Are You Emotionally Repressed? How to Tell
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 6, 2023
By: Skyler King
We all suppress our emotions when, say, midway through a presentation we remember a recent breakup and feel sad.
A healthy person can then later release those emotions in the company of friends, or when alone with their journal and a box of tissues.
The problem arises when our emotions are so repressed, not only do we hide how we feel in public? We just don’t know how we feel even when alone, or when with people we care about.
[How do you end up the sort who is emotionally repressed? Read our connected article, “What are Repressed Emotions?“]
How do I know if I am emotionally repressed?
An interesting sign that you are emotionally repressed can be that you hate being asked how you feel about something or someone. This question, innocently asked by another, will leave you feeling blank, speechless, powerless and confused, or alternately disproportionately annoyed, as if someone is violating your privacy by asking it.
If you are emotionally repressed, showing or understanding your emotions will be a problem in all areas of your life, not just some. So if you are affectionate and open with friends and family but struggle to relax around colleagues, it could be more a case of something like new job jitters or a personality clash.
[Think your problem has to do with anger? Read our connected piece on Repressed Anger .]
Symptoms and signs of repressing emotions
There are general signs of repression, as well as relating signs and related psychological issues.
General signs you are emotionally repressed
You will find that youL:
- feel uncomfortable around highly emotional people
- secretly think anger and sadness are ‘bad’
- rarely if ever cry or yell
- overreact when angry or sad (blowing up when you are asked to dry the dishes more carefully)
- think you feel ‘fine’ all the time and see yourself as ‘laid back’ and ‘easygoing’
- have phases of relying heavily on escape hobbies, like binge watching TV, video games, and oversleeping
- have experiences you are not sure you enjoy but you just let them happen
- take the time to hear your thoughts, it’s negative thinking or criticisms of yourself and/or others
- feel a need to be in control of things.
Relating signs
Relating signs of repression can mean you:
-
By: Barry Silver
rarely if ever open up to people but prefer to be private
- seem really open and chat up a storm with strangers, but the real you is still hidden
- might even be the ‘clown’, always making everyone else laugh but hiding your own feelings
- have few truly close friendships, and struggle with intimacy or have a fear of intimacy
- say nothing if someone does something that bothers you, then plan to slowly back out of the relationship, or to secretly ‘get back at them’ in your own time.
Connected psychological issues
Related psychological issues can mean that you:
- feel low and tired for no real reason, or are mildly depressed
- experience low-level anxiety or ongoing stress
- suffer from low self-esteem
- have a mind that is foggy and unclear, or are forgetful and absent-minded
- use self-destructive behaviours, such as overeating and drinking too much
- struggle with weight issues
- suffer constant flus and cold (low immune system)
- have sleep problems.
What do others say?
Still not sure if you are emotionally repressed? It might be helpful to consider the feedback others often give you. Have you often been told that ‘you have a wall’, that ‘there is something fake about you’, or that you are ’emotionally cold’? Or even that you are passive aggressive? These can be signs you have a backlog of hidden emotions that need to be expressed.
Examples of being emotionally repressed
By: Mark B. Schlemmer
So how might these symptoms of being emotionally repressed work in real life? Let’s look at a few scenarios.
You have been dating someone for quite a while, when they ask you what you think about them, you panic. You are tongue tied. They persist with the question. You suddenly feel quite resentful and angry. Over the next few weeks, they keep bringing it up, and the more they do, the more distant you feel. Finally, they end the relationship. You feel numb inside and decide it was never love anyway.
Plus you are sure you are a happy go lucky person, you really are. You never feel bad, not at all, and you have tons of friends! And you try your best to never be alone… if you have to be by yourself you are calling or texting people or you binge watch television and overeat. It’s just that when you are alone you feel bored and uncomfortable. Suddenly, one day at work, someone criticises an assignment you have done and you feel so furious you almost throw something at them. You don’t know where the anger comes from, and it doesn’t fit with your idea that you are a good person all the time.
You don’t see yourself as emotionally repressed. Your childhood was not great, but nothing that bad happened. You drink every night and are about fifty pounds overweight but you tell yourself it’s normal. Sometimes you feel really lonely. So you drink or eat more. One day a friend tells you that they are starting to think their parents never really loved them. You find it overemotional and too dramatic and begin to slowly distance yourself from that friend.
