Impulsivity – When You Just Can’t Stop Yourself And It’s Ruining Everything
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
August 8, 2020
By: DeptfordJon
by Andrea M. Darcy
We all know children who seem to lack the ability to think before they act.
But adults can suffer from impulsivity too. It might be hidden behind your good social skills or even closed doors.
But if you have a tendency to be too impulsive, it can sabotage your relationships, affect your career, and even endanger your physical health.
What is impulsivity?
In psychology, impulsivity refers to a personality trait that leaves you prone to acting on your impulses, over thinking things through and considering the consequences.
This means you have a tendency to make rash decisions, and say things you wish you hadn’t. You might also indulge in risky behaviours.
You don’t have to come across as wild and thoughtless to have a problem with impulsivity.
Often those with impulsivity problems can seem fine in many areas of life, and holding down a job while having many friends.
Their capacity to make quick choices, if the results end up okay, can even make them appear to be bold, exciting, and unconventional. Or in some cases very successful.
But their impulsive nature will be wreaking havoc in some part of their life, even if it is behind closed doors. This could be their intimate relationships, finances, and substance habits, including overeating.
Not sure if you suffer from impulsivity?
By: Art Comments
There are several different tests psychologists and mental health professionals can use to diagnose impulsivity. The tests vary slightly, but in general they look at things like looking at:
Your habits of attention.
Do you:
- move from one thing to the next, easily distracted?
- find yourself squirming in things like lectures or performances?
Your ways of taking action.
- Are you a ‘spur of the moment’ sort?
Your planning skills.
Do you:
- plan things like holidays and nights out in advance or ‘wing it’?
- map out your work day or are you ad hoc?
- save money or spend without thinking too much?
Your self-control.
Do you:
- say things you don’t mean?
- do things like rush across streets without being sure it’s safe?
- have difficulty controlling eating and drinking habits?
Your ability to be consistent.
- can you finish projects?
- do you stick out things like relationships and study courses?
- do you tend to move house or change jobs often?
- are you starting new hobbies all the time?
The way your brain thinks.
- do your thoughts race about from one thing to the next?
Your ways of rationalising and making decisions.
- do you make decisions really quickly?
- do you throw in the towel out of the blue?
Why am I so impulsive?
Genetics are being looked at as one of the causes. Neurobiologists are finding that the trait of impulsivity is connected to exact regions of the brain, especially the prefrontal cortex.
By: darkday
But there is a strong environmental factor when it comes to impulsivity. Childhood trauma is now realised to affect the growth of the brain. And many people who experienced trauma suffer from impulsivity as adults.
One study on borderline personality disorder, which has impulsivity as one of its main symptoms, found that 81%of subjects had experienced a trauma. 71% reported physical abuse, 68% reported sexual abuse, and 62% reporting witnessing serious domestic violence.
It’s also possible to develop impulsivity after a brain injury, or damage to your brain from something like a neurodegenerative illness.
Impulsivity and relationships
Impulsivity can be highly damaging to your personal relationships.
It can trigger you to say things without thinking, hurting and pushing away the ones you love who might find your behaviour baffling and hard to accept. This can leave you very lonely, and suffering from feelings of low self-worth and shame.
A pattern of pushing and pulling is often acted out by sufferers of impulsivity, especially if they suffer from borderline personality disorder. Your impulsive behaviours can cause you enough shame you run away, then are left to fight to gain back the attention of the person you love.
Impulsivity might even be behind making poor choices in partners. You’ll choose those who you feel will ‘put up with you’ over those who you actually feel a connection with. And this can in the long term lead to more loneliness as well as depression.
Impulsivity in the work place
At work impulsivity can cause tensions with colleagues, after you say the wrong thing yet again and ‘ruffle feathers’. Over time this can lead to being unpopular and feeling misunderstood. This in turn can lead to dreading work and suffering stress and anxiety.
For some with impulsivity issues there are far bigger problems at work. You might find yourself suddenly quitting a big job over one rude email, only to later regret it. Or even being fired if your impulsivity has you go against company protocol or upsetting valued clients. In the long-term this can mean you are either often unemployed, or left in positions that are beneath your potential but involve less interaction with others.
