Honesty, Criticism, or Verbal Abuse? The Crucial Difference You Need to Know
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 7, 2023
by Andrea M. Darcy
“I’m just being honest”.
“It’s not criticism, you’re just too sensitive”.
“But you asked for my opinion, you can’t blame me if you don’t like it”.
Feedback can be confusing, especially if it comes from those we depend on or love.
When is feedback useful, when is criticism worrisome, and when is it abuse and time to walk away?
Honesty vs Criticism vs Verbal Abuse
Criticism is when we point out another’s perceived flaws and mistakes. Technically, using this definition, ‘honesty’ and verbal abuse are also forms of criticism. But there are important differences.
Honesty.
Honesty can be held up as a holy grail, ‘the truth’ that trumps everything else.
But while there are factual ‘truths’ in life, like what time someone arrived somewhere, what you ate for dinner, etcetera? Feedback tends to be more of a perspective – one person’s way of seeing things. So ‘being honest’ is actually just giving an opinion.
For example, “you get angrily too easy” is actually a perspective. From your viewpoint, someone is raising their voice is anger. For the other person, who grew up in a passionate large family where everyone spoke loudly to get his or her point across, he or she might feel they were just being excited or passionate, not ‘angry’.
Summary: For the most part, ‘honesty’, when it is negative, tends to really just be criticism in disguise.
Criticism.
By: miguelb
Again, feedback is considered criticism if we are pointing out what we perceive is wrong with someone. Criticism is not ‘the only truth’ as it is one person’s viewpoint.
Criticism is generally meant to help someone improve. But if given incorrectly it comes across as ‘I’m right about this and you are therefore wrong”. This leaves the other person feeling judged and cornered.
Constructive criticism, however, is more useful. It is when someone makes sure they understand all sides of the situation before offering an informed opinion. As they offer their viewpoint they clarify the positives as well as the negatives and make it clear they are only offering their own take on things. This allows the receiver of the feedback to see ways forward, and to feel supported over judged.
Summary: Criticism can be useful if presented in a fair way, although most of us tend to forget this and present it a way that comes across as judgement. So criticism can be hurtful, despite the fact that we are trying to improve a situation or help the other person.
[Is your partner really critical, or has your childhood taught you to encourage criticism? It’s an interesting question – read more in our article on “How You Mistakenly Encourage Criticism in Your Relationships“.]
Verbal Abuse.
Verbal abuse, also referred to as ’emotional abuse’, could technically be called criticism, as the person is pointing out negatives.
The difference here is that a person who verbally abuses another has no intention of seeing the positive side, considering the other’s viewpoint, or helping them improve.
They have the intention, admitted or not, of hurting and controlling the person they offer their ‘feedback’ to.
Verbal also abuse tends to criticise you as a person, not just what you did and the consequences of the action.
Summary: Like all forms of abuse, verbal abuse is actually a way to take power over another by belittling or hurting them.
[Not sure what emotional abuse sounds like? Read our article on “Common Emotionally Abusive Phrases“.]
Criticism vs Verbal Abuse
By: Paul Cross
Here are some other crucial things to recognise about the difference between normal criticism and verbal abuse.
Criticism offers an opinion vs. verbal abuse makes you completely wrong and presents itself as completely right.
Criticism can be thoughtless but has the intent of helping you improve vs. verbal abuse is always unkind and has the intent of hurting and belittling you.
Healthy criticism happens only occasionally in a relationship, vs. verbal abuse can be formed of constant criticism on a daily basis that leaves you exhausted.
Criticism will be about what you have done, or the consequences of something you have done vs. verbal abuse will often criticise you as a person.
Criticism can leave you feeling judged vs. verbal abuse will leave you feeling fearful.
Criticism can leave you annoyed at the other vs. verbal abuse will leave you walking on eggshells around the other.
Criticism is often something someone later apologises for vs. verbal abuse is something someone denies or blames you for causing.
An example of the difference between honesty, criticism, and verbal abuse
“Honestly, I feel you should have booked the restaurant.” This is an example of ‘honesty‘ which is actually criticism. The unsaid thing here is ‘I feel you should be more organised’.
