What is Avoidant Personality Disorder?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 9, 2023
Have you ever met someone you enjoyed great conversations with and thought you’d connected with, only to have them vanish without warning from your life? Someone who seemed very present and available – and then suddenly they are gone, or acting like nothing serious happened between you. There, then not there.
You might have assumed they were playing manipulative games, or are a ‘cold’ person. But outward appearances can be deceiving, and this is especially true of someone suffering from Avoidant personality disorder (AvPD), also known as Anxious personality disorder.
This person described might even be you, hiding from others and the sense of connection you secretly long for.
What is Avoidant personality disorder?
A personality disorder is a condition which sees someone thinking, relating, and seeing the world in a way that is markedly different than an average person.
At the heart of Avoidant personality disorder is a difficult inner battle between a longing to connect with others and an overwhelming anxiety that rejection and criticism would be the inevitable result.
The fear wins out and the person with AvPD will choose to be alone over risking emotional pain. Sufferers are thus socially inhibited, hypersensitive to and fearful of negative feedback, and fight deep feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. They might describe themselves as anxious, lonely, not good in social situations, and unable to relax around others.
What are the signs of Avoidant personality disorder?
Avoidant personality disorder is usually first noticed in the beginning of adulthood. Examples of behaviour seen in those who have AvPD can include:
- Hypersensitivity to criticism and highly self-conscious
- A preoccupation with rejection that causes them to misinterpret others actions toward them as negative even if not so
- Self-imposed social isolation as they deem themselves socially inept
- Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations (although this can be hidden by an ability to pretend they are very social)
- Mistrust of others and reluctance to get involved unless they are sure they will be liked which can include avoidance of intimacy and/or sexual relationships
- Extreme self-criticism due to an extremely harsh ‘inner critic’ that deems ordinary desires as unacceptable
- Reluctance to pursue goals if it involves interpersonal contact
- Excessive feelings of shame, inadequacy and inferiority which comes hand in hand with severe low self-esteem and possible self-loathing
- Lonely self-perception, although others may find a relationship with them meaningful
- Lack of enjoyment from life tendency to worry about past experiences and future possible negative ones
- Uses fantasy as a form of escapism to interrupt painful thoughts
What causes someone to have Avoidant personality disorder?
Like most personality disorders, how AvPD is caused is not an exact science and is based around various theories. In general the disorder comes about from a combination of factors working together, which can include biological, social, and psychological factors. It’s thought to be a condition more likely to develop on a child who is naturally shy and withdrawn, and has also been linked to emotional neglect as a child and rejection from peer groups when growing up.
There is also a genetic factor with Avoidant personality disorder, with research suggesting that if a parent has AvPD there is an increased risk their children will.
How do I know if my friend or loved one is suffering from Avoidant personality disorder?
While reading the above list of symptoms might create a vision of a hermit cowering in their house, this is rarely the case. Many sufferers of AvPD hide their symptoms what maintaining a relatively normal looking life.
They can for example hide under the banner of ‘personal freedom’, sharing their social time only with other socially challenged types, such as others who embrace spiritual doctrines, political ideology or social movements that support solitary, unemotional living and condemn intimacy as ‘uncool’ or boring.
A person with APD can also do just fine in their career, if they pick one that does make social demands. But it’s likely they constantly avoid risks in their career and seem to fear change.
Relationship patterns are often where someone with AvPD most reveals themselves. Although it’s a mistake to think that those with Avoidant personality disorder can’t manage relationships. They can relate, and are rarely willing to give up relationships entirely. It’s just that their desire for a relationship contrasts with their need to feel safe, which wins out and makes them push people away. So the AvPD person runs a sad cycle of venturing into social situations, being highly sensitive, and withdrawing from people who may very well have genuinely liked the AvPD but had no explanation for the AvPD’s sudden disappearance so left them alone.
Martin Kantor, M.D., author of the book The Essential Guide to Overcoming Avoidant Personality Disorder, divides those suffering AvPD into two ‘types’ when it comes to relationships. Type I are those who don’t initiate relationships as they fear the new and possess a more obviously inhibited character. They don’t let you close enough to get to know them.
