Being Happy – Why Is It so Hard for You but Not Others?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 3, 2023
By: Richard Riley
by Andrea M. Darcy
Does being happy always seem out of your reach, no matter how hard you try? Does it seem like you are the only person you know who can’t just feel peaceful and joyful at will?
The truth about being happy
It’s a myth that anyone feels happy all the time, or that life is supposed to make us happy, even.
It’s also an American myth, so out of control America has even invested millions in brain chip implants to keep people happy. Other cultures can be against the Western happiness obsession and definition of happiness. Nor do they have such a big problem with depression, which leads to the next point.
Buying into the myth we are supposed to feel happy all the time makes us so obsessed with what stops our happiness, we can lose the capacity to see what we do have and what is going right. So the pursuit of happiness can lead to anything but.
[Is your unhappiness unbearable? Are you having suicidal thoughts? Talk to one of our registered Skype therapists from anywhere in the world. Book today and start as soon as tomorrow.]
Myths about happiness you need to know
Let’s quickly break down the big myths about happiness that have you seeing everyone else as happy but not yourself.
1. Smiling, laughing people are happy.
As any psychotherapist can tell you, people who seem the happiest can be the most depressed. They have just struggled so long with their own sense of failure they’ve created a perfect false exterior. So don’t make assumptions about other people’s happiness.
2. Mentally healthy people are happy all the time.
By: Glenn Fleishman
Absolutely not. People who seem happy non-stop can have serious issues with repression and denial. Life involves breakups, job loss, bereavement, divorce…. Everyone goes through sadness, anger, and fear.
Good mental health means we know how to process our emotions, learn from experience, and bounce back, known as ‘resilience’.
3. There is something wrong with you if you are not happy.
Constant unhappiness does not mean you are flawed. It means there is something within you that needs dealing with. Unhappiness can even be seen as a sign there is something right with you – your emotional system works.
5 Major reasons being happy is not easy for you
1.You never learned to be happy when growing up.
If your parents disapproved of displays of emotion, punished you for it, or even if they were just very negative all the time? You might have learned how to be miserable and negative in order to fit in and earn affection.
Unfortunately, that behaviour continues into adulthood. You unknowingly focus on what isn’t working all the time, and assume the worse. Your hidden negative belief system can even drive you to make bad choices that continue to make your life worse.
2. You grew up in a culture where showing joy wasn’t done.
If you grew up in a culture where showing joy was seen as arrogant and insensitive, and now you live in a culture where it’s expected? People might always ask why you are sad. Inside, you might be quite content.
3. You have a naturally more sensitive personality.
Some people are naturally more sensitive than others, so are more reactive to difficult things and experience sadness more easily. You might, though, also feel more joy than usual, if and when you do feel happy.
4. Your basic physical and emotional needs are not being met.
If you don’t have the basics of life in place so that you can feel safe, then happiness is much harder.
The most known theory here is Abraham Maslow’s “hierarchy of needs’. At the bottom are basics like food and warmth, and security, building up to emotional needs like friendship. Higher up still are things like a sense of accomplishment, but they are harder to achieve without the lower needs in place.
A more modern form of this idea is called “Human Givens”. A psychotherapeutic approach by British psychotherapists Joe Griffin and Ivan Tyrrell, it proposes mental illness simply doesn’t exist if basic emotional needs are met.
5. You experienced difficulties or even trauma as a child.
If you do everything in your power to be happy but it just doesn’t work? Then there is a high chance that you have unresolved childhood issues or even childhood trauma.
When we experience difficulties as a child they change the very way we see the world. Trauma can even change our brain structure. Without realising it, this leads to being an adult living his or her life from a limited perspective that blocks your happiness.
What can I do if being happy is hard for me?
If you’d like to learn basic things you can start implementing into your daily life, then sign up to our blog now to receive an alert when we post our next piece in this series, “Easy Ways To Feel Happier With Yourself and Your Life.”
If you feel that your past experiences are driving your present unhappiness, consider professional support. Yes, friends are great, and so is self help. But a registered therapist creates a safe, unbiased space for you to move forward much faster.
Harley Therapy puts you in touch with some of London’s best counsellors and therapists. Not in London, or not even in the UK? Find UK-wide registered therapists on our booking site, or book Online therapy from anywhere.
Still have a question about being happy, or want to share an experience about how you helped yourself feel better? Share in the public comment box below.
Andrea M. Darcy is a lifestyle and wellbeing writer as well as a coach who loves writing about mental health. Find her or hire her @am_darcy
Hello.my name is ali.i am 23
First of all thank you so much for all the time you have put in to write all these useful info,it helped me to know what am i suffering from and i am trying to start changing all the wrongs in my life so i can live the best life i could not live all these years.
I have a question i am not sure where to find its answer.
I usually think i am happy and cracking jokes with friends,hanging out with the people i like and talking about the subject i like(my favorite artist/musician/actor/classmates ot friends) and expressing my opinion to my friends or to the world on my favorite podcast…but it all happens in my mind.
