Compassion for Borderline Personality Disorder. How to Treat Someone with BPD?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 4, 2023
“People with Borderline Personality Disorder are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.” – M. Linehan, creator of dialectical behaviour therapy.
The impact of the label “Borderline personality disorder”
The label of ‘borderline personality disorder’ is hardly an attractive one. People faced with this diagnosis can experience feelings of shame and embarrassment about who they are, facing a lifetime of judgement from others and themselves.
Personality disorders cannot be diagnosed until a person reaches 18 years of age, but the emerging ‘traits’ can be seen in teenage years.
Very often misunderstood and wrongly represented, people suffering with the condition tend to lead isolated lives coupled with crippling emotions and intense relationships.
Self-mutilation and suicide attempts are frequent symptoms, which receive a label of ‘attention seeking’ from outsiders.
- Are these perceptions of symptoms an accurate reflection of what the condition is like to experience?
- How are people diagnosed with the condition looking after themselves?
- What is the possible treatment for BPD?
- And how can others help those diagnosed with borderline personality disorder?
What is borderline personality disorder?
People diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) often present with symptoms such as deliberate self harm (DSH) and impulsive outbursts. But the main symptom is different.
Sufferers are people that have difficulty adapting to their environments, sometimes due to abuse or neglect, and have very strong emotional reactions to things.
It is important to grasp that borderline personalities are people, just like anyone else, and each sufferer will present quite differently from the next.
It would be a mistake to think that ‘all people with BPD self harm’ or ‘all people with a personality disorder are manipulative’, in the same way that not all psychologists can ‘read the minds’ of others!
There has been a lot of controversy around the label of BPD over the years, and even in the present climate, the DSM-V Committee* has conferred over changing the label and diagnostic criteria. What this highlights is the difficulty even professionals at the top level are having in understanding precisely what personality disorders really are. This filters down into how difficult individual sufferers can be to understand and treat.
What is it like to have Borderline personality disorder?
If someone has a borderline personality, they will always push people away, in fear of getting hurt. This is extremely difficult and painful for the people around them, as the sufferer can seem cold and angry, attention seeking, or not wanting help.
Usually all they are really searching for is the love, care and attention they did not receive as children.
They need to build trusting relationships that will not hurt them. This has a ‘black and white’ pitfall for a lot of BPD sufferers, as they will latch on very quickly to people that seem to give this kind of attention to them.
At this point, a borderline personality may feel euphoric in the belief that there is finally someone who will understand and love them. The downside to this is that the people they hold in such high esteem will always appear to let them down, in the slightest of ways, which to the sufferer is like experiencing the worst pain imaginable.
These feelings of hurt, rejection and shame lead the borderline personality to ‘act out’ in various ways, ranging from self-harm and impulsive behaviours, to suicide attempts – in short, anything to get away from the emotions they are experiencing.
In extreme cases, sufferers are hospitalised to prevent DSH or mutilation which could lead to death. By this point, the sufferer has been through so much pain and emotional suffering, that recovery is a long and drawn out task. These patients could have several suicide attempts behind them together with a long history of physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse.
Inpatients in psychiatric hospitals can have a hard time, as sometimes those with BPD know how to push nursing staff to their limits. Experts at pushing people away, projecting all their anger and frustration onto others, they often are the subjects of apathy amongst mental health teams, who are trying their best to hold the intense emotions on the wards.
Treatment for borderline personality disorder
By: SupportPDX
Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) was the model proposed in the 1980s by psychologist and BPD sufferer Marsha Linehan. The model advises a 12-18 month admission to help sufferers build the skills necessary to deal with their emotions.
For example, a sufferer may become very hurt when ‘someone says something the wrong way’. This could be painful for them because they experience this slight of tone as intense rejection of their character, which can lead to an urge to self harm.
With the skills in distress tolerance and emotional regulation incorporated into a DBT programme, the patient can learn how to cope with their emotions and choose to react differently.
Distress tolerance may incorporate different behaviours such as biting into chilis or punching pillows as a substitute to self-harm. Emotional regulation meanwhile looks at labelling and ‘radical acceptance’ of emotions, and engaging in behaviour which is opposite to how the person is feeling – e.g. laugh if you feel like crying!
Mindfulness has come to the fore of mental health in recent years, seen as an adaptive meditation technique. It has proven to be a fantastic tool as part of DBT, to help sufferers live in the here and now, and use the skill of ‘radical acceptance’ when it comes to dealing with intense emotional reactions.
For more recommended therapies, read our article on ‘Borderline personality disorder treatment – what therapies help?”
Having compassion for Borderline personality disorder individuals – what can we do to help?
By: Dimas Ario
Often, doing less is more. If this approach can be incorporated with compassion for, and understanding of the condition, then the sufferers can learn to trust those around them.
A borderline personality may regularly test people with outbursts such as ‘stop having a go at me all the time!’; ‘I don’t like you anymore’; ‘why are you here?’; ‘what do you want?’, ‘go away’; ‘I don’t want you here’ – to name a few expressions.
It is not easy for people to bear the brunt of this kind of communication, so awareness is key in accepting that these methods of communication are all in aid of testing the integrity of people around them.
