Narcissistic Parenting – Was This Your Childhood?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 14, 2023
by Andrea M. Darcy
Often wonder if your current issues have to do with the way you were parented? And worry that the lack of unconditional love but copious amounts of control you dealt with as a child might mean you suffered narcissistic parenting?
A study published in the International Journal of Psychology and Psychological Therapy that interviewed over 400 young adults directly linked adolescent anxiety and depression with having a narcissistic parent.
14 signs of narcissistic parenting
*Note that ‘ narcissistic parenting’ does not necessarily imply your mother, father, or guardian has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). They might just have narcissistic traits. More on that below.
1.Your parent saw you as an extension of them.
Instead of being encouraged to have your own personality, you parent expected you to make them look good.
Many parents can fall into having unfair expectations, being controlling at times, or demanding you make them proud. The difference is that a narcissistic parent refuses to ever see you as an individual. Even when you are a grown up yourself, you are supposed to be what they want.
2. They lived out their wishes and dreams through you.
You wore the clothes they wanted their child dressed in. Played the violin or piano or a certain sport because they did, or wanted to but were never given the opportunity. Were expected to go to a certain university they did. Or to have a career they wanted but weren’t allowed to go for.
3. Admiration was required.
As very young children we naturally look up to our parents. A narcissistic parent would encourage this, asking you if they are pretty, or if you think they are the best, making sure you know their previous accomplishments.
When you became an older child and perhaps dared to notice your parent wasn’t doing something other parents were? Or even made a hint that your parent wasn’t doing things right? This would be met with quick anger or punishment, such as in the form of withdrawn affection or ‘suddenly’ being unable to afford your school trip.
4. Questioning what you were told was not an option.
Again, you were to be in line with your narcissistic parent, and their ideas and desires.
Whereas healthy parenting or even good enough parenting embraces a child disagreeing or developing his own ideas? Narcissistic parenting demands agreement.
5. Sadness, anger, being moody? Not allowed.
You weren’t allowed to ‘upset’ your parent. And having emotions they didn’t like was part of that.
Many children of narcissistic parents grow up with identity issues because of this. They are unable to know what they really feel or need as adults as they spent their life hiding such things.
6. Having such emotions meant being shamed or belittled.
Shame and guilt are main tools of narcissistic parenting. Perhaps they told the other parent or your siblings a funny story about it all later, in front of you, mocking you. Or called you a baby, or other unkind names.
7. You lived on eggshells because of their temper.
A narcissistic parent is quick to anger. There would be no chance to explain why you did what you did or defend yourself. You would simply be met with fury and punishment.
8. You were punished for seeing your parent act at less than their best.
A narcissist needs to be admired. So if you perchance saw your parent crying, too drunk, or making a fool of themselves? You might be punished for it, such as being ignored or treated as if it was your fault for ‘spying’.
9. You were not allowed to seem weak in public.
The rule was to always act like your home life was wonderful. Anything less would be seen as an act of betrayal.
10. You were blamed for things you didn’t do.
Your mother is tired? You wore her out talking, or by daring to be in the room at all. Your father is late home from work again? It’s because you leave your toys everywhere, which makes him not want to come home. Again, guilt and shame are the tools used against you.
11. You were set against your siblings.
Some narcissistic parents will amuse themselves by setting children against each other, encouraging them to fight for affection.
12. Your parent tried to charm any of your friends who came over.
Instead of having time alone with friends there was your parent, demanding attention. That is if they let you have any real friends at all. Many narcissistic parents don’t like their children having independent lives.
13. You were blocked from being independent.
Your parent would use emotional blackmail to stop your independence. You want to go away for the weekend with your girlfriend’s family? Your mother doesn’t feel well and will only get worse if you leave. Or your father isn’t sure he’ll ‘feel the same about you’ afterwards.
14. Love came with conditions.
Sometimes you were heaped with praise. You were made to feel loved. But it came with strings attached. You were loved if you kept being talented, pretty, ‘good’. Or if you continued to do what your parent wanted.
