What is Childhood Trauma and Did You Experience It?

My boyfriend suffered a childhood trauma over a number of years. He is struggling with being close, open and is generally shutting himself away from me creating distance. we both know what happened to him is causing this. I hate seeing him hurt, he says he’s struggling, but won’t let me come close enough to even suggest any help for him. I’m at a loss. I want him to not hurt anymore.

Is somatic body healing the way?Release trauma stored in body…does it help?

Hi, I had sexual abuse happen to me as a child. Now 39…my therapist has helped me with EMDR therapy. I always felt lonely and depressed. I never believed anyone loved me. I feels things now! Also I could never trust a man. I really appreciate your article! It makes heaps of sense to me and relates to me soo much. I had behavioural problems as a child and could not understand why. I know what happened to me wasn’t my fault! My therapist has helped me so much to help me move forward with my new core ! My organs always used to be my armor and took on all my internal stress! I would always hide behind my true feelings. I now feel stronger than ever before! I also lived with brain fog for 3years. It was awful. I can see more clearly now…I’ve had several relationships…always me ending them. Now I am focused more on where I’m at and feeling like I’m understanding my true self …finally!!!

I grew up in an environment I would describe as not overly loving or affectionate. My mum, although I do know she loved me in her own way, didn’t demonstrate affection in any way. In fact I don’t ever remember her hugging me or saying she loved me throughout my childhood, the only time I can recall her saying she loved me or was proud of me was the day before she died. My main memories are of her losing her temper and hitting me. My dad (step dad really but has been there throughout my life) has always been one for keeping his emotions to his chest and has only recently started saying love you. If I was naughty my mum would physically punish me with whatever was to hand be it shoe, newspaper, glass ornaments or whatever she could throw. Ive grown up my entire life craving approval from others in everything whether it be relationships, work or achievements. I have a number of failed relationships behind me, mainly because I fell into them craving love and affection and then realising that person wasn’t right for me and made me feel inadequate. I’ve struggled to make friendships my entire life and ended up pushing people away as I think I’m not good enough or interesting enough. Right now I fear I’m warping my children’s lives due to issues I’ve been too afraid to deal with. I’m a product of a time where you just got on with it and didn’t admit you needed help let alone seek it. It’s taken my child taking an overdose and me realising I don’t want to fuck up her life like I feel mine was fucked up to realise I may need help. I struggle with confrontation and am too weak to be the parent my daughter needs, mainly because I don’t want my girls to grow up in a environment where parents are constantly arguing. I give in where I should stand my ground. Knowing this is the first step, knowing how to fix it seems like a mountain especially when counselling costs so much.

Recently I figured out that my episodes of overwhelming feelings of doom and hopelessness are likely emotional memories from when I was a baby. Since becoming a dad I’ve also remembered some other portions of my childhood. To summarize I suffered SA as an infant/toddler and physical/emotional abuse as well as neglect as a kid. When I figured out that these episodes were memories I started remembering things that happened later too- I feel like my head has cleared. I actually enjoyed my day for the first time in years. I feel new and hopeful!

I have barely come to terms that I was verbally abused, bullied, beat up, and traumatized by my cousin who I grew up with. I’m now 26 and up until now I’m no longer in denial about anything. I need help because I so badly just want to have a family intervention and move forward and heal from this, and for ones in my life feel can feel normal. Thank you for this article, I know its going to help me in the long run.

Hello, i try to figure out if i have childhood trauma or not.

When I was twelve, my mother started shouting and yelling to me and I don’t know why. She offended and humiliated me every day, said I was ugly and beat me, scratched my hair and and and… scared me sometimes. She intimidated me and it felt like all the love once existed was gone at one moment. – and after time I lost my self-confidence. I also was bullied at school at the same time, I also don’t know the reason. No one ever told me. My friends all let me down at the same time, because the group pressure became too high. My mother also told me that I was dumb and manipulated me. She terrorized me and played with my life like this 3 years long. Then she got (superficially) nice, but only cause she got her way. Only cause she ruined my life to a point where it was no longer MINE.

Then, when I was 14, I changed school because I thought I was too dumb. I only thought this because of her, this was her plan, her game. Then, at the other school, my classmates chronically excluded me, that really hurt. I am a person who needs people around me, who likes talking and laughing together, I am not a person who likes sitting lonely in the corner. But, there was no one. My mother was cold, she didn’t really empathize, my father didn’t see that the problem was serious and my teachers didn’t do anything. They said it was my fault, I am a strange loner. But I never was! They thought so damn wrong about me! – And they also never gave me a reason. Some classmates I heard saying, I was arrogant and a nerd and tryed to be the teachers pet. This was not true, I would have been a great friend but no one gave me a chance. – And just because I am intersted in languages and science (and good), I am not an arrogant nerd. This time I really needed safety so that I can heal, but all I’ve got was ‘guilt, shame, accusations, desparation, sadness, lonelyness and suicidal thoughts’.

There also was another event in my childhood which is very strange, like a horror movie. I woke up in a nightmare. I had nightmares about blood and things I don’t wanna tell now and I always had strange somatic problems. I had difficulties swallowing, but I wasn’t allowed to see a doctor. – And my mom became really strange and emotionally cold. (I was 8.) At a news paper I read symptoms of gullet cancer and was afraid to have this illness. Then my mother said “maybe, I don’t think so but no one can know” and I thought she didn’t mind if I would die. I wanted to see a doctor, but she always said “no”. So I thought that I won’t even live til my 9th birthday and said goodbye to life. I had to test if I would survive! That is so sick! God, I was an 8 year old child!

