What is Codependency? Are We ALL Codependent Sometimes?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 9, 2023
By: Jason Clapp
by Andrea M. Darcy
You have probably not only heard of the term ‘codependency’ by now, but you’ve likely even used it offhandedly at some point. “I’m just in a bad mood, stop being so codependent”. “I am so codependent on coffee I can’t live without my morning cup”.
But how many of us know what the term really means?
What is the definition of codependency?
The truth is, its meaning has actually changed.
The original use of the word codependency rose out of Alcoholics Anonymous as a way to describe the partners of alcohol abusers. It was noticed that the partners themselves, despite not having a drinking problem, were in a way ‘hooked’ too, in that they were ‘addicted to the addict’. They often had a pattern of being involved with alcoholics, and/or grew up with a parent who was an addict of some sort, whether that was drink, drugs, gambling or a sexual addiction.
The term became popularised. And with this it began to grow in meaning to refer to ‘people addiction’. So now it’s more about relationships where one person is sacrificing their wellbeing to manipulate the attentions of another.
Famous books about codependency
This change in meaning was connected to the release and wildfire success of several books. These include Women Who Love to Much by Robin Norwood, and Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Interestingly, Melody Beattie’s book was originally rejected by twenty publishers who felt there weren’t enough codependents out there to make publishing the book worthwhile!
Little did they know that codependency would become such an overused term its meaning even began to grow as society itself changed and saw new challenges. Nowadays the term is used colloquially to refer to any sort of dependency on the needs of another. “I can’t stand it when he gets upset with me, I’m so codependent!”
But we are all at some point a bit needy
Does that mean we are all essentially codependent? Making the term useless? The great codependency hoax, anyone? Well, yes and no.
By: Nicola RomagnaWell, yes and no.
It is true that the word was made up by therapists to describe a certain group of people’s behaviours, and isn’t some historical or genetic condition.
And it’s also true that we will all experience times in our life when we act codependently. We all go through a phase when we are growing up of trying too hard to please someone else. Perhaps it was an older sibling, or a teacher, or our school crush that we fixated on impressing. But eventually, if our personal development was healthy, we realised that we just have to be ourselves regardless of what other people think.
Of course occasionally even the healthiest adult will fall into still being a ‘pleaser’, such as when you start a new job and want your boss to like you. And every now and then we all fail at saying no and put other’s needs first due to our society’s focus on being ‘polite’ and ‘nice’. Or we’ll be controlling, another sign of codependency, giving someone a long sermon about their behaviour that is frustrating us.
But in therapeutic terms, these are just instances of ‘codependent behaviour’, not of being a full-blown codependent. And it’s important to note what codependency is not.
What is codependency not?
It’s not caring about and giving our all to people we love and wanting them to be happy. It’s not feeling briefly like a victim when someone totally betrays our trust, or wanting to control others’ behaviours when we see them acting destructively or putting themselves in harm’s way. These are all normal reactions and not signs of a codependent relationship.
Codependency is also not exhibiting control to the level of cruelty. That falls more under Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Sociopathy. Codependency is also not wanting to control your environment, which is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And it’s not about just wanting your own way all the time, which is just basic selfishness. Nor does it apply to every person whose partner drinks too much.
What IS codependency, then?
Codependency is about an obsessive, all-consuming need to please and win another’s attentions, to the point you will control and manipulate them to do so as well as sacrifice your own wellbeing if that is what it takes. In a codependent relationship you lose sight of your real needs because you are consumed by the pattern.
Perhaps one of the main ways to determine codependency is to stop looking at the ‘what’ (neediness, clinginess, control) and look at the ‘why’. Why are you doing these behaviours?
If you are over-giving because you are generous or enjoy what you are giving, it’s different then over-giving because you desperately want someone to like you. Are you worrying and thinking about someone because there is reason for concern? Or are you worrying and thinking about someone because you really can’t stop yourself and it makes you feel important? The latter examples, the ones with ‘ulterior motives’, are, of course, the ones that are codependent.
Am I codependent?
