The Moving Abroad Blues: Can It Cause Depression?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 16, 2023
by Andrea M. Darcy
For some of us the dream of moving abroad is to go somewhere more low-key and relaxing. For others it’s somewhere more exciting, a big glamourous city.
Regardless, the original idea is that living overseas will make things wonderful. Life will be better then it’s ever been, and you’ll finally be free to be the ‘the real you’.
So why is it you secretly feel so glum now it’s finally happening? Or lonely and let down if the move abroad has already happened? And what can you do about it?
The Great Myth About Moving Abroad
Moving abroad feeds into a fantasy that most of us have – the fantasy of escaping. Escaping our jobs, our boredom, escaping the city we live in that costs too much. Perhaps escaping our marriages that have lost their spark, or our family and the secret disappointments in us we are sure they harbour.
Unconsciously, what many of us want to escape is ourselves. The idea is that if only we lived somewhere more relaxed or exciting, we, too, would be that more relaxed and exciting person we’ve always meant to be.
It’s no wonder when we first are offered a new life overseas we feel so elated.
Everyone wants to be you… for now
You’ll find it’s not just you that gets elated when you do decide to move abroad. It’s often everyone around you, which feels exciting and supportive – at first. It can eventually just be part of the problem, though.
The very act of ‘breaking free’ from regular life makes you the great representative of everyone else’s secret hope that escape is possible.
You become the proof that one day they, too, might make it out to a better life.
And that puts a lot of pressure on you to uphold the myth that moving abroad is the answer to inner dissatisfaction. If you do start to feel stressed or uncertain, you might feel that admitting to your worries would let others who are excited for you down. Instead you might choose to suppress your anxiety about the move.
And if once you are abroad things aren’t as rosy as you’d hoped and you feel low? You might deny that you are overwhelmed. The problem with denied anxiety and ignored low moods is that they tend to escalate. Left unchecked, they can lead to depression.
What about moving and living abroad causes depression?
1. It’s a lot of change happening at once.
Change isn’t easy, and it is inevitable that it causes some stress. Even if your thoughts are calm and you feel organised, change can stress out your body, triggering its ‘fight or flight’ response (read more on the effects of change here).
2. For new things to begin, some things have to end.
Endings tend to cause the mind to look backwards and create a romantic (often unrealistic) view of the past that we then compare to the worst things going on in the present or projected future. Even things we thought we hated like our jobs can suddenly take on a rosy hue that makes us panic about what is to come.
3. Moving abroad means you are walking away from your support system.
By: Jochen Spalding
Most of us take our support systems for granted. We can be so used to having family, friends and colleagues there for us, who understand us without having to ask questions, we don’t even realise how much support that gives us. Even with online and phone calls that trusted connection can feel weakened when you are overseas, so no wonder you feel a little bereft.
4. You are stuck on a big learning curve.
It can be exhausting both mentally and emotionally to deal first with all the things that need to be done before moving abroad, some of which you might never have had to deal with before (health checks, paperwork, life insurance, the list goes on). And when you’ve dealt with all that it’s only to show up in your new country and be met with a learning curve of a culture, food, climate, and weather.
And then of course there is good old culture shock (read our Guide to Culture Shock if this is a concern).
5. If moving with a partner, your relationship can be put to the test.
If you move abroad with a spouse, husband or friend, you might find that your relationship has to take more stress. Where in your old life you both had your own support networks, now you might only have each other. This can leave one or both of you showing a needy or demanding side that might overwhelm the other.
If the relationship starts to suffer or change it can cause low moods for you and you can lose site of the fact that it’s quite normal for a relationship to temporarily take stress when moving abroad.
6. You are still stuck with the same old you, to your surprise.
It’s normal to think that if you move abroad you’ll suddenly be calmer, happier, more adventurous best self. But moving abroad can often trigger your worse self, if only at first. When you put yourself through the stress of change and the vulnerability of living without your support system you might feel edgy, easily triggered, and annoyed with everyone and everything.
The truth you’ll have to face is that no matter where you move, you are still the same person, with the same issues, the same emotional triggers, and the same personality. You might have found yourself in a new location, but you are going to attract the same sort of challenges because YOU are the same.
So what do you do if this rings true? How can you deal with your low moods when you are moving abroad or living overseas?
7 ways to manage depression when living abroad
By: Constanza
1. Get honest about how you really feel.
You can’t fix something if you are pretending it isn’t broken. Try to get in tune with how you are really feeling and what is really upsetting you about either moving abroad or about the place you are in if you have already moved. It’s okay to feel lonely and homesick, particularly at the holidays.
Journalling is a great way to get to the bottom of things, without others influencing our emotional process. If the idea of writing out how you really feel makes you feel ashamed or scared, then vow to yourself rip up whatever you write afterwards so you feel safer.
It can be helpful to talk to someone about you feel – but choose someone who listens and doesn’t judge, not someone who will make you feel worse or try to tell you how you feel. Don’t overlook the help of a coach or counsellor who can offer an uninvolved and unbiased perspective.
2. Be a little selfish.
If you are trying to pretend you aren’t feeling low about moving abroad because you don’t want to disappoint others, stop. It’s hard enough to be responsible for our own happiness, let alone that of those around us. And your mental wellbeing is important. Your friends and family might feel worried about you, it’s true, but they would feel a lot worse if you ended up deeply depressed or in real trouble in the future all because you were worried about disappointing them.( If this is a big problem for you, you might also want to read up on codependency and how to manage it).
3. Stay open.
It’s easy once you get to a new country to panic and make sweeping judgements about a place – “nobody here is friendly”. “I will never fit in”. This sort of thinking, called ‘black and white thinking’ in therapy circles, tends to overlook all the shades of grey in the middle that make up real life. The truth is, for example, that there are some friendly people everywhere. The worse thing about black and white thinking is it shuts us down to new possibilities and opportunities.
Try to think from different perspectives. It can be fun to think of three people you admire and keep asking yourself how they would see it or what they’d do. What would Madonna do if she found herself in Cambodia? Find a gym and have a good, endorphin releasing workout?
4. Don’t sacrifice your self-care.
Speaking of working out, one of the first things to go when moving abroad can be your self-care routine. It can seem a big effort to find a gym or a dance class in a new place you might not speak the language, or overwhelming to learn how to bicycle on the other side of the street. You can be tempted to try all the new foods and end up eating a lot of junk food you wouldn’t have back home. Remember that a healthy diet and exercise can greatly elevate your moods so try to stay on top of being healthy.
And watch the alcohol intake – it’s a depressant that can help turn low moods into darker ones (try out guide to knowing if you are drinking too much if you are worried).
5. Keep forward movement.
If you are in a state of culture shock or overwhelm it can be easy to stop trying. Of course pushing yourself is not the solution. Treat yourself gently. Try for a diet of one small new thing a day; a new food, a new walk, talking to a new person. It can also help to create a structure or schedule so you can’t just space out but do keep active.
6. Try mindfulness.
Both when we are getting ready to move abroad and after we are living abroad are times when the mind can become very obsessed with mulling over the past and the future. Am I making the right decision for my future? Why did I not see how much I had going for me in the past? What will happen if I stay here?
The mind can get so caught up in such questions it can stop us from enjoying the present or even seeing what is going right in the present. We might miss opportunities that could lead to things that make us happy. Mindfulness, a mood tool gaining popularity in therapy circles, is a way of bringing your attention firmly into the present (try a two-minute mindfulness break now).
7. Reach out for help.
When we start to feel down the easiest thing can seem to be to not talk to people or go out much but to hide ourselves away. Unfortunately withdrawing from socialising feeds a low mood and encourages it to blossom into full depression. And trying to deal with things by yourself is too much to ask of anyone who is stressed or feeling low. Try to reach out, even if it’s just talking to others on ex-pat forums online. Look around to see if there are any social groups locally that might help, such as an expat community.
As for professional help, don’t feel you can’t get help just because you are in a country where you don’t speak the language. One of the benefits of the internet is the rise of counselling by online, meaning you can access help anywhere in the world with someone who speaks your language and knows your culture. And with a therapist you can also discuss whether if for you, it’s time to return home.
Photos by Nikos Koutoulas, Kate Ter Haar
Andrea M. Darcy is the editor and lead writer of this blog. She grew up moving, and as an adult has lived and worked in five different countries and three continents. She currently lives in Paris. Find her @am_darcy
What you write is so true after i went through the “moving abroad will cure everything” phase and feeling those same self and outside pressures to “make it work”, that are ultimately destructive when your heart isnt in it. I underestimated the value of routine and everything I had.
“A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it” -George Moore
Great quote! Yes, there is actually freedom in routine in some ways, and no matter where we go… there we are.
Moved to France in January I am now 61 and retired here with my wife of 3 years. Have lived in many places after leaving the UK in 1989, have had lots of ups and downs and have tendency to be negative and depressed. All this moving seems to take me further from peace and happiness. Returned to UK 4 years ago and reconnected with friends and i miss them now, always able to disconnect but seems harder now as i get older. My growing las of 27 and 30 live in Australia and I miss them but would not like to live back in Oz. I am the problem and the solution but not able to deal with it at the moment. In my work of the past always death with lots of people and sort lots of issues out, especially for others, now its just us 2 and I worry about annoying my spouse. Feeling tired and weary.
It sounds like you have a tendency to be hard on yourself. Maybe you are neither a problem nor a solution, but a human in need of some support! Your life seems like it has been full of changes, which in itself can cause anxiety and low moods, but can also possibly trigger other insecurities from a child that can lead to having bigger responses than we can understand. Plus you’ve retired, which is a huge change of schedule, and actually leaves many people depressed as they have not only lost their structure but any thoughts they have spent a life avoiding by being busy now can suddenly bloom. And finally, you’ve not had the chance lately to create a good support network for yourself with all the moving and being in a new country, and don’t want to jeopardise the one solid relationship you do have, so especially in a case like this you might want to consider a counsellor or therapist. Online counselling is increasingly popular, or take a look on angloinfo.com where there are often english therapists working in France. Don’t see it as not being strong – it’s quite the opposite. It takes a lot of personal strength to reach out for support. It’s a chance to get an all new perspective on yourself. You might be surprised to learn what things actually are or aren’t working for you in life, and it might be that some small changes can end up making a big difference – it’s worth a try.
First i want to thank you for this helpful article, it really helped.
I want to add some activities which helped me overcome this Phase:
1.Doing Sports (even once in a Week)
2.Socializing with expats and International Community which you can always find in different Plattform like Couchsurfing.com Meetup.com … etc.
3.Exploring the City or Town which you are new in it.
4.Reading (local news) and understand generally whats going on in the community which you are new in it.
5.Travell no matter how far you can go or how much you can afford
you can travel with bus or even bike (it gives you the feeling that you’re not stuck!)
These are great tips, thank you!
I want to thank you for this so much,
I am planning to study for my second semester in Berlin,
I once visited the city and felt that I finally reached full happiness and promised myself to move there in the future
but that time I was with a friend
and now I am too afraid of not getting friends “of my kind” , since I will be alone, and since I don’t believe I will find these kind of people among student community
I am not even talking about how much I am afraid to immigrate there after my studies.
Everything there looks so much for my taste but it feels like I will never be a part of the community there
Now I feel a bit better , thinking that singing into a local sport team will be a wonderful way to live a local everyday life,
maybe working in something local like a local coffee would be a good idea for a beginning too
So glad it helped. And it’s absolutely normal to feel fear and have anxious thoughts before making a big life change. And some of us are just naturally the type to overthink, which means we are interesting and intellectual people but also meaning we experience even more anxiety than the normal person. A book that might help you is called ‘Fear the Fear and Do It Anyway” by American psychologist Susan Jeffers.
These are great tips, when I moved abroad at first it did take a lot of adapting and I can see why it could cause depression. It can be a confusing time, there is so much to organise and ensure is done – and something is bound to either go wrong or take longer than you thought! This is why creating checklists is a great idea, if you have aims for each week of what you should be doing you will be more likely to stick to them and stay more organised. I would say it is more anxiety than depression. Moving abroad, be it temporarily or not, is one of the hardest things to do. If you’re an expat like me, the thought of stepping off the plane in a country where you don’t know anyone is a daunting prospect.
moved to Greece three months ago, early retirement. not working, busied myself initially with setting up my tiny flat. now, three months in and cooler duller weather *(october) lonliness has hit hard, finding the language difficult to master and have made no connections with people here due to that. feeling isolated and that have made a mistake to move here, even though it made economic sense for me as i can live cheaply here. am depressed
Gosh, sounds tough! As someone who has moved countries several times, I completely understand. I would say however not to panic in that it is completely to normal to feel how you feel, and it always seems that the six month mark is when things start to make more sense, as if an adjustment period is required. Where can you find support? Are there any other expats nearby? Do try to find an expats in Greece community online, people who know exactly what you are going through, just to have someone who ‘gets it’ can be a huge relief, and they can also offer shortcuts to settling in. Counselling can help, you might be able to find a cheaper english therapist who will work over online with you if you do some online research? And don’t forget it it’s a really bad day you can call hotlines like the Samaritans…. if the number doesn’t work from overseas, call through online which will be able to place the call.