And now, I am in a business school (cause of the manipulative game of my mom) and not really able to learn the business subjects. I should graduate this year, but, I just can’t. I think I struggle with emotional flashbacks when confrontated with a business subject. Maybe because my mom is an office woman or because of something I don’t know (“forgotten” trauma, maybe) which maybe was the root cause of the nightmares when I was 8. This is so much and so complicated.

I plan to see a psychologist (or another psycho….), but first I have to tell my parents, which wasn’t a big problem for me, the problem is that like always, they won’t understand. They think badly about psychologists and think I just lie because I am lazy and don’t wanna learn. But that is not true! I am a curious and open minded person, who loves learning new things. But I am simply not interested in business. I like natural sciences. My mother pushed me in a life which doesn’t fit my personality, which isn’t mine. But the main problem is, because of the inner panic and feelings of desparation, powerlessness, hopelessness and depression I experience when confrontated with business stuff, I can’t study this. But know one tries to understand! I am completely on my own and I definetly need someone! The only way I can heal is if I quit school, because the subjects trigger me and I can’t concentrate, and find help. It feels like I was numbed for years and now all the feelings want to break free. – And what’s really hard for me is that there is just no one, no one who understand, no one who listens and no one who sees that there is a real problem. My parents (my mother never) won’t help me with the school issue, they don’t see that I can’t graduate and that at the moment I am emotionally confused and need to heal, not to suffer and suffer and hurt and hurt again and again. I think the only little chance I have is a diagnose from a mental health professional or sth. like this which I can show my parents, so that they ‘see what I’m saying.’ – Cause words didn’t help, sadly.

And I can’t do all this alone, I don’t have power anymore and 3 weeks ago I’ve had a nervous breakdown. And like always, I just have to function.

Hi I’m Donnie.. Im kind of confused on if I have it or not. My parents have compared us to others many times and have called us idiots, stupid, dumb etc. They have picked and chosen words we have said and used it against us. We were not allowed to speak our mind. We would get told to shut up and if we failed to do so, he would threaten with his belt to beat us. We grew up where we couldn’t talk to anyone in our family but ourselves and maybe other siblings. We supressed our feelings because we would be threatened if we showed any signs of sadness or anger. They have never apologized when they were wrong. They have said that we could never win an argument against them because they are older than us. Bo such thing as arguments.
There were some good times too which makes me confused and sad. My mom hugs me sometimes and my dad makes jokes and stuff and buys us things. They say they love us but every month I’m crying over something they did to me. I was once almost beaten for not tying my shoelaces correctly how he wanted and beaten for not sweeping how he wanted. He said I was a woman and I needed to be more like one. I am confused. Am I an overreacting teenager? I’m crying rn as I’m typing this. Please help me.

I am a 49 year old career woman and mother with a 22 year old son and a husband of 28 years.
I am not good at expressing feelings of anger and hurt and allow things to build up until they come to a head and I have a mini melt down – sobbing uncontrollably! Then I get over myself and I pick myself back up again and carry on until the next outburst. They can be years apart but are triggered by a sense of being unloved and let down.

I feel I have a lot of issues from childhood that I have buried for so many years. About 16 years ago a memory was triggered by a friend talking about a local hospital he used to visit to see his father who was suffering from a lung condition. It was a hospital I spent about a year at aged 6 to attempt to get my chronic asthma under control. He described how he used to walk around the lake and feed the ducks and play in the playground during his visits. I started to sob uncontrollably because it triggered a deeply buried memory of my time there which was not pleasant. I was on a children’s ward with many children, boys and girls, with different conditions ranging from anorexia, behavioural issues, bed wetting, physically disabled etc. and ranging from very young children to 17 year olds. I saw and endured things no 6 year old should have to encounter. I was also bullied and blackmailed by the older girls.
I spoke to my mother as, although I knew I spent time at this hospital, I had no idea how young I was or how long I was there for. She said I should have been at the hospital over the summer holidays but once I was in the system they could not get me out – it felt like I would image being in care would feel like. When I returned to school I struggled to fit back in and was bullied for being absent and different.

In my adult life I struggle with my relationship with my parents as they are not good at showing emotion. I also struggle in my relationship with my husband as he is also not good at showing emotion and we do not have a physical relationship – his choice not mine which is also hard to take as most people assume that it is usually the woman who doesn’t want sex. We have had couples counselling which did help save the marriage but did not really resolve the bedroom issues.

I am fortunate to have largely grown out of the asthma but it is still triggered by pet allergies. I
I suffer with white coat fever and avoid doctors and dentists etc. sometimes to my own detriment.

Anyway – this is just the tip of the iceberg as the older I get the more I seem to remember.

I want to improve my relationships and deal with my issues to lead a more fulfilling life but I am not really sure where to start.

Can you recommend a good self help book or a particular form of therapy to help me move on?

