Involuntary Childlessness and Depression – Is it Time to Talk?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 7, 2023
By: jenny downing
by Andrea M. Darcy
Not having children due to a pointed choice is one thing.
Not having children because it didn’t work out for you is quite another. The depression this can cause can often remain hidden and untreated.
And it’s far from just a women’s issue. In a study at the UK’s Keele University it was found that 38% of men in a study group had experienced depression due to not having children, compared to 27% of the women.
- Why is depression from childlessness so often downplayed?
- What are the signs you should look for if you are childless and worried about your mental health?
- And what are steps you can take if you feel you might have ‘childlessness depression’?
Why aren’t we talking about childlessness and depression?
It’s a tricky issue. On one hand, if you are childless after many private battles with both your body and your hopes, you might not want the world to know how upset you are.
Or you might have spent so much time hiding what you are going through – the fertility tests, the alternative treatments, the attempts at an IVF pregnancy, the praying and pleading to whatever gods that be – that it’s become a bad habit. Now that you need support, you don’t know how to start talking.
On the other hand are those who love you and want support you but who might have children, feel guilty, and just not know how to approach you.
An overlooked issue that can increase depression for one or both partners is if you have different methods of coping and getting over things. This can cause conflict and communication breakdown that means you are together but lonely.
And finally, there are many single people who have spent so long hiding their desire to have children from others — so as not to appear desperate, or worry others, or perhaps out of fear of facing their own panic over the issue — – that when they are face-to-face with a future without children they blame themselves. They continue to suffer in silence. This sort of hidden shame can often turn into the numb, ‘onward ho’ experience referred to as ‘walking depression‘.
Why childlessness causes depression
Yes, it might seem logical to ‘count your blessings’ or ‘consider adoption’, but depression isn’t logic. And such advice from friends and family can make you feel even worse.
So can trying to suppress or deny all the feelings that are leaving you depressed.
Recognising your childlessness depression and what it is made up of, if you’ve spent months or years trying to deny or downplay it, can actually feel a huge relief. It’s only when we face how we feel that we can start to work through it.
The following can all be the components of depression due to childlessness:
Loneliness.
Even if you are still with a partner you can have a sense of a void now between you. You might also feel unable to connect with the friends and family you used to be close to if they have children.
Hopelessness.
If you always saw your future as with children, or weren’t sure but now realise it’s what you wanted, you can feel like there is nothing waiting ahead for you. A sort of existential crisis can descend.
Low self-esteem.
This is a leading cause of depression. Not having children might make you feel faulty, as if you weren’t ‘good enough’ to find the right partner or attract the good ‘luck’ required. Again, depression is not logic.
Shame.
Really the biggest of emotions and an umbrella that hides many of the others, not having children can leave us feeling unwanted, flawed, overlooked… riddled with shame.
Feelings of failure.
Even if we logically know we can’t control our bodies, and we did everything we possibly could try, we can feel somehow that we failed. Failure can be especially high if childlessness is because of not attracting an appropriate partner in time.
Bitterness.
A truly alienating feeling we all tend to hide, bitterness can leave you unable to connect to others.
By: Benedic Belen
Negative thinking.
All the above all leads to spirals of negative thinking, which lead us to take negative actions that lead to more negative thinking, and the spiral towards depression continues.
What should I do if I am suffering childlessness depression?
Again, the first step is facing that this is the issue, and reading this article is likely a sign you are on this path.
The second step is to then allow yourself to process and explore your feelings. You might want to start this alone, with things like journalling, research, and talking on online forums.
Charities and organisations that help
There is now a charity here in the UK that focus on the issue of childlessness and fertility issues. The fertility network UK offers free resources and a support hotline for those struggling with fertility issues or childlessness. They also connect you with free support groups across the UK.
For women who are childless by circumstance, “Gateway Women” is an invaluable resource. Launched by a women who became an activist for getting childless women talking after sharing her own story in a book, it provides truly useful information on its site. Gateway Women support groups are now found worldwide, and the weekend workshops sell out.
When it’s time to seek professional help
If your feelings of depression have gone on for six weeks or more, or is negatively affecting your day-to-day life, it’s important to seek support.
Working with an impartial and caring counsellor or therapist where you can truly admit your feelings without judgement can be a huge relief. And having support in finding your way forward can mean you can make changes far faster than going it alone.
What sorts of therapy can help with childlessness and depression?
There are many styles that could help. Person-centred counselling is client-led and could be a good choice. You can choose to just talk about recent experiences, or go into the past, it’s up to you.
If you find that your negative thoughts about yourself and life are what you’d like to look at, and you want to deal more with what you feel right now then go into your past, consider cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). It is a short-term talk therapy designed to help you catch, challenge, and change your thoughts.
If you feel that not having children has made you question the meaning of life, you might want to consider existential counselling. The focus here is on helping you make sense out of your experiences, and then to re-design life in a way that makes sense to you personally.
How can you help someone who is suffering from depression due to childlessness?
- don’t tell them to think positive or ‘snap out of it’
- don’t give them helpful suggestions like adopting, fostering, seeing a faith healer, etc
- don’t judge them for it
- don’t tell them they need help but you won’t help them.
Instead, do you best to listen without judgement, ask good questions instead of offer advice, and offer support (take them out, let them call you when they feel alone). If you worry they do need professional support, let them know in a positive, kind way. Read our article on “how to tell a loved one they need counselling” for advice on how to do this.
Would you like to talk to someone about childlessness depression? Harley Therapy connects you with with warm, understanding therapists in central London as well as worldwide via online counselling.
Andrea M. Darcy is a health and wellbeing writer as well as mentor, trained in person-centred counselling and coaching. She experienced involuntary childlessness herself, but has refused to let it define herself or her happiness and has a pretty darned amazing life. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
I read with interest the article from 21st September 2016 regarding depression and childlessness. As a 50 year old childless woman I related to all the feelings and emotions mentioned.
I suffer from depression and have done so since childhood although I wasn’t diagnosed until many years later.
I’ve always had very strong maternal feelings and when I got married in my early twenties I wanted four children but one would have been a gift.
