“Why Do I Feel Guilty All the Time?”
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 3, 2023
by Andrea M. Darcy
Guilt, according to evolutionary psychology, was the brain’s way of making sure we didn’t veer into behaviour that would leave us ostracised from the tribe.
And even nowadays a little guilt is a good thing. Not having any is a worrying sign of sociopathy, or narcissistic personality disorder.
But what if you feel guilty all the time?
When “I feel guilty!” is out of control
A ‘guilt complex’ (more correctly referred to as ‘false guilt’) ‘happens when we feel at blame even when we aren’t sure we did anything wrong.
It looks like:
- constantly worrying you’ve upset others
- always analysing if you could have done things better
- feeling guilty for things you didn’t even actually do
- or for simply having bad thoughts
- taking responsibility if others are in a bad mood
- using the terms ‘should have’ and ‘could have’ often
- letting one small thing that went wrong turn into a day of intense self-criticism
- a constant belief that if things are not going well, it’s down to something you must have said or done
- blaming others or practising psychological projection (a defence mechanism against guilt)
- feeling bad not just for what you might have done, but for who you are.
But why do I feel guilty all the time?
Cognitive therapy sees guilt as arising from a set of negative core beliefs. These beliefs lead us to mistakenly see everything through the lens of, “I cause people to suffer’.
How do you get such negative ideas of yourself and the world? Generally we develop our belief system as a child.
1. Mimicking guilt.
It might be that you learned guilt by mimicking. You saw the example set by adults around you and followed it. For example, you had a parent who always wailed that things were his or her fault, and learned that being guilty is how you gain attention from others. Or you grew up in a very Christian community, where feeling guilty might be something you learned gave you worth.
2. Guilt as a reaction.
But a guilt complex also arises as a reaction to the behaviour of parents and caregivers.
This can be reinforced by casual comments from the parent. This can look like, ‘why do you have to drive me crazy’, ‘why can’t you be like your brother/sister’. Or ‘why did I ever decide to be a parent’.
Parents can manipulate a child into a guilt-ridden mindset even if their intention is to be ‘good parents’. This comes from the sort of caregiving where a parent or guardian is unable to accept the child fully as they are.
They will encourage the child to be ‘well-behaved’ in order to ‘earn’ affection or attention. And what happens when the then child feels any ‘not perfect’ things? Sadness or anger, for example? The child feels racked with guilt. Worse, he or she shoves their real self so deep inside that they grow up as adults who lack boundaries or have identity issues.
3. Guilt as a response to trauma.
Sometimes the only way a child’s mind can process a terrible trauma is to decide they somehow caused it. Meaning any kind of trauma can leave a child to grow up into an adult who constantly feels guilt.
Is my guilt really a big deal?
By: Aaron Muszalski
Guilt has been linked by studies to clinical depression.
It was found that those who experienced childhood guilt had lower volumes in the area of the brain involved with self-perception. This means lower self-esteem, one of the main triggers of depression. (Read more in our connected article, Guilt and Depression).
Guilt is also a contributing factor to:
- obsessive compulsive disorder
- anxiety and anxiety disorders
- self-harm
- anxiety and anxiety disorders
- sleep disorders
- fear of intimacy and problematic relationships.
And guilt often comes hand-in-hand with hidden layers of shame, an emotion that can rule our days.
What can I do if I suffer from constant feelings of guilt?
Constant guilt can be so deeply entrenched in the way you see yourself, and in a difficult childhood, that it’s extremely hard to untangle things alone.
Working with a counsellor or psychotherapist is recommended. They can help you identify just how your guilt is running your life, what its roots are, and how you can start to operate from a clearer perspective.
All talk therapies can help with deep seated feelings of guilt and shame, including the popular cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)
Ready to stop your guilt from controlling your life? We offer expert talk therapists in three London locations to suit your needs. Not in London? Visit our sister site harleytherapy.com to book online therapy and phone counselling.
Still have a question about why you feel guilty all the time? Post below.
Andrea M. Darcy is a professional mental health writer trained in person-centred counselling, and is the lead writer of this site. Find her @am_darcy
I just want to say thank you…. For the first time in my life I don’t feel alone in this. Thank you.
Gosh, thanks Stephanie! Glad it hit a chord.
This article was very useful. I have felt guilty even before I’ve gotten out of bed in the morning. I’m in therapy and have been for over two years but I still feel guilty for everything and it’s fair to say, I’m miserable. I would love to be able to wake up in a he morning without a hat knotted feeling in my lower stomach. It would be a dream come true.
Kim, we are sorry to hear this. Have you seen improvements with therapy at all?
Thank you for the article. It opened my eyes. I realize that I feel guilty as long as I remember my self. As a result, I am suffering from sever depression and I attempted a suiside . Even though I was hospitalized for a month I did not have any psychotherapy or simple explanation of what is going on with me. I still feel guilty for every little thing but in general I am able to manage. The negative side of the meds that I am taking make my feelings dull. I lost connection with my family and feel completely alone, abundant, rejected,
Oh my gosh this is awful for us to hear. Hospitalised and given meds but no therapy?? Our guess is that you are in the USA? We find it heartbreaking when people are not given psychological therapies when it is scientifically proven they help with depression and suicidal feelings. Drugs only manage the symptoms. And this sort of treatment probably left you feeling even more alone, abandoned, and rejected. Could you reach out for support? Do you have the money for therapy? (You might want to read about CBT therapy, dialectical therapy, and schema therapy, we have articles on here about all of them). If not, google low cost counselling in your area, also google mental health charities and support groups, some of which are free. You might find our guide to low cost counselling helpful http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy and if you are ever feeling totally alone do reach out to one of the various free hotlines, where trained listeners are always available, the Good Samaritans operates in both the UK and USA, for example. We wish you courage!