This is where validation is key – constantly validating the way the person feels and helping them to label their emotion.
There is no one way to help the people suffering – everyone is different and should be treated as an individual.
That said, there are certain pitfalls to avoid, such as being drawn in too quickly into volatile and intense relationships, and being able to take a step back and accept that no one can ‘solve the problem’.
Try to see the condition not as something that is self-inflicted, but one which has a long drawn out history of emotional neglect and abuse, even if this is not entirely clear. For example, there are some people that have suffered rape and emotional abuse in the family, whereas another person may have had caring family around them whilst growing up, but to them something went so wrong that it felt to them like intense emotional abuse. Neither is better or worse, nor easier to deal with.
One of the hardest things to overcome in a relationship with a sufferer is resistance to change. Usually, sufferers will see emerging traits in teenage years, and are diagnosed before the age of 21. Research has shown that by the ages of 30-35, people seem to start to ‘grow out’ of the condition.
With more adult maturity, sufferers are able to gain insight into their condition and realise that they are able to control their world through positive change, by building different skills.
But until this time, it is almost impossible to ‘change’ a borderline personality. All the people around them can do is offer support, and as much validation as possible.
The most important element of this is knowing where to draw boundaries. Without boundaries, people faced with caring for sufferers are at risk of becoming enmeshed with the condition and feeling like they are failures themselves. Working towards a place where the person is open to change and interested in the treatment options would be a beneficial stance to adopt.
Summary
No matter how severe a mental health condition is, there is always a way out – once a person is given the correct support and structure to enable them to take responsibility for their own condition and move on into the world.
*Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Latest release was the 4th edition (DSM-IV), to be replaced by the 5th edition (DSM-V) once the Committee has reached its conclusions based on consultations and recommendations.
- Link to video clip about the experience of BPD:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QMda42jwO0
- Helpful Book on BPD
Author: Rachel Reiland ‘Get me out of here – My recovery from borderline personality disorder’.
By Jasmine Childs-Fegredo
Do you still have a question about Borderline Personality Disorder? Or would you like to share an experience? Use the comment box below, we love hearing from you!
I find the hardest part of helping the woman in my life who appears to suffer from BPD is being able to de-personalise the behaviour directed at me. There can be other people in the room and she will be friendly & interact happily with them then turn to me and talk as though I have just insulted her – even if I have not spoken a word. This does take some getting used to and reading above that “less is more” is something I will now try. In a way it is a shame we help them at all as most people who know her agree she needs to hit rock bottom before she will take steps to get help for her condition. By giving her money, shelter, food and most things others would have to work for she has no incentive to change. She is now pregnant, moving into a rented flat paid for by benefits, owns two cats, smokes and is hopeless at managing money. It will not be too long before she is behind with the rent (again) & has to make some hard choices to make (do I feed the cats or buy baby food and or tobacco?) and the result of these choices will of course be blamed on everyone else. It is very hard watching someone you love self destruct however I would rather be in her life in a supportive role than not be in it know she has no one who really cares for her. I just have to learn to practice “less is more” to ensure I don’t get burned in the process.
To be honest, reading this, it raises a lot of questions. Is this really BPD? As insulting you in front of others isn’t actually a BPD trait, it sounds more like narcissism. Borderline personality disorder involves being very oversensitive, more prone to insult someone in reaction to feeling criticised than randomly, consistently, and in front of others. The next question is, why do you think you deserve this? What makes you think you can’t live without this? What makes you feel this is your responsibility? You are right in that you can’t change someone else or make someone else go to therapy. The best thing you can do in this situation is perhaps seek help yourself and answer these questions.Because it’s not healthy to put up with this any more than it is normal for her to behave in such a way. And really, speaking of self-destruction, this is also self destructive, to choose to feel you deserve this treatment.
As I am in the process of what will be a permanent break from a girlfriend of 3 years, I can attest to the difficulty of not engaging with her when her outbursts and insults and even physical attacks come at times where I was trying to be as open and honest as possible. Usually including alcohol, and myself letting my guard down, the aftermath has left me questioning everything and extremely hurt. My world stopped, and it’s difficult because she seemingly has control until the least likely comment brings it back and it seems that it isn’t even me she is attacking. I’d accepted her for what she is, and my mistake is taking it on alone. I took the attacks and until it stopped when she was gone, actual trauma that I was pushing through without taking stock.
If you are in this situation, don’t be responsible for both of you, and remember you cannot “fix” it. I am lost without her, but not as lost as I was with her.
Thank you Harley for your articles and insight. My own journey through this is now in process.
“I am lost without her, but not as lost as I was with her.” Well said, Barry. Thank you for sharing. We wish you strength as you move forward
Greetings,
I spoke with my mother this week which I understood to be a second conversation to the original one we had when I was a boy She says she has no recollection of me telling her about the sexual abuse by an adult male neighbor during my adolescent years. I know I told her, I remember where we were and why I told her. My brother and father (her ex) know about the abuse, I turn 50 in a few days and have been searching for some self help information. I see a psychiatrist, have for most of my adult life, am diagnosed with major depressive disorder major panic disorder. Thank you for your article. After reading, I feel l relate more with this disorder rather than the disorders I am currently being treated. Anyway, I was curious if you’ve ever heard of a of a parent who doesn’t remember a child telling them of the abuse. Perhaps she’s blocked it from her memory, or is in deep denial. We never discussed it again, until I brought it up a few days ago. Thanks again.
