Forgive and Forget Hard? 12 Reasons Why You Can’t Move On
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
May 10, 2023
by Andrea M. Darcy
Who hasn’t at some point advised a friend or loved one to just ‘forgive and forget’?
And yet when it’s our turn to be the forgiver, it can be a different story.
Why is it that forgiveness is so much easier said than done?
Do we have to forgive others?
Yes, research shows that forgiveness has a lot of benefits. For example, a study on female survivors of emotionally abusive relationships found that ‘forgiveness therapy’ led to less anxiety and depression, better decision making, and a greater ability to manage emotions.
But sometimes what we want to forgive really is a big ask.
Difficult things can happen, and in such cases it’s best not to be hard on yourself if you can’t move on and forgive. There is no rule that we have to forgive everyone. Sometimes the best we can do is work to find acceptance, and seek the help of a professional if that is a struggle.
But other times we can’t forgive because we simply have yet to recognise the pattern or the self-deception we are stuck in that is stopping us from letting go.
12 Reasons You Can’t Forgive and Forget
See if one of the reasons below is holding you back from forgiving and forgetting for once and for all.
1) You aren’t being honest with yourself about the real cause of your hurt.
We can convince ourselves we are mad at someone for one thing, when really we are upset about something entirely different. We won’t forgive a sibling for not coming to our party, when really we are secretly furious they insinuated our marriage wouldn’t last.
The first one is easier to be mad about, but to forgive we have to admit what we really need to let go of.
2) You’ve attached your current upset to bigger upsets from the past.
When someone does something that hurts us it can trigger older, deeper pains.
Without realising it we can engage in the ‘snowball affect’. We unconsciously layer the new hurt to the old hurt, until we are facing something too big and overwhelming to forgive and forget.
For example, if our partner leaves us, we can experience feelings of rejection that can pile on top of unresolved experiences of abandonment from childhood. Soon enough we think we have to forgive our partner for thinking we aren’t worthy of love. When really all they did was leave an adult relationship that was no longer serving a positive purpose.
That’s why therapy is so wonderful at helping us forgive. It can help us separate past hurts from present hurts, as well as stop us recreating patterns of pain that put us in a position of needing to forgive in the first place.
3) You have mistaken forgiving someone with accepting what they did.
Forgiving someone involves finding at least a modicum of compassion for the other party and their choices. It means allowing yourself to process and heal the hurt their actions have caused you.
This does not, however, mean that you condone what they did. You can disagree with their actions and still let go of your hurt.
4) You are scared that if you forgive someone you’ll be made vulnerable.
Feeling angry can make us feel ‘tough’, and can be like an armour keeping away more hurt.
But not forgiving someone leaves us replaying a painful situation in our mind until it erodes our sense of worth. This actually leave us more vulnerable in the long run.
Think of the last time you were furious with someone. How did you feel when you saw them? In all likelihood you felt threatened and very shaken.
But then think of how you felt years later, when all was water under the bridge, and you had let go or resentment. Did they then have any power over you at all?
5) You are addicted to the benefits of having a grievance.
Not forgiving someone allows us to feel sorry for ourselves, and to gain the attention of others for what has happened to us. That attention can be like a drug we want more of to make ourselves feel better and wanted.
Forgiveness requires being able to let go of our victimhood and realise that we are ready for the better benefits of moving on. It means being ready to feel powerful and choose good things for ourselves.
By: Roni Amin
6) You think that to forgive someone you have to talk to them.
Forgiveness is about you, and how you feel about something and someone, not how they react to how you feel.
The other person doesn’t have to know anything about your decision. In fact if we want forgiveness to involve a confrontation, we often aren’t ready to forgive at all, but are still looking for more drama.
7) You are scared of the emotions that might rise up if you try to forgive.
Forgiveness can be similar to the process of grieving, full of ups and downs.
But repressing sadness and rage has long-term effects that can be even more difficult to deal with. So it is definitely a case of the sooner you allow your feelings out and start letting go the better.
8) You don’t trust that if you forgive someone they will forgive you back.
Forgiveness is not a guaranteed two-way street. Often, by letting go of something, we do naturally affect others around us, but sometimes it doesn’t work that way.
And if we think that we are forgiving the other person ‘for their sake’, then it is not really forgiveness at all. It’s a form of control that puts you in the place of superiority, rather than the place of compassion true forgiveness requires.
9) You need to forgive yourself first.
Forgiving the other person usually entails taking responsibility for our part of what happened.
If, for example, our child gets in trouble with the law, we might be scared to forgive him, as it would mean we’d have to forgive ourselves for perhaps not being as available to our child as he needed.
The wonderful thing is that when we do forgive ourselves for the choices we made that led us to be hurt by another? We often spontaneously forgive the other. Start with you and see what happens.
10) You think that if you forgive you have to forget.
Our experiences of being wronged or wounded in life show us our own values, and earn us our personal strength. If we try too hard to forget what happened we might find ourselves just repeating a similar painful scenario down the line.
Forgive the other, and forget the pain with time, but hold on to those learnings.
11) You simply aren’t ready to forgive.
Although in an ideal world we’d just ‘decide’ to forgive someone, and then, voilà, we just let go and move on? The heart has its own timing. Again, if you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready, and we don’t have to ever forgive if it doesn’t feel right.
Keep focussing on ways to move forward and be good to yourself, and let the moment of forgiveness come of its own accord (or not).
12) You are trying to reach a destination that doesn’t exist.
Although in the western world we like to see forgiveness as a sort of destination we can reach with enough determination on our part, the truth is that forgiveness is a process.
It takes time, it has ups and downs, and it is a long-term commitment. Even if we do forgive, a few months down the line we can be triggered by something we see or hear, feel pain again, and have to recommit to forgiveness.
Having trouble forgiving someone and it’s bringing you down? We connect you with some of London’s highest rated therapists. Or use our booking site to connect with UK-wide registered therapists and online counsellors you can work with from any country.
Want to share you own experience of learning to forgive and forget with other readers? Use the comment box below. Note we do not provide professional therapy via comments, but are happy to answer questions about the article.
Andrea M. Darcy is the editor and lead writer of this site. An ex screenwriter turned mental health writer who has penned thousands of articles, she has done training in person centred therapy and coaching.
Recently me and my colleague has fell out but I can’t forgive her , but the reason I can’t is because I’ve fallen for her and if I forgave her my feelings for her would come back and I don’t want that to happen I don’t think
Sometimes we need to do what we need to do to protect ourselves, and we forgive when we are ready. Of course in this situation you have to work together, which makes things tricky. On the one hand, it would be great to have an honest talk, but letting her know you like her when you work together might cause troubles for both of you. So it becomes about doing your best to put the situation behind you and being kind to this person, and then forgiving when you feel ready.
My husband cheated on me for over 6 months I caught him through text. He admitted it, begged forgiveness, changed his number his attitude his whole routine to show me he is seriously sorry…it’s been5 months and I’m still angry and think about it almost daily.. I really want to forgive but I trusted him and believed in him for 17 years and I’m just so hurt..
Gosh that is terribly hard. Being betrayed is never easy. Perhaps allow that it will take quite a long time to find peace again – 6 months is no time at all. Having our trust broken can be a process a bit like mourning. It comes in waves. We mourn what was (or what we thought was). It’s an idea to seek counselling – it’s a big life change and sometimes it is extremely helpful to have a completely unbiased support system available. Couples counselling is another idea, but there is something to be said for just taking care of yourself first – an figuring out who you are after all these 17 years.
I fell out with one of my friend in uni. It was a group assignment he made a big mistake he paid someone to do the assignment. We all got done for PLAGURISM. Then we attend the meeting held said to one other group member he’s not gonna say anything is he that made me angry when I know the whole truth. I’m still angry now I sent him some bad messages to him because the way he treated me and the others I never forgive you.
It’s understandable you’d be very angry. Perhaps in time, you can see that he must certainly not be a very happy or confident person to be acting in such a ways, and that people like that do things not out of a desire to upset other people, but because they use drama and deceit to avoid their own inner pain. So it’s up to you whether or not you want to forgive him, but one day maybe you can feel sorry for him which can be a good starting point.
I had a row with my brother 18 months ago because he got abusive when he was drunk. It resulted in a massive rift between my sister and brother because she accepted his behaviour whereas I didn’t. Then he died suddenly as a consequence of his lifestyle. through this death I met with sister and wanted to just move on from it, but even though she wants to sit down and clear the air, there is a caveat where she wants to say how it was my fault and how bad I made her feel. She is still punishing me 18 months after the row by saying my brothers friends have priority over me as far as funeral dates are concerned. I feel she just wants to lash out at me again and keep punishing me for not accepting my brothers behaviour. She even blamed me for a row she had with my brother when I wasn’t even there and hadn’t seen or spoken to them for 18 months because she blamed him for the rift but now says it wasn’t his fault, it was mine.
I was with my ex gf for 4 yrs and fell in love her 3 young kids as much as I did her. 3 months ago she flipped some switch and broke up with me after she didn’t come home. She has not once been willing to talk about our relationship at all or admit any faults. I want to get rid of the anger I have towards her but her continuing to drink 4 nights and closes the bar down each night continues to scratch st the wounds that her drinking caused Initially. I’ve been thru breakups before but never one where my partner didn’t ever cry or hug me or genuinely show that she was remorseful for the pain she deliberately and continually causes. I have this childish urge to want her to suffer some type of consequences. I lost my house, my gf/future wife (I thought I would marry her)and her 3 kids who I love like my own. She has not lost anyhting except me which is what she wanted. Her life hasn’t changed except I’m not there to tell her she needs to stop drinking. I just hsve so many questions about how she can be with me for 4 years and not cry when we break up. Or hug me???! I’m sure I sound like a complete wimp but it has hurt me worse than I thoguht possible.
Gosh, how hard this must all be for you. Families are really complicated things, and losing a loved one is even more so. It sounds like your sister is mourning in her own unique way, which sadly involves pushing people away and blaming and being inconsistent. Is there any way you could accept she’s not ready to move on just yet, is going through a hard time, and give her some space, and spend the time looking at your own feelings and needs for now? Sometimes time is needed, especially after a loss. And it sounds like you have a lot of grief of your own right now. Go easy on yourself, take care of yourself, and in time, things will shift.
You don’t sound like a wimp. You sound like a human being who really wants to be loved. But here you are, so worried about her and her needs, and what she did right and wrong… you are getting lost in the fray. Your thoughts are overtaken by her instead of your own wellbeing. Have you heard of the term ‘copdendency’? It’s where we are so obsessed with helping others and making them happy we lose sight of ourselves, and eventually we turn angry and controlling. It’s a term that comes from the patterns of behaviour seen in partners and spouses of alcoholics. We think you’d find the book “Codependent No More” a useful and eye opening read. You might want to consider looking for a free support group in your area for partners of alcoholics, Al-Anon, where you will meet others who understand exactly what you are going through. Hope this helps!
I recently caught my wife cheating on me through a whats app chat made available to me by a friend. I am really failing to forgive her completely though we are back together. Please help.
It’s very hard to experience betrayal, and takes a lot of time and communication if you are to ever get back on track. So if it’s recent, don’t expect to forgive her completely. Work with your own emotions around it, and work to make sure you are both communicating. Pretending it never happened doesn’t work. It’s a very good idea to see a couples counsellor who can assist you both to communicate without attacking each other, and can help you both decide what you now want to happen moving forward.
I, met my ex husband when i was 15 .. I had my daughter and he raised her as his own till she was nine and a half. We were together for almost 10 years. He was good to me .. He worked hard and showed me a lot he was eight years older than i was.. We had a good relationship we also concieved my second daughter. I was happy.. But then as time went i started getting depressed.. I gained a lot of weight .. And i wanted to move out of the state we was in or atleast to another town. But he fidnt want to because of his job.. i begged him to move but he wouldnt.. He got so obsessed with work .. It seemed like we didnt even have time for eachother.. I probably stopped trying and in my depression i found online someone else … I started to fall inlove with his words and his kindness .. and his complimentz .. but i believe it was mostly because my life had become a routine .. Every day was the same thing for 8 years .. He would leave 5am till 9 or 10pm.. Eat dinner , shower and bed.. On weekends he worked saturdays same times .. and Sunday we would get up early .. maybe go to church .. Go grocery shopping, to the laundrymat, and maybe eat out and go home … I got so tired and depressed .. all i wanted was for him to find the balance between work and us.. But he didnt.. So i decided i was leaving to pensylvania .. with my mom.. I started to feel alive again.. Its obvious that i hadnt had a childhood since i had a baby so early.. I finally met my online friend and i felt so happy.. While i knew this that i had done had made him suffer a lot… And i was so happy with the new guy at the moment i didnt really care.. Then two months after i had left i found out he was with my cousin.. I shattered inside .. I felt like i was dying inside it hurt so much … I couldnt handle it and i decided to go back to CT were he was and try to take back my family.. But it was too late … He had gotten her pregnant.. Then it was worst cause i tries and tried to get him back but nothing worked … Time passed and i decided to go back to PA and i suffered and cried myself to sleep i was so depressed for a long time .. After a year and a month after there son was born i got pregnant of the guy i met online.. Witch is now my sons father .. But he abandoned me 3 months after the baby was born.. Sometbing else that broke me more inside.. But i never gave up and just fought through… after a while i started dating again.. And going online .. my son was 2 yrs old .. and i met my now Husband .. I moved to NC , I remarried , Ive been blessed since i moved here I got my lisence and a job and i bought a house etc. it has been great … And like every marriage or couple everyone got there problems .. But we have managed to past through them.. So this passed.. All this time i had blocked my cousin and my daughters father out of my life completely .. I didnt want to know anything about them to avoid feeling that hurt again.. So this passed May .. He texted for my daughters birthday after over three years .. And after a few words i decided to let him talk to my daughter … But then he wanted to facetime and wanted to get more involved and my cousin also and she wants me to be like almost her best friend .. Thry are now married and have two kids together .. and although evrything is great…. All my feelings and my hurt came back seeing how everything i wanted him to do with me hes doing with her .. And yes im jelous .. of that because if he would have done the same with me .. We would have never had to go through this pain.. I try to be strong .. But its so hard trying to just play along.. Trying to let things go .. I was fine before he came back in our lives .. My biggeat problem is .. That I have to live with this for the rest of my life ..Because were cousins and because now his kids are my daughters brothers.. Ive tried everything to let it go .. But i belive this is to hard for me to do on my own.. Please Help.. This is affecting my marriage now..
This is an awful lot of things to have been through. Anyone would feel confused and overwhelmed and perhaps angry and bitter too. These are all perfectly normal reactions to difficult situations, even if we do make some of the decisions that cause them. So the first thing is to try not to judge yourself and to have as much self-compassion as possible. Give yourself some credit for making it through all this, and try to see how strong you’ve been and that you did the best you can in the moment. Then do try to seek support. Seek someone to talk to about this all. Can you reach out to a counsellor in your area? If you are on a budget, look at our piece on low-cost counselling. As you said, this sort of thing has a domino affect, it will affect your relationship. Counselling really can help. We wish you well with it!
My husband gave me an ultimatum that we live with his parents after marriage and move out if we are unhappy. It was the worst 5 yrs of my life. We have moved out due to work however I still replay how I was treated but his parents over and over and get furious. I have become a prisoner in my mind. Can you help please?
Hi Neri, that sounds really hard. And it might feel even worse if you didn’t feel anyone was on your side. This sort of experience, especially five years of it, can leave a backup of really big emotions. We’d suggest you do your best to talk to a counsellor if at all possible.
I’m having trouble forgiving two people in my life. About 2 years ago my relationship of 8 years fell apart, and I had to re-establish myself as an individual. It was a difficult time, where I had to have emergency surgery and also got involved with a man I fell for who subsequently left me for someone else on a dating app after he visited me in hospital, took me on holiday, and spent 2 months seeing me regularly. It was really tough. Around this time I had a best friend who came to visit London. Although living in different continents, we have been friends since leaving high school (about 13 years). She’d always come visit if she was passing by and I’d happily host her. I was her bridesmaid at her wedding and knew her before she met her husband. I noticed about 3 years ago she started distancing herself, we wouldn’t talk that often and I just attributed it to the distance. 2 years ago when she was visiting we went out on a trip together, this was a few months after my relationship ended. We had a good time and stayed in touch. But again, I noticed that she started getting upset with me, I was having a really difficult time and she snapped at me once implying that if I wanted to I could change things for myself – as my ex was wanting to get back together with me and she didn’t approve of him. Our communication slowly became nonexistent and she did apologise 10 days after over message, I didn’t think much of it as I could understand the frustration. 1 year ago she messaged me to say she was coming through london and wanted to meet for lunch, we organised loosely to meet but as someone else was organising it, I didn’t know where I was going until 1 hour before. I was also under the impression that we would be meeting us two to chat as I hadn’t spoken to her in almost a year. I found out this was not the case, that she had been staying with another friend of hers and had actually met many other people she barely used to speak to or didn’t make time for. Yet she did not have the time to see me, especially after everything that happened. I was hurt. There was a mixup in the messages the night we were supposed to meet and she had no internet so I had no idea where to go in the end. So I never went. Then I got a bunch of messages over the next couple of days – technology to blame. she also received my message asking where to go and what was up that we should talk. She was in the UK for 2 weeks and never even bothered to pick up the phone to call me. I waited patiently. I felt like such a fool. The day she was due to fly back I sent her an email to tell her how I felt, that I wish she’d call me given we didn’t manage to meet up – just at least to talk to me. That I felt that we were drifting apart, and that she was important to me. But that I respected her decision if she felt she had more important matters or people to attend to. But that I was hurt and upset because I considered her my best friend. She replied, agreeing that yes there was distance and we should both make an effort. She said she’d call me when she got back. She never did. I don’t even haver number. And I haven’t heard from her since. She’s fallen off the face of the planet. I cut contact and removed her from Facebook. It’s the worst thing ever. I just can’t seem to get past it. I have no answers. I feel like I haven’t done anything wrong. All I ever did was want to meet my best friend one to talk and have a good time. Instead I feel like a burden and a waste of space. Like an annoyance, an afterthought. How can people be so cruel??
Around the same time, I had an argument with my sister who was disagreeing with how often I visited my mother. Apparently my mother had been discussing her feelings of abandonment with her and she took upon herself to send me the message. This was while I was recovering from surgery, without a fiance and alone in a country without my family. It was terrible. I didn’t understand it. I moved past it and went to the home for Christmas. My mother couldn’t be there unfortunately so it was only us 3 sisters. We got into an argument , it was already difficult as she was upset I couldn’t go home sooner for Christmas due to my work. She just didn’t understand. So one stupid thing tipped things over the edge and she went absolutely mental. Screaming. Didn’t speak to me for the remainder of the holiday and didn’t even say goodbye when I left. Over the next 8 months she wouldnt speak to me, only to send me venomous hate mails or messages that I wasn’t allowed to speak to my mother about how I felt about what was happening between us. The past few months we have been speaking, she is now in London but we have not seen each other. I cannot forgive her for the way she treated me with no consideration to what I was going through at the time – essentially a divorce and major surgery in a foreign country. We have met few times this year when she was visiting but in the company of her fiancé and the interchange is at best like a colleague at work. She believes she’s in the right and that she’s doing me a favour. In one of her venomous messages she cited things from our childhood, things completely irrelevant to today and completely in the past. She is convinced that I see her a certain way, and it’s complete lies. And I cannot reason with that. I feel our relationship is ruined. I only have my mother and that is not really the closest relationship either. She blames me for not being there with her to support her after my father died, I was only 20 years old and was trying to process things myself. She used me as an emotional crutch for years. But since my sister was there in the flesh, because she decided that living at home was a more comfortable easier way to live than trying to make a living for herself (I moved out when I was 17 and never went back), she has always been the ‘good’ one. When I visit it’s all about them, it was a nightmare for years, she was territorial in the family home and I felt completely displaced.
I am now back with my ex-fiance, that’s another story, but I feel that the past 2 years have been a complete tragedy where I’ve lost my best friend, my sister and another ‘friend’ who was complete nightmare (I actually ended things as she had serious anger issues and expected me to be there for her at all hours regardless of anything – she’d throw a tantrum, disappear, want forgiveness and then come back in my life only to do it all again – she did it to me twice and this was the third time, so I had to cut ties). She also came to the hospital to be with me a few times, and then when she wasn’t happy with something I did, she proceeded to throw it in my face saying that she was doing me a favour and that she wasn’t my carer. It was actually terrible (among the other things she said). I have forgiven her, as I always have done as I can see she’s troubled and in denial. It’s sad for me as well but I cannot get sucked into the drama she seems to enjoy so much. So i have made my peace with it and I actually wish her well.
But I don’t know what to do with the other two. I feel emotionally traumatised. Since everything happened a year ago I have been waking up with severe anxiety. I can’t sleep properly. I think about these things on and off all day. I feel like there’s no safe space in the world with anyone anymore. That people have become so selfish and self-centred, they don’t value friendships or family and cut people off because it’s easier to do that than actually have a frank conversation about things that annoy them. I really feel that I can’t trust anyone, and I block myself from making new bonds. I seem to only attract people who are clingy, needy and unstable (cannot deal with conflict and ice people out) or are just completely unavailable and don’t initiate contact unless I do (which gets absolutely tiring). At this point I’m feeling it may be better to accept a life of superficial connection but interior solitude. I just do not know if I’m being dramatic or if things are just difficult with people lately.