Thanks

My experience of abuse is different than most others.
My mom experienced a lot of trauma of her own in her childhood, and in her escape after high school, she ran off to marry my dad who caused my mom to experience 27 years of emotional abuse before getting a divorce. Because emotional/mental abuse is so subtle of an issue, she couldn’t tell for so many years, and over time, she had subconsciously created a coping mechanism in which she found a great connection with another person, a man, which drove her into many issues that she must face. Not only did this cause divorce, but it also caused severe law issues, suicide issues for my mom, my younger brother was severely hurt considering he was friends with kids from the other family and had to drop boy scouts while he had to watch me attend girl scouts until it had depleted. My brother was very strong, and only two years younger than me, and he grew angry over the years, and he would take it out on me, especially with so little attention, but I was just old enough to know both of my parents wanted to die through this complicated situation, so I felt that I needed to remain strong for them.
I ended up coping the same way my mom did, subconsciously developing an ideal image in a forbidden person so that I may still feel emotions, and may still feel like things are okay because I had them. However, like any one-sided relationship, that blew up in my face, and that is what really allowed trauma to set in for me. I no longer had a foundation or a rock, and I was desperately waiting for the second I would move into my dorm room eight months later. In the eight months, I basically had so little regard for myself that I worked 40 hours a week during the rest of the school year and all the way into my college dorm. I would eat about 9 meals a week, barely one a day on some days, I was always tired, treating my body almost as a science experiment: how long and harsh of physical and emotional pain can a body experience before it completely shuts down?
Now that I have made it to college, I am slowly trying to let emotions in, but man, is it difficult. I struggle to find the right balance as I worry I will repeat the same mistakes again, and I have told myself that I don’t think I’d make it through it again. I am slowly opening up to people, and I know I can trust them even though I struggle so much, but it’s unbelievably difficult.

Today I am starting my journey toward healing from my past, I am seeing a PTSD therapist today with the hopes of starting EMDR therapy. I have repressed my emotions for over 20 years and its now causing issues in my adult life, especially communication in my marriage. I never get mad and I am starting to see that may not be entirely true, I have just internalized my anger for over 20 years and that is extremely unhealthy. I will try to explain my past trauma in the shortest version possible. When I was 7 I witnessed my Dad get stabbed, there was blood everywhere and I even remember the knife stuck in him with his guts hanging out. Good news, he survived! When I was 9 I found my mom dead in my home, I remember finding her in her bedroom face down and her body cold to the touch. My mom died from multiple drug toxicity. After that I moved in with my Dad, I wish I could say that was a good experience but it was not. He and my step mom were always fighting and she must have moved out and back in 20 times throughout my childhood. My dad would become depressed when she moved out and would drink heavily. One time he became very abusive and kicked and punched me. I dont believe my Dad knew how to love so I didnt have that strong emotional father figure growing up. Fast forward to today and my Dad is a lot different, him and I have a great relationship. I have also been married for 8 years and right now my marriage is struggling. I have decided that dealing with my past trauma is a necessary step in moving forward in my life and ultimately will allow me to be the best me as well as a better husband and a better father.

My dad was very sick for most of my childhood and died when I was 10. We were not well taken care of by my mother after this. She was very selfish and would put us down and stop any joy that came our way. She had a nervous breakdown and we ended up taking care of her. My oldest bother also became selfish and put me and my sister down and acted like we were second class citizens. I struggle now to feel any real joy or hope. I feel like damaged goods and I am sad for the childhood i lost. I struggle to feel safe or confident that I am ever good at anything. I have been in and out of therapy for a number of years but as I approach 30, and the sad feelings are still as strong as ever, I’m losing hope.

Hi, I’m not sure if I have PTSD or not. I have many symptoms of it, including flashbacks. My father was an alcoholic and may or may not have been physically or sexually abusive. He was emotionally abusive, at least towards my mother, I remember that. I can’t remember if he ever hit her in front of us. Since then, I have transitioned from female to Male, and have faced extreme verbal harassment over it. I have made 3 suicide attempts, and one was nearly successful. I alsmost died, yet another thing I get flashbacks about. I’m currently in and out of mental hospitals as I experience my first anniversary effect since the harrassment. I don’t know what to do. I’m also young, only twelve. What do you recommend? Does it sound like PTSD?

~Eli

i know this is an old article but i’m hoping someone is still replying to comments. i’m having trouble trying to figure out if i had childhood trauma or not. I dissociate a lot, and what i’ve been told is that dissociation is a protection mechanism developed in childhood in response to bad things happening. but i can’t remember anything bad happening to me and my parents are convinced i had a normal childhood. … i’m currently in trauma therapy from a different event and i’m hoping to work through everything. i experience a lot of the symptoms of having had childhood trauma but again, i don’t remember anything bad. is it possible to completely forget something like that? and then how would i ever know for sure if something traumatic happened to me? i’m having a lot of trouble and i’m scared of the possibility that something happened to me that i can’t remember. any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated

Hi I’m having some trouble here. Before the age of 8 my mother and father shared custody. Then it came out my father was sexually abusing my step sister and we were given to my mother. I remember things after that but my memories before are very few, maybe five total. I’m not sure if that is due to having it been such a big experience it mightve like shocked my conciousness into working more alert. Iv always had a very difficult time staying in the moment or retaining the things I see around me. As a kid I had a lot of trouble with the desire to misbehave and I knew things were wrong but had to go do them anyway, it was like the desire was irresistible. And looking back i can’t figure out why I was like that. I have substance abuse problems currently and have struggled with suicidal tendencies. Also, it’s hard to express what I feel. As well as quiet my feelings. Iv always wondered if my dad touched me too. I asked my mother and she said she would’ve known. That I wasn’t tearing heads off any Barbie dolls and that’s what I would’ve done if something like that had occured.

