Toxic Friends – Who They Are and What to Do Next
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 12, 2023
By: JD Hancock
by Andrea M. Darcy
Friends are forever, as the saying goes.
But is it actually a good idea to keep all friends forever? Can you have ‘toxic’ friends? And if so, what should you do next?
Are they really a ‘toxic’ friend?
The internet has led to an era of labelling. Words like ‘toxic’ and ‘narcissist‘ are bandied about far too easily, and real connection is sadly getting lost.
So first things first – yes, some relationships are unhealthy and it’s important to learn the signs of this. But it’s also important to ask good questions, like, is your friend really ‘toxic’? Or are they going through a hard time or a big life change that means they are not themselves? Is it possible you are actually bored with them, and creating this ‘toxic’ drama to avoid admitting to it?
Signs of an unhealthy relationship
The signs that a relationship isn’t a real friendship but an unhealthy alliance are the same as if you have an unhealthy relationship with a family member or with a romantic partner or colleague.
They can include the following:
- you are constantly criticised and putdown
- he or she does not respect your personal boundaries
- they do not live up to agreements you’ve made between you or lie to you
- an unequal give and take of time, energy, and goodwill
- you do not share personal values but rather they behave in ways that make you uncomfortable
- you struggle to relax and be your real self around them
- you are constantly drained and miserable in their presence.
By: Deornelas4
It can pay to take a moment to consider how you ended up ‘friends’ in the first place. Did you slowly get to know each other and realise you shared mutual values or positive hobbies and interests? Or did you quickly unite over something negative and unsupportive, such as a love of drinking or both hating your boss?
[Read our comprehensive and free Guide to Relationships for more on the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship.]
When is it time to just walk away from someone?
Abuse in it’s various forms – physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and financial abuse – are all valid reasons to make a clean cut.
If a friend hits you, even as an apparent ‘joke’ or if they later claim it won’t happen again, they need help and you need to take care of yourself.
Verbal and emotional abuse can be trickier. When to draw the line? With verbal abuse, be sure you do not have a real problem with overreacting and actually push people into criticising you. This can be a habit if you grew up with a critical parent.
With emotional abuse, learn the signs. Read our article on “Things You Say to Hide Emotional Abuse” for more information.
Financial abuse happens when someone steals from you or manipulates you for money. It can happen slowly over time and it can feel confusing. Talk to someone you trust if you need support.
How should you approach friendships that have started to feel strained?
Cutting someone out just because you no longer feel connected to them is neither fair nor wise.
It means you have missed an opportunity to learn about yourself, practise adult communication, and set boundaries. And you’ll probably walk right into a similar relationship until you finally learn these things.
So stop pretending things are fine, and try to deal with the situation with as much honesty and communication as possible.
Find a private moment and have a talk, making sure to keep your language blame free. Merely share your observations (preferably backed up with facts) and how you feel. Be open to the fact that you could be wrong – you might not have the whole story about what the other person is going through that is affecting their behaviour, for example.
What NOT to do when leaving a friendship behind
It’s also important to look at what NOT to do when trying to put a friendship to rest.
- do not bring other people into the discussion (it’s between you and them)
- do not gossip behind his or her back instead of talking to them directly
- do not approach them publicly or bring along other people
- do not assume it’s all their fault, either – relationships consist of two people.
Be honest with yourself and take responsibility for any way you might be contributing to the strain. What expectations do you have of the other person, for starters? Are these expectations fair? And how did this relationship begin? Did you, for example, meet them at university when you were lonely and they seemed exciting, choosing to overlook their unreliability that they did not hide but you now call ‘toxic’?
So it’s okay to move on from friendships, then?
We all grow and change throughout our lives, and it’s neither realistic nor healthy to expect to stay friends with everyone. If you no longer share interests or a mindset with someone, it’s okay to be honest with yourself and them that your friendship was great but has had its time.
What might be the sign that something isn’t okay, however, is if you constantly find you are ‘breaking up’ with friends. If you can’t stop throwing yourself into intense and damaging friendships you then feel a need to escape, do consider seeing a counsellor.
It might be that your childhood has left you unable to differentiate between what trust is and isn’t, suffering a fear of intimacy, or with low self-esteem that leads to destructive choices. A counsellor can help you get to the root of the pattern and change it. It could also be that you suffer from borderline personality disorder, a highly treatable condition.
Harley Therapy connects you with some of London’s top self-esteem counsellors who can help you form healthier relationships in the future.
