Relationship Conflict – Still Fighting About the Same Old Things?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 6, 2023
By: Dimaz Fakhruddin
by Andrea M. Darcy
Playing out the same relationship conflict again and again? It’s as if we think the more we fight about something, the more our chances of finding answers. Instead, we end up exhausted, and cut off from the very person we want to feel close to.
[If you’ve found this article but aren’t repeating the same argument, just fighting too much in general? You might want to read our helpful guide to productive arguments].
So what do we do when we have a conflict on repeat in our relationship?
7 Things to stop now if you want to save your relationship
It’s actually more a case of what NOT to do. Here are seven things to drop now from relationship conflict, to create room for real communication and ways forward.
1. The wall of words.
Once relationship conflict starts it can be like floodgates have opened. We talk over each other, interrupt, and spar to get our arguments in.
What’s the hurry? Slow down and do that one magical thing we all tend to forget about when we enter the conflict zone — listen.
And really listen, not just with half of your brain as the other half manically plots what you are going to say next. Try repeating what they are saying in your head, and putting all your focus on your partner. You’ll be amazed at how much they might open up to you, given the gift of your undivided attention.
When they have said what they need to say, instead of jumping in right away, consider trying a beat of silence. It gives everyone a chance to collect themselves and breathe.
And sometimes a moment of quiet while looking into each other eyes can communicate more than a wall of words ever could.
2. The past.
By: BK
We’ve all done it. Caught up in a relationship conflict and sensing we are losing, we go for the kill by bringing in another similar ‘crime’ our partner has committed in the past. We are upset they didn’t congratulate us on a recent win at work, so we bring up a time a year ago they didn’t seem to care about a promotion.
If we do this every time we fight about something, it creates the snowball effect. What was really just a niggle becomes a massive issue spanning our entire relationship.
If there’s one thing we all have in common, it’s that none of us can change the past. So bringing up old disagreements during a fight simply makes your partner feel trapped and helpless.
Drop what’s been and gone and try focussing on the present issue causing your relationship conflict. It’s the only one you do have the power to change.
Or focus on the future of your relationship. A study at the University of Waterloo in Canada found that asking someone to imagine how they would feel about the relationship conflict in a year’s time helped them resolve issues faster. [1]
3. Invented intentions.
When we have spent a substantial amount of our lives with someone, we can assume we know them so well, we forget that they are another person with a mind of their own.
And one of the main things we assume is that we know the other person’s intentions. We assume they want to discuss money with us because they think we need to work harder, or that they want to fight about the kids because they don’t think we are being strict enough.
The truth is that most of us don’t have such clear intentions, and the intentions we do have tend to be about ourselves, not others.
And if you force intentions on someone, you force them into a corner. Stay open to positive outcomes instead. Perhaps your partner wants to talk about the kids because he doesn’t feel he’s doing enough, or he wants to discuss money because he secretly wants to downsize.
By: Roland Tanglao
4. The blame game.
A relationship can only work if it’s about mutual responsibility.
Blame, on the other hand, is about being right or wrong. Which means one person wins, and the other loses. Do you really want your partner to feel like a loser? Is that ever going to lead to greater trust and understanding between you? Or just to endless relationship conflict?
Life is a perspective. We all see things in different ways. If you are standing facing a statue, and someone else is standing behind a statue, is it really worth your effort to yell at them for hours for not seeing the nose that you see?
Researchers at the University of California carried out seven studies and found that fighting was not a negative between partners if they aimed to see each others’ perspective. They showed that feeling understood “may be a critical buffer against the potentially detrimental effects of relationship conflict.”[2]
Don’t bring other people into the conflict either, claiming they would agree with you. It’s a tool of the blame game, used to make your partner feel ganged up on. It isn’t fair on them, or to the third party you are speaking on behalf of.
5. Treating feelings as gospel.
Feelings are invaluable markers. If we consistently have a feeling around something, it shows us what we need to examine, and what is and isn’t working for us in life.
But feelings are not gospel, they can change rapidly, and they are not someone else’s responsibility.
What you feel passionately in the middle of a relationship conflict can be different an hour later. Believing feelings are ‘true’ in a heated moment can blind you to what the other person is experiencing. What is the real issue beneath your feelings? What needs to be fixed here, and how can you fix it, together?
