Letting Go and Moving On Hard? This Might Be Why
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 9, 2023
photo by Mario Azzi
by Andrea M. Darcy
Holding onto partners and friendships long past their expiry date? Or can’t seem to leave a depressing job?
Letting go and moving on is never easy.
But if you find it harder than most, it might mean there are deeper issues at play.
Just not the letting go and moving on type?
Yes, personality can have something to do with it. You might be prone to ‘agreeableness’, considered one of the ‘big five’ personality traits in psychology, that leaves you less likely to cause upset or change (shown by research to be genetic).
But if we are not letting go and moving on when the relationship or situation is actually unhappy and unhealthy, then there are generally psychological issues at play.
Is this a pattern?
We all want to think we are very independent and think for ourselves.
But unless we have taken the time to do some inner work, and question our beliefs and behaviours? We can be simply living out our learnings from childhood, for better or worse.
Developmental psychology calls the way we learn to behave and think from the caregivers around us ‘modelling’ or ‘observational learning’.
The famous experiment here is called “The Bobo doll experiment“, carried out by psychologist Albert Bandura in the 1960s. Children who watched adults get away with or rewarded for aggressive behaviour toward a blow up doll were more likely to then repeat that negative behaviour themselves. Bandura’s research also showed that children are more likely to imitate authority figures, like parents.
If your parents stuck out a relationship long past the expiry date, and were rewarded by approval by their parents and peers, you could still as an adult be modelling this behaviour.
Think this doesn’t apply as you are ‘the exact opposite’ of your parents? Perhaps one of your childhood authority figures was always in and out of relationships or jobs. Your focus on doing the opposite can mean you are still controlled by that pattern, just its flip side.
Whose values are you living?
You might also living out your family’s values instead of your own. If your family has a ‘loyalty to the death’ value, and you haven’t taken the time to sit down and question what your own values are?
Then you might be sticking out a situation and feeling tired all the time because your own values are actually authenticity and freedom.
Know you should leave, but feel oddly comfortable?
image by Yoann Boyer
In a relationship you know isn’t great, but feel oddly ‘at home’?
It’s time to get honest about what you learned ‘home’ was. If ‘home’ as a child was unstable, then your comfort zone simply won’t be healthy relationships.
It’s time to stop seeking your current feeling of ‘home’, and work at recreating a healthier version of home.
Psychological issues that keep you trapped
Think it’s something bigger than just learned behaviours and values keeping you stuck? What psychological issues and disorders might be stopping you from letting go when you should?
Low self-esteem
Convinced that the job you are in is the best you can do? Or that you should stay with a partner you aren’t even happy with as ‘it could be worse’? Low self-esteem stops us from moving forward.
Anxious attachment
Do you find yourself an anxious mess each time you are in a relationship? And does your anxiety leave you such a mess you are exhausted? To the point you wonder if maybe it’s a relationship you shouldn’t be in, but you are too tired to do anything about it?
Attachment theory states that we need at least one reliable caregiver as an infant and young child to give us unconditional love and keeps us safe. Failing that, we end up with ‘attachment issues’, such as anxious attachment, where we feel we need to win love.
Codependency
A close cousin of anxious attachment, codependency means we take our self worth from what others think of us. We choose relationships where we gain approval by care taking and over giving.
Our identity becomes so tied up to the other’s approval we can find it hard to walk away, not knowing who we are without the other.
Personality disorders
Personality disorders mean that we see ourselves, others, and the world in a different way than others.
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) means that we have a fear of being abandoned and experience emotions more intensely than others. So we’ll get caught in a push pull pattern over walking away.
Dependent personality disorder means you attach to one person and feel unable to cope without them.
Histrionic personality disorder can mean you see a big romance even if it’s not really there, and become hooked on making that person love you.
Trauma bonding
If you are actually in a relationship where there is a certain level of abuse going on, whether that is physical, sexual, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or even economic abuse? And the worse it gets, the more incapable you feel of leaving?
Unresolved childhood trauma can create a reliance on being traumatised, called ‘trauma bonding’. The brain becomes addicted to the peacemaking and compliments that come after the abuse.
**If this is you, it’s very important you seek support and help. See our list of free UK help lines here which can be an anonymous and confidential starting point. Or see the NHS pages about help for domestic abuse.
