Borderline Personality Disorder Relationships – Should You Date Him or Her?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 14, 2023
By: Damian Gadal
by Andrea M. Darcy
Borderline personality relationships – avoid, or maybe?
There is a lot of misinformation about borderline personality disorder on the internet that seeks to demonise those with BPD.
The fact is that people with BPD are, well, people. Unique individuals who can’t all be painted with one brush despite sharing some symptoms.
Does that mean you should date someone with borderline personality disorder?
That depends on you and the person with BPD.
Questions to ask before dating someone with BPD
1.Do you have the right things in common?
Yes, people with BPD share certain traits like impulsivity, emotional dsyregulation, paranoia, and fear of abandonment and rejection. They might also suffer from ‘splitting’, where they put you on a pedestal only to knock you off it.
But beyond that they will have their own unique personality, interests, and values. And there is argument it is the latter that matters most.
Relationships last not because we like the same music, or because one person does or does not have mental health issues. But because we are both driven by the same personal values. From charity to capitalism, and adventure to structure, values drive all our decisions in life.
BPD or not, if you want kids and he doesn’t, or you value security and she adventure, then this relationship might not be worth investing in. And maybe you are using his or her BPD as a way to avoid admitting to these other very real differences.
Do they have an actual diagnosis?
By: SupportPDX
Does the other person really have borderline personality disorder? Or have you or they decided it based on reading articles on the internet?
Diagnosis is no simple task. A psychiatrist will very thoroughly investigate a client’s life history and behaviours. They will also be able to tell the difference between BPD and other issues that can seem similar, such as adult ADHD.
The Office of National Statistics in the UK suggests only 2.4% of the population has borderline personality disorder. So there is more of a chance your self diagnosis is mistaken than correct.
So maybe leave it to the professionals?
Is he or she seeking help?
So he or she does have a BPD diagnosis. Are they in therapy? And is he or she trying one of the limited forms of therapy known to help BPD? (Others can actually make BPD worse, so this matters).
The verdict on personality disorders is usually that they are life long. But borderline personality disorder is an exception in that it responds very well to the right treatment. If the person continues to actively manage symptoms it’s even possible to have a ‘remission’. They might even no longer meet diagnostic criteria.
If your love interest knows they have BPD but refuse to to seek help that should be a big red flag to you.
Are you seeking help?
Speaking of seeking support. Do you have your own in place? The truth is that if you are attracted to someone who has borderline personality disorder there is a chance you have several issues of your own.
Those who have BPD tend to be very intense, dramatic, and exciting. This means they tend to attract others who are depressed and/or suffering low self-esteem. People who take their power from being a victim, or seek excitement in others because their own life is not where they want it to be.
By: Stephanie
At the very least, to be in a relationship with someone with BPD means you will be challenged. You’ll need to be confident enough to not take someone else’s issues personally and to hold your ground. Therapy can help you maintain this level of inner strength.
Are you prepared to put the work in?
You’ll need to do your research – one of the best ways to successfully be in a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder is to develop a strong understanding of how the disorder affects someone.
And again, borderline personality disorder relationships will test your limits. So dating someone with BPD is not for the faint of heart.
That said, personal growth is pretty much guaranteed in borderline personality disorder relationships. In fact you could say that dating someone with borderline personality disorder, if approached with eyes open, can be a fast track to knowing yourself and standing in your personal power.
Are you prepared to be deeply loved?
Most articles on the internet focus on the negatives about having borderline personality disorder. But like all things, BPD has a good side, too.
The large emotional scale people with borderline personality have access to means they can be very loving. They can also be deeply loyal, once they learn to stop lashing out and push/pulling whenever they get upset. And they are known for being very passionate.
Can you be compassionate?
People with borderline personality disorder are not ‘crazy’. They are deeply wounded.
A main characteristic of BPD is that the person suffered abuse as a child and/or did not have a caregiver they could trust.
This is not an excuse for unkind behaviour. But it is a call for empathy and understanding.
Interestingly, it’s found that after treatment those with BPD measure as high on the empathy scale – so expect empathy in return for what you’ve been through.
Do your personalities match otherwise?
People with borderline personality disorder are emotional to say the least. If you like talking about emotions, and being intense, this might work for you. In fact you might find it exciting.
If you are emotionally repressed, hate big emotions, and like life to be simple, not so much.
SO THE VERDICT IS…
People with borderline personality disorder are certainly not the easy route. And for some people, it might be far more than they are able to cope with. And that’s okay. The best thing to do is not get involved.
