“Am I a Good Person?” What to Ask if You Aren’t Sure
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 8, 2023
By: Ivan Malafeyev
by Andrea M. Darcy
Worried that you aren’t a good person? That you might secretly be flawed beyond fixing? Or even, dare you say it…evil?
The secret question many of us ask
At some point we all find ourselves in a period of transition, facing big decisions that can leave us worried about our self concept.
And if we had a difficult childhood that gave us self worth or identity issues, we can tend to always make it a black and white issue – are we good, or are we bad?
Of course in this day and age of social media, people also worry about whether they come across as a good person. Which is arguably a different thing than actually wanting to be one.
But it raises some interesting questions that can bring clarity:
- How long have you had this nagging feeling you aren’t a good person?
- Deep down, what is the real reason you want to be a better person?
- What do you think being a good person will change for you?
- Is it really about being a good person, or is it about something else entirely that you need to address (including childhood experiences you haven’t resolved?).
What is a good person from the view of psychotherapy?
It’s a question debated since the very beginnings of psychotherapeutic thought. But relax, as nobody is expecting you to be an angel in these parts.
Freud described the human psyche as a three-part battleground. He believed in an instinctual part with sexual and aggressive drives (“id”) going up against a moral conscience (the “super-ego”). And the battle between them is mediated by “the ego”. The most we can hope for is to find a balance.
Jung, on the other hand, felt we misunderstood our ‘bad’ side. He called it the ‘shadow’ and felt it had gifts we need. Anger gives us boundaries, for example, and sadness allows us to recognise joy. Life is about integrating all the pieces of ourselves, including the shadow side, into a healthy and productive balance.
And Viktor Frankl, the creator of logotherapy and perhaps the most qualified to speak of good and evil given that he survived a concentration camp, didn’t believe any of us are strictly good or otherwise.
“We must not try to simplify matters by saying that these men were angels and those were devils,” he stated. And he also said, “Life in a concentration camp tore open the human soul and exposed its depths. Is it surprising that in those depths we again found human qualities which in their very nature were a mixture of good and evil?”.
Frankl suggested that a good person is rather someone who constantly chooses to be ‘decent’. He felt in every moment we have that choice. “There are two races of men in this world, but only these two — the “race” of the decent man and the “race” of the indecent man.”
Whose definition of ‘good person’ are you using?
By: Leon Riskin
Looking at Frankl’s definition, do you know what being ‘decent’ is for you, personally?
A feeling of being a ‘bad person’ is often because you have internalised someone else’s skewered viewpoint of yourself and haven’t taken time to form your own.
This could be, for example, a strict and critical parent whose voice you have internalised without realising it. It sounds like that little voice in your head saying, ‘you never try hard enough’, ‘you could do better’, ‘I am so disappointed in you’.
- What to you is decent behaviour?
- Where did you learn these ideas? Are they really your own, or your parents?
- What are your personal values? (Yours, not your parents, or your friends, or even your partners)
- Is your idea of a ‘decent person’ realistic? Do you know anyone well who lives up to the idea you have in mind? How could you make it more attainable?
- What do you already do that helps you feel like this good person you have in mind?
- How could you do more of that?
But I really am a bad person
Do you have really dark negative thoughts that scare you and leave you sure you are a bad person?
Thoughts alone do not make you a bad person. They are just thoughts, and if you don’t take action on them, they stay just thoughts.
The problem with such intrusive thoughts is that they create a cycle of low moods which causes self- esteem to plummet. So the more you have negative thoughts, the worse you feel about yourself.
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a type of therapy that specifically focuses on the link between thoughts and moods. It can help you learn to catch your negative thoughts and make them more balanced, helping you avoid yet another cycle of depression and anxiety.
But what if I did something terrible?
Then you did something you are not proud of. It might mean you have some serious work to do on yourself, and that some people are going to not like you for a long, long time (if ever).
But it does not automatically mean you are evil or a sociopath.
By: versionz
Despite what the internet would have you believe about sociopathy, and some poorly researched yet widely publicised studies? Very few of us have traits from the ‘dark triad’.
Recent government statistics, for example, show that it’s only just over 3% of the UK population that qualify as having antisocial personality disorder.
And note that those who do qualify as on the triad would not be bothered to research if they were a good person. The fact you are reading this article makes it very unlikely you have antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or otherwise.
And even if you did, there is actually no scientific proof that you can’t change.
But I was born bad
Research increasingly show that babies are not the blank slates once thought, but naturally altruistic. Wynn and Bloom, Yale psychology professors and experts on child morality, state that “babies show concern at others’ pain and sorrow, make spontaneous efforts to console others, and spontaneously help others even at external costs to themselves, suggesting that helping others is intrinsically rewarding.”
