Always Left Feeling Not Good Enough? The Real Reasons Why
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 16, 2023
By: Pabak Sarkar
by Andrea M. Darcy
Tried positive thinking and affirmations? Read all the advice about self-confidence?
But deep down still are left feeling not good enough?
I feel like a failure
Low self-worth often stems from very deep-rooted issues. This becomes clear looking at the common reasons for not feeling good enough.
[Want to talk to someone about your secret beliefs you are not good enough? Book an online therapy session with a therapist you like, be talking as soon as tomorrow.]
7 Reasons For Feeling Not Good Enough
1.You have hidden core beliefs that are running the show.
The thoughts we actually hear in our heads are far less powerful than those that lurk in our unconscious. Low self worth is inevitably connected to the buried and hidden assumptions about the world, others, and ourselves that we mistake as fact.
These ‘core beliefs‘ are often formed when we were children, with a child’s simple perspective. So they can be surprisingly dramatic and untrue. And yet we unwittingly base all our life decisions around them.
For example, a child with a parent who suddenly leaves one day without offering a reason is not evolved to understand an adult having a mental breakdown, or running off for space after a fight. In the child’s mind, the core belief ‘if you love someone they leave you’ takes hold. Even if the parent comes back a few days later the belief sticks, and the child grows into an adult who never lets anyone close.
2. If you listen deeply, your inner voice is actually critical and judgemental.
It is easy is to convince ourselves we are ‘positive thinkers’.
And yet many of us don’t actually take the time to properly listen to our thoughts. If we do, we might discover it’s a radio show of negativity.
Mindfulness is a wonderful technique for slowing down enough to hear your thoughts clearly. It is about listening and letting go to thoughts without judgement. Learn more in our free ‘Guide to Mindfulness’.
3. You surround yourself with critical people.
Of course some of us don’t even need negative thoughts to ensure we always feel not good enough. We let other people do the job for us by consciously choosing toxic friendships and unhealthy relationships.Then others put us down no matter how hard we try.
4. You had critical, demanding, or aloof parent(s) that left you feeling not good enough.
Yes, perhaps you had a ‘good childhood’. You lived in a nice house, your parents never divorced. You never wanted for anything.
But then again, perhaps you did. Perhaps you wanted for the approval and love that every child needs.
If your parent(s) always wanted you to smarter, or quieter, or sportier, or if they favoured your sibling….? Whatever it was, the message was that you were not enough as is. It might have just been that your parent was not good at loving due to their own unresolved issues.
As children we naturally seek approval and love. So we learn to suffocate our real personality and become the ‘good’ child, at the price of turning into an adult who never feels a sense of worth.
5. You main caregiver couldn’t offer you stability or safety.
Some children have a parent who is simply unable to offer them an environment of safety where they can trust their parent to be there for them. Perhaps you parent was an alcoholic, suffered depression, or was in a toxic relationship that demanded all their attention.
If a parent is unwell the child can feel responsible for the parent’s happiness. If only you acted a certain way, did certain things, were somehow a better/smarter child your parent would be ok. But of course a child can’t fix such a parent or situation. So their endless codependency evolves into a belief they are not good enough somehow.
6. You didn’t get enough ‘attachment’ as a kid.
By: Beatrice Murch
What both these points about parenting involve is not having a caregiver who was able to offer unconditional love and trust, or what is called ‘attachment’ in psychology.
Attachment theory believes that for the first seven years of life a child absolutely needs unconditional love and to be able to trust his or her primary caregiver. If this doesn’t happen, we can end up with ‘anxious attachment’, which involves never trusting yourself or others and lacking confidence.
7. You experienced strong trauma(s) in the past.
Of course one way to develop negative core beliefs quickly as a child does not necessarily involve poor parenting.
Childhood trauma decimates a child’s sense of worth.
Most children feel responsible for the trauma, particularly if it is physical abuse or sexual abuse. They internalise the idea they are bad and worthless, so deserved it.
So is feeling not good enough always all about the past?
It is inevitable that the environments and experiences of our childhood affected us. Of course there are other factors. Some of us born with a naturally more sensitive personality, for example, so suffer more.
And sometimes it is a marked trauma as an adult that leaves us not feeling good enough, such as a betrayal. Even then, though, we will find our confidence an self-worth suffers more, and we take longer to recuperate, if we had previous trauma in our early life or poor parenting.
What sorts of therapy help?
If trawling through your past just isn’t your thing, take heart. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is shown to raise self-esteem, and it does so by focusing on your present day issues and changing the way you respond to thoughts.
And humanistic therapies like person-centred therapy can help your confidence by showing you the personal resources you already have, and helping you grow these inner resources and use them to make better choices. Or try compassion-focused therapy (CFT), which teaches you how to be more gentle with yourself and others.
Want help to overcome not feeling enough in life? Harley Therapy connects you with some of the best private psychologists and psychotherapists working in central London. Not in London or even the UK? Find a quality online therapists on the Harley Therapy Platform.
Andrea M. Darcy is a mental health and wellbeing expert and personal development teacher with training in person-centred counselling and coaching, as well as a popular psychology writer. Follow her on Instagram for useful life tips @am_darcy
Thank you for your site I get all kinds of helpful information.
Glad it’s helpful!
Damn after reading all that was written, and all that I have been through, perhaps I should seek someone to help me get through this issue (although I do not think it is possible) my loving, adoring parents bitterly divorced when I was 2, my father killed himself when I was 6, I was raped by my step father at 10, I married at 17, and it just spiraled from there. Damn when I spell it out for you it sounds depressing, I am 53, I don’t know why I have started drinking like there is no tomorrow (and I did not have this problem before) I do have a few medical issues. Both my parents are now dead. I have been married 5 times, divorced 3, widowed 1, and am currently married to a man who puts up with a lot. I have lived a lot, loved a lot, lost a lot. I have 7 children, 2 biological, 2 blessed thru adoption, 3 step children. I don’t know what I am looking for, possibly peace.
Hi Tia first of all, that is a lot for any person to go through. So give yourself some credit for being here to share this. Second of all, it is possible that you can move through the effects of all this and see real change and peace. Regarding the drinking, the mind is a funny thing. Sometimes we can hold back memories and emotions for a very long time then some small thing will trigger everything. Are you thinking of counselling? A good counsellor would create a safe space for you to unpack all the unresolved emotions it sounds like you’ve never had time to process. And they are unbaised, they don’t rely on you to be a certain way, or judge you.
I feel less alllll the time.. Nothing feels rite.. I feel worthless alot of times especially when im around people.. I dont believe in theraphy.. How can i heal… 🙁
What does that mean when you say that, “I don’t believe in therapy?” What part don’t you believe in?
Okay.
That all makes sense. And I get how it could effect lots of beautiful humans.. but None of which effect me. Yet I have suffered threw much insecurities related to learning, image and self worth. I am still a people pleaser to a fault. however am always falling short. Feeling then worse… I come from avery loving family, single child with supportive parents. yet I suffered threw so much depression, learning disabilities and self hate when I was 8- current. I have learnd to manage myself… but it is still somethind deep routed. And I do not understand it.
Everything I read is similar to this…. i need help.
anyone have an Idea.
let me know 🙂
A
Hi there, thanks for sharing. Are you sure it al doesn’t effect you? As we see point 1 and 2 even just in this comment. If we all knew exactly what had traumatised or upset us or led us to have low self esteem and negative beliefs about ourselves, then nobody would ever have depression or anxiety. The mind represses and hides things to help us cope – until we aren’t. Discovering these things is not an overnight process or something someone else can do for you. It’s a journey. One you have to commit to. We’d suggest you consider counselling if you really want to get to the bottom of it. Good luck.
Therapy doesnt work meds destroyed my brain chemistry from when i was little for adhd and depression i dont even know why. The fuck im typing this i just want it to be over. I will never be loved and am too far gone to be any good to anyone.
I just want to die with at least some dignity left.
Hi Conrad, probably you are typing because no matter how hard it gets a tiny part of you still has hope and doesn’t believe that death is the answer. We’d say we strongly agree with that tiny part. We are sorry to hear you were bunged on drugs as a child. It’s a very American way of doing things. Note that therapy and drugs are not the same thing. And just putting a child on drugs without proper support merely masks symptoms over helps the child. By the way, there are large scale research studies that show that therapy often does work. But it’s definitely not a magic wand. What we see in your comment, Conrad, by the way, is a lot of extreme thinking. When we are depressed or feeling lost our mind can become addicted to cognitive distortions. Thoughts that aren’t actually reality but we tell ourselves are. What type of therapy did you try, we are curious? What would be useful would be to start by working on those wild thoughts telling you you are not loveable or should just die or that nothing works. They are, by the way, just thoughts, not who you are. Who you are is bigger and better than any mere thought.
Our last child of 5 (4 boys), was the sweetest, gentlest, thoughtful child and continues to be at age 26. At 16 she began lying and used her attractiveness for attention and approval. She spoke of everyone else’s inappropriate behavior in a gossiping way, but then would secretly “one-up” them. Began seeking to hang with wilder side peers, quite opposite than who she claimed she was. The disturbing thing is that she continues this behavior, but blames others (who have adored and made solid lifetime memories with her) who remain in constant sincere interest in her, for her “not feeling good enough” around them. Her behavior is not consistent with the intentional parenting she received, together with values and a positive encouraging home life. She does have anxiety and I believe she witnessed more than her share with a brother who is bi polar, another oppositional defiance and a third diagnosed with BPD.