For other people, being with someone with BPD, if there is an open understanding to seek therapy and work together, can be a challenge that makes them feel alive. It ends up being their most profound relationship where they find themselves in the process.
In the end there is no diagnosis, psychological test, text book, or article that can tell you what is right for you. Love comes down to something between two people. You have to trust your instincts and limits, be honest with yourself, and be honest with the other person.
Are you worried about your relationship? Feel you are always attracted to people who overwhelm you? Harley Therapy connects you with some of London’s top therapists.
Or try our new platform, and get in touch with therapists across the UK or who you can talk to from anywhere via online or phone.
Have a question still about borderline personality disorder relationships? Post in our comment box below. Note that comments are moderated and we do not allow spam or inappropriate content.
Andrea M. Darcy is the lead writer and editor of this blog. She has studied coaching and person centred coaching. Diagnosed with ADHD when still quite young, she knows what it is like to be impulsive and sensitive or seem ‘too much’ for other people. Find her on Twitter or on Instagram @am_darcy.
This isn’t really a question, but speaking as someone with borderline, this is by far the best written article about BPD that I’ve ever read, full stop. It presents a much more balanced view of what we can be and doesn’t seek to demonize us. So many articles written about BPD seem to be written by people who don’t have it but definitely hate someone who does. We’re all horrible, manipulative, abusive monsters; absolute nightmares to deal with. I’ve never really read anything about the more positive side of the emotional scale (empathy, fierce loyalty, etc) on a professional therapy site and seeing this makes me want to cry. Thank you 🙂
You are most welcome Anon, I am really glad you found it helpful and relatable that means a lot to us to hear.
I am currently five months into dating someone with BPD. A lot of insecurities and doubts about where it is going so far. And it’s not my first time at the rodeo either. Just wanted to say that I found this article extremely helpful, insightful, enlightening and presenting a more balanced view on the subject than any others that I’ve read. The part about “are YOU seeking help?” literally made me laugh out loud. Flipping the implied question like that. I have to concur with Anon here, it really is the best article I’ve seen about BPD. Thank you
Gosh, thank you so much! Totally appreciated.
Agreed! Great article. I’ve been trying to find the right information to give to my partner of 8yrs about what BPD is, but eveything I pulled up was so horrible and it didn’t resonate with me. Yes the internal fellings sure, but the behaviours so many sites matched up with those feelings was definitely not me. SHIT….anyone of them is enough to send a person running.LOL
But thank you for writing an informed balanced article that I”m sending it to my partner now.
I’m curious about the similarity of BPD and adult ADHD?I have been diagnosed with BPD & PTSD, And {after many years of being told I am) I’ve just been referred to a psych for an ADHD assessment.The link between the 3 is actually quite interesting. I have been told that symptoms of PTSD and adult ADHD present very similarly. And now to find out that BPD and ADHD do as well. Thanks again
Yes, the link is VERY interesting. There are some who would argue that BPD, ADHD, PTSD….they are all really cover words for the same thing – childhood trauma. What we really need to do as a society is stop childhood trauma at its root. Sadly it is never being done.
Outstanding article! Wife of one year has BPD and I am in the fight with her FOREVER. I have told her I will NEVER leave. I have made mistakes by engaging in arguments and disagreement that have only made things worst. I have apologized and tried to explain to her that I was NOT given a blueprint on how to deal with BPD but I am learning daily! I do have a question however. How long does it take generally for a person with BPD to return to a normal state of mind? And what can I do to convince her that I am not the person that she sometimes accuse me of being? I love my wife very very much and I plan on spending the rest of my life with her. She has told me that she loves me no matter what and I love her the same! Help me please to understand. Thank you
Hi there. First of all, is she seeking therapy? BPD requires treatment. And the right treatment. Just working on it as a couple probably will just drain your energy and leave you in circles. See what works here. http://bit.ly/BPDtreatment And we’d also by the way suggest you get therapy yourself as you’ll need to be very good at boundaries and self-care. If all your focus is only on helping her, you’ll lose yourself. Plus most people who end up in a relationship with someone with BPD are there as they have their own matching issues like codependency (note how you blame yourself for making mistakes by not doing what works for her BPD… when in fact you don’t have to organise your entire life and being around it as it seems you are, or blame yourself, that isn’t healthy. Plus, is she learning every day? Putting the work in? Or just expecting you to change for her… as for accusations, that’s on her. She has to work on not accusing you all the time, you don’t have to prove who you are). Then we’d say don’t worry about forever and never and focus on one day at a time. As for ‘returning to a normal state of mind’, what exactly is this normal state? We find that all people are unique with problems. It’s just that those with BPD can’t hide theirs well and theirs directly affect relationships. People with BPD, if they don’t seek treatment, tend to mellow in their forties when enough life experience has them try new things. Treatment can of course make that far sooner and they can then have better, healthier relationships. But don’t expect perfection, she is likely to always be a sensitive person who is more reactive than others. But she might also be incredibly interesting, fun, and full of understanding for others. Best, HT.
