Assumptions – Why They Are Wrecking Your Mood and How To Stop Making Them
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 2, 2023
By: JD Hancock
by Andrea M. Darcy
When you make an assumption, you tell yourself that something is true without actually having any evidence that it is.
It’s all too easy to lead your life never questioning that you are assuming things to be facts.
Examples of assumptions at work are:
- You don’t get the promotion at work, so you assume you aren’t good at your job
- You assume most people are bad at heart, so don’t trust anyone you meet
- Your partner isn’t very talkative of late, so you assume they are angry with you
- You assume big cities are dangerous so decline a great job offer in a city
- Your mother has never understood your choices, so you assume she does not love you
- A friend with two tickets to a musical asks someone else, so you assume the friendship is faltering
Sound familiar?
Why do we make assumptions?
In some ways the brain is designed to make assumptions. It searches for patterns, or what cognitive scientists call ‘mental models’, to make it a more efficient machine. For example, you can walk to the station and take the train to the office without paying attention, but assuming it will be the same walk and platform as ever, leaving your mind free to efficiently organise tomorrow’s dinner.
But many assumptions are actually learned behaviour. They come from our culture and our families, and from what we were taught to think as a child. We tend to take on our parents’ assumptions, such as assuming that we do or don’t deserve certain things (a good life, money, love) or we should or shouldn’t do other things (get married, be atheist, wear bright clothes).
Even if we grow up and learn to question the ways our parents think, we might still unwittingly be making assumptions like them because we approach relationships with others using patterning we were taught as a child. For example, you might assume a good relationship means two people must always agree with each other – but does it? And how much would this colour and control your choices of partner if this was your assumption?
Why assumptions can really bring your moods down
Assumptions damage our capacity to relate to others. If you are always assuming you know how others think and feel, you stop listening and communicatingand leave them feeling trapped or misunderstood. And relationship difficulties, whether at work or home, can lead to low self-esteem and depression.
Assumptions also block possibilities. They impede your ability to think creatively and get ahead. If you assume the only way to do a presentation is with a powerpoint and the day comes but there is a technological meltdown at the office and you back out, it’s the employee who makes no assumptions and thinks to act out scenarios the powerpoints describe with the clients and has them all laughing that not only will win the promotion you wanted.
But most importantly when it comes to your moods, assumptions also create spirals of negative thinking.
Assumptions tend to involve such forms of negative thought as doubts and black and white thinking. And given that, as cognitive behavioural therapists teach, our thoughts create our feelings create our actions, if your head is full of negative assumptions it’s highly more likely that you are triggering yourself into repeat cycles of feeling awful.
How to Stop Making Assumptions
By: brett jordan
1. First things first – learn how to recognise you are making them.
Spend a week really watching for when you are assuming things, even writing them down. The act of writing can often lead to additional clarity, where you might see the other assumptions surrounding the one you’ve recognised.
Look for assumptions of all shapes and sizes. Something small like ‘my spouse didn’t do the dishes just to annoy me’ is just as much a possibly damaging assumption as something big like ‘my partner doesn’t really love me anymore’.
2. Ask good questions of your assumptions.
To break down assumptions you need to ask good, forward moving questions. Try to avoid ‘why’ questions and go for ‘what’ and ‘how’ questions (for more on this, read our article on Asking Good Questions).
Try the following questions:
- What facts do I have to prove this thought is true?
- What facts do I have to prove this thought isn’t true?
- What is a more realistic, in the middle way of seeing this?
- Is this really my own opinion, or did someone else teach it me and I didn’t question it?
- Is this even really what I think or want to think in the future?
- What would life be like if the opposite of this assumption were true?
- What if this assumption didn’t exist at all in my life – who would I then be?
3. Agree to not have control of everything.
A lot of assumptions are about wanting to control life out of a false idea this will make you ‘safe’ (which of course is based around an assumption and core belief that the world isn’t safe in the first place!). For example, because you can’t control what others think, and this might feel scary, you assume that you know what they think. You assume that the neighbours find you lazy, and assume that your teenage daughter hates you.
But what if instead you embraced uncertainty? It’s in fact a great method to drop a ton of assumptions all at once.
Do it by trying this powerful question – what if I don’t need to know the answer about this person/situation? How much stress could I relieve myself of by just agreeing, in this moment, to not know what I can’t know?
4. Look for places you feel stuck.
If you aren’t sure where you are making assumptions, (or are assuming you are too smart to make them!), then look at places you feel stuck. Inevitably there will be an assumption hiding out and holding things up.
