Doubt in Relationships – Useful or Toxic?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 2, 2023
By: simpleinsomnia
by Andrea M. Darcy
Doubt in relationships – a sudden fear or uncertainty about the person we are with – is inevitable and not necessarily a bad sign.
Doubts can feel a shock as they tend to first surface when the high of falling in love is infiltrated by the truth that you are not so entirely simpatico with your partner as you had hoped. You are indeed two people with differences.
But doubt can also mean that things are progressing to another stage of commitment where differences are worked on and growth happens.
Unless, of course, you let doubt get the better of you.
Why do we doubt the ones we love?
Doubt is a normal response to change.
Just like we doubt what taking a new job or moving to another city might do to our lives, doubts surface in relationships when things progress in a new direction. Doubt often comes, for example, when a new level of a relationship presents itself, such as talk of moving in or of marriage.
So some doubts are really just a stress response.
They can be our brain’s way of working through and preparing for the new challenges ahead. These doubts tend to sound like:
- What if I’m still attracted to other people, is that a bad sign?
- But I don’t like his or her friends all that much…
- Are they really my ‘One’?
- Are we really a match sexually?
- I am not sure about the way he or she manages their finances….
Note that all of these doubts are actually perspectives over things set in stone. They are issues that can change over time, or are often only one side of the story.
(Are your doubts more over your partner’s actions and behaviours towards you? See below for doubts that are not so healthy.)
When doubts are your issues in disguise
By: Lance Neilson
Doubt can be hiding your fear.
Often this is a fear of intimacy. If every step towards a more committed relationship has your doubts rising like a crazy chorus, you might want to look into what it is you are scared of around letting someone close and sharing your life.
Doubts can be a form of sabotage.
If you do have a fear of intimacy, doubts might be your secret way to sabotage a relationship and push away the person you love before you even realise what you are doing.
Doubts can be hangovers from past experiences.
Sometimes we think we are doubting the partner we are with, but really we are assuming certain things about our present relationship based on past experience. For example, you might doubt your partner truly loves you if in the past you dated emotionally unavailable types, or doubt your partner is honest if your previous partner cheated.
Doubt about your partner can also be your own doubts about yourself.
It can pay to take a good look at yourself first when it comes to doubts. It might be your own behaviour towards your partner that you are projecting. If you have doubt that you can trust your partner, is it possible that deep down you aren’t sure he or she can trust you?
Doubts might even be your own feelings about yourself that you are putting onto the other.
If you doubt your partner loves you, is it possible you don’t, deep down, really love yourself?
It’s often not doubt that’s the problem, it’s this
Doubt is rarely the real problem in a relationship. It’s a lack of communication that tends to be the true issue.
By: Scarleth Marie
If you have doubts that you feel you can’t talk over with your partner, the question might be less why you have doubts but why you can’t communicate them.
Do you fear upsetting them? Why? Do neither of you know how to navigate conflict, or do you not trust each other enough to be vulnerable around each other? These are issues worth looking at, alone, or with a couples counsellor.
More ways to deal with doubt
Journalling can often help. Free form writing about your doubts can often help you see where they really come from, such as if they are really just a doubt you are bringing over from a previous relationship.
Be wary of talking over your doubts too much with the wrong people. Doubts are often just fears and anxieties over real problems. But talk about them too much with, say, your friend who is jealous of your relationship, or your mother who never likes any girl you date, and they are going to help your turn those doubts into real issues by bringing in biased views. Try to spend time sorting out your doubts for yourself first, then talk to someone you truly trust, or even to a relationship coach.
Balance your doubts with an equal focus on what is working. Many of us have brains that are trained to focus on the negative, meaning we don’t even notice the positive unless we choose to. Try spending time every morning going through five things that are going right with your relationship. Or keep a list you can add to and review in trickier moments about all the ways the relationship works and your partner is just what you need.
But what if your doubts are more serious in nature?
It’s important to know the difference between garden variety relationship doubts and more serious doubts.
By: Victoria Reay
Big, red flag doubts are questions about how you are being treated in a relationship can be more serious, as they can be a sign that you are in a relationship that is damaging to your emotional, psychological, or even physical wellbeing.
They sound like:
- He refuses to tell me where he goes at night
- she didn’t tell me she was seeing other men too
- She pushed me last night and it was the second time
- He won’t let me see my friends
- She keeps making negative comments about me that make me feel awful
- When I tell him I don’t want him to come over he shows up anyway
- He keeps grabbing my arm so hard it hurts
How can you tell the difference between healthy doubts and red flag doubts in your relationship?
Healthy doubts tend to be assumptions about the relationship itself. Whether it’s working, whether it’s the right one for you, whether you both want the same future.
Red flag doubts tend to be about the other persons actions and behaviours are and are often things that come with factual evidence if you consider them further.
If you doubt they are trustworthy when they took your car without asking and didn’t pay back money you lent them, that’s a reasonable doubt. If you doubt they have your wellbeing in mind when they have pushed you during an argument, that’s evidence they might not.
The above red flag doubts are signs of betrayal, control, disrespect, and completely overstepping personal boundaries.
If these doubts sound familiar, it’s a good idea to talk to someone you trust such as a good friend, to call a support hotline, or to talk to a relationship counsellor or coach who can help you understand what you are dealing with and what decisions about the situation are right for you.
Do you have an experience with doubt in relationships you’d like to share? Do so below, we love hearing from you.
Andrea M. Darcy is a writer with coaching and counselling training. She often writes about relating. Find her or hire her @am_darcy
some doubts are really just a stress response.
Thanks for sharing informative post.
Yes, good point, thank you. Doubts can be a form of anxiety, a way of the mind creating a distraction.
Hi,
I have many doubts. I am an extremely loyal person, and feel I would fight for anyone who shares a part of my life. I don’t know what’s good for me. I don’t trust my instincts, if they are honest, if they are skewed. I want to be objective about my mistakes, my culpability, my part to play.
I have been in a difficult relationship for a year now. The previous was also strained and oppressive. When I first met my current guy, he was like a saviour, he awakened an aggressive sexuality that came naturally with him, something I’d never explored. I didn’t think anyone would find me attractive; but he did. He choked me one night too far and I lost control of my mind-body connection for about a half hour. Our sex was a precedent for the strangled relationship it became in all respects. Ten days after dating, I got diagnosed with herpes. I wasn’t upset at the time because I thought I was head over heels. He was very controlling and possessive, our relationship was angry, physical, afraid. We both had many issues. I put up with a lot and came back to him because I was so afraid no one would ever love me. He always told me he loved me. He praises me still. I didn’t want to face my new restraints on a sexuality I had only just realised I had. I sacrificed my own desires to be with him, but in time resented him for it, because the relationship was not what I had thought. Those were my own choices. I became extremely isolated and depressed. Not being in a good place myself, I did not deal with his anxieties or fears well at all. I fell pregnant, the hormones spiralled me lower; it was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. Part of my reason not to keep the baby was because I was not sure about him, at the same time, because he was supportive through it, we became closer.
Things got better. He has tried to change, I see it and I appreciate the effort. He has changed. He has many good qualities he doesn’t understand, and a courage he is not aware of. He has been very isolated, psychologically abused for years from a young age. I am very impressed by the man he is, in spite of his past. We work in potentiality. He says I need to appreciate that he wants to and has changed; in order for us to move forward I must let go of the past. I must make some sort of choice to let go but I don’t know how.
Is it the past that holds me back, is it a fear of commitment, is it my entrenched negative thought pattern that prevents me from appreciating the changes he strives for. Do I not appreciate him fully. Am I being unfair by dwelling on the past. Is my doubt warranted. Should I be more understanding of his emotional difficulties. Trauma is no easy feat. It takes perseverance. I believe in him, but I doubt our relationship, and if I convey those doubts, he will accuse me of turning my back on him.
I don’t feel I can convey exactly what troubles me, because it has been so long, for me to choose any one thing wouldn’t be fair to present, but altogether, they have chipped away at me but mixed with all the awful ways I have reacted that nothing is clear. I feel guarded. Comfortable because we have spent almost every day together since we met yet also painfully uncomfortable. I don’t know how to let go.
These are not just doubts. This is your inner self screaming for you to take care of yourself. There is no way to rationalise what you are experiencing into healthy relationship, as it hands down isn’t, I’m afraid. And what’s worrisome is how much of this is about him – what he’s been through, how proud you are of him, how he’s improved. Have you looked into codependency? There is very little here about what you’ve been through, your own traumatic childhood (whether you are consciously aware of it or not, there would have to be trauma of sorts to choose a relationship like this as an adult), how you’ve improved, there is just a worrisome lack of self-esteem. You can read our article on codependency (https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/great-codependency-hoax-codependent.htm) but I’d also highly suggest the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beatty. This kind of relationship is also incredibly addictive, the highs and lows of terror and then connection are like being on drugs. So it’s not surprising you feel completely unable to walk away. Support would be essential. Can you afford it? If not read our piece on low cost counselling. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/low-cost-therapy-free-counselling-services.htm. As for the liberated sex, there is liberated sex, and there is good sex that is actually a form of abuse and control in disguise. This seems like it is bordering on the latter.
I have just spent four very expensive and distressing months visiting a couples therapist with my husband. Every week I came out of there dreadfully upset and furious. We didn’t gain anything from the sessions and when I ended them due to a crisis which needed our attention which meant we would have no psychic energy to spare the therapist simply wouldn’t hear that we needed to stop and insisted on ‘keeping the sessions open’ as this would be a time of change which we could make use of.
I feel really troubled by the whole experience. Having spent years building up to going to therapy together I now feel utterly hopeless that any help is available and trapped in a marriage that I can’t end and can barely endure. The thought of going on like this for another twenty years is intolerable.
It seems so easy for articles such as this to say ‘talk to a therapist’, but there is no discussion regarding when this is destructive.
It’s an interesting perspective, thanks for sharing. It sounds like you are going through an awful lot and it’s unfortunate the therapy was not a click. One point here we’d add is that therapists are very varied, and human after all, so it can be some doing to find one that is right for you. We’d recommend our pieces, “How to Find a Good Therapist” https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/how-to-find-a-good-therapist.htm and also “I Hate My Therapist” “https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/i-hate-my-therapist.htm”.
I have been with my SO now for nearly 18 months. We met in America and she went on to work and live in Canada & France for the next 6 months whereas I went back home to the UK to finish university. We’re both English.
The start of the relationship was difficult because of, firstly, the massive distance between us geographically. Long distance relationships are obviously hard, but it was my trust issues that were causing problems – my anxieties would cause me to question whether or not she loved me. I saw counselors and therapists but eventually managed to subside my anxieties, a feat that I pride myself on for being able to get over.