Like many others, I tried month after month and year after year for ten years to have my much longed for baby. I also suffered from a premenstrual condition that made me very ill for a week to ten days every month so this added to the difficulties of dealing with the fertility issue.
After about the eight years of trying unsuccessfully to have my baby I was in a very bad state mentally. Every month during those eight years when my period started was almost to me like experiencing a death and continually going through a grieving process. I couldn’t cope any more and back then there wasn’t any help or support. The continuous monthly premenstrual condition I was suffering and the breaking down of my marriage was all too much and I tried to take my own life. It was then I was diagnosed with depression. A couple of years after my marriage ended..my husband could’t cope with it all and he had an affair. He had never been bothered about us not having a child so he was never supportive or understanding with me.
Fifteen years ago when I was married to my second husband, I had a full hysterectomy which was the only option I had to end the debilitating premenstrual condition but obviously it also ended my chance of having a baby. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make!
Since then I have continued to suffer from depression and have wanted to end my life on several occasions. Issues concerning the relationship with my parents/family, the break up of my second marriage, suffering from a chronic back condition (degenerative disc disease, osteoarthritis and spinal stenosis) which I had spinal surgery many years ago and for the last two and a half years has caused me to suffer bad to serious pain on a daily basis and have not been able to work in that time. All these issues and living a very unsettled insecure life have all been factors that have caused my depression to continue.
However the most significant part of my depression up to this day comes from being involuntarily childless. I have no focus/meaning or depth to my life. Nothing seems worthwhile without having children and daily I am reminded of this. I feel empty and lonely with what feels like a great big gaping hole in my soul that has never been filled even though I have tried everything I can to fill it..i.e. living in Spain for ten years, working hard and trying to focus on new interests etc. My life has been a continuous succession of battles even though I try so hard at everything I do and want to achieve.
Don’t get me wrong I am really not a miserable old cow as this email has probably portrayed me to be. The times when I don’t suffer from the bouts of depression I am a most positive forward thinking and fun person, having previously for many years enjoyed success in a sales and marketing career. My friends and family say how strong I am because I always ‘bounce back’ after all the set backs and bouts of depression I have experienced and I am always the one people come to with their problems and worries. I have a very pragmatic approach to my depression and view it as only part of me and not who I am. Over the years I have tried many self help approaches and even have a qualification in psychology and counselling
I am on a cocktail of drugs including two types of anti depressants and a mood stabiliser along with daily painkilling medication and HRT. I have recently been accepted for a course of counselling sessions through the NHS because my mental health has been very unstable for the last three months now which is not uncommon for me before, during and after the Christmas period when something switches in me and the depression begins again which like now is very bad.
I do believe there are many childless people who suffer in silence with depression especially my generation and older because we were brought up with the stigma about depression and mental illness and it was very rarely talked about even within a family unit. There wasn’t support groups or help and many GP’s were unsympathetic towards depression and mental health.
I have a Facebook page called Butterflies which is for people to contact me regarding childlessness however I haven’t had much success with it which is probably more to do with my lack of social media skills than lack of interest.
When I am finally in a more comfortable state with my back I am going to set up ‘face to face’ support for local people who need help/support coping with either infertility issues or coping with childlessness. I also think that by giving other people support it will help me with my own battle by giving me a purpose and a meaning to my life.
I hope I haven’t bored you with my email and in a way it maybe it will be cathartic for me to have wrote it. Whoever may read it I thank you for your time.
Kind regards,
Wendy
Thank you for sharing Wendy. That’s certainly an awful lot to deal with by yourself, and we are really glad to hear you’ll be getting some NHS counselling and that you have the courage to reach out when you need it. As you say, depression isn’t who you are. It’s an illness you battle with, not you. We wish you all the best with your projects, and do look into the sites the article mentions, you might find them very useful.
Every September when I see countless photos of children returning to school, I feel engulfed in sadness for the children I was unable to have. I married late, tried to fall pregnant naturally for a few years, three rounds of IVF, swiftly followed by breast cancer. This Summer was my final chance, but sadly again unsuccessful. So grateful to find this blog today & know that I am not alone.
Katherine this sounds really really hard. So much effort only to then suffer through breast cancer, give yourself some credit for your courage and perseverance and strength. You are so not alone on the pain of involuntary childlessness. The hardest part about is it that the people we usually turn to can not ‘get’ it, no matter how hard they try, so we feel even more lost and alone in our grief. Do access the resources we talk about, connecting with others who do get it can feel a great release.
I am Chidfree not of my choice. Learning to be a mature happy positive adult. I have a hard time dating and finding a guy to want to adopt in the future. I also jave a jard time in the workforce trying to earn a salary to eventually adopt. When I had my Hysterectomy in april 2017 i really decided not to get down over this and become even more Faithful and obident towards Human Life. I help non profit agencies and continue to hope for better days for all. The negative vail has lifted and.ray of sunshine. Nothing more makes.me happybto see a child smile at me and his or her parent sharing the moment with me. I do love children and know that God still has aplan for me. My script is far from over.
Thank you for sharing Jennifer. We appreciate your optimism, it’s beautiful. But it’s okay to be sad and angry, too. Do make use of the resources in this article if you feel some connection with other women going through the same might help!
My name is Scott and I am now 52 and childless not because of medical issue but because I couldn’t find a woman willing to have them with me. I have felt every emotion described. My biggest issue is that most people don’t understand that being able to have kids and never being given the chance hurts just as much as not being able to have kids due to medical reasons.
Hi Scott, we are sorry to hear this. And you raise a valid point, that men suffer from involuntary childlessness as well. We don’t know of any sites off the top of our heads geared for men who are going through it, but it’s worth doing a google for. Other interesting things are coparenting sites. There are several nowadays, such as pollentree, etc. We appreciate it’s not for everyone, but we have read success stories of people who met through such sites and have enjoyed raising kids together in this non traditional format. Finally, if it’s really getting you down, don’t overlook talking to a therapist. Involuntary childlessness can be a real hit to self-esteem and counselling does actually help. We wish you courage!
