Losing Something You Love – Why You Feel So Upset and When to Worry
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 6, 2023
By: Erich Ferdinand
by Andrea M. Darcy
Life can give, but it can also take away without warning. And we all know that when what is lost is a loved one or a relationship that matters, it can lead to bereavement and loss.
But what about losing something you love like an ongoing social event you’ve attended for years, a volunteering job you loved, some aspect of your health or fitness, or even an object that was very precious to you?
The emotional cost of losing something you love
It is absolutely possible to experience feelings of loss, bereavement and grief even if what we lost isn’t a person. This can look like:
- having mood swings
- feeling tired
- not wanting to do your usual activities
- anxiety and depression
- feeling vulnerable
- wanting to be alone
- sleep problems
- changes in eating patterns.
[Feel overwhelmed by any of the above? Visit our sister site harleytherapy.com to book online or phone counselling easily and quickly, worldwide.]
Why I am so upset about losing something I loved?
It is rarely the actual thing itself that we are mourning. It’s what the thing represented to us.
This can include things like:
- feeling like we belonged
- a sense of worth it gave us
- feeling connected to someone or something
- a belief we were responsible and trusted
- a sense of stability
- our social status.
By: Leo Hidalgo
So it’s not just that the weekly card came you’ve enjoyed for ten years has ended, it’s that with it has gone your sense of stability and belonging. You are not just losing your grandmother’s necklace you inherited, you are losing your sense of being responsible and feeling connected. Who wouldn’t mourn that?
But aren’t I overreacting?
Experiencing really big emotions around losing something you loved? It can be down to core beliefs and repressed emotions.
Core beliefs are the ideas we form about ourselves and the world when we are children. We then live out these assumptions as if they are facts, not even realising we are being controlled by them.
Losing something we care about can trigger these beliefs, which can sound like, ‘the world is a dangerous place’, ‘I deserve bad things’, ‘I can’t be trusted’.
Such thoughts are obviously distorted thinking. But they are what many of us unconsciously think.
By: Ruth Hartnup
And when our negative core beliefs are stirred up, it also triggers the repressed emotions connected to the difficult experiences that formed such beliefs. Suddenly we feel really sad, or really angry, not realising we are expressing years worth of backed up feelings, or what some call ‘being triggered’.
What can I do to feel better after losing something I loved?
1. Don’t beat yourself up.
It is actually okay and normal to be upset for weeks to come when you lose something you relied on.
Telling yourself to ‘stop being such a wimp’ or to ‘grow up’ is not helpful. Imagine you are talking to your best friend. Would you tell him/her to ‘not be so dramatic‘, or would you understand that losing something they valued has left them feeling vulnerable?
2. Give yourself time.
Consider it like a kind of mourning. Mourning takes time, and everyone has their own timeline here. You will move on when you are ready, and that is the perfect timing.
3. Do some digging.
The best way to get over something is often to go through it. If you can get to what is really going on for you, what the lost thing has triggered, then you can process the real issues and emotions.
Journaling can be great here, as can be talking to trusted friends. Free form discussion is good to see what comes up. But also ask yourself good questions that begin with how/what (why questions tend to be rabbit holes). This includes things like:
- what did losing this thing make me feel?
- how does my life now feel different than it did before the loss?
- if I could tell the object/experience/event that I lost something, what would it be?
- what might I have really lost here, behind the obvious?
- what goals could I set to get back that sense of worth/connection/trust in other ways?
When is the time to seek proper support?
If it’s been more than six weeks and you are still feeling low or edgy, it’s worth reaching out for professional support. It’s possible that the loss of something you loved has triggered anxiety or depression.
A professional counsellor or psychotherapist can help you unravel just what the loss has triggered for you, and create a warm, non judgemental environment for you to explore your feelings and thoughts.
For affordable counselling worldwide, please visit our sister site harleytherapy.com to book therapy seven days a week by online, phone or in person with our qualified, professional counsellors and psychotherapists.
Andrea M. Darcy is a health and wellbeing writer as well as mentor who often writes about trauma, relationships, and ADHD. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
this really helped me. thank you so much. i ah e been looking for something or someone to understand how i am feeling and everyone just tells me to get over it or that it is not a big deal. thank you again.
So glad it helped Lucy!
Thanks for this article. I have felt sort of crazy or embarrassed because of the emotions I’m feeling. I am going to try journaling.
We are so glad you found it helpful, and great to hear re the journalling! Now no need to feel crazy embarrassed because there are many people who go through exactly the same thing.
Even as I read your article, tears are streaming down my face. I lost my 1st anniversary ring (married 30 years ago) a month ago. I have posted on every lost & found site I can think of, phoned and visited everywhere i’d been. Of course the person who found it would never try to return it; rarely it happens. We can’t afford to replace it. I still think about a bracelet I lost 15 years ago & it makes my stomach clench, tears well up. It’s just something material, I know, but I feel the loss so much.
I am genuinely sad. I lost the ring my grandmother gave to me for my 15th birthday last year. It used to belong to her when she was around 30, so the ring is very old and was very precious to me. I don’t know how to cope with it, it was literally the most important object in my life and I lost it. Thank you for your post 🙂
We are very sorry to hear that Vale, and hope that the article helps you to feel less hard on yourself about it all!
