect and addiction to cigs. I cannot insert my fingers into my vagina as I feel queasy doing it. I started masturbating at 12 and the only thing that makes me orgasm is watching or recalling lesbian encounters. I have been with my husband 28 years. He doesn’t have a sex drive at all now. I masturbate every now and again, but I feel guilty and dirty afterwards.
There are other pieces of the puzzle, but it all definitely points to abuse. Most of the points you have listed apply to me. For years, something hasn’t felt right, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
Why have the flashbacks started now. They seem to be increasing and I don’t know why.
I have absolutely no income of my own, so can’t afford private counselling at all. Would my first step be visiting my GP? It will be difficult for me to broach the subject, typing it is far easier than saying it out loud. Love to all who have shared here, thank you for your bravery. You’ve all helped me have the confidence to write this post.
Hi Sharday, thanks for sharing. We really recommend you read through the other comments here and also read our new article on what to do if you think you were abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. Obsessing on proving the memory is what we all tend to do at first, it’s normal to want to know what happened. But at the end of the day it makes us feel worse, not better. As we can’t change the past. What we CAN do is seek support and get help for the symptoms and moving forward.
Linda, thank you for this brave sharing. It sounds like your mind developed it’s own unique coping mechanism. The brain is a marvellous survival tool that will do its best to help us get by. It sounds like your mind not only dissociated but created a better world for you to live in. The problem with coping mechanisms it that they then become entrenched habits. A habit of dissociation, where we float above reality and cut out what is too hard, can really help when we are kids and have nowhere else to go. But if we continue to do that as adults, when we do have the power to make choices, it can really hinder us. If you feel this experience is still affecting you, why not talk to a counsellor? It’s never too late to deal with things, and counselling can be a wonderful, liberating experience. If it’s hard for you to get out nowadays you can also do counselling at home over online. If you are in the UK, we personally have an new website connecting people with therapists in their area including online http://www.harleytherapy.com. But do find the solution that works for you, we aren’t doing a sell here, what matters is that you find some support!
Shared from the United States. I am a 45 year male, dealing with vivid flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my slightly older brother. I only started remembering any of this 3 years ago when my twin children were born early by c-section in traumatic fashion almost killing my wife and them both. I held my wife’s hand while she was sliced open unaware of how close to death they all were, with the sight of her own lower half being blocked by a curtain; but I saw everything. After they were born and that day ended, I had my first adult panic attack and memories of abuse although sparse. Starting 6 months ago I have undergone EDMR therapy which unleashed a flood of memories and vivid flashbacks of years of abuse. Starting at 7-8 years up until 13 years old when I was strong enough to fight back. Somehow my mind completely blocked any of this out from that point on and allowed me to survive thinking I had a great childhood. Wrong! Although it does explain also why I have virtually no memory of any of my childhood except other traumatic events like…(someone killing a venomous snake in front of me, crashing my bicycle and getting hurt, or getting a horrible sunburn) but that was it. For whatever reasons I never questioned this lack of memory, other than assuming all kids must forget their childhood. Here is what I do remember happening by my brother:
Being… kicked, choked, punched, held down and spit on, attempted to set me on fire, pushed down staircases, pushed into trees and ditches, locked in basements and closets in dark, threatened constantly with death or harm if told, being sexually abused probably weekly for several years, being attacked in my sleep, being hunted down while hiding from him, being taunted in front of other kids by him and he encouraged them to put me down, being told I was worthless and nobody cared about me which is why abuse continued, beaten with sticks or rocks, feeling disconnected constantly as I still do, having my pets abused to prove he would kill them if I told, having live animals set on fire in front of me to keep me silent, and much more.
As an child and an adult I now realize I have acted in a disrespectful way repeatedly through my life not thinking anything was wrong with it, for this I am truly sorry to anyone involved. This included putting things in my butt as a 9 year old when no one was around, taking advantage of some women I dated when they were drunk/partying, always ending up in relationships with women who were sexually abused as children which they told me about privately after dating for considerable time, porn addiction, masturbating and more with other grown men as an adult but always hiding it from girlfriends.
This has destroyed my entire adult life in ways I did not even recognize and made my childhood a void which I now wish sometimes I did not know as much about. I cannot even remember any of the good moments. I am taking my children to a friends birthday party tomorrow and it made me realize I cannot remember any detail of even one childhood birthday party on mine.
I now suffer greatly from PTSD, anxiety, disassociation, flashbacks, and being a grumpy asshole to my family. My wife who is also pregnant with our third child is considering separating because of my inability to work through this deluge of shit. But I can only continue to recognize what happened and be a better version of me than I have been. I am not abusive to anyone but obviously I know that I am not a joy to be around, when anything can trigger my PTSD. Such as seeing my kids bicker and one get injured, or someone hit another person, or thoughts of keeping my family safe being difficult, or after a sudden flashback.
Either way I am happy to have sought help, EDMR therapy in particular, and to at least learn who I really am. Now I have to rebuild everything I know including ( self love, empathy toward others and myself, boundaries, what love is, who I might trust, and so much more).
I just wanted to write this anonymously and if I get a few responses that would be helpful, if not then I got to vent some frustrations without letting it slip out around my family who I love more than myself.
I truly feel for anyone who was abused. Do not doubt yourself. Memories can come back at anytime. Those gut feelings you have are likely for a great reason, they are a survival mechanism and trying to make you aware. I cannot pretend to know much about this, but in a short time of about a year have experienced a lot, and hope this can help anyone else; including myself.
Love to you all from me.
Keep your head up, shield up, nothing to be afraid of. A quote from the most positive musician in the world I know of Nahko and Medicine for the People, from the US also. Their music is the positive pulse that keeps me alive and moving forward.
Much Love and Thanks to You All for hearing me out.
I experienced mild molestations in my childhood which scared me to hell. I never mentioned those to anyone. I used to get nightmares about being chased and losing my voice when I yell for help. I thought I overcame and that I’ve moved on. I’m 20 now. I am experiencing the old dreams now again. They still scare me the same. What should I do to get rid of these dreams. Please,help
Hi Merly, thanks for sharing. It sounds really stressful and like what happened is causing you a lot of anxiety. We’d highly suggest you reach out for help with this one. These things, as you see, do not just ‘go away’. We have to process our feelings around the experience and it’s best done with support. Look for a therapist that helps people with sexual abuse and childhood trauma. Because you are young we suggest you take a look at our article on finding help as young person http://bit.ly/teenmentalthealthhelp also read our article on how to find low cost counselling http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy.
Hi Jeris, we can’t understand here how you are related to your situation. We also don’t know what country you are in. A child, in most country, needs the permission of his legal guardian to attend therapy. Otherwise it becomes something involving child services and/or possibly the police. We’d advise you call a mental health charity in your country and ask the way this works where you live.
Hi Merly, you can’t ‘make the dreams go away’ just like that. You have experienced trauma. And you need to process the emotions you have around the experience and find ways to heal the pain it has caused. “Mild” molestations, as you call them, can be just as serious as any other form. Read our other article http://bit.ly/abusedefined. Then look at our new article on how to find the support you need as a teen and do reach out for help bit.ly/teenmentalthealthhelp
Gosh thank you SO much for sharing this. It’s beautiful and searing honesty. We are sure it will help a lot of other readers. It is never ever too late to seek support to deal with trauma. And also, we all need to have compassion for others when they are grumpy, particularly a lot of men out there who seem so tough or are acting out, often they have suffered abuse and are hurting and sadly our society creates so few opportunities for these men to express and find support. We are sorry to hear your wife is considering separating. People can become used to us being a certain way then when we decide to grow and heal it can shake them up. It also triggers any of their own unresolved issues. We hope that the right thing happens for you and wish you strength and courage.
Hi M, Mother abuse does happen, and it’s something that isn’t talked about enough. That said, we can’t tell you if it happened or not. As you’ll see in the other comments, unless someone designs a time machine, nobody can actually know exactly what happened in the past. What we can do is deal with the symptoms. It sounds like you are definitely suffering and really need support. We’d challenge the idea you ‘can’t afford therapy’. First of all, look into low cost counselling, of which a lot is available bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Second of all, take an honest look at where your money goes and if maybe you could afford it and how not attending therapy might be LOSING you money https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/therapist-costs-makes-you-money.htm
Seph, no, it’s not necessary to find out the source of your trauma, and in most cases, barring a time machine, it’s not possible. What we are horrified at reading this is the ‘reparenting’ you went through. Which is an extreme form of reparenting not actually recommended or approved by therapy regulatory boards. She should be reported. You say you have tried everything therapy has had to offer. But a proper, good therapist would be helping you work through this fear, as well as what seems a belief you have to have sex even if you don’t want to (? You don’t. It’s your body and life.) And you say ‘so much therapy’. It can take many years sometimes, especially with trauma and abuse. Finally, we are curious if this is ‘christian therapy’. Which can often have a strong bias that is not in favour of the client. Did you choose these therapists yourself? Did you feel comfortable around them, and like you could trust them?
Thank you for this brave sharing! And it’s wonderful to see your courage to contemplate finding help. If you have zero budget, then yes, you can talk to your GP. Don’t feel you have to tell the whole entire story if it’s going to leave you feeling totally traumatised. You can just say that you are having very upsetting childhood flashbacks. You will have to tell the entire thing in more detail to an intake mental health worker who calls you so save the details for then. If you are lucky enough to be in one of the areas that now provides it you can even now self refer so you can skip talking to your GP. Go to this NHS page put in your post code and you’ll see if there are self referral options. https://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Psychological-therapies-(IAPT)/LocationSearch/10008
I’m 18 and starting to wonder if I was sexually abused as a child, but have no memory of it. I have memories of being very sexual from a really young age, including sexual fantasies when trying to fall asleep, reenacting sex scenes with dolls or stuffed animals, etc. When I was 8 my mom and I moved to a different state to live with a man she’d been dating for a few years, and we stayed with him for around 2 1/2 years before we ended up in a women’s and children’s shelter for emotional abuse. I don’t have any memories of him treating me sexually, or touching me inappropriately, but my mom has said that she was really creeped out by his relationship with his daughters, who were all adults. My mom has always been really honest with me about sexuality, always answering all my questions, and not shaming me ever. Even so, when I started masturbating at age 11, I was incredibly ashamed and couldn’t stand the idea of anyone finding out. Around that time I also became very uncomfortable talking to my mom about those things, or watching sex scenes in movies with her in the room, etc. I know that’s pretty normal, but I don’t know where the intense discomfort and shame came from, because she’s never done anything in my memory to warrant that. Then when I was around 15 I think, I had a couple of dreams where she made me have sex with her. I was so disturbed by them, I couldn’t look at her and I didn’t want to be in the same room or let her hug me or anything. After a while I just decided to let it go because they were just dreams, but a couple years later I had one again, and that time I couldn’t let it go. I remained afraid of her for several months, and I was constantly watching her and looking for signs that she was attracted to me or wanted to use me, and I remember little things that she did that seemed almost flirtatious or just creepy to me. Recently though, I’ve been dealing with more anxiety and depression than usual, and she’s been such a great help and so supportive, I don’t find myself being afraid of her anymore. I feel a lot closer to her. But every once in a while, I still find myself over thinking something she does or says, or remembering one of the weird things she did before, and freaking out about it, and I feel so angry and confused about it! I want to trust her, and I want to let those feelings go, but I don’t know how. I’m looking into therapy, but I’m afraid of talking about this because I’m ashamed and I think it’s all really weird. And I don’t want a therapist to think my mom abused me, but what if she did, and I don’t remember? Do you have any advice on how to deal with this? It’s been a big road block for a while and it’s making it really hard to function normally.
Hi Dove. For starters, don’t jump to conclusions. You’d be amazed how normal this all is. Shame about sex (society instills it, regardless of parenting), dreams about sexual encounters with parents. And your fear of her could be related to different things. If it was always just the two of you surviving intense situations, you might, for example, have a codependent relationship. Your dreams about her trying to be sexual with you could just be your unconscious trying to show you how you have no boundaries in your relationship. So read about codependency and boundaries and see what comes up for you. Finally, there is absolutely zero reason to be ashamed about talking to a therapist about things like sexual dreams and worries about abuse. Those are really normal things to be discussed in a therapy room and therapists have heard it all, in fact far, far more unusual stuff, these things you are talking about are not unusual but fairly common. So we would suggest trying to find support to talk about this. Our instinct is that your relationship with your mother is very intense and a part of you is ready to grow up and stand on your own two feet and you are navigating how to get your independence, which is difficult and upsetting for you. If you were abused, then therapy creates a safe space for any memories to come up, as well as how to learn how to navigate your symptoms like anxiety.
I only remember one instance of any sexual abuse that I was subjected to, and it always leaves me feeling very confused. My brother, when he was about 13 or so, basically made me touch him in a sexual way – I know that this had happened times previously because I had wanted to play a game at the time and was disappointed at the fact that I was to do that in order to play the game. I feel that I don’t remember a lot of instances of my childhood, and in general I have a bad memory. I also remember strange similar experiences with my cousin, and I am afraid I might have wrongly influenced her as a result without knowing it. Although one time I was sleeping and she tried to advance on me, and at that point I was very shocked and went to sleep in my closet instead of next to her when she was sleeping over which caused her to stop and it’s never been brought up again. I try to disconnect my present self with my younger self especially around that time, because I simply can’t understand my thought process then or know if I was misguided / remember certain things. Basically, I am confused about how I acted as a kid and about the root of all of this and how it connects to myself today – I have had frequent issues with depression and anxiety, and I always feel as if I overreact to how I view these things, especially the instance with my brother. It mostly bothers me with his situation, though, since my mom found out and he said to her when it happened that I wanted to see him exposing himself. I think that she downplays the situation as well, and it doesn’t help that I don’t remember a good amount of what happened.
Hi Luca, first of all, it’s perfectly normal to feel confused and upset about all this. It’s confusing stuff, childhood sexuality and what happens between kids. Children are naturally sexually curious, and sometimes they do things that leave other children feeling threatened or violated. They rarely mean to violate the other child. And yet this might cause no long term issues for one person, but cause many long term issues for another. What we would say we find most interesting here is that you then mention your mother’s response. It sounds she didn’t take it seriously, did not ask your side of the story, or did not believe you. These kinds of responses would leave a child feeling unsafe, unseen, and rejected. So we think this situation is far more complicated than just the actual sexual touching amongst children. It sounds like there were difficult power dynamics in your family, both between you and your brother and you and your mother, and a lack of honesty and support, and that you felt very alone and unheard as well as unsafe around your own brother. These things alone can cause depression, anxiety, and identity issues. We think you might find our article on the mother wound interesting here – https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/the-mother-wound-under-mothered.htm. In summary, be gentle with yourself around all this. And do seek support, in the form of a counsellor or therapist who can support you to explore all this safely.
I’m 17 years old now but I remember when I was really young and just starting to wear bras, my older brother (who is just a couple years older than me) gave me a forward ‘hug’ but put his hand up my shirt and under my bra, so he was touching my bare back. My young mind was still developing, but I could tell this was something that wasn’t right. I remember I told him to not do that, but then he actually did it AGAIN. I threatened to tell our parents, but I never ended up doing that. At the time, he was probably beginning puberty and experiencing some sexual changes – but SERIOUSLY? Doing something like THAT to your younger sister? Looking back on the experience, I could tell that I was taken advantage of by a confused pre-pubescent boy. Years later I haven’t told anyone except my closest friend (because close friends tell each other everything, like our deepest secrets). I don’t know why this memory bothers me so badly though – I mean, thankfully, it didn’t go any farther than bare-back-touching, but at the same time, if this experience wasn’t as bad as it could have been, why does it bug me so much? I mean, could I even call it being molested? Was I border-line molested? I want me and my brother to have a stronger sibling connection, now that he’s a legal adult and obviously knows better than he was a pre-pubescent child, but I’m afraid of bringing it up and discussing it with him. I guess what I really want from the confrontation is to explain why our sibling relationship has been so awkward for all these years (I mean, I don’t think the memory is the ONLY reason we have an awkward relationship, but I do believe it contributes to it – there’s been cases when I was a young child and sexually violated MY brother because I was confused and didn’t know better; basically learning the differences between right and wrong). I don’t know when the right time would be to have this discussion and I’m not sure if I even need to bring it up in order to have a stronger relationship. Like, should the conversation just be along the lines of “I understand you were sexually confused and I had similar experiences, but I just want us to agree that we’re past this now and I’ll be there for you as a sister and you’ll be there for me as a brother blah blah blah happy ending,” (obviously more serious than that but it’s the jist of it). If there’s any advice to be given, I’m open to listening. Thank you!
Please help me to get answers. This happened about 40 years ago and I have been living with this since then. I was 6 at the time.. just started school. My father was a high school teacher and my parents were staying at a school hostel for boys. I was outside playing ball when this much older guy approached me. I think he was about final year of school – probably about 17years old. He started kicking the ball with me. He was asking a lot of questions and told me about all the places at the hostel he and the other guys used to hide from classes. He told me that he would show me. I went a long with him and didn’t feel scared at all. My parents knew him and his parents very well. We ended up in a small dark room… something like a basement room… just a door. He said I should look inside and as I walked in he was about to take off his pants. I wanted to walk away, but he called me and said he wanted to show me something. I went back. By that time he was already playing with himself and said I should not say anything to anyone. I just stood there…couldn’t move. He said I should close the door so that no one can see me and he pulled my pants… I said no, but he insisted that he had a cool game he wanted to show me. Well, he made me lie down next to him…I was shaking and didn’t want to make a sound. He then took my hand and placed it on his penis and said I should rub it. I didn’t want to. I said I don’t know how and I have never done it before – I was hoping that he would then leave me. He then touched me and said that he will show me. He said that this was a game I had to learn because we stayed in the hostel and all boys did that. I didn’t want to but he kept putting my hand on his penis and moved up and down. I felt exposed and he just kept on going … when all was done, he said I should not tell anyone and he left. I was sitting in the small dark room and waited until I could not hear him. I ran out and went to our apartment. I felt so guilty of what I did and could not tell anyone. I was too afraid. I avoided any possible situation like that and although it never happened again I could see that he had told all his friends – they would stare at me. I tried to forget that moment, but now, after so many years it is haunting me. My marriage of almost 25years is on the rocks, I feel I am sexually not enough and these memories are killing me. I have not since that day said anything to anyone…not even my wife. What now?
Sam, it’s brave of you to share. And we are sad to hear you feel unable to tell this story to anyone else, except online. But shame is a strange thing. It choke holds us, it makes us feel responsible, and unable to see that this was nothing to do with us, not our fault, and something that far too many people experience. We keep silent and spend our whole lives feeling good enough when really we did nothing wrong at all, we just were unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time or met the wrong person.A small(yet horrible) incident becomes a giant monster that controls us. We’d say ‘what now’ is seek support about this. Find a counsellor or therapist you feel comfortable around and work through this. It really does help. It can save years more of feeling ‘not enough’. We wish you courage.
Hi Lauren. It sounds like the situation is much more complicated and you are choosing one detail to obsessively focus on. The mind can do that when we have had a lot of stress, anxiety, and trauma. For example you admit later in your story that you ‘sexually violated (your) brother’ because you ‘didn’t know better’. So it does sound very complicated. Touching your back would not actually count as sexual violation or abuse or being molested, it would just be being too forward. Yes, it was something that made you uncomfortable, and it was not a great thing for him to do, and we are sorry you experienced it. But it is not a form of abuse. What you are not mentioning here is your parents. Often issues with siblings are just playing out bigger issues happening around them with parents and adults. And it might be another trauma entirely that your mind is avoiding and thus you are obsessing on this one incident. In any case we can not give you a verdict over a comment box but with this level of overthinking and anxiety and stress is serious. So we would highly recommend you seek support, a counsellor or therapist as you sound quite fragile. Because you are young, you would need parental approval to talk to a therapist in most countries. But your school might have a free counsellor. Also google for a teen mental health line in your country. They are free places to talk to people who really care. We wish you courage.
Hi, I stumbled upon your page when I actually searched the internet for clues on understanding why I’ve been walking around with this feeling that something is off about my childhood that I just cannot figure out.
As a 38y old woman with a professional career, most people around me think I grew up in a wonderful and wealthy home with loving parents who sent me to university, etc. But my take on my childhood home is that it was completely loveless. I differ wildly from my sister who thinks our parents loved us and did so much for us. I honestly cannot remember one single occasion when my parents played with me, kicked a ball with me or anything like that. All I remember them doing is shouting at me for making a noise or being outside when they wanted me inside – for what reason I do not know as the only part I remember is being shouted at and hiding the tears on my cheeks as I was crying about having to go inside, but I can’t remember past the back door.
I remember my sister touching my private parts and simulating dry sex with me and I have never told a single soul on earth that as I partook in it willingly and am ashamed of not understanding what I was doing.
I remember having to go to some child minder type house as a child – i think I must have been about four or five because as far as I know my sister was in school already – and all I remember of the place was that I was absolutely terrified of it. I remember being alone and feeling like the other children abandoned me, I have memories of being afraid, running away from someone or something and searching and shouting for the other children, but not finding help and I remember hiding under a bed in that house, but I cannot remember what I was hiding from or where my sister was at the time. I remember my sister hitting me and warning me to keep quiet about the place – i.e. i should not tell our parents – but I cannot remember what it was that I should not tell. All I know is that I was beyond terrified of the place and I have had this feeling all my life that something happened over there that I cannot remember.
I remember wetting my bed almost my entire childhood until I was well into my teens and I can just not remember if it carried on until I had already left school (I still lived with my parents for about six years after leaving school) or if it stopped somewhere during high school. If I had to be honest, I think I was still wetting my bed after I had left school, which would have made me between 18 and 24 y old, as I left “home” when I was 24.
I remember a dream I had when I was either in high school or already left school – definitely still living at “home” – or at least I think it was a dream, where I had some sort of sexual experience and I was left with a very vivid taste in my mouth which I woke up with, so much so that I had to go wash my mouth and I felt naucious. Years later, I am sure the taste was the same as that of male ejaculation – at the time I was, or at least thought I was, still a virgin and had no idea what the taste was, but the “dream” left me with mixed feelings as there was a kind of excitement at the sexual experience but it was like this sexual experience that I was having (in my dream) turned out an awful nightmare and very unpleasant. It is one of my strangest memories and even that memory is not all there anymore.
As an adult I suffer from IBS, anxiety, depression poor interpersonal relationships, sever trust issues. I literally do not have one single friend – most people think that is impossible and a lie, but I genuinely do not have a single friend on the entire planet. And I am in a sexual relationship with a married man who contacts me every two to three weeks to have sex. I know I should not and I know I mean nothing to him, but I cant help myself – he is the only thing I have on the planet and I do not count him a friend because he is a secret and I only ever see him for an hour at a time for sex.
I have an unhealthy relationship with food and are on the borders of full-blown bulimia. I have uncontrollable feeding frenzies and i stick my finger down my throat anything from two to twenty times a week out of guilt and fear of getting fat.
I had my first panic attach when I was 16y old. I thought I was dying. Years later I realised that it was a panic attack. I have gone through bouts of feeling extremely tearful for weeks on end ever since I was 16 and my levels of depression and anxiety go up and down all the time.
I struggle to concentrate and the result is severe procrastination.
As a child I was severely bullied and made fun of non-stop. to this day I do not know why or what it was about me that made children want to make fun of me and bully me. It left me with terrible psychological scars. I never had any friends growing up either.
I never know what to fill into forms where I am asked to complete details of emergency contacts, as I do not have any emergency contacts. If something happened to me, there would be nobody who would care or want to know or could possibly help as I simply do not have anybody.
I have been wondering for years now whether I am suppressing something that happened to me or whether it just my parents’ inability to show love and/or being bullied as a child that left me with these scars and personality problems? One of the most difficult ones for me to work out is the bed-wetting into my early twenties.
Hi there. We can’t tell you an ‘answer’, as obviously it’s complex, as you are, and we don’t know you. But if you work with a therapist, over time you’ll likely find that it might be a combination several things over one concise thing. Traumas combined with childhood environments combined with the personality and genetics you were born with. Note you might never know ‘exactly’ what caused it over a combination of factors. The brain is complicated, and the way the brain decides on what is traumatic or not is highly individual. And we don’t have time machines. We can’t ever know ‘exactly what happened’ no matter how much we want to. And the real thing here is not to obsess on finding some apparent ‘truth’ to what happened, which won’t change the reality of your hear and now, but to get support, which can change your experience of life here and now. You are really suffering, on many fronts. Isn’t it better to focus on how you can lessen these symptoms then finding the exact ‘reason’? Find a counsellor or therapist you think you might learn to trust over time and start attending sessions and building a relationship where you can start to be yourself and examine how to raise your self-esteem and start making choices that are supportive over destructive. We wish you courage.
I’ve been getting constant fears of being sexually assaulted as a child, I’m 17. I can’t prove I was though, I started getting extremely hyper-sexual when I was 12. I didn’t think it was abnormal. Thats not even the point though, I get constant fears and moments where I zone out ‘daydreaming’ about being assaulted and it terrifies me. The person who I think did isn’t in my life but is the father of a younger sibling. Im terrified of him and seeing him makes me want to throw up. Im absolutely terrified of him, a lot of these issues apply to me. I can’t even prove he did what I think he did and i’m scared i’m making it up just for attention. I don’t want it to be real but I know it’s not normal for me to get these thoughts and constant worries. It’s hard to explain what I feel and what goes through my head. I get nightmares of being assaulted and I get these disillusions someone in my family is going to hurt me. I’m not allowed to go to therapy so I have no idea what to do. I’m scared something happened and I don’t know what to do. What if I’m just making it up? Then why am I getting these thoughts and fears. I constantly feel like all I’m going to be good at in a realtionship is a sexual pleaser. The thought of sex doesn’t exactly mortify me but it makes me extremly uncomfortable and I constantly make jokes and inuendos out of habit that I can’t help.
my name is Bree and I’m a 19 year old female and i feel as if i may have been sexually abused but have no memory of it. I first stumbled across the idea because i have deep fantasies of being abused and raped and have since before I could even be sexually arroused and I was joking with a friend that i must have some sort of repressed assault. but now it’s not so funny. Large parts of my childhood are unaccounted for. I have suffered from SEVERE anxiety for as long as i can remember. I’ve been hospitalized four times for suicidal attempts and self harm. I have bulimia nervosa. I have recently also been diagnosed with BPD. i am slightly overweight- which could be due to the the eating disorder granted. I get sick VERY often. i’ve been unable to mantain any relationships- ending them all as they just get serious. for that reason i haven’t had sex yet. it terrifies me! I thought these were all symptoms of my personality but now i feel as if there is more to uncover. I have intense fears of random people and places for reasons i don’t understand! I believe if i begin to record these boughts of intense fear i may be able to find a pattern and with that pattern i can start focusing on memories of my childhood. My childhood feels so far away, like another person lived it. I am only 19. I know I have mental illness and that treating it will happen with or without finding out if i was sexually assault as as a child. But now i feel as if i must know. is there a reason i am this way?
Bree, we aren’t God, so we can’t give you any ‘official truth’, but from our perspective, nobody is born to be this depressed, anxious, lonely, and afraid. There is an extremely high chance you suffered trauma or traumas to be at this point at the young age of 19. And we are sorry to hear you are suffering all this in your life. It’s a lot for anyone to go through. We can’t, however, say you were or weren’t sexually abused. Unfortunately, if you don’t have any memories, and even in the case of someone who does have some disconnected memories, until someone creates a time machine we can’t ‘prove’ anything. And we can really drive ourselves around the bend trying to ‘know’. It’s a natural impulse to want to know what happened. But the best thing you can do, if you can be brave enough, is just to find the support to help you with symptoms and work with what you do know. For example, you talk about violent abusive fantasies. Do you have a counsellor or therapist you could talk to about those? We really hope you do have a therapist, if you’ve been hospitalised for suicidal behaviour then you should have been given one but that said we don’t know what country you are in. If you don’t, you need is a therapist you feel you can one day grow to trust who you feel comfortable talking about all this with. As you are 19 note that you are legally able to also hire a counsellor without parental permission, and you might be able to find one who offers a very low price to young people. Read our article for ideas on finding a low cost therapist here bit.ly/lowcosttherapy . Note that if you are BPD you might want to find a therapist who offers the therapies that work for BPD as not all do (read about it here http://bit.ly/BPDtreatment). What you might find out when you begin exploring your past in the safe space of the therapy room is that it’s a series of traumas that have led you to this place. And not all traumas are as clear cut as abuse. Things like being abandoned by a parent, or having a parent who only loves us some but not all the time, are all also traumas for a child. Good luck!
Thanks for sharing. First of all, this is a lot of anxiety for anybody to be under. Notice how all your thoughts are about a past that may or may not have happened and a future that may or may not happen. There is nothing about the reality of where you are in the present moment. Anxiety robs us of the present moment, and it’s only in the present moment we find any peace. Where are you right now, in this exact moment? Are you safe right now? Focus on that. We highly recommend you use our free guide to mindfulness and start practicing it daily http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. As for whether or not you were abused, we can’t tell you. Yes, it’s possible. But all of this anxiety and overthinking could be caused by any number of traumas, not just abuse, and you could be terrified of this man for any number of reasons. We don’t know the full story and we don’t know you or your life history. What we do know is that you are suffering and need support. Sadly, you say you are not allowed to go to therapy. Do you have any friends you trust to talk to? Or a school counsellor you can turn to? If not, use as many tools as you can to help you manage anxiety (mindfulness, journalling, sport, art, whatever helps you feel calmer). Use free mental health lines if you feel unable to cope, most countries have them these days. And try to keep going until you are the age of 18 at which point you are eligible to hire a therapist for yourself. We wish you courage.
I have been struggling a lot to understand what is wrong with me. I don’t remember anything, except like four things before the age of 11. After reading this, I realized I experience almost everything that was listed for symptoms, and what sexual abuse results in. My mom had a lot of boyfriends over apparently as a kid, and she said I told her I didn’t like having them over anymore. I only remember one of her boyfriends, cuz apparently we lived with him. I remember that at a very young age I learned how to masturbate. I think I was three. I struggled with almost everything on every list above. I had multiple eating disorders, cutting, self harm, banging my head trying to make myself black out, bad self esteem, suicidal thoughts, always feeling dirty, anxiety attacks, stressed all the time, and I have to know what is going on 24/7 or else I have major anxiety, etc. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years. We fool around, but I don’t like it when he tries to please me. I always want to please him and I don’t know why. I can’t remember anything that may have happened to me as a kid. Am I just overthinking? Or could something have happened to me?
Thanks for sharing. Yes, it’s possible something happened. But unfortunately, as you’ll see in our other responses, we can’t tell anyone if they were or weren’t, as for that we’d need a time machine. What we can say is that while you will never ‘know’ what happened, look at the real facts. What you DO know. You are suffering immensely. Anxiety, suicidal thoughts…. so while spending all your time trying to figure out ‘exactly what happened’ is tempting, it tends to just create more suffering. Why not use all the energy and resources you have available to instead seek support for those symptoms? Reach out to a counsellor or therapist if at all possible, as these are big things you are grappling with. Memories might arise in therapy, they might not. What matters is that it will help you learn how to manage better and you can start to find your self worth again. We wish you courage.