I was in a long distance relationship for 5 years. There had been a couple of incidents of unfaithfulness on my partners part which he admitted to. We worked through that and tried to rebuild trust. I eventually moved to his town as I believed this relationship was moving forward in the right direction. Full trust was not there yet but it was improving. After a year we decided to see a counsellor to find ways to heal that trust and he decides to drop a bombshell that it wasn’t a couple of times and that he in fact had a steady girlfriend for at least a year. I was devastated. We tried to work past that but I am finding it difficult to let it go and believe that it won’t happen again. He blames his behaviour on his divorce and being dumped by his ex wife and the distance in our relationship. He says that the behaviour is out of character for him. He was recently divorced when we met. We have huge arguments about it and I lash out with such anger which is out of character for me. Living in the same small town where all this happened is very difficult as well. I keep thinking what a fool he made out of me and what others must think. I’m also angry that no one in his group of friends or family told me when it was happening even though I know it was not their place. I am trying to rid myself of the bitterness I have and this article gives some good advice. Not sure this relationship is salvageable or if it even should be ☹️
Hi Nat, thanks for sharing. It sounds like you’ve had an awful lot to deal with in the last few years to say the least. But there’s a lot of themes in here, around trust, especially, and around what relationships are and aren’t and about setting or not setting boundaries. It’s interesting, from a therapy perspective, how you start with talking about a friend, but then veer into talking about family. Because our ways of being with others, and our capacity to trust and form healthy relationships with good boundaries, come from what we learn in our families. If we don’t learn these things, or we don’t have good attachment as a child (one caregiver we can rely on to love us and be there for us no matter what, or however we are feeling or behaving), we can grow up with what is called ‘anxious attachment’. Long story short – if you feel anxious and are finding it hard to connect, there is more than enough here in your story to consider seeking some real support. A counsellor or therapist would definitely be of help and could help you recognise patterns of relating that leave you feeling constantly rejected, used, and deflated, and help you practise new ways of doing things that mean you feel better and form relationships with others that feel supportive. We wish you courage!
Thank you for sharing. Poor you, that is definitely a challenging situation to be in. It sounds like you have tried hard to be patient. Please do not judge yourself for being angry. It’s actually a normal emotion and given the situation hardly surprising. We’d say, focus on you. If you can’t decide what you want from this situation, or can’t seem to walk away from it, that’s ok. Try not to judge yourself. Take things one day at a time. Focus on what little ways you can be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, support yourself. Even just one little small thing each day. Then do seek support if you can. It is great you went to a couples counsellor, but it might be worthwhile to go speak to someone alone to see what it is that this relationship is giving you, if it is enough or not, and what your heart is telling you is the right way forward. We wish you courage!
My husband and mother in law planned business trip out of the country, they got their tickets and everything ready and I was pregnant, they were supposed to leave the country a month of I gave birth to the baby and be there for a whole month.I didn’t knew anything about this trip until my husband came and told me after all the arrangements have been made like tickets, hotels to stay when they go overseas, I have never been hurt like that before, I lost trust to my husband, I can’t seem to forgive him, honestly I hate him ever since then but I don’t know what to do, he apologized but still it hurts like it was yesterday—Please help
Gosh that must have been a truly painful experience for you Mary, we are sorry to hear about that. Is there a pattern here? Is there any way this has triggered old feelings of being abandoned and uncared for that might be bigger than even this situation? Your husband has made a mistake. We don’t know the whole situation as we don’t know you or him. We do know that sometimes relationships aren’t working and it can be time to accept that and move on. But other times, they are not terrible relationships, it’s just that we trigger each other’s ‘core wounds’, the things we suffered as children, like abandonment and neglect. We’d suggest you and your husband go to couples counselling to discover what this means for your relationship and to discuss it in a safe environment where you can learn to speak without attacking and find resolution for you and your family. We wish you courage!
My husband does not do compliments. We went on holiday with a couple he has known for years. I didn’t know them at all except that my husband liked this woman and said her husband treats her bad. The holiday was a disaster. My husband hung on to her every word. Keeping his distance from me. I vented my hurt and anger to him.He asked me to keep the holiday smooth for the rest of the holiday. On the last evening before flying home I arrived back to our room . He was talking to her on the balcony as by some miracle booking separately for this holiday we had the room next door. I walked up to where they were chatting on their balconys My husband says to me “You Look Radiant ” I stared at him and said “Why on earth would you say that ” After 30yrs of marriage I’ve never been complemented. She says to me in an instant. “That’s a lovely thing to say ” He’s been friendly with this woman for years and choose to compliment me in front of her. I was devastated. He and her knew I wasn’t happy and wanted to go home. I felt so betrayed that he said that to me in front of a woman he knew I didn’t like at all . Lots more happened too over the 2wks that broke my heart. It’s a year now since it happened. Our marriage is in tatters. I cannot forgive him. He is sorry now but never showed he was sorry when it counted . Linda
Hi Linda, thanks for sharing. You’ve shared a lot of details of one situation that it feels like you replay often in your head. We don’t know you or your husband, and we are only going off of this one comment, but we’d say that these kinds of situations don’t just appear out of nowhere. They are built over years or decades of unspoken things on both sides. What is it you want here? And what could help you move forward? Is couples counselling an option? Or counselling just for yourself? They could both be immensely useful at this juncture.
My ex boyfriend of 4 years on and off broke up with me nearly 2 years ago, he went straight into looking for other people, dated someone else briefly, that didn’t work and then came back to me as friends a year later, just as I could finally say I was over the relationship. After hanging out as friends we got on great and he told me he wanted to give things another go. The year it took me to get over him was long as horrible so I couldn’t give him an answer straight away to being romantic partners again but we did continue to hang out as friends, a couple of months later I noticed feelings starting to develop again and when I told him he told me he had already found someone else on a dating website but hadn’t mentioned it to me. I feel like I’ve gone through the break up with the same intensity all over again. It did work out with the girl he had started dating and I can’t work out the feelings I have…it ranges from sadness, to anger to pure hatred towards him, anger towards myself as he wasn’t very considerate of my feelings (which is why we broke up) but he did seem to have been on a journey himself and changed and now he is doing all the things to her the way I wanted him to treat me. I knew we both had some growing up to do in the relationship but always imagined we’d do that together and strengthen our relationship. Now I feel this girl has everything I earned by pointing out what I wasn’t willing to accept in the relationship and now he’s treating her right and has me down as crazy because I still cannot bring myself to talk to him when I bump into him.
I’ve tried counselling the first time we broke up but the counsellor seemed to just listen to me get things off my chest without doing anything with that information. Can you suggest what therapy would help as I don’t want to forgive him for replacing me and being nicer to my replacement but I’m sick of feeling like this too and don’t want to carry on carrying it round with me.
Thanks for this brave sharing. It sounds really hard. It often is when we are the one who goes through the hard parts and then the person moves on and has a better relationship. But the question here to ask is, is this a pattern? Are you always choosing partners who are a bit of a mess and ‘helping’ them be better partners? What is it within you that feels you deserve that, where did you learn you must be the one to teach others how to love? What would it feel like to find someone already good at love? Would you actually be comfortable with that, or is there work to do here? These are all great questions to start asking. And yes, we can absolutely recommend good therapies for this. With this sort of pattern it’s true that basic counselling might not feel powerful enough. Read our article on therapies specifically created to help with relating issues. bit.ly/findlovetherapy
I was offered a Job by a person whom I thought was a wonderfull man He flew me over from my country to him in his establishment which is a pub restaurant.It’s a big place .2 bars and a restaurant.To get to the point i was there for 5 months.within about 3 weeks of my arrival the boss was mistreating me badly.He kept belittling and taking wgich caused the decli e of resoect toward me from the staff members.He accused me of many things .When I would ask the what or how or when I woukd be simpmy told that I know the answer.No matter what I did my employer would insult me and often and I mean very often would twist facts and lie much to further damage my confidence .I was filled with anxiety and my confidence over the period I was there took such a nose dive.I bacame very introvert .I becane nervous and self loathing to the point where customers thought I was wurd and taint me in a negative light.Eventually I was accused of theft even though camera footage showed otherwise.The final blow came when I was on shift and I was summoned to the bosses office to be handed a letter stating termination of employment with the accusation of soliciting drugs and woman abuse!! I was removed by security and left homeless and my boss feeling elated as if I was his worst enemy.I was barred from ever entering the premises.I was staying in a flat upstairs .I was blocked from social media and all communication .That was 4 months ago.I still feel depressed and I feel lost rejected and hate my self.I still have no answer as to why all this abuse .I was assaulted a few times.My boss had been using cocaine and has a history of woman abuse and many other dark past deeds.I just cant fet over my depression.I am trying to brush it off but ny whoke being screams what has happened calls for some form of repercussions!! Yes like all human beings I have been through other injustices but did not hold on to it.I am battling to describe the intensity of the situatiom.How do I find healing?
Hi Nick, we are sorry to hear you have had such a horrific experience. Often if we constantly find ourselves in tough situations where we are being abused, criticised, and treated badly it is because in our childhood we developed the core beliefs that we are not worthy. We did not have a safe, happy childhood where we were fully loved no matter what we did. As an adult we then constantly put ourselves in dangerous situations were we are a victim, and make impulsive decisions that end up not being good for us. Because on a certain unconscious level we believe we deserve bad things to happen. But obviously, you don’t. Nobody deserves this sort of treatment. how to heal and move on? It’s a long process. You have to commit to believing you are worthwhile. If we did not grow up believing in our own worth, we have to start to accept that we are not a victim, that we are powerful and can make better choices for ourselves, but we often need support for that. You say you are depressed. Talk to your GP about this, or seek free or low cost counselling using our guide bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. . If you ever feel really low read our article on free helplines in the UK bit.ly/mentalhelplines .
i was with my ex for 6 mths he was amazing with my children and i. a week before the incident mentioned next he lost his casual job and he didnt have a car. The first incident. he caame on an over night work conference with me we went drinking got back to the hotel room he was so angry and nasty to me. the next day i went to my conference he had time to himself he was normal. i told him if he ever spoke to me like that again i was gone! The following week we were out drinking got home and he snapped again! This time braking things in my house i left my home and as i was so upset my friend called the police. the next day he rang me saying he didnt remember any of it and was so sorry. i broke up with him. Since then he has got a good job and a car and wants to make another go of it. my family hate him and have told me to stay away.
Hi Ailish, thanks for sharing. There is sadly no way this is about a job and a car. Your ex has deep-seated rage that put your personal safety in danger. It appears it comes out when he drinks. But it won’t come from nowhere, or from not having a job or a car. It will be rooted in childhood. First he needs help with his drinking, second he needs therapy for anger issues. We are not here to tell anyone how to lead their life or if they should or should not be in a relationship. We believe each person has their own wisdom. But we’d point out your first instinct was, as you said, to tell him if it happened again ‘I am gone’. The best thing here is to ask yourself some good questions. How high is your self-esteem? Do you have beliefs that you deserve to be treated well, or that you deserve to put up with things? You mention children. Do you have beliefs about finding a relationship now you have children? Are those beliefs facts, or just assumptions you have made? We hope that helps.
My then boyfriend 5 years ago dumped me to go after my niece. I was in love with him but apparently he wasn’t. My niece also fell for him from what i can see.
Now they are planning to get married and for some reason my niece feels i have to consent.
I have been through a lot of counselling, meditation and prayers to get myself to this stage where i can think of the situation and feel no or less hurt. I had thought i had everything under control but when recently the news of their plan to get married got to me, i felt a little bit of hurt. (I think the hurt was because my niece actually gave me the impression that they were no longer together when she came to visit me).
I told the person telling me about it that i would not be at the wedding. She said i have to be and i got pissed with her.
What i am asking for is this, they can go ahead and do what ever they want but without me involved in it but some people think that means i am yet to forgive them.
Does this mean i have not forgiven them yet because God knows i really want to let this go. But why cant i control how this makes me feel?
Oh Esther what a ghastly situation! We feel that you are being more than fair. What does it matter if you have forgiven them yet or not? Forgiveness is when you are ready, not when others demand it. What matters is that you are doing what you can to take care of yourself in a way that feels right for you. And are not hurting anyone in the process. Which you are not. Anyone would feel shocked and hurt to be betrayed like this, and asking you to give your blessing and go to the wedding is simply asking too much. Don’t feel bullied into it. Stand up for yourself and do what feels right for you. As for controlling feelings, if only! Feelings are unique in that we can’t control them most of the time. In fact trying to is behind a lot of psychological illness. Yes, we have to control emotions enough to get along with daily lives. But otherwise, if you feel angry or sad, best to acknowledge it. Spend some time alone journalling, punching a pillow, ranting out loud, and having a good cry. It’s all totally normal, considering.
My friend of 15 years and I began a relationship after his marriage of 28 years broke down. They’d been apart for a year when I told him how I’d always loved him. We’d always been good friends and I never thought I’d get to love him in this way. We don’t live in the same city so in a period of 6 months I saw him twice for a week each time. This was very intense and inbetween times we’d talk everyday. I did know he was uncertain as to what he wanted and so I kept asking him if he was ok to keep the relationship going. I was always honest about how I felt and fell in love with him. Just before my second trip to see him I found out my mum was dying so I was feeling very vulnerable. I felt the second time I saw him that his heart wasn’t in it in the same way and I tried to talk to him. He wouldn’t respond and in the end he broke up with me via messenger. I was (and still am) really heartbroken. He seemed to expect me to go back to being friends straight away and I tried. There is so much that is good in him, but I’m struggling to reconcile what he did with who I thought I knew him to be. I thought I was going crazy for a while as it’s very hard to communicate only via electronic media. We’ve only spoken once on the phone since December as he prefers to message or email. I was very conflicted and rang a friend of his to gain some clarity. I told him I’d done this as I wanted to be open but now he’s angry at me for betraying the friendship and punishing him. It all just seems like such a huge mess and I’m finding life pretty hard. I’d like to forgive him and I’d like him to forgive me, but somehow I think only time will heal these wounds. I know being adopted and from my own therapy I have some abandonment issues and that they have been triggered by my experiences with him and by Mum dying. I’m trying to just let myself feel everything and let go. I would really appreciate your thoughts and comments.
Fiona, you are going through a lot. You have experienced a double loss, both a relationship and your mother, which is huge. Give yourself time to grieve and be messy. Try not to judge yourself. We’d also imagine that there was already a lot going on before you commenced this relationship with your friend. This relationship became the thing you held onto as what made life good, perhaps. Which is always a dangerous game. What make life good is what is within us. Our own innate value that nobody else can give to us but is waiting within. There is a sense he was a sort of saviour you were hoping for. Perhaps you never felt loved by others a child? And deep down were waiting for that Prince archetype? But you are a resilient woman. You have reached out for support and are in therapy. You are in the process of saving yourself, which is really the only person who can do the job anyway. Be proud of yourself for that. Recognise your own resilience and strength. Finally, you are ruminating, your thoughts are veering toward obsessive, you are making small things into big dramas and this situation is dominating your mind. It’s become addictive. What would be best for you? Would a complete break help you? As for forgiveness, it’s overrated in our books. It comes in it’s own timing, and accepting how we really feel, our rage and disappointment, can be much more healing then pushing ourselves to forgive when we just aren’t ready. It an also be used as a way to keep contacting someone who is not really good for us. Hope that helps.
Hi my name is lex. It’s been 6 months I am with my partner. Everything started last year August, he was in a relationship same as I was. We were housemate at that time. One night we went out we cheated on our partner and then we did it again a couple of times. I was in a long distance relationship while he was in a normal one. I saw the girl many times at home with him. There was no feeling between me and him in the beginning but then on November last year he told me he loves me. He parents came over Christmas and he went on holidays without her. He came back on January this year, he said he loves me and was going to leave that girl so we can be together. He said to me he will have to do it when his parents leave, otherwise it will make such a drama and mess around the family. So he left on the 6th of February. I know he didn’t love her as everyone he knows is saying we never saw him happy like that before. My only issue is I can’t forgive him and I have such a bad anger towards him. I saw him with that girl before I had to accept the fact she was around in January because his parents was here. So I saw them sleeping together on the cough but he told me he didn’t do anything that night apart from talking about doing a break that’s true I haven’t seen her coming back as from the 26th of January. Then he brake up on the 6 of February to be with me. Like I don’t how to get over the fact he hurt me because he told he loves but still take her to restaurant last year or buying her a Christmas gift or even going to some of his family dinner with her. How do I get over this ? Please help me ?
Hi Lex, we can’t tell you how to ‘get over’ it as what is going on here is that you are experiencing anxiety. It’s not surprising giving how tricky the situation is. And it’s entirely normal your brain would be anxious and paranoid about him not being faithful when you know he can be because you and he were unfaithful already. So your brain already has ‘proof’. What we would say is that you are young. This might feel like the most important thing in the world, but it sounds like you are still learning about trust and love and what constitutes a healthy relationship. For this one to work you’d both need to take a good look at your capacity to be honest and trustworthy with each other and learn to practise good communication. And if you can’t relax, then maybe it’s time to accept this relationship started with deceit and it’s not working for you now. Finally, if this level of anxiety has happened to you before, it’s an idea to speak to a counsellor. It might be that it stems from deeper childhood issues that mean you are attracted to situations that are dramatic and anxiety-inducing.
Hi,
I’ve been with my partner for 17 years and I thought that I had the best relationship. I learned about 7 years ago that he cheated on me with a childhood friend of his. And had not been honest with me within the entire 17 years. I felt so foolish to be honest I’ve had a wave of emotions. We semi talked and I tried to forgive and move on. But I don’t fully trust him and have found that he and this friend still keep in contact here and there exchanging text and sexting He has given me several different reasons why he cheated. And not just with the childhood friend. It has been at least three others even when I was pregnant with our son who is now 15 and 9. When I discovered the recent text which was in April. All those hurt feelings come back. I try to stay positive for the future but it still hurts. Any words of wisdom to give a person who is hurt and consistent trying to people please I thought if I was good to my partner and treat them right I wouldn’t have to become a victim of a cheating partner, spouse or lover?????? Why!
Nikki, it sounds like you put up with an awful lot and hidden behind what you are saying there seems to be a bit of self blame. As if you are somehow responsible. You didn’t do something wrong here. What is more likely is that your childhood taught you to block out things that you don’t like, ignore any signs that things aren’t ok, and put up with things that are not actually making you happy. It sounds like you are in mental loops here of trying to understand all this, which can be its own kind of torture that takes up so much headspace we can’t make any practical decisions to get ourselves to a better place. So we’d highly, highly recommend you reach out for some professional support, in the form of a counsellor or therapist. Simply as this is no small thing but a big mess involving your self-esteem that will have childhood roots, and you need a set of impartial, non judgemental eyes to see the woods from the trees.
Hey I recently my best friend said something to me to hurt me. What he said wasn’t exactly wrong, but I never expected it to be said in our case. And now I can’t stop going over it again and again thinking about how to let it go and move on. I thought I let it go but it resurfaced after just few days. I can’t think of confronting him because he will just think I fight all the time and what he said wasn’t exactly wrong. So I keep trying to create a situation in which I can tell him the exact same thing he said to me. But this way I am just hurting myself and wasting my time just thinking about it all over and over again. I don’t know what to do.
Hi Jo. So what we seem to have here is ruminating (obsessive negative thinking). Don’t blame yourself for this as it’s a way of thinking we learn from a childhood where we felt powerless, or as we were raised by parents who ruminated over use positive healthy communication to share how they think and feel. Did you know that you can share how you think and feel with others without causing conflict or coming across as picking a fight? We suggest you do some research on communication. Keeping all your real thoughts and feelings bottled up will never lead to healthy relationships that support you and create a space for you to be yourself and grow as a person. And it also means other people will often be nervous and uncomfortable around you, sensing you hide things and are not really being honest. You might find these articles useful https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/how-to-communicate-stress.htm and https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/feeling-ignored-how-to-get-people-to-listen.htm
I stopped corresponding with my sister as I felt she was putting no effort into our relationship plus I was going through some stuff after a cancer diagnosis, surgery then full blown menopause. When I stopped emailing she never once called to see if their was anything wrong. I recently tried to re establish contact only to find out that my cousin had died and my sister told me that she had decided to withhold the information from me as I had chosen to remove myself from the family. I wanted to re establish my relationship with her but I cannot get past what she did. If she had even shown any sign of remorse I could have worked on our relationship but she is standing firm. I have tried and tried to see it from her side but I cannot see how she can justify this action as an okay thing to do. I want to move on but I can’t I want to forgive her for my own piece of mind but I can’t.
Hi Clare, we’re sorry you’ve had such a tough time. Life can be one heck of a ride. Family is hard. And forgiveness is hard. And illness and injury are an incredibly vulnerable time. When friends and family are not there for us in the way we know we would be there for them, it can feel crushing and utterly lonely, yes. We expect them to treat us the way we’d treat them, even though they might think and feel and see life in a totally different way to us. And maybe it also exposes how we have over-given in certain relationships, which can also feel tough to see. At the end of the day, we forgive when we are ready to forgive and not to the timing we want. Acceptance is an interesting thing to look at. As is compassion. Can I not forgive someone and yet have compassion for them? Can I not forgive someone but have compassion for myself? Can I accept that right now I am at war with my sister? And accept all these feelings I have? Finally, there is a real sense here that you expect to give and receive in equal measure. What if relationships are not about equal measure? And never will be? Even with family? What does it feel like when you consider that? And what if we assumed everyone had a different perspective than us and we’ll never understand why everyone does what they do and that’s okay? What if you gave when it felt right for you and didn’t when it didn’t? And instead of expecting a return, gave because it felt good? All things to ponder.