Hi, I am Candace. 44, married 4 years, and childless. Not by choice. I was raped at 7. My female organs were “rearranged”. I started my cycle soon after that and every month was in excruciating pain. After year after agonizing year, I had to have a hysterectomy in the fall of 2017. I cannot help but to think and feel overwhelmed by hurt and sadness everyday. Therapy has not helped. Medication has not helped. I am at the end of my rope.
Candace, it all sounds really hard. But what sounds the hardest is to have gotten all the way to 44 without ever feeling good and in your personal power. It also sounds tremendously lonely. Loneliness feeds our feeling of being a victim and powerless. Have you talked to other women with similar experiences? You’d be surprised to find you are not as alone as you feel. And we can say that with confidence as we hear from a lot of women with abusive pasts. If you don’t want to try medication or therapy, then we would suggest following tips in the article to encounter other women who truly understand. Finally, we are sad to hear therapy didn’t help. Therapy is at heart a relationship. People with abusive pasts don’t trust anyone, and of course therapy can be a big ask at first. Trust a stranger? Really?? So you need to find the right therapist and right form of therapy and give it a lot of time. You might want to look into schema therapy. It focuses especially on developing trust between therapist/ client.
Hi My name is Paul and I’m 23 years old, I know this may be odd because I’m definitely young but I’ve been longing for a family since I was little. I don’t think I’ll be able to raise a family or get married in the near future because of mental health inadequacy. I was evaluated for PDD nos at age 13 and it was met not in criteria. I was diagnosed with depression on January and I can tell you the meds help me a lot.
Hi Paul, yes, that is vey young to be worried about this now. Developmental disorders don’t mean you can’t have children. It sounds like you have some anxiety about this, can you speak to your counsellor about it? We do hope you have one and you haven’t just been put on medication without therapy. Medication masks symptoms but to learn social skills and raise your self esteem therapy is highly recommended.
I’m happy to read this article this morning and feel a little bit less alone. I’m 61 now. My story is complex. I always wanted children but somehow managed to attract all the wrong kind of men – and it was always a family I wanted, never wanted to be a single mother.
My self esteem is definitely low. I feel like a failure – and truly I did fail to bring my biggest dream into reality.
As I’ve gotten older, I find the greatest healing for me comes not from others but from creativity and from nature.
Those things keep me happy to be alive.
People do judge you for being single and having no children – that is just how it is. And that’s why this pain is not easily shared.
I find it’s easier when I face the reality, and then I know how to help myself.
Paint! Write! Love the natural world! I express my emotions however I can and hope to reach others like me so we can all feel less alone.
It’s a harsh world out there. There are lots of unrecognised invalidated people living with different types of socially unacceptable pain. Whenever I see a homeless person I wonder about that – what’s the story here.
Nothing is fair. Once I accepted that I felt better because it’s not like I’ve been picked out for unfair treatment, it’s just the law of the jungle.
Happy to live more on the outskirts of the jungle now…big hugs to everyone else with this pain
What a BEAUTIFUL share Jo, THANK YOU. We’re sure it will touch many other readers.
I am 30 years old and I have wanted to have kids since I was 15. All my friends are getting pregnant (some repeatedly) and it makes me feel so alone and distant from all of them. I have been married for almost 3years and I feel all those components of childlessness depression you described in the article. I want to stop envying all pregnant women and not feel like each children’s smile is killing me (even though i continue volunteering for adopted children). I want to come to peace with me not having a baby at this point… What can I do?
Hi Kirsti, we aren’t quite sure what info we are missing here. Is there a reason that you haven’t had children, a medical issue? As 30 is very young otherwise. If you are attempting to fall pregnant naturally and it hasn’t happened yet, then you’d want to seek fertility advice, there is a lot out there. As for the psychological side, we’d say, what is that you expect a baby to give you exactly? As it seems you are basing all your happiness on a child which does throw up a red flag. Things like self esteem, identity, a sense of worth and belonging… these things have to come from within. Expecting a child to give you all this not only leads to disappointment but puts a psychological burden on that child he or she doesn’t deserve.
I am 40 year old single woman and single. I have always wanted children, but could not think of marrying someone just because of children. I feel like my fertility is coming to an end and I am feeling literally in “walking depression” as your article mentioned. No other words can describe how deep the pain truly is. I often wonder why I am like a “freak” and it is really tormenting anxiously hiding behind a brave but false front to friends and family. This mental and emotional stress has caused me so many autoimmune illnesses and sleepless nights.
Hi Sandy, if you are feeling better about it we’d highly recommend, if you can afford it or your work insurance covers a few sessions, talking to someone about it. Find a counsellor in your area who specialises in talking about such issues. Also reach out to the groups we suggest in the article, it can feel a relief just to be in contact with other women who ‘get it’. Good luck.
I’m 43 and a half. After a few medium term relationships, the one which ended when I was 39 brought on grief for the child I never had with them by choice (our relationship wasn’t working for a while). Now and despite being in the best relationship I’ve had over the last two and a half years and one in which we have tried to conceive naturally for about a year and a half, I’m feeling panicked by the reality of having left it too late to have a baby. I also feel annoyed at myself and ashamed that it took me so long to address and work with a Counsellor through traumatic issues from childhood which made me self sabotage a good relationship in my 20s and avoid wanting to get pregnant for fear of being a terrible parent or having a child with “a less than perfect partner” (I realise now we’re all imperfect, and that’s fine!)
My closest childhood friends all have children and since they have I have felt sidelined from them as understandably they want to share with each other their parenting experiences and support.
I know we’re all on our own paths in life and must accept things beyond our control and work through them with support, but that doesn’t take away the overwhelming sense of loss for a child I now realise I would have been a caring, supportive and loving mother towards.
Naomi, it’s perfectly understandable to feel a lot of grief and upset. Yes, we are all on our own path, but it’s also okay to feel rage and sadness. It also sounds like you are grieving different versions of yourself. On the other hand, sounds like you’ve gained some serious wisdom here. We don’t know what to say about ‘left it so late’ as it depends on the person and your own biology. The only way to know is to test hormone levels and do an ultrasound etc, to have proof of what is going on and a medical opinion. We assume you have already done that, but if you haven’t (and we don’t say this to be condescending, but more as you mention trauma issues, and we see patterns of sabotage and avoidance in a lot of trauma clients) then that’s something to consider. Best, Harley Therapy.