I recently have been trying to figure out if I am experiencing certain issues because of possible childhood trauma. However, if this is trauma I am still going through it bc of the fact I am only a teenager.

As far back as I can remember my mother and my grandmother were constantly fighting (physically and verbally). Between threatening to kill each other, throwing punches, pulling hair, etc. Naturally I became involved in all of this. I feel as if I was used as a pawn. When they were angry at each other each one would persuade me to stay with them during the argument, to the point where if I stuck around the my grandmother my mother would call me a bitch and retarded and useless. I have many memories of my mom telling me she should’ve had an abortion with me. I watched my mother get thrown across the house, ribs broken, knocked out, etc. After awhile we moved away and became homeless which created more physical events and continuous verbal abuse. My mother consistently had told me my father was evil and didn’t care about me or love me and was just trying to steal me away from her so he could hurt her. My father told me my mother was insane. My grandmother told me my father and mother were insane and that I should live with her instead, but continued to tell me I was going to grow up to be nothing, useless, a drug addict, in a gang, and pregnant at 13. Theres many more events and I don’t have time to go into depth about the ones I explained already and how they truly involved me, but I just want some answers

I believe I’ve handled it very well but in the past I had OCD and separation anxiety. Currently, when I’m involved in a romantic relationship or am with my mother I get nervous, anxious and cringe at being touched, I get very quiet and I get a strong need to just get away from the person. I’ve also noticed that I am very numb to things, like sometimes I feel as if nothing is real and I am dreaming

Self-diagnosed. Very evident though. Could not leave my mother’s side without crying and getting extremely stressed or anxious. With the OCD, I needed to say things a certain amount of times or else I felt my family would die, etc.

Hi, unsure if anyone is still answering the comments. Here goes, I hardly have any memories as a child.My parents split up when I was young. My father never expressed emotions to us children, only when he was drinking.He was an alcoholic . I know he loved us but couldn’t show us.I learned as an adult my mom had an affair that , was one if the factors of the split. The man she brought in our home, I hated him.He was disgusting always talking sexual and perverted .My mom had us all young and one after the other, she didn’t have great skills as a parent and raised us mostly on her own.We got spanked a lot, hair pulled , stuff thrown at us or hit by a stick, broom what ever she could get her hands on. My siblings left early on mid teens , I moved out as a teenager also.She caused a lot of sibling rivalry with my younger sister and I .We were surrounded by abuse within families around us. Although I don’t remember anything, I feel like something sexual happened to me in early childhood, or I witnessed something or heard something .Not sure if it had to do with my mothers bf. .To this day I cant open up sexually to partners , I seem to view relationships on a low vibrational sexual level, and choose men , that are broken and not right for me. One thing that sticks out for me is a recurring dream , about someone cutting off my toes, this dream would cause me to sleep walk everytime and literally try and get out of the house .Luckily I grew out of it .I’ve done a lot of self healing through the years and hoping to work on this issue ,and have been single for some time now. I need to overcome this, so I can move on to a lasting relationship and open myself fully and lovingly to my next partner. I thank you for any help or articles that can help me heal and over come this.

Hi um I’ve like gone through some trauma growing up, I was sexually abused, then witnessed the abuser on multiple occasions physically abuse my mother. We are no longer in that environment but he was still and is still heavily involved in our lives and his son, who raves about the man, he’s sexually abused me a second time, as growing up I thought the first was a messed up dream. I told people, police and all the necessary services got involved, but because a mistake in detail it was never taken further. He still sees my brother every other week, takes him on abroad holidays, and my mother wont let me tell him, as he doesn’t remember the physical abuse and doesn’t want to know anyway. I also had a major operation and have been through some other unpleasant stuff. But primarily I feel nothing, I don’t disassociate or anything, and sometimes when I get mad I feel like I’m getting mad because I feel I should be mad. I do cry a lot when I get told off but other then that I genuinely don’t feel any negative or upsetting emotions. I’ve looked everywhere and nowhere tells me if that’s normal or expected or not? I received 6 years later after a lot of trying but it wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be, I just don’t know why I’m not bothered by any of the horrible things.

wow, where to start….I am 59 yr old, and have lived with all of these symptoms my entire life. Well, except for the harm myself part. There have been times where I wish my life was over, but I have never thought about actually ending it if that makes any sense. Sad thing is, although my teenage years were tough, I cant remember exactly what happened to me at the younger age. Had everything to do with my grandfather, and when I think about him I have anxiety attacks still to this day. I hear his laugh in my mind and have anxiety. There used to be nightmares, but they have stopped, they always featured that laugh. Those nightmares were usually very similar, all involve a specific place, and all ended up waking me up in sweats. Life moved on from there, this tragedy, whatever it was, happened at a very young age. Fast forward to my teens. My sister got real sick, and it took all of my parents energy and focus. I guess I started acting out, long story short I ended up a run away at age 14. Never really patched things up with my siblings, and I keep people at a distance so it likely will never be like the Brady Bunch. Get along good with my parents, my father and I actually share the some of the same sad stories at the hands of his father. He has his own issues with anxiety and depression as well.
Not sure if I want to know what actually happened or not. I am pretty sure I know where it happened cause it was always in my dreams. It was a small building made out of old doors that was intended to be a smoke house for meats. It never made it that far, grand pop never smoked anything in that building.
What I do know is I am tired of this anxiety, distrust in everybody I meet, isolation, and above all pushing my incredibly understanding wife away. She understands me better than I do. She majored in psychology, and has basic understandings I guess.
How can the mind block out something like this? I want family to understand me, but I dont understand myself. Everybody is out to get me, people dislike me when they meet me before even getting to know me, I push everybody away because they will eventually blah blah blah…its all me, all of the time. I need to figure this out before I lose a very good wife.