Andrea M. Darcy is a mental health and wellbeing expert and personal development teacher. She often writes about trauma and relationships. Follow her on Instagram for useful life advice @am_darcy
I had a toxic friend who wasn’t there for me in person except maybe twice I mean I get he has two jobs and he has a girlfriend and is in school but I can’t accept his excuses anymore eventually I had to end the friendship because it was so one sided I was there every time he needed me but when I needed him he wasn’t around very much he supported me yes so he had some good qualities but not many I just felt drained from being the only one putting any time and energy into the friendship sure he was sweet for a little while but then after he got a girlfriend and they became serious he started acting differently like he got mad easily he acted more agitated and he wasn’t the guy that I knew he turned into a completely different person I’m not sure what happened to him it might have had something to do with him leaving church and his girlfriend changed him negatively
It sounds like you have obsessive thinking around this person. Set boundaries, and then move on with your life and your interests. If you can’t, it’s an idea to see a counsellor as the situation might now be an obsession.For example, you might be projecting all the sense of people letting you down from childhood onto this other person.
I wasn’t let down as a child just with that one friend I’ve got anger and resentment yes because of it I’d see a therapist but I’m not sure how that would go or which one is the right one for me I’ve been talking to my friends about this situation because that’s generally how I handle this kind of thing because I was so close to this guy as a friend and yes what I said is true he has changed a lot I’ve tried to set boundaries but he crossed them every time he listened in on a phone conversation I was having with my friend and another time when I was talking to my brother and then a third time when I was talking to my boyfriend and he had his girlfriend drive around the block twice to spy on me I’m not sure if I should get the police involved or if I should talk to this guy about it I’m trying not to think about it but it’s just so upsetting and I found that people grieve st their own pace I know because my dad died five years ago and it’s gotten better over the years but I know it’s never going to be completely better just like the situation with my ex friend he’s going away to college so I won’t have to deal with this anymore until then I really do need help finding a therapist
Hi Lauren, we’ve responded to you on the other article you are commenting on. In summary, you do sound very stressed and anxious and it would be a very good idea to find some support. There are many articles on here about how to choose a therapist. We can’t comment on things like police etc as we are only hearing your side over comments but do what feels right for you. Take care.
Yes I’m very stressed out and that’s why I run every day and I go to church every Sunday but I’m still feeling no relief maybe what I really need to do is talk to Dominic himself about this and let him know that I’m feeling this way because of the fact that I felt he wasn’t there for me like a real friend should be that along with therapy will help but I’m not sure which one to go to I’m in Ohio by the way so there are many I find it very therapeutic talking to you on here as well also I forgot to mention that I’m also feeling scared and lost I don’t know if I should tell my ex friend about it this to save the friendship or just leave him behind
I’m under a nurse practitioners care for anxiety but I don’t have a therapist yet I don’t know where any of them are can you give me some idea as to what state they live in so I can tell my mom which one would be the most appropriate for me yes I am very stressed out about it and kinda confused because I’m not sure what to do next I’m not sure if I really am obsessed with him or just repeating myself a lot which tends to happen I’m kinda scared to talk to him but I know I have to in order to get him to stop listening in on my conversations with friends and to get his girlfriend to stop driving around my neighborhood like a crazy girl I mean I don’t want to get myself in trouble but it has to stop I’m terrified
Yes I’m taking care it just helps to talk about what happened you know since I’m not really having anxiety at the moment I’m just really upset by it and I feel like you as a therapist know what it is that’s going on and what was going through his mind as well as mine more then anything I’m scared because he was my friend for so long fifteen years actually he was really sweet a long time ago even last year but three months ago he started to let me down a little bit at a time he wasn’t there for me when I was having anxiety really bad that’s gotten better a little bit although I still feel sick when I see he’s home or outside but I know I can’t be his friend again he’s not the guy I used to know I stay up late thinking if only I’d known things would have gotten this bad maybe I could have stopped it from getting so bad or at least I could have ended the friendship sooner I already know what went wrong he’s overly obsessed with his girlfriend I might recommend this website to him as well as I think he could use some therapy as well
Lauren, unfortunately we are only a website, not a helpline, which you would probably benefit from more, as we can’t provide the immediate attention and help you need. We are also in the UK. But we did a Google for you, and there are actually many free organisations helping teens in your state and country who you can phone or text for free. We highly suggest this.Don’t feel nervous to call, that’s what help lines are for.And they will be more able to help you with finding a therapist in your country, as we use a different system here. Here are some examples of places to contact
https://teenlineonline.org/talk-now/
https://www.crisistextline.org/
https://oregonyouthline.org/
We hope it goes well.
Hi Lauren, we are British not American so we are not sure really how your system works but it makes sense to have a chat with the nurse practitioner and let her know that you would like to speak to a counsellor she might be able to help?