Hello,
Well i remember certain parts of my abuse and have always pushed them to one side. Or should i say excused the bad behaviour and been able to forget about until now. My abuse was sexual, physical and emotional from many abusers. One thing i will say is that you block memories like that out of your head due to the emotional pain it caused not the physical.i was lucky i was never raped, i thank god for this even though ive lost all faith in religion after my abuse. Hearing people in religion take advsntage of children makes me feel even less protected by the church. All of my abusers had some kind of hold over me but i still think i did it to save hassle, i said no and you can repeat it to your blue in the face. Abusers wont hear that and will carry on not giving a care in the world what it has done to the person they have just abused. I know all of mine wont think twice about it. Believe they think its not abuse i dont know what they think and trying to undrstand an abuser is the worst torture. We will never understand why. We can make excuses for them and i see people doing this all the time. Made me over think and worry about things out of my control which has created anxiety and depression. writing this as i lie in bed with my depression. I just hope one day the world will be this lovely place where no bad things happen. This world is ideal and what i crave for even though its basically impossible. Still hope for it. Maybe this has drove me mad knowing i wont be able to stop it from happening to others even if i open up about it. Never going to stop the abuse vulnerable people encounter how can i. Ive had horrible thoughts of killing certain people espdcially child abusers. But i know this is not the way to go. I need to keep my chin even if its killing me inside.
Hi Dani, thank you for this honest sharing. It sounds like you have had to go through an awful lot of suffering and that you are still really suffering. Do you have someone to talk to you trust? Or any means for reaching out for support? Does your country have any free hotlines you can call or support groups you can join? It’s just an awful lot for anyone to manage all by themselves, even if you are a strong person with a big heart.
I used to become hysterical when I received a pelvic exam in my teens and twenties. does this mean I was sexually abused as a child and don’t remember it? I’ve been treated for depression my whole adulthood (was depressed as a child) and diagnosed bipolar I in my early fifties. My multiple illnesses (RA, TBI, bone infection, three joint replacements) are all very well managed as I exercise consistently and have family support. But I felt creepy about my dad and I think I’d remember if I’d been abused. Any ideas?
Hi Lenny, if you read all the other comments, you’ll see that we always say the same thing. We can’t jump to conclusions about being abused. And we also, sadly, have to accept that for many of us, we’ll never ‘know’ exactly what happened to us, unless someone designs a time machine. As a therapy company we could also not make any judgement calls about if someone was or wasn’t abused without knowing them really well and working with them, we can’t go on just a few comments. For example, there could be several reasons you ‘feel creepy’ about your dad, so that alone is definitely not enough to go by. And a pelvic exam can be traumatic for anyone who is body conscious, or if you were injured before the exam the trauma of being injured could mean you feel stressed when touched. But if you feel that you have symptoms you’d like to work at healing, that is what to focus on. We would suggest that you try not to obsess on the question of ‘was I or wasn’t I abused” but to instead seek counselling or therapy to explore this anxiety or talk about it with the therapist you are already working with.
hello, i’m here to tell you that i remember nothing about childhood however when i was 15 years old i faced sexual harassment when i was asleep from 2 of my cousins ,at that moment i couldn’t react ,i did nothing but i can remember their hands touching me and hearing their voices .. also i remember from childhood one of my uncles who used to love me so much ,he used to bought me everything i like and he lived with us for a period of time (he used drugs) however my parents were not aware of that and they didn’t realise that this might harm us as girls (we are 4 girls in the family) .i have scars on the face but i don’t know till now they are caused by what.. after what happened to me by my cousins i tried so hard to forget about that and i used to talk to them as they did nothing to me (i don’t know why) . when i attended the university i lived far from home and i met bad people i used to have sex with them eventhough i didn’t want to and after the act i feel guilty and as if it was not me doing these things ,”yes i used to please organs ” during that period i met someone in my life and to whom i lied about my past but he hacked my FB account and he saw the conversations and bit by bit i started to tell him about my life .. he helped me alot and we visited a psychologist and i met her alone and i told her that i sometimes dream with an old man and he scaries me and i don’t know whom that man and i don’t know why i used to have sex with many persons with no reason. i told her too that i feel that was raped by my uncle eventhough i didn’t remember the act .. also sometimes i feel that i’m afraid of my dad and i don’t know the reason ,sometimes i feel that my father is looking at me in another way i don’t why .. i feel that i was sexually abused and raped by a near person i mean my father ,uncle or both of them .. (another evidence that i in my first sex relation i felt nothing that harm i mean i was not virgin that’s why i feel that i was raped ,also i used to harm myself manytime with no reason just to feel better and i was too much attached to my mother and i trust no one just being with her was my own refugee )
today i’m 25 years old and i have no answer about my past or why i did these things .
Thank you for this sharing. We want to say that we are really glad to hear you found someone to talk to and saw a psychologist. You talk about these things like self harming as things you ‘used to’ do, so we are assuming the therapy helped. As for ever ‘knowing’ what happened, as you can see in the other responses we can’t ever know, unless one day there is a time machine! All we can do is seek support to help with our symptoms, our anxiety and harming, which you have. And then to constantly commit to taking good care of ourselves from now on, and being kind and compassionate to ourselves. We wish you continuing courage in your healing journey.
Hello again ,
I’m really glad ,
first of all i wanna thank you so much for the effort you did to reply.. because sometimes just a word can change our lives .. i’ve visited the psychologist just 3 times and i didn’t have the opportunity to visit her again ( because it was a problem of money) and telling you what happened to me is a kind of speaking out loud because i thought even of killing these persons i told you about .( fortunately i have not that idea now) we live in an arabic society and it’s not easy to talk about these topics and your reply is making me stronger .
Thank you so much again.
We are really glad to hear it. By the way, it’s normal to think about killing people who abused you in any way, sexually, emotionally, psychologically. Many abuse sufferers experience this. It does not make you a bad person as it’s just a thought, and you are not going to act on it. It’s your brain trying to process the rage and helplessness you felt. And you are not your thoughts, you are something much deeper, wiser, stronger. We wish you courage!
POST EDITED FOR PRIVACY AND LENGTH I have so many doubts about whether anything happened to me and whether what I remember actually matters. There are so many things that happened but each one alone doesn’t seem important on its own. I have always been seemingly over-interested in sex and my first sexual experiences were humiliating. In kindergarten on the first day I was caught playing I’ll show you mine if you show me yours with a little boy. He showed me his, then I got caught lifting up my skirt. The teacher sat me in a chair in the middle if the room for the rest of the day while all the kids played around me. Then while watching a movie with my mom I was told to cover my eyes during a sex scene. I didn’t and went back to my room to practice what I saw. My mother saw me and yelled at me.slow….Then the one I’m most embarrassed about, my mother gave me some of her old slips. I thought I looked like a princess. So when my dad came to pick me up I wanted to show him. My mother yelled at me disgusted to go put some clothes on. I felt so stupid and am embarrassed to this day. I used to spend every weekend at my father’s house. I was verbally and emotionally abused by my mother so it was my “safe place”. But my father’s wife disliked me and always tormented me and treated me as if she didn’t want me there. I remember falling asleep every night to him reading me stories and every saturday he would take me somewhere special, church was on sundays. Until I was around 10, I would steal his playboys and read them secretly. One day being careless, his wife found me and thrilled she finally had something substantial to punish me for she sent me to the basement to wait. Since I had this idealized relationship with him, i was horrified at the thought of my father finding out that I even knew what sex was… After that my weight ballooned, I stopped bathing and wore only baggy clothes, until i became this disgusting monster. I was so big even plus sized stores didn’t carry my size……I have been diagnosed with depression, PTSD, social anxiety, general anxiety and panic disorder. I have agoraphobia and I haven’t been able to work for years. And my love life is mess. I can’t enjoy being with my husband. I wake up thinking about things my father said or did. Mostly him staring at me or sitting in the dark interrogating me about the rape, which oddly enough was worse than the actual rape, which I only remember flashes of. I cant stand to have certain body parts touched. If they are, even accidentally, I freak out. It’s worse now that I’m pregnant again. I don’t know if I am making a big deal out of nothing. I’m too ashamed to tell anyone about it. I never told my last therapist who said I was probably exaggerating most things and that i needed more EMDR sessions than were normal, and she also wanted to send child protective services to my home because we live in an old house and deal with mice. Then she said I was just looking for validation. Our sessions ended when she began sympathizing more with my wealthy sister in law than she ever did with me and said I was just jealous of the attention she gets. I stayed with her for three years. That’s how easily manipulated I am. I am afraid to talk to anyone else.
Hi Unknown, we edited your comment due to it’s very long length. What we hear here is a whole lot of trauma, and a girl who never got the love, assurance, attention and safety she needed and deserved as a child and now walks through life as a woman feeling unsafe and unliked all the time. It sounds like you’ve never been able to trust someone, which is a lonely way to live. We’ve sorry you’ve had such a horrible time with the EMDR therapist. If you did have the courage to try therapy again, we’d highly suggest Schema therapy, which is specifically designed to help people when other forms of therapy haven’t and to help people who have no idea how to trust. Otherwise, if you want to try group therapy, dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) might really help. We really believe with the right support you could start to feel worthy, liked, and able to trust again. We wish you courage.
I’m 14 and have almost no memory of it, but I’m pretty sure I may have been sexually assaulted in some way around the age of 6. So my grandpa’s ex girlfriend (or wife, I don’t know) got a boyfriend named Karl. I don’t even remember how he came about or how i learned his name, I just knew it. Karl acted strangely around me and my sister and, at the time, I didn’t think anything of it. But, some things he used to do were really strange, like when he’d shove my head under his shirt (keep in mind, we barely knew this guy). We used to spend the night at my grandpa’s all the time. Around the last time we did, I’m almost certain I went spent the night without my sister. All I can remember, however, is getting out of my mom’s car and greeting my grandpa in his workshop, that’s it. Before then, I was fine with Karl, but after it, I get slightly anxious when I think about and just all around feel off/wrong. A lot of signs point to something having happened that day, but it’s also possible that nothing did happen and I just can’t remember. Now, I have a lot of the long term affects and (I don’t know if this is says anything or not) but get super uncomfortable in rape scenes in cop shows (even though they don’t show anything or doesn’t get that far). I don’t just get slightly uncomfortable, I get really anxious and can’t stop myself from shifting around. (PS. Karl and his girlfriend moved out shortly after)
If anyone could help bring into light whether or notsomething actually happened, it’d really help.
Hi Cody, sounds tough. We are sorry to hear you are feeling so anxious. Please read all the other comments. You’ll find that we always say the same thing – unless someone invents a ‘time machine’, there is no way to ‘know’. The only thing you can do is seek support for symptoms. And focus on that instead of driving yourself crazy trying to ‘know’. Feeling anxious and upset is enough symptoms to talk to someone. Is there a school counsellor? Someone you trust? Would your parents let you go see a counsellor? And Cody please read our other article, ‘What to Do if You Think You’ve Been Abused’. http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse We wish you courage.
Hi. I have just verified sexual abuse done to me when I was young. My aunt confirmed it. I have been charged with retail theft. And I don’t know why I did it. I have never been in trouble. I was diagnosed with ptsd in 2017. Ever since the trauma I had that caused the diagnosis, life has gotten almost unbearable. I have thoughts of suicide daily. I used to raise farm animals but recently sold them all. I don’t go out or call family or friends like I used to. I am not trying to make excuses for my crime, I just am wondering if the depression could be a contributing factor.
Hi Melissa, so from what you are saying you have depression and ptsd? Mental health issues affect everything we do. If you do a google of ‘shoplifting mental health’ you can get a clearer idea. Are you getting counselling? We really hope so. Suicidal thoughts are serious.
Hey, so recently I’ve been have this reoccurring dream where I’m in a room with my half brother and he’s trying to get me to mess with his genitalia. I tell him to stop and he just continues. I do not have contact with him anymore, however, I remember how he would always want me around him and never wanted me to be alone with my Dad. I guess because he assumed I would say something to him since he wasn’t his Dad. I recently was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I get disgusted with the thoughts of being with a male and have such low self esteem about myself. Could these dreams that I’m having be real and the cause of everything?
Hi Brit, we simply couldn’t tell you that, as we can’t get in a time machine and go into your past… the best thing is to focus on getting support for your anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, which are all important things to get help with, and then develop a relationship of trust with your counsellor or therapist who can then work on this with you. You might also find our other article helpful it explains what to do if you think you were abused https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/i-think-i-was-abused-as-a-child.htm
I Have suffered with PTSD after being sexually exposed to as a 4 year old. I can not remember My childhood before or a year after.
I have recently been told at the age of 33 that I was exposed to at that time.
I would have bouts of depression and anxiety now suffer with more anxiety also with depression.
I now know that it has effected me lifelong and it has sent me into a deep depression that gets to suicidal thoughts which I never had before.
It feels like there is no one there to help now as my own mother missed all the signs and I can not think that she is on my side.
Any advice?
What could being told about this and the ultimate realisation of a life long problem do to me medically?
Hi CT, it’s estimated that 1 in 4 children suffer from some sort of abuse as children. So out of all those millions of people out there who have sadly suffered abuse, there is no exact medical response because it depends on the actions you as an adult now take. Are you going to step up and seek help and take care of yourself? Then you might find your anxiety and depression becomes manageable. Not seeking help can mean our shame and anxiety runs our lives and we live our life feeling a constant victim, full of rage. We wish you courage and suggest you read our other piece on what to do if you suspect you were abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse
Please could you tell me why an abused victim may be attracted to a partner with narcissistic traits? My ex partner was very much narcissistic and I have been trying to unravel my past as I believe I could have been abused as a child. I have blocked out almost everything between the ages of 3 – 10 and I’m currently receiving EMDR therapy. I answer yes to practically all of the questions above and have abused myself most of my life. Thankfully I believe I am on a path to recovery however I can still remember hardly anything. I have so many clues and symptoms of child abuse though even more than are listed above. Is there an effective way of unearthing repressed memories? I feel that memories/emotions are surfacing through the EMDR but still no hard evidence. I did not seek this therapy for this reason it was to conquer my jealousy as for once in my life I am in a loving relationship and need to eradicate my jealous behaviour as it is on a subconscious level. I buried my suspicions a long time ago but they are surfacing again beyond my control. It would be nice to know if the reason I abused myself and allowed other people to abuse me for so many years was because I was abused but I am afraid of the truth, and of never really knowing, and of being free to be me. I might actually be happy if I know the truth and that is more alien to me than anything.
Hi SC, we are sorry to hear about your difficulties but great to hear you are trying therapy. If you read all the other comments you’ll see we always say the same thing – nobody can know ‘the truth’ as we don’t have time machines. The best you can do is work on sorting out your symptoms, which you are. We think you might also find our other article interesting, it discusses the steps to take if you think you were abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse good luck!
I keep having what i call nightmares that seem so real. In my dream it is always the same thing, i am about 2 years old still in diapers and my ex stepdad is changing my diaper all of a sudden i feel pain in the vagina and when i sit up to look he is taking his finger out and it has blood on it. I have had ther sexual abuse done to me and i was raped but that dream disturbs me the most. My self-esteem is super low lets put it this way many of those symptoms i have been through and some i still have. I am 52 and have never realy dealt with this, and i believe it is to late for me to even try now but i hope all who have commented here get the help they need.
I forgot to mention that when I married i was married twice and bothe times they were much older men I am no sure if that is a symptom or not. I also to this day have no idea if the dream is of something that really happened to me but it sure feels real every time i dream it and it always happens the same way.
Hi BC, it’s absolutely not too late, 52 is not that old either! We even have clients starting therapy in their 70s. You could truly see a difference if you found a therapist you felt you could grow to trust, perhaps with one who has dealt with abuse. Consider a round of short-term CBT first to help you stabilise your thoughts and reactions. And read our article on the types of therapy that help trauma http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma As for if dreams are real or not, as you’ll see in most of our responses, we can never know unless we find a time machine. What is real for you is what matters, then getting help with symptoms. Good luck!
I’m starting to remember things that suggest sexual abuse, but it’s not enough to know 100% sure if it is or even a person. Do you think I should wait until more things come back? Small bits and pieces are slowly coming back. I can’t exactly look for memories, cuz then when something pops in my head it’s just imagining the worst possibility. But I can tell when it’s a real memory.
Hi Anon, we suggest you read through other comments and read our connected article, “I Think I was Abused as a Child – What to Do Now”. bit.ly/dealwithabuse
This is hard to write, but I feel like writing putting it out there somewhere is the first step in coming to terms with the past. When I was around 7 or 8, my older male cousin started doing things to me. There are lot’s of blanks but I do remember being in bed naked with him and him being on top of me. He was around 13 or 14. I have other memories of him pushing his foot or hand into my crotch on other occasions. I grew up knowing this was wrong but feeling that it was my fault, that maybe he thought I wanted to do that. I felt like I was a terrible person and that I had caused what happened. When I was a teen (I’m in my 30’s now) my friends would talk about losing their virginity and I felt so ashamed because I didn’t know if I was so I slept with the first person I met at just 15, he was 18. This then continued a downward spiral of sex with strangers, feeling that if I said no I wouldn’t be liked or loved. I’ve definitely had an unhealthy relationship with sex. I have managed for the most part to shut the memories away because facing them means facing my feelings of shame. I’m tired of feeling unlovable. I guess I just need someone to tell me that it wasn’t my fault. Then maybe I can start to move forward.
Well then we will gladly tell you – it wasn’t your fault. Also that it’s normal for a child to feel guilty and like it is. We’d highly highly advise you seek some support on this Helena. It’s a lot to unravel alone. A counsellor with experience helping clients with trauma and abuse is a godsend. There are also support groups, and there are are many self help books and websites, but a one-on-one counsellor is the ideal… If you are on a super low budget, take a look at our article on low cost counselling to give you some ideas on where to find it http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy
Don’t know what to think anymore, it feels awful even typing this, It feels like I keep going back to the behaviours without knowing the cause, people say if you’ve been abused you at least have some sort of memory but looking back nothing is standing out and large portions of my childhood have been lost completely… My mum is an actual survivor of sexual abuse herself and she knows that it was always at the back of her mind and she never truly forgot it so it just feels like i’m pulling things out of thin air, but I always seem to gravitate towards “predators” and entertain them, my mum said I was groomed online multiple times, but these felt like normal behaviours, I really don’t know what to think, i’m just sick in the head.
Hi EA, you aren’t sick in the head. You are just struggling with some issues, and you are not alone in struggling with them. Just also to let you know that if a parent has dealt with abuse we can also learn the symptoms. In any case, is there anyone you can talk to? An adult you trust, a school counsellor? If not also google free helplines for teens in your country and don’t be afraid to call and talk if you need it, that is what they are there for.
i came online to search for signs your great grandfather stuck his penis into your mouth at an age too early to remember….i am thinking this must be a very common thing or at least in the old days before birth control…as the opening of a baby crying for its mom is exactly a warm inviting spot for an old man who had a very controlling wife and not allowed to have sex during his lifetime much on his own terms…i have only symptoms which i could lay out for you here but i dont want to waste the time I need to find information which talks about this…must be a very common thing that has happened to young toddlers when left alone at grandma or great grandma’s …am i right?
Teresa, sexual abuse is sadly all too common, 1 in 4 children is the ‘official’ statistic. It comes in all sorts of forms. Instead of focussing on whether or not it’s common, what about focussing on reaching out for some support on this? We sense a lot of rage which is normal if you suffered child sexual abuse, but which also can really hold us back in life unless we seek some support. If you are on a low budget, google for free support groups in your area or low cost counselling. You deserve some help with this. All the best.
I can’t remember if it happened or not? When i search for the memories from this time it is very difficult to remember and almost painful or confusing. Im a boy and i was 3 years old or younger i don’t have many memories from this period anyway. I’m not sure if i don’t remember because i was abused or just because i was so young? I found out my cousin was abused by her stepfather and im curious if maybe my brain is just looking for something to blame my depression for, or could something have happened to me there as well? Maybe the pain i feel isn’t from my own abuse but witnessing what happened to my cousin?
Unless someone designs a time machine we can’t know what did and didn’t happen in the past. But we can take all the energy we are using to obsess on ‘knowing’ and put it towards healing any symptoms instead. Read our connected article on what to do if you worry you’ve been abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse
I’m not in the UK, but – what do you do if therapy has consistently been harmful and retraumatizing? I’ve been to at this point 8 different therapists. I still have nightmares, not only about the abuse itself, but about my experiences in therapy. In my experience, because I was initially diagnosed with anxiety and paranoia issues (in part because I was making “crazy” accusations), my discussions of abuse have been downplayed or even dismissed as a result of my mental illness. Add to that that it was done by a female perpetrator (I am female-bodied as well, although I would consider myself nonbinary), I have found that therapy is a very unsafe experience for me. I firmly believe that my attempts to go to therapy have done significant further damage to me, by reinforcing the idea that I’m bad or crazy and I shouldn’t make up things like that. I am not willing to go back to a system that’s proven to consistently treat me like I’m lying or too damaged to be believed, as well as invalidating my own gender identity because of my past.
What’s left for me? I don’t want to just “keep trying” and hope that somehow another therapist might help when in my experience it’s been more likely to do harm than good.
Jess, this is more common than you think. There are still too many therapists who do not understand trauma (look at the fact that complex PTSD is only just been recognised and some countries still don’t see it as a ‘official’ diagnosis). And some sorts of therapy definitely do re-traumatise if you have complex PTSD. If you are have PTSD and you do something like psychodynamic therapy, asked to talk again and again about things from the past, you can trigger yourself into fear mode again and again, leading to a lot of anxiety and fear!! It’s far far better to do a stablising type of therapy first before you go into this, something like EMDR or CBT, that lowers the PTSD. Please read our article on types of therapy that actually work for trauma http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma
The retraumatization I experienced was pretty much all from CBT. I honestly don’t understand how it’s supposed to help trauma. It was just echoing what the abusers and those who enable them by disbelief did – almost the same words sometimes. When I was a kid, the message was that I had good, loving, kind parents. It was my distorted thinking that made me so unhappy to live with my abuser and made me not love her. CBT (where I am the only option for trauma) echoed the same thing back to me, that my problems weren’t real but the result of my distorted thinking. That the primary problem wasn’t that I had been abused but that I wasn’t thinking clearly and was blowing things out of proportion. In fact my abuser has done it and loves it for precisely that reason, because it lets her explain how the problems her victims have are all really a result of their cognitive distortions!
Psychodynamic therapy might actually have helped. When I started recovering on my own, the first steps I had to take were trying to understand and label what happened and accept that it was actually that bad. But it wasn’t the recommendation for trauma. Instead I got endless attempts at CBT and confusion as to why I found it so difficult. I really think doing CBT so much set me back years in my recovery, because it hampered my ability to correctly identify, analyze, and handle bad situations and instead encouraged labeling my own ways of thinking about them as the problem. I was at the stage where I was just barely starting to recognize and accept the abuse, and CBT harmed that by encouraging me to second-guess myself and return to the old ways of thinking that relied on the baseline idea that I was being too negative.
Well it sounds like you already know what is right for you so by all means go with that. We are all unique and there is no one size fits all and you also need to find a therapist you can grow to trust, regardless of the type of therapy. Good luck !
Unfortunately I really don’t know what to do. I can sort of manage life, but the effect of therapy (this was across at least a half-dozen therapists) is that at this point I start having unmanageable symptoms simply from attending therapy. It doesn’t matter what the therapist does, they start after the first or second session even if we talking about nothing more interesting than the weather. Therapy is so strongly tied into re-experiencing the trauma and the denial of it that merely engaging in the process is too traumatic. I’ve also by and large found that there’s no treatments offered for trauma other than CBT and I won’t be offered any sort of care, even medications, unless I agree to go through a course of CBT first.
I need help, but I lost years of my life to therapy and I don’t know how to avoid that happening again. CBT took me from having symptoms but functioning to having to spend 2 years not being able to even hold down a job. And the whole time I was told I was uncooperative and I needed to try harder. Again, this was across 6+ therapists, all of whom said they worked with childhood trauma. The only cure offered for my distress was more CBT (and DBT, which has the same fundamental problems for me). I was also encouraged in therapy to maintain and try to repair my relationship with my abuser, since my “cognitive distortions” were seen as the primary cause of my stress in that relationship.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve found therapy to be a so horrifically unsafe experience that I’m afraid going back will cause me to completely fall apart again. I think the fact that I experienced covert abuse by a female/same-sex abuser plays a large part. Often CBT techniques were used to downplay abuse, encouraging me to reframe instances of abuse as normal caring behavior and to maintain a relationship with my abuser. I might be open to a different treatment, but every time I’ve tried I’ve been told CBT/DBT are the only treatments available to me and that if I don’t want to do CBT then I don’t really want help at all.
Hi Jess, again, we find this all rather surprising as it goes against any code of ethics and is not at all the way most therapists handle a client with abuse issues. Sorry you had that experience.
The question remains – what do you do when you’re too traumatized to be able to handle therapy? The memories resurface instantly and strongly and I feel immediately so panicked I can’t think straight just by being in the context of a therapy appointment. This can all happen as soon as the first appointment and without any discussion of trauma at all. And it will get to the point where I have to quit therapy so I can keep it together enough to basically manage my life before it gets to the point of actually calming down. I feel like I’m at the point where I’m not able to get any help until I figure out a way past my issues all on my own.
I don’t think I was ever diagnosed as having childhood trauma. I had a brief abusive relationship as a young adult, but was at the time unaware that my childhood experiences were abnormal. When I started to bring it up in therapy, it was seen as another manifestation of my mental illness. So I was treated as though I was having irrational anxiety about my relationship with my mother as a result of the anxiety disorder I was diagnosed with. The same thing happened when I tried to express concerns about treatment; I was assured that therapy could be difficult but I needed to work through it to get better. At no point was the idea that I was expressing genuine problems rather than distorted negative thoughts considered. If anything, I was severely minimizing what had actually happened, but it was treated as though I was exaggerating due to my anxiety issues.
Hi Jess, we personally don’t think anyone is too truamatised to be able to benefit from therapy. What we do believe is that a client has to be willing to get better and move past the idea that they are too flawed to ever change, and then that the click has to be there. Therapy is a relationship, it can involve a few ‘bad dates’ before the right click happens and a you find a therapist and type of therapy that works for you. It also requires patience – we recommend at least 4 sessions before deciding if it’s working with a therapist. Finally, have you directly worked on your fear of therapy itself? This would be the first thing you should discuss if you have such a visceral reaction, along with immediately sharing that you feel unheard by other therapists, that you feel diminished, and that you want to be taken at face value. We’d put a quick mention of schema therapy in here- it focuses heavily on creating trust and safety in the therapist/client relationship. Or dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), which puts a strong emphasis on how to stabilise yourself and your emotions and reactions, and offers a lot of tools you can use yourself. DBT often includes a group component which might work for you – perhaps a group might feel less intense and stressful than one-on-one. Note there are other modalities some people recommend for trauma that are not about talking – somatic therapy hypnotherapy, neurofeedback, BWRT. We don’t offer these therapies and they are not evidence based so we can’t say anything about them, but it’s up to you to find what works for you personally. Good luck.
Im 14 and I think I was molested when I was little. I have a child molester in my family, that I have had multiple encounters with, and once spent the night with. My parents didn’t know he was a child molester, because my grandparents kept it a secret from them. I sometimes remember a hand holding my head against his crotch. This might have happened to my little sister too, because she suggested we play a game where we poked each other’s crotches, but that might have just been normal curiosity. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and serious depression. I self harm, and every time I do so I feel like I’m leaving my body. I have a lot of memories where I’m out of Body. I just wish I had clarity on the situation
Hi Jamie, we are sorry to hear all this. And we do know how you feel about wanting clarity. Everyone in the same boat as you feels the same, it’s natural human instinct to ‘want to know’ exactly what happened.But it’s simply not possible, unless someone invents a time machine. The most important thing you can do is work to shift your focus from ‘what happened’ to ‘how can I take care of myself and heal in the here and now, regardless of what happened’. We recommend you read our connected article as well about what to do next if you think you were abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse All the best, HT.
I don’t think the problem is that I’m “too flawed to ever change.” I think the problem is getting past the therapist’s biases. The damage done by bad therapy can’t be compared to a bad date at all – it’s an experience of finding even the professionals won’t believe that you or treat you like you’re just crazy for trying to talk about what’s actually happened. And I’ve found that in general therapists don’t want to really talk about fear of therapy unless you agree up front that it’s primarily your problem and you haven’t actually had genuine trauma caused or reinforced by therapists.
If I could get someone who was willing to be neutral and open about how systemic bias in therapy could lead to further harm to people like me, I would be willing to consider it. But so far I haven’t found anyone like that. If you have any advice that’s not just to keep trying at random and hope this one will help instead of recreating the trauma of disbelief again, I’m happy to hear it. But I don’t want to keep trying when my experience tells me that I’m more likely to be actively hurt than helped by professionals.
In our experience, any good therapist would happily talk about fear of therapy. But we aren’t here to make anyone continue therapy or tell anyone what to do. It’s up to you. You are also making big assumptions, but it’s clear they come from a lot of anger, which is understandable. But unfortunately, when we dismiss everything and everyone based on our bad experiences and paint everything with the same brush, we sometimes block any solution at all from arriving and push back anyone who does their best to help.
Have a lot of the symptoms listed above, but I have many unrelated issues that they could easily be attributed to. My main concern is that I have this horrible feeling that comes up when I am exposed to imagery of genitalia, especially in a medical context. I’m worried that this could be some sort of sexual abuse thing, but I’m not sure. My mother said/complained that she put me through around 20 daycares when I was very young because I kept getting kicked out. I remember about 5-6 of them. So there is easily space for missing time there. I have a lot of other space for missing time that something could have happened.
When in a sex ed type thing, we were shown these pictures of STDs, etc and I got this horrible feeling like I was going to pass out and I started panicking for seemingly no reason. i had to leave the room. Things like that episode of True Blood where Jason Stackhouse gets a priapism from ODing on vampire blood, give me a similar feeling (but not even close to as strongly because it’s not shown on screen). I got a mild urinary tract infection, and I couldn’t stand to look at websites with info about it. That same giddy/anxious/horrible feeling again. I don’t like porn with penises (or genitals in general) in them, etc.
I don’t understand where this aversion comes from. I just don’t know. Mostly don’t want to know, honestly…
Hi Will, worth talking to a counsellor about if it’s something you find very upsetting. Don’t worry about ‘not wanting to know’, as unless someone creates a time machine, most of us will never know exactly what or why, but counselling does help lower symptoms so you can drop the fear and phobia and feel better. Another idea would be to work with a certified hypnotherapist (not hypnotist! They are different) who can help lower the fear reaction.
Hi. How can I tell the difference between sexual abuse and sexual games between siblings and or cousins?