I feel guilty all the time. I used to feel guilty alot but I made peace with my past and I do feel guilty for alot of things that happened. I ended up sleeping around because I didn’t care for myself at all. Now I’m in a loving relationship I feel guilty about all that and I know it’s a problem for him that I have slept with a fair share of guys. He brings it up sometimes when he’s upset and then I end up thinking about it and feeling guilty, or he might think I like a guy when I don’t and if it’s mentioned enough I’ll persuade myself that I do! Or ask myself to many times if i do and then doubt my own mind of what i know to be true, does this happen alot with guilty feeling people?
I don’t think he knows he is doing that other wise I know he wouldn’t. He’s a lovely guy but we all have our insecurities and I can be just as bad if not, worse with him. It’s like if I don’t feel guilty my mind is ALWAYS trying to think of something to be guilty of! I try to keep myself busy but it doesn’t seem to work. Is all this “normal”?
Hi Sidz, we hate the word ‘normal’. Nobody is ‘normal’. We are all just human. It sounds like you are suffering from all sorts here, anxiety, self-criticism, difficult relationships, low self-esteem and lack of self-worth… these things don’t come out of nowhere. Are you sure you ‘made peace with your past’? How did you achieve this exactly? Did you actually dive deep and process the old emotions around your challenging past in the safe and supportive environment such as a therapy room? The way to know we truly have peace with the past is to look at our present. If it’s full of turmoil, then there’s a very good chance there is still some work to do. If you have the courage, we’d definitely suggest you seek counselling. When we have deep-rooted issues we will constantly choose relationships where we are not loved for who we are. The only way to move beyond this and gain the self-esteem to allow ourselves to be loved is to process the past, not just ‘decide’ to make peace with it, but really dive deep and process. We hope that makes sense.
I feel guilty about everything. My lack of control with eating/drinking. My work. My abilities as a mum. I know I need help but don’t know where to start. It’s exhausting feeling like this.
It sounds exhausting, Karen! What is holding you back from seeking support such as finding a counsellor? It could be worthwhile to sit down and write down what that is and looking at whether those blocks are real or if there is a way around them. If it’s just fear of the unknown in the end, then know that is normal. But also know that all of these issues really can benefit from some support. So a bit of discomfort about taking that first step is worth suffering through.
I feel guilty all the time. i remember something from my past,not even important,and suddenly feel guilty. I am in a relationship. I get a feeling that i have to tell him everything that i think about. Till then i have this immense weight on my chest. I feel that whatever happened was wrong. To me he is perfect. This makes it more hard since i think that i,with all the past happenings(which are mostly nothing, but all the same,i feel guilty of it) i am in the wrong. I would give anything to take all these feelings out of my head. I feel guilty of even dreaming things. It is killing me. Sometimes i feel like i can’t hold on anymore. But as soon as i say the things in my mind to him, i feel relieved, till i find something else to feel guilty about. It’s so tiring.
Ann that does sound tiring! There is a lot going on in this message. Not only is there guilt, there is low self-esteem, and there are some relationship dynamics that might be codependent. For example, nobody is perfect. That is a lot of pressure for someone else to live up to, and it’s also a way of giving up your own personal power. If you could gather up your courage and seek counselling we’d highly advise it. Nobody should have to live with such exhausting guilt, and a therapist can create a completely safe environment for you to get to the root of these patterns of thinking and behaviour.
I must say I felt constant guilt sometimes and still do, until I married a narcissist. I am an empath and this is an opposites attract thing let me tell you. He doesn’t care if he offends anybody, he could care less! Me I worry, I fret and tear my stomach apart worrying about hurting others. If I miss birthday parties, or just don’t feel like driving 8 hours there and back just thinking about it I go into a depression. My husband says it’s not worth it, they will understand and if they don’t oh well. It as if we were brought together to bring each other some kind of equilibrium. It is not perfect, it can be crazy but so many times he has helped me lift the burden of guilt off of me. I have given him a conscious when he was in desperate need of one. This is how we coexist. God helps me and my faith in Jesus. Sometimes you can say no, but boy do I still feel guilty saying that word no. I hate it, good thing my narcissist knows how to help me do it, or I would be a nervous wreck all the time.
Hi Ann, it sounds like you are happy within your relationship and that’s great. Just to say that just because someone doesn’t spend all their time worried what other people think does not make them a narcissist. Nor is constantly making yourself sick to please others a sign of human goodness. You might find our article on ‘Is he or she really a narcissist?’ interesting. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-a-narcissist.htm. As well as these articles on boundaries http://bit.ly/buildboundaries and victimhood http://bit.ly/stopbeingvictimized. Hope that helps
So I’m 15 and no matter what I always feel worried and guilty. I have a single parent and I’m to worried to go out cuz I’d feel guilty I left her alone cuz she don’t ha e many friends. I’m to scared to date like idk why I just can’t figure out how to breathe and my stomach hurts all day. Please help me understand why
Being 15 is hard. When you are a teenager your brain is actually doing all sorts, still growing, sending out all kinds of hormones, and trying to figure out who you are on top of that. It’s the part of life where we learn our identity. So first of all, deep breath. It’s actually normal to feel stressed as a teen. All those people in movies, films, and on social media who look so together are usually not telling the truth! So don’t compare yourself to them. That aside, it sounds like you are actually dealing with some serious challenges that many people don’t have to. Your mother sounds like she isn’t stable enough to be the parenting figure. It doesn’t sound like you can turn to her but you feel instead responsible for her. This is actually not healthy as it means you have no real support. If your mother isn’t mentally well it’s obviously pointless to blame her, but it’s good to educate yourself as to what’s going on and seek support. You might want to read about codependency, we think you’ll see some familiar patterns. Also look into attachment theory and anxious attachment. When we grow up without a parent we can trust to be there for us we develop anxiety…! In any case you need help. We have a new article on seeking mental health help as a teen, do read it! https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/teen-mental-health-get-help.htm
Hi, my name is Leah and I am 13 years old. A few months ago I was disowned by both parents (real mom and step dad) for wanting to have no religion.