What should I do if this sounds like me?
Being emotionally repressed can make life very difficult, and can be connected to serious psychological issues, all of which is covered in our connected piece, “What Are Repressed Emotions?“.
It’s a good idea to seek support if you think you are emotionally repressed. Repressed emotions are often connected to difficult experiences in the past, so trying to navigate it all alone can be overwhelming. A trained counsellor or psychotherapist can create a safe and supportive environment for you to access and process old emotions. They can also help you make new decisions that see you move forward in life.
Harley Therapy puts you in touch with some of London’s top counselling psychologists and psychotherapists at central and prestigious locations. If you aren’t in the UK, we also connect you with Online Therapists.
Andrea M. Darcy is a health and wellbeing writer as well as mentor who often writes about trauma, relationships, and ADHD. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
I can’t help feeling that so many of us are emotionally repressed in some way or the other. Very interesting article. Thanks for sharing,
Kind regards,
Harsha
Yes, we think so! Sadly we live in a society that encourages us to wear many masks and to delegate some emotional states as ‘bad’.
I am so guilty of all the symptoms.
I was always hiding who i am.
Yes, many of us hide our authentic selves. But it’s great you have the self awareness, it means you can now make steps to move forward.
Having read this blog, everything rings true with my experience. Thank you for sharing and I will work to my changing self.
Thank you John, glad it helped. We hope that self-compassion and self acceptance can be part of the journey of change. In fact we don’t like to say ‘change yourself’ we prefer to think that we are all resourceful and some of us just have a need to find the inner resources they have lost sight of or never realised were there. it’s a case of bringing other things to the surface and finding balance over ‘change which we feel implies someone isn’t good enough as is when they are. Hope that helps.
I’m just starting to understand repressed emotions. I’m surprised I’m not alone.
Not at all alone. Many of us have this issue….
I know I hide my emotion, but I don’t know how to escape since, well,I hide my emotions from the world. Do you have advice for a lonely girl wanting to feel again?
Hi Elizabeth, you say ‘girl’, but we don’t know how old you are. If you are a teenager, then feelings of loneliness, confusion, and a fear of sharing emotions are in some ways ‘normal’. A teen brain is still growing, and the teen years are about figuring out who you are, which can be really confusing. So try to be gentle with yourself. Don’t compare yourself to others or feel you are doing things ‘wrong’ all the time. Take things one day at a time. To share you feelings, also, you need to know what they are, which is hard when we are a teen as we are so full of hormones. Journalling can be really helpful. Next question, do you have any friends you trust? Or a family member you can talk to? If not, do you have hobbies or passions that mean a lot to you? Are there are groups near you where you could meet others who also share your interests? It is the easiest way to connect, through things you love, instead of pretending to be interested in things you don’t like. If you ever feel really low, do call a helpline. Most countries have free helplines for young people who are struggling, for example, you can read about helplines here in the UK in our article bit.ly/mentalhelplines
All the listed signs I see in myself. I thought I was just being a good person for stopping myself feeling these bad emotions, but I always have…how do I say,,,a price? I’m not sure if this completely changes things and no longer qualified for repressed emotions, but as I hold back emotions, it stresses me out and I end up releasing it in anger or sadness(more commonly sadness) that overloads me and I break down. Of course people ask me whats wrong and I tell them it’s nothing because my feeling are irrelevant to their life.
Hi Katie, thanks for sharing. Yes, unfortunately we still live in a society where many of us feel trapped in social circles or families that encourage us to hide our feelings and experiences. It’s actually not a good thing at all and in the long term can cause real issues. It’s a much better idea to learn how to express your feelings and communicate them in non harmful ways. You might want to start with journalling and mindfuless. But it’s also really helpful to work with a counsellor. We wish you courage!