Type II, however, can appear the life of the party, funny and witty. They initiate relationships but grow restless and move on before any real intimacy can take place, and often the funny and witty front they present is a persona for a shy but hidden self.
How is Avoidant personality disorder diagnosed?
Diagnosis varies slightly and is at the discretion of your mental health care professional, who will make the diagnoses based on observations over time and a detailed look at your life history. They may refer to one of many different guides to mental health disorders like the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) and the World Health Organisation’s esteemed health guide the ICD- 10. Each guide will have slightly varying requirements of a diagnoses based on symptoms like those listed above.
What is the recommended treatment for AvPD?
There is good help available for those suffering from Avoidant personality disorder and real progress can be made, giving a person with AvPD better social awareness and higher self-esteem.
Sadly, those suffering from AvPD often wait until their condition makes their life so difficult they are not managing to get by before they face the reality that they require professional assistance at all. This is because the nature of the therapeutic relationship – talking one-on-one and developing a bond of trust – would feed into their greatest fear of revealing their innermost vulnerabilities and running the risk of rejection.
Drugs are sometimes used, but therapy is the more important part of recovery as it allows the avoidant to finally try trusting someone and their therapist can help them recognise and challenge their negative thoughts and cognitive distortions (beliefs that are held to be true but aren’t).
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), with its focus on changing distorted thinking, is thus often recommended for treating AvPD.
Group therapy can be also helpful, offering a chance to develop and further communication skills and face social fears.
Related mental health disorders and conditions
A mental disorder that often occurs in tandem with Avoidant personality disorder is Borderline personality disorder (BPD), with up to 40% of those with APD diagnosed to also have BPD. This is thought to be because both disorders involve overwhelming fear of criticism and rejection, and that perhaps those who have BPD experience such pain from relationships they withdraw altogether, developing APD.
Avoidant personality disorder is also common in people with anxiety disorders. It’s suggested that up to half of those who suffer panic disorder with agoraphobia also have AvPD, and as well as up to half of those with Obsessive-compulsive disorder. AvPD is also often found in those who suffer from Social anxiety disorder.
Common misdiagnosis for Avoidant personality disorder
While some people exhibit symptoms of both APD and BPD, sometimes someone can be misdiagnosed with BPD when really they have APD. The difference is that APD produces constant social distancing, whereas BPD manifests more as extreme intimacy followed by withdrawal, in a marked ‘push and pull’ pattern.
AvPD can also easily be misread for Social Anxiety disorder. The difference here is that AvPD involves a general anxiety towards all things social, and Social Anxiety disorder tends to include a phobia of specific social situations such as having to speak publicly, or being the first to enter a room.
Of course personality disorders are not ‘diseases’ with proven and consistent symptoms across all cases. They are simply terms created by mental health professionals to more readily describe groups of symptoms that tend to occur together. So there is often controversy over what a disorder is and isn’t, and diagnostic criteria itself can change over time.
In the case of AvPD, there is still ongoing discussion over whether it should be made distinct from generalised social phobia at all. They have the same symptoms and similar diagnosis and recommended treatments, so some health professionals argue that AvPD should be seen as a severe form of social phobia and not something separate.
Note that Avoidant personality disorder is not the same as ‘being an avoidant’. This term, used in places such as discussions on attachment theory and sex addiction terminology, is often used to describe someone who has significant issues with avoiding intimacy and/or sabotages their own success. While someone who ‘is avoidant’ might also have AvPD, they are separate terms.
Famous people with Avoidant personality disorder
Because of the shyness that AvPD brings it’s not common for sufferers to seek the limelight, but actress Kim Basinger has spoken out about her struggle from childhood with Avoidant personality disorder. She eventually learned to manage her AvPD through therapy.
How can I help someone with Avoidant personality disorder?
If you suspect someone you care about has Avoidant personality disorder try not to take their disappearing or pulling away as a personal insult. While it is not your responsibility to chase after them or change them (creating a codependent dynamic that just brings its own problems) they are likely not keeping you at arm’s length out of any desire to hurt you. It’s simply the way they deal with relationships.
