How to Deal with Transference in Therapy
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 9, 2023
What is transference?
Transference is often used to describe a redirection of unconscious feelings from their original object to a new object. For example, feelings which originally occurred towards a parent or spouse could then be transferred to a therapist or counsellor within a therapeutic relationship.
Some types of feelings which can be attributed to transference include:
· Feelings of platonic or familial love
· Negative feelings such as anger or bitterness
· Romantic or sexual attraction
Do we transfer our feelings at other times?
Transference isn’t limited to a therapist/client relationship, however. We can find ourselves repeating certain feelings in any social situation. When we are introduced to a complete stranger, we may find that they remind us of our overbearing mother and have a negative reaction before they have even said hello. Or they may remind us of a close friend and we may treat them as such as a result.
The way that we deal with the world is shaped by our former experiences. Transference is a product of this theory and, in the confines of a psychoanalytic relationship, can take on a greater significance than at other times.
Why does transference happen in therapy?
In a friendship or romantic relationship, both partners will bring their own personalities, desires and feelings to the partnership. However in a therapeutic relationship, the therapist is putting forward the appearance of a blank slate. They are effectively anonymous, there to reflect the issues and concerns of the client so that they can be better analysed.
Sometimes it is obvious why transference is occurring. If a client is depressed because of a string of bad relationships, they will likely feel validated by a therapist who is providing a sympathetic listening ear. This may lead them to develop romantic feelings towards the therapist and to fantasise about having a closer connection with them.
However, it is important to recognise transference as and when it occurs in order for the feelings to be brought into the open. A qualified therapist will be able to draw attention to these feelings and explore them so that they may be resolved.
Can transference be a good thing?
In our everyday relationships, it can be harmful to associate someone with feelings which are occurring as a result of our unconscious thoughts. To label someone according to our prior experiences prevents us from building an honest relationship with them and gives us a narrow and self-centred view. However, transference in therapy can be very beneficial as it can potentially unlock the answer to issues which have yet to be healed.
If the transferred feelings can be discussed openly and honestly, then new ideas can be pinpointed between the client and therapist. The client will come to realise that their feelings are representations of their inner feelings and are not occurring as a result of their relationship with the therapist. In this way, the relationship can become stronger and the client will feel ready to move on to the next part of their treatment.
Tips for dealing with transference
Work out how helpful/harmful it is
If you think that your feelings are hindering your progress in therapy (ie when they are so strong you feel unable to be honest about them), it’s OK to leave and seek a different therapist. This is especially important if you are attending goal-based treatments such as CBT as you will need to be able to tackle your specified issue with no distractions.
Stay calm
Transference is completely normal. You are not ‘crazy’ for being attracted to your therapist or associating them with your father. The important thing is to bring these feelings to light and discuss them together.
Wait it out
If you are feeling trapped by your thoughts and unable to break free, try to give it time. Once you have openly discussed your feelings with your therapist, they should diminish over time.
Be practical
Your therapist should be able to help you to see the difference between themselves and the original object of your feelings. It could be that it’s just one mannerism which is reminding you of your childhood friend or that your therapist has the same voice as your mother but looks nothing like her. The more differences you can see, the more you will be able to scale down your feelings.
What if the transference is good transference such as the therapist reminding a person of a loving long deceased parent and then you see the therapist in a real life situation ( out in public) and the needle scratches the record and the lovely song comes to a halt because the therapist is actually not loving nor nice? Isn’t therapy just one big bubble of make believe?
It’s certainly a good question, and hard to run into your therapist in real life, definitely! But an interesting moment to feel and process things all the same. So some questions. How about another perspective – that we are all human, and all with multi-faceted? Even therapists? Are you the same with your friends as you are with your family? With your colleagues as you are with your partner? If you are having a terrible day and are mean or snappy to your sister, say, at a restaurant, and a colleague from work is there and sees it and decides you are a terrible person, is that fair? Or are you just a human having a moment like we all do? And by putting anyone on a pedestal – therapist, someone we loved and lost – what do we gain? But what do we also lose by doing so?