I’m hearing a few female voices in my head and they say things that trigger negative emotions and feelings but instead of feeling them I push them to the back. When something is sad it’s like I can’t cry at all then it makes me mad because I can’t cry. I have anger outbursts all the time over little stuff. I try and ignore them and when I can they go to the back of my mind like there very faint. I know one is fear another is anger, shame, guilt, etc…I’m in a pattern of negative thinking all the time and my brain does NOT Shutdown. When the voice begins to talk it’s like I go into thinking mode. As soon as I wakeup that’d all I hear is the voices and it’s hard to ignore. I believe I deff have repressed emotions/feelings. They say things all the time to make me mad as well. One will even sound like my mother’s voice because it just makes me feel nervous, fearful, etc.. To hear her voice. As I type this I can relate to when the voices talk there saying stuff to bring up negative emotions and feelings. I REALLY need help! Thanks!
Nina believe it or not a lot of us have one of our parents voices in our heads if we had a criticising difficult parent and have not healed that part of our life! It sounds like you are being really tormented by your thinking. You might want to look into cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). It’s short term, you don’t have to go too much into your past, it’s all about learning how to not be controlled by your thinking. If you are in the UK, you can talk to your GP as the NHS offers this type of therapy.
I push feelings down. Then they surface a bit and it makes me push people away. Then I mellow out for awhile as if those feelings are gone. Sometimes I just want to hide from the world and scream for no particular reason
Something I’m sure many readers can relate to, Julie. And all more than worth talking to a counsellor about.
I had a feeling that this is what I was doing so for the past year or so, I’ve been trying to fix it and when you say it’s overwhelming to do on your own, you couldn’t be anymore right. I tried to share with a counselor the other day, just chatting, and my voice was shaky, I started to sweat, and I was so tense I almost ripped off a part of my phone case just because it was in my hand. It’s a good thing that I was curious enough to look up what this meant, I’ve quite honestly just been thinking that I’m weak.
Hi Jolie, there is nothing weak about doing our best in life and possible repressing things as we feel that makes getting by easier. In fact we believe that most humans do the best they can with what they are given, and ‘weak’ is really not a good word to describe anyone. In any case, really good to hear that you have some support in the form of a counsellor! Yes, hard to unpack alone. The brain is smart, and it’s hard to heal our mind’s habits with our own mind! We tend to trick ourselves that we are fine when we aren’t. It’s interesting your bodily reaction. The body never lies, even if the mind does, so definitely there is stuff to come out there. We wish you courage!
I like this article a lot, and as a therapist and writer, I’d like to quote / paraphrase some of the content in an upcoming book. It’s hard to tell who the author is, and whether there is a printed / published version of this article aside from the blog post. I’ll send an email to the site, so do look out for it. Thanks! Lisa
Thanks Lisa! We’ll respond to your email.
I just admitted on a forum site that i have problems with this and are working at being more honest with myself and others. Especially as a parent i have identified that I disconnect from my emotions and are not truly authentic to my child. It does make me sad and I am really working on this. It was hard to acknowledge and admit too. I felt I got shamed by the person running the group who wrote back saying how important honesty was and then swore saying how wrong being ******* repressed was. by the person running the group who had put up something about repressed emotions. I am trying my best and felt good about acknowledging my problem but now just feel not good enough!
Lorena, we are sorry to hear that about the forum. That is NOT a good way to run any forum on mental health. Unfortunately an internet forum can be started by anyone. The fact that you were making so much effort shows that you have courage and really care about doing the best for your child. Please give yourself some credit. Repressing our emotions tends to come from difficult childhood experiences, and many of us who repress have low self-esteem as is, we don’t need to be made to feel worse. Consider this- probably, as a child, you had to repress your real feelings to survive. Perhaps if you showed your real feelings you were punished, for example. So repressing your feelings was smart back then. It was the best you could do. It’s just that as adults we don’t know how to stop these ways of being that helped us as a child but don’t help us now. We’d highly suggest you do what you can to seek good support, someone who is trained at listening and doesn’t judge. That might be a proper in-person support group run by a therapist or charity, or best, working with a counsellor you can grow to trust. If you are on a low budget, you can find ideas for finding low cost therapy here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. We wish you courage!
