The Mother Wound – Were You Under Mothered?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 8, 2023
By: Kim Strømstad
by Andrea M. Darcy
The mother wound is not a clinical diagnosis.
But is a useful short hand to describe a very real psychological issue – being under mothered.
Those with a mother wound are left to navigate adulthood without the base of confidence and security that enough mothering instills.
[Do you feel your mother issues are so big you need help, fast? Harley Therapy booking platform provides affordable online therapy as soon as tomorrow.]
But my mother was so ‘nice’….
Sometimes it’s very apparent we were not mothered. Our mother had psychological issues, or an addiction, or a physical illness. She was clearly unable to provide the consistent love and support needed for a child to prosper.
But there is another type of mother that can leave us an adult who feels guilty for daring to think we have a mother wound. This is the fun, generous mother everyone else loved. The mother who took care of us in a physical sense. We had a nice home, nice clothes, we were driven to after school classes, we never wanted for anything.
Except we did. We wanted for love and acceptance. A child has an innate need to feel loved and accepted no matter what their moods, thoughts, and actions.
A mother can appear very together and even do her best, given what she learned from her own mother, to follow her idea of ‘good parenting‘.
But if our mother was emotionally absent or unreliable, often distant and preoccupied, emotionally cold, or only loved us when we pleased her? Then we were essentially ‘under mothered’.
What does under mothering look like?
By: Loren Kerns
Under mothering has many faces – and voices.
In fact one way to know if you are under mothered is to tune in to the little voice in your head, shaming and criticising you. Often this little voice takes its cues from our parents, or can even sound exactly like one of them.
If we are under mothered this little voice will be telling us we are not wanted, not good enough, too difficult to love. That we have to try harder, that we are second best, that we annoy people.
Or cast your mind back to childhood and try to remember how you felt growing up. If you were under mothered it would mean that you felt:
- unable or scared to turn to your mother in times of need
- unsure your mother was glad you existed
- uncertain she would be happy to see you or annoyed
- aware you must be you ‘good’ self around her or risk her bad mood or even being punished
- scared to take up your mother’s time
- worried your mother loved you or even liked you
- nervous, anxious, or in danger around their mother
- aware you had to take care of your mother, instead of the other way around.
Get angry, or totally forgive?
If our mother was unable to be a reliable source of love and care we can become an adult who struggles with how they feel about their mother.
By: Paul Williamson
On the one hand, now we are also grown up, or perhaps even adults ourselves, we can start to see how hard parenting is and want to be compassionate.
On the other hand, we can feel consumed by anger and bitterness when we try to connect with our mothers.
If we only live from the rage of the child we once were, we can feel vindicated, but also lonely. There is a constant sense that something is missing in our lives.
If we try to instead completely submerge our anger and protect our mother (she is, after all, the one who gave us life, isn’t it ‘wrong’ to be angry at her?) . And try to only be compassionate? We can end up with a host of mental health issues.
These can include depression, anxiety, poor self-esteem, lack of boundaries, anger issues, and a confused sense of identity. And we will struggle to have loving, secure relationships.
So what is the solution to the mother wound?
There can actually be room for both perspectives.
We can learn, through self development and therapy techniques, how to allow our ‘inner child’ out to vent her feelings in ways that are safe. On the pages of a journal or the contained space of a therapy room, we can let ourselves rage at the mother the woman who birthed us once was.
This creates space for our adult self to then see more clearly the woman our mother now is. The truth is that she has changed too, even as we have, even if just a little. We can decide what sort of relationship we’d like to have with this woman, as and when we are ready.
We can also learn how to parent ourselves, and give ourselves all the things we never received as a child.
[Want to learn self development tools to help you heal the mother wound and reparent yourself? Sign up to our blog to hear when we release the next article in this series. ]
But isn’t it all my mother’s fault?
Completely blaming our mothers for everything that is wrong in our lives does sound convenient.
But living our life out from a place of blame leaves us in victim mode, where we forget about our personal power to make choices and change.
And at some point we are going to do something that is like something our mother would do. Make mistakes, not give someone what they need, be a less than perfect parent to our own children. In order to blame our mother for everything, we will have to use denial over our own flaws. Blame cuts us off from our very selves.
Allowing our feelings of blame towards our mothers to pour out in the safe space of a therapy room, and momentarily inhabiting the feelings of the lost and lonely child we once were? To make room for new perspectives? That IS useful.
Harley Therapy connects you with some of London’s best counselling psychologists and psychotherapists who can help you with your mother wound and childhood issues. Or try our sister site harleytherapy.com to book therapists across the U.K. and also worldwide via online.
