Signs of Aspergers in Adults – Sound Familiar?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
May 16, 2022
By: irina slutsky
What are the signs of Aspergers in adults to look for? And what do you need to know if you suspect that your colleague might be on the spectrum? That you are dating someone with Asperger’s? Or even that you might have it yourself?
What is Asperger’s syndrome?
Asperger’s syndrome is a subtype of autism which sees you communicate and socialise in ways that are outside of the norm, and can have a more restricted and repetitive way of approaching things than others do.
Also called ‘Asperger’s disorder’, it is actually no longer an official diagnosis in the UK (or the USA, for that matter). Since 2013 this was dropped in favour of using the more general umbrella diagnosis of ‘autism spectrum disorder’ (ASD).
But those who have a diagnosis may still like to use the term ‘Asperger’s’, or ‘Aspie’ for short. And most medical practitioners are fine for you to use either term.
Is Asperger’s an illness?
No. Aspergers isn’t an illness. There seems to be some biological and neurological differences in those that have it, but the research is still new and small. (Such as a study using magnetic resonance brain imaging on 32 adults with Asperger’s and concluded they had a volume difference in their amygdala). Otherwise, like all mental health labels, Asperger’s is just a term to describe a group of symptoms shared by certain individuals.
It’s also important to remember that nobody is a mental health label. They are a person with their own unique character, who might just fit the profile of ‘Asperger’s.’
[Want to hear about the experience of Asperger’s from someone who actually lives with it? Read our connected piece, “My Life With Aspergers Syndrome“.]
The three main Aspergers symptoms in adults
There are ongoing disputes over what is and isn’t Asperger’s, such as discussion over gender-based differences. A girl or woman with Aspergers syndrome might, for example, have a different experience with it than someone who identifies as male. And they might be better at ‘masking’, hiding the signs of Asperger’s in adults.
And note that symptoms can vary from person to person, as well as the ways that symptoms manifest. Some people will have high functioning Asperger’s, managing to have a fairly normal life, and others will struggle more.
But this said, the three main signs of Asperger’s syndrome in adults that will generally be present, as per the NHS, are difficulty with social communication, social interaction, and social imagination.
Secondary symptoms include:
- love of routines
- special interests
- sensory difficulties.
By: KOMUnews
Note that these different ways of behaving that are signs of Apserger’s will have been present since childhood. The autism spectrum doesn’t just suddenly develop later in life.
More than 10 signs of Aspergers in adults
Again, not all symptoms are in all individuals beyond the three main symptoms listed above. These are just possibilities of how Asperger’s is known to manifest.
1.Talking differently.
People with Aspergers might be more factual than normal. Instead of telling stories to get a point across, they will be direct.
They might also not be as prone to pausing and allowing interaction when they are speaking about something they care about.
They have no intention of being rude, they just are not as easily aware as you might be about how a conversation is ‘supposed’ to go. And they are passionate about what they like.
2. A lack of nonverbal behaviours.
Gestures and facial expressions can be less, or even missing. It’s just not the way many Aspies naturally communicate.
3. Little to no eye contact.
It’s common for someone with Asperger’s to not make much eye contact. It simply doesn’t feel natural for them.
If you tell them about it, they might then try extra hard to look you in the eye and then overdo it. They are doing their best, they just don’t have the same inbuilt feeling for eye contact that you might.
4. Not naturally one for social graces.
What many people consider ‘normal manners’ may not be intuitive for someone with Asperger’s. They can walk away when you are talking, invite you over for dinner then ignore you, open the door to let you into their house and look at you then walk off….
You might assume they are being rude. Not at all. They simply don’t have the same natural understanding of society’s ‘rules’ and have to learn them and work hard to keep them up.
5. Obsessive focus on one topic (which can be an unusual one).
By: Marcin Wichary
It might be collecting something rare, or an unusual hobby, it might be another person that becomes the focus of someone with Asperger’s.
They might talk incessantly about the subject or other person, unaware they are boring others, lost in their passion.
There is some discussion that girls are less likely to have an unusual focus and more likely to simply over focus on a subject her peers are into. (But this assumes gender stereotypes are in place and she identifies with them).
Note that an Aspie’s focused interest can completely change and move on to another topic. (Which can feel hard if you are the obsessive focus of a person with Asperger’s, only for him or her to then seem totally uninterested).
6. Unable to understand what you are feeling.
Those with Asperger’s can often be judged as ‘cold’, ‘unfeeling’, or ‘lacking empathy’.
It’s not that they don’t have empathy or mean to be unkind. It’s now thought, rather, that some people with Aspergers might even have too much empathy.
It’s more about finding emotions confusing and overwhelming and not knowing how to to describe or talk about them.
7. Different conversational skills.
Again, those with Asperger’s can talk a lot about what interests them, unable to see that others are either offended or uninterested. But if they don’t like someone, they might suddenly not talk at all, which can be awkward.
Another perspective here is that Asperger’s makes someone honest in perhaps ways we can all learn from. They aren’t going to pretend to be your friend or talk to you if they aren’t interested.
8. Not a ‘sharer’.
Wondering why the person you know doesn’t ask about how your day went? Or tell you about their recent successes? Sharing personal experience unprompted is not necessarily a given for someone with Asperger’s.
They might just need you to be clear that you want to share and be listened to, or to ask directly what you want to hear about.
9. Black and white thinking.
By: Leon Riskin
Once a person with Asperger’s comes to a conclusion they can be quite set in it, and find it a challenge to see the perspective of others.
On the other hand, they can be very good at making decisions.
10. Inflexibility.
Last minute change of plans? This can be very upsetting or even overwhelming for someone with Aspergers, who are more comfortable if things go a certain way all the time.
They might also get very upset about something that to others seems tiny or strange, but to them is important.
11. Signs of Aspergers include a need for routine.
Asperger’s causes a need for routine and and structure. Without it, the person can become very flustered and panicked. On the other hand, they can be very organised and encourage you to be so, too.
12. Not touchy feely.
Those with Asperger’s can be very sensitive to touch and shy away from it, with the exception of someone they deeply trust. They might flinch at being tapped on the back or touched on the arm, and refuse to be hugged.
They might also have other autistic traits like a sensitivity to noise, smell, and colour, which can turn into sensorial overload.
Aspergers vs Autism spectrum disorder
What Aspergers has in common with other parts of the autistic spectrum is that it is a behavioural disorder which shows up in the way someone communicates and acts.
But some ‘Aspie’s’ feel they have little in common with those with other types of autism. Asperger’s affects day-to-day functioning less, for starters. And it doesn’t stop someone from being verbal, it just makes their communication different.
Another major problem is that those who might have previously qualified for a diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome find they don’t have the right traits present for the new diagnosis of autistic spectrum disorder. This can lead to less access to treatment.