“You need to be more organised or we’ll continue to have evenings that go wrong like this.” This is criticism, pointing out the negative. It’s not attacking you as a person, just your actions and the consequences.
“I know you are really busy and that makes being organised hard, but it was important we had a reservation. What could help you be more organised in the future?” This is constructive criticism. It acknowledges both sides of the story, and offers possibilities.
“You should have booked the restaurant. You ruined my night by being so utterly unorganised, what is wrong with you?” This is verbal abuse. It attacks you as a person, it blames, and it comes across as the only right perspective, making you ‘wrong’.
If my partner is verbally abusive can I fix this situation?
Being able to see you are suffering verbal abuse and not just criticism is important because whereas an environment of criticism can often be something two partners can work to improve, abuse tends to be a dead end.
No matter how much you think you love your partner, unless he or she deeply wants to change and seeks help, it’s unlikely that the relationship can improve.
Even if you are sure your partner does not mean to hurt you, it’s not a situation you can change yourself. Their impulse to lash out at those who try to love them will come from situations in their childhood where perhaps they themselves were belittled or hurt.
The only person you can take care of and change here is yourself.
I worry I am the victim of emotional abuse. What do I do?
Reach out for support. A friend or family member you trust is a good start.
But do consider the unbiased help of a professional. A counsellor or psychotherapist can help you gain your confidence again, as well as help you find the root of what led you to be attracted to an abusive relationship to ensure you do not choose another one in the future.
Harley Therapy puts you in touch with counsellors and psychotherapists who can help you if you are experiencing verbal abuse. Not in London? We can connect you with therapists wherever you are via online counselling.
Andrea M. Darcy is a health and wellbeing writer as well as mentor, trained in person-centred counselling and coaching. She often writes about trauma, relationships, and ADHD. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
I frequently feel criticized by my wife and have before equated it with abuse. Last night was an example.
We are renovating our house, living in the spare bedroom, and my wife has a small set of stairs so that the dog can get up on the bed. These are between the closet and the bed. I brushed my teeth and realized that she had turned the light off in the bedroom. I left the light on in the bathroom and started to walk into the room. As I approached the closet, she told me “don’t trip on the stairs” right as I kicked the dogs stairs. I was hanging up my clothes when she said the following:
“Bill you are a clutz, you don’t walk where you are going. You walk hard (loudly) in the house. You swagger and swing your arms when you walk and knock things off. You probably would be a horrible dancer”. I told her “that’s probably enough, I’ve got the message”.
Her: “Are you going to leave the light on in the bathroom and get in bed?”
Me: “That would be pretty stupid”
Her: “well you always leave the bathroom door open and remember it late”
Her: “Do you have your mouthguard?” something I frequently do remember after I get in bed.
Me: MMMMyeah mumbled through the mouthguard
I climbed in bed. stewed for a minute and then told her. “you know if you had just called me a clutz and let it go, I would have been okay, but you just kept going and had to expound on it. It is belittling”
Her: “Was it the truth?”
Me: “It was your truth”
Her: “Im the same, its the truth, its how I am… I speak the truth, its your issue if you took it personally.”
She started to go on about it again and I asked her if that was really how she would speak to a friend, she affirmed that it was. I told her, “It didn’t need to be said”
Is it criticism or is it abuse? Am I being to sensitive? It really struck me that when I tried to tell her how what and how she had said had affected me she didn’t seem to feel any remorse at all. A simple apology was what I wanted
It’s an interesting scenario, thank you so much for taking the time to type it all out and share it! It sounds like this scenario, or a version of it, has been going on a long time, and that possibly the stress of the reno is pushing it all to a head? And it feels somehow that this is about bigger issues than whether or not she criticises you. Is that at all possible? Other questions that come to mind here are, what is it I need from this relationship that I no longer feel I am getting? Is it really, after all, just a ‘simple apology’ or is it something bigger? How do I feel in this relationship lately? How would I like to feel instead? What is working for me in this relationship? What is no longer working for me? And when/how did that happen? What could we do to communicate better here? What is it I really wish I could share with my wife that I feel scared to admit? Of course these are all things that would come out in couple therapy, should it be of interest. Now back to criticism/ not criticism. The horrible dancer thing, not so nice. But without being there, without knowing the two of you, the limits you have between you, your historical shared sense of humour (or lack of)…. it’s hard to make a judgement. What is clear is that you are both stressed and being kind and considerate might have fallen by the wayside. And yet you are still together, so there is maybe something good there still somehow, maybe that is worth saving.
