“I Hate My Therapist” – the Essential Questions to Ask Next
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 9, 2023
By: Esparta Palma
by Andrea M. Darcy
Therapy is really a relationship between two people – you and your therapist. And like any relationship, it doesn’t always work out, and you can be left thinking, “I hate my therapist!” What next?
[And read our connected article, too, ‘What to do if you don’t like your therapist‘.]
Questions to ask if you don’t like your therapist
‘Hating’ your therapist can also be a sign of other things altogether. How can you tell if “I hate my therapist” means move on – or something else? Go through our handy question list.
1. Have I taken my time to come to the conclusion that I don’t like my therapist?
- How long have I been seeing this therapist?
- Is it long enough to question if they are the right therapist for me?
- Have I tried the rule of four?
Much like dating, where you can be somewhat unsure of someone but then they grow on you, it’s suggested you give a therapist at least four sessions (three plus an assessment) before deciding it’s a fit or not.
By: Robert Nunnally
2. What are my concrete reasons for not liking him or her?
- Can I clearly list my reasons on paper?
- Are my reasons emotional, or rational?
- Can I find facts and evidence to support each reason?
There are valid reasons to not work with a therapist, and if a therapist ever crosses a professional boundary then it makes sense to leave immediately.
But if your reasons are ‘a funny feeling they don’t like me’, or small details like the way they look, speak, or move their hands, you might be secretly sabotaging your own progress.
3. Is this about my therapist, or therapy?
- Is the process of therapy making me feel at all uncomfortable or vulnerable?
- Did I choose to do therapy or was I pushed into it by someone?
- Is it my therapist I don’t like, or the process of therapy itself?
Therapy is a strange concept, if you think about it. And it’s not always pleasant. But it does work. So do consider if you are panicking because it’s an all new experience, and remember things take time to adjust to.
4. Is this situation familiar to me, if I’m honest with myself?
- Do I often not like people at first?
- Do I have troubles making friends? Or forming lasting relationships?
- Would it be fair say that I have trust issues? Or find intimacy hard?
Many people who attend therapy have issues letting people close. And if you don’t trust others, why would you suddenly trust your therapist? It’s okay to need time to do so. Look for the possibility of trust instead. Do they seem like the person you might grow to trust over time?
5. Am I seeing my therapist as they really are?
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Does my therapist remind me of someone from the past?
- Is it possible that I actually feel they don’t like me and I am projecting?
Therapy is an intense process, and strange dynamics can happen. Projection is when you transfer your own feelings onto someone else (in this case your therapist).
Transference is when we unconsciously transfer feelings about someone from the past onto our therapist.
Neither of these mean you should quit working with your therapist – once recognised they can be tools for exploration and growth.
6. Have I fully committed to therapy?
- Do I often quit things you start? Relationships, projects, even jobs?
- Have I doubted therapy all along?
- What is it that makes me doubt therapy?
If you are a commitment phobe, who worries and doubts most things they get involved in, then therapy will be no different. Deciding your therapist isn’t good enough or that you ‘hate your therapist’ can just be self-sabotage in disguise.
7. Have I approached this situation in an appropriate way?
- Have I been honest with my therapist that I’m not sure it’s working?
- Could I at least let them know the process itself is making me uncomfortable?
It’s possible you find telling people how you really feel embarrassing. But remember, you are paying for therapy. And your therapist is trained to handle people’s honest thoughts. The very act of trying to have an open conversation with your therapist can be learning curve in communicating that can make all you’ve gone through in the therapy room worth your investment, even if you do decide to leave.
Time to change therapists or move on?
If you’ve answered the questions above and it seems that your feelings about your therapist could be confused with your feelings about therapy in general, try to keep going. Another therapist will likely produce the same effects, meaning you have sabotaged your progress and started again for no good reason.
But if your answers show this is not about therapy or your own issues but that your therapist is not good at their job or is someone you will just never relax around, then don’t quit therapy. Quit the therapist. Like dating, it can take a few attempts before something works out.
[You might find our piece, ‘I want to fire my therapist‘ a useful read, as well as our piece on ‘finding the right therapist for you‘].
You might even be engaged in the wrong kind of therapy for your personality and issues. Another kind of therapy altogether can be a revelation that means you end up loving the process and your next therapist. Read or guide to different schools of therapeutic thought if this might be your real issue.
Need a new therapist? Harley Therapy strictly vets therapists to ensure they are highly competent. We offer counsellors, psychotherapists, and counselling psychologists in London as well as worldwide via online therapy.
Andrea M. Darcy is a mental health and wellbeing expert with training in person-centred counselling and coaching. As well as being a popular writer she works as a consultant helping people plan their perfect therapy journey. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
I found this a very interesting article – it’s a valid point that not all of our clients will like us, their therapists. The blog helps clients to ascertain why this might be and to look for evidence-based support for their opinion. I don’t think that it’s possible to ‘gel’ with every single clients that I see and if I sense a reluctance for them to explore this, I try to engage in different ways with them. Sometimes, it’s not possible to find a rapport but it’s good for the counsellor and the client to look within themselves as to why this has happened.