Is the change from Asperger’s to ASD possibly a good thing?
On another note, the German doctor the condition is named after has recently been discovered to be far from the caring practitioner he portrayed himself as. Dr. Asperger worked under the Nazi regime and a recent research study has found he was responsible for the death of up to 800 children, signing them off as ‘unsuitable to live’. Not exactly a name one wants to remember.
Can Asperger’s syndrome in adults be treated?
There is no medication that specifically treats Asperger’s syndrome.
But working with a counselling psychologist can be very helpful. This is also the case if you don’t qualify as having autistic spectrum disorder but feel you would have been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is often the recommended treatment.
During therapy you will learn how to cope under stress, how to communicate more effectively, and how to behave in social situations so that your day-to-day life becomes easier.
Harley therapy connects you to experienced and professional counselling psychologists for adults with autism working from several central London locations. We also offer autism testing for adults.
I was diagnosed with ASD Level 1 corresponding to Asperger Syndrome at the age of 59.
Up until this time, my life was underpinned by a feeling of being different from most other people. Starting when I was young (early 1960s) and mixing with people outside the family, I was definitely on a different wavelength – I was never able to mix or “hold my own” socially, so that I was generally excluded and not “one of the ‘in’ people”. This was worsened by my disinterest and lack of skill in popular activities such as football and other team sports – though I was pretty good at lifting weights, and has a real flair for martial arts (which I put down to it being “me against myself”). My sense of humour was what I would call a “different shape, size and colour” than most other people’s. And so on.
My life was (and still is, to some extent) characterized by the majority of society knowing and living by a set of rules that I don’t know, effectively a constant guessing game that I have little hope of winning. I seem mostly to have successfully learned coping strategies and skills, which effectively masked my autistic tendencies. Through sheer persistence, I’ve trained myself throughout my life to moderate my autistic traits – though this isn’t easy, and I do slip up sometimes.
When I got my diagnosis (on the NHS – which I really appreciate) late in 2016 I felt liberated, and truly felt some tension inside me disappear. Subsequently I had a series of 5 support sessions with the clinical psychologist, to explore my challenges and discuss some of the ways I’ve coped. This has been a deeply positive and truly life-affirming experience for me.
There are a couple of things I feel I must say about your article, most of which is very good but for something very important that’s missing, and a statement that is wrong.
The missing element is that for many (I dare not say “all”) people with ASD Level 1/Asperger Syndrome, our different “hard wiring” provides what amounts to selective enhancement. There are some things I’m very good at, but other things – often matters of common sense or “obvious” processes – that simply mystify me. I’ve now got to know quite a lot of Aspies, and this seems to be true of all I’ve met. I see stunning talent, intelligence and capability, tempered by differing levels of various personal difficulties. I feel your article would be much stronger if it mentioned this.
The statement in the article with which I strongly disagree is: “People with Asperger’s experience less emotions themselves.” Again based on my interactions with many Aspies and other “level 1 autistics”, I have seen absolutely no lack of deep emotion. I could speculate on why I think this is so, but from my own experience I will observe that as someone with a very black-and-white view of most things, I do not find it easy to moderate my experience of emotions or the effect they have on me. On the many occasions I’ve discussed this with other Aspies, I have always met with strong agreement – even “relieved agreement”, if I can coin a phrase.
I guess this may come across as a self centred rant, but I sincerely hope not. The physical “brain wiring” differences that differentiate Aspies/L1 autisic people from others create a real challenge, and I find myself developing into quite a passionate advocate for awareness in this area.
Hi Piers, this is all very useful to our readers, thanks for this feedback. It’s a big diagnosis, and a large spectrum, and there is a lot for all of us to learn and it’s always best to have it direct from those who are living through it. We can’t fit it all in one short article but perhaps in future we’ll have more articles on the subject, it sounds like one is required on ‘Myths about Aspergers”.
I would agree with the above person Asbergers DO have deep emotions and they are actually very very kind to others they often dont get same back because people can’t ,
Thanks for sharing Christine. He is actually writing a piece for us now on what it’s like living with aspergers’s, so check back for that!
Hi. From time to time it has been suggested to me that I may have Aspergers. I’m not so sure myself but I still wonder sometimes if there is something in what they say. How could I find out for sure?
Hi Graham, the only way to find out ‘for sure’, as you say, is to go to a psychiatrist who can diagnose you. That said, nowadays it’s not called Asperger’s but “Autism spectrum disorder”. Make sure you find a psychiatrist who has experience in this field or you will waste your time and money, and they are expensive! (You can of course go through the NHS but the wait might be long). It’s a good idea to research on the web if other people with Aspergers have had success with certain doctors and found the doctors trustworthy.There are also UK charities for autism and aspergers which could give you good advice and direct you on this such as https://www.actionforaspergers.org/. And go in to see someone with all the questions you want answered. Maybe also keep a journal for a few weeks where you write down your actions and thoughts. This way if you get nervous in the appointment you can show the doctor what you’ve recorded. Note that you don’t have to get an official diagnosis. If what you really are interested in is looking at how these behaviours that others call Aspergers are holding you back in life, you can directly book with a therapist who helps those with Aspergers. Good luck!
Hello there – Piers again here, from the long post above.
In my experience, it was not necessary for a psychiatrist to give me a diagnosis. I went to my GP, with the result of a self-administered Baren Cohen test (found here: https://www.autismresearchcentre.com/arc_tests). My result was 38/50, where 80% of people on the spectrum score 32 or higher. I also included a 1-page summary of why I suspected I might have this condition. The GP sent this off to the relevant body which sent me a link to some questionnaires – one for me to complete, and another for family members to complete about me. The body in question assessed the case for funding, which was approved. I was then referred to a clinical psychology practice that specialises in Autism – no psychatrists on the premises. I spent most of an afternoon along with a couple of family members, and the psychologist herself completed the Baren Cohen test on the basis of the latter part of our session. Finally the diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder Level 1 (corresponding with Asperger Syndrome) was confirmed, and a month later I received the written report. Interestingly, this gave me a test result of 42/50 – not an insignificant number!
I know this is not available everywhere, which I think is a serious problem when, for those of us who find ourselves on this part of the spectrum, it makes a really big difference to know.
I hope this helps.
Really useful to share this, thank you, Piers!
11. A NEED FOR ROUTINE.
Asperger’s causes a need for routine and and structure. Without it, the person can become very flustered and panicked.
Just as an example; this is literally everybody.
Hi Sara, it’s interesting you think this is literally everyone (we’ve removed the comment that followed as it didn’t fit our guidelines of not attacking others). Are you reading this as you suspect you yourself have asperger’s? You might be surprised to know that not everyone needs routine or structure, and many people love days of no routine or structure and thrive.