Yes, definitely. Loneliness is also a factor, and any latent depression can be triggered by this.
Julie
I moved to Canada to be with my wonderful Canadian husband, my daughter would not move and stayed in England. I miss her but we find it very painful to communicate. She is getting married next year but due to many issues after moving and being injured at work which lead to me loosing my job. I am not sure we can afford to go to her wedding.
I was injured through work but my injury was unjustly, not included within the Ontario system good old loop hole. I have done very fast paced jobs since moving to Canada which many 20 year olds failed to manage. I have done jobs normally allocated to uneducated immigrants due to different qualification rules. As the main bread winner it has left us on a knife edge and increasingly in debt to make ends meet. My husband is on a pension due to an injury years ago, my son has learning difficulties and I also care for my Mother In Law. They are all wonderful and I am very happy with them but worry about them. Managing our finances worries me most try to constantly cut down to make ends meet. I have managed to obtain a job in the mental health field but it is part time only 5 hours a week no way near enough. Yes I am qualified in psychology but here I am required to go back to a Ontario college, which I cannot do. I am only human and have a huge caring role. On top of this my son is not well right now and is having tests and my husband is not well. My Mother In Law is becoming more frail at 87. So I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, gardening, finance etc….. I just feel overwhelmed and in constant pain from my serious knee injury,, which I had an operation earlier this year but the doctor told me my knees are very bad and I need a knee replacement but I am too young, so he would not operate. I love walking in nature and dancing but my knee injury has totally taken away my natural way to relax. I am also angry at myself and the situation, I find myself in thinking I could continue working very hard jobs at the age of 49 when I haven’t done heavy work since young. I am used to rushing around but because of my knee injury simple things are difficult and painful, it takes me twice as long to do things. Even getting supper I am slower serving everyone. I feel very vulnerable and fear falling completely through the system.
There is an interesting parallel here in that you are taking on worry and responsibility for everyone around you (in one message you mention three different people) and at the same time your body is failing. Who is taking on worry and care of you? Is your body perhaps trying to bring this to your attention? Where is the support for you?Is it really your job to do everything? What would happen if you didn’t? Interesting questions to ask. Have you thought about seeking help or support for yourself?
Hi,
I just finished traveling for 6 months and decided to settle in England with my grandparents. Im 22 and very confused and feel out of place with where i belong. I grew lonely as i tried to find work, and found that where my Grandparents live in High Wycombe has little and a lot of the activities i enjoyed in Australia were no longer possible. I finally got a job after a month of searching and was so excited to meet friends. I have always found it very easy to make friends, and made great ones traveling. I found it exceptionally hard. No one was on the same page as me, and not only that i absolutely hate both my jobs. I now desperately want to go back home (Australia) but don’t know if it is the right choice because i was so unhappy when i lived there for years. I feel so hopeless and part of me doesn’t want to wake up in the morning because i don’t want to go to work. I have thought about leaving to another place in the UK with more people my age and maybe on the same wave length. Places like Brighton and Bristol seem very attractive to me, but i am only getting paid 7.5 pounds per hour (a lot lower than Aus) and saving for my ticket home/travel like i had planned will be extremely hard. I have no idea what to do.
If you could provide any advice i would be so grateful.
To be honest, it sounds like you suffer from depression, and have for some time. Travelling can be a great distraction as we forget we were depressed, and can discover other facets of ourselves we like better while trying to forget the other ones we were not so thrilled about. Basically travel and fun mean we can avoid facing our interior battles. But they don’t vanish, they are always there waiting for when we stop and stand still, and no amount of running can make that change, no other environment, no adventure, no matter how amazing. As you honestly admitted, you were not happy back in Australia either. I write this as someone who travelled half the world trying to escape herself always coming back to the same place, so don’t think this is just some theory being thrown at you from someone who does not understand…..we can’t escape ourselves. And although we can blame it on the place or situation, inevitably, it is always something within. So I’d say this isn’t about where to live (although being back with family will inevitably trigger all your old issues), it’s about seeking some support to see what is behind this low grade depression, this inner dissatisfaction, this feeling of not being able to find where you fit in the world. As you are on a low budget and unstable and prone to move, Online therapy would be good, you’d have to research low cost options. (we have a great article on here about finding in-person low cost or free therapy in the UK, but you’d have to stay here, of course!) And it’s a great idea and very low-cost to start with self help. A great place to start would be the book “Feeling Good – the New Mood Therapy” by David Burns. We do hope that you decide to try this greatest travel journey of all… the journey within ;).
Hi,
Thanks for such a great article, it’s really helpful and I can totally relate!
I moved to Beijing with my boyfriend almost 3 years ago now, when I was 23 and I have never really felt settled, often wondering when we’ll be moving back home.
I have a wonderful family back in Ireland, we are very close and I love them all dearly… which made the move extra difficult – for them and me!
I have always felt torn between the man I love and the family who means the world to me.
I’ve done my absolute best to fit in, making lots of friends, attempting to learn Mandarin and I have constantly chased after work-visas for varying types of jobs. The first few visa applications all got refused and it was a very difficult process for me. I eventually got a very good job singing in glamorous hotels and it paid very well!
At first the work was great and I thought I’d hit the jackpot, doing what I enjoyed for money, but after a whole year of performing 6 nights a week, putting all the energy I had into the job, the stress and nerves that went with performing have all caught up with me and crashed down on me like a tonne of bricks!
I have taken a break from performing 6 nights a week to rest and recuperate and I’m doubtful I even want to go back to such an intense job and such an unsustainable lifestyle!
However, since leaving the work, I am back to being no more than a lost and lonely ‘tourist’ in a place that I thought I had grown to love and now feel like I have no purpose and don’t belong anywhere.
Out of nowhere, I have developed all the symptoms of anxiety and have experienced some horrible panic attacks… all because I feel trapped and torn about where my life is going and where I belong in this world.
I feel so enriched in so many different ways by moving abroad and yet I feel so sad that it seems to have turned me into such a miserable, anxious and confused person.
Moving away seems like such a heartbreaking paradox… you move somewhere new, in hope of ‘finding yourself’ and creating happiness, when in fact, all you seem to find is a big home-shaped hole in your life and you long to go back to all the happiness you once had there.
I believe in positivity, but sometimes it’s difficult to shake off the anxiety and step into a more positive way of thinking. It’s just difficult to know what to do next… Keep on doing my best on the other side of world, with a person I love but have an uncertain furture with OR move back home and start my life all over again.
It definitely sounds like you push yourself very hard! Positivity can be helpful,but not at the expense of not being truthful with ourselves. Sometimes letting ourselves have a good rant, cry, and few days of feeling what we truly need to feel is also helpful. Anxiety can in fact also come from denying our feelings and pretending to feel what we don’t. I’d say that it sounds like you come from a very tight family unit, and to just leave that support behind would be hard on anyone. It’s hard to find your way in the world, and you are young, you need to maybe put less demands on yourself (learn chinese, have a perfect relationship, a great career, that’s a lot!) What would happen if you made your ‘time container’ for ‘being happy’ and ‘having the perfect relationship’ bigger? So that instead of feeling pressured to achieve it all now, you gave yourself 5 years just to explore life a bit? Does that help the stress at all? Otherwise, a trip home could offer much needed perspective. A counsellor would be helpful, and you can book one from your home country and work over online, which might be comforting. All in all, you have made huge changes, try to be proud of all you have achieved and not hold yourself up to unachievable standards.
Hi. Thank you for a positive and great article. I have recently moved to the UK from Canada to attend university. At first I was extremely excited and happy to move and to follow my big dream, but once I landed in the UK, the first two days made me question my decision. I started comparing everything to Canada and wondered whether or not I have made the right choice. I cried for two days straight. It actually helped. Although school hasn’t started yet, but I try to explore the city as much as I can, do some pre-readings for my classes and talk to my family and friends about my current loneliness and doubts I’m facing, which actually helps tremendously.
I figured I am here for school only, so let’s get through that first and I am sure I’ll also make some friends at the University too. BUT it does help reading about other people facing the same problem when moving abroad as me. At least I’m not the only and that it’s normal to have the home bug i.e. home longing blues. I tell myself that I am here now and things in life happen for a reason. It sure is hard, but I can always go home and work at some low paying job I’ll despise or I could stay here, finish my education and be somebody. I have my daily struggles, but I am doing my best to enjoy and do what I came here for. My advice for others, cry when you need to cry, call or online and talk to your loved ones when you need it, let them know how you feel, it’s not a shame to be home sick. After all, we are only human, and have feelings and emotions. Good luck to all of you out there in the world. Remember that wherever you are right now, you are there for reason and you only control your life and emotions. Make the most out of it.
All the best to everyone!
Cheers!
Yes, exactly! Let yourself feel what you need to, recognise that making a big life change can also cause big emotions. Also don’t forget to give yourself time. Just like a plant transplanted to a new pot and location might droop for a bit, you need time to adjust, but things can really change. 3 months is the time it generally takes before you feel comfortable. In the mean time, also focus on self-care. If there were things you loved back home like fitness or a hobby, try to get involved with them here. And in the UK there are also expat groups, it can help to meet those who know just how you feel. meetup.com, for example, is a place you can find Canadian expat groups in cities overseas – or can start your own! And finally, stay open to the idea that one day you might love the UK. It’s amazing how, when we give new opportunities time, things can really turn around.
This article was spot on. I am From USA and its barely been a week since I moved to my husbands country, Holland. It all seemed to elusive and grand before I came, and big things were talked about. The moment we were picked up by family, my whole world changed. I’ve been extremely depressed and overwhelmed since. Now, we’ve found the situation more complicated with visa requirements and the like. Everyday feels like a complete blur, I’m so demotivated, I don’t want to move. Also, adding to the fact that I’m 4 months pregnant, I am extremely regretful of having left my family and roots back home. This isn’t going to be easy. In fact, these are the most testing times of my life. All I wish is to be back in America, where we were happy and things were good for us.
Oh gosh that is very hard to move country pregnant! It can be an emotional time for anyone. Try to go easy on yourself and focus on the small picture, little things in each day that are going ok, and give it some time. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed at first, even more so it you are pregnant. Three months is a good time window before deciding if it’s bearable, although in your case this will mean you will be close to giving birth in a new country, so maybe give yourself even longer. And reach out to other expats, it can be a great relief to talk to others from back home. Both meetup.com and internations have expat communities in almost every major European city.
I moved a little over a year ago from Prague, Czech Republic to Edmonton, Canada. It’s been a dream of mine for a few years, because, being half Canadian, I loved visiting my family growing up. Things have been extremely difficult, I am still coping with culture shock (or realizing I might not like it here), and things have gotten so bad, I am coping with depression right now. I have never been this burnt out and all I want to do is move back home, but at the same time, I don’t know if it’s what I want. I have made a few friends here and I am enjoying school. But I don’t like my job, I don’t know if I will have money for school and I am so exhausted. I hope it turns around and I eventually find a way to make it work, but I need to get through the semester first. Any advice?
I moved from the UK 11 years ago to an Asian country. Took to the move like duck to water. Couldn’t have been happier, with a good job, 24/7 sunshine, 30 degrees plus, with humildity to match. Established myself with a simple life, with simple needs. About four years ago, I started feeling a boardom of routine, and with management changes at work I felt that I was being overlooked, although I felt I had made significant contributions and was continuing to do so. Many of my friends and family were telling me I should move, family telling me to move back to the UK. In 2014 I found a position back in the UK. But backed out at the very last minute, I just didn’t want to leave and so stayed on in Asia. The next two years were wonderful. I changed things at work, began to do and achieve more of what I wanted to do. I now had the perfect balance. But then I started feeling empty with the routine. My career mentors were advising me to move on, or risk being stuck. I started regretting my decision of rejecting the UK offer. I started to look elsewhere, And after a a year I found a new position in a small Australian town. I been here for four months now. And moving has hit me hard this time around. I’ve gone from living a nice lifestyle in a vibrant major Asian city of some 5 million, into an outback town of some 100,000. I feel lonely and out of place. And struggling with the change of context. Yes, the living standards are higher where I was now, the air cleaner, the weather cooler, meaning I can enjoy the outdoors. The the role I’m now in is more complex, and more stressful, there’s a perceived lack of job security, lack of people, vibrancy, the weather is cold, and the people are very different to the Asian culture I’ve acclimatised myself to (even though I am British, and a native English speaker), some culture shock to.
This article resonated a lot. At the time my new position was confirmed (which also involved a significant promotion) I was elated, I remember sleeping at night with a happy contented smile, and saying to myself, and genuinely feeling that I was so lucky, to be given this new opportunity to try something different. I was, so, so, so happy. Everyone in the office was so happy for me, and wished they were coming with me.
Now I’m looking back, at the life I had, and left behind. I feel I belonged there. I was settled. I fitted in. I was happy. I had a routine. I’m crazy to have left. I feel I don’t fit in where I am now, in the new office, in this comparatively small town. I’m feeling down and sad, and miss my previous life.
At times I wish I could go back, and these feeling are becoming more frequent. I’m feeling this way now.
I hope all this will all pass. At the time I made the decision, everything all made sense. I hope to find a new routine In my new location and settle in and can look back on this as part of the transition processes.