How about being in a place with someone you just meet, who says something uncalled for upon hearing a person’s name, and tries to pass it out as a joke.
For example, a friend A, that you do not know very well, made you meet a friend of his (B), who introduces you to friend C, which knows A and B.
Upon hearing that friend A made you and B meet, friend C replies that person A has low morals, while the subject never was about this in the first place. Friend B has to say that it was a joke because Friend C does not reply but solely smiles while looking at you.
Could that be considered verbal abuse?
Hi SL, no. That is not verbal abuse, not at all. Someone stating their opinion on someone else is not verbal abuse. They are free to have their own opinion. If you don’t like these people you are hanging around with, and you don’t share values with them, why are hanging around with them? You have the power to walk away. To be honest, it also sounds like a lot of overthinking, so if you have any other signs of anxiety or ruminating, where you obsessively overthink small situations into something big, worth seeing a counsellor, who could also help you learn ways to choose friends you feel good around. Good luck!
In this article, it says that ‘you can only change yourself’. Can you explain what ‘changing yourself’ looks like in a critical and verbally abusive scenario? What is the ‘change’ required of the person on the receiving end (examples will be helpful)? How does one go about this ‘change’?
First of all, note that we say ‘you can only change yourself’ in the context of, you cannot change the other person. If we are addicted to abusive relationships we might also suffer codependency, where we lose sight of ourselves in our efforts to ‘help’ and ‘save’ others. So the point of that phrase, when read in context, is to say, this is not possible. You are not going to change that abusive person and make them a ‘good’ person. Changing yourself means, for example, doing whatever it takes to raise your self esteem enough to leave an abusive relationship. Reaching out to people you trust, seeking counselling, these are great steps towards change, and often necessary if we are in abusive relationships, which are hard to leave without support.
So, to clarify, the objective is always to leave the relationship/situation?
LH, we are not here to tell anyone what to do or not do in life. No good therapist does that. A therapist listens and helps a client make their own choices. You are a free person. We don’t know you or if the situation is/ isn’t abusive. And we don’t know you. In general people want to leave an abusive situation. But there are no rules in life. If someone wants to suffer, that’s their choice in the end. Is there a reason you are paraphrasing and manipulate some kind of answer out of us here? It feels less that you are doing it for a personal reason but more as some odd kind of baiting. We are here to actually help people, that’s it. If you are a journalist wanting a quote then please file a request. Good luck.