Since getting over this hump, the relationship has been wonderful. We went back to America together last summer (we both work at a summer camp, that’s where we met), and she then started university (22 year old mature student – I am 23), where I continued at school doing a Masters degree.
It’s been perfect. She’s back in the country so the distance is not as drastic as before. I love her family, I get on with them all, and the same vise versa. We compliment each other. We motivate each other. We love each other very, very much and always communicate that.
So why, suddenly, have I started having doubts about whether or not this is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life, and doubts about whether or not I love her?
I know I love her. I know it because when I try to envisage the pros and cons of my life with her, there are no cons and millions of pros. She is the perfect person for me and I have never loved somebody the way I love her, so where have these doubts so suddenly and irrationally come from?
There has been no particular event that sparked this. No cheating, nothing changing in our relationship. I’ve recently spoken to her about these issues of mine and she’s been really upset by them because she can’t seem to see what she’s done to make me feel this way but I can’t give her an answer because I don’t know either.
I have doubts about my boyfriend keeping lots of secret from me. We always text each other because our relationship are long distance. But lately here always reply my text late and even make excuses that his network connection has a problem. I want to trust him but there this tiny doubt saying he has someone other than me. I try to confront him about it he said he only have me as his lover. Can I really trust him or it is just my own fear of loosing him? Please help me.
It sounds a tricky situation. Long distance relationships are very hard to maintain. Is there a reason why you don’t want to believe him when he says he only wants to have you as a lover? It seems he is setting a clear boundary over trying to trick you or lie to you?
For starters, wonderful you reached out for help already! It shows you are truly a healthy person who wants the best for yourself. Have you talked to your counsellor about this? It’s tricky to offer answers without knowing more details, as relationships are intricate, and we don’t know anything about your partner, just your brief perspective here. Interesting things here are the terms ‘the perfect person’. And the idea that your relationship is only all good. Most relationships have downs, and conflict is actually a healthy part of a relationship. It is interesting that your partner worries about ‘what she has done to make you feel that way’ instead of just allowing you to feel what you feel. Do you feel you can not always be perfectly “positive” in this relationship? Can you be all of yourself, sad, uncertain, doubting, grumpy, and still be accepted as is? And do you accept all such things in your partner? Or is there a real striving here to match an ideal that might not even be good for anyone involved? Interesting questions to ask.
Hi
I have a boyfriend.and 10 months complete our relationship.and we are decided to marry in 2020.we also talk with our family.n they r also ready.but in both of us one issue..my nature is jolly n have lots of frnds.n I like to live my life with freedom.but he not like this.he always have doubt about me.he say to me..don’t talk with boys who on your whtsapp life.always restraction always.i hurt by this stupid things.i said him always.i love him till the end of my life.but he have little doubts in his mind.and he is really good n loyal person for me..always..but this things give me stress what can I do..plzz expln me..and coming 4th July his bdy..he yesterday again hi argue with me..what can I do..
It sounds hard. 10 months is not actually a long time, it’s barely enough time to really get to know someone. It seems awfully fast to have already decided to get married. Is it possible to slow things down? The questions to ask are, is he doubting you? Or is he trying to control you? Do you have enough freedom to be yourself? Are his doubts just words, or is he trying to tell you what you can and can’t do? If it’s just words, and it’s his insecurity, then he has a problem he has to deal with and there’s nothing you can do about it but gently let him know he has to take care of his low self-esteem. If he is literally telling you you can’t use Whatssapp or be with your friends, that is a lot more worrisome as it’s control and it’s often control that is the beginning of emotionally abusive relationships.
Thank you for writing this. My partner and I were planning a wedding. When he had the ring in his hand he said he had doubts and could not move forward. We spent two days talking through his doubts and it was very hard for me to watch him spiral down. After dealing with these doubts for two days, he got into his car and left without notice, driving from VA to Canada. He called me as he was driving away and said he couldn’t do this. It wasn’t real and his feelings for me were not real. Why would he have doubts if this were real?
This article helped to reinforce my beliefs on why he had doubts. I believe that he is dealing with feelings of unworthiness and fears from past relationships. As for me, I am still very much in love and giving him the space that he asked for. On the way to Canada he talked to his ex and she told him that they could be friends as long as he no longer had contact with me. Once he arrived in Canada, he asked that I no longer contact him.
Giving him space is the best way I can love him. I hope that he takes the time to reflect on his life. I am certainly doing a lot of that myself. He is a wonderful man who deserves to be happy and in a healthy relationship. The same as I am a wonderful woman and deserves to be in a happy and healthy relationship. If we are able to get through this, there is doubt in my mind that we will be better for this experience. Thank you for your article.
Gosh, that certainly must have been a shock. Yes, it sounds like he has issues, and also like he has unresolved ties with the ex. It’s wonderful that you are being open hearted and kind, but it’s also important to process any hurt or anger, too, even if it’s just shutting the door and punching it out on a pillow. And then does the ‘break’ have a deadline? Refusing any contact for a determined period is one thing, but leaving someone hanging and expecting them to be available as and when is another.Good self care can mean making sure we have enough personal boundaries in place we are not slipping into codependency. We do truly agree that you deserve to be in a happy and healthy relationship, which means it would have to be with someone else who was actually ready for one. While you can’t make someone else ready, you can do everything in your power to make sure you are. So if this is not just a one off, but there is at all a pattern of attracting unavailable men with exes still in their lives, and if this is at all something you might have learned as child, that you must love someone who is not able to love, then it’s worth taking the time to work through things. Just things to consider, as again, we don’t know the whole story, only what you’ve presented here, and only you know what is right for you. We wish you courage and hope it all works out for the best!
My new girl has been telling me that she is doubtful of my love to her basing on my past relationship i told her about, she even broke with me once and she resumed a day later. this recent, she is being so critical to me basing on my very past relationship, and still she expects me to clear her doubts on me. I really want her for life and i have been sincerest to her. I do not really know how i should help her loving me. Somebody help me !!!
Perhaps you are asking the wrong questions here Josephat. Perhaps the questions should be more about, what is my definition of love? What kind of love and care do I think I deserve? What about this relationship reflects what I was taught about love from my parents/caregivers? Is what I think about love true, or something I’ve learned? And if you discover perhaps your self-esteem is not as high as it could be, or you have limiting ideas about how loveable you are, do consider seeking a counsellor to talk about it.
I’ve been having doubts about me and my boyfriend. I love and care about him so much but I have anxiety and low self esteem which facilitates my doubts. I feel guilt about having doubts because I don’t know what they mean or what is best. When it comes to decision making I often chose the decision with immediate reward even if there are terrible consequences. I’ve made a lot of bad decisions and have hurt him as a consequence. I feel guilty for this everyday. I want to do the moral thing but I’m weak with my thoughts and insecurities. How do I know what’s right and move forward from the past? How do I learn to make the right decision instead of picking the solution that fits me in the present?
Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you’ve set up your world into ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. What if there was no exact right and wrong? If it was okay to make ‘mistakes’? If in fact the only way to learn is to try things and see if they work? Really, the only way we move forward in life and grow as humans and learn how to have good relationships is by trying things. Nobody is perfect. Nor is any relationship or other person perfect. And it’s impossible to please others all the time (and not even healthy). What it really seems like, as you say when you mention your esteem levels, is the person you doubt is yourself. Perhaps you even grew up in an environment where you were critiqued all the time, and now you continue the pattern by beating yourself up constantly. If you were up for giving it a go, a counsellor or therapist could definitely help you with the cycle of self-doubt and low esteem, which might help your relationship breathe.
Hi
I have boyfriend now and we are still new,like we still getting to know each other.
Im just upset because his always telling me that im cheating with him,every time he heard a got a call or msg and if I didn’t show him a lot he have always doubts that im cheating with him.I really like him but I dont know how to stop him doubting me,because im loyal with him.pls help I dont want to lose him either!
Hi,
It was a very useful article, thank you so much for sharing it.
I was dating a guy for 3 months and we were going forward. Till he told me he loved me and he wants us to be serious like boyfriend/ girlfriend. But 1 day later we had a small fight and he left and broke up.
I learned from Tatkin work that he has insecure attachment problems as I do. He is an island and I’m a wave. We are in contact I was suggesting to reconciliate and move on and he says he has doubts about the whole relationship and commitment. He doesn’t know if he wants the relashionship. I’m confused and wating and don’t know how to resolve this.
kind regards,
Atieh
Hello, thank you for sharing. Your boyfriend is showing very controlling behaviour. What in you feels that this is love, and that you must hold onto this relationship at all costs?
It sounds very hard, Atieh. At the end of the day, you can’t resolve it for him. If he does not want the relationship you have to accept his choice, otherwise you are not taking care of yourself and even abusing yourself, waiting for the love of someone who is not able to be loving and secure for you. If after three months it is already like this, abandoning you just as you feel it’s love, what next? You can’t make someone else do or feel something, no matter how much you love them. Do what you can to take good care of yourself and put your focus on yourself and your life and not on him and waiting for him. Do what you can to deeply value yourself here. Ask good questions like, what in me thinks this is love? Where did I learn that I must love someone who is not sure about me or who abandons me easily? Is this really love? What might a secure, healthy love look like? Do I take my time getting to know somoene in love, how might I date others in ways that are more secure and less intense? And if you know you have insecure attachment, it’s a good idea to seek therapy. Until you work out your own issues then this might be a pattern that repeats in your life. We wish you courage.
hi. there is this girl that i like and had been courting for some time. i was making progress until a friend of hers, which is a boy, starts getting closer to her. at first, i understood her because she’s just a ‘friend’. but as time progresses, they became closer. i was starting to get jealous and started doubting if she has a thing(of course, i didn’t ask her that). and when i had enough, i told her that i am getting jealous of him getting closer to her. she said that he is just a ‘friend’. so, ok.. i told her i trust her. but there is still these doubts in my head about that guy.. she began to notice that i was going too far sometimes with my actions, and little did i notice, she began to distance herself with me.. so i doubted more… as time pass by, there is this doubt feeling of talking to her. i sometimes feel nothing when im with her, and this became a turning point with our relationship, from good to worse.. and up until now, she is closer than ever with the guy and i seldom talk to her, doubting that she’d get bored to me and leave my side. but i still miss her, you know.. but the doubt is overwhelming.. tell me, where did i go wrong and how can i regain the trust i had to her now that im jealous?
