Fear of Losing Loved Ones – Can’t Stop Worrying?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 6, 2023
By: Shareheads
Is a fear of losing loved ones always on your mind? Are you worried about losing a parent, or a a partner dying?
Is a fear of losing loved ones normal?
Yes, it’s normal to not want the people we love to die. We enjoy their company, and know life would be very different without them.
We also don’t talk enough about death in modern culture. So there can be a certain amount of fear simply because we don’t fully know what we would be dealing with.
Freud coined a fear of death and dying ‘thanatophobia‘, and felt we all suffer from it because we refuse to accept our mortality. Modern psychologists call this common fear plain old ‘death anxiety’.
A healthy or unhealthy fear?
A normal fear of loss involves worry and sadness when we think about our loved ones moving on, followed by an understanding it’s an unavoidable fact of life. It can mean a moment spent considering our own mortality. But in general, we realise we would cope.
An unhealthy fear of losing loved ones is more like a rising anxiety, and comes with extreme thinking. We feel our life would be over without the other person.
The more we think about losing the loved person in question, the worse we feel. Anxiety symptoms kick in, which can include:
- increasingly illogical thoughts
- a growing and pervasive feeling of fear
- physical symptoms like sweatiness, beating heart, stomach upset, muscle tension
- changes to sleep and eating patterns
- possible panic attacks.
What is the fear beneath the fear?
Loss of a loved one an easy thing to place all our worries on because it is an acceptable anxiety.
So sometimes we use a fear of losing loved ones to hide other fears we are more ashamed of, like fear of:
- being alone
- having to do everything by yourself
- not knowing how to cope
- having no identity of your own.
Why is it so important to admit to these ‘fears beneath the fear’? They are actually easier to deal with.
We can’t stop other people around us from one day dying. But we can find support to learn new ways of being, and take steps forward so that we no longer feel overwhelmed at the idea of being responsible for navigating our own life.
Fear of losing loved ones and codependency
- Are you a teenager who is afraid of your mother dying?
- Or who is too paranoid to move out or go to university in case your single parent ‘dies’ without you?
- In a romantic relationship and experiencing panic attacks at the thought of your partner not being around?
Fear of losing loved ones can hide a problem with codependency. Codependency involves taking your sense of self and worth from another person, instead of developing it within.
If you are in a codependent relationship you will feel it is your responsibility to constantly make the other person happy, and that you don’t know who you are without them.
Despite telling yourself that you just ‘really love’ the other person, codependency is not a healthy way of relating. It leaves you unable to see all your inner resources and personal power.
Allowing yourself to move out and become independent can make a real difference. But codependency can also be a very powerful pattern, and you might need to reach out for some professional support to understand your feelings and learn to raise your self-esteem.
How can I stop worrying about losing a loved one?
By: Travis Wise
Trying to totally stop anxiety or worries tends to backfire, and we end up thinking about the topic more than ever.
So the first step can be acceptance. Accept that you are experiencing anxiety around losing a loved one. Then try the following:
1. Make a list of all your concerns.
Anxiety is powerful because it feels out of control, sending our thoughts on endless spirals. But if we take the time to sit and write out on paper what is behind the anxiety? Our life can be less out of control than we think.
What are the very worse things that would happen if you lost your loved one? That you wouldn’t have a place to live, or anyone to talk to? What are possible solutions to each problem?
2. Identify what you’ve already lost.
You might be more resilient than you realise. Loss is a part of life and you’ve likely already successfully navigated some, and come through the other side.
Write out things you really valued that you lost, whether that was a childhood friend moving away, or having to graduate from a school you liked being at. See if you can remember what you did to navigate that loss and bounce back.
3. Practise mindfulness.
Mindfulness is a technique to help you stay in the present moment, instead of being lost to worries about a future you can control and a past you can’t change. We can become more grateful for what is right in front of us.
Read our easy how-to ‘Guide to Mindfulness‘ and start practising as soon as today.
4. Learn about death and dying.
Major cities now have what are known as ‘death cafes’. These are gatherings for people to come and discuss their fears of death and dying with a ‘death doula’, someone who understands the process. Even simple things like learning how a funeral is arranged and how the grieving process works can demystify the process we all at some point face.
Visit a ‘death cafe’, read about other people’s experiences, or ask people you know who have gone through a bereavement to share their story.
5. Talk about your fear with supportive others.
You might want to share you anxiety with your loved one themselves. If this seems a bad idea, try a trusted friend or family member.
Feel nobody would understand your anxiety about losing a loved one? Then speak to a counsellor. Your school might have free or low cost counselling if you are a student, or your workplace might provide several free sessions. If you are over 18, you can book counselling privately, with therapists now available for every budget.
Need proper help with your out-of-control fear of losing a loved one? We connect you with London’s top talk therapists. Or use our booking site to find UK-wide registered therapists and online counsellors you can talk to from anywhere.
Andrea M. Darcy is a lifestyle and wellbeing writer as well as a coach who often writes about relationships. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
I am an average teenager. I think I may have anxiety and depression but I can’t tell my parents because well… they’re African and don’t believe in such a condition.
Just yesterday, I found out that one of my seniors had died in a car accident. I tried to accept it. I spoke to my friends and they said wise words to me and I tried to remind myself that death is inevitable but I just don’t know …my heart won’t take it. I tried to sleep yesterday but I kept feeling this numbness and coldness in my feet, my heart was beating really fast and I just couldn’t sleep. The same thing happened when Juice Wrld had died. I didn’t know him or anything. I wasn’t really a fan but it still hit me hard…
This senior as well was not really my friend. I didn’t know her so well but the pain is still there…she was just 16…
I think I need help but I can’t tell my parents as I said earlier. Everytime I talk about problems like this they either tell me to sleep or drink water…
I don’t have any money either..
But please help me. I have an exam coming up and I just don’t want these feelings to get in the way of my studies.
Please help.
This sort of anxiety about death and dying is really quite common in teenagers. First of all, your brain is growing and flooded with hormones, meaning many teenagers have mood issues. Then it’s the time of life when you are starting to think about a future where you have to be in control of your own destiny and away from your parents and finding your identity. And death can become an interest or obsession because there is a sense of going out into the world, of not being able to always rely on everything and everyone to be there or stay the same. As the article suggests, it can be helpful to do research about death. Approach it like any other research, as if you were writing an essay. If you have a friend who is interested, or who is also upset about the student who passed away, see if talking about death and dying helps. If your school is offering any sort of grief support, do take them up on the offer.In summary, you are a sensitive person who cares about others. It’s normal to be upset if someone you respected dies. The thing is to just feel the emotions instead of resisting and judging yourself. As then you just end up with anxiety about anxiety itself. Best, HT
I’m an 15 year old boy. And i’m scared of loosing my family cuz they’ve always been there when i’ve been sad. especially my grandpa, he has always been my best friend and i can’t think of an life without him or any other in my family. HOW can i stop thinking about loosing them.
I am 24.I think was a bit immature to take decisions about my career in my school and college life. I had family issues too. I lost my dad when I was one. And I lost 2-3 people who I loved the most, because they used to care about me. Now, I feel like, no one can understand me and nobody listens to me whenever I try to talk about my fears. I can’t sleep at night even if I’m tired. I don’t understand what I’m gonna do in my life. Everytime when I feel negative, I meditate, even I do workout, but I can’t focus on my career. I’m feeling so worried and tensed.
Please help.
Thank you.
Hi Vinne, it’s actually really normal to start worrying about losing loved ones as a teenager. It’s the point in life where you realise that soon you have to be an adult, taking care of yourself, and you start to realise life can be challenging and not everything lasts forever. So first of all, it’s okay to have these worries. Then focus on enjoying time with your family when you are with them then developing your resources as a person, learning how to take care of yourself and becoming independent. Otherwise you might find learning mindfulness helps http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout as well as gratitude practice, training your mind to not obsess on just the bad but also recognise what is going right in life http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise. Best, HT
Hi Nidhi, we do feel the way that young people are forced to make huge decisions about their future is quite backwards. When we are 18-20 we really don’t know ourselves well at all. But because of that, to be totally unsure about your career and future at aged 24 is actually normal. You’d be amazed how many people feel this way. And you might be trapped in black and white thinking. This is where everything is an either/or. Life actually isn’t that. You are always free to change your mind and find other options. Many people these days change career several times, it’s normal. But this aside, it sounds like have generalised anxiety. Which means that logic won’t help as your mind is stuck in loops of cognitive distortions. We’d highly recommend CBT therapy, a short form of therapy that doesn’t delve heavily into the past but helps you get control of your thoughts so they stop you constantly spiralling into low moods. Best, HT.
Hi there,
I just wanted to say thank you. This article, as well as a couple others, has been very eye-opening for me. ‘The fear beneath the fear’… I would never have realized that on my own.
However, I can now take the steps needed.
Thanks again. You’ve made a huge difference in my life!
Wonderful to hear. It makes it all worthwhile to know that it helps others. Andrea (the editor and lead writer who wrote this piece).
I started feeling anxious in my mid twenties. It has now developed into a debilitating struggle. My mother has never been a healthy woman and I agonize almost every free moment I have to myself. I have to keep busy or I can’t take it. I get extreme overwhelming nostalgia to the point I literally cannot tear myself away from myself, if that makes sense. My wife knows a little of what I go through depression wise but I can never put into words how I am feeling. I have seen a couple different therapists who tell death is a natural thing. Yeah I know. Everybody dies. It’s the overwhelming disassociation i get when I think about it. I can’t stop. I’m scared
Hi Michael. Is that all the therapists said? We are curious. As we’d imagine a good therapist would instead focus on the fear, where it comes from, and on helping you go into the fear and explore it instead of away from it. You say you have seen ‘a couple different therapists’. That is of interest to us. How long did you stay with each one? Is there any chance your anxiety is sabotaging any deep work and having you jump about from therapist to therapist (which tends to not produce results). As we sense an intimacy issue. You don’t, for example, even feel understood or able to fully communicate with your own wife. This sort of issue leads to not giving any therapist a proper chance. On the other hand they might have been the wrong therapist. We don’t, in any case, think this is about death. It’s just that you have strong anxiety and it is fixating on death. It is more likely this your anxiety stems from elsewhere, a guess could be the relationship and attachment with your mother and then difficult childhood experiences. In any case. It might be worth it to look into CBT therapy, which doesn’t look at your past at all but is a short term therapy to help stablise your thinking and is proven to lower anxiety. As deep diving therapy is going to be less effective until your anxiety is calmed a bit. If there were any childhood traumas, look into EMDR. Hypnotherapy might be helpful, and consider starting a mindfulness practice which needs commitment but is easy to learn, free, and over time is very powerful for anxiety and stress http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. Finally, use the search bar to find our articles about fear of death, we think you’ll find them helpful. Best, HT.
Your fear of a loved one dying article is interesting to me because I have felt this, but not for people. I have lost several very special, very loved pets, both dogs and cats, recently. I now have an 18 year old cat. I keep crying about the fact that she is going to die sometimes soon. She the oldest furbaby I’ve ever been fortunate to have, and the thought of her upcoming demise is very saddening.