Good evening, and thank you for sharing David. It’s actually fairly common, if sad, for parents to deny trauma that happened to their children. Perhaps this is because it is traumatic for mothers for their children to be abused, and it feels easier to cut it out of their conscious minds. Perhaps those same parents had trauma in their old childhood a part of them is terrified of triggering. Each individual is unique. While it can be the most painful thing in the world to not have the support of our own mother, what is important here is to take care of yourself. Does this psychiatrist at all do talk therapy with you? Here in the UK we don’t just prescribe drugs for thing like depressive disorder and panic disorder, we believe drugs make the symptoms manageable but the only real change will come from working with the trauma itself and the root, meaning a talk therapy is recommended. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is one that is recommended here for trauma, depression, and panic, so you might want to see if that is available to you? Hope that is of help.
My wife has BPD, we’ve been together for 3 years and married for a year of that. It was all so perfect right at the start she said she wanted to marry me after 10 days together which I thought was a joke but she asked again properly about 3 months later, in recent months of understanding more about BPD it points to people forming very intense relationships so I felt a little deflated. She has had “blips” during our time together but non so bad as now, she has almost shut off from me completely this last few weeks, she does see a CPN and told me yesterday she doesn’t know what she wants anymore, her meetings will go up to once a week, they want to put her back on meds but as she also has an eating disorder she refuses as believes she will put weight on, all of this has knocked me for six. She took off her wedding ring recently saying it was feeling too tight and cant understand why it hurts me that she isn’t bothered about something symbolic of our marriage, it has made me want to remove mine as im hurt by it. She mentioned that when shes free I always want to be near her which I assume she feels smothered, this isn’t the case I am just looking to spend time together when we are not at work. She spends long periods of time on her phone and social media and thinks I am nagging if I want her to be more “in the room” that can lead to arguments as she thinks Im being bossy but im not, it really is an emotional roller coaster loving someone with BPD and feeling like your walking on eggshells, I would love to find ways to cope better as I read so much info about it. I really don’t want us and our marriage to fail. When shes not great things just stop, I dont get a call on her lunch break or when she gets to work to let me know she is there to some these may be trivial but its what weve always done and I miss being like that.
Hi there, sounds like a lot of ups and downs and very draining. With BPD there is a lot of excitement but also drama that can be exhausting. You say you would love to find ways to cope better. Have you considered therapy yourself? As what we notice here is a total focus on her. She did she said, it’s as if you blame her completely or feel that all the ups and downs are only her. BPD or not, a relationship is 50/50.You for example decided to marry someone you just met and get involved quickly. Not something everyone would do. You see most people who date those who have BPD have their own matching set of issues such as low self-esteem which is what makes the BPD person attractive. So the best way to cope is to work on yourself and if possible seek counselling. In this way dating someone with BPD can be a positive as it can force you to see what you need to work on yourself. And how your happiness and confidence must be developed within and not be completely reliant on what someone else does or doesn’t do, partner or not. Good luck.
My brother has BPD. He has demanded I stop speaking to a family member “me or them” and of course, thinking it would help, I said I would. I now realise I possibly shouldn’t have given in to his demands? His emotions are so high and he will always turn things into a ‘everyone is against me’, when all i have tried to do over the years is support him – even when he is being unkind. I realise now that he is probably trying to push me away when he does this. BPD is so complex. I wish I knew more on how I should behave to best support him.
Hi Ann, it’s obvious you love your brother. And it’s nice that you are doing research. This is the best way to learn how to behave and support him, along with having an honest conversation with him where you could also ask how to best support but at the same time let him know your boundaries and what you will and won’t put up with. As you are right, you should not be at his beck and call, doing what he wants. That helps neither him nor you. You must do what is right for you in your life, regardless if he has BPD or not. So research, learning good boundaries, learning how to communicate these boundaries again and again in a calm way (as they will test them again and again) and letting him know constantly that he is loved regardless and you will not abandon him. All the best.
We have a daughter with BPD manifested from 13
Very loved & indulged & given endless support throughout her life by all the family parents & extended family. We have had raging eating disorders entitled behaviours & realities no one else recognises? She is beautiful slim & yet she used to as a teenager behave as if she weren’t & self loath not have confidence or Not have feelings of self worth. No matter what we said? She would ask if she’s a bad person or say she felt nothing inside?
Always made herself the center of attention but never in a good way? Spoilt others fun or holidays etc.
Now as an adult married with 3 kids but still very controlling everything has to be her way & the slightest thing could end up as a slight or complete end of communication until she resumes it & this happens to this day periodically. She is a great mother not sure about wife but has an excellent work ethic in fact did a degree at a university in NYC we paid for in her 20 ties / After completing her degree at home in the UK. As parents we blame ourselves but cannot understand what went wrong obviously the intervention we helped her get in the States was too late years of therapy that ended up blaming her dad which she has retracted then myself stealing her personality etc?? She has no empathy really & has pushed both sides of our family away on many occasions until all have given up on her as they get nothing in return & neither do we? She pushes us away & pulls us in only to push us away again.