At the same time it’s perhaps not the best idea to immediately tell them you think they have a disorder. For starters, they might not. And personality disorders sadly arrive with a lot of stigma and misunderstanding and directly labelling someone can cause them to feel overwhelmed and pull away, especially if they have AvPD and are already one to withdraw.
Keep in mind that personality disorders are things many of us can relate to or feel we have one or two symptoms of, bit that doesn’t mean we all have one. If someone truly has a personality disorder it will be best left to allow a professional to diagnose it.
Focus on what is right about them, and let them know you recognise their strengths.
Let them know that you are there for them, which is the deepest hope a person with AvPD, despite their disappearing acts, has.
It is possible to gently suggest to a loved one they could use support or that they seem to be struggling. Read our article on how to tell a loved one they could use the help of a therapist for suggestions on how best to approach this. If you feel that you would like to talk to a therapist, you can find a counsellor to speak to online by Skype, by phone or in person around the UK on the https://harleytherapy.com booking platform.
Do you have further questions about Avoidant personality disorder you’d like answered? Post below, we love hearing from you.
photos by Peter, Gene Lin, RJ, Banspy.
Thank you for all the information in the article, I found it very useful. What led me to read this is a very recent situation I had experienced with my best friend. We have been very good and close friends for 7 years and the last few weeks the dynamic changed between us moving towards a romantic one. During this change, I have noticed all sorts of changes in behaviour very typical to an APD (which I was aware of during all these years of friendship) for eg. suddenly pulling away after saying “I love you” and not communicating, during a conversation that had a more intimate tone he changed the tone from intimate to our usual friend-like type of relationship indicating as if nothing between us has changed. All of this went on up to a point when I decided to speak clearly and genuinely about everything that is going on and at that point, he denied any type of change in him or interest or feeling and any change in the dynamic of our relationship. And that for me felt as a shock, rejection and psychological abuse – someone that close is denying your reality and experience as if it was all in my head 🙂 That, of course, led to big rupture in our relationship and even though I understand this pattern and have a lot of information on it and insight I can’t fully see if in the moment of denial he was conscious of what he was doing and just couldn’t stop (a mechanism of protection out of deep fear of rejection to which I know I have contributed through my own confusing behaviour) or he was fully aware of what he was doing. I would appreciate any input on this that could help me be more clear on this situation and type od dynamic.
It’s really hard to say just over the internet and based on comments. We’d have to know you and him and both sides of the story to make any real diagnosis. For example, what are the changes that to you showed it was now a romance? Did he say I love you, or just you? While it does seem you have enough self-care to communicate clearly with him instead of letting the confusion go on forever, and to stand up for yourself so that there was a rupture, there are other elements of concern here. And we say this only as the only person we have the story from is you, and the only person you can truly help is yourself, no matter how much you care for this other person. So on that note, what made you invest heavily in a seven year relationship where you knew that the person was not connecting with you, often shutting you out? What led you to move to get more? And how often are you thinking and overthinking this scenario? Do you feel that you have to earn love from people who don’t have much love to give you? Is this reflected in your other relationships or just this one? What did you learn about love growing up? What would it take for you to believe that you deserve love and attention just for being who you are, with no effort at all? All interesting things to consider. We wish you well and hope that you find peace with this friend.
I’ve stumbled across this article and I thought , at first, that it was about me. I was too a friend of her, for 7 years. There is a pattern here it seems. I read this for the first time and it is a very big chance that I have this disease. Type I. I did this to her. And not only her. So I guess she draws these kinds of people. Why I did it? Well, there is the disease of course and the fact that she is a very outspoken and at the same time very critical person. She is right most of the times, but not always. Nobody is. Based on this fact, when she gets it wrong, she is so wrong and she is so convinced that she is right and brings these elaborate explanations and arguments, that make sense, but only to justify her point of view. She is coming on so strong and she corners you, that there is no way to win. She is really smart and would easily win a debate, but that doesn’t necessarily make her right. She might have this disease too, but the type II one. People who resemble each other, come together. I am not a native speaker, so bare with me. 🙂 What I am trying to say is that everyone has its own issues and there is no one without blame. Relationships are complicated. We haven’t spoken in about 13 years, I am sure she changed over the years, but what I am mentioning here is something of a personality trait , a trade mark if you will, so I think is still valid today (about 13 years later). Very interesting article! Keep up the good work!