I also saw in a pet loss page that others feel this way too. Any suggestions you may have would be very welcome to those of us who consider furbabies to be more family than pets.
i’m a fifteen year old teenager and one of my best friends died two years ago from suicide. it was very hard for me to deal with it and it took me two years, but i still feel the pain. now whenever my friends tell me they’re sad or/and depressed, i can’t help myself, but think that they might take their lives too. i try to think that they won’t do it, since they told me they won’t, but my mind won’t stop questioning if they will or not. i tried to talk with my friends and mother, and they did help, but at the end of the day the feeling and anxiety about it never leaves. this feeling is ruining me inside and i feel so scared
Tia, definitely does sound like you’ve developed anxiety. The mind can get stuck in negative thinking loops and it can then affect our moods and our ability to cope on a day-to-day basis. Is there any one you could talk to who is outside of the situation? Does your school provide counselling? Would your mother be willing to help you see a counsellor? It might be helpful to find one who deals with grief. Otherwise there is a short-term type of therapy called CBT that focuses just on helping you stop your thoughts from being negative and getting out of control. It’s proven to help with anxiety. If you are in the UK, you can talk to your GP and they can also refer you for free support (although there can be really long wait lists). Best, HT.
Helen, pets are sentient creatures, who give and receive so much love. Many of us experience very real grief when we lose a beloved pet. Sounds like you are pre-grieving, which happens, much as when a loved human is sick and we know their death is ahead. We’d say take the article and use it’s tips, as all the tips mostly apply to knowing you are going to lose a pet too! Best, HT.
I have a fear of my partner will die from either long illness sudden death or just going out to work and never come back again through an accident,its getting worse that I see his death in my head that I think I would take my own life if he did die, I know that sounds selfish but I just cannot take it anymore ……
Hi Lindsey, sounds like you have anxiety. Anxiety can fixate on one thing, like the person we love most dying. This sort of anxiety can also be related to anxious attachment, a way of relating we learn as a child and then bring to our adult relationships. Would you consider going to talk to a counsellor about this? It would be a good idea. You can even talk to your GP who can recommend you for some NHS funded therapy, although the waiting lists can be very long in certain areas. Best, HT.
I’m 17 years old girl. I’m fear of losing my mother because she is my life. I can’t imagine a life without her. I love her so much but my fear of losing her keeps me sad and I can’t help overthinking about it and it keeps me sad. Please help.
Syeda it’s actually quite normal to have fear of losing your parents as a teenager. It is a time in life when you are realising that soon you will have to be independent and an adult and move out and create your own life, and decide who you are. Sometimes fear of losing parents is also fear of having to be an adult like them and not a child anymore. And when we realise that we have to become our own person soon, we feel vulnerable, and then realise that nothing is forever, not childhood, or not our parents. So there can be a mourning process. It can be helpful to take time each day to remember what is going right in the present, here and now. Things like daily gratitude can really help http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise. As can learning mindfulness http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. And also learn about balanced thinking https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/balanced-thinking-benefits.htm. If your thoughts get really erratic to the point it’s affecting your everyday life, it might be that you have anxiety, and it’s a good idea to talk to a counsellor. Best, HT.
I am a 65 year old woman with no one. I have 2 sons in their 20’s. They are the loves of my life– but they have their own lives. My sister means more to me than anyone ever has except for my 2 sons. I feel she is the only person I have ever been close to that truly cares about me and my life. When she dies, I can’t imagine living without her love anymore. I dont know how people go on living without at least 1 person that cares about them. I don’t think I can do it. I need someone who believes in me and cares. I won’t have that. I dont know if I want to be a person that can go it alone with no one who cares about me and by my side each day.
Hi Mary, we have many clients with no family at all, totally alone, and they do struggle, particularly if they never developed intimacy bonds before as they were not taught how to. Sounds like at this point you do actually have people in your life you are bonded with, but your worries and anxiety about the future are blocking your ability to enjoy what you have. Our question for you is, do YOU believe in yourself? Do YOU care about yourself? If not, where does this disconnection come from? Are you able to make new friends? If not, what stops you? And would you be willing to, even now, gather up your courage and develop a relationship with yourself? Which, in our opinion, is the most important of all, and it’s never to late to work on? It’s only once we truly feel happy with our own company that we can feel safe in the world and feel safe connecting with all those around us, including new friends. We would advise some sort of counselling to deal with this level of worry and disconnection from self. We also have clients who married again in their seventies, or developed new interests or social lives and surprised themselves. Until then, you might want to learn mindfulness https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/mindfulness-help-guide.htm which helps you to stay in the present. Best, HT.
Hi, I lost my dad to suicide when I was 11. I’m now 21 and am always anxious about my mum dying (and other family members – e.g aunties). I’ve always worried about this for a long time but it seems to be getting worse to the point where I am thinking about it too much (and about how I couldn’t cope without her). I’m an only child which I think makes this fear worse. I don’t know how to stop this irrational thinking.
Hi there. Have you ever talked to someone about all of this? A professional? That’s a lot to go through so not surprising you’d have anxiety. You see it’s actually normal when transitioning into adult independence to have anxiety about parents dying. We see this in a lot of young adults. Being a teenager is the time we explore who we are outside of those around us, which means we also have to face up to the fact we are separate, and that those around us are not forever. And striking out on our own and being independent also makes us realise and that we can’t rely on anyone to always be there and have to learn how to depend on ourselves. This normal processing might be far more difficult for you simply due to such a sudden loss. So we would say worth talking to someone. As for ‘stopping it’, resistance often makes things worse. What about just accepting it? Right now, at this time in your life, things seem scary. And that’s okay. Right now, you have thoughts that are irrational. And that’s ok, too. They are thoughts, not who you are. Right now you worry you can’t cope without someone else. But in fact you have already proven that you can cope and continue without others. Focus on each day, and on not panicking in the face of thoughts, and reach out for support. Best, HT.
Hi, thanks for this grate reading u provided. It was really helpful and i felt calm and understood durig reading it.
I am just turned 20 today and I realize that I really have this fear of loss in the relationships. The fear is unfortunately huge. I always picture my girlfriend making out with another guy (a similiar situation happend one time and i really felt hurt. Maybe I developed a destructive defence mechanism). Eventhough she loves me and I am aware of that (most of the time), I still feared of loosing her, sometimes in a really harmfull way.
What can I do?
Thanks for your help. It will be very helpful. Very!
(I kinda wanna accept the fact that it could happen and also accept the thing with the last time…That is kinda my goal)
Hi Kasra, it’s a good goal, acceptance. The problem with acceptance is that it’s far easier said than done. Sometimes what we need to accept instead is our discomfort. What if it’s okay to be afraid of losing someone? If it’s okay to have negative thoughts about what might happen? Can you accept that you have these thoughts, then continue on, regardless? And recognise that you are not your thoughts? That thoughts are just thoughts? Also note that 20 is a common age to have this sort of fear, it’s the age you are moving towards independence from your family. And the more you must rely on yourself, the more you must realise that nothing is forever. As for this other situation, yes, it might be colouring this new relationship. But we’d imagine it goes far deeper than that. What did you learn about love and relationships growing up for example? And how is your self esteem? As for self-help tools, we’d really recommend mindfulness. We have a free guide to it here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/mindfulness-help-guide.htm Best, HT
Even though life is completely find right now, I really can’t stop randomly thinking of loved ones dying and then randomly getting anxiety from it, help.. I hate this feeling so much the more I think about it, the more I want to cry, I don’t want to cry..
Hi Charlotte, it’s a strange time in the world, a lot of people are feeling anxious and having negative thoughts. Try to go easy on yourself. It’s also fine to cry now and then, it can be cathartic and useful. Best, HT.
I’m really scared of losing my mom. I’m 15 years old.
I really fear it deeply, like I’ll be in bed sobbing at 12 in the morning thinking about how life will be without her and I get physical chest pains from the hurt
I just won’t be able to live without her
I’m scared everytime she goes out or she is feeling sick and I always want to be with her or along side her
I’m very attached to her and it physically hurts me to think of her dying and I think of her dying often and I don’t know what to do because I know if I lose her, I will lose myself
It makes my chest, head and heart to think of it
I really feel lost
I don’t know anymore
I want to die before she dies and leaves me
I cant live without her
What’s wrong with me?
Hi there. We can’t make a diagnosis based on a comment, we don’t know you or the entire situation. It’s normal for teens to worry about their parents dying as they are now expected to become independent and this can cause anxiety. But it sounds like you are dependent on your Mother and having severe anxiety. Do you have friends and a social life? Or your own interests? What sort of relationship have you had growing up with your Mother? Did she depend on you? Or stop you from having your own life? Does she control your life? These are things you would look at with a counsellor or therapist. Is there someone you can talk to about this? Would you be able to seek support?
thank you so much! i’ve stopped worrying about losing loved ones, thanks to your advices! i’ve also tried meditating works well too!
Glad to be of help!
Please help me, i just kept thinking about my family member’s death especially my mom. I am scared of going anywhere without her, and I don’t want them to know about it. I usually cry at night whenever i think of it, it started when i was about 4th grade. Just like the latest comment here, that’s exactly how i feel. I’m also 15 years old, is it normal? I’m currently panicking rn lol
Hi Jlna, we don’t like the word ‘normal’. There isn’t really any ‘normal’. Everyone has their own issues, obvious or not. We are all just people doing our best. We can’t really say as we would need to know you and your history, but it sounds like you have anxiety. Anxiety causes our brain to fixate on one thing, and for you it’s people you love dying. As you love your mother most, it’s her you focus on the most. And we’d imagine there might also be some family issues, given that you don’t even feel you can talk to your family openly about this. It’s a good idea to seek some support about this. Is there a counsellor at school you could talk to? Or could you suggest to your mother you are feeling anxious and would like to talk to someone, without having to explain all to her? And she might help you find a counsellor? We have an article here about how to talk to your parents about mental health http://bit.ly/talktoparents. Best, HT.
hi,i have a fear about losing my family.It started when last month,one of my best friend lost her father at night because of heart attack.And since then i cant sleep well at night,i always worried about my family and in the morning when i wake up ,i call them if they re healthy.I always have these thoughts when somebody died around me.But generally it was take 2-3 days,but now its been 1 month and it still continue.Maybe the reason of that is my friends parents generally died because of heart attack.And im a doctor and working on epidemic hospital right now and see covid cases makes me worse at all.Because my mother was a breast cancer and my father has a COPD,so i worried because of that and it makes me OCD,i sanitized everything 3 times,not literally going outside except grocery shopping,to protect them to get infected.And these thoughts really make me so exhausted.I cant get rid of these ideas and i dont know what to do if this happens.I fear of that i miss them so much,not anything else just missing them i cant get over it,even if i think that i start crying and i really dont know how to handle this…
Darcy, it really sounds like anxiety disorder. We can’t be sure, we obviously can’t diagnose based on a comment, but as a doctor, we are sure you’d tell someone with physical symptoms to get support. We’d highly advise given these mental symptoms to get support. Anxiety picks one thing to overfocus on obsessively, and your mind has settled on the death of your friend’s father. Plus it’s hardly surprising you have developed anxiety, being a doctor during Covid is incredibly stressful and there has been such a rise in anxiety and depression amongst healthcare workers that some places were offering free therapy in the UK to healthcare workers earlier in the year. In fact the thing that is most stressing you out could be work, anxiety tends to find something outside of the main issue to obsess on. Does your workplace provide any mental health support? If they do, take it. Otherwise, is there another way you can access support? Online therapy is very good for anxiety and doesn’t involve leaving home or endangering your parents health. Don’t at all feel like you are ‘weak’ to be having this crisis, quite honestly it would be far more worrisome, as a doctor dealing with the pandemic, if you didn’t have mental health symptoms. It’s actually. a healthy response to a very unhealthy and unheard of situation, your mind’s way of letting you know its stress limits. Again, do reach out for some support. Self help methods to look into include mindfulness (there are some easy to follow apps which can help) and breathing exercises for stress, lots of videos on Youtube. Be gentle on yourself, you are navigating a lot. But don’t trick yourself into thinking that self help is enough, seek support. We know as a caregiver the last person we can give care to can be ourselves. Try not to fall into that trap. We help others best if we help ourselves first. Best, HT.