Related mental health conditions
By: Derek Gavey
Related mental health conditions that have impulsivity as a symptom include:
- Adult ADHD
- borderline personality disorder
- Overeating
- Substance abuse
- Gambling addiction
- Sex addiction
- Antisocial personality disorder
- Bipolar disorder
- Internet addiction
- Shopping addiction.
What should I do if I suffer from impulsivity?
The very nature of impulsivity, lack of control and thought, means just ‘deciding’ to change would be unlikely to be effective.
To get your impulsivity under control and stop sabotaging good things it’s recommended to find support, such as the help of a professional psychotherapist. Several treatments psychotherapeutic treatments have been found to be effective for impulsivity.
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) helps train your mind to think in less dramatic ways, which helps you to be less overreactive and make better choices for yourself.
Mindfulness is a practise of learning to notice how you are feeling and thinking as it happens. It has been found to be very helpful in impulsivity related to borderline personality disorder. One study found that participants no longer matched a diagnosis of the disorder after being treated with mindfulness.
Dialectic behavioural therapy (DIT) combines both cognitive therapy, mindfulness, and other things like metaphorical thinking. It was designed especially to help with impulsivity.
Do you have a question about your impulsiveness we didn’t answer? Ask below.
Andrea M. Darcy is the founding editor of this site. A popular mental health writer, she also coaches people on how to find a therapist. Diagnosed with ADHD when young, she knows a thing or two about impulsivity!
Pkease could you tell me if their are any weekly support groups for impulsive behaviour in South West London?
Hi Jane, unfortunately we don’t handle information like that, we’d suggest you call your council or your local chapter of MIND charity and ask there. Good luck!
All the things you talk of are included in the Co- dependent characteristics of Co-Dependents Anonymous. Abuse is often unpredictable and impulsive and leads to these characteristics which are healed in recovery. Too little is mentioned about codependency as the source of problems. Anyone guess why this Is?
We disagree with you there, we talk about codependency constantly and think many people do. But on the other hand it can be taken for granted as we largely live in a codependent society where we are encouraged to find our esteem outside ourselves. We wouldn’t say, though, that impulsivity is always related to codependency. It can also be related to ADHD, which doesn’t need to involve codependency. Although in the cases it is connected to BPD, then yes, there is often a strong codependent cycle.
How about saying “NO” constantly out of impulse? I mean, in relationships with others, be they family/relatives or otherwise, whenever they propose something, such as inviting you on holiday outings, inviting you to be a part of what they enjoy doing, but every time they do this, you simply say “NO” and continually say it even when they continue to encourage you. This is a problem that I have had for a long time. Yes, I still have trust issues as a result of being abused physically, emotionally and even sexually. I would like to stop, but feel that I can’t. It’s just that saying “NO” is/becomes the easiest thing to say rather than “YES”, which I wanted to say, but “NO” always kept coming out rather than “YES”.
I don’t know if this was brought up in this particular article, but thought “d bring this up. Thanks in advance for any answers to this.
Hi Frank, it’s not in this article, but it’s certainly a real issue worth looking into. The wonderful thing is that you aware of its root. Have you worked with a therapist about your abusive past and looked at ways to develop your capacity to trust yourself? Because yes, abuse destroys our trust for others, but the real issue is that it often destroys our trust in ourselves. We become indecisive because we don’t even trust ourselves to make good decisions. It is not something that is going to change overnight, but with the right support and small steps huge progress can be made. Start by trying to find any and all ways you do trust yourself to make good decisions – even things like, do you trust yourself to feed yourself, get some sleep? You might want to start making a goal each day for one tiny way you’ll take care of yourself. Another idea is to start writing down all the times you make decisions, however small. This gives you proof that you can trust yourself to decide and starts to counteract the deep hidden core belief of “I can’t trust myself”. Hope that helps.
Is there ever an act of impulsivity NOT preceded by a thought?