Thank you so much for sharing all this, we’re sure it will resonate with many readers. So many of us are moving and working overseas nowadays, and it can really take a toll that wasn’t really discussed before…. most of all, it breaks connection. Research now shows how important strong connections and belonging are to our wellbeing, and this new way of living and working all over the world can mean we lose connections we psychologically relied on more than we realised. Online just doesn’t cut it like we think it might…. First of all, give it time. For some odd reason, ‘the six month mark’ always seems to be when things shift. So give it a few more weeks. Secondly, do whatever it takes to find connection. Meetup.com is global, and it can feel a pain when we are busy with work etc to get out and meet people who share interests, but it’s important. If you are in a town of only 100,000 that might be hard, but do try! And keep up the connection with those back home and in Asia. Finally, there is something else going on here, if we can be so honest as to point it out. There is a real sense you are basing your happiness on what you achieve and on having a perfect, balanced life, which, ultimately, never quite works. Life changes no matter what we do, and achievements wear off no matter how great they become. The only constant is you. If all that you have fell away – money, job, people – could you still be content to know yourself? To be alive? It’s worth asking. Then look at ways to develop a sense of self worth that has nothing to do with externals – it’s priceless and goes with you wherever you live. Mindfulness can be a good start (we have a free guide here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/mindfulness-help-guide.htm).
Hi, I moved to Singapore two years ago for university. I had an established support group of friends and family back in my hometown before moving so I was really depressed when I first came here. At first, I reached out a lot to those back home through online calls and everything possible because I felt so out of place and scared to be in a new city. But then, I decided to slowly lose touch with those back home because I personally felt that I spent too much time clinging onto the past to adapt into the present.
So, here I am now, two years later detached from a lot of my hometown friends and still lonely in Singapore. It is very difficult to acclimate myself into the local social life because my university is very small and is mostly filled with international students from a limited amount of countries. There’s no one from my country, so it’s hard to be surrounded by fellow peers only speaking their mother tongue even when I hang out with them. I have managed to make a few very close friends but only as one-on-one friendships. I miss the feeling of being in a big social group and having a dynamic life. My only routine now is school-home-sleep-repeat. I miss being involved in things from volunteering to events and all. It’s just that I have no opportunity provided for me in this university which is actively a big part of my life right now (my current university has absolutely form of clubs, societies, student government or anything).
Because of this, I plan to transfer to a major English-speaking country in order to finish up my degree. But I’m afraid that, even though right now is the loneliest I’ve ever felt in my life, things might get lonelier. The school I’m applying to transfer to is a renowned public university with actual clubs and societies that can possibly boost this sad life I have now. It seems way more vibrant. But I’m also just worried that I may feel out of place as an international transfer student when I get there.
I don’t know what to do. I truly feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t have a place I can completely be comfortable in anymore. Even back in my hometown, since everything and everyone there has changed and moved on without me.
There’s a lot going on for you. It’s been a lot of change, and university has it’s own stresses. There are two things here. One, cutting off contact with old friends and family over accepting that the relationships might change due to less contact and no longer being there. It seems logical, right? But we need those connections to our roots, psychologically. Can you slowly work to get back in touch with family or old friends? It might help. Second, it’s totally understandable you are afraid of another big change when the first one didn’t go as well as you hoped. But remember, life changes even if we don’t make the changes ourselves. Change is inevitable. And from what you are saying, there is no way it can be worse than what you are experiencing. Is it okay to just accept you are afraid and go forward anyway? What is the very worst thing that can happen? Finally, you need support. Most universities and colleges now offer free or low cost counselling, for example. It would be very beneficial to have someone you can rely on and talk to. There is a sense there are bigger issues at play here, around confidence, connection, and resilience, so would be worth looking at. At the very least a counsellor is someone you can trust to be there each week. Give it a thought.
Hi, I moved abroad to live with my boyfriend 8 months ago. I was very lucky because I found a job before I moved and I can also speak the language in the new country (not fluent but enough to communicate). But it turned out to be far more difficult than I thought initially. I had a very rich social life and many people willing to do activities together in my home country. Now I don’t have any friends and after the 8 months not much changed. I meet the friends of my boyfriend and it’s always nice but I don’t have independent social contacts. And it’s very difficult, at least for me, to find new friends when you are thirty. And I feel very sad and depressed when he goes alone to do something fun and I stay at home because I don’t have other choice. And basically I don’t know how to handle it and change it. And how to change my own feelings into something more constructive. I am a social type of perosn – i can stay home and read but what i really enjoy is meeting and connecting with people.
Thank god im not the only one.. not that I’d wish this on anyone, but it’s just a relief to not feel completely alone!
I moved to the states from the uk almost a year ago for my husbands work, I gave up my career, left my support network family and friends and my life to pursue a new exciting life in Vegas.. but i feel like I’m just living his life. We’re in the same industry and I don’t have a visa to work here so I just feel stuck. I don’t resent my husband and I’m so proud of what he’s achieved but it really is frustrating to not be allowed to work here and I feel a little empty. I’ve always earned and Been very independent .
I cry all the time, I’m so moody and angry I feel codependent on him and the stress on our relationship has got so much I’m just waiting for the day he ends it. It’s like a catch 22. my life, I feel just revolves around him, yet I’m so moody and sad I fear he’ll get to the point where he’s had enough and leave and then my life will end. So I get stressed and sad about that.. Jesus it’s exhausting! I can’t predict from one day to another how I’m going to feel and I hate putting that pressure on him. We rarely argued before we moved and I’ve never felt so insecure sad and lost. I just don’t know what to do.
It sounds hard. And it is true that it can feel more difficult with age. For example, moving country as a student comes with a built in social network. Have you tried meetup.com? It’s a wonderful platform to connect with others with similar interests and has groups worldwide. Another network in most major cities is Inter Nations. Otherwise, it becomes about patience, and constantly trying to get out there and try new groups and hobbies. And then being very, very patient. They often say it’s the three year mark when people suddenly feel at home in new cultures. If you find your frustrations are too much, or your relationship is taking too much of the fallout, consider talking to a counsellor.
Thanks for sharing this. Yes, that sounds really hard! Support networks are priceless, as is living our passion. Sometimes in life we find out what matters to us in big and difficult ways. But it really does seem you are clear on what it is you are missing, which is actually quite positive, you are not just depressed for an indiscernable reason. You’ve lost your independence, your social network, and taken a hit to your sense of identity. What’s important here is to keep the communication clear with your partner, and to constantly both remind yourselves that big change is a process that requires patience. There are other interesting things in what you’ve written, and there might be more going on for you regarding a sense of identity and who you are without your job, but it’s hard to say just via comments. If it is possible that anything longstanding has been triggered by this upheaval, if any of this feels like old long hidden or never addressed issues resurfacing, it’s all more than enough to seek counselling over. We hope things turn around for you soon.
I have had to move abroad due to my partners job and am feeling completely overwhelmed. I have had to leave a job I loved and have left my children in boarding school. I’m starting to feel really anxious about going anywhere on my own, even to the shops ( this is completely out of character for me) I don’t speak the language and am incredibly lonely. My partner works all day and I am on my own with lots of time to think about everything I am missing at home. I am trying hard to see positives but I am really struggling and am not sure what to do. I just want to go home.
Thank you for sharing. It sounds like a very hard, very lonely experience. We do hear quite often from the partners of those who moved for their job. It’s even harder as the partner with the job is out there having a totally different experience, which can leave the partner at home to feel even more alienated. But to also have left your children in another country must be very overwhelming. The first thing is to be really patient with yourself. It’s normal to feel totally lost. Expand your idea of how long it will take to settle in by at least double. It often takes a minimum of 6 months to settle, and then it seems to be the 3 year mark that people actually feel their new country is ‘home’. We are sure you have already thought of all sorts of practical things, so the psychological angle we’d add is all about connection and support. It’s really important to reach out for any support and connection you can find. Ideally with those who know what you are going through as a start. Is there any expat community there? You might want to check if Internations has a branch there, a membership site with expat communities all over the world, and also see if meetup.com has expat groups. Even just making one friend who is on the same page can be a lifesaver in such a situation, when we are all alone in a new country. Otherwise, be as brave as you can with speaking a few basic words of the new language. It can be terrifying at first, but even being able to say hello and thank you can leave you feeling more connected, and it really is all about trying to create as much sense of connection as possible. The final thing would be connection with yourself. If there is any project or hobby you have always wanted to do but didn’t have the time for, that might make you feel more connected to your own talents and passions, now would be a great time to give it a go. Finally, as to connection with your partner, keep communicating. What we see in this sort of situation is that the partners will hide their feelings then start secretly blaming each other just when they need to support each other. Try to see a bigger picture together, and to understand this is a difficult time. Hope that helps!
Thanks for an interesting and very relevant article.
For the past 10 years I have been aiming to move to London and I have finally made the decision to go. Now that my move is only 10 ⎌days away, I find myself having a lot of anxiety and asking myself questions like “are you doing the right thing?” and “why are you leaving everything behind here- if it isn’t broken then why fix it?”. This anxiety is heightened due to the fact that I suffer from depression and am on anti depressants. I tend to worry that my depression will spiral out of control when I get there due to culture shock and the change in climate. I have lived briefly in another country but that was quite disastrous as I was not there on my own terms.
I find myself obsessing over small items like my possessions and my car and house and wonder how I will cope without them. Logically I tell myself that I can call it an experiment and try it out for a year but I can’t shake this uneasy feeling and anxiety. Is this normal?
The more I read the more I realize how similar is my situation to everybody else’s. I wish I knew how hard it would be before I made a move back.
I moved to the US at the age of 19 and lived there for the next 16 years. It was not easy, but I moved with some friends and it made all the difference. I built my life there, got to know some amazing people, graduated from the university. Unfortunately due to visa issues I couldn’t work in the US. So I decided to find a job elsewhere and that is how I came back to Belarus. Now I’m completely lost, I don’t even know my country any more. I’m still looking for a job. Everyday life here is very different from what I’m used to. I don’t have any friends and my family seems to be more distant than it used to be on online through all these years. I miss my friends and my American home city so much that I constantly feel a burning hole inside of me. When I wake up my heart drops when I realize where I am. I can’t go back to US for a while either, which makes it super hard. I feel so empty and so unhappy. The feeling of belonging is gone and I really hope it will come back one day.
If you already suffer anxiety and are already emotionally sensitive, yes, these things are common. Any stress or change will absolutely send your anxiety into high gear. And even for people who are not sensitive, big life change can trigger fear, panic, and worry. Do you have any support system in the UK? It might feel helpful to have some support in place. If you have friends, remind yourself that they are already there and know about the UK and can help you. If you are already on anti-depressants you will likely need to be in touch with support in any case, a GP for starters, if you do feel you are overwhelmed then don’t overlook the power of a few counselling sessions as well. Life change is actually a very common reason to seek a coach or counsellor. Finally, remember that life is surprising. Even if all the terrible things you are worried about did happen (highly unlikely) an equal number of interesting and good things are just as likely to happen as you make this big life change. Congratulations on the big step, and we hope it all goes well.
Thank you for sharing Anna. 16 years is a long time, it would be normal to feel culture shock to have to go back to where you once lived after so long away. Friends and family, who haven’t had the experiences you have, might be distant simply as they feel insecure or don’t know how to relate anymore. In the meantime do what you can to take care of yourself. Instead of trying to fit in with old friends, you might find it’s time for new ones who have more in common with the person you are now! Internations, for example, is a great place to meet others who have lived overseas, and they have a branch in Belarus. If you find the unhappiness unbearable and after a few months you feel worse instead of better, don’t overlook some counselling, it might mean you have developed depression. We wish you courage!
Relocation depression
I’ve had major depression all my adult life (abuse in my childhood, compounded by an abusive marriage). I’ve been on the meds for 10 years…so I haven’t had DEEP bouts (you know, the ones where you want to just die). But I’m slipping into one now…. it’s been 6 months since I moved to the UK. I do love it here, and it has been the best move for my little family. We’re safe, in a lovely English village. The dream, MY dream. No crime, no corruption…..no noise , no pollution…..
My self-confidence has always been very low, but my confidence in my work ability has always been good – I’m clever, well-qualified and very capable—-or so I thought. I had proven myself as a bookkeeper/accountant over a 25 year career…but now in this new country NONE of it is worth anything. My knowledge and experience of accounting is vast but all the agencies care about is that I’m nearly 50 and that and I’m not familiar with the computer packages used in this country. They do not know ME…that, at work, no problem is too great, that I always strive to do my very best, and that I pick up new computer innovations quickly (I’ve been doing that since before most of them hit primary school!). But to these young agency consultants I’m not ”sell-able” – I don’t immediately tick all the boxes. You don’t get given a chance. So I stopped looking. I didn’t really want the pressure and stress of accounting anyway. I got a temp job in a supermarket — entry level job, but they were more interested in how MUCH we did, not how WELL the job was done. My speed was below average, not the best. I’ve lost my work confidence now. I’ve gone from highly sought after, to barely employable.