Hi, my name is Emma
I have a really ad fear of loosing My mom, I’m 13
Eveytime she leave the house I get really bad panick attacks
I always need to be with her when shes in public, i feel like she’s just gonna leave and get in an accident and not come back ever. Or I feel like she’s gonna get shot or something. I can’t talk to my friends abt it bc they wont take it seriously, and my mom just says she’s gonna be fine, but she doesn’t know that.
Hi Emma, as we enter the phase we realise we are going to one day have to be in charge of our lives and be independent, we can start to panic about the people we have always relied on. A lot of teenagers go through a phase of realising their parents will one day die and then being really scared. But if you have anxiety, your anxiety can focus on this fear and make it so big it starts to make daily coping hard. We think it would be great if you had someone to talk to about this, outside of the situation. Is there a counsellor at school you would be comfortable talking to? If not, would you be comfortable telling your parents you feel anxious and would like to talk to someone, a counsellor or therapist? We have an article about how to bring up mental health with your parents here http://bit.ly/talktoparents. IF you are in the UK, you can also speak to your GP who can then refer you to someone. There are also free helplines for teens, you can find the UK ones here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. If you aren’t in the UK, google for one near you. Best, HT.
Hi. I have a fear of losing my loved ones, specifically my parents. I just don’t know what to do when I lose them. It just makes my day really sad thinking about that. It started roughly 3 months ago because of a youtuber that died. It made it worse when our favorite youtuber died because we watch his videos everyday. I really don’t know if we will meet in the after life or the after life would be a very dark and gloomy place. It really bothers me whenever I go to sleep. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. It makes me tear up when I think about this. I already lost several relatives and friends and that makes my heart ‘crippled’. I just don’t wanna lose my family because they play a big role in my life. Even though when I grow up, having my own family, I will sincerely miss them as they are the ones who shaped my mind, made me stronger and intelligent, more disciplined, and they taught me everything that I can apply using it in the future. As the youngest in the family, it makes me feel really sad because I’ll be the only one left if their time comes. As a Christian, I really hope that the heaven is real so that we can meet and have a wonderful and more happy life up above there but what would happen if the Bible said that there will be an everlasting life in heaven? What will happen with the gift of eternal life? I really hope that I can accept these because I can’t have a regular sleeping time, it makes me scared when I can’t see them; like if they go out, travel places, or they’re just in their room, and it really makes my emotions mixed up when they are not feeling well especially in this time of pandemic. I think, in the future, when I do really have a family, I would understand these situations and also to accept that life is just temporary. I hope this comment would raise your attention. I’m still 12 years old going 13 on the 27th and I’m a grade 7 student. To the people out there, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and have a good day ahead! 😉
Hi Benjamin. As you’ll see in some of our other responses, it’s actually normal to start worrying about your loved ones dying when you are a teenager. It’s the part of life you start to realise you will soon be independent, and that you are mortal, and that one day you will lose everyone. It’s a lot to digest and takes time but is a normal part of our social development. Have you talked to your family about these worries? Or do you have a trusted person you can discuss death and dying with? They are useful topics to learn about and discuss as they are an inevitable part of life. If you find that your worry gets bigger and bigger, and that you have other symptoms that match those of anxiety, it might be worth talking to a counsellor. Best, HT.
Hi.. I am a 50yr old woman, soon to be 51. Latley i think about my mom, Thank god i still have both my parents,, My mom is 84 and he health is going down hill, and its been really bothering me, I dont know why i seem to bottle up, when im talking to my dad, I know its coming soon, But im so scared how im going to deal with this. I just cant deal with the fact that she will be gone one day.. Its gonna hit me hard.. Please help me to understand this…..
Hi Pamela, unfortunately we can’t help you understand it based on a comment, as you, like all of us, are a complex person made up of a lifetime of experiences. As the article discusses, there can be so many reasons why we are anxious about a certain person dying, from fear of our own mortality, to a certain kind of relationship with that person. But given that it is causing you such anxiety, why not find someone who can help you understand it? A talk therapist could create a safe, non judgemental space for you to look at this issue and perhaps the other issues that arise connected to it. So if you could gather up your courage and find someone to talk to, we’d advise it. If you are on a tight budget, here in the UK you can speak to your GP and they can refer you for talk therapy, although there can be a wait time. Best, HT.
Hello, I am 18 years old and I currently can not sleep because of my anxiety, these past years I have always been thinking of losing my loved ones especially my small family, I just can not imagine my life without them, and I seriously mean this. Every night, when I go to sleep I think of it and it either ends by thinking of something else to distract myself or like this night, when nothing can distract me and I just decide to skip sleeping. Honestly, I am sick of it, these thoughts are hunting my head, and I would love to outcome this situation but being an introvert person I find it difficult to speak out about my problems especially “non-material” ones. Help me! 🙁
Hi Mira, if you read through the other comments here on this article, you will find you aren’t alone, and we discuss how this is a normal thing that happens when an adolescent realising your own mortality and that soon you have to strike out on your own in the world. We recommend that you see this anxiety as serious even if it is not a physical thing and do talk to someone, introverted or not. Is there a counsellor at school? A friend or relative you trust? Talking about these things with a trusted person can help you feel less alone and can make a world of difference. best, HT.
Hi ,Iost both my parents to illness when I was very young,I miss them so much I hope God is keeping them,Please help me get through the pain.
Hi Bernard, sounds tough. This sort of emotional pain that has not gone away on its own deserves proper attention, not some random comment from a blog team. We highly advise you see the help of a professional counsellor or therapist. If you are on a low budget, use our article on finding low cost counselling for inspiration http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Best, HT.
Hi there, I am soon to be 20 in a couple of days. Basically I have experienced alot of tough things at a very young age. I have lost 4 close friends in the past 3 years.. 2 of them passed away due to suicide, one in a car accident and the last one drowned will trying to cool off on a hot summers day. I was there with my friend at the time he drowned and it was the hardest thing I ever had to watch. I felt so helpless, we all tried to save him but the current was just too strong. He was only in his early 20’s. It was heartbreaking. Since that day I have had a horrible fear of water. I use to love swimming but now I go into an instant panic, I totally freak out and lose all control of myself. I have a fear of drowning and I think it is all linked to what happened to my friend. My uncle suddenly died 5 months ago from a heart attack. He was so healthy, so full of life, always telling me to stay positive and to stick to my Nursing course which I am studying in college. All of a sudden he was just taken from me and I can’t seem to get my head around it. I have witnessed so much death and loss over the years that I thought I would be able to bare it or even get use to the feeling as horrible as that sounds, but I just feel like this has been the worst loss so far. I have never said this to anybody and only feel comfortable saying this now because you don’t know who I am but will you please give me any advice you can. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate it.
Hi there HD. That is a heck of a lot for one person to bear. Anxiety actually feels a normal response considering. Your brain is overwhelmed and trying to protect you. Grief is a strange beast. It takes a lot of time to process, and comes with a lot of symptoms you’d probably recognise if you read some of our articles on loss and grief. And it’s often a very, very good idea to seek some support. Is there a reason you haven’t talked to a grief counsellor? Most colleges now offer free to low cost counselling as well, we’d highly advise you take advantage of whatever is on offer. Gather up your courage and seek support. It is a sign of strength, to be brave enough to seek support and take care of ourselves, more than any idea of trying to ‘bear it’ alone which tends to just mean we suffer a lot more and way longer. On an additional note, if your fear of water doesn’t clear up after counselling, you might want to try clinical hypnotherapy or EMDR, which can directly deal with anxiety and fear around a clearly defined traumatic event like what you lived through. best, HT.
Hi I’m 15, and I’ve been getting frequent thoughts about my loved ones dying (especially my mom). I try to stop them because I kinda believe that thinking about things makes them more likely to happen, but it doesn’t help and the thought just get more and more frequent. I don’t think I have a codependency issue or anything, but I’m just worried and don’t want anything to happen to my parents because I really love them 🙁 How can I ease these thoughts and stop thinking them? Thanks for your help :))
Hi Isabella, if you have a read of all the other comments you’ll see that you are far from alone with all this and it’s very common for teens to start to panic about one day losing their parents. You are at a time in your life where you are realising that soon you have to be independent and fend for yourself. And you are developing your individual identity that will then carry you through life and realising things about mortality. Trying to ‘stop thinking’ never works in fact it s counterproductive, the thoughts tend to come back stronger. What is better is to talk about this. Why not talk to your Mom about how you have been realising that nothing is forever and it makes you sad that one day you’ll be a grown up alone and she won’t be there? We all actually, all us humans of all ages, feel sad to consider we will lose loved ones, but we all, each one of us will. It’s part of life, less talked about in Western culture than other countries, but a healthy thing to talk about. (Use our search bar to find our article about Death Anxiety, it will also be useful) Or talk to friends or relatives who might have similar thoughts. You might find journalling helpful. And it’s a good idea to talk to a school counsellor too, they would very much understand. Again, death and loss is a part of life. As a teenager we start to realise that, and navigating these realisations is a normal part of growing up. Best, HT.
Hi, im an architecture student and my father passed away suddenly due to a cardiac arrest a few months back. I have immense pressure of work, but seem to escape through worrying, procrastinating, crying and daydreaming. I fear not being able to fulfill his dreams. I cant seem to focus on my tasks properly, fearing death of the ones i have around me as well. i have terrible nightmares often seeing him and waking up to realise he is not here, many days i fell depressed with nightmares and anxious sleep.