Still have a question about the mother wound and being under mothered? Post in the comments below.
Andrea M. Darcy is the editor and lead writer of this site who was herself bought up by an emotionally unavailable mother. Find her on Twitter and @am_darcy.
Wow. Did my quiz answers really give you that much information? Yes mother issues but also some Dad issues. No blame for them they did the best they could and I can see their upbringing didn’t help them. Both gone now.
I’d like to sign up for the blog you refer to in the magenta-coloured text above. But I cannot find the link to do this. The Mother Wound
Hi Wendy, great question. If you look to the right side of the page you will see an image that says ‘join us!’ and the place to put your email address and you then receive alerts when we post new articles. Hope that helps!
Hi Alison, we didn’t use anyone’s quiz answers when writing this post! It’s simply that we know how many people feel about their relationships with their mothers. We are sorry to hear you have lost your parents. But yes, most parents do the best they can. This said, it’s ok to be angry or sad about the way we were parented.
I cannot say l was under mothered as such but the fact is that l lost my mother when l was 11… It is always the best thing to realize that there is someone who replaces those wounds. I wanted to understand more on the self-development technique. How will l go about it
Thanks for sharing! Losing your mother at 11 must have been very heartbreaking. We are truly sorry to hear this. Each case is individual and we don’t know your life story. If, however, from birth to aged 7 you had a good, trusting, accepting and loving bond with your mother, you might have a stronger sense of being mothered and suffer far less attachment issues than someone who still has a mother but whose mother is distant and unavailable. We will be publishing the second piece in this series soon so do check back or sign up to the blog to receive an alert (you will see the box in the left hand corner that says “JOIN”, fill in that form).
Thank you for this excellent article. This is very good material for both men and women, and I’ve just added it to the “Additional Resources” section on my new website, menandthemotherwound.com.
We are glad you liked it Rick! We just checked out your site, perhaps you would be interested in writing an article for us about men and the mother wound? We’ll send you a mail.
My sister and I were in foster homes and then adopted by my parents. We lived in fear and in danger from my father/mother whom adopted. We never had a childhood , we lived to a state of constant fear because of our dad abusing us by beating us with his belt (not just a couple of wacks either) we would have welps and bruises left on us for days and it even hurt to sit down. I thought one time, and I am not lying either, I was actually going to die from a belt beating. i was also emotionally abused . i remember one time i was blamed for something i did not do and in front of all my aunts, uncles cousins since they thought i touched a antique clock . my mom told my dad and made me lay down on the floor with my nose touching and i remember crying silently with a puddle of tears forming underneath my nose. a lot of my moms brothers and sisters were not happy at all as it made them feel uncomfortable to see me endure that. i remember a couple of my uncles speaking out to my dad how that is not right and my mom says “she’ll be fine”. my sister and i for always were scared because we didn’t know what would happen that day. yes i forgive them, but at times the memories taunt me and i sower i would never ever beat my children with a belt’ i guess its from the fear i went through. so maybe you could do a article on a adopted child being abused. mentally, physically and emotionally. my mother died recently in a nursing home but i never really grieved. i feel quilty about that , but their was also other things that happened as being a adult child in our relationship along with what my non blood brothers and mom continued to do . especially when my sister (real sister) when she died from complications of Lupus. they pretty much threw her in the garbage . no funeral, no memorial service , nothing. a lot of favortisim and mom had money, an estate and could have did that. when my mom passed she didn’t even leave me a piece of jewelry to remember her by (could have passed down, but why have something to remember when there is nothing really special to remember)but it went to her granddaughter who is blood, so it does make me question why ? did i do something wrong, was i not their to fully take care of her a home, my husband in military, could not help that? it makes me focus on why they adopted us just so they can have slaves when raising us, were we not that important as far as the children she birthed. that’s also another thing i battle a lot. anyway can you do a article on this. its horrible to not have a family who never cared about you , and especially from being adopted. WHY? i have always had a empty place in my heart from knowing i was not really accepted.
Lee Ann, we are sorry to hear all this. And we are sad that it sounds nobody was there for you.There is a lot of deep rage and fury and upset here that it would be great to process with proper support, yes. As for ‘knowing I was not accepted’. The thing that remains of all this is… you. When are YOU going to be there for you? When are YOU going to fully, 100% accept yourself? That is all that matters now, what YOU think. You cannot go back in time and change anyone’s mind or anyone’s actions, you cannot ever know what they think, but you can know what you think. ANd we are willing to bet that deep down, you don’t think so highly of yourself. But you should. You are a strong person. You are here, you are continuing, and that is miraculous. In summary, this stuff needs a lot of looking at and a lot of processing with a good therapist. But if you are thinking about it non stop, they are still winning. Unless you learn to put the focus back on you, and taking care of yourself and nourishing yourself and accepting yourself, you are still letting them run your life even now. We feel you deserve more.