To keep this short my situation can be summarised by the adage “pot calling the kettle black”. Someone has let us down three times regarding very serious situations. The first time it happened it made no sense but we moved passed it and told the other party that they must be open with us about their reasoning on why they had agreed to do something and then at the last minute changed their mind. The were thankful that we were willing to move on from this and promised that they would be more open about their reasoning. Nevertheless they did it again And we again reminded them about how this was a repeat from last time and all that was required was for them to be open about their thinking. They were thankful, then did it again. We left it at that for a long time after that maintaining minimal contact to see if perhaps in the future we could resume our relationship after time had healed things. It did and we were moving forward to a better place. When we finally agreed to meet for the first time
as families they bought up a sore topic at a bad time. It took us by surprise and we were uncomfortable with it. It appeared to be tactless. We became scared and decided to cancel a future plan we had made with them. They are now furious and while they have the right to be, after we gave our explanation they said they were not satisfied and no longer trusted us. We reminded them that they had done something similar to us 3 times and although it is hard we can move on if we can get passed this. They said they could not and that those three events were in the past and could not be considered as we had agreed to start again. Is there a way to get them to see that they have been given the chances and all we are asking for is 1?
Hi Jacky, it sounds like a lot of drama and complications between you and this other couple, and like you really want to control things. What is not clear here is what it is that compels you to feel you need a relationship with this other couple. Also, is this level of complication something you often experience in your relationships? As for trying to control what the other couple thinks and does, not possible. It’s up to them to see the situation and respond as they want. The only person you can have control over here is yourself. So perhaps it’s a question of looking at how this situation developed in the first place, if this sort of dramatic relationship is a common occurrence for you, where you learned this sort of relating, if it serves you, and if not were you could seek some support to learn to relate to others in more helpful and less draining ways.
I am really angry with my husband, why? He doesn’t seem to see value in saying sorry, he says sorry anytime he annoys me and just moves on, he doesn’t care about my emotions as long he has said sorry, he believes I too should move on,. this attitude has been going on for years,because we’ve been married for 12years, I was even getting used to it but now I am going crazy. I have talked about it with him, he said what else do I want him to do, I told him things I would have wanted him to be doing but he has not changed a bit. What should I do please?
Hi Felicia, it sounds like a classic case of miscommunication. You wouldn’t still be together if you didn’t love each other, and if he says ‘what do you want him to do’ it means he is trying. Often as women we want men to communicate like we do, we don’t know how differently they are raised to think and communicate. A great book on this, it’s a classic, is “Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’ by John Gray. Otherwise, if you are both willing, we would highly recommend couples therapy. You’d be amazed how helpful a few sessions might be.
My mom left me when i was 13 to be with a man my dad wasant around i had to look after my sister and house i went to jail at 14 fo robbery we had no electric whilst i was in there they moved bk in put my stuff in the skip had a child and turned my room into a nursery im 31 now with a 10 year old son and a little girl on the way i thought it would be nice for my boy to have a nan an grandad so i gave them the opurtunaty after all the hurt to be in his life they let him down am i right to disown her and not let her meet my next child cus it hurts and is not good ive expained feelings on numurous acacions and nothink changes
Hi Lee, we can’t tell you what is right or wrong for you. You have to decide that for yourself. That said, what we can do is notice all that is going on in this comment. A lot of hurt, anger, and confusion. A sense of rejection and abandonment, and a real desire for a safe, loving life. These are all important things, Lee. And what it sounds like is you never had any support. There was no-one there when you needed it, and you felt uncared for. It’s wonderful that you want your kids to have the safe loving life you didn’t get. But you can’t control anyone else. So you can’t control or change your parents. The only person you have any power over is yourself. So sometimes the best thing we can do as a parent is take care of ourselves before we pass on our anger and hurt to our kids unwittingly. This is all a lot to deal with alone, have you ever had support? Talked to a therapist or counsellor? We think you’d find it a real relief and very helpful. These days it doesn’t even need to cost that much, there are many low cost options, see our piece on low cost counselling http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. We wish you courage!
The first part of your article.. We cannot forgive the person because they triggered a past emotion.. This may be the reason I can’t let go and forgive.
A girl spread a gossip that I am building hopes and dreams about her ex. The guy confronted me and immediately burst all my bubbles. I felt humiliated and rejected. In my mind, I keep on imagining that the girl did that on purpose and wanted to make me a laughing stock, especially in front of this guy.
I am furious until now and whenever I hear the name or see this girl, I feel this intense emotion of fury.
What she said was right. Maybe having it confirmed and answered by the guy made it worst.
Aysa, this sounds really hard. We are sorry you had to go through it. First of all, it’s okay to feel upset. And you’ve got to allow that and give yourself time to get over the situation. But if you feel that you are unable to get over it, or you worry your response is bigger than the actual situation, than it’s worth thinking, does this situation replicate something from my past? It might be that there is a dynamic of wanting to win love from someone, like your parents, for example, but then always feeling rejected that you keep repeating. If this feels true, if it seems to be a pattern, then definitely consider counselling. Patterns can be hard to break alone, and a therapist can help you find your way through and offer you non-judgemental support.
I find it hard to forgive those people who hurt me so much,.. and i never imagine that kind of pain exist. my boyfriend cheated on me.. with this girl who thinks she’s perfect.. the girl text me called me sending me messages on messenger with a screen shot of their conversation.. with sweet nothings etc.. sending me pictures of them having sex.. she will call me insulting me saying my boyfriend never loved me, that my boyfriend just needs me for financial aid, because im helping my boyfriend financially even from the beginning of our relationship. and the worst part is.. my boyfriend bragging that to all his friends, and to that girl as well, letting that girl use his mobile phone to see and read my text messages.. my pictures.. he even gave my mobile number to that girl and email address as well.. i feel so much pain,.. a pain that i never imagine exist. thats the time i started to think im ugly im worhtless,,. maybe not worthy enough to be loved,.. i lost my self confindence, self esteem.. self worth.. i broke up with that guy.. i didnt do anything to them.. i just cried.. and said goodbye. i just really want them out of my life.. and leave me alone. untill now when i remember them.. i still feel the anger and hatred that i have for them.. i even sometimes dreamt that im killing them. 🙁
Eli, what a horrible thing to have to go through. But can you take a second to give yourself some credit here? You had the strength to walk away. That is amazing. It’s totally normal to feel full of rage when someone you trusted betrayed you so horribly. And dreaming of killing them is also normal. Violent thoughts after betrayal happen to many of us. They are just thoughts. So try to go easy on yourself. You are not going to act on these these thoughts. The next thing is to do whatever you can to shift all your attention onto you. You need all your energy for yourself now, to build up your self esteem. Is there a goal you put off because of this relationship you could now focus on again? Then seek support. Talk to people you trust and if you can, consider a counsellor. They can help you look at why you chose this relationship and what you can do to shift your self esteem so that history doesn’t repeat itself and you make choices that leave you feeling safe and loved. We wish you courage!
Really good article. Things I’ve not seen mentioned before having to do with forgiveness. Thank you!
I think from your article I’ve been mixing up past childhood trauma with adult conflicts/unforgiveness and need to learn to separate them out and deal with them.
We are so glad to hear it was helpful Donna! Thank you for letting us know, it does mean a lot to us to know.
My daughter and i have had lots of issues in the last couple if years leading me to not be able to trust or believe what she says. Just before her 16th birthday she started seeing her first boyfriend who she onky saw once a week at the most. We talked openly about sex and contraception and i tried to make her understand that it would be nice if she waited for arelationship that meant a lot and she thought would last at least a decent amount of time. I’m not a prude i just hated the thought of her giving herself in a plate to the first boy that showed an interest in her. I didnt allow them in her bedroom and made sure the boys mum was aware how i felt. I have now found out that they had sex a few times at his house that she spoke to my daughter offered them condoms (which i have no problem with) and even offered to get the pill prescribed for herself to give to my daughter and did not once inform me. And of course the relationship was over within weeks of this. I am beside myself with anger towards all 3 of them and so so sad her first experience was actually a boy she hardly knew. Im finding it hard to forgive her for ignoring what we had talked about and not coming to me obviously because i would have encouraged her to wait. I just can’t look at her without feeling tearful and hurt
Charlotte, that sounds really heart breaking, and obviously a loving mother’s worse nightmare is seeing their children get hurt. We do understand how upset you must feel because you wanted the best for your daughter. But at 16 she is almost an adult, and unfortunately now is going to be making choices for herself and having to learn to face the consequences. What she probably needs most now more than anything is your support. If she feels judged or disproved of, she’s going to back away right when she needs support. That’s not to say you should deny feeling hurt or angry, or that forgiveness has to happen now. These things take time. What does matter is to keep connection and communication and not let our anger sabotage that. Working through these intense feelings on your own time would be incredibly useful. Have you tried journalling? Is there any way this event is triggering any other experiences in your own life? For example, are you trying so hard to protect her and be a perfect parent as you didn’t receive that yourself? (we don’t mean to imply anything, just a random example). In summary, life is complicated. Mistakes happen. And our daughters grow up before our eyes. At some point we have to loosen our expectations and control, and try to understand their perspective as best we can, and work on the only person we actually do have control over – ourselves. Or we can risk losing our daughters completely. We hope it works out.
Thank you for your reply. Yes of course i was desperate to protect her and i suppose i always will. There’s nothing in my past experiences that have triggered the way i feel I’m just terrified this has set the bar very low for any future relationships she will have and she will just keep repeating her mistake. I think i would have been less hurt had we not talked about her waiting for the right time and why would she listen or be honest with me now when our previous talks meant nothing to her. I’m really trying not to shut down but its so hard. Iv given her the benefit of doubt so many times on other issues and lies she has told and it’s not like she came to me this time i found out by chance. I know it might sound over reative but i almost feel betrayed it’s the one thing i felt really strongly about and she knew that. It’s also the one thing i find hardest to forgive. I think i need help for myself before i can try to build bridges for me and her. I am a very private person and find it very hard to open up outside my immediate family. My husband is much more matter of fact but his way is to just let things go so talking with him isnt much help either. Im truly devastated at the long term effect this might have.
Hi Charlotte, you are making a lot of huge assumptions here. Assumptions mean we assume we know what someone else feels and thinks. When actually the only way to know what someone else thinks and feels is by having open non-judgmental communication with them. You are also predicting your daughter’s future in a very negative way. Which, if she was aware of, would surely come across as very judgmental and unsupportive, even if that is not what you intended. There is also a strong feeling of needing control in both your messages. In summary, we do feel that it’s best for you to focus on yourself right now, as this seems a much bigger issue.
If i come across as controlling its probably because we have had huge issues over the last few years some of them extremely age inappropriate that have instigated my fears and too many times to go into on here. The only way i would want to control her is her ability to make good choices surely that’s not a bad thing. I dont want to scrutinize her every move but in my heart i feared what might happen with any boy she became involved with then another and another because on one occasion she offered herself before they even met. There’s a fine line between being judgemental or plain worried sick. I just don’t know how to make her understand her own self worth
Hi Charlotte, it’s just that each message you have sent is really coming from an energy of division. “Me against her”. “I’m right, she’s wrong”. In therapy, we work to see from different perspectives over black/white. All the best.
My daughter is stuck on the fact that I said she caused my cancer . This happened when she was a teen. I’d been through a lot with her. She is ADDw/ NVLD. I fought for her my whole life.
When I got sick I was angry. She was acting out and not doing well in school, dabbling in drugs etc.
I don’t remember the context but I do know I said something. Probably wanting to shock her into behaving as nothing else worked. It was wrong of me. I apologized. She can’t let go and blames this for all her failures. It tortures me, how could I be so stupid to have said this. I am sorry. What can I do? I can’t keep going over and over this. I am truly ashamed. This was a mistake on my part. I need to move on.
Gail, this sounds truly a hard situation. Plus it sounds like both of you have had your share of life challenges. We all say things we regret when angry. And at some point in our life most of us say something truly outrageous. And mother and daughter relationships are probably the trickiest of all. It sounds like what’s happened here, which is actually not uncommon, is that years and years of conflict and a very intense relationship have all been put onto one situation. One comment could never by itself cause such issues, but if it’s been used as the focus point of a long history of issues, it can simply seem that way. We don’t know how old your daughter is yet, but most daughters come around when they get to the age they are old enough to be mothers themselves. If that seems to far away, would you ever consider family therapy? Even if it was just a session or two to go over this exact issue? The therapist would help create a constructive environment where you could both feel safe to share. You might find that you both don’t realise how much love you have for each other under all the fighting. We wish you courage.
Hello,
this article is incredible; inspired me to write to you on the current situation I have found myself in. Just a little background story:
I have had a fair share of sufferings and disappointments throughout my life; so much so that I became depressed and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression at the age of 14. I am almost 20 years old and it has been a constant battle against my emotions and thoughts. I guess anybody that has suffered similar (or is suffering) knows how complicated it is accept that you need help etc. It took me many years to understand that the reason my friendships and relationships wouldn’t ever work or last, was due to my unresolved ‘hurting’. How can I love someone else, when i dont love myself? How can i support someone else and provide a shoulder to lean on, when I myself am broken?
anyway, at the age of 18 (last year august) i made the biggest decision of my life to move to a completely different country on my own, to do my degree. I felt it would provide an opportunity to restart my life in a way, to take time in focusing on my inner-peace and happiness. I arrived in September and experienced a massive culture shock; mixing my home-sickness with me missing my mother, resulted in me becoming even more insecure. Spending so much time alone worsened how i felt…. and rather than accepting that i was not OK and that i should speak to someone, i bottled up and ignored it, with the hope that it would all disappear… In reality it had the opposite effect. I basically lost myself in the uni life of drinking, partying, (although horrible to say but imperative for this story) had casual hook ups with a few guys etc.. (all things against my morals and who i am as a person). I became a cold-heartless being and in doing so found myself in horrible situations and hurt those very close to me….
current situation: I had given up on all hope of finding ‘the one’ and true love, until i began to fall for my best friend. We are exactly the same person, same views on life, same beliefs, same sense of humour etc…. He honestly has been a person who has provided me strength, laughter, self-esteem, motivation to follow my dreams and so many more things…. to me he is my version of perfection – although I’ve only known him for 6 months. However, i had always felt he was too good for me due to the person i was being and the actions i was choosing to execute. Nevertheless, In this time we developed an extremely strong bond. It got to a stage where we began to develop feelings and do things that “friends” don’t and he began to bring out the true Mika that had been hidden for so long. I could truly see myself with him for the rest of my life. I began experiencing an internal fight within myself. I knew that what i was doing and who i was being, was not me at all, but i was so helpless becuase id begun to hate myself; couldnt stand looking in the mirror… i felt so guilty and ashamed of what i had been capable of allowing myself to do….
A few months ago (before i had even thought or considered my interest for my best friend) i was getting to know this guy that i liked, of whom just wanted sex from me but i couldn’t see it. My best friend warned me and i didnt listen. I went over to the guys house and stupidly i allowed things to happen…. i woke up the next day in shock and feeling 100X worse about myself… and it was there and then that i realised i had to stop with this stupidity and face head-on what i was feeling. I realised this was my body’s and mind’s way of communicating with me that I was not ok, in trying to find a coping mechanism. I now know that that behaviour was as a result of me not resolving the root of my problems….. i began to work on myself…
However, I messed up… after my best friend and i confessed our feelings for eachother, we had a serious conversation, in which he confessed that he liked me but at the moment he wasnt able to have anything serious due to him coming out of a complicated 7 year relationship and still not knowing what he was going to do about it… me being me, i understood and accepted the situation although it scared me to think of him one day just deciding to go back to his ex… but we got closer and closer and the chances of him going back to her were less and less…. he asked me a few months later if i had done anything with that guy i had previously mentioned; In my panic of not wanting him to think wrongly of me and the fear of losing him, i lied and told him that nothing had happened and that i wasnt that kind of girl…. I knew he had high expectations when it came to the woman he wanted in his life, but above all the one thing he did not accept was lies, and i knew that but by then it was too late to go back. in the next months i had seeked help and continued my inner-reconstruction alongside developing further feelings for my best friend, he in some ways became my right-hand. I wanted to be with him so bad that i didnt want him to know about aanything that i had previously done becuase i was scared that he would judge me for what i did and not who i now was.
I no longer do those things and thankfully have found my way back to my true self, however a few weeks ago, my best friend found out from someone else the very thing i hid from him…. he confronted me and we had the worst argument… a few weeks have passed and he cant forgive what i did, hes judged me for what i did (i dont blame him) and has told me that he will never be able to have anything serious with me ever again because of how i lied to him and what i did…. it has tainted his view of me and now only sees me as that stupid girl who was lost and not who i am now….. it pains me because we had a conversation a few days ago where i expressed how sorry i was and how important he was to me and that id do everything possible to fix it and make it up to him by showing him i have changed, but i fear he wont ever believe me… he doesnt want to forgive me, although our friends say he cant live without me due to how we cant stay long without communicating, i feel like the last days hes just been so cold….last time that happened, his ex had tried to win him back…. i mean, i know its my fault and that the best thing i could do right now is give him space, but its hurting me….
im scared that in his anger hes going to go back to his ex and that i wont have the opportunity to prove my worth…. im scared i have lost him, what do I do?
P.S. I apologise for the length of this post….
Hi Mika, we are sorry that you experienced anxiety and depression. But actually, what we read here in general just a lot of normal teenage experience, to be honest. With a lot of self judgement, black and white thinking, and low self esteem mixed in. Having culture shock when going to a new country is normal, struggling when going away to university is normal, drinking and having casual sex, pretty normal to. And Being obsessed with ‘who am I’ is also normal at your age, particularly in Western society where young people are inundated with unrealistic ideas of love and reality by social media. Being a young adult is all about figuring out who you are and you don’t need to instantly find ‘the real you’ which is not even a thing, as we are all capable of all things, we grow and learn as we grow, we are not and never will be an exact recipe. The one thing that does stay the same and forms our real identity is personal values. So maybe figure out which ones are yours, and which ones you are living out from your family or mother, or maybe even a church from the sounds of it. Again, this is normal at your age, it’s about finding your independence, so don’t stress about it. This is also a lot of drama, which is again normal at your age. Try widening your perspective. What will your 40-year old self have to say about you thinking this was the end of the world and the only person you could ever love when you’ve only just begun to live life, and you’ve only know the guy for six months? Perhaps she’d tell you that it’s a small moment in a much bigger, more interesting life, with many more people to meet? As for saying he’s perfect, that’s unrealistic, and way too pressure for anyone, that alone pushes people away. Everyone is flawed. We are human, all of us. When we put people on pedestals like this it’s because we don’t accept our selves who we are and seek others to be what we think we are not. You might also want to consider doing something that moves your focus outside of yourself, such as volunteering, which is also shown to help with anxiety and depression (as a bonus). Then try to relax a little and enjoy what you do have and what is working instead of obsessing in great detail on things you can’t control, like what other people do or don’t think of you. Accept that there is a lot to come still in life and you simply don’t know the future or who you will meet next. Finally, we really hope you didn’t write all this out in order to forward it to him or his friends as a way to win him back. As that would be straight up manipulation. You can’t control someone else. If he wants to go back to his ex that’s up to him, and if he doesn’t want to forgive you, that is also up to him. We’d suggest you stop obsessing on him and put your attention on you and work at raising your self esteem and forgiving yourself. If you are struggling, check in with your school counsellor, that is what they are there for. Good luck!
I really hurt someone ans i dont know how to support them or seek forgiveness. When we were in a relationship, i struggled to get over his previous marriage and he was still going through a divorce. We carried on, but i kep feeling like i could never compete and wasnt good enough. Issues within my family exacerbated this, and then i took on too kuch work. My head went into fog and i withdrew from everyone. I had no patience or resilience and it caused arguments, where i would say really nasty things and lose my temper very quickly. We had a talk. He said i wouldnt let him love me and he was right. Taking some space i have realised how low i was and how lost i was, ans also what needs to be in place to prevent that. But he is scared and feels helpless. Says he loves me and wants me but he cant. Even when i gice him attention he feels sad because its what he wanted that whole time and now all he can think is “how long will this last before she shouts at me again”. That isnt me and there are steps being put into place to stop that ever being me again. But he cant forget or forgive what happened. Is there anything i can do to support him through this? He acknowledges times were hard and we have spoken about it. He just cant get rid of the feelings he has… love, resentment, hurt, scared… i hate whats happened and want to put it right. I just dont know how…
Hi Anon, there is all sorts going on here. First of all, your focus is entirely on him, trying to ‘support him’ but it also sounds like trying to make him come back. You can’t control another person. If he doesn’t want to, give him space. The person the focus needs to go on here is you. You seem to have just ‘decided’ to be someone else, and have put all those behaviours that happened as something not real, as you say, ‘this isn’t me’. It is you. It happened. This is a lot of judgement, instead of self acceptance and any self-compassion. And it’s funny, dividing the world into black/white, good/bad, my good self/my bad self…. it never works. Something inside of us rebels and we find ourselves right back in those behaviours. We also see a need for control here. “there are steps to put in place..’. Are there? We’d say if there were steps to just ‘put in place’ to completely stop behaviours which we’d guess are based in childhood, then you’ve just solved the problem a hundred years worth of psychotherapists haven’t. In summary, you are not a cut and dry recipe. You are person, with good days and bad days. It sounds like you have real issues – low self-esteem, avoiding emotional pain (it’s common to turn to workaholism as a way to avoid pain), push-pulling in relationships, lashing out. And this relationship sounds like love addiction over a healthy one. These issues will be much older than this relationship, and ways of relating formed by childhood experiences. They won’t change by trying to control them, but by throwing up your hands and saying, i’m not in control here. I need support, but I’m ready to go all the way with this and start a journey of healing. Seek counselling or therapy and get started. As for your ex, he has to trust his own instincts here, and you have to respect his boundaries. If he wants to forgive, the when and if is up to him, not you. An ex can’t ‘support’ the partner she hurt, she can only step back and let him heal.
