Why We Put the Blame On Others – and the Real Cost We Pay
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 13, 2023
By: Hendrik Dacquin
By Andrea M. Darcy
Blaming – the fine art of making others responsible for all the difficult things that happen to us – is something our modern society seems to support as perfectly acceptable.
Reality TV shows force feed us scenes of one character blaming another, and newspapers are awash with stories about how all of society’s problems are to be blamed on politicians or terrorists and there is nothing we can do.
But is our culture of blame helpful?
The self-serving bias
Psychology talks about the ‘self-serving bias’, with researchers discovering that many of us will take the credit for ourselves if things go good in life, but lay blame on circumstance when things go bad.
For example, imagine taking a driver’s test. If you just pass, then you will likely make it an internal reason – I studied hard, I’m actually a good driver naturally. But if you just fail the same test, suddenly there is an external reason – the weather was bad, it wasn’t the car I usually drive, I didn’t get enough sleep.
But blaming circumstance is one thing. Blaming people, especially those close to us, when things don’t go well is another. And it and can have a severely damaging affect on our relationships, families, and career.
Why do we blame other people?
So why do it?
1. Blaming others is easy.
Blame means less work as when we blame, we don’t have to be held accountable. It’s really the opposite of being responsible and all the work that that entails.
2. Blame means you don’t have to be vulnerable.
If we don’t have to be accountable, then we don’t have to be vulnerable. Researcher Brene Brown says this about blame –
“Accountability by definition is a vulnerable process. It means me calling you and saying my feelings were hurt by this, and talking…. People who blame a lot seldom have the tenacity and grit to hold people accountable…. and it’s one of the reasons we miss our opportunity for empathy”.
By: Cyberslayer
3. Blaming others feeds your need for control.
Not blaming someone means you have to accept there was a situation where you perhaps didn’t act in ways you are proud of. In other words, you were a little bit out of control. Not blaming someone also means that you have to then listen to their side of their story, another thing you can’t control.
But if you blame someone, then you have control of the story, both past and future – they are bad, hence things happened the way they did, and it’s all their fault, hence you don’t have to deal with it further.
4. Blame unloads backed up feelings.
Do you tend to rarely show emotions, or believe you ‘never get upset’ or are the ‘laid back calm type’? At the same time, do you tend to lay blame on others when push comes to shove? It’s likely that you are using blame to unload your emotional pain which you do feel, but are repressing. And it can feel a great relief to unload, so you might be blaming a lot for this very reason.
5. Blame protects your ego.
In a way, blaming is form of social comparison that is status-seeking. If you blame someone, it puts you in the superior seat, making you feel more important and the ‘good’ person as opposed to their ‘bad’.
Of course some people use blaming to make themselves a victim. This is really still an ego move, as when you are in ‘poor me’ mode it means you get everyone else’s attention, and are still the ‘good’ person.
Whether you are using blame to be superior or a victim, both come from a lack of self-esteem. The question to ask might even be not so much ‘why am I blaming’, as ‘why do I feel so bad about myself I have to blame others to feel better?’
What are you losing out on by blaming?
If you want to think that blaming is not something to worry about, think again. Blaming others can have long term consequences on your life and personality. Here’s what you stand to lose.
1. Your personal growth.
By: Celestine Chua
Blame is a defence. And spending time constantly defending ourselves is really a part-time job that also leaves us shut down to what others have to offer us in terms of lessons and growth.
2. Your power.
By making everything everyone else’s fault you are actually making yourself powerless. Think about it – if everything is someone else’s fault, then that means you don’t have the power to change anything, as they have the reins.
3. Your empathy.
If you use blame to avoid accountability, you are also avoiding speaking truthfully about how you feel and accepting and listening to how others feel. Constantly sidestepping this powerful, vulnerable process of negotiating and communicating means you are not likely to develop empathy for others. In fact research shows that it’s narcissists, with their self-obsessed attributes, who are prone to blame more than others.
4. Healthy relationships.
Given that blame sidesteps healthy communication, which relationships need to thrive, it’s not surprising that if you are a blamer it’s likely you don’t have strong relationships with others. Blaming others is a way of putting people down so naturally it is also a great way to instead push people away, or create a dangerous environment where there is no trust and the other person can’t relax as they always feel judged and devalued.