Hi Lee Ann, I want to let you know that even non-adopted children are physically and mentally abused by their own biological parents. I’ve seen a few cases and experienced it from my biological mother. When I was young I used to wonder if I was an adopted child but the fact is I wasn’t. These women (mothers) have problem managing their emotional problems and temper. They just rage it out on vulnerable victims (their children) even though we did nothing wrong. Sometimes when they quarrel with their husband, they’ll take it out on the children because they can’t hit the the adult (their husband) so they hit his children.
Why are you placing all of the weight on mothers? Fathers play a role in raising children too, whether they embrace it or not. And some people don’t even have mothers, for example, someone who was raised by two fathers. It seems unfair to me to expect more out of mothers than fathers. It might be better to call it the “parent wound,” since underfathering is also an issue.
Hi Casey, we aren’t. This is an article for people who had a difficult mother relationship, nowhere does it state that everything is all a mother’s fault. What is it touching for you that is making you so upset? Worth looking at.
Hi. I feel that my mother was/is verbally and emotionally abusive. First she got me HIV+ when I was a baby by breastfeeding me from her HIV sister. I don’t believe that it’s any coincidence that I’m the only one she’s done that to and as you can imagine I’ve suffered a lot mentally, emotionally and obviously physically as well and she’s shown no remorse or sympathy or empathy or compassion or concern at all. I’ve been forced to suppress this pain deep down and I feel a tightness in my chest typing all this out. My mother treats me as if I’m the bad person with bad thoughts and a bad heart. According to her I’m bad, I’m this, I’m that and constantly verbally abuses me. She used to tell me that no one would want to be friends with me, that no one would want me as their coworker, that no man would be willing to marry me etc. She feels justified in saying all these things because I’m bad according to her and everything I do has an evil motive. So if I cry or express anger or say something angrily she’ll say that I was just planning the whole day that I would say whatever it is that I said. She’s always done this to me so I can never have any emotions without being accused of ulterior motives. She’s always accusing me of doing things to her and I never feel like I’m living my life. I always feel that I have to be very careful and cautious in case of being accused of something I’m not or someone gets the wrong impression of me. You might read this and say maybe she feels guilty for getting me HIV+ and that’s why she treats me badly but she’s been treating me this way for most of my life even before. She’s never ever cared for me at all. She’s always falsely accusing me of so many things yet has never taken the time to get to know the real me and it makes me feel anxious because she’s always basing her interactions with me based on whatever she’s invented about me and not reality. She’s also constantly telling my dad “the problem is with her” like I’ve done anything wrong because I told her I was struggling to sleep. It doesn’t feel fair to go through all of this.
This all sounds tremendously hard to live through and we are sorry to hear it. Mother and daughter relationships are hard as is, as is growing up, being a kid and teen, and it sounds like you have a difficult history between you two. Do you have anyone to talk to about this? Is there an outside adult you trust, a counsellor at school? What matters is that get through your adolescence until the time you are an adult living alone and able to make your own decisions and seek support to process this. As a kid, particularly if we have parents who won’t help us, we can feel really trapped (if there was any chance you could be honest with them you needed someone to help you, read this article about how to discuss mental with parents http://bit.ly/talktoparents). But there are things out there. Google to see if there are, for example, free hotlines in your country for teens that you can call (if you were in the UK you can find them here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines). If you really can find nothing and nobody, try techniques to help you process your frustration. take loose paper and write out all your feelings then rip it up after so you don’t have to feel worried, and maybe learn how to practise mindfulness http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. we wish you courage. Keep going, take it day by day.
Most human beings were not loved properly. Both the mother and father did not provide the adequate nurturing. It’s an epidemic on a global scale.
Hi Rafael, there are a lot of people who were loved, and it’s shown by research a child needs just one committed loving caregiver from birth to about aged 7 to excel in life. But yes, unfortunately, many others did not receive even this, and current family laws seem to allow children to be treated in ways an adult could sue for, or allow just anyone to have a child. We do hope things like this change in the future.
I believe my partner lives with this. He won’t admit however I’ve recognized. I just want to know how do I help him? I don’t want to be a mother figure to him because I’m his girlfriend. Where do I draw the line or how do I reach out and nurture him without feeling like I’m playing the mother role?