5. Accusatory Phrases.
The words ‘always’ and ‘never’ have no place in useful conversations. They serve as blocks, not giving others any room to negotiate or change. And they usually come after the word ‘you’, in other words, they frame blame. ‘You always get so angry‘, ‘you never listen to me’.
If you hear yourself doing this, stop and rephrase to an ‘I’ statement that is exaggeration free. “I feel that you often get angry.’ ‘I feel that I’m not being listened to very much these days’.
‘Why’ is another word that just serves to make another person feel they are being accused and judged. Try questions that begin with ‘what’ and ‘how’ instead, they are more open-ended. “How could we make our budget last longer?” sounds a lot more useful than “Why do you spend our household budget too fast every single week?”.
6. Forgiveness.
Forgiveness is an essential ingredient between two people who love each other.
But it’s not useful in conflict. Saying ‘fine, I forgive you’ in the middle of an argument is rarely how we really feel, and is often said in way to make the other person feel little.
It’s ‘false forgiveness’, and comes across as, “You are wrong and I am right, therefore from my position of superiority, I bequeath forgiveness on you.” Not great, is it?
While you are at it, drop the sidekick of false forgiveness, punishment. If you find yourself saying things that sound like something you’d say to a naughty child, you’ve gone into punishment mode. “I am not going to cook for you for the rest of the week”, or “If that’s the case you can go to the event by yourself”, are examples of punishing your partner. Most of the time when we go into punishing mode we are the ones who end up losing out, sabotaging something we actually enjoy in our effort to deny the other of something.
6. Pointlessness.
Conflict in relationships is an opportunity for growth. When you’re able to resolve relationship conflict, it builds trust and security.
So don’t bring an attitude of defeat and pointlessness to a conversation. Instead, bring an attitude of hope, and an interest in strengthening what you have.
Unable to Escape Relationship Conflict and Need Help?
Despite your best efforts, is your relationship unable to progress? Sometimes it’s time to add something after all — an outside perspective.
Couples counselling involves a qualified professional who creates a safe and objective environment to discuss your relationship conflicts. It can help with commitment issues, power imbalances, and intimacy issues, amongst other things.
Ready to stop the endless merry-go-round of relationship conflict and seek help? We connect you with highly regarded couples counsellors in London. Or use our booking site to source UK-wide registered therapists and online counselling now.
Has this article helped you? Thought of another tip on handling relationship conflict you’d like to share? We love hearing from you. Comment below and join the conversation.
Andrea M. Darcy is a health and wellbeing writer as well as mentor who often writes about trauma, relationships, and ADHD. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
FOOTNOTES
[1] Huynh, Alex & Yang, Daniel & Grossmann, Igor. (2016). The Value of Prospective Reasoning for Close Relationships. Social Psychological and Personality Science. 7. 10.1177/1948550616660591.
[2] Gordon AM, Chen S. Do you get where I’m coming from?Perceived understanding buffers against the negative impact of conflict on relationship satisfaction. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2016 Feb;110(2):239-60. doi: 10.1037/pspi0000039. Epub 2015 Nov 2. PMID: 26523997.
This very helpful information and I can definitely see it being very useful. Howe does this work when your significant other’s main personality trait is narcissistic?
Well there is a big misuse of the word ‘narcissistic’ on the internet, with everyone labelling everyone else with it. In some ways nowadays on the internet it seems narcissistic to put yourself in a place of calling everyone else this! As this very habit places you ‘above’ other people, controlling viewpoints on them…. in any case. If you are truly dating someone with narcissistic personality disorder, then evidently healthy communication tactics will not have great affect. A narcissist has troubles seeing other people’s needs or allowing them to be met, and also overreacts to any perceived criticism.
This is a really good read for anyone that has relationship conflicts. Luckily for me I have learned all these things years ago. Our biggest issue was arguing about our past, blame, absolutes, and forgiveness. After a year of continuous fighting we had to make rules. Rules that are listed in this article. It really helped us to have more productive conversations about what we want and expect from each other. I urge anyone reading this article to put it into practice in your relationship. You will be happy you did.
Very glad to hear about how these tips really do help! We know it ourselves, but great to hear readers share with other readers. Thank you.