All I feel like doing is hiding in our flat, but I don’t coz my child is at school. In a way she’s my saving grace. I’ve loved being at home – making a home, keeping it a lovely place for my girl and my man to come home to. Helping my girl with integrating into school here…. she’s done so well, made friends, even got an academical prize (maths – there’s the accounting background!). I also volunteer at her school, which I love. I really enjoy teaching and helping the little ones. This has been my ‘social’ contact, but I’m not pushing making friends – friends are a liability – and the closer you get the more you talk, and I do NOT want to talk. The other thing is that I HAVE TO work, at least part-time, to make enough money to cover the costs of my two children in the country I left. My man really does not like giving me that money. I’ve got another job starting in a month, to be a carer….. we’ll see how that goes. Caring comes naturally to me. I hope it it ‘my place’. It is soul-destroying to have to type up my CV, my life, every time I want to apply for a job. Like having to prove myself. Again, and again, and each time I believe it all less. I wonder if I should go talk to the GP? Or maybe pouring my heart out like this is enough ….. I’m not harming anyone by typing away like this! But sharing how I feel affects other people, even if they DO say…oh come and talk to me….coz then they just worry and feel frustrated cos they can’t do anything to fix my fucked-up head. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Going back to my wee girl— I’ve done alright THERE. She’s clever, confident, polite, albeit spoilt with attention (not things). I’ve always helped my kids with their school things….and I’ve loved it. My other 2 older children have also done fine academically. But I miss them so much. They stay with their father (please refer to previously mentioned abusive marriage) in the country I left. Major trauma. I can’t talk to anyone about how much I was damaged by him – my elder son sometimes opens up about how controlling my ex is, but it’s all quickly buried again, and my younger son simply defends his father – his father has convinced him that I share the blame equally with his father for the nightmare that was our marriage. My new man hates any mention of my ex as I still pay maintenance – he thinks my ex is screwing me financially (he IS). But I pay because my ex uses access to the boys as a tool to get me to pay every time. Even now, when they are 22 and 20, and I’ve paid for them to come and visit me here, he said if I don’t pay for this new year’s varsity fees, he won’t let them come to me.
I’ve known him for 30 years and I still do not understand how he can hurt people intentionally, use emotional blackmail to get what he wants, bully people, and why he hates me so much when he got EVERY-thing he wanted after our divorce. After years of abuse from his mouth, his aggression, his hatred (I was morally and physically repugnant to him), I had a proper full-on nervous breakdown. I begged for help, he responded by fetching the camera and took photos which he used to blackmail me into signing over custody. My marriage had failed, I lost my home, my children, and as a result my job and my car. He’d cut me off from my friends and family for so long that I had no-one. I was alone and broken. SOOOOOO, why does he STILL need to hurt me? I wasn’t there to sing good night to my children to fetch them from school, help them, listen to the stories of their day, just be with them as they grew up…. He took ‘being a mother’ away from me. I became a silly fun auntie they visited every second week, that had absolutely NO say in their upbringing. My eldest suffered badly. And I could do NOTHING. It’s is TORTURE to watch your children suffer and not be able to do anything. If I said something (about the way he spoke to the boys, or the ay he totally ignored my eldest’s emotional problems), he would tell the boys I was causing shit again and that I was a bad mother. As my younger son once said they are basically under house arrest. Neither of them socialise outside college/varsity – I don’t think my eldest even socialises within that…. Neither of them have a car, they’ve not had girlfriends….. My eldest has his licence but my ex says he’s not ready to drive on his own.??????FFS………how’s he going to LEARN, if he doesn’t get to drive (without his father bearing down on him). Hatred is a bad thing, wishing bad things on another person is bad….but I’m afraid I feel both for my ex.
So, after all this typing, I’ve realised that the issue is less about the move to another country, and more about the fact that I cannot get over the loss of my children. I’d understand if I’d been a bad person that deserved to be punished, but I wasn’t…..It’s just so exhausting, so tiring, so heavy…… and they’re coming next week and I’ll have to be all perky and happy cause it’s their only chance to get away from their controlling father for the whole YEAR so it better be fun and happy and free…..
I hope there is a hell. I hope that whoever it is who is there in hell, has a bad enough mind to come up with a fitting torture to match the pain he’s caused me and others over these 30 years.
Jane, you’ve experienced a huge, heart breaking trauma of losing your kids, essentially. When we experience trauma, any change can be even harder on us, as our brain is so busy managing the anxiety from the trauma in some ways we have less personal resources. We can live in constant ‘fight or flight’ mode, set off by trauma… always anxious, always edgy, full of fear, but also numb inside, and able to push ourselves more than the normal person. This is a LOT for anyone to deal with alone. It’s evident from your message you can’t really talk to your partner, you don’t have friends, you find it hard to connect to others (which might signify trauma before the marriage, as these sorts of trust issues tend to rise from childhood trauma). You have got to get yourself some support here. Talk to your GP if you feel comfortable with that. Sometimes it can take ages to get free counselling in the UK (over a year in London!!) but if you are in a smaller town it might be faster. Otherwise, read our piece on how to find low cost counselling here bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. We also have a very thorough piece on all the help hotlines that exist in the UK that you can call for free to talk to warm, trained listeners https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/mental-health-helpline.htm. We really hope this helps. And good for you to getting to this point of self realisation yourself in the above. We believe you can get to a point where things feel better and your confidence returns and all of life starts to feel that much liveable, please keep going and get the support you need.
I can totally relate to this. I moved to Canada from the UK 13 years ago. I moved here to be with my now husband who is Canadian. Originally I moved here for me, to be with him. However, I stayed for my husband and not for myself because of the reasons you mention in your article. It seems that you cannot fake happiness for long. I have suffered from depression on and off for 10 years now. It is not getting easier. There are things I like about Canada and things that I do not, but moving here put a huge strain on my relationship.
Nicola, that’s hard. And it’s a long time to feel depressed without feeling hope. Are you finding support somewhere? It can feel hugely helpful to have someone who is not invested in our choices whom we can vent around.
Your post is so true, but instead of making me feel better it had mage me feel worse. To know I’m not alone in my loneliness makes me feel even more alone.
You see my husband and I lead a splitting life. We live 7 months in Cyprus and 5 months in Switzerland. I own a scuba divng school in Cyprus (my home country), but it’s seasonal and I’m only open from May to October. My husband works for the diving training organization PADI and travels alot (he’s responsible for 180 dive centers in 3 countries) but he has to be in Switzerland for a certain amount of time every year as his salary is dependent on it (Swiss people have an insane minimum wage and moving would mean a drastic pay cut).
I am an extremely outgoing person, and for 7 the year I’m happy, busy, occupied and have purpose. In Switzerland I do not speak Swiss German and language courses always start or run into the time I have to be in Cyprus. I’ve joined the gym. I try to get out, I walk the dog for at least 2 hours daily. My husband does everything to make me happy. Switzerland is an extremely expensive country. 2 people for a basic dinner with an average bottle of wine costs easily 300€ and my savings dwindle doing even the most basic things. I feel trapped because I can go out and meet people but I don’t because I can’t afford it.
We live in a gorgeous town where we are surrounded my mountains on 3 sides and ski slopes are just 20 minutes away. Last year however I broke my foot (metatarsal 5) in 4 places. Despite physio for 1 year I still have limited functionality and my scuba diving work has been permanently affected). I now am unwilling to continue to learn how to ski/snowboard because I simply can’t risk another injury. Anyway, one day on the slopes cost me around 500euro a day because I need equipment, lift passes and ski instruction… And I only have a yearly salary of 10,000 euro. This money is ample in Cyprus, the cost is for living is tiny compared to here.
So here I am, in a country where I don’t know anyone, can’t work and can’t afford to do much that takes me to meet other people.
My husband is trying his hardest. I’m trying my hardest. When will the “trying” stop and I can finally start “being”. This existence is killing my soul. Killing my marriage. Killing the happy, bouncy person I was when I met my husband and I feel like a shell of my former self.
I see no way out. I see no goal to work towards. And here, like at me pouring my heart out to a stranger in a forum full of lonely people.
What am I doing?
What you are doing is seeking support. Which is a good thing, it’s a recognition that at this point you can’t continue and you need support. It sounds like you are doing the best you can here, and it’s not working, so what next? Of course this is a very complicated situation, there is the relationship to look at, which you seem to not want to talk too much about, but instinctively we’d suggest that maybe there is more to be unpacked there and it’s not at all about the world you are living in and money. In summary, you need real support, someone to talk to who is outside the situation, who you don’t have to keep up the ‘brave, happy go lucky, trying her hardest’ face with. You are on a low budget. That is hard. So it might be about seeking an online therapist who offers low cost sessions and looking at how you can rearrange what budget you have to accommodate. They do exist. Read our article for some inspiration on finding low cost therapy bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. In the meantime, you need tools to get by. Journalling is a good one, and before you roll your eyes, try it like this – decide in advance you will rip up whatever you write and then let go onto the page. Say things you would never dare say, say things you did not even know you felt. Rip it up. The next one that is free and instantly available is mindfulness. We have a free guide here. bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. We are sorry we can’t wave a magic wand and get you out of all this. But you are a smart woman, we are sure you can find your way through. But yes, it might have to start with giving up the need to appear you have it all together and that things are fine when they really aren’t right now, and with not judging yourself for actually not being happy.
Moved to the UK last year to live with my spouse… although I knew it was going to be difficult for me to settle down but I assumed I’d just get on with it.
But I can’t seem to.. there are moments during the day where I suddenly feel really low and just want to escape from this country and never come back.. I hate the weather here basically.
I’ve been advised to get used to this place and not let negative thoughts get the best of me but I’m failing constantly… I can’t seem to find something that will give me peace and comfort.. if only I knew..
I’m exhausted and have had enough of how I feel ever since I’ve left home…
We entirely disagree with the entire ‘just don’t let negative thoughts get to you’ approach. Repressing how we feel never works. It just leads to feeling worse in most cases, and definitely to self blame and low self-esteem. What would it feel like if it was ok and allowed to be miserable? In most cases letting ourselves be miserable leads to feeling better far faster. Other problem with just ‘trying to feel better’ is that it overlooks that something like a big move can trigger a lot of old issues. Perhaps in our previous lives we had kept so busy we avoided them, but in a new country they surface. We can blame it on weather, food, language, all sorts, but it’s often a case of, ‘wherever we go, there we are’. If that is the case it’s highly advisable to seek some support such as counselling. In a way big life changes can indeed act like gifts, having us look at how we really feel and what our real needs are and facing up to long repressed issues in ourselves and our relationships. If you really feel this is not at all any deeper than the move, then do work to do what you can to build new connections. Losing our support networks has a greater affect on wellbeing than many realise. As for sun, the good thing about the UK is it’s a very short inexpensive plane ride to several hot destinations such as Spain, if that really was all it was (although the tone of your message in honesty suggests otherwise).
Hi I moved to .uk 4 years ago at the beginning was so exiting everything was great then I decide to quit my job and become and artist I met my boyfriend who is English and we moved together since we live a bit far from London and spend most time home I started feeling lost and a bit depressed he has his friends and family over here and very dynamic life and I feel like a shadow of my old self.i don’t have friends here and I miss my family and friends back home. We go to my home country twice a year for a week to visit but I feel terribly lost overthinking about the future…kids,happiness? Fulfilment? and feeling torn between the love of my life and the comfort of my home country and I don’t know what to do… thank God I found this article I thought I was the only one in the world with such heart ache …please help
Hi Maru, thanks for contributing your experience. That is a lot of change for anyone. There honestly sounds like there is a lot more going on here than just changing country. You changed jobs, for starters. Then you gave up your life to live your partners ideal life. What of you is in all this? Were you 50% of it? How quickly did you rush into living together? We can’t tell from just these comments. How is your career as an artist going? Are you financially dependent or reliant on your partner? How is your self-esteem? In summary, there are many issues going on for you, and it sounds like at minimum low-grade depression. Would you consider counselling? If you are on a low budget, there are still options in the UK….
Thanks for this. I have been trying for two weeks to understand what was going on. I just moved to France and while I love my job and the people I’ve met, when I’m alone I sleep a lot and don’t do much. Reading your blog put words to what has been happening, mainly the “not trying” because it’s too overwhelming. Now that I know what it is, I can move forward to deal with this. Thanks again.
Sha, thanks for sharing. Moving countries is a big deal, especially if there is a language barrier. It is even possible that the overwhelm of it all has your body/mind just needing those zone out activities as it re-adjusts. Give yourself 3 months to adjust, then 6 months to feel at home. Of course if you start to feel worse, to the extent it’s affecting your work and social life, then do reach out to a counsellor.
Hi, thanks for this article.I moved to France 6 months ago, it’s so hard for me to find a job because i have dificulties with the language that looks like mission impossible.As i came here with my family i feel like i have a wish to be somewhere else but here.You are right,it’s not the place that is wrong the problem is in me.I had a big wish to go somewhere else and the only solution was France because my husband wanted to,i accept it just because of the idea to move somewhere else and to start a new life.I am confused and the place is very small,no expats,only french…I decided to give a chance to this place for 3 years!