Hi James, so scientifically, who knows? When someone thinks they have a thought vs when the brain actually has it is really not something we can measure perfectly. Some research indeed seems to show that the brain makes decisions before we are consciously aware, but the research has flaws. But those who suffer impulsivity would generally say that their acts of impulsivity are never preceded by thought, or happen at the same time.
I am emotionally unstable, I break in and out of relationships without thinking, I say things and regret, I can’t control my emotions which is the worst part and that makes me a good infidele
Hi yeye, that sounds tough. You might want to look into emotional dsyregulation and also borderline personality disorder. Try not to blame yourself. Often these behaviours go back to childhood.Somehow we learned that these behaviours would protect us, and maybe they did when we were a child. The trouble is they no longer work when we are adults. But the good news is that therapy can help! As for your other comment on where to find help, google ‘counselling’ along with your post code or city, or ‘psychotherapist’ in the same way. If you want to do therapy over online you can consider a therapist who lives in another country – our booking platform is here https://harleytherapy.com/. We wish you courage and luck!
I have BPD, CPTSD, MDD and also suffer from anxiety and occasional psychosis, a very traumatic childhood anyway. I am trying desperately to repair myself before I lose my family. My impulsive behaviour is my worst trait. I have handed over all control of money and decision making to my husband, as per advice from my psychologist. It’s driving me insane. I feel like a child ready to through a tantrum every 5 mins. I’m starting to become more reckless with myself. Self harming nearly daily and I chopped all my hair off and shaved one side of my head (obviously hugely regretful). I feel controlled, weak and childlike and it’s something I just can’t stop. Is my impulsiveness going to continue to find ways of coming out?
Hi Jacqui, we are rather curious about this idea that passing over all control to your husband is the answer. What kind of psychologist is this? What kind of therapy are you doing? With this level of impulsivity, then you’d really need to be doing schema therapy or even better dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT). They are designed for people with BPD (the creator of DBT even had BPD herself). DBT has a huge success rate and is life changing for many. Other kinds of therapy can backfire, you see, particularly with c-PTSD. Things like endlessly talking about the past can put you in constant trigger mode and is the worst thing. One more therapy that can help here is CBT, a short-term therapy, that doesn’t dive into the past but helps you stabilise your thinking. It’s just that from what you are saying making you live like a child is obviously making you act out, which is not helpful at all. And we’d also say, did your psychologist ask your view on this idea, of not making any decisions for yourself? Did you discuss how it made you felt, are you constantly discussing the results of it and how to troubleshoot this so it works for you instead of against you? We certainly hope so. You are a grown woman, not a child, and any mental health practitioner should treat you like one.
My problem and question deals with impulsive behaviour and isolation. With other people in the room I can usually make better choices and limit my negative behaviour. Yet when alone I struggle. I am sure this is common to many people.
I have suffered from depression for between 15-20 years, I am open about it with people it is not hidden and many people are sympathetic. However, I do not live near family or close long term friends and my depression and social isolation mean that I have very few, if any, close friends where I live. My finances are very tight, I am not in debt thankfully, but it always costs something to socialise, even if it is just the cost of a cup of something. Consequently it is not unusual for me to spend long periods alone (a week without a conversation is not unusual). And it is this isolation which makes space for impulsive behaviour and bad choices.
The chance of me suddenly making new friends is limited and I cannot see a way to break my negative behaviour patterns. I do all the things I can to expand my support base, I do volunteer work, I take evening courses whenever I can, I have joined a reading group etc. But the contacts I make are temporary and transitory, the length of the course etc, and my depression makes me awkward around people which leads to further difficulties in making friendships. So I am stuck in a circle of isolation and negative impulsive behaviour that I don’t know how to break.
Making plans and attempts to stop my poor decisions alone using my own brain feels a little like telling someone with a broken leg to fix it by walking on it.
I have tried numerous types of therapy and numerous drug regimes, but I have not yet found anything to shift it.
I know what I am going to do is foolish, I know that it will lead to negative feelings, but I I cannot stop my behaviour.