Instead of being ‘born bad’? Most of us who have done things we aren’t proud of were born, and then had experiences that left us us traumatised and feeling helpless. And this can lead to anger issues and rage.
Shame can stop us from seeing that we have also done good things. Or that we can’t change the past, but we can make a different choice in the present.
Why do I never feel like a good person?
Again, it’s often linked to difficult experiences when a kid, or childhood trauma.
Many children internalise trauma, feeling like somehow it is their fault that the bad thing happened to them. And that guilt creates strong hidden beliefs that you are bad and unworthy.
Recognising and changing these beliefs and processing the repressed emotions of trauma can mean you are free to finally see that you are not what happened to you. And that you don’t have to be ‘good’ and ‘bad’, but can be somewhere in the middle, doing the best you can. You might after all just be perfectly imperfect, like everyone else.
Need help being your better self? We connect you with London’s top counselling psychologists and psychotherapists. Or find a UK-wide talk therapist or online counsellor on our booking site.
Andrea M. Darcy is the editor and lead writer of this blog. She has training in person-centred counselling and coaching, and loves to write about trauma, ADHD, and relationships. Find her @am_darcy
This was very helpful with all of the illness that i have from my families,school and more.
I was beat up when i was a baby,i have p.t.s.d., bipolar,depression and,anxiety personality disorder plus seizures i just found out about the personality yesterday. This is all from mental and physical abuse all my life until i was almost 26 years old
Kim, that sounds really tough to have lived through. We are glad the article helped!
I feel awful about myself and I worry that I am not a good person at all. I got into an argument with someone last year online and I’m still thinking about it constantly, I can’t get it out of my head.
I asked a question about how to deal with racism to person A. A few months later person B quoted me and asking me “why are you obsessed with how black people are discriminated against? Ain’t no black person that constantly asks questions about black people because they’d already know. Truth be told I think you are a white troll”.
This hurt me a lot because they took my question out of context and created a narrative of who I am as a person without ever meeting me or knowing me at all. I was called a name by this person which I personally perceived as a personal attack so I made a thread topic that said “have you ever been randomly attacked by some font you’ve never interacted with before. It happened to me recently and I found it weird. How did you deal with it?”
I asked this question because I was hoping to see how other people dealt with being name called as it was the first time I had to deal with that on the internet (or in general) and I didn’t know how to respond to it. Person B came into that post and told me “you are so passive aggressive! I asked you a simple question and you say that I attacked you. You didn’t even have the courage to @ me. You are so weird, I think you’re so weird! I hope you don’t behave this way in real life or else there’s something wrong with you”. I responded that “if you don’t like what I’m posting then ignore me and move on. I am not explaining myself to a stranger on the internet, if you don’t like my posts then don’t read them”. Person B said that I made the thread to gain unwarranted sympathy and I was pretending I don’t care about a strangers opinion (I never said that, I also didn’t want to gain any sympathy).
While all of this was going on I was dealing with so many life problems that the added stress was too much. I don’t feel proud of myself for this but following this interaction with person B, I thought, “if it’s an argument they want, it’s an argument they’ll get”. I argued back and forth with this person and continued to do so even after they told me to leave them alone.
In hindsight I regret all this and engaging with this was low level so it wasn’t a mature response but I don’t deal with conflict in real life so had no idea how to deal with conflict on the internet, hence why I had made the initial thread asking for advice on being personally attacked.
I feel like a bad person for the way in which I handled this. I harassed another human being but I felt at the time that it was either harass or be harassed. I wish I could receive some feedback on how I could have handled this better and advice on dealing with conflict in general. I hate it and try to avoid it at all times because I don’t like the way conflict makes me feel afterwards and I struggle to get over it hence why I keep constantly ruminating in my head and constantly thinking about this internet feud with no end in sight.
What could I have done differently? I don’t understand the mistakes I made or how I could better handle this in future? I’m not proud of myself for any of this.