1st pregnancy pushed us away then wanted us at baby shower we overindulged her again gave her everything she needed & then she dropped us not telling us when the baby was born? Pulled us back again & so it continues till this day & we are in our 70 ties & it doesn’t get easier! Our son won’t have anything to do with her as will none of the family
A tough one?
Hi Yvonne. While you have made this comment all about your daughter, for us it’s really all about you. What we sense above all else is anger. Have you ever gone and sought support for yourself? To unpack and process your own issues and emotions over this longstanding complicated relationship with your daughter?
I have this shit all over me … I am 37 and i remember the first time i experienced the shock was when i was 13. I remember saying to a friend of mine “i want her i want her i want her” and bursting inside me from lust and fear. I can understand that the feeling was fake, cause i didn’t know her, i didn’t try to get her, and we were so young that nothing serious could expand. The only serious thing was her to give me a smile and I would feel ok and forget about everything. And since then it happens all the time. And sometimes its my fault because i don’t have the courage to go talk to her, sometimes are my bad vibes when i do find the courage to talk to her, but most of the times i found out that this had nothing to do with her, cause i don’t even know or like her. For some reason, i am desperately cyring inside me for validation. The strange thing is that my parents didn’t beat me or anything, they love me and everything. Why I have no boundaries… why i have no self esteem.. why do i look for things that will possibly reject me…that’s all a mystery to me.
Hi Angelo, this is only a comment, so we don’t know the full story. But being 13 and really feeling head over heels for a strange girl is not borderline personality disorder. It’s normal behaviour for a young teen. It’s also normal as a man to be smiled at by a female and then have fantasies, and again not BPD. From what you are saying it sounds like you want to be in love and might have some relating issues, but we aren’t seeing in this comment anything that would hint at BPD, just loneliness.
I’m a 30 yr old woman and I have always had difficulty making friends even though I always wanted to be part of a group. I am desparate for validation both at work and my personal & family life. I have never had a romantic relationship and even though I (thought I) tried many times, I seem to get disappointed and push men away very early on, in fear of being hurt or rejected. I am EXTREMELY sensitive and because I cannot hide my emotions (which are either VERY HAPPY or VERY SAD) I think people don’t like my energy. Especially at work. I can feel hopeless after one mistake or critical comment and fall easily into negative thinking. I also face hormonal problems due to PCOS and all that comes with it (the brain fog is soo bad!). My childhood was not too tramatic but I blame my parents for neglecting themselves and their children. I did not have a strong feminine example and I felt rejected by my dad when I became a teenager. My relationship with my mom is good now (+she’s my only social friend) but I cannot even bare a glance from my dad so, I avoid him. I’ve dealt with self harm before and depression which I’m falling again into. If I wasn’t thinking of my mom, it’s possible I would have committed suicide by now. I very often feel very disconnected from the world, even when I’m surrounded by people. I tried psychoanalysis but after a few months (both times) I felt that my situation didn’t seem very important to my therapist as I seemed to make such a rapid progress.
Yiota, we are sorry to hear this, but we want you to know there is hope. If you did have BPD, it’s no surprise psychoanalysis would not have helped it would have even made you feel worse! It has a very cold client/therapist relationship, and is very out of style here in the UK. The reason you would have on the surface seemed to have made rapid progress is because with BPD or attachment issues your mind is highly trained to please, even a therapist, so you’d mould yourself to what he/she wanted. If they didn’t notice, well, not a good therapist for you. We highly recommend you read our article on therapies that work for BPD (or even just attachment issues, which might be the issue over BPD, you’d have to have a proper assessment to say). A great idea is to do a round of CBT first, a short term therapy that helps you question your thoughts so they don’t as easily control your emotions. Followed by a longer term therapy like schema therapy or dialectical behaviour therapy. Schema therapy in particular has a strong focus on a very warm client/therapist relationship and might be great for you. The article is here http://bit.ly/BPDtreatment Don’t give up on yourself, we are sure you have an awful lot to give as a person. Many people with BPD are very empathetic, caring, supportive, and loyal, they just need a chance. Best, HT
My husband has had two hard heartbreaks before he met me. During our dating time, he used to easily get angry at me. Thinks everything was my fault and that am overreacting when he says something hurtful to me. He feels am a liar and doesn’t trust me when he says something and I tell him he said the exact thing a few days later. This has caused me not to love him anymore. He feels hurt easily and always feels he’s right when in fact he’s wrong. He can switch from a happy mood to a monster in a flash. We have a daughter together and am afraid if he’s around her, she might copy him someday. What should I do about him as he can stop talking to me for over a month and think it was a day.
