Always Feeling Let Down By Others? This Could Be Why
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
May 16, 2022
By: Karen
by Andrea M. Darcy
Always feeling let down by others? Perhaps you explain it as ‘bad luck’ or ‘being too nice’.
But if being let down is something that keeps happening in your life, then the common denominator is you.
Why You Are Always Feeling Let Down By Others
What behaviour might you unknowingly be playing out that actually creates a life where everyone lets you down? And how can you break the pattern?
1. You don’t set boundaries.
Personal boundaries are just what they sound – letting others know what is and is not acceptable for you, and what you are and are not willing to do.
If you do not set boundaries then you over give time and energy not because you want to, but because you do not know how to say no. If the other person has no problem with boundaries and doesn’t give back as much as you over gave, the end result is feeling letdown and used.
Read our articles on “How to Say No” and “How to set “Boundaries.” How different would life feel if you kept more of your time and energy for yourself?
2. You have misunderstood what giving is.
By: karen lao
Is your idea of giving that whatever you put out, you should receive in equal measure? You’ve actually mistaken giving with a business transaction.
What if giving meant that you only give your time and energy when/if it feels good, and that you do so with absolutely no strings attached? What if you stopped giving at all until you felt that you could give from such a space?
3. You are blinded by expectations.
High expectations are one of the key killers of healthy and connected relationships. They leave us in an endless loop of feeling let down.
When we expect things of others, we fail to be open to who they really are. And in our drive to get what we want, we fail to see the things they really have to offer. It’s not that they give us nothing, it’s that we are asking them to give what they simply can’t.
Think of one person you are having difficulties with. Write a list of all the things you expect from him or her. Are these things fair? What would it feel like to just rip up that list and drop all expectations?
4. You are actually being controlling.
By: Alex Bellink
Sometimes the hard truth about why you feel let down is that you didn’t get to do things your way.
You simply can’t fully control other people or even life.
Take a moment to think about the person who has let you down. When is the last time you discussed his or her wants and needs in the relationship?
5. You are codependent.
On the surface, codependency looks like a person who is over giving, too nice, and always wanting to make other people and partners happy.
But beneath that is the pattern, “I help you and do everything for you and then you have to make me feel good in return’.
It’s a lot to ask of someone else, and the end result is often feeling let down.
Look at how much of your self-esteem comes from your relationships. What are three things you could start doing to feel self-esteem in a way that is instead sourced from within?
6. You are stuck in the victim mentality.
By: Kevin Dooley
Here’s a fact about over giving, being ‘too nice’, never saying no…. then always feeling let down.
You are choosing to do all of it. Nobody is making you do so. Except, perhaps, your own feelings of guilt.
So you are not actually a victim, you are just choosing to be.
What three things would you have to give up if you decided to stop acting like a victim (other people’s sympathy and attention, always having a good story to tell, etc). And what three things might you then stand to gain?
7. You are projecting.
Being let down is often a form of psychological projection, where we take a trait that is within us and attribute it to another.
Is it possible that in your over giving, you sometimes over extend and let others down? Cancel at the last minute? Forget to call? Do a half-hearted job of things?
And often we are constantly letting ourselves down, by refusing to listen to our real desires or take time to ourselves.
Think carefully over the last month. Can you find three ways, no matter how small, you could be perceived as letting people down? And can you find three moments you let yourself down by saying yes when you meant no, by not practicing self-care, or by not standing up for yourself?
8. You are in a pattern of choosing unhealthy relationships.
If you constantly align yourself with toxic friends and partners who are evidently selfish or emotionally unavailable, then you will always feel let down.
A pattern of choosing this sort of relationship will come from childhood programming. It might be that you are ‘dating a parent’, or that childhood trauma left you with certain core beliefs that are controlling your choices.
Look back at your last few relationships or friendships. Did they begin the same way? Have the same dramas? The same power dynamics? Do either relate to a pattern you might have had with a parent growing up?
9. You need proper, healthy support.
Sometimes we always feel let down as we don’t have support and are seeking it from people who can’t give it. Or we have no idea how to even accept support.
Do you actually know how to accept the help and assistance of others? Or do you often push away opportunities and offers?
Is it time to seek real support to break your pattern of feeling let down?
If you find that your endless sense of feeling let down is making your life difficult, or you suspect it comes from a childhood experience, then it might be time to seek proper support.
A counsellor or therapist creates a safe, unbiased, and nonjudgmental environment for you to understand your feeling of always being let down by others.
Would you like to try a session with a therapist and work on your tendency to always feel let down by others? Harley Therapy connects you to London-based therapists as well as online therapists working right across the UK.
Have a question still about why you are always feeling let down by others? Post in our public comment box below.
Andrea M. Darcy is the commissioning editor and lead writer of this site. She left a career in film to chase her dream of working in personal development and never looked back. Find her @am_darcy.
Well this article just confirmed that I did the right thing ending the friendship with Dominic as he did let me down a lot I’ve got my own ideas of what a friendship should and shouldn’t be he was kinda being selfish he put his girlfriend first all the time not just sometimes but all the time and that’s a big no no I read on another website and I guess that could count as selfish very selfish actually and he wasn’t there for me in person except maybe twice within the last year and a half that’s not a lot so recently I have had thoughts of being his friend again but now that I know what he was really doing I’m thinking I’m probably not going to at least not until he makes time for his friends not just through text messages
Hi Lauren, we can’t really give any more advice on this than what we already have. These situations are rarely so simple. For example we often don’t see our own behaviours. It’s never all someone else’s fault because we make decisions too. Perhaps we are overwhelming someone with our demands, for example, without meaning to. This aside, any situation that we are obsessively thinking about non stop is serious, it means we need some support. Usually, as we said, it’s nothing to do with that situation but a symptom of a bigger stress and emotional upset that desperately needs our attention.
I hardly see making time for friends as a demand it’s just a good friend trait it’s what people do so this time I think he and his girlfriend are both to blame that’s why I was never friends with his girlfriend in the first place and I’m not friends with him anymore either I don’t plan on being his friend anymore I basically told him that until he can do what I’m asking him to do to not contact me or talk to me anymore I’ve got nothing to say to him after his behavior maybe my boundaries are too strong for him that he feels threatened but this problem is his and his alone I’m going to refer him to this website for evaluation that way you guys can seem for yourself what I went through with this guy he’s some sort of narcissistic guy I simply shut him down so he couldn’t do it anymore at least not to me maybe he’s still doing it to someone else I’m only hoping that if he is they will be smart enough to know when to cut him off like I did I’m not going back to being his friend if that’s what you’re trying to tell me to do I’m not going to do that so please don’t force any ideas on me that’s not what this place is for
I hardly think I was overwhelming him with his underwhelming schedule he spent all his time with his girlfriend that’s why I ended the friendship I don’t want a friend who would do that his friendship just wasn’t good enough for me I’ve got other friends that are better than him anyway I don’t even miss him not in the least at first I did but then I remembered what he did that he’s changed and I don’t miss him anymore I miss who he was not who he is now there’s nothing good about who he is now
Hi Lauren, we appreciate you commenting and reading our articles. But we can’t fix this problem for you over a comment box. Indeed the only person who can fix this is you but we fully believe you have the strength and courage to do that. We can only again strongly suggest you make that step of reaching out and booking a therapist either in your area or by online. Or use a mental health line where someone can talk to you in person and give you the support you deserve. We wish you courage!
Hi Lauren, we have never told you what to do. We are actually an information site, not a help line, and we are not here to tell anyone how to lead their life. that is up to YOU. The only thing we can do is again repeat that there is support out there. There are great free help lines and there is low cost therapy. We have sent you the links. You are worth more support than we can provide here, we do hope you reach out and find it. All the best.
I strongly feel let down by many important people around me both family and friends as well as in past a current relationships… I understand that I may be expecting more that they are capable of giving. I’ve had traumatic experiences both growing up and currently. I tell myself not to let things bother me, but it usually ends up happening any way. I know the cycle of selfish relationships and people need to change, but most of the relationships are with core family and I can’t just block them out of my life. But how do I go on this way?
It’s hard when our families do nothing but let us down.As you imply, we can’t change our families. But we do have control over how much we are choosing to give them responsibility for. What would happen in your life if you decided to expect absolutely nothing from your family? How would that feel? How could you start to take responsibility for finding those things you expected from them elsewhere, including from your own self? For example, if you expect them to be trustworthy, how much can you rely on your own self? If you expect them to care about you, how much do you actually care about your own self? As for the relationships you know ‘need’ to change, knowledge an the capacity to do something are two different things. If we have a traumatic past we are often paralyzed by patterned behaviour drive by unconscious beliefs. We need support to make a change, we can’t get there ourselves. We would actually highly recommend therapy in this case. A therapist helps you see the ‘woods for the trees’, so to speak. You will identify the beliefs holding you back and have someone holding you accountable for starting to make better decisions for yourself. Finally, acceptance is an interesting concept to look into. It’s powerful stuff, so much so there are now forms of therapy like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) that have it as a focus. We wish you courage.
