Help! Who Am I? 7 Signs That You Suffer From an Identity Crisis

Hi. I’m 20 and I think I’m having a sort of identity crisis. I feel bad if people don’t accept me. I constantly change myself and even my own opinions for other’s acceptance and I always feel bad if I think that they still don’t like me. When I was a child, I’m very antisocial because my dad was very strict that in whatever I do that may be slightly bad, I got punished physically and emotionally. Then I became extrovert this college (I changed for the better) that I easily made friends but more often than not, my introvert self keeps on stepping on my social life that people become confuse on who I really am and why I act like I do. (For example, I act really social today and tomorrow, I act like I don’t know them at all) Also, I always think on ways on how people will like me but I always feel like I’m a very bad person that no one will accept me. I don’t even know myself. Sometimes, I just tear up and wanted to leave my country as soon as possible. Sometimes, I just don’t feel like living. Everyone hates me the same way as I hate myself. I don’t even believe that I have friends even if I hangout with them. In the past day, I texted and chatted them because I wanted to talk about this strange feeling of identity crisis or whatever this is but I receive no reply like they don’t care about me anymore. It’s sad that I’m always one call away from them but in times of need, I’m all alone. Feeling empty. And sometimes, feeling like I’m no one, unimportant and always hated.

I started writing about my issues and realized it was getting too long. The world is crazy, even as it’s populated with perfectly normal people. It’s crazy regardless, right? So I want to say this, and I’d like to think I speak for everyone who suffers from psychological issues. We tend to live inside our heads. We are hyperactive thinkers and analyzers inside our minds — whether it’s about ourselves or others or both. When we do that, we absolutely cannot be happy at those moments. We know we cannot fix our wiring nor others wiring. We can only cope. And there’s various coping mechanisms in therapy and meds and behavioral changes. Coping mechanisms can help us live outside our self-conscience. A sustained sense of happiness is probably unrealistic. But when we live outside our self-conscience and self-awareness, we can find happiness and joy in moments. The key is flooding your life with joyful moments, isn’t it? So the goal becomes to reduce downtime where you start thinking about yourself again. And the more engaged we are in activities and accepting ourselves as we are and accepting (not endorsing) the people who did you harm and just LIVING, that is the key. Stay active.

I am 70 years old, and for my entire life, I had been lied to about who my father was. First I was told he was my mother’s husband, W. I identified as his child and with his family, although he was cold to me.
Then I found out that she was married before to P and that he was my father, but he was dead. I went through another identity crisis. I identified as his ethnicity and origins.
Then at sixteen, I found out P was alive. I spent the next ten years searching for him.

Then my mother told me P was not my father at all, but that my father was some wealthy rogue with whom she had a short affair at the end of WWII, but she would only tell me his first name, J She was very afraid her family would find out. Everyone thought P was my father. I had a whole identity crisis again. I was not the ethnicity of P. It was somebody else. But who?
I grew up to resemble a very famous celebrity. Sometimes I even did impersonations of this person. My entire life, even today, people say I look just like this person, who has passed on but is still very well known. At one time I asked my mother if I could be related to the celebrity, was her father the same as mine? She said no. She never met that person and would have no way of meeting him.

Fast forward many years. My mother died, recently. At her funeral, my sister said to me “Did Mom ever tell you about the time she had a love affair with J?” It turns out she had been an entertainer and ran into him at the end of the war.
I have so many questions. I am very upset by all these lies and this last revelation. I feel embarrassed that I did imitations as a celebrity look-alike of this person. I would never have done it if I had known I was her half sister. I am furious with my mother for not telling me the truth, but she is dead, and I can’t even ask her any questions. To me, this is earth shattering.
I have living relatives, a half-sister and a niece and grand niece but they are famous and very remote. I have been writing a book, and I want it to end with me finding my true identity.

I’m 29, I was diagnosed bipolar 1 when I was 23. I am really struggling with my identity and it’s ruining my life! I can’t stick at a job, always swrapping and changing careers, I have distanced myself from my friends and family and Im no longer happy in my relationship! But I don’t trust my own thoughts and decisions! It’s driving me to the point where I just don’t want to be here anymore! I have 2 young kids and just want to be a good mom and person but don’t think I’m capable of being stable! Please help! What do I do?

Hi my name is Maureen,And I think I am suffering from identity crisis.I easily change mood,I don’t know who I am anymore because usually my friends would laugh at me when I did something wrong and I feel alone Everytime they do this thing.I want to do a lot of things but I can’t because I am afraid they would laugh and judge if they sees it weird.Thank u for this article I got some useful things to overcome my Identity problem..

Well based on this, despite having some hard times in my life, thank goodness I’ve never had a identity crises. However, I’ve seen this type of behavior come up a lot of times, even with relatives and past loved ones… I’m wondering how do you help someone who you know is genuinely good and has a lot of potential, but suffers from a poor sense of self/identity? Do you encourage their opinion, regardless of their reaction? do you try to listen as much as you can?

Hi I’m Ashley and I’m 15. Ever since I entered high school I’ve been struggling to come to terms with whom I really am, I dont even know what i like or what I dislike anymore I dont know what I want to do with my life anymore.

Hello,
I’m 17 years old and tbh I don’t really know if I’m going through an identity crisis. Since I was younger, I’ve always felt like I was alone in some way. My train of thought seems to much more different from a lot of people i’ve met, which I found made it very difficult to easily befriend someone especially since primary school. Despite that I was still able to make friends halfway through secondary school, although now ever since I started college I have dropped alot of these “friends”, and I only have one friend now who i do trust a lot. I’ve always felt this anxiety about my identity, about who I am ever since I was in primary school, however the anxiety just increased all of a sudden especially when I changed from being in 6th form to a standard college. I’ve just lost all motivation of my hobbies that I was once very passionate about, I do also want to point out that I am depressed and have been through suicidal thoughts. At this point, I don’t whether this is my depression or anxiety making me become this way or I’m actually going through some crisis. I do find myself very much different from just 3-4 months ago. I apologise if this comment doesn’t make sense in a way or if I’m not very clear.