The signs you are a codependent:
- you put others’ needs before yours always
- you sabotage your own methods of survival to put the other person first, i.e., your health or career suffers
- you allow yourself to be abused if that means you keep the other’s attention, and that can mean emotional or spiritual abuse as well as physical
- you resort to extreme manipulation to keep the other person interested
- you are so caught up in the game of being wanted you actually have no idea what your real feelings are anymore
- exhibit low self care/ self neglect and low self-esteem
- suffer extreme feelings of guilt
- never set any boundaries with other people
- indulge in obsessive behaviour- think about your partner non-stop, spying on him, constantly checking in on him
- tend to victimise yourself, believing you are powerless to change your situation and things are being done ‘to’ you instead of chosen by you
But at other times I’m the exact opposite. How is that possible?
This is the other issue about codependency that has some people saying it’s a ‘hoax’. The very person who is extremely codependent can often flip into being the exact opposite, the person pushing someone away, called by therapists ‘counterdependency’. And often, within a codependent relationship, the two partners take turns being codependent and counterdependent!
Confused? Let’s look at this dynamic.
What is counterdependency?
Counterdependency is a label for people who refuse emotional attachment. They do this, refusing to need other people, by denying they have any needs in the first place and avoiding intimate situations as often as possible.
The signs you are counterdependent:
- you suffer anxiety in close intimate relationships
- rarely ask others for help
- hide your insecurities from others
- show little awareness for the needs and wants of others
- tend to sexualise any affectionate touch
- like to always look good and be ‘right’
- often exhibit perfectionist behaviours, afraid to appear weak
- cut off from your feelings
The codependent/ counter-dependent dating dance
Codependent people inevitably choose counterdependents to love, forming two sides of an unhealthy pattern. Then, when the codependent finally gathers the strength to try and walk away from the emotionally aloof counterdependent they are destroying themselves to try and win love from, what happens? The pattern sometimes totally switches! The once counterdependent panics and gets clingy, trying to hold on to the formerly codependent person who now might become cold and shut down, in other words, counterdependent.
Isn’t that normal and just ‘passion’? Is there really an alternative?
No, it’s not normal, it’s an unhealthy pattern that is sadly too common. And yes, there is a much better option. It’s called ‘interdependency’.
Interdependency involves dependency, which might sound scary. What with our ‘cult of the individual’ in recent decades, dependency has received a bad rap. But dependency is actually healthy in the right setting.
The truth is that as humans, we all need others. We are by our very nature social animals, who used to live in tribes. Intimacy, as in deep, connected relationships of all kinds, is important to our moods, ambitions, and even our will to exist at all. And intimacy requires a sort of dependence. It means we fully trust someone else with all that we are, and trust them to be there for us.
The key ingredients of an interdependent relationship
By: peddhapati
The secret, and what makes it ‘interdependency’ instead of ‘dependency’, involves two key ingredients.
1) You come from a place of self-respect and self trust.
In other words, before you depend on the one you love, you also know that if push came to shove you can depend on you to take care of you. So it’s not about needing the other person to survive, which is dependency, it’s about being able to survive by yourself but allowing the other person to help you to not just survive but to thrive.
2)You depend on each other in a completely equal way.
They depend on your for some things, too. It’s an equal game of give and take.
So interdependence is when two people are both equally dependent on each other as well as dependent on themselves.
Conclusion
Codependency has grown in meaning to keep up with the challenges of a changing society and it can be a misunderstood, overused and also wrongly used term. While in some ways we have all shown codependent behaviours, to suffer from full codependency is different and is a real emotional and sometimes lifelong struggle that often requires therapy to overcome. It’s important that we don’t allow the flippancy with which people now use the word codependency to diminish the real pain and suffering those who are truly codependent suffer.
Codependency is above all a mistaken seeking for love by those who have only ever been shown control when growing up and have therefore mistaken control for love. And can any of us honestly judge anyone on wanting to be cared for and loved?
Need help for codependency? We connect you with some of London’s best relating therapists in central London locations. Or use our sister booking to find a UK-wide registered therapist who can help with codependency.
Andrea M. Darcy is a mental health and wellbeing expert with training in person-centred counselling and coaching. She often writes about trauma, relationships, and ADHD, and works as a consultant helping people plan their perfect therapy journey. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
This is a really good article – straightforward and honest. I work with many codependents and those with addictive behaviours.
Thanks Helen. Copdependency is really in some ways an addictive behaviour in and of itself!
Problems with co-dependency may arise when one of the codependent parties is incarcerated. The remaining party is outside and has lost their co-dependent. It can lead to lots of problems with mental health issues, including alcoholism. In an otherwise normal relationship, one party is unilaterally dependent and has no other in the relationship. This has been shown to have more than normal tenure: once relationships have been re-established, the codependent may still have difficulty in resuming normal behaviour.