Hi John. Look, relationships are tricky. And you are young. So there will be learning curves, things that don’t go the way you want to them. Here’s the thing – and it’s perhaps one of the best lessons you can learn when it comes to relationships – you can’t control other people. You can’t control who they like, you can’t make them want to be with you or like you. The only person you can control is yourself. So the best thing would be to take your attention off her and just spend time understanding yourself. What makes you jealous? Is it because you choose relationships where there is no real trust? Do you have trust issues? Do you tend to chase women who are nice to you or not? Do you have issues with control? Or low self-esteem? What could you do to raise your self-esteem? In summary, trying to hyper focus on changing what has already happened will not change anything, and tends to drive people away. Working on yourself, and learning who you really are, what you really like, what makes you feel good, and doing those activities that make you feel good, investing in yourself and your future, that is what attracts other people.Finally, it sounds like there are real communication issues going on here. Another thing to research and learn might be honest communication. It is essential to having healthy relationships.
I was in a relationship for 9 years with a guy (from 19 yrs old). We broke up two years ago, I found it very difficult as I felt I still loved him very much but we did not want the same things. After a year I felt like I was healing. I am now 9 months into a new relationship and all was going well until I semi moved in with him. He is so, so good to me. Understanding, caring and honest. I am now starting to think about my ex and compare this relationship to my last, in terms of the connection. I can’t get negative thoughts out of my head such as “you don’t feel the same this time” etc. I definitely feel this time around is less passionate, but it also feels more real, safer and I feel more wanted. I am afraid these thoughts are real – or else they aren’t but will cause me to ruin things
Thoughts are just thoughts. They are not ‘real’ or ‘not real’. They only become relevant if we act on them. Of course if they are making us feel haunted or unhappy then it can be important to take a look at why. It could be several things. It could be that you have a personality where you always overthink and romanticise, so that things are always ‘grass is greener’. Notice if you have done this kind of pattern elsewhere. Do you always worry you made the wrong choice with things like jobs and school and then romanticise the past? If you feel very haunted it might be an idea to do a round of CBT therapy. It’s a short form of talk therapy that helps you get control of your thoughts before they spiral into sabotaging action. Good luck!
I’ve been with my mate for 13 years and in 2007 we jointly purchased a home. He says he loves me, but refuses to get married. He’s promised we’d get married at such-and-such a time four times and backed out of all four. If he loves me, why won’t he marry me? I’ve asked him that question multiple times and all I get is “I don’t know” which I think is a complete lie. But what really makes me doubt the love he professes to have for me is this:
*I stipulated that since I put my whole life in his hands, leaving everything I had to be with him, I would not live with him without some security and he agreed. Eight months after moving into our house, he finally bought a life insurance policy only when I pushed for it. I reciprocated by purchasing the same thing for him. Fast-forward two years…..I discovered that I was NOT the beneficiary on his policy….his daughters were. For two years I was totally unprotected and had something happened to him, I would have been homeless and broke. Would he have put a woman he loved at risk like that? I think not. The policy was a ten-year-term life and is no longer in force…..I don’t understand why he chose term instead of whole life? He’s made no effort to purchase a new policy, which I perceive as another sign that he doesn’t love me. I’m financially dependent on him at this point. I have no family to help me. He refuses to share his financial status with me….I’ve no clue about it.
His current position regarding marriage is that he promised (yeah, right) we will get married after he retires, which will be December of 2018. He doesn’t want us to be engaged and he never talks about marriage and I’ve not seen any indication that he’s preparing for it. Meaningful conversations are absent….God knows I’ve tried, but you can’t have a serious conversation when you’re the only one that will talk.
If I were to offer a woman in a similar situation advice, I’d tell her to hit the road and not look back. But he has many good points and is good to me with the exception of wreaking havoc with my emotions. Currently I’m an emotional basket case….he says he loves me, but his non-actions say otherwise. Backing out and breaking promises seem to support that he doesn’t love me. I have nowhere to go, but can’t handle these emotional beatings. I’m a mess and contemplate suicide every single day. You know what thoughts help me fall asleep each night? Committing suicide. It’s quite a comforting thought for me.
HE refuses to tell me WHY he won’t marry me. WHY, WHY, WHY!!!! Why does he keep jerking me around like this?? WHY won’t he tell me WHY? I’ve told him that the truth hurts less than a lie.
There’s more, but I’ve upset myself by laying all f this out….no doubt your eyes are crossing by now.
Ann, here’s the thing here. What we get is a woman who is very angry, very frustrated, and, actually, very, very sad and lonely. There seem to be glimmers of core beliefs around self-worth and self-love, like perhaps “I am not loveable” and “I am never good enough”. When we have these deep core beliefs, we tend to push others to prove them to us, without even realising our own actions are encouraging others to prove our beliefs are right. This can look like bullying or pushing a partner or trying to control a relationship, all done with the best of intentions because all we really want is to be loved for who we are. But our very actions push people further and further away and we become more and more lonely. We would suggest that these issues are far deeper than anything to do with getting married or staying or leaving in a relationship and might go right back to a childhood that you never felt enough in. We would strongly suggest you seek help here. Threatening suicide is no joke, it means you need to seek support. Because you are enough, and you are loveable, and you likely love this man very much but have lost your connection with how to show it. If you are on a low budget, please read our piece on how to find low cost counselling herehttp://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy and if you need it don’t be afraid to call a helpline http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy.
Hi!
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 1 year and 3 months. Everything is going fine, they are little arguments but he never raised his voice on me.. he just laughs and shoves it off… he’s vary handsome and attractive. Many girls try on him, but he seem to not care, at least that’s what looks like in front of me. But I have this feeling that he might be just staying with me because I love him truly and I never asked anything else than his love and attention. No materialise things or money. But I always told him that I would never have sex before marriage and he agreed and then asked me out.. I just feel like maybe he’s having fun with other girls. But I never found out anything.. it’s judt my mind saying all this. I need your help on this issue.. maybe I feel like I’m not good enough but sometimes I feel like my love is too much for a person like him. But he always respects me and treats me right. I don’t know what to do or think of. I really need to clear up my mind..
Hi Keshana, it sounds a case of low self-confidence and not the relationship. What experiences in your life made you feel like you weren’t good enough? How far back do they go? Right to childhood? If they are big traumas that might be causing your lack of confidence it’s worth speaking to a counsellor about. You also have a habit of negative thinking, and overthinking, as well as assuming the worst. If you’d like to try a short-term therapy that focuses on helping you change your anxious thinking patterns cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) would be a good bet. Hope that helps.
I came across your blog in search for a little help. My wonderful man and I have been in a relationship for almost a year, when he started doubting. Before him I only had one long relationship which ended when i found out he cheated on me. It has been a trauma for me to experience such heartbreak and took me a long time to come out of the misery. Years later, after dating a few guys (but didn’t work out), a mutual friend set us (my man and I) up on a date. When we met, it was immediately love at first sight and we connected instantly. Trusting him for 200% and loving him endlessly. So much, that i knew soon that he is the one (we talked about that a lot, he felt the same). Months ago he moved abroad for a job and is only back in the weekends. He would return after serving a few years abroad, so we could built a life together (marry, starting a family etc). We had our fights about ‘what would happen if i get the best job ever abroad after 3 years’, or because of certain activities like being obsessed with working out for example. I have said things in rage, unconscious about it, that would make his self confidence drop. Now he seemed to have much doubts going on in his head, about his future, what he wants to do in the end, being succesful, he doubts if we are compatible, he even doubts what love is and what he feels, and asked for time to think. I have told him in a good conversation on the phone, that it has been my fault to make him doubt, and that he is the love of my life, and that he will be my love forever. That i will give him all the space he needs, to become what he wants to be in life.
I would like to know what more i can do to make him stay with me. To make him leave his doubts behind. For me he is the one, and for as long as we’ve been together (untill recently) he felt the same.
Hi there.. I need to find I been with this lady for 3 months now..One of her friends turned around and said that we basically living together cause we with each other day never apart after work.. I got defensive about it when the friend said that now my girlfriend wants to have space and clear her head about things she felt its not an issue for her at all about the livjng together but she feels i made it sound like an issue.. So I look deeper into this for a break up or should I just give the space she needs to clear her head.. I just felt me and her would of had the right time to talk about the living together..please help
Hi there Nina, thanks for sharing this. There are several red flags we see here. For example, ‘love at first sight trusting him 200%”, “I knew soon he is the one”. Red flags in that this is not how healthy relationships are actually built. Life is not the movies or like romance books. Trust is something that grows between two people when we take the time to slowly get to know them while not forgetting to take care of ourselves and keep good boundaries. Our next red flag is that he is not even in the same country. Do you really know this man? Finally, there is a real sense here of over focus on making him happy, and feeling all things are your fault, even when from what it seems he is hardly even there for you at all or at all taking responsibility for what is happening between you. We’d advise you do some research on codependency and healthy relationships. How about becoming what YOU want to be in life, and putting all this energy on taking care of yourself? Hope that helps.
Hi Nik thanks for sharing. We can’t tell you how to make such a big decision in a comment box, we also don’t know you and her. But what we can see is that a small situation has become a black/white big deal, when it needn’t be. Is this something that is a pattern in your life? Do you see any sort of disagreement or upset as a leave/stay situation or as black/white? There feels a lot of intensity not only in the way the relationship has progressed but also the way you are thinking about it. If this sort of intensity and thinking, which is called ‘cognitive distortions’ in psychology (https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/cognitive-distortions.htm) something you often experience? Do you always just headfirst into relationships and are they always full on then fall apart? If so, we’d suggest reaching out for some support. A counsellor or therapist can help you get to the root of this over intense way of acting and thinking so that you can learn to have healthy relationships with good boundaries. Good luck.
First thank you for writing this article and for the time you have taken to answer everyone’s individual responses and questions. That is what gave me the courage to seek advice and share my story. I am currently engaged to a man that I have been with for three years. Through out the majority of the realitionshiop I have had major doubts for several reasons: one he identifies as being Muslim and I identify as being Christian, another reason is during our first 8 months of dating I caught him texting inappropriately to another woman, and I broke up with him. While we were a part because of the inappropriate texting he was having with another woman he had sex with someone else and unknowingly contracted an STD. I say he unknowingly knew he had a STD because he didn’t find out until after we got back together and I went to have my physical from a doctor and found out I had a STD and I knew it was from him because he was the only person I had been intimate with, plus he didn’t deny it. The timing of me being informed that I had contracted a STD from him was horrible because we were talking about getting married. Because of finding out that I had been betrayed by him like that I broke up with him again for several days and then it was my birthday and we got back together. And the following month he proposed in front of my family and friends at my graduation. Now, we are engaged and I’m questioning should even be getting married? I know he loves me dearly and would anything for me, he has changed in many ways and has shown remorse for the betrayal he has caused me. Other doubts stem from my parents not being supportive because of our differences in spirituality and their doubts that he can provide financial security. I have been seeking professional help as this weighs heavy on my heart and is a big commitment. Thank you in advance for your advice and recommendations on whether or not this is a relationship that should be continued.
