Healthy Boundaries – 12 Signs You Lack Them (and Why You Need Them)
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 11, 2023
by Andrea M. Darcy
Exhausted by trying to make everyone happy? Or feel secretly annoyed as those around you are taking advantage of you and using adult peer pressure? You need to learn about healthy boundaries.
What are healthy boundaries?
By: Nicolas Raymond
Personal boundaries are the limits you decide work for you.
They dictate how people can treat you, how they can behave around you, and what they can expect from you.
They are drawn from the framework of your core beliefs, your perspective, opinions, and your values. And these things in turn are created from your life experience, and the social environments you have lived in.
If you find the concept of healthy boundaries difficult to understand, think of other sorts of boundaries. Property lines, fences, lines in the sand, buoys marking off the deep end. Do you have any such markers, limits, or ‘stop signs’ in your personal life?
Why do I need boundaries?
If you don’t set healthy boundaries, you are likely to constantly be at the mercy of others.
You allow others to tell you how to think, act, and feel. It also means you tend to spend your time and energy doing what others want you to do, over what you deep down want to do. In the long term this can lead to frustration and depression. You will feel unfulfilled or lost.
At its worse, not setting boundaries allows others to do things to you that are upsetting, or even harmful.
[Read our article about the psychological effects of never saying no to learn more on why boundaries matter.]
12 Signs that you lack boundaries
1. Your relationships tend to be difficult or dramatic.
The less you set healthy boundaries, the more you give others a signal that you don’t know how to take care of yourself. This leaves you open to attracting will people who want to control you.
Or you might lack such a sense of power from never standing up for yourself that you resort to unconscious manipulation yourself. This means you are constantly in codependent relationships and friendships that lack an equal exchange of give and take.
By: barockschloss
2. You find decision making a real challenge.
You can end up spending so much of your life doing what others want that you lose a sense of self. This means you often don’t know what you do or don’t want. Faced with a decision, you blank.
3. You really, really hate to let other people down.
People without personal limits tend to go along with other people’s plans. They worry so much about letting other people down, they just say yes. Perhaps you’ve been called a ‘people pleaser‘.
4. Two words – guilt and anxiety.
If you ever dare say yes? You suffer from ongoing guilt and fear.
Many people with boundary issues feel guilty for the smallest things, too. Like taking the last piece of cake, or asking someone to move along a bench so you, too, can sit.
5. You are often tired for no apparent reason.
Always doing what others want means you are left to cram your own life in the time leftover, which is exhausting. But never identifying and pursuing your own dreams in life can also cause a sense of fatigue, as it can cause mild depression.
6. Your radar is off when it comes to sharing.
You tend to overshare private details of your life with people you just met, leaving you open to hurt and manipulation. But then, when someone wants to be close with you, you panic. You don’t know how to share your needs and wants and might suffer intimacy issues.
7. You are constantly the victim of situations.
This can mean you tend to feel hard done by, because others will take advantage of you in both obvious and subtle ways. Perhaps you you feel overlooked or blamed at work, in your family, and in your social circles. You might even be the sort of person that things always seem to go wrong for.
8. You are a tiny bit annoyed most of the time.
Of course you are. On a certain level, you feel taken advantage of.
9. You secretly feel that others don’t show you respect.
If you don’t set boundaries, people won’t know how to act around you, and you will be left feeling disrespected.
The other side of this coin is that without your own boundaries you are less likely to recognise those of others, and might unwittingly be disrespecting them.
10. You might just be passive aggressive.
First you let others take the advantage. Then you try to manipulate back the energy and power you lost by nagging the other person or complaining, or even punishing them in little ways. In other words, a bad case of passive aggression.
You might also blame others all the time. Which is a way of not facing up to the fact that really, you didn’t set a boundary, and that you are the one who is responsible for your life.
11. You often wonder who you really are.
It’s likely that you are unclear on your purpose in life, or perhaps struggle to set goals. You might even have an identity crisis.
12. Your secret fear is of being rejected or abandoned.
Lacking healthy boundaries goes back to childhood. It often means you didn’t have a caregiver who provided unconditional love and acceptance. You had to do what others wanted to avoid being rejected or abandoned. And now as an adult those are the two things you fear most.
Why do I lack the ability to set boundaries?
It can also come from childhood trauma. Things like sexual abuse give a child the message that they don’t matter, or get to have boundaries.
Or sometimes it’s learned behaviour. You witnessed a parent gain their sense of self through pleasing. And learned that is what love is.
Not sure you do or don’t set limits?
If you are not sure you are good at setting healthy boundaries? Or indeed have any at all? Ask yourself these questions.
- How often do I worry about what other people think?
- Do I feel guilty for wanting to do things by myself?
- When did I last say no to someone?
- When did I last say yes to something I secretly didn’t want to do?
- Do I feel like I deserve respect or I have to earn it by being ‘nice’?
- What are the five rules to being my friend? Do I know them quickly and easily?
- And the 10 things I most like to do with my time? Can I quickly come up with them?
- What are the 10 things I hate doing? Do I even have strong feelings about things?
- When I think about saying no to someone, do I feel afraid? Or calm inside?
What boundaries are not
1.Boundaries are not something that makes you unhappy.
If you set boundaries, you then attract people who are willing to respect you and want good things for you.
2. They are not to limit your joy, but to protect your joy.
Your relationships get better, and you actually enjoy the things you choose to do because they match your values.
3. Boundaries are not set in stone.
As you learn more of who you are, and experience personal lessons in life, you will change. So too, will your boundaries.
