7 Signs You Suffer Fear of Intimacy (That Not Everyone Knows)
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
October 18, 2022
by Andrea M. Darcy
Do you sometimes secretly wonder if your real problem is that you have a fear of intimacy? Learn surprising signs that mean you might be right.
Scared of intimacy?
It can help to understand what intimacy even really is. Intimacy is mistakenly thought to just be about romance or sex. But intimacy is about all our human relationships and isn’t about sex at all.
Intimacy means letting yourself be closely known, even as you make an effort to deeply know and experience others.
Typical signs of a fear of intimacy
Some signs of intimacy issues are obvious. We find that we:
- have low self-esteem
- don’t trust anyone
- avoid others
- never talk about our feelings
- choose unhealthy or unstable relationships that never last
- never show our love and affection
- have casual sex over emotional connections.
7 Signs you have a fear of intimacy (that are less obvious)
But what about the less obvious signs? In those of us who grew up learning to pretend we were okay when we weren’t? And still know how to act like what we aren’t as adults? See if the following sound familiar.
1. You never sit still.
Always busy, your life full to the maximum? If you do have down time, do you immediately think of what you can do to fill it? Or are you known as a workaholic?
Behind a fear of intimacy can be a fear of facing up to ourselves and what we perceive as our ‘weaknesses’. We avoid being close to others because they would then see these apparent ‘flaws’, which can look like feelings of sadness, anger, shame and grief.
Being constantly busy all the time means you can avoid taking such a risk. And you have the perfect excuse to to avoid anyone wanting to get too close… you are busy!
2. You are known as someone who is very positive.
Do you come across as someone who never gets upset, is always strong, and in a ‘good’ state of mind?
The truth about human nature is that we don’t bond over strength, but over weaknesses. Sure, we can bump chests and high five over group wins. But we form longlasting bonds when we see each other vulnerable, and have a chance to share empathy.
So always being forcefully upbeat is often a tactic to hide parts of ourselves and avoid deep connection.
3. You are the strong one others turn to.
Are you always listening to others talk about their wants and needs? If they try to ask about you, do you change the conversation back so that they are the subject again?
This habit of deflecting any focus away from yourself might see you come across as a ‘real friend‘.
But deep down, you are left feeling terribly lonely.Your constant focus on other people’s problems is being used as a shield for you to hide behind.
4. You always appear perfectly put together.
Do you always seem perfect and flawless?
The more perfect you appear externally, the less others can see that you are human and weak just like they are, and the less they will dare get close.
Your perfectionism acts as a way to intimidate others.
5. You are sure you know exactly what you want in a partner, you just haven’t found him/her yet.
Do you keep a ‘list’ of exactly what you want in a partner?
Another form of perfection, the ‘ideal mate list’ is usually something that nobody can live up to. It is a convenient way to brush off connecting with others by claiming, “I am sure of what I want and you just aren’t it.”
Of course, as an intimacy phobic person, even if you did stumble across your ideal partner, you would create a flaw so you could push them away.
6. You are many different things to many different people.
Do you secretly have no idea how to be your real self? Are you so used to hiding the parts of yourself that you don’t like that you mould yourself to be what you think others want?
This could be called ‘Marilyn Monroe syndrome’. Everyone who claimed they knew her well had a different take on who the ‘real’ Marilyn was. The girl next door, the siren, the secretly intelligent woman. The real truth was that she was lonely, and felt that nobody knew her.
If someone falls for an image of you they want to see (but which you willingly provide), how can you be hurt if they decide they don’t like the image? You can just laugh at them and claim, “Well you didn’t really know me, anyway”.
7. You hide your fear of intimacy behind very strong opinions.
Strong opinions can be like a way of pushing others back. If you offer enough of them, or become known for them, others are scared off, or tiptoe around you. You thus avoid any real intimacy.
But isn’t avoiding intimacy better than getting hurt?
Actually, avoiding intimacy hurts us. It negatively affects our health.
A review of current research on social connection and health found that low social connection has as much of an affect on our mortality rate as not exercising. And it’s twice as harmful as being overweight and raises our risk of death to as much as a smoking or alcohol problem would. [1]
But if we find ways to develop intimacy, it helps our health, particularly our mental health.
A study on men and depression found that even joining just one social group lowered chances of a depression relapse by 25%. [2]
These fear of intimacy signs sound like me
There are ways to learn how to connect, if you are willing to put in the time and effort into what can be quite a learning curve. The first step is to get out of denial about your fear of intimacy and admit that there is an issue.
Then you need to learn about what connection is or isn’t. This might mean a few good books on the subject, or reading our other articles, including:
- Connecting to Others
- How to Get Ready to Fall in Love
- “Why Can’t I Fall in Love?”
- Why Do I Fear Love and Relationships?
- Therapies That Help If You Feel Unloveable.
But a fear of intimacy runs deep, right back to traumatic or difficult childhood experiences, so we often need help to overcome it.
Therapy and overcoming a fear of intimacy
Therapy, at heart, is a relationship. For many, the therapist-client relationship is also their first time trusting another, and can be a place to try out ways of relating you can then take out into the world.
The wonderful thing about learning not to fear intimacy is that not only your intimate relationships improve. So, too, will your ability to work with colleagues, get along with strangers, and your capacity to actually create the life you want for yourself.
Need speak to someone about your fear of intimacy? We provide you with some of London’s top relationship therapists in comfortable central offices. Or try our sister site Harleytherapy.com where you can work with a registered therapist across the UK or by online as soon as the next 24 hours.
Has this article inspired you? We’d love it if you shared it. We are committed to making emotional health as important and normal as physical health so help us get the word out.
Andrea M. Darcy is a well-established mental health writer, and lead writer of this blog. She also works as a therapy advisor, helping you find the perfect therapy for your issues. Her favourite subjects to write about are relationships, trauma, and ADHD.
FOOTNOTES
[1]Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Layton JB. Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review. PLoS Med. 2010 Jul 27;7(7):e1000316. doi: 10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316. PMID: 20668659; PMCID: PMC2910600.
[2] Cruwys T, Dingle GA, Haslam C, Haslam SA, Jetten J, Morton TA. Social group memberships protect against future depression, alleviate depression symptoms and prevent depression relapse. Soc Sci Med. 2013 Dec;98:179-86. doi: 10.1016/j.socscimed.2013.09.013. Epub 2013 Sep 25. PMID: 24331897.
This article IS me.. I need to sort it out. I’m just so unhappy.
Thank you for you honesty, Declan. It is hard to live without proper intimacy, it’s a lot of work to keep everyone else at arm’s length really. But the good news is that admitting to feeling unhappy and knowing that this is at the root of it is a huge step forward. And that talking to someone, reaching out for support such as seeing a counsellor, can truly help with this issue. Things can change.
Trust me I go to therapy.. Just seems it’s so deep rooted and complex that it’s very hard to combat. I can only try to keep going and learning about my condition.
This article was very helpful
I have been going through intimacy issue since my teenage years . I know what caused it but im no longer interested in the past I want to look into the future and find a cure for this illness. As currently I am avoiding any sort of physical relationships and this is making me lose on a good potential partner.
If anyone can direct me to any help available out there or a therapy that has proven successful I will truely appreciate it .
I too want a normal life .
Bless you all x.
Hi,
So much of the article matched how I am. I suffer from a lack of intimacy and fear of letting people in. Especially my wife and it is affecting our relationship. I can not seem to work past my fear. This article has helped to identity myself and how I need it to change.
Things do take time, but sounds you are definitely on the right track.
Just knowing that there is a problem is a huge step. Fear takes decades to build, so it does’t vanish over night, but little changes over time mean that one day you do arrive at a place where you realise things have shifted. Try to not judge yourself but to commend yourself for even recognising the issue and wanting to try new things in this area.
First of all, try not to see yourself as ‘having an illness’. It doesn’t make you a ‘sick’ person to fear intimacy, just someone who has had certain experiences which have shaped their responses to others. Probably you developed such responses as an intelligent way to protect yourself as a child, it’s just that such responses then aren’t so useful as an adult. Secondly, attempting to just write off the past as ‘done’ sounds good on paper but emotions have a way of existing within us until they are honoured or expressed. So looking to the future sometimes does get easier if we integrate and accept our past instead of just trying to detach from it. All talk therapies help with intimacy issues, and which one will work best for you is dependent on on who you are as a person. And the therapist that is right for you will also be unique for you and might take trying a few first. But therapies that focus just on relationships include schema therapy and dynamic interpersonal therapy.
iv jst learnt of wt i suffer frm today.thnk u so much n il do my bst to look for therapy as soon as posibo…..it has wasted a large part of my lyf n evn hayed anywan who tried gtng close to me…..thnk u so much.once again.no one realy umderstands me n they thnk am too complex
what books would you recomend please
That must be hard. But it can change.
Wow this hit the nail on the head for me. I gotta say though, it’s not quite as debilitating as the article makes it out to be and definitely doesn’t rate seeking help. It’s a matter of priority more so than a matter of fear and psychological problems. I’m sure relationships and what not are great and all but they don’t pay your bills, they don’t keep your body in shape, and they honestly don’t engage your mind the way a book or something else would. Some people were just born in the wrong century, and this modern day society is plagued by the masses of debauchery, immorality, and idiocracy. With our technology and vast array of opportunities to make for ourselves do we really NEED a significant other? No, its an option.
Absolutely it’s an option to decide if one needs to be in a monogamous romantic relationship in life. But it’s interesting you’ve read it to be about significant others when the introduction is about how intimacy is nothing to do with romance but how we connect with everyone in our life – family, friends, children. And this sort of connection is increasingly being proven to be very necessary to health. Lack of social connection is being connected, for example, to earlier death rates.
I’ve been to therapy for years with no real luck in moving past my issues it has taken me a long time to come to the conclusion that emotional and physical intimacy maybe one major problem and why I can’t even move at the other issues the article has helped me confirm my suspicions thank you now maybe I can start with the real problem
hello, are there any self-help books on this subject that you’d recommend?
this should really be entitled 7 signs you are good at hiding your intimacy issues
Well many people with intimacy issues hide them remarkably well! Sadly we live in a society still full of stigma towards speaking about what we struggle with.
It’s a good question. Perhaps other readers can offer opinions too, I’d start with “Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships” by John Welwood and “The Flight From Intimacy” by Janae and Barry Weinhold. And of course the classic “The Drama of Being a Child” by Alice Miller which is not directly about intimacy but really is all about intimacy, as it is the most powerful account of how childhood experiences lead to growing up into an adult who doesn’t know how to receive love just by being themselves. This final one is not a ‘self help’ book per se, but it does lead to huge amounts of self understanding in my experience!
Glad to be of help.
Well, it’s certainly nice to read this as confirmation of a long standing problem.
Actually, I faintheartedly laugh, for connection to true tears of grief & loss were left behind decades ago.
The stumbling blocks occurred in the very years bonding/trust vs healthy autonomy: premature birth, non-bonding with mother, family r/t prolonged hospitalization post partum, father rejection r/t skinny/sickly – not meeting his expectations of ‘manliness’. Trauma & Emotional, psychological, physical, sexual & spiritual abuse among family, peers & ‘church’….
Even, in adulthood, genuinely attempting to be honest, open, transparent & real brought distancing, rejection, fear, betrayal & ostricization.
Awareness & personal understanding are not, of themselves, guarantors of healing & recovery – not when the norm of American society is, especially among men, that the want/desire for emotional, mental intimacy/bonding is feared as of homosexual predatory behavior/intent not the need of establishing trust of & peer/gender acculturation/identification where none ever happened in the formative years.
And so it goes…..
Glad the article touched a nerve. You are right re attachment, when it doesn’t come as a child it is very often what leads to intimacy issues in the future. And it sounds you had many other challenges too. And yes, awareness itself does not guarantee anything, it’s the brain understanding the brain. The next step is to try new ways of acting and being. Of course as you point out, that can be difficult, so it’s good to find support.There is an interesting men’s movement started, you might be able to find a men’s group, and of course we do recommend a counsellor, but one that works for you, as well as a kind of therapy that works (schema therapy comes to mind reading your history) and can be that support and other perspective that genuinely means you move forward. Connection isn’t lost, it’s in there somewhere….
What wonderfully honest input. Stumbled on your site while researching at the age of 57! why I can’t get intimate. Can’t stop crying, which is a good start to finally reaching out for help. Thankyou so much. Xx
It means so much to us to hear that this has been helpful, we invest a lot in outreach out of a real desire to make emotional and psychological health something we one day talk about as easily as physical health. It’s great to hear that you have a plan now to reach out, it’s a show of strength that we feel always pays off. Here’s to new pathways ahead!
I would say I have a fear of intimacy, but could it be from learning as a child that my closest friendships wouldn’t work.
I was separated from my first best friend, i realised my other best friend and I weren’t good for eachother, and it’s a pattern now, I find excuses to stop being friends with my friends.
I don’t want to lose the friends I have now, they are so good to me. I just don’t know how to let them in, I haven’t let anyone in in years..
It’s great that you are questioning where this has its roots and you are aware of what is valuable to you and what is worth fighting for now. To be honest, it’s likely that your friendships at school not working is a result of something else that affected your relating skills – a symptom, not a cause. If you feel ready, do consider finding support to delve a bit deeper. Intimacy issues can feel immovable and lifelong but they actually are something that can be worked on and real results are not unusual but common. Not that it’s an easy process, but learning to relate in new ways that mean you can be intimate and have strong friendships is very possible.
I never had the so called best friend through my school years. Close friends, yes, even boyfriends. But never that super glue to the hip best friends. I never had this long term friendship, where ones know everything about the others. When i was in my college dorm, i got closed to my room mate. So close that i poured part of myself to her. I think she was the first person ever see me cry. But then, i got freaked out. And I started to build a wall between me and her. Even moved out of the dorm. We’re still friends until now, but it’s more like casual friends, just hanging out and having fun.
I thought it was because i enjoyed my time alone. That i prefer to spend my time by myself, doing my own things. But it happened again, quite recently. I got close to someone. When i broke up with my boyfriend, she saw me cried my heart out. She was so flustered, because she only knew my aloof hard self. She said as much, even making me promise not to cry again. And then, i freaked out. I think i’m in the process of building my wall again, keeping her in the distance, not letting her see me in my weakest anymore.
After reading this, i realize that maybe i got this intimacy phobia. And maybe i do need help. Thanks so much.
I’m another person who has come to the realisation that I’m struggling with this. Its like the last port on a massive kind of voyage I’ve been on in seeking help for the impact of being raised by a mother with full blown narcissistic personality disorder & an alcoholic codependent father. Behind closed doors my mother hated me, was jealous of how I looked (being on my father’s side- taller & slimmer etc.) & was sort of out to destroy me. However we all pretended this wasn’t true to the outside world. My father did nothing to protect me even though I begged him & chose to join in with the abuse, being mean too & justifying why mum was so nasty to me. Suffice to say going ‘non contact’ was the only way to protect myself & if took me too many years to figure that out. NPD is untreatable & things simply don’t change.