I been with the father of my three kids over 20 plus yrs. He still bring up the past that never happened. I repeatedly telling him that the cheating never happened. An he still continually bring it up after all these yrs we been together. Can you please help me with answer. Thank you
Hi Sopha, well we can’t give you an ‘answer’ via a comment box. We don’t know you or your husband and usually a situation is more complicated than one person explains. The basics would be good communication, making sure you have clearly and kindly (without blaming or attacking) explained that you do not want this to continue and how it makes you feel. Then setting a boundary. But if this is your relationship dynamic for a long time we would imagine there are many other issues and the best thing would be couples therapy. You’d be amazed how helpful even a few sessions can be.
My Husband is my best friend however, the past always seems to creep in during those heated disagreements as in many relationships. It is a normal reaction to resort to other tactics when we feel backed into a corner or your partner is standing over you making you feel like a child. It is a very difficult thing to refrain from lashing out when you feel mentally beaten down. My Husband is wonderful in so many ways but is very firm and aggressive in his opinions and no other opinion is relevant. It is so sad because I have often looked hurtfully at him and said “Do you have any idea how you are making me feel right now?” Or “You need to stop and think of what you are saying.” Or “Are you listening to what is coming out of your mouth?” In the heat of the moment, there is no care in whats being said or done. And eventually the more upset I get, I join right in on the “Making one another feel worthless!” I work so hard trying to understand everything he says however, at the end of the day, I am always telling him that whats going on between us has absolutely “NOTHING” to do with half of what comes out when we argue. I am always saying “Stick to the Issue!” Never works. He is a wounded soul and I can’t fix him. He says the same yhing about me. That our pasts have influenced our present reactions and behaviors and maybe so. In that case, we should be even more respectful of one anothers feelings and thoughts. Everything we have in life needs maintenance. Our home, car, our lawn care, etc etc. Our relationships are no different. It needs to be maintained and taken care of like everything else in our lives. So why do we not see how important it is to love one another with understanding and Kindness? Embrace the “NEED” and “WANT” to make things beautiful? Re-evaluation is the key. We are not always right. And thats ok. God bless.
First, it sounds like despite the conflict, there is a real resolve here to be together. Is this correct? It’s clear you have very different responses to conflict, but that is not unusual in a relationship. You are right that he can’t fix you and you can’t fix him. As the only person we can is ourselves. Although the relationship, what you and he have created together, can be fixed by both of you together. It sounds like a real issue with communication. When the issue is communication and there is a strong bond between the two people who miscommunicate then couples therapy works very well. Would he be open to attending with you? It would be worth seeing if help with communication might get you back on track. One final thing – it feels like you are working really hard to understand and figure out him. What would happen if you put all that energy instead onto understanding yourself?
fantastic article. really is helpful. I have been married for 12 years, that too very early at 22. i do love my wife and think she is an amazing Person and human being. However I dont have a relationship with her in the sense of being able to do fun things together, she doesn’t speak English to the level you would expect her to have now being in the UK so long and generally we dont have anything in common as such. I met someone at work 5 years ago and we instantly fell for each other. ..and we fell very hard. we have been away to so many places and enjoy similar things. She even accepted I was married and understand I was living a double life. but things just got too much..a ticking time bomb relationship this was indeed. i had hurt her many times with either things I had said or done. I am not a bad person and she also acknowledges this. but it got too much for her. she cannot trust me and we went on a break. but this break was hard to deal with,,,we both couldn’t actually hold our end of the bargain. we both were hurting. never expecting us to get to this stage, and my wife started realising that there was more to this “friendship” .,You are probably already forming an opinion on me reading this however I have always been honest about me sinning by being with another person..,,however I couldn’t help who i fell in love with..i genuinely love this girl. but was always scared of losing my kids or having no contact with them..scared of moving out and being with my partner because i wanted it to work as she had demanded she deserved to be number one. a priority. She became quite vile to me. said nasty things. i always tried my hardest to be positive and approach each day with hope for a better future. i would get sucked in and she would provoke a reaction which was wrong but I could only take so much .She was also very frequent in making sure I was aware of when i was also like this in past disputes how she had also “taken it” and just accepted what frustrations I had..It has become a nightmare to be honest. She wants me to let her go yet she still finds a way to argue with me ..such as dressing up on xmas , sending me pics and then towards the end of the night scolding me saying how she felt like a stupid cow because she made such an effort thinking I would turn up, ,,,I am so confused because on 1 hand she wanted me to really just forget about her and not break up my family because I wanted to lay my cards on the table with my wife as I owe her that truth. ..and one another the above and how some sex would sort her out…mixed messages alongside the hurt and pain I have caused… I cant ask for help from you but I would welcome any opinions from what I have said. Thank you