Hi Crissy, first of all, you are not a bad person for engaging in a conflict even if it ended badly. Even if you said horrible things. You are not. A. Bad. Person. You are a normal person. We are humans. Being humans involves a certain amount of conflict, upset, hurting others, and being hurt. And it involves making a whole lot of mistakes. We either learn to accept that, and be compassionate with ourselves for doing out very best, or we hide out from the world and miss out on life. What we’d say here is that this is not about that other person, it’s bigger – it sounds like anxiety. Your brain is caught in cycles of rumination, and if it wasn’t this situation it would be another. And your anxiety is severe enough you can’t stop thinking about a situation from the past and it sounds like it’s really affecting your quality of life. Therefore we’d highly recommend you seek support for your anxiety. You might find cognitive behavioural therapy, CBT, a great start http://bit.ly/CBTTherapy. You don’t have to talk about your past, which might just trigger anxiety… it focuses instead on helping you gain control of your negative thoughts and to learn more balanced ways of seeing yourself and the world. You might also want to look into self compassion. It’s about learning to be gentle on yourself, sounds easy but it’s an art – one that naturally raises our self esteem and helps us get on better with others. http://bit.ly/selfcompassionHT Finally, check out our article on how to communicate under stress http://bit.ly/feelignored. Good luck!
Thank you Harley Therapy for replying to my comment. Thank you also for the articles on communicating under stress and self compassion, I found them very helpful in learning to be kinder to myself. I will try to look into CBT near my area if I can find a good therapist who specialises in CBT. I do feel like I have struggled with ruminating for as long as I can remember but I have never been formerly diagnosed with anxiety.
One thing that really getting to me regarding the interaction I described in my first comment was the person’s claim that I behaved passive aggressively and their further claim that I am passive aggressive. No one in my entire life has ever described me as passive aggressive so I’m really confused by this. No one else who watched the entire argument ever described me as passive aggressive either. I would like to know if you think that I behaved in a passive aggressive manner or not regarding the conflict I described.
I was accused of being passive aggressive, I don’t think that I am and I would like to think that I know myself pretty well and can accurately describe my own characteristics. Passive aggressiveness would not be one of them.
In person, if someone has upset or annoyed or done something I perceive to be intentional then I don’t see the point in talking about it with them over and over or arguing back and forth with them for prolonged periods. I simply make a note of what they’ve done mentally and avoid them in future or be civil to them if they’re a colleague but keep an emotional distance. I don’t badmouth them behind their backs or try to get other people to see them at fault or on my side. I do speak up for myself when I feel it’s necessary and address people directly if the issue is important but for minor slights such as someone rolling their eyes at me or acting uninterested when I talk to them, I just assume maybe they don’t like me and I won’t speak to them in the future but I’ll still feel bad about it and think a lot about it afterwards.
Perhaps it’s a self esteem issue to assume minor slights such as eye rolling = people don’t like me? Or maybe it’s over sensitivity mixed with ruminating that makes me feel like this? But I don’t think I’m passive aggressive though I do struggle to express my real feelings to others, only happens when I’m forced to. Truthfully, I just want people to like me and I don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings or make people have negative judgements on me. Avoidance is usually how I deal with conflict because of this.
To add on the comment above, I think I’ve figured it out. I can’t be myself when I’m around other people, it takes me a long, long time before I can get to know people and feel like I can be myself around them. With everyone else I’m a version of myself that suppressed my true emotions. I don’t know why I’m struggling with that. It’s not something I do voluntarily. Honestly, I don’t really know who I truly am so I can’t even show that to other people even if I wanted to.
Hi Crissy, people are complicated. We obviously can’t tell you who you are or aren’t over a comment box, particularly as really this is an edit of how you see yourself. What we can tell you is this is an excessive amount of self-analysis and ruminating coupled with low self-esteem and our best guess would be that there was some complicated parenting in your past that meant you had to change who you were to receive the attention and care you needed. We would highly recommend you seek some support as this is an awful lot of mental suffering and it doesn’t have to be this way. Take care.
Thank you Harley Therapy. Final point then I’m done, I promise. This part of your comment “We obviously can’t tell you who you are or aren’t over a comment box, particularly as really this is an edit of how you see yourself.” I was unsure what was meant by this. Are you saying that other people’s view of you is a more accurate description than the way you see yourself? Not trying to be difficult or anything, I just wanted to clarify this because I feel that sometimes people can misunderstand or misinterpret other people’s actions and see negative intent where there was none. To what extent can I trust someone else’s view of me? Are they more accurate than the way I view myself? What caused me emotional anguish in this situation was that it involved someone putting intentions on me that I honestly never had and them wanting me to accept that their view of me is the accurate one and not the way that I see myself. It made me question whether I was losing my sanity or consider if I had already lost it.
This will be my final reply. Thanks for your comments.