If you’re not sure and high functioning then all you’ll really be aware of is that social life is poor, you could be generally liked but still feel lonely, you know you are out of place and view things differently but just cannot put finger on it.
There is a resource that could help in obtaining enough information to be confident enough to seek further help, or just knowing the reasons and highlighting your abilities versus challenges – so you can learn appropriate cognitive responses if needed (for some just having the confirmation will be enough).
RDOS dot NET, the aspie quiz, is accurate enough that it does show the deficits, its likely enough to give the confirmation you need to seek further support.
Good Luck.
Thanks David!
Hi
I think my partner of 3 years is Aspergers. I’m a teacher and have had other reasons lately to explore aspergers in children i teach.
I am frustrated with my partner’s difficulty in communicating and understanding and he avoids social situations. He has no friends! All this can make life with him a bit of a struggle for my son and I. The problem is, I don’t think he would take the suggestion well at all. Even though he is also a teacher.
I have no idea how to go about discussing it with him.
Emma
Emma, it is true that many people who show Asperger’s symptoms can be very sensitive if others say so. Unfortunately there’s still a lot of stigma attached to mental health labels these days. Our article on how to tell someone you love they could benefit from counselling might pertain here http://bit.ly/lovedonetherapy
I came to realise after several years together that the “differentness” I noticed in my partner is actually high functioning Aspergers and eventually (after about a year of research) I discussed this with him. Initially he was very defensive, but eventually conceded that he agreed and had always felt different. We did a bit of checking and discovered 11 family members (mostly male) had either been diagnosed (including his Autistic older brother) or exhibited behaviour suggesting Aspergers also, including his two sons, one more severely so than the other.
After a period of “grieving” for what I realised was never going to change and indeed seemed to be getting slowly worse, I had to make a decision to try and cope or remove myself from the stressful times. We have our ups and downs, the downs are usually triggered by his reaction to stress, his frustration or anxiety, and the ups are great if there are no external factors to affect them. He can go from sweet and loving to bad mannered, selfish and rude (or so it comes across) at the slightest trigger so I find myself moderating my behaviour and our conversations and constantly “protecting” him.
My life is not quite as I imagined it was going to be with him and sometimes that’s a sad thought but on the other hand he’s a much better man than most. I worry for his adult children, that without help their life will be difficult and they will not understand why. One is so severe it is impossible to engage him in conversation, he removes himself if he doesn’t like or agree with something. There is very little help available or even true understanding of Aspergers where we live so we flounder through as best we can.
Thanks for sharing, I am sure this will connect with many other readers. What a wonderful thing that you were able to discuss it between you and come to an understanding, and we appreciate that you are able to see a balanced view, both the challenges but also positives to the relationship. Do know that online counselling can mean that you can find support from anywhere, and this can also be more comfortable for someone with Aspergers as it’s less intrusive of personal space. And seek charities and support groups online, for example here in the UK there is a charity just for partners of people with Aspergers https://different-together.co.uk/. Good luck!
Thank you for this article Harley Therapy! After reading the book Look Me in the Eye by John Robison a year ago I recognized many Aspergers traits in my husband of 34 years. He was defensive about the idea that he has it but there is an online test I read to him where he scored 30 out of 50 (32 puts you in the Aspergers spectrum). He’s still very defensive so I’m doubting he will seek help. He’s quite happy with no friends, his beautiful cars he takes to shows, working at his quality control job, mowing the yard, and going out to dinner once or twice a week with me. Besides lack of empathy or interest in my life, not looking me in the eye when we talk, and only wanting physical touch at night in the bedroom once in a while, one of the biggest things that bugs me is that he won’t ever say my name unless he’s introducing me to someone. I am a good-looking, confident, out-going person and have asked him several times if he’s gay or having an affair but he says relationships are way too much work. Why is it so hard for him to say my name? Or the dog’s name? Or the cat’s? What’s up with that and how can I help?
Hi Linda, sounds like you are frustrated and even angry. 34 years is a long time to have all these grievances building up. Your husband sounds comfortable being who he is. If he doesn’t want to explore the Asperger’s idea, then pressuring him will just cause more of a rift between you. We are wondering, what do you like about your husband? What keeps you in the relationship? What are you grateful for? What DOES work? What makes YOU happy? Are you feeling fulfilled outside of the marriage at this time? In summary, seems like there is more going on here than just if your husband does or doesn’t have autism (we wouldn’t make assumptions based on an online test, particularly as he scored relatively low). Would he maybe consider couples counselling, if you stopped pressuring about the autism and made it clear, in an open, non judgemental way, how important it is for you to feel more connected? Otherwise, would you consider counselling for your self? It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of frustration and are at some kind of crossroads. Good luck.
I read the article. I disagree with many things in it. next time consult with one of us before writing an article. that way at least you have more accurate info.
My situation was intense as a kid. I was so bothered by noises and light. my mom used to take me to play with other kids but I was just too confused as what is expected to be done. I could not understand what to say next or how to make a friend. I was being told that I had to have friends but at the time that to me as quantum physics to my dog. just could not understand the whole “play with other kids” thing. I could spend days by myself and I was obsessed with nature and biology. as I grew up I became sensitive to specific tastes and avoided noise, light and some tastes. I had constant anxiety and did not like to sleep for some reason. from first grade to 7th I was failing the majority of courses because I was very detached from the physical environment. I remember I used to get zero in dictation tests where the teacher read simple sentences and we had t write them down and turn in the paper for grading. I used to get my pen and paper then 2 minutes into the session I could not hear anything or even see anything. I was detached and float inside my own head often wondering about a natural phenomenon around me. I sucked as sports. my mom put in my soccer and I even used to get confused which one was my team, then at some point I used to catch myself just running aimlessly in the field and often followed by being pointed at and laughter of others. I did not know how to use my feet in soccer, I couldn’t coordinate them. I was good at swimming thou. I tried various sports but I did not have any future in the sport. there was always a sense of depression. a lot of things were mind-blowing for me. for example, when people were talking about love, partners, or when I saw two people holding a hand, I just could not find value or meaning in that. I just like a few things and that was it. I loved science and medicine and physics that was it! I had speech issues and could not understand what to say and when to stop or what not to say. Majority of teachers used to yell at me because I could not do 10+13 math. so I had many tutors. life was hell until the 8th grade. I do not know what happened but It seems to me my brain shifted gear and I had a crazy huge brain capacity. I started getting all A’s and chose ALL of the science courses. I finished high school with honor early, finished college double major human physiology and biochemistry with emphasis on immunology. I end up having 1,882 cumulative units on my transcripts. now doing MD-PhD which is a dual doctoral degree. I have a very vivid imagination and I see patterns in everything. I love numbers and the only way for me to understand the world around me is through science. I had many setbacks in terms of dating.