Thank you.I lost my storage and had items as a child.Also had items that belonged to my grandmother, mother and sister they all are deceased. I been dreaming about them since it happened.I feel depressed and disappointed I couldn’t afford storage anymore.Thank you so much for the article.It helped.
We are so glad Anita. Items can also represent a sort of stability, a constant that we can rely on, if, say, we move around a lot and have things in storage. Losing them can make us temporarily feel we’ve lost a piece of ourselves and our identity. It’s normal and okay to feel really sad and mourn.
This is really helpful, it has made me understand my conflict, not being a material person yet still feel sad about things iv lost, I understand more now why , I will give this a lot more thought thank you
We are glad it helped Susan! Sometimes non materialistic people can be more moved by loss of objects, as when we are non-materialistic we care about other values like who the object came from or the experience they represented. As we aren’t materialistic we can’t just go out and ‘buy a new one’ as that is not what things are about for us. Best, HT.
I came here because I wanted to know why losing a collection of scooby-doo dvds hurt me so badly. I know have a good reason as to why, and that’s that I felt a sense of belonging, a sense of comfort and safety. I used to watch them when I was younger and that was when I was going through some serious stuff, warning a very heavy subject, sexual abuse namely. I used to put the movies on repeat during the day and watch them into the night and I would get so absorbed in them. I guess they held more value than I thought, heh
Hi Hunter, sounds like they were your solace in a tough time. They were your comfort. Have you ever thought to do some counselling around what happened? As sounds it’s still a source of upset and shame for you. It’s something a remarkably high number of children suffer (1 in 4 is the official number, we feel the reality is sadly much higher) and we work with many, many clients on this issue. The problem with not getting support to work through this sort of issue is that it tends to then affect all our relationships as well as our self-esteem and identity. If you did have the courage, we feel you’d find it very helpful. Best, HT.
I have question what causes you to almost punish yourself flr things u should have done differently or how u failed that person or animal? Is it shame that u are triggering inside of yourself to feel like you have paid for the mistakes you made?
Hi there. It can be triggered by low self-esteem. Shame and low self-esteem can come hand in hand as they can both come from childhood experiences where hard things happened that weren’t our fault but we’ve internalised as our fault. Or because an adult was very critical and hard on us and we learned to treat ourselves that way. We recommend you look into self-compassion, the idea is that you imagine you were a friend and try to treat yourself as kindly as you do your friends. Best, HT.
3 days ago my son ‘s new bike got thief outside our house…and i feel so very upset to the fact that i feel so tired and hopeless and while im typing this i feel so depress and angry on myself how can i cope this kind of emotion.please help me
Hi Cindy, often when we already have a lot of stress going on in life in all kinds of ways one exact incident like this, where it’s really beyond our control, can just be the sort of ‘final straw’. We just feel unable to cope. Our mind spins out, we start blaming ourselves, having negative thoughts. Having a bike stolen which you’ve saved for and bought to make a child happy is really awful. But imagine if your life was going really good right now, you had money to spare, great health, were in love… would you still be so blown over? You see we all can only handle so much. When we are facing challenges on all sides what would be easier at another time in life now knocks us over. We’d guess that you have had a lot of challenges and not enough support, does that sound about right? What has to happen is finding some sort of support. This can look like accepting we can’t navigate everything alone after all, and asking for practical support we’ve been too proud to ask for in the past. Like help with childcare, money, etc. And it can also look like getting some unbiased support in the form of counselling and therapy. If you are on a very low budget, there can still be help available. We have an article on how to find low cost or free counselling here.http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy
I just found that my lifetime collection of barrettes is missing. I have an idea of who took it but no one will believe me I am feeling very depressed and sick to my stomach. What should I do?
Hi Rekha, it’s hard to lose things that are important to us. Sometimes it just takes time for things to start to feel better. Try to do things that make you feel good and be around supportive people and see if in a few weeks you feel better. If not, and you might have anxiety that has been triggered by this lost, try to talk to someone you trust. Best, HT.
I lost my goods Wat over 800 hundred thousand naira in Nigeria corriense I deal on phones laptops and accessories I just went to makect my self and purchase it sent I display it in shop on come to the shop the next day I saw my shop open and empty I cried and my family still searching I have reported to police and to nabourhood watch am in pain right now please tell me what to do
Hi Victor sounds really tough. Life sometimes throws curve balls and we feel terrible and lost. We just need to let ourselves grieve for a few days, be angry and sad, and know that that is okay. That is part of being human, to sometimes be angry and sad. And then, when we are ready, we need to pick ourselves back up and remember that if we built something up for ourselves once, we can do it again. That we have our health, our family, our intelligence, that somehow, day by day, we can again build a future for ourselves. Best, HT.