I know this is an old article but I was wondering whether or not what I went through was trauma. at a young age, I was around 6, a cousin of mine, 2 years older than me, female, masturbated in front of me. I was very confused and never told anyone about it. then that same cousin, 4 years later, exposed me to porn and asked if I wanted to try it with her and once again, I was very confused and felt unsafe. I don’t know if this constitutes as trauma or not but unfortunately, I think about it everyday and wonder how she robbed me of my innocence and how better off I’d be if she never exposed me to those things at such young ages. I’d just really like to know.

This probably wont get a reply because this article is almost 5 years old, but I’m not sure if I have childhood trauma. When I was younger both of my parents had to work so most of the time, I was at daycare but eventually they took me out because I got bullied. Since I was too young for them to just leave me at home or go to school, my mom took me with her to work. Everytime she went on her lunch break, she would pick up the guy she was having an affair with while I was in the backseat. Anytime they did this they would either go to the guys house or ours. I remember being alone in the living room while they were in another. Also my mom told me his name was boots, because at the time I loved to watch Dora the explorer, so if I told anyone they would think my imagination was running wild and think it’s made up. It took me years to realize that. Sometimes it pops in my head and and I get so mad at my mom but then I realize my father did worse. My father also had an affair but with my mom’s cousin (this was before my mom had an affair). After a while we didnt talk to that side of the family, but it made me sad at the time because that means I didnt have any cousins that were around my age range to hang out with. (It was either new born babies or high schoolers.) My parents used to fight alot. Sometimes it would be so bad that my older brother would take me into his room and try to distract me with a cartoon we both liked (he’s 8 years older than me). When my brother learned how to drive, he would just take me somewhere else, but theres one time when he put me in his car but my dad was so angry and tried to make us stay. There were many times that me my mom and my brother would stay other places like my grandma’s or motels. And no, the fights weren’t just about the cheating, it was also about my dad being an alcoholic. Everyone says he has a drinking problem because of his brother’s death, but I have memories of him drinking alot before his brother passed away. He has had many DWI’s, but that hasnt stopped him from drinking. He still drinks to this day. If I’m honest I get really embarrassed when he gets like that, because with my dad he either drinks so much and ends the night with an argument with my mom or doesnt drink at all. That’s how it is everytime. Also when I was talking to an older cousin about how I tend to bottle up my emotions and see crying as a weakness, she helped me realize it’s because of my parents. Anytime I would cry they would get mad at me and tell me just stop crying or say that I’m wasting my tears and that I can use them on something else. But I was just a child.
Sorry, I know this is a bit long. It’s just that I’ve never talked about this part of me. In a way I’m looking for some kind of help but I don’t even know what kind. Also I’m 16 so its probably not childhood trauma but maybe it’s why I have bad anxiety and have mini breakdowns when handling stressful situations.

During the majority of my childhood, my mother was an alcoholic. She was verbally and physically abusive towards me, I had a young sister at the time but she was too young to remember much of it thankfully. I also had a stepfather who was verbally abusive in the house, occasionally physically abusive as well. But not as much as my mother was. To make matters worse, I was homeschooled until high school and therefore had no interaction with many of my peers or had a respite from the abuse. Due to this I had a late start on my education upon entering high school because I was barely taught anything during my time home schooling. Mom being drunk most of the time and I would do anything to avoid being around her which would include learning. Due to this lack of education I was then bullied and I honestly thought that I was stupid. I had to move out of my house and live with my girlfriend and her parents at the time because it had gotten so bad my junior year. I then lived by myself my senior year. I am a 23 year old male now and have noticed many things in my life that are not normal, I have felt extreme loneliness for many years of my adult life even though I have almost always had a steady girlfriend. I have wanted to end it all numerous times as well throughout my adult life, feelings of worthlessness, despair, anger, etc. If it wasn’t for my dog and my general love of animals I doubt I would have made it this far. I believe I have an alcohol problem because of a combination of social anxiety and probably other factors that I have not figured out yet. I want to deal with my issues in life and overcome my trauma in order to be normal. I have trouble trusting others and when I read through this list of signs and symptoms I was pretty much able to identify every one of them in my life. I want to stop being angry.

This is the first I am every writing this or saying out “loud to anyone. Firstly, thank you for your article, secondly I have been having allot of issues lately with my mental health after having children myself and dealing with a bit of post natal issues and possible hormone imbalance, I am seeking help for this.
Since dealing with all of this I have had some memories of my childhood resurface and only one or two times from memory my brother forced himself up against me an sexually assaulted me, I always had my clothes on however I feel like I have blacked out that this may have happened more than the times I remember. Does this sound like something that you would repress and try not to remember? I am was planning on bringing it up with the psychologist. I have always ever since I can remember had intimacy issues and sometimes get a little jumping when being touched even by my Husband and we have been together for over a decade. Some advise around this would be great.