The romantic fallout has been massive in my adult life & I can see now that I have a very strong pattern. The few relationships I’ve had have been nothing short of awful & abusive because I choose emotionally unavailable people & tend to chase them, sort of begging & praying for their attention. The meaner you treat me the keener I’ll be. If a kind, available, intelligent man who might actually like me & have something to offer comes along I’m usually oblivious to his attentions. Even if I have a good rapport with him & like him I will reject him outright if/when he declares his feelings for me. I become almost anxious & nauseous at the idea a man would find me desirable/attractive & I’ll find all kinds of reasons why he’s not for me… too old/young, drinks too much/doesn’t drink, isn’t tall & swarthy or my ‘type’, would never be able to understand a woman like me… I really could go on for days.
I’ve been kind of blind, wandering around whinging about ‘all the good men are taken’, about how ‘unhappily single’ I am & how I’ll be too old to have a child soon. I realise that I have actually chosen this. I say a relationship is what I want but in reality I’m absolutely terrified by the prospect of it. I’m also quite superficial & immature when it comes to all this stuff too, as if I were a 14 year old girl. It relates to the bigger picture too as I’m bad with friends, staying in touch & have been a big ‘dumper’ of people in general.
I’m unhappy, lonely & scared, so I need to make some changes. An intimate romantic relationship is not everything in life & not the sole source of happiness, but they are normal & healthy for our species.
This describes my 16 yr old daughter to a ‘T’. I noticed that she was pushing people away about a year ago. Always finding a reason why she didn’t spend time with someone after a few weeks of knowing them. She would just cut-off all communication with that person. She’s been in therapy for several months but it almost seems to be making it worse. She just stays at home now and will actually lie so that others don’t know. It’s hard to explain. But I fear that she will be unhappy as she gets older.
It’s great that she’s in therapy and has support. I wouldn’t assume that she won’t be happy in the future, though. Being 16 is hard for anyone, it’s a time of hormonal shifts, brain growth, and also identity formation. It’s possible she has experienced something that felt traumatic and it’s thrown her, or it could just be that her brain and hormones are making her feel incredibly sensitive or exacerbating an already sensitive personality. If others around her aren’t as sensitive or don’t understand her sensitivity, she might decide withdrawing feels easier, and in a way it could be a form of self protection she needs right now. We need space to heal sometimes. Often the way we are as a teenager is not the way we end up as adults, when we have more space to be ourselves. When we grow up we can expand our experiences and social circles and then find our ‘tribe’, the people who are more like us that we feel our best selves around, and things can really change for us. When young we live within structures that don’t always afford us that opportunity. The best thing is just to support her just as she is right now, with as little pressure or expectation of her to be a certain way as possible (which causes teenagers especially to withdraw). Extend your understanding, and try to trust that on a certain level, even through the teenage haze, she has her own inner wisdom and will find her way forward. This powerful way of seeing others is called ‘unconditional positive regard’ in person-centred therapy. You might find this article helpful https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/unconditional-positive-regard-what-it-is-and-why-you-need-it.htm
In response to Aimz above…. Parents are supposed to love us, and even if we spend our entire adult life rationalising this, that our parent can’t love us, it is highly likely (inevitable?) we will chase those who cannot love us. Why? Because in a very deep part of us we are trying to vindicate the parent. We are trying, by making this person love us, to make our parent love us, and by doing so to prove they are not as horrible as we think. If we can make a partner loving and human then we humanise the parent to our deeply wounded hidden inner child. It’s a very difficult thing to accept and break, short of accepting that if you meet someone and have huge chemistry, you can almost be sure it is this pattern. The best thing you can do is run from that sort of firework and accept that you need to learn how to date slowly, and date men who you think are ok but might not have huge chemistry with at first. Because your brain is wired to see love as cruelty, and you won’t be comfortable or attracted to loving men at first. Accept it might take a few dates. But if you stick it out you will start to be attracted to nice men. Then there has to be a lot of mourning. All the rationalising is great, but until you let yourself howl and cry and mourn that you never had a loving mother and never will, that weird, numb, sad feeling will stay (because I am certain you know exactly what I mean, and I’m sure that feeling is what makes you feel so scared, because it is scary that it just seems to never leave, am I correct?). As for an intimate relationship not being anything, sure, but then again for those with a narcissistic parent a true loving relationship is hugely healing. Our problems start with relationships, and there is logic to the idea that they can really only be solved and healed by relationships. Anyway. Hope this helps. Don’t give up. You are on the right path!
To Vee above, glad to be of help. Yes, there is definitely a fear of intimacy going on for you. It’s a great idea to seek support to look at where these issues come from. Things really can be different for you, and a therapist or counsellor can really speed up the process of moving towards more healthy ways of relating.
Read this and although I am in my 40s issues in my past have triggered reactions and behaviours which can be related to most of what is said. I know I am now building up a wall with my partner (we split for a few months almost 2 years ago, and since getting back together intamicy is gone) I don’t miss the intamicy they do. I have tried to explain but it’s just not getting through. If I let them have there way it is wrong but if its all my way that is wrong too.
Thanks so much for this insightful piece and book recommendations. I feel so overwhelmed to admit to myself, let alone anyone else, that this is what I am struggling with. I don’t even know where to begin to work my way out of this but am sure that the books and my therapist will help me in this journey. I have never allowed myself a good cry as I am so afraid that if I started, the tears wouldn’t stop but that is the first, scary step that I have to take towards healing. I am trying to take away the focus from all the wasted time I spent with people who couldn’t or wouldn’t love me back and all the people that I have loved and pushed away when I started to feel suffocated or engulfed to finally allow the man I love who is the father of my two lovely children into my heart. It is not easy for me to make myself vulnerable & my stomach just turns thinking about it
I don’t even know if anyone will respond to this I just kind of need to type it out and say it out loud just for my own mental well being. I have always struggled to fit in and it was mostly because everyone my age was chasing boys and was obsessed with being in a relationship and that was truly the farthest thing in my mind, if anything I remember trying to will the conversation away when all the girls would gossip about who they were into. Then as I got older it started to become less about just who everyone liked and now about who everyone was sleeping with, this scared me the most because I was never one of those girls not because I tried because I was actually so scared to try for fear that I wasn’t enough. I still have these isues even as a young adult I would write in my journal because I knew something was wrong with me that I wasn’t like the rest of the kids my age. I even bought books about mental illness because I felt so differnt that I thought that it had to be some kind of disease that I had. I tried to play it off that I just didn’t have the same emotions as everyone else did but deep inside I knew that I was sad and lonely and still afraid to admit these feelings to anyone even those closes-est to me in fear that i would seem weak or weird. I always knew that I had trust issues I just never knew why I for the most part had a happy childhood and that fact alone made me more crazy because in my mind I was so weak for having these feelings with really nothing to back them up with no traumatic story from my past. I still don’t know how to deal with these issues but really when a coworkers called me out for having a fear of intamecy is really when I looked at my issues and thought ya there is something wrong with me and I think this is it.
There seem to be several things at play here. A low self-esteem issue, for example, can lead to never feeling good enough and constantly self-judging oneself. As for young girls all being boy crazy, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong if one isn’t. If anything this sort of boy crazy can be less about dating and intimacy than a sort of social code amongst girls and a way to gain power. You might simply be very much an introvert. Other possibilities are a different physical drive – we are not all built the same. The term ‘demisexual’ has recently become a popular way to describe those who are interested in a relationship, but can only be attracted to those they know well. None of these things mean you are necessarily bad at intimacy – they might just have precluded you from having a chance to try. But with someone you know, you might very well be very good at intimacy. Or, you might have a mix of some of the above and intimacy fears. These are all things a counsellor can help you unpack, and it is a good idea, given all you are saying, to seek support. These things can be hard to manage all alone. As for no childhood trauma, the very nature of trauma is to embed itself in our unconscious. And often, with our adult minds, we can’t understand what our child’s mind registered as trauma. Something as simple as an aloof, workaholic parent with little time for a child can, for example, be extremely traumatic for a child, even if they are well provided for otherwise. Again, all things its best to unpack withe the help of a professional.
Try not to see it as wasted time. We are all unique, complex individuals, and if we didn’t have the experiences we did we wouldn’t be who we are. And sometimes all the things we suffer through become the windows to deep understanding of self one day we can help others with. Take things one step at a time.
look am afraid to trust and close neither my parents nor friends, I have never been close to anyone in my life. its like I fear to be disappointed n I don’t have anyone to treat or cousel mi, wat shud I do
thank you….im that person who prefers to give advice rather than show how vulnerable i feel. when i open up i run or cling…becoming anxious or depressed. i tend to disconnect easily and become aloof…im learning to identify my feelings, hold the space, and express when i feel safe..reactive does not serve me….looking forward to true intimacy…thirsting for it
And here I thought I was special….
It would be a good idea to seek support. Feeling totally alone in the world is hard for anyone to take and we all need someone to talk to. If you are struggling with money, there are low cost options available. Read our article https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/low-cost-therapy-free-counselling-services.htm or speak to your GP. If you are feeling low, consider calling the Good Samaritan hotline if you are in the UK, at 116 123.
Well you have a sense of humour, which is special…
After reading his article I realise that all my romantic relationships have been missing either a physical or an emotional side. I withhold one or the other as an avoidance to getting hurt. I don’t get either side with my parents. Although we see each other we do not “talk” and I can’t remember when they have ever said they have loved me or given me a hug. When they talk to me i switch off or answer one word Answers. I broke up with my last partner over 3 months ago and neither of them have since asked me how I am.
I pushed him away and was jealous and clingy. I was afraid to let him in but best of all, I picked a partner who lived in a different country! So I could then blame him for not giving me the close relationship I say I want but seem to be avoiding.
This is really wonderful self awareness, thank you for sharing it. It’s tremendously sad when a child does not receive either love or recognition and does have repercussions far into adulthood, and it’s great you can see how clearly this works. We do hope you find some support on this. It can be overwhelming at first to dig into, but very rewarding as sorting it out can lead to the support and real intimacy you deserve.
Yes this article IS me too… But for me there is an additional problem. Even though I know it’s silly, I secretly believe that it is wrong to form bonds or fall in love. I sometimes hate my parents and blame them for it and at other times I just realize that I have them atleast. I eat all my meals alone, at home or in college. You know why? There hasn’t been a single person in my life who told me I’m right and beautiful just as I am and who loved me for who I was.. Not even my parents.. So where my primary caretakers fail.. Who else can pass? And even when someone does show that understanding…i appreciate it but when they get too close, I just have to make sure I lose them forever.
Believe it or not, this is actually very common in those who fear intimacy – sabotaging any real bonds by pushing people away. What is amazing is that you are showing a remarkable self awareness for someone only in college. Is there anyone you can talk to? Is there a counsellor or therapist at the school that is free or low charge? Only because if you are brave enough to seek support over this and deal with it while young, you can avoid years of difficult relationships which intimacy issues cause. You are obviously an aware person, you deserve to feel good and to attract those who do love you just as you are, and it undoubtedly will happen if you can unpack this anger and fear and get to the root of it all.
It sounds a difficult situation, and that the issue that caused the split 2 years ago has not been resolved. What is it that does work in this relationship? What is that keeps you in the relationship? Does there have to be a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’? Is this often what you talk about, who is right and who is wrong? It sounds like there is a real need to own up to what this relationship is about and whether it has a future. If you are both open to it, couples counselling could be a very good idea.
I found myself checking all these boxes. I have never considered myself being aftaid of intimacy. My excuse has been that i feel too deeply and have just been too busy and focused. The more I think about it the more I think I am asexual. It’s like my body gets urges but I have no inclination to act on them. It is more of an inconvenience really. I want to get know women on an intellectual and emotional level but I don’t want a sexual relationship with them. I don’t have a problem with emotional intimacy but the problem is I don’t care for physical intimacy. The problem is you can’t reach nearly the same depth of emotional intmacy without the physical intimacy. I have given up. If I can’t get the levels of emotional intimacy without getting physical then it’s not worth it.
It’s often people who feel very deeply, or are sensitive, who then end up developing intimacy issues as a way of protection in a world where not everyone else is sensitive. Now the thing is, what you write raises a lot of questions. Where did you learn that if you don’t act on sexual urges there is something wrong with you? That you have to want a sexual relationship with women or there is something wrong? And what is your idea of emotional intimacy? Because we’d strongly disagree with the concept that you can’t have emotional intimacy without physical intimacy. Real intimacy could be said to have nothing at all to do with sex. True human intimacy in a safe space involves completely revealing all of who you are, good and bad, to another person you can trust, and it’s a much deeper feeling than the intense but ultimately fleeting high the physical creates when you actually experience it. Sex before real trust creates, if anything, ‘false’ intimacy, not real intimacy at all. And in many long term relationships sex is used as a ‘filler’ in lieu of real intimacy. All these things are said just to question the ideas you have which actually read like defences and like someone who actually does have some very sophisticated blocks to true intimacy. In truth it sounds like you’ve been very hurt by others in life and there are real issues at play here that are holding you back and making you feel hopeless and very hard on yourself. Which means these issues are serious and deserve to be taken seriously. Would it be possible to talk all this through with a counsellor?
Oh my god this is soo me! I always thought how could I be soo happy always …..thank God ..now that I knw my problem I can overcome it!😊
I grew up as an only child with emotionally neglectful parents. They were attentive to my physical needs (food, clothing, shelter) and my education, but they never really showed much affection for me (physically or emotionally). Growing up as a kid, I don’t think I ever heard them say “I love you”, and my parents also avoided showing affection towards one another in front of me (perhaps due to embarrassment, I don’t know). During my teen years, they never asked how I was doing, they never showed an interest in my life, my friends, my hobbies, and interests. The only thing they ever asked about was my grades. Most of the time they were busy with work and left me to my own devices. I’ve only realised in the past 1-2 years that they were emotionally neglectful. Back then, I just assumed all parents were like that because I didn’t know any better. On the surface and to outsiders, I seemed to be doing fine, but in reality I developed depression and started self-harming. On the inside I felt alone and disconnected from people and I could never get the close friendships that other people my age seemed to get so effortlessly. When I was a child I also experienced bullying and teasing about my appearance, which I think made me wary of trusting people. I think I am a nice person and I generally try to be kind to others and be there for them, but I feel like others aren’t really there for ME. I find it hard to make close friends and in general I’m slow at making friends – I can’t really be myself 100% around new people, I get anxious and have walls up. I have trust issues and hold everyone at arms length, even friends – only letting them get close to a point, before I stop them getting closer. I think people in the past have made me feel taken for granted, or they always end up disappointing me in some way, and that hurts me, so I’ve learnt to not rely on other people, since I feel like they’ll eventually let me down or betray me in some way.