Hi Tori, so this is a list of all his faults. The thing is, a relationship consists of two people. It’s impossible for one person to be responsible for everything, that is not the way relationships work. Also, you can’t change him or make him someone else. You can’t control someone. You can only work on and control yourself. For example, you say you don’t love him anymore. So you are then choosing to stay, and that alone makes you responsible, can you see this? It sounds like the communication between you is poor and you are stuck in victim mode. Victim mode stops us from seeing the other person clearly and also keeps the other person trapped in the ‘baddie’ role. But you aren’t a victim. Even if he was the worst man in the entire world, you are making the choice to stay and have power here. And choosing to only see the negative and try to change and control someone. So we can’t tell you what to do about him. We can tell you what to do about you. Seek support. Look at your own ways of relating, figure out what happened to you in childhood that left you attracted to this level of drama and dysfunction, and decide if this is a relationship you want to stick around and work on. Note we aren’t suggesting the answer is to leave. We don’t know you or him or how complicated the situation really is as we are getting a one sided story. So we have no idea about that. What we are saying that there is not a lot of healthy relating going on here, from either side. And it’s likely if you don’t seek support for your own relating issues you’ll probably recreate a similar relationship with someone else. As for your daughter, note she might also copy you, not just him. What are you modelling for her at this time? Something to think about. Best, HT.
The two articles on abandonment and BPD are fascinating. I have never been diagnosed with BPD, but have to wonder if I have it. I was sent to British boarding school, age 6, when my parents moved to Paris. I remained in boarding schools till the age of 18. In a way it was a saving grace because whenever I was around my mother I was her target. By the age of 12 I was severely depressed, until the age of 45. I tried to kill myself when I was 26, by fire, and was sent to a mental hospital after 2 months in a burns unit.I was in and out of mental hospitals for a period of 7 years and on Elavil and Thorazine, then Prolixin and Elavil for 25 years. My initial diagnosis was “paranoid schizophrenic”, which was a catch all back in those days. I have been in counseling off and on for 50 years, and have had treatment for chronic PTSD. I have been free of psychotropic meds for 27 years, thank God.
I have been struggling in my marriage for 30 years. My husband is a very kind, well balanced person who has difficulty with expressing his emotions. In the BPD article, you say “they always push people away, in fear of getting hurt”, and that makes me wonder if I have BPD. I feel like such a failure in my marriage. I am incredibly sensitive, as if my radar is going all the time. I can be kind to him for a couple of weeks and if he in any way seems absent or disapproving I start reacting and blow it. Same pattern for years. I am loving and supportive with my children and my friends, but have never been able to be consistently loving and supportive of my husband. I am uneasy with most of my relationships ( children and grandchildren included), as if I have to be on “good behavior” all the time. Does this sound like BPD? Every piece of the puzzle helps! I appreciate your feedback. Thank you.
Hi there Alison. It could be argued that BPD has become the new ‘catch all’! Note that a very, very high percentage of those diagnosed with BPD also have experienced trauma. Being left at boarding school could certainly constitute a trauma. And do keep in mind that borderline personality disorder, like most mental health disorders, is not an illness you can see under a microscope. It’s a group of symptoms a certain amount of people have at this current time in Western society, so a group of mental health practitioners decide to name it. Terms change with each new edition of the DSM and ICD-10, and go in and out of style. All that to say, remember that above all you are YOU. Alison. Human being. Who has gone through some tough stuff. Call it what you want. Some people find it very helpful to have a diagnosis as it is a relief to understand yourself, and it can certainly help you get the right treatment. We would never diagnose someone based on a comment. You’d need to work with a psychiatrist for a diagnosis, who could truly get to know you. Back to the fact that many of those diagnosed with BPD have trauma. c-PTSD is growing as a diagnosis (still, unbelievably, not fully embraced in UK), and can have very similar symptoms. We would say that BPD often makes it impossible to have a long term relationship at all and a personality disorder affects all areas of life not just one and is present from adolescence/early adulthood. So you’d be more likely to have issues with all relationships. Your kids, your colleagues, family. Again, this is not a diagnosis one way or another. And you might end up finding one therapist says yes, another no, again, not an exact science, you’d be diagnosed using questionnaires. What you might want to consider as a better focus is what treatment could actually change all this? We have articles on here that discuss the therapies for trauma and BPD (not surprisingly a lot of crossover). http://bit.ly/BPDtreatment http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. Note that with BPD and trauma it’s important to use the right type of therapy with a trauma/BPD focus (otherwise you run a risk of making trauma worse, not better, the articles discuss this). We’d also say given that your main relationship you struggle with is with your husband couples counselling might be a route to consider. In summary, sorry we can’t give you a perfect answer. Being human isn’t perfect, nor is the world of mental health diagnoses, where there is actually constant disagreement. We can want a perfect answer as we secretly hope it leads to a perfect solution that will save us from ourselves, but here we are, left being us. Don’t forget to give yourself some credit for all you have achieved, which sounds an awful lot, considering a childhood that didn’t seem to give much of a great start. Best, HT.
Hi. I’m an African, who grew up in a conservative family that made a rule of not talking to outsiders about family matters. I was raped by mothers friends husband and I never told parents. For some reason I kept it to myself. The first time he did so successfully, the second time he tried I ran to my parents who’d left me with him for a few minutes.