I never knew if someone liked me, never could pick up the clues. my sister has been the greatest help thou. she taught me various facial expressions, body language, and voice tones to look for in order to understand what the other person is trying to imply non verbally.
recently a new female student asked me to go get coffee with her and she kept talking about various topics. I did not get the whole thing. finally, after 2 weeks I realized she doesn’t talk to me. and when I asked her if she liked to go get lunch she replied ” no!!!! and I m going home! and I’d rather hang out with my dog!”. from her reaction I thought something might be wrong so I talked to my sister about it and gave her day by day details of this two weeks. she began to laugh and said ” I think she likes you and tried hard but then felt like you don’t like her or being cold and ignoring her”. this has happened to me since I was a teenager and now I am almost 30. I just can not understand if someone likes me or not.
what I am good at is science/medicine. back in April 2019, I received a medal of honor for scientific discoveries from U.S deputy general surgeon and go to dinner with these people on a frequent basis and ended up working on various government projects. that I feel is easy but understanding other stuff, oh god.
Ho Soroush, we are sorry you’ve had such a hard time and hope you have found support and a proper diagnosis. Please note that Aspergers is on the autism spectrum, and as the word spectrum insinuates, each person will manifest their symptoms differently. This article was written by someone with a partner with Aspergers, based on the accepted official diagnostic criteria for Aspergers. We also have other articles written by someone with a diagnosis, you can find them using the search bar. Good luck.
I am diagnosed 21 year old Canadian. I have given up on the aspie diagnosis quite some time ago as nobody knows what the hell it is and as you stated they dropped it.
Okay for others.
I find my traits are:
Hyperfixtion/overthinking.
Impaired executive functioning. Bad with money. Needs vs wants. Wants becomes needs. Hyperfixation tensed also play into that.
Impaired social skills. But, I find a bit of it comes from lack of experience. Bullying, anxiety, and depression kinda does that too you. But, just the ritual of small talk is miserable to try and do. Not knowing what to say or do with new people is terrible. Becomes easier once I know you. But, still knowing what is overshare or what will necessary offend 😬. God, it is miserable not knowing automatically till it’s too late.
(Kinda why I am here, as I have upset two close people to me online via messenger 3 different times in kinda the same context, but different reasons in 2 weeks and I have it chalk it up to my brain being dumb.)
Mix that in with memory iusses or automatic selective memory. Fireworks go off with others in spectacular fashion and I don’t enjoy it.
(Am writing this kinda detachly. Actually. This is making me realize some of my traits after I research it. Holy shit. I SO HAVE A WORKING MEMORY DEFICIT.)
Very black and white and logical. Want to be technically correct. But, am more flexible on this. I can realized that there is a different way to skin a cat or if it stupid, but it works. It isn’t stupid. But, the key word is realize. Sometimes that means some debate/discussion which is offensive to others, but the way I process and understand their view. I again don’t enjoy not automatic understanding their view. Sometimes even after being explained. God. I don’t still get it.
Detached emotions. This is more self discipline. I have them. But, they are too extreme. So I switch them off. Cannot relate when somebody is insulted.
I definitely feel I have a lack of grammatical understanding or have a different set of rules than a normal NT person. Is that a thing? People don’t seem to get that. Or is it syntax and semantics? I’m not sure, can’t explain this one to others and they don’t get it. It’s like just getting Lost in Translation, like I always feel like happens like that happens.
But, it still leads to the same thing. I become the condescending, Captain Obvious, asshole with those combinations of traits. Is miserable as hell.
I find I don’t need routine however, but more of being in places/doing things that make me feel better as am good at them. Like special interest. A major one is being a gearhead, in general. In military (tanks, planes, etc.)/firearms, being a yearling in ice hockey goaltending, and Canadian football. I gained my firearms license 1.5 years ago after being confirmed stable to own them. My No.4 Lee-Enfield is my personal favorite and named Lloyd after my granduncle who was Killed in Action in 1944. But, I think my record is 2,000 round of .22LR downrange in one month is hard to beat 🤣. I work in the field of goaltending equipment at a local school/store that understands ASD thankfully. So I have a safe place to go to, most wouldn’t say that about a workplace. But, for me it is and I haven’t even started yet due to a trip being right in the way of the job offer. So that’s how much I love it. Joining ball again via a local semi-pro team who adores my size. Still. Fitting in. Oh boy am I still nervous. Hopefully not being the same age and people being older I can relate to them better unlike last time I played in high school. Special interest: guns and military history. High school: centrally located in a Canadian city of 1.5 million. Um. I kinda assumed that people would take that as me being the school shooter type 😬. Hard to relate to others.
I definitely get annoyed by a change of plans. But, I think anybody does. More of feeling not being considered, Grumble and complain, move on and deal with it. How I work. Or deal with it well grumbling and complaining all the same while 🤣.
Like I hate that it’s a spectrum because people don’t understand that each individual will be different and each person traits will be differently. There is an overarching thing but it’s still hard to know exactly because again it’s not black and white as much as I would like to be that way out of simplicity.
Am having to learn actually. Me writing this I would stop and research.
Hi Khristopher, thanks for sharing. Mental health diagnoses never were and never were an exact science. How can they be when mental health differences are not sicknesses we can see under microscopes. So all mental health terms are simply terms created by mental health professionals to more easily describe groups of people who don’t fit the current ‘norm’. And we think labels should never come before seeing a person as a unique individual. Good luck.