Salutations.

I have just read your article, and I feel inclined to ask, what if one has simply rejected one’s identity at a very young age? How young? you might ask. How about age five? I was actually pretty normal up to that point, but since the summer of 1989, I have been in a perpetual state of swinging between wanting to be someone radically different and feeling obligated to be someone radically different. Nowadays, that latter is more a sense that much of what is wrong with my wretched life might have been averted if I had been born as someone radically different. That is on a good day. On a bad day, I deeply wish, usually downing half a bottle of whisky in the process, that my parents had had the good sense to prevent my birth. On an especially bad day, I act out and embarrass myself. Sometimes, even, I embarrass myself with alcohol in my system.

All these years striving to improve myself, of off-and-on therapy, and what have I achieved? I hate myself the more I learn, the more I polish myself, and the more I improve, I consider myself LESS competent than before…

Excuse me. I have to go and buy liquor. I think a couple of bottles of gin should do it.

Hi, great article
I’m a girl born in a middle-eastern household. I’m 16. My birth name is Sabrina however at the age of 6,7 my parents suddenly decided to change my name to Zara. They tried to do it legally but it was a long process at the time and so they just agreed to tell everyone to call me by my new name. At that time i was okay and honestly i didn’t really care what my name was. But the struggle began when i started going to school and everyone there including teachers and my friends knew me as sabrina and no one even knew i had another name. So i’ve been be half day sabrina and half day zara since then. Which i find VERY annoying these days. Because i’ve noticed my atitude changes as i’m being called by different names and i feel like 2 very different persons now. I’ve talked to my parents about it but they said i should just tell my friends to call me zara. But i don’t want that. I like sabrina better and i think it suits me better. I get sooo angry even hearing zara and i also can’t do anything about it. I’m going mad! What should i do??!

Hello! I’m 19 years old and I just recently finished my first year of college ever since I can remember I guess back in Middle School I was that quirky shy kid who was an outsider like in those coming of age movies like Perks of Being a Wall Flower or Paper Towns. I have these moments especially now since I go to a Community College where I ask myself constantly about what I want to be in the future. I have this genuine feeling deep down that I’m here for a purpose in this world, to make the world a better place, to have a big impact. But I have such a difficult time expressing myself or finding a way to express myself. I want my voice to be heard but then again Im so afraid to do simple things like talk to people in my grade during my high school years and stuff. There are times where I’m afraid to take a chance with certain things as well. I don’t break myself out of that comfort zone enough. Especially in my hobbies like listening to music, editing photography, playing video games, or playing soccer, most precisely on my VSCO and Instagram account I look at myself and try to judge my sense of style and identity as a person. There is so much I want to try, do, and experience but I fail to bring myself to do anything as of right now.

Unsure Who I am.
I am 63 years old and having a tough time right now. I have long standing chronic anxiety, depression, codependency issues, and dependent personality issues. I was promoted at work to job duties that I love however given the lack of structure, mentoring on new job position, large numbers of open positions in my Unit, I find myself covering too many job duties that are so burdensome, I believe I am “failing” in my new job. I was stellar prior to this at my “old job” but believe I am failing now. I also have long standing conflicts with my son concerning my lack of boundaries– well, weak boundaries with him. He seems to be gunnysacking me, remembering all the times I screwed up but not when I do well.
I also have great difficulty with hearing any negative feedback or told I upset someone with what I said,- have tendency to say things prior to thinking about how they will be perceived. At the same time, I have been a long time counselor – rehabilitation – so do have some good communication skills. I also have recently, been way too emotional at work, stopping a meeting due to crying for example. (other staff in region do not have the burden of work that I do now. When I confronted my Manager, he said “he can’t it, we have too many openings and I have to do all the extra work”). It upsets me I can’t do all that is needed; no one really can. Also, my office is moving next week and integrating with other Department staff- which are not Rehab Counselors, but carry out other duties. (I don’t have any oversight or involvement with them, but leaving our tidy and cosy office to a more impersonal and business-like office environment. I threw a close friend/co-worker under the bus today by reporting to Supervisor that “no one was here” when I arrived at 8:am. (oops, we can all be late from time to time and try to cover for each other.) When challenged, I did cry. I should have covered for staff.
I also have so much financial issues, it is hard to manage. I will get some relief when some debt is paid off 16 months from now and 22 months from now, I will get a break on house taxes so might not lose my home. (behind in payment 1 and some in escrow $780.00).
I think I am too emotional, too lacking in boundaries and can’t handle the stress I am under.

I don’t know, if you answer all of these or not. I’m not even sure why I’m writing this. I have always been a bad child. I was brought home by the police the first time when I was 5. After that, my parents would keep me locked in my room. And spank me daily before school to remind me to be good. Much later when I was in a mental facility they diagnosed me with an identity crisis. But my parents pulled me put of there. We went to a shrink once. And when he told my parents it was their fault, we left. I don’t usually tell people(like doctors) what is going on in my head for fear that they might lock me up for being crazy. But i don’t have any friends anymore. And I keep getting told that something is wrong with me. I don’t know if there is anything wrong with me. But I am currently homeless and without a job. All of my friends hate me. So, I’m looking for a reason that my life keeps blowing up in my face.