Hi Ronny, it all sounds like a lot of drama, doesn’t it? There’s a funny thing that happens to us humans. We have things that to a certain level are upsetting us, or needs resolving (say, a marriage that isn’t working). But it feels too overwhelming. We’d have to be honest with ourselves, with another person, face up to our pain, maybe upset that other person….negotiate legalities, move house….Our unconscious seeks a distraction so we can avoid facing what needs facing (a distraction like, say, an affair). But the funny thing is that we tend to repeat the same sort of cycle. We replace one problem with another. So instead of the original mess, we have a much bigger mess indeed on our hands. And this is where you find yourself. From a therapeutic angle, we’d say, what is the root of this? As this is, whether it feels it or not, a pattern.There is a kind of self sabotage going on here, as well as perhaps some impulsivity? Jumping into a marriage very young with someone you don’t share a language with, then throwing yourself into an affair that has to be a secret…. what are the commonalities there? For starters, they both don’t allow you to be be fully yourself. Do you somehow believe that love has to be complicated? Or that you have to struggle to earn it? And there is also a lot of self blame here, and taking responsibility for more than 50% of the one relationship. She is a grown woman, no? Responsible for her behaviour? She willingly chose to engage with a married man? And your wife is a grown up too, capable of taking a language class? But suddenly you are the fall guy for all the hurt and pain and problems? Interesting, isn’t it? But you, too, are a grownup, able to take full responsibility and make choices. You seem addicted to the drama with this other woman, or even addicted to drama in general. And when things are the level of mess that the pain and drama are addictive, one of the best decisions to make is to seek support. We would say there is far more than enough here to work with a therapist over. You could definitely benefit from the unbiased, confidential space therapy creates to explore all this and start to make better choices. We wish you luck!
thank you so much for your response. You have made some really good points and something I can relate to. As you pointed out, about her being grown up enough to know she was engaging with me being a married man..
I usually did say this in response to when she did get nasty such as telling me how I have ruined the last 5 years of her life and why I didn’t change anything before knowing that she eventually wanted me to have her and ONLY her.
We both never really discussed topics such as breaking up with my wife, or being divorced and moving out together,. they made us both feel uncomfortable and we continued to live as we were.
Literally 2 days ago I sent her a beautiful message for her birthday whilst she was abroad with her friend. I got a thank you however the next day it was followed up by telling how she knows how much I love her however she cant stay calm around me anymore as she is reminded of all the pain…I decided against responding because it all just leads to me getting more hate and unable to move forward with her. Thank you in advance if you respond. I truly appreciate it
Hi Ronny, glad to be of help. It isn’t helpful to blame, either her blaming you or you secretly blaming her for changing the agenda. It sounds like there has been a lack of clear communication from the start. And just to constantly focus on your own responsibilities, choices, and what you have power over. And constantly ask yourself good questions. For example, you make a point of calling your message to her ‘beautiful’. But what was your intent of sending her a message on her birthday? What were you looking for? Approval, attention, resolution? Was this really going to make her feel better, or were you hoping she’d respond in a way that made you feel better? Has she set any boundaries around communication? If so, are you following them? What is it you are still hoping for from this situation? All the best.
Hello. There was communication but it wasn’t utilised in the correct manner i feel from both sides. We both meant well primarily however the discussions quickly turned into arguments. I would try and get close and she would push me away as it was always “something i said” that triggered her off..I did make mistakes naturally because i was so eager to get things back on track. I think one of the biggest turns was when my wife got my parents involved as there was unrest in the house and they were asking me to stop meeting her and to end the “friendship”..i was really upset and confused..my ex however suggested i move out of the room to set a boundary and i was unable to do it because I didn’t want more drama at home from my parents and to not have my kids question everything. She couldn’t seem to understand but I also knew she was right in her place too.
My intent to send the bday msg was to remind her that I have not forgotten her and also it was out of my love for her. We didn’t really set any boundaries around communication however she tried deleting my number as not to allow herself to contact me which made things harder.
My hope i guess is that one day she realises i made honest mistakes, that she can with time, forget the hurt and not feel reminded when around me, I genuinely never intended to hurt her and I wanted to be with her.