And you were never to outshine your narcissistic parent. Or you would be knocked back into line. If someone called you prettier than your mother, she’d cut your hair off because ‘it suited you better’. If you were offered a summer apprenticeship at your father’s firm and people liked you more, suddenly you were ‘no longer needed’.
Symptoms of surviving narcissistic parenting
You can also look at how you ended up as an adult. Narcissistic parenting takes a toll. This can look like:
- never being sure what you think or feel
- or having identity issues
- not being able to set and stick to personal boundaries
- being stuck in the victim mentality
- feeling guilty and ashamed about, well, everything
- fear and anxiety about making life choices
- ending up in relationships where you have to ‘earn’ love
- or relationships where you become what the other person wants.
By: Chris Selvig
The sign you you might not want to see
As survivors of narcissistic parenting, we often end up with some narcissistic traits ourselves, such as manipulation and emotional blackmail. Of course we do – this is what we learned was love and the way to get love.
So we end up, for example, codependent. On the surface we seem giving and thoughtful. But in return for taking care of the other we demand they love us and do what we say… we are controlling them. And if they don’t agree, we punish them for not ‘appreciating all our efforts’… aka, we manipulate.
Is my parent actually a narcissist with NPD?
Not necessarily.
If there is one area of life that can pull out the worst in people, it might be parenting. A parent is given a huge amount of power, and too much of parenting plays out behind closed doors.
So if we had a parent with unresolved childhood issues of their own, parenting becomes the easy environment for them to all play out. And they might have narcissistic traits which come into play, which is not the same as having a personality disorder.
The definition of a narcissist
To qualify as having a personality disorder, you must have symptoms across many areas of your life, not just parenting, and your symptoms must have been prevalent and continuous since early adulthood.
According to the ICD-10, the diagnostic manual put out by theWorld Health Organisation and adhered to here in the UK, in order to qualify as having NPD you must have at least five of the following symptoms:
- a grandiose sense of self-importance
- preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty
- believes that he or she is “special” and unique
- requires excessive admiration
- has a sense of entitlement
- is interpersonally exploitative
- lack of empathy
- often envious of others or believe that others are envious of him or her
- arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes.
So if your parent had a normal job, an average life otherwise, but was a monster with his or her children? They might not be a narcissist, but just a damaged person and a bad parent.
Recovering from narcissistic parenting
If we didn’t have unconditional love in our formative years we end up with depression, attachment issues, low self-esteem, negative core beliefs, and relationship problems.
It can be hard to see and break our unhealthy behaviours alone. A counsellor or psychotherapist creates a safe space where we don’t have to be pleasing or perfect, and where we can learn what a trusting relationship actually looks like.
Need help to recover from narcissistic parenting? We connect you with some of London’s best and most highly rated talk therapists. Or use our booking platform to find UK-wide registered therapists and online therapists you can talk to from anywhere in the world.
Still have a question about narcissistic parenting, or want to share your personal experience with other readers? Use the comment box below.
Andrea M. Darcy is a psychology and personal development writer with a background in person centred counselling and coaching. She’s published thousands of articles and is currently the editor and lead writer of this site. Find her on @am_darcy.
I feel my mum had/has narcissistic tendency especially, she would encourage interests/abilities she was interested in and ignore other areas where I showed abilities. Encourage male friends she liked to the point I felt she liked my husband more than me. When I told him I wished to separate he went to my parents, they ended up phoning me to state how foolish and bad I was. Before they listened to me.
I had breast cancer at 28, if we happened to be together years after and the cancer came up in conversation, other made sympathetic comments to me, mum would interrupt saying ‘ imagine how hard it was for me being her mother!’ There have been times when once again we were together at a public function and she was eating a dish she was convinced I must have a taste of. No matter how much I say no thanks she forces a mouthful into my mouth. She is very proud that my sister and I never argue with her and under the dilution that we respect and like her, instead we do love her but know if we were to disagree or complain or imply that something for our childhood has caused present problems, she pulls the emotional/guilt strings including her blood pressure goes up etc. I could go on but enough I say, I understand what is written above. I’m sorry if the above is confusing I have become distressed.