I do what I want & I don’t tell anyone this works for me as then no one can say anything to put u off after all I know what I can & can’t do & I support others not rule them
I go by what they don’t know won’t hurt them
if it’s not hurting anyone mentally or physically it’s ok
Hi there, we could be wrong, but what we are sensing here is loneliness. That’s a tough thing to deal with for all of us. And sometimes we deal with it by pushing people away as that feels best to us in the moment. But then we end up even more lonely. Secrets are a way to stop intimacy and keep people away. And they can hurt ourselves, as we are isolated by our secrets. If others find out they can feel sad they were excluded, which can be hurtful. Something to think about…
Hi, I have always had unreliable friends. They always make excuses and cancel on me time after time. Or are late every time like over an hour. I’m just fed up of it. Unreliable people really piss me off. I get really frustrated with this behaviour it makes me disappointed and angry why it happens to me. I decided I dont want to waste my time with these people anymore I dont want them in my life. But now I have no one. No geinune true friends or a boyfriend. It makes it really hard. I am ashamed i cant seem to make friends like normal people do now being in my 30s and single feeling this way sucks. I can be quite quiet and a bit introverted. I feel it hinders me. I’m left with feeling and being alone . I need help. So how do i go about making new friends who are reliable ?
Hi Sophie, you sound, most of all, really angry. And like you trust nobody. These sorts of emotions can lead to us isolating ourselves from others as we feel ashamed and don’t want others to see our upset. But we shouldn’t feel ashamed, as these kinds of strong emotions – fury, fear of trusting – come from past childhood experiences that overwhelmed us and that then affect our ability to connect to others. Because these difficult experiences also mean we end up with such low self-esteem, we then actually choose friends who let us down, in order to ‘prove’ that we are not loveable and don’t deserve good things. Or our hidden rage is actually more visible to others than we realise, and attracts only certain types of people. So we’d suggest to take the focus off other people being reliable and start looking inward. In fact, are you able to trust yourself? Often, when we endlessly choose friends we can’t trust, it’s also as we don’t trust our own thoughts and feelings, our very selves. In summary, we’d highly suggest you reach out for support. A counsellor or therapist will create a safe space for you to vent this rage and look at your trust and esteem issues. Otherwise read our article on how to find friends you actually like https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/how-to-find-friends.htm
Recently I had an accident which led to me being hospitalised for 3 days and in plaster for 6 weeks, then in a leg brace for a further 6 weeks, and unable to drive for 3 of those weeks. In the 9 weeks of immobility I had 2 visitors, one of which was my mum, and hardly any phone calls, texts, messages of support etc. Hardly any of my “friends” and family live more than 2 hours drive away, and my mindset now is that if they can’t be bothered when I am basically immobile, do I need people like this around me? Similarly with my personal trainer who I have had for 11 years, and who sold herself to me as being my cheerleader and general support. In 12 weeks I had 2 messages and she basically said she didn’t have time to start me on my rehabilitation journey before I could drive by driving the 30 minutes from her location to mine to get me moving again. Overall I feel extremely let down and like I can’t be bothered with these people who, other than a Facebook “like/happy face/sad face” in response to my status updates couldn’t be bothered to help me. Am I wrong?
Hi Jamie, we aren’t here to tell you if you are wrong or right as we can’t base that on a one-sided comment. But we would imagine that this is probably more deep-rooted than your accident. Accidents and life changes can often serve to shine a spotlight on issues that we hadn’t noticed. If your friendships and relationships were healthy and strong to start with, then your friends would have visited. And this feeling of let down you are describing sounds really big, would we be wrong to suggest this is not the first time you’ve felt it? In summary, we are sorry you feel so betrayed, and it does not sound fun. But we also think that you can’t control or change those other people but you can change you. We’d highly suggest some therapy to explore how you got to this place where you don’t have strong connected relationships and what you can do about it. You might also find our article on injuries and moods interesting https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/injury-and-depression.htm. Good luck!
A few years ago I moved to my birth place for a year (Iran) . And the one thing I wasn’t feeling was loneliness and lack of support . I believe the western culture emphasizes so much on independence and fear of people hurting us that we create a bubble around us and focus on making money and looking good .
Once we realize making money and looking good can’t fill up the void we seek out to people around us to make us feel better but unfortunately the bond is not there . As for other cultures outside the western world it’s all about family and friends. I hope that people start to wake up to this reality we have created and make a big change. I hope everyone finds peace and love within themselves and with each other .
Hi Soly, well said, and true. Western/Americanised culture is so focused on the cult of the individual we allow family life and community life to be fractured and irrelevant, and we are now seeing the price in the form of mass depression, anxiety, and loneliness.
People are very inconsistent and flaky. They’ll say a lot and never follow through which has been most frustrating for me. Upon telling people about my business, several said they would love to buy stuff from my website and never followed through. This was in the past 2 months. It still hurts, especially considering my business has made no money yet after being open for 3 months. (I wasn’t expecting a lot in 3 months, but I thought I would have at the very least, 1 sale by now, especially since I did tons of research and marketed and optimized SEO as best I could.)
What is also annoying is that none of my friends ever call me and rarely text me first, even though I call them a good bit. They’re good people, and I enjoy being with them, but it gets annoying always calling first. I’d say I call them probably once every 6-8 weeks. It shouldn’t take this long for people to realize that maybe they should return the favors. Also, the few times they do text me, I always end the conversation asking them when I can call them. I would think by now they would get the hint that I don’t really like texting, and they should just call me or just text me asking when they can call.
I also get the hunch that they might call their other friends, who probably call them less than I do (this is speculation). People just don’t pay attention, they’re so clueless, and it’s so annoying.
Hi Anonymous, this is a lot of frustration and loneliness you are going through and we are sorry about that. And it seems to rise from a very strong way of seeing others and the world which is actually, based on this comment, not typical. You are assuming other people understand what you think and want. But imagine for a moment, that you think differently than other people, have you considered that they have no idea what you think and want if you don’t tell them? As their brains don’t work like yours? People can’t read minds so we do have to be clear with what we think and feel. It could be helpful to talk to a professional about this. A therapist could help you understand others better and to look at your expectations and whether they are helping you. They could also rule out any forms of personality difference like Asperger’s or a personality disorder, if by any chance you have, since a teen, see the world and people in a markedly different way than others that causes you to suffer on a daily basis. Getting help on all this can mean you stop wasting all your energy getting upset that people don’t act or think like you do. Best, Harley Therapy.
“Look back at your last few relationships or friendships.”
I would… but the only friendship I have is a friend I have since first day of high school from 12 years ago. Never managed to make another good friend otherwise, let alone find a relationship…
Hi there, and do you want to? We notice you chose the user name ‘Loner’. It can be a comfort zone to be alone. Relationships can be hard and require a lot of courage. But the first step is to be willing to let go our identity of ‘never needing anyone’.
M always feeling ashamed sitting with crowd nd I find it soo difficult to make friends.Pls is der any way u can help me?
Hi Martha, we’d advise you talk to a counsellor about this. It sounds a deep issue an not something we can help you with over the internet, you’d need to commit to spending time understanding the roots of your issues.
Very good article. I’ve fallen into a few of these traps myself in the past. But as I age I’ve also learnt something else: People will always let you down. Even your most trustworthy friend, who you have the best relationship with. Why? Because they’re human & life happens. Sometimes it will be you who lets others down. No one is perfect, nor can we predict the future. Accept this as you accept people into your life.
Yes Sam, if we grow up with parents who let us down all the time we can end up adults with very unrealistic expectations of others which mean we can end up with no real relationships at all. And what also needs to be mentioned is letting down OURSELVES. Often this is the root of the problem. We don’t trust our very selves but then expect others to be impeccable. Thanks for the share.
Thanks, a really helpful article. It really helped me comb through all my different feelings about a recent “letdown” – the mix of feeling angry at people for what I thought they should have done and feeling angry at myself for not making my own needs clearer. Hopefully I can move on now and find a better way forward!
Glad to be of help!