I lost the one person in my entire life I couldn’t ever afford to lose and its killing me… its been 3 years and I my countless attempts to restart my life have failed time and time again. I have never been a man to trust easily and even more than that trust enough to love anyone but if you knew me like a small handful do then you would know how my life was from a kid to out on my own was and you would more than understand in fact like most you would praise me and ask how i’m not in a straight jacket in a padded room. My whole life I had never trusted anyone for the most part and I never let my defenses down or let anyone in especially in relationships. I have dated and been BF/GF with many girls over the years but i had never fallen for them in fact I ran a lot of the time when they became to attached afraid to let anyone in close enough to ever hurt me again. It wasn’t until I turned 30yrs old and working at a place as close to hell as possible and pretty sure the boss was a direct descendent of satan himself and I walk in only to see this gorgeous lil hottness walking out the door as i got to work one morning from an interview and as i about broke my neck turning my head the first thing I was told by the boss was DO NOT TALK TO HER SHE IS OFF LIMITS… which of course pretty much guaranteed i was going to talk to her and more just for telling me that. For a month I took every single opportunity to go to where ever she was in the office and chat it up and got to know her and she was the sweetest girl but also not boring either. She was also a new mom by about 7 months but I already had a son of my own which i had been a single dad for 8 years before that so kids were actually a good thing for me it usually meant a more stable person with priorities in order and not a party girl. Normally I dont waste any time and ask someone out but I had actually grown to like this girl and enjoyed talking to her just as much as I enjoyed how beautiful she was, Plus it was hard to believe that in that hellish place I had something to look forward to every day. So two months… which is nuts but it took two months for me to get the nerve to ask her out but she said yes. Never in my life had I had any date go so well and had so much fun, enjoyed just talking to someone without running out of things to say, and just felt so incredibly comfortable being around someone in my whole life. We were already holding hands after eating and in the movie they had those reclining chairs that you could move the arms and we were tangled up laying with each other like we had been together for a while. What was awesome was she felt the same things I did… hell she was so happy I took her hand and wanted to hold it and show her how i felt about her she didn’t know what to even do or say just smile big as can be and not want to let go as much as myself. I couldnt understand what i had done so right to deserve such a gorgeous, funny, smart, inspiring woman who wanted me as much as i wanted her. My whole life nobody ever even got a chance to climb my defensive walls and here this tiny little sweetheart tore through them and crumbled them like they were a wet paper bag. We fell for each other so hard and for years we were as happy as can be. The only down side is her family aka her dad and older sisters hated me for the stupidest reasons (being I was 8 years older and I didnt have a college degree, yet i owned my own business). I ended up being the father to her son and took him in as my own and loved him just like he my own flesh n blood in fact he was a big time daddy’s boy. It was 3 years before we even had our first small argument which is insane by anybodys standards and after that anytime we had a fight or whatever we actually came out stronger and better on the other side. This girl meant more to me than any other human being had ever meant to me in my entire life and I loved her and she loved me without end. That is until like everything else in my life before got screwed up which every time before it was always caused by some outside force i couldnt control and the end began that way but in the end it was my fault. Halfway through year 5 I got swindled by someone I worked with and it resulted in me losing my business without warning. Its not easy on anyone when you go from 6 figures and the best job you can find on short notice is making 40k plus bonuses (but what you don’t know is they are crooks and you never get the bonus because the cheat you out of it). You lose your house, your nice vehicle, and all the comforts that come in between. But despite all that she still loved me and stood by my side… but her family like a pack of hyenas saw it as food to pounce on and used it against me and pressured her to leave but she didnt do it, she kept loving me and was there for me cause she was one of the rare oh so rare good ones. But then I screwed up and I didnt even realize it until it was to late… the stress and sadness i felt trying to deal with her family and my own pain feeling like i had let everyone down I had a neighbor that sold pills… opiates which i found that when i took a couple I felt stress free for a bit and i felt like i was a better man for her and my sons and for about an hour at a time for a month or two i may have been but what i didnt know is i had become physically and mentally addicted to them and slowly it turned me into something I have hated and despised all my life and turned me into one of the terrible people responsible for my awful raising. Over the next year and a half I changed into a world class piece of crap. For the last 9ish months I was screaming for help on the inside i wanted to go back to the man I was I wanted to be the man she needed me to be and the man I was when she stood by me but I couldn’t ask for help because i was scared beyond anything i ever imagined of losing her. She was the one person in my entire life that i just couldnt lose she meant to much to me. But I was never able to ask and in the end i broke her heart by turning into some unrecognizable piece of crap shadow of a man that no matter how hard she kept trying made it impossible for anyone to be with me and in combination with her families more so her jealous sisters hounding her and beating her down I lost her never to have a chance at getting her back. Now I am broken… beyond broken. I have been seeing therapist for about 2 years now but it hasnt helped. In fact that old saying time heals all wounds is a crock of crap in my eyes cause if anything I feel i have gotten worst. I have tried so many times it turned my heart sour because I felt so bad for hurting so many people attempting to start something new with someone and having them fall for me but I unable to fall for anyone because my heart belongs to the one person who will never want it again. All time has done is it keeps showing me over and over that the older I get that I have no chance of ever being happy again. All my friends are married with families so now I dont even have anyone to go out with so i just stay at home all the time. I have lost every last bit of hope… I keep telling my current therapist which I actually like that if she even so much as slightly helps me in any way shape or form she is due the noble peace prize and i truly mean that. I lost the one and only love of my life and for me I dont see a way back especially after I have lost count of all my failed attempts to start anew.