I don’t see my comment.
Hi Jada, as we are sure your therapist will tell you (you mention you are seeking help) nobody else can make this decision for you. It’s your life. There is not really a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in life, there are just ways of learning. Some of us like to learn things easily, others of us prefer to learn things in hard ways, perhaps. What’s interesting about this is the public proposal part. That surely must have made you feel very pressured. If that never happened, if the proposal was in private between just you and him, would it make you feel differently? Otherwise, keep asking yourself good questions. What is it that you want from a marriage? What do you want to feel around a partner? Excited, or safe? Able to trust, or passion? You might also find it useful to use your imagination and try different perspectives. What would your eighty year old self feel about all this? What would your five year old self tell you, are you living up to her dreams? Who do you most admire, fictional, historical or in real life (for example, Ghandi, Madonna, it can be anyone) and what response would they give you about this?
Hi Jana, we monitor comments as we get many inappropriate ones and must protect our readers. And we are not actually a helpline, just a blog. If you need instant help please call a mental health line. You will find more about free mental health lines in the UK here bit.ly/mentalhelplines
Thank you for your information on here. I am in a new relationship and he has said to me “I have no doubt about your feelings, intentions or convictions… I doubt that I deserve your attention”. He has said that he doesn’t think that he deserves to be happy because he hasn’t his whole life. But this relationship has opened his eyes to the fact that he could possibly be happy. How do i handle/ help him realize that he can and deserves to be happy?
Hi Colleen, the hard truth here is that we cannot make anyone else realise they deserve to be happy. They have to decide that for themselves. The only person we can truly change is ourselves. Is this the first time you’ve attracted someone with no confidence? Do you often take care of other people and get involved in codependent relationships? Where does this pattern come from, is it something you learned in childhood? These are things to consider. In a healthy relationship, we don’t have to ‘handle’ anyone. We focus on being ourselves, communicating our needs clearly and without blame, and then we let the other take care of him or herself. You might find our free guide to healthy relationships a good read https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/healthy-relationships-help-guide.htm
One of the best articles I’ve read scouring the internet in recent weeks.
My situation is that I had some insecurity issues after just 5 dates with a girl. Things were gong great while moving really fast and I really like this girl a lot. She went overseas. I voiced I was feeling insecure as I wanted to be honest and thought best to communicate in the hope I could let things go. I didn’t accuse her of anything terrible but thought she cold have been more sensitive and supportive. She was however under a lot of unrelenting stress while away and it all became too much. She went cold and ended it. I gave it my everything to want to work on it to no avail. I was heart broken completely. I was thinking this could be the one which I never have felt before. I beat myself up and was angry that my abused childhood had impacted what I believed was potentially a great relationship. Insecurity and abandonment issues. I was completely sad. I starting seeing a physiologist right away recognising that I needed to do something about my self esteem. I began to recognise other things about myself and that I hadn’t put myself as an equal in the relationship. Though that’s my responsibility. I realised that she was also responsible for the break down. She has a lot of issue herself. Then after a few weeks of a lot of reflection, reading, crying and trying to heal and work on myself she MSG’d me. I’m very open.. too open in fact that I say everything that comes into my mind and she is much more closed. She opened up a bit and apologised. Seemed to say everything other than she was wanting to try again that actually say it. I responded and said sorry for my part too and we communicated a small amount of understanding of the event while trying to be compassionate of the other. I know it took a lot for her to do that so good for her. We both have a lot of issues. I can see that both of us are trying really hard here.. and it was only 5 dates! Its ridiculous! There is still some hurt there but mostly subsided. I thought that she is not going to be able to bring herself say anything so I MSG and agreed to go on date and see what happens. Naturally, I then had holiday booked from a long time ago. Worst timing ever! Now we agreed to a date when I’m back. I’m going away in 2 days for a week. As each goes by I’m begging to feel less like the effort. Realising also that I wasn’t present and seeing that a lot of stuff was getting put on me I get a bit angry. Angry I guess that I allowed it to happen and didn’t recognise it. I’m having doubts! Would anyone be surprised? However, when I take everything out of the picture and ask myself the simple question. Do I like this girl. The answer is yes. It feels like the likely hood of success it highly doubtful. My objective is to keeps dates very light and casual see if there was truly a spark there or not. If not I’ve learned from the experience though this will only feel that way in future months. I’m glad that I have put myself out there though regardless and it’s triggered me to work on myself for future possibilities.
Hi Buck, thanks for all this sharing. It definitely sounds like you’ve been triggered. When we have an anxious attachment from childhood (if you don’t know about attachment theory you might find it interesting), meeting someone we think we could love sends us spinning into a sea of anxious overthinking. Which is what seems to be happening here, there is perhaps even an addictive element here. But you are aware of it. As you say, it’s only been 5 dates. The truth is you don’t know her yet. It takes time to know someone. A lot of time, certainly more than 5 dates. So yes, slow down, keep it light. But most of all don’t lose yourself to this. Don’t let this ruin your holiday. Mindfulness is a great tool here. It helps you stay in the present moment instead of constantly caught up in your thoughts. We’re really glad that you reached out for support. That’s wonderful. As you say, at the very most you’ve realised things about yourself and that it’s time to work on your self esteem. Remember, there is nobody out there who can ‘save’ you or make your life better except the person looking back at you in the mirror…. we wish you courage!
Hi!
Thank you for this article, its been really helpful.
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about six months now, we’ve been friends for a year and half before. We get along really well and have similar interests and goals. A month into our relationship, he told me he had something to tell me, he said he’d had same sex attractions since his teenage, he said its been something he’s struggled with, he’s even seeking therapy to sort his feelings out. He wasn’t really sure of his sexuality, he said he has greater sense of attraction to men and that he was amazed that he was so attracted to me. I obviously was not expecting this and told him that I would need some time to think about this relationship now. After taking my time, I found out that sexuality isn’t black or white, that we choose who we love but we can’t fake attraction. I chose to be in a relationship with hi and its been wonderful. Except for my anxiety, I find myself being very protective and possessive. Sometimes I find myself having thoughts of anger , betrayal when I see my boyfriend having more fun with others (especially if its a guy). I don’t want him to feel controlled by me but I don’t want to have to suffer by my feelings either. I do love him, and I would really like for this to work, I am scared I might be sabotaging my relationship by overthinking!
Thank you for the help:)
Hi Sally, you are right, sexuality is rarely black and white, much as we might wish it was. And it’s wonderful that your partner placed enough confidence and trust in you to share this. That said, you are human, too. You might have to work through your own emotions around this. It’s important that you keep the channels of communication open over this, and that when you do communicate you use good communication skills, i.e., keep blame out of it (including not blaming yourself!). Aside from that, you will need to work through your own feelings yourself, which we can see you are keen to do as you posting on here. Journalling is helpful, see our article on powerful ways to use it http://bit.ly/journalmentalhealth. We’d also say it’s worth journalling about whether this experience is triggering other, past or childhood experiences. Have you had jealousy issues before? Is this problem with being possessive as new as you want to think it is? Was there any sense of competition or needing to earn love as a child? If you suspect this might have a deeper root than just this relationship, do consider some counselling. Often it’s not our present that has us sabotaging, but the residues of unresolved past issues that can control our behaviour and responses in powerful ways. We hope it works out, it sounds like you are on the right track!
Well if you really are that fortunate to have that special person to share your life with, then that makes the relationship very wonderful. Being single and alone all the time is very unhealthy and can be depressing as well. That is why married people have all the advantages and so very much to be thankful for as well.
Hi Mike, there’s nothing at all unhealthy about being single and alone, many people are very healthy and happy that way. They aren’t alone as they have relationships with friends, family, colleagues. Mental health wise, all relationships can give us what we need to be healthy, not just ‘marriage’. In fact we’d say better to be single than choose an unhealthy relationship that will deteriorate your sense of self! Married people have no advantage. All humans are equal, and free to find happiness in the way that best suits them.
I am in a love triangle with both pushing to move in with me. I love them both for different reasons but don’t know which way to turn. I have doubts about both but feel that I have to choose one or give up both of them. I am finding this stressful and am anxious about making a decision. I have finished with both of them previously but we always drift back together. I have lived with one so know what he is to like to live with. The other is an unknown entity. Previously, before meeting these two men I had lived an independent life, doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. I have always had one man relationships previously and realise that this is my fault as I have allowed this to happen.
Hi Michele, it sounds like a heck of a lot of drama. Did you know that drama is addictive? It helps us avoid facing ourselves, our emotional pains, our past experiences we don’t want to deal with. And it’s a perfect way to block real intimacy, where we have to show up flaws and all.