Im so impressed by this article as one of the readers previously commented. I Suffer from BPD and was diagnosed Nov 2017 after a failed suicidal attempt that forced me to get myself admitted. luckily I have the best Psychiatrist that really understood me from the first consultation. Right now I’m doing much better, despite the occasional symptomatic behaviours peeping through. Im glad I came across this post because I have been really struggling with the relationship thing and find myself ending or sabotaging relationships. Now I know more about how to go about this. interestingly enough this post is relevant for anyone and everyone.
Thank you, great work
Thank you so much for this share, it is so wonderful to hear you found a good psychiatrist and we hope that gives other readers hope! It’s absolutely possible to find love despite BPD. Keep trying and learning and remembering you have unique gifts because of BPD, too, such as an ability to understand others emotionally and to be there for others during dark times that other people who don’t understand big emotions might be scared off by. Best, HT.
This article has helped me understand bpd a little more. I have just come out of an emotional an physically abusive relationship with a partner who had bpd. I couldn’t understand the accusations and, well any of it. He wasn’t diagnosed at the time an made me feel like everything was my fault. Now I feel guilty for my reactions as he was clearly struggling more than I ever knew. He was so nasty to me I just thought he was a horrible person but now its clear he struggled every day
Hi Josie, don’t feel guilty. How were you to know? You did your best. For us there is a big red flag in what you say, BPD rarely means physical violence, so we wonder, is he properly diagnosed or just self diagnosed? Any relationship involving physical abuse is best left behind you. It might be a lot more than BPD. Have you heard of coercive control? As if he’s saying he has BPD without a proper diagnosis from a psychiatrist it could just be another form of manipulation to gain control over uyou. Use our search bar to find our article on it. Accusations and physical abuse are signs. Do take care of yourself and don’t let feelings of guilt push you into a dangerous situation. We highly recommend seeking support to look at what attracts you to relationships where you are not treated well and where all this guilt comes from. Best, HT.
Hiya, thank you so much for your reply. He is currently waiting for some medical advice and diagnosis an on some medication been prescribed the meantime, however I think you are right there could be all sorts going on there. Lots of traits do add up to bpd. I suppose I am just looking for answers to help my recovery in a way 🙂
It’s totally understandable. He could have BPD along with another diagnosis. Mental health diagnoses are not ‘illnesses’ you can see under a microscope, they are words created by mental health professionals to describe people with similar symptoms, and often people have crossover or more than one diagnosis. It’s understandable to want to understand why he acted the way he did and what happened, and it’s encouraging he is getting help. But what matters most is taking care of you and getting support so that in the future you don’t end up in another abusive relationship but in one that you are supported and safe in. And to remember it’s not your fault and you did your best with the info you had at the time. Take care, HT.
Currently in a relationship for 1year 6months. From the start I knew he has this condition, he had few other cluster B traits too and somehow being a mental health professional I was constantly asked “How did I end up here”, when issues got worse. Honestly, I just fell in love,I’m a human being before I’m a psychologist, I saw him as a person with childhood trauma and lack of a proper guiding figure, he was also under therapy.Well I was also suffering from Persistent Depression from a long time myself and was ending my 8years long relationship because my previous partner was extremely down on emotional maturity, he also was extremely less expressive and it started affecting me. This person seemed like a gush of fresh air when it started, everything was on an off rocky from the start but I could finally see vivid emotional response of all kinds, my numbness started fading away. Currently facing a lot of issues because that push and pull has become very prominent ,it got overwhelming for me after my mother had a stroke so from last December I began therapy from a senior and he too is under the same therapist currently, somehow your article helped me even more and i could really relate to certain things, thank you.
Thanks for your article. It has helped. I’ve been with my wife for almost 20 yrs. Didn’t even hear about bpd until a week ago. It’s been hard, so my advice. Take care of yourself first. I guess my super man complex thought I could handle it. Knowing about it now and she’s getting help does help. Finding out she’s been in affair for the passes year and a half doesn’t. So imaging knowing how a person with bpd acts with someone else at the beginning stages. I’m trying to find help. One other piece of advice. Just because you “think” you have your shit together, don’t think the others as “damaged” or “less than”. They need to know they’re heard. It’s hard.
