10 Excuses That Hide Emotionally Abusive Relationships
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
April 4, 2023
by Andrea M. Darcy
Worry you are are in an emotionally abusive relationship? Read on to know for sure.
What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse (also called psychological abuse or mental abuse) is any form of non-physical abuse designed to cause damage to another person’s mindset and erode their sense of wellbeing.
It most often involves someone imposing their power over you in a way that attacks your sense of confidence and makes you depend on them, whether that is through control, coercion, manipulation, degradation, bullying, and/or verbal cruelty.
The perpetrator might psychologically abuse you in such a careful way that they know nobody will take you seriously if you complain. In this way psychological abuse can be sadly difficult to prove.
Signs of emotional abuse
Emotional abuse can include:
- name calling and putdowns
- constantly belittling you in front of others
- pressuring you to do things you have said you don’t want to
- telling lies about you to others
- ignoring you when you are trying to communicate
- controlling who you speak to and see or isolating you from loved ones
- monitoring everything you do, including emails and texts
- not letting you go out alone
- sulking if you don’t do what they say
- making you think you are nothing without them and ‘need’ them
- telling you everything is all your fault
- controlling your finances
Why emotionally abusive relationships are a big deal
Although emotionally abusive relationships might not leave physical marks, they can leave deep psychological issues it takes years to heal from.
Emotional abuse corrodes your self-esteem, meaning you are left with not only no confidence but even no idea of who you really are any more. You might even suffer an identity crisis. These issues can combine to make it difficult to get into future relationships and can affect both your career, social life, and finances. Low self-esteem is also is a very common path to depression.
Emotional abuse can also lead to emotional shock or post-traumatic shock disorder.
Emotional abuse is often is the precursor to physical abuse – in fact it is seen as the most reliable predicator that your partner has the potential for physical abuse.
Who does emotional abuse affect?
Anyone at all can find themselves in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Emotional abuse is pervasive, crossing culture, gender, age, and types of relationships.
The Home Office in the UK claims that when it comes to cases of reported abuse, emotional abuse is more common than any other form of abuse, with men almost as affected as women. 46% of men reporting abuse had suffered psychological abuse, in comparison to 57% of women.
Emotionally abusive relationships are not just romantic, either. They can be familial relationships or work relationships. Workplace bullying is a form of emotional abuse.
10 Common Excuses We Make in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Below are a series of excuses that are commonly used by victims in denial they are suffering psychological abuse at the hands of another.
1. It’s normal, really.
Emotional abuse is, sadly, common. But this does not mean it is normal. A healthy relationship does not involve constantly being belittled, manipulated, and controlled.
2. It’s my fault, I drive him/her crazy.
A key tactic of emotional abuse is psychological manipulation, which often means making you think it’s your fault, that you are ‘crazy’ or ‘too much’. But constantly blaming you for everything is just another form of emotional abuse. A healthy relationship involves both people taking responsibility for what isn’t working.
3. It’s just their sense of humour/ they are only kidding.
Sometimes we all gently poke fun at someone we love. But the key is sometimes. This sort of joking also happens when it’s a two way street. If you are constantly the subject of ‘jokes’, and the only person being made fun of is you, it’s likely less funny or kind and more likely abuse.
4. They don’t really mean it.
In the heat of an argument we all say things we regret. But how often are their comments callous? Or do they force you to do things you don’t want to? Daily? More that daily? And are such things done offhandedly, as if it’s normal? If they don’t really mean it, they why are they constantly saying or doing what they are?
5. It’s just their weird way of showing they love me /Deep down I know they love me.
What is their ‘unweird’ way of showing they love you? And how often does that happen compared to their unkindness? If they do nice things once or twice a month, but put you down and bully you daily, how is this love, when love is a supportive accepting relationship between two people?
6. But I’ve been mean, too.
Over time, being emotionally abused is ‘crazymaking’. In other words, the nicest person will start being snappy in return, or manipulating back. Take note of how many times you are ‘mean’ compared to their output. And try to understand how you got to this place where you have lost sight of yourself so much you now think you are a bad person. If this is a self belief that has only developed since the relationship?
By: Francisco Osorio
6. That’s just the way he or she is.
Perhaps this is true. Perhaps they truly are unkind most of the time. But that is not to say you are to put up with it.
7. I can take it/ It doesn’t bother me that much.
This is a common excuse when it comes to emotional abuse – a sense that you are ‘cut out’ to deal with difficult people. This is really just codependency. It means you are using all of your energy to ‘handle’ another person. That is not a relationship, it is a power struggle.
8. I like being treated this way, if I’m honest.
Sadly, some sufferers of psychological abuse reach a point they convince themselves they like being abused. Nobody, deep down, likes being hurt. This is a survivor mechanism an the result of so much manipulation and blackmail you are taking the blame.
9. It could be worse.
If you are telling yourself it’s not so bad as you aren’t being physically hurt, remember again that emotional abuse often eventually leads to physical abuse. And also remember that the psychological damage you are creating by being in an emotionally abusive relationship can take far longer to heal than any broken bone.