The perp was caught when he tried to rape a third time but when I was asked by the cop and my father if it was the first time I said yes. And I remember being so overwhelmed and so shy and scared. Scared to be judged for keeping quiet the other times he came onto me. The first time I was 5/6yrs old, the second time must’ve been 6/7and when he got caught I think I may have been 7/8 years old. I’d just gotten into grade school when he got sentenced for “attempted rape”.He was charged 10yrd. A lesser charge due to my dishonesty. Okay so I went through to a school was bullied and made fun off for some reason. I was grandiose, story telling was my thing. Or lying, making up slightly untrue realities that would entertain my classmates. Until one of them would call me out for lying and I’d refute that accusation with shame for being exposed and lost possible friends. Then I was made fun of and bullied consistently throughout lower grade school. I remember kids hiding my shoes(they later had a laugh over this on Facebook during reunion season, I didn’t go. I deleted Facebook and have avoided social media since.) after PTA and I was the laughing stock of the school when it circulated coz I had to attend class barefoot and a lot of people saw during assembly. Funny thing is I didn’t remember this incident until they mentioned it on Facebook.
So I engaged alcohol and dating early Putting myself in risky situations at night. My parents marriage was deteriorating, my Dad left home for a few weeks and I stole money(I was appointed treasurer) from the school fundraiser fund entrusted to me to buy some food at home. I couldn’t take anything anymore I took the whole bottle of my mothers prescription meds and woke up in hospital with my father there when I came to. I remember I had to break into our home because my father had left my mom and I and my baby brother at the time to go see his mistress I think, I was really sick of living. But I somehow managed to put up a face and go to school and pass my grades somehow. I was seriously disturbed though. Did some shameful things. There was a lot shame and secrecy. But I soldiered on. Only years later did I realize that there was some serious anger festering. As my parents relationship fell to the dirt my mother was horrible. I hit teenage hood and she was sick with me. Had a weird outlook concerning me and my relationship with my father. As though I was competing with her. This made me dislike my mom. I won’t lie I was tolerating her and so even though my father was wrong(and he played the victim once he was caught, when the child born out of wedlock by his mistress was revealed and we all knew, by all I mean members of our household, myself my mom and my little brother) I wasn’t openly condemning to my mothers disgust and disdain. So my high school years were a mess. Slurs almost every morning fights almost every evening. But the pretense was so real. But I just couldn’t I would go to school and cry there. But remember I was carrying a load of my own and I continued making senseless decisions that would have me rejected amongst my peers. But I gratuated high school. And even though I graduated I time I got so off track it didn’t matter. I failed tertiary. 3yrs in a row had to go back home and was home for about a year and my father reapplied for me and chose the course. I went, graduated. But I was a mess there as well, specifically when my parents got divorced and my father married the mistress. I sunk. Bad. I was waking up in random places after binge drinking. I eventually inevitably blacked out once and found myself being raped by a man I barely knew. I was quiet. AGAIN. For days. Until my bf at the time caught me out on a lie. He was appalled. Disgusted. How could something like happen to me and not say anything. Prior to this Our relationship was also affected. We met at a pub introduced by a mutual friend. And we hit it off. And we dated. But I dumped him. I think at the time I thought I didn’t deserve him. But seeing him wanting me like he did, made me feel validated but not in a good way. As though I was stringing him along in a way. But i broke up with him. And when my parents got divorced I turned to him, and he felt like home. Safe. Loving. Warm. But it didn’t take long for me to mess that up. As the stuff with my parents got worse, I grew more attached to him, and I’d hang around with him while he was with his friends. I’d get hit on but I’d firmly say no. But again as things got worse at home I got more angry. So wreckless, senseless, hurtful, degrading begavior after another. I’m a mom and I realized how much anger I harbored all these years when I couldn’t drink to escape feeling anything that addressed that. That addressed my life. So as a mom I grew isolated. I detached from friends. My life came to a halt. Unemployed single mom(the father is the bf, who is now an ex bf). I had to move from my apartment to my moms place, to my fathers house. A house he bought in the same neighborhood as the mistress who is now he’s wife. So they each have a house in this area and I’m in my dads. And everybody know my family background here. Strangers. I’m the daughter of the usurped ex wife. So I’m closed off. Have been depressed for a while. So much anxiety that I’ve been trying to work through. I’d love a session but I probably can’t afford it. So I’ll appreciate even the smaller bit of insight as Iv said I can’t afford therapy and I have a child so It’s not as though I do not need the help. BPD seems fitting but I think there could be more. What can I do to help myself?