Hi, I’ve found your article very interesting. I’ve been searching for answers to how to handle my relationship. My partner for the first 10 years or so was wonderful. We have now been together for 30 years. Over the last 5 to 10 years I have found my partner to be more and more difficult to live with. his behaviour In The last couple of months is showing some signs of physical aggression which scares me. Usually it’s just verbal but now I see his frustration and anger increasing. The reason for his behaviour is always he considers, my fault. I’m constantly, almost daily told that I create it. I make him angry. I’m told he understands why my previous partner was physically abusive, I must have made him that way. If we have a disagreement about anything, big or small, my partner becomes personal. It’s always about my faults, I am told how I am, it can be anything from showing no respect, not empathetic, too loud, too busy, fake with other people, flirting…. this particular claim by him is so hurtful…. he can say all of this in one argument and often does, ad it can be much more. He has many rules to what i can do in the house, I’m not allowed any music, or sound coming from any device., so I must wear head phones if I watch a movie, or anything else. ….if I do, even for a couple of seconds, I get told that I do not respect his space, and it’s his house too. He will get angry if he thinksI i havent rinsed the dishes correctly, and I’m told I’m un hygienic , and he is not living in an unhygienic house, etc etc, I could list so many different scenarios. But the pattern is always the same, that he will get personal and verbalise all my character flaws Im at present isolated from family, my adult daughter lives in another country and because of Covid I’m not able to travel. which would give me a break from my situation . I’ve started writing a sort of diary about my relationship, to try and help me cope, I find myself questioning as to whether maybe I’m not a good person, maybe I can do this better, or change this or that. I’m 70 years old next month, and I’m sad that at this chapter Of My life I am having to deal with constant criticism….. I fear losing my home which I love…. please can you help me understand or how I can make things better,
Hi Jillian, a physical examination could rule out dementia or what’s called ‘male menopause’, a sharp change in hormones some men experience at a certain age. Both these things can cause sudden changes in personality including anger, obsessive behaviours, aggression. Otherwise, he might be depressed. Of course what is or isn’t wrong with him isn’t the real issue. And he might not be interested in knowing. What’s important is what you are going to do now to feel safer, and better in yourself and in your life. If it is a medical problem, are you still in love with this man? Do you want to stay if things became better? Or do you want to leave? It is overwhelming to consider leaving a situation we are so used to, our mind can go into fear mode and block us from seeing the options we do have. We would highly suggest you seek support in the form of counselling, which can be done over the internet, assuming you can get any time to yourself given the pandemic. This will help you have a safe space to consider how you feel and what you want. Regarding losing your home, that’s a real worry, but instead of just letting it cause sleepless nights get facts. You should have a fair amount of rights. Talk to a lawyer, or if you can’t afford that contact a family charity or legal aid of some sort (we aren’t sure what country you are in, but both the UK and USA have legal aid of some sort if you search for it). If you are in the UK, you can get access to free counselling via your GP, or call your local MIND chapter to see what sort of associations they can put you in touch with or how they can help. The aggression is a very big red flag. It’s important to get support over a way to get to safety should you need to. Again there are charities that can advise on this, do not be afraid to reach out. Make a plan as soon as possible and act on it if you feel you are in real danger, or call the police. Note that if you are in the UK, there is a helpline specifically for older adults, as well as many just for women needing advice. we have a list of helplines here. http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. We wish you courage. Again, it’s hard to have perspective when we have been in a situation for a long time, we accept things as ‘normal’, but you do not have to live with this. there is support out there and 70 does not at all imply there aren’t many years ahead and new beginnings if you want them. We have clients who have started new lives and relationships after 70. Best, HT.
Scenario
Let’s say you’re struggling in life. Your family does nothing to actually help you out but everytime you guys gather, they team up on you with unsolicited criticism. And it’s not just a passing thing. They keep it up for a long time as if they don’t know when to say when. They won’t hear things from your perspective because they think you’re lazy but when you get annoy and tell them to STFU, they get mad, attack you further and say that they’re trying to help you. Mind, the “criticism” isn’t just pointing out the mistake or what you’re slacking on. It always turn into a group grilling session when they pick at everything about you (the way you dress, the way you talk, what you’re into, the fact that you’re don’t have wife or have kids, etc) along with labels and stuff. It usually comes out of nowhere, mostly when you say something they don’t like (which is something they don’t think YOU should be saying, as if they have the right to dictate that) and it’s never asked for. Plus, you never do that to them (mostly because THEN it would be verbal abuse or they’ll allowed to be defensive when YOU aren’t.)
Now tell me. Is that healthy criticism or verbal abuse?
Hi Ali, sounds tough. This is the sort of thing it would be great to work through with a therapist, in a safe space, where someone can get your entire history and really get to know you. Family and family dynamics aren’t just something you can address in one comment, as they run very deep and are very complex. There also seems to be a lot more going on here than just what family members do/don’t say.So we’d advise gathering up your courage and reaching out for some support to work through this all. Best, HT.
Hello,
I’ve been living with my partner for the last 6 months, I’ve moved to his place where he’s lived by himself for 4 years.