My love life is non-existent, in fact it has never existed. My parents never asked about my dating life when I was a teen – in fact they assumed I wouldn’t (and SHOULDN’T) date, and I think I internalized that and, being a “good kid” (aka obedient), I did as I was expected and didn’t date at all. But now I’m in my late 20s, and I’m still the same way. Ironically my parents now WANT me to date and people around me don’t get why I don’t. I’ve identified as asexual since my late teens, because that was the only label that fit me. I didn’t have any interest in getting closer to anyone beyond friendship, in fact I’ve avoided it when people have shown signs of liking me. I used to think it was because I was aromantic and asexual, but since last year when I discovered there was such as thing as childhood emotion neglect, I’ve been wondering if in fact it’s because I just fear intimacy. The problem is, I don’t really experience any romantic/sexual interest towards anyone. But I don’t know if that’s just how I truly am, or if it was a result of my upbringing, and I’m just tired to be honest. I just wish I could be”normal” like everyone else, and sometimes I feel resentment towards my parents because of the way I was brought up. I feel like I’ve missed out on a happy and fulfilling childhood/adolescence. I started seeing a psychologist a few months back, but so far my problems are still there.
These things take time to unravel – certainly more than a few months! So do keep up the work with the psychologist. If it makes you feel any better you are ‘normal’ to an extent – there are many people who do not have their needs met as children and are actually in some ways horrifically neglected despite an apparently ‘good’ home, and what you talk about, being unable to connect to others, is always the inevitable side effect. A book you might find completely mindblowing in that it will explain it all so clearly is called “The Drama of Being a Child” by Alice Miller. Another thing you might find interesting is to look into Attachment theory. In summary, you are on the right track with the psychologist. Maybe stop trying to live up to an ideal of ‘normal’ that might not even exist (you’d be surprised how many of those so called ‘normal’ people have their own set of hidden issues) and just start noticing the things you are successful at. You sound an honest, genuine person, who really wants to make something more of life. And you are taking big steps.
I am currently in therapy for childhood sexual abuse, and my therapist has now told me in our ninth session that I have a fear of intimacy, which I didn’t agree with.
However, after reading your article, I totally agree with my therapist, she is spot on, and I thought I knew myself. This has really opened my eyes, but also scares me about dealing with it, which I think I will find difficult, but I will give it a try. Thank you so much.
The path of knowing oneself is full of surprises and new layers… congratulations for being brave enough to take the road inward. Fear of intimacy is actually common for those who suffered sexual abuse, which causes such a break in one’s capacity to trust another. Fear is ok to feel. In fact anything is ok to feel. What matters, which you seem very aware of, is to keep trying to move forward. We wish you the best with this, it really sounds like you are moving in the right direction.
Glad to be of help.
Mine is quite different. I dont have childhood stress, maybe one about my mom and dad who had bitter fights (physical and emotional) when we were very young, that led to separation but later they reconciled. we stayed with our dad the whole time. In my adult life, i find it very difficult to get intimate with a serious partner. it scares me to say yes to a man, to decide to be his girlfriend. i have lost a number of men due to this nature, i want things to flow but i realized i never really get quite comfortable with the guy. i always prefer the non committal type of relationship but i get hurt often when they leave coz i may have emotionally invested in it, although it wasnt clear whether we we were together or not. i find myself overthinking about getting into a relationship or getting intimate (especially this)… will it last, is it worthy, is it something i will be proud of. And about sex, i cant say there was a time i have ever been comfortable most times due to over thinking. i cant make up my mind to have sex, most times i have sex because i get overpowered by emotions but after that i feel filthy and even can stop talking to the guy i was with. Is this normal?
What if i don’t need and don’t want to be known and experienced by others.Is that a problem too?? Any form of desire is a weakness, but some of them are required to live (food,sleep).Sexual intimacy is even worse,because you expose yourself to potential threat No one can be trusted really.
I have suffered fear of intimacy all my adult life, I thought it was just shyness at first but then I thought it must be more than that to go all these years without being in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I have had costly therapy recently but to no real avail as someone said earlier here it can be really difficult to completely open up on your inward problems. I to have lacked intimacy with all sorts of problems in ordinary friendships with other male colleagues it’s more like having acquaintances than real intimate friendships.
Maybe I’ve worried about it too much instead of letting nature take its course instead of even trying to develop a career for myself. I do believe now there were women who were interested in wanting to get to know me without sounding to bigheaded but because I was having crushes on people of who I was worshipping from afar I didn’t realise it at the time
I now feel so foolish & totally missed out on the important things in life.
“Maybe one about my mom and dad who had bitter fights (physical and emotional) when we were very young, that led to separation but later they reconciled. we stayed with our dad the whole time.” This actually sounds a very stressful experience for a child. Just because as an adult you can ‘rationalise’ or ‘understand’ it does not mean that as a child it did not deeply affect you. Would you consider talking to a counsellor or therapist? You also sound like you are suffering from anxiety, which leads to overthinking and never feeling comfortable. It’s not something you should feel you have to just ‘manage’ or ‘live with’. With the right support and if you commit to the (sometimes difficult) journey of self, we believe you could move beyond these ways of being and feel much more comfortable and confident.
“No one can be trusted really”. Can’t they? Is this a fact, or a belief? What would happen if your belief was not always true? “Any form of desire is weakness”. Is it? Where or from who did you learn this? All useful questions. We believe that the way you lead your life is up to you. But if you are unhappy, and you feel exhausted by life, then yes, it is a problem. We can tell ourselves we are ‘just fine’ and ‘we don’t care’, but somehow, reading this, we don’t feel that is true. You do care, or you wouldn’t be here. And you are probably a very valuable person who has a lot to share with others if you could move beyond these core beliefs. Maybe it’s worth taking the chance that this could be true, too, and thinking about seeking the support to learn more about yourself?
Gosh it’s hard to hear that your therapy didn’t work out. It’s a bit of a catch-22, as if we have intimacy issues we are the least likely to trust another, but therefore really need support to do so, but therapy is based around a trusting relationship to work well, sooo… ;). But do not give up! It’s important to realise that therapy is like dating and it can take a few tries to get the right therapist. You need to find a therapist not that you trust right away, but you think you could trust with time. It’s also important to consider what type of therapy you are trying. It would be best to choose one that focuses on having a trusting bond with the therapist, like schema therapy, or cognitive analytical therapy. Others that might work well are person-centred/humanistic therapy, or compassion-focused therapy. As for feeling you have missed out on important things – not possible. Every new moment is an important one. You can’t change the past, but by learning to be in the moment and appreciate what is going right, you can stop missing out and start creating a future you actually want. Mindfulness is a good one for that (we have an easy-to-read free guide about it our main site if it’s of interest). In summary, please don’t give up! “Letting nature take it’s course” might work in some ways, but in this one, we encourage to keep trying to take steps forward as it an also be something we tell ourselves to keep ourselves stuck.
Thankyou for your reply, once I thought it was being shy or socially anxious/phobic,non-confident, low self esteem that was holding me back but after so many years I’m now very sure it was Intimacy I have been suffering when it comes getting close to someone I don’t think I’ve ever had a problem making friends with someone wherever I’ve been especially at work but it’s being able to keep it going whether it was because I never had any connection with other children before I started school ‘never went to a nursery/kindergarten’ I was never aloud to play out before I started school then afterwards for a while you couldn’t keep me in doors then suddenly when I got into my teen years I started clamming up again a little bit, maybe there was to much parental control that sort of traumatised me because I adored
my parents don’t get me wrong but there backgrounds had been a bit traumatic as well in there pasts so would there have been any connection there do you think. In summery it’s been intimacy with me going so-far and then renching back.
Thankyou.
Hello, firstly, I’ve been considering therapy to help understand if I can stay in a relationship which has no emotional connection, it’s like death by 1000 paper cuts to me. I’ve briefly tried to end it twice, but miss the good parts.
My question here is, can a man of 64, who is narcissistic, be encouraged to try intimacy therapy? Psychology is my specialist subject but I’m stumped on this one! I’m high on empathy understand that this man is similar to my late Mother and Brother, so at least I have learnt a lot about them and totally accept
Is it worth my while to broach this subject, with my “partner”or should I either quit, or build a shell around my own feelings. I’ve tried the latter, I don’t think its right to deny my authentic self.
I was widowed 6 years ago after a happy 33 marriage with children and knew quite soon I’d like to make life “differently good” and meet a significant other. It was 18 months into this relationship that the penny dropped, he never says We.
I know I can’t change someone like this myself, do I even go down the route of encouraging him to learn intimacy. I know he has a deep sensitivity but not empathy. I appreciate I’m not perfect but I have flexibility and look openly at my flaws and adapt. A relationship shouldn’t feel so complicated, yet the gene pool of decent, single men around my age, 59, who aren’t looking for someone young, is probably non existent! I’m ok with my own company, have friends and family, but have a lot of love to give!
As children yes, we all naturally love our parents. But if it didn’t lead us to the sense of safety, support, and freedom we required to properly develop, then as adults we have to take the time to look at that and resolve our emotions and issues from those times. It does sound you missed out on the attachment you needed and would benefit from talking to a counsellor or psychotherapist about this.
Very good article about intimacy and the first I found on the Internet with reasonable view on it. There is plenty of articles about it focused on relationships behavior only. I come across as a joker and positive person but nobody ever taught me what to do when you feel down or how to talk about it to others. So I almost never do it and nobody really knows me in the end 😉
Loving a narcissist is a complicated and often addictive process. So many articles on the internet will write off narcissists as ‘evil, bad, keep away!’ and encourage you to then go into victim thinking that is just simply not that helpful. It’s indeed a very simplified view of what is very mucky and complicated, i.e., human nature. The truth is that most of us who do love narcissists have a healthy dose of narcissism within ourselves. We can be extremely intelligent sorts who like a challenge, and manipulative in our own ways, and often we have a narcissistic parent we learned narcissistic ways of thinking from (as you admit to, and hence our comfort with and attraction to narcissists in the first place). Narcissists, under all their inability to be kind and love, are very wounded little children, and that innocence is so beautiful and true, and their deep, hidden need is very appealing to some of us who long to fix and help and love others back to life. And in fact if we know psychology, then we are even more fascinated, not less, perhaps as we have a hidden hope our knowledge is also helpful. In summary, it can be the biggest rush there is, to try to help a narcissist. Oh, those little moments when they are nice……but the answer is, no. No, a man of 64 who has not of his own volition decided to change probably will not ever change. And any encouragement or even mention of therapy will probably cause him to attack you or punish you. Should you quit? That is a question but is it a reality? It’s extremely hard to quit a narcissist. Perhaps the better question is, what can I do to shore up myself here. The truth is your message does have hints of despondency, negative thinking, and being really hard on yourself (albeit in the guise of ‘being real’ and ‘self knowledge’). Ageing is harsh, our society is not fair to women on this front, and being single is challenging. But even so, giving up hope is the easiest way to ensure that any possibilities of going against the odds don’t arrive. Because on the other hand it is simply not possible that you are the ONLY person in all of the world who is over 55 and wants a healthy relationship with someone your own age (in fact I happen to know someone who just met the love of his life and got married again at 67, for example…). So. I’d suggest doing all you can to take your focus off him and putting it squarely back onto yourself. Build up your psychological, mental, and physical health. As if it is life or death. Because in some ways, when it comes to a narcissist, it is. They will destroy your emotional wellbeing and this does lead to knock on effects on physical health too (I remember reading a study about women in a hospice, and over 80% of them were in difficult relationships… coincidence?). In my personal experience this striving to put the attention back on oneself somehow leads to the little moments or revelation and self love that then build a bridge away from the limited viewpoint being with a narcissist creates and into seeing that you deserve better. Good luck.
Ah yes being a joker, that is so often a tactic to avoid intimacy. It’s great that you recognise it. It can definitely leave one feeling lost and misunderstood, I used the joker for years. Then one day I was in a first session of therapy and the therapist looked at me and said, do you always do this when you meet people. Do you always act so funny so that they can’t see the sensitive person you really are. It blew my mind (and freaked me out, I admit I actually never went back to that therapist). The very next day I had a date, and I decided to not let myself be funny. I felt really odd, and boring, but I decided it didn’t matter as I wasn’t even sure I liked the person so I would never have to see him again. But then it ended up turning into a relationship that was way more honest than any I had had. Go figure.
Thank you so much for your very understanding and helpful reply.
You are spot on, I recognise everything you say. When I finished typing, I realised my actual question was probably “would therapy help me (not him) whichever path I take here”?!
I’ll be in touch again, meanwhile I really appreciate your answer, it makes a lot of sense.
I always knew i had a problem with getting to know new people, And letting people into my life, this started happening after my elementary years where i use get verbally bullied by others so it seemed easy for me to have a wall up all the time. I would only talk to people and make connections with people who were initially interested in me first. And that seemed to work through out my middle school years and high school years. And it seemed normal bc there were alot of people who were interested in me mostly bc of my athletic skills and my looks. My first year in college i intended to keep my practices ive been using since middle school, still would say to myself that i wasnt looking for a serious relationship, which i was very firm about. But there was one girl that immediately caught my attention at a college party but just how quick she caught my attention i also quickly picked out a couple things i saw that i did not like so i said to myself dont take this girl serious, but every wall i kept putting up she would tear down which made me want to go out with her, i started liking her too much,too quickly so i wanted to end things before anyone got really hurt. I tried breaking up with her but i couldnt do it. I completely opened up to her as she did to me and i had never had my feelings out there like that with anyone and was comfortable. Eventhough, i still felt like she was too comfortable with me and that scared me. I also felt like i was in control of the relationship at all times which i think scared me as well. I would cheat on her but she forgave me for it,i even slapped her once bc she disrespected my parents. She would know how to push my buttons and vice versa. We later got pregnant, she had a miscarriage and that was devastating for her more than me. Advance 5 years later we have 2 kids and are seperated for about 8 months. I still dont have the desire to start anything with anyone. She quickly moved on and is now living with another guy who has a little girl, they just got a house together recently. So im guessing my intimacy problems just got bigger
I grew up with my grandparents. My mom and dad were separated and i never met my dad. Mom is working overseas to provide for my daily needs since she was a single mom. She remarried when i was 5 years old. I never had sweet moments with mom. My grandparents love me but they were somehow strict. When i was younger, they used to joke about how bad was my dad and it made me assamed to face people in our house because i was so afraid that they would lough around me. And now that i am an adult, it gives me “yucky” feelings whenever guys try to give hints that they like me and i immediately say no to them. Was it because i never had a good relationship with my mom?
Wonderful question – once we get a good question in our mind, we can find a new path. It’s often all about the right question over driving ourselves crazy trying to find the right decision. We wish you all the best with your road forward.