I frankly do not know what I rate as, I have been so shy all my life, even now though in school I turned down a date to the prom and had to go alone.
every since then some 40 years ago I have not changed, I never got married or had children, I let women seduce me into bed, even though I loved it and I have been alone and not even had sex for about 20 years, so I really crave it now.
My shyness gets in the way though and so I stay alone, I have tried to please people so much I let them rob and treat me bad even letting strangers and family rob me, and am to afraid to confront them, I was attacked and had my jaw dislocated by a former neighbor and the police called it mutual combat, I was the victim!
when I lived at one address for 12 years my neighbors robbed me 13 times and the police threatened me to not do anything about it, so I left the state.
The place I moved to charged me 2 times the cost of the property which I could not pay.
Family let me rent a home from them, but the jobs I got discriminated against me because of my age and I was paid minimum wage even though I had experience, and the employer cheated me off my wages so I could not pay much of my rent for 4 years and the family was forced to sell it.
So my older brother put m e up in 2013 to the present, but his weird things he does and his nuts wife are driving me nuts.
I can’t get a job because 18 year old’s are supposedly more trained then me who has 40 years experience, I have no retirement, ssi or disability, no income and I have disabilities that now prevent me from working, i have applied for Disability 3 times and was turned down 3 times, My attorney is working on it and I have to live with my brother and his wife that steal from me for another 2 years (and I can’t say anything if I want a place to live) before I get another chance at my disability court hearing, I live on the $100.00 a month my 80 year old mother has to send me so I can get by which makes me feel like a worm.
I do not know what to do, I stay in my room all day and night working on my computer so that I do not have to face anyone.
That is an extraordinary amount of trauma for one person. Dealing with it all alone must be exhausting and very very lonely. It sounds less like codependency and more like you struggle with severely low self-esteem and negative thinking (which anyone would develop given your circumstances, so please don’t see this as judgemental!). You have no money, which is even harder, but the one thing that would be invaluable would be support, to find even just one person who can listen and support you without leaving you feeling used. Are there any support groups in your area? Places you could go to meet people who are not related to you? Or to receive free counselling? Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) might be very useful to you. We have an article on finding free or low cost counselling that might help. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/low-cost-therapy-free-counselling-services.htm We’d also suggest trying to read anything you can on finding self-esteem or feeling better about yourself. We recommend the book ‘Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” by David Burns. You can also find many free videos on Youtube nowadays. The problem with feeling bad about yourself is that is saps your energy and leaves you feeling helpless and becomes a vicious cycle. Anything you can do to feel even a tiny bit better will help you think more clearly.
Thank you for writing this article it was very helpful. It is so easy to put a label on people these days and for those who are not one of the two extremes it can be hard to figure out what you are and are not which can hinder personal growth.
Thank you for the compliment! Yes, labels are a double edged sword. They can be a good short hand for explaining what we struggle with, but we are all essentially unique and they can also feel like a trap. Don’t forget that we all can swing from codependency to counterdependency, too – they aren’t fixed.
Hi, I’m 27 and just recently has my dad’s crazy outburst finally opened my eyes to my issues. I had pushed all my emotions under a carpet and all the memories of how ruthless and narcissistic he was growing up came back. How we weren’t treated as individual children, he didn’t care about feelings, we were told never to have friends or go to after school activities. All that mattered was we study and get good grades and reflect well upon him. He would come home from work angry and my 2 brothers usually ended up being the scapegoat for all problems and the 3rd brother was the golden child. We were beaten, for shit grades, for spilling, for little issues….. Now I’m 27, having been with a man for 7 and half years and only finally after coming to an understanding about my childhood do I see that I have all the symptoms of a codependant and I can see all the traits of my father in my boyfriend. I have always known every time we argued that something was off, I can see now how he has had no empathy. All the red flags were there when we met but I just didn’t want to be alone and now 7 and half years on what habe I do e to myself. It never felt right but he gave me exactly what I wanted to hear every time and I like an idiot would get back into that horrendous cycle all over again. Every time I want to say no to someone, everyone ounce of my body screams no but I say yes. I am always just wanting to please everyone else, i find it hard to pick up the phone to listen to my best friends problems and I feel guilty about that. I have a deep desire to look the best out of everybody in a room so that people will perceive me to be good looking. I was so vulnerable with my bf like I had never been with anyone in my life, giving and giving and expecting to do the same but that never happened. I don’t ever show my vulnerability to anyone else, i don’t ever depend on anyone else but I did so with my bf. My mum has asked me to stay with her always because she can’t live without me. I don’t know where to begin to heal. I have stopped to ask myself what do I really want and what do I really need before speaking. Right now I just feel so empty. I’m finding it hard to feel anything and I have to constantly dig and dig deep into my self to finally feel a bit of loss. I just don’t know what to do anymore, im struggling to deal with life, crying at work when I start thinking too much, not going to work and staying bed. Do I need therapy? I have ordered myself self help books and am reading and watching YouTube to educate myself but I’m scared I’m going to stay this way my whole life. How do I move on from him. I just feel so empty and broken.