Or maybe neither the place nor you are ‘wrong’… it’s just about finding some sort of balance. Rural France takes times to adjust to. The way of thinking can be different. There are several ‘Ladies in France’ online groups which can be a wonderful source of connection and ideas (and to discover people who live close enough to meet up), such as ‘LIFT – Ladies in France Together’ who run a Facebook group and the Angloinfo site, etc. Also look for government funded French classes. Most areas offer them, and learning the language can really make life easier. On a good note, you are in one of the countries with biggest British expat communities! We wish you courage.
I moved to Tenerife 4 years ago, I am only 17.
I recently went back to England for a 2 week holiday to visit my dad who has just had a major operation, and I had the best time with him. Although we didn’t go out much or do a lot, it was just so lovely to spend my time with him. I’d missed him. I knew that I wanted to come back as soon as I left him at the airport,
I’d lived with my dad before in 2016 for 7 months, but it didn’t work out because I had moved without speaking to my mum first, therefore we fell out massively and it made me really unhappy that we weren’t ok with eachother. I came back to Tenerife yesterday and already I am feeling down, alone and definitely unhappy.
I live with my mum and stepfather, we don’t argue everyday but we do argue a lot and even just being in their presence makes me miserable, also all of my family live in England. Tenerife in general isn’t a place I’d stay, it isn’t somewhere that you can get a good job and you can’t go to college over here. I spoke to my dad while I was back home about how I’m feeling and how I would want to eventually move back. He told me to face my fears and talk to my mum about it straight away before I back out of doing it.
I haven’t yet spoke to my mum about it because I’m terrified of hurting her feelings, or for her to tell me I cannot move back.
I feel very alone in my situation and don’t know how to approach it.
Any help or advice would be seriously appreciated!
I moved to Orlando from the UK 13 years ago. Got married in 2006 and divorced in 2013. I have a wonderful 12 year old son who was born there (huge mistake). I see my son every other week and have spent many major US holidays where families get together, alone. Loneliness is a huge problem for me. I would desperately love to move back home but I cannot take my son with me. I have a house, a decent job and a handful of friends in the US, but no real connections with anyone in the US other than my son. My whole support system is in the UK. Any time I go home to visit I dread the flight back and feel completely torn and not in control of my life. I am here in the UK now with 3 days left and each day on the verge of tears knowing that the lonely life beckons once again. I also have a deep connection with a previous partner here in the UK. We have known each other for 31 years and dated as teenagers. He is the love of my life. The only thing that stops a relationship forming is the distance. The pull of all that the UK has for me is overwhelming. My heart breaks like it’s being ripped in two.
It sounds hard Tina. But there is also a huge focus here on what is not working over what is. Is this an ongoing tendency for you? To look at what is not working only? Where might this way of seeing come from? Is it a taught behaviour, something you grew up with? Something to think about. What would life look like from another perspective entirely?
Hi Megan. We are sorry you feel confused and upset. We can’t really say too much without knowing you and more about your life and your situation. For example, you are almost 18, which makes you a legal adult, and is the age many people leave home for university etc, but it seems you are quite scared at taking big steps. So we’d need to know more about that. Reading this it actually seems rather clear, however, that the real problem isn’t the move but your relationship with your mother. It is probably easier to over focus and overthink about Tenerife vs UK. But it seems that no matter where you live there will be problems because, again, the issue is the relationship. There seems to be a lot of guilt and attachment going on here. Have you heard of codependency? You might want to do some research on it. No matter how much we love someone we are not responsible for making them happy. It sounds like you need to figure out who you are outside of your relationship with your mother and perhaps raise your self-esteem a little. So if you had the budget or the opportunity, we would definitely recommend some counselling. It would be really valuable for you to have someone you can say anything to without having to feel you have to make them happy. We wish you courage.
Hi,
I’m desperately struggling right now. Long story short:
My partner and I met in Bristol where I had a pretty good life; I had my own modern apartment, a decent job, friends and some family, as well as a great routine – Gym, sports etc. It was especially good for me as I come from a very difficult background and I have no real education but I somehow managed to build a functioning life by the age of 25!
My partner is from Norway and as our relationship developed we talked more and more about moving. We both started to fall in love with the idea of owning some land so we could grow our own food and have space to do what we want. This led us to impulsively buy a small farm in a rural area of Norway on the internet without even viewing it. My partner then got a job offer and I put my apartment up for sale and handed in my notice.
We moved one year ago today and I can honestly say it has been the worst year of my life.
A lot has happened in the year, one thing is I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and my partner is also exploring a diagnosis for herself. This explains the impulsivity of buying somewhere without even viewing it – a huge risk, that hasn’t paid off…
I have struggled unbelievably out here, having undiagnosed ADHD meant I just couldn’t sit down and learn the language which is a huge obstacle. Now I have ADHD medication I can sit down and study but it also enabled me to see how clearly this was a mistake coming here, especially the way we did it! I’m not very sociable and struggle to make friends and we are now in a small village of 800 people and I hate it, I’m so isolated when my partner goes to work. The house is amazing and the land is nice but who cares when I have NO life. This year has taken its toll on our relationship also, my partner has basically become my carer so the sex life has gone, I’m also coming to terms with the fact I’m not physically attracted to her but I do love her so much. I have some work as a farm helper but I don’t enjoy it. I look back at what I had in England and think, why the hell did I give it all up and to be honest it was to escape, escape the monotony, escape myself but all I’ve done is escaped to a prison. Every day I wake up with a knot in my stomach. I don’t know what to do. I’ve lasted a year out here and It was awful, the prospect of another year kills me but leaving my partner here with a house that won’t sell, that still requires a lot of renovation work, a lot of maintenance for her to carry that alone, and the fact that the man she loves gave up on her – the guilt would consume me. Even if I did go back to England, it wouldn’t be the same, I feel so broken that I couldn’t just go back to working full time, I would have nowhere to live and I would be going on 30 with the pain and shame of this utter failure.
I don’t know what to do, staying or going will require so much work but I’ve been running on fumes for the last few months and now I’m on empty. I cry every day. I don’t have the strength to make this work and I don’t have the strength to leave. I feel like my life is over either way and if I leave I will crush my best friend and ruin her life too…
Ben. When we face a lot of struggles, what happens is our mind defaults to negativity. Then all we see is the negative. And it becomes a spiral. Negative thought leads to negative feeling leads to negative action leads to another negative thought, and on and on it goes, until we are sure we are trapped in every direction and it’s the end of the world. Because this story could be written in so many different ways. For example, imagine a 60 year old man who has never done anything but the same thing his entire life hearing your story. He would think, wow, you were brave enough to try moving to another country and living the dream! When most people never even try! Yes, it didn’t work out, but you are not even thirty yet. Amazing! To be so young with your life ahead of you! You have tried what most people wait until 60 to do. You are young and in good health, and this adventure shows that 1) you are courageous 2) you are willing to follow your dreams 3) you actually make things happen (and can therefore do so again). So here’s another thing you are falling into, which is another cognitive distortion. [read our article about cognitive distortions here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/cognitive-distortions.htm. You are fortune telling. You are assuming returning back to the UK and another job won’t work. You actually don’t know that. As for the sexual attraction, this can come from a difficult situation. In summary. A year is a long time. So if you want it to be longer, that’s ok. But maybe sit down with your partner and talk about all of this very honestly and choose a time line where you will make a decision by and then make a list of options. You might be surprised to hear what she wants, as it sounds like you haven’t asked. Here’s the one thing that won’t work – doing the same thing again and again and expecting change. Finally, when we are this despondent we need support. And not from the people who are invested in the situation, from outsiders who are not biased. Do you know that you can nowadays do counselling over the internet? And not to toot our own horn, but our new sister site offers that. And you can even find counsellors with low rates for any budget. http://www.harleytherapy.com.
Hi my name is Ash (male) 31 years old, moved to thailand from the uk 2 years ago, very quickly found a job, love and now have twin boys 6 months old, big mistake with so much stress connected to it, that has turned into a lovely suprise with how amazing the twin boys are, and alot of support from the family of my thai partner. i have had plenty of ups and downs here with out my support line from back home, things are finally settling down again financially and stress levels have lowered even thou the question still stands of bringing them back to the uk when they are a few years older. Due nationalities, paper work, money etc etc. Any way – i have been dreaming some much recently of made up scenarios with friends etc from back home, always people back in the UK, wake up sometimes like today spending an hour or so reading foruns like this but never finding out anything on why they pop up constantly in dreams etc. Any wisdom shared would be much appreciated
ps, the who looking after my self out here training eating well defiantly did the job! Like you mentioned in the article but since financial issues and worrys came up i stopped and feel so unfit now lol i was a personal trainer back home so i know how much better id feel in my self with getting fit again, its just theres been much bigger things on the agenda recently. Of course.
Many thanks in advance Ash
Hi Ash, yes, twins can make self care that much harder! The dreams, we couldn’t tell you without knowing you more and the dreams more, it could be so many things! Of course it might be that you are homesick and lonely sometimes but find it hard to express so then dream it? It’s very normal to sometimes feel homesick or lonely but when as a man other people are looking up to you perhaps it can feel something one has to hide? Just a hunch. Do you still keep in touch with friends back home? Is there an expat community there you can reach out to? Sometimes just a little bit of contact with the old life can make us appreciate what the new life offers even that bit more…
Good morning. Getting ready for a big move in 12 days. Moving to another city in Alaska to teach middle school kids science. I am 61 years old, this will be my fifth year teaching and my fifth move in 4 years. The depression is becoming relentless. I have five kids, 12 grandkids, a husband who will be joining me on this move and two close friends as my support group. These are my “home base” people and they all live within 30 miles of where I am now. Most of them are positive, wanting for me to have fun and enjoy this time. I am terrified. This will also be my fourth school. I was very successful in my first school as a middle school teacher. I was there for two years but my husband was unhappy with where we were living and so I moved back to our “home base”. I found a job teaching first grade. Totally unsuited for such young ones and I was not invited to come back the next year. That hurt but I understood it. I then took on a position as a fifth-grade teacher. I had to move and my husband was unable to join me as I had to live in a women’s house so no men could be there. I had support from a friend who had taught at my first school but being away from my main support for a year was so hard. I totally lost my temper one day when I came across five kids attacking a sixth. They let me teach the rest of the year but due to having said the f word I was not invited back. So I moved back to “home base”. Now I am getting ready for yet another move. I am running through a million what-ifs in my mind. We decided to keep the apartment we have here as it is getting very difficult to find rentals and we want to be able to come back during summer break to reconnect with the family. Combine with the rent there, I will be using at least half my income on rent. As my husband is disabled, I am the main source of income now. He is hoping to find an under-the-table job. I have sent up stuff for settling into our new apartment. I have no idea how to get it from the post office to the apartment but it is all up there. What I haven’t done is got started on my classes, you know, the planning and the organizing. I am not sure what there is to work with there and, being completely honest, I am not sure what they are expecting. During the interview, it was mentioned that they are changing to a totally different standard system and it will take recreating everything that had been done before. I was excited about the challenge and now I am uncertain, what if I fail, again? What if I can’t make enough money to keep body and soul together? What if I can’t handle the class? What if my health gives out? What if I can’t find a way to get to work everyday? What if……what if Russia decides to make a statement? What if my mom, who is a hoarder, passes and I have to go clean up the massive amount of stuff she has accumulated over the last 40 years? What if my husband, who drinks way too much, continues down this path of self-destruction? What if my children start to resent me for being gone so much and not here in their lives? Wha if my grandkids forget who I am? What if my friends move me down to “acquaintance” ? What if I can’t do a good job of recreating the classes and an entire set of kids don’t get the education they deserve? What if my brother takes everything that is worth anything and I am left with nothing? What if my knee, that the doctor says will need to be replaced, goes out and they try to do surgery and it doesn’t heal? After all, my ankle that I broke a year ago is still broken and not healed at all. What if I fail?
So, anyhoo, I am a bit stressed and depressed. I am trying to do the healthy eating and exercise and making good memories with family and friends before I move. I simply can not see any joy in anything right now.
In case you are wondering, I did try to find a position here. I was unable to secure one. Competition is much more and the position I took really is a dream spot for me. When I first started on this whole teaching idea I had wanted to teach in Alaska, middle school kids and science. It is truly everything I have been training for. I just would like a sense of peace and joy about the whole thing.
What strikes us here, reading all this, is that you are achieving the big dream. Exactly what you are hoped for. If in life we have deep rooted, old core beliefs, stemming back from as far as childhood, that are negative… ‘I don’t deserve good things’, ‘I don’t deserve what I want’…. then the closer we get to our real dream, the more something in us will entirely panic and try to sabotage. And what is happening here is an immense amount of anxiety. We would guess it is coming with a lot of physical symptoms too… edginess, sleeplessness, heart beating….? The other thing we notice is that you are harping on a lot about how much support you have. But we have a question. Are those people you know who rely on you? Or are those people you can actually be yourself around? Actually freak out and say all these questions to and know they will be there listening and understanding? Support is the latter. It’s not about knowing people. And from what it sounds like you have a heck of a lot on your shoulders. So if you do not have real support, we would suggest you try to find it. Even in Alaska. Nowadays you can, for example, find really reasonably priced therapy over online and phone no matter where you are. Read our article on finding low cost therapy for other ideas http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy.You might want to first try some CBT therapy. It focuses on recognising your cognitive distortions (out of control negative thoughts) and then learning how to stop them before they lead to sabotaging actions and low moods. Mindfulness might be another useful tool for you, and we have a really easy to follow free guide to it http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. And then the final question we’d ask is, what if it actually all worked out fine? What if you were actually happy and had a good time? What if it was actually your dream life? What if you actually could be happy? Perhaps you’ll find, asking these questions, these are the things that really terrify you… just a thought.