Hi there Linda. There is a lot going on in this comment. Quite honestly there feels a struggle here to present vs what you feel. For example, you say your daughter continues to be ‘sweet, gentle, thoughtful’. Then go on to label her as anything but. And there seems a high anxiety to find who to blame, and to make it very clear it is not about parenting. In our experience making things about fault and blame within family units just lead to disconnection. Families are working units.Everyone affects the other, and the way one person sees things is not the way the other does. The way one person experiences and feels things is not the way the other does. And note we have never come across perfect parenting. Ever. Parents make mistakes. Sometimes big ones. There is no manual. Parents hurt kids despite best intentions, and kids upset parents despite best intentions. Families are messy. But the best parenting involves being honest about that, or risk alienating your children. We wonder if with so many other children already with their own set of problems your daughter felt pressured to live up to your desire she be ‘sweet, gentle’, etc. Which no child ever is all time unless they are trying to please a parent. If so, they spend a childhood trying to meet a parent’s expectations that they be a ‘good child’ then explode out all their repressed sadness and anger later on as they try to figure out who they actually are. Perhaps as a teen she needed to try being less than perfect. Seems pretty human to us. As does gossiping, a bit of hanging out with a wild crowd. I mean aren’t we essentially gossiping about her right now? She is also an adult now, 26. Which means it’s now entirely up to her how to be. The best a parent can do is try to love an adult child to the best of their ability, and set boundaries around the things you don’t or can’t accept in your own house and interactions. Other than that, she’s beyond your control.Finally we sense a lot of anger here, actually. And we wonder if it would not actually be more powerful and useful for you to, instead of trying to figure your daughter out, which is up to her now, to spend time with a counsellor looking at all your own feelings over raising children that didn’t meet your expectations and what this need to appear so perfect is actually about. Good luck.
I’m starting to realize most of my anxiety comes from issues with my parents that they were unaware they were perpetuating, which makes this clusterfuck infinitely worse. It’s like a blameless circle of consequences you’re existentially branded with due to no fault of your own. I didn’t choose to be born, and yet here I am stuck with all these issues and expected to maintain a career somehow. Fuck I’m angry and I don’t know where that anger is duly placed.
Hi Jason, does anger have to be placed somewhere? Is it okay to just have anger that needs to be processed in a healthy way? We are human and we all make mistakes and the fact that you realise that is great. But the emotions are still there, beyond our adult reasoning. That’s one of the reasons therapy exists, to help us process these emotions we don’t know what to do with.
Wow!After reading this I just cried. My mom left when I was 2 because of my dads abuse. My dad was a drunk,he beat me till I was 9. I was exposed to my dad sleeping with women in another room.Pornography became a way of life for me at age 7. I was molested by my baby sitter at a very early age. My uncle masturbated in front of me when I was 7. I was taken out of my home when I was 12,placed into foster care where my foster dad was an alchoholic. Moved from there to another foster home,, molested by my foster sister. Placed into a psychiatric hospital for evaluation. Determination,”hyper active child”.’Through me in a boys home for 4 years. During that time got into drugs, drinking, sex. Got married at 23, 2 children for 18 years. Wife fell in love with her 11 year old student.She was 36. God married 5 years later. Wife got cancer and had to retire. Can’t get a job in my profession because of my age. My wife needs full time care. I won’t go on.Thanks for listening.
Hi Jackie, that’s an awful lot for one person to deal with. We are sure, however, you are more than all this. More than just what you have experienced, and with inner resources despite it all. We hope that you have sought some support on all this as it’s a lot to navigate alone.
I’m constantly kind, caring, sweet, loving, supportive to everyone in my life I help my friends through their problems but when it comes to my self I’ve always hated how I look (chubbish) I feel like bursting into tears because I’m not good enough. I surround myself with positive people but always feel like how are they so motivated and happy in life when all I am is a 18year old bloke who cares for his eplitec mother and has no motivation to stay in shape and cant even stay happy when alone. Always feel alone
Hi Kyle, what you are describing is a classic case of codependency, and it’s very common to use a codependent approach to all our relationships if we grew up taking care of a parent, always having to be responsible and ‘good’ as our parent isn’t well. Codependency means we have learned to base our identity and sense of self and worth around pleasing others. We don’t realise that we have worth just for being who we are, ‘warts and all’. The problem is that we if we are always trying to be ‘good’ and ‘acceptable’ we have to repress a lot of things about ourselves. We can lose sight of who we really are, and then feel lost, and yes, lonely. We are lonely because we are always actually acting, and never being our real selves. The truth is that we are acceptable and worthy even if we aren’t ‘kind, caring, supportive’ all the time. We are worthy and acceptable even if we are sad, upset, angry. Real relationships are based on being all of ourselves and accepting others for being all of their selves. We recommend you use the search bar to find our pieces on codependency and on authentic relationships. And also to seek support if you can. Is there a counsellor at school you would comfortable talking to? Note there are also great free help lines here in the UK with really nice trained volunteers happy to take your call with many just for people your age and if you don’t want to call you can text or email http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. Best, HT
I have always had that feeling of never being good enough, and I knew a lot of that was from seeing the accomplishments of those I was surrounded by and by what I think makes someone good enough. One of the craziest things is I never really applied those things to anyone else. When I think about it, to me, everyone is good enough, except me, because I know my story, I don’t know anyone else’s. While reading this, I realized that part of it was also how I grew up. I was a naturally very angry and hateful child, because of that, I didn’t really have a very loving relationship with any of my 7 siblings or my parents, I was the child you avoided. The kind who slept for the first 9 months of my life and hasn’t slept since. I can’t blame anyone though, I did terrible things, said terrible things to people. I’m 16, and those relationships only really started improving a few years ago, I am much better now I think. Less violent, less cruel. But I know that in their eyes, I will never be good enough, especially in my dad’s, so to me, I never will be good enough, and sometimes, that reminder, in addition to the one that pop up in life, just leave me feeling more than not good enough, they leave me feeling worthless, like a piece of garbage that needs to be taken out. I know this is kind of long and you’ve got better things to do than read some dumb teenage girl’s personal issues, so I’ll leave this at that.
Hi there Evin, we don’t actually believe any child is ‘naturally angry and hateful’, unless you are one in about a million children born with psychopathy, which would mean you were never here feeling guilty writing this comment. Children are angry because they experience things that overwhelm them or don’t receive the love and acceptance they need to thrive. We can imagine, for example, it was hard to get much attention with that many siblings. Also, we all do and say terrible things. It doesn’t make us a terrible person. It makes us a person who has said terrible things. So we’d say we are sure you are not at all a terrible person, just a person going through a lot who feels lonely and unloved. but who has all the potential that anyone else does and can do great things with her life. Finally, you are sixteen. It’s tough being a teen. Your brain is still growing, your body is flooded with hormones, you are still figuring out who you are. It’s actually normal to be self judgemental as a teen, to feel lost and unhappy. That said, your level of self-esteem seems extremely low and there is clearly an issue with your father. So it would be great if you had someone to talk to. Is there a counsellor at your school you would feel comfortable talking to? Also note that if you are in USA, Canada, UK, etcetera, they have free help lines for teens. Google for one in your country. Best, HT
My boyfriend has always had issues with not feeling good enough. Have been trying to help him work through them as much as I can. It is definitely 4, 6 and 7. He always refers to his sister as the “favorite” and that she can do no wrong. I however, learned from speaking to her about her childhood, this is now how she feels when it comes to their parents. He has also expressed to me that he took certain paths because what he wanted to do with his life was basically said to not be a good way ( this definitely affected the path he those for a career) leaving him feeing pushed into things and now later on in adulthood especially with what is going on now in the world like he wasted his whole life even doing what he chose to do. He has decided to go back to school for something new, but something he has always had interest in which is a very good and positive thing. With that positive switch though, he is now overly concerned with finances. He has always says that everyone in his life has screwed him over with the exception of myself and a had full of others. We do not have really any friends that we get to hang out with regularly. He has also has relationships that have failed him or he hit on him. I am the first who try’s to talk to him about these issues and do everything I can to keep positive reinforcement in out life and relationship. He has his good times and his bad. I just wish I knew of more ways to help him not feel this way. He takes things in all the time and then he makes the smallest blunder, even if it is not even a big deal, and then blames himself. He is an amazing person, I want so desperately to help him see that.
Hi Leann, we understand your desire to support someone you love. But we see a lot of red flags here. Being the only person someone turns to is a lot for anyone to navigate. We notice you don’t talk about yourself at all. How much of your life is consumed by ‘fixing’ his life? And dealing with his sorrows? If your life is so consumed by him you don’t even have friends we’d recommend you do some research on codependency and healthy vs unhealthy relationships. As for your boyfriend, we can’t change another person or ‘love them better’. Yes, we can support the people we love. But the only person who can change him is him. And the best way to support someone is also to take care of ourselves, to lead by example. Read about codependency here http://bit.ly/codependentall Best, HT
I have experienced a lifetime of abuse, starting when I was a baby by my father, and even married an abusive man. I have struggled with self worth all my life. I have tried with everything in me to move past it all. I try to eliminate toxic people from my life. I try to make friends and I try to be a good friend to people, but it feels like whenever I need someone to be there for me that everyone disappears. That ends up destroying my self worth even more. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sick of feeling this way. I’m sick of feeling like I don’t have anyone. Suicide has crossed my mind and feels very much like a viable option.
Meg, what you are describing is actually a classic side effect of abuse. We become entrenched in certain ways of seeing the world and unconsciously create patterns by the decisions we make, unable to see that we are creating them because trauma has made our brain see a certain way. These patterns involve people rejecting us or making us feel unworthy. We unconsciously choose the very people who might do that even. There are some things here, such as using the word ‘eliminate’ and feeling totally rejected and abandoned, plus having suicidal thoughts and extreme low self esteem, which could be red flags for emotive personality disorder, common in women particularly who went through childhood abuse. (It’s also called borderline personality disorder, but there is actually nothing ‘borderline’ to it). So what we’d say is… you have to gather up all your courage and seek support. These sorts of heavily entrenched patterns are really really hard if not impossible to break alone. We suggest you read our article on therapies that help trauma survivors as not all therapies are helpful so it’s important you choose a good one and find a therapist you think you can grow to trust. http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma Finally, don’t give up on yourself. People who have gone through trauma have many gifts to share with the world. They are often sensitive, caring, creative, and loving. And the world needs a lot more of that, wouldn’t you agree? Best, HT
So I have always struggled with 8n myself theses days I don know why more my husband doesn’t seem to want me 8 have stuck through everything mental phycial abuse 8 have stuck with him even when he was making his ex about how he wanted pics and how he missed ex’s and females and when I asked last year I was acuss8jg him 9f it so he did it but turns out it’s been happing for much longer then expected I can’t hold 9n much longer I lost my daughter 5 months ago she know lives with her grandma .. and all he tells me is I don’t live him when I do I have shown it I have lived it ….. When 8 was younger I was always called fat made fun of ….