I grew up with emotionally abusive parents and was bullied by my siblings. Being the youngest I never got to choose or decide anything, but was always made to follow what others had chosen. Took me a long time to realise I had taken that blind following into adulthood and once I did I realised it was the reason I always felt left out of things – didn’t realise I had to fight for / vocalise what I wanted – strange but true! Having abusive parents meant I grew up being a people pleaser and always felt deserted when people never saw the problems I was having even though I thought it was obvious how much I was hurting – elegiac when I told people! I was effectively ‘trained’ as a child to see others’ needs and put them first, and so I’ve often struggled with why those close to me seem oblivious to my needs and wants when theirs are so glaringly obvious. But now I see I operate on a different wavelength to most and so I live with the knowledge that I see what a lot don’t / won’t. But now the great thing is that I know I don’t have to help people if I don’t want to, even if they’re suffering and I can do something to help. Not every problem is mine to solve and people can only learn life lessons if they work through their own problems.
I do believe that there has to be reciprocity in friendships though, otherwise the dynamic is uneven and one sided which honestly couldnt ever be considered a healthy state of affairs. They’re has to be yin-yang. I don’t feel it is unreasonable to expect support from those whom you’ve supported in the past, especially when you’ve been asked to help. But in today’s society narcissism is rife and people tend to think of themselves first rather than helping those in more obvious need, even when it’s clear they can cope better than the person in need.
And I say all this because one person’s decisions absolutely decimated my life and the repercussions have lasted 5 years plus. Within the first 2 years I lost pretty much all of my friends because they felt I was too much a reminder of something really sinister – I was ‘infected’ somehow. I’ve lost everything in my life… People… Home…. Job…. Everything, and none of those I’ve supported have been even a tenth as capable as I have been during the whole thing. They’ve been weak, selfish and biased and treated me in a way I didn’t deserve.
I take faith that what goes around comes around. I have faith in yin and yang. I don’t have high expectations or unrealistic ones because I know that you can only withdraw as much cash from your bank account as you’ve deposited unless you have agreed an overdraft and for me too many people have just kept withdrawing and never bothered to top up the balance. So now my ‘no’ comes with a reminder the friendship bank is overdrawn and people don’t like it. They try to guilt trip me but I don’t care. They are not the people for me.
The older I get the more I realise the only relationship I need to focus on is the one with myself. Nobody will ever be there for me, defend me, support me. The last 5 years have shown me that. I’ve seen 2 therapists who added nothing of value other than hand me tissues and suggest CBT!
Hi Christina, we are glad to hear that you have learned so much about yourself and how to best operate in the world in a way you feel works for you. Yet on the other hand, your message does come across as defensive and also lonely. The one thing we’d say that with older relationships that already started where you were the overgiver and they were the taker, it’s hard to change that pattern. If you then suddenly expect them to become givers, you are changing the steps of a ‘dance’ that they didn’t sign up for. So it might be less narcissism than just plain old setting a strong pattern. So it becomes about looking at how you begin relationships. Do you over give off the top so that people like you? Do you need to slow down when starting new friendships? Also, we think you’d enjoy reading the book ‘The Drama of Being a Child” by Alice Miller. As for therapists adding nothing of value, therapists are just people. They do not have a magic wand and are not there to fix things, they are they to ask good questions to help you fix things yourself. And for that to happen there needs to be a trusting relationship and you need to commit long term. It’s not a fast fix. Because you have such strong trust issues you’ll have to accept that at first you won’t like ANY therapist and would have to give it time. So look for one you think you could grow to trust, that you at least think seems ok, and work from there. If you feel it’s useless and they aren’t listening then you have to tell them that and talk it through, not hide it. Remember, as you said, you have to speak up! Talking through these kind of feelings of annoyance and letdown in therapy, which if you look at it carefully can be your childhood patterns repeating, can lead to huge steps forward. All the best.
Well, where to start…Growing up, my mom had mental problems that I really shouldn’t go into too much detail. We’ll just say that my childhood was very difficult. Difficult meaning that I had to “walk on egg shells” to not spark it another problem. Fast forwarding a bit, I met my husband at the age of 20. We married 3 years later. I had a very difficult time getting pregnant. We had to get fertility treatments. My husband and now father to my two children always enjoyed drinking. I also would drink on occasion. After my then 14 year old son was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis things seemed to go down hill. He was hospitalized twice and since been on a biological medicine with scary possible side effects. My mother has always been apart of my life and has definitely given me heart break. When my son was born she had one of her “problems” and told me he wasn’t my son, that he was switched with another boy since his ankle bracket fell off. Needless to say I didn’t have a mother around to help me with my first born. And when he was diagnosed with UC, now she keeps telling me he’ll get cancer. Now to the other side of my stress, I find out that my husband is an alcoholic and has been turning up and chugging a liquor bottle when I would go to bed every night. Back in July 2018, I finally gave him an ultimatum. Either he quits or I’m gone. That was one of the worst days of my life. I since found out that he was also abusing pain killers with liquor. He lost a lot of weight l and hell, I gained weight from all the stress. Over the last year, my husband has stopped working and has become very depressed. I’ve begged him to look for another job since he wants to close down his business. He sees it as a stresser that he can’t handle anymore. I’m the only one working. The thought of not having medical insurance scares me to my core. This happened at the beginning of my son’s diagnosis. My husband allowed the insurance to lapse because how high our premium was. After my son’s 2 hospital stays (3days & 5 days), our bills have been unbearable. Debt has reached an all time high. I found a job that has the best health insurance coverage and I’m content knowing I’m prepared. Fast-forwarding to present, my husband still doesn’t have a job. I found a job online and asked that he apply for it. He went on an interview last week, but we haven’t heard anything back yet. As for my son, he’s a typical 18 year old. Loves to go out with his friends and party. I haven’t put a lot of rules in place for him since he’s 18. I just really wanted him to live at home, get an education, and find a career with a good medical plan. Now my son just graduated from high school and started the university in town. He rushed for a fraternity a little over a week ago and seemed to be very happy. Well, two says ago he missed class and when I got home to discuss why he’s now missed “2 days” of class, he tells me he want to withdrawal from college. Oh, my god! My heart sunk! I tried every thing to convince him why he should stay and give it a real try. He told me he was going to think about it. He’s only been enrolled for 4 weeks. He told me he wants to work full time for the landscaping company he worked for over the summer. My heart hurts knowing they have no medical plan to offer him. He has UC and is about to go on another treatment of Humira, will need colonoscopies every few years, and lots of de’s appts. When I got home from work yesterday, my son told me he withdrew! His dad told him that he’s 18 and can do what he wants. I know that is true, but where was the father figure to guide him to think things over and not rush a life altering decision. Today I just typed up a contract for my son with the agreement to pay $300 rent, $100 groceries, and to take on his own truck insurance. Also, we took his debt card that we frequently put money on for gas, fast food, and misc. We also will take him off our Verizon account and let him start his own contract to be responsible and make his on payments. I have always done all the laundry for my family, but another condition is that he does his own. He hasn’t gotten home yet to discuss the contract. How I see it, if he wants to start being an adult then mommy shouldn’t pay all of his bills anymore. I hope this helps him realize how difficult life really is. Back to my mom, she still harassed me about my son developing cancer. I don’t know how much more I can take!!!!!! I know everyone has their problems and I’m not suggesting that mine are bigger, but my heart stays broken.
Jan, sorry to hear you are having all these challenges. It does sound like a lot to deal with . But it also sounds, to be honest, like anxiety. Anxiety means our mind is stuck on fearful thoughts and always troubleshooting, looking to see what will go wrong, instead of seeing what is ever going right. It’s possible, given that you grew up with a mother with issues, that your son also having issues has triggered this anxiety. If you were open to speaking to a counsellor, we would recommend it. You might want to look into CBT therapy as a starting point. It’s short term, doesn’t focus on the past, but helps you feel less overwhelmed by worried thoughts.
It’s all true. We are responsible for our well-being. We strengthen thoughts that cause depression and block our functioning.
hi Tomi, sure, and yet we don’t do this on purpose, but because we are trying to cope. Most of us need support to see these patterns and change them.
Really great article, thank you! I recognized a lot of things I am doing wrong. I know it is on me, and yet sometimes I feel powerless to stop myself. Case in point just last week: my boyfriend has been away. He texted, and kept in touch when he could. But it felt like it was always ME reaching out to call him. He never called me. It culminated in me sending a text with a “special” message that means something only to us. He “ignored” it for over 5 hours. I was hurt and upset. I called him and told him calmly that I was feeling upset. Poor guy! It turns out there was a problem in the app we were using and the message never went through! He said quite rightly that of COURSE he would have responded if he’d received it. It pushed through in the end when I sent a test message. But my issue was not this situation – it was my reaction to it. I automatically go to the worst case scenario. He’s over me! He’s pulling away! He’s going to break up with me! What the WHAT??! I am the adult daughter of a major alcoholic who eventually drank himself to death, and a Pollyanna mother who refused to acknowledge our family had a major crisis going on and covered up everything, whilst nothing I did was ever good enough for her. So go figure I have some stuff to work on! This article is an excellent place to start. So thank you!