First off, thank you for this informative article, and to all of you brave folks living the struggle. Remember this: you’re fighting the good fight by posting and seeking help. Love yourselves in any way that you can, try new things, and make an attempt to get out of your comfort zone once in a while- it’s surprisingly good for the soul.

I’m 38, grew up as a first child, sheltered from everything due to what i thought was just the typical first child parent-paranoia. Never had a real relationship with parents, they’re always working, and after a tumultuous adolescent period of depression, suicideal attempts, every psychotic prescribed drug in the late 90s, they gave up (and so did I) on mental health when I turned 18. To this day they do not believe in most mental health issues existing, so any kind of therapy with them is not happening, nor could i even talk to them about it. I learned about Ericksen’s Psychosocial stages, and was struck about the theory of forming an identity in our teens. I thought that’s it! That might be the root cause of my lack of knowing who I am, and what I need to do to be happy.

The other part of my situation is that perhaps my parents did know something was not right, and might have a secret kind of guilt for it. The reason being is that they always help me when i need it. I tried breaking away from their help numerous times, only ending up broke, in massive debt, semi-homeless, and in other desperate situations. I read self-help books, listen to inspiring people, and am privileged to be able to take some classes in college after i was laid off of my minimum wage job that I thought I would blossom and be more succesful at. I’ve been told that i’m unemployable, extrememly impatient, irrational, self-destructive, over-reactionary, overly-sensitive, etc. I am fortunate to have a girlfriend of many years who believes in me, and we’re committed in our hearts to eachother. However, I have never made it easy on her, and we’re going broke year after year because we only survive on her income and my parent’s help. My parent’s agreed to help with those things as long as i stay in school because no one knows another way for me to be succesful and happy. School is not enjoyable, especially for the 4th attempt, and being the “old” guy in every class. I am a slow learner, can’t handle a full course load, so any graduation or accomplishement is way too far off in the distance. I can’t see myself being able to maintain my relationship or my finances much longer, but i keep trying to convince myself that i’m in school to find my identity. I keep floundering, and getting talked into different courses and majors because advisors and counselors convince me that those things are best for my chances of being succesful. I only want to be happy, and have money. The problem is that i still don’t know anything beyond that. Get bored very quickly is a relatable issue with this identity problem, and has made school even more intolerable. I was in cognitive behavioral therapy for almost 2 years, but i never used what i learned and am still exactly the same person with the same depressing and self-obstructing behavior.

This is super long, and i’m sorry, but I want to be detailed as possible in case others can relate or have input. One thing I want to add to the identity issue is that i’ve always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I know that is probably another way of stating identity issues, however it was even physical for me. Hating the appearance in the mirror, and being borderline obsessive wifh trying to look a certain way everyday has had a crippling affect on being ready and prepared for daily life. The part about trying to please others, for example, to look a certain way for a job, is a really big issue for me. I’ve learned to be healthier, however it’s turned into a chaotic obsession of being a hypochondriac. What i mean is that i spend so much time and energy trying to self-diagnose what the heck is really wrong with me (look how long this post is!) that it’s become another issue altogether. Who am I? And where is he so that I can get on with living life and being my truest self? Thanks for reading all of this, and again, keep fighting the good fight people. You’re totally worth it!

Hi.. first of all, thank you for this beautiful post. As I read from yours, there are some signs that I have an identity crisis. I always feel bored. Like getting bored easily. I can never trust somebody pretty fast so that’s why I like to keep asking again and again. I also feel lack of confidence and don’t believe to myself eventhough my teacher and my friends told me that I’m great. I always think everyone actually is better than me. I’m full on negativity in my mind. I’m overthinking and getting stress easily. Everytime I’m in this situation, I always question myself. How do I cope this feeling? This is so irritating.

I’ve read numerous articles & research papers and listened multiple lectures & podcasts about human psychology/identity. I have found nothing that I can relate to or describes what I am dealing with. I’m a 31yr old male who is extremely active(exercising 6 days/week specifically bodybuilding). I work in human services/public assistance. I have been in a relationship for 10months… longer than my average. Some good qualities that I’ve been told I exhibit are charming, protective(my family has always looked to me for that), strong leader, good role model, no fear, relatively intelligent, and apparently rather artistic. There are a few negative self destructive behaviors that others have said about me occasionally such as risky sexual behavior (1 night stands) previous to the relationship, manipulative, financially reckless, highly explosive anger, changing exterior sometimes daily, poor sleep habits and sometimes paranoia. However the ones that drive me insane are the fact that I believe I’m getting smaller (muscular wise) no matter how hard I train and how how much I eat… other people will laugh and say no but I can see it in the mirror. The other thing that I can’t stand is that I change who I am with no control over it. Sometimes I will go to bed with clear set views and expression only to wake up to something drastically different. My sister has told me that I will watch movies or play games then copy whatever character I see…. from how they act, dress, and even appearance if I am able to copy their hairstyle. That’s where the impulsive spending comes in and never getting the same haircut twice. I had more I was thinking about but that was a different day, I woke up and can’t remember…. please advise?
If you need to know about my childhood or more about my adulthood I can explain that as well.