I’m scared to tell anyone including my husband that i was molested as a child. Neighbors son who was older and babysitting me. I was 9.. I remember wanting him to like me and going along with it till i got scared and i panicked knowing it was wrong. After that about a year later a church bus driver tried to stick his hand up my skirt as i walked by the church pews. He was later convicted of touching young girls. My memory is so foggy of both incidents like i try to remember but its grainy with only fear and disgust i feel. My stomach gets in knots like now just talking about it. I got pregnant young trying to please the boyfriend i had at the time. The horrible part is my first time I dont think was my first time. No pain small spot of blood. I was 15 with no experience but in back of my head was a voice saying i was dirty and that i wasnt a virgin. I have always since then let men treat and do what they wanted in sexual ways to me. No matter the pain or disgust. I just feel like that is only way to make them happy and to stay. Even with my husband of 8 years. I feel dirty afterwards. Especially if i orgasm. I cry sometimes and have to lie and say its contacts or eyelash. I lie to him so much about our sex life. Most of our sex life is me enjoying the first 3 minutes and then just the dread of wanting it over. I think bout suicide alot. My kids are the only reason I am still alive. I refuse to hurt them. I cant talk to my husband trust when i say he would never understand and would just scream or call me names and my marriage would be even worse than it is. He cheated on me few months back. Since then ive tried to forgive and give him another chance. He loves our kids and has dome everything i have asked of him. But now all the disgust and the memories are coming back. I had a nightmare last night my husband was the neighbors son and wouldnt stop touching me even when i begged him to stop. I know i have alot of issues. And this is more of a confessional i guess. Just helps talking after reading others comments about their life.
I don’t know if I was molested, I also can only remember one thing.
A family member and I were watching a video on his phone alone on the couch. He then placed my hand on his crotch and when I removed it quickly he took my hand again and placed it there once more. That’s all I remember and the thing I found weird is that I think it’s all in my head but every time he comes over to my house or if I see him at a party I avoid him and feel a bit anxious or weary. On the other hand, he just looks/talks to me awkwardly. its been 11 years and only about four years ago I remembered this memory but I never did before so I’m not sure if its all in my head or if this is real. I want to ask him but I don’t want to accuse him of something he might have never done.
I don’t know what to do, what would you recommend?
Is this possible?
Hi Perla, unless someone invented a time machine there is no way of knowing what happened or did not happen. We’d advise you read our guide to what to do if you feel you might have been abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse it outlines how to approach this.
Thanks for sharing all this. There’s an awful lot of judgement going on here. You seem to think you are dirty or wrong for being abused as a child. This happens when we are abused. We get caught up in cycles of self hatred. But think of it this way – at least 25% of people were abused. So imagine if someone else from that group of people confessed to you, or, say, a child came to you crying and confessed they had had this experience, would you treat them as dirty or wrong or bad? Or tell them that nobody would like or respect them now? So why are you telling yourself such things in your head? Wouldn’t you just tell that child that they are just someone who experienced something traumatic and unfortunate that had nothing to do with them personally and is not their fault? The other thing is the assumption you are making that your husband would think less of you for something that happened a long time ago and was totally out of your control as you were an innocent child. How is it you know for certain his response would be so horrible? He’s a father and an adult. Seems like you are not giving him any credit here, nor yourself, as would you really have married someone that terrible? We don’t know, but is it not even a bit possible that he might not reject you over this but be glad you are finally explaining why you are unable to connect? Finally, this is all stopping you from being honest with those you’d love and tormenting you to a strong degree. We’d highly, highly recommend you reach out for help. These sorts of issues are not life sentences if we don’t let them be, therapy can go a very long way in helping you find your self esteem again and separate these horrible narratives controlling your mind, relationships, and life from the person you really are. Don’t you deserve at least that?
Hi Ana, there is no easy answer here. The more important question is, now do you feel about it now, as an adult? If you feel uncomfortable, upset, or sad it happened, then treat it as important and talk to a counsellor.
Hi, i remember being 11 years old when this happened but before i remember that my mother and him had an argument in which he yelled at me that i wasnt his daughter.. like he didnt care how i felt about it a couple months after my mother was at work n my brothers were in their room playing a video game n he was watching a action movie a Jean Claude Van Damme one . I was in my brothers n my bedroom i was listening to music really
Low because i wasnt allowed to listen to music only Christian type and i was sewing my pillow . He could see me from the living room . I guess the movie was over n he started walking towards the room so i turned the radio off n he was like what are you doing? N closed the door n sat on the bed n asked me to sit beside him so i did he rubbed my leg with his hand up and down up and down i was scared i dont know why . I remember asking myself is this normal ? . Then he asked me to sit on his lap so i did i had shorts on n he kept touching my legs i remember him saying something but i dont remember what . I got up to open the door n he grabbed me from behind n he hugged me i covered my breastn he forces his hands on my breast n said in my ear they are growing i was speechless i was scared i wanted to cry but all that was going through my head was wishing someone would help me the windows closed the door closed then i just threw his arms off me looked at him n opened the door n went with my brothers . My mom came home from work n i remember running towards her n telling her i needed to talk to her i was scared . We went in the bathroom n locked the door i was telling her what happened in a whisper n he kept yelling to open the door n what we were talking about n why were we both inside n taking so long . She said she would talk to him i guess she did n she came to my bed i was awake waiting she hugged me and told me it was a misunderstanding i cried myself to sleep repeating in my head a misunderstanding..i dont like no one to see my body i hate the light on … my first relationship i had a daughter and i was abused verbally n physically my second relationship i had a son i was not treated like i was enough i felt like i was invisable he is a good father but i was not in the picture .. i feel like i loose it sometimes and i need to see what to do because i have two kids .. n i have this other thing that i keep wanting to get pregnant like a desire but i know i shouldnt but i ask myself why i feel the desire too be pregnant ?
Creyci, what a hard experience. And it’s awful that back in the day these things were overlooked by the law, but now, thankfully, the law has changed around what constitutes abuse and this even legally now qualifies as abuse (which it is and always was). It wasn’t a misunderstanding, it was a man sexually assaulting a child. What stands out to us as the real trauma here, however, is that you then had the courage to tell your mother who said she’d take care of it and instead she called it a misunderstanding, implying she didn’t believe you, didn’t support you. That could cause a huge sense of worthlessness and a feeling of being abandoned in a child. Like, as you say, you were ‘invisible’. We’d highly recommend you seek support over this. As you can see it’s created a pattern in your life where you feel diminished and unworthy and then choose relationships that prove that. A counsellor will create a non judgmental space for you to process all this emotional pain and learn to raise your self esteem. If you are on a low budget, read our article on how to find low cost counselling for ideas http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy.
What if u think u might have been molested but u don’t remember everything and sometimes u forget prices until something makes u remember and the person who did it was always drunk so u don’t know if they remember and there sober now and each totally different around u,because I remember he used to touch my thies and he used to tickle me under my skirt or dress but he’d put his hand a little too high up and it felt like he was rubing my vagina and he always offered me a drink so I soon became his drinking buddy and There was this one time I was in the dinning room looking out the window and I was only wearing a shirt and underwear and I felt something a little wet and warm touch my back and when I turned back around he was fixing his underwear so I don’t really know what happened there and I was looking at the symptoms that are listed and I have almost all of them and I can only masturbate to forced to fuck porn and daddy forces daughter porn and every time I watch it I start to cry unconciusly like there’s a tear but I’m not aware of it until it starts streaming down my face and I feel really bad after I’m done watching my porn and through out most of my memories about stuff like that I start to lose memory or the memory gets blury
Hi there, sorry to hear all this. We’d recommend that you raed our other article about ‘what to do if you think you were abused’. http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. Take care.
Hi, I’m a seventeen-year-old girl who has suffered many mental illnesses. I’m about to start my life to find myself unprepared and unable to even do daily activities. A year ago I was diagnosed with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). I have had physical trauma from my family members along with lots of mental and emotional trauma from manipulation and punishments, along with sexual abuse from my fellow classmates before I could even understand what it was. I currently have seven other alters who all have different symptoms and fear when it comes to sexual activities. Including OCD, PTSD, Depression, and so much more, but what I found strange, was my extreme disgust of the thought of sex. From a young age, I have a fear of large crowds, a group of guys anywhere around me, and older men with facial hair. I never in a million years would have thought about getting raped… But I had a dream…and I can’t get this extreme fear and anxiety and somewhat of a face out of my head. I have always been getting sick with common colds, stomach viruses, and just about everything else that exists, my life has honestly not been the best. Getting raped, I cannot admit to myself that this is a possibility, but…if this is really what happened, and it’s haunting me without any memory of it, I think I just need an experts opinion, I’m at my last breath here. If you have any advice or any thoughts that I might have been raped please respond back.
Hi Elisia, thanks for sharing all this. Sounds tough. Give yourself some credit for your resilience and for doing your best with all this. As for the rape, we unfortunately can’t diagnose anyone based on a comment, for starters. That takes knowing someone. But also, unless we or someone else had a time machine, there is nobody who can tell you if you were or weren’t raped. We often can just never know what happened, the only thing we can be sure of is if we have symptoms that need our attention. So we’d just say we assume you are with a therapist already, and this is really something to bring to the table in sessions. The safety of the therapy room and a good therapist who can help you navigate this memory and look at ways to handle symptoms is what matters. Finally, we think you’ll find our connected article on what to do if you think you were abused a useful read http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. We wish you continuing courage with all of this. All the best, HT
Hello.
I am a 16 year old girl and there’s something that have bothered me for quite a while now. I have always had this memory of my dad ”sexually abusing” me. Or at least that is what I would call it if I remember it correctly. I knew it was wrong but since I still live with him I just never thought much of it.
Sometimes something would remind me of it but I’d just push it away again I think. But then not a long time ago I got mad at my dad for some reason. And it went on for a long time. In that time I started to think more and more of that memory from when I was younger. So here I am. Still wondering if it actually happened or not. I also remember thinking more of sexual things than I should in such a young age so that might’ve been connected to that. I am also a very anxious person who isn’t very keen of socializing too much. I also remember having a low self esteem for a really long time. I specifically remember comparing my legs to someone I saw on the tv multiple times when I was quite young. So I have always been conscious of my appeareance.
But I am just not sure of whether it actually happened. Because he is my dad and he lives here and we seem to have a normal relationship now. So I am just confused… I don’t know what answer I am looking for exactly but I just wanted to write it somewhere. Even though it is quite scary for me.
Hi Nathalie, sorry to hear you are feeling upset and are confused. We don’t have an easy answer…as the article talks about, unless we had a time machine, many of us never know what did and didn’t happen. It is entirely possible that our brains make things up. It is equally entirely possible that our brains repress things that happened. What matters here is ore that you are suffering anxiety and seem unhappy. That alone is worth seeking support over. Is there a trusted adult you can talk to about your anxiety or a counsellor at school? We also recommend you read our connected article on what to do if you think you are abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse
Hi,
Recently an event happened that triggered a lot of flashbacks to happen to me… these flashbacks were of various traumatic events that have happened throughout my life, but I’ve also been getting a lot of flashbacks to being raped and sexually assaulted… the thing is, I don’t have any memory of anything like this having happened to me. I keep thinking I’m going crazy, but when I thought about it a little it actually made a lot of sense… for example, I’ve been very scared of men I don’t know, to the point that if I was out in public (bear in mind this is in a busy public place, in daylight and the men I have been afraid of were not acting at all suspiciously), I would cross the road or change the route I was walking completely to avoid this man as in my mind the first thought I always have is that they are going to rape me.
Also, sexual assault, rape etc. has been a subject that has made me very distressed and in the past I would have what I now realise to be low key flashbacks to being raped or sexually assaulted. My psychiatrist has also asked me before if I had been abused when I was younger as he feels that psychiatrically, my presentation is very common in people who have experienced abuse when they were young. I’m also very scared of doing anything sexual, despite wanting to be in a relationship, even the thought of it makes me quite frightened.
Most of the things I have written thus far I can find alternative reasons as to why it could be an issue in my life, but there’s one thing I’m finding hard to explain in another way. When I was young, about 5, I used to have these nightmares in which I would be sexually abused and hurt if I didn’t do what the person wanted me to do. I’m struggling to understand where a five year old would have gotten any sort of understanding of these kinds of things. My parents were very careful of what they exposed us to when we were young. I did think about the possibility of overhearing someone talk about this or maybe accidentally seeing something in the media when I was young, but I feel that these nightmares were far to graphic for me to have gotten from something someone said. Even TV shows I may watch now… rarely actually show any sexual abuse, rather imply it and the audience understands what is going on, so where a five year old would have seen this kind of things, I don’t know. I also have a lot of gaps in my childhood and remember little to nothing of some parts.
I’m understand that you are unable to tell me whether or not I was sexually abused or not, but I’m just unsure off what to do… I guess I just wanted to know if this all sounds really crazy or if it’s something that could be worth bringing up with my therapist.
Thanks for reading.
Hi there, great to hear you have support and a therapist. Now the point of having a therapist is to bring up anything at all that is troubling you. So the question we ask is, why WOULDN’T you bring this up? Is it because you don’t trust your therapist? If so, you two need to discuss that as well, as it can be super useful to the process as well as your growth on trust issues. Otherwise, go read our adjoining article, what to do if you worry you’ve been abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. Hope that helps. Best, HT
Hi, I’ve just been reading some of the comments and I feel I share some common feelings amongst others. I want to keep my name and identity private but would like a little bit of advice… I’ve been seeing a counselor lately and I opened up to her about something I have never told another soul before. I’m 27 years old now and when I was around 6 or 7 I french kissed my brother… I had completely forgotten that it had happened only to have the memory flood back to my mind again when I was around 20. It was like a huge sting of shame that swept over me from it and I have probably thought about it almost every day since. It makes me feel sick to my stomach… Why had I done it? What had I put my brother through? Has it affected him going forward in his life? He’s a very anxious person and was growing up to the point he used to throw up on regular occasions from being anxious… I remember him saying to stop at the time and I think I asked him whether we could do it once a year at Christmas for some reason and call it “the thing” to which I think he said yes out of fear. I don’t ever remember it happening again and I also don’t remember how I felt at the time. Whether I did it out of curiosity or what I don’t know. I remember that my friend, who was a couple of years older than me at the time, maybe 8, had done the same to me in my bed a while before this had happened with my brother and I remember feeling really confused so maybe I tried it out on my brother after wards? Who knows… However, after reading all of the indicators of sexual abuse above I pretty much tick all of the boxes and have had this concerning thought clouding my mind for a while now as to whether I was infact sexually abused as a child? The couselor I spoke to about this said it would have just been out of curiosity but this doesn’t explain my behaviours over the years especially towards men. How would I find out whether I had been abused? What if I find out it was with someone I love dearly like a family member? I’d really appreciate any kind of help. Thanks
I got sexually I abused as a child but I never talked to anyone about it. Because I was scared. I still am. At the time I was scared to tell my mom since he was a relative. I was a kid back then maybe 4 or 5 or 6. Somewhere in-between. There were his little brothers and mine in the house and he sent them to play. I was just a kid so I didn’t know anything about sex or child abusing. I didn’t have any knowledge in the time. Just that our country’s people, family and in schools they taught us that we should keep ourselves clean ( sexually ) and not touch or anything with the other sex. That once a girl gets dirty, she remains dirty. But at the time I didn’t realize what he was planing to do. He touched me. And he forced me to do but I didn’t . I said I didn’t like what he was doing. I was scared. I wanted to cry and scream help but no one was in the house. Only kids, and they too were not in the house and we’re playing outside. I thought of telling my mom many times. But I couldn’t ever. His mom was my mom’s aunt. And he showed himself such a great man to everyone. I thought that even if I tell anyone, they won’t believe me. I was scared what will happen to their and our family since they were close. Whenever my parents talked about him being such a nice guy or anything I truly hated it. They even thought of marrying my own aunt to that disgusting and shameless man. I’m relieved my aunt cancelled and said she didn’t want to marry him. If she did that, we’d become even more close and who knows what was waiting for me in the future. I still hate him and have fear of him. This is the first time I opened up about it. I’m 17. I still have nightmares of him. I’m scared we meet again. Because we are going to travel to the same place he with his family is going. I’m afraid of meeting/seeing him again. I know I’m grown up now and I don’t need to be scared but still it’s like a nightmare to me. What should I do? I don’t have anyone that I can trust in this since I come from a small country and narrow minded people. I’m afraid they’ll judge me. I’m not deciding to tell anyone, but even if I tell my mom in the future, I’m not sure she’ll believe me since they always thought of that man very highly. And I don’t have any evidence. I might even loose my importance in the family and everywhere. I’ve been living with the guilt and shame and fear all this time. And I have no one to take advice from or tell. I don’t know what to do. Is it okay to keep living? And be happy living my life? (sometimes..) Can I be quiet about it? Will it ever be okay?
Hi there, first of all, 17 is still very young. It’s very normal to feel all sorts of confusing feelings. To feel shame and guilt even when you did nothing wrong. And yes of course it’s ok to keep living and to be happy sometimes. Please do!!! You are actually far from alone. At least one in four children experiences abuse of some kind. It’s just that it’s still sadly not talked about enough. But try to realise each time you are on, say, a bus, there are others on that bus who have been through the same thing. That it’s not just you, hopefully that helps you feel less alone with it, even if you have nobody to talk to. It’s hard to hear that you feel that you can’t talk to anyone. Have you googled to see if your country has any kind of support? Even many small countries now have charities and hotlines set up to help women who have been abused. Are you sure your mother would not believe you and judge you? Is there anyone else at all who could help? A teacher or other relative you trust? If not, if you are sure it would make things worse for you,then use internet groups and forums to connect with people in privacy who do understand, and do your best to get through to a point you are an actual adult with a job and independence and then please do reach out for professional support in the form of counselling. Abuse causes long term issues with trust and self identity, and it’s important to work to heal it. You might also find our connected article interesting “I think I was abused as a child – what now?” http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. We wish you courage!
Hi there. We are sorry to hear you are experiencing so much anxiety about this. But glad you have been speaking to a counsellor. It’s actually very common for children to experiment a little with each other. And if you had had something done to you, to then do it to another child. Note you did not do it out of bad intent. You were a child. Enacting something you’d seen or experienced. As you can see in the article and comments, you can’t ‘find out’ if you were abused unless someone builds a time machine. And there is as much a chance you weren’t as were. In fact another child kissing and doing things to you can be seen by your brain as a sort of trauma and cause the same symptoms, it can have caused all your symptoms like shame, fear around being touched, etcetera. The only thing you can do is work on the symptoms and on finding peace through things like counselling, like you are doing. If you still feel anxious about this all, you need to tell the counsellor, and keep talking about it. If you don’t feel like their feedback works for you, you need to say so and go deeper. You are the paying client. You can challenge what your therapist says, you don’t have to agree. For example, you might want to unpack this memory, to see if more happened between you and the other child that is at the root of all this. Finally, what is your relationship with your brother now? Have you talked to your counsellor about one day talking about this with your brother? When you are ready, if it is a strong relationship now you can be open in, and if that feels useful? Best, HT
Hey, I’m 29 years old now. The older I get the more I’m concerned about weather or not I was sexually abused. When I was really very young before I was even in double digits in age I use to draw terrible pictures that depicted obvious sexual abuse it would normally be a picture of a child with clothes cut open or completely naked tied down or chained up with an equally exposed other person normally a taller person the child would normally be crying or begging them to stop. My parents sent me to therapy after finding my drawings and when either the therepists or my parents asked me why I drew these things I would reply I Don’t know and really didn’t know why my mind was a complete blank and I still to this day have no earthly idea of why I drew those things when I honestly had no knowledge of anything dipicted in those drawings
Hi there. Some kids draw wild things and many kids have sexual curiosity and thoughts. It doesn’t necessarily mean they were abused. It could come from all sorts, from TV you watched, snippets of conversations you oversaw, the cover of a magazine. Children are total sponges. If you aren’t suffering any other symptoms then try not to judge or shame yourself as it’s really nothing to be ashamed of.
I thought something was odd about the things I get sexually stimulated over until I was 50 and I began having night tremors and would wake up with vivid memories of being sexually abused as a child.
That sounds tough Mark. We think you’ll find our connected piece on what to do if you feel you’ve been abused useful http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse
I am 14 years old and I am very confused hahah. I am pretty aware of what is considered sexual assault and how it applies to me but at the same time I feel like I am just over exaggerating it to give myself some sort of sympathy. When I was 7 or 8 or maybe younger I’m not sure, my older sisters friend who is a very close family friend and I were down on the trampoline at the back of our house alone. It was just us two which was unusual because we normally weren’t that close as he was three years older and my sisters best friend. Anyway he started saying we should play a game. I can’t remember what it was called but I know it was something to do with him telling me to do stuff and then I do it and visa Versa it was like dares but different. We started off with simple stuff and then he said let’s go into the cubby house, he found paddle pop sticks and told me to put it up my bum. I didn’t want to and said it was silly, he told me that if I didn’t he wouldn’t let my sister shoot his knew gun which I knew she really wanted to and he said that she would never forgive me. I was scared so I went with him,I didn’t want my parents to come down and see us because I knew something wasn’t right. He did it to himself and then told me to turn around and forced it up my bum, he kept going further and further trying to see how far, until I kind made a noise and he stopped I’m not sure how or what I did but he could tell I was scared and upset. He then told me not to tell anyone or else my sister wouldn’t get to use the gun and kept going on about how mad she would be at me. Anyway both of our parents came down and I immediately started crying. My dad was concerned and asked me what had happened so I told him a tiny bit of what had happened and didn’t go in to much detail he got very mad and yelled at the boy so him and his mum left. I blocked it out of my memory for so long because I was embarrass and only really remembered it at the start of this year. Although I don’t blame him or think he did it on purpose i just think he was a stupid boy. After writing this it sounds like abuse but I still feel like it’s not that big of a deal and I should just forget about it.
Hi Sam, this experience was obviously very traumatic for you as a child, hence you can’t forget about it and it’s resurfaced. Which means that your brain feels now is the time to process the upset around this. While it would be easy to just brush it off as ‘not a big deal’, or try to logically understand, that won’t really work. It’s important to let yourself feel what you need to feel here, and let the emotions come out. Children often do play sexual games with other children. But they unfortunately can also, particularly if they were abused themselves, then act out abuse on other kids, on purpose. In this case it was quite an aggressive physical experience for you, and quite bullying, cruel, manipulative and scary, as opposed to curiosity and play, so yes, a real assault. And your brain has obviously registered it as a big trauma.The positive part about this experience, as far as healing goes, is that your parent believed you and defended you. So you aren’t struggling with wondering if the memory is true as some others do, and you did get support and believed. So it might be a case of talking it through with a trusted friend or adult. But if it’s actually something you think about more and more, and it’s starting to affect your daily life, we’d actually suggest a few sessions with a counsellor. Because of your age you’d need to get your parents approval – read our article on how to talk to parents about mental health here http://bit.ly/talktoparents
I am an adult female who was molested by my mother, and I am trying to find literature about this gender specific. Any references would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Please keep my name confidential.
Hi Anonymous, it’s a topic that deserves more attention. We are afraid what you’ll find with an internet search is really as much as we’d know about. We hope the topic comes to the forefront soon. Best, HT
I am almost certain that I was sexually abused as a child. I cannot remember anything but my body does. By that I mean I have known From a very young age (5 years old) about sex in great detail. I acted out sexually from that age on. I make impulsive sexual decisions that I regret immediately. I have nightmares of me being raped or having to watch a loved one being raped. I can remember my earliest nightmare was around 12. I feel the grime from the nightmares crawl down my spine for days after and they always feel very real. I was also born in Africa Sierra Leone during the blood diamond war where rape by far was one of the most utilitized weapon. I still wonder if I’m exaggerating. because I have no recollection of something actually happening I don’t know how to talk about what I am feeling or who to tell. I am especially concerned about accidentally implicating did not happen. I do not want to invalidate other peoples experience by turning out to be wrong or having made it up.
I’m not sure if you are still replying as this article is over 3 years old, but I could use some advice. I am a 16 year old girl. I recently read an article about a teenaged Disney star who was sexually abused by executives for several years. I was horrified, as anyone would be, but I just could not stop thinking about it. My mind immediately went back to a man I used to study acting with. I’ll call him Bill. For probably about two years I would have private lessons to study acting with Bill, and we were completely alone in the upstairs of his garage most of the time. I feel like most of what I remember from this time of my life is from pictures. The rest is very foggy. But I do remember being scared of Bill. I didn’t like the way he looked at me, or the way he leaned in too close when he talked to me. I do remember one time where I had just finished performing a scene where I had to be crying. I vaguely remember him yelling at me to make me cry. After I finished, he sat me on his lap and held me like a little girl. I remember him whispering things in my ear and asking if he could kiss me on the cheek. He did so without waiting for a response. Another time, I was performing a scene and kept messing up the lines. I remember Bill getting really close to me and sort of caressing my hair, tucking it behind my ear. He said in a soft voice, even though we were completely alone, “Just between you and me, you’re doing a much better than *name of other student*.” When my mom recalls when I stopped working with him, she said that my decision was very abrupt and final and she worried something like sexual abuse had happened. I told her nothing happened, because as far as I remember, nothing did happen. Also during this period in my life, I was very closed off, especially towards my family. I was moody and got angry very easily and very self-conscious. I wouldn’t let my mother touch me. I’ve always blamed this on “tween angst.” Still, being physically close with my parents, or any adults really, can make me uncomfortable. I am more confused than I’ve ever been. I don’t know if I’m completely repressing something horrible that happened to me, or if Bill was just a creepy guy and I’m reading too much into this. I don’t know if I should mention something to my mom. I don’t want her to feel guilty or bad for me when I don’t even know if anything happened. But I don’t want to go on never knowing for sure and being confused.
Anicka we are sorry to hear all this. We are going to link you to our adjoining article, what to do if you think you’ve been abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. It’s less about ‘proving’ or ‘knowing’, unless we find a time machine we can’t. And more about working with symptoms and what feels true to you. To let you know that symptoms of trauma can also manifest by proxy, in other words by seeing or hearing about another’s abuse. For example, the daughter of a mother who was raped and talks about it non stop can start to develop symptoms herself. So you might have also taken on a lot of symptoms from living through such a difficult war.
Hi Liz, unfortunately we can never ‘know’ a lot of the time unless we find a time machine. Many of us never have clear memories. But to let you know that it sounds like he was manipulating and intimidating you, knowing you were a nervous young girl and choosing to push all your buttons and overstep healthy boundaries. And doing inappropriate things like having you on his lap, well. All this alone is traumatic and scary and enough to create any of the symptoms you are talking about, without it having gone further. We’d suggest you read our adjoining article on what to do if feel abused and see it gives you some ideas on how to move forward here http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse
My mother would come into my bed at night, when I was little and touch me all over. I didnt know why that I felt like that was okay with my friends; when I was young. That continued for years. My mother would say things that i need to be stimulated. My body has been unproportional and im handicapped. She never bought medicine or got me real help. Whenever I told I didnt feel right she said thats fine. Then years after couldnt help always needing to have orgasms or do something. The doctors and therapists told me to shut up all the time so I never went back. I did poorly in school. In high school years my friends were never friendly and I didn’t know why. Now my mother wont stop harassing me, im 38. She follows me all over the states and wont stop mind controlling me. Telling me i need sex and she will satify me. Is it right to get restraining order?
How do you stop feeling like you need it to relax?
Hi Cate, we are surprised to hear that therapists told you to ‘shut up’ as that is against the ethical standards any registered therapist is held to. Any proper therapist would take this all very seriously. What you are describing is indeed sexual abuse. We would suggest you seek the help of a therapist you feel comfortable around and who listens to you, as it sounds a very overwhelming experience that would be hard for anyone to navigate alone.
I know I was sexually abused by a family friend and later my best friends dad. I am in no doubt whilst I don’t have complete memories (remember the beginning of each incident the first touch but don’t remember it stopping them leaving). I’ve been in therapy and it helped about 15 years ago I had a bad time couldn’t stop thinking about certain memories felt experiences in my body which caused me a lot of distress but I have no visual memory just things like being on a water bed – some one on top of me or behind me touching me. I felt it was my dad and was and still am desperately wanting that to be not true. I took part in the Truth Project project 2 yrs ago and the terrible feelings/ thoughts came back I was terrified they’d ask about my dad that I would say something. They are getting stronger but still no actual evidence or memory. I struggle as I don’t understand why I can remember bits clearly about the other two men – yet these feeling/thoughts terrify me it’s so intense I feel so bad, I’m terrified I’ve made it up, lying. I can’t actual say out loud what my fear is it’s hard to write. I don’t know if this is normal. My parents aren’t even alive anymore yet I feel if I try to talk I’ll be punished.
Hi Tracey, two things – first, read our article on ‘What to do if you think you’ve been abused’ as it might have helpful information. http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse Second, you say you tried therapy and it helped. And yet you are still evidently living your life from a space of severe anxiety and maybe complex PTSD. What kind of therapy was it? How long did you stick it out for? We’d suggest you read our article on what types of therapy do and don’t work for trauma http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma Best, HT
Thank you for the reply. I’ve been in therapy on/ off over 18 years (maybe 18mth break – not always weekly) recently just done 20 weeks trauma therapy with Manchester Rape – it seems a lot to me. The main bulk off therapy was with a Transactional Analysis Therapist – took me a long time to open up – have dealt with family friend and my best friend dad. It’s just these body sensations, feeling ill a lot more and these dreadful body memories. Have had 4 therapists. Trauma therapy made me realise its highly likely my dad abused me or at least another person. I feel like I’m giving the past life oxygen to breathe grow bigger part of me wants to box it away forever but that seems to be getting harder. I’m scared i will lose myself – won’t be able to or want to function.
Hi Tracey, it’s surprising to us that 18 years of therapy have not seemed to have helped or left you feeling stable and resourceful, but we don’t know your full story, obviously, or who the therapists you worked with were. If talking hasn’t worked, perhaps research therapies that can help trauma which are less focused on talking, like EMDR, clinical hypnosis and somatic therapy.
Hi, I’m 13 and reading other people’s experiences made me remember something that happened to me not too long ago. I was in 6th grade, and there was this boy, who liked me. We were good friends, and when he said he had a crush on me, at first I felt kind of flattered. But then he started making comments about my body, and staring at me awkwardly. One day at school, as we were walking, the boy, who I’ll call A., tried to put his hand up my shirt. I was so startled that I almost fell down the stairs. This one teacher, who was super smart and I really admired, saw the whole thing. She asked me during class if there was anything I wanted to talk to her about. I said no because I knew what she was referring to and I was embarrassed. A. and I would walk around the school holding hands, and he would kiss me in public. I was upset that my first kiss was with someone who made me uncomfortable. My friends made fun of me, but they weren’t being mean, and they wouldn’t have done it if they knew what was actually happening. They thought I actually liked him. Meanwhile A. began telling everyone that I was his girlfriend, and rumors began circulating that I was a slut.
Then one day during lunch, A. said he had a “surprise” for me. He led me to the bathroom, where he groped me and shoved his “thing” in my mouth. Afterwards, I threw up, trying to get rid of the awful taste. Both the English teacher I admired and the Science teacher I kind of had a bit of a crush on saw A. come out of the boys’ bathroom, followed by me, crying. The science teacher asked why I was in the boys’ restroom and whether I had a “good time” in there. He then winked at me, and the English teacher just about exploded. She said that she knew I was a victim of sexual abuse, and how the science teacher was acting was inapropriate. I can’t remember what happened next, but I think she sent A. to the office or something and they were going to call my parents. I freaked out and somehow convinced them not to and nothing was happening. My english teacher kept trying to “reach out.” I moved away and whenever anyone talks about sex, I feel REALLY uncomfortable. I made a good friend in my new town and I told her everything. She said that even though when he asked me if I wanted to do stuff with him I said no, because I didn’t tell him to stop while it was happening, it wasn’t sexual abuse. I have nightmares about him in that bathroom, and I’m afraid of going to the restroom at school. This isn’t about memory, since I remember everything very clearly, but is what my friend said true?