My husband and I been married for 26 years. Lately I keep thinking about some things he has done to me that hurt me ex. Once he accused me of forcing something on one of how neighbors which is a woman it was he was defending her and he got angry at me. I felt like he taking up for her and all I was doing just offering her something of what I had. But the problem is this happen years ago but it been popping in my mind every day and I don’t know what to do about it
Hi Shirley, is there a reason you can’t talk to him about this? In a calm, non judgmental way? Using good communication skills https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/how-to-communicate-stress.htm
I recently lied to my closest friend about a small thing and then lied again to cover it up. I realised I was lying and told me to leave him alone. I just panicked and lied in the moment and I wish I could take it all back. Since then I’ve made a real effort not to lie to anyone and confessed everything to him. He’s not spoken to me in three months and I miss him terribly as he was the only one there for me through my anxiety. I don’t know how to seek forgiveness from him as I’ve already apologised so much.
Hi there, sounds hard. We are only getting your side of the story here, and don’t know the bigger picture. If you have a history about not being totally honest in the past perhaps this was just too much for him? And you need to let go and more on? See it as a lesson and accept that his choice is his choice. If not, and this was really only one occasion (which in all honestly seems unlikely, lying is usually a deep rooted behaviour), then perhaps best to move on as well because that would be a very inflexible friendship. In summary we would say that it sounds like a much bigger thing than this event as you say you have anxiety and ‘he was the only one there for you’. That is a lot of pressure to put on one person. We’d imagine this ‘lying’ situation was just part of a bigger build up between you. Have you sought counselling for your anxiety? We’d highly recommend it as you sound like you need support. Going to counselling and having that space to talk things through can stop us from over-relying on other people, so can help our relationships. Good luck!
Where do I start? This is such a long story. Ok…my girlfriend was my friend with benefits for about 2 years let’s say. We met in college. I cheated on my girlfriend at the time with her as my girlfriend at the time cheated on me with some other guy who was at the college as well. They now hate each other as they Jew each other well. So…a year after starting the Friends with benefits relationship…The relationship with my ex ended and me and the friends with benefits partner (my girlfriend now) grew so tight. We had a very weird relationship. She was madly in love with me and I loved her so much but…I kept hurting her over and over again. I just couldn’t see her in the way she wanted me to see her. I really loved her and I did everything to protect her…as she is damaged from childhood experiences so I always wanted to be there for her…to make her stronger and to love herself. I was kinda her therapist…I saved her. Anyways…she’s very dark and vengeful and she doesn’t know how to sort her feelings….and this is a trend. Eventually she grew tired of me hurting her I guess and she got with someone who I gave her permission to get with. It was a girl. She grew so much into this person that she started neglecting me and it made me angry. I spoke to her about it over and over again but I guess she was just so hurt she didn’t listen. I told her I’d leave if she didn’t stop and she didn’t so I left…it pained me so much…Cuz I reaaaaaalllly love her. I swear!!! She tried everything to get back with me when she realized I was gone but I stood my ground. The person she was with spoke with me about the whole situation and told me that she needs me and that I should get back with her. I couldnt care less. Eventually we started talking again and my heart melted again. We decided to start a serious relationship. Soon after we did she revealed that she had sex with my best friend when I was treating her like shit. That was over three years ago. That was a horrible experience. Still haven’t gotten over it. Anyways…we’ve managed to keep the relationship together. She’s very honest with me. I’m honest with her about most things. I know she really loves me. I’ve seen it. I’ve treated her better than I used to…but still not as good as I’m supposed to. Cuz…we have so many different relationships. It’s like…ok…she’s had so many sexual partners…and a lot of them are my colleagues…who I went to college with. That has always bothered me…though they were before me. I just never dreamt of being with a woman like that. But…she’s unbelievably amazing. Lol. I can’t believe this. 🤦🏿♂️ Anyways…because of her past I was unable to love her and treat her like a girlfriend. But…I took great care of her as a friend. I provided for her and encouraged her and did everything I possibly could to make her happy…as a friend. Relationship wise…I was total shit. She was depressed and unproductive…I tried helping her in her career department. She just…she was a fucking bum. It pained my heart. Cuz I’m a very productive person. That caused me to hate her. Cause all I wanted to see wa her winning. I didn’t care that much for the relationship honestly. I loved her…but herwell being and success was more important to me. I wanted her to love herself and be proud of herself…and all that…u know…she felt like a daughter. Imagine that type of love. Anyways…last year she went away to work. Before she made the decision she asked my opinion…I told her if she’s not going to focus on her career she should go and make so money…but if she’s willing to focus on her career then she should stay. She went. She grew extremely happy. Before she left we were always fighting Cuz I’m always having other girls. I travel a lot through music. So when I’m on tour I’d get with plenty girls and if she’d ask I’d mostly be honest about it with her. It depresses her. She’d always search my phone and come argue with me. I never felt like I was cheating so I made no effort to hide anything. If she asked…I’d mostly be honest. Sometimes I’d lie.
So she went to work and I started growing extremely attracted to her. More than before. She came back after about 2 months and we were beautiful…or so I though. We had an argument about women and she asked me if I’m going to stop and out of anger and frustration I told her no. She asked if she could see someone when she went back to work and I said yes. Clearly I didn’t mean it. So…the start of this year she started working again and I fell madly in love with her. I was home alone and her presence was greatly missed. We talked often and we expressed our love for each other. I was so In love I started thinking of getting married to her. Cuz she’s honestly the best. A few months in…she revealed to me that she’s seeing someone…for about 2 months or so. I panicked. I asked her to stop. I wasn’t as mad as I would have been as I did tell her she could see someone. I didn’t know she was serious. Anyways…she didn’t stop. And she lied to me about it repeatedly. I felt helpless. She no longer respected me and the effect I had on her was no longer there. I decided on an open relationship…she asked…I was unwilling but…she was…just gone. I saw it!!! I told her about my sexual escapades and expressed that I didn’t want an open relationship. She ignored at first then she grew extremely jealous and told me she wants to stop. I was happy. A week after I asked if she stopped and she said no…and we spiraled into a nose dive since.
She lied and lied and lied…until…started opening up to me…like she always did. She told me she was seeing a guy from India…turns out it was a guy from my country AND…we do the same job…so the chance of running into each other is so great. Next thing…it’s been going on since she started last year. Next thing…her co-workers know about! Next thing…he’s married. Next thing….she’s been having unprotected sex with him.
This hit me real hard. Ripped my heart out. Ok!!! I told her to come home so we can fix it. She said no. Btw…she was completely gone by now. Still loves me…greatly…but all the respect was gone and she was gone. It’s now may…she’s to return in October. I fear we may just move on by then. She changed her mind yesterday and told me she doesn’t want to lose me so she’s coming home. She was very angry and Had no remorse. It was very hard communicating with her. I know she’s a good person as she’s proven herself to me over and over again. I know I pushed her to the limit so I wanted to fix it. But…now I’m wondering if it’s the right thing I’m doing. What she did was very dark and immoral in my eyes. and she always does this. I hurt her…she just f@*%ks everything up with a big dark move lol. Honestly, she needs help outside of me. I know that. I want to continue the relationship for so many reasons. We are unbelievably compatible. She laughs at all my jokes, she’s sexually amazing, she’s beautiful, super talented, we do everything together, even work. We have the same careers. It’s beautiful. But…I also know that I have this need to protect her. And that’s 1 reason I don’t want to let her go. Cuz without me…she’s prone to do a lot of dumb shit and I don’t want her ruining her life. I don’t know if I’m making the right decision. I love her. I know she loves me. I’m very attractive. I don’t have problem getting women. Same with her. I’ve never had any doubt I should try to make it work…until now. Cuz….she’s so emotional it makes her lack reasoning ability and logic at times. That’s dangerous. I’m already living in shame Cuz…the guys she work with know me and they know she’s been cheating…with a married man and doing some very immoral stuff. I’m mature enough to make wise decisions on my own. This one however….it may be out of my league. Suggestion? 🤷🏿♂️
This is exhausting even to read, so we can’t imagine what it is like living it. It sounds like you are addicted to drama, which is a great way to avoid your own emotional pain, particularly if you always focus on how ‘damaged’ you claim others around you are and how you are their therapist. We’d suggest you have plenty of issues of your own as all this obsessive thinking and addiction to over intense relationships with what seems a total lack of boundaries and power plays. We’d suggest if you can to seek counselling, and look at what happened in your childhood to make you believe that all this drama, push pulling, and manipulation of others is love, and then start studying what love and healthy relationships really look like. Because we promise you it does not look like any of this. Good luck.
Hi I hope you can help my hubby fell out with his sister last June 2018 over a silly argument over brexit (drink was involved) and they haven’t spoken since -it’s caused such a rift in our whole family it’s hard not to involve our respective children as ocassions are marred as they feel they need to take sides although both had said not too. My main concern is last night I heard him talking whilst wearing his earphone listening to music, was about to go in and ask who he was talking too when I heard him going over the argument he had a drink I tried to listen it just sounded bitter and hateful and not like him at all I’m really worried he’s suffering more than he’s telling me she’s his only sister they are both in their 50’s dad has passed just mum alive he is adamant he will never speak to her again and has interest in intervention or reconciliation I’m really worried he’s suffering from a breakdown
Hi Jacqui, we’re sorry to hear you and your family are struggling. This level of breakdown is never from one disagreement but from years and even decades of unresolved hurts and unspoken upset. Unfortunately it’s between your husband and his sister, so they have to decide what to do. But it’s understandable you’d be very concerned. If your husband is open to therapy, or you’d like to try suggesting it, we suggest you read our article first on how to tell a loved one they might benefit from therapy, as it can be a very tricky conversation to navigate http://bit.ly/lovedonetherapy . Otherwise, a red flag for is that it seems you are unable to speak to him about your concerns, but instead are turning to these pages. Would we be correct in assuming this means the communication between you and your husband is also difficult? That he doesn’t open up to you, that you are too nervous to share your concerns? That you can’t be fully open? If so, you might want to consider marriage counselling, which might be a way to start your husband talking if he is too nervous to see a therapist alone.
My partner started cheating on me last year May to August. I caught him around the same time he confessed and it’s just not that he did. He insulted me to these girls, saying I was a community hoe, I had done 25 guys in my past. To show how much I trusted him, when they first told me he said all that, I didn’t believe them, I thought they were merely conspiring against him even upon the screenshots they showed me, until he confessed to me himself and words would never describe my pain that day.
He and I met during those times he was cheating and he pretended to my face. He also abused me a lot verbally although he didn’t see it as wrong. He once told me I was too pale and that was why he didn’t want to post my pictures and he called me ugly and twice he did these in front of our friends and after I found out about the cheating, I calculated and found out when these abuses started was when he started cheating. He wasn’t like that before, he completely changed.
I’m currently 22 and I got pregnant with his baby (something I would always regret) and he told me he didn’t want it, that I should get an abortion and I refused but he abandoned me saying he’d come back for me but for now he needed to “find himself” and just like that, he stopped messaging me and I later miscarried baby and suffered the grief alone and watched him post other girls in silence. When one of the girls he cheated with reached out to me and told me everything, from the cheating to the insults, I was so broken I remember being unable to stand for over thirty minutes because there was this sharp pain in my heart and I was shaking uncontrollably and I couldn’t stop crying. He later came clean and was terribly sorry when he saw how much everything really hurt me. He said he didn’t know everything would hurt that much and he wanted another chance. I blocked him severally but he wouldn’t let me rest and this year he came to me totally different and I still love him and I took him back but everything still hurts so much. I can’t forgive him for the verbal insults, for the pain, for the abandonment, for the cheating. It’s like I’m carrying alot of burden and it’s weighing me down even upon it’s a year ago.
I can’t help but break down whenever we meet, it just hurts too much because I couldn’t and can’t still believe he could betray me, I was always the supportive girlfriend and calm girlfriend. I mean a relationship isn’t by force, if you didn’t want to be faithful, you should have told me, we would’ve broken up, not humiliate me.
And the worst part is at least one of these terrible memories crosses my mind each day. Whenever I recall an insult he gave me, it would lead to me thinking it was because of the cheating which would lead to me remembering everything all over again. I try to not think about them but I can’t.
Now, we can’t have normal conversations and things aren’t the same anymore. He’s really trying his best to make me happy but it’s just hard for me to forgive but it’s also torturing and annoying him and sometimes he angrily tells me to “grow up” and it also hurts me because I feel like he would never understand my pain until he’s in the same situation.
Every single time we’re about to have fun moments, it always ends in sadness because one of those memories would cross my mind and I’d be urged to remind him of the pain he’s caused me. I’m just bitter, I admit. He told me I wasn’t like this before but that experience changed me alot.
To forgive someone that completely destroyed me, someone I trusted and love with my whole heart, is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, and it pains me more because I know I would never do all he did to me to him. I would never. I would never do that to my fellow human being let alone someone I’m in love with.
I don’t know what to do, is it that I’m just not ready to forgive or what? The hurt is just too much to forgive. Everything is just too much.
Hi there. We’d go out on a limb and guess that you never felt fully loved by your parents, or that one or both of your parents was unable to be a good parent to you. Or that you experienced trauma. At the very least, we’d guess that one of your parents was abusive to the other. You see nobody grows up just randomly allowing people to treat them like this or thinking that this sort of abuse is ‘love’. We get that way as when we were children we either didn’t get the love and safety we needed, experienced abuse, or we witnessed abusive relationships around us. Either way, our child brain decides, pain is love. Abuse is love. This is what I want, abuse. If I am always in pain I am in love. And we grow up and get into abusive, destructive relationships and get hooked, addicted, to the pain and drama, and our mind obsesses constantly on all the things the other person did and didn’t do to hurt us. And to us that is ‘normal’. We can’t even see the diffference. And this is where you are at. You are addicted to the pain by the looks of it, completely consumed by it. As for you saying, ‘he wasn’t like that before’, of course he was. You chose not to see it. In summary, you need proper help and support, at the very least to help you raise your self-esteem. If there is any way you can get some counselling, we’d highly advise it. Otherwise, even if you leave this man, you are highly likely to end up in another abusive relationship, and stay in the pattern. You deserve better. But you won’t get better obsessing on what he did and didn’t do. Forgiveness isn’t even part of the problem here. How can you forgive someone when you aren’t even taking care of yourself yet? You need help to train your mind away from pain, to learn how to care about yourself, and to learn what love really is, because it certainly is not any of what you have described. We wish you luck.
I need help with moving forwards from my situation. My Husband of 15 years accused me of cheating on him last week. I was shocked. He said he does not know if he even knows me or who I am. He said he found an uploaded adult video with a couple, swearing I was the woman (filmed from the back). Apparently we have a similar voice. We talked things through, and he apologized many times over. The next morning things were good, or so I thought. During lunch, he brought it up again though, and threatened me saying if he found out it is me on the video, I will never be allowed to see your children again…. Honestly, at that point I could not believe what I was hearing. We discussed it again, and I told him how much that comment hurt. I have tried to forgive, and I felt for a few days that I had succeeded. However, now I feel that I cannot move forward from where I am with my incredibly hurt feelings. First, I am unjustly accused of cheating, and told that I cannot be trusted. Then the threats thrown at me regarding our kids. How can I now move forward when all he can say is “sorry” over and over again. I need some help in moving on here. I am not the kind of person to hold on to grudges, in fact I want to get on with my life as soon as possible! This situation however has me feeling overwhelmed and helpless, because I don’t know how I can affect my own feelings at this point. Please help!
Hi Anen, that’s a pretty huge situation. It’s quite a thing to accuse someone of, bound to break trust and cause issues, and we’d rather imagine that it has precedent, as most things do. Has your relationship been suffering for some time? Or is your husband under a lot of stress? Have there been past issues? Has he had any mental breaks in the past? Have there been issues with one of you using porn and the other not approving? Because this is a complicated heavy situation we’d highly advise you seek support before it spirals. A couples counsellor does not tell you what to do but creates a safe situation where you can communicate without causing damage, and he or she will ask powerful questions that can help you work through things far more quickly and will bring any unspoken things out to be processed and healed. You might find you only need a few sessions. Good luck!
10 years ago on my birthday, I found that my best friend since school had lied to me about attending my birthday meal. She told me her dad had to go to hospital, when in actual fact she went to a concert. I know it isn’t my fault, but I can’t understand why she did it.
Hi Anon, people are complicated and imperfect. Sometimes we all do silly things. Perhaps the concert was something thrilling for her and she had a selfish moment. Have you actually talked to her about this? As ten years is an awful long time to hold a grudge.
Hi there my boyfriend of 5 years has lied repeatedly about watching porn the problem is it effected our relationship to the point that he could not get it up when was was making love as he had spent too much time watching porn to releave himself. He does it at work also. Now porn wasn’t a problem but more so the fact he can’t get it up in the bedroom and the lieing about it. He knows how it has effected our sex life and how it’s got to the point now in our relationship he’s doing it at work home and the trust is broken its been 7 times now always a big argument with him saying he will change so he can love me properly . We’ve been to therapy couples therapy and he’s been to cbt. I don’t know what else to do all I want is to be loved by my partner and share that special bond but the lies and the not getting it up in the bedroom has really knocked me about I don’t know what else to do. Am I at a loss and need to move on and accept somtimes people can’t change?
Hi Kelly, porn is an addiction. Addictions are addictions because the person can’t control them but is controlled by them. If he is a porn addict expecting to just change because he ‘should’, because you want him to, or even because he wants to doesn’t work. It takes extended therapy and a commitment to overcoming addiction. And what someone needs if they have an addiction is support and attempts to understand. If you can’t do that, if you can only be full of rage and blame, and if this is perhaps triggering your own unresolved issues, then you might need to move on or take a break. The choice is yours, nobody else can tell you what to do, it’s up to you. What came up in couples therapy? As it seems to be a lot more going on here then just the porn/sex. Often relationship issues can become the scapegoat for a greater unhappiness. The only person you can control here is you, and if you need support with this, worth considering seeing an individual counsellor yourself, who could help you work through what option works for you.
Hi there. Ive been in this relationship for 5 years now and in the first few months I saw a call come through on his phone from a contact named “wifey” , we argued about it but i moved on from it , 2 years down the line , i found out that he had been cheating on from the very early months of our relationship till to date and i was so angry , but i never left. it continued and i knew about it but i stayed . He finally asked to be open about the 2 relationships to me and i stupidly agreed and i was pregnant at the time , months after i had our baby , i decided i don’t wanna be in that kind of relationship anymore and i ended things . He came back weeks later and asked that we start afresh with no one else but us in the relationship and I agreed , honestly he has been honest and truthful for the past 7 months and I have been nothing but angry and mean, just up and down with my emotions . I keep on being reminded by all the things he did to me for all those years and the worst part is that the girl he cheated on me with or had this relationship with , now works with me . I see her everyday. I love him but im still in so much pain from everything. PLEASE HELP ME
Hi Robyn, we can’t obviously sort out this very complicated situation for you over a comment box. We can say that it sounds really messy. And that to choose to be involved in that sort of situation and go back to it would mean that there are probably a lot of issues involving self worth going on for you. And that there are probably deep issues going right back to childhood. This isn’t the sort of thing to be sorted out overnight. You’d have to decide you want better for yourself and commit to doing what it takes to raise your self esteem and find proper support.
the person I love for almost a decade. he just left me broken into thousands of pieces…
he left me in 2011, all because of his studies, his career, then said sorry when he realized it was only his mistake… again in 2015 he nd I were together…for about 5 months..again he just dumped me ..I begged him a lot , I was suffering from Chicken pox at that time… in 2016 I went to his place many times with chocolates, flowers, gifts etc… just to make him understand that he should calm down… I just wanted him to be my friend…. he used me… he slept with me… all the time I stopped him, he said there’s nothing wrong in it…
nd all these years. we were in contact… he used to call me, video calls , messages etc… nd suddenly he blocked me without any reason nd yesterday he told my friends that he used me, so??? he don’t love me…that’s a fact…. how??? nd he said I was just forcing him….
how could he hurt me to this extreme???
I will never ever forgive him…. not in this birth…nor in the next birth
Hi xyz, sounds tough. And give yourself time to heal before even thinking about forgiveness. But at the same time, there is a lot going on here that suggests you could use some support learning what healthy relationships and love actually are http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide and perhaps healing deep rooted issues that mean you are codependent http://bit.ly/codependentall. So this could be in some ways an opportunity to admit to yourself that you could use some support, and then to get out and seek it so the next time you decide to get involved with someone it is from a stronger, healthier place.
I am finding hard to forgive my husband for allowing his ex-wife to be abusive to myself and my children. For more than 6 years I have lived with the fear of her turning up at my house, seeing her at school, having he relay something spiteful through my stepchildren.
At the start of our relationship her behaviour was irrational and I begged him to set official/legal boundaries but he did not. Living 20 miles away helped but when our son was born we moved closer to his children (his choice) and ever since I’ve lived in anxiety. She’s turned up being abusive on our son’s first birthday, threatened to contact my work, sent me vicious messages from her daughter’s phone (I had to block her number due to constant abuse) on my birthday.
I even went to the police which infuriated my husband but I just could not cope anymore. There are always promises that he will sort it out and put some boundaries in place but she only has to call him and he will do whatever she asks. She abandons her kids with us to go on holiday with only a couple of days notice (she says they hate me but she still wants me to look after them) even though my husband and I work full time. He claims to want to spend more time with them but inevitably it is me who is then doing the extra work of cooking, cleaning, dealing with bickering from three extra children. In all honesty it has caused a huge fracture in my relationship with them as now they are just a reminder of the fact their father cares more about making his first wife’s life easier than her does about mine. He knows I feel this way but perpetuates this pantomime of family life.
I still live the person he is but part of me wants to leave as there is no empathy and respect for me in our relationship and my feelings are manifested as anger and irritability.