It sounds like you are very hurt that this relationship has ended, but are brave enough to take your part of the responsibility (not that it’s all your fault, she definitely sounds like she has an equal amount of issues, as to be expected) and see that this issue is much older than the current situation of the breakup. The thing with unresolved issues, traumas, and emotions from childhood is that if we don’t ever properly deal with them, they don’t vanish, they just continue to cause us problems or wait until we have time to look at them (like after a breakup) and suddenly we realise again, uh oh, there is something wrong here. But then what to do? Ignore it again, start another relationship that will end up with the same patterns of choosing someone who is overly intense, then spend years stuck in patterns of control and power games with anxiety that never goes away? You might want to also read our article on counterdependency https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-counterdependency.htm. The other option is of course to seek support, someone you can trust and talk to, like a professional counsellor, and really get to the bottom of this.
You are insightful to recognise that your childhood didn’t give you the sort of role models you need to feel comfortable around men. If you were constantly told your dad was ‘bad’ you might have an unconscious belief that all men are ‘bad’ or ‘dangerous’, which would mean you would not feel comfortable around them. Or you might have a belief that men destroy a woman’s life, for example, if it meant your mother had to go work overseas. As for not having a good relationship with your mom affecting how you are around men, yes, that too can have had an effect. There is something called ‘attachment theory’ you might want to look into. If you didn’t feel there was a caregiver you could completely trust or rely on as a baby, as an adult you might have a ‘fearful avoidant’ attachment style which means someone trying to get close to you would make you very uncomfortable. You can read more in our article https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/attachment-styles.htm
I have suffered from sexual intimacy anxiety all my life. Since I started having sex as a teenager I found myself suffering from sexual dysfunctions any time a relationship with a woman would start getting serious. As long as I could keep the partner at arms length as far as emotional intimacy was concerned (ie: one night stands, paid sex) my sexual functioning was fine. For many years I had no idea what the problem was. I actually thought I was simply easily bored sexually. Despite dating dozens of women between the ages of 15 and 35 when I finally got married I had never fallen in love and ended up marrying for reasons other than that. Stuck in a one partner relationship my sex life basically stopped as I couldn’t function with my wife. I didn’t know this was being caused by unconscious intimacy anxiety resulting in avoident attachment until I started seeing a psychiatrist. Although I finally got a plausible explanation of the problem he wasn’t able to help me with my sexual dysfunctions and my marriage has been sexless for many years.
We’re really sorry to hear that all you received was a diagnosis but not proper help. That must have been awfully frustrating for you. In the UK, at least, psychiatrists focus more on diagnosis and medication, whereas psychotherapists and counsellors are much more involved with creating a warm, safe environment for you to explore and heal your difficulties. If you the energy to try again, I’d seriously consider trying a counsellor or therapist who specialises in sex and intimacy issues. Don’t feel you have to stick with the first one you try, either. Therapy is like dating, it’s important to not give up until you find a therapist you feel you can grow to trust. Of course give the therapist three or four sessions before deciding. We do hope you don’t give up, as change truly is possible and nobody should live without the love and intimacy they crave. We wish you well in your journey.
At first, I was amazed by this article and its accurate depiction of those who fear intimacy. And, now, I am completely humbled reading the other commentators’ experiences, and god how it resonates with me. My life has been devoid of any true intimacy or trust in anyone. I keep everyone and anyone at arms’ length. I have no friends, everyone is an acquaintance to me. I’ve never been in a relationship, and push men away when they show any interest. It’s almost like I punish people for liking me by cutting them off completely. I put on a public mask of “perfection” and being “put together” when in reality I’m extremely wounded, and suffering on the inside. No one truly knows who I am. Brokenness is the only thing I’ve ever known, and have never been intimate with anything but brokenness and pain. Consequently, I self- sabotage any good thing that comes along, and push away any true intimacy because love is not a concept I’m familiar with. It’s a foreign territory. Having grown up in a physically and mentally abusive and neglectful home, I’ve internalized feelings of inferiority and worthlessness, and now whenever someone shows me love or affection, I run away because a part of me cannot believe or fathom the notion that I am lovable, that I am worthy of love. Isn’t it funny how now, years and decades after the damage is done, we’ve internalized this psychological oppression where now we have gotten to a point where WE punish ourselves, continuing the seed of damage that our parents had planted in us.
We agree – it is humbling for us, too, to read the comments. Although also we wish it was different, that we lived in a world that prioritised human connection and emotional wellbeing and we could all voice our feelings, instead of being a world where people felt shame and suffer loneliness in silence. What you are talking about is the classic pattern of counter dependency, and fear of intimacy, and just being able to say all this shows you are absolutely ready to now work on finding new ways forward. We hope you give yourself that chance…thank you for sharing.
In a basic psychology course required as part of the core curriculum, we learned about disorders and so forth and the professor warned us that we may feel the urge to diagnose ourselves or others with the concepts we’d learned. I don’t remember what it’s called or how to explain it, but anyway, I don’t know if these fear of intimacy signs really apply to me or if I just think so b/c I read this article. Does that make any sense?
Absolutely. There is a real problem nowadays with everyone self diagnosing using the internet. On the other hand, if you feel deeply alone and disconnected from others, and it’s causing you mild depression, then it’s worth talking to someone about. It doesn’t matter what you call it or what the exact problem is is, that can be something you discover with a therapist, what does matter is that if you are feeling low and have been for more than six weeks, you don’t feel you just have to ‘manage’ or ‘suffer’. Seeing a professional also means you can get a proper diagnosis if required, one based on deep understanding and years of experience, not just a quick google search.
This article fully describes why I’m unable to maintain relationships. Some of the issues really hit home. I can totally agree with the Madonna syndrome. Even though I’m a male, I’ve been told several times throughout my childhood and now adulthood about my appearance. All I can do now is to move forward because if I stay in the past they say you die a little everyday.
This is sadly me too. Had this since I was a teen. Started with a crippling fear (severely limiting my ability to speak and form natural/normal body gestures) if/when a (girl) friend would start to subtly indicate they liked me (a boy). This lead to me always projecting an aura of stay away (when internally i wanted to date these friends). That became a repeating pattern which caused me (over time) to pull away from people (even close friends from my own close friends group).
I’m now 43 so i guess I have built a sort of coping mechanism (as i work ok with others at my job *although i maintain an level of ‘intimacy’ distance*), and i do use methods covered in this article to keep work colleges (and family) from seeing my issue.
I’m inwardly lonely (i guess) but seem to have found a way to exist with that feeling by redirecting my attention to other things if my feelings veer towards the negative. For me, long hours maintaining a professional level of musicianship*really only a hobby as i have a main job during the day* REALLY helps me do this (as well as moderate exercise). I guess others might zen meditate to quiet their emotions/feelings 🙂 ..or take up any number of other hobbies (which eat up a lot of your ‘off’ time).
Anyways enough of me. This article was a positive read and has at the very least given a name to what i may be suffering from (for if/when i do seek help or just speak to others about it). The comments have also given me inspiration (thanks people) as I’ve always felt this was only ‘my’ issue.
Thanks for sharing, Brandon. We would challenge that last comment, though, about ‘just moving forward because if you stay in the past you die a little daily’. The thing about the past is that if it’s around enough we are conscious we are trying to escape it, then usually it means that it is unresolved and actually bothering us deep down, and we need to process some things. Unfortunately, if that’s the case, we CAN’T just ‘leave it behind’. We can’t leave behind our own selves. Sometimes we need to look back to move forward, or at least ‘feel back’, let ourselves process the emotions we are bottling up. Sometimes the decision to finally do so, to finally take an honest look at what is bothering us deep down, can mean that instead of plodding forward we can suddenly be released of long held emotional torment and then we truly can move forward….. just another perspective!
Thanks for this insightful commenting, Andy. We don’t think there is any need to say ‘enough about me’. How about ‘more of me! More! More!’ What if you totally let yourself receive and totally deserve your and our full attention? A possible parallel there between not allowing yourself the attention you deserved from others/girls in childhood. We love your courage to admit you are lonely. And we applaud your self care with your music (which really can be a sort of mindfulness) and exercise. You sound really intelligent and self-aware. We do hope that the if goes to when…. it might take far less time than you think to make progress, it’s always surprising how things can flow out in a counselling room that we were sure we’d never speak. Bon courage….
I’m almost 50 and the last couple of years I’ve had a hunch something is wrong with me. By most people’s measuring sticks, I had a pretty traumatic childhood and though my memory is vague before age 4-5, I probably didn’t get to bond with either parent. One was mentally ill and in and out of mental hospitals, the other was a workaholic and alcoholic. I got to ‘enjoy’ being a guest for extended periods at various people’s homes before age 4, due to that.
I’ve virtually no close friendships and that’s because when people get too close, I start to put up a wall. It’s never been a conscious thing. As a result I’ve felt like nobody likes ME and like I’m always an outsider. Obviously, I’ve spent most of my life creating that ‘outsider’ situation myself.
People think I am ‘such a strong woman’ and ‘admire my strength’, but actually I haven’t got the strength to be the weak person I feel I am. But I’m starting to crack. Though thankfully I’d probably never have the guts to do it, I have since about age 10, thought periodically about death and suicide.
I have problems with rage and have only recently realized I do even though I think since my teens. I can be impulsive and make stupid decisions, especially with relationships.
Are these last two things typical of someone with fear of intimacy too or lack of bonding with parents?
Thank you for this insightful article which has confirmed and put into words how I have felt all my life. I am now 72 and have for years suffered with an inability to make connections with people.. It really does feel like suffering.. … I have good friendships but I always feel an emptiness.. I was abused sexually as a young child but have felt it was rather minor compared to some people’s experiences … as with me there was no actual penetration involved .. however I feel it has left me with an inability to make fulfilling relationships.. thank you for this opportunity to write it down… I don’t expect to feel better…. but maybe it’s not so unusual to feel disconnected
Angela, it’s as if you can sense what is at the root of it, with the abuse? We’d really advise you to take a look at our piece on new definitions of abuse. It’s now understood that psychologically even ‘no contact’ abuse can have severe long term affects. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-child-sexual-abuse-why-your-definition-might-need-updating.htm And yes, is indeed sadly not unusual to feel disconnected, as we live in a society that encourages us feel shame and bury our experiences and feelings. We are committed to working toward a society where we can all feel more connected and where it’s normal and okay to talk about how we feel. We truly believe that each and everyone one of us has the capacity to feel connected, loved, and loving…. it’s never too late! Is there any way you’d consider reaching out for some support, or talk to a counsellor?
They are absolutely symptoms of someone with fear of intimacy who didn’t get a chance to attach to a parent. Look up attachment theory, we think you’ll find it interesting. It is based on the idea that a child needs a trusting, reliable relationship with at least one care giver if they are to successfully have relationships as an adult. What you experienced would absolutely register as abandonment in a child’s mind. No wonder you don’t want to let anyone close! But you are a wise woman, and we love what you say, “I haven’t got the strength to be the weak person I feel I am”. We truly feel allowing ourselves to feel weak and seek support is what strength is, and we’d say you are brave enough to post here, so maybe now it’s time to take that one step further and seek support? Abandonment issues can be treated. You might want to look into schema therapy, for example, where the therapist stands in as the trusting parent figure you never had (sounds weird, but it stays within professional boundaries). Hope this helps. (By the way, impulsivity and rage are also typical with abandonment, and schema therapy would again be a good choice).
I know someone with this problem. But hiw do you approach them and find intimacy with them?
We’d turn this around, and ask, what is it in you that thinks you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is afraid of intimacy, always chasing love from someone who can’t give it? A better question to ask first. There is nothing wrong with dating and loving someone who fears intimacy. We fall in love with people for various reasons and realise later they have intimacy issues. But to know someone has a problem in advance, and then seek out ways to lure them in, that’s different. There is a chance you might want to research codependency.
I keep finding myself involved with men who are this way. I want intimacy, but somehow, I end up with men who, at the onset don’t seem so, but end up being too afraid of getting close because they fear getting hurt.
I can’t figure out why I keep ending up with these men. I’ve heard before and this article seems to support the fact that I, myself, have a fear of intimacy, but I don’t feel that way. I really want that, but since I attract men that end up not wanting it, I don’t ever get there.
I’m so confused and tired of this dating pattern.
Hi Frustrated, it sounds, well, frustrating! One of the key things to also look at is your childhood. Was one of your parents like this? And the other chasing intimacy? Or, more common, did you yourself have to ‘chase’ love from your parents, by being good, smart, and quiet, for example? Or were you accepted just the way you were as a child, even on the days you were grumpy or sad? All good things to discuss with a counsellor. Getting to the bottom of this pattern is something many people seek therapy for, and it’s worth it as it’s a real game changer to finally be able to attract a loving and supportive relationship. Hope that helps.
Hi Harley.
People know so many different versions of me and everybody thinks im so happy and that i have so many friends and always learning new people and like “wonderwoman”. Truth is, i’ve been lonely the past 5 years of my life. Nobody knows anything about me. When i was backpacking i nearly had different identities.
Now ive been “hiding” in my mothers apartment for a year, nobody knows where i am, i just want to be able to be who i am without pretending anything and to be able to say my problems and be “annoying” as well as happy.
This is what i was searching for!!
Thank you so much!!!! I want to let people in. If you have any books – please do write me!!! Im scared to be more than 3 months at a certain place because then people need to get to know me better.
Kind regards.
This is funny. My Dad is abusive and comes from a family of police officers. We could never go to the police, because they only take cases of abuse in the area it happened which just so happens every station in that area had/has at least one of our family members stationed there. DCFS is a bunch of discriminatory losers who are no help at all. “Oh yeah. This is abuse, but you’re just an autistic kid, nothing you say can be right… I’m sorry, we don’t know who did this, so we can’t do anything because photo evidence means nothing to us.” Yep, that’s life. I guess enough bluish, purplish, blackish handprints that remained in the shape of a hand for well over a week mean nothing if I’m the one with it. That’s just one account too. The only account we’ve gone to anybody about. Plus my mom’s a manipulative control freak you doesn’t know the meaning of the word “truth” and I didn’t have an actual friend until I was in fourth grade… or was it fifth grade? I’m not sure. Either way all of the people I cared about either hurt me, died, or left me, all but my best and only friend. Not to mention I got beat up daily by my classmates for years and the teachers, convinced I was less than human, encouraged it. I’ve even had teachers who joined in. Granted, things are better now. With my second persona everyone, but my family likes me, but I’ve always been lonely. I always wondered why I backed out of every commitment, anything long term with a person, friendship, relationship, they were dreams of mine that I ALWAYS ended. I never understood why, but this is a bit of a wake up call here. I know I have an inferiority complex. I’ve hidden that by being unapproachable in my “perfection” but even someone with an inferiority complex should be able to keep normal friendships and not back out. I mean, sure my sister’s always been perfect at everything and flaunted everything in my face, got praised, loved by our parents, while if I did the same things no one ever cares, I’m so useless compared to her… but that shouldn’t stop me from having friends. I saw this website and if fit every one of the signs to a T. It was startling to say the least. It definitely makes sense with my sorry excuse of a life though. Luckily, I won’t need to find a therapist, I already have one! Haha. My life is so messed up it makes me laugh. Gotta find joy somehow.