I’ve learnt how to do the normal houseshores with him, and tried my best to comply with his habits, however I’ve received continuous criticism by him, which he claims to be just honesty. For example he critisizes me for not washing the dishes properly, using too much soap, asking me the amount of toilet paper I use, which he considered was too much, telling me to stop moving my legs continuously because it disturbes him and once he told me he had to put a certain sauce that made shit food taste good after I made him dinner. English is not my mother tongue and every now and then he corrects the way I speak telling me it is for helping me improve. The last thing he told me was that sometimes he thinks I’m very smart and others the total opposite, which made me feel really bad about myself. Whenever he does that I feel emotional and start crying because there’s no other way I can deal with the criticism, and he tells me I’m too sensitive and petty, that he’s only being honest. I don’t know what to do, is it me the problem? I never complain about nothing he does, it doesn’t matter to me and I don’t want to hurt his feelings, am I being too sensitive? We are from different cultures, I’m not used to being criticised this much, and he says we have to be honest with each other if we want to make it work, how can I stop being this sensitive?
Hi Nina, it sounds really tough. It also sounds like he was used to living alone so it might be a big change for him. The thing that worries us is that if you have made it clear that all his criticisms are upsetting for you and he’s not made an effort to change, that’s worrisome. Have you made it abundantly clear you are not comfortable being criticised and watched and monitored all the time and he needs to give you some room to be yourself? Have you clearly and calmly stated you do not want to be criticised and he needs to stop being so critical and let you do some things your way? Or not? Also, why are you in a situation where you are doing all the household chores? If he doesn’t like the way you wash the dishes why doesn’t he wash them himself? Or cook himself? What is this situation you have signed up for ? We would then want to know more details about the level of control he is taking over your life. Are you allowed to have friends and a social life outside of this relationship? Does he give you money, are you allowed to spend money freely? We really can’t get a handle on your situation based over just this comment, maybe it’s just a situation where a woman is sensitive by nature and a man isn’t used to having a woman around and has terrible social skills, and is way too critical as he was raised by critical parents. In this case he might not realise he is being horrible and you need to be really clear it’s unacceptable and that should make a difference. But just in case it’s more, and there are other things you are not sharing here we will link you to an article on coercive control https://bit.ly/coercivecontrolht Best, HT.
I met my wife 4 years ago and we have since had 3 children and she has 1 teenager from previous partner. We decided we wanted a family very early and so we waisted no time. Since the kiddies came along no matter what I did it was never enough or complety wrong, I work a full day came home she went to bed and I took over with chores, mainly dishes and bottles + night shift with babies. She did no night shift. I had to take on private work where I needed to fill in Sundays, I had to do this to provide because when there wasn’t enough salary left it was a major drama that she would have to pay and I never do etc. So the private work comes and I take it, she even helped me find it once so I commit to the extra work and next major problem is I don’t spend enough time with kids and she does all the parenting, I put time into kids and then the next big drama is I don’t want to spend anymore time with her so I’m constantly between a rock and a hard place. The latest dilemma is I lost my day job and have been forced to take work abroad which she agrees to and even told me to go do excellent work. I have been here 3 months and she says I’ve abandoned her and the kids. She openly hates my side of the family, I often told her that there isn’t a single bad negative word or phrase in the dictionary that wasn’t used on me, a small fight excalates to her throwing wedding ring into the night, breaking my things and telling me she wants a divorse. I feel isolated from my parents cause of the moods she sets and my brother with his kid too. When I do something like a hobby once or twice a month I’m made to feel selfish. Both me and my step daughter agree that we walk on eggshels and the entire family unit is geared up to deal on how she feels and what she wants to do on any any given day. I always apologise and she won’t. She always wants an apology and I actually just stopped doing that. I approach her with sympathy and motivate healing and change and tell her how I feel and just get bombed with 4 years of repeated crap. I must send good night and good morning texts and initiate all the communication simply cause she says its me that left. I’m at my limits and I don’t want divorse…she doesn’t want couples therapy …. what do I do?