Hi Natalie, so glad it is helpful. And you sound really self-aware, which is great. That sounds like anxious attachment, or possibly abandonment issues, we have articles on both if you use the search bar. Anxious attachment comes from parenting where you only receive love and attention sporadically or when you ‘earn’ it by being, say, a ‘good’ child, as opposed to receiving constant unconditional love and safety as is ideal. These patterns of thinking and being are, as you point out, overwhelming, and can be hard to navigate and change alone. No matter how much we learn the information, the pattern is so strong we keep repeating it. If you have the courage and the budget, do consider working with a therapist, we think you’d really benefit. CBT therapy is a short term therapy that could help you gain the upper hand with anxious thinking, but then you might want to look into the types of therapy that help with trust and relating http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy. Good luck!
I’m reading the Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield. I just found out about control drama.
I was born missing fingers.
My father passed when I was 3. My mother is a good person but buried her grief of losing my dad with alcohol. My dad was ex-military so my mother received social security and didn’t have to work through most of my childhood. We moved alot due to her boredom. I learned to use my hands to gain sympathy which equaled acceptance which sometimes equaled friends. I also used my hands to get out of trouble and fights. It worked, but, now I see how it hurt me. I want to drop my poor me control drama. I want to stop feeling like a doormat. I want to stop guilting people into liking (accepting) me and I want to be my true self. Not sure what to do, but I was guided here. I live in California so a face to face is probably not possible. Lol
Hi Lee, sounds like a lot of great self awareness, so you are on your way now! But support is always useful. You can book one of our online counsellors from any country, by the way. Otherwise you might find someone you want to work with in America. A good counsellor or psychotherapist would definitely be able to help you move forward. You might want to look into transpersonal therapy if you want a spiritual side to things.
I feel let down sometimes and there is nonway around it. My internship, in entertainment, includes manifesting and marketing talent. And I can see talent and special qualities. But I’m sometimes working with apathetic minors whose parents are pushing the dream. More often I’m working with people who have a great expectation of fame and fortune, but put in minimal effort. How to not be let down, I don’t know. We are working towards a goal when the client is apathetic, uninterested, and I really have to motivate them just to get a song finished. My job isn’t a coach or motivater, but I have deadlines too. Its something about the current “kardashian” culture that expects great rewards for minimal effort. Meanwhile I need to prove myself as this is an internship, and I have my own challenges and disabilities as well.
Could it be that, again, it’s American/Western culture that prizes the “each man for himself” ideology? I’m 56 and when I was growing up, I found that we were encouraged to be kind and do things for others, not just to make us feel good but also because it was right. And because helping others bonds us to other people and makes them feel loved and cared for. It seems like today this is called “codependency” when it actually isn’t. Yes, there is such a thing as codependency but I feel today that it’s overused in many cases where it doesn’t apply. I really believe that people are becoming not just more isolated but more selfish as a society. Narcissists/narcissism is rampant. Over and over today you hear people say, “It’s not my problem”. Yes, I’ve always been a giver, perhaps too much so, but it’s because I like to make people feel happy and cared for. And also, I do like to have people in my life who feel the same about me. The problem is these types of people are increasingly hard to find. In a generation obsessed with getting “likes” on Facebook and Instagram, where people always have their heads down and buried in their phones or other technology, no one looks up or around to see what’s going on – to see if someone might be lonely or just in need of companionship or conversation. This isn’t just my opinion….try it for yourself next time you go grocery shopping, for example. Try seeing how many people make eye contact or smile back at you when you smile at them. It’s sad and also concerning. This was a great article but I think sometimes we’re missing the major societal/cultural changes taking place. My ex-husband had some decent qualities, but he was a workaholic obsessed with accumulating and investing money. He could never have enough. That’s not bad per se but his relationship advice to our daughter and son was simply, “Find someone who isn’t a financial burden”. Wow. So, I do keep giving and helping and serving (also because it’s my “love language”). And I do it because I like making people happy and it does also make me feel good. I’m just saying it’s very, very (did I say “very”!) difficult these days to find people with the same mind-set. Thanks for letting me make a comment!
Eva, sounds like your internship is teaching you more than you signed up for. You have very high expectations of others, which would be worth looking at (and have childhood roots). Setting expectations too high means we set everyone else up to disappoint us and end up depressed and lonely. We have articles on here about it, such as https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/setting-expectations.htm. If you intend to work in an industry where you are constantly relating to others the change has to come from you, because other people will sense your constant judgments and disappointments. And funnily enough, the more someone senses you are judging, the more apathetic they will be. Finally, you might just be frustrated and stressed and projecting it all onto this idea others are disappointing. Are you worried you are not living up to expectations yourself? Or is this internship not what you hoped for? Is it distressing to see that the world of work requires a lot more than you thought? Or that this industry is not what you thought? All worth looking at with self-compassion. Sometimes in life we work really hard for something only to learn it isn’t from us, and it’s not that we made a mistake, it’s just that we are learning.
Hi Anna. Here’s the thing. You seem angry. Quite angry, actually. You probably don’t even realise how angry you come across as to other people. So look. We understand that it’s important to you to see yourself as good and other people as not good, and that you might have built your identity around that. And that that is how you keep yourself safe, to think of yourself as this naturally good person and everyone else as failing you and failing your high standards of human goodness. But the problem with locking yourself up in the ‘good person’ tower leaves you lonely. And it’s also not, sorry to say, not the truth. Sure, we live in a society with social media that encourages narcissism. But people who lived in Germany right before WW2 broke out could also say they lived with narcissism. History is full of cycles of good and bad. And there are always all kinds of people inhabiting this earth at any time. And at this very time you also have people doing immense amounts of good. So no, it isn’t history. It’s your life, and if you are constantly feeling that everyone is terrible and unfriendly and horrible, the common denominator is you. Here’s the thing about being an over giver – it doesn’t just come out of nowhere. It inevitably comes from a childhood where we were not approved of just as we were. Where we had to hide parts of ourselves and be ‘good’ to receive love we deserved just as we were. We tend to grow up with repressed anger. And other people feel it. And it gives us a perspective of seeking out bad (because we actually choose what we notice and focus on based on our hidden beliefs). And it won’t attract happy friendly people, because yes, others sense your misery and hidden anger. In summary, your life is yours, your perspective is yours, if you want this to change you have to do the work. Or, you can stay the same, keep blaming it on the world and others, but we think you deserve better than that, personally. We’d also suggest you mull over this – what if you were perfectly acceptable, perfectly loveable, and perfectly okay even if you were sometimes mean and angry? If you didn’t have to be some ‘always good’ person to be liked? If, maybe, in the art of allowing yourself to be like the rest of us, you might find the respect and love you long for? Best, HT
Hello,
I’m 45 and since I was at college I’ve had friends who have let me down or stolen my boyfriends or been jealous of me. I never understood what I did wrong but I’ve spent my whole life trying to build friendships and having the same problems. I recognise that I eventually felt safer alone as an adult. I only had 2 childhood friends at my wedding and I am embarrassed that people see me as friendless. I was popular at college until things went wrong and I suppose I live my life by the motto trust nobody. It’s safe. I’m married with kids who I adore, I’m a teacher and have a lot, but none of it really matters.I am lonely and sad and angry and unfulfilled. I tried therapy a few years back when I had cancer. It didn’t help. I guess when I die I’ll find peace. Don’t see what else I can do. I think a lot of people are sad on the inside. A smile doesn’t mean you’re happy, right? Maybe no one is really what they appear.