We understand completely that this has become your way of coping, and that this story to you feels like ‘hard truth’. For us, though, it reads like a one-sided story. We think you might find our article on ‘cognitive distortions’ interesting, they are ways of thinking that trick us http://bit.ly/cognitivedistortionlist. From our outsider perspective it appears you have rewritten everything so that there is some ‘saviour’ out there, if only you can get to them. This is the perfect way to avoid saving yourself and instead you can spend your days in self flagellation, beating yourself up for some perceived crime. Unfortunately, she is not a saviour, and you are not a criminal against love. She is a flawed human like the rest of us whether that is easy for you to see or not, and she made those decisions herself, she’s not a child, her family didn’t make her do anything. And you a complicated, multi sided human like the rest of us, with probably as many good bits as well as bad bits, again, like the rest of us. You see when we have a sh*t childhood our comfort zone is pain and misery. That’s what feels like home, without us even realising it. So we hold onto our pain with all our might. We deep down don’t know who we are without it. It takes a heck of a lot of courage to move towards feeling okay instead, and to allow ourselves to acknowledge our good side and what is going right in life. In any case, how does one get to this point where thinking is so skewered we create a daily hell for ourselves then think it’s out of our control? While blocking out everything else? Usually trauma. Which you clearly allude to living through as a child. And this is only a comment, perhaps sent under a moment of duress, but here it sounds like you are living in in fight mode, high on cortisol. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/fight-or-flight-response.htm. So we are wondering if your therapist is trauma informed. We will assume she is and again this was just a tough moment for you. But to say for other readers that many well intentioned therapists simply aren’t. If you are instead going through your past again and again it can instead keep you re-traumatised and in fight mode and mistakenly keep you living on that cortisol high. To really see any progress it is helpful to stablise out of this response mode, learn how to ground and be centered, you can learn more in our article on therapies that work for trauma http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. CBT, BWRT, EMDR, body-based therapies, or even clinical hypnotherapy help you to learn how to stablise yourself so that a more psychodynamic or humanistic counselling would help instead of keeping you stuck. Once we learn how to be grounded we can finally start to recognise that there is nobody out there who is coming to save the day, but that we ourselves already have the resources to do so for ourselves. Useful self help tools all shown by research to help with anxiety and low moods can then be gratitude http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise, mindfulness http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout, and volunteering. Hang in there. Try to practise self compassion each day. It’s powerful stuff. Best, HT.
Just lost the chain I bought to reward myself for a promotion about two months ago. I surprised myself by how dejected I felt and it feels like I lost my favorite part of my daily routine (putting it on) because it was like a physical reminder every morning that the work I put in pays off. It was a quality piece that I used time and money to pay for and now it’s just gone and I don’t even want another one I just feel stupid for losing it
Hi Phil, we get it. In fact we can feel far more loss about something as it has an emotional and psychological value like this did for you than if it was just something just expensive. But you aren’t stupid for losing it. These things can and truly do happen to anyone. Let yourself be upset about it, and try not to judge yourself for it. In time, when you feel a bit better about it, you might want to consider a replacement of sorts, as sounds a very positive morning reminder that you can and do achieve your goals. Until then, again, go easy on yourself! Best, Ht.
Hey umm I broke my guitar today.. I’ve been using it for a really long time and this guitar meant the world to me… I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder 2 years ago and my guitar was the only thing that helped me through everything… my parents said they’ll get me a new guitar and that it’s not a big deal but this guitar means so much to me… I played my first note in this guitar, I’m a good guitarist now and it’s all because of it… all the people around me told me that I’m overreacting… no one understands me… I feel so lost and sad.. I don’t know what to do… I have orthodox folks who don’t believe in mental health… no one helped me out when I was diagnosed with GAD.. I feel so lonely and anxious… loosing my guitar made things a lot worse… I have a lot of studying to do but I can’t get myself to concentrate. I feel like I’m annoying people and that I’m a burden to them. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do…
Hi there Aki. Guitar wise, try to understand that it wasn’t just a guitar. It represented a journey to you, setting a goal and actually achieving it, and doing something that raised your confidence. So it’s normal to feel sad and upset about it. What’s needed to heal that can be time. Instead of people who can’t understand through no fault of their own (they aren’t musicians, they haven’t had this experience) seek out those who might, in places like online musician forums. Anxiety wise, it’s a tough time for everyone with anxiety. The world is a bit of a mess at the moment, a lot of people are struggling. We are assuming you are still under 18 (if you are 18 you can seek support yourself you don’t need anyone’s permission). But assuming you are under age, we also don’t know what country you are in. If you are in any Western country, then google for teen mental health support and charities. There is a lot out there, places you can call and text or email for free support, we have a list of free helplines in the UK here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. Also don’t overlook the school counsellor, who would be trained in anxiety. There are also a lot of self help tools out there these days. A mindfulness practice, for example, is free to learn and is proven by science with practice and commitment to help with anxiety http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout (or try a mindfulness app). And we have an article on teaching your mind to find balanced thoughts which can also help here https://bit.ly/thinkbalance. And remind yourself it’s okay to have anxiety. Many people do, you are not alone in this. Sometimes just reminding yourself that it’s okay can go a long way to calming anxious thoughts, as anxiety about anxiety makes things far worse, if that makes sense! Just remember that every time you are feeling panicked millions of teens around the world are feeling the exact same way in the exact same moment. One day at a time! Often when we get old enough to live by ourselves and be independent then these things can get a lot better for us. Finally, even if your parents aren’t into mental health, they will be into you being ok. So sometimes it’s worth trying to explain things in a way they might be able to understand so they will help you get help. We have an article on talking to your parents about mental health that can help http://bit.ly/talktoparents Best, HT.