Greetings,
Has been really great to read all three comments and now lots of other people are in similar situations. I have recently moved from Canada to Sweden . While I had visited Sweden many times before I moved here I am still having really rough days . You see my family, my parents in specific have not treated me the best. I was kicked out of the home at 17 as they didn’t support me dating a non Christian . It has been a hard number of years for me as they constantly try to guilt me for that choice and make me feel not good enough or they tell me what I myself am thinking as they don’t want to accept my actual thoughts . So moving abroad has been very hard for this reason . As i would love the support from them especially in my loneliness here . To be able to reach out to them but when I do it ends up making the day worse for me by what they say and them not supporting me (I have moved to the bf I started dating years back when I was 17, as we are doing very well) . I would love some suggestions as I feel lost and a lot of hurt towards my family as they have tried to make all the people in my home town stop talking to me to punish me and make it hard so I come home.
Lauren, we are sorry to hear this. A religion that makes us punish others for not agreeing is not really a commendable religion, is it? And Christianity is often at fault here. Although we severely doubt if Jesus came to earth he’d approve of any of it. Sadly, people take religion and use it to control and manipulate others. It becomes about power and being ‘right’ instead of about loving our neighbours. Now what can be done here? Well sadly, ‘religions’ like this brainwash people. So trying to change your parents is a hard road with a very low success rate. Sometimes to grow up we need to step back and accept we have to move forward without our parents on our side. In the future, this might change, who knows. But if we come from a religious background part of growing up can be a time of separation and finding our own values and feet to stand on. And do you really want to win the attention of those people back home who are agreeing with your parents? What about them makes them someone you want to still have contact with? The only person you have any control over here is you. So you have to focus on taking care of yourself. Instead of reaching out to your parents, how else could you start to find the connection you are lacking? Have you looked into local ex pat groups? Meetup.com is a good place to start looking for such things. Do you have a job? A way to meet other people? Are there interests and hobbies you have that you could use to meet other people with? And finally, don’t overlook therapy. Yes it’s an investment, but it’s sometimes a real saving grace to have someone to talk to who doesn’t judge us but understands. And these days, with Online therapy, you can talk to a therapist who speaks your language no matter where you live in the world.
Hi,
Two months ago I moved from Canada to Germany with my boyfriend. He is German and was in Canada on a work permit when we met. We are living with his family and communication is very hard for me as I don’t speak German. I am trying to learn a little everyday but I am still not at the point where I can have a conversation with anyone. Because of this language barrier I haven’t been able to make friends with anyone here so far… I also feel very anxious going into big crowds. I never found myself to be a shy or anxious person, but since we moved here those qualities have surfaced. I am in the process of applying for my work visa as well, so I cannot work until it has been accepted. I don’t think it is appropriate for me to call myself depressed as I have never been diagnosed and I still manage to have good days or time when I am happy. However, I do cry a lot and feel very isolated. I can’t go to sleep unless my boyfriend is home in bed with me either.. I am scared that my co-dependency is going to become to much for him.. He is already taking on the financial responsibility for the both of us and I feel bad complaining to him about all of my feelings when he comes home from work because the last thing I want is to have our time together be a negative experience for him after already working all day… I know I need to exercise and eat healthy in order to boost my mood and confidence, but aside from that and journaling, do you have any other suggestions to help?
Hi Ray. We’d suggest a big dose of patience with yourself and the situation. What you are going through is entirely normal for anyone who leaves a home country to go stay with a partner’s family. It’s that ‘trial by fire’ situation, and two months is still very new. There is endless admin, language difficulties, the relationship gets stressed….and then we’d imagine there is the intensity of being with his family, too, that can’t be all smooth sailing! The general benchmark for any kind of ease to start seems to be six months. Are you in a city or town? Check to see if meetup.com has an expat group or english speaking group. Then look at internations if you are in a city, they throw events with people from all over the world and help newcomers. There are a lot of english speakers in Germany, so unless you are living in a small countryside town, you should be able to find some other speakers. As for work, what about volunteering? Is there anything available? Finally look to see if there is a German language course you can take. Yes, these days we can learn online, but getting out to a class is a surefire way to meet people like you who understand what it’s like to be new there. In summary what you need to look for is exterior connection. It can be intimidating to seek new connections in a new country, yes, definitely. But it is also really rewarding when you do find some.
Hi,
I moved to UK for my higher studies but unfortunately the loneliness and weather put a lot of stress on me. I stayed back for 4 months before deciding to move back home. I was suffering from panic attacks and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, this started taking a toll on my health and academics. Although I am in a much better place right now I can’t help but criticize myself for giving up and not staying and fighting through it. I am having trouble coming to terms with it. I am still pursuing my academics plus I got a job so I haven’t lost anything per se. My family has been extremely supportive for which I am so grateful! My boyfriend on the other hand is not happy with my decision and said he will always look at me as someone who couldn’t tough it out and just gave up. So I am feeling disappointed and lost, to be honest.
Hi Al, that’s a pretty harsh thing to say to someone, let alone a partner. So we’d question what this relationship offers you, for starters. As for being so hard on yourself, we’d say that we are not all here to do the same things or be the same way. Some of us are more sensitive than others. But this also means that we are more empathetic, understand big emotions, and often understand others well. We can be ‘strong’ in entirely different ways. For example, someone who can ‘tough out’ a hard job might not be able to handle losing a loved one, or fall apart without that job. Whereas a sensitive person who struggles in a competitive work environment might be more in touch with their emotions and able to handle grief, and can actually navigate life change. In summary, don’t compare yourself to other people, and be wary of others who do that for you. This is a strange world we’ve all created that is flawed in many ways and not sensitive to our differences as humans – who are we to judged ourselves as flawed when we are doing our best to manage in a pretty heavily flawed system?We’d suggest that you are very young still, a student, your life is ahead of you. Your road is your road. It sounds like you listened to your own limits, which is actually brave and really strong. So many people don’t dare voice their concerns and practice such good self care, so give yourself some credit! You and have found solutions that work for you. If you decide to go abroad in the future again, you can, when it works for you, not when others tell you the time is right.
I have just declined a job on the Middle East. I was supposed to be flying out there next Sunday. Due to mental health problems and wanting to self harm I am not able to take the job. I just feel like I have let everyone down. I have left my job because I thought I would be moving abroad. I have got medication and hopefully things will calm down a bit and I am also seeing Mind who are helpful. I hope the opportunity does rise again where I can take up this opportunity.
Angela, we are really impressed that you’ve reached out for support, that is courageous and wonderful to hear. Mind are very good. It sounds like you made a decision to take care of yourself here. And those who love you will surely be glad that this is so. You haven’t let people down, you’ve let yourself and your wellbeing be important. From the sounds of it you were experiencing severe stress, and you’ve stayed in a country where you can get the help you need. Sometimes when life falls apart we can feel lost. But opportunity does tend to come around again, and we can often look back and see that when we listen to our own inner wisdom and needs it can be best decision in ways we can’t now see. We wish you courage!
Good article. There is plenty of useful advice here to stay abroad and work through the feelings gradually. But it’s possible someone will be happier in the country they were born in and there is no shame in admitting that. The pressure one oneself to “live your best life” comes not just from friends but from social media and the advertising industry – everyone is looking for that perfect photo of themselves. And if it’s true that “A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it” (great quote!) then it’s perfectly fine to return home.
So I agree with the article but find some of the advice contradictory i.e. don’t be tough on yourself but still work through it. Instead you could just return home and stop trying to make it work. Going away and coming back is also a really great way to get to know yourself and what you want. Perhaps those looking to move abroad should travel for long stints without the commitment of moving permanently before making the decision to move permanently.
Thanks for the feedback. We didn’t mean to say that there is anything wrong with not wanting to live abroad, in fact with our current environmental crisis we all need to stop travelling so much. So yes, there is nothing wrong with going home if that’s the deep desire.
I recently moved back to Ireland after helping my folks with their business in UK, I’ve spent 2 year there helping out within the business. I’ve been to Ireland previously lived there for 3 years now this is my 2nd time round and I am here only couple of months and I feel very depressed because I feel like I have ran away from home. I had my family and enjoyed the company of others but now I don’t seem to have much. It feels like I’ve got a better paid job but I am miserable. Not sure if I’ve made a mistake.
I moved to the US with my child about 18 months ago to get married. My husband is a wonderful man and my child is in school and all should be well. Except i’m spoiling it all because i feel like i’m being eaten away from the inside by depression. As much as i try i just can’t adjust to America and i’m finding nothing to hold on to while i put down roots, i’m finding no redeeming features to concentrate on and keep myself distracted. I moved to different parts of the UK and thought i was good at adjusting and visited lots before i made the move but visiting is not staying. If i tell my husband he’d understand but it would crush him and he has enough to deal with with his business. Plus my child has been through so much and has had their own struggle to adjust that i can’t rock their boat any more. So i’m stuck, it’s like being dead and everyone you know has forgotten about you and they’re carrying on like you were never there, except you get to see them do it and America is like a parallel universe where everything is kind of the same except awful and full of sugar.
Hi Matty, give it time. They usually say the six month mark is when things start to smooth out. And you might want to start a gratitude practise in the meantime http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise good luck!
Hi Steph, 18 months is enough time to point to the fact that you might be suffering from depression. Would you consider reaching out for some counselling? When we are depressed, even if just mildly, our brain gets stuck in negative thinking and even if a miracle landed on our head we wouldn’t see it, as our brain really has blinders on. Counselling could help you break through. A good therapy to start with might be CBT, it focuses on helping you manage negative thinking and is great for anxiety and depression. You don’t even need to talk about your past much, and it’s short-term. Good luck!
I’m 21, and I moved to Australia 1 year and a half ago to be with my boyfriend who i’ve met online (we’ve been dating for almost 3 years now) but i still miss Canada.. I’ve dealt with what i thought was homesickness the first couple months i’ve been here but then all of a sudden its come back today. Its not that i want to move back to my home country or anything its just, I miss it. I miss my family and friends that are there and i miss having a close relationship with my mum.. Seeing how close my boyfriend and his mum is makes me feel depressed and lonely.. Im not sure why im saying all this to everyone. i just.. dont have anyone to talk to about things like this that’d understand how im feeling.
Katie, it’s normal when living in another country to have waves of homesickness randomly now and then. What concerns us more is that you have nobody to talk to. Could you afford any kind of counselling? If so, it’s more than enough of a reason to give it a whirl.
I’m actually planning to pursue my masters in the UK.My field of study is Media Communications. I’m from India.
It’s been a while that I got my offer letter from the university of hertfordshire and I’ll probably be able to make it in the September intake.
My reason for choosing to move abroad is I was finding ways to escape from some of the family situations and moreover my mother is schizophrenic.Relentlessly I was trying to get out of the abnormalities I get to face at home forgetting the fact of dealing with a balanced lifestyle.
Hence I started my process of compiling all that’s needed (fee,flight tickets,visa etc) But I started to have this pitful feeling in me.I was unable to realise it.Day by day my mental health started to break down and I was trying to hide it from my family,friends and cousins.
Studying in a university,abroad,means having to put a huge amount of money and performing well.But I wasn’t telling anybody of how I’m feeling. I got a lot of doubts.While reading this article I was able to relate to it.
Please advice me something on should I continue with the plan or cancel it for a while.
Thank you.
Continuing the above reply.
Please suggest me something as I feel emotionally blocked in all the ways.
I’m a Literature, journalism and psychology graduate with psychology as my major.
I have actually applied for psychology and media communications for my masters but had to choose the second one because of my financial issue.
Right from childhood I had a very disturbed family background as my mother is schizophrenic and I have a younger brother who is turning out depressed too.
I have reached out for counselling many a times and was in medication,hypnotherapy and tests because I always used to feel odd living in such a family background which was disasterous. Now that I chose to move out to UK for education I’m getting various doubts in will I be able to adjust,have friends,be happy because I don’t have the required emotional space even in my family because of my mother’s issue.
Knowing this,my cousin who’s living in the UK has told me to come there to study as he and his family will be able to provide me with some emotional support. But the other day he messaged me that he might leave the place for work purpose in a while and asked me to be prepared for living on my own.I don’t know what to do.Actually I’m an artist.
I was into wall art,photography, films and music.I have a little confidence that I’ll be able to be happy when I come to the UK for my study but simultaneously I’m finding myself in an emotionally broken place as I have to move out.
Some of my friends know the situations in my family.But this phase for me is causing mixed emotions.A few days ago I consulted a spiritual reader who happened to tell that my situation is messed up and everything goes wrong. Now,all that I’m looking forward for is some support where I don’t get hurt anymore.
I honestly don t know if I’m making the right choice by going out of the country.But I feel that if I can come out of this negativity which I have at my home,I can do good.It’s all the ambiguity. Please suggest me something.