5. Your positive influence on others and yourself.
Blame has been found by a recent study to be contagious. If you blame, those around you are more likely to then turn and blame others for things. In other words, you are spreading the tendency to avoid responsibility to those around you, both at work and at home. Think about the implications that brings, especially if you have young children or are in a position of leadership where others look up to you.
And you are having a negative influence on yourself as well. Blamers were found to be more ego defensive and also chronically insecure. So the more you blame, the less your sense of self worth.
What to do if you are caught in the blame game
So what can you do if you realise you are too quick to blame?
Start by working on your self-esteem.
The more self worth you have, the more you will able to manage being responsible for yourself. And the more you can accept your own humanness and capacity for error, the more you are likely to accept and understand it in others, too.
It can also help to stop telling the story.
We all need to get things off our chest with friends we trust now and then, but blame, recounted too much, tends to grow like a snowball. Each time we tell the story about how another person is the reason something went wrong, we add a little bit more, making them more responsible and us less so. Eventually, without even noticing, we can be blaming them for things that aren’t even related to them.
So stop relating the story. Go cold turkey even for a day, and notice what it does for your energy levels and mental reasoning around the situation – blame often creates a fog that, when it lifts, we can see a whole other perspective without.
If you are going to tell the story, tell it to a therapist. A professional coach, counsellor, or psychotherapist can not only help you see where you are not taking responsibility, they can help you repair relationships and learn new ways of behaving that see you stepping into, instead of away from, your personal accountability and power.
Need help with relating? We connect you with an elite team of London-based talk therapists that help with relationships. Or use our sister therapy listings site to find UK-wide registered therapists.
Andrea M. Darcy is a mental health and wellbeing expert and personal development teacher. With training in person-centred counselling and coaching, she often writes about trauma and relationships. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
Dear Harley Therapy,
I have been reading your articles for a while now and have not yet seen, possibly missed, anything to do with CPTSD* as a result of Narcissistic child abuse*. It is something I am fascinated by. Blame is an interesting issue in relation to these topics*. I prefer ‘programming’ which creates damage, ‘responsibility’ when awareness of that strikes and ‘blame’ when refusal to take responsibility for programming happens. The twist is Narcissism means never having to say you’re sorry…because you are never wrong. The other twist is being told blame is ‘bad’ which makes victims of such abuse even more angry than they already are. It is an interesting one. Should we ‘allow’ blame to release the abused victim from such issues? To move on? That is human. Should we see the abuser as also a victim and develop some understanding or compassion for their programming? Incredibly human. Should we realise we can’t? I get the logic of seeing how and why patterns happened but the injustice of some situations is almost impossible to deal with for so many ACONS. There is also an issue of blame being laid at the door of other adults, teachers, social workers, neighbours and so on who did not/do not deal with the above. SO while I understand the point about blame, I feel that to cover all relevant side issues HT may help the public by doing another article shortly that will cover other situations beyond the ones described so far. What you have described and explained is illuminating and useful. Can you expand on this please? Thank you.
Hi Chris, thanks for the feedback! We can look into it and see if any writers are interested in giving it a go.
I hated some people dearly for many decates and suddanly it was as instead of being a knot in my chest, my anger attacted me by spreading out in my whole body and I am still in big pain although I now do not feel the anger towards this people. Is there any way to heal from this kind of pain.
Hi Joshua, first do see a GP/ doctor for a full physical exam just to be sure it is emotional and not another kind of physical illness that you are dealing with. Then, yes!@ There is a way to heal from anger! Therapy ;). If the anger is controlling your life you might want to start with a round of CBT therapy, which has you talk less about the past and more focused on managing your emotions. After you can try a more in depth therapy, depending on what interests you. You might find compassion-based therapy a good one. Also why not start practicing mindfulness? It’s a free tool many therapists now use with clients you can read how to do it here http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout
Dear Harley Therapy,
I have a Boss; she is a HR Manager, which I believe she has a good control emotion, counselling, professional and will not blaming her employee easily without knowing the process.
I saw that she worry if our GM blames her for any un-running works. She gets affected easily without doing the clarification and investigation and judges me any result. I mean that i actually know that every Boss is want the 0 (zero) mistake, but she cannot blame me for all result instead she is the one who really know the system and process. I may miss some point and always ask her for the solution. If the result is success, she never mentions my name for the appreciation and as part of her team. But, if the result not in accordance with our GM expected, she will mentioned my name and speak loudly to me which all my fellow in office could hear what she said.