Thank you for putting up this article. I lost my favorite necklace, and I have fallen into a big depression. I tried to replace it but it’s only made me feel worse. I feel awful for feeling this way and I just want it to stop hurting. I hate I gave it so much power over me. But thank you again.
Hi Victoria, do try not to judge yourself over this! That tends to make anyone feel worse. There is nothing wrong with having a sentimental attachment to something, some us are naturally more sentimental than others by our very nature, and more sensitive, and we feel this sort of thing more acutely and that’s not our fault. Also, if by any chance you had a difficult childhood, sometimes it can be because changes like losing something important even give us a feeling that the world is dangerous and unreliable. Whatever the case might be, go easy on yourself. It can also help to journal about your feelings, to get them out on paper, and to just have a good cry about it. Best, HT.
I lost a personalized card that I took everywhere with me for numerous years and I’m really hurting. It was my companion throughout the deaths of my great aunt and uncle, my beloved hamster, and so many other events. The type of card doesn’t get made anymore. Its been more than a week and I keep hoping that somehow I might get it back. The thought of it being thrown away is making me so extremely anxious even though I know thats probably what happened to it. I’ve noted down all my thoughts, cried hard, written a letter to the card, spoken to two therapists and my mind is still spinning out of control. I was previously diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder, and just when I thought I was getting better, I feel worse than ever before. Distracting myself only makes me go back to the thought that I had it “back then”, and I can’t help replaying the events of that day in my mind with guilt and regret. Even my sleep and appetite have been affected quite negatively. I know there are much worse things to lose, and all this has taught me is that if I experience any more loss in my life, person or thing, I don’t think I can hold on anymore. Please help, I’m really struggling.
Hi Ronni, you say you have ‘spoken to two therapists’. Are you actually working with one of them? Going to weekly sessions? Or are these just people you contacted over the internet? We can’t fix this situation for you over a comment box, anxiety and depression are deep rooted issues that need proper attention and a commitment to the healing process. We’d say this is not about the card, even though it feels like it, but about feeling the world is a dangerous, lonely place, does that sound about right? The card was like an anchor for you. So finding the card would only be like hiding from the real issue anyway. Sometimes things happen as with a much bigger picture it’s as if something, even our own deeper, wiser self, wants more for us, wants to really take care of us, wants us to wake up and make a change, to take a step forward. To actually face the deeper, bigger issues behind what we are telling ourselves is the problem. We understand this feels terrifying for you, that you feel legless, lost. But it’s also an opportunity to realise that you need help, real support, consistent support. Not responses from random strangers over the internet. You are in stress response, triggered, you could even have c-PTSD where we live our life constantly in the fight, flight, or freeze mode. You might also want to consider specific brain-training therapies that help calm this effect, such as CBT, EMDR, clinical hypnotherapy, or BWRT. These are short term therapies that help you stabilise and feel grounded so other forms of therapy can work better. Mindfulness is also a tool you can teach yourself and practise daily and is proven to help with anxiety. http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. As for thinking you can’t navigate anything more in life, that is your brain lying to you. You have proof you can navigate big things, as you already have navigated loss and made it through to the other side. You are more powerful and resourceful than your thinking wants you to see. Look at the facts over your thoughts. Best, HT.
thankyou I lost my phone because my mother gave it to me as a birthday present and I think I can’t be trusted anymore and I feel so sad and frustrated. I still hope that someone will turn it back to me I need some help I want to find it but I don’t know where. I’m crying and crying all over again but nothing happens. I cant move on. help me what should I do?
Hi Mary, if you read through the article it offers some useful steps. Such as, for starters, not beating yourself up about this. It’s tough to lose a phone particularly if it was a gift. Sounds like you might have a dynamic with your mother that is at play here, too, where you aren’t feeling like you are ever seen as an adult? Be kind to yourself and give it time. And if this experience has opened a can of worms for you, triggering other older and unresolved issues, again, as the article explains, consider finding some support! Best, HT.