I had quite a lot of verbal abuse and favouritism with my step dads kids.
I’ve always been a guilty person, blaming myself for everything that happens, and I always feel like a burden on others.
Sometimes I dig my nails into my skin when I feel I’ve done something wrong.
I feel guilty for eating, for sitting down, and even having a shower.
I am so upset and confused. I’m crying as I write this.
Please help me, I honestly don’t know what to do.
Leah, this is HORRIBLE to hear. This NOT your fault. Religion and religious cults brainwash people. And turn parents against children. And guilt is the main tool of religion. They use it to control people. So it’s not surprising you are drowning in guilt but we promise you that this is not your fault. This is especially hard to go through when you are a teenager trying to figure out your own identity as it is. Do you have any support? Did you find a safe place to live? Are there friends and family you can talk to? Is there a school counsellor? You need to find support. Google for charities and help lines that help young people (if you are in the UK Childline is excellent). Don’t be scared to call a helpline. They are there to help and the volunteers actually want to listen to you. Also google for forums where young people with religious parents talk. It can be a huge relief to know you are not alone.
I feel guilty and so shameful for the things I’ve done in my life. I can’t get my past to keep from following me. I can’t even remember being “happy” as a child. It seems I was always worried even as a little girl. I remember when I was about six, I don’t know if it was a dream or reality but I seen this man in a cap walking thru my house and saying to me “I’m going to kill your mommy and Daddy”. I never told a soul. During that time I was be eing sexually abuse by someone very close to me, the same sex even. For this reason I believe I have never had a true real relationship with a man, I’m just no good at them; I am almost 50 and never been in love, no children, no nothing. I get mad at that person who done that to me because they will NEVER admit it in a million years. I have to see this person all the time. Then I really mad at myself because I don’t know how to go on, never have. This person has gone on and lived their live. I have nothing. I’ve had it .
We are sorry to hear about all this suffering. First of all, this level of suffering and loneliness is not okay, it’s too much for anyone, and when things are at this level we need support. We’d highly, highly advise you seek support. If you are on a tight budget then please read our article on finding low cost therapy http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Secondly, to explain that trauma as a child can mean that our perspective narrows to only see the bad things, because we are always on the lookout for new danger. It’s as if the brain erases or ignores any positive way of seeing and obsesses on the negative, what are called ‘cognitive distortions’. http://bit.ly/cognitivedistortionlist . So even if good things were available we don’t see them or choose them. We need to retrain our brains to do so. A good start can be taking five minutes a day to write out a list of at least three things you are grateful for, no matter how small. Finally, you do know how to go on. You have more resources than you give yourself credit for. Look, you are here, aren’t you? And futhermore, you are even doing research to help yourself. So we are sure you are more courageous and powerful than you realise. We do hope you seek out some support and get help to really see your own strengths.
Hello, i have a relationship problems i guess, since i was a child i had close people to me but whenever we are apart i just move on, people wants to be friends with me but i push them away. I’ve always done the right thing for others so i freak out when its bad for them, i have a cousin and sister they are close to each other and i wasn’t, so i feel like i was left over. i sometimes feel like i want to leave the people i know. and find others. i am emotional and my sister is rational we always have different point of views, these days whenever we discus something,she’ll have a different opinion i will start blushing and feel like i don’t want to give my opinion because i don’t want to dissent her’s so she would be mad at me or won’t like what i said. i feel like i don’t want to deal with her anymore. and she has a boyfriend, he is my friend too. i sometimes want to know how their relationship is? and want to make fun with her about him but she never talk about him with me. while i do with her about whatever i am facing or feeling, she is introvert and i am an extrovert. i feel guilty yes for whatever i am thinking of, and mostly now because of her, i am lazy person and i do things in the last minute she gets angry at this, she gets angry at anything i do so i try to finish on time, do things on time even my thoughts i think of i feel guilty cause i think she won’t like them but i don’t do it in purpose, i sometimes with my friends and i am so bald so i do silly things sometimes i feel guilty cause i think of her so now i feel when she is with me i am not me, i feel like i follow whatever she says. هi feel attacked by whatever she says so i stop without telling her, i feel like i am afraid of her, i said it once when i was a kid. if anything says something i don’t mind but her i care for whatever she says, negative thoughts of me jealous of her till now i am saying yes i am so maybe its the thing but if someone told me its not then i will be like yeah it’s not true, i am not sure of myself cause i keep building ideas of me jealous of her in the future of my kids not like her’s , life not like her’s , like i lose myself. if she is not around i am fine so i hate that because i love her, and when i talk to her about some of these thoughts about her she tells me i need to fix myself which i know but i can’t take off the negative thoughts all the time, if someone didn’t do what i do for them it breaks me, maybe i want everyone to love me. since i was a kid i used to cry when i am going to a new level of school. or changing my bed, high school i cried for two months i don’t know why . i feel i am disconnected from reality sometimes. i am happy now then 5 mins later i am feeling terrible. i am in China so communication with my school therapist is kinda hard cause i get to say everything but i can’t understand everything he says, i am an atheist and i have to live life completely different of who i am and i am trying to focus on what i want to be but i am afraid i won’t get the chances to do what i want now, cause there things i can’t dob and i am afraid this would change me and i’ll regret not living this time later. when am angry at someone i don’t use eye contact cause if i talked to them i’ll be mad and i will cry, the i’ll feel guilty oi mead them sad although they harmed me so i avoid them. i keep questioning myself if i didn’t do what i am used to do then its not me anymore, it scares me a lot. i can’t be a lone, i always want accompany. i am meditating now. if i fix it with my sister then my mind will find away to think of another thing with another person of anything. its continuously. i am tired of it, its defecting my studies which i need a certificate to stay here rather then going back to where i live. i don’t say thank you much cause i believe its something we all should help and do, but i am teaching myself to although it makes uncomfortable cause i take it serious and negative again. i am reading lots of articals willing to know what i am going through. sometimes i feel like my head is blank and i don’t know how to act or react. i have a problem delivering my speech i talk everything at the same time, one more thing my sister gets really irritated if i start telling a story cause actually i don’t remember a lot and i talk like whom ever is listening will understand what i am saying. sometimes everyone understands whats the pro. is saying but not me and i ask myself why? this been since intermediate school.