Honestly, I am disappointed with her. I mean, I will accept everything she says even if it’s not all my fault but she shouldn’t say rude and my fellow heard it. She makes me as a “Kambing Hitam”, its mean in Indonesia that someone who makes other as criminals and blames everything to her/him.
Slowly I hate her and it’s attracted to myself. I don’t sympathize and start lazing if she asks for something. I lose my positive influence on others and myself. Please help me to heal from this kind of pain.
hi Shita, it sounds like a difficult situation. Does your company have a human resources department? Who is her boss? Is there someone to talk to about this? And have you let her know you don’t like this behaviour?
Thank you so much for this great advice. Why is that sometimes those that act like victims are actually the victimizers leading you to believe that they have done nothing wrong. They portray to put all blame onto you. You did this and you did that they seem to say and think all along they were innocent bystanders. How does one who has been blamed for something and tries to make amends move on from feeling guilty. I don’t understand how people are so cruel and why in the end they still get compensated for bad behavior.
People and relationships are complicated. We all can be kind and cruel, honest and dishonest. Nobody is a saint. Set boundaries and choose who you want to spend energy with and focus on yourself. Good luck!
I don’t know if you’re still taking comments but I actually had some blame issues towards my therapist. I’d tell her something I’d feel clear about and she’d recommend strongly the opposite or be forceful about me changing my mind and then when I made the choice based on what she said and not my initial stance/intuition and what happened didn’t work out, I’d get upset. When I’d try later to bring up that I was upset and angry because there was a moment where I had my own voice and didn’t listen to myself and listened to her, she’d tell me I was blaming her, and that I still made my own choice and she wasn’t willing to discuss it with me further. One example was her telling me it was a good idea to have an affair after I initially decided not to. I see many ways I haven’t taken responsibility for myself because I was stuck in such a place of blame and anger from negative outcomes and the emotions it brought up and how destabilized it made my nervous system. I also have for years been working on even knowing I always have a choice in any moment and I’d blindly follow, which is something she was aware of. Anyways, any thoughts?
Hi Jill, we are only getting your side of the story here, and we don’t know you or your therapist. We certainly can’t tell you, either, over a comment box what is right or wrong here. But is this a registered therapist? Therapists don’t tell clients what to do, nor are they forceful. We’ve certainly never heard of one telling a client to have an affair. They listen, reframe, and help you reflect and make your own decisions, that is what therapy is. Did you she directly tell you things, or are you actually interpreting her suggestions this way? Did she actually ask you questions and you made your mind up yourself? In summary, if a therapist was directly saying ‘do this, do that’ we’d be shocked as it goes against therapy protocol and we’d say that you’d want a new therapist. If you are actually interpreting her questions as advice, then it would be a question of you taking responsibility for your own interpretations and choices, as that means it’s coming from you, not her.If this is possible this is a habit you have, misinterpreting others’ questions as advice, then maybe work with your therapist on clearer communication. Learn to notice your own assumptions, reflect back and ask if you heard correctly, or even ask to take the last 5 minutes of each session to reflect on what you think did and didn’t happen to see if you are misunderstanding, maybe even writing down things. Good luck.
After reading the information on “why we put the blame on others”. I truly feel that my older sister always falls back on the personality of passive agreesive comments and proclaims she was only helping. She has always swooped in and tried to help or fix things without consulting or asking first. When she over steps boundaries and I finally confront her, she acts surprised and doesn’t understand why I would blame her. Then, magically she turns it to where I’m the bad guy and I’m the one with the issue. She will then stop all ways of communication and then my parents follow her lead along with other family members. They never ask for my side or see where I’m coming from. I’m the bad guy. Is there a term that describe what I’ve put up with all these years?