Anita, gosh, that certainly does sound like narcissistic parenting. And you are right re the fighting. Healthy conflict is a good thing and if you are not supposed to ever be angry, it’s not actually a good thing. And the story about your ex husband going to your parent and then you being called as if you were a child instead of a grown woman, oh dear! You say you are really distressed, so we gather the article has triggered a lot for you. Have you ever considered counselling? Just to get this all ‘off your chest’, so to speak, and to look at the ways you are still not speaking up and setting boundaries elsewhere? You are a powerful woman we don’t doubt it but sometimes this stuff eats away at us and counselling can be incredibly freeing. Best, HT
I need to find therapist’s who specialize in narcissistic parenting and marriage to narcissist, including divorce and child custody issues with a successful narcissist.
I have been told “no new patients (“due to Co-Vid) many times and I strongly feel they want nothing to do with this type of a need. I don’t want a therapist who is not interested nor one that does not specialize in these areas.
I have had a hard time finding a therapist that holds these qualities.
I am on his insurance and go in debt as a stay-at-home mom of two children awaiting legal decision on support. I need an affordable option that takes “United Healthcare PPO.”
Can you help me? ( I am seeking a therapist with the aforementioned traits for both myself and our children)
Question: If a person with experience with a narcissist often tends to become like a narcissist, how does one find a therapist for this who is not a narcissist? What sort of questions are wise to ask to field for this?
Hi Dawn, unfortunately we are not an American company, we are British. So we can’t help with your search for a therapist that works under that insurance. We understand that you are traumatised at the moment and that you’ve been through a lot, and we are sorry to hear that. In this sort of moment, it’s easy to divide the world into ‘narcissist/ not narcissist’. But it’s a divide that is created by internet writers (such articles garner a lot of attention) more than proper science or true psychology, so you’ll have a hard time finding a registered, professional and effective therapist who is going to wholeheartedly agree that everything in your life is because of narcissists, as unfortunately it’s not that cut and dried or simple. Or a therapist who specialises in narcissists as it isn’t a real speciality. You can, however, find many therapists who specialise in relating, in healing the past including but not limited to narcissistic parenting, in recognising and healing your own issues, raising your self esteem, and in helping you make better relationship and life choices for yourself and your children in the future. As for the idea that a person with experience with narcissists becomes like a narcissist, we are not sure where you got that idea from. As the article states, if we grow up with a parent with narcissistic traits, we can take on these ways of being. Children learn from adults and are forming who they are. But as adults we don’t suddenly ‘catch’ personality traits by being around others, and therapists spend four to seven years working at empathy, boundaries, and ethics. You get bad eggs in any industry but a therapist doesn’t become their clients, so not something to worry about. Best, HT.
Hi Dawn,
I came across this page this evening and thought I would drop a message to you ☺️
My situation is quite unique, it’s in going now for the past two years where I finally learnt my mother was a narcissistic..who went onto and still is trying to destroy my life. Could you kindly recommend a therapist In the uk who is familiar with narcissistic mother’s/daughters if you are familiar with any?
Thank you in advance!
Hi Kiran, Dawn is an American reader who left a comment, not the writer of the article. But we do advise you read our response to her comment below as it’s relevant here. Any therapist would be able to help you with a difficult mother/daughter relationship. All therapy is about helping you function better in the world and troubleshooting relationships is part of that. You can find our booking site here https://harleytherapy.com/
My main concern as a grownup child of a narcissistic parent is how to become a better parent yourself. How to identify you’re mistakes or our ways of “love” our parent showed us that are not ok. I’m scared of being like her and damaging my kid in the process. Is there a book by the writer I could buy?