Hi Ellie, we love your honesty. The funny thing about anger is other people sense it, no matter how much we claim we are not an angry person, and stay away. Also, if we are wary and distrustful, we don’t tend to attract happy trusting people but the sort of people who are going to put up with never being trusted and those types tend to be careless people who, yes, abuse our trust. So it’s not that you are a victim here, you are part of a pattern and without realising it are doing your part to recreate it again and again. You say therapy ‘didn’t work’. We agree, it often doesn’t the first round. People show up expecting a miracle and a perfect therapist. But therapy can be like dating. Therapists are people, and just like we don’t get on with all people, it can take a few tries to find a ‘fit’. On the other hand, you say you tried, how many sessions did you go to? As someone with massive trust issues who doesn’t like relationships, well, unfortunately, therapy is a relationship.So don’t expect to like or get along with any therapist right away. We recommend at least 4 sessions until deciding. As sometimes the therapist you hate in the first session ends up being the one you suddenly click with on session 4. And then the thing about therapy is sticking it out through the good and the bad – again, it’s a relationship. Finally, if you do gather the courage to seek another therapist, go prepared. Too many people treat therapists like hairdressers they just go mute and powerless. No! Ask tons of questions! You are essentially hiring them, not the other way around. We have guides to finding therapists that help http://bit.ly/findgoodtherapist and a lot of other articles on the subject, use the search bar and put in ‘therapist’. Like this one on not trusting therapists https://bit.ly/notrusttherapist. You might find a round of CBT a good place to start. It doesn’t delve into your past, it’s a short term therapy that looks at and troubleshoots your thinking patterns and how they are creating your moods and dictating the choices that keep you trapped in the same cycles. Best, HT
I find it touching how carefully and respectfully every single person has been replied to on this page, thank you HT team! I wondered whether you have any advice on how to get over a sense of having been let down in your childhood years? I thought I had, as this article suggests, managed to get to a place of ‘no expectations’ from my family but every time I see my father I bubble over almost immediately with vivid feelings of contempt for the ways I believe he failed me as a child. And when I don’t hear anything from my mother for months, even when I message her, and she never came to visit when I first had my children… well, I can’t quite find a way to answer that level of disappointment and hurt with the “no expectations” remedy. The feeling of let down is incredibly deep and overwhelming, I think because I can’t help but feel that the ways in which I expect them to behave now and should have behaved in the past are such basic levels of parenting, nothing extraordinary. Anyway, a few small pointers would be great and probably therapy would be a good way forward too.
Hi Nina, first of all this is wonderful self honesty. If you did decide to go the therapy route, as you are already this honest with how you really feel you might find it becomes quickly a very useful experience. As for expectations, family can certainly break any of us down until we feel like furious teenagers again, and render some techniques useless! Perhaps here it’s more about just accepting all the turmoil of emotions and thoughts that come instead of judging ourselves for them. So it becomes about lowering our expectations of ourselves! Not expecting ourselves to be calm or adult at all. Just letting it be okay that we feel furious and letdown. Having parents who did’t really parent, who never left us feeling unconditionally loved and accepted or cared for, leaves us adults with attachment issues. There are all sorts of tools that can help. Gestalt-based ones for example, such as writing a letter to the parent as they were then, or even writing it as the child you were to the adult they were. Or using free-form writing, promising yourself to rip up the pages after so your unconscious mind feels free, then letting yourself write out every so called ‘terrible’ thought and feeling and fantasy you have about the situation. Or using the Gestalt “chair technique’ (give it a Google). The point of such exercises is to help our anger and upset come out in ways that aren’t limited by who we or they are now, but also aren’t damaging to who we and they are now, if that makes sense. Note that sometimes we need to take a break from family to fully be ourselves and heal – and that’s okay, too. Finally, you might find the book “The Drama of Being a Child” by Alice Miller a moving read. Best, HT.
Hi
I’ve just read your article and it really touched me. I’m 61 and have always had trust issues because i experienced emotional, sexual and physical abuse in childhood. There isn’t anyone i have really bonded with or have a strong relationship with. That includes my son who i had at 17. I never bonded with him and could never understand why. Recently, i realised that i was suffering from post natal depression. Our relationship is very awkward because I have been selfishly “protecting” myself from his very emotional outbursts and passive aggressive behaviour. I know he’s very angry and hurt by my lack of emotional support in the past. I am trying to change things, it’s a slow process. My way of operating in the world has been to keep others at a distance, so i’ve only got one friend, and even in that relationship i keep my distance because her feisty, forceful nature scares me. I don’t understand why she even wants to be friends with me as i feel boring. I’ve had several failed relationships with men. Now I live alone and am unemployed. Because of COVID-19 and social distancing, I hardly see or speak to anyone and sometimes the loneliness is overwhelming. I’m struggling to change things for myself. I know I have contributed to my experiences by not being aware of what was going on internally. i so want to change my life, to laugh to have good friends and satisfying relationships. The prospect of opening up myself to others is daunting
Hi Patricia, it certainly can be daunting. When we take the risk of trusting others, we also risk being rejected, for example. But as you are aware, the prospect of not opening ourselves up can also be daunting. We navigate life alone, feeling disconnected, aware that we are not living up to our potential. If we can accept there will be setbacks and emotional pain, we can then step forward despite it. We want to say that you should be really proud of yourself for all this great self realisation, and for the bravery of working to connect with your son and maintaining that friendship. Now is there any bravery left you could gather up and use to book some counselling with? We don’t say that as we are a counselling company, but because we really feel it could make a difference. You are at the precipice, ready to take the step towards personal change, and it’s a powerful moment. Therapy could help you move forward much faster. You are unemployed. This means you could either talk to your GP (assuming you are in the UK) or you could find free to low cost counselling using our guide as inspiration http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Be brave, it can be a bit like dating, you might not click with the first therapist, as therapy is a relationship. Give any therapist 4 sessions before deciding if it’s a click. After all, if relationships aren’t your thing, it might feel awkward at first. We have many articles on our site on what to expect from therapy, and what to ask in a first session, give them a read, you can find them with the search bar. It’s exciting that you want to make changes, and hopeful, and we really cross our fingers for you. Best, HT.
I have friends but no social life whatsoever. I am not married and have no children at at 47 that’s not going to happen. So I’m alone all the time unless I’m working. The last relationship I had I ended as he gave me an sti as a result of cheating and his weed dependency meant I felt alone. A year and a half later he chose to contact me with a Valentine’s message. Then again during lockdown. He asked how I was and I was stupid enough to believe he cared. He then reminisced about our intimate life and send me a suggestive photo asking me to send one back (which I never did). Yet whenever I called him, he never answered. Turns out he’s in a relationship! I don’t think it is having high expectations that someone might be supportive during lockdown, especially when he was down a lot and I offered support. And in the last call he said I am too sensible and always do the right thing and it sounds as though those qualities are deemed as bad choices that a lot of us seem to be making, that it’s wrong to be nice, forgiving and expecting some kindness or even basic humanity from others. I always talk to people when I go out, I’ve joined loads of groups etc, it is not as though i am not making an effort. Also, I am aware that I put up with a lot from him because I was lonely and now I wish I had just put up with him as loneliness sucks. Despite his actions, he is with someone. He may have been texting me and behaving inappropriate but he has someone to hold him and to hold. He even told me, in the last conversation, that the way I am so friendly with neighbours made him feel uncomfortable as did me owning my own house and working hard. He cheated, lied, gave me an sti but I’m the one who is alone. My mum only calls when she wants something and all of this is choice? The times I do go out, i don’t meet people. I work with children so meeting someone at work is unlikely. I think the person he is with he met through work or weed acquisition. The point is, I don’t choose to be lonely. My doctor said she would call today and last week after my almost having what I thought was a breakdown, yet she didn’t. Is that having too high expectations? When I was with my ex, he called me many a time feeling suicidal and I supported him. Yet look how he treated me. A few weeks ago I begged him for help as I was so scared for my wellbeing. He never ever responded. When I shared positive stuff that was happening to me, he ignored them, but when I was down, I got accused of being nihilistic. Loneliness isn’t a choice. And yes, i am having counselling but he is on his summer break so I have to do this alone. When I was at my lowest a few weeks ago, I even called Samaritans but got no response after phoning 6 times. So now yes I am hopeless because I don’t want to feel like this but do. I would rather be dead than feel like this. And the really sad thing is, I was OK before my ex got back in touch and I know I chose to communicate with him, but it was lockdown and he was the last person to touch me intimately, to kiss me, to share my home, to have a purpose for, to do things with. I holiday alone, go to festivals alone, do everything alone and he was the last person who i did things with and it felt great when it was good.So forgive me for being foolish enough to have chosen to let him into my head during a global pandemic, but now I can’t get him out as there is nothing else in my life to think about. I cannot understand how he could have been so cruel as just as I chose to respond to him, it is he who made the chose to get back in touch with me. Now that people are beginning to look forward to meeting up with friends and loved ones, my life will continue in the lockdown it’s always been.