Exactly. Glad it struck a chord!
I’m glad that I decided to look this topic up . I have quit therapy a couple of times , started again hated her quit again . Gone to someone new and the whole thing is happening again but I’m not leaving as quickly. Still the process sucks . I think I have confused a therapist with being a friend or something . Then the whole not being committed. That’s a problem ! I am glad that I’m not the only person that feels this way . Seems all I hear is how people just love their therapy. Ya , no .. not feeling the love ❤️
Thank you for this! We love honest sharing. It’s actually totally normal to not ‘feel the love’ as you say. And if we grew up without anyone we can trust, it’s going to take time to trust any therapist because trust is not really a skill we have. All that said, do read our other pieces on finding a good therapist. As it can be a bit like dating, it can take time. We have one, for example, on ‘questions to ask in your first session https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/finding-the-right-therapist.htm. Good luck, we hope it goes better with the next one! And kudos for you for not giving up. When it works, it works really well, and we believe that with enough persistence you will find a good therapist you trust. They are out there!
Well there’s a flaw in your logic. You compare this to a relationship, you dont have to continue to actively pay just to be In a relationship. Why should I “stick it out” and continue to throw money at someone who wont help?
Well actually Nick, many people actively pay to stay in relationships. Staying in unhealthy relationships has a very high cost indeed. We pay with our time, energy, and often even our mental and physical wellbeing. Therapy is a relationship, but a positive one that does lead to long term change. But you can’t expect instant results. It’s not magic, it’s a process that you have to commit to and put work into. As for saying it won’t help, well that’s a judgement call you can’t really make if you haven’t given it a go. But if we are so sad and depressed and feel that alone we are sure nothing can help us, then really therapy might be the one thing that can. A good therapist will see you behind all the rage, sadness, and despair that sees you push others away and lash out at everyone. And help you see that valuable you inside, too. Good luck.
I had theray paid by a corporation one year ago after the conflict with a male employee, who caused anxiety, lots of crying with a few months of strange behaviour such as whispers sexual allusions, teasing, staring touching me once with his leg etc.. he then reported on me. I lamed myself and tried to explain to HR the force of reaction with my childhood issues (I was abused as a child) My manager said “it will look better” if I attend therapy paid by the firm. The therapist never told me it would be CBT with exposition and I had the impression he forced on me point of view of my male colleague. He also intervieved my managers and colleagues. He raised his voice on a session repeating that everything my colleague had done was “open to interpretation or benign” or accused me of “passive agression” towards my colleague. Then without warning organised exposition which included work colleagues using vulgar language, men touching me or scores of people commenting on my clothes or becoming “friendly” and behaving as if they were teaching me English customs naturally unfamiliar to me as a foreigner. I later realised cultural differences could have been interpreted as maladaptiveness…
When I spotted all this and asked for it to stop I was accused of paranoia by manager and even shouted at by HR person who lied inconsistently.
The exposition caused night panic attacks which I never had before in my life such as urge to run and kill myself, shattering teeth, pounding heart, waking up with a start realising I am surrounded at work by some horror version of big brother with people forcing me into believng is real and feeling utter despair and fear whar are they up to next. It was very cruel of people whom I trusted to accuse me of paranoia when I explained I see organised behaviour. I used to be a programmer, speak a couple of languages am travelled, educated and have keen sense of observation. I felt terrorised to believe that unnatural behaviour is “real”.
I would have to go mad to believe this.
All this made me feel much worse.
The corporation fired me after my hysterical reactions following this therapy. So I returned to my native Poland and take therapy for PTSD caused by the male colleague and the UK “therapy” which almost killed me. My therapist says I have all grounds to sue that corporation and the UK therapist. I in turn have wondered for months if anything he did could have been done in good will. I hate the thought that any therapist would deliberately harm a patient.
I would prefer to think he had ignored cultural differences and was influenced by HR (who paid him) and perhaps mislead by managers eager to rule out “harassment” charges. The fact is I lost the job, lost my English friends and experienced months of mental horror.
I have read a lot about CBT since and think it should not have such dreadful side effects if done well.
I had also a couple of psychiatric assesments (first one in UK after panic attacks started) and I keep being told Iam sane. The dr. in UK said somenthing must have “shook” me and I “snapped”.
Would be grateful for a comment on this and just wanted to add you have a beautifull country open to foreigners and tolerant like no other.
This one experience will not change my opinion on England.