So if we were to sum up in a sentence what you are saying, based only on the words you typed, it would read along lines of, ‘my wife is horrible and mean and unhinged and I’m just an innocent person who only does his best and she wants to leave and I want to stay’. We understand this is likely far from what you meant to say, but interesting to see how it comes across, and that you are writing from a state of panic. But when we are overwhelmed it can be very easy to make the other person a monster and ourselves the victim, but things (and people) are obviously not so simple. Because even if we are somehow with a terrible, unbearable monster, or someone who has serious mental health issues, we, as an adult with full personal power, decided to create a relationship with them, and are deciding to stay in it, we are the one who decides to set boundaries or not set them. And we have to say, now what is that about. Because the only power we ever have in any relationship is with ourselves. It is never with the other person. We can spend all our time looking at every single thing they do wrong and all the things that make them a terrible person but the only things we can change come from us. Who we are, the choices we make, how we respond to any give situation. It’s like a dance. We can’t make anyone else’s feet move differently. We can only change our own steps, and then the other person by default must now find new places to put their feet, or stop dancing. Now of course in this situation there is a lot going on. 3 kids in 4 years is quite the choice to have made, that is a stressful experience for anyone. You had kids before there was even time to get to know each other, before the romance phase was even over, it sounds, and now here you are. And we don’t know her, we are getting a very limited perspective here, but yes, sure, she does seem to have some serious issues and be a wounded person, we’d hazard a guess there was trauma in her past based on what you’ve said. But again, you chose this relationship, so you would have matching ones, the plug to the socket. You say she won’t go to therapy. What about going to individual therapy yourself? At the very least it could create a non biased and safe space to unload when you are overwhelmed. But it can also help you look at the boundaries you are and aren’t setting, what is keeping you in this relationship, and perhaps how this relationship connects back to patterns of relating in your childhood, what you think love is and isn’t, and what you want to do next. We would note that drama that creates endless pain is highly addictive and sometimes without even realising it we are helping create it to feed our addiction (by, say, not setting clear boundaries). Often we are drawn to this sort of dynamic, we unconsciously choose a difficult relationship, or one that endlessly causes us pain, because of what we learned about love and relating in our childhood. So, ‘what do I do’, is up to you. There is no ‘right’ answer. This is your life. But a good therapist can help you decide what that answer will be for you, personally. And the best way to encourage someone else into therapy is to lead by example. If at heart this is a good relationship and you have both lost your heads due to the stress of having so many kids so quickly, and you are just unable to speak about the good bits at this time (note you did not include a single good thing in your entire comment) then the other partner seeing the changes therapy is making can sometimes lead to both partners then attending therapy together. Best, HT.
Can you please remove my comment from this website my name is Ruth. I wrote to you about the error of publishing my comment as it was not intended to be made public. Thank you again
Hi Ruth, the comment has now been removed
Hello,
I found this article to be super helpful as well as the comments and replies. I’m coming from the other end of the spectrum. I can be very critical and have been afraid that it boarders on emotional abuse towards my partner. Im often telling him how to do tasks “correctly”, and see how my constant micromanaging negatively affects him. I’ve been trying to let things go more and i hope I can use what you’ve said about limited constructive criticism in a relationship.
Hi,
I have been thinking about this myself for a number of years.
I have been with my partner for 4 years, he seems to take my comments as criticism, he has left my home and set up on his own due to the fact he takes my comments wrong.
The latest one we broke down on the motorway and I didn’t have cover but neither did he, as we had only just put fuel in the vehical I asked if he put the correct fuel in as I know how easy it is to do when your used to driving a vehical that requires different fuel. He instantly but my head off and said no I didnt I’m not a child. I was already feeling emotionally vulnerable, so I just said it was only a question and then sat quietly in the car.
Next day he messaged me the following.
To summarise
The van breaks down, we try fixing it can’t so I immediately get on the phone and get it sorted very quickly. Easier for me to pay so I can get it done quickly, you clearly don’t want to pay for it.
Then you accuse me of putting petrol in it to push out the blame on me. It must be true as you weren’t supervising me ffs. Massive kick in the bollocks then you get pissy with me.
We find out the problem, no apology or anything.
Then rather than just give me the money you wait for me to ask for it because you don’t really want to give it to me.