I was the leader of a club for 8 years. That was my life. I put so much effort into it. It was stressful at times, but overall it was satisfying. I passed over promotion opportunities at work and passed on many other social activities because of this dedication that I had for this club. The regional leaders of the club decided to elect a new local leader without giving me an option to extend or be part of the re-election and so I am no longer the lead. I never thought this would happen. I dedicated many years to it, it was my life, and now it’s gone. This club was more important to me than my job. I would use vacation time to focus on activities for this club. It was my life! It’s kind of stupid how I feel, but I can’t help it. It isn’t like a lost a family member or even my job. I didn’t get paid for being the lead of this club, but yet I feel empty, like an injustice was done. I’m still a member, but it hurts me deeply that I am no longer in charge of it. I cry day and night. I feel like I’m having an identity crisis. Who am I? Where do I belong? What do I do with my life now?
Hi there, sounds tough, and understandably you are feeling low. On the other hand these are some powerful questions to be asking and this could also be an opportunity to learn about yourself, your beliefs, and your identity, as well as perhaps work on longstanding issues. It sounds like you relied on this position for your sense of self, for example, which would be worth looking at. If you had the courage we think these questions you pose would all be excellent questions to explore with a counsellor, who would create a safe space to explore the root of this situation, as we’d suspect it is far bigger than just about this club, but would relate to beliefs about yourself and the world you developed in childhood. Best, HT.
The van that I live in full time was broken into and many deeply sentimental items were stolen. Including: 12 rolls of undeveloped film that I planned to use as content for my website, custom postcards, stickers and magnets for my website, a watercolor journal collections of paintings from friends for two years, a film camera that I’ve had for 10 years, oracle cards decks I’ve collected for 8 years, my passport with all the stamps from my travels, all of the jewelry I’ve ever owned, including heirlooms, and my cherished skateboard. All these things are so core to who I am and it hurts more than any other pain I can imagine. It feels like this person stole chunks of my soul and ripped my heart out. These are also my coping mechanisms for when life gets me down and now I have nothing. I’ve spent the last 10 years building up who I am (which these things define) and now nothing is left. It’s been a month and I haven’t been able to sleep, focus on anything or feel anything positive. I feel empty inside and like life isn’t worth living anymore.
Michaela, that’s tough. Home invasion is particularly personal and traumatic, as it’s a violation of our safe space, and of our personal, private details. So normal your stress response would be triggered and you’d feel very anxious. But also note that there was any kind of unresolved trauma in your past this experience could have set you into a high stress response you can’t come down from (you mention coping mechanisms, so we are wondering if this might be the case). A month isn’t actually that long after a home invasion, not at all! So first and foremost give yourself far more time to grieve and go easy on yourself, lower expectations that you will be ‘fine’ about any of this. Seek out situations where you feel safe for now, don’t push yourself at this time. Then just be mindful of cognitive distortions, such all or nothing statements (life isn’t worth living). Perfectly normal if we have a sensitive brain or c-PTSD to fall into distorted thinking when stressed. Just be mindful. Gently observe, note, and question. “Is that thought true? What is a more balanced thought instead”? Finally, if this doesn’t improve, could you access therapy? CBT is a short term therapy that could be helpful here, or even a few sessions of clinical hypnosis. best, HT.
I just found out that I lost my precious external hard drive that contains all the photos (more than 3000 photos) I’ve taken over the past 8 years. I feel completely heart broken and gutted as photos are living memories and a part of my life. Knowing I most probably pushed it into a trash can under my table accidentally and had no idea of it, threw it out with my own two hands just makes me so restless. Still trying to come to peace with my carelessness and kept thinking if there are any chances of getting it back. I even thought of going to the dump site to ask around or heck, jumping in the big community garbage bin in hopes they haven’t clear it for 2 weeks (practically impossible but hope is a scary thing). Though I know it was something that happened out of pure accident, I kept retracing my steps and questioning myself: Why didn’t I notice it wasn’t there on the table? Why did I put the trash can there? Why didn’t I check the trash can before throwing it out? Why did this happen to me? Why didn’t I keep it in the drawer like I always do? Of all the years I’ve had it, why did this happen?
I know it’s okay and new pictures can be taken but taking photos has been my hobby of mine since young and I find great pride in taking them. Also, some of the pictures are of loved ones who are no longer with us anymore, making it feel extremely painful. I love reminiscing good times spent with family and loved ones so losing the hard drive felt like losing a part of me. I feel so lost and heartbroken…what can I do to be at peace with what happened and feel better about it?
Raylene, that’s seriously tough. Pictures are so precious. But on the other hand, this could truly happen to anyone. So we get that you are beating yourself up, totally normal, but we do hope that with time you can lessen the self-blame. As that is what we suggest, that you go easy on yourself and just accept it will take time to feel better. Notice when the really negative self talk starts, just take note you are doing it, being aware of it is helpful, and judging yourself for it will just make things worse. Notice it, notice how it’s an extreme assumption over truthful, fact driven thought, and then try to go do something that is positive and productive and makes you feel better instead of letting this sinkhole of self blame win. It might help to look up stories on the internet of others who have randomly lost precious things or to look at this comment stream, showing your brain the facts, that you did nothing wrong, that it was a fluke accident. If you don’t feel better in a month, or you mood has plummeted and it’s triggered depression, do reach out to supportive friends and family or even a counsellor at school or your workplace. If self blame and low self-esteem is not new but an ongoing problem in your life, you might want to look into CBT therapy, a short-term therapy that helps you change the way you think. Best, HT.