You never have to feel bad about changing your mind about changing a boundary. It’s your life. You decide what does and doesn’t work and you have the right to evolve those decisions.
4. They are not about right or wrong.
Your personal healthy boundaries are based on your own value system and perspective, and might be totally different than someone else’s. This doesn’t make you right and them wrong, it means you are different people.
Help! I need to set healthy boundaries. What do I do?
The first step can be learning more about yourself, and giving yourself the time and space to do so .In other words, watch the self-judgement, and recognise this will be a process, not a quick destination.
A great start can be journalling and reading self-help books (also called ‘bibliotherapy‘) about core beliefs, values, and identity. Mindfulness is also a good tool, helping you to become more aware of how you actually feel from moment to moment.
Be wary of turning to others and asking them what boundaries you should have.There is a good chance many of your relationships are codependent, which means your friends, family members, and/or partner are invested in you taking care of their happiness. They might not be able to be truthful with you, no matter how well-intentioned they are.
Instead, try someone who can help you without personal investment, such as a talk therapist / counselling psychologist. Both of whom will be trained at helping you identify your values and perspective. Cognitive behavioural therapy, for example, helps you look at what thoughts you have about yourself, others, and the world are actually true. It helps you have more practical, balanced thinking, so you can make better choices for yourself.
Have a tip about setting great personal boundaries you’d like to share? Do so below. We love hearing from you.
Andrea M. Darcy is a mental health and wellbeing expert and personal development teacher with training in person-centred counselling and coaching, as well as a popular psychology writer. She attributes setting boundaries as one of the most powerful things she’s learned. Find her on Linkedin and Instagram @am darcy.
Great information, and a very useful website indeed! Couldn’t thank you enough for all the details you offer, but I really have some statements that I’d like to make. Don’t you think some actions/behaviours tend to have different sources other than very deep-rooted psychological ones? For example; finding it very hard to make decisions could simply stem from your personality trait of indecessiveness. Moreover, trying not to be very over-picky about plans and things could also be demonstrating a healthy form of flexibility and not necessarily pointing to you allowing others to walk all over you or speak over you even in the simplest of matters. Please note that such acknowledgements do make a difference in grasping and accepting the concepts you are presenting to people over here, so please consider specifying that so you don’t make people worry more unintentionally.
We trust our readers’ own innate wisdom. And for the most part, only those with real issues tend to gravitate towards researching psychological topics. It takes a lot to get over our resistance to change, and accept we are unhappy, after all! Most people only seek such information if their own instincts are nudging them towards recognising things are not going as smoothly as they should be in life. But interesting point.
I want to thank you for your site. Have been in therapy for years as I needed help being a parent to two sons while trying to come to terms with being “mentally ill”. Boundaries are a big thing I’m looking at now as I have had none. The flexibility thing mentioned above has meant I didn’t live MY life, I have been at the mercy of others since birth. Just starting the work of “me” and found your insight helpful as it reaffirms my feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment of not realizing I DO matter. Thank you; bless you for putting your site out here for me to find.
Oh how wonderful to hear you are making such great progress. You do matter indeed!
Sounds like who I am , going through a personal inventory why I am where I am now , the truth is freeing to myself. needed this information before this mess.
We’re glad to hear this helped. It’s ok to be in a mess. You are starting to see the mess and search for a way out, that’s what matters. If we didn’t ever have any messes, we’d never discover what we’re really made of.
This information is very important. I am currently in a circle of women leaving or having left abusive relationships. People without healthy boundaries are targeted. Many women I speak to who have been victimized in relationships are repeatedly victimized and will say it is as though they have a target on their back. I say yes, you do! While researching victim selection for a work project I have read about the process of selecting victims from the perspective of the perpetrator but also the victims qualities and life circumstances that lead to being victimized. Putting this together with the boundary issues it is easier to see how an individual becomes vulnerable not knowing who to trust and not seeing the dangers presented to them. Thank you.
We are glad you found the article useful. It’s also often true that those who are victims as adults were victims as children. Childhood sexual abuse, for example, leads to an inability to set boundaries, leads to attracting relationships with narcissists. There has been research done that shows that women who were abused as children are then more likely to go on to experience other abusive experiences like rape. So there is something to the ‘energy’ of being a victim, so to speak, that attracts more victimising experiences. All very sad. Learning to set boundaries can be extremely difficult in such scenarios, but also immensely powerful and a way to break this cycle.
This is a great article and has helped makes sense of a lot of things in my life so thank you for actually putting it out there . It’s an amazing thing that someone has a kind enough heart to actually get this information out there help the wider community . I can say I tick a lot of these boxes feeling like I ahev completely lost my boundries aswell as my identity . My sister was a narristic person and I feel like very much so I have felt guilty for beignmyaelf but not just that aswel feeling guilty for having my own needs . I am working with a counsellor who is helping me through all of this but thank you again for sharing all of that.
We are so grateful it’s helpful. We invest in outreach on our own steam just as we really aspire to a world where psychological health is normal and ok to talk about as physical health! Having a narcissistic family member is hard, and if you were left to be the ‘good, pleasing’ child, then yes, very hard to be able to have an identity. But how wonderful you are seeking support, and we are sure your sharing will encourage other readers.