Hi. Basically i’m 16 and i relate to this is a lot especially the part where it says that i’m afraid to commit to things (especially friendships) in case it makes my life worse than better. I never used to be like this and i am trying to figure out what has caused me to think in this way. It’s gotten so bad this year but i think the problems really started to worsen at the age of 11, the year i joined secondary school and the year i realised i was gay. This year has been as follows: It was Okay to begin with but i was not really interested in much (didn’t feel like a problem though), then i noticed i hadn’t laughed genuinely in a long time, so started overthinking a lot and became seriously depressed. Lastly, after seeing this boy, (i’ll explain later) i keep thinking of how much better life could be if i had made different decisions. I feel completely empty and emotionless, sort of like i’m watching my self through a TV. I question every decision i make as i’m afraid that i’ll worsen my state I try to do things that previously i’d find funny and force out a laugh until i laugh genuinely again. I’ve got so many different theories as to why i have become like this (i used to be the complete opposite) so i’ll try to list them:
1). Have I always been like this? As a kid, I always wanted to become an actor but for some reason was always embarrassed to tell my parents, especially my dad, in case he made fun of me. I don’t know why i was afraid to express my interests but i remember sub-consciously telling myself i didn’t like activities such as drama or dance even though i really did. I would always look forward to school plays e.t.c because i have the excuse that i had to it and that i didn’t have a choice. Looking back, i think my family would’ve encouraged me if i had said something.
2). My obsession with being popular. My (very sad) goal for joining secondary school was to be popular. I would still hang out with my friends but in the mornings in form i would force myself to have conversations with popular kids. Have no idea why i was so desperate but i’m sure it wasn’t normal. I also became extremely self-conscious in my clothing and shoes as i was teased for the shoes i was wearing. Like i said, i really wanted to start drama but was too embarrassed and this one of the three reasons i didn’t do the school show. (Other two explained in a bit)
3). Realising i was gay. I remember the moment and i remember crying. Very religious parents so it was an understandable reaction. From about years 11- early 16 the main feeling i had towards the fact i was gay was that of embarrassment. I used to shrivel up when people asked me. This was the reason i never did the school show or GCSE drama as i was afraid it would make my sexuality was more obvious. (F.Y.I toxic friends were the reason i didn’t do the show initially and then when i realised i was gay after , there was no way i was going to do it).
4). My though processes. This is a weird one. I’ve actually been overthinking for a long time. For example I actually created a popularity structure inside my head and put people into each category. Weird. I also thought being gay was always cringe. Don’t know why but i always just thought it was cringe when there was a gay character in a show expressing their love for another. It made me feel so uncomfortable. I thought it was cringe for a gay guy to do sport or to sweat (no idea why). They got a lot weirder than that and i analysed people so deeply it was so strange.
5). My personality. For a while I thought there was something wrong with me . Like for example, if someone were to laugh at a meme that i didn’t find funny i’d think that i was weird. I was very impressionable. For example, if someone were to say that they drink alcohol, I’d immediately think i wasn’t a normal teenager and i should be drinking alcohol. Then i’d see another teenager who wasn’t like that and then feel that i shouldn’t care because they don’t care. If someone were to talk openly about their sexual preferences (i didn’t mind hearing about it but didn’t like talking about it personally ) I would then try and talk about it myself. I remember liking a show and also liking a you tuber and then literally forcing myself to stop watching it because it wasn’t what a normal teenager watched. THIS WAS WHEN I WAS BY MYSELF. I would literally change myself when was alone. WHAT!? I would tell myself that i was not a normal teenager for watching that particular programme and then stop myself from watching it and force myself to watch something that a “normal” teenager would watch.
6). Over-protective mum. I remember- from about age 11- being extremely embarrassed of my family. If they made us go out somewhere as a family i would actually tell myself i wasn’t enjoying it even though i actually was . None of my other siblings seem to be this self-aware (about clothing or going-out) so why am I?? Anyway, my Mum. From an early age I’ve always thought that I wasn’t normal because my mum never allowed me to watch a lot of TV & film. She was extremely paranoid that i would be contaminated. So when i found out the concept of sex (due to other peers and also looking it up in the dictionary) I remember being obsessed. It would literally be one of the few things that i would talk about from the ages of 9-11. I’m not sure this is normal either because no-one else seemed to care. I have a theory that because my mum constantly tried to avoid things like this – when i was actually exposed to it I became so interested. I always felt sinful if i watched something that even said the word “sex” and again i felt so abnormal because i had never watched a 15 rated movie like all of my friends had.
6). Toxic Friends. A big one. When i was kid my I hung out with a kid who was basically the cool one. So, i suppose from a young age i could of felt inadequate. (Also when i was a kid i remember my friend’s mum sitting on the floor watching a TV show that my mum didn’t watch. Then I felt that my mum – and my family-weren’t normal because they didn’t do this. Bear in mind i was about 7 or 8. WHAT 8 YEAR OLD THINKS LIKE THIS??) Anyway, we were only really “friends” through our mums so we were never really that close. I also had another friend, who i turned not to be that close to either so i met a new one in year 5. I wouldn’t describe my first two “best friends” as “toxic” though because i was a kid who didn’t think this deeply. (about age 9-10) . Anyway, this friend from year 5 was great for a while until about year 7. I remember him saying things that made me feel quite inadequate. For example he would sort of laugh at me if i suggested something. He made me feel like i wasn’t normal even more because he liked video games, i didn’t (but i tried to force myself to) and he was into rap music and i wasn’t (but i tried to force myself to). My other friends also made me feel so self-conscious about what i was saying. how i was saying it etc in case i were to reveal i was gay. I think that I was still a problem though because for some reason I’ve always felt like i was abnormal. I really want to know where this has stemmed from and why i did i keep changing myself so that people would think i was “cool”. Oh and also i met a second friend in year 7 who i got along very well with but was almost embarrassed to hang out with him because people would sort of make fun of him. From about year 7 to year 10 i would partially hang out with my friend and then partially hang out with my other “cooler” friends. What sort of a person is embarrassed to hang out with someone because of how other people perceive them???
7). Dad. Not going to go into this one but definitely another reason why i am the way i am. Always has shouted at me for acting feminine and “talking like a poof”. Always had to be so careful about the way i behave around him.
8). The Boy. Basically there was another boy in my class from year 7 who i could immediately tell was gay by the way he acted. I’ve always had a huge crush on him since year 7 up until today (year 11) because he’s never been afraid to express himself the way he does. He did drama and dance and i was looked at him thinking “i wish that could be me”. We were also VERY similar. We hardly ever talked but i realised we were extremely similar: big families, desire to be famous and the way we acted. He also wasn’t very “cool” like me. There were other gay people in our year but he was the only one i really really liked and felt i could relate to. He was telling about things he used to do with his family which frustrated me so much because I USED TO DO THOSE THINGS WITH MY FAMILY but stopped them from doing because i was so focused on what people would think of me. We also posted very similar things on our Instagram. Fast forward to year 11 when we did sexual things with each other. But after a while i focused more on his personality and how he expressed this on his Instagram and i feel so annoyed with myself that my personality couldn’t of developed like his did. I feel like his developed properly where as mine didn’t.
WHERE I AM NOW
So, In year 10, i decided to switch my friend group. I was growing apart from my year 5 friend for a long time for a seemingly unknown reason. I always felt awkward around him like i was forcing out the conversation. I think it was mostly because i was gay and thought i wasn’t expressing myself. I’ve now realised that i don’t think I’ve been expressing myself for the past 5 years. So i decided to go. Now i hang out with a girl group because i thought this would make it easier. And it did. But other problems arose. I realised a few months ago that i wasn’t laughing. My thought process for joining this group was basically “I’m gay so joining a girl group will make i much easier because gays get along better with girls”. I literally do not find anything funny enough that it makes me laugh and laugh like it used to. I still feel as though i’m not being myself but i don’t see how i’m not. I’ve realised that when i send stuff to the group chat it’s always to make them laugh and think how funny i am but not actually because i find it funny. I’m extremely scared because i have a feeling that I’ve missed out on key moments on my psychological development but haven’t lost all hope because apparently you develop psychologically until you’re about 20 and adolescence is a key moment of this psychological development. I’m doing the show next year to basically get my “old” personality back. If this doesn’t work then i’ll be so scared. I really want to know why I’ve always cared so much about what people have thought of me and why i always thought i was so abnormal. I now have no interest in anything and it’s so depressing. I was such an ambitious child. I have so many theories about why i am this way but i think the biggest two were friends and family. Every time i see this boy i get so sad because i know that if i hadn’t had this weird weird weird thought process and would just be myself , we could’ve been close. I am so scared for the future because i don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to overthink. I rarely meet with friends as i think it will worsen my psychological development because my identity is so lost. I keep thinking back to my childhood memories wheni didn’t overthink like this.
These are the questions i need answers to:
Why did I care so much about how people saw me? And i know i’m a teenager so that’s natural, but why did i literally change my personality when i was alone?
Why can’t I laugh anymore? I need answers to this one. When i realised i wasn’t laughing genuinely (about a year after joining the group) i took it as a sign i STILL wasn’t being my true self.
Why can’t i connect socially with anyone anymore? Why do i not like getting to close to people? Have I missed out on key moments of my development?
Why, even before i realised i was gay, was i so scared of expressing myself?
What are the things that have caused all this?
Is there a chance i can improve my life, laugh again, connect naturally? Please don’t just say yes. I just want to go back to not overthinking. I know i need a therapist but i’m 16 so can’t afford one.
Thanks.