Thanks so much for this honest sharing. We’ve edited it a bit for size and privacy. In summary, this is a lot for anyone to deal with, and it sounds like you are suffering from depression. Therapy would be a GREAT idea, good for you for being courageous enough to think of it. When we grow up with parents who can’t provide the unconditional love and support a child needs we end up adults who get stuck in patterns of bad relationships.Self help books and videos are a great start. But patterns are powerful. A therapist not only helps us really see the patterns, they help us experience our first trusting relationship (therapy is actually a relationship, between you and the therapist) and that alone is worth the cost.
Hello,
I think I am a full co-dependent and I can see where it came from and how thing relate past-present but I don’t know how to change my way of thinking. So:
In my childhood, my mum had to work a lot because my parents divorced and my dad disappeared so she was working 2, 3 jobs and when she was at home she was always so angry and she used to shout and push away me and my brother. I was 6 and I was always home alone. My mum would come home late at night and my brother that was 8 years older, used to go outside to play. But because I was too young, I had to stay in the house. I felt horrible lonely and neglected. I had good grades at school because if I didn’t get good grades my mum would beat me, literally. I craved for affection and I was almost obsessed with my mum’s reactions and I did everything possible not to upset her. Sometimes I didn’t even speak for hours just not to annoy her. I knew how to read her mood by the way she was grabbing the pots, opening the fridge even by the way she was breathing, because sometimes she would breathe heavily and then she would become angry. To this day I know how to read her every facial expression and what she’s thinking. Sometimes I do the same thing regarding other people around.
I felt that I shouldn’t ask for affection from my mum because she was so angry at me all the time. Her face was becoming so cruel every time she beat me, I felt she was so angry that she could easily kill me at any time and not regret it, probably it’s not what she meant but that was my fear then. Also, she always compared me to other kids and told me that they are far better than me and smarter. All my life until this day I had the same thought in my head about other people being better. In a very wicked way I started thinking that I as a person don’t value enough to be loved by my mum.
At 12 I ran away from home, I tried to kill myself, I miraculously escaped 2 times being made a prostitute. When I returned at home, my mum told me that if I do this again, she will beat me until I am dead. I felt worthless. I struggled with depression through teenage years. I started my sexual life at 14 when a man 20 year older convinced me. When we got to his place, I wanted to stop but he kept going, he forced me. It was not the first time I was sexually abused. At age 5, a neighbor abused me, we didn’t have sexual relations but he stripped naked and he made me touch him. I tried to explain it to my mum but she laughed at me and she said that I have such a rich imagination. Then, I never ever told her anything else again about myself, although I was in danger and in difficult situations so many times and as a child I felt very alone and unprotected.
After multiple bad relations, other sexual abuses but also some nice experiences, finishing high-school, meeting new people, making new friends, my first job at 16, trips with friends, lots of partying, alcohol in my 2nd year of university, I turned towards faith where I really found a huge comfort and I started healing from all the suffering. I decided to be sexually abstinent, to give up smoking, drinking, partying and to try to discover myself. It worked good for me, I became a bit more confident and in peace with me and my past.
Then at 26, I felt ready to meet someone to get married and I did. Someone introduced me online to my husband, we were living in different countries. We had a long-distance relationship but then I moved to his country, he proposed and we got married. He is a church person, he seems perfect from the outside and I liked him. In the honey-moon he started to act so differently, he was totally dissatisfied with almost everything regarding me or what I do. I imagined that he is like this because of his very tiring job and long hours at work. After a few very depressing months I discovered reading on the internet that he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He puts me down for every small detail that goes wrong, he calls me names, he threatens me with a divorce and he makes me fill guilty and puts the blame on me for everything possible.