Zena, there is a lot self judgement and shame here, and we’d first off start by saying, you are not a bad, horrible person like you seem to tell yourself, you are person who had a terrible trauma as a 5-year child, who didn’t feel protected, heard, or supported over it, and has been navigating that fallout ever since.You might want to look at our article on complex trauma, ‘c-PTSD’. There are many, many crossover symptoms with BPD, and we don’t think you should assume you have BPD (nor would we ever diagnose anyone based on a comment). Don’t forget that all these ‘diagnoses’ are just terms created by health care professionals to describe groups of people with similar symptoms, not medical illnesses, and above all you are you. This sort of traumatic experience of childhood sexual abuse often leads to self abuse, addictive behaviours, and relating difficulties. It is a LOT to navigate alone with nobody to talk to. Ideally you would find support as it would be so helpful, we don’t know the situation with therapy in your country. We do have an article on how to find low cost or free counselling here, see if it inspires you with ideas of where you might find some near you. http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. One session isn’t the right approach as therapy is a long committed journey, the first session is always just taking your history anyway, what would be best is the chance to form a trusting connection (which won’t come easy so in and of itself is part of the healing process, learning to trust the therapist) and slowly start to unpick all this sadness and pain as well as learn how to see what is right about yourself and your life (trauma blinds us to seeing our own potential and positives). Until then, self help is always a good start. There are many, many wonderful books on surviving abuse out there, and forums and online suppor groups where people connect. And there are tools that can help such as journalling https://bit.ly/journallingHT and mindfulness http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. But we really think you should do what it takes to seek proper support. Therapists are out there for all budgets now, with many working for less money over the internet. In the UK you can find therapy for hundreds a session, sure, but also 25 a session! Or less if it’s a student practitioner. Also take the time to read our articles on finding a therapist as when we are traumatised we can struggle to trust a therapist and it can take some doing to find that click. And this article is useful, therapy that works for trauma http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. If you really only wanted to try one session of something, then things like clinical hypnotherapy or BWRT are designed to calm the mind and create a window of stability, can help trauma-based anxiety. Best, HT.
Imagine growing up, surviving through some of the harshest abuse. Just wanting one person on your side. Only to feel like no one in the world loves you. Reinforced online that even therapists don’t want to deal with you. Imagine all the fears of being alone constantly being reinforced. You end up with being lonely but wanting to be alone so no one can hurt you. Imagine being alone.
I have never been diagnosed however doing research on my behaviour leads me to BPD. I started having relationships at a young age, with anyone who would give me attention, even if I did not like some things about that person the attention is enough to keep me there, meaning various relationships with drug dealers, older men. I have always had unstable romantic relationships and often blamed my partner, starting arguments such as you don’t love me enough or you don’t message me enough despite talking every day. I have done this in relationships as long as I can remember, to get attention and reassurance from my partner. If my boyfriend went out and didn’t message me I would believe he’s cheating on me and I will try to break up with him. Leading me to be told I’m overthinking, crazy and even cold by wanting to break up over what they believe is small things or things which are actually untrue. I have disproportionate outbursts compared to the situation, this could be burning food I’m cooking causing me to lash out at whoever is in the room or my partner/friend/family member making a remark about my room being messy. I don’t know if this is due to feeling attacked or fear of rejection, I will insult my partner / friend / family causing bigger arguments which stray from the initial cause.
I have a very black and white view of things, if it’s not perfect I don’t want it but then I have issues of setting boundaries or saying no. Causing me to feel trapped in relationships I don’t want. Despite coming across as cold I have deep empathy and feel other peoples emotions as my own, which makes me believe it may not be BPD as hearing many people with it lack empathy.
I have been convinced family members have set up hidden cameras to spy on me, and family members / friends secretly hate me and don’t want me around. Causing me to reject them, many people have told me I create arguments from nothing. It’s hard feeling there is something wrong with me and not being diagnosed as many people call me crazy/overthinker when I feel they don’t understand me
My adult son has been diagnosed with BPD. He started with an eating disorder, then OCD then ADHD and finally diagnosed with BPD. My husband (his dad) passed away 4 years ago. My son took his death very hard and was on disability for 3 years. He has recently had to go back to work. I have tried hard to love him to health and have put my life on hold for the past 11 years. I have recently met a man and we are now engaged. I handled telling my son about the engagement in the worst possible way and now my son is really upset with me. I feel badly drawing this kind man into my life and subjecting him to the disfunction and I also feel so sad for my son and the fact that he has to deal with BPD daily.
Hi there I saw your page and noticed you reply to every comment and felt you might be able to give me some insight to myself as I am aware I had a very emotionally neglectful childhood as did my sister and my parents dropped hints with phrases such as ‘she’s very emotional – and I distinctly remember being the brunt of her emotional outbursts (coming home and dumping all her anger on me – I was EXTREMELY relieved once she moved out and felt a sense of dread when K heard she was coming back) and extremely sensitive reactions (she swiped the chess board and glared at me when I told her one of the pieces can’t do that move).
My earliest memory was walking through the house not feeling anything, just a brown sad colour in the air and no one tending to me ever. I was put in front of the computer and was never tended to then told to go to my room. Whenever waking me up my mum would sing loud horrible songs that would make my head hurt with stress and I assume anger. Never once growing up was I asked how do I feel, or what do I want, never. One day whilst at uni in my second year, my housemate noticed I slept a lot, withdrew from people and locked my door because I always felt like people were mocking me, wanted something from me – he came into my room, sat on my bed, gave himself up or softened himself up and asked me what I wanted – and the only thing that came out of my mouth wasn’t materialistic but I said ‘to be taken seriously’ – he heard me, listened, then left without saying anything, then a few days later years of anger and sadness shot up from my stomach and I had a heavy downpour of tears and was in a full blown panic thinking I was unsafe and in danger. From then on out I began to heal and realise I was worth something. I did however experience multiple episodes of hypervigilance, panic attacks and severe anxiety when I was out of breathe from running and predicted someone would get all up in my space when I couldn’t talk and was on the verge of vomiting.