thank you so much
Hi “R”. What we see here is an awful lot of ‘ruminating’, overthinking. And all an attack on yourself. So it’s clear you are suffering from anxiety and low self-esteem. We can’t of course give you a diagnosis over a comment box. We don’t know you. We are only seeing your version of events here. You do seem desperate to find labels for yourself, as if that will somehow make everything ok if you just find the right ‘name’. Here’s the thing – what if you didn’t have to figure out exactly who you were? What if you were fine exactly how you are and you don’t need anyone else’s approval? These are good questions to keep asking yourself. Here’s the thing – nobody knows exactly who they are. This is a myth. We all learn and change all the time. And some of us more than others. We have core values that are consistent, and those are things to identify, but we don’t have to be ‘one thing’. That said, it does seem like you are really floundering and are unaware of yourself as you are so desperate to please. And your relationship with your sister seems very difficult and she sounds far from supportive of you. What is curious is how you don’t mention your parents which waves a red flag for us. If you don’t even mention them, and your sister is not so nice to you, is it possible you are also suffering from a lot of loneliness? This desperate need to please to the extent we lose who we are generally comes from childhood, and the ways you were parented, or possibly even childhood difficulties and trauma. You might want to look at attachment theory, and anxious attachment http://bit.ly/anxiousattachment. It’s good to hear you have a counsellor, but we’d suggest you could benefit from a strong bond with someone you can really talk to about all this. Is there an online therapist in your language you could work with? Finally, look up self compassion. It’s a faster route to self esteem. Trying to learn how to treat yourself like a friend instead of an enemy is something you can start doing today.
thank you for that. its helpful.
my dad was always away from home, used to see him for two months only till now, its been 3 years and half we didn’t meet all of us at once, only twice a year we see dad, mum is 10 hours away flying from here. my family was always under the pressure of my uncles till now, so my dad grew up with flaws to conservative family living in the village who was 14 and already red Darwin’s theory and my mum is the wife of this person so she was treated badly at times. i sometimes don’t remember most of things when i am a kid, i feel like i woke up to the world when i finished high school, before that i really don’t know what it was like i was just living. i can’t say i have a good memories cause i don’t feel it or wasn’t happy probably with that pressure. i know I’ve always done things for people to like me and to pa attention to me without knowing that time but now i realised it. i came from a conservative family which i was following everything my mum or dad would say or even teachers. i always was the good model. i don’t do what bothers others. my sister can’t stand too emotional people i understand her cause i know her way thinking, and we have different characters.
i forgot saying it effects my sleep
so it goes like i sleep good dreams and i woke up OK then thoughts again so i wish i am a sleep , sometimes i sleep and i dream of those thoughts happening and as soon as i wake up my mind bring the thoughts and i lose how i react again.
Hi R. Seems a lot of overthinking and anxiety. Do seek some proper support!
We feel you would really benefit from a round of cognitive behavioural therapy sessions. CBT is a short-term therapy and you don’t even need to talk about your past much. But it helps you gain control of your thoughts and to move from negative thoughts to balanced thinking. It’s very effective for stress, overthinking, and anxiety and you can do it over online http://bit.ly/CBTTherapy
Hi my mum just bought my flight to Bali as I’ve had to get a job over there as the UK is not financially working for me. I’ve been sick for a long time mostly from psychiatric medications and financial stress. My parents said they would help me but I just feel so guilty as they have given me so much money over the years for vet bills for a dog I bought back from Korea. I’m also leaving my dog with them which I feel guilty about. I just want to get working again and the only jobs I can get in the UK are minimum wage even through I have both an undergrad and post grad degree. I feel if I go then I can be financially independent but I just feel so much guilt because I’m 40 and I’m using my parents like a bank and it’s just not sitting well with me.
Hi Jeannette that sounds hard, we are sorry to hear it, we hope that things look up for you soon.