As my depression gets worse in the evening, when I am more likely to be alone my negativity compounds the difficulties.
Any suggestions?
Hi Ian, it’s hard for us to say too much as you are not saying what the negative behaviour is. So we are not sure if you are being remarkably hard and critical on yourself here, or even if the negative behaviour is even an addiction which you need to accept as such and get help with, as addictions are very hard to control alone. The other thing we are noticing here is that there is a lack of emotion here, a real tightness and clinical tone, and we are wondering if this is significant, if you approach life this way. To connect with others we need to show up as we really are, even if that is sad or uncertain, otherwise people can feel shut out… if we are completely compartmentalised than others can’t connect. Of course for some people this is their natural way of being, such as someone having a brain that could be called ‘Asperger’s'(not saying this is you, we don’t know you, just as an example) then it becomes about learning ways of relating that others can connect to. We think you should be very proud of yourself for all this effort, it shows you are a resilient and courageous person. And you are obviously very intelligent. But as you are aware, your system is not working.You say you have tried numerous types of therapy. What types? For how long did you attend sessions? Did you actually like the therapist? Did you focus on relating? And trying new ways of relating? There are many types of therapy that focus just on relating. In summary, we need more information.
I suffer from impulsivity by making choices I know might affect me poorly in the long run but sometimes I feel like I won’t get those consequences because I’m the person who thinks “it won’t be me” until it just is. I moved out with a boyfriend who I thought loved me and things didn’t work out so I moved back in with my parents and now a year later here iam about to make the same mistake. Sometimes I don’t know why I do these things. I haven’t had any childhood truama as my parents raised me together in a very traditional household so I don’t understand why I have these issues. I’ve suffered with this problem since I was 13 years old along with depression and was diagnosed by a doctor with borderline personality traits. Iam now 20 years old and although my depression has gotten a lot better since I have stopped taking all these unessacary medications, I still make these rash choices that in the long run leave me upset when I know it will. It’s like I’m sending myself on a path to destruction and I couldn’t figure out how to stop it. Any suggestions would
Hi Julia, we think you might find our article on self sabotage interesting. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/self-sabotage.htm It discusses how childhood can lead us to self-sabotage, and many of the reasons are not trauma. We were wondering, though, did this doctor just give you meds and not talk therapy? That’s very upsetting to us if so, and we’d imagine you are in America. As meds only mask symptoms, they don’t get to the root of the issue. Just because a household was traditional and there was no big trauma does not mean things didn’t happen that were upsetting for your child self. Often our conscious brain hides these things deeply in our unconscious as a form of self-protection. But if you have patterns of self-sabotage, depression… then there are things that need to be bought to light and healed. You can’t discover these things overnight, let alone over a comment box. It requires a commitment to an ongoing process of self discovery, preferably with a talk therapist you feel you can trust. You are young, and such impulsive behaviours could also be you discovering who you are as an individual and rebelling against your traditional upbringing. Mistakes are also normal as we figure out who we are, so judging yourself harshly maybe isn’t fair (who did you learn that from, to judge yourself?). In fact why see it as mistakes at all? You are learning about relating, and we all get it wrong sometimes. Perhaps certain symptoms might even lessen when you finally gain your independence from your parents entirely, and develop your own personality fully. But support could only help. Best, HT
I suffer from impulsivity as well. I’m in counseling and I’ve been diagnosed with DID, PTSD, Bipolar type 1, social anxiety, major depression. I haven’t been to counseling in a few months because I moved to a different county and I couldnt stay where I was and I haven’t found a new therapist I actually like. Anyway, I’m just learning about all this stuff and myself more and more everyday, but the one thing that gets to me is why do impulsively do things that I know deep down will either hurt myself, or someone else. For example, I have gotten into a car with someone I met once so I didnt even know him and I have my boyfriend crying to me to come back. I wanted to go back so bad but I couldnt. I hear his voice in my head to this day. I live with the guilt everyday and I hate myself for it. It wasnt because of any sexual addiction nothing like that happened. I just want to know why I do things like that. Knowing I’m going to regret it amd hate myself even more and I’m going to feel the guilt forever. It’s not just that incident either that has happened but things I’ve done that hurt him or others. How can I stop stuff like that from happening? I dont like hurting anyone and sometimes it hurts me more then them but I want it to stop. Anything would be helpful at this point. Thank you.