……. Long pitiful cry for help why do 8 feel so worth less 8 honestly wish that I was never here becouse then 8 would have botherd eny9ne and these pr9bloy be happy st8ll
Hi Morgan. This isn’t love. This is abuse and trauma bonding. If we grow up without unconditional love or safety, we often think that trauma is love. Read our article on trauma bonds here. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-trauma-bonding.htm They are very hard to break, as you can see you are so addicted to this man you have even lost your daughter. You have to reach out for help. Look for a woman’s charity near you that helps women in abusive situations, and gather up your courage to contact them.
What if you’ve had all those problems since you were born? I doubt any counselor would solve fix or even scratch the surface of any of it. Not to mention not keen on it anymore since last so called therapist straight told me it (that is being RAPED by my step dad for most of my childhood) was all my fault AND on top of that tried to force me to live in this halfway house kind of thing where I would not have been allowed ANY contact from the outside world not even a phone call or any personal belongings not to mention I was pregnant then and she wanted to “remove” my baby til she deemed me “cured and ready or force me to adopt him out” (I was 18 then) ARE YOU SERIOUS??? I told her off and left. Haven’t trusted counseling since. So I’m good on that. I just wanna know why after so many years of trying to be better so somebody would finally think I’m good enough am I still not good enough?? I literally put myself last my children my husband even people I can’t stand come before me and yet I’m just trash and no its not in my head I’ve literally had EVERY person I’ve ever known straight say to my face that I’m “worthless, trash, waste of space, pos, loser, they wish I would just die” etc so tell me how to fix that I wonder literally EVERYBODY not just some people people I barely know people I’ve known my whole life and every stage of passerby to lifelong in between has used any variations of those words and yet I’ve never done anything to any of them to deserve it. I’ve wracked my brain and cried myself to sleep for years wondering why and trying to figure out what I ever did wrong. I was ripped away from the only parent figure that ever loved me and then they died before they even knew half of what was happening and I’ve had no love since even my husband ignores me and would rather talk to other women don’t know if he’s full blown cheating but he sure don’t want me now haven’t made love in 5 years every time there’s “sex” it’s only for him and its over before I even start. My kids are miserable cuz I can’t take care of 4 kids 4 animals and a house and everything else by myself but I try cuz nobody helps. So yeah when you find a cure for all that you let me know. PS all that and I just turned only 32!
Hi there. So you are very angry. Enraged, really. Whether you realise it or not, this is the vibe you are sending loud and clear even just in an internet comment. And we get it. Life can be really hard. You aren’t alone in that. We work with thousands of client who have lived through horrific things. In fact most people at some point face very difficult experiences. But if all you are doing is emanating fury then you are not going to attract supportive kind people. You are going to attract people who want to fight with you. You are sending out the message whether you realise it or not that you WANT a fight. Then there are core beliefs. The things that we deep down believe about ourselves, hidden in our unconscious. And these beliefs, like it or not, control our decisions. So we can say we don’t want to be treated badly, but deep down, if our core belief is, ‘I am worthless’, we will unconsciously make choices to ‘prove’ this true, including choosing to be around people we unconsciously know will put us down. So you are saying due to one bad experience you will never ever seek help again. Have you ever eaten something bad and then had stomach upset? Did you then decide to never ever eat again? Have one bad date then decide to never ever date again? Just to point out that basing your entire future on one bad experience isn’t helpful. There are bad therapists. Therapists are people, not robots, they can be flawed. There are also millions of good therapists. Given your history, you need support. Either you gather up your courage and seek it, knowing that finding a therapist might be like dating and you need to be patient until you find one you click with. You have very heavy trust issues so you have to expect not to like a therapist at first. To stick it out anyway. To find someone you feel down the line you might one day trust, then stick it out. Or start by finding a support group or start committing to a serious path of recovery and reading books and seeking courses etc. Or, other option, you can spend the rest of your life enraged and feeling beyond help and like it’s everyone else’s fault. But you are an adult now. You are a powerful person. You have the power to make different choices every single day. You just need the help to have the courage to leave your comfort zone of fury and self pity and make those different choices. But you have to decide that, nobody else can make that decision for you. We think you deserve that, don’t you? Best, HT.
I am the worlds biggest piece of shit. I am a waste of air, I need to give the world one less pollutant i have kids that are now grown they no longer need me. I am married to a man that has never been faithful, I would be replaced the moment I take my last breath. Life needs less pollutants, give the world back what it really needs.
Hi AA, sounds like you need someone to talk to. Don’t hesitate to call a free helpline, that’s what they are there for and there are kind people on the other end. Here’s our list of ones where we are in the UK http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines if you aren’t in the UK, google for the ones where you live. Best, HT.
I’ve always felt like I wasn’t good enough for anyone even my ex . Due to a lot happening over the years especially the past three to four years. Its even worse that’s why I left I’ve always had this feeling that’s why I always try to make others feel comfort and happy I guess you can call it nice guy syndrome. I just don’t want anyone fell the way I did or do, but this being said I’ve met someone new and it felt like they are my savior but even my emotions seems to be to much for her at times. She has also been through a lot but handles emotions much better than I do it seems. I’m really a confident kind of guy just have to be in the correct mindset. Here lately not so much I stay in my head I feel like I can’t move or breathe just have a lot on my chest. That’s why I feel like I’m being to clingy emotionally and physically I need someone to talk to and be with. I need to get my emotions under control and figure what exactly I want. some of these alternatives I’m turning to are not helping and I don’t want to turn to the final alternative.
Hi Cody, what are these ‘alternatives’ you are turning to? Is any of them seeking support? Expecting any relationship to fix you is not only not healthy it’s a sure fire way to implode the relationship and leave yourself feeling far worse. The person who has to fix all this is you, there is no ‘saviour’ except for you. But the good news is that you absolutely have the ability to fix this. But of course doing it alone is hard, and if you knew HOW to fix it you would have already, right? We get that. Therapists don’t fix it for you, they just help you see the inner resources you didn’t know you had, help you put them to use, and then help you realise who you really are behind all this people pleasing, as well as release the repressed emotions and experiences that keep you stuck in cycles of unhelpful behaviour, such as pushing everyone away but then demanding too much/being clingy if you do get near love. (By the way the article talks about attachment. If you use our search bar to find our article on ‘anxious attachment’ we think you’ll understand yourself better). So you are the one who has to fix it, but a therapist can show you how, does that make sense? So look. Reach out for support. This stuff doesn’t just vanish. No relationship or person makes it vanish. It requires the courage to commit to sorting it out. If you read the article you’ll see it discusses a lot of what you’ve been through, and at the bottom it suggests types of therapy that can help. We wish you courage! Best, HT.
And sometimes people do not feel good enough, simply because they are not good enough… and how to deal with that?
Not good enough for what? We have yet to meet someone who is not good enough to be here on this earth, who does not have inner resources, who does not have the potential to help others. We have met a lot of people in terrible emotional pain, or who have done things they are not proud of. But every day we have the right to make different choices. Best, HT.
All my life I have been told that I am not pretty enough, not good enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not anything enough really. And because of that, for a very long time I actually never felt good enough for anything. It also made me very uncomfortable when other people where looking at me for a longer time, because I had to think it was due to the fact that I didn’t look good enough and I am ugly or stupid. I slowly let go of these thoughts, but sometimes they still haunt me.
Hi Alison, well worth booking some counselling sessions over, which would help. Best, HT.
This is my first attempt to fix myself. I am 48 yrs old and never been married. I have a well educated son who is 28 yes old with my high school sweetheart. We separated when our son was 13 yrs old. We were 2 totally different people, we wanted to live different lifestyles and therefore we fought and argued constantly. One day my son said Dad, why do you put up with her? If I was you, I would be gone. He was man enough at 13 to tell me that he was going to be okay with it. He was living with me full time within the first year and he still does whilst working at the hospital and going to college.
Girlfriend number 2 lasted 7 years, she was very good to both my son and I, but I would never let her move in and never asked her to marry me. Eventually our sex life turned into non existent and we parted ways.
Girlfriend number 3,. I met on a dating site. 6 months later she robbed me for 4,000.00 while I was asleep. I had pulled it out of my account to pay for a driveway to be poured. The next morning it was gone out of my center console of my truck.
Now this is the reason that I am seeking help.
Girlfriend number 4 has been with me for the last 4 years. I have been running over the road for FedEx ground, and only home on Sunday and Monday, back out Monday night. She has 2 daughters, one 13 and one 17 that I think of as my own. Keep in mind that I still have my own home and would stay with them at their house during my time home. My son is still living at home. Even though I love my girlfriend and her girls, I would never commit to them financially and anytime that I would get all stressed out about anything at all, I would pack my stuff and go home. I left her and the girls for what she says is the last time back in November. She has since blocked all communication with me and is dating someone else.
I have never hurt this bad about losing a girlfriend. I absolutely love this girl and her children with all of my heart. I have always blamed her for my packing and leaving, when the truth of the matter is ” I am the blame” I have never felt that I was good enough for her and was afraid of getting hurt because of her leaving me. Therefore I would never commit permanently and move in and out. I should have not done that to her and her girls. They deserve so much better and I want to be better. I admit my faults but I am seeking professional help to make sure that this never happens again. Not only am I doing this for myself but also for her and the girls. I will do anything to make us complete again and I need it to be forever. There are no drugs involved in our lives, we are both clean people and have never cheated on one another. I have wanted to marry her for a long time now and never asked because of my own insecurities. Please tell me what I can do to try and fix me. I have another issue with myself that I would rather not write publicly.