Is it fair to expect people to be perfect? Is anyone really that perfect? Even anyone in the past? Just thoughts to explore. Hope it helps.
I like the question is it interesting and a good point that was made regarding the therapist being not loving or nice. Although it maybe rare to run into your therapist and even more rare to run into him/her not being very nice, the importance of a carful understanding of a well managed relationship that you and your client have with each other would address such potentially destructive feelings. it is important that a congruent therapist works within a contractual setting.
I do like the “were only human element of the response”
What makes therapy special in this regard is the therapist’s fake and contrived persona. Therapists hide their defects and present as an idealized figure. The client then projects onto the therapist, often in extreme and distorted fashion.
This is framed as some organic process wherein natural impulses and longings manifest. I would argue it is a gross perversion of human relationships, and that much of the resulting transference is a by-product or artifact of this unnatural arrangement. The more the therapist feigns empathy and caring, the stronger and more dubious the longings and obsession.
There is something called the Ludic fallacy. It’s the “misuse of games to model real-life situations”. That to me is the proper context for therapeutic transference. Sure, some genuine responses are likely to emerge, but how much and so what?
It’s also extremely dangerous and leaves some people scarred for a long time. It’s a staged performance presented as something authentic. When people wake up to that, after trusting the therapist (likely in a time of crisis), it can be shattering. Happened to me.
We are so sorry to hear about your experience with a therapist that left you feeling shattered. Unfortunately, like in any industry, not everyone who is a therapist is a good therapist. But a good therapist, with good training and experience, is anything but fake or contrived. They spend up to seven years in training, also taking therapy themselves, in a long process of looking at themselves and learning how to be deeply authentic, warts and all. Did you go see a psychiatrist or a psychotherapist? A psychiatrist is not a therapist, they are a medical doctor who diagnose illnesses. So they have not gone through the same process. Counselling psychologists also go through a different process, with less time in self-examination. Therapy is definitely not perfect. It’s based around a relationship, two humans communicating. And no human is perfect. But there are thousands of therapists out there who don’t feign anything. We do hope one day you might have the courage to try again. We wish you the best of luck.
How should a hypnotherapist react if they find it is the client who is causing feelings of anxiety or even dislike within the therapist for the client Should they continue ? How will they resolve the transferance ?
It depends on the hypnotherapist. Or so we’d imagine. We are a site that promotes psychotherapy and counselling by professional, registered, accredited therapists, not hypnotherapists. Hypnotherapy is a far less regulated field, unfortunately. A very professional hypnotherapist should not have anxiety from working with a client, and if they feel they can’t work with a client should be clear that they don’t feel it’s a fit. If you are a client posting this, as you feel the hypnotherapist doesn’t like you, is this a common occurrence for you? Do you often struggle to trust others and feel that they don’t like you? If not, then it’s just not the right hypnotherapist for you so why not find another?
How does it feel for you if dark cold nights been molested by dad just seemed uncontrollable and therapist even tried to be “empathetic” for the abuser not theclient which was me, the deep wound of betrayal feelings first coming from family everyone knows what’s happened between my dad’s hand and me even my grandpa wouldn’t speak out the truth to me. Since my mother was always at the hospital for her heart attack similar abuse done by my father’s family she’s never there being able to look after me. A betrayer from the whole world, then my looking for therapist locally, that man I thought I could have trusted, he said I was too spoiled exaggerating problems and even asked me what should I handle if my future husband physically attacks me would I still get down and cry? My only wish even when I was a child I wanted to sing and that cleaned up my soul I wanted to world to see me that clean version of me, so I wished the therapist to see my goals for it, but he told me “You can never be a Singer! Your job is now to date guys!” That was when after 17, my aunt told me to kill myself or have my dad want me as a couple divorce my mother as my dad beat me since I told my mother that true disguised incidence, and how my aunt “we all look down your mother she has a broken heart but still laugh on the outside.” After my dad beat me I couldn’t get closer to my mother, that sexual abuse became verbally insulting to myself I sensed from my mothers smiling face towards me, sometimes I even thought how could my mother be so weak!