Hi there Amy, believe it or not these are normal symptoms of grief. You need to go read or articles on grief and bereavement. Is there a counselling service at your school? Or do you have access to grief counselling? Also consider joining forums where you can touch base with others currently dealing with a loss. And go easy on yourself. Grief takes a long time to get through. Lower your expectations. It sounds like you were already far too hard on yourself, you are only a student with your life ahead of you and you are already worried about fulfilling dreams, and it seems grief has only exacerbated this, so please do seek that support. Best, HT.
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for this article. I was in the middle of one of many panic attacks triggered by the thought of my mother dying. They usually last for well over an hour but I composed myself in 15 minutes this time. I am 28 but still extremely dependent on her and this helped me to realize my real fears were the ones you listed (having no identity of my own, not knowing how to do things by myself, and feeling alone because I have maybe one close friend.) I lost my father as a child and I know how strong I am, but I need to figure out WHO I am…
Hi Jane, that’s a powerful realisation! What could help you do that? Figure out who you are ?By the way, we have some articles on identity, that might help. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/how-to-listen-to-yourself.htm On how to know your own thoughts and feelings. And ones on identity https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/who-am-i-identity-crisis.htm and https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/a-sense-of-self-who-am-i.htm. Best, HT.
I’m glad another poster in here mentioned her pets. My cat is nearly 16,had her since she was a kitten. I have no one else, just her and I’m OK with that as she’s my whole world I love her so much. She has kidney disease and I don’t know how much time we have left together. Ive often thought ‘I go when she goes’. I can’t imagine life without her, it’s devastating and terrifying
Hi Sharon, on one hand, we get it. Animals are so precious, and easier to love than other humans as they ask less of us, are easier to understand, and can give so much affection without strings. But we do worry when you say you have no one else or would want to die without your pet, as no matter how much we love a person, pet, or even an object, this is an over dependence. What is the root of having no one else? Have you ever thought about seeking support over this, to look at what holds you back from relating with others? Best, HT.
Thanks HT. I think I was abused, definitely neglected, as a child. Any subsequent relationships have been with bullies. I kept them in my life I believe due to it being safe, as it’s all ive known. I’m being referred for mental health provision where I’m based as I’ve a lot going on. I’m ready to face it though. You are right about my being over dependent. The root cause is she’s the only one in my life who’s shown me kindness. I don’t want to go when she goes, but then I feel guilty saying that. I want to fight to continue, and not be so obsessed with how much time we have left or lose it when she looks poorly. I’m not sure how I stumbled upon your articles but I’ve read dozens already and they’ve been massively helpful. Thankyou
Hi Sharon, we just want to say congratulations for having the courage to put yourself out there for support, it’s always that first step that is hardest. You are right re bullies. When we grow up in an abusive home, that is our idea of ‘home’, so we naturally can keep choosing it again and again until we realise what is happening. Therapy really helps. What it also helps with is that it helps us be kinder and more compassionate to ourselves. Often when we were abused and neglected without realising it we carry it into adulthood and in tiny ways are constantly abusing and been mean to ourselves. We don’t take care of our health, we alienate ourselves, we don’t follow our dreams… and those around us take our signal and also treat us badly. The more we have compassion and kindness for ourselves, the more we slowly start to meet a different sort of person. It’s a long process that can be challenging, but keep putting one foot in front of the other. We are really glad the site is helping. And again we really truly get that animals are sentient beings who matter as much as other humans to many of us, and that is brutally painful when they move on. But we also truly believe she would not want you to be unhappy without her, but she would be happier to know you were ok when she does move on. Animals can be like little guardian angels from another realm, but they desire our wellbeing, that is why they find us. Best, HT.
Thankyou HT, you have no idea how your insightful and comforting words have helped me already. Im hopeful my psychological therapist is as kind as yourself. I look forward to the future sometimes, rather than being afraid. Thankyou again
Hello. I’m a 21 year old female and for a couple of years now I have been so fearful of my mum dying and also losing my boyfriend. Because within the last 2 years, she has actually become my best friend. I love her so much. I feel like if she was my age and wasn’t my mum we would actually be the bestest of friends. But I also feel slightly dependent on her i think, I’m not so much anymore but from when I was younger she did quite a lot for me and I didn’t see myself as independent until I was like 18. I now feel terrified about what life will be like without her, because I genuinely love her more than anything in the world. The pain would be so aching. I also feel this way about my boyfriend and I’m worried I’m becoming codependent on him instead; we have a healthy relationship so it’s not like we will end any time soon or anything it’s just that when I’m on my own I usually feel fine but when I’m with him and he leaves I get so sad and anxious about what I will feel like on my own, and although we’ve only been together nearly a year sometimes I cry or feel like crying when i tell him i love him because I am so scared of the possibility that he could just not be with me one day when he has become such an integral part of my being. It is so strong it’s almost too strong that sometimes I get thoughts like ‘I’m only really truly happy when I’m with him’ – the fact he probably doesn’t get worries like this makes me feel uncomfortable. He is so self assured that I get the feeling that he thinks of course it would hurt if we weren’t together, but he would still live on. That makes me feel uncomfortable because I feel like I wouldn’t be able to cope without him, he feels like a genuine soul mate and I want to be more independent and I want to not think about losing these 2 people. I think I have anxiety which makes it harder. Thank you
Hi there Bambi, we also received your second comment. To be honest we don’t think you exaggerated, there is some codependency going on here both with your mother and your boyfriend. To some extent it’s normal in young adults, who are fed a constant diet of false ideas of love and relationships from movies etc and who don’t yet have the life experience to know reality is different. And who are in the process of becoming fully independent of their parents, and are facing up to the reality of mortality. So you might naturally outgrow all of this as you get older, live on your own if you aren’t already, etc. But also to say, believe it or not your boyfriend’s attitude is very healthy. We don’t know you and we can’t diagnose based on a comment. but it could be a question of what is known as ‘attachment’. A person with secure attachment knows that they are able to be good with or without the other person. Which is healthy Love is not about being lost without someone else, that’s addiction and instability, love is about feeling the other person knows you and supports you to be your best self but about also being able to be that best self with or without them. Love is not a base for us to feel good, that’s need, addiction, codependency, low self-esteem. Love is a choice to share and grow together (read our guide on healthy relationships for more http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide). If we have what is known as ‘anxious attachment’ relationships make us, well, anxious. (http://bit.ly/anxiousattachment). It could also just be plain old anxiety, as you explain, but the question then becomes, where is this anxiety coming from, what life experiences have led to it. Would you consider counselling? It would be a great idea. If you are at college or university they might offer free to low cost services, do look into it. Best, HT.
i’m a 14 year old girl who is scared of losing her baby brother and little sister. i can tell the difference between a little fear and something way worse. i feel like this isn’t something i’ll get over and deal with easily. i’ve never really lost anyone close to me other than my grandpa but it doesn’t seem like that’s what’s wrong, i’m not sure of anything and everytime i get the chance i hold on to both of them and get really scared to let go (like holding my brothers hand for example or enjoying time with my sister and then her falling asleep) i’m scared something bad is going to happen if i fall asleep and i feel the need to watch over them all the time. sometimes it goes away after a while but not recently. there’s this really bad feeling i have all the time and my chest feels so heavy i don’t know what to do. no one knows anything and i can’t have them knowing. i know it’s really stupid but i’m just not sure of anything ever.
Hi there Aarysa, we don’t think this is stupid. What we do think is that you are suffering from anxiety. Use our search bar to read our articles about it. Anxiety hijacks our mind until we have increasingly illogical thoughts, and fixate on one thing. Is there someone you can talk to about this? An adult you trust, a counsellor at school? We don’t know what country you are in. If you are in the UK, there are a lot of resources for young people, such as the helplines you’ll find in this article http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. If not, google for a help line in your area. And consider reading books about anxiety, there are many these days, with tips to help. Mindfulness, for example, is very useful, you can learn for free here http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. Otherwise, would your parents be open to helping you get some counselling? We have an article on how to talk to your parents about mental health here http://bit.ly/talktoparents. Best, HT.
Hello, I’m a 23 year old who’s about to move out of the family home for good, having come back for holidays during the last 4 years at university. My excitement about getting the job offer that would allow me to leave home quickly turned into an anxiety about my parents getting older, not being able to do the things they enjoy and eventually dying. It is reassuring to learn from the earlier comments/answers that this anxiety is not uncommon for people in my situation. However, given that it does seem to be a normal reaction for young adults leaving home, is there anything that I should do about it? Do I just go ahead with my life in the knowledge that, when I establish my life away from home, it will no longer be an issue? Or should I address it somehow? Although it has improved slightly from what it was, my anxiety is still disrupting my sleeping and eating habits, and while the starting point is always about my parents dying, my thoughts often spiral into a sort of existential crisis about my own life. This has all come from a moment that should be making me good about the future, but I can’t shake off this panic. I feel like me being the youngest child and therefore leaving my parents on their own is not helping my problem.
Thanks for your help.
Hi Alex, have you talked to your parents about this? Sat down and shared that you are feeling some anxiety, and perhaps even some guilt about leaving them ’empty nesters’? Shared how excited you are about this move but also how it feels overwhelming? We ask this as it seems you haven’t, which would lead us to question if you are from a family you feel supported by and able to be yourself around, and if not, who are you able to talk to about things like this with? Life changes make the best of us anxious, and while that is indeed normal, it’s more worrisome that it feels you have nobody to talk this through with. Sometimes just a safe space to talk things through is all we need. If you don’t have this outlet, and if after the move you are still feeling anxious, we’d suggest you reach out to a counsellor. It might just be a few sessions and you’ll feel settled, it might be that you discover this big move has triggered other things that need dealing with. Regardless, we think the answer here is finding support, whether that is a friend, family member, or counsellor. Best, HT.
Hi, I’m a 14 year old, and recently I found out my best friend tried to commit suicide. I’ve always know she was struggling, and have done my best to help her, but after finding out I feel so helpless. I panic more and more especially since I now know that was her second attempt. I’m doing the best I can, talking to her, supporting her, and gifting her little things as well as writing letters, but I’m afraid I will end up losing her. I have only known her for 3-4 years but she is so so important to me, I have such good memories with her, and can’t image life if I just woke up one morning and found out the she was gone. I know she’s getting help, in fact she’s getting a lot of support but that doesn’t keep me from freaking out, or crying. Is there anything I should do? Thanks for your time.
Hi Emily, sounds difficult. But it also sounds like you are doing a lot of really positive things here. You are letting your friend know you care, and are being honest with yourself about how upsetting this is. And we are assuming you’ve let your friend know it’s upsetting to you that they would not be there. It’s a normal, healthy reaction to be upset if someone you love has had actual brushes with death. This is not just anxiety, or worry about some possible scenario, this is a real worry based on factual things that have happened and an actual risk you might lose this friend. You feel helpless as the truth is we are in many ways helpless, as we can’t control another person, no matter how much we love them. We can only let them know they are loved, which you are doing. So in this case we’d say you need some support too. Is there someone you can talk to about this? An adult you trust, a counsellor at school? Do you trust your parents enough to let them know this is really upsetting you and you need some support yourself? We have an article here on how to tell your parents you need some mental health support http://bit.ly/talktoparents. This really isn’t something to suffer through alone as it’s a very difficult situation. Best, HT
i am 19 years old and i have this anxiety ever since my University begun. I know i fear for the unknown and independant or alone. But whenever i faced a difficulty or challenges or future challenges, the thought of losing family’s anxiety just come out and cover the rest of fears. And it only give more anxiety than it already should be.