Hi Lauren, this kind of overthinking and feeling you are in danger are all signs of anxiety. We are glad to hear that you feel the anxiety is not as bad as usual, but again, we do highly recommend you reach out for proper support. Talk the nurse or contact a helpline such as the ones we’ve listed after another one of your comments. We hope it works out!
I’m for sure going to talk to her about all this but I still have no idea why he was doing these things I don’t know if he’s mad or upset because now it has escalated to the point where he’s giving me weird looks oh and I forget to mention a week after I ended the friendship Dominic had his car door wide open for a long time like he wanted me to go somewhere along with listening in on my phone conversations I’m not asking for online treatment I just want help understanding what’s going on here and how I should be feeling as well as if there’s any immediate danger like is this stalking
Hi Lauren, as we said before, we can’t tell you how to think and feel about all this as we don’t know you or the other person and his side of the story. We strongly feel that you should consider reaching out for support as it seems you are suffering obsessive thinking over all this and severe anxiety. Do at least look at the hotlines we recommended. All the best.
Yes I will for sure look at the hotlines I know I sound obsessed but nothing like this has ever happened I know I feel shocked and confused like he thinks I did the wrong thing or something but I’m 100% sure I did the right thing and he might just be trying to make me feel guilty about ending the friendship with him but I don’t feel guilty at all I’m at peace with all of it I’m not afraid because he finally stopped doing what he was doing because I told another neighbor what he was doing and that it concerned me and he told him to stop as it was frightening me really bad at the time but now I’m just shocked and confused I heard that it can take years to get over something of this nature it very well might right now I’m allowing myself time to vent and heal at my own pace
I will look at the hotline I’m sorry if it seems like I’m obsessed I’m not in just really confused and not sure what I should do I’ve never had to end a friendship with anyone before not for a while not since high school I’m also feeling a little lost because my dad died five years ago and this guy did help me out of a few jams I sometimes wonder if I made the right choice although I’m almost sure it was maybe I miss the person he used to be not who he is now he’s changed he’s gotten a lot more irritated and angrier he’s not even the same guy he was last year even guys it’s not really easy for me you know I’m new to this it’s like I had to leave a part of me behind
Lauren, to be honest you sound hurt. It is very possible that losing this friendship has triggered your feelings about losing your Dad. And you are transferring all your hurt and rage about that loss onto this one. This is why we really feel you need to reach out for support. You deserve it. It can feel scary to call a stranger on a hotline, but they are happy to hear from you. And it’s the same with booking a session with a counsellor. It takes courage, but once you start, it will soon feel normal.
Lauren, you are stressed. it’s entirely normal. Five years is actually quite recent when it comes to losing someone you love. And when we are grieving we take other small losses as big ones. Do take care of yourself. Try not to blame this young man, he probably is doing the best he can, sometimes in life we just fall out with people and have to let go. But what is important here is to take care of yourself. You deserve some real attention and support. By the way, we didn’t mention it, but our sister site offers Skype sessions no matter where you are in the world, you might see someone on there you feel you’d like to try talking to? Some of them are low cost. https://harleytherapy.com/therapists
Yes I am hurt from what Dominic did he betrayed my trust when he wasn’t there for me when I was sick or when I was having anxiety really bad he should have been there so I’ve got every right to blame him and his girlfriend both they are both responsible for what happened she should have been less controlling and clingy and he shouldn’t have let her do that yes I’m still recovering from my dad’s death but these are two separate issues that should be handled in different ways yes I know I did the right thing I’m not sure he really did do what he should have done or did the best he could sometimes even a persons best isn’t good enough I’ve learned that so even if he was doing the best he can it still wasn’t enough for me I’m not sure what the link to your sister site is could you post it so I can see if I can find the help I need
Hi Lauren, it’s https://harleytherapy.com/
Does it require any money as I’m not sure I’ve got enough money and my mom doesn’t know I’m seeking treatment for this situation also are any of these people in America
Hi Lauren, there are millions of therapists and counsellors in America, yes! We don’t know your age. If you are very young you’d need parental permission anyway. We suggest you call that hotline we told you about and ask them for their advice.
I’m 32 so I’m not that young I have a job but it doesn’t pay a whole lot of money I don’t know how much it costs that’s why I asked you
I’m 32 and have a low paying job so it’s possible I could cover part of the cost of treatment so so you know I need treatment for anxiety nothing else just anxiety and stress too I know I did the right thing ending the friendship with Dominic I think if I had stayed his friend things would have gotten worse instead of better things have gotten better just so you know I still feel anger towards him for what he did but I’m at peace with my decision to end the friendship now I’ve kind of made friends with my choice I’ve got other friends which is a good thing and a wonderful boyfriend I feel less anxiety since getting back together with my high school boyfriend although I still have some anxiety because Dominic is my neighbor I don’t feel like talking to him anymore though whereas I would run to try to catch up with him but not anymore so things have gotten much better right now I think I just need someone to talk to I’ve made videos of what happened to kind of put it out there to share my experience with everyone I know I started running again after a two week break I had a grade three lateral sprain on my ankle but I’m okay I’m scared that I’ll see Dominic again when I don’t want to talk to him
Hi Lauren, you’ll have to go to the site and do the research or research people near you. Each therapist charges differently. I’m afraid we don’t have the resources to do all that research for you.