Hi Wendy, gosh that’s an awful lot of diagnosing, we hope at least one of the mental health practitioners also took the time to point out all that is right with you, all that you are outside of a diagnosis. Always remember that you are more than a diagnosis. Impulsivity can be connected to trauma and to low self-esteem. It’s an endless self sabotage. It can help to work on recognising and changing your core beliefs. Use the search bar to find our articles on core beliefs, they might help. Otherwise, it is a good idea to try a therapy that works just for things like impulsivity. Dialectical behaviour therapy, CBT, and Schema therapy are things to look into. Best, HT.
I separated from my husband on impulse, moved out of the district without thinking it through and went on a shopping spree with no money, and realisation has hit me this year, what I have done, my sons are not talking to me. Have been had anxiety and depression for many years, emotionally abused by my mother for years, living in the wrong life now.
What we are sensing here, Susan, is a lot of self blame and low self-esteem. Impulse is one thing. But we suspect you had some reasons for leaving your husband, no matter how hard they are to face. And a shopping spree is often a way to navigate severe stress over an impulse. We are after that feel good rush. You then say you suffer anxiety and depression, which again supports the idea that you weren’t in a happy supportive relationship and were seeking a moment of feeling good. In summary, please cut yourself some slack. Your childhood wasn’t happy, you didn’t feel loved, and it’s cast a shadow over your life. Don’t be too quick to add ‘too impulsive’ to the list of things you use to beat yourself up about as sounds more like someone just trying to cope. Is there something stopping you from seeking support? There is free to low cost counselling available, if you dig a bit. Use our article here to inspire you http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. We really think it would be very helpful and could make a massive difference to have unbiased support. Best, HT.
So i guess ill try and make this short which may be hard. Ive been diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, impulsive control disorder as well as polysubstance abuse. I was adopted as a child as were all my siblings. My mom died when i was in the 7th grade and i dont know who my father is. Prior to adoption according to my aunt, when she came over my brother and i would have dirty diapers, drinking Pepsi from our bottles, with drug addict parents. My brother and i were always inseperable until he moved to wisconsin a few years ago. We barely talk now. My foster parents raised us good, but ultimately did get divorced. We did suffer from abuse and neglect, which i wonder if that plays a factor into my overly sensitive personality. I care about everyone so much however i know ive failed them all at 31 yrs old. I recently got evicted, been on and off at work, im in extreme debt and no longer finanically independent. Im also currently in a 7 year relationship(both males) and im almost certain hes narxassistic as was my foster father. Hes not very nice and always self harms whenever we discuss separation. Thats when i remove myself and go to the car or dissappear bc i dont want to see or be involved in that. But it seems EVERY time i get stressed out because of my boyfriend, i instantly turn to gambling. It almost is 100% that when one occurs the other comes with it. Its gotten me in the financial mess im in. I also just spent way more money on a phone yesterday and realized today that was selfish and impulsive. But in the moment i didnt feel like i could say no. My boyfriend doesnt understand as he tells me just “stop gambling” or learn to say “no” and thinks i use my diagnosis as a crutch when in reality i wish i could but i find myself making rash decisions. Quitting my job which led to gambling more and resulting in an eviction overall. I was given seroquil to start taking but im nervous that itll knock me out and ill be late waking up eveeyday. Which is another issue i have with work. Im known for being late. I guess this isnt really a question but i just wanted your thoughts on all this. Thank you