I’m actually getting a lot of hallucinations about it.At some point of time I wonder if I have schizophrenia because I was I make things over complicated and over think a lot.
I’m unable to figure out what my body is trying to say. There is certainly something unhealed as a part of me. Now that I have to live in a normal society,I’m scared it I’ll be able to adapt or if these mental health issues of mine will foreshadow the lifestyle of a normal person.
Swetha, I’m afraid we can’t tell you what to do. that would be very irresponsible of us, to tell someone what to do over a comment box on the internet without knowing the person. And in fact a good therapist never tells a client what to do but just asks good questions and listens….The only person who can make that decision is you. What we would say is that you are evidently going through a lot of anxiety. This is to some extent normal. Leaving home is very stressful, leaving for another country entirely, hugely stressful. But you can’t predict the future. Yes, you might face challenges. On the other hand, you could have an amazing experience. The one thing we’d say here is, try not to think in black and white, either/or, as if each decision is the end of the world once made… this sort of rigid thinking is caused by anxiety, but it doesn’t do us any favours. Because the truth is even if you did go, and it didn’t work out, you have the choice of buying another plane ticket and going back home.
Try not to jump to big conclusions. Just because your mother has schizophrenia is no proof you will. And everyone has many unhealed parts, is afraid at times, worries if they are normal or not. Believe it or not, nobody has it all together, that is a myth. Being a grown up can be hard, and at times very challenging. It’s part of the process of being a human. You sound self aware and resourceful, you might be more powerful than you give yourself credit for.
Swetha again it’s up to you. A spiritual reader probably just read the anxiety you were sending out. You are a resourceful woman, you decide the future with your own choices. Will there be struggles, will you make mistakes, will some things go bad no matter what you decide? Absolutely. Welcome to humanity. Will others things go really well, will you experience good things and joy as well? Absolutely. In summary, we can’t predict the future, we can however create it with our choices and attitudes. One person’s hell is another person’s heaven. But we would say you are suffering from anxiety. that’s something to continue to get support on. And here’s a fun exercise for you. Imagine you are talking to your 80 year old self. What does she have to about it? And what about your 5 year old self? Good luck.
Thank you for a great article.
After having worked abroad for a holiday company and moved between many countries for years (and loving it most of the time) I have now six months ago ”settled” in Brighton with my partner who is British (I am Scandinavian). My partner doesnt have a lot of people around him and rarely sees his friends, he doesnt have the same social need as I do. So far I gone through two jobs, both which I had high hopes for and that I thought was going to give me a sense of belonging and a few friends, but neither of them worked out. I am now unemployed again, broke and I still dont know a single person I could meet up with or call a friend. I have a few friends in other countries but I think they are getting tired of me. I am feeling really unwelcomed and lonely here since everything is so much harder than back home and at the same time really confused about what to do career wise and with my life. My partner is feeling more and more like he is responsible for me not being happy, even though our relationship is great. I cant afford therapy but would of course like to feel better so I can get a job again, but I dont know where to start
Hi Matilda, six months might seem a long time but in this sort of situation it’s not. Try not to be hard on yourself about this, it’s quite normal to feel lost at sea and to have tension in your relationship over this. Give yourself some credit for recognising the problems and trying to find solutions. Sounds like you are making active steps to figure everything out, you’ve had a few false starts, but try to just keep focussing on that next step. What is super helpful is to find other people who ‘get it’, who are going through the same situation as you. Brighton is a great place to be, there are many expats and you are a quick train ride to London. Have you used meetup.com or internations.com? They are both great places to find people who are also expats or who share your interests. Meetup.com is free to use, and there will be many social groups in Brighton. Also know that in the UK there is free counselling available, you can talk to a GP and get a referral. Sometimes there is a long wait but they might give you quite quickly an online program that can be helpful. Otherwise 3rd and 4th year counselling students are always looking for clients for low cost or free, and Brighton has a few schools there. We recommend you read our article on free and low cost counselling for more ideas like this http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Finally, have you considered volunteering? It doesn’t help with being broke, true, but it looks good on a CV and it can really help moods and make us feel more a part of the community. Good luck!
This is a great article. I’ve just moved to Thailand (Phuket). I had the initial excitement and buzz of living abroad and all it would bring. My partner was more reserved and worried about the move and I was the main driving force. Since arriving I haven’t been able to sleep properly for the last 7 nights and it’s really taking a toll on my mood. I feel very anxious all the time and want to return home ASAP. I have a wonderful opportunity in front of me and I can’t seem to shake this uneasy feeling. Will I ever feel as I did before and be able to sleep properly. My partner is coping with the move much better than me and she has been brilliant for me. I feel I’m draining and bringing her down. I feel lost and unsure what to do.
Hi Kieran, totally normal. You are probably the sort that doesn’t like change, and might already be prone to anxiety, and the move has triggered it. 7 days is hardly any time at all. Give yourself six months, expect a lot of ups and downs and challenges, and take one day at a time. Do your best to drop any and all comparison. You are you, not your partner. What worries us here is not that you are are anxious about a big move (normal) but that you seem to feel overly responsible for how your partner feels. You might want to read our article on codependency https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/great-codependency-hoax-codependent.htm
I’m in this process now. I’ve moved full of expectations and optimism, but then as the days went by and the freenzi of being in a foreign country on my own passed… Well, it was bad. I was very lonely, not that I didn’t go out and met people but they weren’t my friends. The friends that I had back home were one by one getting more and more distant. The course that I was taking was not inspiring and the teachers were absolutely not helpful. And when something bad happent I didn’t have my family to be with, I didn’t have one to talk to or to give me a hug. So I started to find everything awful… The people were rude, the food was bad, the climate impossible… I came to hate te country and everything about it. I isolated myself even more, avoiding people at all costs. Started having these anxiety problems and couldn’t sleep so I has headaches everyday, then I got into medication for that. Now I have three papers to write which make me be stressed all the time and I keep thinking about how I hate my life, how I wish I was never born and that everthing ‘s gonna go bad because I am just so weak. So, basically I’m very lost. I feel like I don’t knoe who I am anymore. I feel like I have no one. I am all alone. I want to better, to “think positively” (as everyone keep telling me), but I just don’t know how to crawl out of the hole I got myself in to.
Gosh Camila that sounds tough. The medication is for the headaches? They sound like anxiety headaches, did the doctor at all recommend some talk therapy? So you could have someone you really trust to talk to about all this? It sounds like you are depressed. Things like people telling you to ‘think positively’ would therefore just make you feel worse and more lonely. Your school will probably have low cost or free counselling for its students, would you consider giving it a go?
I relate to everything that has been said on this page.. I just moved halfway across the world to France from Canada to attend university. I’m 17 turning 18 and this has all been incredibly emotional. It’s been 2.5 weeks which I know isn’t a lot but time is going by SO slowly here. I don’t think I can handle this for months and months even if I do go home at Christmas break etc.. From the moment I arrived, I have been incredibly emotional, easily crying at any mention of home and seriously doubting whether this university and place is what I want or just what I thought I wanted. Why did I move so far away? The thing is I’m doing everything to take care of myself, socialize a TON and try to get sleep. I have developed debilitating anxiety and started having panic attacks. I can’t enjoy things such as my parents coming to visit because it makes me anxious about having to say goodbye and not having enough time with them due to an intense class schedule. When I call my parents, I simply just cry and talking to them usually doesn’t make me feel better but not being in contact makes me anxious. People here are lovely but I can’t be alone anymore and my sleep is so messed up that I always wake up after 6 to 7 hours of sleep and ALWAYS before my alarm. It’s usually due to major morning anxiety. Does time really make this all better? How will I know when it’s actually bad or I made the wrong choice? My mental health has taken such a hit. I miss my parents and boyfriend so much. I’m afraid that going home at Christmas will set me back with these feelings. I can’t handle it all.
2.5 weeks is very little time. You just sound like someone who has never been away from home and now is, that’s all. On the other hand, this is a lot of overthinking, with a lot of cognitive distortions, such as predicting the future. So we would say you likely were already prone to anxiety and this move has triggered it. All major universities now provide free or low cost counselling to their students, we’d advise you reach out for some support. Who knows, by Christmas this might all seem like a lot of drama, and you might by then be not even wanting to go home as you are enjoying your independence, but seek support anyway as there is a definite strong pattern of negative thinking here. As for tons of socialising, if you don’t feel like it then don’t, listen to yourself. And 7 hours of sleep is fine, more than many get. Finally, read our guide to student stress here – https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/student-stress-what-is-it.htm
This article is very good.
Myself I moved from Canada to Australia 3 years ago. The first year it is a new adventure and life is beautiful. After you start to wonder if you did the right thing to move. The visas are very diffucult and give a lot of pressure. Now I love my job, I have a partner from Europe but we both have no support in Australia. I miss my family a lot meaning I would like moving with him in Canada but he would like to move back to Europe. It’s hard to make a decision. We have been talking about it for 1 year now on where to live. The middle ground for us is Australia but again we both miss our family. Then if you decide of moving back by yourself you’re afraid of regretting losing a good person and maybe missing Australia. How do you get around such a big decision?
Hi Samantha, that is tough! I suppose the compromise would be to agree to several years in both countries, but that could be very difficult with work etc, although there are many families nowadays living this sort of semi nomadic lifestyle and all sorts of expat communities in all major cities. We hope you find the answer that works for you. Best, HT
Hi we moved from songapore to Canada just recently. We hv stayed in singapore for 13 years and it became my home but my hubby never felt like this n Canada has been his dream so I gave up and we moved. But now I am finding everything very difficult. We moved to Vancouver and there is no Uber or grab here. Staying in singapore you are use to easy commute lots of vibrant people festivities multi cultural place but here I find myself stuck! No friends no place to go I failed my road test twice for stupid mistakes and now I am totally home bound. My hubby has job which requires extensive travel and me n my two kids we are at home. I so want to go back to singapore but can’t… I feel claustrophobic here as if I am stuck in a jungle and no escape. I feel so low. Here as winters are coming it gets darker earlier and I am so much outdoors person I use to go for run at beach boot camps sea side and now nothing as it rains most of the time.
I miss my life my friends my support system. I really don’t like it here
My kids hv started school and hubby has started work so everyone is busy. I can’t start work as I don’t hv work permit what shd I do? Is there a rewind button in life?
Hi Shubz. First of all give it time. Second of all look to number 3 in the article. Stay open. Third of all, what we see happening in the above is that your perspective has frozen in the negative. Negative thinking to this extreme leads to cycles of low moods. Consider starting a gratitude practise to shift this http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise. Otherwise you might want to consider a round of CBT, it’s a short term therapy that focuses exclusively on gaining control of negative thinking and coming to a space of balance. It helps with anxiety and depression.
I’m a 64-year-old man who has spent my entire adult life moving homes and countries…50 homes, 8 cities and 5 countries in 45 years! I’ve also been married 5 times, hence no stability with either relationships or location…I’m sure there is a connection! My last marriage ended 12 years ago, while I was living in the UK. My former wife had a child with a new partner and when that relationship did not work out, she decided to move back to Canada in 2013. I followed her. We lived separately but remained friends and I become a dad to her young son. After a couple of years, I pushed to return to the UK so I could be closer to my friends. Eventually, we all made the move back to the UK in 2017, where we also lived separately. However, after settling back in the UK for two years (definitely a pattern), I then wanted to return to Canada and convinced my former wife to also move back. It was partly because I owned an apartment in Canda and life was easier financially. However, I’m sure you can see what’s coming next…The moment the decision to move back was made, I regretted it and after being back in Canada a few months, I became depressed. I recently sold my Canadian apartment and now I’m back in the UK alone and in some kind of limbo. I have only been back a few weeks and have not made any commitments to stay. I’m profoundly confused and feel somewhat lost. Beyond my 45 year pattern of instability, I’m sure the relationship with my former wife and her son is also having an impact on my decisions..I’m very close to her son…I miss him and he misses me, but I’m not sure if this is helpful for any of us long term. It could be a mutual support network or unhealthy co-dependency? The good news is that they are very happy with their new home and school in Canada and she has said that she will not move again. At 64 I need to find some kind of resolution. I can retire in Canada in a couple of years, so it does make sense to just go back and stay there, but in order to do that, I need to abandon the dream of being back in the UK. As I write this it all seems like a very self-indulgent first world problem! However, I feel I’m running out of time and money and for the sake of my mental health, I need to make a commitment to stay in one place for the rest of my life. How do I break this 45-year pattern and find some peace of mind?
Hi Robert. You are evidently a smart and resourceful person. If there was some fast obvious answer, we are sure you would have found it. What is wise is that you recognise this is a pattern. And that you recognise this same pattern of anxiously seeking something better and never feeling anything is quite right is the same one that caused relationship issues. Often, if you do some deep work with a therapist, people with these sorts of issues discover deep rooted unconscious beliefs about not belonging (unconscious beliefs are what secretly drive our decisions in life, not what we ‘think’ consciously). It often turns out that something happened, in childhood, that knocked their sense of belonging anywhere, or sometimes of being good enough to belong. It might be that they grew up moving or with instability, often it’s that there was trauma or neglect, or it can sometimes be all of this. They hide these things behind a conscious belief that all the instability in their life is because they want the best thing for themselves. Here’s a good question – if you are seeking a sense of home, of ‘this is it’ – have you ever experienced that feeling before? Or are you in fact seeking something that you don’t actually know how to feel? Do you ever truly feel you belong? What is belonging to you? Also, do you always create a ‘one or the other’ decision for yourself in life? a cliffhanging drama that tortures you? And block all options of ‘both’? In summary, this is a pattern, but it will inevitably be a deep one. We’d recommend some deep diving with good support to dig out the beliefs driving it. On a good note, nowadays there is online counselling so you can work with one talk therapist no matter where you live.