Hi there Calvin, there is a lot going on here. Where to start. All things best worked through with a counsellor who can truly get to know you, but we’ll offer a few pointers. First, this idea you have to be ‘fixed’. That is in itself part of the problem. It’s a self perspective that is self perpetuating. I am flawed, I am broken… I will unconsciously continue to make decisions that prove this true… what if you WEREN’T broken? Just… human? Doing your best? Could you even consider what it might be like to extend that sort of self compassion to yourself? Self compassion has been found to raise self esteem http://bit.ly/selfcompassionHT. Second, the idea that you are all at fault for relationship problems. Not possible. Relationships are 50/50. Two people. A woman who dates a man with self esteem and trust issues will have her own issues to deal with, yes? Perhaps she is controlling, demanding, manipulative, who knows… we don’t know anything about her, but we are sure she is far from perfect, note how she has cut you out cold, for example. So you can’t do this to ‘fix’ a relationship. You can only fix you. Any ex partners have to face up to their own responsibility for what went wrong. If they are in victim mode and totally blaming you, well that is their issue right there. We are not saying you didn’t make mistakes. We ALL do. We are saying it’s not possible another person isn’t 50% of the situation. Finally, this is not about the last girlfriend. This is, as you can see, something that goes right through all relationships. It will be a pattern of thinking and relating you learned as a child. So seek help as, yes, you are tired of not being able to trust and want to like yourself and recognise that you are a worthwhile guy with tons to offer, and yes, to stop beating yourself up and constantly feeling worthless when you make mistakes like we all do. But sound like you have a lot to offer. Go to therapy to recognise where these patterns come from and find new ways of thinking and relating that mean you finally stop this endless pattern of choosing relationships where you can’t be fully yourself and to find the comfort, safety, and love we all deserve. But don’t go to therapy thinking it will win anyone back. Especially a woman who has clearly moved on. We wish you courage. We believe you would find therapy very useful, consider reading our article on therapies that help with relating http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy Best, HT.
Thank you for your response, I know that I didn’t tell you anything about her, so therefore you are giving me the basic building blocks to make myself feel better. The truth is that she has never been manipulative, controlling or abusive to me in any way shape or form. She has been the love of my life and I let my own personal problems get in the way of me marrying her. I will be seeking counseling locally here in my hometown. Again thank you for all of the encouragement.
Honestly Calvin we are just being straight up. We would never say something just to make someone feel better, that would be inauthentic. It’s impossible for any human to be perfect, although some do act it, in what is known as codependency, forming their personality around pleasing the other at the cost of being properly honest and authentic. Nobody is perfect. We are all human and flawed. And note sometimes seeing someone else as perfect and ourselves as a big bad problem is actually quite stressful for the other person as they then have to live up to that. Also note that this tendency comes from low self-esteem. It’s a way to beat ourselves up. To put others on pedestals and ourselves down below. To glaze over the reality of the other person’s flaws so we can endlessly blame ourselves. Relationships are a dance. If one person is making messy steps, it’s a guarantee the other is too, somehow. Do seek counselling, and see what comes up! Best, HT.
When I was 4 my father left us to pursue a gay lifestyle and to focus his efforts on a successful medical practice in my home town. My mother never remarried but worked constantly to keep up with with the demands of being a single mother. She worked nights as a registered nurse to support our family and I relied on my older brother to help take care of me. He was only 18 months older but took on the responsibility to cook dinner and wake me up for school in the morning. My parents remained cordial through the years and my father was in and out of my life. My parents only spoke about medicine when they were together because it was all they ever had in common (aside from my brother and me). But I was always happier when they were together and so I naturally gravitated toward a career in medicine. After I graduated from high school I believed that if I went to college and became a successful doctor that I would be happy and everyone would love me, or perhaps that I could prove my worth and unite my parents again and life would be perfect. It was in my second year of college that I realized my grades weren’t good enough to get into medical school and I dropped my classes and suffered with horrible anxiety and depression for 6 months or more. I sought help and started cognitive therapy as well as antidepressant medication. Despite having below average grades I continued to hold on to hope that I would get into medical school and even repeated some of the courses I needed to make A’s in. I prepared as best I could but my entrance exam still wasn’t competitive and I withdrew my application. I instead enrolled into a masters degree for allied health professionals but always secretly planned to go back to medical school. As life went on I got married and had children and my “Dream” of becoming a doctor faded but the depression continued, perhaps worsened. I had difficulty finding any real fulfilment in my work and jumped from job to job over a 10 year period thinking that things would get better at my next job. It wasn’t until my mid 30’s that I decided to reach out for therapy again to help with anxiety, sleeplessness, job strife, and depression. Despite my best efforts and weekly meetings with my counselor I had a hard time trying to figure out what was underneath my mental illness. What was the source of my depression? To anyone reading this it may be obvious, But it wasn’t so obvious to me. In fact it was a VERY hard thing for me to figure out because it wasn’t something I was overtly conscious of. Sure I could blame it on my childhood. But millions of people have had bad childhoods without it causing depression (or so I believed). After three months working with my therapist this strange idea popped into my head; I “wasn’t enough”. I have been telling myself that I wasn’t good enough to keep my parents together, I wasn’t good enough for my mother to stay home at night when I was a little boy. Through high school I believed I wasn’t tall enough, athletic enough, good looking enough, smart enough, enough, enough, enough. Under the depression was a false belief that I was JUST simply never enough. I began to reflect on this idea over and over in my head and recall prior events in my life where I felt anxious or depressed. In almost every circumstance there was this pervasive belief (of not being good enough) that fueled each instance.
I continue to work with my counselor and still battling depression but I think I am on the right track and remain hopeful for the future. Regards.
MA, thanks for sharing this story, it’s so powerful! We are sure it will inspire other readers. Core beliefs are incredible, they are burrowed in our unconscious and can really rule the show, but once we root them out it can be a real shift. If you were enough, what would you actually want to do? Would it even be medicine at all? The other thing that is interesting is that there seemed to be some sort of sabotage going on with getting into medicine school, as you dropped out and withdrew your application as you decided you wouldn’t make it, instead of taking the chance even if you weren’t perfect or the highest applicant you would have made it through… in other words, your unconscious mind was driving you to ‘prove’ you weren’t good enough. Also note how you even managed to convince yourself you weren’t enough to have depression, if that makes sense… by comparing your own childhood to others. Anyway it’s great to hear you are moving forward, therapy can be a longer journey than we imagined, but when the lightbulbs turn on it makes it all worth it. Best, HT.
My dad passed a few days ago. My mom and a few others try to go on about hothead loved me unconditionally, but I know it’s about 60% horseshit. Never been good enough, won’t matter what I do, I will be be good enough for either of them, I won’t go into all the horror stories. But I have spent a great deal of my life wishing for non existence
Hi there D, so when we are grieving, our thoughts get very extreme and we can experience a lot of anger. So go easy on yourself. When we are young it can be easy to see our parents as our whole world. And to base our sense of self off our family. But as we grow up, then that is no longer healthy. We have to form our own sense of self. Who we are, and what value we have, has to come from ourselves, within, regardless of what anyone else, even our family, thinks. We don’t know your age, but we would guess you are a teen. this is the time in life we start to realise we have to soon be independent and can feel enraged at our parents for letting us down. To then lose a parent during this already difficult time of life is hard. So again, cut yourself some slack. It’s okay to have wild thoughts and emotions. But they are thoughts and emotions, not who you are. Who you are is up to you. And it’s something you’ll start to get more of a handle on as you get older and more independent. For now, take it one day at a time. Reach out to those you trust, friends. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, don’t overlook your school counsellor, that is what they are there for. Or dont’ be afraid to call a free helpline, there are friendly people happy to listen on the other end. best, HT.
Very interesting resources here. I’m not sure where to start. I can never understand why I started out with the issues I had very young when seeming I had a great childhood. The things that stand out the most, when looking back. is a father who didn’t tell me he loved me until I was at least in my 40’s. He was my world as a kid, fixing motorbikes and go carts, riding in the cotton trailers but there was always something missing. My mother used to sit me down and have long conversations with me when I very young about how sad she was, how dad didn’t get her birthday/ Christmas presents, etc and how lonely she was. I felt I became her confidant and friend from about the age of 10yrs old right through my teenage years. Sometimes I find myself thinking that I’d lost the mother part of her that all my siblings got. I am the oldest child. I looked for acceptance in males early, anything that represented love, touch and connection. I felt that when I wanted to talk to mum about my deepest thoughts and longings (like she always did for me) that she couldn’t cope, being upset with me. Then, I stopped talking. I was raped at 17yrs and didn’t tell her or anyone for 20yrs. I’m 55 now and after several failed marriages, I have the opportunity to meet someone that doesn’t want to hurt me, loves me unconditionally and I sometimes get stuck in my head that I’m still not good enough…. I know that I am good enough, in my heart but then my head takes over and wrestle with it again.
Hi there Mureau. It’s easy to tell ourselves we had a ‘great childhood’. But sounds like you didn’t feel supported or that there wasn’t room for you to be yourself, just what your parents needed. We can hide behind an idea we had a great childhood as we are scared to make our parents ‘wrong’. But this isn’t necessary. Parenting is hard, and it’s possible they did their best. That is not the question. Nor is it about a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ childhood. A childhood is what it is. The question is whether you got what you needed to be a confident adult who knows how to relate in healthy ways. If you didn’t then you need to process all this pain and confusion and learn relating and confidence yourself. Would you consider reaching out for support in the form of counselling or psychotherapy? We think it could really help. Best, HT.
Need some help please. the fact that I always feel not good enough. It’s starting to affect my work, my married life, etc. I have been married for 10 years now. I have left my wife before. We got back together but it feels always that she will be better off/ happier with someone else. At work, I am always worried that I will make mistakes no matter how hard I try to do my work right. I always feel people around me don’t like me. I always feel inadequate, in every aspect of y life. Please help me to get rid of this feeling!!!
Hi there. Low self-esteem doesn’t just come out of nowhere. It tends to be something that comes from a series of experiences we have had, often in childhood, that create a set of beliefs that live in our unconscious mind and ‘direct the show’, so to speak. So while we can’t wave a magic wand and fix this for you, YOU can fix it. But it won’t be instant. It will take a commitment to yourself and some hard work, learning who you are and how you think and where all your beliefs come from. And the courage to reach out for some support in the form of counselling or therapy. Yes, self help books are great too, but given that this is, as you say, affecting your whole life, then support would be advised. But these things can improve. You might, if therapy sounds overwhelming, want to start with a round of CBT therapy. It’s only short term, it doesn’t dive into your past, it just works on helping you learn how to recognise, manage, and improve your thinking, which then goes on to affect your decisions. It’s helpful for low self-esteem and anxiety. Oh, and in the meantime, try our article, with practical tools for raising self confidence https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/building-confidence.htm Best, HT.