For example, if you find it really hard to make friendships that last, what are you assuming about the sorts of people you like? What are you assuming about the kinds of places you want to meet these friends? And what are you assuming friendship involves in the first place?
5. Become mindful.
Assumptions can be tricky, because they are thoughts we are so used to making they can go by without us even noticing. Mindfulness, the act of continuously drawing your attention to the present and how you are thinking and feeling right now, can over time train you to catch more of your thoughts, and thus your assumptions.
The more you know what you are assuming, the more power you have to change what you are assuming into perspectives that open, rather than close, possibilities for you and your life.
Have you changed an assumption and seen real results? Share below, we love hearing from you.
Andrea M. Darcy is a writer, author, and coach who loves to share about relating and communicating skills. Find her @am_darcy
I am doing a project in my community about assumptions. Specifically, what assumptions we hold about each other and how they affect how we see each other as individuals and how we see ourselves as a community. I found your article helpful; it is clear, easy to read, and thought provoking. I especially liked the part about how assumptions block possibilities, as I consider this is to be particularly impactful at the level of community. We could accomplish so much if we could drop our assumptions and be clear about who we are and what we want moving forward! Thank you for taking the time to share your ideas on this topic.
Thank you Anne! We are grateful to hear that it was useful. Assumptions are so powerful, if we all learned at school to more thoroughly question what we held as ‘facts’ the world would surely be a different place. Good luck with the project!
This is great! I always thought assumptions give a sort of false sense of power (“I definitely know what’s going on here…”) where the true power lies in admitting uncertainty – heck, that’s the beauty of the entire scientific method!
Well said, Tara!
Thank you for the above article, I agree with the entire article. I am a 39 y/o male who just started summer school at the community college. I of course for years assumed that I can not go back to school at 40 and succeed among youngsters, after my 3rd class today and reading your article, I realized my thesis….. ” TO ASSUME, OR NOT TO ASSUME,…THAT IS THE QUESTION “
Great thesis! You most definitely can go back to school at any time. Many people go far later…. enjoy the experience!
I have been struggling for years with my relationship with my DIL. I make assumptions all the time about how she thinks and why she does things. I do not want to assume this but I suspect it has been a key contributor to the breakdown of my relationships. I going to make this my goal to change my way of thinking.
Hi Carol, we are glad the article seems to have helped.
Thank you for this article, it helped me to recognize and embrace this pattern that makes my life sometimes really difficult.
Great to hear it was helpful!
Yeah slot of my times I don’t put the hands
Into myself withen God and me doing stuff please help and friends soul mindful around…
Hi Delyolon, unfortunately the translation to English doesn’t make sense to us so we are not sure what you are asking? Did you want to try posting again by explaining it differently?
If i stop assuming situations would it also help in overthinking. I love this girl and she loves me too. But at times i assume and overthink situations way too much. It leads to anxiety and stress/depression/negative thoughts.
What should i do to change my thinking behaviour.
Hi Ammar, yes, assumptions can lead to spirals of negative thoughts. It’s not something you can change in a day – negative thinking has an addictive quality. Changing thoughts is a long committed road and can take time. We’d suggest a round of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) which focuses exclusively on helping you recognise and gain control of your thinking.
Thank you for this information
I’m currently battling with assumption and it’s affecting my relationship negatively.
I hope to put some of this into practice, I can’t afford to lose my girlfriend, she means the world to me
Hi Kehinde, we hope YOU mean the world to you, too. When we put others as the source of our happiness then we by default begin to overanalyse what they think and feel about us. Shift the focus on to what YOU think and feel about you. Source your joy and esteem from yourself, not others, and they will then be more at ease with you. Best, HT.
My sister assumes things so much that it has put a strain on our relationship. When we’re together and I start to tell her something, I get , maybe 6 words out and then she blurts out what she thinks is the next part of my story. And I’ll say no, then ill finish my story. She does this every time and several times when we talk. She does this to most people she talks with and its very irritating. Ive told her many times what she’s doing is driving me nuts and to please stop. But I don’t think she is able to stop assuming what I’m going to say.
Any suggestions on an effective way to help her realize how often she’s does this to everyone and how inappropriate it is to try and finish others sentences?