Hi there. Exact definitions of sexual abuse and sexual assault are related to the law, they have changed over time, and change by country. Many of us have unwanted sexual experiences with our peers when an adolescent because we have confused ideas about what we are ‘supposed’ to do and allow, which can come from the media, from peer pressure, or from experiences as a child where adults didn’t allow us to set boundaries, or even from sexual abuse as a child. But this is your life, not a court case. Exact labels are less important than getting support. If for you it was traumatic, and you are upset about it, then that means it is important to find some support and help to work through this.
When I was 5 i had a boyfriend who would make me do things with him all the time, and recently i cant figure out if it was sexual abuse or not. The guy was the same age as us, and he would make me do these things through the entire time we were together. (5 years)
Hi Nova, we aren’t sure if you have made a typo putting the number 5 and meant 15? Or if you mean you had a childhood friend for 5 years? Children are sexually curious and many children play out sexual games with other children. What matters here is not the label but how it has affected you. Do you currently have symptoms or issues you feel are related? If so it’s important to seek proper support to work through them. Best, HT.
What can I do? I won’t get help from anywhere. Nobody seems to know how to help me. My life is very awful. Everywhere is said, get help from this and that, but I’ve been running in for 10 years now, even more, and nobody helps with my deep issues. No-one seems to have the professionalism and needed actions I would need. (I’m not from Uk.) And really I do not want this txt to be published, I would just be glad to receive professional really smart help.
As your post is anonymous we are going to post it as we feel the response can hep many. And as we are taking the time to answer this we prefer to invest in something that touches others too.
Abuse leaves a deep and powerful unconscious belief that we are beyond help. Whether you know it or not, you will be making decisions to prove that belief right. It will drive everything. Even your perspective. For example, when you meet a therapist, where is your attention, honestly? On finding all their faults, on scanning for any nuances to show they are ‘just like the others’, on trying to find evidence they are not trustworthy? Or on looking at ways they do seem to know what they are doing, seem genuinely interested in helping, and are doing their best at their job. So you might want to start by identifying and working to change core beliefs.
Abuse also decimates trust. When our trust is decimated we can either shut people out or rush blindly at others, trusting so fast we then panic. Don’t expect to trust or like a therapist when you would never trust or like anyone else at first glance. Simply look for a therapist you can grow to trust over time.
Abuse also throws you into victim mode. You against the world. we recommend you do some research on that, we have some useful articles on it http://bit.ly/stopbeingvictimized. Stepping out of victim mode means we realise we have power, power to decide to get better.
Abuse means we secretly want to be saved and seek a saviour and reject those who don’t meet this requirement as ‘not good enough’. There are no saviours. The only one who can save you is you. There is no therapist with the magical answer to ‘fix’ you. They are just people, with flaws like anyone else. You are the only one who can fix you. A therapist is just there to listen, to reflect back, and help you find your own inner resources.
Abuse means we reject others as deep down we are angry that once we felt so rejected and un helped. We reject friends, colleagues, partners, and yes, therapists. Nobody is good enough. Of course deep down we secretly think we aren’t good enough.
Be wary of the type of therapy you are trying. Abuse can lead to long term complex trauma, and certain types of therapy will just trigger you over help you. Read our article on therapies that actually work for trauma http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma
And give up any idea therapy is easy or supposed to feel good. For therapy to work the one thing you have to do is stick it out. When it’s hard. when you hate your therapist. When you feel hopeless and enraged. It’s a process, like any relationship. If you keep running from one therapist to the next you’ll never see results.
You do not have to believe any of this. You can spend your whole life convinced it is hopeless. But that is a choice you are actually making. What are the real chances that of all the therapists in the world, you remain the one special person who can’t help? Is that more realistic? Or is the above more realistic. Up to you. It’s in your hands, and it always has been.
Hi. I don’t know whether I may have been abused as a young girl or not. But I do however remember being told by my stepdad that he use to put me in the “naughty chair” when I wasn’t behaving. What is a naughty chair can someone tell me please? I also remember sitting on his lap when I was younger and telling him that I wished he was my real dad .
If someone could explain to me what a naughty chair is because recently in the last few months I don’t know why but when I see chairs I just end up asking if it’s my naughty chair and it upsets me. I also have a dislike to my stepdad and felt uncomfortable around him on a few occasions.. I do also have the illness called paranoia schizophrenia. The thing is my memory is actually quite good but whether I could of been molested I can’t say ?as sometimes people suppress or block out certain things that happen in their life.
Many thanks,
Terri
Hi Terri, we are sorry you feel so worried and upset about this. A naughty chair is a term used by some parents just to mean a chair a child takes a time out in if they have been disobedient. It has no relation to child abuse, it’s just used as a way to discipline a child for bad behaviour. Many children are affectionate with stepparents and wish they were real parents. That’s okay too. We can’t say what did and didn’t happen in your past. But these are not signs of abuse, if that makes you feel better.
Hi, I remember nothing about my childhood. Everyone talks about primary school and all the memories they have of their time then but I dont remember anything except the building and one memory of my friend and I running inside. My mum has expressed a worry about sexual abuse once but that’s it. She said she has been worried about if I was abused when I was little because I was always really shy and I was especially scared when it came to older men. I’ve gotten a little bit better now but I’m still awkward with my dad but I think that’s just cause we dont talk much. I’m mostly afraid of my dads friend and coworker who hes been friends with since they came to this town before I was born. Hes my friends dad and I’ve always felt terrible and shy near him. I also am pretty sure I’m asexual and I feel physically sick when I think about having sex with someone else but I am able to masturbate. Theres no real therapist in my town as far as I know except all the outreach centers but I know everyone working there and dont feel safe going there. Theres a counselor at school but they have to notify my parents if they think something’s really wrong and i dont feel comfortable with them knowing really
Hi Isla, that’s hard that you don’t feel there is anyone to talk to. What we’d recommend is a hotline. If you are in the UK or USA there are free, confidential helplines for young people, you can find out about the ones in the UK here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines . As for remembering childhood, many people don’t remember primary school or being young, it’s not unusual not to have strong memories of 7 and under, and is not in itself a sign there was abuse, nor is being shy or asexual. Some people are just naturally asexual, or demisexual, or develop attraction for others far later in life. The idea that is a teen we are supposed to be attracted to everyone and fall in love is a myth created by Hollywood, and far from the truth. So you might just be a normal teen going through a rough patch, that is possible, being a teen is hard! Best, HT.
i dreamt for around 10 years about a wolve or creature who tickles me, that the feeling was painfull and terrible. i became a teenager and that dreamt was gone, replaced by somebody always chaising me, trying to hurt me, cut me, kill me, voices. I have had nightmare my entire life, i have been several times in therapy, i just can not remember mostly nothing from my child hood. After the last therapy under hypnsosis, tickle dreams came back and i am always at my uncles house or he is very often in my dreams. Does this mean something? all the tests psychologist have made doesnt shown or suggest sexual abuse, but i am starting to panicking i need to know what this tickles mean. can you give an opinion
Hi Natalia, we can’t give an informed opinion unless you were a client we worked with over several sessions and we knew you well, it would be damaging and unethical to give an opinion otherwise. People are all unique and one detail like this could mean so many things. Dreams in and of themselves are not however symptom of sexual abuse, nor is thoughts of tickling, but a therapist would look at what other symptoms you have. Best, HT.
I have memories of my older sister (she’s four years older than me) having me touch her vagina. We were in the garage and were kind of hiding behind a standing tool box. I remember asking her “why she had hair on hers” and her telling me to “just touch it”. On another occasion we were in bed, and she kept rubbing her hand over my crotch. I have always been very sexually aware, and began masturbating at a very young age. In my family, and I have always felt fortunate for my upbringing, we do NOT talk about sex, I don’t know if my catholic upbringing has anything to do with that. Even when I began menstruating and tried to talk to my mother about it, she didn’t believe me, wouldn’t discuss it, and I just had to learn to use what we had for supplies on my own.
I have had experiences with cousins touching each other, showing each other our intimate body parts, watching porn and not always understanding what was happening in it. These instances began when we were still in elementary school. As a teenager there was only one guy – he was 20, I was 16 – that I got close to. On two different occasions we were kissing, he laid me down and got on top of me, stroking me, and I would panic or just freeze. After he realized I wasn’t going to sleep with him, he had sex with my best friend. I am in my 30’s now, I am overweight, and struggle with self-esteem and trust issues. I have never had a steady relationship with a guy even though I am attracted to men. When I crush, I crush hard, but that’s as far as it goes. I’m just not comfortable enough to truly get to know them. Hugging and certain touching makes me very uncomfortable – even with family – and I am still a virgin – I have shocked a number of doctors with that fact. I unfortunately spend a lot of time feeling inadequate, not good enough, like I’m a loser. I know I’m not alone in these feelings, but being a 34 year old virgin these days makes me feel like a freak. Also, being touched by another girl, let alone a sister?… I’ve never talked to anyone about this.
Sounds like you are going through a lot. We are surprised doctors showed shock about not having engaged in intercourse. Not everyone is into sex or has had sex. Many people, for example, are asexual. Not engaging in sex is more common than is talked about. Religious upbringings and the repression and negative beliefs around bodies/sex can alone cause issues, as can these sorts of childhood experiences. It’s actually quite normal for children to be sexually curious with each other, including girls with girls and boys with boys, most people have at least one such experience growing up. Sexual curiosity amongst children is not classified as abuse unless one child very purposely assaults the other. But some people have similar symptoms from this sort of sexual play as from adult/child sexual abuse, if they feel they didn’t have the right to say no, or were too shy to do so. We’d imagine it’s a combination of things giving you intimacy and esteem issues. You seem to have a lot of judgements around certain things, for example, that could be part of it and would be learned ‘right/wrong’ beliefs from childhood (for example, many people would strongly disagree it makes one a freak for a girl to be attracted to a girl). In any case, we’d strongly suggest counselling. With your trust issues don’t expect to trust or like a counsellor off the bat. Seek someone you feel you can grow to trust over time. Best, HT.
I’m about to turn 14 and I been having a lot of issues with mental health but no one noticed and I think it started growing when I was younger but I’m sure but remember just crying a lot feeling worthless. And my dad had left when I younger. Even before 6 grade and 7grade when I was diagnosed with clinical depression and social anxiety. This year my anxiety has been getting out I having panic attacks and keeps getting worst. And find out I’ve found out that I have a sign of having PTSD and I’m sure what to do. When I smell perfume or really close with people around me even just 1 person. And touch in certain place my anxiety just starts flaring up. What I’ve been reading I had all the signs of sexual abuse as a child. My family would bring me to their friends and family places. And my aunt and uncle coming over that one time. I don’t really remember much to 5-10.
Hello! I’m a 16 y/o girl. I do therapy 2 years now, and I suffer from depression, anxiety, I have eating and personality issues. I also self harm for 6 years.
I don’t have any memory of being sexually abused, but since I was a kid I had nightmares of being harassed or abused. No one in special. Once it was some random guy in a bus, once it was my grandpa, once it was my stepdad, but that’s the more specific it can get.
I also unfortunately have had sexual fantasy of being abused and it made me just so guilty.
I have always felt so guilty and ashamed of my sexuality, such as feeling sexy myself, masturbating, or finding someone attractive. Now I barely feel sexually attracted to anyone and when I do, I immensely deny it.
I don’t know when it started, but I just can’t stand even imagining myself touching someone sexually. I’m in a relationship with a girl and I really do love her so much. We have sex, but she’s always the one touching me, and I’m comfortable with that and I like it. But I just can’t touch her. I only touch her arms and back when we’re at it. I really can’t touch her breast, thighs, butt or genitalia. At all. We’ve talked about it, it must’ve been 4 times, and I had terrible panic attacks every time. I feel panic when trying to touch her or even kissing her neck. It feels intimidating, so scary and it makes me feel like she’s someone else I don’t know.
It really hurts both of us and I don’t know what to do.
Hi there MC. Sounds like you are going through a tough time. Turning 14 is itself tough. You are teenager, you are going to high school which is a lot to navigate, your brain is actually growing, your hormones can be all over the place. So believe it or not, it’s normal to feel stress and anxiety some of the time, or to worry a lot about whether there is something wrong with you (it’s also the time of life we figure out who we really are, which can involve a lot of questioning). All that aside, sounds like the upset in your home life hit you hard. And also, it sounds like you are lonely. Do you have someone to talk to you trust? You say you were diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Then what? Did you not get a counsellor or therapist to help? If you don’t have someone to talk to could you talk to your parents about seeing a therapist? Or do you feel you could go talk to the school counsellor? As for abuse, it’s possible. But things like smells upsetting you and many signs of abuse cross over with anxiety symptoms, and all kinds of trauma can create these kinds of symptoms, including things like your family falling apart. So we wouldn’t jump to big conclusions just yet. Again, find some proper support, someone you can trust. A good therapist can help you get to the root of all this anxiety. If you are scared to talk to the adults around you about needing some support, we have an article about how to talk to parents about mental health http://bit.ly/talktoparents. And try to train your brain to also notice what IS working. As life is usually a balance. A gratitude practise can help here as can mindfulness meditation. Good luck!
Hi Manuela. Are you still in therapy? What is holding you back from discussing all this with your therapist? It’s exactly the sort of thing seeing a therapist is for. He or she will understand all this and won’t judge you.We can’t say if you were or weren’t abused, unfortunately many of us never know for sure. But these are certainly serious symptoms to get help for and could be related. We understand you feel shame. But your therapist won’t feel any of this is bad, because, quite simply, none of it is. There is nothing wrong or abnormal about having abusive sexual fantasies, masturbating, etc. Of course shame is a deep, complicated emotion. It takes time to understand where it comes from and to build self-esteem. So be patient with yourself, and also proud of yourself for getting help. Finally, just to point out that you are only sixteen. It’s normal to not feel comfortable with having sex at sixteen, many people actually don’t have sex until far later in life. The idea that we all have to have sex to be cool, normal, etc, that is just something in the movies, real life is more complicated. Do you feel you have to have sex? Because if you are not comfortable you can say no. Even if we love someone, sex should always be an option, we should always have a choice. Best, HT
I’m in a complicated moment in my life and I’m unsure if I was abused at around the age of 5/6 would I remember all I know is that recently I have looked at Illicit pictures and videos of children under the age of 18 and I know I hate myself for it, the police recently arrested me for links to it and I can safely say it is the horror of my life to be associated with it, I don’t find children attractive on the day to day, but occasionally when I’m trying to crush my depression in the fog of alcohol I have looked and downloaded and felt sick after watching it, I know something happened sexually early on in life for me at around 5/6 years old is it possible that these early experiences have fractured my mind into a vulgar way of thinking, I won’t survive prison if that is what it comes to, I’m barely handling the shame and self hatred I already feel, I don’t want to be this dark person I feel alcohol makes me I want to be normal and live a fulfilling life, But I feel that quickly becoming an impossibility.
Hi Richard, sounds tough.As the article explains, many people don’t have memories or only bits of memories. But it is true that sadly abuse can be a cycle, as in, those who were abused are far more likely to be the ones finding themselves with urges to abuse. Which is really tragic as it’s bad enough to have a childhood decimated by abuse, but then it also can decimate our adult lives. Shame is a very powerful emotion that keeps us stuck feeling we have no worth. And the more we feel we have no worth, the more we feel we might as well do things that hurt others. So it’s important to get support as soon as you can to look at that shame and figure out where it comes from and how you can process it and start to grow some self esteem and make choices you feel better about. In Europe only Germany currently has a governement-funded preventative program in place for men who experience attraction to minors, sadly we aren’t aware it is being rolled out in the UK at this time. We would say there is a charity with a help line here in the UK for men suffering concerning thoughts, you might find these pages helpful https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/concerned-about-your-own-thoughts-or-behaviour/help-with-inappropriate-thoughts-or-behaviour/ you could also contact them to see if they knew of UK-based counsellors who are sensitive about this subject and can help. Right now you are suffering dark thoughts that have led to looking at photos. But you are also a man with choices and free will. Reaching out now can mean this story it doesn’t go any further. We wish you courage. Best, HT.
Thank you for replying, but I know what I have to do to protect my families name.
Richard, you are caught up in heavy shame right now. Much as many people would like to divide the world into ‘good’ people and ‘bad’ people, ‘angels’ and ‘monsters’, we are all just people and we all, every one of us, have the same capacity in life to do things that seem terrible or even are destructive and hurt others. We also all, every one of us, have the capacity to do wonderful things that help many others, or even wonderful small things that quietly help those close to us. Some of us have life experiences that throw this right out of whack, such as living through child abuse. We don’t know the full story. But from the limited info you have given, you were caught with images. It’s an assumption to say you’ll go to jail or ruin your families name. If you suffered childhood abuse working through this with a therapist might make real change. We’d say you deserve that opportunity to try and see, and that perhaps your family deserve the opportunity for you to still be around for them. At the very least call the confidential hotline of the charity we directed you towards? Best, HT.
I dont really know how to go about talking about this, but I recently have been getting angry at my sister for various reasons. I was talking to my dad about it and as I was talking about what she had been doing, I referenced that she had done it ever since i was born. I was thinking about the legitimacy of what I was saying since im rather forgetful sometimes and i started to think about what me and my sister had done as when i was around 5 or 6. I started to remember a game we used to play called rag doll, and without getting too graphic, she would touch me and i would try not to move. forgot to mention that your completely naked. this happened twice to what ive remembered.
Ive been wondering about this since ive had multiple of the “symptoms” that are listed above. Another thing ive since realized is I have a legitament fear of people touching my stomach. ive never figured it out and its not even as much of a fear but more of a reflex. whenever someone even lays their hand or even their head on my stomach i tense up and my muscles start moving sort of like im trembling or something, i cannot even do it myself without getting the willies. im wondering if this is some sort of reaction to past events?
Ide like to move foward in life and I feel this is going to hold me down substantially unless i can tell someone about it but it seems very embarassing to tell anyone about. Ever since I’ve felt good around my sister and we’ve grown closer then when I was a bit younger. Im worried about the situation it would bring to my family overall and im wondering if its even worth it to tell anybody.
Hi Anders, if you feel upset and have symptoms of mental health struggle then we’d say that it’s definitely worth looking at. Although we would say that the best place to look at it would be with professional support. We say this for various reasons. First, blaming someone for something when we are in a vulnerable place can backfire and leave us more vulnerable. And you need support to work through your emotions first, so you feel grounded and able to handle the outcome of talking to family, particularly if when you start to explore this it opens up a ‘Pandora’s box’, as in many other memories and feelings you didn’t know were there. We highly recommend you read our article on “what to do if you think you’ve been abused’ for more on this http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. Secondly, the mind is a tricky beast. It can hold onto some memories and totally discard others, and completely transpose emotions from one experience onto another. And yes, make memories up as much as forget really important ones. Note we are NOT saying nothing happened. But we are saying it might be more complicated, or even another experience, or a series of experiences across time. It can even be a series of events that are not necessarily sexual. The symptoms of sexual abuse often cross with the symptoms of other traumas or difficult experiences. Children and particularly siblings often are curious about their bodies and make up games to explore this. Sometimes it’s innocent and has no repercussions and is perfectly normal and not ‘abuse’. Of course if one sibling is substantially older, or intimidates or threatens the other child, or one child doesn’t want to play such games and is coerced then it can be sexual assault. Finally, often we never know ‘exactly what happened’. Again, the brain and memories are tricky, and without a time machine, many of us have to live with never knowing the exact story. What matters is focussing on healing the symptoms. As for not liking your stomach touched, it might not be related. Some of us just don’t like being touched, either at all or in certain areas. We all have different physical boundaries and they are important to listen to. Best, HT.
Hi. This is kinda strange but I have no one else to talk to about this so….. here goes. I think I was sexually abused when I was younger, but I have no memory of it at all. Although it would make sense because my older sister was abused by my father and other men my mom had dated, but I can’t remember if I was. I feel like I was abused by my dad or one of my mom’s boyfriends; I don’t remember my dad because my mom left him when I was like 1 or 2 but from what I’ve heard he was a really bad man. I just am not sure if I got abused by my dad that young would it have an effect on me now at 13. Ever since I could remember, like before I even started kindergarten I would rub myself on furniture but mostly chairs. I remember when me, my mom, and my sister were in the car and I was in the backseat in one of those large car seats ( that are only for like 3 to 4 years old) and I was rubbing my self on the seat belt in front of my legs, then my mom looked back and told my to stop and never do it again. This happened a lot because when I got in to school, I was sitting in a chair all day pretty much and I would do it all the time and my teachers and my classmates would look at me so weird. One time my teacher told me to stop but I couldn’t and so when the teacher parent conference came around she told my mom what I was doing. Later at home my mom told me that I had to stop and that someone could call the police on her. I didn’t understand but it was so addicting I couldn’t and til this day I can’t stop. It also sucks cus I have the worst relationship with my mom so I can’t talk to her about it. What’s confusing and the reason I think I was abused is because how did I learn or teach myself to do that at the age of like 3 or 4 it doesn’t make sense. A lot of what you wrote I related to as well. For example, I think I might be addicted to porn but after I watch it I feel so guilty and gross, but while I watch it I have this mindset of it’s happening to me, and I deserve it and I need to please them, that I should do everything to please a man. I also have sex fantasies of being raped and in them I like it, which is scary. I’m also dealing with depression and I am trying to figure out who I am. Anther thing that I saw that I relate to is feeling disconnected from my body, I want to be loved so bad, and I feel like i’m dirty down there all the time. I also have a really hard time sleeping and if I hear the littlest noise I get so freaked out. The other thing is that I get aroused way too easily, like if i just think about sex I feel that way or if i’m in the car and I feel a little vibration it happens. I don’t know what to do or who to tell, and I don’t feel comfortable telling my family. Do you think I was abused? And what should I do?
Hi Corrine. First of all, children often masturbate, it’s actually perfectly normal, most children do and from quite young. And doing it more and more as a child could be related to the shaming your mother did, making you feel bad about it. When a child is shamed, they can be drawn to do the shameful behaviour as if to prove to themselves they are ‘bad’ as they were told. Which could also account for all the guilt you have around sex and porn. Basically, it’s bad parenting to shame and belittle a child for masturbating, but your mother probably was projecting her own issues or religious guilt around sex onto you. Much better parenting is simply to talk to a child, to let them know their private parts are their own, that it is their own pleasure and there is nothing wrong with it, but best to be done in their private space. What seems more of a red flag is abuse fantasies coupled with what seems PTSD like symptoms of jumpiness. Abuse fantasies occasionally are again normal, if they are about being dominated, for example. But if you are perhaps a child in the fantasy with an adult, this would be more of a concern. In any case, there are indeed people who abuse infants, and it can have the exact same long term effects as being abused later on. If your sister was abused, then your chances are higher if you were also there with her in the same situations. Although not a guarantee. Many of us will never know if we were or weren’t abused, unless someone creates a time machine. But we’d advise you read our article on what to do if you think you were abused here http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. Best, HT
I am a male, as a child i would poo in my pants occasionally until I was about 8 or 9. No idea why. My sister, a year older than me was very promiscuous and had sexy lady undergarments by age 11 that i can be certain of. The both of us, my sister and I have suffered greatly with mental and emotional wellness issues into our adult lives. I myself battled addictions to substances for years. I am now and have been sober for 5 years. Our mother was committed to institutions with our fathers blessing many times when we were young. Subjected to electro shock torture, the works. Large periods of my childhood are missing, i just don’t remember, blank. Always centered around times mom “was sick”. My sister and my father always had a weird relationship and I was, still am it seems always in the way. I remember for certain my father having incest themed open mags. This was in the 1980’s, pre interwebs. My father, to this day goes on trips to Disneyland once every two years or more with an old buddy of his. Just the two old men, no family, no children just them two 60+ year old men now. It always raised creeper flags to me but I never really thought to hard about it.
Flash forward to now. I have been stuck in a deep depression for about a month or so and looking into myself for answers All the little bits and pieces that i have shared with you here started surfacing. Nothing ever made sense, still doesnt. With everything i have shared here The only thing i can figure is bad things happened to me. I dnot know anything for certain and feel as though i may be grasping at straws, creating a narrative that makes sense. Believe me, i really don’t want this to be true but I do feel like i have finally put the puzzle together, does that make sense? I don’t know what to do about any of it. This was all 30 years ago. Do i put it out of my mind and move on? How do I know for certain, there is only fragmented circumstantial evidence at best. Do I confront my father with questions?
Hi there JR. Confronting your father now when you are in a vulnerable place is not the best idea. We’d recommend you read our connected article, ‘What to do if you suspect you were abused” which gives good advice on how to navigate what you are going through http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse As for ever knowing, many of us never do. Unless a time machine is built it’s important to focus on healing symptoms instead. Best, HT
(I realize that this reply is really long so I don’t really expect a response, I’ve never told anyone about this so it’s been nice to vent I guess.) I’ve recently turned 17 and have suddenly remembered some stuff that happened in my childhood that disturbs me a bit. I know all these things happened but I’m uncertain whether they would be classified as sexual assault or if I’m overreacting so if you’re reading this I would really appreciate it if you could give me some help. Here’s the gist: when I was a preteen (I’d say from 9 to 12 when I was still… underdeveloped) I had a male friend from my school who was around 3 years older than me. His twin brother was my older brother’s best friend and our mothers were very close so naturally I was around at their house a lot.
We both enjoyed video games so I would go up to his room and we would play them together. It all got slightly uncomfortable for me when he downloaded some mods for some games we would play lots, like the sims 4 and skyrim. I don’t really want to get into detail but the stuff I saw would definitely be classed as pornographic. I was uncomfortable but I wanted him to think I was cool so I went along with it.
We were very close so I would often lie in his bed and didn’t think much of it (I was used to having girl friends rather than guy friends) and I remember he would lie next to me and would sometimes roll over so he was on top of me. I remember my heart thumping really loudly and telling him to get off me and he eventually would. I didn’t tell any adults about anything that happened because: I was embarrassed (I’ve never been good at talking about sex with my parents), I kind of felt like I had consented (even though I didn’t know what consent was) and I had already got in trouble for coming across some nsfw stuff on the internet accidentally so I thought I would be told off. Also I truly believed that we were best friends and didn’t want him to get in trouble.
Other memories are quite blurry and I don’t feel comfortable saying stuff that I’m not sure happened so I’ll leave it at that, however I am pretty sure that more things happened. I have almost no memories from that period of my life but my memories start up again right after our friendship ended… bit suspicious.
This ‘tumultuous’ relationship ended abruptly when on a dog walk with him he confessed his feelings for me and I didn’t say anything, I don’t think I said anything until we got back to his house.
But I remember, at 12 years old, being petrified that he would rape me, while not even really understanding what rape meant.
I effectively ghosted him from then on, I remember ‘joking’ with my friends about how it was a bit weird but they were just jealous that an older guy was interested in me. (I often bragged about how much I knew about sex which, with the context of how I knew all this stuff, is a bit fucked up.)
A couple weeks ago my mother mentioned meeting up with him and I almost had a panic attack and cried until she said I didn’t have to go. Today his twin brother came to our house and I didn’t leave my room for the entire day because I knew he would smell like him (I know it’s a bit weird…)
I now struggle with self harm, suicidal thoughts, alcohol abuse (I’m quite drunk while writing this, that’s probably why I’m writing this in the first place) and hypersexuality. I have fantasies about being controlled, abused and raped by a person I trust and have frequent dreams where I’m fully raped, however they don’t turn me on at all. Also really intense attention seeking behaviour which has ended many a friendship. However, I have ADHD and am being assessed for ASD, both of which have symptoms that could cause some of the shit I’m going through.
Something else that in hindsight is odd, I have quite disordered eating where I often starve myself with the wish to look like a child, I literally want to look like a twelve year old.
If anyone has any advice, or if someone can tell me if this WAS weird and I’m not just overthinking that would be great 👍.
Hi there. So on one hand confusion and inappropriate boundaries between children is not unusual, particularly during puberty (if he was 15 to your 12, he was a child too). The issue and red flag to us is that you were already somebody who couldn’t set boundaries, couldn’t say what she wanted, felt she had to please others even if she was uncomfortable. We’d say this would come from before this experience. Sometimes it’s simply growing up with a parent who has no boundaries, particularly a mother, who does whatever men want, so it’s a learned behaviour. Other times it arises from various forms of trauma that leave you feeling you have no rights. In summary, particularly as you are experiencing rape fantasies and have food issues, we’d say that it’s well worth seeking counselling over. We are not jumping to any conclusions over the root cause, each person is unique, and there are many things that a child can experience that can lead to this lack of boundaries, a big event, or just a series of small events that together diminished your self-esteem. Or it could even just be the way you were parented, if you weren’t allowed to be yourself or have agency. But what we are saying is that we do think this would be bigger than this one experience. We’d hope you were already being offered counselling if you are being diagnosed with things like ADHD/ASD. Raise this subject with your therapist and talk it through. There is absolutely no need to feel weird or ashamed, therapists hear far, far worse all the time, and most young women have had a confusing and upsetting sexualised experience growing up, if not several, it’s unfortunately quite ‘normal’…a therapist won’t judge.
hi it’s really hard for me to write this since it’s my first time where I actually put this in words. but it’s been quite a while since I’ve realized I was sexually abused as a child and I’ve come to this site cause I’ve been overthinking again and it’s 2 am right now. I’m a 16 years old girl and I’ve found my self in more than one point above, and I’ve always been insecure about me being sexually abused because at the time I was 7 yo and I don’t really remember how old he was or how old he is now since I don’t see him anymore but he should have been around the age of 11 or up. Now the question that keeps bugging me is, is it still considered sexual abuse even though we were just kids? I don’t remember the details either but I think there wasn’t a sexual penetration. He did force me to kiss him though and it really made me uncomfortable. I also had forgot about it until half a year ago. When I finally remembered, everything felt kinda weird and I think I wasn’t the same anymore. I was already a very anxious person and the extreme overthinking led me to experience nightmares which I still have. I did also self harm cause the thoughts were being too much. but this also got me questioning “AmI overreacting?”. I really hope someone would answer this question. I’m sorry if this might seem confusing or stupid but English it’s not my first language. I don’t even know if I’ll ever receive an answer but It doesn’t really matter. Thanks to anyone who got to read this.
Hi there. It’s not unusual for children to engage in sexual play, in fact it’s quite common. They are curious about their bodies. It’s not considered abuse, but if one child is very agressive then in some cases it’s considered sexual assault. You are not a different person just because you you had an unwanted sexual experience, you are still you. You are not what you experience. And you shouldn’t feel ashamed as just about every woman has, unfortunately, had an unwanted sexual experience at some point.And it’s completely normal to be upset about it. But we are very concerned about the self harm, nightmares, and anxiety. Can you get some help? Is there a counselling service at your school, is there someone you can talk to? We con’t know what country you are in. We would guess that probably there are other life experiences that have upset you too, not just this one, and your mind has chosen to focus on this one as it’s the easiest to be upset about. A counsellor can create a safe space for you to work through this and to help you uncover what else is upsetting you. But again, remember that you are not your experience, but something bigger than anything you experience, and that there is no need to be ashamed. Go easy on yourself. Being a teenager is also hard, your brain is growing and your hormones are changing. Try to take life one day at a time and try to notice what things are also going right with each day that comes, no matter how small those things are. Life is a mix of good and bad, and sometimes we need to train our brains to also see the good. Best, HT
I’m sixteen and while I can’t bring up any memories of sexual assault happening to me, there are some people in my life that I used to meet more frequently when I was younger (practically not at all now, as we moved to another country) who have given me an uncomfortable feeling whenever I was near them. I think I opened my mind to the possibility of sexual abuse having been happened to me when my mother made a comment in passing (which I was disgusted by) that when I was a toddler, my grandfather would ‘pat,’ my diaper. I felt horrible after I started thinking about it. Then I started thinking of the men my grandfather lived with (my uncles) and they were weird too, like always felt like they watched me and one, would take picture of me because he was an aspiring photographer back then. They would also make innuendos as I grew older. In general, they were horrible people. I have also read that having a high sex drive could be related to past abuse. And as I acknowledge that I definately have one – I’m wondering whether I started being like this because a sexual assault event i can’t remember triggered it. I was also very young when I started masturbating, also I discovered porn at a young age and constantly feel guilty. Not just after a session, but in general, feelings of guilt surge when I see someone I deem to be more needy than me.