Thank you so much for this. I have been researching and trying to discover new ways of turning my life around. As a child I endured at least 8 years of sexual abuse by a family member and have gone on to have adult relationships with folk who have shown extremely high narcissistic traits. I feel like my lightbulb has just come on. I’ve been aware of all this but couldn’t quite put it in place before. I have recently called off a relationship with a very manipulative partner who has been in my life for just over 5 years (Its still very early days and he is continuing to tell people we are still together). In recognising his behaviours and traits I have recognised my own patterns. Its been one of the biggest whirlwinds I have ever encountered and although it is early and I am feeling empty, I also feel stronger than I’ve ever felt by walking away. I await the stories about me and the continuous mind games ahead but they are beyond me. For the first time in my life I do not want to fill my life with feeling responsible for the exhausting happiness and endless list of needs of someone else. I want to discover what i’m interested in and how i might want to spend my own time. I always wondered what it would feel like when other people said that. I’ve said it many times before but this time feels different. Blogs like this are great. Thank you.
On a journey to discover the healthy side of boundaries for the first time in 30+ years.
Nicole, we are so glad to hear you are having a lightbulb moment and that we could be of any help. 8 years of abuse is a hard start and it’s hardly any wonder you are attracted to relationships that repeat cycles of abuse. We would just say, if there was any way you could reach out for support, it would be hugely beneficial. No matter how good you feel getting away, these patterns are powerful over us when we grew up with abuse. If there was any budget for counselling or therapy, the support it provides for breaking these patterns once and for all is huge (we have an article on here about low cost counselling that could be helpful). Otherwise consider support groups where you can find other women who understand just what you are going through and provide understanding. We wish you courage on the journey forward!
Hello. I stumbled on this article pondering life and how we are living it. One of my thoughts about boundaries is based in a culture that doesn’t seem to honor boundaries. I would imagine, that to some degree we all struggle with this. Then there are economic pressures, also a part of our culture. Which impact our abilities to have boundaries. Whenever writing on these topics we have to recognize Maslov’s “pyramid of needs”. I think aiding people in understanding that “it’s not all our fault” can be helpful… and also… one step at a time. There’s a lot of good info here and there are layers to be uncovered on this journey. Thanks for the article.
Thanks Laura, that’s a very astute comment. And it’s definitely true. Social media, for example, often results in boundaries being overstepped, or in individuals creating ‘false’ personalities to protect boundaries, which might have its own repercussions long term. We’d just add it’s very rarely anyone’s ‘fault’ they can’t set boundaries, as we are all the sum of our experiences.If we have trouble setting boundaries, it’s usually because as a child we weren’t allowed any, or witnessed parents who had no skills with boundaries. But it’s equally important to not fall into victim mentality -easy to do if we never set boundaries. As adults we have to gather up our courage to step forward and take charge of our choices.
‘If you don’t have healthy boundaries, you are likely to constantly find yourself at the mercy of others’. This sentence said so much to me and more because that is how I seem to have like my life. When I was a child my parents constantly argued which meant that I avoided conflict at all cost and in avoided conflict I avoided arguing with people. My sister was bullied me and often shouted which meant that I avoided loud aggressive people who made me anxious and although I promised myself that my romantic relationships and friendships would never be like this I have some how managed to have relationships with people who have exhibited these traits. Which after reading the article was like a light bulb going off because I can clearly see that over the years that I have never if rarely ever had boundaries in place, and that all my relationships could actually be the same because all I did was ‘swop heads’ of the people who came and went in my life but they were basically just the same person. I obviously attracted certain type of people who felt they could control me and because I had no boundaries allowed them to do that. I can see that all 12 steps could be applicable to me and that I have work to do to get some healthy boundaries in place so that the life that I envisage and the relationships I want can happen. Thank you so much for such an informative article.
So glad to be of help! Yes, if we grow up in an environment we have to be ‘good’ to keep the peace, we learn to avoid conflict, but also end up losing sight of who we really are, and then we do tend to recreate this pattern again and again in life. But recognising the pattern is a huge step forward. We wish you courage in stepping forward and working through all this.
I have two tips for saying “no”. I used to struggle with this but have gotten very good at it with practice. First, if I’m asked for something and not allowed the time I feel I need to think it over the answer must be no. Second, I ask myself if I’ll be angry about it later if I agree. If my answer to this question is yes, I can be more confident when saying “no.” Thanks for the great article.
These are great tips, thanks for sharing Vicki!
Great article! Thank you! I’ve been working on setting healthy boundaries for years, working with and without a therapist. I recently began communicating boundaries with homeless people I met in an online group. They have poor or nonexistent boundaries. When I expressed a boundary and said: “no,” to a person’s request for resources, I was jumped on by several of the members who called me “mean,” and a “troll” because I said no. I said no because I am no longer willing to help those unwilling to help themselves. I work with the homeless by choice. Many of them are mentally ill, but many just refuse to take responsibility for themselves. Having once been homeless myself, I worked my way out of it and became successful, giving a TED Global talk etc. about my experience. Now I am a ghostwriter for CEOs of large corporations etc. and have a nonprofit where I teach the homeless who are motivated to help themselves start their own businesses. I’ve come a long way from horrific abuse as a child. I feel confident in myself and my decisions. I have some things to work on, including the “disease to please.”
However, I’m wondering what is appropriate and compassionate to say to those who shun boundaries or declare anyone who won’t give them everything they want is mean and abusive. I have been saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I only help those willing and able to help themselves. That is my personal policy. I know it seems mean to you, but I assure you I care about you AND I’m not going to do for you what you can do for yourself. When you’re willing to discuss boundaries and responsibility please contact me. Until then I can’t and won’t be able to help you.” Then I walk away and I no longer respond to any attempts by them to engage me in their anger or drama. I can’t. There are too many others willing to work who need my limited (due to health) time, attention and resources. Is that mean?