Hi, I don’t even know if I should be functioning around people. Nobody in this world has been insulted to my level. I have been dragged to the lowest point where no one can ever take me out. I was a Social Worker, and when I told my colleagues about my past experiences they reported me to my bosses, in mind I thought that was a safe space since we are all trained to deal with these problems. However, I was wrong. I lost my job a year ago(2018), reason being deemed unfit. I don’t know how to pick myself up again, even the idea of going to a psychologist traumatizes me, it brings back memories. They looked me straight in the eyes and gave me all support, and have I known, I wish I should have never expressed myself. Earlier this year, I was accused by a 22 year old of seducing a married 53 year old married man. Deep down I know I would never do that. Adding on top of my already strained self, that was the final nail to bury me. The only thing I know about feeling guilty is that you prone to being bullied because you cannot defend yourself. That is what happened to me when I had to go and answer about seducing the man. I even had to withdraw from a job I was accepted it, because my name was already tainted. I DID NOT DO IT.
What is the starting point….where do I even begin. I am literally finished.
My past experiences that I shared with my colleagues had to do with abuse and traumatic experiences in my childhood…….I lost my job because I was deemed emotionally unfit.
This is horrible to hear. We don’t know the employment policies where you live, we are imagining not good ones. Countries like the UK have protection and you would have a legal case. Be proud of yourself for your courage. We hope you find a job where your courage to talk about mental health is rewarded, not held against you unfairly.
This sounds tremendously hard. You are not finished, you are courageous enough to be googling things about personal development and mental health, for starters. You’ve gone through a very difficult experience. Instead of a psychologist that would make you talk about the past, there are therapies that really help stabilise us when we feel lost, like CBT, cognitive behavioural therapy, that barely looks at your past at all but just helps you retrain your thoughts so you don’t constantly end up in depression and anxiety. It’s short term but powerful. Don’t give up yet! This is a hard experience but others don’t decide if you are ‘finished’. That is up to you. And we hope you decide otherwise. All the best.
I’m 15 now, soon to be 16 and I have always felt guilty about a lot of things if not everything. A little back story; as a child I was raped and molested by my biological father and my step father, i grew up covering as much of my body as I could to avoid being looked at or praised for my body. I’m very pale and that didn’t help either. Around 6th grade I started self harming because at the time I thought, “why would someone with scars look pretty?” and also to distract me from all of the emotional pain I was experiencing. As someone who has a very light complexion cuts and scars were a lot more noticeable and as I said before I always thought that if I made myself look ugly then they wouldn’t praise me and I wouldn’t draw their attention. I’ve grown a lot since then but my scars are with me forever and I feel so guilty that i have them because now that I have the confidence to wear clothes that show skin everyone can see them and I feel like it’s an embarrassment to my mom and siblings. I was only diagnosed with severe depression a year ago and i feel like it’s only getting worse. I’ve grown up and gained confidence but I’ve lost my confidence now and I feel like I’m back in 6th grade, covering myself up in any way that I can and feeling guilty as ever.
Reading this has explained a lot and I’m now looking into getting more help so that I can finally be that girl I was before any of this happened. Thank you
Lily, that’s a lot of difficult experiences you’ve had to navigate. There is nothing embarrassing here, there is just the story of a girl who had to cope in the best way she could. Be proud that you’ve made it this far. And good for you for deciding to get more support to work through all this. It shows a lot of courage. Best, HT
Wow! This article just nailed everything I feel is wrong with me! I have a successful career, a long, happy marriage, beautiful kids and grands, but why do I always feel as if I have done something wrong or made someone mad? I know it is powerful, because as I read portions of this aloud to my husband, the tears were streaming down my face. I will be taking this to a therapist and enjoying the rest of my life more!
Jenn, so glad to hear it’s been helpful! It really touches us to hear from people that our articles help. And great decision re therapist. It’s a journey, but the first step is the big one. All the best, HT.
hi i’m 15 about to be 16. i’m not sure if it’s guilt that i’m feeling, but i always feel like someone’s upset with me, or that i’ve done something wrong. backstory : my parents divorced when i was 2, i lived with my mom two years back and she was very verbally abusive, but now i’m living with my dad and stepmom. i’ve actually been um sexually assaulted a couple times, if that has anything to do with this feeling? but basically my dad gave me this debit card that he puts money on for me to spend, and the other day i bought some clothes and a pair of shoes with the card, and he just put more money on for me to pay for this small party for me, and i feel really bad. he hasn’t said he’s mad at me or anything but i just feel like he is because he was kinda quiet on the phone. i feel guilty because now i feel like i shouldn’t have bought those shoes/clothes because they cost him money that i could’ve saved for the party. i’ve also been looking into getting a job soon because i hate using his money, i wanna pay him back for all the money i’ve spent of his. idk if this goes into why i feel this way, but when i was living with my mother we were very poor, so we always tried saving and buying as little stuff as possible, and although my dad isn’t rich, we’re lower middle class so it’s a little different.
Hi there, definitely sounds like issues with guilt. And also communication, because sounds like you are making assumptions about why your dad was quiet and what he was thinking. For all you know he was just feeling quiet, or was quiet because he was worried you were happy. The only way to know would be to have an open conversation with him about this. As for always feeling guilty and worried what others think and why you might always jump to worst conclusions, if your mother always criticised you that would definitely do it. You see what you are doing is criticising yourself now, in your head. In summary, sounds like you are stressed. And sounds there is a lot to talk about and you need some support. Is there someone you could talk to about all this? A counsellor at school? Would your dad be willing to help you find a therapist to talk to? Best, HT.