Hi Anvi, just to point a few things out. It’s ok to have a high sex drive and it’s also ok to like porn. The guilt could be cultural or religious. And the idea that we are not supposed to have sexual interest when young is incorrect. Sexual curiosity begins in very young children, and some people go through puberty very young and will have a sex drive and find porn interesting. As for feeling guilty if people are more needy than you, that’s a sign of a healthy person. This is an out of balance world and if we don’t feel guilty we lack empathy. So we can’t say if you were abused, we don’t really see high signs of it here, but we don’t know you. But what we see in this comment at least is guilt about sex, again, we’d ask if it was religious and cultural, if you’ve been told that is bad when it absolutely isn’t. But if you are worried we’d advise seeing a counsellor. But do note that most victims of abuse never know the details, and what needs to be focussed on is managing symptoms such as high anxiety, depression, and self-abusive behaviours, but you don’t seem to be dealing with those. Best, HT.
Hi,
As a child I had a babysitter that had me play games and then try things that could feel good or exciting. The things we did started out not sexual, but then turned into touching of skin then tracing his fingers on my stomach and slowly into my underwear, not knowing any better it was neat and exciting, then that turned into touching my penis and then him performing oral. Later I was told I had to do the same as that was what you have to do and be polite. Then it became the normal thing that he would do. I was told it was just a thing between him and I a special bond and no one should know because it wouldn’t be so special anymore. This went on for over a year. Later the neighbor boy who was about 2 years older was showing me his movies that make him feel good, then he said that he would tell my mom that we watched these movies unless I did what they were doing in the movie. It was mostly hetro porn with oral. Fast forward 30 years later. I’m straight male, and have always suppressed the memories of what I did to the babysitter and the neighbor and felt disgusted with myself. I have been with my wife now 10 years, before her I was in many many many sexual relationships all straight never had any thoughts of being with men, but 2 times now I’ve had men hit on me and touch me not sexually but wanting to, saying things like wanting to see me naked and complements, I had to pretend I got sick once and another pretend I was sleeping so they would leave. I found it hard to say no and I was disgusted of the thought of even doing anything, at the same time felt like I had to. Background on me I’m a 6 foot tall man 240 lbs and a violent fighter, so not like I am a sub or was scared. I’ve unfortunately hurt people for less reasons but had no tendency to hurt these people. I’ve also had a very hard fight with depression and substance abuse. I fight my demons and thoughts because I have 4 children with my wife. They fight is getting harder. I also feel I have to please everyone all the time and wa t acceptance.
I’m not sure if this is sexual abuse but when I was 7 I remeber my dad always coming home late and getting yelled at. He was always beingkickef from his room and he would share a room with my sisters and I. Often times my dad shared a bed with me and I remeber very clearly the beginning but not so much the end. I remember being woken up when my dad came to the room ( being 7 I was excited). My dad then laid next to me and slid his hands down my my pants. I tried to move his hand but it was so strong and the more I moved it the more it almost touched my private part. I tried to back up but I almost bumped into his private part. Anyways I remeber after a bit of forcing his hand away, he was whispering angrily “GO TO SLEEP”. Anyways that made me shiver down the spine and my stomach dropped. I was stuck in a uncomfortable position and my heart was beating soooo fast. Then after that I remeber holding that position
Like a word side plank for what felt like forever until
He hand loosened and I fell asleep.
The next day I remeber my mom asking “did you dad touch you” and then I heard my mom asking over and over, I kept saying no but finally I said “he didn’t really touch me he just had his hands in my pants and I tried moving away”. I think I said that too quick for my mom to understand but she wasn’t still conecrened.
My dad came rushing down the stairs quick and was like “WHATRE YOU TALKING ABOUT HUH?” And I remeber my mom telling me countess times to just be still and don’t react when he yells like this and just say “nothing”. I tried and it worked. Before my dad came down the stairs, my mom did say “we will talk about this later when we’re alone”. But later never came. To this day being 21, I still think all the time, how the hell did my mom know. She low key senses something.
Now I buried this memory and completely forgot. But I have these friends who always discuss their past traumas and it’s really got me thinking about this situation. Always told myself I don’t care because it happened once and it’s not that deep. When my friends always say stuff like “I always felt uncomfortable around him” etc etc. They stuff about their family that I really resonate with and I keep thinking why am I resonating with this, like I actually had majority of all their thoughts sorroundong certain situations. But it makes sense for them cuz it happened a couple of times. But for me it wasn’t that deep and barely rememebered etc. I always got hit as a kid for bad behaviour and I don’t think it really affected me just made me think twice before I acted. There was other instances even till this day my dad tries to slap my butt like every once in a blue moon. Which I always say stop and he doesn’t care ore respect what I say. But I never gave much reason to as I’m still living at home, finicial dependant most months, pursuing my dreams of nursing etc. Anyways if someone could please just tell me what this memory is classified as it will give me easy.
After reading it all I think I was sexually abused as a child I don’t know what to do its seems real and explains why I react and behave the way I do. But I’m still not sure if its true. I don’t know if I should tell my best friend all this for some advice I more it feels true the more it hurts and I don’t know how to react but I also want to know the truth but I’m scared to know it. For I’m not sure what I would find.
Hi Manvi, We recommend you read our connected article about what to do if you are worried you were abused. It has important suggestions in it that should help. http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse Best, HT
Hi David, we are sorry to hear that happened to you. It certainly wasn’t your fault in the slightest. Your babysitter took advantage of you and committed a crime. The things you talk about, being unable to set sexual boundaries, feeling you ‘have to’ do things, guilt, shame, freezing up, depression, substance abuse, trying to please others…. they are all typical symptoms of surviving childhood trauma. And often it’s not just the sexual abuse, it’s the fact that we come from families where parents didn’t even notice that happening, or were we didn’t feel safe enough to reach out for help, which is its own form of trauma. In summary, you say it’s getting to hard to handle. So is it time to gather up all your courage and finally reach out for that help? In the name of that kid who didn’t have the choice? We’d suggest finding a counsellor you think you might be able to grow to trust, and who has experience in dealing with clients who have suffered abuse. They will create a very safe space for you to process all this and learn new, healthier ways of coping. You might also find things like online support groups or even in person support groups useful, although they are not for everyone. Best, HT.
Hi there Mona, legally here in the UK this would be classified as child molestation and is the kind of behaviour adults are charged for, if not jailed. The definition of child abuse these days doesn’t even need to involve touch, ‘non contact’ abuse includes things like talking to children about sex or showing them images. So touching a child is a serious offence. We also feel very worried about the fact he was telling you to go to sleep, and that your mother seemed to know something was going on, as it’s very rare that offenders offend only once. We appreciate that your defence mechanism is to underplay things and get on with life, and it’s of course important to do what keeps you steady and moving forward and not compare yourself to others. Each person is different. Some children are more resilient than others. Not all children who experience molestation or abuse end up with long term problems, although a very high percentage do. How you decide to navigate your life is up to you. But you also mention other things that happened that are not ideal for a child to experience. In summary, we would highly recommend talking to a counsellor or therapist about this when you are ready, particularly if you have any symptoms of trauma as detailed in the article. Best, HT.
When I was 9 I discovered masturbation (I felt bad like I was too young to do that and there was something wrong in me) My half sister was 14 at the time and I can’t remember why but I ended up talking to her about it and then the confusion starts. At first I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it because we were kids but pretty quickly I started feeling bad and sick about it I remember crying thinking I wasn’t daddy’s little girl anymore. I hid from my half sister for a while, scared to be alone with her. The last thing that happened was me jumping on her bed, trying to wake her up. She grabbed me and started humping me through the quilt. I really didn’t like it and got away. I tried to tell my parents but I didn’t use the right words and was too scared to come right out with it because I participated willingly in the beginning. I can’t remember why but it stopped after that I felt really bad everytime I thought about it, it made me feel wrong and sick so I stopped thinking about it and I hardly think about it unless it accidently pops into my head and I get the same bad feeling still. A few years ago I decided nothing bad happened and that we were just kids messing around because she never really forced me into anything but I shouldn’t still feel sick about it if it was nothing right? I’ve found out that my half sister was BADLY sexually abused as a young child before we came into her life and my dad (my sister step father) was always scared she would molest me and my sister because thats what these kids can end up doing. I don’t know how to feel, I want to believe that it was nothing but I can’t lie to myself anymore.
Hi Angel, it’s actually entirely normal for children to masturbate from much younger than 9. Many many children do. There’s nothing wrong with it. Of course children need to be taught their body is theirs and private, and that nobody else has the right to touch their body. But what happens in families where sex and bodies are made ‘bad’ is that then children don’t get to talk about it at all, and they don’t get taught how to say no and that they have that right. And then don’t feel comfortable telling their parents if something goes wrong, as in your story. They are left feeling ashamed. When they need support and to be told they did nothing wrong. Unfortunately your half sister did something you didn’t like, and you didn’t feel you had the power to say anything or protect yourself. Children do often engage in body play, but it’s quite an age difference, 9 and 14, so we imagine it felt quite scary. And even if you feel you participated willingly, she was quite old and should have not taken the advantage. We aren’t quite sure of all of what happened as you just describe one incident. But depending on what else went on, it might qualify as assault or abuse even depending on what country you are in, as there was more than three years age difference between you (explained by an American charity here https://www.stopitnow.org/faq/the-scope-of-child-sexual-abuse-definition-and-fact-sheet). As for ‘shouldn’t’ feel bad about it, there are no ‘shoulds’. If you feel bad about something, you feel bad about it. It’s not all about what happened and what didn’t, there’s no list of what you are and aren’t allowed to be upset about! It’s about how you feel and if you have any psychological symptoms from something, or symptoms of abuse, and about then getting support for it. Is there someone you feel you could talk to about this? Best, HT.
Thank you, this article helped a lot. Most of my childhood Is kinda of a blur but I remember being sexually abuse by my own cousin as a child and most of the time I though it was a game I guess I didn’t know any better. One day my mom knew there was something wrong going on and that day she took me home and asked me if my cousin had done something to me and I said no various times but I didn’t want to tell my mother the truth I was so small and then after moving to the U.S my moms husband touch me inappropriately more than once and I think I came to the country when I was maybe 8 or 9. They are still together and have been married for maybe 5 years now and I was planning to tell my mom on my 17th birthday which is only 2 months away. I was planning to write a card and I don’t know if that a good idea pls I need to know if I should do it that way because I just don’t think I could ever tell her face to face. Everyone around me thinks am a happy person and I try to be, I sometimes forget all that these horrible things have happen to me and I can’t believe that even after moving to another country I had to go through the same thing. Sometimes I think out of every man In this country I can’t believe my mom pick him. He hasn’t touched me inappropriately in years now but I know my mom should now this because they have a son together my baby brother he is now 5 years old and really think he has also touched him inappropriately and I have such anger in my heart it hurts so much but seen all these strong women charging their story encourage to share mines because even though it hurts I know I could get through it with Gods help.
Dayanna, this all sounds a lot to go through. We’d really advise you read our connected article on what to do if you think you were abused, it gives good advice http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. The main thing is to think of your own self care and what you can and can’t handle, and to find support to help you. Best, HT.
When I was young between 4 and 6 two of my cousins who were also children and girls but older than me would make their dog hump me. They would tell me he was just hugging me and make me stay there. They would also tell me to go hump family members, family friends, and stuffed animals. Then when I was 10 I asked my other cousin who is a boy and was 13 if I could play his games said only if I touched his privates, and he unzipped his pants and showed me privates while fondling himself. I told him no and he insisted but I just walked out of the room. Him and his brother would dry hump me and I thought it was normal. They also showed me porn. And another time my best friends brother would always show me his penis and tell me to lick it. My friend would laugh, so I would too, but I always felt uncomfortable about it. I haven’t told anyone about these encounters. But I’ve never had close relationships that lasted long, and sex is very uncomfortable to me. I only aim to please the person. I don’t know what to do. We’re all grown up now and my cousins are really nice, but I still feel like what happened wasn’t right. I need help/advice.
Hi Annoymous, children are curious about their bodies and the bodies of other kids. Good parenting means one of your parents sits you down and lets you know what is and isn’t acceptable, how to set boundaries, and how you can turn to them if you have bad experiences. Unfortunately many of us didn’t get this and ended up having experiences we just felt frozen in and are left ashamed about. Sometimes, depending on what happened, child sexual play is just play, other times, it veers into assault and abuse. You can find the difference in our article here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/child-sexual-play-abuse.htm. As for these experiences being behind present day sexual issues, this could be part of a bigger story. Sometimes the brain focuses on things it can handle and understand and cuts out other things. And sexual confidence or lack of it, as well as why we can’t be in relationships, can be related to different things (for example if you didn’t have parenting where you felt supported and safe that can affect relationships). In summary, we would highly suggest you do some counselling over this instead of continuing to feel unhappy. Your therapist could help you get to a point you feel comfortable perhaps talking to your cousins and getting this off your chest in a productive, healing way. Best, HT.
Hey the fact that i am here says a lot. I have no recollection of any kind of any sexual abuse as a kid. I was however highly emotionally and verbally abused
(around the age of 6-10) and had repressed memories of those events that resurfaced almost a year ago (aged 17). I was also suffering from severe depression when those memories resurfaced. I have huge memory gaps of my childhood. I remember only a few things even if i think hard about, these gaps go up to the age of 12. I have a high sex drive. i make a lot of sexual or double meaning jokes. I was sexually harassed when i was 16 too but i am very aware of that and have made my peace with it. I have been watching a lot of troubling porn including rape and abuse and even tho i hate these with everything i have and recognize as a feminist i still seem to enjoy these videos. I have a memory of playing a very disgusting game of acting with my cousin sister at a very young age. It included being abducted and forced sexually. Now thinking about it that is very troubling coming from a child that young (i was younger than 10). But i have no recollection or memory of having been sexually abused as a kid. All these factors put together now are worrying me a lot. I m obsessing over the fact that something terrible might have happened to me that i am not even aware of. I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO FIND OUT IF I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED OR NOT. I cannot talk to my family about this. I need help in figuring this out please reply.
Also i would like to add that i have a healthy relationship with my boyfriend. We are very close. Although before him i used to be attracted to people who would eventually emotionally abuse me. Glad i stopped doing that after dealing with some issues of mine. I come from a conservative background. I am very promiscuos but i control that side of mine. I have weird and uncommon fetishes too that is too much for someone who comes from my background. I have dealt with a lot of insecurities and self hate issues, and have had suicidal tendencies as well. Tell me what you make of it.
Hi Beth, as the article and the responses to other comments discuss, unless someone develops a time machine, a large number of us will never know clear answers. The brain is a survival machine. It does what it thinks is best for our survival, and in some cases that is blocking memories. What you have to focus on is getting help for symptoms, over obsessing on what did/didn’t happen, much as the brain wants to obsess. We would point out, on the other hand, there is nothing ‘bad’ about having a high sex drive as a female, or finding porn fascinating. Neither of these in and of themselves mean you were abused. As for the child sexual play, we wrote an article on that last week, take a look. Depending on if you wanted to be playing the game or not, and if you instigated or not, and the age differences between you, it could be abusive, or could be child play. We really can’t make any judgements/ assessments, we don’t know you or your full life history, and as you say, there is other trauma, which itself could be contributing. All this aside, what we do see here is high anxiety and black and white thinking. So we’d definitely say based on that alone it would be worth talking to a counsellor or psychotherapist. Does your school or college offer free or low cost counselling you can access? If you are 18+ that generally means you wouldn’t need parental approval. Otherwise, read our article on how to talk to your parents about mental health http://bit.ly/talktoparents . Also read our article on ‘What to Do If You Think You Were Abused’ http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. Best, HT.
Hi Beth, we are definitely again seeing strong black/white, good/bad thinking. Perhaps your conservative background has given you a lot of shame about sex? We see this often in those from religious backgrounds, for example. Fetishes don’t mean you were abused, they just mean that you have distinct sexual preferences. They can even arise as a response to strict upbringings, like a from of rebellion. But what we do see is a girl who is unhappy, anxious, and fragile, given that you are having suicidal thinking, which is very serious. We urge you to seek support. Best, HT.
Hi. I have a vivid memory of hugging a man in my church whom I saw as a grandad type figure but as I hugged him, he began touching and squeezing me and kissing and licking my neck.
I felt gross and my body felt strange. I froze. I knew it wasn’t OK but I didn’t know what to do so I did nothing.
The strange part is, I have no memory of how old I was? I could have been a child or 18 or even 22?
Is it odd that I so vividly remember what happened but not the age that I was?
The brain is mysterious and highly complex. It forgets some things, creates others. So it’s not strange. It could be that it happened, it could be a mix of memories, it could be something you watched in a film, or happened in a dream even, who knows. What matters is to look to see if you have other symptoms. Do you suffer from anxiety? Depression? Other mental health issues? If so, seek counselling. Best, HT.
When I was 7 I started second grade and in my class there was this girl in 5th grade who immediately wanted to be my friend. One day when we were alone in the locker room she asked me if i wanted to be in a relationship with her. By this time I was 8 years old but I felt pressured to say yes and like I couldn’t say no ,so I said yes. The longer this went on she started telling me to do things that I don’t think were right of her to ask. We were both young ( I was 8 and she was 11) but I feel like she had to know that what she was doing was wrong. She would have us go to the restroom and get in the same bathroom stall together when no one else was in there. When we were in there she would have me take my pants and shirt off and push my naked body against hers while we would kiss. This happened many times. She would watch me change my clothes by ducking under to look into my stall. She would have me put my hand in her pants and touch her bottom. Does what she did count as sexual abuse? Or was she too young to know it was abuse?
Hi there Daniella, we have a full article that addresses just this here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/child-sexual-play-abuse.htm. Best, HT.
How do I know if I was sexually abused as a child? I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for six years. In august he went to jail on other chargers and was able to move out to a safe place. I don’t know how long he’ll be in jail, but for now I am free. I have been talking to a therapist and seeing a doctor to try and get a handle on my panic attacks and anxiety. My memories as a child are very limited. I have nightmares but cant remember them once I wake. I feel dirty and sick to my stomach after sex, as if I did something wrong. I believe my grandparents (yes both of them), along with my cousin who was around the same age as me, sexually abused me as a child. I only remember a few “good” memories. The rest goes black. My grandparents would make me bathe with my cousin (male) while watching us. Then they would make me sleep in only a baggy t shirt with no underwear on. Every single time I stayed at their house. They made me sleep this way because I’d always complain of hurting or feeling weird in my private area. So my grandma or grandpa would have me sit in the chair with them legs spread to “air out”. Before bed they’d make my cousin and I have a “midnight snack” even if it wasnt midnight. it was usually ice cream melted or a shake. Then they’d make us sleep in their bed. Thats where everything goes black, but not the normal falling asleep black. I am starting to have flashbacks or memories of things they did to me, but it’s fuzzy and comes in pieces. My panic attacks are extremely worse and I don’t know how to get the answers I need/want. I remember my grandparents moving me around, positioning me with my legs spread while I was out of it. I cant remember all the details, but I feel like I was drugged with the midnight snack. I have always felt different because I never had a sex talk with an adult, but I knew what to expect when it came to it. There is a lot more but it’s too much to type. I don’t know what to think..
Hi there Megan, as we discuss in the article and in this comment stream, unless someone creates a time machine many if not most survivors of abuse never ‘know’. The mind has survival mechanisms, so will block things out if required, and it also has imagination. So often we are left not knowing what did or didn’t happen. What is important is to shift your attention to getting help with symptoms, which you are doing, which is great. We can’t change the past, we only now have the present and the future. So focus on working with that therapist to do what it takes to manage better here and now and raise your self-esteem so you don’t find yourself in anther abusive relationship. Note that it’s not only sexually abuse that leads to being in an abusive relationship, neglect and abandonment alone can cause ‘trauma bonding’. We are glad you are currently in a safe space. Best, HT.
Hello, i dont know if i have been sexually abused as a child but i have always known that something has been wrong. I barerly remember anything from my childhood, only very short and foggy memories. I do remember very strongly seing my dad watch porn. Many times. And waking up having “dreams” of him coming in my room touching me. I dont know if they were dreams or not. I checked almost all of the boxes around diffrent symptoms and experiences i read here except seeking abusive relationsships. I have always been atttacted to calm nerdy guys. I dont know if i want to know the answere of why i am and feel this way. Because my family is pretty close. We dont talk about any of the hard times we have. I dont know what to do and i dont know how to tell my boyfriend that i have faked everything in our sexlife.
Hi Elin, to start with, it’s normal to fake everything in a sex life when young, and it can come from a modern world where movies and films and social media teach us totally fake ideas about love and sex and we feel we have to live up to them. So don’t be hard on yourself about that. As we get older, and become more comfortable with ourselves and with intimacy, the faking tends to fade out. But if you are not attracted to him, then that’s something to look at. It’s ok to not have a boyfriend. We find a lot of young clients feel they have to be in a relationship or they aren’t normal. In fact it’s healthy to not always be in a relationship! As for the rest of it, we would just say that seeing porn as a child, an adult letting a child see porn, is itself enough of a line crossed to give you issues as an adult. It’s now, for example, illegal in the UK for an adult to expose a child to sexual imagery. We have no idea what else did or didn’t happen. What matters now is focussing on any symptoms and getting help for those. We suggest you read our article on next steps if you are worried you were abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse Best, HT.
I think I was about 7-9 when this happened to me but it gets really fuzzy whenever I try to forcefully remember what happened.
Basically I think I was sexually abused/molested by my cousin (my cousin molested me older brother) and I’m not sure how to explain it really but I’ve always felt guilty about it because I think I might have wanted it, my sister told me that I would sit on his lap and stuff and lately I’ve been having dreams about him making me suck him off…But now that I’m 15 I feel like it might’ve been partially my fault for not removing myself from that situation and ever since that happened to me I guess you could say I’ve become more sexually and going as far as to even getting aroused at being raped and other things.
I’m not sure what to do I feel as if every I might just take my anger out on the people I love and end up pushing them away…There’s a lot more to this of course but this is what I can type down. (My whole family has a history of being touched by family members so…)
Hi Lena, it’s actually really common to blame ourselves and think we wanted it. Children are not without sexual thoughts or responses, but that is nothing to do with anything as they are innocent. Adults exist to protect children. Not harm them. It is not in any way your fault. It shouldn’t have happened to you. The fact you are getting aroused by rape thoughts, that is also a common symptom of abuse, so whatever did or didn’t happen your brain seems to have processed it as traumatic so it’s a great idea to seek some support on this. We aren’t sure what age your cousin was at the time, but you might find our article on child on child sexual abuse relevant https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/child-sexual-play-abuse.htm. Is there someone you can talk to about this? Or would your parents be okay with you going to see a counsellor if you asked?
hi, im 19 years old and im starting to suspect that i might have been sexually abused by my father. i want to leave my story here so someone can tell me if i was or if im overreacting. long story short my parents are divorced and i used to have a phone so i could talk to my mom when i was up at my dads. one night my father came into my room, he laid in bed with me and gave me a small plastic heart and told me “whenever you look at this heart remember that i love you”. i cant remember anything after that. ive tried for the past ten years to remember what happened but its like i blacked out or something, the last thing i remember was him leaving and realizing that my phone was gone. i remember that after he left i felt so angry that i threw the heart. even to this day i try so hard to remember anything cuz i feel so gross when i think of that night, but the most i can remember is him scratching my back then it all goes black. please if anyone can help i would be so grateful. also im sorry i know that this is all over the place but that how the night feels to me, i feel like im putting together a puzzle when i dont have all the pieces.
So recently I’ve been questioning if I was sexually abused or molested when I was younger. I’m 17 and a senior in highschool, I’m going to start from the beginning, so please bear with me for making this long [EDITED TO PROTECT PRIVACY]. When I was 12 I developed a crush for my brothers friend. I was twelve and he was around 15-16 I told him I liked him but he rejected my feelings. I continued to like him but he never saw me romantically, but things changed when I was 13 and in eight grade. Towards the end of my eighth grade year, me and him began to get close, as our families were very close and my brother was his best friend. I remember that he began to tease me a lot and would tickle me when we were close to each other. There was one specific time where I was laying down on his bed as we were hanging out in his room. I was cold and had a blanket over me, he started tickling me and I wasn’t opposed to it because I really liked him and wanted him to like me. I remember moving away so that He wouldn’t think I still liked him, he pulled me close to him and hugged me, I thought this meant he liked me back. There were many other instances where we were alone and these things would happen and I thought he was developing feelings for me. I was 13 and he was 18.(he was a junior in highschool, his parents put him in school late) It wasn’t until the end of eighth grade year that things kind of took a turn. I Don’t remember how this happened but things started to get sexual. I remember we somehow started to sext and he would ask for pictures, but in the morning he would apologize and say it was because he was “drunk” or “high” But it was every night this would happen. I did feel a little hurt as I wanted it to be sincere, but I was excited at the same time because it was the only way I thought I could be with him. I remember that when we were alone he wouldn’t touch me and he was very hesitant but he would still tickle me and stuff. We would sext and he would ask for pictures and then things really changed when I finally got to highschool and he was a senior. I remember that because our families were Barry close I would stay the night at his house for a few days or weeks because my parents would go out of town and I had school. It was at that point that he would come to the room I was staying at and would touch me very subtly but it was different then tickling. There was a specific time where we were laying down and he began to graze his finger on my back and slowly slid his hand towards my stomach. He slid his hand onto my butt and was grabbing it and he eventually put his hand on my groin. I remember being really scared but liking it at the same time, because I liked him. This would happen many times and I enjoyed it and wished we could do more. This was freshman year I was 14.
(I know I’m making it seem like I was happy but I wasn’t. I was feeling tortured and hated myself. He would tell me that he couldn’t date me and have sex with me because I was underage but would still ask for pictures, touch and speak to me in a sexual manner. Because of this I began to pursue other relationships to spite him and see if he would get jealous. I ended up losing my virginity in a bathroom, and hated myself for a week after. I began to try to have sex with other guys, they didn’t, but they would do other sexual stuff, and I would send sexual photos, and I began to feel sad.)
At the end of freshman year I moved to a new city and he went to the same city to attend college. During that short summer we would continue to do sexual stuff but he would start to hold my hand. When he would stay the night, he would sneak into my room and do things that made me feel as if he started falling for me.
When school started things changed. He went back to how he was before, only requesting sexual things and he started acting as if he didn’t care for me anymore. This went on for a long time and every time he would stay over he would do sexual things to me and then acted as if I didn’t matter or he didn’t care about it the next day.
The most recent time I saw him was only a few months ago, and my brother got drunk and passed out so it was just me and him. He treated me as if I was just another girl.
When I think about it all I don’t know what happened, whether I really loved him or not, but ever since the beginning of my long relationship with him I’ve never been the same.
There were other guys between him. And I would get sexual, a few I actually had sex with, but every time after I would feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I don’t know how to say no to sex, or sexually pleasing other men. I’ve been talking to older men and getting into things I don’t want to be in.
I’m confused on wether or not is was abuse or molestation because at the time (with my brothers friend) I really did want it but now I’m unable to get into proper relationships. I am depressed, I have social anxiety even though I used to be a social butterfly, and I am now overly conscious about being alone with men, even my brothers and my dad. I know they won’t do anything to me but I still get paranoid and scared when I am close to them. But I feel as if it’s my fault and that it wasn’t wrong because I did want it at the time and I’m just so confused now.
The sad part is I think I still have feelings for him. But I don’t know if they’re real feelings or something else.
I was also touched a lot by guys in middle school when I didn’t want to be but I didn’t no what to do, the girls would call me a whore or hoe, so I thought I deserved it and didn’t have the right to say no because I brought it on myself.
Again I’m sorry for this being so long, I’ve just never been able to come out with these feelings to anyone before.
i have absolutely no memory of ever being molested or anything, but im starting to have my doubts. i love my mom, but when i was younger she put me and my siblings in some unsafe situations. before she got addicted to drugs, she had a lot of boyfriends. most of them were physically abusive and obsessed with my mother. especially one i hated the most. around this time i started getting extreme “bladder infections”, and gaining weight. after that i became self conscious, and devoleped anorexia. also, i dont know what it is, but i have an extreme fear of touch. i hate when people touch me. just any form of physical contact, at all. but especially sexually. and touching my own body, especially my… chest… makes me physically sick. like in my stomach. ive never told anyone, because probably theyd think im crazy. i also have rape fantasies, which scares me so much, because if i was molested thatd basically mean that i enjoyed it? i dont know. because ive had these fantasies and others since an extremely young age. like 10 or 11. i also have, like what was listed on here, weird moments where im suddenly uncomfortable, just little things like certain actions or certain touches or certain phrases that put me on edge. i dunno, maybe im just being paranoid but something about it is just off i think.
Hi Jamie, thanks for the share. So while sexual abuse is talked about more than other traumas, to let you know it is far from the only trauma that can mean you lose memories. ALL trauma can have that affect. Including an emotional trauma. If you were very angry at your father and very confused by the divorce and he then tries to get close to you emotionally and tells you he loves you, your brain could have registered that as a trauma and then erased the memories around it.It might have been very upsetting or confusing for you. And that night would still create feelings of annoyance and upset. Do you have other symptoms of sexual abuse? Or just memory loss? Are you sexually acting out with others, do you have abusive fantasies, anxiety, depression, dissociation? If so, then consider talking to a counsellor. In fact counselling would be helpful regardless if you are still upset about your childhood. If you really do think you’ve been abused, read our other article on the matter here http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. Best, HT.
