Fear of Commitment – What’s It Really About?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 14, 2023
Do you have a secret fear of commitment?
What is it that leaves you afraid to commit to relationships, when others seem to have no issue?
And why is it so hard to get over commitment phobia?
Is fear of commitment a psychological condition?
Fearing commitment is not a psychological condition in and of itself. But it is usually connected to one, or several, deeply rooted psychological issues.
Psychological issues are not created in a day. So they can’t be ‘fixed’ in a day. This explains why you promise yourself you’ll commit, but continue to get involved with unavailable sorts, run away from relationships, or use a push-pull pattern.
Can one ‘bad’ relationship give you a fear of commitment?
If you didn’t have any other issues you’d have enough resilience to get over a bad relationship. You would learn from it and try another, healthier relationship. But if you develop commitment phobia, or keep choosing unhealthy partners it’s impossible to commit to, it would point to pre-existing psychological issues.
So just what are these psychological issues that cause fear of commitment?
5 Psychological Issues That Contribute to Fear of Commitment
1. Attachment Issues.
Attachment theory states that in order to evolve into an adult that can feel safe and happy in a relationship, we need to have proper ‘attachment’ as an infant and young child. This means from birth until well into childhood we had at least one adult we could trust to love us and take care of us, no matter our behaviour or moods.
By: rabiem22
Many of us don’t experience this trusted bond. We have a parent who is not emotionally or mentally well, and is unable to be consistent in their love and affection.
This might be a stressed parent, an addict parent, a parent who had a difficult childhood themselves, or just a parent who didn’t really want to be parent. Regardless, we grow up without patterns of secure attachment.
So we end up with ‘anxious’ or ‘avoidant’ attachment patterns, which are pretty much as they sound, and make commitment very hard.
[For more on this, read our article on “What is Your Attachment Style?“.]
2. Low Self-Esteem.
Is it not just relationships you can’t commit to, but really, well…. anything? Do you find yourself shying away from things like buying a house, getting married, choosing a career, or even big goals and new friendships? It could be that you suffer from low self-esteem.
If we don’t think we are worthy or capable of success we’ll avoid any sort of situation we’d have to even try to do well.
3. Childhood trauma.
Childhood trauma leaves us unable to trust, and we need to trust to commit to relationships.
Trauma does not have to mean living through a natural disaster or being sexually abused. (Although both are very traumatic. And abuse is a sadly common form of trauma).
Keep in mind that childhood trauma is what your child brain perceived as traumatic, not your adult brain.
Something like parents leaving you with grandparents for six months, for example, might be something you can rationalise now. But your childhood brain likely programmed it as complete abandonment.
4. Personality Disorders.
Personality disorders mean that since at least your teenage years your ways of thinking and behaving leave you far outside the ‘norm’. Because of this, relationships tend to be a real struggle with most personality disorder diagnoses.
In a case like borderline personality disorder (BPD) there is usually both trauma and attachment issues, but they are combined with a strong fear of abandonment which is a main symptom of the disorder.
5. Negative Core Beliefs.
Core beliefs are the assumptions about yourself, others and the world that you unconsciously take as facts and live your life by.
By: James Lee
In the case of a commitment phobia, these beliefs might sounds like, “I am not worthy of love”, ‘love is dangerous’, ‘if I commit to something it will go wrong’, or ‘I am not worthy of good things’.
But before you jump to conclusions…
Yes, many people with commitment phobia have the above issues.
But there is another very good reason you might be afraid of commitment and it’s one not enough articles talk about.
It’s possible that you don’t want to commit to a relationship because it is simply not the right relationship for you!
Are you 25 or under, and afraid to commit to someone who is pressuring you to date? And feel you ‘should’ want to commit and ‘can’t understand your problem’? Here is a VERY important truth.
Despite films, books, and online media bombarding you with the idea that ‘normal’ people are always in love? It’s not at all true. If you don’t want to commit to someone it might just be that despite the other person being nice, or good looking, or smart…. you just don’t want to date them.
There is no need to rush into being with someone. Trust your instincts and don’t push yourself into an experience you are not ready for. If your body is not attracted to someone, if you feel at all uncomfortable around them, listen to yourself.