I am 35 years old and have been married for over 7 years. I have wanted children since I can remember. My husband was always aloof on the topic during dating but always spoke as if he wanted children and knew it was something I required.
We put off trying for several years because I was pursuing my Masters degree and we wanted to be stable financially. Finally the time came and we began trying. My husband is 15 years my senior and at the time I was in my early 30’s knowing time was a factor.
We were unsuccessful for over a year but were not trying real hard… just hoping that it would happen naturally with proper timing. When I finally made an appointment at 34 to check things out, I was afraid that perhaps I was infertile. I went to the appointment by myself and was told everything looked good and that my husband should get checked out. When I shared this info with him that night we got into a huge fight. I told him that I couldn’t wait and hope any longer and after soul searching he told me having a child was something he just couldn’t handle. He grew up in an extremely abusive household and still has a lot of issues that stem from that.
I was devastated! He told me that he understood if I wanted to divorce him and find someone who could have children.
How do you throw away a good marriage for such a reason…? He had tried wanting it FOR me.
It has been almost two years since this revelation and I struggle with all of the depression mentioned in this article as well as some deep resentment for my husband. I try to deal with it rather than bury it, however I am unable to talk to my husband about any of it. I am lost, feel alone, and scared to death that my window is closing.
I am not sure if there are others out there who are involuntarily childless for the same reasons…. Its not that we can’t…. I made this choice…. Right?
I would be a great mother. I have books, resources, a childs library, family bible studies, etc. That I have been saving for my own child since my teens. I love and hate other women who have been blessed with babies. I struggle at my job dealing with abusive parents and those who don’t put their child first…. Why do they get to have kids and I don’t?
Hi Robyn, very tough. And actually a common reason partners do indeed split. Would you two consider hashing this out with a couples counsellor? As this sort of silence without real resolution is toxic. If you can’t talk about it with each other, a good couples counsellor would create a very safe space and give you the tools to do so.
I am married 6 years ago and ttc since 4 years…so far no luck as i have pcod with severe irregularities in menstrual cycle… some times i use to bleed 3 months continuously..i lost hope in medicine and started my own research with diet & life style changes .. now my periods are almost regular … some relief with that but still struggling to be a Mom …lost interest in everything due to hidden depression which was not known to my family members as well…i’m 33 and husband is 37 .. worried about age too…wish i should come out this depression soon
Sara, sounds like you are very stressed, plus you say you are depressed. Don’t think that these issues aren’t more than enough to seek proper support with in the form of some counselling or therapy, they definitely are. 33 is still young, there is still time, but being very stressed won’t help, and sounds like you don’t feel supported by those around you, so do consider it. Best, HT
It’s a horrible feeling, every day goes by and you know you’ve wasted years of your life trying to make other people happy, all the while being told there’s no point being married or having kids, when the people that told me that for years all were or are married and have kids.
I even managed to help a friend who never really had a proper relationship to date someone I knew that he got on with, they are now married and have a kid. Can you imagine the feeling when me and my partner, who had just suffered a miscarriage, then found out they were expecting. Against all odds the pregnancy progressed as they had a lot of medical issues and weight problems.
I spent years as a really shy guy, always being asked why I wasn’t married and had no kids. To be honest I was in my 20s and not too bothered at the time. But now it’s too late, I was trying everything to settle down in my late 30s/early 40s to no avail.
Seemed like I was set out to fail from day one. It’s really painful now watching school friends becoming grandparents, when I’ve no hope of ever becoming a parent. In high school instead of teaching kids to avoid pregnancy they should teach them to start early so they don’t suffer this and miss out when they are older.
Hi Andrew, sounds like you are in mourning. When we are in mourning we can feel really angry. Our mind can then get trapped in cognitive distortions, like black and white thinking and assumptions and block us from seeing the other possibilities or perspectives. Give yourself time to work all this out, and if you can’t seem to get out of this fury, then do consider reaching out for some counselling. We think in time you’ll realise things aren’t as cut and dried as they feel right now. Best, HT.
This article really hits home for me. I’m a 45 year old man and have been married to the same woman (also 45) for almost 12 years, now. She has a child from her previous marriage, but we have been unable to have any together, although we did go through a miscarriage 9 1/2 years ago. She had had a myriad of health problems, and conceiving a child has been far down the list. I don’t blame her, but I feel even more alone because she has a son, so she’ll never know what it’s like to be completely childless. It’s something I will always have to live with and it makes me feel like my life has no meaning and that I have nothing to look forward to. I’m very bitter and depressed.
Hi Mark, have you openly, clearly, and without blame discussed this with her? It’s not a great thing to have hanging between you and we’d imagine if she knew you felt this upset about it there might be a way you could find a solution together or at the very least resolution. If you find it difficult to talk, don’t overlook a couples counsellor. They don’t tell you what to do or think, they just help you both communicate in productive ways and find solutions that work for you. Best, HT.
Dear Harley,
I’m 56, married to my 2nd husband, but with no children. I always expected to have a family and tried ICSI with my first husband (late-aged 37),but sadly to no avail. 6 weeks before marrying my 2nd husband (age 49- stupidly late but healthy, hormonal and hopeful) I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Chemotherapy pushed me through the menopause and here I am STILL struggling with being childless. My concern is….does therapy really help…or will it make me more depressed if I focus on the problem rather than try to carry on regardless as I’ve been trying for the last 7 years?
Hi there Liz. Therapy isn’t a magic wand. It requires a lot of effort and commitment and can be hard work. But generally, yes, it is worth it. And generally we go for one issue convinced it’s the only thing upsetting us and instead find out we are far more complicated. And when we unpick our grief/upset/sadness, we can find other strands. So if you did go to therapy, the benefit might be even bigger than you think as more might be affected than just this one issue. But again, it would require time and commitment to see results. We’d also say with this issue in particular there can be no safe space to really let go about it in daily life, to let go of the anger and say all you really want to say without fear of being judged or upsetting others. Therapy creates that safe space. Best, HT.