Hi Sandra, we can’t control other people, and if they don’t want to work on something that’s up to them. Many people shut down if they feel they are being ‘armchair diagnosed’. So really we find the best way is to lead by example. Put effort on working on your own issues. If you don’t want to mother him, don’t. Learn about clear boundaries, set them, and follow them. Learn about honest communication and work on creating a safe space to share between you. If you can’t figure out the line, it might be worth seeking counselling yourself even, particularly if this might me a pattern in your relationships, where you attract men who need fixing and end up diagnosing them and worrying about fixing them. Best, HT.
My mother is a drug addict, still is and probably will be for a long time after, I had to raise my two younger sisters for three years while my mother was almost always in her room with her at the time boyfriend which is my youngest sister’s father and her current boyfriend which wants children and now I’m living with my grandparents who are trying to adopt my sisters and myself all the while my mother is in another state halfway across the country and is doing nothing to try and get us back, to be a decent human being when my sister talks to her on the phone because she is always high or even at least try to get better with her addiction, my grandparents went to court and it was court ordered that my mother was to go to an in-patient treatment facility but my mom still goes to this little out-patient facility and claims to be getting better when she has been going to this out-patient facility for over two years and there has been no improvement, my mother is supposed to pay child care and hasen’t since my grandparents took us in. Not only that but my aunt recently overdosed on drugs and anti-depression pills and my mother has done nothing to get better after hearing what can happen if she continues down this path and my cousin (my aunt’s son), father, one of my older sisters and a lot of other people that I was close to while living with my mom are drug addicts as well. Thank you for listening, this was very hard to write.
Hi there, we can imagine this is very hard and you feel very abandoned. And it’s an awful lot of change for a young person. And you feel angry. It’s normal. You’ve had to deal with far more than a child should have to, and it also sounds terribly lonely. Unfortunately addiction is addiction because it’s out of control. When we don’t have an addiction it can be easy to say, why can’t that person just stop? Why can’t they get help? But if they could just stop then they wouldn’t have an addiction. So you are thinking in a logical way, of course you are. But your mother’s brain won’t be logic at this point. It’s best to see her as someone who is sick. On one hand, it’s healthy to be angry and you need to work through that anger and not suppress it or pretend it doesn’t exist. But if it helps, try to switch perspective a little. If your mother had a very serious illness, would you be mad at her for not doing all the things you want her to and being able to take care of you? Addiction is a serious illness. Finally, have you been offered any support over this? Has your social worker suggested any kind of support group or counselling? It would be really great if you had someone to trust to talk to about all this, or at least a support group where you could talk to other people who also have loved ones who are addicts and feel less alone.
Hi, I understand it’s not really my place to be here but I’m going through this currently. I’m 11 almost 12 and my mother terrifies me. Just yesterday we were laughing and playing then today when I’m an hour late to starting online classes (class starts at 12, she wants me to get on at 9 but I got on at 10) she started shouting and yelling at me. I was crying trying to apologize but she shouted to stop saying sorry. She’s currently at home with me, working from home teaching a class and she said after her class that she’s ‘coming for’ me.
I’m scared, after she went to her office (she has one in the house) I started insulting myself and punching my left arm. I don’t know what to do, I’m too scared to tell her what I’ve been feeling. Stuff like this is happening all the time, when I do nothing she’s all cheerful and fun, taking me on trips and other cool things. When I mess up she gets super angry and blames it all on me, about 4 weeks ago she said “Do this again and I swear I’ll make your life hell” when I did something wrong.
I was going to find a hotline but convinced myself it wouldn’t help, I haven’t talked to anyone about this so this scares me. Please don’t use this in the news or anything like that, I’m not sure what you do. No articles or anything, I don’t want her to know and give me a beating (it’s not abuse or anything like that, don’t worry. It’s basically just a belt and she hits me with it a few times.)
– SH (my initials), 11 almost 12.
Hi there, hitting you with a belt is abuse, actually. And what you are going through is psychological abuse as well. Abuse doesn’t have to only involve being hit. This is not normal and not in any way okay. It sounds like she is not mentally well at this time and you are bearing the brunt of it. A hotline is a great idea. We don’t know what country you are in. If you are in the UK, you can find a hotline that helps teens, we have a list of hotlines here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. If you are not in the UK google for a help line in your country. Otherwise please, please, please do find help as soon as you can. Is there another adult you can talk to? A teacher or a school counsellor? If it gets bad and she is going to really hurt you or herself also do not hesitate to call emergency services like the police (And fyi we would never use someone’s personal story in any way, it goes against ethics and our policies, and this is posted anonymously). Best, HT.