Hi! Last August I fall in love with a guy when I was on vacation in another city. Then I have decided to move to his city and live together. That time he had been living with his friend (the guy I moved to didn’t have hic own appartement). When I moved in, he suddenly stopped being all that carefull and attentive. He went alone to parties and never took me with him. Was kind a rude to me, we had problems in bed. But I believed that it is finally “it” that I didn’t want to break this relationship. I thought that I loved him a lot, that love can manage this. But all these three months I was spending a lot of time with his friend cause my BF was always awy and I didn’t like to be around his arrogant friends. I was so attracted to him and vice a versa. He was so nice to me, cared about me, we had a lot of fun together, I could (and still can) share all my thoghts with him, that I have never told any of my boyfriends. In two month I asked my bf if he wants to be in this relationship, he said it became to be so difficult and he is not ready for this , for commitment. So we broke up with guy who I moved to. And his friend told me that he likes me very much. I said that I like him a lot too. We have decided to be together and to have a distance relationship for a while (because before he said me that he likes me I have decided to move back to my city as I didn’t have my own place to live and I didn’t like my job in new city). So I came back and me and and my BF talked every day for 5-6 hours in the evening, there were the most amazing talks that I have ever had. Then he visited me on New Year vacation. We had amazing two weeks together I didn’t want him to leave. But he left and we have decided that I will come to his place in 2-3 month. We missed each other so much that one day he said that he wants me to come to his place in 2 weeks. I felt so delighted and scared at the same time. I said “yes” and After that when I was about to go sleep had a one little thought: “what if I come and will feel nothig to him as my previouse BF did to me”. And I started panicing, I even strated to think maybe I don’t want it, I was so scared. I told him and he said maybe I have decided to do this only because I feel guilty that he spent so much time and money. I started to think maybe his is right. I felt anxiety so hard. But I still came to his place, he is wonderful, I love him a lot, but I still feel so much scared and anxiety, I am so afraid to hurt him, I am afraid of my guilt (wht if I did this only becuase of guilt). We have so much fun with him, he behaves with me as no one ever did. I am so afraid to lose him because of my stupid thoughts. I hate myself for doubting and for fear. I just want to live in calm and build a strong happy family. But the voice inside says: maybe u are just so afraid to be along and u are insincere. And he deserves someone who loves him a lot and never doubts. I love him, but what of if my love is not true, what if I did this only because of fear, what if I lie to myself. And now the more nice he with me the more irritable I become. Please help me, I don’t want to lose him (and voices in my head say me that i only lie to myself). I sometimes think that I am too egoistic to be with such a nice person as he is. I am afraid that I lie to myself and while thinking it I am simply stealing his time. I want all best for him and don’t want to lose him. Please help me with advice
Hi Kate, we are sorry you are so anxious and upset. Our best piece of advice here would be to spend some time learning about what love really is, and about healthy relationships. It sounds like you have fallen for a fantasy, and mistake love for what you see in films and on TV. When really that is nothing to do with what true love is, unfortunately. Rushing off to live with him when you didn’t really know him was actually quite a risk. Love is based on knowing someone properly, and on shared experiences. If you use our search bar you’ll find articles on rushing into relationships, authentic relating, all sorts… spend some hours reading. You might also find our free Guide to Relationships useful. http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide We’d say this second relationship sounds more based on actually knowing someone, but phone calls that are up to 6 hours is far from healthy. Also read about codependency https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/great-codependency-hoax-codependent.htm Because it sounds like you depend on relationships for a sense of self, instead of having a stable core within. In summary, we’d say you are worrying about the wrong thing. We’d worry more about figuring out who you are outside of relationships and raising your self-esteem over whether this is the love of your life. Because until we are stable within, we can’t really have a stable relationship with someone else. We think you’d also benefit from reading about anxious attachment which could explain why you are panicking http://bit.ly/anxiousattachment In summary, we’d say there seems to be far more issues here than whether this is love and that if you could afford it, consider counselling. You can do it over Skype these days from any country.
Hi, I’ve been with my bf for 2.5 years. We are both divorced I’m 38 he is 52. I love him with a depth previously unknown to me. My ex was narcissistic and abusive and i was relieved to leave the marriage. 4 months into my relationship with my bf I went to Caribbean with my single female cousin. I added a beefcake of a guy on Facebook who worked at the resort and had offered to take us snorkeling as he fancied my cousin. My bf was not pleased and messaged me there and then so I reassured him it was so we could arrange the snorkel trip in messenger. When I returned we went out for the day and at the end of the day he told me he had met an old ‘friend’ whilst i was on holiday who he had dated briefly, as her daughter was playing a gig. He said she told him about it on facebook and he decided to go as he was bored I was really peed off that he did that and we rowed. He told me then he loved me for the first time. I told him my girl pal had seduced me and we had kissed but nothing more. He was fine about that. Now we are deeply in love despite the silly behaviour early on. We are buying a house together and talking marriage. But over the last few days I’m doubting him because of the time he hooked up with an old bag behind my back when I was on holiday. I’m also worried he might be making flirty comments on YouTube as his feed shows women in bikinis prancing about etc . Don’t know why I’m stressing about this. Grateful for any advice!!
Hi Jena, you say you are deeply in love. Then why can’t you talk directly to him about this? Real love means you can be open with each other. And can talk about things using healthy communication, where you don’t attack or blame but just talk. If this is an issue, if you think you are ‘in love’ but don’t even have clear communication, we’d suggest couples counselling before considering marriage. Good luck.
I am Prottay.I am 19 years old.I have a relationship with a girl aged 16.We have completed 2 years of our relationship.We are very loyal to each other.But nowadays she have seen some bad dreams like we wouldn’t me together in future.So she feels that it will be hampered me when really we have to be separated for anyhow conditions.She loves me so much and for this she always thought about that she might be perfect for me or not.If not what would happen.Though she loves me so much but for those thinking nowadays she has wanted to leave me.She always tells that if she would be no more in my life I would be so better.
But I know she loved me so much and without me she would be nothing but a emotionless woman.Now what should I have to do ? Please suggest me.
Hello Prottay. You are both very young. It’s absolutely normal to be uncertain of the future or to feel very in love and then not be sure. At this age you are both still learning who you are and what you want. You can’t force her to stay if she doesn’t want to, she is free to do what is right for her. Focus on what makes you happy, on moving towards a future that fulfils you, whether you are together or not. When we are young we can think that love means we can’t live without each other, but healthy relationships mean we are actually both happy within ourselves and then simply enjoy each others company. Good luck.
Hello, I came across your article trying to search for ways to fend off negative thoughts of self worth. I have been with my current partner for almost 2 years but we have constant arguments due to my doubts and insecurities. I love him immensely, more than I thought I was capable of loving someone, but I become extremely anxious about loving him “too much” and not being deserving of his love in return. I feel guilty for him being with me when I am such a mess and I struggle constantly between leaving him so he can be free of me and selfishly keeping him close to me even though I know I am no good. I have never wanted a family until I met him and I want nothing more than spend the rest of my life with this wonderful man who I know I am not deserving of. We used to talk about the future and plans, but due to all these arguments those talks are not longer happening, I know I am pushing him away and I am lost about what to do.
Hi Susana, that sounds like crucially low self-esteem based on very negative core beliefs. This level of low self worth would not just be out of nowhere but would be linked to childhood experiences. We’d highly suggest you seek professional support over this. Not just because we are a therapy company, but because this level of low self esteem, where you are sabotaging what you want, has deep roots and can be hard to navigate alone. It’s not something you can ‘fend off’. It’s more a sign there are things that sorely need facing, processing. That you need to stop running from old emotions and find the courage to commit to a path of healing. Of course do start with self help too, there are many good books out there. Look into things like breaking through core beliefs, and learning self compassion. All the best.
Hi,
I am a bit confused and I need some advice on what to do. I had a friend with benefits and we were doing really great, but at some point we stopped seeing each other and talking to each other, and a few months later I started dating this guy, who is amazing, and kind, we are together only a month now, and I like him a lot, I think that for the long run he could be awesome partner and I appreciate everything he does for me, but I have feelings for my ,,friend with benefits”. I saw him this weekend at the club so we talked a lot and he has feelings for me as well. I think it was more than just sex with us, but we were both scared to admit it at that time. I don’t know what is the right thing to do. It’s really confusing, those feelings and stuff.
Hi Yoana, it does sound confusing. We would say it’s time to ask yourself some good questions. What is it you think these relationships are going to give you? How fast are you rushing into these relationships? Do you know these men? Do you know yourself? Often when we talk to clients with these kinds of dramas it turns out to be that they are seeking a sense of worth or some kind of meaning in life in the guise of ‘love’. But that’s not only not at all what love is, it’s not something we can find in others, but something we have to grow inside ourselves. We’d say read our guide to healthy relationships here http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide
Hi everyone, last week my husband has presented me with divorce papers, It was the greatest shock of my life. I almost lost my life to alcohol… I lost my job, I got sick and was admitted into the hospital emergency ward, Two days later when I opened my eyes I saw my mom and my husband beside me holding my hands, I was shocked again and confused to see my husband.
My best friend has changed has blocked me and won’t see me anymore. I still love my husband so very much. He wants me back, now I do not even know if I want him anymore. He hurt me!!!
Hi Kesha, sounds tough. But relationships are tough. We hurt each other despite best intentions. We don’t know you or your husband, but it sounds like you have been through a lot together, and probably both sides have suffered. We would suggest that if you are not sure if you should or shouldn’t be together you consider a few sessions of couples counselling. A couples therapist doesn’t tell you what to do, they just help you communicate in useful instead of destructive ways and together find the way forward that works for you. Good luck!
Hi Harley
I met my husband on 2013 we dated but our relationship wasn’t easy because of his landlord s daughter and He wanted to control me like who to drink with he didn’t like an of my friends I ended trying to dump him and I went back to my prev bf but after some time hubby nd I rekindled then I confessed that I had been with my ex bf in the past few days after that he started cheating non stop and hurt me in many ways after that I decided to leave him again he didn’t care until he got to know I was going to get married he came back to me crying and begging for forgiveness I forgave him then I our relationship was the best until he started controlling me I gave inn I left my friends and moved in with him then i was blessed with the most beautiful daughter during my pregnancy he went back to his old ways and He used to sleep out sometimes for 1week I stopped asking him anything I don’t even call him and wherever he go he sleeps with prostitutes last month I got to know he even look for other guy’s who want to make out with other guy’s and now he has very forward friends I told him I know he is gay he didn’t care to answer now all of a sudden he is the best husband and last week we were blessed with a baby boy he has changed so much he is even building a 6 rooms for me always take me out but the issue now is I don’t trust him at all sometimes I snap at him then he gets angry then calm his self down I never asked him about money he discusses it now without being asked please tell me am I being unfair for not trusting him now or being cold at him
Hi there, did you see and feel as you wrote this how complicated this situation is? Did it at all give you a sense that there has been a whole lot of drama going on in this relationship? We’d say that the best thing to do here is to start by learning what healthy relationships and love actually are. You might find our guide helpful http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide. Then you might want to seek support to look at where in life you learned that this amount of drama and complications was love, and also to raise your self esteem. This is not about fair or unfair. Nor is it about anyone being right or wrong, or one person being good and other bad. Not at all. As you both sound like complicated people with issues you need to look at. So the question is, what are those issues, how did you develop these issues, and are you going to choose to heal them. Because we’d bet that any relationship before had similar problems, and that if you did leave this one the next one would too. Change has to start within.
My SO of 4 months told me that he has doubts about our relationship. He said that he feels like he likes me and cares for me a lot but he doesn’t know if he will ever be able to feel more than that. He said that he’s not sure if he’s capable of loving someone. He’s 33, never been married and hasnt been in a relationship for 3 years prior to me. He said at one point in time he was capable but had his heart broken very badly. We broke up but we are still trying to sort things out. Is there any hope for fixing this?