I’m 36 and all my life could not find a suitable partner. Nobody has ever wanted me – which has left me feeling completely unwanted, rejected and worthless as a human being. And now I am unmarried and childless, while all of my friends and family members are long time married with children. I feel so depressed and isolated, I can’t even function most days. Nobody understands what I go through as I’m too ashamed to even talk about it. And even when I do talk about it, nobody responds or knows what to say. When people ask why I’m still single and don’t have any kids, I don’t know what to say. I honestly feel like I’m one of these leftover guys who doesn’t get to have a family of his own. For women and involuntary childlessness, there isn’t much out there in terms of resources, help or support. But when it comes to men, there is absolutely nothing out there. Nobody cares! They just assume you don’t want children or that there’s something seriously wrong with you. And the difference with men is that you also get treated with suspicion and fear around children like you’re a paedophile or something. Which is totally untrue! Being a chronically single man, without any kids, I’ve got nothing to look forward to in life, and there is an empty hole in my heart everyday, which leaves me thinking “what the hell is the point?” What is my purpose? There isn’t one.
Hi Clayton, on a good note, unlike women, there is less of a time line to sort this out. Some men have children as late as their 70s. But we don’t think this is actually about having kids or not. We think this is about low self-esteem, depression, a low sense of self, possible relating issues, and a mind that is trapped in cognitive distortions. this won’t just change if you have kids, it will just create further issues, and indeed affect the way you parent, imagine the stress it puts on a child who actually senses the parent is pinning all their happiness on them. Children are not a solution to deeply rooted unhappiness. All these things need dealing with, they won’t just vanish by themselves, and we would highly recommend therapy not just as we are a therapy company but because in this case you really need someone to talk to who does understand. We truly believe therapy could make a huge difference in your life. It’s not a magic wand, it takes time, perseverance, at times it can be hard, but we feel the results would be worth it. Best regards, HT.
I am 56. I never found a partner willing to have a child with me. I am separated from my husband who told me two years into our Marriage that he didn’t want children (he already had a son). I decided to stay with him and raise his son. He has decided he no longer wants to be married to me, I have struggled with depression since my father died when I was 21. I lost all sense of security and was fearful of losing my husband more than having a child. At this point I go to family gathering after family gathering and see everyone with children and grandchildren and realize I am alone. My stepson is a good young man but am fearful I will lose him too. I feel very alone now and wish I had left my husband years ago and taken a risk to have a child on my own. Too late now.
Why would any sane person want to have children, when the world is full of pain, malice, greed, wars, corruption, famine, and poverty? Human rights are violated all over the place, people can’t feel safe anywhere, war can come at any moment and you’re forced to fight because conscription is a thing, whether you like it or not. Is that something a responsible person would want for their child?
You can’t guarantee your child will live a happy life, you can only hope – which is basically gambling with that child’s life. You hope everything will be fine. But what if it won’t be fine? You don’t take a loan thinking “maybe it will be fine”. You plan everything to the slightest detail to make sure you’ll be able to pay it back. Because if you won’t be able to pay, it’s YOUR life that will be ruined and YOU will face the consequences.
When it comes to having a child, they don’t seem to be thinking this way. Why? Because when something bad happens, it won’t be YOU who must live with consequences. It will be THEM. If they’re born with some nasty disease, it’s THEM who will truly suffer, not you.
And you won’t be around to help them forever. One day you’ll be gone, and they’ll be left alone, forced to deal with all the malice of the world on their own. I think it’s insanely cruel, thus I’m not planning to have any children, ever.
I didn’t ask to be born, everything was perfectly fine for 15 billion years of my nonexistence. When I didn’t exist, I didn’t have thoughts like “oh how I’d love to be born, how I’d love to explore and learn and love and feel”. I didn’t miss the feeling of not being alive. No, I didn’t exist, so I felt nothing – and it wasn’t bad at all. And I prefer to my potential children to remain in that state, where they don’t have to worry about anything. They don’t miss life, just like I didn’t miss it when I didn’t exist.
I can’t change what already happened, I can’t be “unborn” (keep in mind that suicide is a completely different thing and not an easy one, due to our innate “will to survive” that comes bundled together with the “miracle of life”) but I can change the future and make a change by not bringing more people to suffer in this mad world.
I’m 34, I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be a mum, it’s felt like my purpose in life and I honestly thought I’d have my big happy family by the time I was 25. I’ve been in a relationship for 13 years. He was aware of all of this very early on and that it’s extremely important to me.
As the years go on the void is getting bigger and bigger but this year it’s hit me like a tonne of bricks and I just can’t shake it!!! I actually think about it multiple times a day now. I distance myself from people with kids and just kids in general because I can’t let my brain do it’s brain thing and make me sad and think.
I know I still have a window, though getting smaller and smaller. I can’t help but feel hurt that the man I’ve committed to keeps brushing the kid talk off like he has forever, I unfortunately don’t and I don’t know how I could live a happy and fulfilled life not doing the one thing I’ve wanted from life.
I can’t and won’t make him come around out of guilt, that’s not how I want to bring a child into the world. I was raised by a man who didn’t want me (accidental pregnancy) for 9 years and I could never do that to a child, I need them to be wanted by all.
I’ve also only just realized what is going on with me and why I’m actually feeling the way I am. I could not read this article nor write my comment without a steady flow of tears, I’m just so sad, the realization that it just actually might not happen for me, kills me inside and I don’t know what to do.