Hi Anon, we don’t think this is a question of forgiveness. Which would not help anything here, as it sounds far too soon for genuine forgiveness, and it would be taking the ‘I’m right you’re wrong’ seat which would do nothing but cause more anger and upset. This sounds like a total breakdown of communication. We imagine the entire situation is more complicated than this comment, and we’d need to know his side too. When communication breaks down we can’t see any other perspective or understand our partner’s actions, which may be for very different reasons than we think. Don’t get us wrong, his actions don’t sound great, but there might be more complicated reason for it. And your own actions are likely adding to the fire, it’s always a two way street. We’d highly recommend couples therapy here. It creates a safe space and gives you both the tools to communicate without pulling each other to pieces. If it did turn out that the relationship really was at its end, then it also would help you navigate that in a productive over destructive way. Good luck!
My boyfriend of a year stopped “engaging” with the sexy pictures and videos I sent him just after a couple of months into the relationship. I was very upset as I am a very sexual person and still very interested in getting his pictures/video. But this escalated when I found out he masturbated over pictures of Instagram “babes”. It really was heartbreaking. I always knew he watched porn and I wasn’t bothered cause I watch it as well.
But in porn I think it’s more about what they do, whereas in Instagram they don’t do anything, they’re just girls posing sexy, exactly as I did (and I’m a good looking girl). But my stuff went unnoticed after a little while. After that I started to feel so inadequate. I’ve always been told by guys that I was very hot etc whereas now I started noticing every little detail about my body that I don’t like. And comparing myself to all those people I see on Instagram and porn. It’s so tough. I’ve lost interest in everything and I feel so betrayed as if he slept with someone else. I feel so underrated. It’s so hard.
Amber, this sounds like a serious self-esteem issue. It’s not normal or healthy to only rate yourself based on how you look, we’d highly advise seeking some counselling over this. Who you are is nothing to do with your body, and needing attention from men based on that is not a good place to be in. It will just lead to constantly feeling unappreciated and unseen. Because you aren’t appreciating and seeing yourself. Of course you’ll attract shallow men with short attention spans – this is a shallow way of being.
My father reset my mother’s diamond into another ring and gave it to my step-mother. She had terminal cancer, and had decided to give the ring to my younger sister. When she died, her daughter refused to give the ring to my father or myself because we were being “selfish”. My father died just 18 days after my step-mother. Her daughter “forgot” to bring the ring with her when she came to retrieve her mother’s posessions, and did not send it when I sent a letter requesting the ring (informing her it was my mother’s diamond.) My sister died two years later. This has been eight years ago. I mentally forgive her on a regular basis, but whenever the memory arises the pain returns. I know that there is so much grief surrounding the memory of this ring, but I just want the pain to end.
Hi Valerie, it sounds like your grief and the ring have become tied up together in your mind. Have you sought any counselling for grief? As that is a lot of loss in a relatively small amount of time, and if you are still so upset eight years later it might have turned into what is called ‘complicated grief’, something it is recommended to get support on.
The people I can’t forgive are my sons. They are 15 and 17 and on Xmas I found out they have been smoking pot for a year. Using money from a part time job that the younger one had – that I had been so proud of him for getting. My husband was also upset – took away their phones, ransacked bedrooms and will submit them to random drug tests. But he can talk to them still. He sits down, has dinner, watches football with them. I cannot. I hate them for what they’ve done to this family. It will never be the same again. I’m considering leaving because I shake with anger when I’m around them. I don’t see me ever forgiving them. Or having a good relationship with them ever again. Oddly enough I had many many conversations with them about drugs over the years. And had told them that if they ever tried them, they would be kicked out of house. Well, they used them. But my husband says they are too young to be kicked out of house. I want them gone.
Hi there. You caught your kids doing something you are morally opposed to. That’s upsetting as a parent. We get that. And yet this is not just anger, it’s rage and hatred and condemnation. There is no way this would arise from one situation, particularly one that is really a fairly average teenage behaviour, experimenting with soft drugs. They are not using heroin or running around with knives or hurting others. They have been using pot. With money they earned and did not steal. And yet you hate them and want to totally abandon them. The punishment is not matching the crime. In summary, we’d say this frustration and rage would be developed over a long period of time, most likely from your own childhood. Usually in the case of such extreme anger and an ability to hate your own child there is abandonment, rejection, or abuse in childhood that leaves us unable to love unconditionally. We are not saying your sons are perfect. We are sure it’s a complicated story, all families are. But you are exploding your rage all over your two sons and are in danger of destroying your family. We’d suggest you seek professional help before that happens.
I have been married for 39 years. During those years I have waivered in my love for my husband when I have had strong feelings of resentment. I know that I have not been strong about expressing my own needs nor about attending to my own needs. For most of this time he has not initiated sexual contact with me. I resented this. He sought a sexual experience outside the marriage of a unique sort which wasn’t consummated but did betray personal information about me and our children.. I resented that. He has had numerous surgeries and I have cared for him. He has been dealing with cancer for 19 years and uses exercise as a means of slowing its growth. This means he often Chooses to structure his day and his weeks and months around his lengthy exercise schedule of three hours a day or more. A few weeks ago I suffered a fracture and tryed to reach him to come help me. Although he did come eventually, he did not come right away. He helped me for the first three weeks after my accident, but then has left me on my own. I have been consumed by resentment of this current situation which has reignited my resentment of everything that has happened previously.. I realize that I have been a partner in each of these situations And I let them happen, Even though I know that I am a partner in this imbalance, I am raging with anger underneath the weight of the 39 years. At the same time I want to release these resentments because my husband is a good person, we are growing older, and I know that we can help each other through our older years and could even enjoy time together again. I am just sick at heart that I feel so caught in this pit of anger.
Bless Janet we really appreciate how kind you are, and how much you are willing to take responsibility and see the bigger picture. We can sense you love your partner very much. Each person has their own way of showing love, and he might not have the ‘help out physically’ way. But you didn’t mention how he DOES give back. Of course we also don’t know either one of you or the whole situation so it could be that this is a case of codependency, where you are constantly giving up your own wellbeing to serve another. Yes, that would be your choice, and the change would have to come from you. If we never give people boundaries they will eventually walk all over us…But no matter how much you changed or worked on yourself you can’t change another person so he would have to be willing to do his half and take his responsibility and also want to work toward a healthy relationship and accept your new healthy boundaries. In summary, it sounds that you two need some serious communication uplevelling. Do you think he’d be willing to go to couples counselling? We think it would really benefit you both. If not, it would be worth seeking counselling for yourself to get some support in the tricky business of setting firm boundaries as well as asking for what you deserve in the relationship when things have gone on so long otherwise. We truly hope this all works out for you. Best, HT.
My boyfriend and i had an argument about a month ago, i have noticed that he, it seems to me ‘checks out’ other women, he does so more women/girls with blonde hair. I told him the day after we went out shopping i noticed he kept looking at the same blonde haired woman and i was upset by it again but he said he was looking at the advertisement that she was sat next to. (I seem to find it hard to bring up there and then at the time so I say about it the day or week after).
So anyhow, I questioned it and then he blurts out ‘I like blonde hair ‘. He then goes on to say he’s interested in hair / wanted to be a hairdresser when he was 17. But then other times (because i still feel I’m not able to forgive him, i keep bringing it up. 🙁 he’s said that he said it out of anger and because I kept going on at him. I have dark brown hair of course and I keep feeling down about it. Was he lying when he said he said it because he’s interested in hair or even when he said it out if anger? Now a month later he says he regrets saying it and he definitely doesn’t like blonde hair.
I feel there maybe some truth in it, why would he say this in the first place and if i have noticed he double glances, keeps looking at blonde hair women/girls. I have made him pay for saying this, writing the things he loves about me physically. He’s even read it out to me. He is getting better at when an attractive woman walks by (blonde hair or not) he’ll look in another direction or at the floor so I am reassured. Or he will comment something nice about me or what I’m wearing.
I just can’t get past his comment.
Thankyou so much for your help!
Hi Roni, we are sorry that this is not going to be the answer we want, but hopefully it will be the answer that actually helps long term. What we see here is a whole lot of obsessive overthinking, really low self-esteem, and a deep need for control. In other words this is more about you than him, we are afraid. If we are obsessive and controlling in relationships the other person feels ‘cornered’. If we don’t trust others and are constantly monitoring and interrogating them they are far more likely to resort to lying as we are effectively scaring them and they go into defense mode. We are not saying that he is or isn’t a good or bad boyfriend, but we are saying we suspect this level of suspicion, doubt, and control, is not new for you. We’d suggest you learn what healthy relationships are (http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide) and explore why your self esteem is so low that you constantly need vindication of other’s approval and love and choose relationships you don’t feel safe in. This type of deep distrust doesn’t come out of nowhere, more often than not it comes from a childhood you didn’t receive the love and appreciation you needed or experienced difficulties and trauma, and these issues need to be looked at and resolved. Finally, being in a relationship doesn’t mean we don’t look around at other people. That is completely unrealistic. It means we know we are in a safe, trusted, and comfortable environment we can notice others are attractive but it has little relevance as we are happy with who we are with. You don’t trust your boyfriend, but it’s time to recognise that you are certainly not yourself creating a safe or trusted environment here yourself. Again, this will come from your own difficult experiences, and we would say go gentle on yourself. You are probably doing the best you can with the knowledge you have. But time to learn new ways of seeing and behaving that attract the love you long for instead of constantly drive it away. Best, HT
Thankyou for your reply.
What can you suggest I do? Or ways to help me?
Hi Roni, we’d suggest you find proper support in the form of counselling and psychotherapy as these issues run deep and it can be hard to see our own unhealthy behaviours when we are trapped in them and therapy can also help you grow your self-esteem. Other than that, again, as we suggested, learn about what healthy relationships actually are. There are hundreds of good books on healthy relationships out there. And google for articles on things like needing control. We don’t have an article in this yet but will write one soon. Best, HT
Hello
So I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me by Facebook messenger. So guy back in September 2018 text him asking how long was he sleeping with his girlfriend so I did some digging and found my boyfriend got this girl pregnant and she has had the baby now born in the march 2019. My boyfriend lie to me saying he never cheated then said we was on break when it happened but we have never broken up. We have 3 children together and he wants to be in this child life but I just dont see how he thinks this will work having our family then this other child around my kids and me as am still with him at this moment in time but I can’t forgive him. I still try to fine out things this has take over my life its all I think about. I cry most days and nights! am mess I just don’t know how to be happy again.
Hi there. It’s a tough situation. So it’s normal to feel lost and have emotional swings. But the thing is sounds like this has been going on a long time? You found out in 2018, baby born in 2019? If it’s really that upsetting for you, what exactly is keeping you in the relationship? We are not making any judgement call or saying what is right or wrong, we are merely pointing out that if you are so unhappy you can’t function we are unable to understand why you are staying. Even if you have three kids, those kids need their mother to be functioning. We also don’t understand what you mean when you say he can’t be with you and your children and then see his other child. As that can work practically, and if you are going to stay in such a messy situation by choice, compromise will have to be made for your sanity and so that your other three kids don’t suffer. In summary, you are making choices here. The situation was out of your control but the choices you are making now with how you respond and deal with this are in your control. So you were a victim of his first actions, but you are not a victim when it comes to what choices you make right now, those are on you. If you find yourself unable to see clearly and make decisions but are so angry you are trapped in acting helpless we highly advise you seek professional help. A therapist will help you raise your self esteem enough to start to understand the choices you actually have here. Best, HT
Thank you for getting back to me. I suffer from depression and have to take medication for it. I have tried to leave but he always makes me feel bad or worried for him when I do as he acts all upsets then disappear for days on end getting drunk . He’s got to a point where he’s always checking what am doing who am talking to and puts me down all the time.. I have looked into counselling put don’t think I can afford it. I don’t really know why I cant seem to leave and be done with it
Hi there. So note how you say, “he always MAKES ME FEEL”… Nobody can make you feel anything. You are the one who chooses to feel what you feel and how you respond. We say this not to make you feel bad, but the contrary… just to again point out that you have more power than you realise, despite being trapped in victim mentality, which is normal when we are in addictive relationships (use the search bar to find our articles on addictive relationships and also trauma bonding). It’s hard to leave these sorts of relationships as they are addictive, and also because we end up in these sorts of scenarios because of childhood traumas and experiences that leave us with unconscious beliefs that this is what we deserve. Help often is essential. You need to accept that you have power here and grow you self-esteem, and this is what professional support offers you. There is low to no cost counselling available if you hunt for it, here’s an article to give you ideas http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Otherwise there might be a family charity in your country that can offer help. Best, HT
Hi Harley.
I have been looking after my brother and sister since I was in high school .After school hours and every weekend while my parents was working during the week and gambling on weekends.My mother had a serious gambling problem,,she didn’t do any payments that she was suppose to do and go gamble on a regular basis .We live in a very dangerous area,which have been labelled as a ‘red-zone’ area.I didn’t have much of a childhood as I was looking after kids almost my whole life. Apart from this, I started to build up this wall between my mother and I,as I could not understand how can a mother leave her kids just like that returning the early hours of the next day?On a monthly basis I was verbally abused and even physically at times.I was about 16,17 years old.Today I am 30 years old,working full time and a part time Masters student ,I also have a son and I take my son everywhere I go,not letting him out of my site.I do not have a relationship with my mother at all.All the pain that I have gone through over the years,made me not having the same relationship with my son.I am a single mother and I am involved in my sons everyday activities.I tell him how much I love him,say sorry to him when he is mad,give him the biggest hugs.Seeing him smile is just the biggest blessing a mother could asked for.I didn’t have this growing up.My mother and I recently had the biggest argument ever, all that feelings of the verbal abuse came back.She even gone so far by talking bad stuff behind my back to the people I’m close with.Telling people that I am not a great mother and even informed our family.All of this happened while I was busy with research for a project.How could I ever forgive her ? I took over all their financial responsibilities and cared for my son,all I wanted from them was a ,Thank you.I am proud of you?All this had effected me as I person so bad,I started questioning myself?I prayed and asked God just to heal my heart,to be strong for my son.I prayed and asked God what did I do to be treated like this?how can a person honor your mother and father when you have been treated like this all your life?When will I live for me and be happy?I am in that stage where my mind wants to forgive but my heart is not ready.All of the bad memories replays in my mind.I cannot trust my mother at all.
You ask, ‘when will I live for me and be happy?”. That’s a good question to ask. It sounds like you are still stuck in the past, which can happen when we have a traumatic childhood. The unexpressed anger our childlike self had to hold in is carried into our adult life, and stops us from being present to what is or being happy or even seeing anyone clearly no matter how much they might have changed. So what are you going to do with all this anger and resentment? As it’s yours now, not your mother’s, or your father’s, but yours. We would highly suggest that you seek support. As you point out, this fury is now colouring your entire life, you can’t move on or be happy. So it’s no small thing, and if you had the wherewithal to navigate it alone sounds you would have, as you are obviously a resilient woman who can make things happen. It also sounds like your past is affecting your parenting because in your effort to not be your mother you are ‘not letting your son out of your sight’ and ‘taking him everywhere I go’. Even children need some personal space, and if a child is the sole source of a parent’s happiness it can be quite a psychological burden that they then suffer from when they become an adult. In summary, you sound at breaking point. What is holding you back from seeking support in the form of counselling or psychotherapy?
As I’m reading this article I really resonate with the part that forgiving does not mean condoning the other person’s behavior. I think that’s why I can’t forgive but I’m not sure. I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years and since the beginning we have had the recurring problem where I feel like he prioritizes his friends over me. He works nights so when we can see each other he will sometimes choose to see his friends instead or change our plans last minute to include his friends. I have told him it hurts me to feel like second choice to his friends, and he has made an effort to plan more dates and alone time. Recently it happened again where we were supposed to go to a party together and he decided to go early without me to hang out with his friends and told me to “meet him there when everyone else shows up.” I was so hurt by this and he quickly apologized and ended up not going to the party, but it reminded me of all the other times I felt like second best. I can’t get over it for some reason, and it makes it worse that I live with my parents and they see every time he makes me upset. In their perspective his behavior is unforgivable, and that makes me feel ashamed that I am still with him and trying to work it out. I feel like I can move past his past mistakes some days, but other days I am gripped by a feeling of resentment and embarrassment I have let so many things slide in the past. At this point I’m not sure if it is the right thing to forgive him, or if I should just move on.
Here’s something I just cannot seem to get to the bottom of. While I understand that counselling assumes we have inside us the answer to all our issues, I’m stumped.
Briefly I grew up with a lot of emotional abuse which has left scars but I have had a lot of therapy over the years. I understand and have dealt with most if not all (that is humanly possible). I was abused emotionally at home and school. As a child I had no voice and no friends (anyone who tried to befriend me was immediately bullied until they stopped, and they would send people to me to pretend to be friends. Gain my trust and then laugh at me because it was a lie). You get the idea. At home my mothers narcissistic traits were always at the forefront, my brother the golden child and myself the scape goat.
Anyway I’m sure you can imagine how that was.
So here’s my problem, I do not tend to do well with friendships. I might get along with someone for a while and then I just don’t (they insult my morals and principles) and I can never get past that.
Recently there was a post put up about an animal that in my opinion was abuse in a group. It wasn’t beaten or that sort of abuse but a young animal being asked to physically work out when it was too young. That is abuse to me and I posted a comment on my personal page. I waited for the admin to remove the post and they didn’t so I posted up a complaint.
This resulted in me leaving the group. In my mind I cannot be a part of something that supports abuse of any kind. This other person made some excuses and stayed. Morally and ethically that supports the person abusing the animal and the admins are also supporting it.
I can ‘marry’ the situation with my childhood traumas, if one person had stood up a teacher or parent or someone my abuse would have stopped, should have been stopped but everyone in my early life turned a blind eye just like she did to that poor animal who also had no voice of its own.
And so I need to decide how I can either find a way to move past this and remain friends with this person (I cannot respect her for this) or do what I always do and just walk away. That’s my pattern- I literally emotionally check out and off I go.
Can I really keep doing that in my life…
Hi Constance, we are not sure where you got the idea that we have all the answers to all our issues inside of us. Life isn’t math. It’s instead complicated and messy. Some things simply don’t have answers. What then helps is acceptance and compassion. These are two tools you seem to be struggling with. Have any of your therapists discussed rigid thinking, or black and white thinking, with you? As you seem to be caught up in it. Life and people come in many shades of grey. If we always expect them to agree with us we will always be lonely. Sometimes this kind of thinking is a sign of a personality disorder, where from late adolescence onward we have simply thought and behaved in ways outside a perceived ‘norm’ and find it extremely hard to have relationships with others. In this case, we need to learn to understand how other people think and teach ourselves to try to see their perspective. Otherwise, this sort of rigid thinking can come from a lack of acceptance and compassion for ourselves we then project outwards. When was the last time you did therapy, and did any of this get discussed?
Thank you for getting back to me.
The idea of having our own answers inside us to our problems is something I learned when I was doing a counselling course. Perhaps things have change since then.
It has been several years since I was in any therapy, but yes black and white thinking was mentioned but never explored. None of the psychologists or therapists I have seen have ever mentioned a personality disorder although I Have always suspected I fall somewhere on the autism scale, on a side note, my brother has just been diagnosed with this.
I suspect my rigid thinking stems from the never being good enough and The scapegoat treatment I recieved from my mother and me always trying to be perfect so that I would be left alone or find some positivity from her, a need that was never met in my childhood.. I can recall (possibly) my first incident I had with this.. . It is something I know I struggle with and hate, I just didn’t associate it with those actual terms.
In primary school we were doing the cycling proficiency test, I again trying to be perfect so that someone would acknowledge me in a positive way… completed my test perfectly.
One of the teachers failed me because I didn’t stop at the junction (I had stopped, she just hasn’t seen me). I pleaded with her that I had and she called me a liar and accused me of trying to cheat. It was at that point I feel that the rigid thinking really took hold. I gave it a lot of thought, felt very wronged by that teacher but I also understood that children lie and that she assumed I had done the same.. that ripped any power I felt I had from me completely..
Anyway this is something that has always bugged me and inside I know it’s not working and I need to change it (want and need) I just couldn’t identify exactly what it was to be able to work on it!
Thank you so very much! This will allow me to begin to lay down new thought processes and hopefully retrain my brain.
Your help is very much appreciated. Thank you again!