Hi Alana, glad the article was of interest. I’ve not written a book as of yet although working on something! It’s a very good thing to question. There’s a book that might really resonate, called, ‘the Drama of Being a Child’ by Alice Miller. There’s two angles I’d then share here. First, this is all excellent stuff to explore in therapy, I’d highly recommend that, as therapy gives us a far clearer and honest perspective of ourselves then we can find by ourselves. Second, your kid is a human and one of the best ways we can avoid damaging our kids or being like our parents is to remember our kids aren’t us, and to take cues from our kids. I mean did your parents ever ask you what you felt or wanted or felt? You see that is the most important thing really. That we learn how to listen and communicate in ways that work for our kids, so we can be the parent he or she needs.So that if there is a problem, our kids will tell us. I find a certain book quite remarkable in this regard, it’s called “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Best, Andrea
My main problem is I always felt unloved by my parents. I kind of know that they were narcisstic that is why I grew up attracting other abusive people in my life. Be it my ex or my friends. I recently lost my father and I had to everything from his hospital stay to funeral. Now at present I don’t have a job and am living with my mother. I feel so unloved by my mother and she indirectly tries to make me small everything I do. I know she is inconfident from inside but these days behaves like sensitive widow. Throwing all her grief on me. When I am myself traumatised. I know therapy might help but my insurance does not provide for it. Plus the last therapist I had just discarded my views that your parents did not abuse you sexually hence no narcissim . I want to heal I do yoga but I want therapy as I have PTSD because of my parents plus ex.
Hi Raphael, that sounds tough. It’s extremely hard to live with our parents as adults. No matter how much work we’ve done on ourselves we end up stuck back in the relating patterns of childhood or being treated like we are still that child. Add to that you are both grieving and we can very much understand it’s a difficult situation. We are gathering you are in the USA, as in the UK you can go to your doctor and get a referral for free therapy although the wait time can be horrendous. We would suggest using our article on finding free to low cost therapy for inspiration http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. We also have a free guide to mindfulness which has been shown by research to help with stress and anxiety and is a great complement for a yoga practice http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. Also consider a grief support group, perhaps your mother might also be open to this idea. They are free support groups in many areas, give it a Google to see if there is one near you. Finally, just go easy on yourself. It’s okay to feel angry, upset, or confused given all this. Treat yourself gently and don’t judge yourself for being upset. We believe things will be a lot easier when you find a means to again live by yourself and be independent. Best, HT.
My mother has classic narcistic personality disorder symptoms. Though she is unaware. Me and had my siblings still struggle as adults dealing with her. My issue is I struggle for my mum to be in my thoughts without feeling stressed and very angry. I would like to let it go. But theres so much weve been through and she is still the same now. I have very little or no contact. But the memories and the impact of how I was treated wont go away. It impacts my mood and it causes me anxiety and sometimes nightmares.
Hi Beth, growing up with a narcissistic parenting isn’t unfortunately something we can just ‘let go’ because we want to. Cutting someone out doesn’t make memories or all the many, many maladaptive ways of thinking and behaving we developed as a child that helped us survive but now actually hold us back as adults. These are ways of thinking and behaving that we’ve spent years using, so they are entrenched in the fabric of who we think we are and can time and commitment to unpick as we find ourselves in the mess. It’s a healing journey we have to commit to, and we need to seek support. Self help isa great start, reading books and trying the tools they recommend, but in the case of growing up with a narcissistic parent we’d highly advise you find a counsellor or therapist you click with and get that support to move forward. Best, HT.
Not all narcissist give a crap about their looks or demand affection. Some just love the control. Mine would always play the victim, always. She was physically abusive and would go off like a bomb without warning. Everything was always her way or else. Had nothing to do with vanity. Some of these don’t apply to all narcissists. I once said I didn’t like Lima beans and got dragged to my room by my hair and punched multiple times in the stomach. I remember pans and knives flying across the house. When I got molested by my step dad and I told her about it, she made it all about her. “Look what he did to me!” Not “look what he did to my child!” I wasn’t asked if I was okay. I wasn’t but I was forced to keep strong for my little bros because she was being a self centered twat! My happiness in life triggered her. She hated me being happy. She always did what ever she could to destroy it. I haven’t spoken to her in many years now.