10. If I just stick it out things will change.
It’s very unlikely that an emotional abuser can change within the structure of a relationship unless he or she has committed to transform and admits to having a problem. Don’t see this as advice to spend all your time cajoling your partner or family member into therapy, though. Unless someone attends therapy of their own accord it is rarely useful. But then there is you…
Can therapy help me leave an emotionally abusive relationship?
Manipulation is an art, and it can leave the brightest, strongest person confused.
It can be very hard to get the perspective and strength to walk away, and often an emotionally abused person does not want to turn to friends and family for fear of hearing ‘I told you so’.
A counsellor or psychotherapist can offer unbiased support and create a safe environment to unpack what is going on and what you would like to do next. To find a therapist to talk to online, you can also visit our sister site harleytherapy.com to find counsellors who specialise in working with people who have suffered abuse.
Andrea M. Darcy is a lifestyle and wellbeing writer as well as a coach who often writes about relationships. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
I have been in an abusive relationship for 22 years. And not really. Realised.
Sorry to hear that. It’s never too late to take care of yourself and make different choices, and to seek support if you need it.
I hv bn in an emotionally abusive marriage for 23 years. We hv a child, main reason I stay. Also I need to be less dependent so I’m going to get a dental assistant certificate so I can earn my own money.
A great idea to do things that help you feel more independent and remind you that you are a powerful person. Have you researched if there are any support groups in your area? Other people going through what you are might be able to help you access resources that mean you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.
Abuse abounds in many areas from home to work to general interactions with other people. Instead of retaliating of speaking your mind to difficult or toxic people it may be easier to adopt a simple mantra instead. Eckhart Tolle suggests that insteadvof flaring up from a point of ego it is simpler to recognise that the offending person may lack consciousness. Instead of personalising their behaviour an option is to note what they do and how you feel but not mull over the other person’s lack of respect or self awareness. Remember that you can only control your own response and build an imaginary wall between the difficult person to keep your peace of mind intact.
Yes, it’s very true that we can choose whether to react or not react, and mindfulness is invaluable when dealing with people who feel a need to project their insecurities on others. Retaliation, or vengefulness, becomes a power struggle that can lead to both parties being abusive and that is often an addictive road to go down. But on the other hand, if one is being emotionally abused, it’s important not to take the viewpoint “I can handle this all by myself I just need to block it”. That’s actually close to codependent thinking. If you are experiencing emotional abuse and it’s affecting you more and more, It’s important not go into denial and to recognise you need support.
I left an emotionally abusive relationship with support from my mother but have now realised she is emotionally abusive worse than my partner which explains a lot . They fight over my attention and I am submissive in their company as I have no job and am co dependant I now realise . It stems from my childhood I was chosen to be the person to do everything for my mother . When she divorced I took over father role in the house . I have lost 4 relatives in 2 years including my father and am worn down my X has been very supportive and says he is lost without me and I feel the same we want to be a family again but can people change . I have become dependant on my daughter for company as we moved and I have no friends I feel I am turning into my mother as she has influenced me far too much I realise that now interfering in my relationship .
Your self awareness is very powerful! You see quite clearly the cycle of codependency in families. It’s a strong cycle, and good for you for recognising that you are about to do the same thing to your own daughter but don’t want to. Yes, people can change, absolutely, but it isn’t overnight and it does require commitment. Is your ex willing to seek support? If someone is abusive it usually means they have unresolved childhood trauma. Without professional support it’s unlikely such a big issue can change. As for going back to the relationship, what are the real positives of that? Is it just that it feels good that he is ‘lost without you’? Are there really enough positives to turn around? Can you write them down? What does it feel like reading the list of positives, and what are the negatives? Is there another way forward you haven’t seen yet? And what could you do to step more into your own power now, so that you can more clearly see other options? Is there someone you can talk to who is outside this situation and can give you impartial feedback? A support group or maybe a counsellor?
My husband verbally lashes out at me when he wants to dispel his anger. I could be reading and in he comes fussing about something that I had nothing to do with. I one argued with him, but that never helped. He always thinks that saying sorry and being affectionate afterwards is enough. I’m so fed up with this behavior!
My husband verbally lashes out at me when he wants to dispel his anger. I could be reading and in he comes fussing about something that I had nothing to do with. I once argued with him, but that never helped. He always thinks that saying sorry and being affectionate afterwards is enough. I’m so fed up with this behavior!
That does not sound like a great situation. Does he know you don’t like this pattern and don’t feel that saying sorry is enough? Would he consider going to a couples counsellor together?
It sounds hard. It’s interesting that you only once argued with him. How long has this been going on? What within you feels that it’s been okay to let it go on this long while saying so little? And is there any way you could reach out for support to look at what you are getting out of this relationship and how you might start to set some boundaries that work for you?