It can be those things yes. But it can also be experiences you go through as an adult. On your job, if you’re always told “you do great work, you actually are doing the job that you aspire to already, but because you don’t have a degree we can’t promote you.” When this pattern follows you though you’ve made changes in your workplace because of feeling less valued…this can leave you feeling your never good enough. How do you get past that? And how is that connected to childhood trauma? I value myself, I know who I am. But what do you do when others don’t?
Hi Sabrina, we can’t tell you the answer to your life, particularly just based on a comment, as we don’t know the whole story. All we can do is ask good questions. What has stopped you from just doing the degree? Is there really no enterprise in the entire place that you live in who doesn’t care or are you basing this on a few experiences and making an assumption as you are upset? What stops you from, say, just starting your own business? (These are just questions to widen perspective, as when we are insulted our perspective tends to narrow). There feels to be a lot of anger here, is that possible? What other things make you angry at the moment if you take a moment to really reflect? It feels like you are fixated on this situation and we would suspect in therapy it would be a bigger, more multi facted issue, but otherwise you might want to do a few coaching sessions with a careers coach who could help you find other perspectives and solutions. Best, HT.
No boys really show an interest in me like they do with my friends which has impacted me even more then usual as I feel ugly and unattractive all the time now too
Hi Macey, growing up can be hard. It can sometimes involve feeling like crap and sad and weird. Our hormones are all over the place, our brains are still growing. It’s okay and normal to have bad days and to want attention and be valued. But it’s not okay to forget that our life is ours, and ours alone. You see here’s the hard truth. This is not about the boys, at all. It’s about you and it’s about low self esteem. Nobody else on this planet can decide your self worth, only you can. And the more we feel we don’t have any, the more others will take the cue from us and decide we don’t. Without realising it we are sending out unconscious signals that we believe we are not pretty or worthy, and we are training those around us to think that, crazy, huh? But think about it. The truth is that it isn’t really about how we look, we all know someone who looks very different, or is far from what is currently considered attractive, who everyone likes. It’s like they have some sort of weird magic, right? They do. This is what it is. They believe they are interesting and worthy and are so busy being themselves they don’t ever even bother thinking what others think, they just get out there and live their best life, do what they love, engage in hobbies, be a good friend to those around them. Long story short, you need to look at where this low self esteem comes from. is there someone you can talk to? An adult you trust, a counsellor at school? It matters that you address this. Otherwise what happens when we are young girls is that the first idiot who comes along who shows up the least bit of attention gets ours, even if he is then mean and horrible. And that means we are left feeling worse, not better. So take the time to work on your sense of self and esteem, it really matters. Best, HT.
I’ve always wondered why in 32 years I’ve never felt like I was enough and I’m not sure my childhood could really be to blame, but it might be a start. I was raised by my father, he initially told me my mom was dead but I remember being about maybe 7 and finally got to meet her. She has been in and out of my life ever since and I never remember having any negative thoughts until one time my mom told me my dad begged her over and over to have an abortion when she was pregnant with me. From there on out, I questioned my purpose and I remember asking my dad if he would rather have had me adopted and I’ve struggled with self harm thoughts ever since. I can’t imagine just that has caused all of the pain and feelings of being worthless all of this time. Fast forward I ended up married at 21, had a daughter, left my husband due to his drug abuse, he and his mother took my daughter from me after I left him, he ended up overdosing and I got her back, I lost my dad (the only constant, the only person I felt I could trust in this entire life) 1 year to the day later, and I was diagnosed with cancer right after. I have since recovered, met someone (who I’ve been with for almost 7 years), struggled with infertility for over 3 years and FINALLY got to have the second child I always dreamed of, and am currently pregnant again but now I’m worried and reverting back to feelings of worthlessness for God know what reason. My now fiance does have a hard time letting go of my past that I was honest with him of and is often angry over a specific individual I slept with so many years ago before I had even ever met him. There’s been many times he’s called me a whore, trash, etc but it’s been a while since he’s done any of that but he has brought up my past with the individual I just spoke about because unfortunately, he is friends with his brother and he pops in on occasion while we are visiting with them and if I could change it I would but I’m truly at a loss as to how to fix something that I can’t change. My fiance is also very sexually driven and has gotten angry in the past if I don’t feel like fooling around even though I did what I did with someone I didn’t care about after a night of drinking all those years ago. I’m just at a loss and wonder if I’m ever going to feel free from the chains of my past, or even if I’m truly worth the air I breathe. Most of the time I feel like im entirely too sensitive for this life and life has been extremely tough when there’s not a soul I can talk to and release some of what I’m feeling because it feels like not only is there no one I can fully trust, but there’s not a soul out there who could even begin to understand me. I’ve tried talking to my fiance about things and he usually ends up angry and thinks antidepressants are stupid and depression is something you make up. I hate feeling so alone in such a big world.
Hi there G. We don’t think you are oversensitive based on this comment (of course we can’t really say as a comment is very limiting and we don’t know you, so this is not a diagnosis). It actually sounds like you are experiencing healthy reactions to unhealthy situations. It’s normal to feel sad and devastated if we experience trauma. It then sounds like your lack of self worth has led to choosing highly unhealthy, destructive relationships that support any negative idea you have about yourself. Not listening to your feelings and worries, shaming you for a past that was outside of your control instead of supporting you for all the inner strength that had you come through it, pushing you to have sexual encounters you don’t want, shaming you for any talk of wanting help with your mental health… these are all serious red flags. We suggest you read our article on coercive control https://bit.ly/coercivecontrolht. In summary, it’s hardly surprising you feel alone given that this is what you have decided is ‘love’. There are millions of souls out there just like you who would understand you but you are the person who needs to understand and support you most of all as you are the one making these choices now, as an adult, that drive you again and again towards despair. You need to reform your ideas of yourself, and of what love is and isn’t. And you really need support. Any counsellor or therapist would understand all of this and create a safe, confidential space for you to slowly begin to build some self esteem. We have an article on how to find low cost or even free therapy here you can use as an inspiration in your search http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. In summary, we don’t think there is anything ‘wrong’ with you. We just think you unconsciously decided that you don’t deserve good things and are stuck in a cycle of choosing a life that hurts and punishes you. You have gotten so used to it you don’t even realise that you have options. You do. You just need help and support to see them. Best, HT.
I’m an 18 year old guy and I’ve struggled with self-esteem/self-worth issues for as long as I can remember. I’m always feeling not good enough and would say I have a very critical inner voice toward myself; heck, I even feel stupid writing this now. I’ve been trying to “learn to love myself” for a while now, and have read a multitude of things from many different areas of the internet, but this negative voice in the back of my head just always seems to persist. The thing I don’t quite understand though is that I would say I had a very positive childhood, and have been fortunate enough not to have to deal with any of the truly tragic examples given in the post.
Anyways, I’m not sure if anyone will actually see this – let alone respond to it – but I figured it could be worth writing down, even if just to give myself some clarity on the situation.
Hi there Y, forget about loving yourself all the time. That’s a thing from the self help movement that has caused more trouble than good. Nobody loves themselves all the time. The human mind is too quick, too changing, and on top of that, most of us don’t really have a solid definition of what love even is or even have the faintest clue. We expect some blissed out wild feeling, which is just a creation of American movies. So try this instead. How about just accepting yourself just exactly as you are. Not liking or loving, but minute by minute accepting that this is who you are, right now. Then learn the fine art of self compassion. http://bit.ly/selfcompassionHT This means treating yourself like you treat your friends. Becoming your own friend. Would you judge a friend for having a bad day? Making a bad choice? Feeling low? So then why the heck judge yourself? if it helps write letters to yourself as if you are are your own friend, or talk to yourself like you’d talk to a friend. Next step – stop thinking you are your thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts. They are static, like a bad radio station, sometimes. They are not who you are. So learn how to hear them then dismiss them. For this we highly recommend a mindfulness practise. It’s easy to learn, but for it to work you have to commit to it each day. but on a good note it’s shown by research to lower anxiety and improve focus and moods. Learn how for free here. http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. As for your childhood, who knows whether it was good or bad, that’s irrelevant really. If you feel low, for whatever reason, your child mind processed some things as traumatic, whether your adult mind agrees or not. We’d highly advise counselling to deep dive on this and get some support to start to get to know yourself better and raise your esteem. If you are on a low budget we have an article on how to find free to low cost counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Finally, you might want to look into CBT therapy. It’s short term and a great starter therapy, and it’s main focus is on helping you gain control over your thinking and turn thoughts from negative to balanced. Best, HT.
i do meet a psychiatrist and a psychologist for almost 4 years, my medication change from one antidepressant to another, then add some antipsychotic, my condition much better than our first appointment, but the ‘guilty’ and ‘not good enough’ feeling never fade away, and always lead me to feel worthless, useless, i feel i am frustrating everyone around me, everytime i feel ‘heavy’ my ocd symptoms become more worse, my diagnosis is OCD with MDD, MDD will worse my OCD till OCD make me tired enough, i’m just tired to feel trapped in a cycle again and again, my ‘guilty’ and ‘not good enough’ feelings not coming from my OCD, but these feelings make me doing my OCD ‘things’, i just feeling helpless and hopeless to be happy.
Hi there, sounds tough. Do you see the psychologist weekly? Have you shared this with them? What was their response? And what sort of therapy does this psychologist offer? Best, HT.
How do you reprogram your mind not think that you are not worthy, I’ve just lost my girlfriend due to it.