Hi Crissy, again, this is a serious amount of overthinking and anxiety and a huge over concern for what other people think of you. And we highly suggest seeking support over this as soon as you can. And you could say life is about getting to know ourselves, and it comes with life experience and gained wisdom and a commitment to self discovery. In life we are surrounded by many pressures, and we are affected by everyone and everything around us, such as our families growing up, and school environments. We create multi layered selves to survive, more or less depending on how many difficult experiences we face. We develop what are called ‘coping mechanisms’, you are exhibiting a strong one of defensiveness. And we also can hide from the fact that we are more alike than different to everyone around us. We can all be angry, mean, sad, we can all do bad things, just as we can all be incredibly kind, generous, and thoughtful. It’s part of being human. But when we have low self esteem we can want so much to be perfect instead of accept ourselves as human and just like others we repress our ‘shadow side’ but at a cost. We lose our personal power, our ability to set good boundaries, and our ability to not care what others think. (Use the search bar to find our article on the shadow side if its of interest).In summary, if we meet someone very self aware and life experienced, they might see us more clearly than we see ourselves, yes. Each interaction is different. For example, a therapist tends to see each client far more deeply than they see themselves, and helps them recognise, accept, and empower their true selves while dropping the false selves they have created to protect themselves with.
Hello,
My ex and I had a very intense and addictive relationship, and I take responsibility for much of it as I was completely lacking in awareness. I was impulsive in my thoughts and actions even giving her a copy of my keys to my apartment within two weeks of meeting her. I’m currently working through CoDA and other forms of self reflection and work. I feel bad because I had no intention in hurting her and honestly, was just seeking a companion to grow with time. My problem has always been that I lose sight of what I want and start moving a bit fast. Now, my ex had been two months out of inpatient and outpatient treatment for many things including an eating disorder, depression, and paranoia. She was saying something about using men to cope, too…maybe SLAA. My problem was that I started to become jealous and suspicious for no reason at all.
A few weeks later, I had a bad hip injury and she suddenly felt off and needed to go….for some reason I became needy asking what our status was….after only 5 weeks…. it’s ridiculous.
Anyhow, there were lots of back and forth… sudden breakups then coming back. Finally, she said she wanted to continue seeing me but without commitment. I agreed but the next day she received a text from a random number about a date, and I looked at it. Needless to say, that was the kiss of death and I regretted it then and do so now 9 months later, especially given that she wanted me to come to therapy appointments with her…she just couldn’t do commitment, yet.
After the breakup I was still in contact with her, stupidly. We were going to meet up to talk as she broke up via a written letter, but cancelled. Then said we could me but only on sparingly basis and nothing romantic. My therapist told me if I didn’t stop talking her she would end treatment, so, I tried to focus on me, and even went to a Codependent Anonymous Group.
However, I was sad, stressed, and unable to sleep several days in a row. I became paranoid and convinced my ex was out to get me. I tried to reason with myself but it became a delusion of persecution….it happened suddenly and I acted on it by contacting her mother about my fears. They called the police, and I’ve never heard from her again.
I was diagnosed with brief psychotic disorder due to extreme stress and sleep deprivation. How do I forgive myself for this? We had issues and it became unhealthy; but I never had ulterior motives or anything of this nature. How do I continue forward, I literally hate myself. I have a lot of healing to do but we actually had a lot in common and similar dreams….we just needed to heal, slowly.
Am I a bad person…it wasn’t intentional? It was a break in reality but still?
Thanks.
Hi there, is this really the question you are asking? As it feels like you are asking, really, with all this explaining, or really justifying over asking, ‘is it okay for me to find her and go back out with her?”. This is an unhealthy situation. Two really unhealthy people don’t a healthy relationship make. This wasn’t even a relationship. It was a ‘pain share’. This situation is so toxic you lost yourself to it. You are not a bad person. You are a person who is still addicted to another person. Or, actually, to pain. You are addicted to the pain she caused you. You could replace her with someone else to be honest. It’s not really about her at all. You hardly knew her. It’s the pain that keeps you coming back. Something to think about. We could almost guarantee that as a child you loved someone who caused you pain, and your brain has confused pain with love, when the two are totally different things. So keep getting help, keep moving forward, and stop trying to justify the past. The past happened. It can’t be changed. It was not good. You don’t need to ‘heal together, slowly’ together. Explaining it a million different ways and then some will not change it. But what you do have control over is this exact moment, and what comes next. Make it a different story. Heal yourself. Become someone who wants love over pain because he finally realises he is not better or worse than anyone else and is just as deserving of good things and love as anyone. Good luck.
Really lovely way to put it, thank you!
Glad it resonated!