Sounds tough. Families are complicated beasts, some more than others. And unfortunately, we simply can’t control what another person thinks and says, or make them see our viewpoint if they don’t want to. The only thing we can do is do our best to communicate our feelings and needs in non-aggressive ways (read our article on communicating even under stress for tips here http://bit.ly/feelignored) and then take care of ourselves as best we can. If you are feeling very angry and resentful, and it’s affecting your daily life, don’t overlook talking to a counsellor about it. Sometimes a non judgemental, non invested person we can vent to can be a huge relief, and can help us see new ways to deal with the situation our emotions hadn’t allowed us to see before. And the term is really just family dynamics, which, again, can just be really messy and based on years or even generations of misunderstandings and unhealthy behaviours that get passed along.
I have these friends I knew from secondary school since shs 1, I used to share a locker with a friend so mostly she comes to my place for some of her provisions so as her sister and her friend .My room mates did not understand why they always come for something from my locker so they reported to the house mistress and it became an issue to the extent that anytime I see them my heart starts beating and my stomach too I feel some pains. After shs we had the same university they mostly come for some of my provisions and I give them so my university room mates too saw that these people are taking advantage of me and sometimes when am not around they take things from my locker of which I don’t recognise and also take some of their stuffs there big sister also prepares meals and invites me to come and take so my roomies reported to my mum and my mum also told their mum and now I feel guilty in this case is it my fault or my friends fault and how do I overcome this kind of issue.
Hi Christabel, we aren’t sure what ‘shs 1’ is. But regardless it sounds like you have an issue with always wanting to please others. This can come from childhood and the way you were raised. For example, if you had strict parents, or only receive approval and love if you are ‘good’ and ‘pleasing’. The truth is that we simply can’t please everyone all the time and we have to learn how to have healthy conflict to become an adult. But you are very young and it’s okay to not feel comfortable with conflict right now. You might find it helpful, though, to learn about healthy communication such as our article here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/how-to-communicate-stress.htm. And if there is someone you trust you can talk to about your worries, such as a school counsellor, it would be ideal to get support on raising your self esteem. Best, HT.
Hi,
Sometimes we might not necessarily blame other people, but we will blame events that took place. Here are some examples.
Dan says to his supervisor, “sorry I’m late for work, but I had to stop at so many traffic lights, and wait at so many crosswalks, and I had to wait for a train to pass.”
What can Dan do instead? Well, he can get up earlier, so that he can allow more time to account for road delays. He can accomplish this by going to bed earlier, or taking relaxing measures (like listening to relaxing music or sounds), so that he feels better rested in the morning. He can also try showering or bathing at night, so that in the morning, he can just freshen up quickly in the bathroom.
Jessica says to her teacher, “I couldn’t do the assignment this weekend because I had to attend my friend Tori’s birthday party, and then I had a club meeting.”
What can Jessica do instead? She can set aside a certain amount of time each day for homework. She does not have to spend ALL of her spare time doing homework, and doing so will only wear her down. However, she should set aside SOME time for assignments.
Hayleigh tells her teacher, “sorry I’m late, but the class I had before this was all the way at the other end of the school.”
What can Hayleigh do instead? She can’t control the fact that she has to walk from one class to the next. She isn’t allowed to run in the halls. It can be considered irresponsible to leave class early, unless she has a very valid reason (such as an appointment). However, she can let her teacher in the class before know that she has to walk all the way to the other end of the school to get to her next class, so she will need to start gathering her materials earlier than most students. She can also walk faster.
Hi Leanne, yes, thank you. These are logical examples. But we’d ad that life isn’t as clear cut in a lot of cases. And just because from your perspective it seems logical, and you might be thinking, ‘why are so many people so disorganised, why can’t people be more proactive’? Well that would show you probably were naturally born with an organised mind and didn’t suffer a difficult childhood. On the other hand, if we are always making excuses and making ourselves a victim of circumstance, we often had a difficult childhood, we have core beliefs that nothing goes right for us and then unconsciously make bad decisions to prove this so, or we have such muddied, foggy minds, as part of our brain is always in coping mode, that we don’t necessarily always function from logic. So we’d say, not always the best idea to assume you know the answer to someone else’s seeming disorganisation unless you’ve walked in their shoes.
Hi,
Thank you for the response. Now, I had a very privileged childhood, with many people who loved and cared deeply for me. However, I was NOT born with an organized mind. I have learned to organize my mind more as I have grown and matured over the years. I have Asperger Syndrome (mild Autism, now just known as Autism Spectrum Disorders).