Gosh, this is truly heart rending to read. We’re glad you have a therapist – we hope it’s one you can trust and who helps you. Families are tough places sometimes, and growing up can be nothing short of a victory. Somehow in your message, beneath all of the suffering and the self-deprecation and the humour, is a vulnerability that we feel is real strength (as composed to the tough guy persona). There is a lot of courage involved in sharing all this. We hope you keep going. Authenticity and vulnerability are great gifts, and if you can manage not to lose them entirely under the false self you’ve decided helps you get by, when the time comes you are finally independent from your family and able to make choices as to where and how you’ll lead your life, we are fairly certain you will find those friends you seek. We wish you well.
You suggested reading books on the topic, do you have any specific recommendations?
We are so glad the article was helpful. Getting to a point where you are actually really longing for and ready to be yourself, ‘warts and all’, as they say, is very powerful. This kind of experience, where your own identity is flexible, can come from a childhood where you had to be ‘pleasing’ and ‘good’ to be loved, so it’s worth reaching out for some support if you can, either a counsellor or psychotherapist, as getting to the root of this issue can be very healing yet hard on your own. As for books, there is a good book on counterdependency called “The Flight From Intimacy – Healing Your Relationship of Counterdependence” by the Weinholds. It’s quite a serious psychology book but not too hard to read. Other ones you might consider are Brene Brown’s “The Gift of Imperfection” and Christine Arylo’s book “Madly In Love With Me”. Hope that helps!
Yes, depending on your age range/interests…. a very good book is “The Flight From Intimacy – Healing Your Relationship of Counterdependence” by the Weinholds. It’s quite a serious psychology book but very clearly written so a smooth and very useful read. Another one you might consider that works at self-acceptance (critical to letting people in) is Brene Brown’s “The Gift of Imperfection”. If you understand a bit about psychology or have done some therapy already, there is a wonderful book called “The Drama of Being a Child” by Alice Miller that is a classic and can be an eye opener if you want to understand how you ended up unable to let people know the real you or even to know the real you yourself. For younger women who want a more popular style, we’d suggest Christine Arylo’s book “Madly In Love With Me” to raise self-esteem to the point you can have a relationship. There is a sea of books on Amazon about allowing intimacy, but we haven’t read them yet so can’t say which ones are the best, but suggest you have a look and see what seems right for you. Good luck!
Like all the other comments here, I agree and think that I have a problem with intimacy. I don’t remember who pointed it out or when it started. But as I observe my relationships with my friends, colleagues and family I realise it’s deep rooted.
I push people away when they get too close. I mever reveal what’s really on my mind. Dishonesty in everything- words, expressions, actions- is second nature. I can maintain a poker face and pretend it’s all fine when I’m going mad inside. I feel ashamed of showing vulnerability.
All the men I choose to be are the type who will eventually leave. In fact, I start thinking of how it will end before it even starts. I start hating all the guys I choose. They get too close either physically or otherwise and I’m always finding ways to push them away. Or I crush on unattainable men who are already in love.
I think I know why I’m this way and it makes me so angry to remember it all. Again, as the article says, it stems from my childhood and having no adult I could trust. On some level, I don’t think I’ll ever trust adults despite being one myself.
If this is permanent them so be it. But if I could change I’d like to.
-Rinchen
Hi,
I never thought I will have fear of intimacy until I read this article. It actually scares me how all of the criteria match really well with my condition and personality. Thank you for posting it and make me know myself a little bit better now.
Rinchen, thank you for your honest sharing. Just to say that we absolutely do not feel it’s permanent. Many people with terrible childhoods and no capacity to trust have learned to and it’s possible for you, too, we fully believe that. Of course it is not an overnight thing, it requires seriousl committment to personal growth and usually support. We’d suggest you read our article on the types of therapy that are designed particulary to help with relationships https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/find-a-relationship-what-therapy-helps.htm. Hope it helps!
Glad to be of help.
So I fall into 17% of the adult population. After graduating college I found everything from my childhood and smashed, burned or tossed away in the trash. It was liberating! I never dated u til I was an adult. Seldom as that was, it was futile and empty. Oddly now, I find myself married for over 20 years to one of the only two females I could ever connect with. It gave me the outward appearance of normalcy. So far it is working.
Thanks for sharing Thomas. While it might have felt liberating, there is a sense here you are not happy and feel disconnected, as if you have to fake your life and have an ‘outward appearance’ that is ‘working’. Smashing and throwing things out can’t in the end get rid of the childhood experiences we had that might block us from the love and intimacy we crave. Those need to be looked at and processed so that we can ‘de-numb’ and feel again. We do believe it is possible, no matter how ’empty’ someone feels, and no matter how many years we’ve managed to soldier on… that it’s never too late to unblock ourselves.
It seems quite obvious to me my wife suffers from this. A product of a mother incapable of loving. My question is, can fear of intimacy cause one to be sexually cold. After 30 years of marriage, she has never been able to enjoy sex, no interest or pleasure in receiving or in giving. She actually dislikes being touched intimately . She says it feels almost numb there and thinks women who enjoy sex are merely faking it.
Do I have any reason to hope for change when she denies a problem exists?
Hi Charles, change can always happen, but of course a person needs to want to change. 30 years is a long time. And unfortunately, you can’t change another person or seek counselling for them, no matter how much you care for them. The only person you have any power over here is yourself. And there are a lot of other questions we have other than the one you ask, which perhaps we ask as if you have stayed in this relationship despite a lack of intimacy for 30 year. Why are you focussing on this now and not then? What has changed for you? Are you happy in the relationship? And in your life right now? Is this the only problem in the relationship? Or is there something else about it, or life, that is bothering you? What is it you have been thinking and feeling lately? These are the kinds of beginning questions you could talk about with a counsellor or therapist. Hope that helps.
Omg.. I feel like my eyes have been opened… My best friend told me that I am like the Tin Man and how tragic it is.. I cannot seem to cry nor let people near enough to hurt me even my husband. We are going through a lot of problems at the moment and I am realizing that I have a lot of deep-seated unresolved issues that are affecting my relationships. I’ve never had a problem letting people of the same gender into my life and getting to know me. But I keep people of the opposite gender at arm’s length.. Perhaps it came from losing my Dad to an accident at such a young age. And I was such a Daddy’s girl. I sometimes think it ruined my faith in the world forever and now I find myself in a codependent – counterdependent relationship.. I have a lot of stuff to work on, but this article is an eye opener and an amazing first step…
We are glad to hear it was of help! And it must have been tremendously hard for you to lose your father at a young age, there is a very real possibility that affected your ability to trust men fully, definitely something worth exploring. We wish you courage!
This article really resonates with me. I guess I have no choice but to admit that I have a fear of intimacy, a fear of someone else seeing into me and knowing me deeply. And that truly hurts. More than a few of these points are spot on. I am the strong one. Whether I take up that mantle willingly, or have it thrust upon me, things always seem to turn out that way. I feel that showing my pain, my weaknesses, and my vulnerabilities is a no-no, unallowed, and unwanted. And it’s becoming exhausting. I feel like it definitely has a childhood source. Maybe growing up with a father addicted to drugs for 20 years is the cause. I love him dearly, but the amount of struggle, shame, fear, and embarassment that his actions forced into my mother, my five siblings, and myself has got to count for something. I remember not wanting anyone to see him in his condition because, in a way, they’d be seeing me and what I dealt with. Maybe that has imprinted itself into my unconscious behavior and thinking patterns? I don’t know. But I do know this: I am grateful for this article. I feel like I can consciously try to grow from this point onwards.
We are so happy to hear it helped. Thank you. And you are brave to admit there is a problem, and that the problem is painful. You very wisely can see how it might stem from childhood patterns (and that does make clear sense, what you describe). Of course knowing the problem is one thing. Feeling all the feelings around the problem, finding our way through that, is another. As is learning how to step out of the pattern and try new ways of being and relating. But it is entirely possible that this can be achieved. You already have tremendous self honesty and compassion, too, for both your father and even yourself. Which is great to see. But if you could gather your courage and seek some support to take those next steps forward, we believe you could see the results you deserve and start to break down those walls and change those deep-rooted core beliefs that trap you into the same box again and again.
It was me 5 out of 7. I have been tring to find if there is something wrong in me that needs to get corrected to live a better life for several years now. I findout I have OCPD as well. I wander if there is any relationship between fear of intimacy and OCPD. Thanks for great article! It gave me a new insight into my behaviour and their reasons. I will bigin with book recommended here
“The Flight From Intimacy” by Janae and Barry Weinhold
We are glad the article helped. Yes, there is a link between OCPD and fear of intimacy, in that those with OCPD find having relationships harder than other people. We really hope the book is helpful, and good for you for bravely working to understand yourself.
I really don’t know what’s wrong with me I think I have intimacy disorder as I said in an earlier article.
Never had any girlfriends in my teens or twenties and so on obviously suffered with low self-esteem,
Never had that close friendship with anyone only acquaintances I never mixed with other children until I started school so it was difficult for me to make friends easily.
I wonder if I suffered with some kind of Asperger’s syndrome I asked my doctor about that and he said I was just trying to put a label on myself but I don’t feel as if I have developed as a true mature adult. I came from truly loving parents maybe I got too much love from them and too much overprotection that I found it hard to move forward, never left home was with them until they both past away 10 years ago don’t really know what to do now if I have some kind of mental disorder at least I’ll know what’s going on because It doesn’t seem normal to me. Maybe I need some kind of psychological therapy as I’ve tried most other things as far as counselling
Reading this article, some of these points (forcefully upbeat, strong opinions that angered me before, unable to recall her past, people having different impressions of her, tending to be self-reliant) sounds like one of my relatives. I suspected that she’s Dismissive Avoidant in not only any of those but that she often has claims of struggles she mostly barely remembers has made her stronger in a strangely calm tone of voice.
That’s understandable but I kept on asking her on why she doesn’t remember school and nursing, she says ‘she doesn’t know’. Even then I assumed she may have repressed it real hard for fear of embarrassment or shame. I admit to repressing my real emotions and memories before but it gave me immense anxiety that I have to speak it out and then eventually reveal what’s troubling me.
I tried following another relative’s advice of keeping quiet with such feelings and be forcefully upbeat but it didn’t work well for me in the long run, if anything it aggravated problems. I guess I eventually got out in time though I don’t know when will she get out assuming she’s raised by this person but to the point of being unable to remember what really happened other than choosing another field because the actual events would’ve been more shameful.
We are really sorry to hear that your doctor didn’t take your question about Asperger’s seriously. It’s true that labels can be damaging for some, and your doctor probably wanted to keep your confidence high and be kind, but on the other hand, it sounds like you were asking for support and help. And that is something that should be taken seriously. We aren’t sure what you mean by ‘tried most other things as far as counselling’. And we can’t give any diagnosis via the internet. But psychological therapies can definitely be very helpful if we have difficulties relating. We’d suggest you look at our two other articles that talk about what therapies best help with relating bit.ly/feelunloveable and bit.ly/findlovetherapy
Thanks for sharing Ada. It’s hard when we feel we know what’s wrong with another person and what could help. But in the end, the only person we can help is ourselves. And sometimes by letting go and leaving others to lead their life in the way that works for them, however flawed we might find it, but then helping ourselves and taking care of our own problems, we inspire the other person to do something about their situation. So the best thing you can do here is find support for yourself, and focus on your own emotions and anxieties. If they are overwhelming, do seek support.
Fear of intimacy,
is the only fear,
noone can hold your hand through.
(pil)
It’s poetic, but unfortunately we disagree. The only way to work through fear of intimacy is support. We don’t work through fears hiding, we work through fears by trying relationships anyway, being honest that they are challenging for us and choosing a partner willing to work through things with us, then working with a therapist to give us the the support to recognise old unhelpful patterns and try new ones. So essentially you can have fear of intimacy and a therapist can metaphorically hold your hand while a partner really does.
This really resonated with me. Seeing yourself as that positive soul who others can rely on is the perfect deflection away from oneself. It isn’t about not loving the people around you but knowing that you can’t rely on others to make you happy. To love oneself isn’t easy for some. I know. But it will get better. Thank you for this post
Well said! And glad it helped.
Great article. i wish I had this information years ago. I have suffered from intimacy anxiety all my life and, unlike many it also effected my ability to perform sexually. Since my teens I found that my sexual functioning was fine until a relation would begin to form and then after two or three sexual encounters with the same woman it was like someone turned off a switch. I would loose all desire for her and would lose my ability to ejaculate and soon after I would lose my erection and no matter how hard I would try my sexual functioning would not return with that person. When i was single I figured it was simple sexual boredom and I would move on to another woman until it happened again. Needless to say when I finally married at age 35 I began suffering these dysfunctions with my wife. Being an understanding person she suggested we go into Sex therapy which was a disaster. No matter what the Therapist had us try it failed and we both became discouraged and my wife tended to blame herself for the fact I had no sexual desire for her. Our marriage has now been sexless since the beginning almost 25 years. It wasn’t until recently that I began to read about intimacy anxiety, intimacy anorexia and sexual anorexia and finally began to see a pattern. Thank you for publishing this important article. It’s too late for me but hopefully others will be able to discover what is causing their intimacy problems and get help while they are still young.
Sam we really don’t feel it’s too late for you and we are really sorry to hear this and to hear that therapy failed you. There is obviously a link for you. Sometimes with sexual issues newer, brain-based techniques can provide results when talk therapy fails. For example, if you had one marked trauma in life this might all stem from, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) is an option. Hypnotherapy can sometimes help (make sure you work with a licensed, experienced hypnotherapist with experience with this issue), and there is a new technique called Brainworking Recursive Therapy, BWRT, which has seen results with erectile dysfunction (although it is not recognised by the BACP so you’d be trying it at your own peril and we are not licensed to recommend it).
I’m sorry about this I’ve been on here so many times before but my intimacy problem seems to be getting worse when I’m around some people I’m ok to start out with but sometimes if I feel I’m being shut out because I can’t always get into the subject they might be talking about I’ve still never been in any kind of friend ship ever and I’m now 57 I also have a social anxiety issue along with it as well amongst other things. I used to think it was all down to shyness but after all these years it hasn’t really changed a great deal. Do you think I need to see a professional therapist.
Hi John, it does sound like there is more to it than shyness, and it also sounds tremendously lonely. Seeing a therapist would be a wonderful idea. You don’t have to be ‘crazy’ to see a therapist! It helps with all kinds of issues. A therapist, for example, can help you practice your social skills and ways of relating. Also, John, if you have social anxiety obviously the entire process of going to the therapist might be terrifying. Don’t worry. They are used to people being nervous. Furthermore, nowadays you can do therapy over online or even phone. So you don’t have to leave your house. If that is of interest you might want to look at our new site, https://harleytherapy.com/, where you can find online and phone therapy to suit different budgets. Of course what is not important is whether you book with us, just that you seek some support, so go with wherever feels right for you! We wish you courage.