Hi Cary, if we had the instant, snap your fingers solution, well wouldn’t we be famous indeed! Low self esteem takes years to end up with, and a commitment to yourself and the path of self development to change. But it’s a worthwhile goal to make so be proud you are ready to step forward and make changes, the journey itself can end up teaching much more than just esteem. Before we go further, we would ask, ‘is that true, though? Did you really lose your girlfriend only over that?’ As in our experience, relationships are ALWAYS 50/50. I mean she was the one who chose to date you when you had issues, right? So then what does that say about her? She has her own darn issues. Blaming yourself is simply a way to make yourself feel worse. You aren’t perfect, but neither was she. You were both humans, and the mix didn’t work out. Try to not just use it as a tool of self torture. Seeing how we need to change to have healthier relationships is a great thing, torturing ourselves for having issues is not. Also note that unworthiness happens to the best of us at times. It’s human to suffer from low confidence. For example, does this unworthiness go right across the board? Do you feel confident at work, for example, but just under confident in love? If it’s mostly relationships that the under confidence comes out, then that is often related to our childhood and the lessons we learned or didn’t learn about relating from the adults around us. Did you read the article fully? Notice what resonated? Getting a handle on the ‘why’ is a good place to start as you need to know the reason you have a problem before you solve it. We have many articles with great tips on here, use the search bar to search for ‘esteem’ and ‘confidence’. As for how to ‘reprogram’ your brain, well, actually, one of the therapies the article mentions, CBT, is a short term therapy which focuses on helping you essentially ‘reprogram’ your thoughts, and it would definitely be a helpful one for you by the sounds of it. Note it requires commitment, effort, and homework. But we think the results are worth it. Best, HT.
I always feel like I’m worthless , useless and a nobody.My family especially my father since childhood has always told me I’m a loser we never had anything in common,no talking and when he does it is only insults .and I start to think everything he said about me being useless is becoming true now that I’m 24 yrs old.im still living in my parents house, have a diploma no job .their is nothing I can offer on the table for my family.My life has always been going sideways since childhood .I can’t have friends or be in a relationship single and lonely cause they always find falts in me.im angry with myself and also sometimes towards other people.the anger just comes and I think I can do something really bad but I try to control myself.sometimes I ask what am I ,why was I born ,like I’m in the wrong place.
It sounds very difficult. But what is happening here is you are trapped in a difficult situation that has given you what are called ‘cognitive distortions’. This is when we believe a reality is ‘true’ when really we are just believing a set of distorted ideas, are making big assumptions, and practicing extreme, black and white thinking. We become so addicted to our negative thinking we can’t see anything but bad. Even if something good fell on our head we wouldn’t see it. Life is not black and white, there are always many shades of grey, but we can’t see that. So look. It’s very hard to feel good about ourselves if someone is always criticising us. Nobody can thrive in this environment. This does not mean that the person criticising us is correct. The reason why you would attract only people who find faults in you as that is what you are doing to yourself. Other people take their cues from us. They treat us how we are showing them we want to be treated. You constantly put yourself down this entire comment is putting yourself down, so this will attract people who do the same. In summary, you need to shift perspective and start to respect yourself. But we do get that is VERY hard to do living with your parents. In an ideal world you need to get out of this household and away from your father so you have a chance to grow up, figure out who you are, develop an identity. You will immediately protest this is not possible as your mind, again, is addicted to only seeing black and white, doom and gloom. Tell yourself that your mind is wrong, and this time, don’t agree with it. Recognise that moving out of their parents home is something millions of people do each year all around the world, they find a way. This might require being creative, and it might mean lowering expectations. Taking a menial job you don’t like for awhile, for example. We don’t know where you live, we do know that poverty can make life really hard, and sometimes there is very little opportunity. But if you have the time in life to have girlfriends, friends, to research things on a computer, we are guessing you are not living in extreme poverty. So then start to be open to possibilities and start to make getting out of that environment non negotiable. Something you have to do no matter what. Then start reading more about things like balanced thinking, assumptions, self compassion, we have articles on all of this, use the search bar to find them. You don’t have to learn to perfectly like yourself in a day or week or even year. You just have to commit to trying, bit by bit. In summary, we don’t think you are at all hopeless, far from it. We think you are in a bad situation and you are depressed, and you never learned how to like or respect yourself. Once you get out of that environment and learn to relate in positive ways and to have self compassion, we are convinced things can change. Another useful thing here proven to help moods and self-esteem is volunteering, helping those less fortunate than ourselves. It can really help shift our perspective and sometimes the contacts we meet through volunteering can be friends, or can help us with job leads. Stay open. Best, HT.
I am 23 years old software engineer. I am always helping others and very joyful most of the times. But, due to the thought throughout my life that I am fat it has affected me alot. Also, when I completed my degree, my parents wanted me to marry a guy and settle but I couldn’t find one to rely on for marriage. Now, I have a very good job as I am independently paying my bills. I was happy and feeling good enough then my younger sister got engaged and is marrying soon and I feel alot of pressure of not being good enough infront of my parents since I have been single since last 3 years.
Hi Hafsa,23 is very young to be worrying about not being married! In some cultures that would be seen as too young to marry, so we are assuming you are not in a Western country but one where there is extreme pressure to please family and marry very young. Always pleasing others can be something we do to tell ourselves we have value if we don’t feel we do, when really the person we need to remember to please and take care of is ourselves (use the search bar to find our article on pleasing others we think you’ll find it very useful). It sounds like your problem with low self-esteem is very deep rooted and goes right back to childhood. Weight issues are a very common side effect of low self-esteem, we turn to food for comfort, or use a larger body size to protect ourselves if deep down we feel the world is a dangerous place. And then our brain gets hooked on food (if you feel you can’t control your eating an amazing practical book far better than beating ourselves up or trying pointless and harmless diets is “Eating Less” by Gillian Riley, using brain science around addiction to create a healthy approach to eating). If you aren’t able to access any form of counselling, which we think would be the ideal, then we’d say there are a lot of great self help books and blogs out there nowadays, and you can still make progress by educating yourself as much as possible on self-esteem and self-compassion, etc. We have many articles this site about confidence and esteem with actionable steps, as well as articles on tools that help like mindfulness and journalling. We’d also suggest you read our article on self-compassion. Sometimes insides our heads we talk to ourselves in a way we’d never speak to a friend, and the more we can change that voice to be at least as nice as we’d talk to a friend the better. In summary, you are very, very young. We know it can feel like you have to achieve everything as fast as possible, or that it makes sense to compare yourself to others like siblings, but try to cut yourself some slack. We all have our own timelines, and some of us come into our own far later, but in a way that ends up being perfect for who we are. You are a software engineer, an intelligent woman who is paying her way, be proud of what you have accomplished and try to enjoy all that you are doing, then trust that other good things are ahead. Also, psychological research points out that we always compare up, which 100% makes us feel bad, and sometimes we need to remember to compare down, and notice all the other people we are doing much better than! Best, HT.
My main question is how do u tell yourself you’re good enough when your whole life has been one tragedy after another and it still continues? I was born to a teen mom who was round about way raped at 17 by a 44 yr old Hungarian Con artist. Then I was locked in a room for hours on end for my 3 yr old brother to take care of me. And to know that my mother was physically abused by my birth grandmother and my birth grandmother was not happy I born.Then at 2 yrs old, I was put in a foster home till I was 6. And my adopted parents, though they did the best they could, there were times they made me feel worthless. I often felt that they only cared for what I did and that decided whether they chose to love me that day. I was relentless bullied and treated less than human at school because I needed extra help to do things. Then I finally barely graduate High School with a 65, went to college but not for long cause I got bored of my program. I only went summer and fall of the same yr. But then my adopted parents and I didn’t get along and it was constant fighting for 3 yrs and it got so bad, I was kicked out and I moved in with my current husband-boyfriend at the time plus his family, we got married 2 yrs later. You would think all is well, umm no! He has a porn addiction to the point he no longer find me attractive. He has almost got himself in trouble with FBI cause a 14 yr old girl tricked him into thinking she was of age, and when he video chatted her t have internet sex and he realize this, he didn’t do anything of course, but her dad found out and threatened to go after him. And I found out about this after the FBI came to our home, but the FBI came to our door for another issue not related to us, but needing info on someone we knew but didn’t associate really with. And this 14 yr old incident occurred while I was sleeping 50 ft away in our bedroom on Thanksgiving of all days!. He refuses to have sex with me, his wife of almost 10 yrs. And when I bring it up, he keeps saying he swears we will fix and we gotta work on it, and he still wants me. And he totally see the problem, but due to his ongoing stomach issues, he’s been refraining-but there are days his stomach is ok. And whenever I try to leave cause I’ve had enough, he follows after me and basically says I can’t take the car cause he needs it for work, so I gotta walk. Then he tells me that I’m his world and everything, but hardly touches me otherwise. And I always say no, u only love me cause u refuse to act like a man and do stuff without me. Which he always deputes. He was for the longest time using lack of sex to punish me cause I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and getting pregnant is impossible and I didn’t want children-but he always wanted to be a father. And yes, this problem was discussed and argued about before marriage-and an agreement was reached, so he was well aware. He’s chatted up woman and called them beautiful, sexy, he wants to make love to them violently all night long, u get the idea.Then he would have the nerve to tell me about the other woman and show me pics of them and tell me about their lives. And since I have told him, I’m sick of hearing about all those other woman he talked to, he now does it more silently, I swear. He spends 1-2 hours in the bathroom, there is no way in crap that is all just going to the bathroom in the morning. Plus he gets angry at me when I get suspicious that he’s up to no good again. I also need times when I can do self care like do girlie things, and he says their stupid cause his mama don’t wear make up or get her nails done,or go shopping much for clothes, nor did they ever have the money for those things, so why should I need those things. I grew up in a better financially stable environment, and his family was poorer than mine, and that matters cause I would want things, and he would often tell me that I want Champagne taste on a beer budget, when in reality, I barely ask for anything. And when I do go shopping, as my parents if you don’t believe me, I almost always shopped the clearance racks or tried to find the best, cheapest deal I could. It insulted me and my parents, and it still does from time to time when I have to tell them they will not speak to me that way. And this also proves how can u feel worth anything, when u no one seems to listen to a word you gotta say. I’m just the person told to sit in the corner of life, by people in life, and shut up, no one cares that I exist or cares what I have to say. I cant hold a job to save my life. And though I am going to therapy, I still feel like my mental health keep deteriorating a little bit each day. And I feel suck and idk where to go. And now trying to accept I’m worth something? Explain to me how.