Thank you for sharing Diane! Yes, you are right, relationships are so complicated, so are people. But it does sound like even 13 years later you are still hurt and upset about this person, so it’s worth seeking some help to look at what that is about, especially if you are seeing the same pattern in other relationships.
Hello, how about in relation to my workplace? I am an Apprentice Architect, fresh graduate and I’m having my field training right now. Everything is new to me, theories learned at school are challenged by real situations on field. I constantly feel rejection for the nature of work that are new to me. I don’t feel happy and I often ask myself if this is really all that I want. I always ask myself why I kept on attracting situations people etc. that makes me feel so useless.
Hi Erica, we can’t give a diagnosis based on a comment. It could also be that you just suffer low self-esteem, or have gone into a career based on what your family wanted for you over your own deeply held personal values and interests. It does sound like you are really unhappy and feeling bad about yourself. Would you have the courage to perhaps go chat with a counsellor about this? Workplace issues are a big reason many people seek some support, and therapy can truly provide clarity on what the root of the issue really is.
Sometimes I feel very inadequate. I don’t feel beautiful and avoid getting into relationships out of fear that once the person is interested in me he won’t like me without the make up. I have allergy shiners under my eyes that have completely altered my physical appearance. I’ve dealt with men that I know I should not have because I don’t have to wake up to them in the morning and them seeing the real me. I have this wall up bc I feel like being hurt is inevitable in a relationship so I don’t even bother. If I’m dating I withdraw very quickly out of fear that someone is going to hurt me. I have a wall up and it’s extremely high. In the past I’ve always loved hard and I was always the one loving that person more then they love me
Kai, this is a whole lot of low self-esteem here, and we can imagine it must be really hard for you to deal with all this alone. As you probably already know, this level of low self-esteem with appearance is always connected with inner issues, and is rarely if ever about appearance. You mention having walls up, being hurt, etc. These all sound like they go back to possible attachment issues from childhood. Is it a big deal? Absolutely. Low self-esteem leads to loneliness and depression. So it’s really worth seeking help over this. If you could gather up your courage to talk to a counsellor or psychotherapist you might be amazed at what you find out about yourself. You can get to the root of this low self-esteem, but also slowly start to recognise the things that are actually right about you. If you are on a low budget, read out article on finding free to low cost counselling bit.ly/lowcosttherapy
I’ve been going to counseling for years and have been using CBT with a counselor to work through issues like depression and eating disorders. I had to stop at the end of last year because I was leaving the country and in my last session my LCSW was reallllllly trying to drive the point home that anxiety was the main trigger for my depression. It took me a while after that to chew on it before I could accept how deep my fears went and just how badly they interfered with my life. After reading this, it made me feel like I was able to more neatly pinpoint the behaviors, and it was nice to know the avoidance is a thing. I’m still abroad and don’t have coverage for english-speaking therapists; do you have any online workbooks or resources you could recommend?
We don’t have online workbooks, and as we are a general blog over just focussing on certain disorders we unfortunately don’t have focussed resources on this one either, so sorry about that, do give it a google though, you are sure to find something. Also, bare you aware that nowadays you can book English therapists no matter where you are? We actually have a new online platform and sister site that connects you to Skype and telephone therapists you can access from anywhere, and at varying prices so you can work with your budget, if that’s of help http://www.harleytherapy.com. We wish you courage! And good for you for continuing to work on it and already doing CBT. That is wonderful to hear.
In our experience as couple therapists for several years we don´t have found any user with this diagnose. We wonder about cultural factors, apparently is more common hear about this disorder in countries like Japon, with “Hikikomori pepple” as they call it, there.
Greetings from Mexico City¡
Hi, there is a cultural aspect to personality disorder, of course there is, as they are not illnesses but terms used to more easily describe people who deviate from current norms. But it’s more likely as those with avoidant personality disorder are not likely to seek therapy.