Hi Samantha, it’s a big question. And not one we can answer over a comment box or about two people we don’t know. In any case, there is always a possibility as humans have free will and choice, anything is possible. On the other hand, we are interested that you got to this point so quickly. Did you jump into the relationship? Were you super intense? Or did you maintain your own individual lives as you steadily got to know each other? Finally, we wonder why you would want to fix something with a man who said he doesn’t think he’ll be able to feel big things about you. In other words, we don’t think ‘is there a hope for fixing this’ is the right question. We think you need to look at what you expect from relationships, what you are willing to put up with, what you think love is and isn’t, and why that is. You can’t change or control him and what he feels, but the person you can affect here is yourself. So start there. Best, HT.
Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been close friends for several years, together for 5 of them. I love him very much and he’s a great guy, we have been through alot together and have been supportive to one another. I’ve been having doubts lately as I think he just doesn’t seem to care as much as I do and doesn’t initiate things like sexting when we can’t see each other that week. Like how do I know if he’s still interested? It seems a little routined how we see each other currently, doesn’t really ask me out anymore, I’m the one to initiate a proper date night or to stay at his. I feel like what I’m getting from him is lackluster and even in the bedroom he doesn’t take charge or dominance. Am I asking for too much, is he not my match or am I self sabotaging and nick-picking ?
Hi Simone, is there a reason you haven’t discussed this with him and rather are discussing it with strangers? All that to say it sounds like you have communication issues. Everyone has different ways of showing love, and sexting certainly isn’t everyone’s. You are assuming your way of showing love is his way of offering it, but if you’ve never explained what you want, he can’t be expected to read your mind. Everyone has their own ways of showing and receiving love you can’t assume his are yours. It has to be discussed. Ditto re wanting someone dominant. That is a choice, not something you can just expect from someone, and very much something to discuss in an honest, kind, supportive conversation (not judgemental and accusatory like this message you’ve written or you’ll just cause conflict). We’d also say there seems to be real insecurity here. If after five years you still aren’t sure he cares about you, we’d be curious where this lack of confidence comes from.Finally, you seem to be very intent on declaring how great things are on one hand, but really unhappy and only able to see negatives on the other. Is this the relationship for you, or do you just like the idea of it? All things to explore.
Hi, I need advice for my relationship and I came across this.
This is my first relationship. Usually we wouldn’t be long distance but given the circumstances, the UK is in lockdown and our relationship is online.
I met my man at university and we were best friends and were always together all the time, I liked him since September 2019 and just before lockdown started in the UK in March we started to cuddle out of nowhere. During the whole of lockdown until now, we talk all the time and FaceTime every night before we sleep, we sometimes FaceTime in the day too. We’ve gotten into a relationship (but with no gf/bf labels). Whenever I talk to him I would be all smiley and get butterflies.
I finally saw him again last Monday and it was amazing. We cuddled and kissed a lot and went to the park and had food, it was really nice, I loved it, I was very happy and got butterflies. We planned to meet again on the 5th but he has to babysit cousins until the end of this week so we decided on this weekend, I thought he meant the weekend that just passed so I got sad and he said no it’s okay we’ll meet this weekend and next weekend instead.
So I saw him on Sunday. It was nice. Problem is on Saturday I wasn’t as excited and nervous to see him as I was last Sunday before I saw him on Monday. Then on Sunday although I got a bit nervous before seeing him, I wasn’t as happy and smiley as on Monday although we did the same things at my flat this time. I didn’t really get butterflies. I was more neutral and calm on Sunday. I smiled but actively- on Monday when I saw him I couldn’t stop smiling. This makes me so sad. I’ve been overthinking since then, doubting my feelings for him. It hurts. I’ve been sad the whole of yesterday.
My friends say it’s normal and that I’ll feel better, I do feel a bit better today but I’m still a bit worried. I don’t know, the past 3 days I’ve been feeling different to how I’ve been feeling the past 3 months, I’ve been feeling more empty. I want it to stop, I want to go back to how I was before.
Will this go? How can I fix this? I do care for him and I want to be with him and spend time with him. There’s nothing wrong with this relationship, it’s perfect, it’s all I’ve ever wanted. So why do I feel like this? I felt empty on one day the past 3 months and it left soon in the same day. I pray this goes soon and I’ll get back to being all smiley.
Please give me some advice and help, I really want this relationship to work. I would rather be with him for the rest of my life or for me to love him too much and him to break my heart.
Sara
Hi Sara. Question. Where did you learn that having butterflies and feeling nervous is love? Or that you are supposed to be happy and smiley all the time if you are in love? In a romance book, or a film? Unfortunately, real love and real relationships are nothing to do with what we are spoonfed by the media. And hate to break it to you, but that is not at all related to what real love and a relationship is. You are young, and just learning now what relationships actually are. Perhaps you come from a family or culture where love and relating aren’t talked about much, so all you had was film and movies. So slow down, take a deep breath, stop thinking about ‘your whole life’ and just focus on learning and growing and not judging your experience. As there is a lot of learning ahead, and there will be ups and downs, it’s normal. We recommend you read our guide on what a healthy relationship is https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/healthy-relationships-help-guide.htm and how to be ready for real love https://bit.ly/realloveHT and the difference between love and infatuation https://bit.ly/realloveHT.Finally, we’d say it’s good that you started friends. But we’d highlight that talking incessantly every day and night is a bit of a red flag. Real love also means that we need to have our own lives, and not to rely on the other person for our self-esteem or sense of happiness. Young love can be all consuming, but then, when we ‘overdo’ it, we suddenly want space. It’s a natural response. It doesn’t mean it can’t work as a relationship, it means you’ve overdone it and need to relax. If you can be yourself around him, great. That’s a good start. If it doesn’t work out? Then it’s an experience. There will be many others ahead. Best, HT.
Hi,
I recently, in the last four months, sob have been in a relationship with an amazing guy. An amazing guy who includes me in his future, introduced me to his friends and family and also finally came out of the closet bc of how amazing the relationship was and him wanting to live in his truth. The thing I love about him is that he’s willing to compromise and sacrifice for the relationship to make me feel comfortable and as am I. About three weeks ago, I got this feeling that something was missing. Like I couldn’t pin point what it was, but felt like I’m needing more of something. I recently broke up with him to take some time to think over things, and I beat myself up bc I love him so much and saw a future with him until my doubts got the best of me. So since we took a break, we text everyday and I love it and I truly miss him, but the doubts scare me. Mind you this is my first healthy relationship where I have been with an amazing guy.
Hi Sammy. Sounds like you rushed in. Often, if we jump into a relationship and go way too fast, it’s around the three month mark we realise we have doubts. Of course we do, we hardly know the person. We might think we do, but you can’t know someone in four months. It’s lust and expectation over real love. So you have to look at your own ideas of what love is and maybe do some research on real love and healthy relationships to get a reality check here (http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide). Also, sounds like you might like a challenge. He wasn’t out, and you encouraged him to do so. Now the challenge is done, are you bored? If so, then worth noting how using relationships to avoid boredom or feel excitement is not a great thing, or necessarily fair on the other person. Also sounds like you are dragging it out, not even letting the guy go when it sounds like you instigated the breakup. So we don’t know your whole relationship history, but you insinuate you are prone to unhealthy ones.We’d wonder if there was some kind of addictive pattern here, if you often rush into relationships headfirst, attracted by a challenge, get bored, back out, then push and pull…. if so we’d highly recommend therapy as this would relate to your childhood and likely have deep roots it will take work to untangle. If you don’t, the pattern will just keep repeating. Best, HT.
My boyfriend insulted me during our last confictand he broke up with me but we’ve been talking about the relationship.Does he want me back even though he said he doesn’t need me back?i need a therapist.it’s a longstory
Hi Yvy, therapy is great for relationships and anxiety about relationships. We have no idea if he wants you back that is up to you and him, but therapy helps you communicate better and not make assumptions. Best, HT.
What is your scared because you know his family does not like you…
Hi LPI, here’s the thing, are you able to fortune tell? How do you know his family does not like you? Sounds like anxiety and guessing to us.
Thanks for your message. I am newly engaged, but the day after our engagement got terrible anxiety which then escalated to anxiety and depression at the thought that this meant I had to call off the whole thing.
I am torn between having doubts that we are not as compatible as we should be, that maybe I want him to challenge me more intellectually/ worried that we don’t make each other laugh enough and that maybe our conversations aren’t fulfilling enough. But equally I can’t imagine my life without him, I know I love him and can’t picture myself with someone else. My worry though is that are we leading ourselves down the path of an unfulfilled relationship? I’m in limbo land of what to do. Can you help?
Hi Rachelle, help can be found. We obviously can’t help you based on a comment. You need to work with someone who can get to know you, to know if doubts are part of your life or just this relationship, who can explore your beliefs about yourself, about relationships, and what you actually do and don’t want versus what you tell yourself you want and don’t want. So either work with a counsellor yourself, to look at this anxiety, or consider premarital counselling, growing in popularity. Do we think clarity is there to be found? Absolutely. But not overnight, it will be a process you’ll have to commit to. Best, HT.
Hi Harley, I appreciate your good work. I have been in a relationship with my fiance for 7 years. He is 15 years older (44) semi literate while I am literate with an MSC. We ‘ve good and bad times but still together and in love. We are planning on getting married by September and I am having doubts about everything from finance, age, education. I earn more and fear the finances will majorly fall on me and I don’t want that. I am ready to support not shoulder the whole responsibility. He is a good and thoughtful man and my doubts are beginning to create a gap.
Hello, thankyou for such an informative article, it has been really helpful to read. My boyfriend and I had been in a long distance relationship for 18 months, however we were able to see each other most weekends as we only lived 3 hours apart. We fell in love and throughout this time we often discussed living together. After many discussions we decided that I would move to him as his job was better paid than mine, and I wasn’t enjoying my job so was happy to leave, and additionally I could take voluntary redundancy from my work. So 2 months ago, I made the move to live with him. We rented a new flat together. The first month was incredible and felt like a second honeymoon period but in the second month we had a few big arguments. These arguments didn’t seem like a huge deal to me but a few days ago, completely out of the blue, he told me he was having doubts about our relationship, and even went as far to say he wasn’t sure if I was the one or that we were compatible enough. I felt totally devastated and questioned him further… I asked how long he had been having these doubts and why he didn’t share them with me before I moved. He said he had some small doubts before I moved up but was hoping that me moving in would dispel these, when in fact it did not. I feel so confused as when we were discussing breaking up he told me that he is really in love with me and has never had a connection as deep with anyone, and he’s worried that he’s going to regret breaking up. He said his heart wants to stay together but his gut is saying the opposite. I think he suffers from low self esteem as he’s very critical of himself and has in past said he doesn’t believe me when I say I love him. In the past he has also said that he doesn’t think he knows what love is or if his mother loves him. I truly believe him when he says he loves me but I just feel so confused by his actions. I feel devastated that he has chosen to break up rather than work on the relationship, and the doubts he is having. He has admitted that he can be quite critical me and acknowledges that this could just be a reflection on how critical he is of himself. He’s just started therapy as he is aware he has some things to work through but I have no idea if it will make him realise what he had and want me back. I just feel so confused and devastated by it all.