Hi, I know this is a couple years late but I’m 15 and I dont know if I have an identity crisis or if its just part of my development as a teenager. A couple of things stood out to me in this article as well as what a couple of people have said in the comments. The biggest thing is when you said “A person without a sense of identity, however, can instead feel a disconnect from who they have been, and/or no sense as to who they will become next.” and then elaborated with the example of the mirror since I would have times when I get numb and just stare at my reflection for a long time not believing the person is ME. And the moment I realized this, I had also realized how much I had become to copy my close friends. I had begun to think “this person is very likable. what makes this person likable?” and I try to act similarly. And I hate it. Which was why I decided, I cant copy what isnt there right? so I have started to distance myself from my friends. However, A lot of my friends are struggling with very serious mental disorders like eating disorders, anxiety, depression, and insomnia so I dont want to leave them in this crucial time. I want to be there for them, but I dont know how. I know I should talk to them because, well, they’re my friends. The things is, my problems seem so trivial that I dont think I can talk to them about it because they have so much more to worry about than this. Something else that stood out to me was when “help” wrote about overthinking. I mean, I’m debating even now if I will submit it. When I’m walking, I will suddenly hesitate for no reason which causes a bunch of jerky movements that looks weird. I actually do the same thing with “help” when it comes to popularity. I create a hierarchy of everyone in our friend group and place everyone in different roles. I dont know if I am just being overdramatic and trying to fit in with everyone else because I dont have any sort of traumatic experience. My family isnt really close but they dont hate me or shame me. I am not bullied, discriminated on, nor economically challenged. But I’m so confused about my identity that I’m not even sure about my sexuality! I feel so utterly lost right now. Like if you were to ask me about myself, the only thing I could use to describe the feeling I get is an empty, blank, void. I do not expect a reply since its been what, 5 years? but I do appreciate being able to let it out to real people. Anyway, my question is, Am I just being overdramatic? or is this something all teenagers go through normally? (BTW: Sorry about this giant essay)

