Why Do People Hurt My Feelings When I Am So Nice to Them?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 3, 2023
By: Ged Carroll
by Andrea M. Darcy
Do you try really hard in relationships? Only to find yourself asking, “why have you hurt my feelings when I have done nothing to deserve it?”
Let’s look at why other people always let you down.
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Option #1 – They are a terrible person who wanted to hurt you.
Admit it, you’ve thought this at times.
But faced with this idea now, does something in you start to protest? Or do you feel somehow uncomfortable?
Your instinct is right.
Yes, a very tiny percentage of the population (we are talking about maybe 3%, regardless of what the internet says) might be ‘narcissists‘ who want to intentionally hurt people for amusement.
But in general most people don’t set out to hurt others.
So while it can be a convenient thing to consider when we are really upset, this statement is rarely true.
Option #2 – They don’t have a master plan to hurt you but are the type of person who hurts everyone around them.
Some people have a tendency, when they themselves are hurt or angry, to project all that hurt and anger on someone else, even if they know they do this and that they shouldn’t do it. They snap at you, criticise, say mean things.
By: Meme Binge
And some people know they do this sort of behaviour, but can’t be bothered to change.
But others want to change but just can’t. They experienced trauma as a child that has left them with an impulsive nature, or were parented in a way that gave them negative core beliefs about themselves and the world.
This is NOT to say you should always excuse a partner or friend who is mean and criticising and makes little to no effort to change, all because they had a tough childhood. If they are emotional abusers you need to walk away. But if you know the other person really has tried to change, then they might really not want to hurt you. They just need help.
Option #3 – They didn’t actually mean to hurt you. In fact they have no idea they did.
If you feel that everybody is out to get you, that every single time you try to be nice people hurt you? This option might be more the truth than the others.
It’s hard to consider that our belief we are always a victim is not necessarily reality. But it is necessary if we want to stop the endless cycle of being hurt.
If people are not understanding you enough that they do not know what does and doesn’t hurt you, what could that mean? You might need to consider if you are:
- not communicating your thoughts and feelings clearly
- sending mixed messages
- hiding things from other people
- not being yourself around people
- not setting clear boundaries.
By: Richard Riley
If you are not clear about who you are, what you want and don’t want, and what you accept but don’t accept? How can other people know when their words and actions will hurt you?
They didn’t ask you out not because they wanted to offend you, but because you send out the message you don’t want to be social. Or, if you never say no to people, they didn’t ask you to help them move house so that you feel used. But because they actually thought you liked to help.
Option #4 – They didn’t actually hurt you.
If a work colleague tells you, “I don’t feel good about this presentation we’ve done,” did they really hurt you? Or did you assume they were saying, “I don’t feel good about what you did in this presentation”? Or that they were implying it is all your fault?
If we live from the victim mentality, or we have a core belief that the world is a dangerous place? It can be like wearing tinted glasses. We trust nobody and we are unconsciously always looking for rejection, or even pain. Our brain constantly makes assumptions that turn any situation into an attack.
We walk around feeling hurt when learning to actually listen to others and asking a few good questions could show us that nobody has actually hurt us at all.
For all you know, perhaps that colleague was actually saying they didn’t like their part of the work, or didn’t feel good about the topic. Maybe they were actually even trying to help you. They wanted to make the project the best it could be before your boss sees it.
It becomes about trying to see things from the other person’s perspective. They might have different beliefs and values. For example, if that colleague was actually criticising your work, from their value system honest criticism is a way of being kind. They thought you having a chance to do better before the boss saw it was doing you a favour. Sobering, isn’t it?
Option #5 – You hurt them.
This is the hardest one to admit to, especially if we take our power from being a victim.
But sometimes, if we are claiming someone hurt us, it’s a form of manipulation. We claim we are hurt to get the other person to feel bad and then do what we want. Or we realise we have pushed them too far and they are getting upset. So we claim we are upset and divert the attention before they can voice their own upset.
These sorts of manipulations are very common in codependent relationships. The entire process might be unconscious. So this can take a lot of courage to consider.
Can I ever really stop always feeling hurt?
Walking around constantly claiming “you hurt my feelings” is actually a behavioural pattern and a choice you are making. The great thing about choices is that we have the power to make other ones.
Of course a behavioural pattern is something we’ve done for so long we usually need support to recognise it and start making that different choice. A counsellor or psychotherapist can gently help you see where this way of relating comes from and how you can start to shift it.
Want to talk to someone about your relationship struggles? We connect you with London’s top talk therapists in central locations. Not in London? Try our booking site to meet counsellors nationwide. Or book online therapy and we can help you no matter where you live.