I was that teenager who would have blamed my tardiness on the fact that I had to walk from one end of a large high school to the other (and sometimes I had to do that). Or I would have blamed my unfinished homework assignments on the other obligations that I needed to attend to.
Thank you for this enlightening article. This helps me understand what has been going on with my sister who recently blamed me for her low self-esteem, relating stories of things from childhood, some of which she had entirely wrong, and agreed she was wrong about them once we discussed what actually happened back then which was 50-60 years ago. She has had bouts of depression which I only recently learned about, and was physically abused by her husband. I had noticed that she does not seem to have empathy but rather blames people for their own misfortunes. So interesting that this blaming behavior can contribute to lack of empathy. I wondered why she blamed me for things I had nothing to do with, and for things I didn’t do, and accused me of thinking bad things about her, until I read your paragraph that ended with the sentence, “Eventually, without even noticing, we can be blaming them for things that aren’t even related to them.” Wow, so eye-opening! So, my question is, how should I respond to her? I feel bad for her that she is depressed and has low self-esteem, and would like to help her but it’s difficult to be around her, knowing she thinks I’m responsible for her sad life and has these hateful feelings toward me. I don’t know how to treat her when I see her at family get-togethers or what to say to her when she accuses me of things.
Hi Luisa, we aren’t sure you want to hear this. And to start by saying we understand that when we feel under attack, we can all get very defensive. But what we see in this comment is that you use the word ‘wrong’ a few times. So you are dividing things into one person wrong, one person right. In other words, it seems you blame he as much as she blames you. What if neither one of you was right or wrong? What if you are free to have your own experience? And what if you listened to each other and tried to understand what each other feel without anyone being made to be wrong? Because until we listen without blame and without making someone wrong we can’t really hear clearly or progress forward. Did she actually say directly all was your fault? In those words? Or that she has hateful feelings? Or is this what you took away from it yourself? Because you feel attacked? What we feel is clear here is that the two of you are upset and that there is a breakdown of listening and communication. Just to let you know that if you were interested, this is the sort of thing family therapy can make great progress with. We’d also say that if a person ends up in an abusive marriage, in almost all cases there are roots in childhood, situations that led that person to have the belief they don’t deserve love. So whether or not you agree with your sister’s interpretation of her childhood, it’s likely there was some sort of difficult experience she could use empathy over. That’s not to say it’s your job to offer it. If you truly can’t see this or feel empathy, if you are too trapped in defensiveness and anger, then best to be honest about it and give her space. Because sympathy, feeling sorry for someone, isn’t helpful (learn the difference here https://bit.ly/empathyHT). Best, HT.
Interesting. thank you. my son is in a relationship and I witness his partner blaming him … usually for things he can’t change – ie. that he is “an only child”. truthfully, even if all the old stereotypes applied to only children from the late 1800s and 1900s were true (most have been disputed in recent studies) – most of those qualities (selfishness, etc.) are more her than my son. but she blames him because he’s good at cards (she refuses to play if she’s not having fun, and she only has fun if she’s winning) she blames him because he is opinionated and outspoken. (she’s no mouse). She ridicules him for being a man, for being heterosexual, for being white, although not as frequently) sometimes putting it all together – he’s made to feel “lacking” because of his make-up – the fact that he is a heterosexual white man, but she has chosen him as her partner. They’ve been engaged for a year now. I dunno. I fear that she is making him feel diminished, as though she wants him to live in shame … and she makes a point of getting everything to go her way, or no way. If things are not to her liking, she’ll blame and attack whatever it is that’s standing in the way. I wonder what you know about this sort of blaming/shaming? I don’t care so much about how it impacts her I want to know how it might impact my son. Percy Sledge’s song “Take Time to Know Her” keeps playing in my head.
Hi Andrea, the thing is you are witnessing only her ‘in front of other people’ side. Perhaps this is her way of seeming ‘cool’ in public, for all you know she is a very different person behind closed doors when it’s just the two of them, unless your son has told you otherwise? Because assuming your son is mentally healthy and without major unresolved issues (which might not be the case, we don’t know him), there would be a reason he stayed in the relationship. Unfortunately you have to trust your son, a grown man now, to make his own choices in life, and know what’s best for him, as he’s the only one who can decide here. Even if he decides to make a mistake, it’s his choice. If you do decide to talk about it, try to approach it from a listening stance, and remember to use the phrase “I could be wrong.” “I could be wrong, but she seems to tease you quite mercilessly about being a white male.. am I missing something?” Be genuinely curious over assuming. It’s a delicate topic that could backfire and you’d want to give him lots of room to talk without feeling judged. Best, HT.