Thank you for this article. Not officially diagnosed but have some signs and have received psychological tools during therapy many times, thanks to that I can communicate when they’re coming. It really helps the realistic, positive approach and wish it can help
Ps. It doesn’t imply cheating or physical/psychological abuse
I wish my now-diagnosed BPD wife had done EVERYTHING else but the things she actually did. 6 months into our marriage (the honeymoon stage, the love it when you giggle phase, the “when you smile my heart melts” period) I realized she’d been cheating on me with many many men (almost anyone she could get her hands on) ever since day one, and up to the day when I found out. I wanted a divorce and she (like always) is insisting she won’t let this happen and would literally die if I left her alone. we’re going to therapy now and my therapist suggested not making a rash decision & wait for 6 months before making any move.
I’ve had my own issues and had been fighting tooth and nail with extremely severe and debilitating depression for the past 17 years (more than half my life – and all my adult life) and only agreed to get married (yes, she insisted on us getting married) because I had recovered for only 6 months and saw myself as capable handling challenges of married life. only 6 months after emerging from the deepest & darkest abyss I was faced with such a trauma.
she’s not diagnosed with NPD but the way she manipulated me before marriage and how heartless she had been to do all those horrible things without a tinge of guilt in her behavior up to just before when she was caught (I read almost all her messages on her phone and at no point did she appear to have a guilty conscience, not even the slightest.
I am devastated and the really really hard thing is that I can neither stay with her nor do I have the heart to let her go. I know I will greatly miss her and after divorce I might plunge even deeper into depression.
My relationship with a woman diagnosed with bpd ended with me being extremely hurt as well as feeling of deep betrayal. I had previously been in a relationship with someone that destroyed me so deeply and successfully painted me as the one doing the cruel things to her . She had basically conditioned me / I was co dependent then to a degree . I have strong moral values and I never waiver from them . I had my life burnt to the ground. It took me 4 years to be ok again. Fast forward to meeting the pwbpd . She pursued me while being in a relationship. She told her partner that she felt all these feelings for me and then obtaining my number from our place of work , she sent me a message saying she felt all this and that she told her partner and didn’t even know why she sent me the message . I just told her it’s not abnormal to feel things for someone who isn’t your partner but acting on them isn’t right . It made work uncomfortable . We all spent time together and looking back as well as insight from her friends she was triangulating me to cause him pain imo. We didn’t hang out after that but then he started to invite me back over . I found out that it was her pressuring him to do so so that she could be around me . We spoke often and I was closer to her than to him but she would tell me that they weren’t right for eachother and she was going to leave him. As time went on I found myself very fond of her and she would always message me after I left their place telling me I was one of her favorite people and she always felt happy and content when around me and thought of me often when I left . I told her that I was also very fond of her and she was in truth my favorite person to be around . She then told me if I’d be willing to explore a relationship together as we’d be so good together she said . I didn’t want to be the reason she was leaving him and she noted she had already told me she wanted to end their relationship before I ever told her I had feelings too. I told her that she needs to really be sure tha she wants to end it and that I wasn’t going anywhere and if that were to be a possibility that we’d have to go slow because she should take time to reflect on their time together and not just go into another one . She was very persistent and against my better judgment I waivered she came over and I didn’t want to be intimate but she wanted to be held and then made moves on me and I couldn’t resist according to her they were broke up I found out later that while she may have told herself that he clearly wasn’t aware . She couldn’t afford her place as he worked full time and she only 3 days a week and never was on time or called out often . She wanted me there always and then told me I can’t be there if I don’t help pay . She went about it in a very manipulative way . She was on meds claimed self awareness and therapy once a week aswell as some dbt. To try to sum up everything . I did have concerns based on all the ways she went about things , rushing etc but she always sounded reasonable in her explanation and I was giving her the benefit the doubt . I did everything for her I had real genuine love to give and I’m someone that is true to there word . She said she’s go full time to be able to support herself because we both should be able to and this early was not comfortable paying everything . I was willing to support in the meantime . She had to prove she would be on time for a month and immediately would make excuses as to why she couldn’t be in time or call out . She would tell me she was motivated by me and we would work to achieve our shared goals . Her ex didn’t according to her and that was why she wanted to end it . So she now is behaving exactly like she claimed her ex did . I continued to be as I am and would still try to be supportive . When she began her extreme need to attention I did all I could . She made me change jobs and I was happy to so we had hours on the same schedule so to speak . She then became angry that I gave a two week notice and that became her telling me I don’t care about her and rather be there for longer Because she is not worth being around etc. I was taken back by that . I did this for her and I was given criticism for it . I made every adjustment possible . She became so critical of me most