I had a traumatic experience in my childhood almost a decade ago. At that time, it did not really affect me since I was able to block it out for a while, but lately the memories are resurfacing and they can be so vivid and distressing at times. I read your article and the bit about knowing that it’s not your fault struck me in particular, because for too long now, I have not been able to forgive myself. When I shared my experience with someone (one of my closest friends) for the first time, I was surprised that they couldn’t feel my guilt and shame, but rather expressed their sympathies with me and told me that what had happened was not my fault. I still struggle with these mixed emotions. Even though that person had hurt me physically, I as still not able to stop blaming myself for it. Some help regarding this would be great.

hi i’m lamar, and i’m 16. i don’t know what it is exactly that i’m going through, if i’m overreacting and it’s all in my head or not. so can you pls help? i’ve been bullied as a kid when i never knew what “bullying” was. i thought i was all the things they said because why would my classmates lie to me. that’s what my mother said when i tried to asking her for help. she’d always brush me off and shut me down i stopped telling her anything. and that’s how i ended up bottling my emotions, and being the worst at expressing them. my parents have always been emotionally distanced, set high standards for me, and put me down for my bad social skills and life. lastly, my parents were on the verge of divorcement this year, and that’s when my mother finally realised that my father and his side of the family are super toxic and do things that i can’t even describe. i’ve always told myself that it was all good and to not let anything get to me but that’s not possible. so now i’m trying to understand what’s going on with me and i think i’m doing good so far? idk but can you please tell me if it’s gonna be alright to self medicate or whatever? because i can’t seek professional help just yet. i’m not ready to open up nor get criticised by my so called family. sorry this is long btw.

My name is Ramon, I can think far back as the age of 3. My life was pretty good, I had both my parents and I had a little brother who was 3 years younger than me. I remember seeing my life through a child’s perspective, you know the usual going to grandmas house, watching movies with my family, playing with my brother, my parents were together for some time and then at some point they weren’t together anymore. There would be moments my mom wouldn’t let me see my dad, and there’d be moments my dad would say he’s going to pick me up but he wouldn’t . It got so bad where he would say he was going to pick me up I just wouldn’t want to go or I wouldn’t get my hopes up. (at 4 years old) Eventually my brother and I would go to his house on the weekends every now and again. Things were wonderful for a while, I loved spending time with him, like any kid would because he’s my dad. One weekend we go over to his house, it’s like any other weekend, we watch tv, eat , play playstation etc etc. My dad gets my brother and I ready for bed and we fall asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night and I see my dad getting dressed to go somewhere and I see him open the door and walk out. I wanted to get up and tell him not to go, but I didn’t I just went back to sleep. I wake up to my mom shaking me softly telling me “hey mijo wake up we need to go”. She looks upset and gets my brother and I ready. We drive to my grandmas, walk inside, I see my uncle and grandma sitting, my mom sits down and gets to my level, looks me in my eyes, tears start to roll down her face as she proceeds to tell me ” Mijo your dad passed away”. I didn’t cry, I didn’t shout, I didn’t do anything, I didn’t even know what death was. A week later it’s the funeral and I see a box with my dad in it, I see all of my family, we sit front row and I’m just sitting there like “what is going on?” I hear people crying, I feel the energy and it just feels weird. It comes time where everyone is saying their final goodbyes to my dad,a few people go then its our turn to say goodbye. My mom tells me to tell my dad goodbye, and I tell her why? She answers “he’s going to sleep mijo” I look at him and yell that’s not my dad. I ran out of the funeral home. I am not sure who gets me to come back inside but someone does and we walk down the aisle again. I go up to the casket and try to wake my dad up, I felt like he was upset with me, or that he was ignoring me because he had such a serious face on. I was 5, I was barely learning how to read and spell, now add on my dads death. As the years went by I struggled with my emotions, I spoke less, I seen my mother struggle to be a single parent, I was reminded of my dad every time I looked at my brother, while my brother doesn’t even remember who he is, when I went over to my dads families house my grandmother would introduce my brother and I as her grandsons of her son that died(constantly getting reminded that he’s gone and he’s not coming back) also learning as I got older that my dad was murdered from hearing stories around me about his death. He was shot 8 times in the back and once in the back of the head. He died a month before his 22nd birthday . I remember being a kid and crying because I was so scared to die. I feared death so much but I didn’t even know what true fear was, I was still growing and experiencing. After my dad died my life starting being a battle of keeping myself distracted that my dad was gone. Fast forward I am now 22 years young, an accomplishment that my dad didn’t make it to. I realize my dads death affected a majority of my life because I didn’t have the proper tools to heal it, but then I think what really are the proper tools? its still painful to experience. Maybe therapy would have helped, while knows. I held my sadness, and anger in for 16 years. I never gave myself time to grieve or cry about the situation so I would find myself having tantrums or breakdowns at the most random time (still not understanding why Im feeling this way) until March 1,2020. This is when I began healing my psyche and soul. I took an 8th of shrooms, and experienced ego death for the first time. Many people may find it crazy to think about the universe and soul but its given me so much love and healing for myself. The medicine helped me face my dads funeral at 21 years old(it was still difficult despite my age) I grabbed my 5 year old selfs hand and we both walked up to that casket together, we cried together, we shouted together and we eventually came out wiser and stronger together. I got a lot of closure when I experienced ego death. God, the universe and my dad helped me grieve that night. Since that night I’ve been on a spiritual journey getting back to my original self before life got a hold of me with meditating, diving deeper into my mind and soul, a little psychedelics and a whole lot of love from the universe and god. (Many have mix feelings about psychedelic drugs but it helped me. I can only speak on my experiences. I do them with intent to heal myself but I am also aware to not be dependent on this medicine because the healing came from myself, the medicine just gave me a little push) I love myself again, I know my dad is proud of how far I’ve come because I am proud of how far I’ve come. I still struggle with my anxiety, anger and depression BUT I can finally say Im getting THROUGH it!! I came out of the darkness and I am swimming in the light. I have accepted my past, and in doing that I have become whole again! I know there will be more trials and tribulations ahead, and its okay IM READY for it, life built a warrior and I’ve come too far to turn back now. Im sorry for this rant, I didn’t expect it to be this long. Thank you for reading