Jane, there’s a lot going on here. Most of all is really, really heavy shame and self hatred. You seem to feel that any kind of sexual experience or desire is shameful and ‘bad’. And you are a ‘bad’ person for having any sexual thoughts or feelings (you aren’t). You might come from a Christian family, which can add to this. But our gut instinct is that this is from before this young man and you are focussing it all on him because it would be easier to have just one person to be angry at, but it’s actually a much, much bigger story that stretches farther back. You mention that you were touched by guys in middle school and were taunted as if that is just an afterthought. That is very traumatic and a horrible thing for a child to experience and could quite easily be the root, leading to the classic signs of being molested as a child you are exhibiting, including having no sexual boundaries around men, using sex to abuse and punish yourself, a lot of confusion and guilt about desire, seeing any sexual experience as ‘bad’, and a ‘freeze’ response when stressed. If we experience trauma as a child, our brain can learn to ‘freeze’ in the face of stress, so we go blank and act helpless, does that make sense? Or other experiences from your younger childhood might arise when doing therapy that are the real root. We highly, highly recommend you get some support on this from a professional counsellor. You are at a crisis point, your mind is running over tiny details again and again which is a sign of high anxiety, you admit you are even paranoid around your own family, and you are considering doing more self abusive things (talking to older men you don’t like). Is there a counsellor at your school you’d feel comfortable talking to? If not, when you are 18 you can legally find counselling for yourself without anyone’s permission, but at the moment, you would need your parents permission. They don’t need to know this story, they just need to know you are not feeling happy and are anxious want to talk to someone. You can find an article on how to talk to your parents about mental health here http://bit.ly/talktoparents.Also know you can call helplines and talk to really nice people, there are many just for teens, here is the list of helplines in the UK (if you are not in the UK google for one in your country) http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. Another article you might want to read regarding the tricky affair between you and this young man are here https://bit.ly/childchildabuse. It sounds like you are really ashamed for being attracted and in love with him, and that he is really ashamed for being attracted and in love with you. We can’t make a judgement call as we’d need way way more information, so best to look at this with a counsellor, but he sounds immature and messed up. Once he was 18 there is a legal line that was crossed. We think you might want to also read this article here http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse.Finally, none of this makes you a bad person or someone who has done anything wrong. At all. You are just someone trying to cope. So try to be kind to yourself. Best, HT.
Hi there. First of all, no, rape fantasies do not at all mean you enjoyed being abused. So you can stop thinking that and cut yourself some slack. They are very common among abuse sufferers. The body is like a machine, and if it’s first sexual experience is abuse, it can connect that to sexual arousal, in a mechanical way, like bad wiring. We do get a lot of people on here worried they were abused, as you’ll see in the comments, because of ‘feelings’ or ‘dreams’ or not liking sex. We often talk about how it’s not actually the norm or necessary to enjoy sex, particularly while still very young, and that films and TV create false ideas. But in your case, given you’ve also got the sexual fantasies and a very direct phobia about being touched around your chest, and extreme anxiety by the looks of it, as well as an eating disorder…we would say it is quite possible that there was some kind of experience that is at its root. We can’t know for sure any more than you, many of never know exactly what happened, and never will unless there is a time machine created one day. But what we DO know and can help is the symptoms and you have serious symptoms. You have to reach out for support. You are obviously the survivor of a difficult, unstable, and traumatic childhood regardless of whether you were abused or not, and counselling or therapy could only help you cope better regardless. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your mom to feel your childhood has left you struggling. It just means you are ready to love yourself, too. We don’t know how old you are. Is there someone you can talk to? A school counsellor? If you are under 18, you’d need parental permission to hire a private counsellor you can find out how to talk to your parents about mental health here http://bit.ly/talktoparents. If you don’t feel comfortable telling your mom that you are worried you were abused, just tell her you are feeling really anxious and want help. (We highly recommend before making any accusations you also read our article on what to do now if you feel you were abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse). If you are on a low budget, see if there is a charity in your country or area that helps young people with mental health. And don’t over look calling a help line for young people, they are there to help. If you are by chance in our country, the UK, you can find a list of places to call here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. Finally, we know it can feel weird to talk about it at first, as if it’s somehow your fault, or like you are ‘bad’ that it happened to you. It’s nothing to do with you, not remotely your fault, and it doesn’t make you weird. It happens to about 1 in 4 children, you are far from alone. And if you talk to someone on a help line or to a counsellor they won’t at all find any of it weird. They will be helping many many other people with the same thing. We wish you courage! Best, HT.
Reading this blog made me think of a few things that had confused me from my childhood. I dont have clear memory of anything. It’s all bits and pieces.
I remember when I was around 4-5, I was putting things into my underwear and rubbing against it to make me feel good. I don’t know where I got the idea to do that. I did not even know about the female anatomy until I started my period at 12 and realizing I have a vagina. There was another memory of where I was staring at the ceiling while an older male cousin was doing something “down there”. I don’t have memory of what he was doing exactly but I’m guessing it probably wasn’t good. I remember feeling intense pain and crying so I’m guessing it was penetrative. Another thing that made me think it might’ve been penetrative was that when I got older and had “sex for the first time”, I still felt pain but I never bled. I remember growing up, whenever I was told to give an adult a hug, whether it was male or female, I felt intense anxiety; like I had a pit in my stomach. This feeling was most intense with my dad. I don’t know if my dad ever did anything to me but I do remember that whenever us kids wanted a favor, he told us we have to return a favor. He would take another cousin that’s the same age as me into a room and made everyone leave. He called it “squish penis” in our language. My aunts and uncles know what he was doing but none of them thought anything of it. They thought it was normal. So me, my same age cousin, and other kids also thought it was normal since none of the other adults said or did anything. They even teased my same age cousin that he got his penis “squished”. I don’t know if my dad ever did anything to me because from the age of 6 and older, I had formed some really solid memories and I never remember him doing anything to me. I don’t have good memories from before age 6. The memory from that point felt so hazy that I’m doubting if it’s even real memories. I don’t know if my mind made it up to make sense of my intense hug anxiety and not bleeding for first time sex. All of these “memories” are really confusing because I don’t remember it well and I had a relatively normal childhood.
Although I don’t have all the signs and symptoms from this blog, I do have a few. I started liking boys at a really young age. I did not know what sex was but I had often have the arouse feeling and was interested in sexual things throughout my childhood. I have rape fantasies and still have it to this day. I like rape pornography and enjoy acting out my fantasy with boyfriends. A few other pornography categories I like, that I’m not proud of and is extremely ashamed of, are incest, older male-younger female, and voyeur porn. I am not listing these categories to be disgusting but simply to list a few things that I think are symptoms. I also no longer believe this but when I was younger, I used to think I “have to” have sex with a boyfriend. I also enjoy pain. I do have depression, anxiety, social anxiety, low self-esteem, and suicidal thoughts.
Anon is not my name because I would like to remain anonymous. I feel extremely disgusted by writing this but I wanted to share this somewhere. I have not told anyone and do not feel safe writing it down onto paper for fear someone will read it. I want it to be known but not by anyone I know. It’s weird but I feel relief from writing this down and having someone read it. So if you are reading this, I appreciate it and apologize if it is disgusting or disturbing.
Hi there, it’s not disgusting or disturbing at all. We do understand it can feel like it if you were bought up in a culture or family that has ideas about sex being ‘bad’, or if you were abused and are experiencing shame, even though nothing is your fault. But none of this is at all disturbing for a therapist. Children are very curious about their bodies, many children play with themselves and rub and do all sorts, totally normal. And it’s a myth that if you don’t bleed then you were somehow penetrated. A hymen can break from sports, and some women simply aren’t born with a lot of hymenal tissue so there is little to rupture and they don’t bleed.And it’s ok to like aggressive porn, if it’s a healthy enjoyment and you are comfortable in your body and don’t think you have to let anyone do anything you don’t like. BUT there are red flags here. It seems there was a traumatic experience with your cousin (which alone would be enough to cause other symptoms and for your brain to register a trauma). And rape fantasies alongside anxiety, depression, and a feeling you have to offer sex, those are pretty strong indicators of trauma. Again, it might be that experience with the cousin, it might be other things. Although it’s common to assume it must be a father figure, that is not necessarily true, although it is a strange thing you recount. In summary, best to read our article on what to do next http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse and then seek support. Many of us never know exactly what happened to us, and it’s important to put your focus onto getting help for symptoms instead of obsessing over what did and didn’t happen. Because we can’t change what happened but we can change our future by taking care of our symptoms and ourselves. So it’s very important you seek support. Is there someone you can talk to? Any chance you could work with a counsellor? They will understand and will likely have worked with many clients with similar experiences, so don’t feel scared to reach out and to talk. Best, HT.
I’m really confused. Even saying this online is making me nervous.When I was younger about 7 there was a female (I’m also female too) who was a similar age as me. She would start off with things like kissing eventually by the time I was 8 she would tell me to do things like oral sex on her,sucking on her breasts,kiss her all over etc this went on till I was about 14 years old. I went ahead and did it because I had no clue of what any of this was so I would just go ahead with it. There were so many times where I didn’t want to do it but I didn’t understand what was going on and I didn’t want to “ruin the game” so I would carry on. She would disguise it as a game we would play like princesses etc She would also go and do similar things to me. I remember after every time it happened I would feel disgusting the next day. Honestly I feel absolutely disgusted by the whole thing idk why I didn’t say anything during those years I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t understand why I guess i just didn’t have the right language to be able to say what it was. I blocked all this out till now. I’m 19 I would say I’ve surpressed the memories rather than them being repressive I really don’t know. I knew it was always there in the back of my head but I would ignore it because well I don’t know why. I think it’s maybe to do with a friend that was raped a year and a bit before hand whilst we were both on campus. She was a closed friend of mine I know it wasn’t my fault but I feel like considering I was literally on campus I could’ve done something. I also think it’s because I haven’t seen the female that was doing those sexual things to me between the ages of around 7-14 in months and I guess my brain has now decided it’s okay to suddenly have the memories resurface.Now I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t know why the memories have suddenly resurfaced after some years down the line. I also remember times where when I was around 7-8 years old toys would be put in my underwear-it was never shoved up but it always felt uncomfortable. I actually also had some infections down there when I was younger too. I don’t believe it was directly related to these incidents since they weren’t STIs but I know other infections can be influenced by things like oral sex which thinking about it makes me feel even more disgusting. I was rather shy and quiet when I was younger I guess that made me an easy target.I remember there was time a family member almost caught us I was absolutely terrified I was going to get into trouble despite never initiating any of it. Is this classed as COCSA? I’m really confused because she wasn’t older than me we were around the same age and we’re both female I don’t know if that means it’s not part of the category I don’t know.
Hi there. We have an article on COSCA which might clear up your questions find it here https://bit.ly/childchildabuse. Gender is not related, sexual experiences are still sexual experiences regardless of gender. Please seek support over this. Most schools offer free or very low cost counselling, please see what your school offers and don’t be afraid to go and use the service. A counsellor or therapist won’t think that you’ve done anything wrong or have anything to be ashamed of and the story won’t be surprising to them, no matter how in your mind you might feel ashamed. Feelings of shame are normal, but you didn’t do anything wrong here so don’t let that stop you from seeking help.It’s best you talk this over properly with someone over take advice on it over the internet, this is a delicate matter. And it’s clear you are suffering anxiety, which really deserves proper support. We wish you courage. We’d also refer you to our line of free helplines in the UK here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. If you don’t want to go through your school, you can also tell your GP you need mental health support, although the waiting lists can be long with the NHS. Or you can book private therapy which isn’t always expensive, we have a booking site with some therapists that are low cost. https://harleytherapy.com/. Best, HT.
Hi.
I’m 25 years old and I recently started to reflect a lot on how I was as a child. I remember being about 5 or 6 years old and having a high sex drive without even knowing what it meant. I would crave for men to touch me even though I was scared. I also remember being curious of boy private parts and would constantly try to touch them or hit them. I would play rough with the boys in my class in hopes that they would touch me so I could feel satisfied. One day I was walking to my house from school and a boy ran passed me and touched my breast, I acted like I was mad but inside of me I felt special, and it was the weirdest roller coaster of emotions to go through. I was watching porn by 7 years old and was addicted to it too. I masturbated a lot as a child and as a teen. I was in a a long term relationship (my first and only relationship so far) and everything that could go wrong with me went wrong. I had a hard time accepting his love, I was insecure and very codependent. I was never sure he liked me and thought that the only way I could show him that I loved him was through sex, even when I did not want to. I had a hard time saying “no” or “stop” when it didn’t feel good and put myself through the pain. I only remember being “in the moment” while having sex with my ex boyfriend a hand full of times because I would constantly zone out. He did everything in his power to show me his love but I would always push him away, I felt like i did not deserve for someone to love me because I couldn’t perform sexually or emotionally.
Hi Joana, it sounds like you have a lot of experiences that are upsetting you. We’d highly advise you seek professional support over this, as it’s clear you are unhappy and anxious and suffering low self-esteem. These kinds of things are also hard to work through alone. Are you at school? Does your school offer low cost or free counselling? Or does your workplace provide some counselling in your medical coverage? We know it can seem scary to reach out and find a therapist, but none of this will seem surprising to a therapist, they will create a very safe, confidential, and non judgemental space for you to talk about it. Best, HT.
At what age does memories of sexual abuse come back?
Hi Stef, there is no age when they do or don’t come back. Many people never recover clear memories, others can have memories arrive at any age. Best, HT.
Hi, I’ve been pretty concerned that I was abused (sexually or otherwise) when I was younger. There’s some things I remember but I don’t recall them being very traumatic. I remember being exposed to porn by age 6 and being sent a gorey sexual video when I was 11 but that’s the worst I can remember. Other than that, I really don’t remember much of any years before, really. I’m a teenager now and I find myself being overly interested in sex (which I know could be a response to trauma), but feel ashamed whenever people talk to me about it. I’m a teenage boy, and so are a lot of my friends, so I guess being asked wether or not/how I touch myself should be expected to some degree, but I feel like I can never talk about these things as openly as them. I always feel guilty, ashamed, or flustered when I get asked this sort of thing. It’s not really like I’m uncomfortable with the subject though, I’m always one of the first to start joking about it, only when it’s someone asking about me. I was sent to a mental hospital a couple of years ago, which the government can do with or without my or my parents’ consent, and I know that a lot of sexual abuse happens there, especially in the minor’s section. I’m worried something may have happened there as well. Other than that, I have multiple other symptoms like the ones listed above but I’m not sure whether or not that means I’ve been abused or if something else is going on.
I’ve been suspecting that I might have been abused for some time now. Since I can remember I could never be myself, I’m not sure how to be myself. I just can’t deal with reality. I have all these symptoms like social anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder, and as a child, I always wanted attention more than anything, but when I got it, I felt bad. I always felt like a bad seed. I know in my heart there’s something more about it. I’ve been seeing a therapist. But now, because of the pandemic, I haven’t talked to him. I was thinking about trying hypnotherapy. I need to know for sure. I’m tired of feeling like the sickest person on earth. I can’t even be honest about my name or personal details because everything makes me feel dirty. Being me makes me feel sick. I can’t make amends with my own skin. I don’t know, maybe I’m just neurotic, but at this point in my life, I don’t know how to get out of my fantasize world. I’m scared I might be too damaged, or I might be a sociopath or just a compulsive liar with a personality disorder.
Hi Magali, have a read through the comment stream. Unfortunately most of us never know for sure. And a hypnotherapist who said they could help you find out would be a dangerous quack, a proper clinical hypnotherapist would never offer this service as to get you to ‘remember’ would involve influencing you. The brain is a very complicated thing, and unless someone creates a time machine many of us have to accept that our mind doesn’t have clear memories. What we CAN deal with is the SYMPTOMS. You’ll see us discussing this in other comments. We’d also say that all kinds of trauma can produce the symptoms you are talking about, not just sexual abuse. It could even have been a parent who didn’t love you as you were, and you seem to be mentioning something along the lines of having to ‘earn’ attention. A child deserves attention just as they are, they shouldn’t have to earn it, and if they do they end up with attachment issues and low self esteem. In any case, many therapists, the large majority, now work over the internet. If you really need support and are feeling lost consider working with someone else. Oh, and you wouldn’t be a sociopath, a sociopath would never be interested in understanding themselves or getting help. You are just a person who feels unloveable and needs some help to like themselves and feel safe in the world. Cut yourself some slack. We are sure you have a lot to offer, you just need some proper support. Best, HT.
Hi there Matt. We wouldn’t jump to conclusions just yet. First, being a teen is hard. And unless we grew up in a really stable, safe, and body positive household, many, many teens feel on one hand interested in sex, on the other hand embarrassed. This kind of thing can also come from growing up in a religious household, which is a trauma in and of its own. And even if your friends seem to talk openly, they might secretly also feel weird and just be good at acting. Also, note that if you don’t want to talk about sex, then you don’t have to. It’s normal to also want to have your own private thoughts and experiences. Being a teen involves peer pressure and we assume some things are normal. It’s not normal to feel you have to say what you don’t want or have to talk about sex if you don’t want to. As for having multiple symptoms listed in the article, many of these symptoms will be the same from different sorts of trauma, not just abuse. This can even include really bad parenting, an unstable or unsafe childhood, or not being loved and accepted as you are. You say you were sent to a mental hospital so we are going to assume things in your childhood were challenging or you experienced a trauma? In summary, yes, maybe you were abused, we’d say there is as high a chance you weren’t, but we can’t say, we don’t know you or your life. What matters is to get help for symptoms. From there you can talk more about things and see what comes up. Are you currently seeing a counsellor? Who you can trust and talk openly with? If not, would your parents be willing to help you find one? As under the age of 18 you do need parental consent. We have an article here on how to talk to your parents about mental health and ask for help http://bit.ly/talktoparents. Best, HT.
Hi, I am mostly writing this as I have nowhere else to say this and really want to talk about it, I know you don’t have the clear answer. I’m 23 now and I have very very few memories of my childhood and anything below the age of 12. I have this reoccurring thought that I have been sexually abused as a child and somehow there is no doubt in my mind that that is true even though I do not have any memory of anything suspicious happening ever. I have had a really high sex drive since i was about 13, I have depression, anxiety disorder and suicidal ideations, and i am recovering from an eating disorder. Although I can contribute those issues to other factors, the things that seem to me like the biggest evidence are other things – I am absolutely terrified of having anyone apart from a partner looking at my genitals (doctors, aestheticians etc) to the point where I cry and have a panic attack even just thinking about it happening. Additionally, if when being intimate I lay down and put my knees to my chest I start uncontrollably crying without a reason even if I was in that position just for a second. I have no explanation for those things especially the latter and it makes me think something has happened to me that I do not remember. Do you think that’s possible? Thank you.
Hi B, anything is possible when it comes to the human brain, which we are really only beginning to understand. What you do know here are your symptoms. anxiety, suicidal ideation, these are serious things to go through. Have you sought help and support? We would highly advise it. Best, HT.
I’m 16, I vividly remember masturbation, fingering my anal cavity, taking my clothes off at night, passionately kissing my pillow, a fascination with rape, and sexual fantasies with both myself and barbies from around the age of 3. I always knew it was wrong and was always disgusted with myself. Some days vaginal cramping and breast pain gets really bad and I’m not on my menstrual cycle, it just really hurts down there. I’ve had that ever since i could remember. I’m a virgin as far as I know, and I have a red rash that runs from my pelvic area all the way down my legs. I scratch pimples on my face, shoulders and back all the time, I can’t seem to stop, it’s just something I do. My parents get really condescending when ever they see how deep the gouges get sometimes. I always have a few bruises I have no clue where they came from. I always feel so alone, I’m a very manipulatible person, I always feel like no one ever loves me. I figured out sex before my mom gave me the sex talk when I was 8. I don’t know who would/could have hurt me, but the more I think about this, the more I really start to worry and remember.
Hi Rachel. So there is nothing inherently ‘wrong’ with masturbation, wanting to be naked, or touching your body as a child. Children are not asexual, they are indeed very sexually curious and many if not all children at some point explore their bodies or make dolls do things. We are interested that you have a very strong sense that it is ‘bad’ and you should feel ‘disgusted’, this would imply either you grew up in a religious household or with a parent who shamed you about your body. The vaginal cramping, breast pain, and rash are not symptom of abuse, we’d highly suggest you see your medical doctor for a checkup as that sounds hormonal or illness related (we are not medical doctors so we really can’t say) but important to look into. What we do sense here is that you are very lonely, really don’t like yourself, and feel unloved and judged by your parents. The scratching sounds like severe anxiety bordering on self-harm. Is there another adult you could talk to, like a relative you trust? Or the counsellor at school? We feel you could really use some support here to raise your self esteem. If you are in the UK, there are also several free helplines that you can call and very nice people on the other side who are happy to listen. http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines Finally, you say your parents are condescending, but do they know how deeply unhappy you actually are? Have you considered asking them to help you find help? We know it sounds scary but we have an article here on how to ask your parents to help you with mental health http://bit.ly/talktoparents. Best, HT.
To be sexually abused, molested as a child has been a huge possibility. Though I block out certain memories some as extreme as they are very vivid. I can remember aspects of being a toddler. 4,5,6, so on so forth just aspects. There’s definite huge gaps and blackouts. I started masterbation without realizing what it was besides feeling good as a toddler..my family members used to call it a leg thing. I would do that everywhere I wanted, could in front of everyone. Then 5, 6, 7.. I somehow started drawing porn before I even found or knew what porn was
Did alot of sexual things with friends my age girls, one boy. In elementary.. teen years. 14, I was pressured by my 18/19 year old boyfriend to have sex.. 15, was pressured to have sex with a boy in the woods with his friends watching… 15, got high for the first time and with no consent, or knowledge a boy proceeded to have sex with me outside at a campground… 16/17… I had a family member try to have me touch them and make out with me and touch me. That’s the moment I knew this might have happened before. I was sexually active with a boyfriend but, was used, both abusive… and raped by his friend who denied it.. with me expressing the truth, him, my mom, and friends around never believed me. I was asked from my mom “well why don’t you just call the cops then” Which she having pot in our house and her smoking with me, supplying alchohol and cigarettes to a minor not in school.. along with being scared and bleeding from a cut on my hand made accidentally by my then boyfriend in front of her.. I was not able to discuss it. And was named a cheater. I’ve had moments where I choose not to remember things.
I’ve been sexually harassed, assaulted, raped, verbally, mentally, physically, emotionally used and abused. I have abandonment issues, trust issues, co dependency issues, depressed, suicidal thoughts since 12.. had tried to commit suicide, self harm, abusing drugs, alcohol, and have toxicity traits and tendencies. I pretty much unfortunately can relate to most if not all symptoms/signs listed above. My adult life is effected severely
I am unable to comfortably have sex.
My relationships are effected.
My friendships are effected.
I am unable to have stable relationships…
My friendships come fast and end on bad notes and they just come and go.
I can’t go see a therapist.. I do not have money I do not have insurance and, I do not know how to be self sufficient enough to begin the process of getting to the right direction findin help.
That’s a short version of my story. I’m sorry everyone here has been through horrible things I hope all of us are able to find peace and happiness in life and are able to work through it all.
Hi K.C., this sounds tough. Including that your parent figure is leaving you feel unseen, unheard, unloved and unsafe. Assuming you are now over 18, you CAN go see a therapist. If you actually want the help, which would mean having to give up thinking that you are beyond help and being addicted to thinking only bad things happen to you, a common side effect of sexual abuse and neglect called ‘the victim mentality’ which is actually one of the hardest symptoms to get over, but can be the most life changing if we do. If we accept we still have personal power, despite our experiences. If you are in Canada, USA, England… there are ways to get free to low cost counselling if you are willing to put in the work to find it, or find a support group, there are free support groups for survivors of sexual abuse right across most Western countries. Read our article for many ideas on finding low cost help here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Finally, to clear something up in case other readers are reading, not to diminish that you have experience abusive neglectful things… masturbating as a child is not necessarily a sign of abuse. Toddlers and young kids often touch and play with themselves, it’s normal, girls often rub their legs together as a form of self soothing as a child. And many children are highly curious about their bodies, playing doctor, etc. This can be perfectly healthy and normal. Best, HT.
Hi. Reading all your comments has given me the strength to tell mine and convinced me more than ever that I was sexually abused as a small child.
I’ve had problems with drugs, promiscuity and depression all my life and I never knew why. I feel like I’m forgetting something important and often feel dirty or incredibly low , recently I’m starting to believe I was sexually abused. As a small child I spent alot of time with my older brother and his friend and I have memories of massaging them or sitting on their crutch areas. They were 10 years older than me. I was very sexually and masturbated in public frequently and performed sexual acts with classmates every other day (between 4-7 years old) I also remember a private joke between my brother and I in which he would trace a line above my pubic area with his finger but thought was innocent until now and I have no other memories. How can I start to remember?
Hi Misty, most of us never ‘remember’. The brain is a great mystery, even now with all the advances in science it’s about as understood as the cosmos and space. The brain does work hard to help us survive and protect us, so if it thinks we’ll do better not knowing something, it will forget it. It can also create memories of things that didn’t happen. So the worse thing we can do is obsess too much on what is/isn’t real or what did/didn’t happen as we’ll just end up confused and feeling bad. It’s human nature to want to ‘know’ but unless someone creates a time machine mostly we have to accept we never will. We’ll only know what is real – our symptoms. And then we can focus all our energy on getting help and support for them as that is when we will see real change in our lives. Read our article on what to do if you think you were abused here http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse Best, HT
So it’s really weird that I am writing this. I am a 49 year old male. I clearly remember exchanging oral sex with a boy a couple of years older then me when I was between 5 and 9 years old. I remember mostly doing the “performing” and recall sometimes not wanting to continue. Although I have identified myself as heterosexual all my life I have had homosexual fantasies since a teen ager. I have has sexual excitations since I can remember. I can<t say if what I did was coeerced or forced or consensual. Today I'm kind of messed up. I like pretty weird stuf sexually and porn wise. Today I believe I am bisexual but I can't imagine being in a loving relationship with a man. I am turned on by femdom scenarios and forced homosexuality and cuckolding. Does any of what happened to me as a child have anf effect on my fantasies and desires? Is it normal to masturbate a minimum of twice a day? Sorry if this is extreme and it is really strange for me to read, I ahve even thought of looking up the guy (I still remember his name) butt am totally afrais of what might come of it.
Hi Shane, our boxes of sexuality are terms we’ve created, not scientific facts. In all likelihood left in a scenario with a limited number of humans to choose from we’d all discover our sexuality was more fluid than we thought….and it’s far more common than we talk about (although things are starting to change) to be attracted to both sexes at least intellectually, or to identify as heterosexual then have many homosexual fantasies. But are we born wanting to be hurt either mentally, physically, or emotionally, probably not. Our brains are designed to survive, not destruct, so if we end up with a desire to be hurt their is room to debate we have a negative coping mechanism that might arise from an experience our brain felt was traumatic. But it’s best to take it on a personal basis over endlessly debate whether certain sexual behaviours are healthy/unhealthy. The question here is, do you feel good after these behaviours, or do you feel sad/depressed, suggesting they are unhealthy coping mechanisms. Do these behaviours fit easily into your life with no negative consequences, or do they sometimes deter you or sabotage things for you (addictive behaviours). Are you using these behaviours only for pleasure or is the truth you use them to distract yourself from other things you don’t want to deal with (addictive behaviour). As for what happened with the other guy, we have an article on child on child sexual experiences here https://bit.ly/childchildabuse. Many children are curious an engage in body play. The article discusses the legal definition of abuse/not abuse in this sort of scenario. On a personal level, you have to determine if it is guilt due to family/religion/cultural filters that upsets you, or if you feel you were coerced, or a bit of both, and then work through the emotions. All these issues are more than worth discussing with a counsellor, which we would highly, highly advise. These sorts of things are hard to work through alone. We’d particularly advise working with a counsellor and getting yourself to a centred, steady space before contact, you can learn more about this suggestion in our piece on what to do if you think you have been abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. Finally, working with a counsellor might throw up (and help you heal) other traumatic experiences you’ve repressed that might be part of the bigger picture, that might not even be sexual traumas. It’s not only sexual trauma that can leaves us self sabotaging. Best, HT.
I don’t have any memories of sexual abuse but I feel that thats what happened to me. But at the same time I dont want to say thats what it was because i dont know for sure. Im 25 and I am unable to have sex with my partner. We have tried countless times over our 3 years together, but every time we try i have an extreme panic attack and I cant do it. Hes been very patient but it has caused a lot of trust issues in me and I have never been able to understand why. I know something had happened to my sister when she was younger and it was from my cousin. And i remember this dream I had multiple times where it was just him staring at me from just outside my bedroom door and each dream he would get closer and closer. And i only remembered it when she told me about what happened between them. I dont want to accuse him of anything because i dont even know the truth. But there is no explanation to why i have so much problems with sex. I just want to know why and its killing me. Sex has always been a rough topic for me i remember when my close friend told me she had lost her virginity i had a mental breakdown and started bawling my eyes out. That isnt normal.
Hi Brit. We recommend you read our related article on what to do if you think you were abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. Most of us unfortunately never know what happened, and never will unless they invent a time machine. All we can do is focus on healing our symptoms. We do highly recommend you find a therapist you feel comfortable with to work through these issues. Three years is a long time to deal with a cycle of anxiety around sex, and a good therapist could definitely help with that. We are assuming you’ve spoken to your doctor and had a full medical checkup to rule out any physical reasons, if there is also a physical issue like pain. Finally, note that if there was any chance you were aware as a child something was happening to your sister, or witnessed anything, that too can be traumatic for a child and create symptoms. Best, HT.
I’ve been asked by a close family friend of my deceased mother if I had been sexually abused a child. She stated our neighbors had expressed concern at one point… I told her no. I would remember it, but I really don’t have a lot of childhood memories.
I do remember being very hyper sensitive to clitoral stimulation. I may have been 5 and would try to find things to put on my criteria ( didn’t know what it was at the time) to make it burn/sting/tingle.
I’m very sexual and really enjoy sex if it is taboo either the acts or the people. I need to be under the influence of alcohol for regular sex with my partner.
I’ve been very sexual though since as long as I can remember but as far back as that memory goes, I don’t remember anyone doing anything to me.
I feel like I’m messed up but was born this way. What makes some people sexually aware so young? I feel like a misfit half the time because when I talk about how I felt as a child people don’t relate and look at me like there’s something wrong with me.
Hi Thelma. Children are very curious about their bodies. That is normal. And people have different sex drives. We are not all alike, and that can have a genetic component even. But there seems to be a bit of anxiety here, a bit of worry, and a sense of not belonging that goes all the way back to childhood, and that this comment by the neighbour has really triggered it. Is it something you’d consider talking about with a therapist? As this is exactly the kind of thing therapy can really help with. And it would also be a safe space to properly discuss any worries you might have about this neighbour’s comment. In summary, this is not something that can be answered over a comment box, it’s a complicated situation we suggest you take seriously. Best, HT.
I feel like I’m going crazy. I’ve had panic attacks over whether or not I’ve been sexually abused at some point in my life. I’m a very sexual person, I’ve masturbated daily since I was like 11 or 12. I’m terrified at the idea of actual intercorse though. The idea of being sexualized makes me sick. I’ve been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and ADHD, I might also have depression. I self-harm pretty regularly, sometimes it’s done with the intent of making me unlovable and ugly so no one will touch me. I have had multiple dreams of being taken advantage of sexually. I have had panic attacks over someone touching my neck. I’m terrified of men, I try to make myself as small as possible around them. I don’t remember much of when I was little. I feel disgusting and I think the only thing I’m good for is to be used by others. My mom gets mad at me because I feel uncomfortable changing in front of her. I don’t remember ever being touched sexually though? Have I just convinced myself that something happened? I have a therapist but I don’t know how to bring this up to her, I think she’ll think I’m looking for attention. I feel like I’m just being stupid.