Andrea M. Darcy is the founding editor of this blog. A popular mental health writer, she also coaches people on creating their therapy journey. Find her @am_darcy
This article wake me up. And yes play the victim sounds like me. I am not being myself, hiding things from other people especially my family which is my mom and siblings. I’m having really bad situation with them. I hurt them and don’t talk to them. I’ll have my first appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow morning. I don’t know what to do and what to share since I never share anything about me to other people for a long time until I don’t know what to tell. That’s what I do when my friends concern and ask me about what my problem is all about and they got upset because I don’t know what to say. I’m afraid psychiatrist would be upset with me too.
Syazana, don’t feel this way. A psychiatrist won’t at all be upset with you. It is there job to understand you. It sounds like you are really hard on yourself, and feel like everything is all your fault. We are sure it isn’t. Families are complicated, and it can feel like you are responsible if you are emotionally sensitive and want your other family members to be happy. We all hurt each other in families, it’s hard to avoid. But they are responsible for themselves. You can’t take all the blame. And the only person you can be responsible for is you! So it’s wonderful you are seeking support, and we are sure it will go well. We wish you courage!
Why hurt the families and people who love you so much
Hi there. That’s a one sided question. Unfortunately, even if we claim we love someone so much, that is not evidence that our behaviours are appropriate and we are respecting and encouraging them as a person or actually loving them. “But I love you so much how dare you hurt me” can be a phrase that is used to manipulate the other person to do what we want or to not allow them to express their side of the story. What is this ‘love’ for you? Does it mean accepting the person exactly as they are, giving them the space to be who they are, believing they have the inner resources to succeed in life? Listening to and trying to understand their perspective about grievances about the past? Or is it getting mad if they don’t do what you want? Always going into victim mode if they don’t do what you want? Or agree with your version of the past? Being fully present and loving is not a phrase, but an action, that takes commitment and hard work. If there is hurt within a family, then there is an issue within the family, not with the one person who everyone is happy to blame for the hurt. Everyone in the family needs to look at themselves and work together to solve the hurt.
Hi, I feel like this article is one sided in just some aspects because life is suppose to be imperfect and have room for learning, I feel like it’s standard are too high. “If you are not clear about who you are, what you want and don’t want, and what you accept but don’t accept? How can other people know when their words and actions will hurt you?”. I don’t think we should say we need to be “clear” about who we are or it not going to work out, that’s impossible for anyone to grow with that mindset I guess. I feel like we just need more optimism and kindness. That doesn’t mean just that of course lol, you have ALOT of great intelligent points.
Also it talks about if we are claiming someone hurt us, I think “claim” is not the right word to say I think it should be “assume”.
I read one of the parts and felt life a bad person lol but then you have the example about the presentation correction scenario, and that didn’t hurt at all. So I was confused because the leading up felt harsh so I thought it would be a more intense example. If you read this and if it kinda made sense, thanks.
I have been feeling hurt by people because they steal from me when i give them already and some have been trying to oppress me because they feel I owe them something when I don’t. I see in one instance that the theif may just not care how they affect me by doing this and the other instance they have a drug issue and self entitlement. I need to learn that everyone doesn’t care how these thing affect people and I can’t expect them to think and act consciously like me but it hasn’t stuck yet.
You guys are dumb about how many people wnjoy inflicting pain on others guess its just a sheltered life for psychology students most people are generally horrible people who enjoy hurting and abusing others idc what Freud said about it theres 2 kinds of people ones who’ll take the first opportunity to dominate others and the ones that dont
FUCK PEOPLE.Really. a relationship is only worthy of being maintained if it is mutually equal and it satisfies practicalities and doesn’t drag another down. But when boundaries start getting crossed and coldness sets in it’s way past the time of terminating the problem. Having high standards is actually a good thing and very necessary, and it gives the person with those standards structure, necessary goals and better happiness. A lot of people can’t say the same but relationships in general just aren’t for me and tend to hold me back. friendships are fine but in the real world users and parasites are just assholes. This Society is far too hypersocialized where people need to be more independent and spiritually centered. Help who you can, don’t hurt anybody, be true to yourself and don’t think too highly of who you are because none of it matters, and you are so temporary. People are too quick to put themselves first and they are far from being at the top of the food chain let me tell you.
This article is horse **** and basically infers that you’re a victim if you feel hurt by what someone else does or says.
I agree COMPLETELY, Humans Suck. It’s WAY better to be on your own and safe than it is to be in awful hurtful company.