I’m such a terrible person, and I hate myself so much for it. I can’t even stand myself. All my friends probably hate me but pretend to tolerate me and I’m probably faking having an anxiety disorder for attention because my life is perfect and I have nothing to complain about. I shouldn’t even need to be writing this and I’m taking time away from people who actually need to talk. I’m so sorry I shouldn’t even be writing this I’m fine I’m so sorry. Why can’t I stop focusing on myself for five seconds. My parents never beat me or anything my was fine, everything that’s happening is my own fault. I wish I was dead.
Hi there. So we’ve never met anyone with a perfect life. Or a perfect childhood. You are suffering from disordered thinking and cognitive distortions. Even if you are just attention seeking, there would be a valid reason for it. We don’t have to have a big ‘trauma’ to have difficulties arising from our childhood. Sometimes a ‘perfect’ household means we are only loved if we, too, are ‘perfect’ children. We are encouraged to suppress who we are and what we feel, which is not healthy, and grow up to feel lost as adults. Whatever the reason to find yourself with these kinds of thoughts, you evidently have very low self esteem and a desperate need for attention, you could even be suffering from borderline personality disorder (BPD), although we can’t say based on a comment and that might not at all be the case. Regardless, we’d highly suggest you take it seriously and reach out for support. We have a list of free and confidential UK hotlines here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. If you are over 18, you can also seek therapy without anyone’s permission, in the UK you can talk to your GP if you want a free referral. If you are under 18, we have an article on asking your parents for mental health support http://bit.ly/talktoparents. Best, HT.
Today during a class my friend and I were teasing each other, but there was a new girl in the classroom who didn’t know us
I’m tall and clumsy so that’s something my friend makes fun of me for. I make fun of my friend for being short and being goofy. When my friend asked me to get them a paper saying they were to short to do it I went and got them one and then teases them by holding it out of reach for a few seconds before giving it to them. After I sit down the girl says, “you’re a terrible person.” She then talks about how bugging my friend for being short was mean.
I never do this with people I don’t have that kind of relationship with. I had just started to feel better about myself. I’ve finally stopped defining my worth with academic success and apologizing for everything, but I really stopped functioning after that. I’ve known truly terrible people who have gaslighted me and spread rumors about me in middle school. Thinking that I could be like them without realizing it scares me. It also scares me because it makes me feel like what they did was my fault.
Hi Evan, it’s clear you are a sensitive, caring person. Try to cut yourself some slack here. You had no intention of being mean. We all make mistakes all the time as humans. Particularly when we are in groups, where the dynamics can get tricky. You and your friend know each other and know that beneath the banter you like and respect each other. The girl is not, from the sounds of it, a friend who knows you well. It’s good to consider other people’s perspectives, it’s how we learn some things about ourselves or learn new things. But we have to be secure in who we are. We can’t let every casual comment or judgement by someone else throw off us our centre. The fact that now you have taken this small event and blown it up to even rewrite your past and create very real anxiety is what concerns us. As it sounds like you might be quite fragile and with with a tendency to what is called ‘cognitive distortions’, where our mind jumps to big conclusions that don’t really match what’s really happening. Have you ever thought about talking to someone about the bullying you experienced? It’s great that you have started to move forward and feel more secure, but we feel you could use some support to stablise your sense of self further and to recognise your inner resources and how to use them to cope better. Is the counsellor at school someone you could feel comfortable talking to? Would your parents be open to helping you find some support? We have an article on how to talk to your parents about mental health and seeking counselling here http://bit.ly/talktoparents Best, HT.
Hello…..I am a 49 year old gay guy, I grew up as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses…..
I came out as gay when I was 25, my lovely mum passed away at 41, when I was 22….. my world shattered. I decided JW’s wasn’t for me….. and being Gay isn’t an option in the religion…… I confessed to my dad that I was gay…..I was then disfellowshipped ……. cut off from the rest of my family that are in the religion ….. when I told my dad, he said , ” In Jehovah’s ( god ) eyes you are dead, and to us , you are dead also…..unless you turn around and come back .
I’m kinda over it now……I think…..but sometimes i do feel extremely guilty about me . Sorry….. but I do
Hi Justin. Any sort of religious cult of even strict church can have a long term very deep effect on our sense of self. This sort of experience implants a very deep belief that we are somehow ‘evil’ that can lead to all kinds of self sabotage. And being cut off from family and all that we know can cause a sort of long term complex PTSD. Given that your mother died around all the same time, a very difficult experience, it’s not at all surprising you’d sometimes feel guilty. But you did nothing wrong, at all. It’s also okay to not be over it. These things manipulate our unconscious they are extremely powerful and it’s normal to be affected so try to be compassionate with yourself. There is an interesting writer named Jim Palmer you might want to look into and follow on social media, he is an ex Pastor of a hugely popular church who now focuses on helping people ‘detox’ from such places and find their own version of goodness and God and rebuild their self esteem. And please do consider counselling if this is affecting your daily ability to cope. All the best, HT.