K, a therapist is used to hearing all sorts and the point of being a therapist is to spend 4+ years of your life in training to listen to others without judgement but with openness and curiosity. That is what therapists do. And they talk about abuse all the time, it’s nothing surprising or strange at all for them (official statistics state that 1 in 4 children are abused, with the reality probably a lot higher, so a lot of clients bring such stuff to their therapy sessions to work on processing and healing). Therapy is the best place to discuss all this, and really only starts to work when you start to trust and be open, which we do understand is a process, but hopefully you are slowly recognising you can trust your therapist? You are the one judging yourself as needing attention here, then what’s happening is you are projecting that on others like your therapist without giving anyone a chance, which we understand. The mind works in this fashion. So instead you have trust issues. Therapy is the perfect place to take risks and learn to trust and to start recognising what judgements are your own and looking at why you judge yourself. We’d also wonder what sort of therapy you are doing? If you have trauma or have emotional dysregulation then regular counselling where you just talk about your past might not work or could potentially just keep you in a state of feeling traumatised and resorting to self-harm. We’d recommend CBT, dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), or schema therapy. Best, HT.
Hi everyone.
My name is Mattie, and I’m 13 soon to be 14. About a month ago, I was at my grandma’s house, and my grandma, my mom, and I were all talking about a woman and her husband who used to babysit me when I was about 4 years old. They weren’t the most professional people, and they didn’t exactly treat the kids very well. My mom was talking about the story of why I stopped going there, and she said something that just didn’t make me feel right. She said, “While we were waiting for Aunt Kathy (my aunt) at the store, you said ‘It’s touchy-feely time.’ I asked you where you heard that and you said, ‘Paulie.’ (the man who I think may have molested me.)” I feel like in my past I’ve heard this story before, but this time I think it really sank in, and I realized what could’ve actually happened to me. Ever since then, I’ve been more on edge about relationships and fooling around with guys, (ex. kissing, grouping, and sex.) along with having fantasies about being molested and raped with the guys I was beginning to be involved with. A lot of the symptoms listed above make me think the suspicions are true, and that I was in fact molested. I’ve been having flashbacks of being at their house, and remembering some stuff that was kind of odd, but it was so long ago that I’m not even sure if they were real or fake memories. Now looking back on it, from an older mindset, he was kind of creepy. I just need someone’s opinion on what I should do, and if they think the behavior I’m currently exhibiting means that it’s definitely possible this happened to me.
Hi Mattie, we have a very useful connected article that addresses all your concerns here http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse Kind regards, HT
I’ve recently started questioning a lot of things. I have a uncle who was acting really odd at thanksgiving this year. i never see him but i know when i was a baby he used to baby sit me before my parents put me in daycare. he greeted my mom and my boyfriend, i sat between them both, he even shook their hands, but not one for me, he didn’t talk to me much either but he was acting so weird the whole time. i have only one memory of him when i was little, he was bouncing me on his leg (playful) and i had a space themed sippy cup. it’s always been a clear little memory of mine. now here is why i have my suspensions. i’ve been googling about side affects and behavior a toddler shows when being abused. I used to have night terrors really bad growing up, i’m not close to my dad much at all but i asked him when they started, he said 2. i saw somewhere in 0-3 year olds that’s common with night terrors. i frequently wet the bed and hid my sheets in the closet, i would self sooth myself as long as i can remember i would just call it the “leg thing” i would grab my privates really hard and stiffen up and i really liked how it felt and it was extremely difficult to grow out of. i knew what i was doing was bad though somehow and i knew it was dirty and wrong. i liked sticking things in my pants as well to give me the sensation i had male parts. i feel like as a kid my sex drive was way more active than it is now. which is really gross honestly. i have one memory of being little in the bathtub and i was looking at my privates and there was a black spot on it, i remember it going away over time. i have so many odd gaps in my early childhood. i know sucking my thumb was a huge issue for me and fidgetting my hair while i did it. i seen from other posts that later signs are eating disorders and what not. i’ve had bulimia for 4 years about and it’s been hard getting over it i just can’t get myself to. my dad wasn’t emotionally present other than abusive growing up. but i have an amazing mom and i love her so much. i talked to my boyfriend about my connections i made today with everything. he thinks i’m over reacting.
Hi Bethany, the first question we have is, why do you think that a child having some sort of pleasure from a form of masturbation ‘dirty and wrong’? Are you from a Christian family that taught you shame about your body? In actual fact most children at some point engage with their sexual organs, masturbation and touching is very common in young children, it’s neither dirty or wrong but a normal curiosity of a child towards their body. Seizing of legs in young girls is a common way to self soothe, and touching and exploring your body as well as looking at it is normal. Bodies are fascinating for children. And most people do not have memories of all of their childhood it’s normal. You also say your Dad wasn’t present so we are gathering you came from an unstable home. We have no idea if you were or weren’t abused, but we wouldn’t say that anything here does (or doesn’t) point to abuse. It could equally come from instability in the household. In any case, what matters is that if you have symptoms you seek help for the symptoms and take it from there. The truth is that most of us never know if we were or weren’t abused, as without a time machine we just never know what happened in our childhood. All we do know for certain is that we have issues we need help with. Have you seen a therapist about bulimia? We’d suggest that if you aren’t already in therapy you seek counselling and start talking about what is upsetting you and see what comes up in the safe space of a therapy room. Best, HT.
Hi… I’m 33 years old, and for many years I never thought about my experience with my stepfather, I was so little, but every now and then I would remember one specific occasion, but would just ignore it and think “it’s in the past, I’m a grown-up and it was nothing, I turned out fine”… But for the past two years I’ve started remembering more things… And started to actually cry and accept that it wasn’t ok. No matter how much of a “good father” he was to me, helping my mom to give me the best education and everything I needed , I finally understood I was and, worst of all, I FELT ABUSED back then. When I started to think about it, my first memory was when I was around 4 years old and he used to have me on his lap or close to him watching TV and he would put his genitals out and touch it. I don’t remember if he touched me or how he held me, but the genitals part is very vivid and felt ashamed that I was seeing his “pipi” but didn’t say anything to him. Later I recalled it happened more than once and one day I told my mom that I saw his “pipi” and he gave her a lame excuse but he stopped or at least I think.
My other memory is when I was older, around 9 or 10, back then i shared the same room as my mom and him, who I always called my dad. And when at night he would watch porn on the TV while we were asleep and masturbate because I could hear it. My mom took pills because she always struggled with insomnia, so he was always a heavy sleeper, but I would hear everything.. he would not even turn the volume off and I felt so bad that I didn’t even remember to breathe properly because I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be “hearing that”… It happened almost every night until I was 12 and got my own room. I always gave him excuses like “oh we shared a room and he was a man,man do that” but now that I think about it, I feel angry because we had a TV in the living room, HE COULD WATCH HIS PORN AND MASTURBATE THERE, or he could at least turn down the volume… But no, it’s like he didn’t mind about my well-beingor he wanted me to listen….
I was exposed to porn at such young age, that I was so prematurely promiscuous… I don’t know if that’s the reason but obviously hearing that porn triggered my curiosity and when I got my own room I started watching it too. I was curious to see what I had only heard or only saw glimpses of.
I struggled so much with the things you mention during my teenage and young adult life,
I turned out ok, because I learned that I had to be better…. but I was a very disturbed adolescent. And now I remember how I FELT, I felt abused. And when they got divorced 13 years ago I was sort of relieved. And I don’t really care about being in his life TBH, even though I feel guilty about it sometimes because like I said he was the father I didn’t have. We had lovely moments as a family. But I also resent him.
Sometimes I wonder if it was abuse or it’s just in my head. Sometimes I wonder if I should tell my mom, but I fear she’ll feel too guilty that she didn’t notice or do anything, and I don’t want to hurt her
Sometimes I wonder if I should block and forget he ever existed or even confront him. Or if I should just forgive and forget.
I can’t even talk to him nowadays because the memories are way too strong now to play nice…. I just ignore his messages.
Day, we think you have more than enough reasons to be upset. If you were living in the UK, the definition of abuse has changed and this would legally been seen as abuse, see our article here https://bit.ly/abusedefUK. And we can understand particularly how enraged you must be that as a child you tried to talk to your mother and she brushed you off. Perhaps she felt she was doing her best to keep a roof over your heads, etc, but a child needs to feel safe and protected and prioritised. As for what to do next, you are at that point where it’s all boiling up and you are full of rage, but it’s actually a very vulnerable moment, where you need to go slowly and prioritise self care, any kind of confrontation now when you are vulnerable and feeling sensitive could leave you feeling worse and not better. We’d advise that it’s best for your own wellbeing to work through your very heated emotions and seek professional support over this so you can get to a place where you are stable and strong enough to then decide what next steps work best for you, see our article on what to do next if you think you are abused here which explains what we are saying http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. Best, HT.
The list is mostly “me”, with some exceptions of course, and additions, i.e. I wet the bed until I was about 10 years old. Things in my life finally coalesced once I asked God to show me who (if anyone, I can’t remember any details except as an infant being in their living room) abused me. He showed me it was my parents’ “friend”, who lived 2 doors away from us. They babysat me a few times. Not to go into the details, but once he (my “uncle”) propositioned me when I was in my parents garage (my father had died and I was cleaning up the house getting it ready to be sold). Once that happened, everything “clicked”. He always showed me a lot of attention, but was so so very careful. He always makes lewd and suggestive remarks, always talks dirty. He’s still alive and so is his wife (my “aunt”- my deceased mom’s friend from school). I know for a fact his one son was sexually abused, my mom caught him (at age 3) doing things to my younger sister that no child would ever know about unless they were abused. My mom got really mad and told his mother (her friend). She just laughed! Getting back to what happened, one doctor of my mother’s had asked her if I was abused that way. She asked me, but I said “no” because I couldn’t remember anything (I was about 10 years old and had tried to run away from home, it was because I was going into another school and it was a really bad one and I was afraid to go, as I hated school- I was always very quiet and shy).
Now I finally told my husband what happened. The problem is the few people I know, none of them (Thankfully) have never been abused that way. At least I now know why I had such inner rage as a child, the cutting events of my teenage years, the depression, suicidal thoughts, feeling dirty, hating anything to do with sex (I’d never ever wear low cut shirts, even swimming, I’d always have a shirt on), until my first boyfriend guilted me into sex. He did not believe I was a virgin, even though I had never done it with anyone that I knew of. I used to write depressing poetry as a young adult and he got ahold of it and read it, though I tried to take it away. He asked me if I had been abused, but I told him I couldn’t remember, which I still can’t. Any time I see any sort of ‘rape scene’ on television I get so enraged and upset and cry- I’m usually one to hold my feelings in very tight and never ever want to cry when others see. After being guilted into sex, I became the opposite of my formerly chaste self, I felt like I had to ‘give it’ to any guy who wanted it, not quite a nymphomaniac, but close.
I don’t know what to do about this person who did this to me. I know it was him. I don’t know what to say(I have never been back to see them since!). They are both in their early 80’s and in poor health. I forgive him for what he did, but I am still so shocked, even though this happened in 2020. He ruined the last few times I was in the house of my childhood. Part of me wants to rip him to shreds, part of me is sad for him, maybe he was abused too. But I do not know what to say, if anything. I wrote an anonymous letter last year and sent it to him with certain bible verses regarding his sinful nature. I do not know how many others he has abused. He is very careful about it, he only did it because his wife was sick and it was one of the last times I was going to be over there. I pray he repents of his evil ways, but I don’t know what if anything to say. This still makes me so sad, and there is nobody around here I can talk to about it. I have a degree in psychology (I got it to figure out why I was so screwed up, ha ha!), but that doesn’t do much. Anyway, if you’ve read this far, thank you for at least reading this. I just feel so alone, plus the “not knowing” is still messing with me on some level. I always was a ‘need to know’ type of person. I hate being in the dark about this.
Hi Jenny. So here’s the thing. You say you ‘forgave him’. And yet is that really true? Worth asking yourself. Also worth asking yourself, ‘what does this idea I have forgiven him give me’? You see we understand you are Christian. And that the Christian community puts a big onus on ‘forgiveness’. And then we can feel we are good Christians and good people, right? But forgiveness can also be a false thing we tell ourselves we are engaging in as we feel we ‘should’ and that is ‘what God would want’. Not because we actually, deep down, forgive. And this stops us from actually healing and also keeps us so mired in victimhood all our mind thinks about is all the people who have done us wrong endlessly, we have no joy, we can’t really live. What if you just said, out loud, right now, “I do not forgive him I hate him.” How true does it actually feel? If you are honest with yourself? You see the only way to get rid of rage, fury, and hatred, is to first acknowledge it. To then learn to sit with it and feel it, without it leading to actual actions. And to get proper support to process it, ideally. If you actually read the New Testament Jesus himself allowed himself to rage in moments. And nowhere in the Bible does it say ‘thou shalt forgive immediately’. Forgiveness comes when we finally do let go, and not before. And sometimes it doesn’t come. Regardless, we are pretty sure God would rather you learned how to fully live and be powerful instead of spend your whole life mired in rage and telling yourself you’d forgiven someone. You are not alone. Official statistics place 1 in 4 children as experiencing some sort of abuse, non official would probably make it one in three. And yes, most abusers were abused, it’s a long, complicated part of humanity that unfortunately we never seem to figure out. Regarding the not knowing, it’s what most of us have to just learn to live with. Actually acknowledging and working with instead of denying rage can help, a lot, on this front. Regarding nobody to talk to, we’ll assume you are in America not our country. So we’d google for support groups for survivors, there are many right across America, and use our article for how to find free to low cost counselling for inspiration. http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. There is a lot of support out there and we recommend you do your best to find some and stop trying to process this alone. We wish you courage. Best, HT.
Hello, I’m currently 17 years old and I am thinking that I may have sexually abused when I was younger. When I was around maybe 7-9 I would usually go over to my great aunt and uncles house after school due to my parents working. My younger cousin would also come from time to time to be watched. From some bits and pieces that I can barely remember I think everything was fine, despite a few weird stares from my great uncle. A few years passed and my younger cousin went to court to testify against my uncle for molesting her. When the news came out I was so shocked and disgusted. My parents asked near frequently when ever he was brought up if I had also been molested, but I couldn’t really remember at all so I would always say no- but I’m not entirely sure. My greta uncle was found guilty and currently resides in prison. I’m not sure when his release is. But whenever I hear family members talk about him it always fills me with this sort of dread or anxiety. I’m not sure who to reach out to to figure out if I had actually been molested or not. Does anyone know where I could reach out or how?
Hi Chloe, that all sounds very stressful for you. Many of us never know what exactly happened to us, the mind has a way of getting rid of memories to protect us and unless someone invents a time machine we are left only being able to recognise and deal with symptoms, such as anxiety, depression, sexual issues, eating disorders, dissociation, etc. We have a good article here on what to do if you think you were abused which might be helpful http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. We don’t know what country you are in (we are a UK based company). The best thing would be if you could work with a counsellor with experience of young people worried about or who have experienced abuse. Here in the UK you could either talk to you GP who could recommend you to a therapist and would likely fast track your case given there was a court case etc. Or you could book a counsellor privately if you are over 16 and had the resources to pay for it, of course most 16 year olds don’t so have to ask their parents for help, also in some other countries the age you can book yourself might be higher and you might need their approval. But given your parents asked a lot, then they must be concerned. Could you tell them that you just feel it would be good for you to seek some counselling as you feel a lot of stress and anxiety over it? We have an article here on how to ask your parents for mental health help http://bit.ly/talktoparents. Or is there another trusted adult you could talk to who could help get your parents on board with getting you help? Also note there are many mental health charities for teens and young people where you can call/text/email trained volunteers who are happy to help. Our list of UK charities is here if you are in our country http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines otherwise google for a mental health helpline in your area. We know the idea of talking to a counsellor can feel scary at first but they create a really safe confidential space for you and it can feel a great relief to finally have someone to listen who won’t judge you. Best, HT.
I’m going to be really honest here even though I know it probably makes me sound terrible. I’ve had sexual fantasies since I was about 8 that I’m being raped, hit, whipped. One sexual fantasy I had a lot when I was about 12 was being a sex slave pimped out by my mother. As an adult I’m into BDSM as a submissive. My mum is a very strange woman, she was verbally and physically abusive toward me my whole life. She barely looked after me and I was always babysat by various people like neighbours and family members, whoever would take me. I’ve always wondered if I was molested and I have most of the signs above. I was highly promiscuous as a 16-18 year old. I slept with everyone including men I wasn’t attracted to and any man who put pressure on me even when I didn’t want to. I was forcibly raped at 14 when I tried to turn a man down. I know I need therapy of course and don’t know why I’m sharing this really.
Growing up I did not like being touched, even when someone got too physically close to me I would get scared and ask the person to maintain a distance from me. I wouldn’t even let my parents family or friends come close to me or touch me. I had not hugged even one person until I was 18 due to always being uncomfortable of physical touch. I had anxiety issues and would get panic attacks but never felt safe anywhere. My house was also physically and emotionally abusive so never had a safe space anywhere. At 13, I was sexually assaulted in a bus while traveling for a family wedding, couldn’t share that with anyone as my body and my mind froze. Somehow I always carried that memory with me. After high school, I got into college and had my first depressive episode. During this time, certain flashbacks of being sexually abused at my grandmother’s house came flooding back to me from when I was 8 years old. Bits and pieces of this memory came as nightmares, flashbacks, even to the point that I started questioning everything. I could not remember the face, but I remembered the act, taking off clothes, being touched all over my body and many other things I cannot say. I could not even believe myself if this was even true. But slowly, I remembered the room used to be in, the game we used to play as husband and wife, the time would be afternoon and I would visit them during summer holidays. I still carried those memories and never felt safe around anyone irrespective of the gender. I hugged a friend for the first time I was 20, hugged the first boy when I was 21. He, now my first ex was the only person I ever felt truly safe with. He respected my boundaries, trauma and me as an individual. Since 2016, I had been struggling with recurring depressive disorder, high functioning anxiety and mild OCD. The symptoms would elevate during depressive episodes. We broke up in 2022. I had then no one I could feel safe with. I tried to convince myself if I gave people chance then I could make my body feel safe with other people as well. I could do that with a few of my female friends but not with any man. Last October, I tried to date someone new, had a movie night but he ended up taking advantage of me sexually. It was too late for me to understand what had happened and that I was in a disadvantageous position.
I took myself out of that situation but in the hopes to moving on from my ex, I decided to give myself another chance. Met another guy who seemed nice and all in the beginning but things declined soon after 3 months. I dated him for 6 months but looking at things in retrospective I realised he was taking advantage of me financially and sexually. He would often force me to have unprotected intercourse and would ask me for money and I would never be able to say. Even when I had fever, he would have sex with me and persuade me to have period sex, anal sex even when I was not comfortable. He would always push me to maintain physical intimacy but I was never able to say no despite being uncomfortable. He would repeatedly do these things and I would force myself to feel safe and comfortable because I thought if I never let anyone close to me, I am going to be stuck with this trauma. My friends helped me end things with the man but now I feel disgusted with myself, how I let those things happen to me over and over again. Is it my fault? Will I ever be able to feel safe with anyone other than my first boyfriend? I feel like I made a mistake that in the hopes of getting over my trauma, I gave myself another trauma that is going to be stuck with me. I cannot trust myself anymore, not with anyone, I don’t feel safe and cannot even walk on the streets without feeling anxious and being super vigilant, I cannot handle loud noises or even crowded spaces. I feel hopeless and stuck with depression, my sexual abuse trauma and anxiety. How will I ever find a resolution to this? I am 25 now and don’t see a way out.
What does it feel like to feel safe? Unfortunately, I have never felt physically safe with a man other than my first boyfriend. Ever since I was a little girl, I did not like to be touched. I experienced anxiety and a sense of fear whenever anyone would come close to me. My brain registered me being sexually assaulted with I was 13 year old. I am 25 now and to this day I remember exactly how I froze and could not move an inch when I was being violated by a man. But I did not like being touched even before that. I wondered why cannot I even hug someone or shake hands or just feel safe anywhere. despite coming from a emotionally and physically abusive household I did not think I was that way because of my father who would physically abuse my mother, me and my siblings. It was until when I had my first depressive episode at 18 when it started coming back to me. it started in bits and pieces as if my subconscious had buried these memories so deep that only intense sadness and self harm could bring them to light. I remembered I was 8 years old and would visit my grandparents house. There in the afternoon, I would be part of a game where I would be the wife and someone else the husband. I do not remember the face but I remember he would ask me to comply with acts that husbands and wives do after the man comes home from work. Taking off of clothes and touching, exposure of my whole body. I started getting nightmares that someone was always watching me and trying to be near me. Soon I became suicidal and intensely depressed. I still would not feel safe anywhere and also could not understand why this was happening, if my memories were real. I was 20 when I first hugged someone. 21 when I first hugged a boy, he was my first boyfriend. He was the only to ever make me feel truly safe, always respectful and patient and understanding of my trauma. We were together for more than 3 years (2018 to 2022) but since 2016 I had been getting depressive episodes. no amount of medication or therapy made my episodes stop. After our break up, I fell into depression again and would constantly wonder if I can ever feel safe with anyone else. Then, I pushed myself to get out of this trauma. I went on a date with guy, he seemed nice but on second movie date he ended up taking advantage of me and even after said no, he insisted and I just couldn’t be bold enough to push him. my body froze, all over all. Months passed and I thought maybe I should try again, with someone who would understand. I met another guy through a mutual friend and we dated for 3 months before my depression hit again. 2 months even after depression I stayed with him but never felt safe. During this time, he was financially abusing me and sexually as well. Multiple instances of forcing me to have unprotected sex, other degrading methods that I was not comfortable with, he always needed sex whenever we were together. it would not matter to him if I had fever or periods or I had been indulging in self harm. he would say he understands but ended up forcing me have to sex anyway. I said no, I tried, many times but I gave up, or maybe I was not strong enough to disappoint him. I told myself I have to get over it or else I won’t feel safe with anyone. It has been a week after I broke up with him, my friends were incredibly supportive as he started behaving erratically and would not leave me, forced me to meet in a hotel but my friends helped me. I had to change my number because he still does not stop calling. on the other hand I got to know, he’s been asking about dating other people. Since the last one week, I cannot help but feel disgusted and hating myself for letting someone do this to me. I feel stupid and weak for being so submissive that anyone can just come up and force me to do things. On the other hand, I fail to believe that I will ever feel safe with anyone other than my first boyfriend and I am too scared to even give anyone another chance now. I am 25 now and don’t know how to get myself to feel safe anywhere. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety since 2016 and still harm myself, I cannot seem to get better even after trying therapy, medication, exercise and every possible thing, I am scared that I will never be able to feel the feeling of home. Have I actually been sexually abused or am I just making it up? I do not know and I cannot trust myself around anyone anymore. I cannot walk the streets without feeling anxious, be around loud noises, be in crowded spaces.
Hi, Im 13 and I’ve experienced ongoing verbal, mental, and emotional abuse as a kid from my father. Up until i ran away from his house a few years ago (my parents were divorced so i went to my moms). I’ve been noticing a lot of blanks in my memory and am trying to figure out what happened to me. I don’t know if the abuse ever became physical or sexual or anything like that so I’ve been trying to figure that out. But i do remember a childhood memory from the age of 5 were a boy from my class had became friends with me and quickly convinced me to do a certain act. This act was him rubbing around my vagina area and such and then he would have me touch the tip of penis. A few times i had realized something wasn’t right and told him it should stop but he proceeded to tell me that it was ok. I had brought it up with my counselor who had told me it was sexual trauma and how it explained my body image issues, my struggles with food, etc. Later that same week i had a break down from when i finally actually processed it. But i still think that isn’t really all the sexual trauma i faced but im not sure. Mainly because i always have such a high fear of men, like I’ll be walking down the street and if i pass by any man i get stiff and wonder if he will kidnap or rape me and get prepared for self defense. Even this fear occurs when anyone (especially men) raises there hand or reaches to get something that is next to me, i get worried the person will hit me. Plus i had always remembered that my dad would always make comments on women and would consider them sex objects. He would also tell me what i would wear, if i was allowed certain foods or drinks (like pop, a granola bar, anything that would have the possibility to be high in sugar or calories that could make me gain weight). I also remember him not caring if there was like very detailed sex scenes in movies and his girlfriend would defend him (she would say things like “its part of life” or “its just love, you’ll do this later on”) when i asked him to turn it off or skip ahead so i wouldn’t hear/see it (i was only 8 at the time (to this day i still vividly remember the doggy style posed sex scene and everything)). A year later on vacation i had heard him and his girlfriend having sex in the next door room which had gone on for a majority of the 1 month trip to Italy. I now struggle from 3 anxiety disorders, struggle with low self esteem, body/eating issues, and struggle from depression from all that stuff and more. Although I don’t know if any of that is sexual trauma or not or if all these other blanks from childhood may have any connection to physical or sexual abuse (or abuse at all since its not as bad as others), but now im planning to try to finish high school and study psychology and counseling in university to become a therapist.
Sooooooooo, I see we are implanting false memories in people are we ‘Now’? (Excuse me: ‘Again’ is more correct, i thought we were over that. Like Years and decades and Years and YEARS ago…..AFTER it was repeatedly proven that any time a therapist, psychologist, and/or psychiatrist gets involved the eventual “recovered” memories Almost Always contain Major deviations from what factually happened in the past instances [the ones that turn out not to be Complete fabrications, i mean], like Major Deviations such as who did the abusing, and what the abuse entailed) Interesting ….in a Really bad and Dangerous way that ruins people’s lives, including the victims’…..but not the lives of those therapists, who are making that money 💵 money money money
As a child I was physically exposed whether it was bath time or getting changed and when it came to getting ready for bed I slept in underwear and a vest but when we went on holiday I got to wear Pyjamas maybe it was because we were in a relatives house.
I was forced to stand fully naked in the hallway which I didn’t like, I also had to bathe with another girl and boy which I also found uncomfortable.
I have never felt like my body has be mine because I have had so many people see me and look at me.
I am scared to be intimate with someone and I don’t think I’ll be able too.
I have a lot of gaps in my memory and I do get startled a lot even if someone comes into my room and I’m sitting on my bed I immediately jump.
I have always struggled with this.
This is so mind boggling! Even more all the reactions and replies. Amazing article.
I come from a family of 4 girls. When my sisters and I were little, our parents punished us by taking off all our clothes and underwear and whipping our bare genitals. We’d have to lie naked on a bed with our legs spread apart, and they would whip us with a belt or strap. These whippings were HARD and long (up to 40 lashes). You couldn’t help screaming, and we’d feel pain for days. Is this physical or sexual abuse, or maybe both? I was in High School before I found out that parents don’t usually whip their kids like this.
when i was around 6-7 yrs old i had a glimpse of memory of a relatice taking out his genitals and started rubbing it in front trying to insert in me then i ran out and forgot all the details, when i was primary student from my neighbourhood boys ask me to go to there house to play and they let me lie in bed and they would roll over me, and one of them when we’re playing he invited me into their restroom and told me to touch his genitals (they were all my relatives), when i was younger i was really exposed to this immoral caught my gparents doing it, my aunt making me watch anime sex videos, then after the things happening to me i began craving for it as far as i remember as a child like searching it on website when i was a child, touching my own parts, and even touching someone younger than me his parts or much immoral from what i had remember, this memory really haunts me from time to time as an adult, and feel like i don’t deserve to be here and i really feel the worst shame and guilt possible when that person remember and tainted immoral doings in his memory as a child. I feel like this grievous sin to my grave
Is this abuse? When I was little, my dad would read bedtime stories to me. I’d sit on his lap in a rocking chair. If it was summer, I’d be naked because I slept naked. If it was cold weather, I’d wear a nightgown with no panties. While reading to me, he would lightly stroke my bare vulva. When we were through reading, he would tuck me in and kiss me goodnight. He would fondle my genitals while kissing me, then he would kiss my vulva several times. I enjoyed this a lot because it felt good, and helped me to relax and go to sleep. I thought this is what every dad did with his daughters. I don’t feel like I’ve been abused and have a wonderful relationship with my dad. I’m married and have no intimacy problems with my husband. Is what happened to me abuse, or just affection?
Is it sexual abuse if a person sits against someone who is sexually aroused but they don’t know they are aroused? Or does it depend on who the two different parties are in relationship status to each other?
I am a 52 year old woman who doesn’t suffer from anxiety or have any real mental health struggles. I know for a fact when I was 6-9 years old my best friend/neighbor had a step dad. Everyday he came home from work he would go into the bedroom or bathroom or even the top of the steps- only somewhere I could see him and he would masturbate. This happened regularly- I always tried to look away or turn my back but he made a point to make sure I saw him. I always felt it was weird- I never told anyone- I thought maybe everyone sees it and it’s just normal? One time at the dinner table he took out his penis and just hung it over his leg- only I cloud see… another time I walked into the room and he had a robe on and just flashed me. I’m grateful nothing physical ever happened- and my mom found out a few years later when my friends mom came over and asked if I ever said anything because apparently at a party he must of done it to someone else. I lied and said no. I told my mom years later and she was heartbroken. I just don’t know if it’s ever really affected me. I’m married, I have kids, I probably have my own set of issues but nothing I can account back to this- is that normal? As of late I think about it a lot- I look to find him on the internet- I’d love to just tell him off, flip him off- but I can’t find him.
I am a 54 year old woman who realized two years ago that I was sexually abused by my father, brothers, grandfather, and brother-in-law when I was younger. I was reading a book two years ago, and all of a sudden the memories came back. I remember when I was younger, and I would sleep with my hands over my private parts, and my mother would come in and yell at me to get my hands out of my panties. I remember my brothers coming into the room I shared with my tow other sisters and at night having flashlights and molesting me under my covers. One of my brothers would violently thrust my head into his private area and make me perform oral sex on him. This is why I have trichotillomania. My mother knew all about this and did nothing. My sisters were violated to, but they will not talk to me about it. I confronted one of my brothers about this recently, and he never responded back to me. Before these memories, I loved my parents, but since they are both deceased, I hate them. I cannot be in a room with my brothers, as they sexually abused me. When I was talking to them, I now see why they kept asking me if I remember anything from my childhood. More memories came forward recently with one of my sister’s being pregnant with either my father or brother-in-laws baby, and my mother having an affair with the same brother-in-law. I talked to my niece, and she remembers my mother and her father in bed together. She was also sexually abused by a cousin. My whole family life as I believed to be is one built on lies, and I am hurt, disgusted and angry because no one was there to protect me. My own mother knew what was going on and did nothing. My family is so messed up, but with each memory, the pieces of the puzzle are being built to make a picture of this evil and horrendous family that I wish I was never part of.
Hi, I’m 13, I don’t remember much but I was abused by my dad when I was little. He’s being nice or acting innocent, I tried to tell him I don’t like it and stop treating me like that, he stopped for some time like weeks or months or something, but then continued. And now I don’t know what to do, and I’m scared.
He told me to do stuff I didn’t like.
My mom doesn’t know because he told me that if I tell her she will kill me, but I know that’s now true because my mom would never do such thing to me.
The only person I told and that I trust was my best friend, and he advised me to call the police today. So I guess that’s what I’m going to do.
