Being Celibate – What It’s Really About, and Where it Goes Wrong
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
January 6, 2023
By: Md saad andalib
Being celibate is having a moment. First the ‘hot priest’ in Fleabag, then news that certain celebrities are toying with celibacy.
So what does it really mean to be celibate, when is it useful, and when might it just be a red flag of other issues that need dealing with?
The meaning of celibate
Traditionally, celibacy was a religious choice, and a vow of celibacy meant not getting married or engaging in sexual relations or activities.
In modern use, the definition of celibate is looser. It’s a conscious decision not to have sex with other people (self sex is often seen as permissible). Some even describe themselves as celibate within relationships, with ‘celibate dating’ a term being used.
The difference between celibacy and abstinence
The celibacy movement of the 1980s led by writers like Gabrielle Brown claimed celibacy is different than sexual abstinence. It’s more of a lifestyle choice about self-empowerment. Abstinence is merely ’refraining from’.
It is true that celibacy, with its roots as a religious vow, does seem to bear more weight than abstinence. And it did originally also mean not having relationships, as opposed to just abstaining from sex.
But meanings change with time, and there is no hard line here. If you are wanting to refrain from sex and/or relationships, you can feasibly use either term that works for you.
What celibacy isn’t
It isn’t ‘not having sex’.
Some people don’t have sex because they haven’t found a partner, but are actively looking. In this case not having sex is not a voluntary choice like celibacy is, just happenstance.
(That said, entire movements have sprung up reclaiming this sort of enforced abstinence, such as ‘incels’, involuntary celibates).
By: davidgljay
It isn’t not liking sex, so not having it.
This means someone is asexual. Or, in the case of someone who occasionally likes sex, demisexual.
In this situation it’s not a choice not to have sex, it’s a natural way of being for you personally when it comes to sexual activity.
It isn’t withholding sex.
In a relationship, and angry at your partner because they betrayed you in some way? So refusing to have sex with them in order to ‘even the score’ or ‘get back’ at them? This is not a choice to not have sex, it’s a choice to punish and control someone, and sex is simply being used as a tool.
It isn’t ‘doing everything but penetration’.
It’s indeed a Christian-centric and heteronormative version of sex. But for a psychologist, sex is any sexual activity designed to arouse you or another person.
If you are bragging you are celibate but having all kinds of physical interactions including things like fondling and oral sex, just not penetration? It could be seen as a sort of limited abstinence. But if you are writing it off as celibacy, it bears looking at what this game is really about for you.
How can celibacy be helpful?
It can facilitate greater self knowing.
Celibacy frees up the time spent dating or seeking a partner, and means we are more often alone, where we can truly listen to our thoughts and feelings.
It can deepen relationships.
Ever been with your friends for a night out, but spent the night distracted, thinking about what will happen later when you meet your lover? Or have a friend you are sort of in love with who you can’t relax around?
When you are celibate, these barriers to being fully present to others are removed.
It can increase focus.
If you are in a period of life where a big project or opportunity is on the plate, celibacy might give you more headspace, as well as more physical energy to get things done (if your sex life has meant late nights or poor sleep from cohabiting a bed!).
It can increase your sense of agency and personal power.
photo by Steve Halama
If you struggle with willpower, then decide to commit to celibacy? It can help you see that you are in charge of your life and able to make big choices, which could improve your self-esteem.
A study of clergy in South India found that celibacy was positively associated with personal accomplishment and engagement. Note, however, that it also found that long-term celibacy was connected to burnout.
When is celibacy NOT a good thing?
Like everything, celibacy has positives and negatives, and it all comes down to how it’s being used.
Movements like ‘incels’ (involuntary celibates) or MGTOW’ (men going their own way’) are often questioned for the negative ways they frame and use celibacy.
Celibacy is less beneficial if you:
- blame others for it or hold it against them
- use it to feel superior to others
- or as a way to avoid intimacy or being vulnerable
- are punishing yourself with it
- are using it as a form of sex addiction.
Celibacy and sex addiction
Ideally, taking a break from sex if it’s become addictive or destructive is best done alongside seeking support to deal with the addiction, This sees you slowly learn healthy ways of having a sexual relationship.
But what if you randomly decide to become celibate, without seeking any support for your addiction? Then think of your newfound celibacy all the time? Talk about it all the time to anyone who will listen? Draw people in, then at the last minute, when you are sure they are into you, push them away as you are ‘celibate now’? Or are so obsessed with your newfound celibacy that you have lost friends, or aren’t focussing at work?