Hello, I don’t know if I’m ever going to receive a reply but I was really hoping to get answers, I’ve been asking myself this question for 2 years already. I stumbled on this article since I was searching about ways on how to confirm if I had experienced childhood trauma or if it’s all just in my head. I’m currently 16 and I’ve been struggling with my mental health since 8th grade. I didn’t expect it at all but it just happened, I wasn’t clinically diagnosed but I do believe I became depressed when I was 14, I was suicidal as well. During those difficult times, I started to become desperate for answers since I was in denial that my life felt like it was falling apart right in front of me. I researched a lot and talked to my friends about mental health while I was recovering on my own, the topics like depression, suicide and trauma were the ones I encountered the most. Ever since that time, I started to doubt my own memories of my blissful and “perfect childhood” although I was aware that sad things happened, I always pictured my childhood to be a safe haven as I grew older. However, lately I found myself getting triggered emotionally and I don’t even know what’s causing them or why I suddenly have breakdowns. I have blurry childhood memories and my mother told me it was completely normal to forget most of our childhood and I believed that my entire life, it just gets suspicious when I recently found out I couldn’t remember anything from 2nd grade. This made me feel upset and anxious, I heard from a friend that trauma causes repressed memories and now I’m constantly having intrusive thoughts and feelings about if I truly know who I am and if something bad happened when I was little.

All I remember is being sick while my aunt, who I considered as my mother, decided to leave to work abroad. I think my trauma is about abandonment since it was also pretty common that my family punished me by leaving me locked up, or hitting me, starving me or just suddenly being left alone without any warning. There are plenty more I could say but I think it’s best to keep them privately. I’m planning to get therapy once I move out from our house but I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do or if I actually have unresolved childhood trauma…

Hey, I don’t know if you still reply but I’m not sure if I experienced it and I want to learn if I did or not. I think the problem is both my mom and dad. My mom is actually a really loving, extroverted person. It’s just sometimes she can overreact to me or not give importance to how I feel and be harsh on me. When I tell her that I have anxiety or maybe I should see a therapist, she always says that I’m normal and I’m overreacting and making myself sad because of no reason. She doesn’t know that I cry almost every night. And eventhough when she catches me crying she thinks that I’m just making stuff by myself. And coming to my dad, he’s a real loving person too, he’s just a bit introverted. He’s a lawyer and he’s so hardworking. When I was little I would adore him and his point of seeing the world. But the older I got (by the way I’m 18 now) I realized that he has so many insecurities and he kind of reflected these on me. He would always tell me to work hard, be successful, not spend money unnecessarily, and spend time on working instead of getting caught up in relationships. And I did it. I did what he said. I finished high school with a great degree and now I’m going to medical school. But because I mostly spent my time on classes, I now realize that my social skills are lacking. I became exactly like my dad. I can’t say that it’s his fault, or blame him because I don’t think he told me anything wrong. And besides he has some anger issues, because he’s a perfectionist. And he’s also stingy and strict. He always tells me to stay home and study instead of hanging out with my friends. And he always asks about who I hang out with, how much money I spend etc. I feel like he’s the main reason why I became kind of introverted and lack self esteem. Sometimes I can’t find the courage to meet new people or go to group organizations and prefer to stay home. I know that they both love me and try to do their best, but I’m not sure about if their parenting style is the best. I see my friends with parents who are more open minded and let them be more free. And I see that they are happier and more extroverted and more confident. I wish I could be like that too. Thank you for reading this far, I’m looking forward for your reply. (also english is my second language so I’m sorry if my grammar is bad 🙂

Heya, don’t know if you’re still replying but i just wanted to get this out. I’ve struggled with a lot of trauma in my life such as the worst thing to happen to me, when my dog had killed my neighbor’s pet chihuahua when I was 8. Also experiencing a lot of times I was yelled at by my parents, along with being abandoned and lied to by my ex friends, even the time I was beat up but a friend and had gotten a rumor spread about me right after and so on. Only now i’ve realized how all of these have affected me, especially when I was yelled at by my parents. I still live with them as I am to young to move out yet. but i’ve realized when they would yell at me for everything, even for little mistakes that it wasn’t normal. I grew up yelling when I got mad at little things like my father would. When my dog was put down for what happened the yelling got worse and my mother was now yelling at me. The worst experience I had was when I had broken my bluetooth speaker I got to listen to music at night and I told my dad it wasnt charging, he yelled at me and I was almost unfazed as I was used to it, reminder I was 9 at this time. then my mom came into my room and when she saw the speaker she started to also yell at me, which evolved into screaming. My mom barely ever yelled at me and it caught me so off guard that I started sobbing. She said things like “You break f*cking everything” and “You only care about yourself, you’re so f*cking selfish”. Which cause my sobbing to become a panic attack. I had anxiety and panic attacks all the time when I was younger, most of the time mostly because I had been yelled at for something. They became less frequent as I got older since I again was used to being yelled at. but this caught me so off guard, and caused maybe the worst panic attack i’ve ever experienced to this day. I was terrified, and I could never forgive my mom after that day. I know it wasn’t her fault or my dad’s fault, but now I can’t trust her, or my father. I know they’re suffering too and they were only trying to be better than their parents. but again my dad caused my anger issues and my mother caused my trust issues and tendency to keep things to myself, actually both of them caused me to keep things to myself out of fear of being yelled at again. I’ve only recently started talking to my therapist about this and i’ve gotten the help i’ve needed, i’m grateful that my parents helped me with my depression. I just wish my parents would get help and would understand. I am still legally a child, so I’m still dealing with the yelling to this day. Wish I could tell my parents this all but I’m unable to. I still love them, but it just hurts.
(excuse my grammar, I’m bad at spelling still.)