After spending about an hour here, I guess it’s my turn to write… I don’t know where to start. I feel as though I’ve only been alive for the last five years now, and even those years have not been a life because I have been stuck in bed with such severe chronic pain, I scream my lungs out every day from how badly it hurts. I have mostly the same symptoms as a condition called PGAD (Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder), however my symptoms do not stem from nerve damage, meds, or anything else that is known to cause PGAD. My symptoms are even exactly the same as PGAD.. for the last five years now, I’ve been suffering from this pain— it feels as though an invisible man is poking my cl!t 24/7. If it weren’t for God, I don’t think I’d still be here today. I often scream and cry, begging Him to take me home, but the truth is I am scared and I don’t want to die yet. I want to live. I mentioned I feel like I’ve only been alive for the last five years. Here’s why.. I am 18 now. Everything before the age 14 is either dark, blurry, and in third person, or completely blank and non existent. Everything before the age 11 is even more blank. I have just a couple memories from early childhood, but those are so dark, blurry and in third person. Any other pieces of my childhood that I have now, I’ve gotten from either pictures or working through therapy and also working on getting my memories back myself. Growing up, my father has 50/50 custody of me. He was emotionally and mentally abusive (extreme paranoid narcissist). I grew up feeling like I wasn’t just his daughter, I also had to play the role of best friend, therapist, and wife. I watched many women come and go from his life, but I was his one supply source he’d never lose. When I’d go to my mom’s on her custody days, I’d panic and cry because “daddy can’t be lonely, he’ll be sad! He needs me!” That was my childhood and really all I really associate childhood with. When I was 12 or 13, my father ended up moving out of the state, breaking the 50/50 custody agreement. He still begged me to fly out and visit him regularly though and I never wanted to. I always made excuses as to why. “I don’t want to fly alone on a plane.” So he’d fly to me and then fly back with me. “I don’t like flying.” So one time, he drove all the way across states to pick me up. “It just makes me really anxious.” He’s emotionally manipulate me and gaslight me until I gave in and visited him. I ran out of excuses. I’d go when he’d tell me. Then finally… A couple months before I turned 14, I flew out to visit him. A couple days after I got there, we drove from there out a couple states to visit my grandparents on his side. I hadn’t been there in maybe 4 years prior?.. I was very happy to see my family there as it had been so long. But then the second night of us staying at my grandparents, I had a nightmare that I was r*ped. It wasn’t even a graphic a dream and from an outside perspective, it probably wouldn’t even look like r*pe. But somehow, even having little to no understanding of sex or r*pe and no interest in the thought of sex prior to this nightmare, I woke up and just knew “I was r*ped in that dream.” Again, I didn’t even understand that concept prior to that dream. And somehow after having that dream, I completely understood what r*pe was, what it looked like, what it felt like, what grooming and molestation looked like— everything. There was this voice within me SCREAMING “this happened to me in real life” and I could not ignore it. For the next year, I became completely obsessed with the idea of— not sex— but r*pe. Nightmares of r*pe became regular. Extremely intense daydreams of r*pe took over my life. I LIVED in my head. On top of all this, my PGAD symptoms appeared around puberty and this trip I had with my father and grandparents was within the same half a year as my first menstrual cycle. As months went on, my physical pain symptoms worsened. I went on to have exams upon exams, MRIs, an x-ray, a sonogram— the doctors could find nothing. But I had and still have all these signs and symptoms of sexual abuse. Again, I hardly have any memory of anything up until the age 14– really up until that trip and I had that nightmare. Like I said, I feel like I’ve only been alive since then. Like that nightmare and that trip “put away” past me and “woke up” the me that has been alive since! I feel like a version of me lived and died at the age 6, then a new me from then lived and died at maybe 11. Then a new me lived from 11 to right before I turned 14 and she died with that trip and nightmare. I’ve been here ever since, and I know that I know I was sexually abused at some point, I just don’t have the memory. I have been working so hard on trying to reconnect with these “versions of me” that have “died off” so that I can work my way to remembering my life, or at least what happened. I cut off my relationship with my father back in January by the way.. whether he sexually abused me or not, he was still emotionally and mentally abusive. I have so many random “puzzle pieces” that once correctly sorted can tell me exactly what happened, but there are a few problems… One, I have no idea where these pieces belong. Some of them don’t even look or feel like they belong in the same puzzle! What if there are multiple puzzles (multiple sexual abuse events)?? How do I know?? Because some pieces start to click together and tell me it happened with my father… Then some pieces tell me it happened with an adult male friend of his he invited over a couple times that I have zero memory of… Then some other pieces tell me it was BOTH of them… And then some other pieces tell me the county fair is involved.. some tell me there were multiple YOUNG men… and then finally, there’s this handful of pieces that I cannot allow myself to believe are real, because when pieces together, they create this picture that I was a victim in child sex trafficking, alongside at least one another kid, and I can’t believe for a SECOND that that is even possible!!! My parents had 50/50 custody, plus, I went to elementary school up until 4th grade. SOMEONE had to have seen SOMETHING. And I know without a doubt my mom and family would have spoken up if they noticed anything off. They were always aware of the emotional/mental aspect, and did what they could for me through that. But if these scattered puzzle pieces I have put together this incredibly insane scenario… how would no one have noticed?? The second side to this all is that growing up, my father gaslit me insanely. That’s my father’s first language. And now.. I gaslight myself. I really, really can’t trust myself. I’m so very visually creative; what if my nightmares mean nothing? Sure, I had no idea of sex or r*pe, but I’m creative! My mind could’ve made it up! Or… what if I just LIKE the idea of being a victim? What if I was just born with a wicked and disgusting desire to be victimized and dominated? I felt these feelings literally all my life— I have one memory from when I was only 4 and in preschool. It was Halloween and I was dressed as a kitten. The other kids and I were playing a game where they tried to catch me to make me into their “stew.” I remember this from third person.. I wanted to just go limp and let them grab me and drag me away like a ragdoll; like I was just a lifeless object. I wanted them to drag me and control me and scare me and hurt me. What kind of 4 year old thinks or feels that way???? Was I just born a total psychopath?? Or was I just born a sl*t??? I’ve never been sexually active. I believe sex should be saved for marriage. But if it weren’t for my family (moms side) and God being so faithful in my life, I fear I would’ve put myself in a dangerous and vulnerable situation a long time ago now.. Because I often feel like I’m only good for sex. I feel like a stray dog without its master, and now I’m worthless and I’m nothing. I’m nothing without my master. The painful PGAD-type symptoms I experience chronically feel like they were created in me intentionally. It feels like at some point in a life I don’t remember, a man groomed and molested me in such a way that my little body would be stimulated in ways it was too early for, and then he’d touch me to relieve the painful sensations he intentionally stimulated, but then he’d pull back, leaving my little body feeling this pain that was awoken and then never fully relieved. And then he’d do it again, but then provide a little less relief each time before pulling away. Until finally, he’s created this torment with my body— this addiction. He made it so that my body would NEED him to touch it in order to be relieved of the pain he first created. I don’t know why I think I know that. That didn’t come from any outside source. I never read anything like that, I never heard of anything like that— That all came from this voice inside me that just knows. I know that I know, yet I still don’t trust myself or fully believe myself. Anyway.. I think that whenever I repressed the memory of the abuse or trauma (If this abuse really DID occur), the monster of symptoms or “addiction” he created in my body must’ve gotten repressed too. And I think that once I hit puberty, those symptoms “unpaused” and started up again. Only now, whoever initially did it to me is no longer here to relive the pain or feed the monster he created. The pain gets so bad, I hate it but this part of me inside cries and begs that sexual abuse will happen “again” (if it ever happened at all) so that I’ll be relieved of this. No doctor or therapist has been able to reverse yet, and I think progress isn’t being made because I still can’t trust or believe myself that any sexual abuse happened to begin with. Now I’m stuck with this pain literally 24/67, at all times it feels like I’m being poked in the cl!t and I scream and I cry and I’m just so scared that I’ll never get to live again. I’m so scared that I’ll be stuck like this for the rest of my life. I had dreams and desires. I wanted to get married and have a godly marriage and be a wife, homemaker, and mother. But I’m terrified!! I can’t even look men in the eyes. Even the guy I loved and wanted to have a future with. I was petrified in his presence and fear that men who show any interest in me only see me as an object, toy, or plaything. I beat myself up because I live in my head replaying these scenarios of “what if this happened and I was r*ped” or “imagine one day I get kidnapped and trafficked.” I beat myself up and say “you’re sick and disgusting and wicked!! You weren’t sexually abused, you just wish you were because you have r*pe fantasies!!” But on the other hand, I KNOW that’s not true because I am frankly TERRIFIED at the idea of men even having any interest in me. They’re not r*pe fantasies— that is the LAST thing I want!! I’m so afraid! I can’t even look men in the eyes!! But then how come I can’t stop imagining being r*ped over and over and over as though I like it and want it to happen? And why when I was 4 did I like it when the other preschool kids dragged me in that game and I went limp like a ragdoll? And why did I used to vividly imagine wolves grabbing my limbs, ripping them off my body, and eating me alive until it made my privates physically hurt when I was little? Why why why am I dealing with any of this?? And the biggest why— WHY can’t I just REMEMBER whatever maybe happened if I WANT to remember? I’ve been trying so hard to remember… I mean, again… after pushing and working so hard, I have these scattered pieces, but they’re either too blurry or too out of the realm of possibilities. There’s no way I was trafficked! There’s no way there was more than one man! There’s no way there was another little kid that suffered alongside me at one point! There’s no way that little boy also died during that time! There is just NO WAY. I’m losing my mind!! And I hate myself. I hate myself that I’m so blind and I hate myself for not believing myself and I hate myself for the “r*pe fantasies” and I hate myself for being afraid of men, especially those who care about me, and I hate myself for ever opening this can of worms to begin with. When I woke up from that nightmare 5 years ago, I should’ve repressed that too….. Wow. I must be really messed up.. how can I say I should’ve “repressed that too” when I’ve declared a million times in the last year alone that “all I want is to remember/know what happened to me.” I’m shattered and scattered; divided even within my own self. I’ve been to 6 therapists (including trauma therapists) in these last 5 years and they all end up saying “you need more help then what I can provide” and then pass me around like it’s a game of hot potato and I am the potato. I don’t know where to go from here, honestly. I’ve spent these last few years so determined to figure out the truth and never give up… but I’ve now reached the point that I wish I could go back and somehow either not have had that nightmare, not have gone on that trip, or just forgotten that nightmare… but something tells me that it would’ve come out one way or another. If not that trip; if not that nightmare, it still would’ve reached me somehow. Not to mention, the PGAD-type symptoms. I guess this was bound to happen. I was bound to end up here, stuck in bed screaming in pain, my desires for my future crushed. If what happened, happened.. and he did it.. whoever “he is,” whether it was my father, his friend, a group of teens, or all of them separate or combined… He broke me. They all broke me. They ripped me open and gutted me and tore me apart. Then I put on some nice clothes and a mask and I covered it all up. It worked for a few years. I survived. And then suddenly, that cover up started to fall apart. Not enough though. I don’t know how, but somehow I’ve managed to cling on to whatever is left of my mask and cover up claiming “I want the truth out!!” but still withholding it somehow. I don’t know how. I really do want to remember. Why can’t I? What am I doing wrong, what’s stopping me from remembering? Is it because I won’t believe or trust myself? How can I believe something that has no proof or that I have no memory of? What if my signs and symptoms are just symptoms of my OCD or Autism or what if I really was just born a sick little sl*t with a wicked and sick love for r*pe fantasies? (I wrote a part 2)
Part 2…
I recall having this terrible nightmare when I was around 7 years old. I remember the dreams I had throughout my entire life more than I remember my actual life. In this nightmare, I “woke up” in the night and slowly crawled out of my bed and headed for my door which was wide open and the hall light was on. But before I could make it to the doorway, I was grabbed from behind. Two unidentifiable young men grabbed me and started tossing me back and fourth between each other like a ragdoll. I didn’t fight it. I shut down; dissociated. I just let them throw me around. Somehow at some point I was stripped naked. At some point, they started forcefully shoving my face and mouth into their naked rear ends and their laughs surrounded me and the room was filled with this green smoke and they said “breathe in it” and laughed some more. This was the scariest nightmare I’ve ever had. So scary and traumatic, I dissociated IN the dream. I didn’t know that was even possible. To be honest.. I’d consider the possibility of this maybe being an actual memory of real life and it not actually being a dream.. But this dream took place in my room at my mom’s house, where I was safest. And there’s no way two young men appeared in that room in the night and filled it with green smoke and threw me around, reeking havoc and being as loud as they were, without waking anyone up. There’s no way two young men could’ve even gotten into the house. So I know it was just a dream.. but a child doesn’t just dream those things because they “have a creative mind.” Right? Or could that have been all it was? A nightmare. Not a memory.. not based on a memory.. I did EMDR with 4 different therapists in the last 5 years. Little to nothing ever came from it. If anything did come up, it was just nausea and panic. Back in June, I had an EMDR session with my last trauma therapist. Before going in, I prayed that I’d see whatever I needed to see at this time/point in my journey. Then I went in for my session, and for the very first time.. I saw something. So clear. I was in my bedroom at my father’s house. I was little. A man was in there with me, another man was watching in the doorway, and there was possibly a third also in the room with another little kid. I was naked. This man in front of me was naked. There was oral r*pe. Then it cuts and now I was crawling on all fours, still naked, and this man was sitting on top of me, also still naked, “riding me” like a cowboy on a horse saying “Yee haw!” like it was a game. I was not laughing like he was though. I had no expression. I was zombie like. I was just.. gone. There was another image that took place in that same room. I was sitting on my knees and this man was standing behind me, over my shoulders, resting his privates on my shoulder. I feel like I felt like the world was watching. But really, I feel no emotion regarding any of these images. I feel nothing at all. It feels like I got somebody else’s memories dumped into my head. I felt nothing at all during that EMDR session too, other than first being sure they were real memories…. And then quickly convincing myself they were fake. With all the nightmares I’ve had my now, my mind has enough imagination to work with. I can’t trust anything that comes up. Especially when I feel nothing towards it. I’ll say it again… I have all these scattered puzzle pieces… so many things that could’ve happened, that I can’t trust or believe at all. I know so much, yet not enough. I know both everything, and nothing simultaneously. I don’t know what to do anymore. One moment, I know whiteout a doubt that even if I can’t remember it, I was sexually abused at least once in some form. Then just a second later, I shame myself and doing anything ever happened at all. I’m a mess. I somehow managed to write so much here, and that’s still not even everything. There’s so much I haven’t even gotten into. And I won’t hear… cause this is already too much. It’s far too much, especially knowing there’s no one who can respond to this and tell me “oh yeah, you were definitely sexually abused” because no one was there, besides whoever would’ve been involved. I know that the only thing that can be said is to keep trying therapy… But I’ve ran out of options in my area. We’ve already put in thousands of dollars into doctors and therapists who haven’t been able to help me at all. There’s literally no one here who specializes in any of this to this extent. Everyone passes me around to the next person. I’ve even gone to the hospital a couple times and they rejected me because they don’t do trauma therapy apparently and wouldn’t know how to help me. I’m so tired.. I am so, so, so tired. And I think I’m gonna end this here as I started writing this at 2am and it is now 4am. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do or say. I’m just tired.
So when I was 8..my parents found that my backpack was filthy. I was in the shower at the time. When i stepped out they got super angry and started slapping me. I didn’t have anything on. They yelled that i didn’t need clothes to go outside and pushed me outside naked. My mom kept slapping my ass and telling me she’d “beat the hell out of me” and while i don’t think anyone saw me I felt sexualized.
Afterwards my mental health significantly declined for a child. I began doing “suicide experiments”, seeing how i could kill myself.
Another time when i was around 7, my babysitter took nudes of me and my 5 year old sister, saying we looked cute. It seemed suspicious that she thought we looked cute only when we had absolutely nothing on but i thought she knew best. She also brought in another woman with her and they both kept staring at our bodies and laughing.
I’m not sure if this even counts as SA. It feels totally invalid.
I’m 15 now and while i have gotten slightly better there have been some times when i have sudden nightmares and flashbacks to it. It makes me want to cry.
Does this even count as SA?
I’m 35, I have small children. I don’t remember exactly being abused in any way shape or form but I am so untrustworthy around certain people. My eldest brother I trust with my life. My children have stayed I felt no issues what so ever about it I was relaxed etc. However another brother, I have a small anxiety about but it’s not to over whelming but my 3rd brother. I have huge issues with. Ny daughter has planned to stay there one night and I am really worried. His wife left him and I am thinking he’s done something etc. I don’t no where these feelings gave come from because he is such a nice person will do anything for anyone. He’s funny he’s kind he’s caring etc I have no reason to believe he has a bad character. So why do I have this feeling?
I struggle with knowing if some experiences are abuse or not. I had a very sexual behavior when i was a child and got very promiscuous as a teenager. Now, I dissociate when having sex with my husband.
The experiences that I remember the most while growing up have to do with my mother. She use to talk a lot about sex with us. We were six years old and she thought it was a good idea to give us a sexual education talk. After she finished reading the “kids book” she began telling us the nasty details she did with our dad. How “delicious” it was to have vago al contractions (she used that phrase). When I grew up a bit more, I was maybe 8, I started exploring my body, one day she caught me in the act and smelled my hands asking me if I was touching myself. I told her no, and she insisted I was because my hands smelled as vagina. I asked how she knew and then answered something like: believe me, I do. Years later, I was 12 maybe, we were watching tv and she told me she wanted to watch a sex movie, I asked her why? And she made this cheeky face and answered: idk. At that same age she let me read her romantic novels full of soft p*rn. She even let me read a story regarding pedophile. She used to make this super super loud noises when she had sex with my dad. She knew those would wake us up, even my dad told her to shut up and she wouldn’t. I saw them having sex a couple of time when I was 9.
Are those experiences sexual abuse or am I exaggerating?
Came to this article by chance and want to share my experience: I’ve been abused several times. First I was a baby, second with 8 years old, third was with 17 and third with 23.. How? Therapy, dialectic and Gestalt, has helped unveil and give names
For the ones who wrote and those who didn’t yes it’s a long road and you may have behavior issues for a long while, you may repeat patterns and ask why…just know there are professionals with vocation; like these articles; there to help (spoiler alert work is from all professional, environment and the most important: yourself)
Alot of this seems very accurate to my life, I think I have trust and intimacy issues as I have purposely sabotaged a lot of relationships before they became serious, and yet I hate myself for it. I wasn’t necessarily abused as a child but I did have a very early sexual encounter with someone my age at the time – around 8 or 9 years old. I was staying over a friend’s house for a sleepover where we watched a softcore porn film, I got up to go to the toilet and when I came back he was lying on his bed naked waiting for me. I freaked out and ran away to hide in the bathroom. I demanded for his parents to call mine to come and take me home. Me and him never spoke about this again, and he has since come out as gay and is dating a much older man. I’m not gay, but possibly bisexual – which may be a product of this? Could this count as sexual abuse or be a traumatic experience in some way? I recently met a girl and gave cut it off when becoming serious, I don’t know why.
It seems everyone I know was probably sexually abused as a child judging by your profiling. I definitely was if we go by your definition and I remember it clearly like everyone I know who was actually abused remembers it clearly. I thought we had moved past this false memory syndrome, family destroying rubbish. Don’t trust any organisation that tries convincing you they can help you recover from a problem you didn’t know you had if you pay them. They just want your money and they don’t care the emotional damage they cause in the effort to get it. Mary, you weren’t abused, that was just growing up with a mother who was clearly open and free about her sexuality which maybe went a bit too far for your comfort . James, it was obviously not sexual abuse, was it traumatic for you? Only you can answer that but it just sounds like two boys discovering themselves and one was more comfortable with his sexuality at the time and now by the sounds of it. He’s openly gay and you don’t know if you’re bisexual. Not my intention to slight people’s experiences but these people only want your money and they only make things worse.
I’m 29. I read a story about sexual abuse recently (which is something I’ve read before, so I don’t understand why this time’s different…) and it affected me in a strange way. I’m beginning to comprehend that there might have been more to something that my mother said (in passing) happened to me when I was under 1 years old, than I initially thought… It would explain a lot, but I was so young that I don’t remember anything. I can’t stop thinking about it now. I’m also worried that I’m convincing myself that something happened when it didn’t. I will mention it to my psychiatrist, but what if she agrees with that idea? I don’t want to talk to my family about this. How do I deal with this question without an answer?
Hello, I made the last reply and I just wanted to provide an update. I am still processing what may have happened to me, but I was able to share my concerns with a few friends who I trust, and today, I spoke to my psychiatrist. I am looking into group therapy. This blog post helped me open up about my concerns, so I wanted to express my gratitude. Thank you.
Ok my niece she was 12 years old and she told me that one night her stepdad layed in the sam bed with her because her mom was in jail and she had on shorts and he started pulling them to the side and pulled out his penis and started humping her between her but cheeks he didn’t penetrate her and that he had well you know cam all over her she was scared so she didnt know what to do we told her mom but she didnt listen idk what to do
Hi I wanted to share something because I have very bad issues with trusting myself but I have this memory of when I was little I don’t remember the age I actually don’t remember much about this incident but all I know is that i was young if I had to guess maybe 5 or 6 all I remember is a man hand dragging me into a room and then my memory cuts to him pulling down my pants I remember looking back but for some reason in this memory I couldn’t see the person face it’s as if my mind drew with a black marker over him. My memory cuts again and suddenly I’m laying down on my stomach on a bed and he’s towering over my behind. In this memory I only remember those parts and the layout of the room nothing else. I’ve had these memories for as long as I can remember the reason I’m not sure it happened tho is simply because for some reason I don’t trust myself enough to say it was real I don’t have the guts to tell myself it’s real this doesn’t help though because it’s something that constantly plays in my head yet I don’t know if it’s real or just a bad dream.
I lived with my grandparents as I was growing up and various aunties / uncles, one uncle alaways lived at home. I was abused by this uncle from 8 to about 14 / 15. full sex penatration, oral, mental abuse threatening. He had also abused my mother years before. I had to witness my step father forcing my mother to show me and my cousin how she gave him oral sex. This stepfather also also attempted sex with me several times. My grandfather showed me his penis once but didnt do anything else. My nan used to drop me off at a mans house, I have a memory of abuse from him, but its vauge. I can remember being promiscious and had boys gather around when I was very young and I lifted my dress etc to show my vagina and later I would show my boobs.
I have been physically, mentally abused by boyfriends and physically, mentally, sexually abused by my ex husband.
5 yrs ago my son died by suicide and the night before he told me about being abused by his biological father, there were signs before, I went to the police in 1998 but nothing was done, then when my son died I was told things should have been done in 98 when I gave them documents, but said we couldnt do anything now as my son died.
I cant afford any therapy and I hurt like hell.
I’m 13 now but I was around the age of 6 or 7 when my father first sexually assaulted me and now I’m left with not liking my body or showing any part of it like my arms, legs, belly and that kinda stuff I also was physically and verbally abused but him with now I cry really easily but t at the same time I can just turn off all emotions Im also really jumpy but I’m talking to someone I’ve also contacted the police and told my mum it really helped me when I was old someone and I think that any adult or child should tell I trusted person and if your a kid tell a teacher or your friends mum or you parent (not liking if they’re the one hurting you) obviously but seriously tell someone if you haven’t please and I’m want you to know that your loved and that your kind and brave and that you u didn’t deserve anything that happened to you
I was sexually abused at the age of ten. I have healed. I just recently remarried and my wife’s 16 year old daughter was sexually abused and molested in two different occasions. The most recent was about a year ago. I have a good relationship with my stepdaughter and have been there for her during this traumatic time. Her predator was a family friend and has been sentenced to 15 years. Since then her behavior towards me is on the borderline of inappropriate and her other family members noticed odd behavior. We will set boundaries and she is seeing a therapist. We will speak to her therapist but I wanted to know if this is normal behavior, because it’s as if she has replaced her predator with me. It’s just a very uncomfortable position to be in. Thank you in advance.
Walter
I believe I was sexually assaulted by my Uncle when I was sixteen. I remember sleeping over at his house once because my family was visiting. When I woke up in the morning on the lst day, I went to the bathroom and when I wiped, there was blood. I know I wasn’t on my period because I remember my last cycle was just under two weeks before this happened. The bottom of my body felt achy and I knew it was him. Prior to this, he had done things to make me uncomfortable. When I was 15, he put his hand up my shorts, I just sort of froze because I didn’t know what to make of any of it. My throat is dry as I’m talking about this and it’s frustrating but releiving that I don’t remember everything. Just being around him makes me uncomfortable because he’s done a lot more. They seem so little to me now, but I’ll share anyway. I can’t remember this situation clearly, I’m pretty sure I said a swear word or something but his response made me extremely uncomfortable. He told me that he would “put me over his knee.” I was 15 when that happened. The way he looks at me makes me uncomfortable s well. Like I was sat on the floor with my sister and he was sat in hs chair,but he kept staring down at me. He didn’t look away once, because every time I turned to his direction, I saw him stare. This happened in april. It’s frustrating because he is part of our family and I don’t know how I’d tell anybody.
I was sexually abused when i was 13 and it was on my First Holy Communion day! I was in the middle of my puberty and bedwetting because of it and wore cloth diapers and plastic pants to bed every night.For our First Holy Communion,all of us girls had to wear a poofy,knee length,short sleeve communion dress and veil with the lace anklets and white maryjane shoes and under our dresses a white tee shirt with a cloth diaper and plastic pants.Mom put my bedwetting diapers and a pair of my white plastic pants on me with the tee shirt as my top.After my party was over that sunday after noon,my parents took my relatives to catch their flight back home,so i was home alone.A male cousin stopped by to give me a card and saw me in my outfit and got aroused!He hugged me,then put his hand up under my dress and felt my diapers and plastic pants and got even more aroused! The next thing i knew i was on my knees giving him oral sex! He told me it is what girls are supposed to do to make men happy! I was so ashamed of my self and never told my parents about it!
I have been having issues with my sexual life for a while, always shamed to do anything sexual and always afraid to not be disgusting or dirty. I never understood why, I was always afraid of men and to be alone with them. I have issues trusting men and just overall different things I hate without being able to understand why. I am extremely jumpy and extremely scared of anyone touching me.
I always thought it was because I was antisocial and just unused to talk to people outside of my family, to this day I don’t know. I have blank spots in my childhood memory, I remember things but not completely, like they’re erased in certain places, I can’t remember it but I don’t want to make false scenarios in my head.
I don’t know what is wrong with me and going through the things you said, I realised I have experienced most if not all the symptoms you have mentioned.
I am afraid, I don’t want to falsely accuse anyone of doing anything, I am afraid I am fine and I am just over analysing everything but I am genuinely lost.
I am an adult and I have been an adult for a long time now, yet I still can’t get comfortable with the idea of a sexual relationship. It scares me, I am afraid of the pain, of being dirty. I am scared of anyone touching me that way, I have unholy fantasies that I have no idea where they’re coming from.
I don’t know anything anymore, I am scared of myself.
I have recently started to feel like i have to remember something I forgot from when i was a child. When i was younger (between the age of 3 to the age of 10) i used to act really “sensual”, have fantasies about older kids/men having sex with me (most of the time with violence) and when i was 3/4 i used to pee on a mattress while thinking somebody wanted me to do it because it was “enjoyable” to them. As a child, i was always angry with my father and after he died (while deleting his texts) i saw he texted me “Wanna bath together?”. It was through telegram, so maybe he didn’t know it was me and i don’t think it was my father the one who did it, but we didn’t get along and he was pretty abusive, so I’m not sure.
I never thought this was weird until a few months ago where i started to have the feeling that i was r4ped as a child. I don’t know if my mind it’s deceiving me or if it’s there really a possibility that i was sexually abused as a child. I don’t have the courage to share this with my therapist because maybe i wasn’t really abused…
Hi,
I have always had symptoms of childhood sa like imagine of being raped, scared of sex, guilt and shame around my body but I was never raped so I just thought those were trauma responses because I was also verbally abused. Recently I have been thinking about a few incidents that I feel really disgusting about but I am not sure if they count as sa. My grandparent are friends with a childless couple. Let’s call them Ernie and Anna. I would always see them at family events. Once when I was somewhere around the age of six I was wearing a dress to a family event. Anna came up to me and yanked my dress up because she wanted to see what my panties looked like. I was so embarrassed because the room was full of people. As I grew older and started puberty Anna always complemented my body which I didn’t mind but she also touched me without consent. She would touch my waist or my collarbone or my shoulders. When I was around 15 maybe 16 she started touching my chest. I remember once she put her finger between my cleavage. This whole memory makes me feel uncomfortable but does it count as sexual abuse?
Thank you 🙂
I wasn’t spanked much as a child, but I’m a spankophile. I have recurring images of me as a 2-3 year old being whipped by a babysitter. She’d strip me naked, tie me down with my legs spread apart, then get the whip. I vividly remember her whipping my bare penis. The pain was horrible, and she’d tell me not to tell anyone. Could this be a false memory, or could it be true?
I hurt myself as a child (prob 4-5 yrs). I remember wanting to know where the ‘holes’ ended and if they were connected, I had mild bleeding from the vagina which eventually stopped on its own. My mom made my dad examine me to see if everything was alright. She was present when he did it. I vividly remember this and remember feeling very uncomfortable and ashamed. It was more the act of standing there exposed. I know what they did was not right, but was it abuse? I mean there was no sexual intent right? I dont have any other memories but i keep feeling that things are not alright. I was fine with my dad for a long time, but the way he rubbed my back a couple of times a few years back have made me extremely uncomfortable and I stay away from him , now I wonder if there was more to my childhood that im missing. Am i overthinking this? I hate my parents and Im not on talking terms with my mother. Im 45 yrs old now and still wondering!
My entire life I had this distant memory of me being touched in a way no child should be touched.Ive convinced myself that im just making it up but why would a child make up stories of how she was SA?.There were things I knew when I was 6 , 7 that I shouldn’t have known which makes me question if what I’m remembering was true.Its strange because when I was a kid I used to think that I was the bad person and I SA someone idk why I used to think that I was to young ig it was a way of coping.im 17 now and still confused on if I was SA or not I get pretty uncomfortable around guys alone especially when I was kid.Like when my mom was sleeping and my brother was the only one awake I would be very scared.
When my brother was arrested for molesting his stepdaughter for 14 years, I realized he had done the same to me. He is 7 years older and I believe it started once I became potty trained around the age of 3.
My family is already so fragmented from the discovery of my bro and his stepdaughter. Should I tell them about my experience, what if they don’t believe me?
It’s very confusing that memory of childhood sex abuse can be buried or discarded by our minds while the effect of the abuse continues to plague our lives.
I struggled my whole life (I am 54 now) with anxiety, fear, zero self esteem and unexplained guilt and disgust with myself. I walked around with all the pieces of the puzzle in plain sight, my father avoided me and could never make eye contact with me, I have constant nightmares about the house I grew up in, my stepmother hated me with jealousy.
It ruined my life, I recreated sexually and physically abusive relationships with men. I was violently raped by a stranger as well and I felt like it was my fault.
I never put it all together until therapy from the NHS this year but they only give people 11 weekly sessions so I have one left then I’m on my own with it again.
There’s so much to sift through in my mind. My mother and father got divorced when I was 2. My mother abandoned me with my father and he sexually abused me. Then he moved into a hippie commune and left me there while he finished university and worked. I was sexually abused at the commune by two men and their sons. All of this happened before the age of 5. An Uncle and an older cousin also sexually abused me later in life and my father continued until I was about 12.
I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to recover from it all but at least now the burden of feeling like I am a dirty and bad person who deserves a painful life has been lifted off of my shoulders. I now understand that the bad and dirty people were the adults in my life who exploited me instead of protecting me