Hi. I grew up in a loving home but i cant form long lasting relationships. I find myself falling back and cutting people off. I am unable to show my emotions _well except anger but that is only if someone is repeatedly annoying me. However i have sudden anger outbust that last for about a minute then am back to my jolly self. I am a funny person and i always find a way to turn a serious topic, especially emotional ones centered on me, into a joke. My friends find this very annoying. I am a shy person when around new people and i am really quiet around people i dont know. i will however sometimes find myself initiating conversations. Once am used to someone i can talk for hours on end. But still i dometimes find myself feeling shy and uncomfortable around people i condidered friends for no reason at alk from which point i cut them off and find new friends. I can easily make friends especially since i am funny. I have come to find that my joy is really a way of hiding the pain and emptiness i feel and i appear really happy when inside i am just a mess. I sometimes find myself cutting myself off from the world for days up to months. During these periods i feel unloved, unwanted and like nobody cares. I have no reason to feel this way because from an outsiders perspective i am really loved. When a >erson tries to show me love or affection i find myself feeling as though they have ulterior motives. I eventually jump into concludions and end up cutting them off. I feel like everyone who loves me loves someone else more than me and that am not really a priority. I have felt this way for such a long time that it became a norm for me until I recently had an emotional breakdown after a night of drinking hehe. I was shivering and kept saying that i tried to stop him but i couldn’t. I have no memory of any sexual assault or any assault at all ever happening in my life but i always have this feeling that something bad happened to me but i dont know what. In terms of sexual relationships i am attracted to men and when i eventually start a relationship with them its like a switch goes off and i have no feelings for tgem. I try to stick around in the relationships hoping to grow in love with them but i eventually have to end things because of my ‘cold’ heart. I have this great fear that i cant love someone fully as they deserve or that i may love them and they not love me back either platonically or romantically.
I have thoght of seeking psychological help but am afraid of seeming like an attention seeker which is something i have been reffered to as before as though i want to appear special. Are my fears valid or should i just get my head out of my ass and stop looking for attention?
Ps. I have NEVER talked aboit my feeling before in my life before todat
First of all, we are sorry to hear you are suffering through all this, it sounds really lonely. Second of all, try not to think there is something wrong with you. We all have different ways of managing with life, and we’ve all been through different experiences are generally doing the best we can with what we’ve been given. Also keep in mind that personality disorders are not illnesses. They don’t define what someone is. They are just words made up by mental health professionals to more easily describe groups of people with similar symptoms. We can’t give a diagnosis without knowing you and your life history and meeting someone several times and running many tests. What you are explaining sounds more like borderline personality disorder, but it could also just be that you have anxiety and experienced some traumatic things as a child that have upset you. Regardless, it would be a great idea to seek help. It doesn’t at all make you an attention seeker. If a child fell and hurt himself and came to you for help, would you say, ‘oh, you attention seeker?” Try to be as gentle with yourself as you would be to that child. Seeking help is courageous. We think it’s great you would consider it. Good luck!
Hi guys,
Thank you for your article, for a few years I thought I had bpd, however now I’m thinking it more the avoidance personality disorder. All my adult like I’ve been in and out of therapy. Wallpaper over the crack until it all comes crashing down again.
I feel completely empty, like I don’t have have any emotion. I find connecting with people so difficult. I’m talking friendships, relationships and intimacy absolutely terrify me. There was someone one I was getting close to but he always had a girlfriend, I know this sound odd I was the safe as he didn’t expect all the side from me, he was already getting it. The people I see now is my mum, grandfather and my two dogs. I know I’m finding it harder, to be around people or people asking questions and I have to talk. I’m thinking I may have to self refer to a private therapist, to see if there is some way I can get some sort of a life, or connect With someone. Thank you sorry
Hi Pauline, sounds lonely. And it also is sad for us to hear you have been in and out of therapy and didn’t feel any progress. We don’t know anything about you, such as your past, what you feel might have triggered this. It could be a personality disorder, or aspergers, or any number of things. It could equally just be that you experienced childhood trauma that has left you unable to connect with others. It could be any number of ‘diagnosis’ as there are cross overs. But you are of course more than a diagnosis and the exact label is less important than dealing with symptoms and finding a way to feel better. When we have such serious issues with trusting others therapy can backfire if we then are so nervous we try to impress the therapist. And if you did have trauma, the wrong sort of therapy could trigger your trauma response. So it’s really important to find a therapist you think you could grow to trust in the future if not now, and who offers a therapy that works for you. You might want to use our search bar to read about schema therapy. It’s really helpful for people who don’t know how to connect and trust. Other ideas could be cognitive analytical therapy. Both these two types of therapy focus on a very strong and friendly connection between therapist and client. We wish you courage.