Loved the article! My daughter has just come out of a toxic relationship with her husband of six years. He systematically beat the life out of her emotionally until she just gave up! A couple of months ago she found the strength to tell him to leave. It hasn’t been easy, he’s bombarded her with vile txt messages and made things as difficult as possible, but thoughout it all she has remained resolute. It’s early days yet but I think over time she will look back and wonder why she didn’t make the move sooner. I’ve read so many articles about narcissist and sociopaths but your article describes her husband so accurately it’s scary. Thank you for this I’ve learned so much!
Dear Harley Therapy, thank you very much for your work and explanations. It always helps to understand the behavior of different people and sometimes even myself.
I am reaching out to you today to ask you a question. My best friend accused me of exceeding personal boundaries because I gave my opinion without being asked (during a conversation, not a negative statement) and then she separates from me and punishes me with silence for a few days. Her explanation is, that I don’t respect her boundries, so she needs to withdraw a little until she has the feeling that the bad energy has passed.
Is that still blaming or something else? Could you advise please?
Thank you.
Hi Kate, it’s a bit hard for us to say as we don’t know the full picture and you are giving us very limited information. Did she clearly ask you several times not to give advice? Or did this come out of nowhere? Relationships, including friendships, can be complicated. Things like this are generally not isolated incidents, they come from patterns of relating. We agree that saying you are ‘bad energy’ is not kind, but we don’t know the lead up to this situation. We don’t know if she had set boundaries clearly and you didn’t listen, or if she is going through a really tough time and not stable and in need of understanding, or is a controlling person who is being mean, we just don’t know. But based on only the facts that you are giving us here, what we see is that she wants to blame you, but you want to blame her by getting ‘proof’ that it’s blame and not your fault, instead of just giving her some space. So sounds like you are a match as you are both playing the same game. Relationships are two people. Both people contribute. So it’s about both of you, not one or the other. We’d suggest asking good questions here. What is this relationship about? What makes you both friends? What values do you share? is this a valuable relationship you want to continue? Can you be yourself and feel accepted, and do you create a safe space for her to be yourself and be accepted? Or are you both always judging each other and trying to make the other ‘wrong’? Are you honest and clear about your needs or do you hide yourself? Is she honest and clear or does she hide then have outbursts? Could you both start to communicate better? Is this a relationship worth investing in? Or is it time to move on? Are these sorts of things common, do you feel controlled and manipulated and blamed all the time? Or is she actually a good friend and this is a one off you need to forgive her for? Best, HT.
Hello. Love all the communication. My husbands daughter attacked me twice, recent and four years ago. I tried to make amends, though as she said she hates me. My husband agrees that I’m not the problem though he can not tell her to not disrespect me. Why is this? He chose to leave when I told him that I Ned this to be worked out. He says it’s not the time to talk to both daughters and ex. They attacked me in may at a bar and my husband said he was paralyzed. I feel discarded. I love him so much. Is there anything I can do?
I enter therapist’s office and break his or her bone or few bones and then say them: “don’t blame me for your problems, responsible adults don’t do that”.
Do you know excuse for bad therapy? “Nobody forced you there and it is your fault why you had trusted that therapist, you are responsible, not therapist’s unethical behavior” (and it is your fault if you don’t trust next therapist). Well, nobody forced bone broken therapist to do therapy with me too, from scheduling session to opening doors.
If you take breaking bones too personally, here is impersonal version: hit by a car and put to a wheelchair. Don’t put blame on drunk drivers or mass shooters. Interestingly enough, in most countries state doesn’t agree with therapists and usually put blame on person who actually had done such misdeed.
Lastly, level of gaslighting by therapist is staggering. They tell people that any external influence is irrelevant because that is “blaming others”. Remember that during next terrorist attack: it is people’s fault for being there, terrorists are irrelevant. And if somebody who is dear to you get killed and you feel depressed or even desperate, it is absolutely your fault and don’t blame others. Or you are usual therapist hypocrite: “one set of rules for us, other set of rules for everyone else – clients”?