Hi Jay, have you sat down and talked all these things through with each other in calm, non blaming language? He might have doubts, too. It’s normal to have doubts before marrying. And a good idea to set boundaries and goals for the marriage in advance. It’s so normal, in fact, that we’ve seen a big rise in pre-marital counselling, couples who come in for a few sessions of counselling before getting married to get on the same page, and have a therapist help them communicate in constructive ways as they work through doubts. We have an article on it here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/premarital-counselling-facts.htm Best, HT.
Hi Beth, it’s always tough when relationships don’t work out how we hoped. Going from seeing each other only on weekends to suddenly living together is a big change. And if one partner walks away from their support system, their job/friends etc, to be with the other, it can sometimes put a lot of pressure on the relationship to provide happiness. At the moment your focus is on trying to analyse him. It is often easier after a painful breakup to try to find fault with the other, it’s a normal phase to go through. Of course the truth is that in relationships there is never one ‘unhealthy’ person and one ‘healthy’ one. If you ended up in a relationship together, it would be as you had matching issues. For example, you say he is someone who doesn’t think he knows what love is. So then you are that someone who is attracted to a relationship with someone who is uncertain they can love, and who you say is critical. So for now it’s about taking time to practise self care and get back on your feet again. Perhaps in the future when you are feeling better there will be more space to look at what you can learn about yourself from the experience, and your own ideas of love and relating and where they come from, whether they actually serve you or might need to be reassessed. We’d say therapy is a great step for you as well, if it’s of interest! Until then, feeling confused and sad is part of the grieving process of a breakup, we’d imagine made harder as now you have to find a place to live, etc. We hope you have friends and family helping and that you manage to get back on your feet soon. Best, HT.
Hi, it’s Julia again, i wrote a message here about a situationship – minutes ago – and i want you to ignore it because i realised i offered more details that i should and i dont want the message to be seen, please. Thank you, i will come back later with another!
Hi Julia, that’s fine. But quickly, sounds like what you are doubting that you shouldn’t is not this man, but, your own intuition from the beginning. Stop making excuses for this man, and listen to what you always knew was true from the beginning. And stop making excuses for what deep down you were clear were not choices that felt right for you. You made them, that can’t change, now you need to focus on getting through the mess and taking care of yourself. Subjects you might want to research on this site are our are articles on what love is and isn’t, what healthy relationships are, and what manipulation is. And then it’s worth looking at what in you felt this what was what you deserved, does this go back to childhood? Did you have to ‘earn’ love as a child, were your parents dishonest with you, what is this all about? Have you ever been attracted to an honest, healthy relationship in the past? Or is there a pattern of unhealthy choices and drama? If so, consider therapy, it can help you learn how to make healthy relationship choices and avoid making self destructive ones. Best, HT.
Hi I struggle with questions like, “do I love my partner?” It never used to come to my head but it’s more common now I don’t like it 😭 I want some help
I have questions in my head like do I love my boyfriend. And overthink I’ll Literally search on Google so many things I hate how it makes my heart race. The thing is I know I love my boyfriend but this question recently has been coming up in my head what does this mean how can I get rid of it I just want to go back to not thinking that because I do love him
Hi Elizabeth, we’d imagine this has nothing to do with your boyfriend or your relationship but more to do with anxiety and anxious thinking, also called ‘rumination’ (use our search bar to find our article on it). Rumination can be quite addictive, and our mind will always find something to fuss over, if not one thing another. You mention your heart racing which is a classic sign of going into anxiety. We’d recommend a round of CBT therapy which is a short term therapy especially designed to help you regulate your thinking. Best, HT.
How do you get over a betrayal that happened years ago, that you have brushed under the carpet for 4 years, when everyone else has moved on, but you just can’t mentally move forward from it. And your partner is sick of talking about it? Despite a wonderful future at stake?
I’m looking for somewhere I can send a detailed email and take a detailed reply x
Hi Steph, we’re really sorry but we don’t offer free counselling over comments or email. We’d suggest you book a session with a therapist and give yourself a proper chance to discuss this. Nowadays there are therapists for every budget. If you are in the UK, we run an online booking platform with profiles of therapists across the UK here https://harleytherapy.com/. Best, HT.
Hi, I have not really talked about in depth to anyone. I’ve been in a relationship for 7 years with my high school sweetheart, we connected many years later in 2015 and we’ve been together since then. It’s been very Rocky road in the beginning the first three to six months was great and then after that the misery began. What day he got in trouble and was in jail for about 2 weeks and during that time I had his phone and unfortunately I decided to glance through it and I did and his email I found emails to hit him about match.com which is a dating website. It really took me by surprise so then I started going through his recent phone log and started looking up numbers that weren’t in his contacts but he had called. Well that began a new chapter in my life that I will never ever forget and I wished I would have never looked at that first number. So I started becoming very insecure questioning him about everything everywhere he went when he went to work and it progressed it got worse and worse and worse in every day I would harass him and he denies it completely. But my gut for 7 years has told me that something is sketchy something is not right is he narcissist who just enjoys trying to make me jealous or is he really doing something behind my back. The reason why I feel so strongly about this is because his demeanor changes his personality changes in it puts a red flag up telling me that he’s about to go do something that would disrespect the relationship he used to hit me all the time and I left him several times because of it and I would always go back to him. Now it’s occasionally he might push me down and it’s been a constant thing where all of a sudden out of the blue he will start an argument with me I have saved any constant state of confusion in this relationship but I won’t leave two reasons I really do care for him and I’m not sure but I think I’m in love with them maybe not but I’m obsessed with finding the truth I have lost my job I haven’t worked in 6 years and I’m constantly still looking up numbers out of his phone when I get an opportunity to try to see where he’s at when he tells me he’s at a job or in cars thinks about cars that I see coming in near our neighborhood that seemed very suspicious it’s it’s ruined my life I haven’t had a life for a long time. I used to be very active with the community I’m 57 years old and he is 55 and it’s got to stop I have to stop doing this I must make a decision to just not know the truth and just leave because it’s just a toxic relationship to begin with but I can’t seem to pull myself away I have to know the truth if this person has been stabbing me in the back or is he just a sick person. I can go on and on a stories about day after day and year after year the constant struggle to stay in a healthy relationship and it’s just not happening and I just keep coming back or I leave and he keeps pulling me back in it’s a vicious cycle and I I need it to stop. Don’t know what to do.
Insightful reflection on the complicated nature of doubt within romantic relationships may be found in Doubt in Relationships Useful or Toxic? It clarifies the origins of uncertainty by emphasizing how our views of current interactions might be influenced by our past experiences. The article promotes self-reflection and introspection by addressing the propensity to cast previous baggage onto current companions. It challenges readers to consider whether their reservations are motivated by legitimate worries or shaped by unhealed emotional scars. A deeper understanding of the role doubt plays in relationships is prompted by the article’s nuanced viewpoint, which eventually challenges readers to negotiate this treacherous terrain with greater self-awareness and open communication. If you’re looking for helpful information, go to {-}.
thanks alot of information
This article addresses an important aspect of relationships that often goes unspoken – doubt. Doubts can creep into any relationship, but acknowledging and communicating them is key. Sometimes, doubts stem from our past experiences and insecurities, and it’s crucial to work through them together with open and honest conversations. Seeking professional help when needed can provide valuable guidance. Remember, every relationship has its ups and downs, and doubt doesn’t necessarily mean it’s time to walk away. Let’s foster trust, empathy, and understanding to build stronger, more resilient connections with our partners.
My partner and I met on a dating app about 4 months ago and we had a strong attraction and connection from the word go. I’m someone who finds it very hard to feel interested in someone as I need connection on a personality level as well as a physical level, and for the first time in a very long time (10 years in actual fact), I found someone who I connected with, had a laugh with, had a lot of shared interests and taste in films and music etc. and who I also found drop dead gorgeous.
For the first 6 weeks it was a typical honeymoon period of nothing but fun, great connection and great sex. It was quite intense though and everything moved very fast. Our first 2 dates were on back to back days and both of them quite short, and nothing physical happened, not even a kiss. She lives about 2 hours away from me by train, so for our 3rd date she invited me to come and stay w her for the wknd, which I did, and then everything happened. Then we spent alternate weekends at each other’s places. She let me know that if someone doesn’t ask her to be their girlfriend within 8 weeks, that she loses interest. So after a month I asked her to be my girlfriend as I was sure I really liked her and didn’t want her to lose interest. Then after about another week or two, she said she noticed we hadn’t said we loved each other yet, so because I was feeling very loved up, I said I loved her, and she was very happy and said it back.
However, about 6 weeks in, we went to a party at her best friend’s place and I saw some sides to her which I found a bit difficult. She’s a smoker which I don’t like as I hate smoking, and at this party she was smoking more than usual and indoors too. Plus she kept putting on loads of music that I couldn’t really relate to, and she and her friends were taking loads of selfies and endless pics of each other, which again, I just really don’t like as I feel it ruins the enjoyment of the moment. One or two pics is ok, but to do it non stop throughout the whole night just makes the entire experience feel fake to me.
Obviously none of these things are deal breakers or massive problems, they’re just part and parcel of getting close to somebody and realising no one is going to be perfect for you and tick all of your boxes, it’s about accepting that person, warts and all, and we talked through them in a mature and calm way, but from that moment on, I started to experience doubts and an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. And that feeling has come and gone for the last month and a half – two months and I can’t seem to shake it. It can last for a few hrs or days at a time, and it makes me pause and feel uneasy before we make any future plans, as in the back of my head I’m constantly thinking, ‘hmm, I’m not sure’.
She says she loves me a lot, and I say it back, but in my head I’m constantly questioning whether that’s true or not, I’m constantly thinking, I don’t feel how I should be feeling, and for the life of me I don’t know why. She doesn’t do anything which is abusive, controlling or manipulative. She’s kind, loving and supportive and I still find her very attractive.
Is this normal? Is it perhaps a fear of intimacy? Does this mean it’s not right? Any clarity you could provide would be hugely appreciated.
Hey there!