On the 2nd of January, 2019 my girlfriend of which weve planned to tie the knot in December the same year asked me to give her space. Being a Christian and knowing what space in a relationship creates, I decided to follow up on why she wants the space but unfortunately there wasn’t a reason. I then decided to further pursue to know the reason but she declined. Due to this I wasn’t given attention, my calls and text were not replied and our conversations became more or less like me giving a lecture.
This incident persisted for two months of which I then invited my elder sister to come in and talk to her as they are ladies she will open up to her. After a meeting with my sister and I, she said nothing is wrong. I kept on calling her only on to hear her saying to me on the 13th of March that I directed her decision and for that matter she can’t respect me and I shouldn’t talk to her about love and things related to the two of us. This is a lady I can’t stop loving and a lady I vowed to marry. A lady who we’ve planned to marry in December and so I started buying things which will be needed for the traditional marriage rites.
Today being the 14th March, I sit in my room and weep because left to me, I have never directed her. I love and cherish her a lot. I’m so disturbed.
Hi Gordie, we appreciate that you feel you love this woman ‘a lot’. But quite honestly what we see here is a lot of control. It sounds like you are rather set on forcing a plan through over actually being in a working, happy and truly loving relationship. She asked you for space, and you proceeded to not give it to her at all, but to push her to explain to the point you did the exact opposite of giving her space. Then you pulled in someone else, what is called ‘forming a triangle’ in psychology, and is basically a backhanded power move, again trying to to have control. If she wanted to talk to your sister she would have, yes? Without you ‘arranging’ it. Here’s the thing Gordie. You can’t control someone else. And trying to isn’t, we are afraid to say, love. That is fear, if anything. So what is it you are afraid of here? Are you afraid of being alone? Of not ‘fitting in’ by having the marriage those around you do? Who are you trying to please here? Is this really coming from the heart, or from fear? Is this really about love, or about feeling you are approved of? Where does that deep need to be approved of come from? As you don’t need to be married or in a relationship or anything at all to win God’s approval. God approves of you just as you are. As for this statement, ‘being a Christian and knowing what space in a relationship creates…”. Since when has Christianity been related to what space in a relationship creates? Space in a relationship can create trust, and more love, if it is done with love and not control. And that has nothing to do with religious beliefs or anything said in the Bible. In summary, the only person you have control over is you. And the way to have a truly loving relationship is to work on yourself, and be so comfortable with yourself that you trust yourself and can then trust others. When we try to control it’s because deep down we don’t trust others, and don’t trust that we are loveable. We wish you courage.
My boyfriend and I have had a very rocky past. I was married over 15 years, and then separated, but my BF was never married. We met online, talked a lot, and then he moved to my area. At that time, my youngest was 5 (now 18) Everything went downhill very fast. I think we both had different expectations of what the other would be like. We both did things that were not kind or honest. A lot of the time, he would beg forgiveness, and say he was broken, and that he was going to seek therapy, but never did. Anyhow, many breakups later – 13 years of on and off, and we are now doing (what i felt was much better) but apparently i am not correct. We both have issues from our childhood that are not wonderful, but they do make us who we are. I have a deep need to feel like I am first in someones life.. that I am a priority. He has this fear of not being able to stand up for himself or have someone to protect him, and also of being a failure in his parents eyes. I have been doing a lot of self reflection, as I almost lost my son (drugs) and my BF (broke up with me briefly) fall of 2017, and I have come to realize just what is important in my life. I have made many changes – such as how I talk to him ( i can be sharp tongued at times) and letting go of certain expectations, and tried to just be kinder and nicer and more attentive. He has admitted he sees these changes too.