When the emotional abuse first started, I would call him on the offcolor or borderline things he would say… Telling me I wasn’t very smart, I’d put on a little weight, etc. He would always tell me “You’re too sensitive.” I knew from life before him that I could be sensitive sometimes. So I took it as an opportunity to grow, to learn patience and understanding. Next time he said something similar, I still didn’t like it but I rolled my eyes instead and moved on. “You’re too sensitive” was what I started telling myself to justify when he said and did horrible things to me, embarrassing me in friends, breaking up with me as a form of punishment and getting back together with me as a “reward.” Ponting out younger and more attractive women at the bar, saying “why can’t you look like that?” or offering to give me to his friends (who were good guys and fortunately didn’t encourage him when he did that.) Thankfully we’re not together anymore but he still tries to control me through my dog which he legally owns but I raised.
It’s good that you spotted what is undoubtedly emotional abuse and moved on. Sad about the dog, however….
How can you tell if you are being emotionally abusive as well or if you’ve just been pushed too far and gaslighted into thinking you may be?
My boyfriend has narcissistic traits and has been abusive in the form of constantly saying things that jab at my self esteem (he compliments me just as much and thinks this makes up for it) and lashes out at me verbally when he is annoyed by me. I did not realize this was abusive until I was pregnant with his daughter who is now 8 weeks old. He was especially mean to me when I was pregnant. He yelled at me for looking for a blanket in the middle of the night at his studio when I was freezing cold and pregnant – just an example). He was constantly swinging from telling me he loves me to telling me he didn’t feel for me anymore, which really messed with me when I was pregnant and just wanted to be a family. He cheated on me and lied to my face and after finding out and crying about it one day, he refused to hug me. Now, he is trying. I told him I want him to go to psychotherapy, and he started seeing a “life coach” which I did not think was good enough but I have seen improvements. Is it worth trying with him? What can I do for myself to heal from all of this? Thank you.
That’s a very good question. And it gets very complicated in unhealthy relationships. If we stay long enough, we all tend to play all roles, or roles can switch around. But we’d actually suggest that you are asking the wrong question here. What about questions like, why am I staying in this relationship? What is this relationship giving me? What would it take to move on from this relationship if it’s so crazymaking? We hope that helps.
It sounds like you’ve been through a lot, which is especially amazing seeing as through it all you’ve had a child. You can’t change him, he is the only one who can do that. The only person you have power to shore up, support, and help here is yourself (and by default your child). It would be a good idea to consider counselling yourself, to look at what is keeping you in this relationship, if there are any patterns of this sort of relationship in your life, and how you can build up your self-esteem. At the very least it would stand as an example to him of someone who is willing to put the work in to change. If you are on a low budget, see our piece on low cost counselling. We wish you courage!
Hello I’m in an abusive relationship my husband verbally abuse me by calling me names and bring up my past when he has done wrong he quickly shuffle the blame on me I often fI nd myself just telling him what he wants to hear to make things right since we have been married I haven’t been able to sleep it’s so bad that I’m now on ambien I’m also on antidepressants, what should I do we are talking divorce is that the best solution,
Thank you for this honest sharing Vanessa. We can’t tell you what to do as we don’t know you or your partner or the full situation, what else is going on, your past, his past….and these sorts of problems are always complicated. But there are good questions to ask here. What keeps you in the relationship? Is this a pattern in your life? His life? Did you already have anxiety, and the relationship made it worse? Is there anything worth salvaging here? Would you both be willing to go to couples counselling together? Usually, in these sorts of relationships, it’s a pattern from childhood you’ll both be acting out. The emotions you feel and the things you bring to the way you relate will be much bigger than just the relationship itself, so seeing each other clearly becomes very difficult. This is why your anxiety would be through the roof, as any sense of not being safe in the world, caused by things in your past, will combine with the threat you feel when he is unkind, and you might literally have feelings of terror with each casual criticism he makes. A couples therapist can help you see each other clearly and communicate in ways that are useful instead of destructive. In situations like this, both partners need to be willing to work on the relationship and change, though, otherwise it is very hard for any real change to occur. Hope that helps. If he is not willing, it is well worth seeing a counsellor yourself, as a high level of anxiety and choosing abusive partners is a sign of past trauma that needs resolving or it will replay in each relationship you have. On a positive note, with commitment to personal growth such patterns can and do change. We wish you courage!
After roughly two years of abuse I gradually recognised what it was, and that I can get out, it was hard cause I had to do it all in secret by myself (flat hunting, viewing, referencing, deposits etc.), and it was difficult and there were times after moving I cried , but I knew I’d made the right decision. This was three months ago and I’m gradually rebuilding my life, finding who I am again. Sadly I had to leave my cat behind and I think about her all the time, but I know that that was her home and she’d be happy there and well looked after, even though I miss her so much.
Matt thank you so much for sharing this, you are a brave man and it’s sure to inspire all those who read it. That is so, so hard about your cat, animals are such important parts of our lives, we’re sorry.
I think I’m being emotionally abused. My husband often ignores me when I speak to him, staring away from me, blanking me. He then expresses annoyance or feigned surprise when I point out that I was speaking to him. He also implies that he puts up with a great deal from me, but never tells me how, when I ask him, what I’m doing wrong. He is ALWAYS right. He quietly makes all the decisions although he would deny this, “We’ve talked about this already,” which suggests a resolution has been reached, which it never has. He calls me stupid “in fun” except I don’t find it funny. He has made unilateral decisions about our finances. He tells me not to shout at him (when I’m not shouting). He will NOT discuss emotions or anything contentious, if I try to do so he immediately turns on me the very thing I’ve said to him. If I hit home with a remark he will immediately “explode” and storm off. Always there is the suggestion simmering in the background that he suffers in his relationship with me, that I am very difficult to live with. He never explains what I do wrong. He is the saint and I am lacking. I am exhausted.