Thank you for your reply. I can’t understand why I don’t feel ‘deppressed’ With this ‘which is not a bad thing I suppose’ although there are times when I feel anxious about being on my own when I feel at a bit of a loss when I feel people are judging me because some people I can feel comfortable & open with & some I don’t or feel awkward around is it those that can see those sort of things and would take advantage of which I don’t think fare or is it just me seeing into things that are not there.
I believe I am and probably always have been stuck in a comfort zone or friend zone even so maybe the pain in me is so deep rooted that in the end you don’t realise just how much it hurts now I really don’t know and I’m sorry if I seem like in the recent passed on here dwelling on the same thing all the time it’s just leaving me a bit confused with it all. I am trying to become more social/outgoing so I’m not a hermit but I feel more safer it would seem in my comfort zone or when I’m at home! There maybe more!
Hi John. Again, we couldn’t say over a comment, nor could anyone say without knowing you and having a proper look at your life history, personality traits, behaviours, etcetera. We are all unique. Some of us have ways of acting and behaving that are different than the ‘norm’. And it can be due to so many things. Sometimes this even means we have what’s called a ‘personality disorder’ which is a horrible sounding term that just means from adolescence onwards we think and behave in ways that are different than normal people, which makes relating to others hard. All this to say, if you are worried and confused, best bet is to see a counselling psychologist or psychotherapist and share all these concerns. They would be able to help you identify what your core issues are and then help decide what your goals are and find ways to create the life that works to make you feel comfortable. Because at the end of the day the ‘what is it’ is less important than the ‘how can I manage’.
How do I find out if I have some kind of Personality disorder I also suffer with bottled up emotions as well and therapy can be quite costly. Some of the people I work with I feel can be quite critical toward me sometimes in the work I do is it because they think I’m stupid or maybe there jealous of me, I mean they are adults can that happen which can make me feel uncomfortable at time and afraid I may make a mistake, do I really have to put up with such things at my time of life or is it that I’m too much of a sensitive person. This sort of thing I think is sometimes stopping me moving on in life on things I want to do?
Hi John, there are many ways to find affordable therapy nowadays. Read our piece on low cost counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy and also our piece on how actually therapy MAKES you money https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/therapist-costs-makes-you-money.htm. Yes, some of us are sensitive, yes colleagues can be hard to get on with. And yes this can all stop us from moving forward. Support can help, but you have to be ready to change. If not, then the choice is to accept our life as it is and our suffering. After all you don’t have to try therapy. Your life is up to you. You are in charge! We wish you courage.
Thank you for your help. I sometimes wonder if it’s me because of my situation on being too oversentive to some people’s comments or attitude toward me, the most are ok or maybe I can feel comfortable with with some & not others but it seems it’s always been that way with me.
Like not talking in a conversation depending on the subject or being too quiet at times or most times.
Being oversensitive can definitely make relating to others hard.
I don’t know how to have respect for others including my family members. I have no sense and control over my anger. I sent nasty and vulgar emails and phone calls to my sister and sadly I find pleasure in it. I know I am sick in head and have sexual thought and dreams about my mother.
That’s a lot of self hatred and judgement, and both self hatred and judgement drive us to do these sorts of things, as if to ‘prove’ to ourselves how horrible we are. When we are not. We are just a human who is really hurt, really scared, and not sure how to handle things. If you were such a horrible person you wouldn’t be here doing the research to try to get to the bottom of it. We’d imagine there is a childhood root or several roots to this. If you have the courage perhaps the best thing here would be finding the courage to find a good counsellor or therapist you feel at least reasonably comfortable with and working on all this. A good therapist will be totally non judgmental and create a very safe environment for you. We wish you courage!
What do they actually call it if someone can feel comfortable around some people or somebody and not others or maybe lives in the past so much?
Hi John, there is no special term for that that we know of. Most of use feel comfortable around some people and not others. We feel comfortable around people who share our culture and values, and not as comfortable around people who don’t. Living in the past is a separate issue and just a personal issue not at all a disorder.
Hi it’s John here again and I haven’t been on here for a while now but when I have left comments on here in the past it has been issues that I have hoped you would’ve been able to answer and most of the time you have done but I have another issue which I have thought about when I’ve asked advice on like not feeling quite normal on when asking about intimacy or a fear of because of being a or somewhat of a slow starter in life. Maybe past issues have lead me to become not so much of a slow starter but maybe I am not of my normal years in other words I am backward some people are several years behind what they should be or slow learners/Slow advancers. Sorry maybe this is not a frequently asked question but can you advise.
Hi John. We’d just question where you get the idea that there are ‘normal’ levels that we are ‘supposed’ to be at. In our understanding this is simply not true. We are all unique. We have our own rhythms, our own ways of learning, our own speeds. There is no real ‘normal’ it’s a myth. Everyone struggles with something! We feel the real question here is about self-esteem. There is always self-judgement in the comments you leave. What if it’s okay to just be you, to just be at the level you are at? What if you are doing the best you can and that is ok?
This is exactly me. Especially the part about going for emotionally unavailable men. I’ve been hung up on this one guy for a while who is already in a relationship. I love him so much. Yet whenever the opportunity presents itself to tell him how I feel, I can’t. Not because I’m afraid of rejection, but because I’m terrified of becoming close with him. I feel very uncomfortable when I think about being intimate with him, or anyone. Even though I love him, it really scares me. I truly need help with this. I can’t go on feeling this way.
As you have correctly identified, the real issue is why you are going after someone already in a relationship. We think not telling him how you feel is actually fair on him. It’s not fair to tell someone who is already involved that you like them, it puts him or her in a very awkward position. So it becomes about, what core beliefs do you have that drive you to spend all your emotional and mental energy on a situation where you cannot win. Do you believe you don’t deserve love? That you deserve to suffer? You say ‘I love him so much’, but how can you love someone you are not in a relationship with? Are you best friends, have you known him for years, have you had many bonding experiences with him? Or somehow, deep down, did you at one point take on the belief that ‘love is suffering’? That love is spending all your time obsessing on someone you hardly know. Love is neither of these. At all. Love, among other things, is spending quality time with someone who respects you and who supports you to be your best self, even as you support and respect them. We’d also mention that this sort of pattern can be an addiction, ‘romance addiction’, where we are addicted to causing ourselves pain by obsessively thinking about someone unavailable to us or who we don’t really know that well. And like any addiction, at root it’s a pattern of avoiding emotional pain by obsessing on something. In summary, we do agree that you ‘need help with this’. These patterns run deep and are inevitably connected to childhood experiences. we’d suggest you seek out the support of a counsellor or psychotherapist to get to the root of this issue once and for all.
Well I have known him for five years, I know him very well. I work with him everyday. We are very good friends, and I have helped him through breakups (before my strong feelings developed) and he has helped me through some very rough times. So yes, I know him very well, and we are very close. I developed feelings for him before he was ever in a relationship, when he was available, but I waited to tell him how I felt.
Anyways, to address the other thing you mentioned, I do believe I don’t deserve love. I have massive insecurities. Mostly about my appearance. I know it doesn’t matter how you look if someone truly loves you, but physical attraction is important, and I don’t think that anyone can be attracted to me.
But what I am most concerned about is how I can let go of him. Someone else has him, and I can never be with him, how can I help my situation when I have to work with him everyday?
Hi Eliza, we didn’t know you worked together. That is really hard. It sounds like you are good friends. So what we’d say here is that the best thing to do is to address those insecurities as soon as you can with some proper support and just keep putting the focus on yourself. Most workplaces provide some coverage for counselling, see if yours does. When we get hung up on how we look we can close down other very attractive energies within ourselves…. we think it’s just our looks, but in fact it’s that we come across as unhappy and negative because our lack of self-love radiates out. This works for everyone. That’s why some people, who are not even remotely traditionally ‘beautiful’ or ‘handsome’, seem to never have a problem with dating… their inner confidence is magnetic. You have resources inside you are probably overlooking, but a therapist can help you see. As for this man, you have to work with your own interests here. If you really want to tell him, that’s up to you, but would it make working together better or worse? Think carefully. We’d suggest you work with a counsellor on it first, he or she can help you process all the emotions around it which actually come from other things, so that if you did tell him it would be calm and drama free. Otherwise, if you are really deeply unhappy, see what other choices are available. There’s no use making yourself nuts if there are other options. Is there a way to progress your career by going elsewhere, are you in any way holding yourself back career wise to stay near him? We wish you courage.
Yes it is very hard. It would most likely make working with him uncomfortable if I told him how I felt, just because he is currently dating someone (and it’s very serious). So I won’t tell him. Unfortunately I cannot get a different job. So I have to detach myself from him I guess. Which isn’t easy when you’ve fallen in love with someone. But thank you for the help, some things you have said really opened my eyes.
I have to try to reverse the feelings or something, because it is making me very unhappy. I actually feel pain in my chest when I think about it. Is that something that happens? Thinking about him with someone else physically makes me feel like I will be sick. I know he’s happy, so I wouldn’t want to come between him and his girlfriend. But I am miserable.
Hi Eliza, yes, sounds like anxiety (of course we always advise to get a physical checkup if you are having physical symptoms). Definitely consider support. A good place to start if you feel nervous of therapy would be CBT. It’s short term, it focuses on the present over the past, and it helps you change your thoughts, which is particularly helpful if our thoughts are mono-focussed on someone. It’s also proven to help with anxiety. Good luck!
I have recently been on a cruise for the very first time too Norway and it was very beautiful but as somebody who suffers with social phobia in a lot of cases I’m wondering if this was the right move for me as I didn’t indulge in a lot of the activities on board the ship. The food was great, the cabin or stateroom was fine, people were friendly and helpful and I was with my sister and a couple of friends of hers came along but I didn’t feel all that comfortable with them even though one of them I’ve known for most of my life. When I wasn’t out on shore visiting places where we called at, I would usually go back to the ship and back to my cabin until one of them would call me ‘usually my sister would ring my room to say we’re going for tea,coffee or cake and sometimes I would join them and sometimes I wouldn’t which I sometimes made me feel guilty or they would go to the theatre on board the ship or some of the many clubs. Maybe I’d’ve been better off just staying by the bar in the piazza just enjoying a drink by myself as for the others were all ladies and they have there own things to talk about and I was the only mail in the group even though they weren’t, shutting me out at all or am I just ranting on about something for the sake of ranting. 😬😧
Hi John, it sounds like you felt different and that’s made you feel a lot of guilt. It’s absolutely okay to not do things the way that others around you are, and you shouldn’t feel guilty. Just listen to yourself and what works and doesn’t for you, which it sounds like you did. So be proud that you made choices that were self care instead of just trying to please others. We are sure your friends understood and can see you just need some space now and then.
I have been struggling with intimacy fear since my early teenage. Ever since i got circumcised i’ve feared showing myself naked to other people (especially girls). I generally have good connection with girls and i’ve been on the bridge of several relationships but i never seem to get to the point where we actually get together. People see me as a really funny and smart guy, and i dont have like a ton of friends but the ones i have are the ones i need. I recently fell in love again after moving away to another city to study, and this girl is top notch so i’m worried i’m gonna screw it up again. I think the problem lies within my fear of opening up myself to the individual i have a connection with and sharing my innermost feelings with them, which i always do after its over. (for instance when she’s found another one or just friendzoned me). I’ve had casual sex with some girls but only for one nightstands (which is only when i’m “drunk enough”) which would be nice to turn around for a change. The girls i have bonded with also seem to give me some sort of hints which i reject immediately by joking around and changing the subject. I haven’t really been friends with any girls until recently, but i was once in love with her to. I just dont seem to be interested in having a friendly relationship with them, which i guess is because i feel like i ought to have a sexual relationship and if it doesn’t lead to that i just dont have any reason to stay in contact.Which is why i forced myself to stay in contact with the latest of my flirts in the hopes that it might be educational for me. I moved to the new city i’m in right now with 2 of my good friends and a girl they have gotten to know over here and we instantly bonded. Its not love as i do not intend to have any sort of physical relationship with her, but she constantly questions why i’ve never had a girlfriend and keeps bragging about how funny and good looking i am. This brings me to my question, why do i not have any problem with having a friendly relationship with either boys or girls, but find it difficult to develop an emotional and sexual relationship?
Hi Andy, sounds tough. We can’t tell you based on a comment why you are how you are – you sound a smart young man, if it was that simple, you’d have figured it out by now. And if any of us were that simple, life would be so much easier! We are complicated, us humans. Our experiences shape us, and sometimes it’s experiences we have managed to ‘forget’, or told ourselves didn’t matter… but they did. Our best bet is that a combination of the way you were parented and certain experiences in the past have formed how you feel about intimacy. You mention the circumcision, which seems to have been a traumatic experience for you. Sometimes trauma can build on past trauma, ‘triggering’ it, so to speak, or causing the cup to overflow. So perhaps this was the final thing for you that pushed you to a point you feel you must protect yourself at all costs from someone getting too close. Hence you are friend zone people you like – then you don’t risk losing them. We would, in your case, given that you are obviously really struggling, and that we imagine there are some complex issues that need airing, processing, and healing, highly recommend you seek support. Do you have any budget? Are there therapists in your area? IF you are a student, many colleges and universities offer free or low cost counselling, definitely worth looking into. Good luck.
I have never been “close” to anyone from childhood to now (early 50’s). On my third marriage- never truly opened up to anyone. Each husband with different reasons were not around much (severe depression/couldn’t handle family, self absorbed/busy elsewhere, and high anxiety with the need to sacrifice time with family because he feel he needs to be always earning money). A few times I may have worked in a light dialogue centered on something of importance to me and it was either ignored, used against me, or completely taken out of context. I have noticed that others can get angry or upset but if I ever exhibited even a bit of upset (never angry) I am in the wrong or being asked “what’s wrong with you?” I shut down, walls up and I don’t care if you are unaware of what is happening with me. I have no need/want of intimacy from my husband- Married 7 yrs now. When we were intimate – lights had to be off and I always hide my body anytime I need to change or get dressed. my husband is gone 95% of the time (owner operator/over the road) I caretake for my mom (Parkinsons) attend school and work part time. My boys are pretty much into their lives – I never like to “sit and chat” feel its unproductive and I refuse to have fake conversations. I feel relationships are just emotional and I would rather being doing something productive mentally or physically. The few family get together I am busy cleaning, cooking, or helping out in some other way. Sitting and talking is sooo uncomfortable to me. I can honestly say no one really knows all that much about me- they assume they know. I identify with the article close to 100%. I realize I feel safer when no one has an “attachment” to me. I am not sure if I could get to the point of truly “letting my hair down” with anyone- feels unnatural to think about- the “diagnosis” is interesting.