Meanwhile, he has rekindled (or maybe even maintained) a friendship with someone that he had an affair with while we were on one of our break ups 6 years ago. That is really hard for me to deal with, as I do have a jealous streak, but have tried really hard to understand that she brings something to the table for him that I do not. That part, as a friend, is ok. I finally came to grips with that idea last fall. I invited her to his surprise birthday party last fall, and I truly felt that I was extending an olive branch to her, but instead of replying to me, she was mad that I contacted her (her and I have not talked), and she told him about his surprise party. That raised some red flags for me at that point. . . I sent her a letter to explain things, and my BF got really mad and told me that If I contacted her again, we were done. I don’t understand why he did that, but I told him that I will do what I want. So, recently I sent her another, as I had something to say to her (which refers to a gaming addiction issue BF has, and that she is not helping him by enabling). He again, hollered at me and is really being mean. He will bring up stuff from 5+ years ago – throwing it in my face as I cry, and he just keeps going and going..even though when we got back together, I told him how bad it hurts me that he can’t let go of some of my mistakes, and that I have proven time and time again that I am not that same person, and that he can’t keep doing this to me. He even agreed that it was not cool to do that, and he even said that he forgave me. I have paid dearly for my mistakes (lost time with him) and I have no intention of ever doing anything to hurt him again. I am not saying any of this to bad mouth him, as I truly love him. I KNOW what his heart and intentions are, and he is a very kind person most the time. He is my very best friend and my rock. But he has big issues from his past, and from being able to trust that someone will “be on his side” and I have made it very clear that I am on his side and would never leave him… he also has issues with forgiving others, although he very quickly asks forgiveness from others. But I have come to realize there are some patterns that I just can’t help but think are a big part of our issues. He has always been in what he called “bad” relationships… he never knew if he just met “crazy” women or if they started off normal but he DROVE them “crazy”. While he was in these “bad” relationships, he would always get involved with someone else online and those seemed to always be the “positive” ones (until he went to live near or with them). So, there seems to be this pattern with him that the grass is always greener on the other side, and so he can’t even seem to see what is on his side of the proverbial fence. So now I wonder is he just going to go running off to his online friend? It is very hard to deal with, because I am not feeling so secure at times in our relationship when he does this to me. I am frustrated to say the least and I love him dearly. When he talks about how “broken” he is, I just wrap my arms around him and try to love him more. He is now in therapy and has gone 3 or 4 times so far. I am hoping that this will help him let go of his past anger, and we can get through this. I am hoping that this therapist will help him to see “us” more clearly, and maybe even help him understand why I feel so hurt and insignificant so much of the time. Meanwhile, I have printed out your article above, and hope that he will be open to it. Thank you and I appreciate any advice.
Hi AMP, thank you for all this sharing. What we see here is a lot of ruminating, going over little details again and again, and a lot of ‘he said he did’ which is actually part of an addictive and codependent relationship dynamic. You say it was not good right from the start. That’s interesting. So then why did you decide to be in this relationship? You say he is going to therapy, but are you going to as well? As we’d suggest it’s a good idea. The only person you can change is yourself, not him, and what we are seeing here is almost an addiction to pain and being hurt, low self-esteem, a desire to control what isn’t controllable (another person) and a lot of codependency, where we gain our self worth from what other people think and obsess on trying to change and ‘save’ someone else. A therapist could help you look at the roots of what you think love is, and what you feel is and isn’t acceptable within a relationship and if these are things it’s time to question. If you are not happy, and you are spending all your time obsessing over this relationship to the detriment of your self-esteem and wellbeing, you need support too. Good luck.
What do I do.. when my partner and I argue and we lash out, both expressing our points of views, feelings. It is usually resolved with us both apologising and trying to find ways to make things work better between us. Both in what we were arguing about originally and also how we both communicate during arguments.
But.
What has been happening quite a lot lately (past 3 months) we have been arguing A LOT. Which always seem to revolve around the same things.
Which are todo with.. what happens AFTER the arguing, once we resolve and both share where we fucked up and need to put our attention to.
We get in to arguments because I feel that the pattern still continues, there’s no change, there’s no effort to change.
I’m not really sure how to handle it, because lately i’ve Just been really upset and taking it really deeply than I wish I didn’t.
Hi Danny, sounds tough. And what’s interesting is how you recognise the pattern. Usually it’s the pattern that is real, what you are fighting about is irrelevant as it’s there to feed the pattern, which is a power dynamic at heart. First of all troubleshoot your communication http://bit.ly/fixcommunication. And then we’d highly suggest a few sessions of couples counselling. It can be a huge move forward, helping you air the real issues and communicate powerfully but in non destructive ways. The little red flag, by the way, is in where you add in, ‘there is no effort to change’. When it’s moving into blame territory, best to seek support.
Hi Harley.