Hi Becky, first of all, congratulations on all you have achieved. Is the real question here ‘is that mean’? It feels like there is a lot more going on here. You are free to choose not to go to these forums, after all.Are there other ways to help people that don’t involve constant conflict? Otherwise, there is an old proverb, ‘you can’t get blood for a stone’. Meaning that having expectations of others to give us what they can’t is not the best use of our energy. Just because you managed to pull yourself out (which is wonderful), is it fair to expect others to do what you have? Finally, sometimes when we are passionate about something we can in our excitement and confidence speak in ways that come across as forceful, not realising we are doing so. Vulnerable people tend to be especially sensitive, which in some ways is understandable. At the end of the day, if we really want a message to land, we have to do it in a language and manner that is what others want to hear. Otherwise perhaps it’s best to take our message elsewhere. Hope that helps.
This is a very informative article! After many years of anxiety and depression, and passive aggressiveness, lack of goals… the list goes on, I finally understand what is actually wrong (or not wrong) with me. I am also an HSP, which only makes my daily life really difficult sometimes.
I have also been reading a book on people pleasing and this article just reconfirms all that I have just discovered in the book.
Your website is excellent with very good information for the layperson!
Thanks!
Thank you so much Anne, it means a lot to us to know it’s been helpful! Boundaries are a big issue for many of us, and it can be quite a journey learning to use them. But they can be trulylife changing. You might also find our article on saying no useful http://bit.ly/sayingnobetter.
This is so completely dead on,! It’s as though you are describing me!
Everything from the last piece of cake to sharing too much of my heart with strangers!!
I have dug so deep these last 4 years, but your article wrapped it all up!
I’ve been too much an open book my entire life- only to be hurt
As a child, not allowed to have my own beliefs or ways/boundaries- would get labeled difficult-
Thank you for your incredible insight!
Really glad to be of help!
Hi there….I’ve really been struggling with this concept of boundaries. Perhaps I never had them growing up. I recently had a pastor say he was working with her daughter on boundaries…but this also came after her brother called me barely tolerable. See, the thing is, I’m not even sure I did anything wrong…and there really wasn’t much of a discussion about why. I’m trying to respect her space…but at the same time I feel really really dejected. Perhaps I was too annoying. She doesn’t treat other guys in the church like she does me…she put a block on me. i felt like it was unloving and uncaring. For me, this stems back to when I first started going to church and within the first week my only Christian friend said there was nothing in the Bible that said we had to be friends. at another church a former coworker came up to me the first day and asked me to leave. third church a girl said she would leave if I kept going, and now this barely tolerable thing. In all cases…nobody is saying I’m doing anything wrong…but if that’s the case why do I feel like everyone hates me? i talked to the pastor and he said as a church they wanted to give me the space I need to move forward…but also to let him know if I wanted coffee…so from my perspective the boundary line isn’t very clear, and it really just feels like bitterness and hatred. At the same time, I can understand the need in some regard…like obviously especially in Christianity you can’t just allow everyone to do whatever they want…you know I know there are very serious things like rape out there that can be very scary…but maybe I feel like people are taking the boundaries belief way too far. For me the constant rejection with no discussion for growth is equally as psychologically damaging as having no boundaries at all. That’s just my two cents. I know a lot of people say they don’t owe me an explanation but another part also thinks perhaps if we had candid conversations then perhaps there would be opportunity for change and the improvement of relationships as well. I hope to hear what others think on this because I really want to improve my relationships and not feel so lonely.
We are sorry to hear that you feel so misunderstood and lonely. It sounds really hard. Churches can be confusing places because on one hand they want you to feel part of a ‘family’ but on the other hand they have a lot of power dynamics and are often run by people who have their own personal issues. What we also hear here, though, is that you really struggle to understand others. This seems more of the problem than boundaries (how can we set boundaries if we can’t understand what people want from us in the first place?) Is there any way you could talk to a counsellor about this? It would be a really good idea if so. Sometimes if we really don’t think or feel like other people we can need help. If you feel like you see the world differently than everyone you know, and it is making all of your life a struggle, it might even be your brain is wired differently and you have a personality disorder. A counsellor or therapist can listen to you and will not judge you like people in the church will. What they will do is help you find tactics that help you relate better, so that you can finally start to make friends and stop feeling so lonely. If you are on a low budget google ‘low cost counselling’ along with your post code and see what comes up. Good luck!
This article is so well written and has a lot of information and tells me that I didn’t have enough boundaries when I was friends with this guy Dominic he didn’t respect my wishes to not hear about his girlfriend as it wasn’t really appropriate to talk about that with a friend he has his family for that and she was usually there when I talked to him he was kinda disrespectful he chalked it up to him growing up but really he may have just been being a bad friend even if he was in a serious relationship needless to say I ended the friendship and he’s still not respecting my boundaries he’s listening in on my conversation with my boyfriend and my friends and family and he almost had his girlfriend talk to me when I was just leaving my house to go on a run when I ended the friendship he was fighting it tooth and nail but I still did what I had to I’m probably going to tell his parents about what he’s been up to
Lauren it sounds like you have found the solution that feels right for you. Good luck!
Every time I would try to set the boundaries he would always use the excuse that I wasn’t being supportive but I didn’t feel comfortable supporting his relationship as I kinda thought he was wrong even when I tried to end the friendship a month ago he tried to stop me it was shocking I still feel scared to talk to him because of how hostile he got in the past and I’m kinda scared of him as well because he got so angry and I strongly believe that setting boundaries might include crossing someone else’s boundaries which is what I did because his girlfriend overstepped her boundaries when we were friends which is what made me end the friendship yes it has been the right solution even though I’ve still got a ton of anxiety and I understood now that he’s just got a little bit of growing up to do
Hi Lauren, there seems to be some obsessive thinking patterns here. We are not sure if perhaps there is more to the story between you and him? If perhaps you harboured feelings with him? If you find you can’t stop thinking about him and it’s causing you anxiety then do consider seeking some support. A counsellor or therapist could help you with the anxiety and also help you spot any patterns in your relationships with others that see you always ending up dealing with drama.