My stepson is in his late 20s and we have reached the despairing conclusion that he is incapable of handling the basic minimum demands of the lowest level employee in any occupation. When he was in grade school, he was given some kind of “special needs” status without any diagnosis (formal or otherwise) to identify a reason for his difficulties. In normal conversation he didn’t show any obvious or significant abnormalities with basic communication and he seemed of normal intelligence. He learned to read like any normal child and has good reading comprehension. Although writing and spelling abilities have always been and still are very poor. He does not take instruction well (or at all in any disciplined sense). He was literally unteachable unless he decided he wanted to know something. And he would not be pushed to go at any pace other than his own- whenever and however it pleased him. He doesn’t accept authority or discipline. He has an overblown sense of superiority and pride. He believes he is an expert in anything he chooses to do or be interested in but has no desire to pursue any kind of formal education or training in anything. And he seems oblivious to rest of the world- like he doesn’t notice that other people all around him are far more skilled, accomplished, and capable than he is and aren’t by any definition of the word “experts”. He doesn’t notice, imagine, or have any concept of the work that other people (average people) are doing on a daily basis. Even when it happens right in front of him on a daily basis for years. He avoids, situations that present any challenge or competition and when he can’t avoid it and he is forced to acknowledge he isn’t an expert- he gets very upset and disenchanted with that particular interest. At first glance there is nothing at all wrong with him. In conversation he seems like anyone else with maybe even an above average vocabulary. He has about 3 male friends, who all work but are not particularly successful. And 1 ex girlfriend who’s parents are supporting her through college that he still talks to and hangs out with on occasion. He’s known all 4 since high school. His interests are mainly reading (fantasy), video & D&D fantasy games, weapons (both imaginary or real guns & knives) with some casual passing interest/knowledge in nature, science, myth, crafts (mainly picked up from his father’s influence). He is perfectly content, and no trouble at all if he has adequate food, complete freedom to recreate as he pleases, and quiet uninterrupted sleep whenever he wants. But place the mildest pressure on him to perform a chore, or handle any responsibility and he flips out. If it is something extremely simple and quick (a few minutes) it’s sometimes possible to coax him into “helping” without throwing a fit. He may even be pleasant about it IF you present your REQUEST as if he is superior and you act grateful like he is doing you a favor. And it is possible to get a few hours of work out of him if he is coaxed and prepared in advance and: the work is not difficult or strenuous and doesn’t require any independent reasoning, planing, problem solving, improvising, or decision making; doesn’t involve any kind of effort to learn- no detailed instructions or training, and it is never necessary to correct him (he doesn’t accept constructive criticism or authoritative/disciplinary structure); it doesn’t involve any re-routing, adapting to changes of plan or alternate techniques (the work must be methodical and super simple, well planned by someone else in advance so everything goes smoothly without unexpected complications; there is no pressure to meet standards of productivity or efficient performance, and there is no restrictive element of authority or discipline. If you try to give him slightly detailed instructions he flips out. If you correct the way he is doing or has done something he flips out. Tell him his performance or work he has done is sub-par or offer techniques to improve and he flips out. If he has to switch gears in the midst of any activity (for any reason other than it pleased him to do so) he flips out. If you have to figure things out as you go and something doesn’t work and you need to try another approach he flips out. Ask him to move to the other couch because it is necessary in order for you to complete your work -once he is comfortable and believes he can recreate uninterrupted for the rest of the night- and he flips out. Put any pressure on him to pick up the pace, or modify any detail in the way he is doing something or plans to do it and he flips out.
He has had several very short term jobs that he has flipped out and walk out on at the first sign of difficulty or challenge. Of course his huge ego won’t accept that he is not superior or has any kind of a problem. The rest of the world is wrong and should all cater to his needs. That is not happening of course. And as the pressure to earn a living continues and the failed jobs pile up he has more and more frequent bouts of violent dramatic fits and suicidal rants. He was born this way and no amount of disciplinary measures, coaching, counseling or instruction has made improvements significant enough for him to manage basic survival as a responsible working adult. I have no doubt he has a disability like Asperger’s. He needs to get diagnosed for whatever this is so he can apply for disability for both financial support and a chance to find fulfilling work- with the status to seek reasonable accommodations for his disability. He may put up quite a resistance to anyone questioning his “superior intellect” or implying he has a defect. But I think he is so backed into a corner at this point he has no other option and he will prefer this over suicide. What I need to know is where do I start? How do I get him diagnosed? I am not able to pay for multiple doctor visits or sessions and neither is he. If he applied for disability without a diagnosis, would they simply reject his application or would they investigate by providing services to complete the evaluation process?
Hi Pamela, there is an awful lot going on here. First of all, it’s evident you yourself are struggling and extremely frustrated with a lot of anger. So we think one thing to consider is to seeking some support yourself. This could be a free support group, it could be free to low cost counselling if you have no budget (read our article on this for inspiration http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy). We also sense a family dynamic issue. While it would be easy to say it’s all just due to your stepson’s behaviour, we find things are rarely that simple. It’s true that a child with learning difficulties can be a lot of stress for an entire family and that that stress can cause huge issues. And yet for real resolution the entire family will have to come on board and be willing to look at any and all dysfunctional dynamics. Finally, we can’t make any diagnosis from a comment. It does not necessarily sound like autism. You have also not stated what country you are in. We are in the UK. If you are in the UK, then you can see your GP for free and get in touch with the many charities for parents of children with learning differences to learn more about diagnostic processes and support. The issue is that your son is legally an adult, not a child, well at least here in the UK. so it’s actually now up to him whether he wants to seek support or not.
My husband has Aspergers and has a genius level I.Q. I moved a book on the bookcase and he verbally attacked me. I have read everything I can get my hands on relating to Aspergers. I think I have a reasonable understanding of how difficult life can be for him. He has no understanding of how his paranoia, criticism and domineering attitude ( I am not allowed to plug in a USB, turn off my own computer, take my tablet out of the house, feed the animals as I may do it wrong)is making me lose respect for both of us. We have been together for fifteen years but today I wish I hadn’t met him. He is wonderful and terrible, kind and mean spirited, loyal to a fault and calls me stupid, an incredible man and a petulant child when crossed. It is exhausting to live with sometimes. If I pull him up there is the Aspie card to play, which does explain a lot but does it excuse the bullying behaviour and the name calling? I’m thinking today that this is just asshole behaviour, not Aspergers.
Hi Willow, does he have an official diagnosis, or did you diagnose him yourself? We’d recommend an official diagnosis if he’s willing, which would then lead to counselling support and help him improve his relating methods. But then from your side, it sounds like you have a lot to explore here, too. Have you considered counselling for yourself? As 15 years of suffering without support is certainly a long time….and sounds like you are at a bit of a crossroads somehow?
I also have a husband with Aspergers. While he drives me crazy with his sometimes selfish, inconsiderate ways, I would never dream of leaving him as I fell in love with him before I knew. When we first moved in together I was sometimes shocked, horrified by some actions and only understand now they were due to Aspergers. His son was diagnosed aged 23 also. Theres no talking to my husband about it, he would acuse me of wanting to get him put away. I adore him, but it does make our life extremely difficult at times.
Thank you for this input Jac. It’s true that many people who have Asperger’s are sensitive about it. But we love that you love him anyway! At the end fo the day every relationship has difficulties, but if you can navigate your way through life together despite them, that is what counts.
It is such a relief to me to have read the article about Asd and the comments afterwards. I haven’t got as far as getting myself diagnosed yet, but this explains an awful lot about my behaviour. My intense and all consuming obsession with growing vegetables, my inability to comprehend most social situations and interactions with others. Funnily enough I realised a few days ago that I’m quite expressionless when in any conversations, and started to wonder if this was normal. But having reached the age of 50 I know that pretty much everything about me is not conventionally normal. I try to limit my social interactions and have accepted that close friendships are too stressful and exhausting for me. Reading the comments from partners did make me think about my husband and how life must be for him. He has to deal with my obsessions and need for routine, and my regular meltdowns if I have to deal with ‘spur of the moment’ or a social situation that is too much for me. I’m mostly happy with how I’m coping on a daily basis but this is not something I would have chosen for myself. I spend a lot of time feeling like I’m in a foreign country trying to understand an alien culture without having any guide book.