Wow this is the first time I’ve heard of this issue of bad mothering being addressed & it’s SO important.
I think others would recognise these things :-
I believe that it’s largely the root cause of my life “failing”. We all hear about men’s need to be validated by their fathers, women need this just as much.
I was fed , clothed & schooled but l always felt “less than” ,even invisible (ar times – unimportant) Yes favouritism was rampant in our home.
Emotionally, intellectually l was grossly neglected, & yes EVERYONE thought my mother was wonderful – even my friends who gravitated towards her !
Whilst she seemed to dote on my siblings she didn’t hold back telling me how l was a ” stupid, useless & good-for-nothing idiot ” & how l “didn’t deserve anything” etc l think a little part of me died every time she said these things, l had no one else telling me any different.
I was told years later she was probably jealous of my independant spirit or something. Munchausens seems to come to mind.
My siblings taunted me with name calling & stopped me having friends until l was 8 yo.,
Where was my mother when all this was happening ?
She slso ridiculed me in front of her friends , NEVER stood up for me or validated me as an individual. I felt unworthy & that I deserved bad treatment .
Took me years to realise it wasn’t me. I firmly believe that some people shouldn’t have children or pets & maybe parenting/relationship skills should be taught in school.
I’ve struggled with relationships all my life causing depression & suicidal thoughts,
lt also made me vulnerable to the wrong people, choosing “friends” & partners that were bad for me.
I actually told my mother that it would have been kinder to drown me at birth.
Her reaction was to shrug- as usual .
I can honestly say I’ve felt more compassion and trust in some strangers & colleagues.
(My workplace relationships were also obviously affected )
One doesn’t have to be physically hurt to feel broken inside at times.
I guess I’m lucky at least that my parents hadn’t passed on drug/alcohol addiction.
I’ve never married or had children, I’ve since met MANY women who were affected as i was & are also single & childless.
I believe that I was robbed of having a full-filling career as l lacked the confidence to dream or take risks.
Yes I’ve lived with resentment & blame most of the time & confusion.
So mothers PLEASE do the best that you can be for your children – your children should be your priority .
Julie, yes, being under mothered is really hard. It means we have to build our confidence and sense of self ourselves, often from scratch. And learn how to relate ourselves. But we can do that. As adults we have that choice and power. Have you considered seeking support over this? Best, HT.
Is there any information available for us moms being accused of inflicting the mother wound? Even the Wicked Witch of the West had feelings.
Eleanor, did you actually read the article? It quite clearly discusses how mothering is hard, etc, and that part of healing the mother wound can be about recognising that your parent did the best they could with what they had available. If you have guilt about your parenting then we’d suggest you work with a therapist. We do sense from this comment, given you use the word ‘accused’ that maybe at this point you are entrenched in the viewpoint that you are blameless and feel a victim. For any sort of healing and progress you’d need to be open to the other’s viewpoint and meeting in the middle. And move beyond your defensiveness to try to understand the story from all viewpoints, not just your own. Relationships are complicated, particularly parent/child ones (for example, did you have a perfect relationship with your parents? Do you find them flawless and guiltless?). We generally find the truth in relationships lies somewhere in the middle, and healing comes when all involved parties have the courage to lay aside their egos and move in that direction. Family therapy is a wonderful tool here, helping everyone communicate in non destructive ways and listen better. Best, HT.
Ouch! Yes, I read the article. And yes, my daughter and I are struggling. We are both in therapy as well as family therapy. I was hoping for some insight to help with how I might navigate this difficult time in a supportive manner for both my daughter and me. All information about the Mother Wound seems to be coming from the point of view of the wounded not the wounder. Truly had hoped your therapy website would have been able to help me with this informational search. I will continue the hunt elsewhere.
Hi Eleanor, we aren’t sure why the ‘ouch’. We were asking as it hadn’t seemed you had read it based on comment, which is the only information we had available, we don’t know you. We often get comments based on titles only so we find it clears things up fastest to ask if the entire article was read. Our reply is not unkind, and it seems you’ve taken it as some kind of offence. We do understand it is hard to communicate over comments, but it’s worth noting that your response, like your first comment, is rather barbed, despite hiding behind humour. Perhaps you are unaware of this dynamic? (It might be interesting to go back and read your original comment and try to to imagine how it might come across if you were a stranger). We are thrilled you are in therapy that is just fantastic news. We are always happy to add article ideas to our list, and one on what to do if you’ve been accused of bad mothering is certainly a good topic. Thanks.