I still get myself thinking that if I stayed in my home country maybe I would be able to have a better career now.
Since I moved abroad I just got jobs that do not consider my abilities because I am not that young and I am not fluent in the local language.
I am very frustrated after cleaning so many toilets. I feel like I just threw away all the years I spent at the university studying.
Now I have my family in a foreign country, I am about to have a baby, and I am worried the baby will be ashamed of a dumb mother who cannot speak the language or understand the culture of the place I chose to live. Besides, my career didn’t go anywhere and I do not have the motivation to work anymore.
That sounds really tough. And it’s a situation that is sadly common, with qualified people not having their qualifications accepted in other countries and having to fight their way back to where they were before. But as for your child, children tend to love and respect their parents as much as their parents love and respect themselves. If you are happy and proud, your child is likely to be happy and proud of you and him or herself. If you hate yourself and life, your child is likely to internalise that, even feel it’s their fault, and feel bad about themselves. So it’s very important to look at your perspective and self-esteem now and get help to repair it. What we sense here is actually depression, which leaves your viewpoint so trapped in the negative you would sabotage an opportunity even if did come knocking, and, yes, kills motivation. For example, if you are so depressed your self esteem has gone you won’t go out and find a language class to improve your situation as it all seems hopeless (even if it actually isn’t). You will be trapped in black and white thinking, and only seeing the worse. So what is very important is taking these low moods and low self esteem seriously and finding ways to change them. We don’t know what country you are in, but if in the UK or USA, we’d highly suggest you find some kind of support. There are actually many free support groups, for new mothers, for people who have moved country, really all sorts, do a google for support groups in your area. And there are also free or low cost counselling opportunities, read our article on how to find them http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Otherwise, you might want to read our self-help articles on gratitude http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise, mindfulness http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout, and journalling your way to better mental health https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/how-to-use-a-self-help-journal.htm. We wish you courage.
I moved to the United Kingdom 3years ago on a visit but my uncle convinced me to remain and not go back that he would help me out ..my visa got expired and after some months my uncle that convinced me to stay back kicked me out of his house and never fulfilled his promise..ever since I have lost confidence in myself and find it really hard to trust people..I often think about going back home as age is still on my side and don’t want to waste more years without no achievement..I am really concerned about my mental wellbeing and don’t want to go into depression..
Hi there, sounds tough. What is stopping you from making the decision? And what does ‘no achievement’ mean? You’ve come to another country and adapted enough to get by, isn’t that quite an achievement? It sounds like you are stuck in a cycle of negative thinking, which can indeed lead to depression and stop us taking positive action. You might want to learn about things like mindfulness, gratitude, and balanced thinking – use the search bar to find articles on all these subjects on our site.
Hi there!
Moving to husband’s country at the age of 40….in my own i was working, driving, socializing and best of all being with MY family that has always been everything for me…. now don’t get me wrong i love my hubby and kids….the move has been really good for them considering whole of hubbys family is here so it’s weekend plans that are so thrilling for everyone but leave me drained out. Working here means lots of exams in my profession ( 40 yrs old!!! ) but i do plan to pursue .. driving ( ask husband for help ) monetary ( ask ) , even learning the currency with my 3 year old… it’s good and i shouldn’t be complaining but its hard… no friends …not many friendly people around and me being an introvert doesnt help either… so from everything to nothing is hard … don’t want to say it to people around me cuz i do sound ungrateful when i do so…
Hi Sana sounds like it’s a fairly new situation. Will definitely take a lot of time to settle in so as the article suggests, expand your time container and lower your expectations, and hang in there! All things have a good side and a bad side, but when we move abroad it can take up to three years to settle and see the positives (that we then find we miss when we do go back home…). If you have nobody to talk to and if you had the budget, consider some counselling… sometimes it’s a tremendous relief to have someone you can vent to without feeling guilty, and you can always work with a therapist from back home over online. Best, HT.
I moved to Canada as a child after my mother remarried when I was ten. We’d moved countries before so that wasn’t new. I think when the excitement wore off, I really wanted to come ‘home’ to the UK. I never have and now I’m fighting depression over my loss of country, and loss of my father at that time, who we weren’t really allowed to grieve. Is fulfilling this dream the road to recovery? I realize I’ve had time to accept the loss of my father, but I’d never accepted the loss of my country. I’ve never let myself truly feel that I want to go back as my family here wouldn’t like it. But is acceptance of the loss of country the path, or is moving the right path? I can’t bring myself to ‘let go’ of the UK.
It sounds, Philip, like the loss of your father is intertwined here somehow, you say you’ve ‘accepted’ it but acceptance and grief aren’t the same thing. We can’t tell you what is right for you, that is up to you. But we are curious about this idea there are only two possible choices. Why don’t you just visit the UK? Or spend a few months there? You don’t have to decide to ‘go back forever’. It’s not black or white, so what in you is making it this way? And what is that really about? Do you have a belief that you are only allowed one thing in life? That you always have to lose one thing to have another? Interesting, isn’t it? Best, HT.
Hello,
I’m 26 and have moved 18 times. I actually love change and the big project of planning a move and making a place a home. But I do cause a lot of uprooting and chaos in my life do to the instability I grew up with. However, once I’m settled reality kicks in. I was born in Germany and moved to Canada when I was 5. Back to Germany at 12, back to Canada at 16 (alone due to selfish ambitions) and back to Germany with my husband 3 years ago. We only stayed for a year. Now that we are back and settled in our home in Canada, I strongly regret moving. I miss our family and friends in Germany that we are closer to. It feels like even though we are very blessed and have accomplished many goals, our house feels so empty and I feel so alone. My husband said in 3 years when we are closer to our mortgage renewal we can discuss the possibility of moving back. He is Canadian and I’m scared that I will make him unhappy if we permanently move to Germany because I’m so homesick. I know he loves the people there too but the culture is very different and he would have to give up a few of his hobbies that he really enjoys here. However, I know there are many things he would enjoy like the shorter winters, the food etc.
How can we make a sound decision and how can I not be caught in this intense homesickness. I have never been as homesick as I am now because I have everything I dreamed of having in Canada and I realize it’s a bunch of emptiness when I’m missing out on everything at home in Germany with the people I love so dearly.
My husband is so loving and we spend a lot of time doing things together but I know he can’t replace all of the family roles to me.
I moved abroad two years ago and this is my third. I did my master’s degree and I am now pursuing a PhD. Every time I go back home on holidays, I have trouble adjusting when I return. I love being at home and want to return once I get my degree. It takes a toll on me when I leave my home to go back and I don’t know how to adapt all over again. I get anxious and depressed and each time is harder than before. I get homesick all the time. I am trying to distract myself, but I don’t have many friends or close friends. I was in a different city and since I had really good friends, I can feel the difference here even though I have moved a year ago to my current city. I tell myself that it is normal to feel that way and try to speak with a close friend back home. It makes things better, but sometimes I get this overwhelming feeling and end up looking at photos and videos of my family which makes things worse.
Thank you for this information! I needed it desperately. It cleared so much up for me.
We are a family of 4 and lived in 8 different countries over the last 20 years. We just found our final destination (I think). The journey had wonderful experiences, but now I am just tired and exhausted (and feel ashamed to admit, while we are the ones who did it to ourselves 🙈).
But after reading this post, I know the feeling is normal. Thanks again!! All the best for you!!
I moved to Australia from Canada one week ago. I made the decision last summer when I was living with my parents and we got a new puppy. I was extremely overwhelmed and vowed to get out on my own. The cost of living is so high, that struggling in my own apartment never felt like the right answer. As a teacher by trade (a profession I don’t enjoy and haven’t done for a few years) I found out how much they make in Australia and I was sold. I saved up, sold my car (which I loved), and got all of my ducks in a row to go. Here I was, moving to a new country because a puppy disrupted my regular routine (I love him very much, it was just a lot of work, but I quickly settled into the new routine). As my move got closer, I felt worse and worse about it. I sat on my flight thinking to myself over and over “why am I doing this”. It felt wrong for months. Now that I’m here, I cry everyday. I am miserable. I miss my family and my friends. This doesn’t feel like the right decision. I want to go home, but everyone keeps telling me to stick it out, saying it will get better. I don’t know what to do.
Hi,
I moved from Canada to the UK in 2015, to be closer to my Granny, and to be closer to my mother and my sisters who had moved here a few years ahead of me. Two years ago, my Granny passed away from cancer, and a year ago my mother had to start treatment for cancer (which is cured now).
Also over the last year, a lot of my friends from back home – I had been a member of a writing group and a parish choir where most of the members were older than me by a lot – so a lot of those friends have been passing away. Then a month ago, I got news from back home that my Grandpa had died.
I’m not coping with it. I keep dreaming about moving home, and people I was especially close to, like my choir director (who was a mentor to me and who is still there last I heard), or my parish priest, or other old friends who were closer than others aren’t there anymore in the dream and I can’t find them anywhere. The dreams have prompted me to reach out to a few people from back home to see about maybe doing a zoom call, but haven’t heard back from anyone because of course everyone is busy.
When I was up I feel so lost and lonely that I feel sick, and I wonder if this dreaming about moving back home and everything that made it home being different or gone, is that normal for an expat? And the dreams that come with this longing for home that I don’t normally have time to feel during the day? Is this just a part of grieving that will pass?
I’m so torn. We did the expat thing for 8 years – two different countries – and came home to Australia so the kids could lay roots here. We nearly went again a few years later as my husband and I both love the overseas experience, but backed out of an amazing job opportunity at the last minute so we didn’t move the kids again.
We now have an opportunity to go again and if we do, the money earned will see us reach retirement five years earlier and also be able to possibly help our kids with university fees and possibly a small contribution match to saving for an apartment deposit. I can barely sleep though – we are a close family and the two kids are at home, and I can’t imagine not seeing them every day. Our kids are now 22 (not too worried about this one) and 18 (just started uni – feel they still need us).I feel like we are abandoning them and worry that we won’t be here to guide them with important choices. We would put them in an apartment and ensure their finances are taken care of – they’d still need a part time job for ‘lifestyle’ but we’d put a roof over their head and pay utilities so they can finish their degrees.
The anxiety about making the wrong choice is keeping me up at night. We haven’t told the kids yet as we want to be sure the job comes off, then get their opinion but even if they tell us it is fine I still feel like we are stepping away from our parental obligations too early. And my goodness, I’ll miss them! We will see them a few times a year and the contract is for two years …
Are we wrong for even contemplating this overseas move? It is to a country that would not be a good move for them, even if they wanted to come – the money is VERY good as it is considered a hard-ship post and we would be making big lifestyle sacrifices living there. But, as I said, we would go from saving virtually nothing each month to being financially independent within 2 years.
I just moved to Berlin one month ago to study. I had visited it before and I loved the vibrant life and art scene it offered. I got accepted in my dream university studying what I love and at first I was really excited and proud of me achieving it. However, I feel very alone now. Connecting with family and friends back home is feeling a bit foreign to me and I dont want to bother anyone talking about my feelings. I feel very out of place here. Everything is so different and I feel pressured all the time to meet new people and go out. My social anxiety is back stronger than ever which means I dont have any friends to hang out with in uni. My parents were cheering me up a lot before I came and if I want to go back… I dont want to disappoint them and all the people around me. I wanted to move out of my home country so bad, but now I wonder if I made the right decision. I was more confident there, had an established support system and all my friend circles. I am very stuck and feel like I have no way out. I am already starting to leave the classes because of my social anxiety. I dont want to be a disappointment to myself and my parents but.. I really dont know what to do and whats right or not
I am moving with my Spanish wife from the US to Spain after 25 years together. Early retirement for.both of us and she gets to finally be with her family. Whirlwind 5 months including selling our house graduating our only child from high school, grad parties ect….now with just 20 some days before departure sitting in a almost empty house it’s like something clicked and massive anxiety. and depression are here. It’s like the adrenaline of the whole process kept it at bay and now that we are in the.home stretch…I’m a mess. I have been to.spain over 30 times and have the support Spanish Family and friends so I k.ow exactly what I am getting but still have those feelings
i have read all the posts and feel like a lot of the people on this blog, i particularly feel akin to alexandra the lady who lives in Switzerland and cyprus. I am italian (funnily enough not far from Switzerland) but live in England with my english husband.
i have felt that i dont belong to either countries for a long time, i was a ski instructer in italy and i have had a knee replacement last year that did not go well and i so understand alexandra because i now cannot do what i used to be able to do, i have been in englad for 3 decades and incrisingly feel i dont belong but then when i go to italy to see my siblings i do not belong there either, can i corrispond with alexandra directly if she wants to?