Caroline, we are glad you found the article helpful. It’s also great you have found ways to navigate and cope. Do know that if it could help, you and your husband could always have a few counselling sessions together to focus on understanding each other better and communicating in ways the other ‘gets’. Best, HT
Hello everyone! My name is Margaret and I’m from Poland. I have a husband that also has very strange behaviuos. He is very similar to Linda’s husband (he avoids using my name and and I also have asked him several times if he’s gay or having an affair) and to Willow’s husband (no understanding of his paranoia, criticism and domineering attitude). He had never wanted to go to the specialist before my dougther began to be sad about the situation at home. Eventually we went there. He had huge stomach ache when he had to go there. During our first meeting he shouted that he didn’t love me and that this was all my fault. I thought that this is the end of our relationship. But he agreed to carry on meetings.
After some months he admitted (during the meeting) that he thinks that I don’t really love him. Then the specialist asked “So why did your wife come here with you?” And this simple question made him think. Finally he understood that I am not his enemy (he behaved as if I was). So I really recommend going to couples counselling.
I tried to listen what my husband says during these meetings and what is important for him. And I told about all his awful behaviours, lack of engagement, his preferential position that he confered himself and so on.
Our therapist was rather silent but the therapy helped us a lot.
On the other side I understand that it could he hard to encourage your husbands to go there, because I had tried to do it for a long time. He didn’t want to do it for me, but he was eventually made because of the troubles with our child. Anyway, I am really happy that we attended this meetings because his behaviour had changed a lot. My behaviour also has changed because the specialist told me to be calm when is loud or agressive or verbal abusive and talk about the problem later. It was hard at the beginning and I fought it is unfair.
Although he is still sometimes rude, his behaviour has changed a lot. He is making eye contact, sometimes touches me first, is much more amicable and peacefull. And when I ask him if he loves me his answer is “yes” (I wish he had more initiative, maybe later) and uses my name (what a success! :-)).
I also notice his very good traits: he is reliable, gifted, practical (he made major renovation of our flat, can fix everything at home, can fix the car, do furniture, assemble the computer and so on ;-)), he returns home on time and I am not afraid that I will find him with another women in bed. He is also a very good father of our child.
My husband has never been diagnozed but he has all the traits of ASPIE.
Great share, thank you! We are sure many other readers will relate. Best, HT.
I have a partner that my therapist suspects is on the spectrum due to some social scenarios that I have explained to her. The therapist recommended that I not tell him this. Things aren’t getting better though and we are both quite distraught. He has now agreed that we both go seek counseling together. How do I handle this situation in the first meeting with our couples counselor?
I’m sorry for not having read all of the responses above, so someone else may have addressed this, but the article basically outlines the same signs as boys, maybe just not too an extreme. This is highly disconcerting due to the new waves of research being done about girls who manifest ASD in am multitude of ways that don’t quite fit in with this (hence the fewer female diagnoses). And it sees now a whole generation or few of older women, including myself, are starting to see themselves fitting an aspergers’ like profile within the spectrum and are being diagnosed as such only after long, painful paths to diagnosis with run-ins of doctors who say that it can’t be ASD because you don’t make eye-contact, because you empathize deeply (too deeply really), because you have learned the ways of the world through watching and learning from other people in such a way that you are constantly playing a role, or even your own personality being subsumed by that role .Just because I have a voice with full emotional range, that I not only get metaphors now but also love them, that I am deeply emotional, almost so much so that I can’t regulate it still at 45. These are just a few things. Time to make some qualifications to this article. All you women out there, look up the book Spectrum Women. It’s a great read but will lead you to a host of other resources.
Hi Cindy, we are confused, is your therapist also going to be the couples therapist? We hope not, as that would be biased as she is already working with you. So assuming the couples counsellor is someone else, why would you need to handle this in the first session? Why not just go to the first session and be open to what comes up? And let this new therapist see for herself the way you two relate and what your issues are? And form her own educated opinion? She will have a unique viewpoint actually being able to work with your partner as opposed to only hearing your take. As for whether you tell him or not, about what the other therapist said, that is up to you, not your therapist.
Hi Samantha, the article does stress several times at the beginning that everyone is unique and that not everyone will fit the same symptoms as someone else. We prefer to just talk about different manifestations in general as it can otherwise result in gender stereotypes, and in the new climate we are trying to move away from that. But we are glad you’ve found research that helps you and are sure other readers will appreciate your book recommendation. What we do think is a great idea is an article on lesser known symptoms of autism spectrum disorder, which we can put on our list. Best, HT.
I agree with Samantha, the list on this page seems old and mostly the aspects that show in mainly boys. I picture my parents and aunts reading something like this and understand it’s why they discount me suggesting I have Asperger’s at age 47. According to this, it sounds unlikely to impossible.
Other resources seem more updated with recent research.
I was surprised to see the author of the page is a woman, guessing with no ‘disability’ so doesn’t have as much emotional interest in the topic. Which brings up an interesting aside: I think it should not be called a disability. There is much information now on neurotypical vs. neurodiverse; We now know Aspergers and Autism involve humans with literally different brains. The social model of disability suggests that it’s society’s constant ableist attitudes that push those with differences out. THAT is the big issue that should be addressed, not continuing to see those with different brains as less able, because it simply isn’t true.
In fact the intelligence and emotional empathy of many is off the charts, and that seems largely ignored here in favor of the old ideas that Asperger’s often involves lack of feelings and expression.
I mean it’s not like feelings are celebrated in society. As someone wrote, the feelings are sometimes so huge and overwhelming. I have no doubt that’s due in part to society’s preference for feeling-suppression at all costs. When not expressed, feelings bubble below the surface, and even come out in ‘senseless’ pockets of violence. If you look closer, eruptions happen from groups or individuals who are oppressed. They were unable to suppress their huge feelings of anger at mistreatment any longer.
So you may be helping a few male children with the information on this page, but I’m pretty sure they’re not the ones who need the most help, which is why it is a good idea to update it.
Hi there, we don’t call it a disability and in no way make any comment suggesting it makes anyone less able. The article strongly focuses in its first third on the fact that autism is a spectrum and that each individual is unique and that other than the three main symptoms there is no exact science and it is diagnosed on an individual basis. We have now added in a few references to differences to gender, although we don’t actually want to make it a ‘girl boy’ thing as we feel that gender stereotypes are not always helpful either, not everyone is raised with them or fits them. We prefer to emphasise, again, that autism varies by individual. As for the empathy bit, we aren’t sure you actually read the piece through. Given that it clearly states, “not that they don’t have empathy or mean to be unkind. It’s now thought, rather, that some people with Aspergers might even have too much empathy.” Best, HT.