I’m 44 and my birthday is tomorrow, and just another reminder that my chances of getting pregnant has dwindled even further . I’m married to a wonderful man for the last ten years. We started off married life so optimistic and looking back we were so naive, we just assumed it was all going to be so easy – 3 maybe 4 kids . But alas it wasn’t to be and after the first year and much discussion we agreed that there must be a problem however my husband wasn’t keen on being poked and proded and the fact that we really couldnt afford IVF we agreed to leave it in God’s hands. Fast forward 10 years and we are still “childless” , I hate that word , It implies that I am less of a woman and in fairness that is really how I feel, I’m inadequate ,abnormal even . I feel that there’s something wrong with me, God must have his reasons for not giving us a child – I must be a bad person, I would be a bad mother etc etc. I can’t talk to anyone about this except my husband ( and i think he is even tiring of the sadness that envelopes me when i speak of it) . I have friends and family who sometimes brooch the subject but I just brush it off as quickly as possible before I break down . Recently I think the sadness has been further compounded with the arrival of my niece’s babies, I am delighted that my nieces are now mothers but selfishly seeing my young nieces living the role I have so longed for has shattered me . My arms ache for a baby of our own and I don’t want to burden my husband with how devasted I am so I cry when he’s not here or when he is sleeping . I hope that one day soon I’ll be able to accept that this is my life and be happy for the wonderful husband , family and friends that I have but this hole in my heart will be so hard to fill.
Nora
I am a 44 year old male been with my wife for 14 years (married 9 and a half) and we are still nowhere near having children as she put it off to study at university and qualify as a nurse 5 years ago (shes about to turn 40)
Ive pretty much given up hope of ever having children (which has been my lifelong dream) not sure she even wants them (told me for years she does but i dont believe her) we havent had sex in 2 and a half years (babies dont come along without it lets face it) we argue constantly to the point about whether we will ever have one where life would be easier if i didnt want children or it wasnt so important to me…the jealousy and emvy i feel of those who have children is horrendous (especially at Christmas)
All i do is keep seeing the worst case scenario that im never going to have a child of my own and it makes me thing life wont be worth living and whats the point
I am a 44 year old female who is childless not by medical issues but because for my entire life I never met a man who wanted to commit to me. I wanted to get married and have children all my life. I finally met a man for the first time last year who wants me as a girlfriend which I’m grateful for. He is my first bf. But sadly i am now too old and he has no interest in having more kids (hence will not go through ivf)or getting married again. When I see how close he is with his kids, when I see how close all my friends are with their kids it makes me sad and bitter that I will never have that since it is all I have ever wanted. I don’t see a future or any purpose for me left but fake being happy as I am ashamed to tell anyone how I really feel. I gave up hope at 40 when the last of my single gfs married and started having babies as I realised if it hasnt happened by now it never will and I was correct. The only reason I am with this man is because we met at work and it just happened that he was divorced so I went with the flow out of curiosity to see if i am actually finally worthy enough to have a someone want to be in a relationship with me. He is nice to me and treats me like a gf which is a far cry from what I am use to. I am secretly depressed and now am just plotting along life as I have no reason to make plans for the future without children. I don’t have the guts to end my life but I pray every day that I don’t live a long life…
I am 42, will be 43 in a few months. A year and half ago I broke up with my partner after 5 years. The main reason of the breakup was that he finally told me he didn’t want to have a family. I was clear from the beginning that I wanted a family, but every time he was saying he was not ready yet, and I waited. I feel I made a massive mistake in not breaking up before, I am full of regrets. Also, just after we split, I met another guy I liked and we had unprotected sex and he ejaculated inside me multiple times. In that occasion I felt I got pregnant, but the guy disappeared, and I was overwhelmed by the fear of growing a child on my own, the sadness of not being able to share things with someone, and I started to panic thinking the baby might be disable, I felt all the hardness of being a single parent. Plus the relationship with my partner had just stopped and somehow I was hoping he would be back, which didn’t happen. I also thought it might have been hard, with a child, to find a new partner. So I took a pill to stop the pregnancy, if there was any. Immediately after, I regretted my decision, I tried to vomit the pill, took many other medicines I thought might contrast the pill’s effect, but my period came when it was due. After that time, I had an incredible sense of loss and grief, I thought the Universe had given me a last chance of having a baby, and I had thrown it away for fear. I became massively depressed. I found myself having to overcome the grief for the end of my lon-term relationship, and the missing of a child. I became so depressed I was not able to work anymore and left my job and I have been pretty much unemployed since. I then had moments where I was feeling better and hopeful again. I subscribed to co-parenting and sperm-donor websites, however I never felt ready or courageous enough to go for it on my own. Everytime a friend is getting pregnant I feel horrible, and guilty for feeling this way. I feel hopeless and desperate. When having my period, I used to have a sense of grief, but now I don’t feel even that. I feel paralysed, unable to take any decision, I would like to have a child but my idea was to have it with a partner I love, not with a stranger, or on my own. I’m also thinking that I would be a depressed mother for this child, and I know parenthood takes so much energy. I don’t even have the positivity for dating men, I’m just too scared of failing at this point, because I’m conscious the time is so short now, that I’m just in a state of panic and paralysis, plus I would not want to meet a guy only for the purpose of parenthood, and it would take time to get to know each other. I’m angry at myself, and angry at my ex-boyfriend. I still remember when he broke up with me, and was telling me women can have kids until 49/50, and I would still had plenty of time for finding someone else: I think what a moron, he doesn’t have any sense of reality. I seriously feel a total failure in my life, carreer-wise too, and I live in a foreign Country, and I don’t know where to start from to improve things, i don’t feel any direction and I lack the energy to make any change, and I watch my last days of semi-fertility getting to an end.
Hi,
I’m in the midst of this now, about to hit 35 with a partner of 8 years who wants kids but thinks we aren’t ready due to his (as yet undiagnosed) fatigue condition and my eating disorder. There is still a vanishing slim chance we can have a child if we can start soon, and I love him and can’t bring myself to end it for the slight chance of having a child solo. It’s all I wanted since I was 8, and I get more depressed every week as the hope dims.
Then I think to myself with my mental health I wouldn’t be a good mother anyway, so maybe the universe is doing the right thing to stop me.
Seeing pregnant women and babies makes me cry (which can be hard to hide in public) and I now try to avoid kids even though I love them.
I never thought this would be my life, I don’t have hobbies, I don’t have friends. I have a job, a therapist, a partner who is always tired and can’t do much. I have depression, low self-esteem, eating issues, attachment issues and ADHD. I have wanted to die for years but it would hurt my mum so I keep trying to make a life where I might be happy but it never works.