My dad had me went in another planned sexual assault to public announced out with that therapist in front of my mother and me that, been raped by another man his co worker, he talked to have me must accompany him with a dinner and told me let’s keep secret not to let your mother know, when that man raped me I called my dad he told me with a awkward awful weird psychotic tone in his voice, “look at you, what you’ve done! It’s all because of your slutty intentions!” Never called police when I thought they should. The therapist told my mother that I was having no sexual experiences that what I was looking for so this happened with that co worker from my dad.
Then hehad me to date boys just as what my dad planned stow by step torturing me down like I’m never gonna be my own person no more.
And the therapist done all of these by putting me laying down his sofa, told me to close eyes “Your dad has love the way is distorted only, respect them because you can never be with the one you truly love! It’s our culture!”
like your the weak so listen to me the therapist!
And my dad said before I look in therapy room to get help and change for this family dynamic “Don’t share family shame in therapy! We don’t tell out that it’s our culture!”
Oh I forgot to mention the therapist talked with my father after my money ran out, I was asking him who I shall seek support from my mother or whom he said who’s paying you now and I said my dad then he called my dad and let him known everything I shared to the therapist.
Then my dad was furious
Hi Nina. We don’t know what country you are in. In the UK or in the USA you would report this therapist to the registry board he is registered with and he would lose his license for gross breach of trust and negligence. We are not sure if this is all in the past or still going on. We hope by now you are independent and not living with your family.
how do i know if i feel someone is real for a pesrson , and not because he reminds me of anyone? how can i separate the person from my past from the person in my present? thank you and God bless!
Hi Annie, there is no quick fix here, no 30-second solution, we are afraid. If you are worried you are seeing someone in the present through the filter of someone in the past, then it might be time to look at the hold the past has over you . If there are past issues you have avoided working through, it will only be by gathering up your courage to process them that you can begin to see more clearly. It takes time to understand how the past is controlling our thoughts, emotions, and perspectives. But when we commit to a journey of healing and self-discovery, through things like journalling, self-development, and therapy, then we bit by bit gain clarity.
can you please suggests me some ways how can i process this issue of transference? thank you and God bless
one more question, is transference can lead me to attachment? thank you
Hi there, transference happens in the therapy room, so the way to deal with it is to talk about it with the therapist.
If you have attachment issues than you will bring them to any relationship you have, including the one with your therapist.
thank you for a big help! God bless
Hello! Thank you for your post. I think I am starting to develop some feelings for my psychiatrist. I was never in a relationship, as I’ve always fallen for few but impossible men. However, meeting my psychiatrist is always a pleasure and I look forward to our sessions together. Looking at him and at the men I’d previously fallen for, I realize they all have common characteristics that I’d like to find in my significant other. Problem is, my psychiatrist has them all, too. I would never act on those feelings, and I am scared to share them with him: what if our therapeutical relationship ends because of this? He is a great professional, and I don’t trust easily. We’ve built a trust relationship.
Thanks for your time.
Hi there. It’s actually a very common situation. Therapy is a very intimate relationship of trust, and it’s common to go through a period of having romantic notions for a therapist. Work to find perspective by remembering that your psychiatrist is a person, with a normal life, and with just as many flaws as anyone. In the therapy room you are seeing him in his element, focussed and working. You are not seeing his whole life, but an idealised version of someone who always listens to you and always understands you.Just like any ‘crush’, romantic notions on a therapist can pass with time when we see their human side and stop idealising them. If this doesn’t happen, then it can be helpful to discuss it in a calm, rational way. Remember, it’s a common occurrence. Speak about it as an observation about yourself, not as a ‘big thing’. “I notice I’m transferring romantic feelings onto you. I heard this is quite normal in therapy, I imagine it is because there is so much trust that gets built up. But I thought I’d be honest about it so it doesn’t stop me from being focussed in my sessions.”. Sometimes the very act of ‘putting it on the table’, so to speak, ends it. You can together look at the transference and see if it leads to any new breakthroughs for you. If he is a good psychiatrist, which it sounds he is, he won’t at all be ruffled by this, but will treat it professionally.