Celibacy in this case is merely the other side of the sexual addiction coin. It’s time to seek some proper support.
Don’t we need sex for good mental health?
Doesn’t sex lower stress and anxiety? In rodents, sure. A study of mice who had sex daily for a fortnight had a lowered stress response.
But humans aren’t mice, and research is less conclusive than some headlines would have us believe. Yes, sex is shown to lower physical stress, such as a study that found frequent sex can mean delaying cardiovascular issues until later in life, or one that showed orgasms improve sleep.
But studies showing a reduction of mental stress are related to bonding between partners, not sex itself.
On the other hand, a study on casual sex amongst students found a link to elevated psychological distress, and another study found that women with a higher number of sexual partners are more likely to develop a substance disorder. And a study of over ten thousand American women with low interest in sex found that almost 30 per cent suffered sexual distress, particularly if they had a partner.
In summary, we are all unique sexually. What works for you is up to you. And if that’s being celibate, then so be it. But remember, like all things to do with your body:
- you set the boundaries
- it’s up to you who you share it with
- you decide when you want to stop.
Struggling with your sexual identity? Worry you are sex addict? Or don’t know how to attract others? We connect you with top London psychosexual therapists. Or use our booking platform to find affordable UK wide therapists and online counsellors now.
Still have a question about being celibate, and if you are using it in a healthy way? Or want to share your experience? Post below. NOTE: all comments are moderated to protect other users and we do not allow harassment of any kind.
My marriage has been sexless for 30 years due to sexual dysfunction brought on by intimacy anxiety. No one, including me would ever “choose” this kind of life. It is also sad what these young morons have done to the Incel movement. When I was in the movement ten years ago it was a small group of people, men and woman, who, through no fault of their own are not having sex with anyone. Now it is some kind of terrorist movement.
Sam, yes, it is rather sad as a movement, and they leave a lot of comments on our site attacking women we have to delete. It’s a movement based on anger. But anyone stuck in that sort of fury and rage can change if they realise that beneath the rage is deep sadness and loneliness and reach out for help. We are happy to work with any such clients. We believe that we all long for connection, and the incel movement might provide a negative substitute. Far better to work with a therapist to learn how to connect to others then connect to others over rage!
during calibacy , I get excitement and erraction and it is difficult to control, I control this but there is fear I may discontinue my calibacy.
excitement & erraction is bad during Calibacy and destroy my calibacy.
Hello, we don’t know why you have decided to be celibate. But if you are in a state of self judgement and upset all the time because of it then maybe it’s time to look at what beliefs are pushing you to think you have to be celibate. From a psychological perspective, sexual desire for another consenting adult is a natural and healthy thing. Best, HT.
I suppose that I could describe myself as a sex addict force into celibacy. Actually my life story is kinda fucked up.
I had a very abusive father. I was born when he was in Korea, 1952. He came home and saw me a hindrance to his relationship with my mother. I see him now as pedo-sadist, who really got off on whipping me with a switch, then looking at the welts he covered me with. And my mother was his submissive. She stopped him from killing me, but not from beating often and hard. In keeping the times, the godawful 50’s when it was perfectly fine for a cracker to beat his wife and children… my mother just put up with it.
I’m certain this led to the Avoidant Personality Disorder I describe myself as being hindered by most of my life . Being shy wasn’t all bad. There are types of girls who find it attractive and they often take the initiative in almost all aspects of a relationship. It took me a long time to feel comfortable with some of these girls, and I definitely had intimacy problem. There were a couple of girls who had the desire and patience to get through to me, and one of them became my wife
We had sex almost every day. It was great. About 10 years after we got married it became evident to me that something was wrong. We got married Sept. 1975. As we got the 1990s she became increasingly ill. About 1997 she was diagnosed with Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy
I went from practicing monogamy to practicing celibacy. I started to resent that I had practiced monogamy; thought about the girls who wanted me to commit adultery for them, and how I had abstained. I blame my monogamy for training me to avoid relationships with women, even when I really want them. But it’s just as likely to be continuation of my A.P.D.. Now at 71 and 330 moons into my celibacy, I now blame my age and low income.
I sing karaoke at the gay bar and enjoy the comradery and mutual praise from the singers. And flirting with the pretty girls. All of whom are in a relationship, all of whom leave the bar with somebody else……but this is the way it has been for me for a long time