No there’s no romantic feelings just hurt feelings and feelings of resentment and anger because he wasn’t there for me during hard times well not in person but twice he does have a jealous controlling girlfriend which is why I ended the friendship I’m under a doctors care for anxiety but I’m still very stressed out because it’s still happening again he’s my neighbor and he’s home sometimes he listened in on a phone conversation I was having with my friend and my brother too three times and his girlfriend it seems is stalking me he just doesn’t understand the friendship is over or he’s unwilling to accept it
Hi Lauren, anxiety can cause us to fixate on things and only see the worse possible things. Anxiety also makes our mind exaggerate danger. Do talk this over with your therapist as it sounds like this situation has become what your anxiety is fixating on. It might actually be something else entirely that you are upset about in life. When we suffer from anxiety, our mind can use another situation to obsess on so that we can avoid facing up to what is really upsetting us. A therapist can help you focus on identifying what is upsetting you and working through it safely.
I would talk to a therapist but I’m having trouble finding one that’s why I came here for help I’m sure I know what’s causing this anxiety it’s because my dad died five years ago and I’ve had to rely on myself and my friends and family the thing that upset me about this thing is Dominic lives on the same street as I do and not more then two times has he helped me in real life I’ve also got health issues which may be causing anxiety my friends all tell me I’m doing the right thing for me other then what I’ve just told you I’m not really sure what else it could be that’s causing it it’s gotten better then it was as a child I haven’t thrown up because of the anxiety because I started doing self care like exercising and eating right but it refuses to go away completely
Hi Lauren, you sound extremely stressed. We thought you said in another of your comments you already had a therapist. Sorry for the misunderstanding. We’d highly suggest you reach out for some support. There are many articles on here on how to find a therapist, or you can use our new online booking site which makes it easy you just answer the questions and click the buttons http://www.harleytherapy.com. You don’t even need to leave your house, we provide therapy over online.
I enjoyed this article, thank you. i have only recently wondered why i find myself constantly around and in relationships with people who project and i take on, or host their projections. i kept thinking i needed to find and only be around people who could ‘own’ their emotions – i realised recently i need to have boundaries – as i think i have been drawing out or encouraging projections. Now figuring out how to implement them. thank you.
Hi Kevin, glad it helped. A good place to begin is to focus on owning all your own emotions first. Often if we take on the emotions of everyone else we are out of touch with our own or even with who we really are. After spending so much of our life pleasing others it can also take time to solidify our own identity and know what boundaries work for us. And try to go easy on yourself if at first it’s not always a success – learning to set boundaries is a process. Good luck!
I just thought I would give you a quick update on how things are going here the first few weeks after the friendship breakup with Dominic I was still reeling from it I’ve got to admit things have calmed down I’ve learned to not talk to him every time I see him and I can even run or walk past his house without wanting to go knock on the door to talk to him the anxiety has become more in check because I know I did the right thing ending the friendship with him I know I can’t go back still because of how horrible he treated me he just wasn’t the kind of friend I need he might never be and I’m okay with that he has his needs in a friendship and I’ve got mine and unfortunately they didn’t match anymore because I didn’t feel like a priority but I’ve got some wonderful friends and I’ve even got a wonderful new friend named Craig he’s such a good guy he’s funny too so it had a sad beginning and a happy ending plus my friendship with my friend Kendra is stronger than ever now and Kourtney is also wonderful too
We are very glad to hear you have support! You deserve it.
Great article, I am currently studying counselling and we are at the stage of practising setting boundaries from a counsellor’s prospective and kept finding it very hard to even role play this aspect. This got me thinking about my own boundaries and questioning if I had healthy boundaries. After looking at some of the signs,definitely guilty of the people pleaser and saying no. However the more I talk to people mostly older, always seem to say eventually you’ll reach a point that you will start to not care about what people think and just do what you want to do, which I am starting to realise I do which is great. I also have noticed that by saying no to things or even just leaving at a reasonable time, I’m honest and say I just need to have some “me time” I haven’t felt awkward but instead started to see my friends to realise I need me time and have then started to say “oh do you need me time?” which I’m glad I am happy about. I think I am on a path to setting boundaries and feeling comfortable stating what I have said above, however how will I feel setting boundaries to strangers in a counselling session? I don’t know. When in class I started to try and give an example of how I would tell a client “i won’t hug you” in a firm, clear yet friendly manner and went down the route of ” I will respect your space so i won’t intervene which includes hugging… etc etc” but then my teacher sort of said, you went on that much which makes me think your anxious about saying it. She was right as it’s not my personality to say that but equally I think it’s incredibly important to set that boundary to maintain the professionalism. I don’t know.. is it NECESSARY to be that way or not? and should the boundaries I start to develop in my personal life be moulded slightly differently when it comes to counselling?