I find myself in the same spot as a child but now my husband is replacing my mum. I am overly obsessed with his mood, I walk on egg shells and I do everything I can not to upset him. When he is angry I prefer to take all the blame and the insults just that he can calm down. I even live by a daily schedule he made for me since we’re both unemployed (I don’t have a work permit and he is looking for a new job). I find myself so tired and exhausted physically and emotionally but I cannot show sadness because he becomes mad cause he cannot accept that he doesn’t make me happy. He totally controls what people I talk to, and he is very strict about what I can talk to people. He is the one that has the finances.
I feel so stuck in another country, no money of my own, no place of my own, no job, I don’t even have rights in this country as a visitor, no social insurance. I started having panic attacks when he first threatened me with divorce. It is so hard. I have one friend from the church that assured me I can go to her place anytime I want so that gave me a bit of comfort. If he really divorces, it’s not the heartbreak, it’s the shame. I know that my mum and my family would be the first to point the finger at me. In no way I would go back to my country, I feel like a loser. I don’t have the motivation to do anything productive for self development but I have to get on my feet. I am so scared and I feel so disappointed of myself. I was always a people pleaser and I always took more care of others than myself because I desperately don’t want people to suffer or to be upset but now I feel like it’s so much, day and night I have to put him first and to continually do things so he doesn’t get mad at me and puts me down. But I feel I can’t do it for long and I am so upset that I have huge anxiety and cannot depend on myself for making decisions in life. I wish I had more confidence. I secretly envy people that are so confident and can stand up for themselves. I want to go to therapy but he laughs and calls me mentally challenged and that real people solve their problems by themselves not by going to a therapist. Therapy is not that cheap and I don’t have money of my own now so I guess I have to find a way to convince him that it’s worth the investment. I know that everyone thinks I should be the one getting a divorce but I simply cannot imagine myself doing that. I don’t have the courage and also based on faith, marriage is supposed to be a struggle and I think that I will end up even more disappointed in myself because I abandoned the fight and I took the easy way out. So, I am willing to learn how to become more independent and how to set barriers and how to build my confidence.
Oh my goodness this is truly heartbreaking to read Stephanie. What a lot of trauma for one person to live through. Yes, there are elements of codependency, but more than that, you are likely suffering from post traumatic shock syndrome (PTSD) from abuse. And you have had to please others to get by, which results every time in a low sense of identity and extremely low self confidence. Which is crazy, because look at how powerful you are, to get through all this, to have the level of self awareness you do with nobody helping you to do so, to be able to continue on all alone in another country. Stephanie, reach out for help. Find all your strength and do what you can. Therapy is not for the mentally challenged, it is for the strong and courageous. We don’t know what country you are in, perhaps America? So we can’t refer you to low cost counselling here but if you read our article on low cost counselling you might find inspiration. And did you know that in the USA the Good Samaritans have a free text service where you can chat to people? Also do research around hostels for women should you one day need them, or charities who help women from other countries without legal rights who are in difficult situations, they exist in most countries and they are run by wonderful caring people who can help. Finally, surviving and taking care of yourself is more important than what anyone thinks. Shame is horrible, but it’s not true. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have done the best you can in very difficult situations. We believe in you. We hope you find some support. And that when it comes, you take it. You deserve it.
I found this article incredibly interesting and slightly unnerving being able to identify with it. I’m engaged which is quite a stressful time to identify with the above. I would say we have both switched being codependent and counter dependant in our roles or would at least identify with one of them. I don’t really know where to begin and I’m the only one who seems to identify some of the destructive nature’s of our relationships. I’ve come from a far more unstable background with Divorced parents from a young age. We care for one another a lot. I feel the emotional burden of keeping us both happy exhausting however I know I didn’t used too. I now struggle with anxiety which makes matters worse especially during this important time. We both have large families, stressful jobs and packed social lives to distract us. Things are clearly changing and it feels we’ve grown apart. I don’t know how we start figuring this out…
It sounds like you are struggling with a lot all at once. What would you deep down like to do here, if you had the freedom to make any choice without negative repercussions? What choice would you make if it was a guarantee that nobody would disprove? Always an interesting question to ask ourselves if we have codependency issues. Finally, counselling before marriage, pre-marital counselling, is actually more common than people talk about. Why? Because people need that support! It’s a super stressful time. Being engaged can shine a light on things and cause many doubts and worries, especially if we are already prone to anxiety. Sometimes we can lose sight of our real needs and hopes under a pile of anxiety. If you can afford it, don’t think this is not worthy of some counselling, it definitely is, and you might find some work with a good counsellor gives you that private, confidential, non judgemental space to vent that is what you really need right now. Hope that helps!