I am in love with someone who has AVPD. He drifts away almost he is here and then disappears. However, he is so fragile and vulnerable when I criticize him. I did not know about this until I find out about AVPD. I initially thought he has a split personality but I understand now. I do not want to give him up and would like to help him. We separated by my request but I feel guilty now and if I do not reach out to him, he would not make any attempt because of his personality trait. I really want to help and be with him.
Please advise!
Hi there Chase, first of all, only a medical professional can make a personality disorder diagnosis, it’s not always helpful to tell someone they have a personality disorder otherwise. Secondly, seeking help is up to him, and you can’t make someone else get help. If you’ve already broken up with him, the best thing for him might be to give him space over pushing and pulling him because of your own guilt. It’s interesting to us your focus is on him even after pushing him away, and on diagnosing him. The person you can change and get help with here is yourself. Best, HT
I have something like this. I’m 41 and haven’t had a normal life. I’ve never seen an actual future of any kind for myself. I’ve never been in a relationship. I can’t get close to anyone. I don’t drive, work, or live. And, at this point I don’t care.
This article had me shook in the best way possible. I felt like I connected intensely with all of the symptoms and having flashbacks to moments where I had those feelings and it brought me to tears because you feel all these things wondering if you’re the only one who thinks like this or if you’re weak because of it. It all started from my Google search why can’t I love? Already have been going through some life coaching and getting s better understanding of thoughts and beliefs and how these drive our actions and then seeing this gives me hope that I can truly be happy again. So thank y’all.
Nicole, that is hard to hear. But we wonder if a tiny part of you DOES care? Enough to be here researching and finding that article? We’d say, listen to that tiny spark. See if you can gather up your courage to seek some support around this. Beneath what could also be a form of depression we are sure you have resources you are unaware of, and gifts that this world could use. If it was avoidant personality disorder, counselling can help you learn different ways of communicating that can be a game changer. Best, HT.
Glad to be of help and wonderful you are doing some coaching. We’d say don’t immediately jump to conclusions that it’s avoidant personality disorder, as it might also just be that you suffered so much as a child for wanting or needing love that you trained yourself out of it. We all at some point in life manifest symptoms of one or several personality disorders, but if we actually have one then we’ve faced such symptoms since adolescence and they affect all areas of our life. Diagnosis is best done by a psychiatrist, it’s a very thorough process. In either case, therapy can make huge changes, so do keep going on your path of self evolution! Best, HT
Interesting.It’s quite possible to create a facade. Outwardly look successful. But inside the shell you’re being eaten away. Career (technically capable but: every new bit of work brings a visceral unspoken horror of what might go wrong this time – consequence: avoid marketing/being proactive – consequence – career/job inertia that outsiders don’t understand); social life (not antisocial; involvement can be fun: but expectation that whatever arrangements YOU make or anything that YOU instigate will not work out – consequence: never proactive – consequence: peripheral figure (though, ironically, can be a good listener because you never volunteer anything!). But it’s the constant battle of attrition inside your head that is so, so wearing: bad mood, short with your children, not really heard what other half has said & you’re pulled up on it by them? How can you explain that your mind has been festering on something embarrassing/missed that happened years ago? Or that you’ve imagined a bitter conversation with someone? Or you’ve been dwelling on your myriad shortcomings? Or that you’re not excited by the really fun family thing you’re supposed to be doing that afternoon because you’re worried about traffic…or parking…or that they won’t enjoy it and somehow it’s your fault. Or maybe you can handle the conversation just on autopilot so nobody can tell at that moment. Yeah, keep it superficial. Deep conversation? Just make it up. And loathe yourself. So just avoid engaging with your job, your friends, your family on anything other than a superficial level. Yes, that’s it. Just avoid. It’s easier that way. So why does it feel like something is badly wrong?