How can I start letting go and moving on?
As you might be guessing by now, the reasons you can’t let go and move on often have far less to do with the other person, and much more to do with you, and the unresolved unconscious beliefs and childhood issues that are running your life.
There are many tools that can help with stepping into self-awareness and personal power. Journalling, mindfulness, and self-help books are a great start.
If you think it’s a question of identifying your own values and limiting beliefs, working with a coach can be useful.
But if this is a long standing pattern for you? Constantly feeling trapped by your own passivity? Or suspect you need to look at childhood trauma, or a possible personality disorder? A counsellor or psychotherapist can help you identify and resolve your past trauma, as well as find better ways of dealing with your present, so that your future becomes a choice you are proud of.
Ready to get unstuck and move on for once and for all? We connect you to some of London’s best talk therapists. Or use our booking platform to find a UK-wide therapist or online counsellor now.
Andrea M. Darcy is a mental health and wellbeing expert and mentor, with training in person-centred counselling and coaching. She often writes about trauma, relationships, and ADHD. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
Hi, I’m not sure if this is the right section but I’ve been thinking about this for some time now. I experienced several traumatic situations growing up such as being bullied in school and in university etc. I have started to recover from these experiences now by processing the memories as an adult and dealing with the emotions I was suppressing from those experiences.
I feel like I’ve now healing and recovering but I’m not sure what “recovery” and letting go and moving on is. I’m not sure if moving on means processing the emotions that came with the event, and then living your life as if those experiences never happened. As in your past experiences no longer affect you mentally and emotionally and they have no impact on your view of life, the way you see yourself, the way you interact with other people. Almost like a clean slate.
Or does moving on mean acknowledging and accepting what you experienced as part of your life story and moving through life carrying those experiences within you and have them living inside of you for good?
What if the experiences involved neglect or emotional abuse from when you were growing up? Does the above still apply in terms of recovery? Is moving on meaning to live life where your childhood has no effect on your adult life experiences and live life as if your upbringing was healthy, loving and nurturing?
Hi there. It’s a good question. Healing and wellbeing are not an exact science or math, and your life is up to you. So you of course get to choose what ‘moving on’ is going to be for you personally. But from a psychological viewpoint, you can’t undo your experiences, there is no clean slate, and maybe question why do you want there to be? Do you struggle to accept yourself as you are? Experiences form who you are. Try to realise that while things like trauma are very unfortunate and can leave us with difficult symptoms, they also make us strong, empathetic, and sensitive. So if we deny our experiences we also deny the gifts they offer. In summary, there feels a sense of discomfort with being you in your comment, like you want to be someone else. The path of self discovery and inner healing is a journey, not a destination. There is no ‘I’m here! I’m all healed and perfect!’ moment. We deal with one thing, life throws another curve ball, we get triggered, or we have new issues, and on it goes. Life is messy. People are messy. You will be messy, but so will everyone else, whether they hide it well or not. The more you can accept that life is messy, and accept yourself and your life and those around you, the easier things get. Best, HT
Hi I’m Nicki and I’m only 18. 7 months ago my boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me and I was devastated because I did not see it coming. I was his first partner but he was not mine. He moved on pretty quickly from our relationship and I was so heartbroken. I believed that he was my person. He was my best friend and my rock. So now it’s 7 months later, I’ve been putting myself out there, but every time I meet someone, I never get a connection. In my head I think that these guys could be someone I could actually get to know and take things further with. But I always feel nothing. No attraction, no crush-like feeling, no connection, nothing. Even with guys who are handsome in thought and I have a lot in common with. I used to be able to develop feeling for people people I met before my most recent relationship. I don’t know why it’s impossible to feel anything now. Is this because I was so heartbroken? Will I ever be able to move on? I still think about my ex all the time. Sometimes he’s still in my dreams. But he’s in a relationship now. Why do I feel so numb towards any great guy who would give me a chance? Is this normal?