Hi Leni, are boundaries necessary or not? It’s a good question. In a professional context, we would say yes, absolutely. Setting boundaries with clients creates a far safer space for clients to work within. They do not have to worry about what will and won’t be done/said as it’s clear where the boundaries are. And they then also know what behaviour is expected of them. This means they can relax and get down to the actual work that therapy is. And boundaries protect you, too. Even legally, in the rare instance a client accuses a therapist of things that have not happened. As for your personal life, there are no rules as to how someone should or should not live. There is research that suggests some ways of acting tend to lead to certain things or not, yes. But your life is your life. Where you do and don’t set boundaries is entirely up to you. That said, if you do choose to actually work as a therapist after your training, it’s a job that requires a lot of a person. We need to be rested and present to do a good job (sadly not all therapists do do a good job, but that’s another story). If we don’t set good boundaries in our personal life we can fall into the trap of over giving, meaning we are tired all the time with little focus. Maybe fine if your job is in an office filling out paperwork all day, but less useful if you are actively engaging in personal one on one meetings all day. Something to think about.
Hi my name is Sharon I have been dealing with a lot of unhealthy boundaries concern where I live. My neighbors have placed camera/wire my home so they can keep an eye on me to protect there person who is insecure. I have been followed everywhere I go and I cannot even shop without someone looking at me so hard until I just gave in on this whole situation. Also this is my last semester of school I have to keep my mother who has dementia as well as I have to keep my niece/nephew everyday . The only pace that I have was my closet that I turn into my office but since my neighbors was so nosy they have put camera inside the closet and tablets. So I feel as though I am in the box and being trapped in my own home. This is crazy to me I cannot talk to anyone about this situation that I am placed in. I fighting to get out I will say that I have been watching Lisa Nichols that has help me a lot but lately I been feeling like giving up and just move! I cant even do that because I dont work because I take care of my mother full time. Just by me typing this information start to make me feel better! God bless anyone who reads this because I need help….
Hi Sharon, that sounds tremendously difficult, all the stress you are under. That is a lot of responsibility for one person. Did you know that when we are under huge amounts of stress we can start to have paranoia? It’s as if the mind can’t cope any more with all the stress. Is there anyone for you to talk to? We don’t know where you live. If you were in the UK we’d suggest some numbers you could call to talk to people for free. If you are in America, we’d suggest you do a google search. You can google ‘mental health help line’ along with the name of your city. Or google ‘good samaritans’ along with your city. They always have free help lines you can call with really nice people who are good at listening.
This is a great article! I left a narcissistic relationship and I think he targeted me because of my lack of boundaries. He knew how loose they were and took full advantage.
He’s my ex, but I still have to deal with him daily and since I have been working on my boundaries, he has not had control of me for years. Every now and then he tries to see if they are weak again to see what he can get away with.
Last week we were disagreeing on something about our child and he hung up in my face. He did that a lot when we were together and it always made me feel unimportant and unheard. I would try to call back to finish my statement and he would send me to voicemail and ignore my texts and it would make me feel completely powerless. Then he would come home and pretend like it never happened.
Well this time he hung up on me and I kept living my life. Then he called me back later and I did not answer. It went on for 3 days until he finally came over and asked why I had pulled away. I told him I don’t spend time with people who hang up in my face. I only entertain relationships with people who value me.
He tried to defend his actions and I politely sent him on his way and closed the door. No need for discussion and hearing his lies. I felt empowered and realized that I finally learned how to set good boundaries.
I wish I had been strong enough to do that when he was abusing me in the relationship. But better late than never.
Great boundary setting Hannah, and yes, better late than never!
I am almost in tears reading this. I am reading your article all the way from Nigeria, and it’s as though you told my whole life. I have secretly felt lost for so long, afraid to do things for me because I didn’t want others to feel bad, the list goes on and on.
This is definitely a light bulb moment, Now I know what the problem is, and I think I might know where it started. As a child, my mom was obsessed with her kids being on good terms always, she never wanted us to fight or disagree because she hated her relationship with her siblings, and didn’t want that for her kids. Looking back now, I see how she may have over done it and caused another harm.
We were all close in age so often times she bought clothes for us together, we shared everything! Except for special occasions like Christmas where she bought clothes for each of us, We basically shared everything, from clothes, to room, to bed, to plate, she made us eat from the same plate for the most part of our childhood, my dad didn’t let us lock our room door, any and everyone could walk in when they see fit, we hardly had any privacy or “me time”. To think that I’ve thought all this made us close as siblings and as a family, all these years. Now I see how that has been detrimental. This and a number of other things I experienced growing up.
Now I know I have never had boundaries, it’s exactly a month to my 27th birthday and I am just starting to discover myself. I’m not sure how to take it from here but I do know I urgently need a solution.
Thank you so much for taking out time to do this.
God bless you.
Jennifer we are thrilled to hear the article has been a lightbulb moment for you. It sounds like your mother tried really hard to be a good mother but unfortunately there simply were not manuals on how to do so. Always being on good terms means children are taught to suppress their real selves and end up creating a false, pleasing self. They get so good at it they forget about their real self entirely. And grow up into adults who gain a sense of self from pleasing – but at a cost. That cost being a strong sense of self and any boundaries. 27 is a great age to realise this. 27-30 is the age many women have big revelations or start therapy and self development. Try not to feel too urgent, remember life and personal growth are a journey, it’s okay to take it one step at a time and go easy on yourself.