Those sound like positive improvements, we are glad to hear that.
If you really think the anxiety is stemming from the loss of my dad are you suggesting I go back to a friendship where I wasn’t happy? Because I think it would make more sense to talk to my mom about it or a counselor or even my new friend Roger could help I’ve only known him for three weeks but he seems really nice
Hi Lauren, to be very clear again we are not telling you to do anything. We gave some feedback that is all but we trust you to make the best choices for yourself. All the best.
I’m letting go of my friend of 30 years because we are not able to have simple chat about things in our past. I’ve learned from our past and talk about it in a general way of having learned from it. She tells me it is hurtful when it is brought up. I only used it as an example to both our daughters that regardless of what happened, let it go. Her thoughts twisted my words into a hurtful conversation when in fact it was used as a general lesson learned on both sides.
After she exploded, and said we need to talk about the facts to get it right, I said, I’ve forgotten about the details, only remember that I was thankful we worked it out.
I pointed out that she’s not able to forgive and forget and move-on.
She likes to point out that no one is perfect. Agreed.
But I’m done living in her past. Looking for a new friend to create new memories, even if they are not perfect.
Hi Karen, what comes across here is a lot of anger. Relationships are difficult, and we can all have different communication styles. When they go wrong, it takes time to move on. And it’s okay to feel angry and upset for some time after. What we notice here is that perhaps you both have different definitions of ‘moving on’. As for her, if you were still talking about it at all, that could come across as not moving on. For you it’s not remembering details that is moving on. So it might be a question of trying to see each other’s perspective. We also suspect there is a lot more going on then you are mentioning here, as a solid friendship of 30 years wouldn’t falter over one fight. In any case, friends do sometimes fall apart, it’s part of life. And sometimes we just have to accept we no longer work as friends and move on. But if it’s really just anger, if this really is a friendship worth saving, then it’s worth talking, as friends are very important in life.
Hi everyone
my old friend is trying to reach out to me throught facebook but I am really hurt and can not explain , how i am feeling toward this person, I don’t know how to tell them i am not interest in a friendship any more.
What about just like that? “I no longer want to be friends”. If you don’t want to be friends why does it matter what they think of that? If you find this level of clear communication throws you into paralysis or guilt, if you can’t even share what you think and feel in a non blaming clear way with someone you don’t even want in your life, then is this fear over communication a pattern in your life? And where does it come from? Where did you learn you can’t set boundaries? And how much is this holding you back in all areas of your life? More than enough to seek counselling over. Best, HT.
I lied to a potential romantic partner about my living situation, I live with my parents. I was at the time, ashamed to say it. And now they bring up me lying everytime I try to suggest we take the friendship forward, i.e. hang out or just talk on the phone instead of texting. On my own, I’m doing everything to change, from how I talk to my peers and how I react to things emotionally. Is this one of those things that are going to take time or should I just cut my loses and stop speaking to them?
Hi Yvonne, relationships are based on values. They work when we share values, and fall apart if we don’t. So if that other person has ‘honesty’ as one of their main values, then they are naturally going to really find it difficult to trust you now. Look at your own values, what matters to you. Say, for example, you value wealth, and someone pretended they were wealthy when turns out they are unemployed and in debt. Would you just say ‘oh okay no problem’? No. You might still then slowly develop a sort of relationship, if by chance you had other shared values, but there would be a gap. And it’s understandable. Neither person is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ in such a situation, just two people with different values. So we can’t tell you what to do here, it’s up to you. And what you want from the situation. But we are also getting the idea from what you saying you don’t even know this person? You’ve only ever texted them, is that correct? Long-term texting is not a relationship, of any sort, it’s just texting, mutual distraction, and has it’s own hazards. Real relating comes from meeting someone in person. Or at the very least video calls if you met over the internet and live far apart (but even then you must meet in person to know if you actually get along). If someone doesn’t want to meet you in person then there’s your answer, every time. Best, HT.
I’ve been best friends with someone for 10 years and we’ve grown up together, gone through university together but now through an argument involving others they want me to cut out other friends and not meet up with others. I understand they’re hurt by them but these others haven’t done anything to me. I find myself making myself too busy to meet up because I’m struggling having this same conversation but they are my best friend. Are we in a toxic friendship?