It seems I fall u dear this, After my first wife passed away from cancer, my daughters never wanted to talk to me. Partly because of who I was seeing. I lived in Toronto, met a beautiful person who was about to get scammed ( the famous email ) , helped her then all of a sudden , I found myself talking to her , Her was living in the UK. She invited for Christmas told what I wanted to hear..but never let it get to me..After going back, she told about her issues her business her car money…..yes I got trapped.. and now paying for it..passing remarks such as no money from her business.. I am going back home to Toronto, re – evaluate my life work for the little yrs I have left before retiring. I want to enjoy myself,, with the littlest amount=of money left..You see I helped her out in the process hurting myself… time to move on but feeling guilty..
Eddy
Thank you for sharing Eddy. Try not to be hard on yourself about this. You were obviously in a vulnerable situation, having experienced the big life change of losing your wife. It’s not at all uncommon to make choices which later turn out not to be the best one for us when we are grieving, or going through life change, all of which leaves us not thinking straight or with a desire to feel magic in our lives again that can mean we see the best instead of the full picture. You made a mistake that cost you, but you are aware of it. And you are taking care of yourself again, going back home, planning a better future. The sad part is that you are not talking to your daughters. But maybe they too, were grieving, and with time this connection can be repaired. If you find that it’s all been too much change, or the guilt is leading to anxiety or depression, don’t feel that you can’t reach out to a counsellor for some support. Life changes and big decisions are actually common reasons people talk to counsellors – contrary to the popular idea we have to be ‘having a breakdown’ to seek support, counselling is actually there for any time life is a bit overwhelming. We wish you well and do hope it works out for you.
Thank you for publishing this article. I came to your article after reading “Codependency for dummies” by Darlene Lancer (American), which is actually a superb book, despite the somewhat misleading title. Your (very well written!) article has helped to further clarify some things in my own mind – thank you. I think Darlene describe both roles in a relationship as codependent [or perhaps I misunderstood]… personally I think it helps to have a different label for each of the two roles because they do exhibit different behaviours. I’m also very grateful to you for clarifying the behaviours and drivers – codependent, counter-dependent and interdependent. I had the most amazing therapist, and I met with him weekly for 2 years. I would recommend therapy to anyone who is struggling emotionally (though I do recommend finding a good one… the first two I met were terrible). It cost a small fortune, but it has been the best thing I’ve ever done for myself – it has probably changed my life – and I don’t regret the cost at all. However, I’m still not totally convinced that it’s possible to ‘recover’ – the behaviour is so deeply ingrained – but that isn’t going to stop me trying. In case you’re interested, I once read a terrific book called ‘Assertiveness at work’ which systematically worked through lots (and lots) of examples of assertive, non-assertive and aggressive behaviour to help the reader learn the difference between them… I found the approach especially helpful because the difference can sometimes be quite subtle. I wonder if the same is true of codependent, counter-dependent and interdependent behaviour. I wonder if a systematic approach with lots and lots of examples would help the reader to reflect and evaluate one’s own behaviour and learn to make ‘course corrections’ in real time… rather than making mistakes and only realising and understanding the mistakes afterwards. I guess the problem is that there are far too many people struggling with these behaviours, and far too few decent therapists. Maybe in the future we will have better IT-enabled tools to fix this sort of thing. Thanks again. C.
Thanks Chris, great comment, I am sure this will help other readers! Especially the book recommendations, and the suggestion to keep trying to find a good therapist -we’ve written about this. Too many of us don’t realise therapy can be a bit like dating, you have to put some research in and sometimes try a first before that click happens, we are glad you found it! Re your questions. There is argument to call both co-dependent, as ultimately in relationships that last long enough there is often ‘flipping’. The codependent will try to leave and the counter-dependent will suddenly become clingy and codependent as the previous codependent becomes cold and counter… this is classic. You have a strong point re “recover’, and there is power in dropping that word and working towards acceptance and flourishing regardless. In some ways, coming from these sorts of patterns offers us gifts, too. Always focussing on recovering can miss out on that. We are often sensitive and caring, for example. How can those gifts serve in different ways that then empower instead of drain us? If you have any interest in writing what you suggest, let us know, we do accept articles from other writers. Thank you.