Julie, that sounds really hard. You are not been heard at all, which must feel so defeating. We don’t know the whole story from just a comment, for example, we don’t know what the positives are, why you haven’t left this relationship. We don’t know your past, what bought you two together and whether these patterns you talk of are recent or were always this way. But what is clear is there are massive communication issues here. And calling someone stupid is really not okay. So if he was up for it, we’d say couples counselling would be a great idea. If you think he’d explode, then we suggest it’s a good idea for you to find some support for yourself here, to understand what is keeping you in a non supportive, controlling relationship and what you want next for yourself. We hope that helps.
I’m going through an abusive relationship where he always makes things up saying well u cheated on me and I never cheated he curses me out calls me out my name at the same time I’m pregnant and it’s really starting to take a toll on me.
Bryniesha, this is not normal or fair and is indeed abusive and a common tactic used by men to try and control women, trying to make them look bad when they have done nothing so the partner can then imply they have the right to treat you poorly when they absolutely do not. We do get many comments from women who are in abusive relationships but are pregnant or just had a child, sometimes it takes having a bigger priority like a child to wake us up so we can realise that we are not in a positive situation. We highly recommend you find support here. If you can’t afford counselling, look for a free hotline, or a charity that supports mothers, or a forum for women with controlling abusive partners. There is help out there. Do what you can to find it. We wish you courage.
Thank you for sharing this. I was once in an abusive relationship where I probably used all of these excuses throughout our entire marriage. I was finally able to leave it after many years and decided to write a book about it, in hopes to help others who are going through the same things. It’s called exactly how I feel: He Never Deserved Me
Congratulations on the book Ariana, we are sure it will be helpful for many.
I ended a 4.5 year on and off relationship nearly 12 months ago. In this relationship I found myself people pleasing, walking on eggshells to keep the peace and the relationship. He demonstrated passive aggressive conflict avoidance behaviour, ie: nothing was EVER resolved just swept under the carpet and yes I enabled this, sulking, stonewalling, deflecting, jealousy towards my treasured pets particularly an aged dog that was going on 20 years old and another dog that developed heart failure both needed extra care. He also cheated on me and promised to attend counselling around this but never committed to this. He suffered childhood sexual abuse and was adopted; I don’t see him as evil but understand that I could not expect to be with a man who has untreated issues of his nature and not expect that he has behaviour that’s evident of it. My problem now is that he moved on with someone else within a heart beat of us ending posting it all over FB, living with her within 4 months etc. I am now obsessed with them and if I see them together or hear about them I get a visceral reaction in my body and my grief is not leaving. I am not ‘moving on’ but doing everything necessary to move on; keeping active, not looking at FB, going on an occasional date. I have a lot of interests; walking, horse riding and friends and family attend regular counselling but it does not appear to be working. Why am I still obsessed and so sad that he has found someone and that this new relationship is ‘working for him?
Gosh that is really hard, and believe it or not actually common. There are many of us out there who, when rejected or abandoned, even if by someone we don’t even like, then become addicted/obsessed with that person. Why are there so many of us? Because this is a brain response created by childhood trauma. Sadly, many of us are traumatised as children in the society we live in. So this response won’t be about him or that relationship. (And we’d guess this might not be the first time you’ve felt this sort of response?) It will actually be deeply rooted in an experience from childhood that left you feeling abandoned/rejected/traumatised. Your visceral reaction is a PTSD-like reaction, it’s a cortisol rush most likely, a fight-flight-flee response. This is caused by trauma that leaves someone in a sort of long-term PTSD. We are willing to be there is even a fair amount of trauma in your childhood, and that is quite evident or you would never have chosen to go near a man who is so disturbed. General counselling can sometimes not work if there is a trauma incident, in fact sometimes it can make things worse! This is because just talking about trauma, if you have a form of long-term PTSD, can cause a sense of being re-traumatised. If any of this sounds possible, if there is trauma in your childhood, then you’d be best with a therapist who is trauma-based and integrates EMDR, then possibly CBT therapy which literally retrains the brain away from black/white thinking. Schema therapy might also be something to look into long-term. You might also find other forms of therapy that work with trauma that work for you, that are more alternative and outside our realm of expertise to mention.We say all this with the caveat that we don’t fully know you, so we are not able to give you any diagnosis, that this is just a series of suggestions based on what you mention. We hope it helps.