I had transference towards my therapist, and brought it up in session. She was dismissive of it, saying it would go away on its own. It would go away, then it would return, I’d bring it up again and again, but she never helped me find the root of the transference and work through it. A year and a half into therapy, she helped me to get a job with her friend. Being in close proximity of her friend kept me thinking about my therapist all the time, and the transference came back, only this time it was so strong I thought I loved her. I told her this in the next session, and that I was very troubled by it, but she told me it was fine and not to worry about it. I was mortified that I had told her that and became suicidal, and ended up placing myself in the hospital.
The therapist cut off communication and abandoned me while I was in the hospital, which caused a great amount of anguish and I was back in the hospital two weeks after being released. She had said the transference was not an issue, that we would work through it, but then she abandoned me when I needed her most, and then tried to villainize me in an email to my wife as well as painting my as a predator in my medical record.
My biggest question here is, why is there not specific training to deal with transference, as it seems to be a very common occurrence and, when handled incorrectly, can be devastating to the client. I completely lost my trust in therapy, and have been feeling the pain of this episode for 3 months now.
Hi Nick, is this a registered therapist? Registered with the appropriate board in whatever country you are in? Did you check their accreditation and training before hiring them? There IS specific training for transference. This situation you describe is not at all a normal one, down to her helping you get a job which is way outside of client therapist boundaries. Unfortunately, therapists are people, and it’s a profession. And just like you get doctors, vets, and chefs who are not good at their job, not all therapists are. Nor are all therapists capable of dealing with all things and all issues, another reason it is good to carefully select a therapist, to make sure they have experience with your issues and offer a therapy that is right for you. For example your message seems to speak of issues with abandonment, intensity, boundaries, and emotional regulation, perhaps you’ve even been diagnosed with BPD? You’d need a therapist with experience who knows what they are doing and who doesn’t treat you as a problem or a diagnosis but as a resourceful person who needs support. And who offers a therapy that helps and doesn’t make abandonment issues worse, such as those in this article http://bit.ly/BPDtreatment. When you see red flags that a therapist is not doing their job you as the client have the power to leave and find a new therapist. Also note that you can file a complaint with the registry any therapist is signed up with, therapists are then held accountable. In summary, we are sorry you had this experience and do hope you don’t give up on finding the right support. Attachment and abandonment issues are tough, but there is great help out there, that can make a huge difference, again, look at the article we suggested. Best, HT.
Hello
I have going through IFS for 10 months.
I have developed huge feelings of transference with my therapist, he is trained level 1 in Internal Family systems but not a trained therapist. Some discovery of sexual abuse as an infant as come up in the therapy, I have also experienced the death of 3 people very close to me in the last year too, so a lot of very strong life changing emotions. My feelings for the therapist feels like I have made him into my mother, my father, my lover!
I have told him of how I feel, I find it very difficult to think of anything else, my therapist is taking 4 weeks off for paternity leave as his partner has just had a baby, I feel so embarrassed for my feelings of jalousy, neediness, longing… And keep thinking of stopping the therapy as it all feels so painful at times, yet I am also aware that healing is to be find here if I stick with it.
I am at times concerned that my therapist may not know quite well of how to deal with it, he just started to practice IFS, and I don’t know how much he has been trained with transference. I am trying to keep staying open with him in our sessions, and I know that it is the tiny baby part of me who is craving for love, care, attention…
I also discovered how difficult it is for me to trust, trust him, trust full stop.