Of which were just in her mind . Not actually taking place and that feeling of concern I held the whole time was eating me up . We agreed to have open honest communication, she was open about how she could be and how to react . And when she had her first big spiral I was as she wished and she was very happy for that . Gave her safety she said . She never stopped being critical of me to a level I’ve never thought possible . It turned into her telling me I don’t love her and she doesn’t feel connected to me . I needed her to stop being so critical because it was really making me withdraw . I wanted to have the ability to use my phone for a hour or so to play a game or just mostly read about bpd. That meant I didn’t care about her and I have been lying to her about loving her . She just wants treated me worse and worse until . I was stern about needing her to show me I meant anything to her by easing up or following through on any single thing she’s said. She promised to do better . Her messages she’s began to send me were all about how she was proving her love to me that day by doing this and that and that she appreciated me . She knows she needs to do better becasuse she doesn’t want me to be angry at her . I was puzlzled because at that point I’d never lashed out at her always calm and with care in how I voiced my concerns .she started to include things like this a lot . When I would go home though , she had done nothing and would admit she just got distracted and scrolled on her phone all day and maybe did one thing like pick up the living room . It was hard to see and realize that she doesn’t seem to care but why each day send these messages and include things like , I know you get mad at me and I don’t want to make you mad I’m so sorry please don’t be mad . I began to be very frustrated and suspicious of all her behaviors. She sent messages to me at work that would start as looking like voicing insecurities about how she has dreams every night im cheating on her but it would lead into her telling me she thinks I don’t care and don’t actually want to be with her . It made me upset I began by abruptly telling her “ No that isn’t true they are only dreams , but how can you sit here and say I don’t care or don’t love you . I do eveything humanly possible to show you and it’s deeply hurtful to say these things . She responded with being mean to me and going off . I lost my cool and I wasn’t telling her mean things about her but I was cursing saying f this and you are only lying to me and using me , I’m only here to regulate you and meet your unrealistic expectations and tell her I’m done . That happened a couple different times . She eventually sd something really messed up to me and showed no remorse. I called her a lying pos. That’s the worst thing I had ever said to her and it was after all these behaviors and false promises . Always still doing all I could . She left me blocked me and was already back with her ex before even doing all this . She has used the messages to show her friend that I’m such an a hole and I was not as I claimed . After reading so much in bpd . She seems to allign with that except why would she be so incredibly dishonest manipulative and cruel ? Is that normal for someone that’s just bpd? I know there are nuances to things and there were times that my answers to a question were completely taken out of context by her and she’s be upset but I’d explain my intent and apologize and ask how to better say things so that didn’t happen . She never did a single thing she said always had an excuse as to why she wasn’t following through . In the very last time we spoke she was saying everything she was doing was ME not her and that SHE did everything she could and just couldn’t get through to me . I didn’t even have the chance to respond as she blocked me as I was typing . I’m. Sorry for this incredibly long comment but I don’t have anyone to even speak to I loved here for a few years and take care of my mom who has stage four cancer. I work and am home and no one but her to speak to . She split me black and it also during and after the relationship ended brought on ptsd like symptoms because her behavior was very similar to the past relationship. But she didn’t seem to come from a place of malice and I don’t believe her to be someone like that . It’s hard to make sense of because I read about how they love so much and she claimed that she knows people aren’t perfect but we communicate apologizing and changing the negative things we may have done . But she claimed she never lied or cheats but did both . Her friend I was able to speak to and after hearing me speak about everything and how deeply hurt I was and expressed love for her but also acknowledge that I have to never ever again let my intuition be dismissed. I felt it all along and still allowed myself to be used and thrown away never felt like I ever meant anything to her . I ruminate on the things I could have done differently and maybe she was actually able to be as she claimed but that her taking small things wrong even though I showed her I want and will do what’s best for her and make healthy changes that could have sent her into her devaluation of me ? It all seems like it was entirely pre planned. Especially because she used the messages that don’t show the whole truth and why I may have responded as I did in those instances . She clearly has memory problems and even told me she has to keep messags to be able to go back and be sure what happens . But that doesn’t include the i person interactions that are tied to those messages and that’s something anyone can take into account . Her friend already knew she was a flake and often had excuses and even lied to her often . Se thought I was nit as I claimed based on my exs messages between her and I but changes her view of it all after I was able to fully pour my heart out .I don’t leave out anything I don’t deny the times I was upset but explain how I got there and why . I take accountability but it wasn’t fair or ok and I took steps to ni it fall victim to another toxic type person but she was good at using her words .