My husband constantly criticizes me. He tells me he’s being honest and I should know these things. His comments are you sweep to slow, you never cut a tomato right, talk louder, that sounded dumb and everyone else would think so too. He goes on to say that when I do these things I put him in a bad mood and that I annoy him and how he feels alone because I can’t have an intelligent conversation with him. I see his perspective that I can sweep faster or learn not to cut a tomato crooked and sometimes I do sound “blonde”. I’m at the point where I stone walling him because I can’t be the perfect person he wants me to be so it’s easier just to avoid all conversation with him. I know that’s not healthy for a relationship but I don’t know what to do. Is this constructive criticism or verbal abuse? Do I need work harder and always remember to talk Louder and think before I speak so I don’t say stupid things? What’s you take on this very narrow window of my life?
Kelli, we are of course only working with limited information that a comment can contain. We don’t know you or your husband or the full situation. But he sounds extremely critical and controlling. Picking on someone for the way they cut a tomato or sweep is horrible, and blaming you for how he feels about his life is really not healthy. It’s not constructive criticism it’s outright mean. You are basically living on eggshells always trying to do things ‘right’. That is not the way a relationship should be. It means you are being controlled and belittled. Is there anyone you can talk to? Is there any support for you here? we don’t know what country you are in, what your options are, how safe it is for you to reach out for help…
My family supports the person abusing me. My father even attracts women who are bossy and he is possibly a victim caught up in the abusive behavior, since he does support the person who is abusive in the family. I do not see any of the family members. I have felt the abuse since i was a child. I am 32.
Hi Trine, it sounds hard. But at the age of 32 you are a full grown adult who can make choices and who can walk away from abusive situations or set boundaries, family members or not. If you can’t, if your self esteem is too low and you struggle to be honest, set boundaries, and say no, that’s okay to. Many people have problems with this. But do seek counselling. A good counsellor will help you learn to step into your personal power and stop being put in the child box but become the woman in charge of her own choices. As for your father, unfortunately he is an adult too, free to make choices to lead his life the way he likes. If that is damaging to you, then it becomes about deciding how much contact you want to allow. You can’t control your father or his choices, but you can control what you allow in your life.
Hello, I have been married to an outwardly very nice and supportive man for nearly 25 years. However I fear, that I may be in an emotionally abusive marriage. The trouble is on the outside everything is fine. He has a very successful career, so much so that I don’t have to work, we have three fantastic children, a nice house, lots of wonderful foreign holidays, equaling what might appear an enviable lifestyle . An outsider may think I have nothing to worry or complain about.
Yet I am not emotionally happy. Throughout our marriage he has always but his career, the opinions and views of his side of the family , who do not accept me as I am not English, his interests and socialising with his colleagues first. He chooses where we holiday and when, any suggestions by me fall on deaf ears. He has always chosen where we live. At one point I was abandoned in the middle of hostile remote village completely isolated, while he carried on with his life. He has admitted that he is worried about losing me, yet treats me with contempt, refuses to discuss anything that doesn’t suit him or he finds uncomfortable to the point where arguments have developed out of sheer frustration. Instead of clearing the air, he proceeds to sulk, stonewall and shut me out. Until the next time I try to talk to him and he ignores me which inevitably leads me to becoming angry eventually. This cycle then repeats itself on and on.
A few years ago I had a mental breakdown due to his unreasonable and “odd” behaviour. I became convinced that he had an affair because he was so distant, cold and distracted and became very irritable with the children. We argued a lot and eventually I became so distressed that I tried to take my own life. ( Husband denies affair, “it all in my head “). I hospitalised and diagnosed with psychotic depression and emotional instability.
I had extensive therapy as a result for my “emotional difficulties “ and we even had couples counselling. During the sessions husband put on a perfect supportive partner cloak and was promptly proclaimed a saint for putting up with me.
However as soon as the therapy ended and I was discharged from the services, his controlling, manipulative and ostracising behaviour has returned.
I think, he has deliberately framed me as unstable in order to maintain control.
However as he has isolated me, had me labelled as mentally ill and has not physically attracted me, I cannot prove any of this.
Is it all possible that I might be right and am married to a controlling and manipulative man or is it really true that this is all in my head as he says?
Hi Hannah, anything is possible in this world we live in! We don’t know you or him, so we of course can’t diagnose anything over a comment box. But our questions here are nothing to do with him. Our questions are all to do with you. You are evidently feeling very unhappy, trapped, and a victim. And yet, if you have been together 25 years your children would not be terribly young at this point or even live at home one imagines? So we are not clear why exactly you are staying in a situation where you feel trapped, unhappy, and controlled? Do you have a life of your own in the form of friends, hobbies, a job? Do you have outlets to be yourself and grow your sense of identity and personal power? What would it feel like to take all the energy you are investing on trying to prove him wrong and put it all into getting to know yourself and your own power to make choices and create change in your life? Because the one thing we are sure of is that you can’t change him. You can’t make him be someone else. Nor can you change the past. But you have immense power to decide how you are going to feel, how you are going to let this determine your life ahead, what you are going to focus on, and what choices you are going to make to create the life you have left. We wish you courage.