I am a real awkward situation and I really don’t know how to set a boundary for myself here. Or take control back. My long distance boyfriend told me about six months ago he is going to email me twice a day because that is all he could spare with his busy work. It is seasonal work and he makes most of his money in that time frame. He said “I thought two emails is better than nothing”. I understood that but didn’t accept it. The emails were about three words and always a couple of kisses. He always puts kisses on every email, so should I be thankful or is he very good at controlling me and getting me to do exactly what he wants all the time? Inside me feels like it is psychological abuse, stonewalling, gaslighting, etc. He would message things like “another crap day” or “off to work now” or “absolutely shattered, going to bed, hope your day was better”. I would respond, but get nothing back… cos he’s asleep or just not answering. This has gone on over and over and now I am affected to the point, I can’t get on with my days and do my chores some days. I pulled him up on it a couple of months ago and said I couldn’t do two scrappy emails a day full of nothing and so he reduced it to one more meaningful email everyday. But it still wasn’t all of his news, just what he was doing at work and the weather. It isn’t at the same time each day, so I never know when it will come through, so guess what, I check my phone over and over. The way it feels for me is as soon as I read that one paragraph, there’s nothing for another 24-28 hours. Nothing. So he may as well not write to me – right??? I have told him how it is affecting me and that I can not do one email a day and gave up the other day. He didn’t let me give up, he emailed me. I took hours before I responded and kept it brief, but not moody. But what I do now is I leave it up to him to contact me and in a way make him chase. But he’s not chasing, he is in control. Sometimes I get nothing for 48 hours and I have checked and checked my phone over and over til I throw it. I think he is waiting for me to email and I don’t, so he makes me wait another 24 hours which is gruelling when you are so in love with someone. He went away for a weekend and didn’t email me. When he did and told me I said “you didn’t tell me you were going away for the weekend.” He said “I am telling you now.” How rude. I felt like one of “those” girlfriends keeping tabs on him and I wasn’t. This was a day after Valentines – he emailed me once on V Day and then nothing for two more days. I am so shocked he didn’t tell me he was going away and send me photos and I am sure he wanted me to feel this. He said he went with his mother and I do believe it because of some of the detail, but now I am questioning it. We have had this type of friendship/relationship all our lives, so I know it sounds a bit odd. We have met up a couple of times recently which has been fantastic – no sex, but we have had sexy emails along the way and we are lovers. It turned bad for me on Valentine’s Day when I sent him a card and the hottest love letter he will ever receive in his life. We have known eachother all our lives, so I know I haven’t put him off with it. To not acknowledge that letter has me dumbfounded. I sent him a couple of other things and he never acknowledged them and he hasn’t done this all these years, so when we met up a month ago I asked and he said “oh yes I did thank you.” Um so why not say you did. I don’t want a thank you, I give without attachment, but to send your lover something, hello – isn’t this just good manners! I just want acknowledgement. So I have asked again today and if I don’t get a response he won’t hear from me again, but I am sitting here crying today and I’m not much of a crier. I can’t get on with my days. Am I being co dependent or do I have a valid point for being ticked off here. I can’t see who could possibly be so busy they can’t email you first thing in the morning and at night before you go to bed and when you wake. Surely. And the odd couple of texts during the day. Surely I am not being unreasonable. Even Presidents text more than this and they are running a country. I respect his busy work and type of work – you can’t text/email and drive, but we all stop for lunch, take a pee, go home, make dinner, go to bed. Wouldn’t you want to message your loved one before you go to sleep and when you wake? Maybe not if there is someone else beside them and I have thought that too, but he assures me no….. I just want to know how to ride this out and be in control. Maybe I do have to step away and say “you clearly don’t have time for me these days and it is really affecting my equilibrium, so I am going to disappear for a while and if things free up for you, get in touch.” That to me is an ultimatum I’m not sure if I am prepared to put out there. But one email is like no email, so what have I got to lose? I just hope this helps others as there are people out there being controlled by someone else’s demands/requests e.g. this is how we are going to play this and you are my puppet on a string.
Hi Cassie, we are sorry if our feedback is going to be hard to hear, but we think in the long run it will be helpful. We do understand how much you are hurting, and how much you want to feel loved. And we are sorry you are going through all this. Note how long your comment is (one of the longest we’ve ever received) how detailed, how you repeat similar things again and again. You are in an addictive and obsessive pattern. And in fact, sorry again if this is hard to hear, you are the one trying to control more than him (read our article on different ways of controlling here http://bit.ly/controlrel). You want certain things done a certain way to ‘prove’ what you call ‘love’. You have rules of what is acceptable and what isn’t and you are using guilt to control. We are not seeing a loving relationship here we are actually seeking an addictive way for you to emotionally self-harm. It is pretty clear he is not that interested, although he cares about you enough to not want to hurt you. He is not being abusive. He is setting strong boundaries to keep his space. He is perhaps being weak, and not telling you truths, and we are not claiming he is free of blame, not at all. But again, if you have been friends a long time, he might be scared of upsetting you, and you’ve created a pretty volatile environment that would not encourage someone to feel safe to communicate difficult truths. We’d suggest you get some support to look at what experiences in your life taught you this was love, and that you have to beg and control for attention and love. You deserve more, but you have to decide that for yourself. We’d suggest you do some research also on what love actually is and what a healthy relationship looks like. http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide And maybe learn about emotional intensity http://bit.ly/emointense. Again, you deserve to be loved, but you have to start with yourself, with healing deep unresolved issues that keep you relating in unhealthy ways, and with raising your self-esteem to the point that you get don’t addictively seek verification from others as you give it to yourself.
So I was writing my Uni assignments and wanted to copy one of my tutor feedback and accidentaly I have opened it in a new tap and this website pop out. I read it and WOW! It is exactly me! Once I finish with the assignment I will come back here. Thank you. Well written !
My tutor feedback was: ‘Thinking about others is a great quality to have as long as you have boundaries and look after yourself too’.
Glad it is helpful! Sounds a good tutor and class.