I am in a relationship with my boyfriend now for 1 year and it is my first healthy relationship. He respects me, listens to me, takes my needs into consideration and gives me all the freedom I need to develop as my own best self. The toxic one in the relationship is definitely me, as I am sometimes not accepting him the way he is. I work out a lot, do yoga, eat vegan, don’t drink alcohol and I wish his lifestyle would be a bit like mine. He wants to start working out but sometimes I wish I had a partner who shared my values more. I am very spiritual and want to share this with my partner, talk about meditation and so on but it’s just not his thing. Despite loving him so much I always wonder if that is enough. I couldn’t imagine leaving him because I love him so much but is it Sometimes the right thing to do when I imagine a relationship on a more spiritual level? We are planning to move in together but it really makes me question if he is the one for me. I randomly met someone on the street and we somehow ended up talking about spirituality and it really made me question it even more. As I said, he is the best, he treats me so well but I don’t know if he is the ‘one’ for me.
Hello.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We started dating senior year of High School and knew each other long before that. I feel that now we are preparing to graduate college all of the normal conversations are happening (and have been happening through out or relationship) Wedding, were to live etc. I am feeling overwhelmed and im not sure if I am having commitment issues/ relationship anxiety, or if I am settling. I cant help but feel fomo in not having the normal early 20’s experiences but I know im not missing out on much. I am so loved and he is great to me. I love hom. We do have our normal issues and trying to work on our communication but I still have this fear that it wont work out or that we may be together out of comfort. I am not sure how to have this conversation without hurting my Significant other.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple of months then I found out he had lied and hid vaping from me not once but twice so I told him I needed a break. We still communicate but i’m also worried that if and when we get back together things won’t feel or be the same.
Just seeing if this works
Hello. I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years. We never fight and always have been happy. I have struggled with mental health for quite some time. For the past 6 months I’ve been consumed with doubts and thoughts about my SO not being the one or that I’m not in love with her anymore or that she isn’t attractive. I truly just want these thoughts to stop and to go back to being the happy couple we were. I miss it more than anything. Any advice as to what’s going on with me and what I can do?
Hi,
So, my bf and I jave been together for 1 Yr 4 months now. The first year was incredible, loved up and no doubts except 1 brief moment at 6 months. This is my first relationship, and we were friends for over a Yr. I have mental health problem, depression, anxiety and past trauma from and alcoholic father.
I was due to go on holiday with his family, which was at the same time as our 1 Yr, but suddenly the week before us going, I got this huge anxiety and doubt after not enjoying the intimate time as much. It rocked us to the core and I ended up not going on holiday with his family due to it.
We go past it and for the last 2 months things were brilliant, I was loved up again.
Now these feelings of doubt have come back. I got super anxious the other night after he initiated intimate time (was already anxious that day) and have been overthrown with all these doubts again.
I find myself overthinking, do j find him handsome anymore, do I love him etc. I just don’t know what to do 🙁 I am am overthinker and have had a lot go on in my life. I so desperately want this relationship to be right. He’s incredible, no red flags at all. What should I do? 🙁 how do I stop these thoughts…?
I met my now boyfriend over a year ago at work, we worked together for most of our relationship and recently Ive had to quit and move further from the city by 25-30 minutes. His past relationships were awful and he worry’s that i might of just gotten tired of him and that I’m leaving him and no matter how many times I reassure him he still has worries and doubts and they not only hurt me they put unneeded stress on both of us. What can I do to assure him or help him? We’ve talked about the move and how it will be good for me for a little while but how do we talk this through?
Moral: photos become silly when ur in relationship mode.
I have been with my boyfriend for 12 years. He is a kind, loving person and we often have fun together. But I have serious doubts about him. First, I am sometimes embarrassed of him. When we go out, he is shy and doesn’t want to talk to people or says embarrassing things. Many of my friends like him, but I just wish he was cooler. Also, we have the same values, but not a lot of common interests, and I wish that he talked more. When we were first going out, we did lots of fun things, he was very romantic and brought me flowers, and now I feel like we don’t do that anymore. I’ve talked to him about it and he says he will try harder, but then he doesn’t. When we started going out, we had sex, but now we basically don’t unless I initiate it. I feel like I’m doing all the work. Plus, I am overweight and I often feel like if I could just lose the weight or was more beautiful or fun, I could find someone better—funnier, better looking, more romantic, more fun, etc. Am I settling? Are these doubts normal? How do I know if this is the right person, or if someone better for me is out there?
Hi there, my boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months and have been facing communication barriers and emotional connection issues. I have experience with therapy and have been trying to handle the situation. The other night after struggling for the past 2 almost 3 months to find stability and consistency in the relationship, I sat him down and asked what was holding him back from letting me in and if he sees all I’ve done to show him I want to be his partner and have a partnership not just the same unhealthy relationships he’s used to from his past experiences. He told me that he doesn’t want to lose me, to trust and then be broken again. He told me that he keeps his guard up because he doesn’t think I’ll stay forever because I’m not enough for him. I reassured him and we spoke about what more we could do for each other. Is it bad that I now have doubts after he’s told me why he still has his? He’s given me reason to doubt him but my faith in him was stronger. He’s done things for me that he’s never done for others. I know he loves me, but is love enough when you can’t force someone to trust you and you’re constantly being negatively impacted by their reluctance to let you be there partner.
Hii
I have recently got into a relationship after 4 years. It’s been 6 months but now I’ve started having doubts. It’s not that I don’t trust him but lately I’ve been getting that “scary” feeling. I love him and i trust him when he says that back but I’m not able bring myself to believe that. I feel that maybe he’ll leave and I’ll have a broken heart again like it has happened with all of my past relationships and friendships. I’m scared because i know I’m getting attached to him pretty fast and i want to protect myself too but i also don’t want to hold myself d back because of that. I’m in a really tough spot right now. Please help.
Hi,
I’ve been dating my SO for three years. We are 2 and 3 years out of high school. I recently got off of a hormonal birth control pill and have been spiraling ever since. Even before stopping the pill, I’ve had issues with anxiety, but it’s now coupled with depression. I’ve started having doubts about my previously sound relationship like “is he the one?”, “does he really love me?”, and getting upset that we don’t spend as much time together as I’d like. I’ve tried talking to my sister and a therapist about this but it only made me feel worse. My sister said she knew the day she met her husband that he was going to be the one and she never had any doubts. And my therapist keeps telling me, “you’re young, you can choose to be with whoever you want to be with.”. Which i keep thinking is her way of saying I should break up with my SO. My SO is amazing and has been my rock through these three long months of suffering with depression and anxiety triggers. He’s kind, listens, and tries his best to meet my expressed wishes, but I still feel like I have needs that aren’t being met—mainly time spent together. So I’d like to know what your thoughts on the “you know when you know” saying and it’s applicability to young couples? Side note: a lot of things have been changing in our relationship and with my life in general—we started talking about moving in together, I got a full time job, I have a new nephew, etc. could these changes be triggering my thoughts?
hi,
this might be weird cause i’m only 16,
but im in a relationship with a guy over discord. (long distance)
we met through a video game and just clicked.
i really love him, and we were really lovey-dovey for the first 3-4 months. But now, nearing 6 months, he seems to be more distant. He doesn’t tell me he loves me anymore, and if he does it’s in the short form “ily” or “ly” and it just feels wrong like i’m putting in more effort than he is. He also has been saying a lot of mean things to me and then saying they are jokes- he has done this before but he is doing it a lot more now. I wonder if he actually loves me- or even did in the first place. I feel horrible for doubting him, but at the same time it’s hard not to doubt it when he’s being so distant. To add, he wants me to go to the same college as him (i’m 1 year older than him) and i said i would- but now im not so sure i want to. Though i don’t want to disappoint him, and i really want to see him in real life. Another hard part is not being able to see each other at all. His parents are very strict and they don’t know he is dating me. He says we can’t see each other until college or until i drive out to see him in 2 years. It’s hard waiting, but as long as i know he loves me i should be fine. But, it circles back to not even knowing if he loves me anymore.
I know the definite way to get to the bottom of all this is to communicate with him- but i am scared.
Not because he is aggressive, or we never open up, i’m just generally not one for confrontation and i’m semi scared of the response i might get. (ex, “oh yea i don’t love you anymore” or something like that)
thank you,
sarah
Hi,
I’m 42..after a failed marriage with a serial cheater,i met a guy and within 5 months of knowing each other,we started dating. Initially the relationship felt right and exciting. But within one year,I started getting doubts. He is quite loyal,reliable and a hardworking man. But I’m unable to feel positive about our relationship. I have ptsd and putting in significant work in healing. But even after requesting him to heal from his childhood trauma,there is not much progress from His end. His actions trigger me a lot. And I lose hope in the relationship. I believe in growing and evolving as a person. But he is very happy with status quo. Am I asking for too much from him? We recently started couples therapy, hoping he would do some inner work there ,but that’s led to a dead end as well. This is because he goes for therapy only cos I ask him to. I’m quite confused. Pls give me some clarity.
I was being cheated on in my earlier relationship and I believe that is the cause of my insecurities. After ending that relationship, I’ve been through 2 more relationship for 6 years and 4 years respectively whereby both ended with my exes leaving me. After taking sometimes off to know myself and realize my problem, I’m now going out with a new BF. We have been dating for more than a year and he treated me very well. However, I somehow still felt insecure and keep thinking that he would leave me 1 day like my 2 earlier exes did. I read a lot on how to overcome my problem and majority of it shared about communication. We communicated and despite his assurance, I couldn’t help myself from thinking too much. He recently bought me a car which I am very happy with but I have upset him by making a fuss that he regrated his action and worrying that he would ditch me later. When we talk about this recently, he express his disappointment towards me as he thought that would make me happy and it end up causing problem. Although during the conversation he assure me that he is committed with this relationship, I started to swift my doubt that I have upset me and he would not love me that much anymore.
hello everyone my name is Ayla
Hi, I am 18 years old and am in a long distance relationship with someone I’ve known for almost 3 years.
I’ve been with him for 3-4 months now and he has been the most perfect man I’ve ever seen. Very perfect for me anyways.
A few days ago I was obsessing over him, but very suddenly I started over thinking things about him.
And ever since I’m feeling a massive feeling of doubt and disinterest.
It really hurts because I really feel like he’s the one for me but my body is just trying to make me not want to be with him anymore.
He’s done nothing wrong and it really pains me because we were so happy.
I know if I stay with him he’ll treat me right. And I don’t know if these feelings of doubt and uncertainty is just a silly little phase.
Suddenly the thought of him being lovey with me and saying nice things doesn’t feel so right anymore.
And I don’t understand why because nothing has happened.
Does anyone understand this feeling and how to over come it without having to leave him because I want to be with him and I do feel like I love him.
I just feel kind of wrong in a way.
Can someone help me?