You are angry. In fact you are enraged. Rage is a powerful energy. The problem is, others sense it. Even if we think it’s well hidden, or we hide it even from ourselves and tell us we aren’t furious. And when others sense it, they back away, even if we are begging them to come closer. Do not translate this into, as we imagine you are already thinking, ‘oh so you are saying it’s my fault’. No, we are not. We are saying that things have happened in your life that have made you enraged. We note, for example, the similarity between an aloof mother and an aloof ex, which we are sure is not a coincidence. Lack of mothering, being undermothered, is a deep wound that leaves many women with hidden reserves of rage, perhaps more than anything else https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/the-mother-wound-under-mothered.htm. We then try as adults to bully people into liking us, without even realising our methods are bullying. We screech and shout if someone doesn’t respond to us the way we want, often get sick and then are furious if the care we want doesn’t come… calling everyone evil and bad for not meeting our needs… seeing ourselves as the endless victim… not seeing that the one thing we never, ever do however, is just tell others what those needs are and ask for them to be met. In a healthy, calm, open manner. Or be our best self, believe we deserve love just by being ourselves, and then allow it to come. Because our undermothered childhoods ingrained us with the belief we have to ‘earn’ love. We also then choose people who match this belief and end up really having to earn it, thereby letting ourselves down without realising it. And on the horrible, lonely, endless process goes. In any case. We are wondering if you share these sorts of thoughts with your counsellor? And what kind of counselling you are doing. There might be some types that would be more suited than others, we wonder if schema therapy might be a good one as it does something called ‘limited reparenting’. We are sorry to hear that about Samaritans they are a great organisation but might be inundated given we are in the midst of a national mental health crisis. There are other hotlines to try, see our list here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. Give yourself some credit for all this bravery. For soldiering on, for reaching out, for doing your best, for getting out there. Then commit to digging deeper and getting to the core of this rage and loneliness. It won’t be instant. It’s a process. But much like you bought a house, and what it took to achieve that goal, you just have to keep taking the next step and the next step and the next.Best, HT
This is an amazing website and i thank google for giving me thr information. I read the 9 reasons and everyone of them relete to how i am feeling. Basic overveiw, i was the 4th child, only girl. I had both parents growing up, between 5-9years my parents were separated and we lived with my mum. My father has always worked hard and my mother has had her share of employment. I left home at 24, due to my parents having a domestic resulting in my father being arrested. I must add this was on my 24th birthday. A day later my mother commits suicide, i must say she is alive but not the person she was. (I believe it was a overdose of alchohol.) When i found her, she was lifeless. My father, only wanted quietness after work so we lived on egg shells with him. My mother, i cant count how many times shes tried to end her life, either by drinking, stock piling medications and slitting her wrists(self harm). I feel/think i was conditioned to be her saviour. I have always put others ahead of myself and i know i do that because a), i was taught to do that from such a young age and b), its so much easier to help someone else. By 16 i was in a youth impaitent unit and on antidepressants, because a bestfriend of 8years told me to ‘just do it then’ when i reached out for help. So i did, overdosing on panadol. Since 16, i have been on medication, so for 12 years. Im 28, i cant funtion and hold a job or career because i burn out and breakdown. This past year 2020, i lost my brother to suicide over relesonship issues after he brought his 1st house, another brother went to prison and my oldest brother and i are strangers really, but i still am the one to pick up the peices or be there in their need. I live in NZ, we have no support for domestic abuse victims or survivors(at least, i haven’t had any because i wasnt the victim but the witness). Im on low income and the support just sadly isnt there. I have for 6years been struggling to be independent from my parents and today, on this site, after many failed attempts on my own life, ( i cant do it, no matter how good the plan is) because all i want, is for this pain to stop. I found that, i might have a shot of changing this pattern of behavior. I have a history of failed friendships, relesonships with men or anyone. Im feisty and tend to be aggressive and i guess it comes from never being heard. I really need guidance and help in how to start to scrap the surfaces of these major events. I have just started to see a counselor but i just feel so exhausted of fighting this battle of my life. The battle of, having basic needs met. How do u do that, when u live alone, have no friends or support and the system isnt cope to deal with u. Im so tired of fighting for myself. I cry for help and receive nothing really. If i went to a & e they would listen but they would send me home because im not deemed insane enough for treatment. Its so broken, im broken and i am so lost. Everyday is me living insanity, doing the.same things but expecting a different result. I have tried so dam hard and for what, i have nothing to live for, no children, no partner and 2parents who cant really mend the damage that they did. Anything would be grateful to recieve.
Abbie, that’s an awful lot for one person to go through and we imagine you must have a lot of grief, sadness, and anger. And you might want to read our article on complex PTSD and see if it resonates, it can arise from an unstable childhood with terrifying events like finding your mother close to death. It’s wonderful to hear you are seeking counselling. The problem is that if you do have trauma reactions or identify as having c-PTSD when you read about it, if a counsellor is having you endlessly talk about your past it could just trigger you into feeling awful all the time. We highly advise you read our article on therapies that do work for trauma http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma, by helping you stabilise your brain, such as EMDR and CBT and clinical hypnotherapy. You might need to stabilise first before going through the past. Unfortunately not all counsellors are trauma trained as the research is relatively new so despite best intentions they can take a deeply traumatised client and continually retraumatise them. We’d also say, 28 is the age most women seek help. Help makes a massive difference. That said it can be hard to find a ‘click’, a counsellor we like, it can be a bit like dating, but don’t give up, because when we do find the right person it’s magical. It’s just the beginning of your journey. You’d be amazed how much can change, even in the face of living through all that. The fact you are still here and still trying shows how resilient and resourceful you are. Keep trying. There are a lot of free resources out there too, and communities of people like you who do understand, you might want to check out the ‘crappy childhood fairy’ on youtube, for example. We wish you courage. Best, HT.
Hello, Hayley therapy. So I am a gay male and I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend. Well at the beginning of our relationship I made the mistake of cheating on him. We had it out the next day and it was just an awful breakdown. My question to you is would there be any advice as to how to get him to stop saying every time he walks in the room just about and says who ya talking to? when I am on my phone or to help make him realize that I love him and it was a mistake on what I did. which we are finally moving past that now. But Without even doing anything to progress this he is showing all the symptoms of Trust issues. It hurts me to see him go through this and I want to make it better if I can.
Hi Kameron. There are no tricks to healing a breach of trust. You see we wouldn’t call this ‘trust issues’. This term refers to bringing trust issues to a relationship based on past experiences and projecting them onto the other without giving the person a chance. We’d say there was a factual breach of trust, that he has factual reasons to be paranoid. You can’t just demand trust. It has to be earned back. So what are you doing to earn it? The fact that you are looking for a trick to just change his behaviours instead of sitting down and having a calm, open, non judgemental conversation with him, finding ways forward together, asking him how he wants you to earn back the trust, would leave us to imagine there is work to be done on this front. And that the communication could use work. Cheating can be multi dimensional. We aren’t blaming you. We don’t know what the entire story is, and we do know a messy relationship takes two people to make, and there is no good person/bad person in this sort of scenario, just two complicated people. And it’s time for communication and transparency. If you weren’t raised with healthy communication, you’ll have to study it. Get out there and read about it and start practicing, perhaps together. Then there are much bigger questions here. Is this at all a pattern for you? Complicated relationships? Is there stuff that is your stuff that you need to work on? If so, also work on that. And learn about authentic relating which leads to trust https://bit.ly/authrelate. Finally, we don’t know how much you are invested in this relationship or how new it is, but this is the kind of thing couples counselling can do wonders for. Best, HT.
I don’t know or understand why but recently I get so upset and disappointed in the people around me. It feels like I try not to expect things of them, or ask of them more than I know they can give. I tell them if I’m in need or feeling a type of way and give time for changes to be made. And they have the same ability to call on me whenever they’re in need (mentally, emotionally, etc.). But it doesn’t feel like its enough sometimes, especially when I’m disappointed because I’d just like these people to keep their word.
* I.e. the (definitely irrational) anger that I feel at having a friend call and ask me (while I’m at work) to get off work 15 mins early to help him with a problem we were having, only to have him to call me when I get off work, and say that he won’t be here for another 2 hours (not for emergency reasons).