This is why we will/can never share anything. I lent you the car for 2 weeks and you refused to clean it. You’re tight and will take anything you can from me, your daughter will grow up the same.
Not saying I want to split up just thought this is a great example of why I want to live on my own and will get my own house asap.
To defend myself I didn’t refuse to clean the car that he had said in the message and we literally go half’s on everytging when out. To the very penny. Yet he earns 3.5 x more than me.
Some of what he has said I have taken as constructive critisum as I didn’t thank him for sorting the recovery of our car, but the other things I flet was a personal attack.
He’s not a monster and I won’t portray him as one, he does take thing the wrong way but then is mean to me with his words. Am I over reacting? Do I need to change? Is there something wrong with me?
Maybe I need therapy.
Hi
This is a response to Sarah’s comment about the petrol argument. Just to be clear, I’m just an ordinary bloke (42, father of 2, with fiancee) who has spent a lot of time working his own relationship. I’m definitely not a professional in any way shape or form! But I have done a lot of reading and I have a “man’s” perspective on this which I thought might be helpful to share.
First of all, personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with you at all. Clearly, the way he was communicating with you in that moment, as you’ve reported, wasn’t great (lots of criticism of you, and some name-calling (“you’re tight”) and some contempt, which is not good). However, I think there may be some clues as to what’s going on under the surface, based on what you say your partner has said to you. He talks about you treating him “like a child”. He talks about the situation being “a massive kick in the bollocks”, and he talks several times about you not wanting to pay for the repairs. I wonder whether deep down this an issue about him feeling respected, and valued by you, and his own insecurity about that / self worth. That’s not a criticism of anything you’ve done at all. It might just be down to his own insecurity.
As a man (yes, this is a generalisation, but it’s possible it might apply in this case) you sometimes get a sense of self-worth from “providing”. If you cannot pay for things, if you cannot fix things, if you do not feel respected by your partner for being in control of certain things you feel you ought to be in control of, then you can feel a real sense of shame – a sense of being “less than”. Shame is an incredibly powerful emotion (Brene Brown’s famous TED talk discusses this). His defence against that – his defence which shields him from his own sense of shame – may be to take it out on you, and even blame you. He might even decide to put distance between you and him to avoid feeling that emotion. However none of those things is a good way to deal with shame if that’s what he is feeling. The best way for him to deal with it might be to “own” it and show vulnerability. I.e., if he was to tell you: “Sarah. What you said to me in the car made me feel really silly. I feel like I should have had break down cover in place; I feel like I should be able to afford to pay for repairs; I feel like I’m kind of failing. I feel like I should be doing better. And to be honest, I’m embarrassed by it all. That’s why I reacted”.
In that situation, a good way to respond in my opinion would be to show empathy. I.e. something like: “that’s ok. It’s understandable you would feel that way. I get it”. Even better if you can find something you can “accept responsibility” for, so that it frames the situation as “you versus the problem”, instead of “you versus him”. E.g. “I probably could have been a bit more tactful – I was just stressed because we had broken down”.
You cannot really change him on your own, because he has to do that himself. But you can change what you do. You can set boundaries (e.g “I know you’re stressed but please can you please use more of a kind tone when you talk to me?”; you can show empathy (e.g. “sorry I spoke to you like that – I didn’t mean to talk to you like a child. That must have been really annoying. I was just stressed”; you can try to assume the best in him rather than the worst (“actually he was probably just behaving that way / saying those things beucase he was stressed and feeling stupid”); you can change your own communication style (avoid criticism and definitely, definitely avoid contempt (sneering, tutting, shaking your head at him, calling him names etc.)); and you can express admiration for what he does that you actually like / appreciate (“e.g. at least when we broke down you were there with me – I wouldn’t have fancied being stuck on the hard shoulder on my own. You’re good in a crisis like that).
Etc, etc. I hope that is at least food for thought. As I say, I’m not an expert, so if the real experts want to jump in and tell me how wrong I am, that’s totally fine, and very welcome!! Interested to hear all thoughts.
Very best wishes – I hope you manage to work through your challenges.