Hi Marie, it’s interesting, isn’t it, how you are protesting on one hand, almost proud of your defences even, but on the other hand angry at people for not seeing through your watertight defences. What really comes across to us as well as this anger is a deep loneliness and unhappiness. This way of living is not working for you much as you are trying to tell yourself it is. So what are you going to do about it? Now that you realise the issue lies with you? Yes, any sort of change will feel awkward and uncomfortable at first, even terrifying. But change is possible. Much as you so carefully built this defence system, you can carefully dismantle it. We would highly recommend you seek some professional support with this. Best, HT
Hello, I identify with some of what’s in this article… I am considered to be intelligent at times but mostly people seem to get a good chuckle with me. I have always had a touch of self loathing and rarely had motivation to change in my youth. I had a period where I got fit and was enrolled with the marines and my confidence was at a high, but I lost hearing in an ear due to brain trauma and that ended all that. That is possibly neither here nor there as that was more then 10 years ago now, and I find myself the most depressed and lonely I have ever been. I find myself now latching on to people I have no chance with, and worse I cant even tell them how I really feel as it wouldn’t be fair to them and I am terrified of losing them as a friend. I just kinda hate myself now, and know I need to work on myself again to correct that but also kinda wanna just let my own inadequacies finish me off… I dont know why I am burdening internet people with this nonsense other then you had some logical responses to people here, and I guess I just wanna see if my broke is worthy of acknowledging… then maybe that’s the most pathetic thing about me seeking acknowledgement from the internet because I’m such a coward. The only times I’ve been truthful about my mental state with close friends has been on cocaine, which I only do on rare occasions much like how often I leave the house now… I hate everything and that feels like all I ever put out into the world, and I hate myself for that too.
Hey PH. Gosh that is hardly a touch but a massive truck full of serious self-loathing going on. It almost feels like an addictive self need to put yourself down. What it doesn’t feel is remotely logical. So we’d suspect you are addicted to cognitive distortions http://bit.ly/cognitivedistortionlist. We find it interesting that you claim an obviously massive medical injury is ‘neither here nor there’. We’d suspect it was a huge trauma for you, hence you unconsciously drop it in. Injury can cause serious mental health aftermath, particularly if it was attained in a traumatic way, do read our article on this https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/injury-and-depression.htm. You might even have PTSD from the sounds of it. What we DON’T see evidence of, however, is cowardice or inadequacy. you sound far more like a guy who had a tough time that really knocked his sense of self who can’t seem to find his footing again but is brave enough to be out there looking for a thread of some sort to grasp onto. We are rather sure there are tons of things likeable about you but you just need to gain the clarity to see them again, and to see what matters to the person you are now, and how to find people who actually share values with you and easily appreciate you instead of chasing the attention of people who might not really be as much what you think you like as you are telling yourself (often, after big life changes, we need to expand our perspective and social circles to find people who match who we are now). Would we suggest therapy or support? Absolutely, and not as we are a therapy company. But because this level of low self-esteem is very serious, and because trauma is tough, it’s hard to work through alone, we need some support. You might want to consider EMDR, or clinical hypnotherapy, or a round of CBT therapy. Read our article on things that help trauma here. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/trauma-therapy-what-works.htm. In summary, take the courage that had you post here and do whatever you can to turn that into courage to get some real, in person help. Best, HT.
I am not sure that I fit the mold exactly, but a lot of the article resonated with me. I don’t really know if I have problems with intimacy or something else. Let me explain my situation.
I have no problem opening up and bonding with someone who is strong and doesn’t NEED me (I actually have two long standing friends who I feel safe with). But as soon as I a sense that someone is unstable or troubled and needing my help I feel trapped and suffocated. My throat actually starts closing and I feel the desperate need to “escape”. I also feel the same way when someone keeps pushing a relationship with me when I am not reciprocating.
When I was growing up, my mother was often unstable and troubled and tried to commit suicide more than once over a period of 10-15 years. I, being the oldest, and yet a teen, fell into a savior role. The experience was literally soul draining and terrifying in so many ways.
Often times, I feel like I just want people to leave me alone. Yet, I need people and can’t go into hibernation.
Hi there, we think you know where this is all coming from as you mention your difficult childhood with an unstable mother. Working with a therapist on this could really help you recognise and then change these patterns. If being needed as a child came at such a huge cost, essentially the price of getting to be a child, it’s hardly surprising you’d have a fear factor now as an adult. We’d also imagine you are very uncomfortable with needing others, hence you pull back.
Hey…I don’t know where to start.I’ve always had the perfect family…..or maybe not.Most of my life I’ve just been taught to never complain about what I have lest God takes it away. But to be honest…my parents were never there for me when I was little. I lived my whole childhood with nannies and books. Not surprisingly I’m an introvert. But things slowly changed after my younger sister died. I guess my mum finally noticed me and slowly started building a relationship with me.but again to be honest I’ve never been able to let her in completely. But my dad,I feel like he rejects me every day.never talks to me never looks at me,once I asked my mum about this and she gave a vague explanation about my dad respecting my space…it doesn’t feel that way though .Also I was mocked and bullied a lot for my speech disorder when I was younger.It got better but to be honest the trauma of having kids laugh at me never left. Then came high school where I was too( underdeveloped if you catch my drift). I was constantly called unlovable,ugly too small for any boy to want.It got to my head I admit.I’ve always had friendships.Just acquitances.people who had a shoulder to lean on from me..they depended on me for support,positivity,the whole shebang. But I never let anyone know the real me. I do have really strong opinions too about stuff,especially feminism due to the resentment I hold towards my dad for ignoring my existence( though he provides I just don’t feel him as a dad at all( I’ve been through depression and slowly lifted my self up brushed my self and come back. I never told anyone anything at all.I’ve tried suicide more than 5 times in my life.It always seems like the easiest way out. I’m in university but unlike what everyone would expect ,I’m not proud of myself at all.people consider me funny and intelligent but to be honest that is not the real me.I’m always pushing people away…for a long time till I met this girl who was willing to be my friend. But after some time I got afraid we were getting too close and I ghosted her for weeks. She is mad at me,I’m afraid I’ve totally messed up but I really don’t know what to do.I agree I have intimacy issues and I want to fix it.I don’t want to lose the first person who has stayed with me through all my imperfections and has never left. I just want to be the best friend she has ever had.I want to fix my d coz I can’t keep hanging on mistakes of the past.please help
Ps: sorry for the long post.it’s pretty hard to put all my emotions here knowing someone is gonna read it..it kinda feels like weakness
Hi there. So for starters, there is no ‘perfect family’. Ever. As humans we are all flawed. And human relationships are difficult. So every family has issues. That is not what matters. What matters is that you feel safe, like you can trust your family, and that you feel loved. Which you don’t. And now that is spilling over into any new relationship you attempt to have. You are young still, it’s normal to feel a ton of emotions and still be learning how to relate to others. All the same, definitely sounds like it’s time for some proper support. All universities in Western countries now provide free to no cost counselling. Look into what your university provides and take advantage of the service. Finally, with your friend, one possible tactic is just straight up honesty. What do you have to lose by telling her that you come from a family without a lot of closeness and you got a bit freaked out by someone getting to know you so much, but don’t want to lose her as a friend? And ask if she could be patient with you?
I had a girlfriend for four years and as she wanted to get married to have a baby and settle down, I refused. All my life I never felt I was good at anything and over time I felt there was no way I could stay with her because I would fail her expectations as well as my own. This lead to me distancing myself from her more partly with the mindset that she would be better off without me and maybe I could find someone else that didn’t want a family in the traditional sense.
We broke up years ago now and she even has a family of her own now, but I still haven’t even attempted to find another relationship in fear it would end the same way. I am not the happiest person but if I know myself well enough why bother ruining another person’s life by having them count on me when there are better people for them. As I’m writing this now I realize that this behavior extends to my work life, I often don’t feel I’m good enough to accept most jobs that come my way.
Sharing your weakness and feelings to another in hopes you can become intimate with them is a good thing on the surface but ultimately they can use those things against you in the future or just be disgusted by how weak or strange you are so even your friends may not involve you in future events or gatherings. Personally I would like to cut ties with most people I know and live alone somewhere nice but I do not have the funds to live that sort of lifestyle, mostly I think intimacy is based around greed or lust of sorts, you may want something from them or they want something from your money, sex, shelter, or advice even.
If the advantages of intimate relationships are a longer life with less depression, I would say that it may not be worth it if you feel you are making other people’s lives worst.
I never thought of myself as ugly or not good enough at something until someone else told me. Most of the negative feelings I have are generated from people close to me, so I thought I would write some of my thoughts here to see if other people felt the same way but instead even on a counseling site my opinion is shot down and deleted.
Hi Gam, it’s a lot of negative thinking going on here, isn’t it? And if we want to, we can talk our way to whatever answer we want. So you have convinced yourself mentally that you don’t want a relationship, that you want to run away from all people and that’s that. And yet here you are, researching intimacy and making a comment. So we’d say, we don’t buy it. We rather believe you are frustrated, lonely, and angry. You obviously can be in a relationship, so we wouldn’t say it’s a personality disorder, so we’d imagine that you had difficult experiences growing up that have formed these strong negative beliefs and this extreme low self-extreme and rage. So we’d say, sure. You can be angry, cut everyone out. Or you can decide enough is enough. And accept that to make changes is not easy, that you will have to feel things, and be vulnerable, and seek support from a counsellor or otherwise. That maybe you are not ‘right’ about everything after all. but if you are willing to gather your courage and face yourself and the idea that maybe your beliefs are just that, beliefs, and not reality, then you can indeed change this unhappy reality you are creating again and again with your own choices. It’s up to you. But we’d say you deserve better. But nobody else can see that for you. You have to decide. Best, HT.
Hi Gam, you posted on a weekend. All our comments go through an approval process to protect our readers. Now it’s Monday and we are answering comments. So again, a lot of anger here, and victim mentality, furthering our suggestion that your issues stem from difficult past experiences where perhaps as a child you were indeed powerless. We recommend you read this article http://bit.ly/stopbeingvictimized. Now here you are, an adult. And now, it’s your life. And you are not powerless. You are responsible for your feelings, thoughts, and actions. Accepting that is a powerful step forward. Best, HT.
I find that I struggle more with these things when it comes to romantic relationships. I always called it shutting down because even if I wish to have a close relationship with a guy, i would end up self-sabotaging myself. The opportunity to have a boyfriend Has come to my attention a few times and every time, I found some excuse to avoid it. What this article says makes me think it could be a fear of intimacy, but I don’t think I experienced any trauma or anything growing up so I’m not exactly sure what it would of stemmed from? Divorced parents maybe. Boys used to make fun of me a lot in middle school to high school so maybe that, but I never felt like I took it personally. Will have to look more into this, but I think it helped me feel that I’m not weird for being this way and that there could be a solution for it.
Hi Lacy, glad the article was helpful. We don’t know how old you are, but we’d add that we get a lot of young people on here wanting to know ‘what is wrong with them’ that they don’t have a partner yet. And often nothing is wrong with them, they have simply fallen for the media-created false idea we are all supposed to fall madly in love as a teenager. Not at all. Life is not the movies. Many of us don’t fall in love for the first time until well into our twenties or even thirties. If you aren’t attracted to the boys you meet, then honour what you feel, not what you think you are ‘supposed’ to feel. Then get out and do things that you like and feel passionate about, find your best way forward in life, and you’ll naturally meet people you have things in common with. Best, HT.
Fantastic article Andrea! Thank you. I’m 35 and despite sleeping around a lot, have been unable to have a romantic relationship. I fell in love when I was about 14 and my heart was broken so badly that I said “Love is useless, I never want to feel love again.” To this day I haven’t felt it. Now it seems like I am cursed or that I’m being prevented from having things work out between myself and a woman so I am prepared for things to fail and in fact now know that it will fail without doubt. Knowing that it won’t work prevents me from being hurt over and over and over again. My childhood (like everyone) was fuched up. Bullying from older brothers, then sent away to boarding school aged 6. My life was always about how I made others feel (mother in particular). So I learned how to make people laugh. I was always the classroom jester (the ring leader as one teacher called me).
Along with being unable to be intimate, I am unable to keep a job or a house or anything else so I live a life moving from one place to another in a state of feeling lost, fearful, confused, directionless. So I go to cafe’s and I write and write and write.
I’m aware of my states and know that when this coffee high wares off, I will start thinking about a girlfriend, how to make money, why people don’t like me and that I should just avoid people etc.
It’s fear! I have a fear of people. I wasn’t meant to have been borne. My life has been full of too many negative feelings, poverty etc. I hope I’ll one day be able to feel love for myself and like myself. Until then, I’ll keep trying to find a solution but I know that there isn’t a solution but death 🙂
Hi there Rick. Quick question – have you sought support over this? Counsellor, therapist? We don’t see anything here that isn’t changeable, but you’d need to WANT to change this story, and be willing to put the work in to do so, which won’t always be easy, and will also mean you have to give up this story and identifying as the victim. There is a lot going on here, cognitive distortions, counterdependency, fear, lack of identity… but we don’t see anything that couldn’t be improved through therapy. This might include looking at your ideas around what a relationship is and what a woman is or isn’t. What do you expect women to be? Do you see them as equals, humans, do you create a safe space for them to be themselves? Or do you have some idea that you expect them to live up to? Which might be another way to keep them at bay? Given that your avatar is a woman in a bikini… Best, HT.
Hi again, thanks for the response. Yes, I’ve done 10 sessions of schema therapy which helped, 5 sessions of IFS parts work and I’ve spoken to many therapists (who I didn’t trust had the skills, knowledge or understanding to be able to help) in search of someone who could and would help. As it’s my pain, I’ve spent a vast amount of time searching and consuming info. When someone can teach me something I’m taken aback and intrigued.
Yes, I very much would like to change and I’m determined to change. I’ve spent my whole life trying to fill the void (pain) that exists inside. I’ve been looking for someone to love and be loved by and I’ve experienced so much FOMO which has stopped me from settling down in any place for any length of time (23 countries so far but back in my home country where I’m originally from).
I had to google counter-dependency and from what I understand from Richard Grannon, that’s me! Yes, lack of identity! I’m always wondering how others perceive me (even strangers) and I experience strong emotions depending on what my imagination or perception leads me to think. Then I have states of totally not caring what anyone else thinks and being focused on what I want. These high states don’t last long but they’re nice. I remember the good states I’ve felt and can count them on one hand. I would call them times I actually felt like I was alive. They were amazing 🙂 But they don’t last longer than 15 minutes max.