My 5 year relationship recently ended in a knee jerk fashion. I got into a relationship with a man that I feel deeply in love with but I knew had a lot of healing to do. In retrospect, I wish I waited longer, I think it would have saved a lot of heart ache. He was full speed ahead ready to marry within months, and move on with life. I could see it clearly then that I was just a temporary band aid and so I put the breaks on. I loved him dearly and I did my best to love him through things. We worked together, and life went at a crazy speed, never feeling like we had time (or were) addressing the problems. I could see clearly that he didn’t have boundaries and I would try to encourage him in creating them, but during that time, I think he would just talk about them to appease me. He wasn’t honest when I would bring up issues to talk through and would say things to appease me. I had no desire to be appeased nor did I want to control the show, I wanted information that we could build off of. I wish I saw it then as I do now. Back then it was just crazy making and I was always trying to figure out why things didn’t line up or getting in trouble when I would say, “but you said…”. I had defiantly gone past my own boundaries and was living beyond my means to be a part of his life in the ways that I was. I was left emotionally and physically exhausted and at a stand still. I knew that something needed to change, but I didn’t have the energy to know what that was. Now, of course, in hindsight much more is clear. I can see where I became co-dependent to him without realizing it in the name of love. This past January it all ended with blunt force. He had been pulling away and ended it. Again, I wasn’t far behind him, knowing that a break was needed, but what I didn’t/don’t understand is the cruelty in which it has all gone down. He comes from a manipulative past, mother/ex and I feel like now I am getting the aggression as if all that was me. Sure, there were more than enough times I became not so delightful to be around, and showed the uglier parts of my heart (trust me, there is many), but I never intentionally tried to manipulate him. I am being stonewalled with “im unwilling to have this conversation” at every turn. I have come to a point in my life where I would rather do the hard work for reconciliation (in whatever relational dynamic) than to write things off, yet I know I cant make someone ready to be there. I am in a place where I am trying to learn and grow from the things that i went through, but also see things I was blind to. Am I co-dependent because I want to talk things through and gain understanding? Or because I ended up joining his life in the many ways that I did? Or is that just part of love. Obviously there are lines that were crossed, no doubt, but like I said, for the most part, I didn’t always show up pretty but I always showed up. my biggest sorrow is that maybe I unknowingly played into something that I had no desire or heart to play into. He was/is an addict, I knew that, and I can see him in the co-dependent and also the counter-dependent. I can see me in the co-dependedent for sure, although, this has something I have defiantly as a whole been in more of a “recovery” place in my adult life. I guess the goal is just to strive for the inter-dependency when you see it going off track towards something else? is it safe to say that someone putting up boundaries, and doing things in the name of healing, yet they are continuing patterns (like getting into another relationship right away and making quick, rash decisions, and doing similar actions as in the past) is doing it all in the name of “moving on” rather than real true healing? Im just a bit confused by the whole situation and of course heartbroken. Im working hard to find the truth in all of it. My truth, the truth about our relationship and the truth about him because I believe it is what leads to ultimate healing.
Hi Betty, reading all this, it is all very ‘analytical’. You are obviously a very smart person who has done research and wants to understand. But what’s missing here is feeling. And yet it isn’t missing, it’s quite a strong current underneath what you write. So our question for you is, what would happen if you let yourself feel angry? And sad? And grieving? If you put your analysis on hold for a bit and created a safe space for yourself to feel into all this? We are willing to bet you might feel more able to move on than months spent on further attempts at understanding. And that through this process, of letting yourself feel what you really feel instead of what you think you should feel, and of letting go of this control you are enacting through your careful ‘understanding’ process, you’ll also realise that this is not about him, it’s about you, and no further conversation between him and you will reach a reconciliation you sound ready to have with yourself. Hope that helps.
I’ve been grappling unsuccessfully with the term co dependence for a while now but chose to read this article and as a result have found 2ky points which are profoundly helping me . I’ve related to questioning why: re controlling/ needing
More importantly for me read the last paragraph …is the key in the door for me ,growing up with only control…instead of love.