While reading this I started to come to terms with the fact that my entire life I avoided coming to terms with having an identity. As a toddler to small child my family hopped from being homeless to apartment-to-apartment. From age 7 to age 12 we lived in the same place long enough for me to start along through school and develop trichotillomania by age 9 (shamed to admit i still struggle with it). However, even as I was hardly 4, I took a keen interest in all things digitally entertaining. From now-retro computers, to consoles, I determined now that I spent every ounce of effort to be someone else in a fantasy than to be myself in reality. It was when I turned 12 that we moved into the city I’m in today and was ostracized enough to feel the need to take my own life. Surviving that attempt, I became more passive and generally older over time – this lead to an increase in acceptance/friends and experiences overall. Still, I generally found more solace in being a gamer and, as I transitioned into being a teen, social gatherings were typically only facilitated by smoking weed among one another. I later would have attempted suicide one more time before feeling “doomed” to live my whole life. As independent adulthood drew ever-closer, my standard for feeling immersed in the escape of gaming grew ever-higher. It soon got to the point where I couldn’t continue a game I died in without restarting after a month or so of abstaining from a title, simply because that ‘world’ no longer felt “real-enough”. As far as real-life was concerned, I barely squeezed a diploma from a charter school after ending my senior year with abysmal grades, at which point I promptly got a fast-food job ..that I would go on to work for seven years. During that time I certainly made a couple lasting friendships and learned plenty of life-lessons. I since put my name as one of a few on the deed to a house, lost my father to a plethora of health-issues, failed an expensive premium course that could’ve made me six-figures or more had i have the level-headed-ness to implement, and moved into retail. I’m nearly 28 now and after yet another long-distance breakup i considered a “second last-chance” for opening up to; I had a severe trichotillomania episode, followed by the acceptance that ……… I never really took ANY time to know or even decide who I am. I been .. severely degrading mentally for what feels like weeks now. Vaguely, I remembered once reading about this sort of thing happening to people who lost what they placed their entire sense of self into and .. it now makes sense. So i googled “severe identity crisis” and came upon this article, which gave me the moment to reflect on.. all of this. . . . . .

..what to do with this information, I don’t know. But there’s a sense of ..hope, knowing I might find a self to save.

I have trouble remembering most of my childhood even though in only 18. Although I know from my older sister that I witnessed a lot of fighting between her and my father even sometimes to the point where he would hit her (I barely remember this). I know I was raised very sheltered and in a religious environment which I have since come to reject. I’m not close with my parents and I don’t mind it- they just feel like strangers to me. Lately I’ve been struggling with who I am as a person. I go through phases where I desperately try to figure it out- turning to zodiac, enneagram, online quizzes that I take for hours. I know I should seek therapy but I really hate reaching out to my parents (my mom is absolutely suffocating) for help and I can’t get professional help without them knowing. I guess I just really don’t have a sense of identity and I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like there’s something in my life that I’m missing from my past or in my present.

I am 20 years old now and will be 21 on 9 Dec 2020 . I constantly change according to people like chameleon . I truly lack a sense of self . All my needs , wants changes according to people . I no I don’t have any social anxiety but know that I have an emptiness inside me. I can feel the void . I have almost no friends, the only time I feel comfortable is when my family is around . I dont try to socialize because I have been taken advantage many times , and don’t know when to say no . If the group is quiet , I will be quiet and vice versa . Is 20 years suitable for any therapy ? One thing for sure is that I dont have sense of self or low sense of self . Can I regain my true self at age 20. Is it possible. This often leads to anxiety sometimes depression . Please tell me which therapy would work on me to regain my true sense of self and is it possible to regain my self .

I have consulted a Psychiatrist , she said will be doing counselling.And I respect your advice , but you said it is normal to not know who we are at age 20 . https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zz_KBKcUGQ&t=571s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXKqUFkxQ8k&t=20s
above 2 videos will give you a vivid description . Can I regain my sense of self ? Thanks.

I am undergoing CBT now. But if that doesn’t work . Which therapy will work ? Can you name some of the therapies ? I came to know about Psychodynamic Psychotherapy , Psychoanalytic therapy ,Schema therapy ? Can you name some of the therapies ? Thanks.

Have so much to say but I feel like it would be lost in translation. I think most of what follows will end up not making sense and that’s mainly to do with me getting lost in my memories.

*Before my parents emigrated to the UK (I was 9), I was repeatedly being raped by two men. I knew them as uncles and they were related somehow to my family….I think.

*In the Somali culture, for reasons unknown, all families have this habit of teaching their children to call everyone uncle and aunty. I hated it then and I hate it even more now.

*Literally got into a physical fight with my brother (1st) & sister (4th) when they ignored my advice.

*Have a tendency to blow up any and all who dare to encourage my nieces and nephews (as well as my best friend’s little ones) to call people I don’t know uncle/aunty.

*I don’t want any child to go through what I did. I don’t want them to ever feel like they couldn’t reach out to me, let alone their parents.

*I say that because I saw a beloved uncle walking in and walking back out again
away. He saw what was happening. He did nothing.

*I can honestly say that was the moment I realised no one is ever going to ‘save’ me.

*Trust. Help. Protection. Pure utter shite.

*I’m seriously so fucked up inside. I know I am and I have found a way to actually go living my life.
*Barring the odd fights with friends about my tendencies to cancel plans at the very last minute, the annoying habit of turning up late, disappearing and refusing to get in contact for a couple of days and lie about things (lying borne out of a desire not to rock the boat, not out of maliciousness), I have created this facade that is just a happy go lucky person. Always smiley. Happy to help. Bubbly. Ready to make new friends. Weird

*’Peace at any price is just another word for being weak’ is what an ex friend called my desire for peace.