I just wanted to point out that if your GP won’t refer you to a professional for an Aspergers/ASD assessment/diagnosis, it’s worth making an official complaint to the GP surgery. I requested a diagnosis and was told they didn’t have the money to refer me. I made a Complaint, explaining why I needed this diagnosis, and a short time later they told me they would refer me after all ! Don’t let yourself be brushed off – persist with your request.
Great information Paul, thanks.
My babies dad is Asperger’s & he left us in September he said he might be coming back in October he said give him time & space, he’s been sleeping with me every weekend he comes to see our son & he keeps talking about things he would buy & do if he came back home but now & then he will get nasty & tell me he’s not coming home, I’m too much, relationships too much, he would rather be single, he also told me to move on & get with someone so he can let me go, he tells me he can’t replace me or get anyone better than me but he also tells me I am impatient bare in mind I have waited for him 4 months & believed & hoped he would come home one day, he bought me a Christmas present which was off him not our son which I was surprised, he talks about how he would come home & surprise me, he also says he doesn’t love me & hasn’t loved me for awhile, he has tried being with me & around me & he tries to be positive & think about coming home but he said it’s too much feelings & emotions for him, does he love me, will he ever come back, is he confused, is he lying to me & playing me along, is he using me, I don’t get it he says he don’t feel comfortable around me & with him wanting more time & space I don’t touch him & wait for him to touch me, I have stopped messaging him unless he messages me, I have hardly spoke about things I want to do if he comes home, it’s all about what he wants to do, I have lost weight for him, changed my hair for him, got sexy outfits for him, he says me talking about him coming home & all the stuff he has said he would buy & do if he comes home is pressuring him & pushing him away & putting him off coming home, I am doing all I can but it doesn’t seem enough, he talks about places to take me, things to buy me & still sleeps with me but like I said he says on & off he’s not coming home it’s all too much, why does he keep talking about coming home if he didn’t want to, why make me wait 4months & still I am unsure what’s going on, he talks about how amazing I am & how I deserve better than him, do I continue to let him come to me with messsges & touching me weekends he’s here so I am not being too much & shall I stop talking about him coming home & getting excited about all the stuff he’s said he would do & buy & I just act & talk normal with him & see what happens if I give him more time, if he saying all these things just to please me or because he wants to do them but he just ain’t ready yet or my feelings are too much for him, I really am trying my best, I told him if he came home and I wouldn’t know what to do as I’m scared of loosing him again I told him I wouldn’t be all over him & let him settle back in because I would love to give him big hug & tell him how much I’ve missed him but I don’t want to scare him away his reply was if I come home then obviously you can give me a big hug, he has been trying to stay in bed with me when he’s here but says it doesn’t feel right so he sleeps on sofa most of the time & he said if he ever came hone he would sleep on sofa
Hi there Sarah Louise. We’d suggest you are asking all the wrong questions and talking about the wrong person. And the real issue here is not to do with him having Asperger’s. Do you see how you have written probably about 50 sentences above along lines of he did, he said? And are quite evidently terribly unhappy? If you don’t like the way he treats you, if he has directly told you he does not love you, then why are you with him? Of course we say that on one hand, just to kind of switch your perspective, but we also know it’s likely you can’t leave him. As somewhere along the line you have learned that love is suffering, that you have to ‘earn’ love. We are here to tell you this is NOT love. This is is an addictive and painful pattern called ‘trauma bonds’. https://bit.ly/whatistraumabond. So the person you need to focus on is not him. You cannot change another person. Ever. The only person you can change is you. You need help to gain some self esteem, to learn who you really are, to learn self care and how to set boundaries. Gather up all your courage and find a counsellor you feel you can learn to trust and start looking at all of this. We imagine you feel lonely, angry, and scared. But we promise you that love is not like this. Healthy relationships mean you can totally be yourself and be fully accepted. But it also means you have to learn to not try and control others but find someone who accepts you as is, and you accept as is. We wish you courage! Best HT.
Hello from America! I was diagnosed with Aspergers in 2nd or 3rd grade (7-9 years old). Still in grade school, I’ve always been the social outcast until I joined the Marching band. Now, I have a great group of friends. However, I came to this article looking for a specific answer. Why do I always kill conversations on group chats? I’ve done it 3 times today alone. I don’t mean to, but I just can’t help it. Does anyone know how to keep the conversation going and what to not say? Thanks!
Hi there. We are really happy to hear you found your ‘tribe’! We are assuming you are talking about a Whatsapp chat or similar over in person talking. Talking via chat is hard for many people, and an be hard for our self esteem as it’s so, so easy to read things wrong. With Asperger’s even more so as it can be full of subtleties. Chats often suddenly just end anyway, it might sometimes be a coincidence your text was last. And it’s not your responsibility to keep the conversation going all the time either. But if they are good friends, maybe just worth asking them directly, just letting them know you are aware chat is not your strength and asking if they have advice. Otherwise things that work with in person communication also work with text. Don’t offer advice unless it’s directly asked for is a good one to keep in mind. Nothing kills conversation like unasked for advice! Best, HT.
“Those with Asperger’s can be very sensitive to touch and shy away from it, with the exception of someone they deeply trust. They might flinch at being tapped on the back or touched on the arm, and refuse to be hugged.”
Interesting because they will readily deploy touch as part of their approach to running relationships from them to others who they wish to organize. But still refuse to be hugged, for this is reciprocal and involves both parties going through an offer-acceptance ritual.
The touch they initiate is not able to be reciprocated and nor do they allow the touchee (the person about to be touched) to see the touch coming and they make it impossible for the touchee to assent or decline. In other words it is a statement of power and status. Male mammals, Aspie humans and NT being part of this group universally recognize that when one man touches another the initiator is communicating his power and status to the touchee. It is not unknown even among NT males in Japan, China etc to demonstrate to the group who is ‘top dog’ by this method but in the West almost unknown, except to Aspies. Interestingly American Indians used to have the notion of ‘counting coup’ whereby they would get close enough to an enemy to touch him with a stick but not harm him. This was the ultimate symbol of bravery on the Plains.
The touch seems to foillow a script: The Aspie toucher gives no sign e.g. by commencing to lift his arm when it can be seen by the touchee bu waits until the touchee has his back to the Aspie. Then the Aspie toucher will place his hands onto the touchee’s back, even the small of the touchees back if he is standing. Maybe patting the other’s back. He says nothing but will keep his hands on the person’s back for a while if he is seated, resting on the touchees shoulders. From this description can be seen: The touchee has no say in whether he is patted or touched. He is denied the opportunity to decline. And unlike in an offered man-hug the touchee cannot reciprocate.