Oh wow. A lot of this really clicked with me. Especially the “leaving your friends” part. I am horrible at that. I will have a really close friend and I end up feeling way too intense feelings for them that I feel are not requited, so I pull myself back and don’t see them so I can disconnect. I am doing that right now, actually. I had intense feelings for her (I’m a female myself) but not anymore because I put like two months of space between us. Sometimes I get really tense when she gets brought up in conversation. But other than that, I feel numb to it. My mind is always, always foggy and I forget what I did the day before- sometimes trying to think what I did that morning is hard. I feel like I am not there most times. I do catch myself hating myself a lot and saying bad things about everyone. And the self destruction! I am in my senior year of high school and I skip a lot because I have overwhelming anxiety and I don’t live with my mom, so I don’t have an authority that would care anyways. I just skipped 2 months of school and finally got the balls to go back. I lost my job because of ride issues and spent the remain money I had irresponsibly. I wrecked my car by abusing the breaks by not maintaining them wracking up a large bill. Through all of this, I feel so numb. I’ve always been so confused by why I am so disconnected.
Hi Jessie, it sounds like a lot of anxiety and there do seem to be deeper issues going on (you mention you don’t live with your mom). Do you have someone to talk to? We’d suggest you try to find some support. Would you be willing to talk to a school counsellor? If not read our article on finding support as a teen http://bit.ly/teenmentalthealthhelp and also, if you are having a really bad time at any point, don’t be afraid to call a help line, that is what they are there for and you’ll find a really understanding person on the other end of the phone. If you are in the UK here is a list of ones to call http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. And finally, go easy on yourself. Being a teen can be really hard. You are getting by, and that is sometimes the best we can do, and that’s ok.
I can relate to this a lot, on the one hand people think I am this laid back witty person which I enjoy being but on the other hand I have an intense anger at things not being the way I think they should be at work or not being taken seriously enough – none of which gets expressed – it just remains as negative thoughts which I engage with on a very regular basis. I wish I could actually be the person that people actually think I am. On a different note I appreciate how you have replied to people’s posts with advice and empathy instead of using it as an opportunity to sell a product.
I had someone tell me today that they have lived with me for years, and can never tell when I’m upset, and can never really get a read on me. I also seem to be good at hiding not just feelings, but everything. I.e. most people cannot tell when I’ve been drinking, even when I feel extremely intoxicated.
Mark, that must be tremendously lonely.We find that many male clients have spent their live taking on board a message then men should be strong, unemotional. It’s a very unfortunate thing in our society that still persists. And if you add in some sort of childhood trauma or neglect to that mix, or even just poor parenting, where a child is taught they have to be ‘good’ to deserve attention and love instead of being accepted all the time as they are? You end up as an adult who is so adept at hiding things he also hides himself from himself, and often wonders, who is he, really? In any case, all great things to go to therapy over, these things can be worked on and you can see great improvements.
Rachel, what we are picking up on here is actually self judgement and low self-esteem – a real sense you have to be some other perfect, happy self to be loved. This often comes from parenting where you were only shown love or attention if you were a ‘good girl’, instead of receiving love no matter how you felt or were behaving. There are so many ways to work on this that will help you see results. You might want to use the search bar to find our articles on self compassion as a good start, and then our articles on negative thinking and balanced thinking.
“Seek support” annoying and useless. People online give themselves too little credit, like they can’t help. But trained professional psychologists are just people talking and thinking like normal friends. Giving the advice to go see a professional is only so you dont have to actually try to help. Of course I’m emotionally repressed, people should be. But I’ve been seeing psychotherapists for years, and none of them are helpful at all.
Hi there,.that’s a whole lot or rage going on. And we are sorry to hear you feel so let down by the world. Do you want to be helped? Or do you just want to be angry at everyone? Because the best therapist in the world can’t help you if you don’t want to be helped. Which means that you too, are potentially letting yourself down. If you want others to give you what you need, you have to start giving yourself what you need, you have to believe you are worthy of change in the first place and actually deserve to feel good. You have to accept that you aren’t perfect and neither is anyone else, not even the best therapist in the world. We are all humans doing the best we can. If you are bothering to read blogs and see therapists at all, we’d suspect a part of you doesn’t want to stay this way, and yearns to feel cared for and listened to. We hope this happens for you. All the best.
i don’t feel anything, like neither happy or sad. my brain is foggy all the time and i can barely remember what happened to me a few hours ago. i barely care about hygiene and school work but sometimes i worry about it so much yet i don’t do anything. i feel really tired and unmotivated almost every day. i still smile and laugh at some things ( it has been reduced ) but in the inside i still feel like i’m surrounded by darkness? i don’t know. it’s the best way i can explain what i’m feeling. i also get irritated by most things, it happens at least 2 or 3 times a day, maybe?? other than that i feel nothing. does this still mean i’m repressing emotions?