I lost my special coins that I loved . They were rare and meant the world to me and were the only reason I was my happy self . This article helped so much. Thank you.☹️🥺🙂☹️
Glad it helped! And do read through the other comments, we think you’ll realise you are far from alone in feeling this way. Best, HT.
My bed broke a few months ago. It was one of those convertible beds that started as my crib and kinda grew up with me. I’ve never slept in anything other than that and hotel beds ofc. When it broke, I had to get a new metal bed frame (my old one was wood) and there’s more space under my new bed. It looks completely different. My dad was able to put the headboard on my new bed but we haven’t figured out a way to put the footboard on yet. I’m going to suggest a solution for that to my dad tomorrow. I have censory issues so I just need the footboard to be there. I feel like I’m floating in space without it. I haven’t been able to relax or sleep for months and it’s taking a toll on my body. I know that one of the reasons I loved my bed is because it made me feel like I’m still a kid even though I’m 14 I still feel like I’m growing up too quickly. It gave me a sense of comfort that I’ll never have again
I am very sad because my ex killed the beautiful ivy I had been growing for 15 years. It always made me happy looking at it and he just got obsessed with stopping it spreading and cut the whole things actuallysawed through the trunk.its just a nasty sad brown mess now. Every time I go into the kitchen I see this brown mess out of the window.The thing he was obsessed with it damaging the wall but it’s not even our wall.its hhe neighbours and he doesn’t care at all and has never complained. It does sum up how he is .just obsessing about small things and can’t see people’s emotions. Always putting everything else before me.focusing on things that don’t need to be focused on.
Thank you for this article. Reading your responses to to others is also very helpful!!
Yesterday I lost my bank card older with other important items. I was so upset , desperate and annoyed with myself for not being more careful in storing it safely. So much regret and reliving what I could have done differently through the day. I spent hours retracing my steps and asking if someone had handed it in, but did not manage to find it. Although the bank blocked the card I still cried so much yesterday, because I’m usually very careful – constantly checking, double checking, and even triple checking!
Finding this article is incredibly helpful!
It makes a big difference knowing that I’m not alone in battling with self-blame and regret, how this can quickly trigger even past coping strategies that were harmful.
I’ll try to write a journal and be kinder to myself, to remind myself that I’m not perfect and mistakes do happen – but a mistake does not mean I’m a complete failure. I can now get up and try do do something positive…in time I will heal, just as it takes time for a physical wound to heal properly.
Thank you for again for this article:)
thanks so much for this, i play football on a higher level than most and it was recently taken away from me bc i had an injury and i was super sad and down and this article helped me realize that it is normal and what i’m feeling is real and not feeling guilty for being sad
thanks so much for this, i play football on a higher level than most and it was recently taken away from me bc i had an injury and i was super sad and down and this article helped me realize that it is normal and what i’m feeling is real and not feeling guilty for being sad.
Thank you for the posts and advice.
I now know I’m not alone in this. I lost the ring my mom left to me and she’s dead so I feel Ive let her down and myself. I’m very careful
. I hate losing it I’m looking everywhere. So is husband can’t stop thinking about it. Very tired.
Feel sad. It’s the connection and the fact it was pretty and it was my mom’s. I hope it gets easier..I just want it back.
I lost my phone recently, and i feel bad because it has been with me for 3 years and it was kind of like a mini companion everywhere i went. But i also feel bad because my mom bought it for me on my birthday with her hard earned money. I keep thinking how i could’ve prevented the loss of my phone and feel like i somehow failed my mom.
This is a pain I’ve dealt with on an ongoing basis nearly all my life. I’m 57.
I had a very happy early childhood and a very unhappy later childhood. When I was 6 my father got a sabbatical leave from work and we temporarily left our home in NYC and spent the academic year in Princeton, NJ where my father was taking classes, and went on holiday to UK that summer. When we got back to NYC, something was different. There was a warmth of my earlier pre-Princeton years that was somehow gone. I felt distant from my old friends; like we didn’t really know each other anymore. A year is an eternity in a child’s life. Somehow I knew things were never going to be the same again. I felt a loss of warmth or innocence.
Subsequently, I put on weight and began to get teased and bullied in school. When I was 10, my younger brother lost his battle with leukemia. My father was never the same after that. A side of him appeared that was angry or vindictive that I hadn’t experienced prior, or to that extent. It affected our relationship.
Ever since then, any familiar object from that pre-Princeton period is precious to me. It provides me with an anchor, or connection to that lost period of blissful innocence. I realize that loss of innocence is part of growing up, but in my case it was a very stark, abrupt, and pronounced loss.
Over the years many objects from that period; some my own possessions, others shared household items have been disposed of, and every time it sends me into deep depression.