Hi, I’m 14 going on 15 and idk what’s going on but I feel guilty all the time and idk why. Nothing really bad happened to me, my parents are happy, I have two great best friends, but I always feel so guilty for every little thing I do. I am repainting my room and I got a color I don’t like and my mom payed for it and it was reasonably expensive (70$), I just feel so bad and guilty for choosing the wrong color. The same thing happens with clothes, she would give me 20$ to spend at a store with my friend and I would use all of it then think I could have used it for something better than clothes. Sometimes I think of all the choices I made in the past like acting or dance and I stress out because I should’ve picked the other one or I try to reason myself into thinking I picked the right one And I end up crying. Sometimes I cry and I’m just sad but idk why, is this all in my head? I always feel like I have upset someone and I’m afraid to make them feel bad. I asked someone for help and then did it on my own and I felt too guilty for not using there help to tell them I finished it on my own.
Also I forgot to mention that every time something wrong happens even something small I always jump to the worst conclusion. I have dream of dying and getting hurt, not nightmares, dreams. Is that wrong?
Hi there, it doesn’t mean something is wrong. On one hand you are a teen, a time many of us feel anxious or depressed as life is changing fast and we are figuring out who we are. That’s normal. On the other hand, some of us are just bad at making decisions and naturally have the perfectionist trait, so feel that things must be ‘right’. We wonder though, do you feel comfortable talking to your Mother about this? Does she know you feel guilty about things? If not, what is stopping you? What sort of relationship do you have? Do you feel that you have to make her happy? we say this as two of your examples involve her. Also, we don’t know what the money situation is in your family. If she often makes even ‘jokes’ about not having money, or says negative things about money, then it would be normal to feel guilty and worried about it. Regarding being worried if you are making the right life decisions re dance/acting. It’s worth looking at the ways you were taught to think and the beliefs you have about life and where these come from. Do you have someone to talk to? If it’s really bothering you, would your parents help you see a counsellor? Again, nothing ‘wrong’ with you, but being a teenager can be hard and some people suffer more anxiety than others, a few sessions of counselling can help you learn new ways of thinking and seeing and tools to use when you feel anxious. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) would be useful.
You keep mentioning wrong/right. So there is what we call black and white thinking here. Life is actually never black or white. Again, CBT therapy would be perfect, it helps with this sort of distorted thinking. Does one of your parents have anxiety or think like this? Is can be a learned behaviour. Or a personality trait, some of us are naturally dramatic. Particularly when teens, with our brains still growing and hormones raging. You might just have never learned to think in different ways. But you can learn. Use the search bar on our site to find our pieces on assumptions, perspective, and black and white thinking. as for dreams of dying or getting hurt we can all dream of things like that now and then. Best, HT.
This has been really helpful for me. thanks.
Glad to be of help!
I feel sick with guilt for no reason sometimes and I feel like I have anxiety attacks when I do something that might disappoint my parents because I am meant to be a role model to my younger sisters, and when I do something it eats away at me for about 2 weeks at most.
Hi there. Sounds like a lot of pressure. Do your parents know that their expectations are causing you this much upset? We don’t know your family dynamic, but we imagine that if you have loving parents they would not be happy to learn their expectations are this tough on you. Perhaps it’s time to talk to them? It does sound like you have anxiety. If you were able to access counselling, it would be helpful. Best, HT.
I feel guilty all the time. Guilt and worry. I’m 38 and my mother has cancer; when she was diagnosed she had five years to live, but is still managing some twelve years later. I’m in between my mother’s house and my partner’s. I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough, and recently I get so angry because my mother doesn’t like putting on to me, so things build up when I feel like I’m expected to mind-read.
Lately, for some reason, I’m tending to shout which isn’t like me and isn’t fair on her, especially when she’s ill. There’s anger there and I shouldn’t be acting that way. It’s like I’m a child and a parent at the same time. Hard to process – like the caretaking roles are skewed.
So much worry about the things to come, how long left, have I done enough, am I good enough, what is wrong with me? All these questions, constantly.
Hi there Ricky, this all sounds like a lot to navigate and here’s the thing. Your response is all very normal given the situation, in fact it’s surprising you didn’t get angry and upset long ago, 12 years is a very long time! Caretaking takes a toll on mental health, so much so it’s identified as a real issue and we have an article on it https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/caregiver-mental-health-taking-care-of-you-when-taking-care-of-others.htm. It takes a toll on other relationships too. On top of that you are caretaking for your own Mother, and mother/daughter relationships present their own challenges for the best of us. It is clear even from this comment that you are doing your very best. It’s important to remember that you matter too. This can get lost in family caretaking. We get so used to placing our own needs last we forget that our own needs even matter. It’s not selfish to feel like it’s too much when it IS too much. There are many things we don’t know about the situation, if there is other family or nurses etc, but we do hope you are not feeling this has to all fall on your shoulders. It’s tremendously sad your Mother is ill, but it is also not your fault your mother is ill. You still have the right to a life. And the truth is the more you can carve out some self care, the better it will actually be for her. We would highly suggest you look into support for yourself, a bit of counselling, if you are in the UK we’d say talk to your GP, point out that you are worn out and snapping after 12 years of caregiving, hopefully they could fast track you for some free counselling. Again, it’s a known issue, so don’t at all feel embarrassed to tell your doctor. And we do hope your mother is accessing all available services, if she isn’t, that’s a choice she is making, and it’s not up to you to compensate and then take the burden and blame for. In summary, it’s a tricky situation, and you are doing the best you can. Best, HT.