I feel stupid asking for help and wasting your time with someone so insignificant but I have always thought that I am a horrible person. I have had life pretty good but when I was ten I almost never saw my dad and I missed him a lot. When I had grasped the fact that he also everything else I know and love would die at 11 I decided to try to stop showing any affection to anyone. I thought that by not loving anyone or anything I would never feel suffering. This is true but at the age of 11 it is a bit of an extreme thing I think. I in my late teens know and my dad now always says when I don’t hug him or show affection towards him that you never know what might happen. I feel like an awful person to everyone I know and to my self because I can’t seem to stop and it has caused me what I think is depression. I am sorry to waste your time. You don’t need to respond.
Hi there. So we don’t know you and we can’t diagnose anyone over one little comment. But is it possible that somehow in the hidden parts of your mind you decided you dad not being around was your fault, is that possible? And that if you never let anyone that close again, you’d never get that hurt again, right? As your self esteem is dangerously low. You don’t even feel worthy to leave a comment on a site where anyone, from anywhere in the world, can comment. Your father is a grown man and his decisions were and are nothing to do with you and will never be your fault. Now you are angry at him and you are keeping him at arm’s length, which we can understand, but it means you are also closing yourself off to feeling good. We really feel that you need proper support here. Not just as we are a therapy company, but because you are depressed, perhaps dealing with a lot of repressed anger that is keeping you depressed, and, again, have extremely low esteem. We want you to take this seriously. We are aware you feel you deserve nothing but you absolutely do deserve things, and you deserve some support. Is there anyone you can talk to? An adult you trust? A counsellor at your high school? Would you be open to telling your parents you really need someone to talk to? We have an article that tells you how to talk to your parents about this http://bit.ly/talktoparents. If you are in the UK where we are based, we’d suggest you go to your GP and tell them you feel low, they can arrange for you to receive free talk therapy. And if you are ever really low, don’t hesitate to call a free help line. Google for one in your area, there are often ones that specialise in teens, if you are in the UK you’ll find them in our list here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. And consider using free tools to get your feelings out like journalling http://bit.ly/journalmentalhealth and tools to help you feel more connected to yourself like mindfulness http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. We know everything feels horrible right now but please hang in there. In a few more years you’ll be independent, making decisions for yourself, and an entire new world will open up for you. Being at teenager is extremely tough at times. The trick is to keep going. And try to go easy on yourself. It’s okay to be confused, sad, angry, upset. You’d be amazed how many people feel this way despite appearances. It doesn’t make you different or unworthy at all. It just makes you human. Best, HT.
I having a hard time
Reach out for support. Book a session with a counsellor or therapist, or google for a free and confidential mental health help line in your area. best, HT.
I think I’m legitimately a failure. I’ve been to therapy and everything but ultimately I just disappoint myself and everyone around me. I always mess up and ruin relationships I form with people. Most of the time I just avoid attachments all together. When I was 7 my family moved pretty far away from where we were living at the time and my oldest brother decided to stay behind. He never answered my calls or anything and pretty much abandoned me. My dad was always home but super distant and was only emotional when he was in a rage. My mom was always at work. My other brothers pinned all the families troubles on me. I often think that I deserve everything bad that’s happened to me. I think I deserved to be abandoned. I understand why he did, I don’t like me either. In fact, I hate almost everything about myself. I’m a hypocrite and a liar and a burden on literally everyone I come across. Nothing is ever good enough. I focus on every mistake I make and think about it relentlessly, but never anything good. I think I’ll probably have depression and deep self loathing as king as I love and I think I’m slowly coming to terms with it. I think I probably deserve that, too. I don’t even expect anyone to read this. Why would they? But I guess it sort of feels good to lay out rather than bottling it up like I always do.
Hi there Jade. This is what is called ‘cognitive distortions’. http://bit.ly/cognitivedistortionlist. Our mind becomes hooked on black and white, negative thoughts, amongst others. But you are not actually your thoughts. Nobody is their thoughts. We are all much bigger than that. And nobody by the way is good or bad either, as the article discusses. We are all just humans doing our best. You say you have ‘been to therapy’. What type of therapy was it? How long did you attend sessions for? We don’t see things here that can’t improve with the right support. We see a lonely, scared young woman who probably has a lot to offer the world, but needs to feel validated and seen. Best, HT.