When I was a teen my parents bought a country get-away house north of the city and moved a lot of these old items up there. We recently sold the house. When we cleaned it out, I moved many of its contents to a nearby storage locker I’m paying $1500 a year for. I don’t know if, or when I’ll ever be able to get up there to retrieve these things, since I live in a small apartment in the city with not much room. But I feel like it’s worth it for the security blanket effect.
Recently, I had a total knee replacement surgery and lost a considerable amount of weight, and had been feeling wonderful. I felt as though God had given me a second chance, a chance at a second childhood that I had been deprived of; a chance to “start over” and “pick up where I left off” 50 years ago and “get it right” this time.
But recently another déjà vu episode occurred where my mother and brother-in-law donated a round revolving Lazy Susan carousel food container that had been up in the pantry for years to a thrift shop that disposed of it immediately after donation, so it could not be recovered. My father is passed, and my mother has Alzheimer’s, so even though I’ve told her never to throw this thing away she can’t remember anything. It was moved to the rear maid’s room, and I had put posit notes on it saying “Do not throw away”, but the postits fell off. This has me shattered and depressed. I’ve been feeling angry at God for giving me this great gift or opportunity, and then allowing it to be ruined for me. I’ve been reading all sorts of blogs on the subject and trying to deal with this, but somehow the pain is inescapable.
This is a pain I’ve dealt with on an ongoing basis nearly all my life. I’m 57.
I had a very happy early childhood and a very unhappy later childhood. When I was 6 my father got a sabbatical leave from work and we temporarily left our home in NYC and spent the academic year in Princeton, NJ where my father was taking classes, and went on holiday to UK that summer. When we got back to NYC, something was different. There was a warmth of my earlier pre-Princeton years that was somehow gone. I felt distant from my old friends; like we didn’t really know each other anymore. A year is an eternity in a child’s life. Somehow I knew things were never going to be the same again. I felt a loss of warmth or innocence.
Subsequently, I put on weight and began to get teased and bullied in school. When I was 10, my younger brother lost his battle with leukemia. My father was never the same after that. A side of him appeared that was angry or vindictive that I hadn’t experienced prior, or to that extent. It affected our relationship.
Ever since then, any familiar object from that pre-Princeton period is precious to me. It provides me with an anchor, or connection to that lost period of blissful innocence. I realize that loss of innocence is part of growing up, but in my case it was a very abrupt and pronounced loss.
Over the years many objects from that period; some my own possessions, others shared household items have been disposed of, and every time it sends me into deep depression.
When I was a teen my parents bought a country get-away house north of the city and moved a lot of these old items up there. We recently sold the house. When we cleaned it out, I moved many of its contents to a nearby storage locker I’m paying $1500 a year for. I don’t know if, or when I’ll ever be able to get up there to retrieve these things, since I live in a small apartment in the city with not much room. But I feel like it’s worth it for the security blanket effect.
Recently, I had a total knee replacement surgery and lost a considerable amount of weight, and had been feeling wonderful. I felt as though God had given me a second chance, a chance at a second childhood that I had been deprived of; a chance to “start over” and pick up where I left off 50 years ago and “get it right” this time.
But recently another déjà vu episode occurred where my mother and brother-in-law donated a round revolving Lazy Susan carousel food container that had been up in the pantry for years to a thrift shop that disposed of it immediately after donation, so it could not be recovered. My father is passed, and my mother has Alzheimer’s, so even though I’ve told her never to throw this thing away she can’t remember anything. It was moved to the rear maid’s room, and I had put posit notes on it saying “Do not throw away”, but the postits fell off. This has me shattered and depressed. I’ve been feeling angry at God for giving me this great gift or opportunity, and then allowing it to be ruined for me. I’ve been reading all sorts of blogs on the subject and trying to deal with this, but somehow the pain is inescapable.
i can’t help it when i start crying when i’ve lost something
I threw my favorite black bra in the fire by mistake as I was burning clutter. By the time I was noticing it was already burnt to ashes.
I felt so bad and even cried. I loved it and treasured it so much. I’m still grieving the loss. I regret not cross checking the items before burning.
I hope I find peace.
This article is full of great advice. It hasn’t helped yet but I’m hoping it will>
My father passed away 10 years ago this coming December 27th.
He used buy these strong mint boxes made by Swiss Navy. He gave me a box and I kept it in my art caddy. I noticed it vanished last friday (one week ago) and have not been able to find it despite looking everywhere. I am feeling exactly the way you have described it.
Im not sleeping well, eating well, have gone off painting for youtube channel, have gone off the art caddy in which the box was kept and I dont much care to paint anymore
I also feel uncomfortable at home where I might have lost.
I don’t feel normal anymore. I am constantly uncomfortable, as though something isn’t right, missing.
Im very sad, very weepy and very distressed
i get really upset and angry when i lose or misplace things
I train in mixed martial arts. I have trained at the same gym for 15 years. I recently got news that the gym is closing the end of July. This place is like a second home to me. My teammates and coach feel like family. I feel so lost with the thought that I am about to lose the whole place. I know I can go to a different gym but that feels like I am letting my coach down. I just feel so lost. I am so worried that if I go somewhere else my coach will feel disappointed or replaced. I just don’t know what to do.