We are truly sorry you had this experience. How awful for you. Sadly, therapists are people, just like everyone else. So like any profession – doctors, lawyers, office workers – there are people who train to be a therapist who are not good at their job. It unfortunately sounds like you had an experience with someone who was not the right therapist or good at his job. First of all from the sounds of it, given what had upset you, you should never have been placed with a male therapist in the first place, but hardly surprising if the corporation said it ‘would look better’, again, that is not good workplace ethics. We of course are only hearing what you tell us, your side, and a small amount of what is obviously a big complicated story. We can’t say if he wanted to do you harm or not, we don’t know him. It’s unlikely a therapist would want to harm a patient, it would be more likely just not being good at the job, but who knows? We simply can’t say as we weren’t there to see what happened. In summary you absolutely could take it further, and do a workplace claim, as what you are saying doesn’t sound at all legal. Do a google there might be charities who would help, as it’s a workplace issue. And then you are free to report the therapist to the registrar he is part of and they can look into it. But the decision to do a claim so has to be yours, not someone else’s, as you are the one who has to live through the process. As for CBT, it’s a very good therapy, evidence-based to, rather ironically, help PTSD. But again, like any tool, it depends on who is using it. Good luck!
Thanks for the reply! I think therapy and workplace should be entirely separate. Especially if conflict happened at work and patient of the therapy is someone who got hurt by a work colleague even unwillingly. There are too many moments where the whole process can go wrong and the interest of the company prevail over that of the patient. Especially if the employer pays for therapy and is in constant contact with the therapist.
Having said that, I do integrative therapy for almost a year now and include CBT exercises in it. I So it was good to have bashed into CBT after all and I actually recomend it to work colleagues. Will read out this conversation to my therapist tomorrow if you do not mind. Thank you again! And thanks for running this blog. I am glad I found it.
Therapy was the worst experience of my life. The therapist mocked me, humiliated me, and broke confidentiality about me to another client (and admitted it to me). Therapists blame clients for it not working. Therapists don’t do anything but sit there and get handed money and get their egos stroked.
Hi there, it’s certainly one viewpoint. However we have never met and would certainly never hire any therapist who did any of that. In fact a registered therapist not only wouldn’t, they couldn’t. We do wonder what this therapists ‘qualifications’ were? And training? Did you ask in advance? There is no law governing who can and can’t call themselves a therapist. It’s up to the client to of course check the therapist’s training and credentials in advance, much as would with anyone you hired, such as a builder or a mechanic.No registered therapist could dare do anything such as you state (and why would they, it is not why they are therapists) or they would lose their license with the board they were registered with, all of which maintain strict codes of conduct. Of course therapists are humans, not machines, and there are corrupt people in every profession, but this still seems unlikely for a proper registered therapist as opposed to a charlatan. We’d suggest you read our articles on working with a registered therapist http://bit.ly/registeredtherapist and how to find a good therapist http://bit.ly/findgoodtherapist. And if they somehow were a proper registered therapist then we assume you have already reported them to the registrar.
I’ve seen quite a few therapists over my lifetime due to discrete episodes of mental illness plus various moves (theirs and mine). Most, I’ve got on with fine, but occasionally it’s just not possible! One of them was a nice person but had to work inside a strict IAPT framework and was also… not the bristliest brush in the toothbrush holder. She fired me when I wasn’t able to complete my CBT homework one week as it was too ambitious. Another one was a Jungian, and pretty much the earthly incarnation of Satan herself. Very damaging. A recent-ish one was a lovely woman, seemed like a perfectly competent therapist, went out of her way to make me comfortable etc., but simply wasn’t able to stop going “mm…mm…mm…” THE ENTIRE TIME when I was speaking, even though I asked her whether she might be able to cut it down a bit because I found it impossible to articulate my thoughts while she was channelling her inner alpaca.
Yes, it’s like dating… can be quite the process to find the ‘click’. But it sounds like you are getting little bits from each one all the same. Hope you find the one for you soon!
Hello, I recently ended the abusive relationship with my boyfriend and have been seeing a partner/ex partner support therapist via skype for a few weeks. At first she seemed very supportive of me but for the past 3 sessions has shown a definate sympathy towards my ex partner.
When Im trying to tell her what happened she interrupts and says eg ‘imagine how that feels for him’, ‘think how he might be feeling’ , ‘well begging him to stop would make him angry because you are making him think that what hes doing is wrong’ and this week I was trying to explain something which had really upset me and she said’ do you know how vulnerable he is” Ive spent most of the week feeling even more stressed and anxious and totally invalidated. Its almost like trying to talk with him.
I should explain that my ex-partner is currently having phone sessions with a different therapist at the same charitable organisation. It appears from what my therapist has said that she has access to his notes and as he comes across as being very humble and very keen to learn and change( which is what he has done with another therapist), it seems that she is seeing him as the victim.
Im sorry this is so long but I really need advice please, I may be overreacting but the thought of talking with this therapist again is making me feel sick.
Thankyou
Hi there. First of all, what is this organisation? We have never heard of an ‘ex partner support therapist’. Are they actually properly trained and registered therapists? Who went to accredited institutions? Or simply volunteers? As for her having access to his notes, did she really say that? Or are you just anxious about it? A proper, trained accredited and registered therapist would never access notes of another therapist’s client that would break any code of ethics if not the law. We can understand if a therapist is attempting to help a client have a wider perspective. But that is done through asking good questions not offering advice. So what you are saying is very strange and not any kind of therapy approach we know of.