I’m taken aback to read that you don’t see anything that you don’t think can be improved through therapy. I’m aware of the feelings and thoughts I have and love isn’t one of them. I remember feeling love for one person and she broke my heart. That person being a girl who was actually interested in me but who I couldn’t get into a relationship with (story of my life). I think I developed a strong false self who is confident, well spoken, fearless but who also lacks the ability to connect with others. I grew up in an environment where toughness was the order of the day. Love and connection was for the weak and pathetic so I killed those needs and I worked on myself to make myself as tough as I could be and I was admired and respected for it. I was a hero and people looked up to me.
I have always been aware of really bad feelings inside me and my inability to bond with people. It just doesn’t happen for me. I can have intellectual conversations but I feel no emotions so unless were discussing something of relevance/importance, I’m not interested. I have become aware that people enjoy small talk so I have been trying to develop an interest in talking about things I previously had no interest in at all as it didn’t serve a purpose.
A romantic relationship to me looks like 2 people who feel strong positive emotions for one another that causes them to think about each other a lot (if not most of the time in the beginning stage) and want to be with and around each other, do stuff for each other, go out in public together, laugh together, listen to one another, support one another, care about one another and be there for one another. I had this strong feeling for a girl once and all I wanted to do was love her. She was responsible for this amazing feeling I had. I thought and felt as though she was so special and I would have done anything for her.
I never really thought about what I would want from her… I was just so in love. I would be open to her perspectives and I would want to learn from her and even do things that weren’t my favourite things but because she liked it I would like to do it with her. I would love to take her places and go on adventures.
A girlfriend is a firstly a friend, loving, gentle, kind, intelligent who admires me and likes the way I love, help and care for her I think?
I have been looking for the “in love” feeling all my life. Sometimes I find a girl who I think is amazing and then I lose interest and I hate when that happens. Eventually I would just tell women in the beginning what happens and that I’m unable to experience emotions of connection and love. If a girl I liked gave me a little bit of attention my imagination goes wild with thoughts that this is it, she is the one, this is going to work and then to the opposite… This won’t work, she won’t like me, this sucks, she isn’t the one, maybe she isn’t attractive enough and then it’s all just fear and negativity and self sabotaging until I say something to end it. When I’ve neutralised any possibility of any kind of relationship I finally feel relieved that’s over. And that’s how it goes.
When it appears to be going well is when I freak out the most.
One of the issues is I feel inferior to people and I’m often desperately insecure and needy on the one hand but on the other hand I can be totally confident, bold, outgoing and fearless.
Regarding my avatar, I’ve tried to change it a couple times without luck.
From your response I’ve begun to think and feel that some kind of improvement may be possible and I would be keen to explore therapy.
Hi Rick, your comments aren’t being deleted, all comments must be approved first. Again, a lot going on here. We find it interesting you are taken aback you can change and things can improve. How much of your identity is tied up with being ‘the messed up one’ and who would you be without it? Deep down, how comfortable are you with the idea of being like everyone else? Boring, even? Not special? Interesting questions to ask yourself again and again. We aren’t a therapy service on this end, we only answer questions pertaining to articles, and you certainly deserve proper attention not random thoughts based on a comment, so these things are best raised in the safe environment of the therapy room. We’d simply add a few more things – don’t expect to immediately trust or approve of a therapist, with trust issues that won’t happen. So just try to find someone who you think you could grow to trust. What happened with the schema therapist? Why only 10 sessions? Schema therapy would likely be a good fit. But therapy is a relationship, and you have to stick it out, through the doubts, the mistrust, the dislike, the discomfort, the anger, the frustration… therapy is not easy, but it’s good training ground for other relationships which also require this kind of commitment. You won’t get much from 10 sessions, your issues took a lifetime to create, so therapy needs a proper commitment, several years at least. Although we suspect you could use a stabilising therapy before another in depth therapy. If there is trauma in the past you’d need to stablise. So a short term stabilising therapy like CBT, EMDR, or clinical hypnotherapy, followed by a longer term commitment. Finally, we hate to break it to you, but your ideas of what a relationship is veer towards the unhealthy. Films and TV don’t help but a healthy, working relationship absolutely isn’t thinking about someone all the time etc… that is an addictive, ‘junkie’ approach bound to implode, and we find this sort of belief/thinking in most who can’t ‘find real love’… it’s as you are seeking a unhealthy, unreal version, unfortunately. A healthy relationship means you can be fully yourself and be supported in that, at the same time as creating a safe space for the other person to be themselves. You share values, not everything, and certainly not all your waking thoughts and time. You feel calm, safe, and comfortable. And you get on with your life instead of use the relationship to be distracted from yourself and your life. Use the search bar on our site to read our articles on love and relationships (including are article on ‘is it an unhealthy relationship’ and our one on love addiction), and also see our help guide http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide. Finally, you might want to consider a mindfulness practice, it’s free and easy (but challenging). And it really really helps with anxiety and overthinking http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. We wish you courage! It’s a journey. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else. We can pretty much guarantee none of the people you think have it all sorted in comparison don’t. Everyone is just doing the best they can and we’ve yet to meet the perfect love/couple/relationship either. Best, HT.
I have bad anxiety when it comes to people trying to flirt with me or anything romantic I just sort of feel like I want to run away, I’ve never been in a relationship and I’ve been very briefly on dating sites but after a few days it was making me feel so anxious I had to leave the site.
I guess I’m that kind of person who feels they like someone and I seem to be perfectly comfortable when I picture a scenario in my head but when it comes to it in real life I feel very anxious and uncomfortable.
Oh and a side note I am studying to be a psychologist at The Open University as I want to help people like I had been helped when I was in CBT therapy previously.
Heather, that’s great to hear you are studying to be a psychologist, and really have already found your future niche! And CBT therapy is super helpful for this sort of anxiety. Dating sites are NOT created for introverted personalities. If you have introverted personality traits the idea of your pics sitting there all the time is like a buzzing horror in the back of the mind, it’s normal, if you are on the introverted side which we’d guess you were, to be uncomfortable. It’s important to also not compare yourself to some apparently ideal other person who is perfectly fine with having a dating profile and finds flirting easy. Relating is not something many of us find easy. It’s a skill, but on a good note skills can be developed. And sounds like you are working on that. That said, you might want to look into anxious attachment if you haven’t already, it might relate, we have articles about it on here if you use the search bar. Life and relationships are a big learning curve, but you are taking great steps. Just keep taking one step at a time and being compassionate to yourself. Best, HT.
I have suffered from low self esteem all my life. In some ways it was a driving force in my life- especially career wise and has helped me be successful because I fought against all the people in my life who told me I would never amount to anything when I was younger. However when it comes to sex I cannot perform sexually in a serious relationship. Only when I have paid sex or sex with a stranger can I function normally sex-wise. This has meant that all my single life- more than 30 years- I never had a relationship that lasted more than a few weeks. When, out of sheer loneliness I finally got married at age 41, that was 25 years ago and the marriage has been sexless from the beginning. My wife and I visited a number of therapists over the years but they were unable to help. Luckily my wife has stayed on I think because I try to make up for the lack of sex by being the best husband I can be outside the bedroom.
Hi David, sounds like you’ve faced a lot of challenges. We’d just note that as this is an article on intimacy, and others might be reading this comment, it’s important to note that sex is just a part of some intimacy, but not actual intimacy itself, which arises from fully being yourself around others and creating a safe space for them to be so too. We can have sex with no intimacy, and vice versa. So we’d imagine you and your wife have other valuable intimacy that keeps you together. Also note that penetration is one part of sex but does not constitute ‘sex’. And for many women it’s a very small part of pleasure and sex or not part of their version of sex and pleasure at all. Finally, we are sorry to hear therapy did not help. If talk therapy didn’t work, there are related tools offered by therapists such as clinical hypnotherapy and EMDR which are worth trying if you can bear giving it another go. We wish you courage. Best, HT.
Hi I’m a 30 yr old girl who find this article related…
I was surfing internet to find answers to my concerns and stumble upon this article. And most of the points are ME. Firstly when I read I was honestly relieved to know that it’s not only me! I always thought I’m different and odd. I never knew there’re other people who feels and behave like me…
I too am the type who avoid speaking about personal things even with friends and the type of friend who everyone talks to as I’m a good listener and keep secrets. When the topic turns towards me I wonder whether to tell about me or just keep it to myself as I feel nobody will understand me and my concerns might be immature, and I don’t want to explain coz it takes a lot of time etc. there are some things I don’t even tell to my closest 2 friends because of this.. so I keep things to myself…
And when it comes to guys, I have crushes on guys that are off limits.. either they are not available or they don’t like me back and most of the time I don’t even make a move coz I am an introvert and don’t know how to flirt.. this is actually embarrassing to say even..
for an example I’m talking to this guy who introduced by my parents for about 2 months. He is so nice, understanding and the best partner I could find But I panic when he take a step forward, talk lovingly to me… when he say he miss me and wants to see me i don’t feel like saying “ me too” coz I prefer this way.. my comfort zone.. texting and talking to him sometimes annoys me too.. this happens all the time… I need to get over this coz I can’t always be alone and even if I end one relationship (I once did with another guy)I know this will be the same even with another guy.. could you let me know what I should do to overcome this?
Hi there Nuzi, there is no overnight quick fix to intimacy issues. They develop from all the things you learned in childhood from the adults around you and the parenting you received. They take years to develop, and committed hard work to overcome. In your case, it sounds like there is also anxiety and low self-esteem going on and deep-rooted trust issues. So we’d highly advise you consider therapy. A therapist creates a safe space for you to look at where all this low self esteem and anxiety comes from, helps you to get a clearer sense of who you are and what you want, and also helps you learn to relate and trust. Because therapy is a relationship between you and your therapist, so it acts as a blueprint for learning relating skills. And it could help you be more independent, as we get a sense that you still rely on your family for a sense of self, maybe? Sometimes one of the best ways to learn about ourselves and learn trust is to step outside of the social circles we’ve had our whole life and meet new people and follow our own interests. Otherwise, there are a lot of self help books out there, and journalling and mindfulness are free tools that can help you get to know yourself better. Best, HT.
Thank you for getting back. I never thought I have anxiety… I think I need to take this seriously. And yes I’m very close with my family and could be less independent. Since you said I will take years to overcome do you think it’s still ok to keep this relationship going? Coz I fell like it’s unfair on him when I feel less connected to him and not telling him that to him…
Hi Nuzi, we can’t tell you how to live your life, unfortunately, that’s up to you. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in how we make life choices, there is simply what we want and don’t want, what aligns with our values and what doesn’t. Why not try some journalling about it? Promise yourself to rip it up after so you can feel to truly write how you feel. Ask good questions and write out your answers. What is my need for space really about? What is it that is really holding me back here? Who am I trying to impress and make happy here? Is it me, this man, my parents, society, who? What makes me happy? What is the real pressure here? Who or where is it coming from? If there was nobody else in the world but me and this man, what would I want here? You get the idea. Sometimes when we let ourselves really write things out surprising answers arrive. Otherwise, these are all things that can be discussed with a counsellor who can get to know you and create a safe space for you to find the answers that work for you. The one thing we would say here is that 1) you could always just honestly tell him that you have doubts and uncertainties and don’t know why 2) often we pretend we are doing something for someone else, to not be ‘unfair’, as an excuse to hide real reasons. Are there reasons you are admitting to that are making you want to stay in this relationship? Are you getting something from it you need to be more honest about? Best, HT.
I am 45 and have a reasonably satisfying life. One element that is entirely lacking however, is physical intimacy, which is – for most people, including me – a normal and powerful need. I am not primarily talking about sex (I’ve never had it) – I have no living family, so other than professional handshakes, I literally experience zero human touch at all. Unfortunately, the only way I could ever experience any form of physical intimacy would be to pay for it – and I’m not that sort of person. I have no problem talking / relating to women and have several women friends. My reality is that other men at least have the potential to be romantically / sexually attractive to women, but no matter how hard I wish I could be of interest to women, I can’t be and so will always be a friend and never a boyfriend.
Hi Douglas, so what we see here is a lot of rigid thinking and cognitive distortions. This is when we decide something is ‘the truth’ even though it’s actually an assumption. But our commitment to that being a truth then leaves our unconscious mind to endlessly make micro decisions that lead to behaviours that actually create this scenario again and again, until we create the reality that ‘proves’ the so called ‘truth’. If that makes sense. We aren’t surprised that you’d have cognitive distortions, it sounds like there’s been some trauma, with no family at all. The brain turns to distortions as a survival mechanism when the world seems overwhelming. We’d highly suggest you consider trying CBT therapy, it’s a therapy where you don’t have to talk about your past other than occasionally, that focuses on learning how to recognise the way your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours are intertwined. You learn to challenge your thoughts and stop them from leading to actions that then lead to depression. As we’d imagine you also suffer ongoing mild depression that leaves you feeling numb. From there you might want to look into schema therapy, which has a more supportive client/therapist relationship than other therapies and creates a very safe space to recognise and break the patterns we are stuck in and learn new ways of trusting and relating that stop leaving us unbearably lonely. Therapy is a fascinating journey. Who knows what you’ll discover. It might be that you discover you are actually quite different than the person you’ve been living as and really enjoy deeper connections. Others end up discovering that deep down they like their life being alone, that intimacy isn’t for them but they’ve held a self punishing narrative as they felt embarrassed about their own preference as it not what everyone else does. And that’s okay too. In conclusion, we don’t at all buy that this is unchangeable, in fact we know it is changeable, should you so choose. It will take courage and commitment, to change, but we think that given the other option, continuing to live this numbed out, lonely, life, it’s worth at least giving it a try. Best, HT.
Hi,
I’ve came across this article and wanted to share my own struggles. I’ve been married for more than 10y and have beautiful children. My marriage had ups and downs and just recently I realised that I am struggling with fear of intimacy and I don’t know how to move forward. I feel stuck in my own head and can’t move forward. My husband is caring and understanding but this lack of intimacy is slowly killing our marriage. What would you advise?
Most of but not all of the signs sound like me. This fear has been with me all of my life and it presents it self more and more as I age. I will look over the references to possibly help guide me during therapy. The sadness and depression from this fear comes on at different times of the day and are triggered by what ever. Being the triggers are what ever it makes it difficult to identify what’s going on or how to remedy the issue.
Gary
I have no problem connecting with most women on intellectual and emotional levels, and so have many women close friends. I am fundamentally incapable of ‘flirting’ – it doesn’t matter how it’s explained to me, I am unable to grasp it – so it cannot happen. Also, it’s said that to be ‘boyfriend material’, a man needs to touch a woman physically. I’m not about to touch any woman no matter how close / attracted I feel to her without crystal clear explicit consent as that would constitute harassment. Since no woman has ever given explicit consent that I consider crystal clear, I’ve never broken the ‘touch barrier’ in any way at all. And no woman has ever touched me either. To be clear, I’m not interested in a recommendation to “try therapy”. I have tried talking to six well-reviewed professionals in my city, but in each case, even after several (5 – 7) one-hour sessions, I felt I was getting nowhere and I won’t waste my time and money again.