To be honest i like it in some ways and it brings me joy,but the problem is that it happens in my mind,and in real life i rarely find myself doing all the things i thought about.
I wanted to know if this is ok?is it harmful or a sign of a problem?
Hi Ali, so to confirm we understand what you are asking here. You feel like you talk about things a lot and then never do them? That is quite a normal thing to experience. Many of us fall into that trap of having big intentions but no carry through. Sometimes the truth is we don’t actually know how to make things happen or how to start things as nobody has ever told us!(We wish this was taught in school it should be but rarely is). In this case it’s helpful to read about time management and how to set goals that work. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/how-to-set-goals-that-work.htm But if you don’t carry through on your goals as you have very low self esteem, then that is a bit of a different story. And it would be about looking at what it was that has led you to lack confidence and how you can rebuild it. Does that answer your question? If not let us know we’ll try again.
Thank you for the reply!
Since i left a comment here i learned alot about myself.
What i have understood from your articles and my own life experience and my life patterns,it seems i have ocd(and it is very similiar to pure o from what i understand…my thoughts are really similar to moral and religious scrupolosity and it rarely involved any physical form of ocd like washing hands…and the reason i think and act that way is related to my core beliefs and how i was treated when i was a child,for example my parent did not allow me to touch anything because he tought i would make a mess or i could hurt myself and other).
Also I have been memory hoarding for 8 years,and the physical form of hoarding kept going for the first 4 years.
After 4 years of stress and compulsive behaviors and thoughts i was down and depressed and i had suicidal thoughts,but i found myownself and my life worthy and continued on (with my ocd).so my goal was to be happy all the time and live better…and this led to 9 months of bipolar disorder.
So yes,i strongly believe it is related to lack of confidence.
I believe i want to do whatever i am thinking but my ocd and strict and compulsive thoughts do not allow me.
I have a question.should i deal with my ocd and compulsive behaviors first then move on to my core beliefs and etc???(because i have other problems like black and white thinking and some wrong core beliefs etc)
Hi Ali, did you get a professional diagnosis? As it sounds like you are constantly seeking what is wrong with you and are self diagnosing using only the internet. OCD is not something you can diagnose yourself but should be done by a health professional, the same with bipolar disorder, which doesn’t tend to just go away if you do end up with it. If you did seek proper support, you might find it that you have an issue, you might find that you have something different, like anxiety disorder, or even just low self esteem. Do you ever notice what is right with you? Are you able to just let days pass without analysing yourself? We’d suggest starting a gratitude practise http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise, learning mindfulness http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout and then also self compassion http://bit.ly/selfcompassionHT. These are all tools used by therapists to help with low self esteem and anxiety. And if at all possible do seek support from a professional therapist. Best regards, HT.
Yes i got a professional diagnosis and i am currently taking meds(carbamazepine and pergabalin and propranolol).i have been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and i have a history of deep depression.
But I have not told my doctor about my compulsive behaviors because i believed they were right and i stayed loyal to them for almost 9 years.
But i agree,self compassion and gratitude can help me alot.
Ok Ali, we really think it would be a great idea to talk to someone about your compulsions. You say ‘doctor’, is that just a psychiatrist who prescribes meds? Or someone you can really talk to and dive deep with? We recently published a case study written by a woman with primarily obsessive OCD, you might find that useful to read….
Hi, I am Lindsey I feel sad a lot, and find it impossible to be happy. Even when I am happy though it doesn’t last long. When I am happy if my mind says one thing bad about me like for example, I’m pathetic I go back to being sad instantly. I try to be positive and fight back at the negative thoughts, but I’m like what’s the point it never works. Everyday when I get home I cry a couple times each day. I don’t know what to do to be happy anymore because the happiness probably doesn’t even last a day. Is this a problem?
Hi Lindsey, so first of all, this ‘endless happiness’ is a Western concept mostly created by advertising companies that has done more harm than good for society. Nobody is happy all the time, if that makes you feel any better! Much better to aim for several moments of contentment a day over feeling happy all the time. Please do read the article properly which goes into all of this. What we see here is a case of very low self esteem, and that leads directly to depression. We’d imagine there are several issues behind this that need looking at and dealing with, and we’d advise you seek some sort of proper support in the form of counselling. CBT would be a great choice to start, a short term therapy that helps you learn to recognise, manage, and transform negative thinking patterns. Finally, we don’t know your age. If by chance you are a teenager, we’d also note that wildly shifting emotions can be normal, as your brain would still be growing and you’d be dealing with hormonal changes. In summary, it’s okay to be sad and have dark thoughts, it happens to all of us now and then. And if we’ve experienced some sort of loss and it’s grief, then perfectly normal. But if it is not connected clearly to one thing, you don’t know why you are so sad, it’s gone on for six weeks or much longer, if it is affecting your ability to cope, your career or schoolwork, then it’s again time to get proper support. Best, HT.