Thanks
So pleased to have been of help!
My name’s Catie, and I’e been in a few relationships before and I’ve always been so interested in the person at the beginning of the relationship. However, whenever things start going steady I start to lose feelings and feel like I have to stay in the relationship because they are still attracted to me. This has happened to me multiple times. I eventually ended the relationships. I’m very hesitant to get into another relationship because I am scared I am going to hurt the other person. I am not sure is this makes me co-dependent, but I’m looking for some help because I feel like I can never love someone.
Hi Catie, that is a strong pattern and can be related to trust issues and dysfunctional ideas of love that would have developed from your childhood. Very much something to work on in therapy, so do take that big step of finding a counsellor or psychotherapist you like and diving in!
Lovely and informative read.
Glad it was helpful!
Hi,
Thank you for the article, it is really helpful. My girlfriend recently broke up with me after 4 years of relationship, saying that she fell out of love. After a lot of talking I understood that I emotionally abused her once or twice in the relationship, unintentionally and never acknowledged it until she pointed out the mistakes I committed. She also feels she was codependent on me, while she did have some of the codependent characteristics, the relationship was never always toxic except for few instances. I realised my mistake and I desperately want to save my relationship, however, after reading the article I understood that my desperate actions show the characterisitcs of counter dependency.
While I desperately want to save the relationship, as the only reason being I loved her and I always love her. I want to change and change for good. How can I do that, to save my realtionship?
Some characteristics, I changed since she explained how I emotionally hurt her in this relationship
1. Being more empathetic and expressive. I was never expressive in our relationship before, however it turns out to be that she thinks I am too clingy now
2. Accepted my behavior and promised her that I will never ever cause such pain again. While it was only 2 instances when I emotionally abused her, it was out of anger and not because of my character. However, still 2 instances are still instances, I promised and I am trying all kinds of ways to be a calm person in this relationship. However, she is still doubtful and it is completely acceptable.
3. Is there anything I can do ? If yes please help me out. She is also suffering from depression, anxiet, panic attacks and OCD. She had these issues even before we were in relationship and she is taking therapy sessions to heal and grow.
While the whole post might look like I was an emotional fucker, all the incidents which took place where completely unintentional and I addressed my mistakes and I want to do whatever it takes to save this relationship. I really love her, she is one of most beautiful things that has happened in my life and I never want to lose that.
Please suggest
Hi there Anonymous. Actually, you don’t look at all like an emotional f—- based on this comment. Relationships are hard. We fight, we stay dumb things, we make mistakes. We hurt others and get hurt. Welcome to the human race. The fact that she has sat on and brooded on and held against you two exact instances for years without ever saying anything… that isn’t fair of her, and it’s petty. Second of all, if it’s only two instances over four years…. couples fight. It’s normal. now we don’t know what terrible thing you apparently did that counts as ’emotional abuse’ but what we do see is that you are taking all the blame, are anxiously trying to please this woman, in summary, sounds like she has some sort of control over this entire situation. But you are also trying to control as you aren’t letting go. If she has clearly stated she is out of love and clearly wanted the relationship to end, trying to get her back by being exactly what she wants is actually a form of manipulation. We know you mean the best, but the best thing to do for someone else is to believe in what they say, listen to them, and, in some cases, set them free. Yes, let go. Fully. Often, if we let go and get on with the one thing we can control, which is ourselves, if that person is right for us, they come back at some point. Yes, we say right for you, too, as quite frankly seems you have lost yourself in this relationship and we aren’t entirely convinced this is healthy for you despite your protests. In a healthy relationship we do not have to walk on eggshells and bend over backwards to please or endlessly obsess on what the other person wants. In summary, put the focus on you. You say she is in therapy, have you considered it for yourself? We think it could help. Focus on sorting out your own issues, following your passions in life, doing things that make you feel your life has purpose, setting and achieving goals that matter to you, being happy in and of yourself. Remember who you are outside of this relationship. Again, real love always finds its way back, and always when we remember that our one true love is ourselves, only from the space of inner equlibrium can we truly love others anyway. Best, HT.
Where is the research on codependency, when the context is not substance addiction (I believe alcohol addiction was three specific substance)? I have not been able to find any scientific evidence in support of codependency as an actual mental disorder or abnormal or harmful set of behaviors.