*Being called weak, liar and called to carpet for being a shitty friend (being late to a party etc) never bothered me. The thoughts I have of myself are much worse & the name I calls myself when I look in the mirror is what makes me actually function like a normal human.

*Until cracks started appearing. Alcohol. Drugs. Lost days. Fights. Found a way to shove the fucked up feelings back down to its proper place. Deep down in the dark spaces of my mind. Where it belongs. Until today. I get headaches everyday. And once in awhile, the hate & the anger I feel at the world shows through and I see the confusion in the eyes of my family and my friends, and I know that whatever happens moving forward I can never talk to them.

*Somali. * 4 months into my 38th birthday. I am a disappointment. Early 2010’s I stopped working/climbing the corporate ladder to become a carer, not something I wanted to do but I did it because I love my family.

*1st daughter but the 2nd child.

*5 siblings (2 B & 3 S).

*The oldest & youngest (M & M) are boys.

*All have graduated, have amazing jobs and are happily married.

*With the exception of my youngest sister, all became parents to 10 amazing babies. My monsters who I like to think they adore me (well, 9 times out of 10) and I always look forward to our fundays.

I am not sure why I wrote all this, its not as if I don’t know what is wrong with me. I guess, I needed someone else to know me just a little. The real me that has so much to say but can’t share. The me I don’t show the world because if writing just this has given me the biggest headache already.

Right, I need a painkiller. And something to numb everything else.

I grew up in a very stressful environment. My mother had severe emotional and substance abuse issues, and my father seemed to have sociopathic tendencies and terrible mood swings. Both of my parents were selfish and narcissistic, and they disliked people who asked for help or expressed emotions other than gratitude and happiness. There were a lot of fights when I was little (many became physical) between my parents. They split up when I was young and they hated each other after. They were so consumed by this hatred that they’d try to use me as a weapon. I was forced to lie, argue, and communicate for and between them. When I started to get older and express my own emotions and feelings, they completely rejected them. They would use my weaknesses against me, tell me that I wasn’t allowed or shouldn’t feel the ways I do, and they made me feel completely invalidated. Anytime I tried to tell them how I felt, they would become offended and call me “attention-seeking,” “dramatic,” and a “liar.” I have suffered from depression and anxiety for years of my life, and now I am reaching adulthood and I feel like I have no sense of identity. It’s like I don’t know what I believe in, how I feel, who or what I am… Every time I think I have come to some sort of conclusion about myself, I begin to invalidate it. My moral code is flexible and very low, especially towards others, and I can’t seem to affiliate with anything. I have found myself researching what caused my issues, even though I am fairly certain it was the way my parents treated me. I think I just liked having a website written by some other person validate everything I feel and think.

Hello , My Name is Louis , I am 18 years old and my adolescence changed everything in my life , way of thinking , dressing , dealing with people and so on . when I turned 12 I was diagnosed with Diabetes and in that sequence I entered a state of melancholy in which I was forced to to grow quickly, it was from that time that I started to invest more and more in my own capital, that is, it was from that moment that I understood that my biggest investment could only be myself, so I started to bet on myself and studying subjects that most of my old friends my age were not interested in such as Literature, History, Art, Politics and Economics when I reached my 15 years old I already had a certain level of general knowledge that most of my old friends my age they didn’t, but it was during adolescence that the most troubled period of my life came, the existential crises that in a way exist to this day.
I couldn’t fit in with people because I didn’t identify with the environment in which I was set, people never identified with me and I much less with them because I just wanted to know what was good for me, in this case History, Art and in a way things that would make me increase my level of general culture and above all that enriched me personally not only intellectually but spiritually, it was from there that I let go of any kind of materialism and started to live according to the famous phrase of Socrates “I only know that I know nothing”
I tried to be like the people around me that I considered in a way “futile” but I couldn’t adapt and until today I haven’t adapted 100% because in my point of view, all the behavior of the people around me I didn’t I liked it was limited to materialism and in a way to the futility and arrogance on their part, you understand when you have to be arrogant to beat an arrogant person but this arrogance is not part of your personality or your person itself, I found myself wrapped up in this situation several times
when I was 17 years old I considered myself a man of the center-right, this ideology on my part made me define my “political” position in relation to the study of people and society itself, from then on I learned that our Positioning says a lot about who we are and makes us understand our society better.
During the time I studied history, I actually immersed myself in history and found myself inspired by the great European leaders of all times Louis XIV, Charles V, Alexander the Great, Henry IV, Leopold I and many others who influenced my way of thinking , in my point of view for much better , but in a way in that time I started to identify myself in a way with the arostocracy and I started to have a certain desire to be great or to become great for my deeds , from then on I came to believe that if nothing was by chance I was not born to be just “one more” among billions of citizens in this world, to this day I believe that one day I will be great, so great that I will create a dynasty that will be the pride of many who doubted me and besides, I will be so great that not even the brightness of my existence will be erased with the succumbing of my last breath, that is. my name will perpetuate before generations and generations, by identifying myself with the aristocracy I started to follow certain types of thinking that make me believe that in fact I was born at the wrong time, I love “monarchical” portraits that no one cares about nowadays. fact for the representation that in my opinion is the molding of the public image of any person who wants to be “great” in themselves and otherwise I see myself in the obligation to create my own dynasty because if I didn’t come from one, one would come of me and so that the blood does not fail in the first generation, heirs are necessary, yes, although it seems crazy, I would like to have 8 children all with the same wife, although I have a perfect notion that the birth trend nowadays it is decreasing and above all women have a body that must be respected and a long succession of births can completely spoil the image of a woman, I hope someday I will find someone who thinks like me and who has such ideas. with mine to make this inner desire of mine come true, but apart from that bubble of mine , there is something that haunted my adolescence and in a way it will haunt me until the end of my days , the fact that I have dysbeths is no problem , since I am a normal person following my daily routine . care but as I am somewhat melancholic and I am scared of the future although I know it is uncertain and although I am aware that I may not be a part of it, diabetes has serious consequences that frighten me and in a way make me have fear not only for me but for my descendants as well, anyway I never knew what relationship this condition had with diabetes but I suffer from “delayed puberty” and I have a penis that is smaller than average almost similar to a micropenis what makes me afraid of getting intimate with a woman like that in fact, I’m aware that sex is not just anal but I’m still a virgin and in a way I’m not ready just to have oral sex with someone, anal attracts me more than others and unfortunately I have a rather small dick, I don’t think my dick would please any woman if I went in from behind, this sight scares me and scares me in a way I haven’t lost my virginity yet because I’m afraid of my sexual partner’s reaction when I see it my penis during the consummation of the sexual act