Hey, I recently got an email link after signing up to this page and I was wondering if you could help me please.
When I was six, I lost my mum to cancer and I don’t really remember much other than my dad trying to be there for my brother and I but not quite being believable about it. I remember thinking there was something wrong but I didn’t know how to help because I was six. Because of this, I wanted to do really well in school because I wanted to do something that would making him happier. However now, he didn’t realise what I was trying to do, and so I live under a constant pressure to do well and it’s quite draining and sometimes scary when I don’t do well.
After a couple of years living on benefits (which my dad managed to still make ok) he started dating again, but the women he dated were incredibly nice to my brother but horrible to me. I now think that this was because he was five or six and I was seven or eight, so he naturally would have been the favourite, but I’m not sure. My dad has married my stepmum who was nice to me for the first few months but seems to absolutely detest me now. I used to think it was because I was bisexual, but that was three years ago I came out and have now learned to hide it. She often shouts at me and then shouts at me for being upset about it. My dad and I half had a talk about it, because I was literally screamed at to leave the house after it being originally a joke, but both him and my stepmum still shout at me for everything, including things my brother has done that I had nothing to do with. My dad can get really quite scary when he shouts but has never physically hurt me, so I’ve never had cause to try and get help.
I still live at home because I’m only fourteen going on fifteen, but I don’t talk about this to my parents, only my boyfriend, who has helped massively but understands and still worries when I ‘zone out’: have random floods of memories that I can’t control and often upset me. They are often a strange mix of both happy and sad memories, and are triggered by almost anything, unless I have already been triggered by it, if that makes sense. We have found a way to try and control it, but after reading this page I was wondering if there was anything else I could do to try and help both him and myself.

Today marks the 3rd anniversary since my mother’s death. I feel it is good to share to encourage others. My mother had a bad relationship with my father for as a long as I can recall. She hurled insults at him and did not care the children were listening. I do not clearly remember my childhood, flashes here and there remind me of having to take up household chores at an early age being the eldest girl. My mum was always gloomy towards the opening of schools and when I look back, I realise it was because she did not want to contribute to the school budget and left the burden to my dad. Fast forward she refused to attend my graduation, swore not to walk me down the aisle and wished really bad things on my family. At one point I decided to see a therapist who asked me “is this your biological mother you are talking about”. Yes it is, there are mums from hell. Through therapy I was able to deal with the wounds and managed to visit her before she died and told her I had forgiven her for all she had done to me. That was the greatest moment in my relationship with mum since her response shocked me “we need to forgive each other since at times we do things to others unknowingly” What? You did not know you were hurting me? She passed on about 3 months after this conversation. During this 3rd anniversary, I am at peace knowing that I forgave her and I know I have the power to treat my spouse and children differently. I am not defined by my past. Amen

I forgot to add to my previous comment that I also have always been good as dissociating and disconnecting with the real world. For as long as I can remember I have had whole worlds in my head full of people and places that make me comfortable and feel safe. It is usually from movies, shows, and books that I made over in my head as me in the center of them all. I can space out for hours, sometimes days if I am having a particularly hard time in the real world. I will make things in the real world relate to my fictional worlds, dress up, pace around, etc.

I forgot to add, that i do not understand my daddy, bc after he does all this to me, he says he’s sorry, and that he loves me, but he does it over and over

Right, so I lost my father to cancer when I was 8, had an emotionally distant mother, and what I later defined as an emotionally abusive stepfather. Teachers were horrible to me and so were most of my peers, but here’s the kicker.

I do not recall feeling traumatized, by any of this. Its not only that I don’t recall feeling that way but I know I didn’t.

But all the signs and personality problems related to trauma surely did appear in my life.

I don’t remember feeling anguish when my father died but just recently looking through old photos I found a school picture of me the year he died and the kid I saw in that picture certainly did look like he was in pain. But he masked it over with a fake smile and expressionless eyes. A look that has followed me through life and I hate it. My key issue is I know I went through a nightmare but why did I not feel like it at the time. The only tangible bad feeling I recall is terror, but not hurt. It was like I just didn’t care, but I really care and feel for it now. It’s just a mess. And now I’m 40, can’t get close to anyone have no desire to and have become content with being completely alone. That’s set in stone and a lifestyle now. I just want to know what the disconnect is here. I don’t understand why I did not feel pain then.