Hi there Confused. It must be exhausting to be constantly running through this all in your head again and again. You see here’s the thing. If emotional pain is our safety zone, if we don’t know how to be happy or feel good, and our brain is stuck in ‘trauma mode’, we can become addicted to pain. We literally can’t let ourselves see if things go right or what might be going okay for us. Our mind is stuck in the hell perspective. What type of therapy are you doing? How long has it been? Have you gone through all this with your therapist? You are clearly living from a state of trauma and would benefit from a therapy that helps you stabilise and learn to question and change your thoughts, over a therapy just going over and over all the horrible things you’ve lived through which can leave you constantly feeling traumatised. Therapies like CBT, EMDR, BWRT are good for stabilising us if we are in a state of trauma…..we explain more here http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. Otherwise, what matters most is that you feel you can eventually develop a bond of trust with your therapist. As even if your therapist offers another kind of therapy entirely, if you feel it’s a trusting and supportive environment, that can go a long way. As for your question how to think you are worth something, you have gotten the idea of self worth wrong. It is NOTHING to do with what you have lived through, what others think, what you did or didn’t do, what circumstances you are in. The ONLY thing self worth is is a decision. You decide you are worthy. Believe it or not, that’s it. You decide you are worthy and start treating yourself like a friend instead of an enemy and start making decisions based on the idea you have worth and you go from there. Of course that means you have to learn to stop caring what others think and stop telling yourself you don’t deserve to feel worthy because of your past, which is simply untrue. And the funny thing is, the more we decide we are worthy and act like it, the more others start to treat us like we are. In any case, these are things to discuss and work through in the therapy room. Not things to solve overnight based on a comment by someone you don’t know. Therapy is not a miracle. It’s a long term commitment, at times it is tough and boring. But it does help if you stick it out. Best, HT.
Thank you for your blog. I am 64, I never feel good enough. I was raised by a narcisisstic father and a mother who always bowed down to him. She never backed us kids up. I was sexually abused around my 16th birthday by a family friend. I had an affair with a married man at 19, which I am deeply ashamed of but I was so naive. I adored him and he was a few years older than me. He died unexpectedly at 25 years of age. I was devastated and miss him to this day. I married at 24 to a man I didn’t love, to escape my father. I had a premature baby that almost died but for the grace of God. My husband had an affair and we divorced 8 years later. I was raped two years after this. I started another relationship – he cheated and left me penniless. I remarried at 34 and had what I thought was an amazing marriage – friends used to tell me how lucky I was. He cheated on me after 12 years – I believe now, he cheated multiple times before I found out. He left me and our child and we have seen him probably five times in 20 years – haven’t seen him at all in the last 18 years. He’s made no effort to stay in touch with his offspring despite me telling him I will take our child anywhere in the world so that they can see each other. I’ve been on my own since. I feel emotionally numb and have ptsd , anxiety and depression, but I thank God that I’m here for my children.
As I read this my eyes filled with tears. I was molested by 3 family members from ages 5-14. One died in prison 1 I don’t speak to and 1 that is still close to the family because that person was on drugs so the behavior was excused. I had a spouse I was with for 8 years that cheated multiple times and everyone knew but me. He passed away. My 2nd spouse was like something out of a horror film he was so perfect then we got married and he did a complete 180 and told me I couldn’t leave since we were married and he beat me one day because I had to work and so did he but his car wouldn’t start so he wanted to take my car. My next spouse is always yelling at me making me feel inadequate and tells me that I need mental help and he treats me how I deserve to be treated. My heart hurts writing this but I do wonder if I’ll ever be loved appreciated or good enough.
So feeling enough is something only the rich can afford?
You list 7 causes. I match every single fucking one of them.
You detail a couple of therapies, but don’t give any other option.
Therapy costs money. I make minimum wage. Where I live therpy is not covered under health care. And there is no insurance for it. Therapy costs come out of my pocket.
An hour of therapy is $180 to 240. At 15 an hour, that’s 12 to 16 hours of my labour. Actually more, because it gets paid with after tax dollars.
One third of my pay for therapy?
Please: Come up with ways for us to heal ourselves, or heal ourselves mostly. Some combination of books, websites, apps, videos, group sessions.
That makes since reading this kind of opened the door as to why I feel the way I feel but still unresolved. My father left my mom a little bit before I was born my mother told me that we both almost died due to my father immature situations. Growing up my older sibling got all the love attention and support I’ve always felt like an outlast and invisible I was bullied getting called weird from siblings and at school I always defends other kids that were bullied even defended the one that bullied me that was getting bullied. I always wanted to get involved with extracurricular activities in school because I wanted to experience going away to college and find my own path but my family and I was living with an aunt and it made me afraid but she was the one that always drink beer all day everyday she’ll go outside act out and pass out. I had a friend well I thought we all went to her aunt house and she invited her make friend over and he brought two other guys over the one guy I didn’t know picked me up while I was kicking and screaming to get down and asking for help but no one helped they all watched he took me to the room locked the door held me down the window was up two other guys was outside minding their business I looked out trying to get a word out for help but they left the area and the guy continued my so called friend quickly went to her mom and aunt to tell them I had sex they then told my oldest sister and she was pissed I couldn’t get a word out then they ask where did I have sex the friend said at aunt house I got up and left because my siblings never believed me while one of my sister was there and didn’t say or do nothing to help me I was then to myself traumatized and hurt we then moved and I started talking to this guy I thought was into me but he only used me for sex and embarrassed me in front of his family I left. I met a guy at my new high school I fell in love with him he didn’t want to talk to me though but we ended up talking I told him my experience he was pissed and wanted to pull up and fight the guy. Weeks later we constantly seeing Each other everyday on school days and all but before I did anything I did my homework first then got my school clothes out for two days so I wouldn’t have to worry but one day I got home late than usual the next morning I was missing my socks and my mom and I was arguing because I couldn’t find my socks or any socks she said if you stop being out being a hoe you’d have your stuff together I said well I had everything out before I left she said ion know what to tell you but you better not miss that school bus I didn’t miss the bus but my brother was still home my sister left me oh it was pouring down raining my sister left with the umbrella my mom closed the door in my face saying you not coming back in here I don’t care how bad it’s raining gone now I said but uma be soaked and wet when I get to school she said so I don’t care my neighbor who didn’t like me said come on I’ll take you i happily got in the car we got there in time to get on the school bus. Months afterwards we moved a few miles away from we’re we were living my sister then moved a few block down from my mom my sister said nini you can come move in with me my mom agreed I was happy unfortunately I was being used to move in to care for her kids take them to school pick them up fed and bathe them clean up whil my sister went to work and went out with friends and boyfriends we ate baked foods or hot dogs while she came home with red lobster this Friday longhorn etc but I used that freedom to my advantage invited my friends and boyfriends over then things came to an end my friends left me when they found out my boyfriend choose another girl over me I was all by myself depressed my siblings said s they don’t care what happened to me I cried and hurted for months I decided to got to Brunswick job Corp to get away because I failed history and math by 2 points each I attended the practice graduation and my teacher talked in the microphone and said Nichelle you didn’t pass your End of course test you can leave a slap in the face. More to it but that’s good for now
Hello, im a teenager i wouldnt say my life was that tuff but my background is that im from the middle east when i was 11 i moved into africa bc of my fathers job i spent 3 yrs there then i came bck then after a while , i basically dated a guy and i loved him sm and he claimed to love me too , he had an old crush of his lets say her name was lisa , lisa is a very beautiful smart and charismatic , and i always had a problem with comparing myself with other ppl even if i feel good enough i just feel like im faking it to prevent myself from experiencing the chaos of dealing with it , my ex/ bf at the time he was prefect and i felt like im not good enough for him , then we ended it bc of religious issues then he started acting cold towards me then i got rlly sad and then we just cut contact after hving a few talks , after 5 month i find him putting a story with lisa he rlly liked her before , like really and i just wanna know wh he didnt like me as much , wat is so wrong for me that i was a rebound for her like wat did i do to be a rebound like i loved him so much like alot and i don even trust ppl easily but i trusted him he gave me comfort and emotional safety he was my safe place he was so good to me untill the break up and then im a rebound??? i cant stop looking at lisa and comparing myself to her and ust wondering if i will ever be someones 1st priority like she is to him. im sorry ik this isnt that serious but i just wanted to let it out
I was brought up in a very poor home. My parents smoked and my mother did not work till i was thirteen. I was the eldest my father was a plumber and worked.My Mum lost children both monrhs old. I was the one who looked after the other two. I found my little sister dead in the cot.But we got better but my Mum was very strict with me,I could not go out with my friends at school because I had chores to do, When I was older I thought I was ugly because I had buck teeth I asked my MUM to fix them but she said thats the way god made you. I was deeply envoled with the church and girls brigade i became an officer and won duke of edinburgh gold award and queen,s brooch.I meet my husband at 17 I worked in a bank and he fixed cars my mum thought I could have done better.As i was a christian I LIved a clean life. My mum And dad did not like my husband . We stated with my inlaws in spare room. THERE WAS PRESURE I stayed in the room and as I worked all day cooked dinner for my husband. We bought our own food and washed our clothes and cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. I heard my fatherinlaw tell him we had to clean the oven and outside steps and cut down on hot water we paid money for the room weekly.3years we stayed there until we got our own council house. My inlaws did not take an interest on the grandchildren MY DAD HAD WORDS WITH MY INLAWS AND I NEVER SAW THEM FOR YEARS i had a mental breakdown I got it into my head that GOD would send me to hell for all the bad things I had done. I had rows with my IINLAWS TOO. i MEET THEM IN THE STREET UNEXPECTLY I SAID HELLO AND MY MOTHERLAW SAID I NEVER SAW YOU THERE. MR KING MY INLAW SAID CAN WE NOTPUT THE PAST BEHIND US. MY MOTHERLAW SAID I WAS A COMPLETE LIAR ABOUT HER SON BEING LAZY AND ALL I WAS INTERESTED IN WAS MONEY THIS WAS ALL LIES AND i TOLD THEM I WAS NOT TALKING IN THE STREET ABOUT THESE MATTERS MRS KING WALKED AWAY AND i told MR king if we could come and she them privately in their home Just phone us no call came They are both dead now and I hope they rest in peace, I still CANNOT SLEEP I WENT TO SEE THEM OF THEIR DEAD BEDS AND HELD THEIR HANDS BUT i COULD NOT SAY SORRY I DO NOT NO WHY BUT I HAD MY PARENTS FEELINGS TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT BECAUSE THEY HAVE HELP ME CONSTANTLY WITH THE KIDS .AS GRAHAM DID NOT EARN ENOUGHT THEY LOOKED AFTER MY CHILDREN TO KEEP THE HOUSE GOING. THEY ARE DEAD NOW I AM OLD