My close friend has always been there for me and I love her but recently I’ve been snapping at her a lot, I just got back into the working class after being homeless and it’s a weird adjustment to have people wanting to be around me, it used to be just me.
And I guess it was comforting having my online friends at my back but recently I’ve been getting short responses. I try telling her it’s frustrating and I’m trying but she comes back with “There are no right or wrong answers Loz” And I’m just wondering if I’m gaslighting her? I don’t want to hurt anyone and losing her would be soul-crushing, I’ve tried looking it up if I’m being a bad person, I’ve been causing the same argument at least once a month where I feel so paranoid that I end up almost accusing her of being against me?
She hangs around with someone who sent death threats to me last year and then calls me controlling because I always use it as a point of contention- if I’m using the word right idk, I don’t want to be that but I just don’t know how to approach any of this. I’m not looking for a diagnosis, I’ve had three therapists and not one of them has been able to wrack their brains over what’s wrong with me. I’m just looking for advice on how not to be a total jerk, I’m tired of always having to back people into corners and then have to be calmed
Hey there. So there is a lot going on here. We can’t solve all these issues in a comment! But we’ll say a few things. People are complicated. You are complicated, she is complicated, truth is, we ALL are. So human relating is never perfect. Sometimes it works, sometimes it feels uncomfortable. And that’s okay. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you human. So first thing is work at questioning and dropping this ‘something wrong with me’ narrative you are telling yourself and self-perpetuating. For example, sounds like she can be quite fierce herself sometimes, yes? Second thing is, thoughts are just thoughts. Often far from the truth. So you are ‘sure’ that you always upset people etc. Sometimes you very well might. But that doesn’t mean they don’t like you necessarily. And sometimes you might not really be annoying others but are just assuming you are. And when we learn to catch and stop the thoughts that are actually assumptions, it can really help. For example, the second our mind tells us we are annoying, and someone doesn’t like us, we then get paranoid and can actually act in annoying ways when we weren’t really before. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. The secret can lie in catching that thought and realising, well that’s an assumption. And then stepping back, taking a breather, and stopping the cycle from continuing. Also note you are assuming she is upset because of you. We never know what someone else is going through that is affecting their behaviour unless they tell us. Anyway, you can learn about cognitive distortions like assumptions here http://bit.ly/cognitivedistortionlist. Third. Communication is not a mystery but actually a skill you can study and learn. The better we get at communicating, the better our relationships. We have an article that can be a start here http://bit.ly/feelignored. Fourth. You say ‘online friends’. Do you actually meet this people in real life? If not, we’d add that online communication has a lot of issues. It’s sadly very normal that it becomes difficult because it’s not really a full form of connection and is way, way easier to misunderstand than in person friendships. People say things, for example, over digital communication they never would in person or that they don’t even mean. Do you have any in person friends? We understand you like to be alone, but even so, is it time to develop in person friendships? Final thing, three therapists not knowing what is ‘wrong’ with you. A good therapist wouldn’t see anything wrong with you as really there isn’t. It’s just that somehow you’ve had trauma that has meant you have issues with communicating, or relating, or feeling good, or being confident, or coping, or regulating your feelings. Your life has had issues that mean now you need to reprogram or realign. But at root you are a whole, resourceful human. We all are. We just need help finding our way back to ourselves when life throws us off, or in some cases, way off. As for therapy, we sense that you are very sensitive and struggle to regulate your thoughts and feelings. We’d even guess there was trauma. What kind of therapy was it? If it was just general counselling where you talk about the past and you aren’t in a stable place that can sometimes backfire. We’d recommend something like CBT first, which focuses on the present, not the past, and helps you learn to control your thoughts and behaviours so you can feel grounded. If you are in the UK, you can get CBT therapy for free from the NHS, you just have to tell your GP you would like to try. Finally, mindfulness is a free tool we think could really help, you can learn about it here http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. And hey. Congrats for getting off the street! That’s big. Remember to take time each day to give yourself some credit. In fact we’d say a great exercise would be taking time each day to notice three things that are RIGHT about you. As at heart what we see as your real issue is a belief you are fatally flawed compared to the rest of humanity. You aren’t. You are more like everyone else than you can currently imagine, we promise. Best, HT.
Y cat got ran over . I knew he was getting close to the road . I tried to get them but they wouldn’t come in to me .and I got upset and went in the house because I had to cook supper. We wasn’t staying at our own home and my friend said they could be in the house. They had never been out side at east two if them never had been out of the house. But he loved it he ran and payed and caught the mice .he was so happy ..I know it not what we like for them to enjoy .hunting for mice .but they do enjoy catch mice and being so proud of it. I should of stayed out there and got them away from at the time they wasn’t that fare down they and I thought they’d come back .