I am having a very difficult time admitting that all of the stuff I am reading (and believe me I have read many things on this subject recently) applies to me. I have been married for going on 20 years. I have recently began questioning my husbands behavior toward me. I don’t know why all of a sudden I started to realize that the issue was his behaviour as I believed for many years his reactions were because of things I did. He is extremely critical of everything I do. Always saying :why would you…” to everything from which route I take while driving to what music I listen to. For many years I actually thought he was acting that way because I did something to make him. Also he is always accusing me of cheating. Calls my cell phone repeatedly if i am out with friends and if he doesn’t do that the his bad mood when i get home made me just not bother to go out for fear of having to deal with his emotional outbursts. Our children are older so that is not a reason to stay. I make the same amount of money as him so that’s not it either. I guess the reason is i have always felt these things were my fault and now see that isn’t the case.
Hi Christine, sometimes when kids leave home we have more time to think. It sounds like there are very real problems in your relationship you now have time to recognise. But this does not mean that they cannot be overcome. As it also sounds like there is not communication between you and there are patterns of each person blaming the other. Does he, for example, know how you feel? Have you directly told him? Do you tell him you will not stand for him accusing you of cheating? Or do you set no boundaries at all and just accept all? Sometimes we become so trapped in ways of relating we don’t know how to escape. On one hand he might want to hurt you, but on the other hand, given that it seems you don’t set boundaries, it could be that he is ‘acting out’ because you do not respond. We simply don’t know as we can’t say much based on a comment. In summary, we would recommend couples counselling if you are not sure that this is or isn’t a relationship worth saving. Otherwise we’d recommend you seek individual counselling so you can learn to raise your self-esteem and set boundaries and have enough confidence to leave if that is in fact what you want. All the best.
My husband and I are in our early ’60s and we have been married for almost 6 years. He has been emotionally abusive the entire time, with it becoming worse as time goes on. He has many good qualities and we have a good deal in common, and before we married we had long serious discussions regarding how we hoped our marriage and life would be together. We seemed to be in agreement then, and seemed to have worked out compromises in other areas. I trusted him 120% and loved him with all my heart. I own a house also, but he had horses and tractors and things so logistically it was best for me to relocate and commute to work until retirement. Unfortunately, as soon as I moved and we were married, the controlling and angry behavior showed itself immediately. I very quickly learned living with him that he is very protective of his things and money, that he insists on being in control of most everything. He has a very quick temper, and the smallest thing can set off off a major explosion. To something as small as putting a piece of paper in the wrong garbage bin….. To asking questions during a discussion, or just something I’m curious about… Since asking questions to him means his authority and intelligence is being questioned, or is just simply an annoyance. He goes into rages to keep control, to keep me walking on eggshells waiting for the next blow up, which happens weekly at least. He has called me the most disgusting and vile names, he has ridiculed and is jealous of my close relationship with my family. He is not close to his family and did not seem to enjoy being a parent. He doesn’t understand that I can love and spend time with my kids and grandkids, and love him too. He has said I need to make a choice. He threatens divorce when he is in a mad rage, usually yelling and screaming that he will go get a lawyer the next day and rake me over the coals and make sure I end up with nothing. And usually in a day or two he is calm again and saysbut he doesn’t really want a divorce he doesn’t want to lose me, but that he is tired of the fighting. Unfortunately, I have learned to fight back over the years And I have behaved in ways that I am not proud of well defending myself against his tirades. He truly cannot see that his angry controlling hurtful behavior causes the fights.
Where we are right now is that I have told him that I will not tolerate one more nasty outburst, and I will not continue to live where I am treated with no respect, consideration, affection or kindness. He he has finally admitted that his behavior is abusive, that I don’t deserve that, and says that he wants to make changes. I’ve heard all that before with the exception of him admitting his behavior is abusive. He normally blames his behavior on me. He has an appointment with a therapist this week. The fact that he has on his own decided to do therapy is stunning because he always has said he doesn’t believe in counseling and absolutely would not do it. Unfortunately after some comments this morning he made, I still don’t feel that he is very committed to doing therapy. I feel that he will try to manipulate the therapy, and I am sure that he will only tell the therapist his version of the truth and minimize the verbal and emotional abuse he has been inflicting for the past almost 6 years. He seems to have the idea that he will go to this first visit and the counselor will determine whether he needs therapy or not. That worries me, and I feel that he isn’t really as committed as he is initially said he is. This therapist specializes with adult males, particularly adult males with anger and control issues. I wonder though, how Will he know the full view of what’s been going on here and what my husband does so that he can help him? I don’t believe that my husband will tell him. So how will he be helped? Should the therapist be interested in talking to me at all? I want to be supportive of him while he’s doing counseling, but I would also like the therapist to have the full story of the seriousness of what my husband does. If he isn’t helped and the controlling, angry nastiness continues, our marriage is definitely over. I love the man for his good qualities, but the verbal and emotional abuse is more than I can take. There won’t be any more chances and I will be moving on if there are not drastic changes made.