Hi Asteria, you are describing the symptoms of depression. Do you have access to support? Or someone who can help you get some? It would be great to see a counsellor. If you are in the UK you can talk to your GP who can refer you.
This really hit home with me. I’ve never been particularly emotional as my parents were very stoic people. But having been through a trauma recently I am really struggling with sadness. I know I am not dealing with it well, but I don’t know how to talk to anyone, even my wife. She tries to get me to open up but I really struggle because I was brought up to believe that nobody cares about how you feel and that you should just keep it to yourself.
Hi Claire, the way we process emotions can indeed by influenced by modelling, learned behaviours. So now you are an adult and can make choices for yourself, what to you want to believe about emotions and sharing? What would it look like and feel like to believe those things instead?
I suffer from excessive displays of emotion and weight issues so its possible that I could have repressed emotions. But I also have always had difficulties with socializing and interacting with people so I guess I have repressed emotions I didn’t think I did.
Hi Gordon, try not to be hard on yourself about it. We are not living in a world (despite a lot of improvements and a better focus on the importance of mental health) where we are all encouraged to be honest about our feelings and experiences. Sometimes we had difficult childhoods that mean we have experiences we need to work through. Other times we simply have a personality ‘disorder’ which means we see the world in a different way than others so emote and relate differently. Best thing to do, if it is worrying you, is try to find a counsellor you like who you can explore these issues with. Best, HT
I went through a mild depression in my early 20s as a 23 year old in 2015 and it started to lift in late 2017. I spent a great deal of those years indoors, crying almost everyday, eating and sleeping, bingeing on series and cut contact from almost everyone related to the source of my pain (church hurt). I barely remember anything from those years. I’m 28 years old now and I still struggle with my weight, and although I don’t cry as much as I did before – not that I want to, I still am emotive but I can’t actually cry as much as I “should” over certain issues. There are rare times when out of nowhere, some of the repressed traumatic memories from 2015 resurface and I realize that they’re repressed memories because I’d “forgotten” them and hadn’t dwelled on them before and because of my psychology studies. At best, nowadays, I get one heavy tear instead of a stream. At the risk of self diagnosis, am I emotionally repressed? If so, how can I heal?
Sounds like you went through real trauma Quelinda. We wouldn’t say that the diagnosis would be ‘repressed’ we’d say you experienced trauma and now have periods of depression. You are processing memories as you feel able. We would highly suggest support here. Have you talked to a counsellor or psychotherapist? When we have trauma we can either suffer for years, slowly processing it ourselves, or we can find a professional trained at helping people with trauma who can create a safe space and offer us the tools to process faster and also cope better.
I lived in a boarding school for 3 years at a young age(13 to 15)… I didn’t have friends and was surrounded by elder bullies who seem to have completely disregarded the fact that I was just a 13 year old kid. I didn’t have anyone to rely on but myself most of the time. It was just like a typical highschool but you’re stuck there whole day for 3 year. I was sent home in my first year(at 13) for self harming but my dad didn’t really help me, I knew he was trying to but he just kinda gave me a lecture about how I shouldn’t let bullies affect me(yk usual fatherly stuff) but he had a completely different idea of what was happening, he had no idea about my crippling low self esteem and idk why I didn’t want him to know about it either, I just wanted to go back so I can prove to him I’m not weak by not giving anyone a chance to complain. At the age of 14 I’m pretty sure i had atleast mild depression, I used to think I was being lazy and literally tortured myself to appear normal. Nobody suspected anything but I wanted to lock myself in a room and never open it. My basic coping mechanisms were reading the hell out of any book I could find and suppressing the hell out of anything I felt (partially because feeling like I’m going to be attacked all the time became kind of a norm) …….. Okay, it’s not as sad as it sounds, words always tend to exaggerate experiences. I had good moments too, it’s not that bad. But I just never want to put my guard down, it’s terrifying. More because I don’t know what is actually inside. I want to find out.