I am hyper aware of my environment and notice danger immediately such as narcissistic individuals or someone committing theft such as taking a £20 out of my wallet and replacing it with a £5 when my wallet was left in the office by accident when I was out on delivery.
I am incredibly sensitive to criticisms of my knowledge, passions and insults that attack my character. I am always deeply hurt when someone carelessly criticises me. The reason I get hurt is because my intuition is almost 100% correct and I know when it comes from a bad place.
I have never truly felt happy and have always said (life sucks) and the only time I’ve felt loved is with a girl who eventually cheated on me after 3 years.
I have been described as moody and I also noticed a comment I once said when someone criticised me (I can be who I want to be).
I am very impulsive, spend without care and don’t think about the future.
I naturally think everyone is against me and I do not trust people, always analysing what they’ve said and watching their body language.
I am unaware of what I really want in life, and would not know how to go about getting it. One of the things I’ve noticed (sometime after my housemate asked me what I wanted) is that when K went to go buy my first car my Dad was telling me ‘this red tiny vauxhall is so you’ but I felt a feeling that told me I want the Renault Modus family car so I could have friends and company – despite not having any friends at the time – my Dad seemed ultimately pissed at my decision.
I am also very sharp with friends (later on when I did have friends) who show signs of not caring about me. A feeling pops up in my stomach where I feel what I really feel and I sharply shout their name to get them to listen.
I am also described as an empath in which I fully feel what someone else feels (I have felt a narcissists repressed anger in full form – legs red hot and jello, stomach on fire and red sharp pain in my teeth). I am more aware of other peoples problems than my own and have been told I have emotional synthesia in which I see emotions and feeling from other people in colour and I know who’s been in the car/van at work based on the colour of the feelings they left in the car.
I understand this is an awful lot to put on your plate, however after 4 years of a severe mental condition which no one believed was true has left me with CPTSD. And having been in therapy for 4 years, I just want to understand who I am or what I might be. I really hope you can find the time to give some insight to my inner experiences, as I can’t do it alone. Many many thanks <3
Dad was a functional Alcoholic, who isolated us from friends and relations – we were each other’s solace growing up. Mum was sickly; but a loving, tender mother. We were a large family. From the get-go, I was a timid, anxious, emotional and introverted kid.
Even at a young age I felt the underlying tension in our household. I could never relax, and I only felt safe around Mum, I knew I could Trust her.
She died while we all still in Primary school. Then it was my brothers and I, and a father who would forget to come home. Our eldest sisters had families of their own. Life changed pretty dramatically, and it became filled with fearful uncertainty. My brothers each found a girlfriend in their teens. They hardly came home, and I became clingy to whomever noticed me. We were all surviving as best we knew how. But it was confusing when our Dad critiqued, belittled and verbally abused our characters as time went on. I tried my hardest to be perfect to appease him. He stopped seeing us as his children in the end, we became a millstone around his neck. Eventually, it happened with my brothers’ as well. I had became too clingy, and my burden became too much for them to bear. None if it mattered in the end as Dad kicked us out and we had to find somewhere to stay. The bro’s stayed with their girlfriends and I drifted between friends homes. My self-esteem was so low I couldn’t pull myself together. I hid my deep depression, chronic loneliness and morbid fear of the unknown. I also clung onto anyone that would show me attention and becoming a people pleaser. Having no self-respect and no street smarts, I was an easy target for manipulation. It took a few years of this for me to wise up. I let go of Trust and hardened up instead. The only way to stop myself feeling that deep emotional pain was to never allow anyone into my heart again. I put up a wall. The only time it’s come close to being down was when my children were infants and with my pet dog.
I’ve realised it’s not people who are the problem, but my own fears that propel me. When anyone gets too close, I become obnoxious or verbally abusive or cold, to repel them. When I see their reactions, its comforting. Anything to avoid confronting that horrible pain in my heart – which triggers lots of painful memories, eventually leading to the awful truth that I once had a Mum and a Dad and a family where I felt safe. I couldn’t save the situation and it all fell apart. I lost control, I got hurt…..never again.
I’m getting assessed for BPD and Bipolar Disorder soon. I have so much trouble regulating my emotions. I feel distressed most of the time, like my chest has a hurricane in it. I feel like crying and hurting myself to let some of it out. I look for distractions, and sometimes have bursts of energy where I impulsivity go out, talk to strangers, drink, or start big projects that I won’t finish or spend a bunch of money and then I’ll go home and feel like crying and hurting myself as soon as I’m alone again.
The part about latching on to someone and holding them in such high esteem that they let you down in the slightest of ways and cause the worst emotional pain really resonated with me. I had a boyfriend who I just wasn’t compatible with but he was the first person I felt ever really loved or understood me so I went all in on our relationship and he let me down consistently just by being himself and doing the things he liked and I didn’t, and it hurt me so deeply. Some of the stuff he really shouldn’t have been doing and are part of his own issues but I also recognize that some of my expectations of him were unreasonable.
I got to be in so much pain that I broke up with him but I’m still obsessed with the idea of getting back together. I was in pain with him but it’s been so much worse now that I’m alone. Like I don’t know who I am and wondering if my actions are healthy growth and exploration or if I’m looking for a way to hurt myself. It’s all very confusing.