My husband and I only have real arguments about children. He has a specific number and I believe that the number is so large because of there being no children in his family and one of his parents dying when he was a teenager. We have a toddler and one on the way right now. At some point 6 months ago, he was actually willing to let me choose everything that had to do with how we had children, but looking back now I realize how stupid I was because I didn’t accept it, and instead told him I still wouldn’t be happy. I think me talking about divorce shocked him and he is numb to the idea of us not always being together now. He used to say he just wants to make me happy. He stil says he’ll never leave me, but also says that there will be problems if we don’t have kids at his pace. After this baby is born I know there will come a time when he’ll press to start trying again, I told him already that I wanted a break and he says he’ll look into surrogacy, etc. There was a time when I was okay with plural marriage because of this issue, but not anymore. I don’t know how to solve this issue now. I should have taken his offer when he gave up, and since I didn’t and hurt him on a deeper level talking about divorce it’s like nothing we talk about really effects him. I can tell he doesn’t care as much when we argue and it’s hard, it hurts. I never want to break up our family, so how can I convince him to relax about children and work with me about it all so he doesn’t resort to other things?
hi Eliza, sounds really tough. The kid issue can be complex if not agreed upon at the start of a relationship. We’d highly suggest couples counselling which would create a safe space and the tools to discuss this in a constructive instead of destructive way.
Great advice, I am definitely going to take your advice. Having said that what should someone do if they have a child with someone who has narcissistic tendencies and constantly belittles them in front of their child and uses the past to their advantage? I have a habit of running away from my problems and never going back. I have done this about 5 times in a span of a 4 relationship. Every time I run away, it’s in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping because I can’t face confrontation. Mind you I am 35 years old, not a child running away. I have every intention on not going back, but it’s hard to stay away from my child, I love and miss my baby so much that I go crawling back. I leave because of the way he treats me, I like to think of myself as thick skinned, I can handle more than most. After 4 years of being treated like unwelcome garbage, and suddenly losing my older brother, which has completely shattered everything in my life. I have finally had enough of him saying things like “ I just said that, god are you stupid or something” or “ go kill yourself” or “ yeah I get your brother died, but get over it already”. One night I packed up some of my things and went to a friends house and stayed as long as I could bear to be without my child, about 3 days. Then I go back thinking maybe he will understand everything I go through on a daily basis and see things from my (or a different) perspective. Instead he threw me into the metal security gate that surrounds our apartment complex, stole my phone, and ended up hijacking my bank account and emptied it. That wasn’t even the worst part. Most recently I left him, he ended up getting sick from COVID-19 but since I was gone I felt great, he called me up and told me how he needed help because he couldn’t take care of our child. Naturally I went back and the same day we started arguing, then he decides to cough all over me, at least 10-15 times purposely trying to give me COVID-19. Even after all this I still try to ignore his comments and make things work between us. Every time I’ve left, and came crawling back, my partner allows me back in and we will try to talk but what ends up being the only concern is how I lied and left to go be a “whore”. He will say things in front of our child like “I just said that, don’t you ever listen” “what does that have to do with anything, are you stupid or something?” Or his favorite “go kill yourself”. Within the past 8 months suddenly lost my older brother and it has shattered my whole life, my partner tells me “I know your brothers dead, but get over it already.” “Why don’t you cry while doing the dishes.”. I have absolutely had enough of my partner belittling me in front of our child. He will wait til our child is happy and then he will say “don’t listen to her (me(mommy)), she’s a liaaaar, and we don’t listen to liars.” He loves to call me [ pardon my language] “a piece of shit, lying, good for nothing whore” and try to teach our child how mommy is a liar and just leaves all the time. I’m so confused what should I do?
Hi Rio. Note how you have a shopping list of all the things he has ever done against you, in precise detail. How many times do you tell all of this? How often are your thoughts running through this list again, and again, and again? We point this out because when we run things over and over like this, to whoever will listen, we are often addicted to the pain. That is why we go back. We are actually hooked. This is also referred to as ‘trauma bonds’. https://bit.ly/whatistraumabond It will be an unhealthy way of relating or trying to get ‘love’ you learned growing up. You will be part of it, it’s not a one way street, you will also be making decisions and taking actions that are part of the pattern. It’s very, very powerful stuff, and difficult if not impossible to get away from alone. You need to find support. Google for a woman’s charity in your area, or a support group for women, and see if you can find any sort of free advice or counselling on how you could move forward to a safe life with your children (we aren’t sure why you feel you have to leave your child, as you don’t say). We’d also advise you seek support for grief, see if there is free counselling or a support group in your area if you can’t afford counselling, most areas in western countries have grief support groups. In summary, there is no easy answer here, but the first step with this sort of volatile situation is to admit it’s bigger than us and we need help, then to seek support. Best, HT.