do you think I was unforgiving to my inlaws I had my parents to think about too thanks
please send me a reply
I hope to hear from you as I am so afraid that I did the wrong thing with my inlaws thanks for listening
Hi there my name is Isaac, and for a while I feel like I’ve been completely worthless. Ever since I was 12 all I ever wanted to do was have a family and kids once I grew up. Now I am 20, about to be 21 in a few days but whenever I look around me, I see people who are living that dream that I can never reach myself. When I was in high school there was this girl I liked, her name was Katie. When I met her at a Track Meet I had a crush on her, and I had talked to her a few times thanks to my friends before I left, but then when I left I felt depressed since I didn’t have a phone or a way to contact her. The next day my aunt went to pick me and my cousin up and my cousin told me that she was asking on her social media if anyone knew who I was. I was excited because I thought that maybe she liked me. At the time I didn’t have a phone so I asked my cousin if she could text her for me, and she agreed. Afterwards, I would draw her little notes and write her poems every few weeks so she would know that I still cared for her. Then after some months, my mother got me and my little brother a phone to share. After some time I gave her my number through my cousin and I would send her stuff every few days. At first she’d respond but after awhile it would be days, sometimes even weeks before she’d answer. I’d ask her if she still even wanted to talk to me, and she said she was busy and that she would as soon as she could. This happened twice. When it was time for cross country season again, I would see her with some people but I would barely have the chance to talk to her. During the the regionals meet I gave her a stuffed animal elephant and she gave me a hug. (That was the most pda I’ve ever gotten from anyone, even till now) I loved her so much even though she’d barely talk to me. Eventually we got to December and the same thing happened where she wasn’t texting me anymore, but when I talked to my cousin she told me that she was always on instagram. So I asked her on text if she liked me and she said that she had a boyfriend and that she was sorry that she didn’t know that I saw her that way. I cried for a week. I liked her on-going for 8 months straight and just for it to be nothing. I felt hurt but I still had hope that I could find someone in the future. Eventually a couple of years passed and covid hit. Everything was locked down. One day I saw my little brother playing games with his friends on discord. I thought it would be fun to try since I had nobody to talk to. So I joined a few servers until I found one for a game I was playing called Minecraft Dungeons. At first I was just meeting with a few people but I met one person that would become one of my closest friends for a long time. Her real name was Liliana but she went by grim on the app. At first we would just play on Minecraft servers together, and then we eventually started sharing stories about our lives with one another. We had never seen each other but she grew fond of me. She told me one day that she liked me, and at first I was skeptical because I thought she was playing a prank on me, but eventually I caved in. We started sharing texts about how our days went every day, and anytime she wanted to talk or play games I would drop whatever I was doing to spend time with her. She was my best friend, she knew me better than any one I knew in person and she understood me better than anyone. I loved that she always asked me how my day was going and if I was doing alright. She lived in Louisiana and I lived in Texas so we thought that maybe one day we could meet and get together. One day she asked if I could send a picture of myself, and she sent one of herself. I hadn’t met her in person but the picture she sent was one that made me think she was more beautiful than I ever could’ve imagined. Of course we were both still in high school, she was only one grade under me. I sent her one back and she complimented me too. Eventually she would go on to telling me how the human body worked and how nice it would be if we were together. We would send pics of ourselves to one another every few months and we would always text each other as per usual. Then that dreaded week happened in April that I’ll never forget. By this point I was already in my 2nd year of college, and she suddenly stopped texting me. I asked her what happened but she wouldn’t respond. My birthday passed by and she never responded then either. After a few weeks she went back to talking with me but then she sent one last photo of herself. It was very skimpy and I kinda questioned why she was sending me borderline nudes. Then she said that she had made a friend in one of her classes and that she was going to hang out at her house. I didn’t think much of it, but for some reason the photo had a link to it. So I clicked the link and it brought me to a sex cosplayer website. I grew very concerned and I kept spamming her messages about what was going on. She then answer that her “Behind” was hurting a lot since she was having “fun” with the other girl. I was upset and I felt betrayed because not only had she left me but she was lying about something else. It didn’t take long till she answered back the next day and she told me that the photos she sent of herself were all of other people, but that she did like me at first, she just lost her feelings with me after thinking that the distance would be too much and she moved on. I was upset at her lying, but also the fact that she would leave when I wanted to be with no one else and remain loyal. After that we stopped talking for awhile, we both got over it for some time but it was never the same. After that we talked less and less until the point where we don’t even message one another anymore. About a year had passed and I didn’t know if I could ever be loved by anybody since everyone seemed to have a boyfriend already or they were just lying to me. In the fall I started getting feelings for one of my co-workers after she was flirting with me for a bit. It made me feel special since no one has ever made me feel like that in person. Not only that but she would make funny accents that we would speak to each other in and she would rub her legs against mine when we were sitting down. What I didn’t know at the time was that she was seeing 2 people, her ex and a new guy she had barely met. When she started talking about it I started feeling hurt. I hadn’t told her how I felt but she would talk about how she would see this one person and the other person would get jealous. And then how her ex was seeing the guy she was with’s ex. It was a whole mess and all of that drama along with the way she was acting had me irritated. I wondered how someone could treat another person that way. One night we had to glaze some pottery for a sale that we were having later that week and I had told her that I had feelings for her but that I didn’t like what she was doing. After that she walked out but then she got a call that her dad was in the hospital. At first when I heard her walk in I thought she was going to pretend that she was hurt about how I felt but when I saw how much she was crying I said it was ok if she left to go tend to her dad. I stayed that night till almost 2 am glazing the pottery by myself. Sometime after that she came in to work and she said she was sorry about the way I felt towards her. She said that she would work on herself and that she would stop skipping work so much. So I agreed with her and she did as she said she was going to do. Long story short she got back with her ex and is happy again. Her dad did pass away too which was sad but she’s done with that stuff now. She also has been a lot more responsible than she was and I commend her for that. After that all had happened I really wondered if I’d ever find anyone to care about. For a long time I didn’t feel anything special for anyone. Then This semester (The Present) I met a girl in my science class that I liked a lot. I was too shy to talk to her though, so on Valentines Day I dropped her a bag of donuts at her desk. My heart raced when she seemed happy about what she had received but I was too shy to talk to her after the fact. The next week went by and I asked her if she liked the donuts and she said that it was very sweet. I was so happy, I thought that maybe she could be the one. I thought about asking her if we could go eat lunch or dinner together but I thought it was way too soon. And then we come to today. I was on instagram and I was just scrolling through. I saw a post of someone that vaguely looked like her, so I clicked on the page and it only had 1 post but 4 saved stories. So out of curiosity I clicked one of the stories and yeah it was her, but I saw that she had a boyfriend as there was a picture of a guy kissing her. At that point my heart sank and I got off of the app immediately. I know how wrong it would be to go after someone that already has a person they love as I felt that same way when Lily left me for another woman. At this point I really can’t take it anymore. I feel like I have no reason to live, no reason to go on. My life has just been heartache after heartache with nothing to look towards. Every time I like someone they’re either already taken or other things end up happening. I know I’m just 20 and that people will say “You just have to wait for the right one”, but honestly I don’t know if I can wait anymore. Im doing a suicide prevention poster for my Type 2 class but honestly I really do think about just getting a rope and hanging myself or running away and starving myself to death where nobody can find me. I hate feeling this way, but I also hate seeing everyone else get to live a dream that I’ve been chasing for almost a decade now. I hate myself for not being able to be love, and I hate myself for not being good enough for anybody. I’d consider myself lucky if I’d still alive after spring break…
my problem is that my subconscious is so much more powerful than my conscious. I am qualified in mental health but I have no idea how to solve these problems that have made me have a breakdown twice in my life. The problem is I cant get over my past and my subconscious view of myself shapes my life no matter how logical I am in my conscious and I will never be good enough. And I am not good enough for myself let alone anyone else. Relationships are obviously a complete no for me- never had a successful one or one that has lasted more that 6 months- I’ve never had a real one. There’s only one person in my life that I trust to be myself with and the rest- all my friends that seem to want to spend so much time with me I could never be myself with them because it would be a complete (TOTAL) embarrassment. I am too exhausted now putting up this mask I just can’t do it anymore and quite frankly I don’t want to talk to any of them (only that one person). I can see from the outside that I am successful in many areas of my life and this is how people see me. But I know in myself that even if I became the most successful person in the world I would never be good enough even for myself. I am a logical person but I have tried and I am no match for my subconscious it is much stronger than me what do I do? When I say I can’t get over my past I mean later in my past but I suspect that this subconscious view stems from well before then. I feel like there is such a never ending a pile of dog poo (trauma………) to work through.
Hi. I resonate with this article quite a lot. People praise my work and to me it’s never enough. When they don’t take interest in it, I am a bit pained. I find myself searching for attention on my achievements and I hate it so much. Why can’t I see, nor believe in, my own self-worth?.. The qualities that I display, in being and in acts?.. I feel broken and incapable, lacking a sense of completion, wholeness and coherence, and this affects my being to the core.
I envy certain people whom I feel have the mastery of their domain. I long to be at this level of capability. It drives me on long journeys of exercise and problem-solving. Yet when I see that it does not pay off as fast as I want I can’t help but feel envious. And concentrating on my qualities isn’t helping much. I really resent myself for not being able to meet the standards I set for myself and for this behaviour because it is an ugly side of me I don’t want to show to the world.
I’d like to see the sunlight again, to feel that I am enough, that I do enough for this world. That can only come from within and I have no clue what to do break those false beliefs about myself. One moment I could feel rather good about myself, the other I wallow in self-loathing behind the mask of envy.