Everytime i beat these anxieties back but they just keep coming back. Although reading your article ease me, but i fear it wont help me forever.
What should i do to clear the thoughts and fears and anxiety ?
Hi there CCK. So here’s the thing, trying to ‘beat back’ anxiety can just make it roar up stronger. Sometimes we just need to try relaxing into the fear and worry and seeing what is behind it, seeing it like a wave, sometimes big, sometimes small, but something that just washes over us. A great help here can be a mindfulness practise. With time, it helps us to realise that the thoughts are just thoughts, not who we are, or not reality. You can learn for free here http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. Anxiety can be about one things, but then fixate on something else entirely. We think you are right that being away from home and being independent is probably the real issue, but your mind has fixated on losing your parents. If it doesn’t get better with time, and starts to make daily coping hard, then do try counselling. CBT therapy is evidence based for anxiety, and there is also clinical hypnotherapy which some people get results with. Best, HT.
I am 24 and when I was a child I watched that movie all dogs go to heaven and it clicked in my brain that we all die and if you go to heaven it’s forever and ever and ever and it has no end. And ever since then at least once or twice a year I will have such bad anxiety that my mom can’t get out of my site. My dad was a drug addict and super mean growing up so I just had my mom but she had to worry about my dad brother and grandparents. Anyways. Now I’m qn adult and literally think that if I don’t live with her or don’t see her every day that something bad will happen if I’m not there and that if she dies I won’t be happy I won’t want to live I won’t be able to survive I won’t have anyone ill just crumble and die. So I cry about literally everything and anything. If she gets sick I get very emotional. And this makes me feel so stupid and childish but I literally can’t fathom my mom dying and when I think about it I fall into this deep dark black pit of despair and I feel like I’m seeing the world from a 3rd person pov bc i feel so detached and I just cry for hours. I’m currently trying RRT therapy but uh I’m at a loss really.
Hi there, RRT therapy is not recognised as an official therapy here in the UK so we can’t comment on its efficiency unfortunately. But it’s great that you are reaching out for support. It sounds like there was a lot of instability growing up and you now have anxiety and attachment issues. If RRT therapy doesn’t work out, don’t give up on therapy. Sometimes we need to give therapy a few tries, or try a different therapist or type of therapy before we get the ‘click’ and start to move forward. Schema therapy might be a useful one for you, it creates a very safe container for you to work within. CBT therapy would help you get your anxious thoughts under control, but is often a bit clinical over warm, whereas schema therapy uses the therapist/client relationship as a tool and you might benefit from this. Best, HT.
I’m Michaela (21) and I have severe anxiety and depression. I have been to a few therapists concerning the issues I’m having but I haven’t had any progress yet. I have a constant fear about my mother dying. She is my best friend and I love her very much. I saw the codependent aspect and I do want to make her happy and feel as if I would be alone without her because she’s my only friend and she’s been the only constant in my life. I know that I would be fine in aspects in my life such as financials and independence. However, I just don’t feel I could be without my mom ever. I spend time with her but I feel it’s never enough and that I’m not going to get to spend enough time with her before she dies (shes 42 and in decent health) I just worry all the time and feel like she’s going to die all the time when I’m not with her. Do you have any suggestions on what I could do to fix that? I don’t know fully what my issue is. Maybe not being able to understand what my actual underlying issue is? I understand that she will die eventually, I just feel I won’t ever have enough time with her. Thank you 😢
Hi there Michaela. So what we see here is a real lack of trust. You say you’ve seen several therapists, for example. So we are guessing you aren’t trusting the ones you try and sticking it out. (And if you are with a therapist now but asking for advice instead of talking to them this shows total lack of trust in the therapist and the process). And you don’t trust life to take care of you when your mother moves on. You also say your mother is your ‘only friend’ implying you don’t trust people your own age. So as for the ‘fix’. You aren’t broken, you don’t need ‘fixing’, you are simply human, one who needs to find her way forward and work on a few things. People aren’t math, nor is life. It’s a process, often a messy one, with many ups and downs. Quick fixes don’t exist. Although a good start would be finding a therapist you can see is a good person you could grow to trust (if you have trust issues, you won’t trust ANY therapist at first, so don’t expect to) and sticking it out, even through the tough bits. And maybe looking at where all this lack of trust originates from. If we have trust issues, we often also have control issues. We want to control everything. This doesn’t work. The human experience involves challenge after challenge. Including losing those we love at one point. Well, the physical form of them. Challenge is how we grow. If we don’t know sadness, we can’t know joy. The other thing with anxiety is our mind becomes addicted to negative thinking. We highly recommend committing to a gratitude practise. Again, committing. Doing it every day, even if you don’t trust the process and it seems pointless. it is a way to train your brain to see different perspectives. And consider learning mindfulness. It’s evidence based for anxiety, there are many research studies. Again, it’s a daily commitment, but it helps your brain to stay in the present moment instead of constantly obsessing on the future. http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout Best, HT.
First if all thank you for writing this. It helped me a lot! So.. I have an amazing family. I love them so much and cant imagine any life without any of them. Especially my mom. She helps me live. I don’t know what I woyld do with out her. She helps me when im sad and when im lost she reassures me and I dont think I would be here right now without her in my life. She is one of my biggest supporters. Im getting worried and sad about loosing her even know she isnt close to passing. It just sacres me that I never know when shes going to pass or any of my family. What should I do?
Hi ther Tracey, we are guessing you are a teenager. Have a read through the comments where we discuss this. It’s normal to go through this as a teen. You are in the period of life where you start to develop your own identity and prepare for standing on your own two feet as an adult. And part of that can be growing pains, where you feel panicky and terrified about not being a kid relying on your parents and where you realise your parents are mortal. So don’t judge yourself for the feeling, just understand it’s a part of growing up. And you just have to take it day by day. And that bit by bit, your own identity will get stronger, you’ll feel more and more aware of your own personal power, and you’ll stop being a kid relying on her and become an adult relying on you, until one day you marvel at the fact that you used to think you were helplessly reliant on her. If the anxiety ever becomes so much that you can’t function on a day to day basis, then talk to someone, either an adult you trust or the counsellor at school. Best, HT.
Thank you! I am a teen. I am also getting nervous and panicky about nothing and don’t know why. I worry about usless things and don’t know why. What do you think?
Hi Jacey, we’d say either what we talk about in the comment response we left, or a bit of generalised anxiety. Being a teen is tough. A lot of teens feel anxious. If it gets to the point you are struggling on a daily basis, talk to an adult you trust, your doctor, or a school counsellor. Or ask your parents if they could help you seek some counselling. Again, do scroll through this comment section and you’ll see how many teens feel the same. Best, HT.
Hi, my name is yunya and I m 22 years old and I can’t stop thinking about loosing my family members and my partner, specially my parents I mean they are my everything I love them more then anything. it’s been a month since this unfortunate feeling or pain hit me and I can’t stop crying it’s getting worst as I can’t talk to anyone about this in my house. I mean I can’t brought up this painfull truth of the life as chat in front of them. I did talk to my partner about my this and I even cry in front of him and hi did comfort me with many peaceful thoughts and words but still my tears won’t stop I love my family and him it’s hard…
Hi Yunya, have a scroll through the other comments and you’ll find you are far, far from alone. It’s part of growing up, to realise that we are mortal and that everyone around us is. We mourn it, and then we learn to value our life and those around us. So sounds to us like you are going through the normal process of separating from your parents as their child and becoming an adult yourself. Take things one day at a time. These feelings often naturally fade when we move out of the house and find a job and our own apartment and step more and more into adulthood. Often this panicking about parents dying is also a way to process our own fears about having to be independent, we can hide all those fears behind this other fear. What concerns us here is not the worries about mortality and loss but that you feel you can’t actually talk to your family. Do you have anyone else to talk to besides your new partner? If not, do consider booking some counselling. If you are at school you might find they offer free to low cost counselling to students. Sometimes we all need someone to talk to, and having a safe, unbiased space to discuss our feelings can really help. We wish you courage. Best, HT.
Sometimes when my parent leaves the house, and is gone for a while, I start panicking and start to think that something bad has happened to them, so I start crying, even after I text them and they tell me they are alright I continue to cry, is there any kind of explanation for what I’m feeling? I looked it up and it says it’s separation anxiety but I don’t think so. I’m terrified of being alone as well, just thinking about me in the future by myself without any of my siblings or parents/ grandparent makes me extremely sad and I’m scared. This is not the first time it has happened. I’m so scared of losing my parents, siblings, and my Gma, shes old and I’m not ready to lose her. When she leaves this earth I think I might actually become depressed, and that’s normal right? I know I won’t be able to function properly, I’m gonna be in all kinds of pain. It’s gonna be so weird because me, my mom and siblings are always visiting and having fun over there, then it’s just gonna be over. My brother had to leave and I won’t see him for years, maybe like 20 years and that has messed me up. The last time we saw each other was when I was like 14-15, and now we might not see each other until we’re in our 30-40s. I even gave up my spot to visit him so my younger siblings could have a chance so they don’t forget him or something, I hope his kids remember him somehow. I used to cry myself to sleep over it. We were so close growing up and I miss all the time that we spent together, but he had to leave and it’s just very painful, I don’t know how I’ll survive actually losing someone to death.
Hi there. So we are going to guess you are under the age of 22 and in the period of life where you are realising you are soon going to have to be an independent adult. Give a scroll through all the comments you will find you are far from alone in this sort of panic about losing loved ones. It’s very common in people of your age. We develop anxiety about losing loved ones as a way to manage our own anxiety about having to grow up and be independent basically. And we lose the ‘untouchable’ feeling teens seem to have, realise we are not untouchable but are vulnerable and mortal, and have to become a responsible adult. The anxiety starts to fade when we move out, go to school, get a job, and start to take charge of our life, realising our personal power. Otherwise, if the anxiety becomes unmanageable, do reach out and talk to someone, such as the counsellor at school or a trusted adult. Best, HT.
Thank you so much, I’ll try my best!
Ever since we rode on a new ride, the SteelHawk at an amusement park, World’s of Fun, me and my family go to every year, we went on it all the time and we loved everything about it. The view, the pretty lights, etc. A couple years later, I began to have fearful thoughts of one of my family members or myself killing themselves on it by falling off, or me doing it to them, which is definitely something I would never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, do. I love my family so much. A few years past and I stopped imagining it. Now, I work as a halloween screamer at Worlds of Fun. I have been watching the SteelHawk go and the thoughts kept coming back to me. I have been telling my twin sister about it and my Mom and luckily, they understand. Also, my twin sister has been going through this stage too. But still, I don’t want any of them dying on a really cool ride we have been on since it first came out. I really wanna not think about it anymore at all. Is there anything that’ll make me not think about it ever again? Thank you!