Hi KM. So what you are presenting here is your husband as the total problem and the total controller and you as the person just caught up in the sway. You mention rather quickly that perhaps your own behaviour is not something you are proud of but then veer back to blaming him for all. Also note how detailed this story is, as if this is something you have repeated many times before. So we’d reframe this. We are not undermining your suffering, which we are sure is very real and very painful. But in our experience of toxic relationships, unless one partner has narcissistic personality disorder (and it does not seem your partner does) are far, far more complex that ‘bad person/good person’. You are choosing this relationship, as an adult with total free choice. You are not even bound by economic issues by the sounds of it, which does sadly and even tragically keep some women in bad relationships. Rather you choose it, and there will be reasons for that, and it would be best if you go to therapy yourself to explore those reasons and to look at what is really keeping you stuck in this relationship, as if you were really not getting anything out of it we imagine you would have left long ago. Sometimes we are deeply addicted to the drama and the story. Other times we have deep rooted ideas of ‘love’ that keep us mistaking it for toxic imposters. Note that we can’t be a victim and have power at the same time. By framing yourself as the victim you throw your power out the window. To gain your power to decide whether to leave often involves accepting your responsibility for choosing the relationship and for what you are bringing to the drama. Also note that you call him controlling, but then seem to want to control his experience of therapy. It’s totally unethical and could lose a therapist his job to share what happens with a client with anyone else including a partner. In summary, you can’t control or change anyone else. Ever. The only person you can change is you, and a healthy relationship can only happen if we are with someone we can accept fully and unconditionally. So we’d say seek support to get to the root of this addictive drama and to make the right decision for your future.Good luck.
what do you do when your parent cuts you off from friendships behind your back, while trying to convince you that they are your best friend? my parent often brings up embarrassing stories of me in group settings, and talks about me behind my back to her friends. she jokes a lot that i have bad social skills because im homeschooled but she keeps taking away chances for me to improve those skills. any tips?
Hi Audrey, sounds like you are really wanting some independence in life. Do you have any other places to meet people, any sort of social groups outside of being homeschooled? Where you get to go without your mother? As we notice that you say she talks to her friends, not your friends. Is there any way you could talk to your mother about wanting to have some independence? She might not even realise she is doing this. The best way to approach this is when you feel very calm and after you have done your research. Don’t attack her or say ‘you did this/you did that’ which will only cause upset and a fight. Just explain how you feel and the outcome you would like. “I feel that I am not getting enough of a chance to develop my social skills and I’d like to get out and meet people in my age group. I’ve found this interest group/ class/ youth group I’d like to try”. Of course if your country is in lockdown this might not be possible. So you might have time to work up your courage.
So I’m engaged to a person I went to school with. He made/makes a huge difference in my life, defending/protecting me. I know that I have undiagnosed psychological issues, I’m aware of & can use all sorts of manipulation,& am super sensitive to empathy, & body language, yet choose to avoid it’s use as it isn’t a genuine/honest choice that someone makes. I know myself incredibly well.
I know my partner is a schizophrenic psychopathic unreadable person, that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship, that he has cheated on me & tells me never bring it up again, that he is controlling but I allow it (yet I am constantly depleted, have no time to look after myself, no finances, no friends, or family) I consider him my best friend, but he appears to be multiple people, to suit what he wants. He can be very scary & violent suggestively, without any factual cause. I know he’s not physically well, & had heart attack recently, & we have beloved pets that’s ultimately his.
I get a lot of subject switching, blame of everything but no acceptance of any himself. I am 44, & he’s few months younger. He is supposed to be taking some serious medication to make him not dangerous to others. Plus epileptic meds etc, with monthly psychiatric appointments. He won’t do any of these. Won’t take his medication for some reason he won’t explain/answer, & whenever I bring anything up, he blames it on me being a occasional drinker, suggests rest, time of the month, potential pregnancy, nagging, controlling, needy, or being wet, acting like a victim for sympathy.
I’ve read the stuff above about the excuses & I am aware of doing several 100% intentionally. I’m very resourceful & I’ve tried loads of methods of encouragement to communicate, listen, answer truthfully, be a friend, partner, & it’s all shot down. I can’t see the pets on the streets, & I’m kinda resigned to waiting till he dies to have a life & pets safely again.
Good chance I’m venting because it’s utterly exhausting & miserable doing everything for everyone. I believe I need to at the very least get my own diagnosis confirmed, yet my doctor won’t refer me, or take me seriously. Preferring to call it some kind of substance abuse related condition from the past, depression, alcohol related, or hypochondria (it feels he’s responding towards. It is very possible to be some relation to all those things, if I weren’t able to throw myself back to my exact childhood self, before any of that happened. Perhaps this may be of use to someone else, as all mental disorders require a psychiatrist & GP’s are unqualified to do anything but badly medicate physical disorders.
My GP told me there was a 2 year wait to see a psychiatrist & I he wasn’t sure if it was even necessary. I’ve done unbiased research & I need a professional diagnosis on me, let alone the partner. I have no money, no resources, & ridiculously little time to do anything for myself. I am open to all suggestions though, I can’t continue like this as I have nothing left to give, yet can not leave.