Thank you
Pamela
Hi Pamela, have you tried just outright telling her? Using effective, calm communication? This would mean getting out your heated feelings in advance, through things like journalling. It would mean not ‘triangling’, bringing in other people, which you are doing here. You have to keep the issue between you and her. It involves starting sentences with I not you (I feel– when you –) and getting out of the blame mentality. We have an article on communicating under stress here http://bit.ly/feelignored.It would also involve seeing her potential and believing in her potential, which we don’t see here. It is possible that she, say, has ADHD, which makes someone impulsive and they speak before they think. But you are making assumptions yourself here to assume she can’t change. And it would involve being openminded and also listening to her side. Perhaps there is a reason she always jumps in you aren’t aware of. For example the fact that you feel you can’t just tell her would show us there are trust and openness issues. Perhaps you make her anxious or she feels nervous around you, anxiety also causes people to talk too much and interrupt, as can feeling judged and like we have to ‘prove’ ourselves to someone. Best, HT.
I just hurt my relationship because I had assumed he wouldn’t understand my disorder and would think I was faking. My dad has always hurt me that way as a little girl saying crap like, “You’re faking” or “That’s a lie” so I just feel like everyone thinks that but my boyfriend, my partner for life, now my ex understood my situation completely but was hurt deeply with the fact that I wasn’t able to give him a chance to see such a huge part of me. I write a lot, so I’m going to be doing as you said and challenge my assumptions. Thank you for this! 🙂
Hi Brooklyn, glad it helped. Life is a learning curve, and sometimes the lessons feel really hard, what matters is that you are learning. So be proud of yourself for caring enough about yourself to try to understand. Of course this is only a part of the story you are telling us and nobody is totally responsible in a relationship, it’s 50/50, and we imagine there is much more to the story, so don’t blame yourself for the breakup either. Best, HT.
Hello thank you so much for this article when I came across it I was in the middle of a panic attack and my mind was spiting to the point of fear. I hate feeling like this. However! This article not only helped me calm down but as I journaled through I was able to see what I was riding off as “fact”when indeed it wasn’t. I also have a problem with assuming a lot especially when my bf withdraws or has off days I assume the word and think it has something to do with me which trigger my abandonment issues. I am working realLy Healy hard to get my emotions and thoughts under control and to gain my powers back. I fear losing people I love due to this issue. The false sense of control asumming things and “knowing it all” has really affected me then helped me I hope to let go and have a better life with less assumptions.
Alison, we are so glad it helped, it means a lot to us to hear. It sounds like you are very self-aware and making great progress. We have many articles on here on related subjects, such as being sensitive, anxiety, fear of losing loved ones…..many with takeaway tips you can put into action immediately. Use the search bar to have a look around! Best, HT.
Wonderful..gave me a new insight! Thank you so much harley therapy!
Glad it was of help!
Yes countless times, but each time I share my thought unapologetically it’s usually causes a misunderstanding and leave me hurt ,I don’t even know if is better not to share my thought or rather “assumptions” or is better I keep it to myself ?
What can the person that’s feeling trapped by assumptions do?
I stumbled on your article while looking for help on assumptions. I am someone that makes assumptions a lot. one thing I didn’t see in your article is that my assumptions is from the crave to be seen as intelligent. I try to make guess based on assuming the missing part of the Situation, riddle or story.. I love to hear that “how do you know that? I would “presume” this is why Pamela Sister does what she does too. Wanting the validation of being smart by doing a quick guess to the end of a story or event.
I have been right many times but when I am wrong, I feel so bad and sometimes avoid the person as I now “assume” he/she sees me as dumb or sometimes intensify my assumption to get some things right and get that validation from the person.. “You are so smart .. how do you know that!!!”
I am now conscious of this and l start accepting that I do not need to know everything, but I have to live with kicking myself when my assumptions were right but I didnt say it.
This reminds me of CBT. It’s a powerful tool! One thing I have often struggled with though is believing my own assumptions/thoughts. Positive and negative. What would you recommend to help it all become more clear in my mind?
Love the article. I knew someone that assumed a lot. Assumed a client paid money for her nails, where I finally told her how do you know she paid. I told her what if her friend did her nails, what if she did her nails. I told her to stop assuming what the clients are doing and ask questions. Ask the girl where did you get your nails done, I feel she will say she did them herself. I do my own, it’s not hard. Coworkers didn’t like when I corrected them or pointed out their lack of knowledge. I was called a Ms. Knowitall. But I learned a lot living in a big city and the little town didn’t like I was 20 years ahead. I always say knowledge is power but assuming makes an *** out of you and me. Learn the facts, the truth, learn how things work, but please people stop assuming. Also I had many years of counseling because I lived with a narcissist for 16 years. It was hard to break free from him and now I know a narcissist when I meet one.