Hi Constance, glad you found it helpful. Definitely interesting re autism spectrum. You do seem, by the way, really hard on yourself, as we said, we need to be compassionate with ourselves first before we become comfortable extending it to others. We’d suggest you do consider seeing a psychiatrist for a consultation, in light of your brother’s diagnosis. And then we’d say that CBT therapy might be of interest. It doesn’t delve into your past, and it’s short term, but it focuses on identifying and changing unhelpful thought patterns. Or compassion-based therapy, which works to help you be easier on yourself and others. As for answers within we’d imagine that the course suggested we have answers within, as often we do. Is it possible you, without realising it, then registered that in your mind as ALL answers? If we have rigid thinking our mind naturally filters things this way. best, HT
Hi there Ali. We don’t see an issue of forgive/not forgive here. We see all sorts of other issues instead. Do you have your own social circle? Do you go out with friends, or do you rely on him for your sense of being liked and wanted? In a healthy relationship, we need to have our own life, our own interests, and our own self-esteem. We also don’t know how old you are, or what is driving you still living at home. But it’s interesting that this is another parallel where you are not being independent. so we are wondering if this is more a question of you over foccusing on this relationship and leaving your boyfriend feeling controlled then rebelling with bad behaviour simply as you are not truly living life on your own two feet and own terms. We can certainly imagine that it must feel a terrible pressure on him to know that you and your parents always disprove of him. Finally, if you are not happy with him, and he never lives up to your expectations, then why do you stay in the relationship? All interesting things to look at. We aren’t saying he is a perfect boyfriend. We don’t know him or you. What we are saying is that this seems like a lot of unhappiness and obsessing and resentment that we suspect is not really about him but about a life you are not happy in. Best, HT
Me and my husband have been married for 4 years and together for 6 yr. we married young, he was engaged to the mother of his child for a month when we met, the child was 4 and the baby came from a one night stand in college. He wanted to be with her friend and laid with her friend but she ended up getting in the bed (all drunk) her friend left and they had sex. After pursuing him, she had issues with me and disrespected me many different times. They both had stories on how their relationship wasn’t healthy and showed me messages of them cheating on each other. He told me she got ghonneria from someone else while she was pregnant and that she wasn’t sure if he was the father. Basically never been in love just stayed together for the child. After we met, we were in sync, we clicked and we immediately fell for each other. A year and a half into our marriage, I was forced to leave a job I was with for 5 years and invested in. My husband didn’t know exactly how to show love or affection since he never really had to, being young minded at the time, I allowed it to be received by someone else and had an affair for about a month. Morally, I couldn’t continue to live that lifestyle and I did truly love my husband. Just didn’t know how to be an adult about it at the time. I told him about it and he was very hurt and livid. Afterwards, I thought having an open relationship was the solution. We went through majority of that year disagreeing and not together and we had a miscarriage. I associated with the guy I cheated with 5-6 months later due to feeling like me and my husband weren’t going to work out. During that time he called his child’s mother and confided in her after getting drunk one day. A couple months later, me m my husband were toxic and still slept together, so I told him what I needed from him for us to be okay in the future and he set his boundaries. I stupidly compared his actions to that of the other guy and told him that I don’t think he’s just going to change. I told him he had to leave because I didn’t think sleeping together solved anything and that we maybe really did just need time apart to realize what we really want. He called his father and he drove him out to their family’s house In New Jersey which was 25 min away. Me and him didn’t speak during this period. But during this time I completely cut communication with the other guy and realized I didn’t feel for the other guy. He just gave me affection and said the right things in my time of vulnerability. My husband left for a week. He reached out to his child’s mom after not wanting to be with his family and stayed with her for a few days and slept with her twice. He came to play ball with my brother the next day and I seen him, my brother asked me if I wanted to go with them to the park and I agreed, wanting to be around my husband, understanding my wrongs and feeling stupid about it. I realized I was blocked from his phone since I was supposed to drive him but he ended up walking, the calls went straight to vm. After we got back to my house, I told him I was going to order out and see if he wanted to stick around to eat. He said he couldn’t and left. I called him that night and left a voicemail telling him that I miss him and that I was sorry for the way I acted. He text me complimenting me on how I looked at the park. Then he asked if I wanted to meet with him in the morning before I work. (He was transitioning into a new job) we met in the morning and he told me about them sleeping together and that he didn’t know what he was thinking. Although I felt betrayed, I knew I drove him out of the house to begin with but what confused me is how he was able to sleep with her after everything that happened with them and making it clear that he never really loved her and that the only thing that connected them was the child. I had a rough year after that and didn’t really forgive myself until a year ago. We got pregnant again in feb of 2019 and had a girl. We’ve been a lot healthier since then, being open about how we feel and our triggers. The things we want/need. We forgave each other and we’re in a very good place. The contact between them was based on the child but 5-6 months later, she texts him and asks him if he knew where she can get marijuana. He said no. I felt it was inappropriate and that he needed to address that they shouldn’t speak unless it pertains to the child, i reached out to her and she went off and tried to instigate what happened with them and I told her that I didn’t wanna see it anymore. At times, a situation will occur based on picking up or dropping off the child and she’ll do things that are very indirect to disrespect me. These things trigger me. I’ve spoken with my husband about these triggers and he helps me get through them but somewhere in the back of my mind I still replay that scenario and feel some of the pain. I don’t feel anger with him anymore but I do feel agitated with her, it’s very annoying to have her still be connected even though a child is involved it makes it harder. Working on trust and other things is less stressful when you’re doing it with the person you love but if there’s a third party continuously trying to stay in the picture (being very close with his sister and making it known) it makes it harder for me to continue the progress I’ve been building. It triggers me to think back to it and it makes me confused all over again.
I can’t forgive or forget…I’d like to say I’m a “survivor” of sexual abuse (an “uncle”) from as young as I remember till about 14yr old, physical, mental and emotional abuse from my mother (as young as I can remember – emotional/mental is ongoing and I’m 45yr old).
All the positive loving attachments in my life died and I was left with only toxicity. I met my partner when I was 20yr old – that resulted in being a volatile and hostile relationship. He was manipulating and quickly became physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. Two kids and 7yr later, the abuse reached its peak and I left with the kids. I moved towns and started a new life, after much trouble with him I cut him out of mine and the children’s life…but then he manipulated his way back in. We ended up trying again and true to his word there was no physical violence and the emotional / mental abuse was a struggle – it appeared to be more habit from a learned behaviour from his dad.
We married in 2012 and the mental/emotional was still a struggle. The weekend after the wedding, I pissed him off with my insecurity and he exploded, screaming in my face that he wanted a divorce. We lived like this for 4yr – me threatened by divorce every time I tried to say I wasn’t happy. Every time I tried to challenge him. He started “chatting” to “girls” on the PlayStation. He’d deny it, I’d find messages etc – nothing major that would bother me now to be fair, but at the time it was major to me cz of what he was doing to me.
Almost 8yr into our marriage, he’s changed so much. He’s tried so hard. He does all he can and he’s done so well but I’m plagued my the hurt he caused, the trauma I went through and the slightest thing he does now that may resemble an instance back then, triggers a tsunami of horror, despair and torment in me. I can’t get over what he put me through.
For the most part, I’m fine, but it lives there in the shadows. I can’t trust, I can’t relax, I can’t enjoy cz I know at any time these old feelings will knock the air from my lungs.
I also know that this would now happen with anyone I was with. It’s a “husband” thing cz he caused it, but it would impact negatively on any relationship.
I can’t stop blaming him for breaking me and turning me into a horrible person now, that I was never before. I’m so stuck.
My 21 yo daughter and I have a strained relationship. She has no respect for me or her father and she says such hurtful things to me and her siblings. I am so angry with her and want her to move out but of course her father says No, as always he never really makes her follow through with her threats, We no longer speak to each other and I am literally sick to my stomach. Why can’t I have a relationship with my daughter? I really think if she is out from under our roof she may grow up and realize how she inconsiderate and rude she was to us? I have decided that I will not be able to have a relationship with my daughter and I guess I have started grieving that there is no hope.
Hi Lorrie, the problem is that you blame everything on her. This is not the way relationships or families work. Families are working units. Each member of the unit plays a part. So for any sort of healing this blame game would have to stop. We are not at all saying she isn’t angry or unkind sometimes. We are saying that you too will have your ways of dealing with things that cause problems and as this comment shows you too can be angry and unkind, as you are human, as is she. Relationships are a dance, both people are taking steps. For any sort of healing to begin this ‘me against you’, ‘you are wrong, I am right’ has to stop, and if you want to see any change in life, and this pertains to every relationship any of us have, you have to start with yourself. Note that this sort of blame also destroys entire families, and we can see it is causing problems with you and your husband. Yes, 21 is old to still be at home. But sounds like this is a far bigger problem. Family therapy could help you all learn how to listen and communicate instead of just blaming each other. Best, HT.
Lin, as you say, this happens in all relationships, that it ‘would happen with anyone I was with’. It sounds like you have emotional dysregulation, which can happen after childhood trauma and adult trauma too, so given you have big doses of both it would be more surprising if you didn’t have this issue. Dysregulation means we are highly emotionally reactive. You are also suffering from victim mindset, even though you chose to go back to this relationship (understandable. Trauma bonding is very difficult to fight against https://bit.ly/traumabondHT.It)’s clear you love him and there has been a lot of growth. And that’s a good thing. But sounds like you’ve spent so much time fixing him you’ve had no time or energy to fix yourself. We’d say you really need support. This sort of lifelong trauma is near impossible to navigate alone. Can you afford therapy or counselling? If not use our guide to finding low to free therapy here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy
Willow. Note how long and detailed this comment is. It’s a story we sense you have told again and again, perfecting the details. We say this not as a judgement, but to point out that this is not at all about the events you are telling but something much bigger. And we’d suggest that bigger thing is anger. Even rage. You are angry at this woman, because she is the convenient person to put it all onto. But we suspect deep down you are also angry at your husband, no matter how much you love him, and then very, very angry at yourself. And all this anger churns around inside of you and you never feel settled or in your skin you always are tense waiting for something bad to happen… the next unfortunate thing…. sound familiar? We’d also say that all this endless drama is a choice you keep making and it is likely related to childhood learnings from before even meeting your husband. Things you learned about what love is and isn’t, for example. In summary, the place to start is not with this woman, it’s with you. We’d highly advise you seek support. Find a counsellor or therapist you feel you could grow to trust and start unpacking all of this as there is no quick fix. To be honest, even if this woman suddenly disappeared, you’d find a way to be upset about something else, because as you can see, something inside of you drives you toward upset and difficulties. The pattern is way, way bigger than this woman. Best, HT.
Hi there,
So me and my brother have been very close our whole lives, concerts together etc and such good friends. He met a girl and I was delighted I got on with her so well and I would call into her alot and we would all hang out together. Sometimes she was say or do things I didnt like and sometimes I felt insulted by her by throw away comments but I never held it against her. One day me and my brother and her met up and she had to go home to do an assignment and me and brother ended up staying out late having fun together. She was really annoyed that we didnt come home early and told my mother that she didnt do any of her assignment because she was worried about my brother. This is a tiny village in the country where nothing of course would have happened. But she never told me she was annoyed at all. A couple of weeks later a tragedy happened where her brother that she was not much in contact with died by suicide and of course it hit her hard. 2 weeks later her, me, my brother and my friend went to a local gig. I suggested cancelling as I felt maybe she did not want to socialise. But she said she wanted to go out and that a night out would do her good so we all went. She brought up the night me and my brother had our previously to my friend a couple of times that night and my friend told me that she thought she was a bit angry about it still. I felt bad about this. We had a nice time at the gig and we all drank a bit too much. When we all got back to their house my friend and my brother went to bed and me and my brothers girlfriend stayed up talking. She suggested to me she wanted to do volunteer work for a suicide prevention society. I told her I thought that wasnt a good idea at the moment for her and also that in my opinion the suicide prevention society wasnt very good and as I’ve dealt with lots if suicide in my profession that I believe it didnt prevent suicide as much as someone would have hoped. At that moment she got so so angry at me and started shouting at me about how horrible I was. I never ever meant to hurt her and also we both definitely had too much to drink. She ran away from me upstairs shouting at me and I followed her around the house shouting back to just listen to me please and that I need to clarify what I said. She was having none of it. My brother woke up and saw her all upset and me following her around and her shouting at me to get away from her. I felt like I couldnt leave it like that. She called me a fucking bitch and she was screaming hysterically and then I just said, psycho. I never should have said this and my brother had to shout at me to go to bed and leave her alone. I went to bed. In the morming my brother text me and asked me to leave without saying good bye to her. He called me that evening and told me that she never wanted to see me ever again. I was angry because of it all and I said well the feeling is mutual. I then realised I did not mean that and of course I would do anything to make it up to her. I feel so awful that I made her so upset at such a horrible time in her life. I text her twice and told her how sorry I was and if she could please forgive me. She never replied. This was now a year and a half ago. I have text her 4 times and she never replied to me. She has even blocked me. I have struggling so much about this. Me and my brothers relationship is totally different now. I since moved abroad with my boyfriend and my brother never ever calls me or texts me. I text her telling her my brother is my life and I cannot deal with this. I told her I loved her and him and really would love if she would speak to me. Last october we flew home for a family wedding and she was very polite to me in front of everyone and I thought maybe things now would be different. But now I know she was only being polite to me in public. She has thr support of my other sister who now I have a very strained relationship with also and I cant help but feel that this has fueled this. My boyfriend and me got engaged and my brother wouldn’t come down the road to us to celebrate the news. He just text me a message congratulations. We are getting married in September and I’m so upset I dont have their support. I know my brother will attend but I’m not sure she will. I wish she could forgive me and I feel like I have tried everything to make amends. I miss my brother so so much. It’s hard living abroad away from my family and this other level of separation from him is so hard for me to deal with. He barely speaks to me. I have told him he and her are more than welcome to visit anytime and that I would love to see them but he has never visit. I’m really struggling with this. It’s on my mind daily and sometimes I have sleepless nights about it. Please help me.
Hi Claire. Notice how long your comment is, how detailed. We are willing to bet you go over this story often, almost like rubbing a rock with your thumb. In fact it might even be addictive, something you tell whoever will listen. It’s become a ‘story’, perhaps suffering a few tweaks along the way. As it is your perspective. So here’s the thing. First of all, you are over identifying with it, which leads us to suspect your sense of self was weak even before this girlfriend came along. Second of all, no amount of thinking is going to change this. You simply can’t control or change other people or what they think and feel. The only person you have any control of is yourself. What you can do is seek support for all this anxiety and to look at at your sense of self and esteem. We feel (or in fact are almost certain) there is a bigger story here somehow. That there is more to this, a bigger history from before this girlfriend, perhaps even involving more of your family than just your brother and starting from childhood. And that you’d benefit from some sessions with a therapist. Best, HT
Hi, I have been married for 25 years . From the forst year of marriage I have been through various episodes of my husband cheating on me multiple times , hitting me a few times, yelling and abusing off and on , getting upset with me if I went to see my friends . He even got upset once when I went to see my mom at the hospital at around 11 pm once . He doesn’t like me going out or having any friends . I argue back and tell him this is ridiculous . And I moved him out of our bedroom after he slapped me so hard that I was almost unconscious . He talks ill about me to my family also sometimes . He tells me all the time that he loves me a lot and he likes to take care of me . I am very confused by his behavior . I have two kids and I’m financially dependent so it’s difficult to leave . I wonder if he bipolar . I feel detached now and I maintain a distance . I want to forgive and be at peace , but at the same time I don’t want him to misread my forgiveness and start mistreating me again/ more .
Hi Pam, as you are aware none of this is healthy. We’d highly advise you seek some support. You say you are financially dependent. So we’d suggest you look for a charity in your country that helps women in abusive relationships. Or google for a free helpline. If you are in the UK we have a list here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. Otherwise read our article on how to find free to low cost counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Best, HT.
My current partner has said she no longer loves me after we have been together for 6 years. Her main reason for falling out of love is that she believes I put my Ex first, over her. This stems from when I decided to give my Ex my old house as I wanted the best for my two boys who were 8 and 10 at the time. I put 30 per cent of the house into a trust for them when they got older but didn’t take any money out of the old house. My current partner says I haven’t done this for my kids as there is no way they will ask their mum to move out when they are older. I did what I thought was the right thing and now I am losing the love of my life. I feel that I can’t forgive myself for the choices I made then and I can’t ask my current partner to forgive me as she says the hurt is too deep.
Hi there Dave, we understand that this seems the ‘main reason’. But in fact we can guarantee it’s far more complicated, that the two of you have had issues for a long time, that perhaps you didn’t want to see or deal with. Or she had other issues she didn’t mention. Either way, it’s not that you are the ‘bad’ guy and she is the ‘good’ one. No chance. Relationships are 50/50 every time, even if it’s just that we decided to be in the relationship. So first of all give up that story, it helps nobody. She will have done her own share of unfair things. There are no saints in any relationship. Now here’s the thing. She’s made her choice. You can’t change another person or control their choices. You only have control over yourself.And it’s clear you have low self esteem, constantly feel not good enough for women (even if they might be, say, controlling or demanding). So we’d say if you have the budget, seek some support. We feel there is something bigger going on here, something we imagine has roots in childhood, that has you in relationships that leave you always feeling in the dog house, and regretting your choices. If you don’t figure that bit out and raise your esteem and sense of self, you’ll end up in yet another relationship with the same pattern. Are we saying you’ll never be back with this woman, not at all. We are saying this isn’t about her or what happened, it’s now about you, and one of the most attractive thing we can do is not try to beg someone back but to work on ourselves and develop the skills to have healthy relationships and attract people who accept and understand us. Best, HT.
8 months ago, in early January, my boyfriend of 1 year at the time (almost 2 now) and I had decided to take a break from the relationship and be friends. It was a big, hard decision for us both. We still felt there was a future with each other, still wanted to marry each other one day, it was just outside circumstances that made the relationship a bit of a challenge. Before we had a final hug and kiss goodbye, Chris (that’s him) asked me to promise I wouldn’t “move on” and talk to others very fast (because he still felt we had a future). I promised I wouldn’t. I found out that within 30 minutes of our parting, he had texted numerous women. One of which was someone we’d argued over in the past. Her name was Joclyn, she was a good, old friend of mine who strayed from a good path. She became a drug user and extremely.. promiscuous to say the least. When Chris had tried to get close to her in the beginning of the relationship, I put a stop to it. My jealousy, and insecurities of her stemmed from her revealing, sexy, “easy to get” nature/attitude. I was nothing like her. In fact, I looked nothing like her at all. I’m very petite, short, and when I’d met Chris I hadn’t even had my first kiss. She was taller, slim thick, with large “assets.” Anyways, he showed her Instagram profile to his friends and decided to try and get her nudes (within thirty minutes of our separation). That day was a very hard day for me, despite agreeing to be just friends. I regretted it within an hour. I ended up high, which was not good since I don’t smoke. Alone. And in constant tears for hours. In a public park nonetheless! I called and texted Chris constantly, trying to get him back. But no avail, as long as he was with his friends it would be impossible to get through to him. They advised him to ignore me, explore other options, and mess around. Joclyn never did give him nudes out of respect for me. But, I remember when I had finally gotten home that night.. my phone was logged into his insta for a brief minute when I opened the app. And upon seeing all the messages and threads, I broke. I no longer.. wanted to live. I self harmed, and unfortunately I have a dark scar on my wrist today, 8 months later. Many tears later, I got in bed, with him still ignoring me and sent one last text. It was long, and heartfelt, and I asked him to talk to me the next day at college. You see, we had had little “separations” before. But they never lasted more than an hour, wed loved each other too much to stay apart.. no matter the circumstances or argument. So this demeanor he’d given me, was not something I expected at all. I know his friends played a big part in it. Anyways, after the message was sent, I fell asleep. In the morning I got a simple three word reply “I love you.” But no speak of any chance that he’d discuss getting back together or anything. That morning, a close friend of ours, Mel, gave me a ride to school (she gave them a ride too After dropping me off, we were all good friends). She wanted to see what I’d done (the cuts). Reluctantly I showed her. One was very deep. She bought me bandages and helped me with the cuts. Later, I found out that upon picking up the boys after me, she cried to them all. Cried. About my self harm. Christopher’s friends told him I was stupid and to continue to ignore me. He got out of the car and told them he was going to me, he couldn’t ignore me. By this point, I did not expect to see him or talk to him. I had accepted the fate of the relationship, sadly. Which was odd, and surprising since I’d had issues with separation anxiety with him. But to my surprise, as I talked to a friend before class, he came up behind me and asked to talk. He took time to a “spot” of ours on campus and hugged me. He hugged me.. with more loved, tender caring, regret, and protection than I’d ever felt from him before. I saw his eyes tear up afterwards. Than he told me that he knew I’d cut. He wanted to see. When I showed him.. I received another hug of the exact same nature and emotion. I cried in his arms. When we pulled apart, he wiped my tears and told me he wanted me back.. if I was willing. I did. After that, things have never been better. He changed. He put in effort, more than I’d ever gotten. He cared for me, took care of me. He was.. loyal in every aspect of the term. He doesn’t even like to look at women anymore. He’s true to his word. He earned my trust.. all over again, and he hasn’t gone back to his old ways. Our love is much stronger. But still, I find myself thinking about.. Joclyn a lot. He wanted her nudes. Wanted to mess around. He wanted her.. and my insecurities about it make me feel quite worthless at times. I feel so.. ugly and unattractive when I think of her, or see her, or even hear her name. Because.. I don’t know if he would prefer I looked like that, he’s clearly into it. And I’m not it at all. And it scares me how quickly he went to her, among others. It was shocking and heartbreaking considering.. we had taken each other’s virginity. I thought.. I had meant more. Only a few minutes before he’d texted them that day. They were all prettier than me. I don’t know how to let go.. it’s been 8 months. It haunts my thoughts and my self esteem continues to decline. He doesn’t know how to help. But he hates taking about Joclyn. One conversation about her will have him distant for a day or two.. he gets hurt and ashamed. And I don’t want him to feel that way. I’m not angry anymore, not at all. I forgave. I just can’t.. forget. It just hurts. I don’t know what to do. It’s at a point to where.. I get bothered if there are sex scenes in shows, whether there’s nudity or not. And he skips them, whether he’s with me or not, he respects how I feel.. but it shouldn’t be that way.. should it? Shows shouldn’t hurt me. Movies shouldnt hurt me. Shouldn’t make me self conscious, or feel worthless. I don’t think so at least. But.. I’m fortunate that no matter what he tries his hardest to make me comfortable with whatever he’s watching.
It’s very odd, after explaining the story in my previous comment.. I feel extremely calm. I feel.. okay. I feel.. like I just want to hug Chris and never let him go. It’s like a weird weight has been lifted, but I don’t know if it’s a temporary feeling or not.. I’ve told a few close friends the story, but never this detailed. I’ve never let it out as I have now. And maybe that has something to do with the calm and love I feel right now. But, honestly my insecurities are so strong.. I don’t believe this will last.. which sucks. I know he’s such a good man, and he deserves better from me. I want to reach a point of stronger mental health, I just don’t know how. I want to let go of what happened.. but it still hurts like a fresh wound at times.