Hi I have had a roller coaster of 29 years on this earth and have been clinically depressed and anxious since the age of 7. Also drug induced psychosis and severe addiction issues my whole life. I was smoking by 10 , I took my first hard drug at the latter stages of 11. Not big headedly but I was a kid with exceptional intelligence and I’m what you’d call in today’s worlds ways as the guy who had it all or so it seemed!!! I’m good looking, was described in my school reports for as long as I can remember as a popular quick witted and intelligent person who always struggled to concentrate properly, keep still, and was once described when I was in year 7 as a danger to no one but myself with my clear emotional and mental intelligence aware of myself and others situations or I can read body language like no other but yet from mainly the ages of 7 to even now at 29 there was urges and patterns in my behaviour that I tried and tried in every way possible to be looked at by a professional or even just listened to but instead because of my intelligence, popularity and awareness of life in general it was always put down by my parents, teachers, eventually even therapists from the age of 12/13 to even 28 just put it down to my own choices and I was just simply a naughty lad wasting my talents which academically was everything and as I’ve found out in adult life my biggest talent is impulsive self destructive behaviour (unless you literally have no-one in your life at all which luckily the vast majority do is any self destructive action or words actually only ever hurting the person doing it? From my many years of experience of this on and off my whole life even when everybody had given up on me and my ways back when I was 18 and oretty much through till I was 21/22 it would always get back to my family or my actions didn’t just have an effect on myself it would have a domino effect . Anyway sorry I’m going on again something I can’t ever seem to stop myself from doing verbally or written, and most importantly mentally. But anyway after years and years of a eventually rubbish childhood with my father ( my first ever physical memory with my dad is nice and I wish it wasn’t sometimes as when I turned 7 things got very different and still to this day I don’t know why. I can imagine I was a very very challenging child at times with my ability to have an answer to anything and what i now call urges/tendencies in my everyday behaviour must of been a nightmare. It wasn’t till I had children myself and noticed tiny parts of them in me that I took any responsibility for how my childhood turned out and people say I’m way too harsh on myself as what child at any age never mind 7+ truly understands their actions or what consequences their actions and words would cause? 0. Sadly some kids have something like myself and even still to this day naturally showed a deep understanding to right and wrong or their life’s lessons and situations mainly with their parents of course from a much younger age then expected. I personally don’t believe kids under 13 should be judged and differed in this way as we are all very different from each other so in terms of academic and other things related what are they basing it from? Or should I say who is the child that was first ever seen and studied and then used as a guideline on how to be a “normal” version of whatever age they may be. Anyway I’m sure I’m boring you and I do apologise for my ranting but after years of self destructive impulsive and sometimes literally suicidal behaviour which at times I felt I had no control over whatsoever it was said to me last year by a GP who had only listened to me for 5 mins tops describe my very eventful shall we say life and the way no matter if as usual I’d over thought every possible consequence to any person who would be involved and was aware I was doing wrong even at the time of doing it it’s like something takes over me and i do it anyway. He believed i had misdiagnosed ADHD from a child and has grown with me as an adult. This didnt make things any easier at all if not worse as i have been parred off to a waiting list years long but it made my impulsive behaviour in life at times make sense. I’m not saying it condones my eventual battle with addiction but it made so many forgotten memories reappear and make sense from when I was a kid to teens. Sadly it has turned into drink and drugs for me which I cannot truly deal with even though I’ve beaten drink dependency twice and got off the two most addictive substances known to man with relative ease I’m still now making impulsive rubbish decisions with drugs after 70+ days clean. I’d do anything at all to be properly assessed by anybody at all who doesn’t just see addiction and been on anti depressive and anti pyschotic drugs for over 10 years and chuck me another pill or doesn’t take what I say seriously because of intoxication. I have been studying this type of thing for 6 months now and never have I found such a well worded and different perspectives you cover in your responses to people like me who just want to be understood and helped too lessen the amount of stress for all involved who suffer with anything like this at all.
Hi I have major depression and adhd it’s worrying me a lot my cognitive isn’t working correctly I’ve had depression 7 years I’m going try exercise better diet but is that enough treatment resistant depression but then adhd I’m hugely impulsive all I no carnt control it I struggle my behaviour then there’s mood changes depression and there’s so much more my thoughts are scattered I have dysfunction my depression is cause I have untreated adhd I have learning disabilities finding life very hard