Hello I’m a 24 year old girl living in iran so it’s not possible for me to get help from you even if it was possible , I couldn’t because I don’t have the money 🙂 , but I really don’t know what to do , I’m stuck
I feel sadness , guilty , hating myself , anxiety , … almost everyday
I see no future for myself
I’m just saying these because I need it
Only thing that I can do is just sitting , thinking , panicking and crying
Sara, it’s okay to feel that way. It’s okay to have days where we just feel useless and lost. It’s also a common age for this to happen, 24. Are you still living at home with family? Do you have any independence yet? Sometimes that helps, when we finally get to make some decisions for ourselves. We are not saying this to diminish how upset you feel and maybe you’ve had a trauma and aren’t able to say. It’s really hard to hear you feel there is no support for you. Do you have trusted friends? Someone to talk to? Are there any support groups? Do look for online forums. Also note that there is affordable help out there and we have an article here on how to find low cost to free therapy http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy Best, HT.
Hello, I’m 23 and well my life has been an emotional rollercoaster. I got abused from multiple stepfathers as a child, mainly psychological and emotional abuse. I don’t have a relationship with my father and my mother is a narcissistic social worker to which I don’t have a relationship with her either. I had to deal with all her problems as a child, my problems were non existent, she was sometimes aggressive, twisted the truth to make me look like the bad guy, I remember when I was 8 years old and she stripped me naked, put me in the backgarden and tried to shout over the girls from next door and she just laughed. She clearly got a thrill out of it. I witnessed her going through Domestic Violence as a child too. I think I may of been sexually abused by one of my cousins, he was 14 and I was 8. I was always scared to say no, so that got me in alot of sticky situations that I didn’t want to be in. To this day, I always feel guilty for having my own opinion, I don’t really fully understand my own emotions as I’ve learned to surpress them since I was a kid, I’m actually getting a little fearful and anxious writing this as I’ve learned to hide myself for a long time. I’m always afraid to look people in the eye, whenever I have my own opinion, I feel my heart pounding. I never spoke as a child as I was always afraid and to this day I still am, I just hide it alot. No one seems to understand nor do I seem to know what’s going on. I seem to suffer from low self esteem as I think I’m not good enough and smart enough. I feel like I have to give myself constantly to others and in return my emotions, my thoughts, my head & body is completely dead. I’m always afraid to mess up which I think maybe some perfectionism. I got bullied throughout primary and secondary, I was homeless by 16. I feel like I’m not allowed to ever stick up for myself because I always feel scared, bad and just stupid. I wan’t to heal and be better but how can I when I’m constantly stuck in this turmoil and constantly being afraid to stand up for myself. I get angry at others not because I’m angry but because I’m afraid. What can I do, please can you help, this is messing with my life. I constantly apologise for things that I shouldn’t have to apologise for. It’s like I’m not allowed to have an identity or to even be human, this is killing me. I just don’t know what to think or feel anymore.
Hi Callum. Sounds to us like you have far more self awareness than you give yourself credit for. You say you aren’t allowed to have an identity but can clearly identify how you feel and what upsets you. So first of all, recognise that you are not helpless and a victim here, but a smart adult with a lot of resources, like the ability to recognise when they are upset and not managing. Then we’d suggest you gather up all your courage and seek proper support in the form of counselling or therapy. This is your big, messy, complicated and beautiful life, not something someone can sort out for you over a comment box in a few brief sentences. In fact the person who can sort this out, well, it’s you It’s going to take courage, commitment, it’s going to take deciding you are worth it and setting out on the path of healing. But you are brave enough to write this up, so we are sure you are brave enough to make that choice. When we have to please adults around us to survive we can end up feeling confused and with a fluid identity as an adult. A therapist can help you recognise your own thoughts and feelings, learn who you are, and make powerful choices that create the life you now want for yourself. If you are a student, check to see if your school offers free or low cost counselling. If you aren’t as student and are on a low budget, we have an article on how to find free to low cost counselling here. http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. We wish you courage. Best, HT.
I can say sorry a thousand more times more than an average person and it sucks but that’s just what i always do am i feel that people at my workplace has 0 respect for me. And when i offend them, i expect that hey will never forgive me till eternity. I am a good friend, does everything to help without expecting a return but with just one wrong move, they kick me out to the bin. Not the recycle bin because it has a restore function. Theirs have none. I think i dont deserve forgiveness. If I will be mistake proof and can please others then i will be happy.
Hi there, so sounds like your brain is trapped in what are called ‘cognitive distortions’. This is where the mind assumes a lot of things as ‘real’ that aren’t as it’s stuck in a certain perspective, often caused by depression. We have an article on cognitive distortions here http://bit.ly/cognitivedistortionlist. For example, you are practicing black and white thinking. People either like or hate you, you can’t see another option. in truth most of us like and dislike various things about each person we know, it’s never so cut and dried. When we are stuck in cognitive distortions it truly feels like the whole world is rigged against us and it can be really hard to cope. And cognitive distortions are really powerful, they can be addictive, it can be really, really hard to question our thoughts or change them alone. We’d highly, highly suggest you reach out for support. You might want to look into CBT therapy, it’s a short term therapy and you don’t even have to talk about your past other than a bit in the first session, it’s all present based from there. It helps you re-align your brain so that you have more balanced thoughts. See if your workplace has any kind of coverage for therapy, otherwise, if you are on a low budget, we have an article here on how to find free to low cost therapy. http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy Best, HT.
Thank you so much HT, the article really helped me upon reading through it. I am glad that you really respond to us. That time I left a message on this page was I unintentionally wronged my friend and I felt like I should just shut up / do nothing or do something wrong which holds me back from being myself. Right now I’m ok and I hope I won’t spring back to feeling really bad about myself again. I think I am just not good at socializing. I never had a girlfriend, I only have a handful of friends and I ramble a lot just to say something and they just end up guessing what was I saying. Then during my childhood, at school and even until college, I was the outcast and wished to be cool like the normal(mainstream) people.