Hi Mark, we wouldn’t say from this comment you have a personality disorder, although we don’t know you and can’t make a diagnosis based on a little comment, obviously. But from what you are saying you are suffering from depression and anxiety, along with rumination. Possibly even c-PTSD. These all lead to what is called ‘avoidance coping’ which is not the same as avoidant personality disorder. Did you have trauma in your childhood? Something is wrong, this is clear. But what are you going to do about it? That is the more valid question. Because here’s the other thing. Anxiety, depression, and c-PTSD are treatable. You can see huge improvements. We’d highly recommend you work at finding a talk therapist you think you could grow to trust with time and commit to personal change. It’s not going to be easy or instant, but change can come. You might want to start with a round of CBT, a short-term therapy that helps you get your thinking under control and stop your thinking from constantly triggering low moods. It doesn’t even involve talking about your past much, so can be a good entry point. Best, HT.
Situation: the AvPD is distressed in a relationship and starts to withdraw, and the other person (being anxious, with traces of BPD) tries getting closer and things ultimately lead to a break, then breakup on the part of the AvPD. The AvPD gives as a reason for the breakup that he just did not like the other person enough. Could that be just a way of pushing them away? Is there hope for getting back together? What would be the best way to approach reconciliation?
Hi Jen, sounds like you are trying to mind read. If someone says they are not interested enough to be in a relationship, then it might be worth listening and backing off and giving them the space they obviously want. If they change their mind they will probably let you know. Trying to push someone to do what we want when they have been clear about where they stand is rarely a tactic that inspires love in the other. Note that BPD involves a fear response to rejection which can then turn into an obsessive attempt to make the rejector change their mind…. using all kind of intense tactics and manipulations…. often just to then turn around and reject them if they come back. So be honest with yourself, notice if you are far more interested now you have been rejected. Best, HT.
Hi! here is a quandry. I am 61, doing well professionally, have some very good friends whom I love, I am also late diagnosed with ADHD, and a child history of being bullied and frozen out of social groups. My issue now is that I have noticed that it costs so much of me to keep up connections and friendships – I get tired just thinking about it, and prefer to “cave” – and spend way too much time alone than is healthy. But I love my freedom and alone time. Socially I am seen as confident, likeable, caring, (and I do care) but apparently sometimes intens, annoying and too talkative (where I also talk way too much about myself – especially if I have been alone for some time), I also leave parties early and avoid some kinds of gatherings because I get too overloaded. Thus I am on the friendship B list I understand for the most part why I don’t get invited to weekend trips with friends, hiking trips etc, and I don’t make an issue of it. But if I’m honest with myself, it still hurts to be left out or not included.
And as for men, I am complicated – I fell out of love early in my marriage but held out for 24 years, until my youngest was off to Uni, and now 8 years later I find that I can’t fall in love anymore, I can,t hold on to the positive feelings for a potential mate, I find fault, lose interest, dream of being free, sabotage by avoiding getting close, and break hearts. On the other side, I can feel so critical of myself I avoid other prospects and I get terribly hurt if a man dumps me first. That becomes confirmation that I am better off alone. Crazy, I have both a terrible self esteem, and an overly high opinion of myself. Now that I am 60 plus, living in another country -now home of 30 years, I see a long and lonely future for myself – but can’t seem to find a way to not be so self absorbed, or find the will-power and energy to train myself out of the habits and mindsets that keep me alone, both unloving and unlovable. Tips?
Thanks for this helpful article. I recently learned about AvPD and am so glad I did. I have some issues and struggle with self-injury and was familiar with BPD but it didn’t exactly apply to me. Then I learned about AvPD and I feel like it explains so much of what I struggle with. Whether I actually have this personality disorder or I just have some of the traits of this disorder isn’t important to me – just the fact that it’s a real thing and I’m not alone makes me feel so much better. So while I agree you shouldn’t accuse someone of having a personality disorder, at the same time I wish someone had let me know a long time ago that others struggle with the same things I do, and that there are not only reasons for it, but hope for improvement. I’ve seen different counselors in the past 25 years and they are good at listening but never gave me half the helpful advice that I’ve read in your articles and comments to other readers. Thanks so much for sharing helpful information!