If the other person is at all pressuring you, especially physically, to do things you don’t want, walk away.
You are you, not your friends, not other people, and not what you read on the internet.
When you are ready to commit you will know it, and it will be with someone you can be yourself around.
Need help with your fear of commitment? Harley Therapy connects you with top therapists in central London locations, and now worldwide via online from our new therapist directory.
Have a question about fear of commitment? Post below in our public comment box.
Should you stay with someone who is scared of commitment if they say they will get help? I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year. We had a rocky start because I’d come out of an abusive relationship, and he’d come out of a string of failed relationships which he claims always ended out of nowhere. I’ve been in extensive therapy to get over my past which has been very helpful. However, over the year, my boyfriend gets uncomfortable whenever I mention feelings, and claims he can’t fully love me until he ‘truly knows me’ – always making it my fault for us not feeling safe. It all finally clicked in therapy and I told him he’s got to stop projecting onto me. That it’s actually HIS issues that are causing our problems, and he totally backed down and accepted it. He said this is always his way in relationships and, when I suggested he get help, he said yes. We are taking a few days to think about it. He has booked an assessment. But…I’m not sure what I can do. Do I stay with him while he works through this? Or will I continue to get hurt by his push-pull tendancy? I love him and we are mostly very happy together, apart from this blockage. Is it naive to think we can push through this and find true, lasting intimacy?
Maureen there is no formula for the perfect relationship or the perfect person. So we can’t tell you the future. On one hand, you both sound like you haven’t had a healthy relationship before. On the other, what we can see is two people making a lot of effort, which matters. And it does sound like you are able to communicate, which is also a positive. But the question here is maybe not the right question. The question here might be, do you WANT to stay in this relationship? Or do you feel you now ‘have to’ because he is making an effort? Are you seeking a way out, deep down? If so be very honest with yourself that the relationship is simply no longer for you, as guilt is the wrong reason to stay. Hope that helps.
Hello! Thank you for the motivation…
I don’t know whether my fear is included here… but I started being afraid to have relationship after I graduated from college at 23 yo. At first I just want to pursue career and hobby, which I’m still looking for by job websites and upload comics. I also took care of mom alone, as dad passed away when I entered college. We also preparing many things to move out to another regency (money, house sellers etc). My plan is that once I got a job and mom find new home where she can hangout with her family in that regency, it’s the time I can easily find a partner. Because at least mom has other safe places but won’t disturb me too. So relationship is not on my top ten list for now. A friendship still okay, but not to serious level.
But things went rocky when mom actually start indirectly pushes me to find a partner, usually saying about “pray to God so you can find partner quickly”, “how I wish to held your baby”. Or showing me pictures of men to know whether I’m interested or not. My cousins also indirectly pushes me as they already married around my age too. I start to have the anxiety everytime they mention that. From building relationship until having child, especially with the religion preaches that “woman can go to hell easily because they didn’t obey their husband and taking care their child and obey the parents”. The memories when mom yell “Just wait until you married and have children and you will know the struggle”, scares me too. The clock is ticking, seems like 25 is the border of me to do as I please but after that it’s about a “find partner” age. I cannot talk to anyone because mostly they have the same princial like mom, who was a deep faithful religious woman…
Hi Alisa, sounds like you are in a world with a very limited perspective. You are aware that this is not the only way to live, that there is another world out there, and you are also aware that the world of your family is not a match for your personal values. 25 is very, very young. In many other countries people don’t even think about kids and marriage until much later. We’d advise you take time to really assess your own personal values, and to learn about codependency, where we feel guilty and responsible for someone else’s happiness http://bit.ly/codependentall. Mother-daughter relationships can be complicated, and we all have to go through a period of becoming an adult with out own life and opinions, and that can mean a time of guilt as we stop doing what our mother wants an do what we want. It can be a part of growing up. Even if your mother has been through a hard time, it’s not your job to make her happy, it’s hers. You’ve got to take care of yourself here. If your career feels like a good thing to focus on, then focus on that. And if you need to start to take more time to yourself, now that you yourself are an adult, that’s a choice you can make. And it might be an idea to make an effort to meet people who do share your values. Are their social groups for international people that might introduce you to other ways of thinking that you feel more interested in?