Hi Emily, if you scroll through the other comments, you can find comfort in the fact this is often a normal part of teenage years. We’d imagine that, unless these thoughts are also joined by many other anxious thoughts, that they will just fade with time. If you are having many other dark, anxious thoughts, however, then we’d advise seeing a counsellor to see if it’s anxiety. Otherwise, clinical hypnotherapy can be helpful, as can teaching yourself how to have balanced thoughts https://bit.ly/thinkbalance. Best, HT.
I’m 11 years old..and I have fear of losing my mother, sister or father. In my memories I heard my aunt say that their mother died when she was 45 years old..and my mother is 41-42 years old…I don’t know if this is my own imagination or what but whenever I think about it, I end up in tears. I am close to my sister. But, I cannot tell about this phobia to her..she would probably say that I just have to stop thinking like last time when I told her..I can’t tell my mother too..I don’t think she would understand me either well she may as she is a doctor…but…I don’t know if I should tell her or not…I cannot tell my father too. He wouldn’t really understand me…I don’t have anyone I can share this with…
I’m dont know anyone I can trust.. I have friends…but I’m just a 6th wheeler among them. They all have friendships going on..
I don’t know what to do..
I am unable to sleep these days.Our school starts at 6:30 am so I have to wake up early which results in me not getting sleep at all.
I don’t know why but I’m starting to get scared of birthdays…
Birthday is just a day where we celebrate that the death of our loved ones is coming closer…
I also am scared of the dark. Some times it gets so worse that I can’t even lift up our bed sheet and look under the bed because I start shaking.
These days both 9f my phobias are active and I don’t get much sleep. I sleep like 3-4 hours a day..
And my sister, mother and father’s birthday is coming…
My sister’s is on 23 oct. My father’s on 28 oct. My mother’s on 19 October….
Im thinking..I should give my mother loooootttts of gifts on her 45th birthday…I don’t care about my budget. I would rather give away all my money than lose my loved ones. Or at least…keep them happy…
Please tell me what should I do..I’m in a situation where I cannot share it with anyone nor can I do anything..I mean I can but…
If….. unfortunately….any loved one I hope not dies…I don’t think my mental health would stay stable anymore..
hi Alice, if you read through the comments, you’ll find you are in good company. A lot of young people have this fear. It starts when as an adolescent you realise that life is limited and not forever and one day you have to be independent of your parents. So in your case, it’s started a bit young. We’d imagine you are rather bright and that your tendency to think a lot has started this a bit early. What concerns us is that you don’t feel you can talk to your parents. You’d be surprised how much they might understand it. Everyone goes through this at some point, realising life is not forever and we all die and feeling anxious about that. So we’d say it’s worth giving them a try and not assuming you know how they would respond. It sounds also that this isn’t just about a fear of loss but that you might be developing anxiety. In this case it is important to seek help. Which might mean talking to your parents or a school counsellor and letting them know your thoughts are getting out of control and upsetting you. We have an article here on how to talk to your parents about mental health http://bit.ly/talktoparents. We are pretty sure if they had any idea you were struggling they would want to help. They are your parents. Also, we think you could benefit from a gratitude practise to help teach your mind to keep a more balanced perspective http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise. And don’t overlook calling a free, confidential helpline if you are feeling really lost, there are many just for teens where you can even text or send emails, we have a list of the ones here in the UK here if not google for one in your area http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide. Finally, you are not your thoughts. thoughts are just thoughts, we are something more. And when life happens, we tend to rise to the occassion in ways we never thought we’d be able to. Life can be be tough sometimes, but it’s also beautiful, and without challenges we’d never grow as people. Best, HT.
This article is really helpful and I have also had some therapy from Harley as I had a breakdown triggered by the pandemic and I was helped enormously by the therapy but I have other lingering problems that I think are so deep-rooted. I have had severe social anxiety for as long as I can remember. My dad died of cancer when I was 9 then my 15 year old brother also died of cancer and my mum became an alcoholic. I was lost. People say it’s understandable but that doesn’t help me. I managed to make short-term friends at uni but only when it revolved around drinking as this took away my fear. Then I met my now partner who I have been with for almost 40 years. He grew up in care and had no-one either. We both gravitated to each other and have been inseparable ever since. We have a lovely adult son and a successful business together. I no longer drink. But I wake up every day panicking and thinking what if my partner dies. I love him so much; he is funny and outgoing and people are attracted to him. I am not lying when I say I know people find me strange and avoid me; I think my tension is palpable and makes them uncomfortable. I don’t enjoy these interactions one bit either in fact they are like torture. I don’t go anywhere much without my partner or son. Our life is very happy but we are getting older and both have health issues. I am so afraid of the nothingness if I am left alone; nobody to share my thoughts with, no-one to cuddle up to, nothing. I can do the physical things to live myself but that’s not what I’m worried about, it’s the emotional void. I don’t want my son to have the burden of me as a mum like I had with mine if I can’t cope. I have tried antidepressants but I don’t like the feeling of them; these thoughts are based in reality and I feel that masking them isn’t going to help me. I’ve had several courses of therapy from various sources but, although they have helped, they just can’t change the way I am and after many years I have come to the conclusion I am a broken person who just can’t be fixed. Any comment would be really appreciated.
Hi F, it’s curious that you say you have tried several courses of therapy. What has you stopping the therapy? Changing therapists? You see change is hard. Very hard. It requires working through the uncomfortable bits. Therapy has a lot of uncomfortable bits, also bits that seem pointless and feel like plateau-ing, or pulling teeth… and then breakthroughs happen. But you have to commit and stick it out. So then what it is that impedes this? Is it the type of therapy? Have you not found the right ‘click’ with a therapist themselves? Or…? Sometimes it can be that deep down we think we want change but we might not. Somehow, in ways it can take a lot of courage to admit to, we benefit from the world view we have decided is ‘based on reality’. We don’t necessarily agree that all of your thoughts are, we sense what is called ‘cognitive distortions’ going on, thinking that we have decided is reality but is our own distorted take on things. Whatever the case might be for you, we don’t think we have any right to tell you what’s what or how you can have any breakthrough based on a comment, as it is so much better to work with someone who can get to know you, and we worry you are just seeking endless opinions but will somehow turn it around to the same conclusion every time… that you are hopeless, that nothing can change.When you aren’t. Again, worth asking how it benefits you to decide you are broken and can’t be fixed. Finally, you obviously have a very strong mind that might on some levels not want to change. So you could try a modality that is less talk and more other ways of working, to circumvent your strong beliefs and work regardless if you do or don’t think you are beyond help. Such as as EMDR, clinical hypnotherapy, BWRT, and body psychotherapy. We’d highly recommend EMDR and BWRT to start as they both deal directly at changing the brain’s trauma response. Best, HT.
Thanks for the reply. The therapy I have had has been over the course of many years with various therapists. I don’t know why but somehow I don’t think I truly ever explain what I want to be fixed and we always seem to reach a point where the therapist seems satisfied I am doing much better and I agree with them. Then I go away and I’m still the same…
I did notice how many negatives/can’ts/don’ts were in my previous post after I had written it. I know when you ask how it benefits me to feel I am broken there is probably an important reason but I’m unable to see it; consciously I would give anything to be more like the relaxed and happy people I see around me. I will look into BWRT and EMDR – thank you.
F this is actually a common issue with those who grew up in a precarious household. You mentioned your Father died when you were young and your mother became an alcoholic. What happens is that as a child we learn to read the damaged adult’s response very carefully and then be what they want us to be so we don’t risk negative attention and also so we get the positive attention we need to survive. This is also called codependency, we learn to create an identity based on bending who we are to make those around us happy. Again this can also just be a survival game, a way to avoid upsetting a parent who is unstable. The problem is that the child gets so used to hiding their anger and sadness and morphing to what they need to be that it becomes an ingrained habit. So then as adults we have this habit so perfected we think it is who we are even. Our own real identity can be largely lost in the fray. Then when we go to the hairdresser, dentist, or, yes, therapist, even if we practice saying what we want to say in advance suddenly there we are, saying just what we think that person wants us to say, being another person, actually (and walking out with the haircut we didn’t want!). After we feel anxious and uncomfortable as we are aware we can’t just be ourselves around others (you also mention this sort of pattern in all your social interactions). So a way to deal with this is to say right away in a first session, something along lines of, “I have a problem with pleasing, of being what I think a therapist wants, going into pleasing mode, I think I am scared of not being liked by a therapist, I want to discuss this now so I don’t do endless sessions where I am really not asking for what I need.” You say you want to be like the relaxed people around you, they are likely relaxed as they don’t have a radar constantly scanning for what others want and aren’t distracted and stressed by unconsciously trying to meet that perceived need, does that make sense? They are able to just be themselves likely because as a child this was not held against them. As for the reasons, a classic example is that always feeling different and unloved benefits us in that we can give ourselves an excuse to not try difficult situations, a way to avoid other hurt, and a way to feel sorry for ourselves, or even special, in a backwards way. Or we can use it to gain attention and support from others, even, sympathy. We aren’t saying these are your reasons, but we are pointing out there can be many benefits. BWRT and EMDR can really help to soothe this way of always living in ‘switched on’ mode, as it lowers and regulates the stress response that is connected to it. Best, HT.
I am a 47 year old lesbian whose wife is a decade older than I am. Even though my wife is in good health for her age, I worry about her death, sometimes to the point of crying about it. I have other family but they are busy with their own lives and I have a few close friends but they live far away. If something were to happen to my wife, I feel like I would be all alone. I also feel like if I tried to find support in the community that the fact that I lost a same sex spouse would make it hard to find support. When I think of life without my wife, I just imagine myself so alone that I eventually just give up and die.
Hi there Laura, this feels to us to be about much more than just this situation. Perhaps even an issue with connection and loneliness and never feeling like you fit in that we’d guess pre-dates meeting your wife. Would you consider going to counselling? We think it would be tremendously helpful for you, these are just the kinds of issues and anxieties talk therapy is perfect for, and we feel that it could make a real difference not just to this situation, but also your daily life. Best, HT.
Hey, am a 36 year old woman, eldest in my siblings, my parents are 65 and 60, I have been diagnosed with anxiety and OCD. I am Egyptian and unfortunately all my therapy experiences have been really bad or not useful. I haven’t been living with my parents for 10 years or so, after my divorce (6 years ago) I decided not to go back to my parents house as we clash a lot (me & my dad cause we are too much alike) when we are in the same space but this is how we know how to deal with each other yet the love is pretty much there. My anxiety has been kicking in hard though am on medications and I feel very guilty for not spending enough time with them, I fear of loosing them all the time, if I call and they don’t pick up, first thought is someone died, I am very close to my mom, I call her like a zillion times a day, I also ask about my dad through her all the time. I dunno how obsessing about it is gonna prevent it from happening, I might even go before them which also worries me cause they wont handle it specially my dad (He is super emotional and I believe he suffers from sever anxiety as well) Both my parents got sick a few months ago with covid and it was the worst time of my life, i moved in with them to take care of them and I can still remember the oxygen machine sound that mom used and it was just anxiety hell. I feel my life is on hold all the time, waiting for it to happen. My medications make me a bit emotionally numb but I here I am at my desk at work crying and writing you this. I am tired.