Hi Pauline, regarding your two comments. You are young, and figuring stuff out. Regardless, as you pretty much are aware, none of this healthy. Neither your relationship, all this drama and obsessing, or your low self-esteem and self-harming. The issue here is not if he should or shouldn’t have done this or that, if you should have done this or that… your mind is obsessing and creating this big story as a way to justify things because you quite clearly know none of this is healthy. This sort of drama is actually addictive, and the reason you feel better is that telling it all can create a sort of ‘high’. The real issue is how you became a person who mistakes all this for love, has to control people to feel loved, and has low self-esteem. And what past issues need resolving and healing so you can learn what love really is and start feeling better about yourself. Self harm is a major, major red flag. And push/pull relationships and self harm can also be a sign of borderline personality disorder or anxious attachment disorder. This is not a diagnosis, we don’t know you, you might just as well have neither, the point is, you need to seek support. Most colleges and universities offer low to no cost counselling. Gather up your courage and book an appointment. You deserve better than all this mental torture.Then use our search bar to learn about what healthy relationships are and aren’t, you might also want to start with our guide to relationships https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/healthy-relationships-help-guide.htm.
I was married in 2016 but it was a bad marriage and I came back to my hometown in 2016 itself. Divorce case was filed by then. Then in Oct 2017, I came in contact in my hometown,with a guy, Ishant, from my college with whom I never interacted in college. He not only showed deep interest in me but also convinced me somehow that he will make his family agree for our marriage. Somewhere he had hidden doubt also that we may not end up getting married, so he used to say to me that if we somehow don’t end up getting married then atleast we will be in contact for lifelong. I used to think that may be due to parental pressure he is saying so, but being a dedicated and helpful girlfriend, I thought, come what may, I will bring him out of this pressure and we will definitely get married. For this, when I told him that my parents can talk to your parents to convince them, he suddenly got irritated and said I don’t want our parents to even talk now as he had enough of convincing sessions with his parents. During the relationship, he got physically intimate wid me, assuring me that he will convince his parents, I also saw him talking to his friends saying about me that I am getting too clingy upon him for marriage, I also didn’t get any emotional support from him on my grandfather’s death, he also used to say that he is not mentally prepared for marriage now..to which I said that I will wait for him to be prepared..on which he replied that even if I wait, I will still be an option for him for being his wife. Finally on 23 jun 2018, he clearly broke up with me.I was so devastated that it took toll on my mental and physical health,both. I was trying to move on but then in Jan 2019, he suddenly called that he is soory for hurting me, although he still can’t marry me.. I was satisfied that atleast he realised.. He then surprisingly started calling me daily and when some little thing happened which was not according to him, he then again blocked me. This scenario of suddenly his coming into my life and then suddenly disappearing kept on going, not allowing me to move on. What hurted me most was his this disrespect towards me even after him saying sorry. Though now I am remarried with some other person whom I met in Mar 2019, but still not able to move on from hurtings by Ishant because he intruded my life even after my remarriage. After my remarriage,he talked me until his marriage got fixed with the girl of his family’s choice and then again blocked me disrespectfully. When I asked him before he blocked me last, that earlier he said that we will be atleast in contact, so what about that?..to which he said that I should not expect anything as expectations from anyone just hurts. What goes on in my mind is that how can a person not understand that inspite of us showing all the love to him, that there can’t be anyone else loving him so much and also.. What do these guys think of themselves, that they can treat us like garbage?!
Hi Sonam. Look, this might not be the answer you want to hear. But you are a grown woman. And you are responsible for your choices. We understand that clearly he was manipulative and dishonest, no doubt about that. But playing the victim won’t help you heal and move on. Accepting that you chose to allow him back in to your life, to respond to him, to engage with him again? That gives you the power to look at what drove you to do that, to look at childhood learnings that taught you to have such low self-esteem, and to make the choice to change these things and be a woman who practices better self care and boundaries. The victim mentality is easy to fall into. And you’ll find lots of other women willing to moan along with you. But in our experience it never leads to personal growth or happiness, just misery, and it certainly doesn’t let you forgive and move on and focus on the good things now in your life. It instead leaves you clinging to the past and telling the story again and again. Best, HT.
I really wanted to forgive someone that did me some wrong, but even when I told him that I am mad at him for what he did, he did not apologized. I now feel more anger that ever.
I think by apologizing I would know that he recognized his wrong behavior but he refused.
Hi Mary, sounds like you are not at all ready to forgive, but want to feel better than him, to be right and to punish him for what he did and make him wrong. It’s basically anger, perhaps this situation has triggered unresolved childhood issues and layered on top of old anger. Sometimes we need to process anger and accept it’s not about forgiveness at the moment. We recommend you read the article again which addresses this sort of thing.
Hi, I have been married for almost 8 years. When we got married I was madly in love with him and would do anything for him. To say we have had many bumps is an understatment. He suffers PTSD but is medicated. He’s told me, in the past, that he had thoughts of killing me and our 9 month old while I was pregnant. I admit he was having his meds adjusted. He then kicked me and our daughter out. I moved to Ohio and a month later he came and got us. Once I was back he told me that he had an affair, did internet porn and then left me again. He told me he wanted a divorce and for us to leave again. I hired an attorney and movers. Then 3 days before my departure he begs me to stay. He then had 3 other affairs I just learned happened within the last 3 to 5 years. He exhibits the same pattern of history of he become involved with me and our now 3 amazing kids for 3 weeks at a time after I have to begged and cried he doesn’t spend any time with us to get him to acknowledge we exist.This has been happening for 6 years. The same thing the same hurt the same song and dance. I’ve spend so many nights crying, trying to figure out what I did wrong, why we don’t matter, why he doesn’t want to be with us, and the list goes on and on. He continues to find every reason to not be present with our family. He has decided we don’t celebrate birthdays, Christmas, anniversary, or even valentines day but has bought others he works with gifts in front of me or even bought extravagant gifts for himself. He says always has no money but buys for him and his oldest. I’m a stay at home mom and live on disability from the military and am expected to take care of all the household needs (food, hygien, cleaning supplies), anything for the kids or myself, my own gas, and anything that is needed for the house. He has repeatedly told me that “its not that bad”, “it doesn’t matter”, “my feelings aren’t his problem”, “to get over it”, and it goes on and on. He got mad and didn’t talk to me when I am finally able to purchase a new car where he didn’t talk to me for almost 5 days. Everything is constantly suppose to be about him and his desires and if you have an issue you can get over it. He wanted to move our family to another state to be closer to his family while promising I’d be able to see mine at least 1 time a year. Were I’ve been in my own personal hell for 3 years now and not once has he taken me to see my family. I’ve saw my family 5 times the entire marriage. I have no friends and no family in this state. I didn’t even want to move to, but he said either I move with him or we get a divorce. I was pregnantwith our son and had a high risk pregnancy. He’s allows his family to treat me and our 3 kids the same way. He has an child from a previous marriage who he and his family treat as a princess. She does no wrong and they shower her with gifts but our 3 kids never got anything for years not a birthday or Christmas. Then the first year in his state they bought the small kids a shared gift and an outfit. Then turned around and gave his oldest 7 outfits, new shoes, and a 32″ smart TV. They didn’t even consult us for the TV, told the oldest if we took it away or placed it anywhere else she would take care of us. The difference was so bad that my 3 year old cried asking why she always got so much more than her and why she didn’t get a TV. She cried for days and I’ve continually for the whole 3 years of being here had to comfort and explain to them all they are just as special. He continues to allow them in their lives to cause more damage and to disappear when they are finished. All while keeping the same relationship with the oldest. No matter what I say or express he doesn’t care because its his family and they “have changed” only to do the same thing over again. When I said something to them about it I have been chasised and told I’m a bad mother and they have talk bad about me to everyone and anyone who will listen. My husband allowed it to happen and even joined into the bashing of me. All done in front of the kids. He expects me to continually forgive them and let them back in to do the same thing to me and our kids. He always wants me to forgive and forget how I’m treated. Now he’s involved again its been 3 weeks and I already see his shifting of priorities to his oldest. He has admitted to mentally and emotionally abusing me. He now tells me to stop living in the past and that it doesn’t matter now. That I need to live in the here and now because he is now trying. He forgets that this is not the distant past for me that his actions are the same, the affairs, the invalidating of my desires or emotions, isolation, and his ultimatums have directly caused how I feel. His family who has mistreated me and our kids have caused my avoidance and feelings of them staying away from me and our kids. He believes everything is the past after it happens and thats where it belongs even if your hurt from the actions. You don’t get to be hurt or have emotions. Anything to benefit him is what he goes by. My question is am I living in the past when events repeat continuously, my emotions are dismissed and have no right to express my opinion? Am I valid because of what has happened and me needing to have the consistency that his actions have changed and he won’t revert to begin trusting him? I understand i have to heal from past traumas on my own and in my own time, but I feel he needs to understand his past action and the actions of others shape how someone reacts to them. I live by the saying every action has a greater or equal reaction whether good or bad. That you should treat other how you wish to be treated. That if your family begins to bad mouthing a spouse you stop it regardless and address the issue with your spouse if needed.
Hi Michelle. So how did it feel to right all that out? Did you feel nothing much, just the same old rage? How often do you repeat this to yourself and others? We are going to gather often. Here’s the thing about misery. It’s addictive, particularly if we had trauma as a child or young adult (you mention for example disability from the military). We are so deeply addicted we can’t even see that we are making the choice to be miserable. We become so mired in our victim mentality we completely miss that as an adult, we have free will. We are choosing to let others treat us poorly, to treat them poorly in return, to create drama and conflict, to only see what doesn’t work and block out or sabotage anything good, and we are choosing to feel terrible. We can blame sticking it out on money, or the children. Of course it’s not that we can suddenly stop or leave or change things. Again, we are addicted. Our brains are hardwired from childhood trauma onward to choose suffering and block out the fact there are different doors all around us. We highly suggest you read our article on trauma bonds https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-trauma-bonding.htm. When we are this mired in an addictive unhealthy and diminishing relationship (and note how much you diminish him, too) we generally need support and help to find our way out. (Note that you said when you met you would ‘do anything for him’. That’s a red flag right there. A healthy relationship doesn’t require this kind of mindset). We highly suggest you do what it takes to get that support. Reach out to a charity, a free help line, whatever you can find. Learn more in the carry on article on trauma bonds, how to break free https://bit.ly/traumabondHT. As ex military, if there is any free counselling available, take it. It is a great chance to look at where you developed the ideas that love involves suffering and sacrifice. It doesn’t. In summary, we think you are asking the wrong questions. You cannot change another person. Ever. All your questions are about him. The only person you have control over, ever, is yourself. So use your questions on yourself. Is this how I want the rest of my life to go? What choices am I making, me, myself, to keep this entire cycle going? You get the picture. Best, HT.
The subject of forgiveness is very dear to my heart. It resonates with me everyday as my thoughts are constantly robbed about forgiving and reconciling with someone from my past. To make this story short almost 35 years ago I had a feud with some old friends. At first everything was great, but when you feel you are too superior and you start to put others down and finding fault with everything they do in the end you kind of adapt to this character that you have done nothing wrong, you are the victim and everything that goes wrong is someone else’s fault. You let yourself be too self absorbed by pride and righteousness. You never hold any accountability and you are accusatory in every way in order to prove that you are the victim and that someone else is guilty of everything. So that others find pity and believe your side.
In short for me I have been dealing with this behavior from my former friends for a very long time. They have done so much wrong in all kinds of ways that if I had to list everything I would write a whole book and if I described some of the actions it would make some of the readers cringe. My family has been very strong throughout all of this except for me. For the first 20 plus years I did not care and I felt strong and ready to retaliate everytime they attacked. But then I really don’t know what happened to me because I became very spiritual and connected to God. I simply want to be good and do good at all times even if it means having people treat me badly. I feel if I retaliate or stand up for myself I’m going to be punished or others are going to think the worst of me. I guess that these individuals from my story have said so many bad things about me and my family that I’m just tarnished and I don’t want to live up to that reputation that I have been portrayed to be. But for some strange reason I just want to reconcile and make amends with these people although they had done so much harm. I have prayed and mediated for a reconciliation to happen and for all of us to get past our differences and move on. But no matter how much I have done to approach and make amends it’s been a lost cause. I have reached out and said hello, I have apologized with no response or acknowledgement from them. In their eyes we are at fault for everything and we are the bad ones. My name is always being defamated with false accusations. Because these individuals are very well known and very popular in our town their side of the story is always very much believed while my side of the story is not because I really never get a chance to say it. Some of the accusations are so strong that I actually started to believe them. I start to second guess myself and feeling guilty if indeed I’m the one to blame for our fallout. I feel extremely guilty and I don’t know why. I keep expecting for an apology that I’m never going to receive and I feel ashamed because people look at me as if I’m a bad person and I caused them pain. My friends advise me to forgive myself first in order to heal and let go. But I’m completely obsessed with making amends even if it’s going to ridicule me and have my name be the laughing stock. I want closure, I want peace. I’m just anxiously await for a call or message from these individuals even if they just say “hello”. I think this would make me happy. I have done everything I could and I don’t want to die soon not being able to find and make peace. I just need someone to validate my side of the story and to tell me that I’m a good person. How do I move on and get past this also knowing that I should not blame myself for anything. I just don’t want to be recognized as the villain in this story. 😥
I haven’t been able in 5 years to forgive or forget the individual who stole my work. I created an animal rescue organization. From incorporating, to logo, online presence, website, social media pages. It was a 24/7 job. She couldn’t do it. Didn’t know how.
I saved 186 animals in one year and raised $45,000. There was envy,… so much of it, but the criminal mind and deceitful personality of a sociopath associated with it made just walk away. She sent me a letter from an attorney that she was screwing for the favor, and then some. She was able to – after spending one hour on the phone with godaddy – to hack into my account, where I had the website and ALL my domains, and change access to a double confirmation by mobile phone. Sent an email to the Petco manager telling her I wanted to change the address for receiving the checks because I wanted to steal the money from the rescue! My rescue! That I created and worked my butt off daily for the whole year. It was criminal. Libel!
I didn’t go after her legally, could not afford it. It would have been long, the law doesn’t care much about nonprofits apparently. She was screwing an attorney.
The fact is I still feel the need to tell the truth, as in I have an obligation with society, of integrity, truthfulness and even warning. Not even to harm her, but to prevent it from happening to somebody else. Sociopaths and psychopaths are dangerous.
Why should I forgive her?! I’m only human and we have more than enough of revenge in our world.
I don’t even want to kill her. But she even tried to have me beat up!!!!
5 years is a long time to let someone camp for free in your head. It’s a terrible thing to have happened. Nobody is saying you have to forgive anyone. But we are wondering what you are going to do about all this obsessive thinking and rage. As we would guess it is not the first time you have been badly wronged or chosen to get involved with someone like this. These sorts of choices and entanglements generally stretch back to beliefs we develop from experiences in childhood about our self worth. What is your next choice? Another five years of letting this drama take control of your mind and life? Of making this person ‘evil’ and yourself helpless, which thereby means you are a victim with no choice? Or instead deciding you do have power here, you did and are making choices as an adult woman, and now can make a choice to seek support to unpack how you got involved in this situation and how to start making choices that support instead of diminish you? Best, HT.
Hi Rocky. So there is a LOT going on here. Here’s the thing. You have zero control over what others think and feel. Ever. That’s up to them. And you also never actually know what others think. You are assuming you know. It’s all just assumptions and hearsay. As for being a good person, that’s up to you. Not anyone else. As is feeling peace and happiness. All up to you. We personally find that the best way to affect other people is never to try to force them to think of feel anything at all. It’s to just totally focus on yourself and your own life and being the person you want to be. It’s called living by example. Sitting around being anxious and panicky and full of resentment and hurt simply isn’t going to inspire anyone to reconcile or get to know you. It just isn’t, sorry to say. That said, sometimes we are mired in it. We can’t let go as we are addicted, yes addicted, to pain and misery. This is because deep down we think we deserve it. We have hidden core beliefs that we deserve to be hated. We’d imagine this is the case. That you are addicted to this misery, and have obsessive thoughts you can’t gain control over. And you need to be kind to yourself about this, to be gentle and full of self compassion that you are actually in a cycle of addiction. And then you need to gather up all your courage and get out there and get support. Find a counsellor or therapist who can help you recognise and shift these hidden beliefs keeping you trapped in all of this, then start letting go and being the person you want to be, regardless of what a single other person on this planet thinks or doesn’t. If you find therapy terrifying, consider starting with a round of CBT. It doesn’t dive into your past, it only helps you learn to recognise when your thoughts are assumptions and negative, and how to stop your thoughts controlling your moods and actions. Best, HT.
Well, the husband prefers teen porn and to ask them for sex behind my back. Said I didn’t deserve the house we bought so he forced the sale. He separated me from my only family and wants forgiveness .
If you can’t forgive, you can’t forgive. What would be more relevant here and a better use of your time and energy would be to learn healthy ways to process the fury you are experiencing, and to possibly seek professional support to deal with it all, as it sounds like a lot has happened. Put the focus on you, it’s your life now. Best, HT.
This is truly a hard pill to swallow concerning forgiveness of a broken relationship due to a 6 month romance, planning on marriage. For thanksgiving he stayed with me for 6 days. It was like doctor Jekyll and Mr Hide. He was rude, nasty, sloppy and lazy. Yes I spoke to him about this. He met my family and spent 30 minutes with my adult daughter. Which she has the tenancy of getting the truth of who they really are out of them. We had a conversation which got into an argument which he responded I have to many rules and he tired of my crap. Which all I told him of his sloppiness and cleaning up after himself. The following day I thought it all was settled. He got sick with muscle spasm in his back and an ashtmA attack. Which I tried catering to him. Of course he rejected so I went to sleep crying. The following morning he was leaving I fixed him breakfast he left. I called to find out whether he arrived safely. He said he just got in and going to shower and take a nap. The next morning which is today he breaks up with me. I’m devastated now he said he not ready for a committed relationship and ask for my forgiveness. Usually I forgive anyone that breaks my heart. This person right now I am unable to forgive. I need help to sort this out. Been crying all day “I truly loved this man” he claims he invested time and energy on me and he is hurt too. Of what???
Hi there. If you read through the whole article you’ll get to point 12. You simply aren’t ready to forgive. Which is clearly the case here. You are full of rage and in blaming mode. So there’s no point in worrying about forgiveness until you work through your emotions and gain a clearer, fairer perspective, which takes time. Right now you feel rejected, which is normal, and angry, which is normal. We do suggest, however, you read our articles on love and healthy relationships. As we are curious why you feel you were in love with someone you seem to find nothing but fault in, and where you ideas of what love is come from. What sorts of love were modelled to you in your childhood? Worth looking into. When we constantly criticise the other, even if only in our thoughts or behind their back, or have a constant focus on what is ‘wrong’ with them, they do sense it. It doesn’t create the grounds for a trusting, loving and lasting relationship. Best, HT.
Hello. Just over 6 years ago I met a woman that I fell head over heels for. I should add that I am 45 years old, and my romantic life and relationships up to this point had been very short, and I had many casual flings etc. I didn’t think that there was wrong with me, I just never developed the kind of feelings that felt special. As I mentioned, I met a woman 6 years ago, and within a few days I had feelings I had never experienced before. She had a young daughter who I bonded with, and to this day we are as close as if it were biological. 2 years in we had another daughter, and in general had what seemed to me to be a pretty happy family life. I should also mention that my partner at this time was also in her early 40’s, and had moved from place to place and country to country. The relationship between us was passionate and loving, but there were bad patches, and boy do I mean they were bad. She would fly into rages that were so extreme it would seem incomprehensible. My reaction to this was always to distance myself for a few hours to allow a cooling period which I would get disgusting and severe verblal abuse for. This wasn’t a constant state, and for most of the time we were ok. My business started having some problems and I was having to put in long hours to try and salvage it, and it caused our personal problems to become worse and more frequent. We had several breaks from each other to try and keep things calmer, but we never separated as we clearly loved each other very much and always got through. Fast forward to 2020. Things in my business still not good and Covid 19 hits causing great financial stress. I decided to sell a few of my asset’s including some of my record collection. My partner did this and kept the money with my blessing as I saw it was for the good of our family, but the problems between us were becoming worse. I moved out for a few weeks again as a cooling off period, and I stress, we had not separated. In the process of selling my records she met a man that she had a brief sexual relationship with, and then in several of her extreme rages rubbed my face in it and even completely rubbished me as a person. I really loved this woman on a level I can’t describe, and despite my own passed I had never even looked at another woman. I simply wasn’t interested. To say I was devastated was an understatement. I blamed myself and even begged for us to sort it out, but she made it very clear that she no longer wanted me. After the emotional rollercoaster ride of my entire life, I started to fix life and move forward. She is still living in my house with the children and I pay all of the bills to make sure that they are all warm and safe. She wouldn’t let me see the kids for some time, but we began to talk and be civil, so I started having regular days with them which gave me great boost. We have become slowly closer again, and a lot of years have been shed on both sides, and she says she is sorry on all levels. We have even talked with the same excitement in a new relationship, and have been sexually active again. How ever, I am mortaly wounded by her going with another man. I no longer feel angry, but I can’t forgive or forget it even though I know my actions played their part and allowed it to happen. I still love this woman more than I can describe, but cry in serious pain every day. I just can’t get passed the image of him with her in the most intimate way that was sacred to me. I love her so much, but I am tortured by it.
Hi Murray, note the final point in the article. Sometimes we aren’t ready to forgive. Or the thing that has happened does not align with our values and we just have to realise we will never understand it or forgive it and all that we can do is accept that the other person has different values and move on the best we can. Forgiveness aside, there is a lot going on here that is far from healthy for you, her, or your children. Did your wife have a traumatic childhood? From what you say there is strong signs of emotional dysregulation, or even borderline personality disorder/ emotionally unstable personality disorder. We aren’t saying this to make her ‘wrong’ and you ‘right’ because you are 50% of this relationship and would have your own matching issues like low self esteem or pain addiction that you would need support over. We’d highly advise you seek proper, professional support over all of this. A response to a comment on a blog not only doesn’t cut it it does you and your family an injustice. Please gather your courage and seek counselling or psychotherapy there is more than enough here that you need to take seriously. Best, HT.