Now, I know things happen but its so frustrating constantly feeling like I compromise and get put on the back-burner to help others, when I was perfectly content in my own little world, before you asked me to change my plans/routine. Especially when there more than enough time to call or even send a text and say “Hey maybe don’t change your plans or call off work for me yet…”
Hi there. So there is a difference between feeling let down when really the other person isn’t doing much to let you down but you are bringing your own issues to every situation, and feeling let down because you are choosing to surround yourself with people who are treating you like a carpet. In the situation you give, we are only getting your perspective. But assuming it’s entirely factual, and your upset mind didn’t slightly rewrite any details, the healthy reaction would be to be pissed off and feel let down. But the real question is, why did you say yes to asking to get off work early for this person? Was it an emergency? So we are wondering if the real issue here is boundaries and self esteem. Not knowing how to say no to others and protect important things (like your job), not knowing how to put yourself first and feel okay with that instead of guilty, feeling you have to ‘earn’ attention from others by being ‘helpful’ all the time if they need it instead of just being yourself and being liked for that. Or blaming being upset for a logical reason on yourself. We also sense you are in relationships which are transactional, you give so you must get, which again often stems from codependency, where we learned as a child you have to deserve attention. In reality, true friendship just exists, because we are ourselves, there is no agenda, no scoreboard. In summary, we sense there is a lot more to this story, and we’d say, you can’t change any of those other people. You can’t change another person. There is one person you have the capacity to work on here, and that is you. Have you considered seeking support to look at what is at the root of your relating issues and why you choose the relationships you do? Best, HT.
Hi,
Thank you for this article. So much resonated for me. I try my best everyday to do the best I can. But somehow it all ends up in disaster. And it seems never enough. I actually feel exhausted by life and have been so tired for the last 2 yrs that have left me unable to work or do anything. I also have almost no adequate support from those around me. And I constantly feel let down. My saviour has been my mindset I still try to look at the bright side of life. My cousin commited suicide a few yrs ago. I was very saddend but can only imagine how she must have felt. As are family is quite dysfunctional. I carry on with my life. But sometimes feel so sad & so angry about how things turned out with people I genuiley cared for. From friendships to love interest. I feel a deep sadness and am also angry that my needs were never met while I always try to do my best and help people. I know things need to change and I should probably change. But even reading self-help books or sometimes talking to a therapist can unleash such powerfull emotions and trigger me that afterwards I feel depressed for days and it doesnt feel that my problems are solved even a little. Also I dont want to go into depression as I know it can totally debiltate a life. I wish for someone to save me & take good care of me for once and love me properly. But that feels like a fairytale. I see people I grew up with hitting milestones and going on with their livrs and it hurts so much that my life feels stuck and blocked without me being able to move forward succesfully. I feel so desperate for things to change positively.
Hi there An. It’s true, the idea that someone else is going to come along and save you is indeed a fairy tale. Nobody can save anyone else, unfortunately, they simply haven’t lived our experiences, they can’t heal what only we have gone through. On a good note, we CAN save ourselves. It can happen. It’s a long road sometimes, and often hard and challenging, but we all have inner resources. And others can certainly support us along that journey. It’s normal to crave support. We are essentially pack animals, not designed to be totally alone, where we can feel like plants without water, shrivelling away. It sounds like you are suffering depression, grief, loneliness, and lack of support. Severe depression causes severe fatigue and wipes out our motivation, so not surprising you can’t read self help books. It also sounds like you might have what is known as emotional dysregulation, where we are highly sensitive and can go from zero to a hundred quickly with emotions. You mention a dysfunctional childhood. It might be that your brain is in a trauma state. If this was the case, any sort of trigger would indeed overwhelm you, including therapy that pushed you to talk about the past, just re-traumatising you. And perhaps the suicide of a loved one and the grief that entailed pushed you beyond coping at this time. We highly recommend you read our article on therapy that works for trauma. You could use help stabilising first before any talk of your past etcetera. So something like CBT therapy that focuses on current coping not past experience and helps you learn not to stay stuck in the cognitive distortions that keep you depressed. Or EMDR, hypnotherapy, BWRT, Human Givens therapy… there is a growing body of treatments to help us stabilise, read more here http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma and see if our article on complex trauma hits home at all http://bit.ly/comptrauma. Finally, try not to compare yourself to others. It is shown to lower self-esteem, and it’s really pointless, as it’s not the big picture. All people have their own secret issues and struggles, you never know what they are really going through, so you are comparing yourself to your own idealised assumptions, not a reality. And you can’t predict what lies ahead for you or what this experience of not being able to cope might end up meaning in the future. Sometimes an experience is more than what we realise when we are in it, and it ends up being something we needed to go through to reach an inner gift we don’t yet recognise we have. Hang in there, and do seek proper support, even if it’s exhausting or scary. As for always being positive, that too can drain our energy if it’s hiding how we really feel. It’s not ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ to feel angry or sad. It’s human. Finally, the Western idea pushed down our throats that life is supposed to be easy and ‘happy’ is just that. An idea. Life is an experience. It’s all sorts of things. Scary, fun, challenging, easy, depressing, joyful. Consider learning mindfulness, which helps us to sink into the experience and accept it as it is, instead of missing out on the life we do have because we are always looking ‘out there’ for some mythical happy perfect life http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. Best, HT.
Hi Ht,
Thank you very much for your comforting words & resources. It does make me feel less alone and still a bit hopefull. Thank you.
Glad to help, An. We are sure you have many inner resources, and are more powerful than you realise. For starters you are actively trying to find a way forward. And you evidently care about others and being a good person. These are all strong values that will help you in the journey. We wish you courage! Best, HT.
Dear Harley Therapy,
What is alway interesting to me about therapy is that it leaves out the effect of a culture on someone’s mental health. As one poster who moved to Iran mentioned, she didn’t feel lonely at all in Iran. Western culture is mostly focused on money and competition. This affects how much effort one puts into relationships. There are differences in western countries as well.What I also find interesting is that in the blog you note that one person has “trust issues”. My question to you would be if the person who betrayed her or let her down, is labelled as having “trustworthiness issues”? People who hurt and betray seldom go to therapists because it’s less of a problem for them.
Hi Susan, it sounds like you are in a lot of pain somehow, and are experiencing anger and feeling like nobody understands. What happens when we are depressed or angry at the world is that our mind starts to work in broad strokes, making assumptions, and getting stuck in loops of what are called ‘cognitive distortions’. And this just serves to keep us even more lonely and alienated and angry. So there are a lot of big brush strokes and assumptions about therapy, Western culture. The thing is, wherever you go, there you are. There is no magic place or magic culture that will be perfect. As to your questions or suggestions, no, therapy does not avoid people’s culture, many therapists specifically work from a cultural lens. We of course can’t account for the millions of therapists in the world, but all our therapists take culture into account. “Western culture’, again, a massive umbrella. Some people will be capitalist, some won’t. You will also find many Arab countries that are capitalist, or Russian. And some Western countries are more socialist than others, like France. So generalisations simply don’t work. As for trust issues, it depends on the people involved, each situation is unique. Some people have trust issues, and yes, of course, some people break trust. As for people who hurt and betray not going to therapy, you are way off there. Many, many people come to therapy as they feel ashamed they hurt of disappointed people they love. In summary, people and the world are complicated. We are fairly certain you are are too, and that you, too have hurt other people. It’s the nature of being human. We can spend all our time finding reasons to feel separate from the ‘horrible world out there’ and therefore just blaming the world, and spend out lives feeling bitter and alone and finding reasons why seeking support is stupid and won’t work.Or we an accept that, hey, I’m really unhappy. Maybe I need to turn my attention on me, and seek some support to figure out where all this anger and sadness and loneliness comes from and what I can do about it. Best, HT.
I’ve been battling with feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness for a long time. I always feel that once I get close to someone that I consider to be a friend, I am unneeded. I feel low and let down when my friends don’t call me or even mention me in a group conversation. This probably sounds needy and whiny ..it does to me but I have thia feeling constantly within me. I truly believe that when I give a friend my time iam not expecting anything from him/her. However, when iam brushes aside and know that I was never very important to begin with, I feel so stupid and angry with myself. I try very hard to get over this but I find it very difficult. At timea I feel so desperate that I cannot sit still.
Hi Annara. Use our search bar to find our articles on codependency. This is a state where we rely on others for our sense of self and our worth instead of sourcing it from within. This happens when as a child we either had to take care of a parent, experienced trauma, or in some cases it happens if we were only loved if we were good, pleasing, fit into our parents ideas of what they wanted, but were rejected for being sad, for example. Good parenting means a child knows they are loved and accepted no matter what, even on bad days. So now you are an adult who is anxious without approval. Also look for our article on anxious attachment, a way of relating to others that again comes from childhood issues. In summary, we don’t think this is something you can fix in a day by reading articles. This kind of need is not something to judge yourself for, it usually comes from a place of emotional pain and loneliness. And as it comes from a difficult childhood and is probably nothing to do with these people around you, the best path here is to get support. To commit to the healing process, deal with your past, and learn healthier ways of relating. And also work on your self-esteem. So we’d highly recommend you seek counselling, although if that is not possible there are many books out there on healing your childhood, raising your esteem, and dealing with codependency. As for not being able to sit still, that is likely anxiety, it can make us feel very edgy. Best, HT.