Hi there L. So when we have severe anxiety, our brain tends to pick one thing as it’s main ‘go to’, to feed the anxiety. And your has picked your parent’s death. Death is a common thing to have as a anxiety focus point. But the real issue is still the anxiety. How long did you stick with therapy? What kinds of therapy? Did you like your therapist? It’s not an instant fix and it can be a bit like dating to find the therapist you are comfortable with. With anxiety, particularly to this extreme, the wrong sort of therapy could backfire, for example, a therapy that just had you talking about your problems over providing you with actual tools, both for lowering your stress response, thinking in more useful ways, and coping. One tool that is shown by research to help anxiety is mindfulness. It requires daily commitment, but it’s easy to learn http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. We’d suggest therapies that simply work to calm your stress response instead of endlessly going over the past, such as BWRT, clinical hypnotherapy or CBT. If there was trauma in your past EMDR is another great choice. Best, HT.
Hi there! I’m Prachi, 22 years old. Recently in COVID my friend lost her father. Since then I’m having this feeling like if I enjoy life too much, or be happy, something bad will happen to my family. 6 years back my dad was hospitalized due to a heart problem and at that time I felt my life is nothing without him, it will be better if I just die before him or with him and this thought still comes to my mind. And nowadays with COVID around, each and every death, I hear about gives me anxiety and that feeling comes in again like if I will be happy or most importantly if people will see me happy, something bad will happen. So I just don’t want anybody to know that I went out, or had a good time with my parents. I’m unable to deal with this.
PS: The day my dad was hospitalized, we earlier had a great day, we talked, laughed, the weather was great and we went for a walk. So whenever I’m feeling that happiness, it just scares me.
Hi Prachi, the pandemic has seen a very sharp rise in anxiety issues worldwide. We are definitely seeing this in the UK so we confirm you are in good company and far from alone in this. What you are describing are indeed classic anxiety symptoms, which, yes, can be overwhelming. But give yourself credit as you are dealing with it, even if if feels hard to believe, you are making it through each day. Try to just do your best with each day over letting your mind, which is now addicted to anxious thoughts, to always be thinking of the future and whether you can or cannot cope. Just cope with this exact minute and be proud of yourself for each hour, minute, and day you get through. Then do seek support. Again, anxiety can be addictive, it’s hard to shake alone, we’d highly suggest you seek some counselling with someone who deals with anxiety, CBT therapy is a short term therapy that is shown by research to help with anxiety and you don’t even talk about your past really, it is focussed on current day issues. Also use our search bar to find all our articles on anxiety full of useful and free tips you can put into practice today, including our article on death anxiety, which is a common form of anxiety. We wish you courage. Best, HT.
My husband lately since losing a family friend has been having trouble sleeping bc all he can think about is if there’s a heaven or hell will he go to heaven, will he see everyone that has passed away in the afterlife, will he see me again (wife).Is he wasting time playing video games when he could be doing something else….It’s weird bc he has lost closer family members who he was much closer to and it didn’t phase him like it has now.How can I help him and comfort him?Why is he feeling this way?!?!HELP!!!!
Hey,
I’m 18. I lost my father when I was 13, and at the same year I lost my grandfather too. After loosing my father this fear automatically fixed in my head that I’ll loose my other loved one like my mom or my brother. This thought is continuously roaming in my head for almost past 2 years and I’m fed up with it. I just keep on thinking about death even though I do not want to. My daily life is getting affected by this, I’m not able to focus on my studies or just sit quietly. No matter what I do these thoughts just won’t leave my head. I think these thoughts were just beginning cause now many negative thoughts of all types keeps roaming in my head. Either I will think bad about myself or someone else even though I know I’m not this kind of person. When I think about my loved ones death and I’m doing something like studying or sketching I think if I got this thing right nothing bad will happen. I keep thinking if I don’t do this thing right something bad will happen to my loved ones. I feel like I’m putting their life at stake when I do this. I don’t know what’s my problem is. I know it’s wrong but I don’t know how to stop this. Recently when these thoughts get heavy on my mind I wish I was dead rather than having these thoughts but at the same point I want to live too. I feel frustrated. I get irritated by these thoughts. I started meditation this year but it’s not helping a lot either, when I close my eyes only thing I think about is death of my loved ones. When my mom or my brother are out of house and are getting late I became anxious about their well being. After loosing my father things have been hard for us, we left our father’s house and got settled with our maternal grandmother, even then things are hard. I do not trust my relatives. I only want my mom and my brother. And I don’t know what is happening with me right now. I don’t know why I’m being like this. I was a lovely, energetic and and extrovert since I was a kid but now I think if I tell someone about my problems they won’t understand or feel burdened with me. I had cheerful personality till I was 15 but now I’m not even able to socialize. I feel like everytime I talk I only talk nonsense. I don’t know what to do in life. I feel like to hit on my head multiple times.
And sometimes my breathing gets heavy and fast because of these thoughts
Hey, I’m 18. I lost my father when I was 13, and at the same year I lost my grandfather too. After loosing my father this fear automatically fixed in my head that I’ll loose my other loved one like my mom or my brother. This thought is continuously roaming in my head for almost past 2 years and I’m fed up with it. I just keep on thinking about death even though I do not want to. My daily life is getting affected by this, I’m not able to focus on my studies or just sit quietly. No matter what I do these thoughts just won’t leave my head. I think these thoughts were just beginning cause now many negative thoughts of all types keeps roaming in my head. Either I will think bad about myself or someone else even though I know I’m not this kind of person. When I think about my loved ones death and I’m doing something like studying or sketching I think if I got this thing right nothing bad will happen. I think that if I do this thing wrong something bad will happen to my loved ones. I feel like I’m putting their life at stake when I do this. I don’t know what’s my problem is. I know it’s wrong but I don’t know how to stop this. Recently when these thoughts get heavy on my mind I wish I was dead rather than having these thoughts but at the same point I want to live too. I feel frustrated. I get irritated by these thoughts. I started meditation this year but it’s not helping a lot either, when I close my eyes only thing I think about is death of my loved ones. When my mom or my brother are out of house and are getting late I became anxious about their well being. After loosing my father things have been hard for us, we left our father’s house and got settled with our maternal grandmother, even then things are hard. I do not trust my relatives. I only want my mom and my brother. And I don’t know what is happening with me right now. I don’t know why I’m being like this. I was a lovely, energetic and and extrovert since I was a kid but now I think if I tell someone about my problems they won’t understand or feel burdened with me. I had cheerful personality till I was 15 but now I’m not even able to socialize. I feel like everytime I talk I only talk nonsense. I don’t know what to do in life. I feel like to hit on my head multiple times.
Sometimes my breathing becomes heavy and fast because of these thoughts. I just feel this problem is getting bigger and bigger day by day.
Hey, I’m 18. I lost my father when I was 13, and at the same year I lost my grandfather too. After loosing my father this fear automatically fixed in my head that I’ll loose my other loved one like my mom or my brother. This thought is continuously roaming in my head for almost past 2 years and I’m fed up with it. I just keep on thinking about death even though I do not want to. My daily life is getting affected by this, I’m not able to focus on my studies or just sit quietly. No matter what I do these thoughts just won’t leave my head. I think these thoughts were just beginning cause now many negative thoughts of all types keeps roaming in my head. Either I will think bad about myself or someone else even though I know I’m not this kind of person. When I think about my loved ones death and I’m doing something like studying or sketching I think if I got this thing right nothing bad will happen. I feel like if I don’t get it right something bad will happen to my loved ones. I feel like I’m putting their life at stake when I do this. I don’t know what’s my problem is. Recently when these thoughts get heavy on my mind I wish I was dead rather than having these thoughts but at the same point I want to live too. I feel frustrated. I get irritated by these thoughts. I started meditation this year but it’s not helping a lot either, when I close my eyes only thing I think about is death of my loved ones. When my mom or my brother are out of house and are getting late I became anxious about their well being. After loosing my father things have been hard for us, we left our father’s house and got settled with our maternal grandmother, even then things are hard. I do not trust my relatives. I only want my mom and my brother. And I don’t know what is happening with me right now. I don’t know why I’m being like this. I was a lovely, energetic and and extrovert since I was a kid but now I think if I tell someone about my problems they won’t understand or feel burdened with me. I had cheerful personality till I was 15 but now I’m not even able to socialize. I feel like everytime I talk I only talk nonsense. I don’t know what to do in life. I feel like to hit on my head multiple times.
My mom and brother are very loving towards me. Even when things are going right I think something bad will happen. I talked about all these things with my mom but it’s not helping. These thoughts keep coming back. I’ve anxiety(told by doctor) but these thoughts just makes me weak and it feels like they are getting out of control and bigger problems. Even if I’m watching a film or show or reading a book I connect negatively to them. Everything bad that happens in movie or book I connect it with myself. Sometimes any dialogue makes me think negatively even if it’s a good one. I keep on having negative thoughts about everything around me.
Sometimes my breathing becomes heavy and fast because of all these thoughts. And I don’t know how to cope up.
Hello. I’m 22, turning 23 this month, and all of a sudden today I started crying for my Grandpa. He’s still kicking at 80+ years but he’s getting old. I hear from my uncle that his mind is slowly deteriorating. He’s not the man that we all remember. My heart aches knowing that with every year he grows older. I fear for what is to come. Lately I have been so busy with moving out of my parents’ place into my boyfriend’s place, work, college, I haven’t spent as much time as I should with him. I’m regretting it so much. I know it’s not too late to visit, but I am also scared to see him and be reminded that he isn’t getting younger, and his mind isn’t what it used to be. It’s going to tear me apart. You also mentioned in the article how there might be another fear behind the scenes like loneliness. Recently, my family and I haven’t been getting along, so the thought of my Grandpa, the only person who has loved me unconditionally from the very beginning just leaving all of a sudden really hurts. Bad. I’m crying and can’t got to bed and I don’t want to accept what’s next.
My phone got stolen just few days back. It’s the first time in my life. It carried several memories of my last 3 years of life. More than most of it was not backed up, all gone. As soon as I came into the realisation that my pocket of memories were gone, dying felt better. I wasn’t able to process the situation I got. To many it will sound like me being over dramatic. However, I realised that one breathes life in a non living thing by the heart one puts in it. And this triggered my fear more, of losing my parents one day, since I never had anyone else apart from them since I was a kid. Now I’m 25 and it breaks my heart to see them grow old and weak. Upon that, I have been coming across death news quite often, that’s been affecting me more. Thus, everything I do have started looking meaningless and it feels there’s something heavy weighing on my chest, and there’s a constant voice I can hear within me, telling stuff. I don’t know how to go about things.