Hi, great article. I have very loose boundaries, almost nonexistent. I have been in repeatedly abusive relationships (10 days out-headbutted me). Sad. I think though (and this is common) that rather than focusing on ‘why did he do that’ in terms of the abuse it’s much more empowering to consider ‘why did I do that’ ie why do I end up with abusive men etc.
Change for anyone is hard but what a positive thing to focus on/work towards for me.
I need to take some responsibility and stop being on the ebb and flow of others actions/needs/wants/anger. A victim.
I will read some of your other articles and I do think I would definitely benefit from some therapy/counselling to guide me in this journey. I spend a ton of money on rubbish, I think it’s about time I invested in ME.
Thanks again.
Sarah, these are fantastic realisations. And we think finding a therapist you feel you can grow to trust and taking a look at these patterns will show you real results as you are really ready to move forward.
Can someone help me because I think I’m going crazy. My brother wanted to go to London on Saturday but was unsure of his plans. My friend had called and asked me to go to dinner Saturday night. Friday I realized he had not made a decision so I text her to say it’s unlikely I can make it, so make other plans. As soon as I had mentioned going for dinner I could see it had triggered him off with thoughts like ‘what about me?’ ‘Your so unsupportive..’ ‘you are trying to put me off going to London because you have a better offer’ etc. I just wanted to see my friend to have a girls talk & get some things off my chest without him there.
It ended in a big fight and him saying I’m unsupportive, sabotaged his trip to London & I don’t care about him & told him he was uninvited. What do I do? How do I make him see that’s not the case? Sometimes I need time alone & a separate life. I am stonewalling because his anger makes my anxiety 100
Hi Sarah, neither of you are crazy. You are just triggering each other, and it’s probably based on long held communication patterns from childhood. You feel over responsible and guilty when you didn’t mean to do anything hurtful, perhaps he wanted clearer communication. But when fights are this big it’s not really about the present issue but based on years and years of issues. Sounds like you both could benefit from counselling. Is it something either of you have considered? If you are on a low budget there is free to low cost counselling available in the UK, here’s our article on how to find it http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Best, HT.
Yes I will consider signing up. How do you approach someone to reconcile when they are so angry? This drives my anxiety to the maximum.
Sarah, you can actually work on communication skills in therapy. It’s very helpful for things like this. The way you and your brother communicate isn’t something you can fix in a day, it will come from your family’s issues with communication. And you can’t change him or his way of reacting, that is up to him, you can only work on your side. But it begins with learning good listening skills and good communication skills. We have several articles on both that would be a great start, full of useful tips, use the search bar to find them. We’d also suggest that you work on your thinking. Also look for our article on ‘balanced thinking’. Anxiety and communication styles arise from our thinking. Finally, mindfulness is shown by research to help with anxiety, but it does require a daily committment, here is our guide to doing it, it can be learned in an hour or less. http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. Really do consider that counselling. We have the luck to live in a country where free to low cost therapy is available, many other countries don’t have this option. Best, HT.
It took a homeless woman to make me realize I have a problem. She asked for a dollar and I proceeded to give her a rundown of why I wasn’t carrying money and what would of happened if I did. She quipped “ I didn’t ask for your life story, just a dollar.” I was offended at first but then it sunk in so much so that I researched this article. I am 100% aligned with every one of the categories. Acknowledging it I guess is the first step. I suppose going forward my issue my be where I draw the line between having respectful personal boundaries or feeling selfish. I have no idea where to draw the line. Not sure I could ever be selfish but I need to at least gain a little control of who I am and what’s good for me not everyone else. I am exhausted. There is not enough hours in the day to please the world and also find a few seconds for myself.
Hi there Angelo, we aren’t sure that this example would necessarily mean lack of boundaries (although obviously identifying with article would). As you didn’t share in this instance to please the homeless woman, if you see what we mean, but to please yourself. When people ask us for something for free it can easily trigger us if we are in a bad mood, are having a hard time ourselves, etc. We can lash out our stress and anger on the other person, which is a different issue than lacking boundaries. So yes there might be an issue with pleasing others but maybe also with repressed emotions and emotional control and projection? If the situation wasn’t driven by stress and anger and was just a lot of calm oversharing, then you might want to read our article on oversharing here. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/oversharing-syndrome.htm. If you never know where the boundary is between what you should and shouldn’t say in social situations, and if socialising is always really confusing for you, then you might also want to read our article on Asperger’s (we aren’t saying that is you, you have given us little info, but just on off chance or in case that helps someone else reading this response we’ll add that in). Best, HT.
Hi there I had been mirroring myself on almost everything I read here. I’ve realized that I had been living a lie, trying to be something I’m not, pleasing everyone at my own expense. I also acknowledge the damage I caused to my son and my siblings by taking out all the frustration on them.
I am not sure if I’ll manage with the kind of work I’m doing, engaging with type of learners who are bringing the worst out of me and them being the victim of what I am going through . Everyday I come home drained, if it wasn’t for I’m a breadwinner, I would resign today. I’ll try and practice the steps and I hope I’ll comment positively next time but I am happy that at least you helped with self awareness.
Much appreciated
This is all very true
I was sexually abused as a child
I then went on to have 2 abusive relationships
First one was an alcoholic and second one in recovery , my oldest son now 13 , and I don’t know how to enforce boundaries , his behaviour is very manipulative to . Its scares me
I know I am co-dependent and it horrifies me tbh
How does someone learn boundaries at the age of 45 ? When they weren’t shown as a child ? Now I can see my son not having boundaries with other people – it’s a learned behaviour – and it’s upsetting me
Even my emotions have no boundaries , my anger ; my love and even the food I stick in my mouth !