My Finace brings up my Father raping me when I was a baby to hurt me when he feels like he can hurt me.He says that’s why your father had sex with you and you laid there and let him.I was 3 years old when this happen and he said I let him do that to me.He has trust issues to the point He always thinks I’m cheating so he says oh Only reason why you’re a hoe is because of what you been through.He hurts me by saying messed up stuff like he does.I don’t know how much more I can hold in before I blow up and I lose my mind.Im really trying to love him but I swear he makes me hurt to bad to even try anymore.
Hi Brittany. We recommend looking at this and the other comment you left you read our article on trauma bonding. https://bit.ly/whatistraumabond. This would not be a new pattern in your life, but a traumatic way of approaching what you call ‘love’ that you likely learned from your childhood and we’d bet has repeated in many/all of your adult relationships. And we’d recommend you really look at what you think ‘love’ is. What is self love? What is love? How do humans show love for each other? Is this really ‘love’ that you are experiencing or even after here? Or is it something else entirely? In our version, love is a safe environment to be accepted for who you are and to reach your potential, an also an environment where you offer that to the other person. It’s not making an agreement with someone where they treat you badly and you then get to give away all your personal power and make them responsible for your feelings and actions. You might also want to read our article on coercive control. https://bit.ly/coercivecontrolht. These kinds of situations are addictive and we can need help to see our own personal power and choose self care and safe relationships. Do reach out for support and help if you can. Best, HT.
In my relationship of 10 years with my partner, there have been constant conflicts, we seem to click on most things but what we struggle with a lot is communicating effectively with each other. I’ve suggested couples counseling before but my partner would rather just get divorced than attend any therapy for our relationship. Being ADHD and ASD, I really struggle to communicate sometimes, and fairly frequently she will say something that goes unheard (completely unintentionally) or is forgotten about (I know I should make more notes), she also carries a lot of a mental load in our home life due to our four kids and is always stressed. I can pick up more of that and do try my best, but I know my best st this point feels like I’m not trying, I try to do as much as possible, but I can become really unorganized and struggle to remember things on the best of days, and she has to pick up the slack. I feel like our arguments these days mainly revolve around her feeling disrespected because I’ve messed up communication in one instance, and she will blow up on me, I know she’s stressed, but I really don’t know how to handle these situations, I know she puts up with so much from me, that when she screams at me i just buckle these days and admit fault to everything, fighting gets me nowhere except a partner that threatens divorce or cries abuse and disrespect for matching her level of anger towards me. I don’t know what to do, I know I need help, but I feel like this goes nowhere if I’m the only one helping myself, she seems to accept the fact that she doesn’t deal with things in a healthy way, but as far as she’s concerned I deserve it for how disrespectful I am to her, these days I can’t really disagree as I feel this has been happening for most of the decade, she continues to bring up past wrongdoings and I just feel trapped in an endless cycle of feeling like a giant piece of shit, even when something was done with no maliciousness or I’ll intent, I’m made to feel like I do everything on purpose like some kind of mastermind to kill her self esteem. I’m not going to pretend I’m innocent in all of this, I know most of these issues are mine alone, I know I am a burden on her, but I love her, she just doesn’t believe it anymore (due to my actions), it’s a struggle sometimes trying to give her everything she deserves, I’m exhausted all the time and feel like I would be better off dead. My kids are why I will never kill myself, but with the way she yells at me in front of them, I can see them starting to resent me too, telling me I’m being mean to mum (usually due to a communication issue) and her screaming at me about how disrespectful I am and how little care I must hold for her. Most of the time she screams at me I feel like dying these days, she makes me feel so small and powerless. I know this isn’t the place to receive counselling, but what would your advice on my situation be? What kind of help can I seek to become a more functional person for her sake. I understand why she’s so mad at me all the time, I just want to feel the love she had for me rather that the disgust she seems to hold now, I no longer feel like a man, but a mere shell of a human being. She keeps telling me I’m a narcissist just like her father, and though I know I have narcissistic qualities (I have to put in genuine effort to think of others most of the time, if not my brain centers around me naturally), it hurts knowing I do genuinely love her, and I don’t ever want to hurt her, but it feels like it’s the only thing I do these days.