Hello, I’m worried about my parents, specifically my mom, passing away. Right now I’m having extreme anxiety about it, I just started college and it’s going ok considering my issues with sleep apnea and anxiety. My mother and father had me late in their lives (40) and recently my grandparents have all gotten more ill with time. I’m very scared about losing these people because I sometimes struggle making new connections in my life. My aunt’s and uncles are having grandchildren and I feel like a disappointment that I haven’t been working towards finding a partner and having children, my parents have never put pressure on me about this but I still feel like I need to provide them with help and love and grandkids. I feel like I am rambling a little bit, but it’s just helpful to get it out. I felt a little stupid searching up feelings of irrational anxiety about loved ones but I’m glad resources like this are here for people. Thank you very much.
I read through all of the comments and responses. But I didn’t see any quite like mine. I’m 35, I’ve been happily married for 10 years to my soul mate, the only person in the whole world who truly knows me and loves me anyway. Together, we have 3 sons (ages 9, 5, and 1). They are our world. My husband is an amazing father. He is the hero, the comforter, the pitcher, the catcher, the head of our home. He is a strong man of God, and loves us all better then we could ever imagine. My boys adore their dad, I am more in love with him now then ever before. While I often wonder what I did to deserve this man, those questions quickly cover me in fear. Heavy, breath taking, gut punching fear. What if he died tomorrow, how would I ever get through it? What would happen to my boys? They would be so broken, so crushed and left with an emptiness that I could never fill. What would we do without him? How would we endure the pain? It feels so real and so unbearable I sob just thinking about it. How do I deal with this? I’ll also add, I AM A THERAPIST! And this cripples me :(.
Hi I just lost a friend suddenly and since having extreme anxiety/panick attacks about losing my young family in the same way, I’m so close with the friends partner who passed that I literally feel in their shoes, how I would cope how I would be enough for my children on my own I’m only 31 it’s crippling me so bad to the point it’s effecting my every day life I just don’t know how to overcome it will I ever feel better? Just have a gut wrenching sick feeling constantly I can’t eat struggling with sleep to.
Hi, Thank you for this article. also my English is bad don`t mind it. I`m 24 and for the past year i have felt like this. Before, I was a girl who afraid of death. i was afraid of thinking, talking about death. also i overthink every little thing in my life. i worried about my past mistakes, thing that i told someone. in the past year, I lost my ex boyfriend due to suicide. we had a 2 year relationship and we had to choose different paths so we broke up. for me that was one thing i had to get over. i really loved him and i really dreamed about our future together. so i really tried to move on and after one year i met someone who liked me before even i know him. after some months i decided to say yes to him because with him i felt i can move on from my first love. i thought everything is now okay and i moved on. after 4 years one day i met my ex oneday and he was depressed. he talked about death all the time so i was afraid that anything will happens to him so every time he calls me i answered his calls without hesitation. me and one of his friend tried hard to save him but at the end we couldn`t. in those days my boyfriend, my friends and my family supported me a lot but i don’t know i was down for several months. i cried every day, i overslept, i didn`t do any works. i felt like it was my fault i blamed me every day. then i tried online counseling, not a professional it’s more like a conversation. after those email conversations i felts little bit well. i learned to live with the grief. but the thing is for the past year most of the time i think about my loved one’s death. i cry after those thoughts, sometimes i cannot sleep. also, i always sleep after 3 a.m. i don’t know why but no matter what i can`t fall asleep before that time. also, whenever i heard about someone death because of suicide i don’t know i feel heaviness in my heart. i search a lot about those peoples like how they died and so on. i just feels the pain even though they are strangers.
Hi. Since past this month, I’ve been getting some really bad anxieties of my parents dying (specially my mom) and it haunts me to death.
Lately my mom’s health has started to deteriorate and we can’t really figure out the main cause. Because of this, I’ve started to believe that she’s suffering from a severe disease.
At day I’m all fine, but in the night I suddenly start panicking, making scenarios of my mom’s death. I heavily relate to your point that I’m really dependant on my mom. People don’t really talk to me as I’m a boring person (my social life is on the verge of collapsing haha). The only people who makes me feel special are my family.
Especially my mom’s the only one who understands me. Losing her means I lose a part of me.
The worst part is I don’t know how I’m going to cope up if she somehow, died. There are times when I think I would kill myself if something like happens and honestly, that terrifies me.
Reading your article made me to understand myself better
Hi, I am 28 yr old… its been a year and half since i lost my grandfather. He was really dear to me.. Rather the one i love the most.. that was the first time i had experienced the loss of someone so close to me.. Experience human loss had never been an easy experience for me.. In past i did lost both my paternal grandparents. Although i wasn’t close to them, it did left an impact on my find and heart for quite a long time.. But loosing my maternal grandfather had left me to utter shock.. i haven’t been able to recover from the loss… Since then i am really scared of loosing any other loved one.. I do get this feeling of loosing someone near and dear every now and then and that leaves me into anxiety. I don’t know how to get over this… but this has been a worst experience… When things are going smooth suddenly a thought pass by my head that please god don’t take away any of my other family member. Every time i hear anyone’s sudden demise I really get into fear of what if the same thing happens to my loved ones any day… I am scared that what if someday i wake up and i hear some bad news or i don’t see my mom or my brother or my dad… I do check if they are okay in the morning.. That’s been my first thing in the morning…. I hate being so scared… i hate being like this… Recently, I have been getting the flash backs of the last moments of my Grandpa as well.. I know i may sound like a psycho but i am just too scared of loosing any one else… i know i have always been scared of death.. but this has been way too long now.. and i don’t how to get over this.. I do miss my grandpa..and i want to just cherish the happy moments with him and not his last rites.. That had been the worst time of my life..but i have some great memories with him… he’s my hero… and will always be.. whenever i dream of him its always about his last moment.. i want to dream about our happy moments together as well…
I’m 14 but i have been dealing with anxiety about death since i was extremely young. Even when i was as young as 5 I remember crying in my bed because i was scared my grandpa who was in his 80s was going to die and that whenever my dad went to the store for a little too long he was leaving me or when we were on vacation and i lost my parents in the store they were abandoning me because they didn’t like me. Anyways when I was about 10 my grandpa actually did die from a stroke. In a way, I was relieved but I was crying and crying for so long. I am even closer with my other grandparents and they are approaching the age that my other grandpa died at. I am terrified that they will die too and change everything about my whole life. I am aware they probably won’t be alive by the time i graduate college, but it feels like time is just moving by so quickly that their death could just happen in a few years but it would feel like a few weeks. I woke up at 3:30 am and it’s now 4:30 please help me
Hello.
I am just turning 13 this year and basically only have my mom, my sister, and my dog. My grandparents both died in their 60s and 70s while my Dad died while I was 6. I am mainly worried of my mom. I keep having images of her funeral and seeing her being old and in her deathbed (hospital bed) with or without me l. I cannot bear to see her suffer. I have a therapist yet even therapy can’t seem to help. My school counselor had to speak with me since I splurged out on my science teacher with all my drama since she was teaching anxiety coping skills. I feel anxious when I am having a good time, I feel gloomy whenever my mom tries to cheer me up.. I just feel like I’m in an endless hole of grief.
PS. My mom is 47 and I am 12 so I keep doing math for some reason (example: “when I’m 50 she will be 85.. at this point she might not live to see me at 60..”
I’m 23, one year ago I lost my boyfriend to Suicide. And ever since that incident I am very paranoid about things like death and grief. Since I was a child I’ve always had this fear of losing my parents to death, I also worry about my sister. So basically 3 persons whom I care the most in my life. My life revolves around them and I’m nothing without them. I agree the writing about having a codependent relationship, I think this is very accurate in case me. My family’s mood and situations heavily affects mine. And as the first child I always think that it’s my responsibility to make things better whenever they go wrong. It’s not that I’m complaining but sometimes I feel so scared thinking about that if someday my parents are with me what am I gonna do? How will I manage stuffs? will I able to take the pain, will I able to do everything after they leave? or should I just kill myself too then. Stuffs like these exhaust me. And I do remind that I’m just assuming a future and I still got my present but that’s not enough for me to call down. I still worry. I’m trying to get a job currently, I have plans to enjoy life with my family but what if one day I wake up and see they’re not with me what do I do then? my plans will come to an end, and eventually my life too.
And all these makes me suffer in my present. What do I do. I think there’s a big pain and suffering waiting for me in the future which has started hurting me from now itself.
Hi
My concern is that I have these repetitive patterns of thousands of thoughts which keeps stuck in my head about my father. I love him so much and I just can’t stop thinking what if something happens to him and all the stupid possibility I can’t help it and because of this I am not able to concentrate on other things sometimes. Please help
Hi. I (21F) was 11 years old when i lost my father suddenly and even though i believed i had dealt with the situation relatively well, ever since that day i have developed a lot of anxiety around death, especially with my mom. But it didn’t consume my life until 3 years ago, when my boyfriend of now 5 years when to college 3 hours away and his childhood friend died of a cardiac arrest at 19 years old. Since then i live in constant fear, needing regular contact with my boyfriend to make sure he is alright. Well, just 5 days ago, my boyfriend’s dad passed away also unexpectedly. I feel so out of control of my life and his life, seeing that i can never truly feel safe and at peace, knowing i can lose him and my loved ones at any moment. All this death just keeps proving my anxiety right and making me spiral. I feel directionless, and i now life goes on and i know that, after finding happiness after losing my father, that me and my boyfriend can find it again, but all i can think about is how nothing feels worth it unless he, my brother and my mother are apart of my life, and that i can’t deal with another loss in my life.
I have read most of the comments and can’t help, i wanted to ask help. I have been experiencing this fear of losing my mother for a while and I just can’t find any solutions to make myself better. My mother is healthy but I keep worrying. The only way I can calm myself down or make myself less worried is thinking about taking my life if my mom pass away. I can’t bear the thought of losing her. She’s apart of me, she’s most of me and I know I shouldn’t be like this but I don’t know. I keep wishing I died first. The same goes for my cats. I can’t see myself being alive if my mom or one of my cats pass away. I want to leave first. I don’t live with my father so the only family members are my mom, my cats and me. I think I need help and I haven’t opened up about this to anyone.
Hi I am Doreen,a 24year old nurse,I have had so many death incidences of patients and I think it’s over my mind.
I am currently pregnant but I always picture my fiance dead in accident ,it’s really ea6ing up my mind.I hate watching movies that obtaindeath content bcs they elevat my fear and I sometimes end up controlling my fiance of where to go and not go.Please look up on me. Thank you for you service.
It’s odd you don’t mention any spirituality. How can you ignore that..certainly cannot claim to be holistic without it. You let down your readers by ignoring it..and the reality of what people are actually going through. Mindfulness only gets you so far. You’ve really provided a shallow version of assistance.