Hi VK, great to hear you want to find out. There’s a lot going on here, not just the bullying. Would you consider going to see a counsellor or therapist to talk about all of this? We think you’d find it very helpful. We don’t know how old you are now, but if you are 18 or under and need parental permission to seek support, we have an article here on how to talk to your parents about mental health and getting help http://bit.ly/talktoparents . Best, HT.
My parents are very strict, they are very judgmental. Whenever I like or think of something, I just don’t say it, for fear of what they tell me. In my daily life I always try to be happy with everyone else, I have a hard time showing my real feelings with someone. My parents want me to be the perfect girl and that affects me too much in everything. I do not know what to do. Whenever I want to cry, I repress it, so they don’t ask me what’s wrong.
I am afraid of having a relationship with someone, for the simple fact that we break up and that it is because of me. I always hide everything.
Everyone has me as someone happy, but at night I just want to cry.
Hi Gia, we are going to assume you are under the age of 18 and still living at home. It sounds like a tough situation. You can’t change your parents, so you are left to try to navigate this as best as you can until you can move out and be an independent adult. Most people with difficult parents find their life becomes much better when they leave home and start making decisions for themselves. And talk to anyone you do trust about it if you can, support really helps, if you have a friend perhaps, or if there is an adult you trust like a teacher or school counsellor. Of course this doesn’t mean your relating issues will magically go away when you leave home. When we grow up in an unsupportive family we can end up with anxious attachment and codependency (use our search bar to find our articles on these). So if you find you struggle to know who you are and are always pleasing others it’s a great idea to start reading self help books about codependency and self esteem, as well as see a counsellor when you are old enough to book sessions without parental approval (18 and over). If you are by chance already 18, and are at college or university, note that most schools now offer free or low cost counselling and it’s worth looking into it. It’s hard being young, it’s the time we are realising our parents make mistakes and we want to be our own person, and we have to figure out who that person is. Try to take it one day at a time. Best, HT.
I chose a partner when I was younger who I loved but, left our gay relationship. To pursue a women even though we were still together she was 16 he (she was a he then body builder size) was 28 and I was 18. She is also a women now, not a joke or to be insulting. He did hurt me physically because I was deeply depressed that we were living together and he and his girlfriend refused to leave. After he attacked me I sent him to prison and he transitioned after and hunted me down when I was 28 demanded to be forgiven. That was many years on going up to a year ago. I’m 29 now and I feel sometimes when I bring up my feelings and my frustration of feeling inadequatecy and fears to my mom more often than not she cries. I recommended seeking help and I have but, I feel sometimes because I somewhat have a grasp on deeply describing my emotions. With a mask of confidence and suggest solutions. Therapists have said I have been copping well and I don’t feel like they are connected because I try hard to convince them otherwise. Even though I know my goal I try fast track out and not go back. Other people not therapists have said that talking to me has felt like I had psychopathic tendencies. I tend to « trauma dump » when the thoughts and memories are eerie clear. People don’t like it and say it’s almost emotionally abusive, but I don’t know if I can help it. I believe it to be emotionally repression 80% of the time. accompanied by fits of random crying, deep pains in my thighs, tense wood like limbs, difficulty bending my joints even they don’t normally ever hurt, difficulty being able to stop my physical symptoms from triggering an emotional response. Sometimes my body tenses and I don’t understand why and then I can’t eat or sleep. Other days my mental state is bad and I know why I’m upset but I binge eat and sleep 12 hours. I’m very thin very confused, but I’m most scared that a mental health journey may paint me in a different light to my friends and peers. That I will have new label like gay for people use against me, I’ve been told I have thin personality boundaries, so I pick bad people and am influenced easily. I normally try to stay alone.
Thank you for discussing this. I like reading articles that discuss a person’s behavior, health, and well-being. I love understanding myself and the people around me to be more sensitive about their thoughts and feelings.