Hi Nicki, yes, it’s normal to not suddenly like someone else after one relationship ends. 7 months is not that long if it lasted 2.5 years. It’s normal to take your time to meet another. You are very, very young. You have time. Many people don’t fall in love until their late twenties or even early thirties… or later! Slow down and focus on enjoying life, embracing your passions, setting life goals. Life is not a film, it’s not a book, and love is nothing like what the media feeds us.We see a lot of young people feeling very stressed their lives aren’t full of big ‘love’ but they are comparing their lives to totally and absolutely false ideas from films etc. We’d recommend you read our article on why you aren’t in love https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/i-want-to-fall-in-love-how-to.htm. Also read our guide to relationships https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/healthy-relationships-help-guide.htm. Again, the best thing you can do is relax, focus on yourself. On being yourself, learning what matters to you, living your life in a way that feels good. When we are feeling good and are in a good headspace we tend to naturally attract others, and when we are doing what we love we have a far higher chance of meeting people we have actual things in common with. Good luck! HT
I’ve been with someone for 20 yrs. He’s cheated, he talks about me behind my back even to my own family, he lies and breaks promises everyday, sometimes not even an hour after saying sorry. He says he’s like his dad lives in Peter pan world, jokes he’s 11yrs old when he’s 50. I have major depression, chronic bipolar 2, suicidal thoughts, cry too much, paranoid disorder, generalized anxiety, panic attacks, few others according to doctors. I’m igoing through menopause, but it gets bad everyday being with this man, a mother always trying to control me, I’m always trying to be what every one wants me to be that I don’t even know who the real me is. I’m afraid of being alone, now I can’t even go outside unless someone is with me. I have hard time saying no. People pleaser. Boyfriend had a stroke 2 yrs ago and got worst throws tantrums, throws thread on floor, trashes kitchen after I clean it. I have health issues carpal tunnel, knee problems migraines everyday, if I do too much I get where I can’t move my knee, or feel my hands. Yes stroke does change people, but he changes for 1 day clean do normal things, he refused to go back to doctor, he yells things outside knowing how I feel neighbors talk about me. Claims he loves me but doesn’t know why he treats me this way. I have to move out cause roof leaking landlord didn’t pay taxes so her house got sold and I’m doing all the packing til I can’t use hands or knee, he refuses to help. Yes he has a job. Messed up part landlord is my own mother. No car, if I get a ride I have to pay $20 or more just to go 3 miles to doctors. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how, I’m afraid, I don’t want this relationship, he refused to go, but I’m scared and don’t know how to just run far away from him family. I’ve been on so many mental meds but there’s no pill to fix this, so I stopped all meds. I can’t think straight, I do 10 things at once, I’m so overwhelmed I forget like short term memory. But I can remember every bad thing since I was 3 yrs old. Sorry I said to much. I guess I needed to vent. I have no friends I don’t want friends I get taken advantage of if I try to make a friend
Hi Theresa, sounds tough and exhausting. We want to gently point something out to you, and bear with us as we explain, as we are aware you are doing the best you can. Notice how almost all of your thoughts are of your partner and ways to blame him, or to blame your mother. You might even say you have a fixated mind, addicted. It incessantly seeks how others are at fault for everything, and only sees negative. When in reality life is never all negative, in every day there is at least one thing that goes right. But if we experienced childhood trauma, perhaps very difficult, even awful things, our mind becomes fixated in what is called the victim mentality. We then unconsciously make choices to keep ourselves in this way of being, such as choosing traumatic relationships or, say, choosing to live in a house owned by an unkind relative, so we are in constant suffering. We might also be caught up in what is called trauma bonding https://bit.ly/traumabondHT. Note that this is not a diagnosis. We don’t know you, we certainly can’t diagnose anyone over a comment. But we’d suggest that it’s normal you are afraid, terrified, lost, depressed. Your brain is ‘stuck’ in trauma mode. You might even have complex PTSD, ‘c-PTSD’. You are right, meds fix nothing, they mask symptoms. But to move forward we need support and we need to rewire our brains. Change is possible. It won’t happen overnight. It requires courage, commitment, and hard work. We’d highly suggest you read our article on therapies that work for trauma. http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma and do whatever you can to find support and help. Don’t expect to trust or even like any therapist at first. As you say, you trust nobody, a very common side effect of traumatic upbringings. You’ll have to stick out working with someone despite the discomfort if you want to see results. Regarding menopause, it certainly makes anxiety far worse, something that isn’t talked about enough. Worth talking about a doctor about, to see if you feel hormone supplementation is for you.
Best, HT.