It is sort of friendly in a one way sense. The manner of approach itself is meant to intimidate as if the Aspie toucher is the top male dog in the pack sneaking up behind the touchee and so in a position where he could inflict serious damage on the touchee. But then the Aspie at the last second makes a gentle touch, as if to say that “See, if I had wanted to I could have hurt you, the fact I was gentle with you means I accept you in my territory”.
Hi there John, it’s an interesting theory. Thank you for sharing it. We don’t see this happening with our clients, so we would not say this is a common thing, we don’t often see any sort of negative and calculated power choice happening. We aren’t sure if you are on the autism spectrum yourself, by the way you write we are assuming you are, so then are you writing this about yourself? If you are feeling this is what you do, and you have been looking for research to understand why you are curious to touch people, are you sure that this is the truth of the matter? That it is some big power move? Or are you unconsciously seeking some theory as a way to judge yourself? It’s true there are power hierarchies in our society. But it’s also true that there is nothing wrong with wanting some physical contact with those you are close to. It doesn’t make you a bad person or mean you only want to have power. But it can be upsetting for someone with autism to not understand their own impulses, we can understand that. If you find your own need to have physical contact upsetting, then what about talking about it with someone, either the friend in question, or another friend who might understand? Or a counsellor? Best, HT.
When it comes to emotions, I think the distinction is that I definitely do feel strong emotions, it can just be hard to understand one’s own emotional state. At least that’s my experience. I will often need to reassess logically whether my responses to circumstances are proportional or whether I am catastrophising. Last month my mother was in a bit of a state because she couldn’t get her google maps to work to fetch my nephew. I was in a game of Dota 2 (a competitive online multiplayer game) and had to leave mid-game to help her navigate. I felt flustered and annoyed by having to leave and became a little “sour” for lack of a better word. Leaving means 9 other people have wasted their time, and there are punishments if one does it consistently.
Sitting in the car expressionless I considered whether it was even a big deal in the first place, and after some thought I immediately calmed down, realising that it was a rare occurrence and that family obligations should reasonably always come first. it just takes a while for me to process how I’m feeling and then adjust those feelings.
It’s like I know I’m experiencing a negative or a positive emotion, but I sort of need to introspect and assess why sometimes to identify it.
Hi Wesley, thanks for this share! The autism spectrum definitely sees each individual have their own challenges and symptoms. And if it helps we’d say many people without Aspergers would have the exact same annoyed reaction, also feel guilty about the other players, and perhaps not have the awareness you do to calm down so quickly or recognise their real priorities! So sounds like you have developed a great set of coping skills to manage your symptoms. Best, HT.
hi. i am 81 and i am looking back on my life and seeing all my struggles in life and am sure i have aspergers syndrome and realize how much i have struggled all my life with so many of these behaviors and especially short term memory issues. that is why i struggled with my education. i cant list it all here but it feels like i finally found all the pieces of my lifes jigsaw puzzle. what worries me now is when i get older could i be misdagnosed with dementia even though i have had these problems all my life?
Hi Kathy, we aren’t experts here on the editorial team on the fine differences between Asperger’s and dementia, so it would be better to run all your worries past your GP, for example, and then the fact that you have Asperger’s would be on your medical record if it isn’t already. From our limited understanding short-term memory loss is quite normal even from 40 upwards, and particularly in old age, and would not likely be misunderstood as dementia, where it’s not just about losing memories of where we put the keys etc, but having gaps in thinking that directly affect daily coping. Again, best to discuss this with a medical professional, dementia is not one of our specialties. Best, HT.
I have a written diagnosis of aspergers syndrome on my NHS records. I DEEPLY disagree with the way the situation is explained and how it seems experts spout off with the same authoritarian rigid descriptions. To me the experts are like cavemen doing brain surgery.
Life is many shades of grey and the fatal mistakes I found used with me was
1) your a complete cretin and won’t realise that I’m lying or manipulative to you.
2) Someone got the wrong diagnosis and your difficult / unruly and faking it.
Like any situation the long game routes out those who do not have kindnesses, honestly and integrity. Discussion and compromise are key.
This article provides a clear and informative overview of the signs of Asperger’s in adults. Recognizing the subtle signs, such as difficulties with social interactions and sensory sensitivities, can lead to better understanding and support for individuals with Asperger’s. Thanks for shedding light on this topic and helping raise awareness about adult Asperger’s syndrome!
Reading many of the comments have helped me a lot. My husband hasn’t been diagnosed but I’m sure he has Aspergers. He has ALL the symptoms and signs. We dated more than 7 years before we got married 16 years ago. All the signs were there but managed to mask most of them. I was drawn to him because he was then kind and giving and I had just divorced a disgusting man. After we were married, the mask came off and all the signs were revealed.
I have been married to my husband for 46 years and at times it’s been really hard, but having read your articles I’m now convinced that he has Asperger’s syndrome. My friend who has 2 autistic children suggested that he was, and suggested that I should learn about it. I feel like a veil has been lifted from my eyes, and I can now understand his reactions and behaviour in certain situations over those years. From his obsessive hobbies to his lack of being able to express himself. His total inability to hug myself or our sons, which over the years have led to a real feeling of isolation and loneliness on my part. Yes his loyalty has been undeniable. He has supported all my ventures, worked tirelessly to provide everything he thought I wanted (even when I didn’t, but his lack of conversation would never actually establish what I wished for in the first place), but until I read this, I never fully understood that this was his form of ‘emotional’ love. He is aware that he cannot express himself, is clumsy (always drops his food over the table when eating) hates being in social situations etc and our days are a set timetable. I also have to tell him what I’m doing every day, where I’m going, with whom etc so he can put it on his calendar. It’s not a control thing, as I can literally do what I want, when I want! So my question is this…. Should I suggest he learn about the syndrome in the hope that he understands why he reacts the way he does in certain situations?
I’m in the same boat as you. 28 years of marriage- 3 children that I have carried all of the emotional labour. I’ve had no one to care for my emotions. I’ve finally come to realize this. All along, he’s never been able to give me what I need emotionally and he never will. I am an excellent and explicit communicator with very high emotional intelligence. I’m going through the stages of grief of what happened to me in this marriage and can I live like this forever- feeling alone and lacking emotional intimacy. Is this right? Is this fair? I’ve given everything to him and now I’m the one who’s empty. What about my needs? It’s difficult- I’ve never left because I took my marriage vows seriously and I have tremendous inner strength and resilience but I don’t know- being in a relationship like this is not balanced. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. He’s very defensive about all of this. My adult daughters are convinced he’s on the spectrum as well. If he won’t go to counselling or get diagnosed- I’m tired of being the one doing all the work in this relationship. I deserve better. He might love us and be loyal but people need to feel it and see it.