Thank you so much. You are the best site I went to.
We are glad to be of help. Remember this – you are not your thoughts! It can feel this way, but thoughts are just thoughts, they are programming we pick up along the way, the real you is behind the thoughts… You are not your ramblings. You are something much bigger than all of this, and real friends know this. Many of us struggle with socialising. Either we weren’t surrounded by adults as a child who demonstrated good socialising and taught us good skills or our mind thinks differently. But did you know that social skills are something we can all learn? There are books you can read, but also it’s really, really helpful to work with a counsellor, who can help you raise your self esteem as well. We don’t know what country you are in, or what sort of budget you have, but there are ways to find free to low cost counselling in many countries, we have an article on it here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. You might also want to try things like mindfulness meditation, it’s easy to learn, it can feel weird at first and it needs to be something you commit to doing daily, but with time it can really calm your racing thoughts and help you sense the bigger ‘you’ behind it all, we have a free how to guide here http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. We wish you courage! HT.
I am 23 yo and recently I am going through a lot. I had big fights with my best friends, my family is going through a lot, and there is a constant pressure on me to get a job and idk why but I always feel like I’ve done something wrong. I always have this guilt conscience and that is ruining my life, my peace my everything. I shared some of my problems with my bf but he is facing his own struggles in life and I don’t want to fill his day with more negativity by telling him my not so worthy guilt feelings. I really need to understand what is going on in my thoughts. I live in India, please tell me if you guys can help me figure out things.
Hi Dimpy, these are all great issues to work on with a therapist. Dealing with always feeling guilty isn’t an overnight thing. It often comes from a childhood where you had to be pleasing to get the love and attention you deserved. So it is a process of learning how to be yourself, and to do what works for you, and to step into personal power and out of pleasing and always feeling responsible for other people’s reactions. We do offer online therapy, but note that there are also many excellent therapists in India these days. Best, HT.
Wow this article is well written and so true!!! Explains so much!!! I sent it to my 16 year old daughter who, because of my past and child hood trama, she’s now suffering like I had my whole life…. I was broken and didn’t know how to love because I was never loved or shown love and now she can’t either. I now can feel love. Somehow I was able to heal my trama and I did it all in my own with out doctors or therapy…. I’m determined to make it my mission in life to help her learn to love herself so that she can be capable of loving those around her. I pray I succeed but thank you so much for this article!! I hope it helps her realize that nothing was ever her fault and she was just an innocent child who didn’t deserve any of the things That the adults in her live have done or said during her childhood to make her feel that she isn’t an amazing lovable person who is so deserving of being loved!!! Thank you so much!!
Hi Amanda, glad you found the article useful, and that’s lovely that you love your daughter so much and want to help. Do note though that her journey is up to her, that no matter how much we love someone we can’t make them change if they are not ready or it’s not what they want, we can only love them through it all, and then work on ourselves, and get the support we need, setting the example. Furthermore at 16 it’s actually normal to feel like you can’t love, to not like yourself, to be wildly moody, have temper tantrums, not know who you are. It’s an age where kids need a lot of love but also the space to start to figure out their identity and values for themselves as they make the transition into adulthood. Best, HT.
Good heart who penned this article according to me is an asset ! I felt that I was alone in this trauma and I was unaware that this emotion was affecting me level best…
I’m a young woman,whose doing good academically preparing to enter into medicine, preparing for my entrance test .. I’m kind,my main motto is to never hurt others,never make anyone feel lonely or sad,but hardly do I have any friends,not even school friends,but yes my parents and family are my gifts ! I go to class,an obedient and hardworking student who expects perfection, grateful for my teachers, however obedient, respectful I am …the teachers here show partiality to students…but yes I do have one teacher who is equal to all of us,but I guess our teacher was in a bad mood that day, didn’t speak to anyone of us properly,before used to respond to my answers actively,the day before this I had told my teacher that my test didn’t go well …but that never affected the teacher,the teacher smiled when I greeted….but on the next day guilt enveloped me that I am the reason for my teacher’s bad mood and that the teacher doesn’t like me.
I feel guilty all the time and it’s tiring. I can’t do a single thing like touch my friends accidentally without over apologising and then they get mad at me for apologising but then I feel guilty because I made them mad and ruined their day. It just goes like this all the time. And I can’t stop the cycle, if I see someone yelling at someone else I’ll feel guilty I didn’t stop them I don’t know how to live anymore and I don’t think I want to. Maybe it’s just my hormones because I’m a teenager and stuff but it’s just so tiring and I don’t think I can deal with it anymore
Thanks for writing this. I do wonder about something, though. To quote the article:
“A ‘guilt complex’ (more correctly referred to as ‘false guilt’) ‘happens when we feel at blame even when we aren’t sure we did anything wrong.”
If I am not sure that I did anything wrong, that would mean that I might not have done something wrong, but I also might have. So, if I’m not sure, perhaps the guilt is appropriate? And if one were to do enough wrong things, then appropriate guilt would eventually occur often enough to be essentially constant, right?
I also wanted to ask about the “black or white thinking” mentioned in a reply to one of the posts above. That statement has always seemed self-contradicting. Because if “life is never black and white” is true, does that mean that even that statement is partly true and partly false, and if so, how much? Thanks again.
hi..I am the only child of my parents.. After marriage, i shifted to my husband’s house which is very far from my house. I constantly feel guilty of not being there for my parents whenever they need me..i can visit my mom place only once a year due to circumstances