Hi there, I’m 36 and I’ve been doing medicine work for three years and last August had a terrible experience, which landed me with chemical and stress induced psychotic like symptoms.
With a narcissistic, misogynistic, and bipolar father, and a mother, who rejected her femininity. Having never questioned my identity before; now I’ve been wrestling with intrusive thoughts and images that have led me to deeply second guess my female identity. “Is this the real me?” “What if I got it all wrong” “Am I really just like my mother?” “Have I created myself to be someone I’m not?” “It doesn’t make sense to want to become/identify like the person who hurt me” (my father). Coupled with a very fleeting sense of shame and disgust. I’m moments of clarity I think “cutting my hair won’t take the pain away” and I’ve collected many pieces that suggest sexual abuse at a very young age by my father, but can’t consciously know for sure. The issue I’m having in therapy is getting past the surface images of someone who doesn’t look like me and doubts about who I’ve always know myself to be and to the root of the pain and suspected abuse. I couldn’t bare to find that I’m not her anymore and desperately want to feel like her again.

Do you have any thoughts or encouragement you might offer to help properly frame my perspective?
Thank you 🙏🏻

Tears stream down my face as I write this, not really knowing how to articulate what I want to express in response to how much this piece resonates with me.

I was removed from my parents by social services and placed into institutional care (List D schools) when I was 8 years old, I would get home to visit on weekends initially but after a while the children’s panel ruled 52 week care. I was never going back home. My parents rarely visited me at my care institution and when they did it didn’t feel like they were too bothered about me being in care. My mother tells me as an adult she used to sit on my bed in my bedroom back home and cry for me, so maybe in a way she did care. When she did visit it was difficult and my father visited even less, he rarely came to see me because he felt “screened” by the staff.
The reason I got taken into care was because my behaviour as a child was out of control, violent and hyper sexualized. I was suspected to have Autism and or ADHD.

I left care at 16 and ever since I have struggled massively. I am now 31 and living alone for the first time after a long term relationship ended a few years ago which saw me couchsurfing for several years. I now have my own secure tenancy which I’m grateful for but I have never felt so alone and isolated. I call Samaritans on average once per week, cannot afford private therapy and the waiting list for NHS is massive. I suspect I do have major identity issues stemming from childhood and a mother who apparently told the GP when I was a baby that “she couldn’t bond with me, maybe post natal depression”, I actually read that in an NHS record dating back to the early 90s, it was the most shattering thing I’ve ever read in my life. When I asked my mother about it a couple years ago she was quite emotionless about it but admitted that she did struggle to bond with me and cope with me.

I’m estranged from most of my family as an adult, visit my mother now and then for a coffee, haven’t seen nor spoken to my father in 10 years and I sit wondering if the day will come where I will feel so low I’ll start cutting my arms again like I did when I was 10, the staff used to have to take the pieces of glass off me and remove my belt so I couldn’t strangle myself with it. The worst part as an adult is not knowing whether my autism and adhd diagnoses are valid, or whether it’s all just complex trauma. I know I have trauma and the only time I can get any relief is after I have cried my eyes out. I can’t even do that most of the time I just feel nothing, numbness and depression, some days I can’t even get out of bed. Being on disability benefits and not working means I can go days or a week without seeing anyone.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this, you can’t help me I know that but I guess it just feels better to express is somewhere and it helps me cry. I just wish I could take a tablet and painlessly die to be honest.

hi harley , i have been reading a lot of your articles and i think they are helping? i’m not sure to be honest. i’m constantly being told by the person i care the most about (my sister) that i am opinionless and i am just a shell of a person and i can understand that she’s right and it’s true. we do everything together and she is a very opinionated person so she easily takes charge of situations, although she explains on multiple occasions that she’s very anxious and only does it out of instinct. she was basically the mother in our childhood as she basically raised my brother and i. now she is 21 and i’m 18 and we have spent my teenage years very close to each other like best friends. but it’s becoming a more apparent problem each day that i don’t know how to act on my own or speak up for myself and she has to do all the work for me. i have so many other problems too like communicating and having a progressive mindset but i think it all roots from me not knowing who i am or what i want or understanding myself. i’m constantly hurting her by not changing my actions to what i say i will and i don’t understand why my words and actions don’t match. it’s not like she’s asking me to be a completely different person , she just wants me to be considerate of her and i keep failing to do so. is this because i don’t understand myself ? because i don’t even know how to be considerate of myself ? i assume so but i don’t know what to do with this information now. counseling is pricey and idk if i am able to guide myself in the right direction properly because i don’t trust myself or even understand what i want to trust myself. please help >n<