Hi there Miorskye. While there are hundreds of articles about ‘narcissism’ across the internet right now, making it easy to label anyone a narcissist, we are a psychology site, so we are working from the clinical over popular definition. Narcissism in psychology is not a synonym for mean. We obviously can’t say a diagnosis for her based on a comment and as we don’t know her. Narcissistic personality disorder is not related to physical violence or ‘going off like a bomb’, it is at heart about power and appearances. Violence and impulsivity are related to emotional dysregulation, which are more linked to either extreme borderline personality disorder, or antisocial personality disorder, or just rage issues. Her diagnosis is not really the key thing, the key thing here is you. You are taking care of yourself and not allowing her in your life. Totally understandable as a coping mechanism and self care. Yet you are researching her still and obviously still very affected by all of this. Have you had support in navigating the fallout from growing up with this unacceptable level of violence? If not, we’d highly recommend you seek professional support. This kind of childhood doesn’t just go away if we ignore it, it informs the way we relate to others and see ourselves, and there can be quite the healing road to get to the place we can step out of its shadow and finally feel safe and free. If you are on a low budget, we have an article here on how to source free to low cost therapy http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy Best, HT.
Hi Andrea & HT, right at the beginning of this article it states that narcissistic parenting does not equate to the parent having NPD, to which I agree.
Can I ask have you suffered from this kind of parenting yourself? Because I find some of your replies very insensitive and actually a little contradictory. Is this article saying that a narcissist can only be one if they are diagnosed with NPD? The issue with that is a narc will believe there is nothing wrong with their behaviour therefore is unlikely to go to the doctors to be diagnosed.
Saying violent behaviour has nothing to do with narcissim is not exclusively correct, a parent can display those narc tendancies on a consistent basis and also be explosive. Until you have lived in someone elses shoes, calling out and invalidating their experience is not really ethical for a therapist or psychologist.
Hi Natalia, as we are a therapy company, we go by current medical definitions over popular internet definitions many of which are not based at all on medical research. A ‘narcissist’ is not the same as someone who has NPD. We advise you to look at official definitions or read our article here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-a-narcissist.htm. Anyone can at times be a narcissist. And there is no such thing as a ‘narc’, this is popular label to condemn others with no relevance in medical communities. We prefer to see any and all clients as people, outside of labels, and to have empathy for all our clients, yes, even those with NPD. The exact symptoms required for a diagnosis of NPD according to the DSM are included in the article or you can refer to the official diagnostic requirements of the ICD depending on what country you are in. These are not up to us, they are carefully regulated. Anyone can be explosive, of course, whether they have NPD or not. Anger does not mean you have a personality disorder per se. And it is not part of a NPD diagnosis, or of NPD, as per the official diagnostic symptoms. If it’s at the level of another personality disorder it could be a dual diagnosis, but that is unlikely. If a parent has constant explosive anger that is consistent since they were a young adult and affects all areas of their life then it is more likely the official diagnosis would be BPD, which does have some crossover symptoms. Of course it depends on all symptoms looked at together and many other factors. We aren’t calling out or invalidating anyone, this article in no way attacks anyone nor do responses to comments. We are speaking about proper diagnostic information decided by teams of people whose career is to regulate these diagnoses and determine what is or isn’t a personality disorder. Sorry if that doesn’t fit with popular articles you’ve read elsewhere which you are free to prefer or use if that suits you more. Although we would advise to be wary of the content that encourages you to feel powerless, bad, and a victim. Good information is empowering and helps us see that now we are adults we cannot change our past but we are now in charge of healing and stepping into our personal power. As for whether someone who has NPD will seek help, it is often very unlikely. But we’d suggest you work from the space of your own experience. If you have a narcissistic parent, you cannot change them, you can only focus on working at getting help for your own symptoms. As for whether I grew up with a narcissistic parent, absolutely. Not that that it is relevant here. Regards, Andrea M Darcy, editor.
Hi can you connect me to a therapist that specialises in helping children of narcissistic parents? Thanks