How do I lean to cope? How can I be happy if the only thing I want is a family, and that’s not going to happen.
I’m here for reasons different from most. I have, for the first time in my life begun to lose hope in this dream. I’m finishing university soon, and I moved from Eastern Europe to the West for studies. While it came with many benefits, I see that almost no girl in my city that I know is single wants kids. Those that do are taken and still being chased by other guys. I am not of the most attractive batch and am slightly shy so it doesn’t help my case. My ex was a person who loved the idea of a family, but she is my ex so there’s little point in looking back. I have gotten many comments when the topic of family comes around and I express my desire to have kids one day. I am told I’m a patriarchal manipulator, evil person, woman-hater and other lovely names. Recently another wave of sadness from being alone for a long time hit, and now I’m thinking of giving up. Love is a compromise, and not all dreams can come true. The question is can I sacrifice my biggest dream? I know it’s a hard job, which is why I went into a competitive field. I want to be the best provider and caretaker for a family and that is the belief that pushed me through higher education. I don’t know if I can tolerate being with a partner that commits only to the now and not to the future. I’m even thinking of ending it all once my parents pass. It’s a big haze. I feel like I was sold a lie and now I will rot away alone for it.
Like many others here, I’ve been going through the same feelings and thoughts stated above. I’m a 40 year old male and my wife just turned 36. We’ve been married for 3 years. After the last 2 years of no success, we both made appointments to get ourselves checked out. We both saw specialists and after a couple rounds of tests, it was confirmed my wife is unable to have children. Even if we were to conceive, it would be unlikely for the baby to reach 5 months in the womb based on my wife’s condition. It’s been 7months since we received the news but everyday hurts just as bad as the last. I was fortunate to grow up around my extended family and always had a great relationship with my parents and siblings. Having children was something I looked forward to and something I assumed would be part of our future. These last few months, I’ve grown bitter, angry and unmotivated. It seems everyone we know is having children and as happy as we are for them, it eats at my soul. I’ve lost my faith and any hope of a happy/content life has been drained out of me. My wife has started therapy but I just don’t see the point of it.
I am 58 with no husband and no children. I have become okay I guess with being alone. I have learned that there is no success without cooperation. This must be the soul contract I signed before I got here.
I was sad today at the park. I was the only one eating alone… again. I cried again like I am right now writing this. In the park I looked at ducks, turtles, the sky and flowers. The stars at night make me ponder. Why? I remain.
Hi,
I am 45, I contacted a fertility clinic over two years ago and told them that I wanted treatment before I was 44 as because of my OCD I knew that if they didn’t I wouldn’t start to panic. I have eggs frozen from before with them. After I contacted the clinic my partner who I had moved back from Spain to be with again in order to try for a baby said he wouldn’t go through treatment, I did not know how to react, we had been trying naturally for the year since I moved back from Spain I had gone to the GP with a mid cycle bleed within that year and it had I thought been blamed on the tablets I was taking to lower my prolactin in order to try to get pregnant. An incident happened between me and my partner we were both angry and the police were called and he was taken away from the flat we shared. The clinic knew I would be using donor sperm and they provided counselling for this during that counselling I mentioned what had happened, the incident made the clinic nervous in terms of safety and this is I think why they waiting to book the hycosy for the IUI till after I turned 44, 7 months after my first appointment with the clinic. I was 44 I flipped it was too much I sent them an email saying that I didn’t think I could live with myself if nothing worked, they then refused treatment. The hycosy was cancelled and an appointment was made for me with the clinic’s doctor again. My mum took me in a screaming state to the GP who prescribed mirtazapine. The next day I was supposed to go to court, I didn’t go because I didn’t want anything to happen to my partner. I had the appointment with the doctor who said that they couldn’t treat me unless I provided psychological evidence. I began to sleep with different guys on my ovulation days as my boyfriend would not forgive me for giving a statement even though I didn’t go to court to get him off. I started to try to get the psychological evidence. I felt like time was running out so I contacted different clinics where I thought I could try an IUI, I wanted to try IUI not IVF as I had vaginismus so sex was sometimes difficult and I needed diazapam to have sex which I started getting off the dark web knowing that I couldn’t just hope I was able to have sex on the ovulation days but that I needed to be sure I could. All the guys I was sleeping with were friends who knew what I was doing, I had been clear with them, I hadn’t told them I was sleeping with other people but apart from that I was clear. The clinic I found did a basline scan and found a big polyp that they said would have been stopping implantation, I organised to get it removed and got it done privately as soon as I could and had the hycosy and the IUI with donor sperm but it failed, while I was waiting to see if it would work the original clinic came back to me saying I had provided the psychological evidence, I had been referred for cognitive behavoural therapy by the NHS and had had the assessment so the clinic felt that I would get the ghelp I needed I was also working as a TEFL teacher full time. They wanted to go ahead with me using some of my frozen eggs but in the January, the month before I would turn 45 as no clinic said that they could treat me in December because of Christmas. I bought more donor sperm, January came my period started I started taking the estrogen tablets and bam something snapped in me I started walking to A&E I could eat or sleep and I was phoning crisis line screaming I won’t be able to live with it if it doesn’t work and I would be using some of my only chance, the clinics had told me that IVF would probably not work so best chance was the eggs. I couldn’t let them do it, I tested for ovulation even though I shouldn’t have ovulated because of the estrodial and I had and I asked my former partner to have sex with me, I wanted to try naturally with him without the polyp before I turned 45 when I had read it was all over. I told the clinic what I had done and they cancelled the cycle, the doctor made an appointment to talk to me. My parents started driving me to a family friends colleague a clincal psychologist asking him to help me because I couldn’t move I was trapped in a constant state of horror screaming all the time. I didn’t know whether to take the estrodial or not as I had tried, I asked the clinic they said if I stop taking it I will bleed, if I don’t I will bleed, my period was 7 days late I was walking to A&E everyone of those days screaming that I can’t live. I started to try to work in a call centre I tried to continue my masters by going down to London once a week but the Freud freaked me out so I changed to gothic horror and the themes were the same, blood lines inheritance, the