Hi there Lisa. A psychiatrist in the UK offers ‘official’ diagnosis, medication, and a treatment plan. They then generally refer you on to other therapists for treatment. An official diagnosis is necessary if you want health insurance to cover your treatment, for example. But if you don’t have insurance and don’t want medication, you don’t have to see a psychiatrist to seek treatment. You can seek a therapist who works with your issue. For example, if you think you have a personality disorder, you can go directly to see a psychotherapist without a diagnosis. If you are on a low budget there are quite a few low cost/free options for talk therapy here in the UK, read our article here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. This could includes going back to your GP and asking for a therapy referral, which will be faster access than psychiatry. You say you have no time, we aren’t clear on why as you say you have no finances so we aren’t sure if you have a job, but therapy does involve prioritising your time, it’s a time and energy commitment you have to choose to make. As for your relationship, it seems that your focus is clearly on your partner. The trouble is that we can’t change anyone else, ever. We only have agency over ourselves. We can’t single handedly force a relationship to be different, it has to come from both partners. It doesn’t seem that you are currently wanting to leave this relationship, but if you do, there are charities in the UK that help women get access to things like housing and jobseeker’s allowance so they can be independent, and even a charity that temporarily rehouses pets if a partner is abusive and a woman worries the animals would be hurt if she leaves. You might want to contact your local Mind charity branch if you are want advice over any of this. Best, HT.
I am trying to find the courage to leave a 15-year relationship where I have suffered physical, emotional and verbal abuse. He has spat in my face, pulled my hair, thrown things at me, grabbed me by the ears etc. That seems to have stopped but the emotional and verbal abuse continues with name-calling, being told I am stupid, crazy, have issues etc etc. I moved into his ex-martial home but I am nothing more than a glorified border. I am not allowed to move anything, bring in my furniture, etc. His ex-wife’s cookbooks are still on display. His adult children still rule the roost even though they have all moved out – he keeps their rooms as they left them several years ago. He refuses to move to a smaller more modern house – one I could have part ownership in. He has categorically stated he will never own a home with me nor marry me. Why I stay is beyond me. I am an educated smart female yet don’t seem to be able to find the strength to leave? I cannot believe I find myself in this position.
Hi Janet, use the search bar to find our two articles on ‘trauma bonding’ we think that will really help you understand this situation. You see the reason that smart women can’t leave abusive relationships is that they are essentially addicted, and that this can be an addictive pattern to pain that goes right back to childhood. Just like a drug addict can’t just ‘stop’ taking drugs, it’s incredibly hard to give up a trauma bond without help. We’d highly advise you seek support, a support group or a counsellor who understands. Best, HT.
Thank you for your reply. Trauma bonding is a new term to me and I have read your articles and they resonate with me in many respects. However, I had a wonderful loving childhood with two parents who sacrificed a lot so their 3 children did not go without so my current position is not a result of some deep-seated childhood issue. I will look deeper into trauma bonding now, so thank you. I have walked away from unsatisfactory relationships before without a second thought so why I find myself trapped in an abusive relationship is mystifying. Regards Janet
Hi Janet, everyone has their own unique reasons and we don’t know you so very hard to say much over a comment box, the trauma bonding is something we wanted to mention as it’s very common and we know a lot of readers do read the entire comment stream so at very least can speak to others but yes maybe not the issue in your case. So we’d highly recommend you reach out for support and spend proper time exploring this with a therapist who can get to know you and your entire situation. What we do find interesting though is the phrase “who sacrificed a lot so their children did not go without’. You see you are looking at your childhood from an adult perspective. But that’s not what creates who we are. It’s how our child brain saw things. That is a tremendous stress for any child to live under, and can lead to guilt, codependency, and then patterns of self-sabotage and punishment as an adult if deep down we think we aren’t worthy of all that sacrifice. Again, we don’t know you, we have no idea about your childhood, but we always have a bit of a red flag if anyone feels their childhood was ‘wonderful’. Most childhoods are a mix of good and bad, and if we aren’t thriving as an adult, there is generally something worth looking at and healing. This is not in anyway to say it’s ‘our parents fault’, not at all, just that we need to access how our brain processed something and how it might have created a set of unconscious beliefs that are still holding us back. Or you might find in therapy it comes from a more recent experience, although generally this level of addiction to pain has some older roots. Best, HT.
I believe I am in a abusive relationship. Nothing I do is ever good enough for my husband and there is no way of pleasing him unless I exactly do what he wants the way he wants it. First he was “just giving advice” on what I “should” wear, then there was name calling, threats that he will leave and statements that I am just too stupid and an embarrassment to him. I am autistic, but I am also not stupid, I have achieved degrees in several languages and lived in different countries, standing on my own two feet. His behaviour however has made me feel so small and worthless. He is just constantly angry at me, blames me for everything and I am not allowed to say or be how I really feel. He admits that he needs to feel in control since he had a stroke as he had to relearn everything, from walking to reading and writing. I admire him for his success and bravery, but I do not deserve to be punished for the fact that he hates his life now because of the person he has become. He has such a short fuse and never asks for help, just instantly shouts at me for not helping. But if I do offer to help he shouts at me because he assumes I offer help because I think he is stupid and incapable. I do not, I just try to navigate my life with the least amount of abuse as I cannot take any more. I have turned into a person who does not want to live anymore because I feel so unloved and disrespected. But I do not have the means to getout as I owe a lot of money due to him and him not holding a job down long enough in the past.