I’ve always had to look after myself, if I asked my parents for help they would say what would you do if I wasn’t here? Yep! Get on and do it myself! ” Don’t expect others to run around after you!” Was another saying of my parents. My life has always been like that! For 20 years I had a farm, equipped it well, had good livestock, got good furniture and household items as I was getting older and would need them when I retired. I received a notice to quit, 3 months to go, had an accident ended in hospital. During that time my landlord got an eviction notice ordering bailiffs to evict me. I didn’t get court papers I was in hospital, no one at my home. Got home bailiffs arrived, evicted me on their second call. I was taken to a village 25 miles from the farm where I had lived and given temporary accommodation. Had nothing with me, no car as couldn’t drive after major surgery. Landlord threatened anyone who went to collect clothing or food for me except for a local woman who offered to get essentials, bring them to me and didn’t turn up! The farm and my home were ransacked, equipment, machinery and livestock disappeared. My home was emptied, laptops, shearing equipment, fridges and freezers, I lost thousands of pounds worth of items and my personal things. Even my clothing and food were taken, I had nothing except what I stood up in. Police said it was a civil matter nothing to do with them! Two years on I have nothing, I6 months ago I moved into a one room flat with a chair, kettle and 2 mugs, was given a bed, 2 chairs, a table and a TV. Much appreciated! I’m 78 this year, have a pension to live on, spent my savings on a solicitor. Need a fridge freezer, I feel awful keep begging when people are discarding! What the hell am I doing like this when I’ve worked so hard all my life, not put upon anyone! How can people steal everything from me and get away with it! Why have I had no help, where have I gone wrong?
Bunty, this sounds like an incredibly traumatic experience in so many ways. And from what we are hearing in what you say there is no support, nobody for you to turn to. And when we go through this much trauma with no sort of support whatsoever our mind can really be lost, trying endlessly to find understanding for what is not understandable, we can start to feel worse and worse or even blame ourselves when all we are doing is the best we can. It’s essential to have support. Have you considered reaching out for some counselling? As you are in the UK you can talk to your GP and it is free through the NHS, you can get absolutely free of charge help, in some areas you have to be on a waiting list but we think given how much you have gone through there is a chance they could get you help sooner. Do not at all be embarrassed to talk to your GP, it’s a well known fact that accidents are traumatic, but if it’s also followed by losing everything then anyone at all would be struggling, as it’s too much to navigate for one person. Let them know that between the accident and losing everything you just feel overwhelmed. Also note that here in the UK there is a free confidential help line called Silverline that is for older people, really nice volunteers can help you work through these stressful thoughts. https://www.thesilverline.org.uk/. There are also several other free support lines you can call see here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. What we’d also say is that when we grow up with parents who don’t give us the support a child needs, and we are forced to be entirely independent, we can feel guilty or not worthy of help and try to do everything ourselves. Fight this instinct, as it’s not correct. You are worthy of support, and there is absolutely no shame in asking for it, in fact it’s really a courageous thing to do. We wish you courage! Best, HT.
All of these topics or explanations are designed for me to feel even angrier at myself? Like I need to be fixed by a professional? I wonder why this industry is so profitable. Some of the info I believe is valid but please interlay some behaviors that show resilience as some people who come here have truly experienced abuse. Instead of “you are projecting” you can completely reword the statement and make it into a positive question.
I’m sorry for the people you’ve hurt with this words.
Wow this makes a lot of sense. I think this is the best explanation I have ever seen to my issue. This is in contrast to what other articles say; even other articles that come up first in the search. I appreciate your gifting and ability to cut the crap and show the multi-faceted layers of how multiple different aspects are related to the same issue. Thank you so much
I see. So it’s all MY fault. Got it.
I live away from my family. Two failed marriages, three sons I don’t live with. People say I’m a great Dad.
Sorry, not good enough. Never will be.
I hate my career. Oil and gas, structural engineer. Adequacy at minimum cost. Just keep taking the money.
Sorry, not good enough. Never will be.
What is the point?
I read this article with interest, because I was looking to see if the things written was the reason my friend feels so let down so often . However I felt there was a piece missing from this. It was missing ‘perhaps your behaviour drives people away and they don’t WANT to spend time with you because it isn’t pleasant or enjoyable to do so.’
I have a friend I shall call X who in the time I have known X has lost so many friends yet will never ask self the role they play in it. To X it seems ” I am the victim and everyone else is awful and vile.!'”
I sadly find X toxic and poisonous. X has excuse after excuse for why X is this way or that way “it is my hormones” being one particular well used excuse. (In fact if I had a $ for each time it’s been said I would be flying first class to Jamaica with the proceeds).
Well in the eight years I have known this person. It has been a constant flood of moaning,whining,whinging,complaining and oh so very very bitter.
I actually feel ill when communicate with this person.
“I wanna go out and have funnnnnnn” X cries. So out we go..only for the friend to sit listening to the moaning, whining,whining,complaining. Oh Yes SUCH FUNNNNNNNNN (not not NOT!)
X is totally self absorbed yet not self aware. It is frustrating and I find myself struggling to be sympathetic. I feel bad X is do miserable and lonely, and maybe X enjoys the Self Pity Oh Woe Is Me Party. ”
I can’t stand hurting anyone but 96% of interactions with X be it IM or Skype or text? Email or call leave me feeling negative and angry or low. X gets angry if you try to explain that perhaps X is part of the problem in first place.
I have major issues and problems in my own life and but I do not shove them doen people’s throats all the time. I definitely do not need it. When will I wise up and Get The Hell Outta Dodge far far far from X
This ‘ ME ME ME ME MEEEEEE ..MY wants, MY needs’ mon dieu it is exhausting . I truly don’t want to spend rest of my life listening to it.
I AM sympathetic to a point but…you know, rapidly running out of that sympathy.
Oh well.
best wishes
C J-M
How do I communicate this to someone with such an ego? For someone who cannot see the value in taking responsibility, and who is overcome with such pain and deep need, hearing these explanations could easily feel like an attack, could it not? It also seems like there is a lot of room for confirmation bias, if the person hearing it cannot recognize/accept the true intention behind a conversation. Help.
Yh, or you could just have the misfortune of being surrounded by jerks …
It’s wrong for you to have expectations because it gets in the way of all the expectations you have to fulfill.
These answers you give make it seem as it is a mental fault within ourselves by being felt let down. Why should we be to blame for the failure of others to do as they say or give of themselves and their time if they see a need in someone they supposedly care for and do not reciprocate a sincerity of heart and help and a genuine spirit of doing what is known to be of help and needed by those in their lives if possible. Everyone should be able to give comfort and lend an ear and give of themselves instead of only taking that from others and know they are letting others down but do it anyway because it’s just too much trouble to truly give of themselves. They are always quick with an excuse or admission of guilt and even in that are garnering more of your attention and taking more from you to feed their sense of truly not giving anything akin to being someone who cares yet are in your life.
I find this true of everyone but I am no victim and I am not defective in my sincerity of heart. I get let down and it hurts and it is because of others true lack of taking time to do as they say or be there unless you are giving to them.
Picking the wrong people to associate and be in a family with.? Not guilty of that either as it is most people are “me” minded and just don’t try to truly know you and should.
Over give of myself? Why yes I do and yes I get hurt by being overlooked and given no support or help too. I should think that would be anyone’s reaction to honestly caring only to be given no consideration in their emotional bolstering and human contact.
Why is it that it must always lie with me that I am let down by others. Why is it not there defunct emotional perceptions to others feelings and needs?
Don’t be made to feel like it’s your fault and you need counseling to be fixed and made to take the blame
And burden of such when it clearly
Is the void in others emotional ability to act in decency and caring for others.
Not everything is a flawed character trait in you. Most others are just selfish and take and never give and you have the right to feel let down.
God gave you his emotions so use them all in his honor and hurt if you are hurt and be disappointed and yes even be a victim if you are. Don’t take blame for others lack of love for anyone but themselves and what serves their best needs.
I get let down constantly. Ain’t my fault. I am giving and caring and kind Ms compassionate and go the extra steps to be there. So sue me for being pretty damn fantastic as a person. I applaud my beautiful heart but it is broken over and again. That’s life my friends. Deal with it cause that’s how it is.
Love your selves and you will be a light showing the way for others to follow in goodness. All you can do for humanity is give. That’s why we are here. If not what the hell else are we doing here?