Hi there , I’m unable to forgive an ex for leaving me when he found we were expecting a child , he spread malicious lies to his family about me and he let me go through a pregnancy by myself . Then had the audacity to ask for dna test knowing full well that it was his child . This is now 12 years down the line , every time i look at my daughter i see him and the stress he put me through. Even though we get on co parenting our daughter i cannot forgive him . He now has 3 other children which i think he treats them differently to my daughter . I do not know what to do on this matter. I find it hard to trust anyone now and have flashbacks too.
Hi Natalie, 12 years is a very long time to hold onto something. And it’s particularly concerning that you say you see him when you look at your child instead of just seeing your child, as this might be affecting the way you respond to your child and parent, even if it’s unconscious. So we would highly suggest you seek professional help to navigate this. When we have this level of fury it often also relates back to other things in our life that left us feeling victimised, we’d imagine this was not the only episode in your life where you felt powerless. If you are on a low budget, we have an article here on how to find low cost or even free therapy. http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy Best, HT.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer 2018. I was always an independent woman, but I had been through two difficult long term relationships with two children. Short story short I had a double mastectomy and I lived off of my mom for a year lost and broken and my kids lived with their dad for the first time while I was healing from my first surgery the double mastectomy. I had always been there as much as I could for my family and I believe I helped out as much as I could as I’m the youngest of six siblings. My parents were married 50 years. They taught us all morals respect and values. Either way my brothers and sisters convinced my mom to cut me off and wanted control all except one sister the second to the last. The Tom boy I grew up with. We were like night and day yet like twins. My mom cuts me off. In years time I took 25 thousand, but I had always been there for my parents never moved away from my home town. Either way I isolated myself after I was cut off from my agreement with my mother. I cut off everybody in my immediate family brothers, sisters, and my mom. I looked for work and I asked for assistance through the pink fund. I almost became homeless, but a friend took me in I became successful once again in my life on my own no contact one and a half years. But I had 5 more surgeries after due to cancer and none of my brothers and sisters ever went to see me in the hospital even though I had surgery in the city they lived in. But my tomboy sister the one who is 4 years older than me was there for me through it all. Again breast cancer is hard and I lost my job my mom was there for me too. But there was resentment though she was 84 she took me to doctors appointments and took care of me while my sister worked my kids are with me after living with their dad 10 months. After the other 5 surgeries no one was there but my sister Chris. My older brothers and sisters are envious and greedy thinking my mom favors us. The point is I can’t forgive my brothers and sisters for not being there for me through out breast cancer and though out all my surgeries. And I have a special someone who says I need to forgive because I’m only hurting myself. But although I talk to them and love them with all my heart and soul I don’t forgive them for not being there for me. I believe and know they cared more about the money I lived ofc of my my when I was going through and still going through a very hard time. They just don’t recognize. I never wanted piggy posted on social media or tried to be an attention seeker. I believe I’m a strong individual with moral and values. But I’ve been in depression and it’s affected me I have
T worked after the other 5 surgeries weight gain and all, but still trying to be the a best mom and daughter I can be. Help me to understand why it’s so hard to for give my brothers and sisters who weren’t there for me during this very difficult time. I talk to them now but I have major trust issues and cry often in silence although I’ve been with someone for three years he claims I should forgive and forget. But I can’t seem to do that because they were taught morals and values and the close knit of our family. But I believe they cared more about money and greed and I have a hard time forgiving and forgetting. I believe a private life is a happy life and I live by that. Hope you can give me some advice. Thank you.
Hi Veronica, first of all, you don’t have to forgive and forget. That is up to you, nobody else. Forgiveness is an interesting concept in our Western world, we can wield it like a weapon, “I forgive you as I am the bigger better person”. That isn’t actually real forgiveness anyway. Far better to stick with honest and genuine anger and upset and the limits we have and can cope with upset than hide behind fake forgiveness. So cut yourself some slack here. This is where you are at, right here, right now. You are raging, upset, and endlessly thinking about it. And that’s okay. We all have our way of processing. It also sounds like there is a lot of grief intermingled here, understandably, given all you’ve been through. And grief involves a lot of anger. In summary, this is a big situation. We’d guess far, far bigger than just what happened between you and your siblings since the cancer. Families are complicated, and things like illness stir up things that often have roots that go far, far back. So what we are trying to say is that this is not something that merits a quick and easy response over a comment or that indeed could be answered in such an easy way. You are obviously a smart woman, if it was that easy, you would have long sorted this. You feel unheard, unseen, unacknowledged and unsupported. Yes, you have this new partner supporting you but that’s tricky as there are expectations that you do what that other person feels is ‘right’. And again, how you process your rage and upset is up to you. But sometimes, to make the right decisions for ourselves, we need unbiased support. Have you had any during all of this? Even at the very least counselling for dealing with cancer? A counsellor or therapist doesn’t tell you what to do. They create a safe, non judgmental and confidential environment for you to sort things out in. They aren’t invested in what you do or don’t do like friends and family, only in helping you. We’d highly, highly suggest you seek this sort of professional support and commit to the road of healing, which won’t be instant, will require hard work and commitment, but will certainly be far more effective than any quick advice. If you are on a low budget use our article on how to find low cost to free counselling http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy also google for cancer support charities in your country who often connect patients and survivors to free or low cost counselling (we are in UK but guessing you are in USA). You might also find our article on adult sibling rivalry helpful https://bit.ly/siblingfight. Best, HT.
Almost a year ago, my girlfriend of two years coerced/pressured me into a sexual activity I absolutely didn’t want to do at that moment. She ignored my “no”s, and I ended up doing what she wanted because I was completely overwhelmed and wanted to “help her” (and was, in retrospect, probably also scared, I dunno).
Afterwards, something in our relationship shattered. It felt like a spear of ice had ripped apart our trust and love.
It took her some days to realize that what she’d done had actually hurt me, and she apologized and tried to explain her behaviour.
Since then, over the past months, our relationship has changed drastically for me. And I hate it. I feel like I don’t want to trust her with various things. I haven’t had any sexual urges/desires towards her since the occurrence. Don’t get me wrong, I want to want to have sex, but I just don’t.
The thing is, when I talked to my therapist about this, he also brought up the fact that after about a year, the honeymoon phase in a relationship is over, and it’s usually revealed around this mark whether feelings turn into love or wilt away.
Now I’m terrified that this might have happened rather than any reaction to what happened. Because I have it in my head that if it was just feelings wilting way, there’s no hope for our relationship. But if I knew that I just have to get over my hurt, then I know there’s something I can work towards and work for; that I can rekindle our relationship.
Sorry for the rant here. I guess my question is for some advice on how to approach this whole working-through-it, forgive and forget?
Hi Marcus, did you fully explain the situation as clearly as you did here to your therapist, or just hint at it? And expect your therapist to guess or read your mind? As we are surprised that the therapist didn’t take this seriously. If you were pushed into unwanted sex after saying a clear no that is a serious issue, not at all about being at the one year mark. It’s about your feeling of safety in this relationship being shattered and a possible violation. When we deep down feel unsafe it can really stop any desire to be vulnerable, such as having sex poses. Think about it this way. If you were a woman and she was a man it would be serious, so why not the other way around? Anyone pushing anyone into sex they have said no too is not acceptable. Further form that, What we do see is very real communication issues in the relationship. You say it ‘took her a couple of days to realise’. In other words, you didn’t just TELL her you were very upset, you expected her to read your feelings (which is why we were also wondering if you do the same with your therapist, or if you are very clear in explaining things and open). We do understand you were likely confused and overwhelmed after such a traumatic incident but we’d be curious to know if this pattern has always existed in your relationship, that you don’t stand up for yourself and make your needs and feelings clear? And expect others to figure things out? In summary, we don’t know you or your girlfriend, we certainly can’t tell you what’s what over a comment. We do sense a lot of communication issues. As expecting others to guess what you think and feel is not effective communication at all. What we would say is that there is a lot to explore here, and we’d suggest a few sessions of couples therapy. Sometimes it only takes one or two sessions to get clarity between you and to figure out if this relationship can still work and what steps need to be taken next. A couples therapist would also help you both learn to communicate and listen better. If you both realise that the relationship is over, then a couples therapist can help you to end it in in constructive and positive way. Best, HT.
About two year ago my brother got married and soon after he changed a lot. About a year ago things got heated between me and my brother and his wife because his wife talked to me like I am her servant and I replied her against it. Now me and my brother are not on talking terms just because I talked to her wife in a way they feel is not correct. In between this one year me and my father was tested Covid Positive, during that time my brother was taking care of everything but as soon we were discharge from hospital within two day again he started behaving under his wife’s influence. I really get angry why has forgotten his family before his wife and why can’t he see who is wrong. He is behaving normally with mom and dad but with me he wants to prove that his wife was right as she is my elder. His birthday is on 25th December we all will be gathering together, now I don’t understand how to solve everything and not make it look like I am accepting her behavior.
Hi Rohan, the problem here is that you see yourself as ‘right’ and him as ‘wrong’. Resolution can never come from that headspace. It only comes when we realise that everyone has a different perspective and try to understand the other person’s, even if we don’t agree with it or like it. We’d also guess this situation is bigger than this one incident, far bigger, and goes right back to childhood there seems to be a much stronger dynamic at play between you and your brother. As otherwise, if you had a healthy relationship, you could just tell him you don’t agree and it wouldn’t have to mean hatred and a fight between you, just two people who love each other not agreeing on something. But obviously the two of you don’t have a clear line of communication, If you struggle with the family dynamic or in life at the moment don’t overlook the power of counselling, it really does help when we feel very upset about things having to do with family. Best, HT.
I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, married for 10. I was 16 when we met, and he was my first. At the beginning of our relationship he had a friend who I felt he’d had a past with (let’s call her Anne). After asking about it (several times), he told me they were just friends. I’d asked if they’d kissed or gone further and he denied it. I’m not sure what it was but this girl made me feel extremely insecure. He knew this. Eventually she also became my friend also.
When I lost my virginity to him Id asked who he’d lost his to. He told me it was somebody from school. Forward 16 years, I’d discovered he’d lied to me about what had happened on his stag do. His friends had taken him to a whore house and paid for him to be with some woman. He told me nothing happened, and I believe him. However, what had hurt me more was that he had lied. I have alway been easy going. Happy for him to have boy nights etc and have trusted him completely. However, this just broke me. He saw how much it had effected me (I was pregnant with our second child at the time), and I told him if I find out he has lied about anything else we were over. As a result he confessed he had actually slept with Anne several times before we got together and that he’s lost his virginity to her.I feel
So hurt. Since he has confessed I just can’t get the image of them out of my mind. I feel incredibly insecure, angry and depressed.
I’m angry because he lied and took away my choice in what I would have chosen to do had I known the truth. I’m almost certain I wouldn’t have continued being with him.
My insecurities come from my feeling she was better than me (more intelligent, pretty etc.) I know we are different people and I have my own merits etc. However since I found out I feel like that 16 year old with major insecurities. I now wonder if he’ll cheat on me, and don’t trust him.
I understand that they’d been together before we got together, but the fact he’d lied and I was told after we were married makes me feel cheated.
I feel like I’m at breaking point. It’s been years, I’ve had my baby and tried to ignore it etc, but I still can’t seem to get over it. Plus, I suffer from OCD and have done since I was a teenager.
What do you suggest I do?
Hi there. We don’t know you and we certainly aren’t about to tell someone what to do with their life based on a comment, as there really is no right or wrong, we are all free to design life as we want. What we can offer is observations and questions. So we are calculating you married at 26, quite young, and assuming he was also as young. Now all these years later you are 36. We understand that when we have values, if things like honesty and transparency are our personal values, it can be very hard and gut wrenching when someone oversteps them. But think of something you did in your early twenties you regret. How would it feel to be abandoned by a friend who now learns about that and decides it was bad? Would it feel fair? Not to imply anything ,just to try the opposite perspective which can be useful. We have questions about why you would apparently never been with him if he was with Ann. You already knew he had lost his virginity to someone and that didn’t matter, why would you totally reject him if it was someone you actually liked as a person? Is that really about him? You see the thing is that we don’t feel somehow this exact situation is really what this is all about. We sense much bigger issues, ones that might even be pre meeting him. As you say, you have long term low self esteem and OCD. These don’t come out of nowhere, they come from experiences and environments we lived through and then colour all our relationships until we face and heal them. So what we are gently saying is that this isn’t really all about him, is it? It’s always far easier to find one thing to focus all our misery on. But is it possible that there is a much bigger lack of contentment with yourself and your life at play? As for what you what we’d suggest, if we were to suggest ‘what to do’, is that you seek counselling over this. This will offer you a safe space to work with a therapist who can get to know you and your life, can help you look at both the negatives and positives of the relationship (here we are only getting negatives but on the other hand you’ve managed a long relationship and kids we suspect there are positives) and can help you find your own answers that work best for you moving forward. Best, HT.
This article provides valuable insights into the complexities of forgiveness and why it can be challenging to move on from certain hurts. Recognizing the reasons that hinder forgiveness is crucial for personal growth and healing. If you’ve experienced difficulties in forgiving and forgetting, seeking the help of a professional therapist, like those at Harley Therapy Ltd., could be beneficial in navigating this process.
I have a male friend who I have reconnected with after 30 years. He got divorced and looked me up on social media. When we finally started talking, he told me that he had cancer. He did want to start something up with me, but at that time we had to wait until after the holidays because he was staying with his ex-wife to spend more time with his kids. His ex-wife found out that he was talking to me and has continuously tried to stop us from communicating. She has basically gotten into his password protected accounts and has made his stop using messenger and texting with me. He and I resorted to email, but she has gotten into his email account and started deleting my emails. I know this because I’d send and email and he wouldn’t respond which was unusual, because he always responded. I got an email tracker to track my emails and for a certain time, they went unopened, so that was an indication to me that his ex-wife was deleting them. I managed to send an email to him at the right time and he opened it, but he ignored it. I sent him a text message and he ignored it. I finally sent and email indicating to him that it was going to me my last email. In this email, I expressed my suspicion of his ex-wife deleting my emails and that he hadn’t responded to any of my emails for several months. I noticed through my tracker that he found and opened an email I sent four weeks earlier. My guess is that he found it in the trash bin. Even though he was not getting my emails, there was nothing stopping him from emailing me. In my “last” email, I told him that if I didn’t hear from him that his silence would be my answer and everything currently and potentially would be over. On a side note, he was the one who wanted us to stay in contact with each other, but that became less and less when his ex-wife started interfering. She was claiming that they were getting back together despite him telling me they weren’t ever going to. He finally did respond to my “last” email and said he was sorry for not responding to my texts or emailing me. His cancer returned and he is again staying with his ex-wife to spend time with his kids. I know he said he was sorry, but I still feel upset about the fact that he wanted us to stay in contact, but he never initiates and he says that he can’t text because of his ex-wife, but he won’t secure any of his accounts she’s hacked into. I also feel angry because I feel that he just wants me to sit and wait on him, which is not fair to me. I’m supposed to sit and wait for him while he lives with his ex-wife whenever his cancer comes back so he can spend time with his kids. I don’t want him to not spend time with his kids, but I guess what really bothers me is that he does whatever his ex-wife wants him to do in exchange to spend time with his kids. She knows his kids are important to him and she is exploiting that to try to get him to go back to her. I know his responding to my email is an indication that he doesn’t want things to be over between us, but since I’m really not in much contact with him, and he did apologize, I’m still angry about everything. Especially, when I found out he was angry with me for not emailing him (even though I did). I feel like I’ve been expected to keep the contacting going, and he really hasn’t initiated any contact with me. He could have taken a couple minutes to send me an email if he hadn’t hear from me in a while, but he didn’t and I’m angry about that. I really do like him, and I have since we first met 30 years ago, but all of this that his ex-wife is doing and he just letting her is aggravating to me and I keep going back and forth trying to decide if I want to continue, or cut and run (which is usually my most used reaction) but I don’t know if I really want to.
I have been staying with a male friend for the past 1 year, he taught me the current skill I have which is graphic designing. I am staying with him cos I had some issues with my family and I had no where to go.
When it was the 6th month of my stay with him, he did something which really hurt my feelings. So prior to that time he has been asking if he could touch me and I refused. (I’m a lady btw) He had an ex which still comes over to his place at that time who I was also cool with, we talk and all. Later later he planned with his ex to tell me to stay at her place temporarily cos he had a girl coming over (mind you I don’t have a problem with this cos we’ve always discussed it and I was fine with it even it was always in form of a joke) So when his ex told me this I was surprised, although he said something relating to that the night before but I just brushed it off thinking it was a joke as usual.
So I asked him how many days I was going for and he replied and said two weeks. Even though I was pained that he had someone coming for two weeks and he just told me just the night before, in a not so serious way and even had the ex to inform me again which later dawned on me that it was serious. So I packed my things and I left to his ex place.
The following day I found out that it was a lie and that nobody was coming over it was just a way for him to push me away and in his words “make me suffer”. And how did I know this? I read their chats on the girl’s phone, and why? I realized that the ex was going to my so called friend’s place so I thought how can she go there when there’s a visitor while me that stays there normally can’t, so that was why I read their chats. He said so many nasty things about me to the girl, I was reading the chats and my hands were literally shaking, I went outside to cry and I had to talk to one of my cousins at that time. I was numb, I felt so betrayed, this was someone I called my friend, he was suppose to be my my side, I confine in him all. Later that night after I found out about the whole thing being a sham, he texted me that I can come back to his place and told him what I found out, at first he denied it but the following day he admitted to everything and started apologizing, he even told his ex to beg me on his behalf lol.
I forgave him but since then I just see everything he does has been a lie and I don’t trust him anymore.
The anger and the hurt comes back each time I remember that event. I can’t bring myself to forget and I’ve not forgiven him totally.
He did lie to me a few months ago. It was pretty bad, but I love him and I accepted his apology and we moved forward. I told him I was having doubts and that’s why I asked him to show me just something on his phone to know he wasn’t hiding anything from me. That’s when it blew up. I’m not making this a big deal for no reason. He lost my trust, and never tried to gain it back. When I just need that reassurance that I can trust him, that should be his chance to show me that I can. Not make me wonder and worry about it even more. I understand both sides, but I feel like just showing me would fix all of the problems. I’m not sure if it’s porn or he’s cheating . I just feel stupid if he is cheating and it sucks that I can’t even know that for sure. I had to get things straight and requested for an help from a reliable and trusted hacker ( StealthyHacks at, Gmail , Com ) to help me access his phone and give me proofs of why he’s been changing his phone passcode frequently, girls aren’t dumb after all , I caught his cheating ass that way and had to call it a quit.
Just wanted to mention a couple of resources for those who have been betrayed by a partner – whether it be adultery, pornography, emotional – or those dealing with an addiction of any sort.
First, Betrayal Trauma is a real thing, often presenting like PTSD. Dr. Kevin Skinner has done a lot of research on the topic. He’s given a TED Talk on this: https://www.ted.com/talks/dr_kevin_skinner_the_other_side_of_infidelity/transcript. And has courses on https://www.humanintimacy.com/courses.
If looking for a therapist, find someone who has the CSAT credential – certified sex addiction therapist. (https://iitap.com/search/custom.asp?id=5357) They know how to properly treat the betrayed partner without blaming them.
This conference was super helpful and will come back around next January: https://betrayalhealingconference.com/
Secondly, for those in addiction or who have loved ones in addiction, Smart Recovery is a science-based approach for learning how to improve our lives by means of healthy behaviors, boundaries, self-care, etc. (https://smartrecovery.org.uk/) Hope all the best for you! And thank you for this article!
Hello this may sound silly but I’m going through a break up. It’s been about a month since the break up. I met a man online through a gaming community. We got to taking and we really had a lot in common and was easy to talk to. He was very sweet and kind and had a troubled past and I sort of did too. I guess that’s how we bonded so quickly and intensely. I have a tendency to over think and even though I know her cared about me I always had a feeling that I was still in competition with his ex. They were together for 8 years but she cheated on him so he ended it and was only about a year and a half broken up when we met. Our relationship was only a couple months but we both felt so intensely about each other and I fell for him hard and I fell fast. He did as well. When my thoughts would wonder I’d often think he was cheating or want his ex back but didn’t have any proof to support those thoughts. It was just my mind running away on me. We got into a huge argument and things were said by us both that weren’t nice but we were able to move on. The last week before we broke up was not a good week for me. He got sick with a cold and wasn’t very talkative and my mind automatically goes to think hes avoiding me for some reason but he was legit sick. The Friday we broke up during the day we were fine saying I love you and everything seemed OK and then later on in the evening he starts making excuses like I’m always starting something and that everyday it was something. I kept my feelings to myself about not thinking he wasn’t sick. But he never said anything during the week and I thought everything with him was OK then he blind sided me and says that we should just be friends and that it would be better for the both of us so of course my mind goes to he found someone else or went back to his ex. I exploded at him and said horrible things to him because I was so angry and hurt. It’s been about a month and I’m still so hurt and angry and I try to be strong and not cry over him but I still do almost everyday. I’m having a very hard time moving on because I’m still so hurt and angry over it all. I know it wasn’t a long relationship and it was long distance but I’m still so angry and I don’t know how to forgive myself or him. I know I could have handled things differently but I think it stems from my past and whenever men would act up on me it always led to them leaving me or whatever so now I think that all guys are going to do the same thing. I know that the relationship being over is a good thing and I’m better off without him. But it’s hard for me to forgive. I was thinking about writing down all the things I realize I did wrong and then focusing on each item until I feel at peace with owning up to my mistakes until I make my way through the list. Maybe then I will feel peace because right now I still blame him and think it’s all his fault.