Then my friends dogs started barking like crazy and I went to see what it was ..I went outside. Sugar was laying in the ditch. I went after him . Hoping he was ok. We didn’t have our own place we got evicted . And we was just staying with her . We had no ave else to go and I have a handicapped daughter. She just we couldn’t of done good on the street even with the van . We had other cats and two disappeared on us before we could move .it was very traumatic . We list almost all of them no they wasn’t mistreated . There was no AC and we’ll I was having problems . I guess I was depressed .with all that was going on .but still I think I should of stayed out there..I did t because my friend was at work and wanted supper when she got home .no just a friend nothing else we are. But I still had to cook supper I was trying to keep us a place to live till we found us a place. But Sugar he just I try to it like I didn’t feel nothing . I knew it was my fault he got hit. This is why I think I a a bad person .. my daughter was crying and screaming and now it like we got a place and I have to leave him there buried but not fare away but my friend she be like upset her dog did but cats are nothing to her. She wanted them out there and they had to go out in the cold for hours and before it got to cold they I put them in the carrier at night and they were out there till morning . Then it got sort of cold I put them in the van in the carriers and cover them up and heat up the van a few times but finally got her to say the could come in but had to be in the carriers. All of a sudden I am crying over my cat… I don’t know . I didn’t but know I could book therapy I live in the USA and your in London.
Hi L. It sounds to us like you are exhausted. Like you have been dealing with constant challenges and doing the best you can and this has left you feeling at breaking point. It does not make you a bad person in the slightest that this happened. It makes you a person who was under an extreme amount of stress and made what she thought was a reasonable decision in the moment, did her best, but ended up being a decision that led to a tragedy. We do agree that you need some support as you seem to be navigating an awful lot by yourself. You are also on a low budget, or maybe have no budget at all. So what we suggest is that you read our article on how to find free to low cost therapy and use the suggestions to try to find support in your own area. See if there are mental health charities, for example, that might even have free therapy or support groups for parents with handicapped children, or single parents. Or could advise you on where to look for free to low cost support. Our article is here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. We wish you courage! Best, HT.
Hi,
I don’t really know how to put this, but I think I subconsciously believe I’m a bad person and only come to realise it now. You see I’m always trying to be good, help people out and do nice things. My biggest fear in life has always been that I become a bad person and I’ve always felt like I had to do good things to prove to myself I wasn’t. Sometime when I had doubt I would go even more out of my way to do something good. I would always tell my self “I am a good person” and I thought I believed it. When people asked if I thought anything bad about myself I would always say “ no of course not” and I have always been aware that I hold the same intrinsic value as all people. But I’ve come to think that perhaps I’ve just been telling myself that and not truly believing it. I don’t really know what I want from posting a comment on here, I just hope that perhaps someone may have some insight that can help me understand this all better. Because if this is true how can I overcome it? Of course there’s a lot more to this issue than I’ve addressed here, but I think this may be a major obstacle in my life I need to overcome before I can deal with other issues.
I have been struggling thinking I am a bad person because of a job I had 2 years ago and I can’t seem to move past it. I had a job which was toxic and I was always overworked and I tried my best but it was bogging me down. I ended up confiding in a coworker about my unhappiness and we joked around about quitting etc and that was all it was to me. I ended up finding another job and handing in my notice. A few weeks after this I was called into a meeting at work and was told that I was talking bad about the company etc and I came to realise the coworker told my manager everything I said to her. During this interview they said I was an awful person and how could I do this when they’ve been so good to me etc etc and it made me feel ungrateful and that I was an awful person. After I left the company I got a shitty message from the coworker who said I got what I deserved and that I was awful and can rot in hell. This experience made me feel like the worst person in the world and has effected me ever since. That same week my father passed away and I feel like the world was punishing me for what I did. I still feel like an awful person and I want to change that but I don’t know how and what to do. I feel like a mess all the time.
I really think I’m a bad person, and I get triggered by my boyfriend’s anger, when he gets angry, he doesn’t speak up about it and it drives me crazy, my mum use to beat us as kids because of her anger issues, nothing we do was good enough, it made us feel useless and worthless, so when I see the same thing happening with him, I feel the need to defend myself and I overdid it, I cursed at him and threatened to do things I would not even dream of, I feel so ashamed of what I did and I do not blame myself, I blame him because he started it, and I told him but he didn’t listen. I love him so much and I don’t and didn’t want to hurt him…I’m so scared