mother saving the world, I was in a hororr, Everytime after the call centre all I wanted with diazepam and not anymore just for sex. I begged for it at A&E, I went to Liverpool to stay with a lesbian couple, teachers I had worked with, to try to socialise, but I didn’t really know them and I didn’t know why I was there, they lived near the house I was a child in, in Liverpool I drove to it and cried and prayed to the door. The doctor from the clinic said why did you cancel, I said I was scared, she said well you can’t be you have to as my mum had said push through it, trust them and go with the flow and that I needed to do it as sson as possible because my body was getting older. I was walking to A&E everyday. They suggested I go into hospital, the home treatment team who were seeing me had upped my mirtazapine to 45mg and were considering quetiapine and they refered me to the perinatal mental health service because they knew I wanted treatment. I spoke on the phone to the perinatal team and they said that diazapam wasn’t good, then I freaked out that I’d caused my period. It was getting closer and closer to 45, I didn’t know what to do. I had ordered a helium cannister from amazon to kill myself. The home treatment team said that I needed hospital, I came back to the empty flat from the call centre and they said it’s time I said Oh, they said you have 15 mins, I ran to tescos to get another ovulation kit as I knew I would need one in hospital but that if I ovulated before turning 45 i would have to escape the ward. As I was walking back from tescos on the walls to my flat on the walls there were two people in boiler suits asking people if they were Jane, I said I am they said go upstairs and be quick I said okay went up grapped lube, dilator, ovulation kits few knickers, laptop and wore just tracksuit, I phoned my former partner he said don’t do it don’t go I said I don’t know what else to do that I couldn’t live he said he was coming to stop it but he was too late I was in the white van being taken on the motorway. He called on the phone to me and said he wanted to talk to them he was screaming at them that they were taking me against my will. I was in Clatterbridge, I felt safe, I was ill I was going to be taken care off they were going to take it all away. I looked in the mirror there, this was the hospital where my mum had had me her first baby, I was so jealous of her, it was here where me who would never have a baby would have to be to make the torment even worse. This is where it would end, the place where I had begun. I was there six weeks they were the best six weeks of this year, I was released in April I didn’t want to be, after they released me I kept trying to walk back going to A&E on the way rocking back and forth and screaming take it away. I had an appointment with the perinatal mental health team who okayed the medication of venlafaxine 75mg, quetiapine to be reduced from 200mg to 100mg, the community mental health had upped it to keep me away from A&E where they just tell me we can’t help you and I say I’ll walk to a solution, and 45mg mirtazapine. For the last 6 months since hospital every month I thought I would be getting treatment but the perinatal mental health team letter took ages to come through and then the clinic said that they needed the go ahead from the GP and Community mental health. At the beginning of last month the clinic told me that they couldn’t treat me because they couldn’t risk my mental health if it didn’t work or if it worked. I am currently trying to get the clinic who diagnosed the polyp and who I had the IUI with to agree to treat me so that I can move my eggs there as the original clinic has flat out refused to treat me. I have been seeing an infertility counsellor fortnightly since February who is trying to help me get the bravery to try the eggs. I hope I can get treatment before I am 46. I can see that going into hospital wasn’t clever. I have tried naturally for a year now since the polyp was removed to no success. The weeks before my period I will start walking to A&E again. I have been writting to dignitas for almost a year. I last weeked teaching back to back lessons with teenagers on the 3rd of November as I had to refuse other work first because I was driving to the clinic for the vaginal scans for the IUI and then I did because I thought well I thought for this whole year that I would be having treatment. Miraculously my amh hasn’t changed since January as I had insisted it was tested even though I was planning to try the frozen eggs because well I knew I was scared to try even some of the frozen eggs. Google and facebook groups drive me crazy. I have started rumination OCD therapy through David Veale, the guy Peter Kinderman who I had been seeing before hospital kept telling me that I shouldn’t try the eggs that i’d left it all too late so should decide not to try to have a child, I didn’t understand it seemed like he was winding me up. The therapist who I’m seeing through Overcoming OCD seems okay but she says I need to work on the rumination and delay treatment, this is not an option, treatment should have happened ages ago, if I hadn’t lost my nerve. I am volunteering in the autism hub as they think I have autism and I felt I needed to do something, I go to this mental health cafe well I practically live there, through hospital and now I have maintained my weekly lesson with the child I have taught online in Madrid for four years, since returning. It’s the polyp, that the GP didn’t diagnose it when I went to them with the mid cycle bleed, that I can’t take and that the original clinic didn’t diagnose it the year after in the initial appointment which they advertise they do a baseline scan in but didn’t ever do for me. I blame myself for not reminding the GP I was trying, but I thought they knew as I was taking those tablets to lower prolactin. I blame myself for freaking out last March, I blame myself for freaking out in January, if I was too scared to use the eggs I could have tried I few IVF’s and tried to freeze some embryos what I was talking to the other clinic about before I went into hospital. I basically don’t know how to live I have been in a constant state of horror for maybe 10 months and it hasn’t subsided it’s not changed. That the original clinic have said that I can’t be treated because of my state makes me feel like such a failure and shows they have no faith in me and makes me feel that I can’t do it that they are right and that everytime I try i will cancel treatment or I will keep trying treatments that won’t work instead of something that has some chance. Sometimes in hospital I felt safe sometimes when they all say no I feel safe like they’ve made the decision, that it isn’t that I can’t have children it’s that they won’t allow me too that maybe they are trying to keep me safe. But I need to convince the GP and Community mental health that I am okay so that they can now that the other clinic has contacted tell them they can go ahead. I am a lost soul, I don’t even know who I am anymore I certainly have no control over my faculties I am never comfortable I haven’t been comfortable in 10 months or more I think the only reason I was a bit better before was because I was doing summer school last year and throwing myself into it. I asked my school if can go back to work, but I don’t know if I can teach again. I went to the gateway women event last weekend and I felt like I was in a horror and phoned my parents screaming at them, I repeatedly send messages that I am in hell, I can’t live and I’m scared to my mum and my former partner. I guy, a friend I was sleeping with was staying with me for a bit but I think it’s draining for him because I go to sleep and wake up in horror.